Without a Moment's Notice
by RainandFlames
Summary: Meredith and Derek experience a horrible accident, changing their lives forever. They haven't moved. Life flew by and there they stand. Now they just need to find each other, but how can they after what happened....
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to my new fic! Warning, it's intense. Very intense. And confusing. You must make sure you really read it. And sad. Yes, very sad. But it will get better. I won't be able to update this as often as my other fic. It will probably be up a few times a week. It can't be very porny, and full of suss. You have been warned. So welcome, and hang on tight!**

Meredith sat back in her empty apartment. It was her last night there. Her apartment was plain. White walls, white carpet. No pictures, no past. She had no emotional ties to it. She didn't have emotional ties to anything. Well, maybe the earrings on her ears. She never wore earrings. In fact, she had hated them since she was a child. But these were different. They were special. They were from _him._

Tomorrow she was on her way across the country. On her way to a fresh start. But it really didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Her life didn't end up like it was supposed to. There was no starting, because it had already ended. Nothing could change the way she felt. She had lost it all fourteen years ago, and the wounds were still fresh. She laid her head against the wall and thought about that first night. The first night she laid eyes on him.

_Meredith looked over at the clock on her bedside table. She was supposed to be there already. She didn't care, she wasn't even sure if she really wanted to go. She was slowly sliding on the tight black dress when she heard the phone ring. She knew it was for her. Richard and Ellis were far to busy to get calls at home. They got paged by the hospital, that was it. Everyone knew that they couldn't reach them. She quickly belly-flopped on her bed, grabbing the phone off of the table._

_"Hello?" She said softly as she answered. She walked back over to check herself out in the mirror._

_"Hey babe." Tony said into the phone. _

_"Hey." Meredith replied, rolling her eyes. She should have known it was him._

_She was getting irritated by her recent boyfriend. Tony was always on her case. Always saying he couldn't trust her. Always claiming that she was cheating on him. And pressuring her for sex. She wasn't ready. And she knew how he was. It wasn't about love. It was a quick lay, and then the whole school would know. She thought she loved him, but lately she was beginning to wonder._

_"So where the hell are you?" He snapped. That was another one of his qualities, he was demanding._

_"Well, obviously I am at home. That's where you called me..." She returned as she started putting her make-up on._

_"No shit. I mean you're freaking late, again." He said with a huff._

_"I'm on my way." She muttered as she ran the brush through her hair. "Leaving now." She said as she hung up the phone. _

_She hated being with him. She just hadn't had the opportune moment to tell him to hit the road. She ran the brush trough her hair and grabbed her purse. It was time to be Tony's arm candy, once again._

_Meredith pulled up to Tony's house. It was nice. Not nearly as nice as the Grey-Webber house, but then again, his parents weren't surgeons either. She climbed out of the car and made her way up to the large brick two story home. She could see the lights on in the house. Tony's parents were always home, unlike hers. They were strict, and he was always pushing them to the limits. She lifted her hand to knock on the door and it opened quickly. Tony rushed out, pulling her along._

_"Come on before they see you." He said as they rushed down the sidewalk._

_"Why can't they see me?" Meredith asked offensively._

_"In that dress?" He asked, looking at her form fitting black dress. "They will think you're a slut." He said with a shrug._

_"I don't look like a slut!" She said angrily._

_"You know my parents. They are complete freaks." Tony said as they continued towards her car. She knew they were very conservative. But she didn't consider herself a slut, by any means._

_"You know I like you like that." He stated as he reached his hand around her and cupped her ass in his had, squeezing firmly. "Give me your keys." He said as they neared the car._

_"No way." She said as she walked around the front of the car._

_"What the hell? Chicks don't drive their boyfriends around..." He said angrily._

_"This one does. Besides, I know how you drive." She said as she opened the small door._

_"Sometimes you are such a bitch." He spat as he jumped in without opening the door._

_"Bitch? Yeah, jump in my car like that again, and I will show you bitch." She said nastily. "What the hell are we doing, anyway?" She said quickly._

_"We are going to a party." Tony said, shaking his head. "Dumb too..."_

_"What?" She said as she slammed the brakes, causing him to hit the dashboard._

_"Cornerstone Lane. It's going to be awesome." He said as he pulled his seat belt on._

_"Oh." She answered. That wasn't what she meant. She meant, what the hell are we doing? Why are we together because you are a complete ass? And that's how it usually was. She backed down, not wanting a fight._

_Meredith drove up to the large house. She had heard about this house. The parties were beyond wild. And that's how she liked them. She was no stranger to having a good time. Ellis and Richard were never around. Ellis didn't care. Richard did, but time escaped him. _

_Everyone wanted to go to this party. But you didn't just show up. You definitely had to know someone to get it. Tony knew a friend of a friend. So they were going to the hottest party of the year. Tony threw his arm around her waist as they approached the house. She could hear the loud music as they neared. Tony threw the door open and immediately spotted some friends. _

_"Hey man!" She heard someone yell from across the room. "She yours?" He asked, pointing to Meredith. Tony nodded his head. "Nice..." He said, with a smile._

_"I'm going to go get a drink." Meredith said rolling her eyes as she walked away. She was leaving him before he left her. She was tired of him just walking away to be with the guys._

_"Suit yourself." He muttered as he headed across the room to his friends. He'd be back. He always came back when he was drunk. Then he would feel her up and pressure her for sex. _

_Meredith made her way to the liquor. She looked at the various bottles. Tequila was her general poison. She had a thing for it. She loved the way it burned going down. It was painful. She liked the pain. It was a Saturday. She wanted to party. She poured herself a shot in the plastic cup. She was surprised the burning liquid didn't melt a hole in the cup. She picked the cup up and slammed the liquid down, feeling like battery acid eating it's way through. _

_She looked around, not seeing any of her friends. Someone else caught her eye. He was in the corner, talking to another guy. Something about him intrigued her. Maybe it was he perfect hair. Or the way his jeans hung on his hips. His smile was amazing. She gasped for breath, realized he had caused her to stop breathing. She rolled her eyes as she watched him start to work the room. He was arrogant, she could tell that from a mile away. But something about him drew her in. She poured herself another shot and continued to watch him. Then it happened. Their eyes met. Green met blue. _

_She watched as a smile formed on his face. She didn't know him. But she did know his type. She could almost read his mind from across the room. Confidence radiated off of him. She wasn't going to play his game. She wasn't going to fall into his trap. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. She couldn't look at him. She had to look away. He had power, he had a force. She knew he could pull her in, and she couldn't have that._

_The party wasn't that great. Maybe it was because Tony had completely ditched her. She had thrown better parties. But then again, the police were called and Richard and Ellis nearly killed her. She looked into the living room. The house was breathtaking. She felt bad for whoever had to clean it up, because it was getting trashed fairly quickly. Her eyes wandered over to where Tony was. He wasn't there, and she didn't care. She was actually glad he was MIA. Then he wasn't._

_"Hey, babe." He said as he walked up and kissed her. He smelled of liquor. She hated that. She hated the way he smelled. Lately his scent had been repulsive to her._

_"Oh god, you stink." She said as she pushed him away._

_"Oh, come on..." He said as he pulled her close. "What do you say we go visit the upstairs?" He asked as he grabbed her hand._

_"How about...no." She said quickly as she pulled her hand away._

_"What the fuck? We've been together for six months. How long to you expect me to wait?" He asked loudly over the music. She could tell his anger was building._

_"I just--" She started. It was him. She didn't want her first time to be with him. _

_"You know what? That's just fine!" He said as he pushed her away. "You're just a teasing bitch!" He said as he rushed off._

_Meredith leaned back and shook her head. She wasn't going to chase after him. She had learned her lesson before. If she chased, then he apologized. Then the conversation went right back to sex. It was a losing battle, and her nerves were wearing thin. If she waited awhile he would cool off, and then tell her that he loved her and it was okay that she wanted to wait._

_"Hey." A soft voice said as he walked up. It was Mr. Great Hair himself._

_"Hey..." Meredith muttered as she turned away. She took a drink and started moving to the beat of the music._

_"You were watching me..." He said as he looked over at her. She turned her attention back to him._

_"I was not watching you." She said quickly. It was a lie. She had been watching him all night._

_"I have my good looking shirt on. I'm irresistible. You were watching me." He stated quickly._

_"You are not that good looking..." She spat. "You were watching me." Meredith told him._

_"Maybe I was. That's the only way I knew you were watching me." He said frankly._

_"I was not watching you. I am watching everyone." Meredith explained. "So I guess I was technically watching you. But not really because I have no reason to watch you. I don't want to watch you. You aren't that interesting." She rambled._

_"You're rambling." He pointed out._

_"I am not! Why are you over here, anyhow?" She asked as she glared at him._

_"Apparently you have made yourself protector of the liquor. You haven't moved away all night. " He said with a shrug. "I am here to get a drink." He said as he raised his cup._

_"Well, as protector of the liquor, I'm telling you to get your drink, and go away!" She spat._

_"You're feisty." He said, shaking his head. "It works for you. I love this song..." He said as he watched her dance to 'Pour Some Sugar on Me.'_

_"Yeah. It's a classic." She returned as she wobbled around._

_"Hey, Mer!" She heard someone shout. She looked over to see a few of her friends. "Come dance with us!" They yelled._

_"See ya..." She said as she danced away. _

_He had to watch her. Something about her drew him in. She looked so free. She didn't car what anyone thought. She was in her own world. She was moving to her own beat. He could still smell the flowery scent that had surrounded her. He smiled as he watched her climb onto a table and start dancing with her friends in her tight black dress._

_"Who is she?" Derek asked his friend Mark as he walked up._

_"Hell if I know..." Mark said loudly. "She's young...but she's hot." Mark said with a smile. "Not your type..." He said quickly._

_"She's not?" Derek returned as he looked her up and down. _

_He did usually go for someone else. Mark always said he only knew high maintenance. The pretty girls with the manicures and designer clothes. Thousands of shoes. The ones that wouldn't leave the house without make-up. She wasn't. She was gorgeous, but she was simple. He was beginning to think simple was underrated._

_"Nope...she's mine!" Mark said with raised brows as he walked towards her._

_"Heeey Maaark." A red head shouted after him. He shook her head and turned on his heel. _

_"Or not." He said with a frown and a shrug._

_It was a waste of time. She obviously wasn't interested. Derek slowly walked away towards a group of his friends. The whole time he talked, his eyes and mind were only one girl. And she was the skinny, messy one dancing on the table._

_Meredith danced until her friends started to leave. The party was winding down, and she was sobering up. She hadn't seen Tony in a long time. She figured it was time to round him up and head home. She walked through the downstairs of the huge house, not seeing him anywhere. She finally decided to look upstairs. The first door she opened revealed an empty room. She travelled down to the next one. She had a knot growing in her stomach. She opened the next door._

_"Shut the damn door!" The couple yelled as they looked up._

_"Sorry." She muttered as she moved on._

_Her hand reluctantly turned the doorknob. Something wasn't right. She pushed the door open lightly and gasped. It was him. In the throes. With some whore._

_"Oh my god! Mer!" He shouted as he jumped up. _

_She quickly slammed the door and ran down the hallway. She could hear him coming. Her paced quickened as she went down the stairs. One stair, two stair, three... The house was emptying out. She looked around, her eye's catching the blue ones once again. She needed tequila, and she needed it now. She grabbed the bottle off of the table and made her way to the sofa. She sat down and took a swig._

_"You okay?" He asked as he walked over and looked down at a disheveled Meredith._

_"Mmmm." She said as she took another sip. Her eyes widened as she saw Tony out of the corner of her eye. She quickly grabbed Derek's jeans and pulled him into her lap. "Hide me..." She said quickly. He looked at her and smiled._

_"I can do that." He said as he placed the bottle of tequila on the table and placed his hands on her face. _

_His lips softly pressed against hers. She had never felt anything like it. She moaned as she felt his tongue's presence on her lips. Her lips parted and he slid in gently. She let out another soft moan. His taste was sweet. Their tongues danced erotically, fighting for power. Her hands softly travelled to his head as she ran her fingers through his curls. She felt his hand behind her own head. It felt right. It felt perfect. Time was suspended. Meredith reluctantly pulled away._

_"Thanks..." She muttered, pretending to brush it off._

_"What was that?" He asked, referring to Tony._

_"Amazing..." She said, referring to the kiss. She watched his face change. "Oh...uh...it was...I didn't want to talk to him. I never said you had to kiss me!" She shouted as she tensed up._

_"No you didn't." He said frankly with a smile. She grabbed the bottle of tequila and took a long drink. "That shit will kill you." He said, pointing to the bottle._

_"Only if I'm lucky." She muttered as she leaned back and drank._

_"So, do you want to talk about it?" He asked, knowing something major had happened._

_"No." She said quickly. "Just drink." She said as she handed him the bottle. He shrugged and took a swig. They passed it back and forth, sitting in silence. "I think we need another." She said as she drained it. _

_"I think that would be incredibly stupid...but okay." He said as he jumped up and grabbed a bottle off of the table. "So do you make this a habit?" He asked._

_"Pretty much." She nodded her head as she drank._

_Derek sat there and watched her. He didn't do this. He didn't sit around and drink. Especially with a girl who insisted on fighting with him. One who insisted on being hard-headed. He normally would say she was a waste of time. But he couldn't leave her. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't. Something about her was strong. He couldn't control himself. He couldn't make himself get up. He just wanted to be next to her. Even if it was just sharing a bottle of tequila on the sofa. They both drained the bottle and looked at each other._

_"I'm tired..." Meredith slurred as she looked into his eyes._

_"Me too...a little." He said as he laid his head back and closed his eyes. She leaned over, out before her head even hit his chest._

_**FYI: It's also on FanficGA. **_


	2. Second Chances

_"DEREK!" He heard the shrill scream. It was the sound of desperation. It was the sound of panic. It was the sound of shear unadulterated fear._

_He heard the squealing tires. There was no time. No time to look. No time to stop. No time. The impact was greater than any force he had ever felt. The sound of twisting metal and shattering glass filled his eardrums. He felt as if he was on some wicked ride at the amusement park. But this wasn't the amusement park. It wasn't a ride. It was his life. He felt the car flip one, two, three times... Everything went black._

_When he opened his eyes all he saw was red. Glass was shattered. The windshield was broken, but it had red spray all over it. Everything else was twisted. It was the only way he could explain it. Twisted. He raised his arm slowly, the pain shooting through like a knife. The red was blood. But the blood wasn't his. _

_"Oh my god!" He screamed. There she was. She was twisted. She was broken. The blood was everywhere. Her blood was everywhere. She was lifeless. She was...gone._

"Ahh!" Derek shouted as she sat up in bed. This was not new. This happened frequently. Nearly every night. Derek Shepherd hadn't slept through the night in fourteen years. Why should it change now?

"Derek...are you okay?" She asked as she sat up in the bed. And this was the same question she asked every night.

"Fine." He grumbled nastily as he rolled over.

"You're soaked." She said as she laid her hand on his sweat soaked wet clothing.

"I said I'm fine!" She said as he swatted her hand away. She laid down quietly. He wanted to go back. Back to the only thing that kept him going every day. The only thing that could bring a smile to his face. He had to go back to the memories...

_Derek woke up to the sun on his face. It was bright. And this was not the day for bright sun. After a bottle of tequila, several drinks and loud music, he felt like his head was going to explode. He didn't have to open his eyes to know it was bright. He was just going to stay there as long as he could. Then he felt it. Something was resting on him. He breathed in deep. Tequila. Beer. Flowers. He opened his eyes quickly, remembering the night before._

_She laid there like an angel. A snoring angel. But it was cute. She was so incredibly loud, but it was still cute. Her head rested softly on his chest, she had a faint smile on her lips. He bent down slightly and smelled her hair. It was sweet, faint, perfect. He looked around the house, seeing that most of it was clean. No one else was around. He softly rubbed her head and closed his eyes._

_"Now isn't that sweet..." Mark said sarcastically as he walked into the room. Derek opened his eyes quickly. _

_"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as she opened her eyes and sat up. "Oh!" She said as she looked around, squinting. _

_"Good morning, sweetheart!" Mark said loudly. She moved her head away from the loud sound._

_"Who the hell are you?" She grumbled tiredly._

_"Mark. This would be my home." He said as he looked around._

_"It's not his house. It's his parent's house." Derek clarified with a chuckle._

_"Specifics..." Mark said, shaking his head._

_"Oh." Meredith moaned._

_"So aren't you going to puke or something?" Mark asked with a laugh._

_"Why?" Meredith asked as she leaned against the sofa._

_"You're a chick. A chick who drank a bottle of tequila." Mark returned._

_"So..." Meredith answered as she stretched._

_"A girl who can hold her liquor...nice..." He said with a grin._

_"Hmm." She said with a nod._

_"So how old are you, anyway? And who the hell invited you?" Mark asked._

_"Old enough, and I don't know." She returned sarcastically._

_"Oh sarcastic too." He laughed. Meredith looked at the clock on the wall._

_"Shit!" I have to go!" She said as she stood up. "Um...thanks for your help last night. And thanks for sharing the bottle." She said as she walked away._

_"Leaving so soon?" Mark asked. "Don't let the door hit you in the ass!"_

_"Don't worry, I won't!" She said as she opened the door and walked out._

_"So what happened?" Mark asked as he walked over to the window. Derek walked over and joined him They watched he quickly walking._

_"I guess we passed out." Derek said with a shrug. They watched Meredith climb into her car. _

_"Nice car..." Mark said as he watched her pull out quickly._

_"No kidding..." Derek muttered._

_"So what's her name?" Mark asked as he motioned towards the road._

_"I never asked..." Derek muttered regrettably._

_"Nice move..." Mark returned as he shook his head._

And that was the first and last time he saw her. Well, maybe not the last.

_-----------------_

Meredith laid on the floor. Her head rested on a bag of her luggage. Things didn't really matter anymore. She could lay on the floor. Without a bed. Without someone next to her. Comfort didn't mean anything. Sleeping on a bag, without a blanket. It didn't mean anything. He wasn't there with her. She slowly closed her eyes and thought about him. Thought about the second night she had ever met him. It was by chance. And it changed everything.

_Meredith sat on the sofa watching t.v. She never watched t.v. She was always with her friends. Or with Tony. She was with Tony a lot. Even with the problems with Tony, she had only one thing on her mind. The kiss. The kiss she shared with a complete stranger. The kiss that made her whole body tingle. The kiss that tasted sweeter than any she had ever encountered. The kiss that she never wanted to end. There was something about the mysterious guy with his great hair and telling eyes that drew her in. She wanted to be near him. And when she was, she felt completely comfortable. So sitting on the sofa, rather than mourning the loss of her boyfriend, she was mourning the fact that she may never see Mr. Great Hair again._

_She jerked as the phone rang. One ten. That was the one-hundred and tenth time he had called. She wasn't answering. She didn't want to hear his pathetic excuses. The sad thing was, the only thing she could think of when she saw him with the girl was relief. While he was moaning loudly. While he was betraying her. While he was having sex with some random girl, he was making her life better. He was making it so much easier for her to kick him to the curb. It was great. She wasn't going to cry. She wasn't going to yell. She was going to smile. She was just flipping the channel when she heard the doorbell ring. _

_"Damn-it, Tony." She mumbled as she stood up. She looked out the window. It wasn't Tony. It was her best friend, Delia. _

_She opened the door with a smile. Delia was there for her through everything. They shared secrets. They knew everything about each other. Half the time they finished each other's sentences. But today, something was wrong. Delia smiled all of the time. Meredith was known as dark and twisty Meredith, Delia was the happy one. But today she didn't have a smile on her face. Her eyes were puffy. The tears were flowing freely._

_"I'm so sorry." She cried out as she stood there in the doorway._

_"What?" Meredith asked quickly. "What's wrong?" Meredith asked with worry._

_"I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I- It was me... I slept with Tony." She wailed as she covered her face._

_"What?" Meredith asked in shock. She felt like she had been hit by a bat in the stomach. "What?" She asked again. Maybe she had heard wrong._

_"It was me. I- You walked on us, last night." She said regretfully._

_"You? You and Tony?" Meredith said as she stepped back. "You! And Tony!" She yelled. Delia nodded. "Go." Meredith said firmly. Delia looked at her in shock. "Go! Get the hell away from me!" She said as she pushed her out and slammed the door._

_She couldn't believe it. She didn't care about Tony. But that wasn't the point. The point was that Delia slept with her boyfriend. Delia betrayed her worse than anyone ever had. She just stabbed her in the heart. Her best friend. And just like that, it was over..._

_Meredith grabbed her bag. It was 9:30pm. She wasn't in the mood for friends. And who would she call? She was just slapped in the face by her person. Ellis and Richard weren't home, as usual. They were always at the hospital. There was only one place she wanted to go. She grabbed her car keys, hopped in her car and drove away._

_She slammed the gear shift as she sped down the road. This was her luck. This was how it always went. She pulled into a spot and jumped out of the car. She walked into the familiar bar. She shouldn't be here. She couldn't be here. But she was. She needed to be. She needed to drink until everything went black. Then maybe she would wake up to a perfect life._

_"Tequila." She said simply as she sat down on the stool._

_"I.D." The bartender said frankly. She pulled it out and threw it on the bar._

_"Dave never cards me." She hissed. _

_"Well I do." He said as threw her I.D. down and poured her a shot. "Keep them coming." She told him as she slammed the shot. She laid her head back and sighed. Unbelievable. She opened her eyes to another shot sitting in front of her. She slowly tossed it back, letting it burn._

_----------------_

_Derek's mind was somewhere else. It was on her. The beautiful girl that had slept against his chest last night. The girl who seemed so free, so confident. The one who let whatever she wanted to say roll right off of her tongue. And then of course, there was that kiss. The one that had more feeling than any he had ever encountered._

_"You're thinking about her again, aren't you?" Mark asked as he looked over at a dazed out Derek._

_"No." Derek spat as he looked at the guys sitting around the high top table with him. _

_"Yes you are." He said with a chuckle. "This is all I heard about all day long." Mark explained to everyone. "The kiss was amazing... It meant something... He doesn't even know her name. They shared a bottle of tequila and a couch and now he's in love with her," Mark laughed, the rest of the guys joined him. Derek was getting mad. Who was he to talk?_

_"There was something about her..." Derek muttered more to himself than anyone else. He didn't really care about getting his now lost dignity back._

_"Okay, where is Derek Shepherd? And can we have him back? This guy's a loser." David said as he pointed to Derek._

_"Whatever, guys." Derek said as he took a swig of his beer._

_"She's too young for you anyway." Mark said, shaking his head._

_"No she's not." Derek said, shaking his head in disagreement._

_"Dude, she's like ten." Mark joked._

_"She is not ten." Derek said, shaking his head and glaring._

_"Well, she is built like a ten year old." He laughed as he looked at the guys._

_"She is not. Besides, weren't you going over to hit on her last night?" Derek said, recalling Mark's comments. "She wasn't ten then. Maybe a ten."_

_"Mark doesn't care if she's ten." Weiss said with a laugh._

_"Hey!" Mark shouted. "Eleven. I have some morals." He said, they all laughed. Derek rolled his eyes._

_"Okay. She was hot. Really hot. But you're never going to see her again. You don't know anything about her..." Mark pointed out. Mark was right. Derek dropped his head in defeat. "Holy shit." Mark said, as he spat his beer out._

_"What?" Weiss asked, following his stare._

_"She's-- There she is..." Mark said wide-eyed. He was staring off into the distance._

_Funny, asshole." Derek said angrily. "Not cool."_

_"No. Seriously, man. Look!" He said as he pointed to Meredith walking up to the bar. _

_Derek whipped his head around. She took his breath away. She looked absolutely amazing. Her jeans were skin tight. She had on black boots and a nice sweater that hung on to her curves perfectly. Her hair was laying softly on her shoulders. He watched her sit down at the bar and talk to the bartender. She threw her ID down on the bar._

STANDING IN A QUEUE OF A SCHOOL CANTEEN

GUYS ON THE CORNER THEY WERE LAUGHIN' AT ME

BUT I DON'T MIND IF THEY SEE IT ALL

YOU KNOW I GOTTA COME CLEAN

I GOTTA COME CLEAN

I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU...

_"I guess she is legal." Weiss said as he watched her, "And freaking hot!"_

_"Man, you should probably go over there. What's the chance you'd see her again?" Mark said in shock._

_"If you don't, I will." David said as he looked at her. "I'd tap that."_

_"You guys are pathetic." Derek said as he he climbed off his chair and walked up to the bar. This was his second chance. He wasn't leaving without knowing her name. "Imagine seeing you here." He said as he sat beside her. She didn't turn. She looked straight forward. He watched as she played with the empty shot glasses. _

_"Seriously?" She said, shaking her head. "You're here?" Her frown was evident. She didn't have the same light in her eyes as she did the night before._

_"Are you okay?" He asked, cocking his head. "You look sad..." He said softly._

_"Way to go there, Captain Obvious." Meredith muttered as she turned away._

_"So do you want to talk about it?" He asked. "I'm a good listener."_

_"No." She mumbled as she shook her head._

_"It will make you feel better. I promise." He said smoothly. She sat there in silence for awhile. Finally after downing a shot, she spoke._

_"My boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend now. And my friend. Ex-best friend. Last night. They had a good time. A very good time..." Meredith muttered loudly. "I knew he was fucking someone last night. I was hiding from him. I didn't even care. As far as I'm concerned we were over a long time ago. But today, my best friend cam to my house to confess..."_

_"Ouch!" Derek said as he leaned back. "So what are we mourning here? The loss of your boyfriend, your best friend, or both?" He asked with raised eyebrows._

_"Um, more the loss of the last six months, wasted on a complete asshole. And the last twelve years on a backstabbing bitch. So time. We mourn time." She said._

_"Goodbye, time." He said as they clanged their shot glasses together and threw them back. "I'm beginning to think you're a drunk..."_

_"I'm beginning to wonder myself!" She laughed. "More tequila!" She shouted._

_"Yes, more tequila!" He yelled to the bartender. The bartender poured them each a shot._

_"So, I forgot to ask you, what is your name?" He asked her as he looked over._

_"Oh, um, Meredith." She said with a faint smile. "Yours?"_

_"Derek." He returned. Meredith...he said to himself. Derek...she thought._

_"So Meredith, tell me about yourself..." He said quickly praying she didn't leave._

_"Nothing to tell. I'm just a girl. In a bar, at the moment." She said frankly._

_"Who likes tequila." He pointed out._

_"Who likes tequila." She agreed as the tapped glasses and slammed them._

_"I can deal with that..." He said with a shrug._

_He looked at her smile. It was beautiful. She lit up the room with that smile. And her giggle. It was infectious. He was finding himself trying everything to get her to giggle. He had to hear it again. He watched her chest rose and fell as she breathed in and out. He could only imagine the perfection that laid under her clothing. He could only dream about her laying in his bed, screaming his name out in pleasure. This was scary. She had taken him over. He had never felt this way about anyone. Powerless. He would do anything she told him to. He just hoped she didn't know that._

_"And you, what about you?" She asked with a giggle. There it was again._

_"I'm just a guy. A good looking guy, in a good looking shirt. Amazing hair too. I share bottles of tequila with beautiful girls and pass out with them, sitting up..." He told her. She started giggling again._

_"So that happens often?" She said flirtatiously._

_"Never. It's never happened." He admitted._

_"And you're arrogant... I like it." She shrugged. "It's actually pretty hot." She agreed._

_"So now I'm hot?" He asked as he raised his eyebrow._

_"Being arrogant. You- You are..." She started._

_"Hot. I know." He said with a smile._

_"Sexy. Not hot. Sexy." She muttered as she stared into his eyes._

_"Really?" He asked with a dirty grin._

_"Uh huh." She agreed, not able to move her gaze away._

_"So sexy meets beautiful..." He said with a chuckle._

_"I suppose so..." She said with a smile. "I think I need more." She said as she wrinkled her nose. Just one more adorable thing she does. "Tequila, that is..."_

_"More tequila!" He shouted down the bar._

_Meredith looked at him. He was amazing. She didn't know why. It was an attraction beyond words. Even the sound of his voice turned her on. She found herself hoping the night would never end. It couldn't end. Maybe she had lost her mind. Maybe she was crazy, but she never wanted to leave his side._

_"What are we drinking to this time?" She asked him._

_"Sexy meeting sexy..." He said with a smirk._

_"Hey...I thought I was beautiful." She said with a playful laugh._

_"That too." He said._

_"Okay. To sexy and sexy." She said as she clanged her glass._

_"I thing I need to confess something." A slightly buzzed Derek said as he leaned over to her. She could feel his hot breath on his neck. It sent chills all over her body. "I have a crush on you..." He muttered._

_"Oh really?" She giggled as she leaned over to him and whispered into his ear, "I think I may also have a crush on you..." She said as she nibbled on his ear. The alcohol was taking effect._

_"Shall we act on this?" He asked with a grin._

_"We shall." She said as she pulled him close and presses her lips on his. There it was. The amazing taste. Even through the taste of tequila, they could both taste each other. Their tongues fought playfully before Derek pulled away breathlessly._

_"What do you say we get out of here?" He asked. Meredith grinned when she looked down as saw his growing bulge. She opened her purse and threw several large bills on the bar. She grabbed his hand and they both walked to the door. Derek rolled his eyes when he heard his friends whistling._

MY MIND DON'T NEED IT BUT MY BODY DO

A LITTLE BIT OF LOVING AND ATTENTION FOR YOU

ALTHOUGH WE'RE ONLY STRANGERS

THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW

I GOTTA CUM CLEAN, I GOTTA CUM CLEAN

OOH, I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

_They couldn't keep their hands off of each other as they waited for the cab. Derek wanted to rip of her clothes and take her right then and there on the sidewalk. But Meredith was special, she deserves more. They jumped in the the cab eagerly. Derek spat out directions to the cab driver. As soon as he was done talking Meredith pushed him back on the seat and straddled him. She forced his tongue into his mouth and sucked on his lips. She felt his hand slide up her shirt. She moaned as his hand slid down the back of her jeans and grabbed her ass._

_"Here." The cab driver said as they pulled up. Derek threw him some money and led Meredith to the door. Derek opted for the steps rather than wait for the elevator. They nearly collapsed on the steps. Derek looked over at her eyes. They were full of need. He quickly picked her up, never taking his mouth off of hers, her legs wrapped around him. She could feel his erection pressing against her, nearly sending her over the edge. _

_"Hurry." She moaned as she began sucking on his neck. _

_He started walking up the stairs two at a time. He sat her down as he pulled out his key. Meredith and Derek crashed through the door of his apartment as it opened. He kicked it shut and led the way._

_"Nice place." She muttered as they stumbled down the hallway. _

_She walked into his room and fell onto the bed. She smiled as he unbuttoned his pants and let them fall to the floor. The presence of his bulge through his boxers made her gasp. He laid down on the bed and slowly unbuttoned her jeans. They easily slid down her toned legs and ended up somewhere on the floor near his. He smiled when he looked at her tiny black panties, a perfect wet spot awaiting him. He quickly slide his shirt off and threw it aside. She sat up and pulled off her sweater._

_She had went far, but never far enough. But Derek. This was it. The thing she never wanted to do with Tony. Derek was different. Derek made her comfortable. He turned her on in ways she never knew. Derek was the one. She had known him about twenty-four hours, but it was enough. She knew it was insane. But he was the one. He was her first._

_Derek looked at her perfect body. Her lacy bra and panties just barely covered up her perfection. She was perfect. She was different. This felt different. This wasn't and opportunity lay. This wasn't and easy screw. This was just...different. He looked into her eyes. She could see a small amount of fear, but a definite look of desire. He eyes turned a deeps shade of green as she took him in._

I WANNA GET SERIOUS RIGHT AWAY

1-2, I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

WHAT YOU DOIN' TODAY OR ANY OTHER DAY?

1-2, I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

JUST ONE LOOK AND I GO INSANE

1-2, I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

_He smiled, and it was returned with a smile from her. He slowly pressed forward. His mouth slowly began sucking on her neck. She moaned as he nipped and sucked. His mouth trailed down. He slowly lifted herself and he rain his hands down her back, unclasping her bra. Her perfect breasts fell out. His mouth instantly went to each, teasing and sucking. _

_"Oh..." She moaned as he created hardened peaks. She felt his tongue move down and suck on her navel. She felt her body tingle as he looped his finger around her panties and pulled them down. "Oh god!" She gasped as she felt his tongue enter her moist heat._

_"God you're wet..." He muttered as he swirled his tongue around, flicking and rubbing._

_"Oh my god...oh...shit!...oh my..." She moaned as he released in his mouth._

_"Sorry..." She said softly._

_"Sorry?" He asked as he looked up. Why would she apologize? He quickly began sucking her warm fluid. "This is perfect..." He quickly travelled back up to her mouth. _

_They rolled over gently. She looked down at his boxers. Does she return the favor? That would definitely be new to her. She grasped the waistband of his boxers and pulled them down._

_"I've never..." She finally admitted._

_"You don't have to." He said with understanding._

_"I want to." She nodded as she looked down at his large cock. "I really want to..."_

_"Wait we need a--" He started. She quickly came down and flicked the tip with her tongue. It sparked something inside of her. She quickly placed his large mass in her mouth as she began sucking softly. His thought was quickly lost..._

_"Oh god, Mer." He muttered as he felt her lips run up and down his length. Her teeth gentle scraped him, causing him to moan loudly. "Use your hand..." He moaned. "If you want..." He didn't want to be demanding. He wanted to be gentle with her. He wanted to take care of her. She softly place her fingers around him as she stroked gently. She felt him began to pulsate, the blood rushing to his cock. "Oh god...oh...I'm..." He moaned. Meredith choked as he released into her mouth. She quickly began spitting out his hot fluid. Pulling himself out of his climax he quickly sat up. "Are you okay?" He asked with worry._

_"Yeah. I'm okay..." She said quickly. She had never felt so stupid. "Sorry..."_

_"It's okay, you did great..." He said with a smile. She slowly found her way back to his lips and he began sucking hard on her lower lip. "I need you..." He moaned. She felt his erection rubbing against her, nearly sending her over the edge. _

_"Yeah..." She agreed. Her mind clouded by the new sensations taking her body over._

_"Yeah?" He asked again. She nodded in agreement. He rolled over and grabbed a condom out of the bedside table. She watched as he ripped it open and rolled it on. She rolled onto her back. He gently pushed her knees up and entered her slowly._

YOUR DADDY NEVER COMES TO GET YOU

COS LIVES SO FAR AWAY

BUT HIS I-TALIAN CHAUFFEUR SHOWS UP EVERY DAY

BUT I'LL GET YOU IN THE CORNER, I'LL GET YOU ALL ALONE

I GOTTA CUM CLEAN, I GOTTA COME CLEAN

_"Oh my god!" She gasped as she felt his length penetrate her. She immediately felt sensations she had never felt._

_"Holy shit...you are tight." He said in shock as he slid himself in and out of her. "Oh..." He moaned. She gasped as she felt his length reach deeper and farther. She pulled her legs apart and felt him go deeper._

_"Derek...oh god...Derek..." She screamed as he quickened his pace. "Oh my..." She moaned. She had never felt it like this, and she wanted more. She never wanted the pleasure to end._

_"Meredith...Oh my...Mer..." He moaned loudly. He could feel her tightening around him._

_"I'm...oh god!" She shouted as she felt a rush of heat. He laughed. She was a screamer. A loud one._

_"Fuck...I'm...oh..." He grunted as he thrust into her and released. "Oh my god." He said as he collapsed. He looked into her eyes, and watched the smile creep up. He rolled off of her and stared at the ceiling. They both laid there, covered in sweat and panting._

_"That was...um...my first time..." She muttered softy. She immediately regretted saying it. How stupid..._

_"What!? He asked in utter shock. He knew that she was tight, but he never thought that. "You um...did you...do you...I'm sorry. I didn't know!" He said nervously._

_"It's okay. It was good..." She nodded with a smile._

_"Are you sure? We-- I--" He stammered. "Your first?"_

_"Yes. The whole way. I'm sorry, I should have told you. I just-- I was afraid you would stop. I'm sorry..." She said with a frown._

_"As long as you don't regret it. I just...I could have..." He said in shock. He was her first. He barely knew her, and he was her first. He was praying that this was okay. That he could live with it._

_"It was good. Great even... Wanna do it again?" She said with a dirty smile._

_"Are you sure?" He asked as he looked over at her._

_"Oh yeah!" She said as she rolled over on him. Tonight was tonight, and it's what she wanted._

I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

_Derek couldn't believe it. Her appetite was unbelievable. He was exhausted, but kept going, just to please her. It was the power she had over him. But it was good. It was amazing. They shared something neither had ever felt. Their infatuation, their attraction it grew. It rooted deep and turned into an all-consuming love._

_Meredith woke up with the sun on her face. He had his arms wrapped tightly around her. Last night had been amazing. Albeit they were up all night long. But she didn't regret it. She couldn't explain it. She just couldn't pull herself away from him. And she didn't want to. She looked over at the clock on the table._

_"Holy crap!" She said as she jumped out of bed._

_"What's wrong?" Derek said as jumped up._

_"I'm late. Oh shit, I'm late. It's Monday!" She said as she began dressing quickly._

_"And?" He asked as he looked at her._

_"Crap." She said as she threw her shoes on. "Last night was...amazing." She said with a smile as she opened his door. He threw his boxers on and chased after her._

_"If it isn't the champions!" Mark said as they walked out. "Damn!" He said with a grin. "You two were busy last night. And you are a screamer..." He said pointing to her._

_"I have to--" She said in a panic._

_"Wait! I where do you live? How can I get ahold of you?" He said with worry. She wasn't getting away this time. She grabbed a piece of paper out of her purse and scribbled her number down._

_"Bye..." She said with a smile as she walked out._

_"What was that?" Mark asked._

_"I'm an ass." Derek answered. _

_"Why?" Mark said as he turned the coffee on._

_"I-- I was her first. I didn't know. Not until after." Derek said with sadness._

_"Nice..." Mark said with a grin. "Lucky bastard!"_

_"No! Not nice. It was wrong. It should have been...different." Derek moaned as he rubbed his face._

_"Well it sure as hell didn't sound like she was complaining!" Mark said with a laugh. "In fact, it was anything but! I'm sure she is fine..."_

_"I hope so." Derek answered._

1-2, I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

1-2, I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

1-2, I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

I SAID 1-2

I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

_Meredith climbed in the cab. She was in deep shit. She was late. They would call her parents. Not that she wouldn't intercept the message first. But she couldn't afford to screw up. Everyone would wonder where she was. She was still in the same clothes. She would make it, albeit a couple hours late. She quickly climbed into her car and sighed when she saw her bag in the back seat. She was late...she was late for school. _OH SHIT!

_**There is chapter two. Oh yeah, I love reviews by the way! Song is 1-2 Crush on You by The Clash.**_


	3. Keeping Secrets

Meredith awoke abrubptly when she heard the small alarm clock go off next to her head. She moaned as she turned her head, her neck popping several times. She knew better than to sleep on the floor. Her body couldn't handle it. It always rebelled. She had to sleep on her mattress. And it had to be her mattress, the extra supportive one. He body cracked as she stood up and looked around. Her cab was coming soon. Should she take a shower? The passengers on the plane would probably appreciate it.

She climbed into the hot shower, letting the steaming water pound on her body. It always made her feel better. The rain hurt, but the hot water helped. It was something to do with pressure in the air and things. She didn't know. Didn't care. She just knew it. Rain hurts. So where is she going? Seattle. Smart...really smart!

Showering used to be fun. She and Derek always found a way to make it fun. The bendy thing. She really missed the bendy thing. She could never do that with anyone else. She couldn't shower with anyone else. It was a sacred place. It was the place where she let her tears go down the drain, unnoticed. Just as if they were never there. Just like her. Just how she felt, as if she were never there.

The ride on the plane was typical. She drank several tiny bottles of the available liquor. She didn't care what it was. As long as it was alcohol, it was good. It just had to do the job. Numb the pain. Both physical and mental. She didn't know which was worse. They were both so strong. She laid back and thought of the recent phone call she had with her mother.

_"Meredith." Ellis said as she heard her daughter's voice._

_"Hey mom." Meredith answered softly._

_"What's going on? Is everything okay?" She asked with worry._

_"Everything is fine, mom." Meredith returned. "Actually, it's really good. I'm coming to Seattle..."_

_"What?" Ellis said in shock. "Seattle? Why would you come to Seattle?" She asked._

_"Well, I got into Seattle Grace. Transfered, actually." Meredith explained._

_"But why?" She asked._

_"They have the best cardio-thoracic department in the country." Meredith explained._

_"I know. But I really don't think you should come to Seattle. It rains a lot. And you will hurt. You need to go somewhere else." Ells told her. "Chicago...New York..."_

_"I'm coming to Seattle..." Meredith reiterated. "Everything has gone through."_

_"I-- Talk to Richard..." Ellis said nervously._

_"How are you, Mer?" Richard asked as he answered the phone._

_"Good, Richard." Meredith answered. "I'm coming to Seattle and mom is freaking out. Apparently she doesn't want me around?" Meredith asked with hurt._

_"You know it's not that." Richard said. He knew what it was. He knew exactly why. "She just wants the best for you."_

_"Seattle is the best. I am going there to work for the best. In a month." Meredith explained. "Everything went through. The transfer has been made."_

_"It has?" He asked sadly. "Well, I guess we should prepare for our daughter. We haven't seen you in so long..."_

_"I know..." She moaned._

_"Do you have a place to go?" Richard asked._

_"No, I was looking at apartments." She explained._

_"You don't worry about it. We are going to find you the best apartment in Seattle." He told her. _

_"Thanks, Richard." Meredith said with a smile._

_"Don't worry about your mom. I'll talk to her." He said quickly_

_"Okay." Meredith told him. "Oh, I have to go." She said quickly._

_"Okay. And Meredith?" He asked._

_"Yeah?"_

_"We can't wait to have you back. See you later." Richard said with happiness in his voice._

_"Bye." She said as she shut her phone._

_"Smart, Richard. Real smart." Ellis spat._

_"What was I supposed to say, Ellis? The truth?" He snapped._

_"She can't come here, Richard." Ellis said nervously._

_"She can. And she is. The question is, can we fix our mistakes?" Richard said with a frown._

Meredith grabbed her carry-on bag and followed her fellow passengers off of the plane. It was a easy ride, no turbulence, and no delays. Rare to find, it seemed. Meredith had never been a fan of flying. She tolerated it, but the alcohol she consumed while flying was definitely necessary. She was shocked to see Richard standing there, waiting for her. She knew her mom wouldn't be there. But she didn't think Richard would be either. She smiled as she got nearer to him.

"Meredith..." He said happily as she walked up. He stepped up and pulled her into an embrace. "It's been too long."

"I know." She said with a broken smile.

"Five years too long." He said, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, it's just... I've been busy. It does go both ways, you know..." She said, shaking her head and looking at him.

"You're right about that." He agreed as he wrapped his arm around her. They swiftly walked to the baggage claim.

"So Mom?" She asked, knowing the answer.

"She's at the hospital. An emergency of some sort." He told her regrettably.

"Of course." Meredith said sarcastically.

"She wanted to be here." He said, trying to convince her. "She really did." He was sincere. It was the truth. They pushed through the swarms of people and began watching fro her bags.

"Uh huh." Meredith said, turning away and rolling her eyes.

"Did you get the pictures I sent to you? Of the apartment?" He asked.

"It's great. But it's way too much. I just need a place to lay my head." She said quickly.

"Well, I didn't know if you would have someone living with you..." He said, tip-toeing around the situation.

"Are you asking me if I have a boyfriend?" She asked with a sad chuckle.

"Maybe..." Richard admitted.

"Well there isn't. They hasn't been in a long time, and there won't be." Meredith told him frankly. His face dropped at her comment.

"Meredith..." He said sadly. It killed him. Part of this was his fault. "It's been a long time..."

"So the apartment, it's too much." She said, avoiding the conversation. "You always do way too much."

"You're my little girl." He said with a smile, knowing still after all the years, she couldn't talk about it.

"Well, I can't wait to see it." She said, trying to make him happy.

"Good. It's not too far from the hospital. And not far from your mother and I's house. But far enough. We don't want to interfere..." Richard explained.

"Well, I appreciate everything. I really do." Meredith returned genuinely as she grabbed her bags.

"Here, let me help you." He said as he grabbed the bags. "I know you can't handle that much..." He said with a frown. "How have you been feeling, by the way?"

"Good." She responded. It was a lie. Her body felt like a train wreck, daily.

"Good." He answered as they walked outside towards his BMW. He popped the trunk open and they threw the bags in. "We didn't unpack your things. The apartment was furnished, you knew that... You really don't have much." He added. It was true. She didn't have much. She didn't do the shopping and decorating. She worked. That was all she ever did.

"I'm always at the hospital." She muttered as she walked to the side of the car. She took in a deep breath. Richard took notice.

"It's okay." He said as he looked over at her.

"I know it is..." She snapped. It was more to herself. It was pathetic. She was afraid to get into the car. "Sorry..." She said as she climbed in and snapped her seat belt. She looked out the window as they drove. She had never been to Seattle.

"So, Miranda Bailey is a wonderful doctor." Richard finally spoke. The silence was killing him.

"Yeah?" Meredith asked.

"She was my intern back in the day. And now she is Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace." He said, unbelieving.

"I heard she is pretty nasty." Meredith said with a frown.

"She's straightforward. But she will do anything to protect her own. She's like a mother lion. She's great, she really is." He said reassuringly.

"That's good." Meredith muttered.

Richard looked over at her. She wasn't the same. She used to be bright and happy. She had always been a firecracker when she was young. Wild and free. They never knew what she was going to do next. But they never worried about her future. She was focused, and bound to do well. At least that was Richard's take. Ellis always wanted her on a tight leash, but she was never around to enforce it. Richard said she needed to be free to figure it out on her own. But now, looking at her, she was an empty shell of what she once was. It was sad. He had missed her, but even with her sitting next to him, it was like she wasn't even there.

Meredith watched out the window. She didn't wasn't to talk. She didn't want to do anything. Life was unfair. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. She was supposed to be happy. She was supposed to feel alive. She didn't feel alive. It was either pain or numbness. Happiness. Pleasure. Joy. They were gone. Now all she did was exist.

"We're here!" Richard said as they pulled up in front of an upscale apartment building.

"It's too much." She reiterated as stepped out of the car.

"This is your parking spot." He said as he climbed out. "We're going to drop the spare car off for you tonight. I didn't want to make that decision for you. Not after--" He started. He watched her take a deep breath and decided not to continue.

"That's fine." She muttered as she followed him to the door. He quickly unlocked it and pushed it open. "Oh, wow. It's even bigger than it looked..." She said in shock as she looked around.

"It's okay?" He said, looking for approval.

"It's great." She said as she gave him a soft hug. He never knew how she felt. Not anymore. She didn't smile. She didn't laugh. Not really laugh. Not like she used to.

"Well, would you like me to show you around?" He asked.

"Sure..." She returned. She heard the familiar sound of a pager.

"Shoot... I have to..." He started.

"It's fine. Go. I'll be fine." She reassured him.

"You're sure?" She nodded. "Okay. There is phone service. The number in on the table. Dinner tonight...I promised your mother." He warned.

"Okay. I'll see you..." She said quickly.

"Around seven." He told her. She nodded her head. "Bye."

"Bye." She returned.

"It's great to have you home." He told her.

"Thanks." She muttered as she shut the door.

She slowly looked around the apartment. It was nice. Beyond nice. He tried. He always tried. He just wanted her to be happy. She knew that. It used to work. But not anymore. She didn't know how to be happy anymore. She finally made it to the master bedroom. The bed looked so inviting, so warm. She slowly walked over and collapsed, the tears falling freely.

Richard drove slowly. He wasn't focused. He couldn't quit thinking about Meredith. About how quiet she was. How emotionless she had become. It killed him. Ellis may be able to deal with her guilt, but her couldn't. Something had to change.

"Richard." Ellis said as she walked down the hallway of Seattle Perspiration Hospital. "How is she?" Ellis said with worry. "I should have been there."

"Ellis, we were wrong." Richard said with deep regret. She could see the weight of the world on his shoulders. His face with wracked with worry.

"Why? What's wrong?" Ellis said in a panic.

"She's not okay. She's not the same. It's-- She got off the plane. She thin. And she drinks. I know she drinks too much. Oh god, what have we done?" He said as a tear slid down his cheek. "Why? Why did you have to do that?"

"I did what I thought was best." She said sadly as she leaned and and hugged him. "I did what I thought was best..."

--------------

Derek pulled himself out of bed begrudgingly. It was the same thing everyday. Get up, work, go to bed. He couldn't imagine anything else. Well he could dream. But his dream was gone. It had long since flown out the window. He walked into his bathroom and looked into the mirror. He was a ghost. He wasn't Derek Shepherd anymore. He wasn't who he once was. His face was worn, full of regret and sorrow. He quickly brushed his teeth, combed his hair and headed downstairs.

"Good morning!" She said cheerfully. She came over and gave him a soft peck on the cheek.

"Morning." He grumbled as he plopped down in the chair at the kitchen table.

She quickly put a bowl of Muesli in front of him and an orange juice. Derek grabbed the paper and started reading. He wasn't sure why. He didn't really care about what was happening. Maybe it was just a block. If he pretended he was reading, he wouldn't have to listen to her. He could avoid. Meredith avoided. He hated that. Now he was an avoider.

"So, do you have surgery?" Kristy asked with a smile as she sipped her coffee.

"Kris, I always have surgery." Derek responded to his wife. "A craniotomy." He mumbled.

"Oh." She responded meekly. "Your milk is getting warm." She pointed out.

"It's fine." He muttered as he stirred it around.

"Okay." Kristy said as he ate her english muffin. She didn't want to argue. She didn't want to care. She wished she could just stop. "So I guess some famous surgeon's progeny is coming to Seattle Grace." She said softly.

"That's nice." Derek answered, not listening.

"What time are you going to be off tonight?" Kristy asked as she looked up at him.

"Mmm." Derek answered.

"Are you listening?" Kristy asked as she looked at him.

"Mmm." He mumbled.

"Like talking to a brick wall." She said sadly. "Well I'll be here. Like I always am. Alone."

"Oh. I have to go." Derek said as he looked at his watch.

"But you didn't eat." Kristy pointed out.

"Not hungry." He said as he grabbed his bad and headed out to the garage.

"Bye, Der." She said unhappily. "Have a good day."

"You too..." He said as he shut the door.

He felt like he was suffocating. He couldn't take it. She was a good person. She cared about him. It was the right thing to do. He climbed into his Denali. This always happened. His heart jumped into his throat as he started the car. Always wondering what would happen. He pushed the garage door opener and pulled out.

"I miss you..." He muttered as he drove down the road.

He looked at the donut shop. He was supposed to be the healthy one. She was the one that ate the junk. In the end, it really didn't matter. That's how it always went.

"What can I get for you?" The speaker said as he drove up.

"A glazed donut and a coffee. Two cream, three sugar." He said.

"Please pull around." The voice said. "Three dollars ten cents." She said as she stuck out her hand.

He handed her the bills in exchange for his secret contraband. He took a big sip of his coffee, and a bite of his donut. She would be proud. He knew she would be. She used to gag when he would eat his muesli.

_"That is so gross." Meredith said as she pointed to the bowl._

_"No it's not! Try it!" He told her._

_"No. It's all...gross." She said as she scrunched her nose._

_"Come on..." He said as he pushed the spoon towards her. _

_"Fine." She moaned as he put it in her mouth. "Eww...poison!" She laughed as she took a drink of orange juice to wash it down._

_"You are pathetic!" He laughed._

_"I know." She said as she ate her donut. "Try mine." She said as she shoved the donut in his face, covering him in glaze. _

_"I want to live until I'm fifty." He laughed. _

_"I'll out live you, old man!" She joked. "This crap is so full of preservatives, I'll never die! I'm going to live until I'm one hundred and ten." She laughed._

_"I'm sure you will!" He laughed as she shoved the rest of her donut in her mouth. "I'm sure you will..."_

"This is for you, Mer." He said as he raised his donut and took a bite. "This one is for you."

Derek quietly drove to the hospital. This was his sanctuary. This was the place where he was comfortable. Not happy. Not satisfied. It was just comfortable. It was quiet. It was numbing. It helped dull the pain. It helped stop the turmoil inside. He quickly pulled into his parking space and walked up to the hospital. He was a world renowned neurosurgeon. He was supposed to have it all. Yet he felt like he had nothing.

"Oh god." An intern whispered. "I pray I am not stuck with him today."

"You? Me! I can't deal with him." The other intern said. "Last week her screamed and threw me out of the OR."

"He is the biggest asshole I have ever met." The first intern spat. "Seriously..."

"Good looking...but man, it's not worth it." Another intern said under her breath.

"No kidding. I feel bad for his wife." The intern said. "She's a nurse at Grace...I wonder why?" He said sarcastically.

"No shit. He's just so-- I have never seen anyone so unhappy in my life. He exudes misery." The first intern said.

"Yeah. It's kind of sad, actually." The other intern said.

"Do you think you're getting paid to sit on your asses?" Derek shouted as he walked up.

"No sir!" The interns all said as they scattered.

Derek paused for a moment. Sometimes it happened. It was the greatest feeling in the world. Sometimes it was the rain. Or the smell of fresh lavender. Or seeing calla lilies, her favorite. But it would come back. A memory. A good memory. And that's how he made it through life...a memory at a time.

_"You're going to be the best heart surgeon in the world." Meredith smiled as she watched him study. She loved to watch him. He always had a certain look when he was concentrating. She quickly sat on the couch next to him and placed her hand on his chest._

_"Maybe if I could study...without you bothering me..." He laughed as he looked over. he looked into the green eyes. The ones that he couldn't deny, no matter what the request._

_"First of all, you're not even in med school. And B, you like my distracting," Meredith said as she grabbed his book and threw it aside. She lifted her leg and straddled him, feeling his pressing erection. Her hand softly held his face as she placed her lips on his. They pulled away breathlessly._

_"It's one and two. Not one and B... And you can never be too ready." He said chuckled as he unbuttoned her shirt. Not her shirt. His. His good looking shirt. It looked better on her anyway. His lips trailed down her chest. His mouth began teasing her perfect, soft breasts._

_"The heart isn't that amazing." She said as she leaned back. He raised his eyebrows. "It beats... You know when it beats faster?" She giggled as she rocked around on him._

_"When would that be?" He asked with a gasp as he reacted to her movement._

_"Let me show you..." She said with a smile as she rocked back and unbuttoned his pants. He lifted himself as she pulled his jeans down. His shaft peeked out from it's hiding spot._

_"Oh...I like the showing. I'm all for the showing, More showing I say..." He moaned as he felt her soft sqin pressing against hers. She quickly moved her panties to the side and placed herself on him. "Oh Mer..." He moaned as she rocked softly on top of him. He could feel her moist heat enveloping him._

_"Oh...Der..." She said as she stared into his eyes. She quickly began rocking faster and harder, him trusting into her, meeting her rhythm. "Oh god...harder!" She shouted._

_"Mer...oh...shit...I'm..." He moaned as he began to pulsate._

_"Crap...oh god!" She yelled as her climax took over. She felt him release with a grunt. "Ohhh..." She moaned. She looked into his deep blue eyes. "Promise me it will be like this forever." She said with a smile._

_"Meredith, I promise it will be like this forever..." He said as he felt her lay her head on his shoulder._

"Oh my god" The intern said as she looked at her fellow doctor. "Did he just..."

"Smile? Yeah." He said in shock.

"He's never...whoa." She returned.

_----------------_

Meredith heard the phone ring. She knew who it was. She couldn't answer. She didn't want to answer. She couldn't pretend she was happy. She couldn't go to dinner and smile. She couldn't talk about the past. But no one talked about the past. They avoided it like the plague. It had become a taboo subject. If they did talk about it, she probably couldn't handle it. There was no way. But them not talking about it was just as uncomfortable. They handled her with kid gloves. But she needed to be, she just didn't realize it.

Meredith looked over at the clock. She couldn't get up. At the same time, she couldn't sleep. Sleep rarely came, at least not restful sleep. She would often lay in bed at night praying for just an hour. An hour without flashbacks. Without painful memories. There was something that always got her through the night. Through life, really. And she was pretty sure she had packed it.

Meredith slowly pulled herself out of the bed. She walked into her new living room. The apartment was nice, but it didn't matter. She looked at the few boxes in the middle of the room. It was pathetic. She had nothing. She wanted nothing. Ten boxes. They weren't even big boxes. Ten boxes was all she had. She quickly began ripping tape off of boxes. She had to have it. She needed it. As she went through the third box, there it was. She pulled out the tall bottle that was wrapped in a tee shirt.

Tequila. She needed it. It helped. Not helped. Numbed. She needed to be numb. She couldn't stand the pain. She couldn't tolerate it anymore. The memories. The flashbacks. The physical pain. The emotional pain. This is how she made it. A bottle at a time. She quickly pulled off the top and threw it aside. She threw the bottle back and took a nice long drink. It slid down her throat, burning it's way. She needed that. She needed the pain. It's how she knew she was still alive.

Meredith sat there, in front of her few belongings. She didn't need them. She had enough clothes to get her through a week. No dresses. No shoes. A pair of boots and a pair of tennis shoes. All she had to do was make it to work and make it home. Nothing in between or after mattered. She slowly tore open another box. She pulled out the various items, setting them aside. When she reached the bottom, there it was. The envelope. She picked it up, swearing it burned in her hands as she did. She wanted to open it. No she didn't. She couldn't. He was gone. He disappeared. She couldn't look at those telling blue eyes. Even in a picture. She wasn't ready to feel the rush, the flood of emotions. She threw the envelope back in the box, throwing everything back on top of it. She had to hide it. She had to cover it up. She slowly pulled herself up and walked to her room. She sat on the bed. Alone. With her bottle. Alone.

---------------

"Still no answer?" Ellis asked as she looked over at Richard, his phone against his ear.

"No." He said sadly. "I told her seven. Dinner at seven. She nodded. She heard me." She looked at his face. She could see the worry. "We need to go over there." He said frankly.

"Okay." She agreed as she grabbed her purse. "Maybe she's just out." Ellis suggested.

"She's not the same, Ellis. She is a shell of what she once was. She didn't go out." He snapped nervously. "She should answer the phone..." He said quickly. "Maybe she's just sleeping." He said with a hopeful tone.

"She's a light sleeper. The phone would wake her up." Ellis said quickly.

"She's not answering..." Richard said as he called again. "What if..." He said, not wanting to say it out loud. "What if she hurt herself?"

"Meredith wouldn't hurt herself." Ellis chucked as she looked over at him. Her face fell as she looked into his eyes.

"She's not the same...She's not the same..." He muttered. "Maybe we're being foolish." He said, trying to make them both feel better.

"No. We need to drop off the car, anyhow." Ellis said encouragingly. "Let's go." She said as they walked out.

Ellis followed Richard in the sedan. She would never admit it, but she had a large knot forming in her stomach. Richard was worried. Not even worried. Scared as hell, was more accurate. Richard didn't worry. He was steady. His words echoed in her head. She's a shell. She's not the same. She's a shell. She's not the same. The guilt washed over her body as she drove along. She pulled the sedan into Meredith's designated spot as Richard went to the guest parking area. She breathed in as they walked to the door together. Richard walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. No answer.

"Try again." Ellis said as they waited. He pushed the button. "Do you have a key?" She asked. He quickly held it up.

"Maybe we shouldn't. We don't know what we might walk in on..." Richard said frankly.

"With Meredith, you never know." She said with laugh. Richard chuckled as he put the key in the lock.

_[iEllis walked towards Meredith's room. She was harsh. Beyond harsh. But at the same time, Meredith had crossed the line. Thousands of dollars worth of damage was done. The police were called. They actually called her at work. At the hospital. There were more empty beer and liquor bottles than she had ever seen. The house was a disaster. And Meredith, she had been so intoxicated she could barely walk. Words were said. And Meredith was right, Ellis couldn't just be a mom when she had time._

_"Meredith." Ellis said as she knocked on the door and opened it in true doctor fashion. She gasped as she head the moans._

_"Mom!" Meredith shouted as she looked up in shock. She watched her daughter pull a blanket up and over she and a man. She couldn't see his face. Just a head full of dark curls._

_"Oh my god!" Ellis spat. She couldn't believe it. Her baby. Her daughter. "I'll be outside." She quickly shut the door and breathed heavily. _

_She listened to the panicked vices. She heard the hurried footsteps moving around. Meredith opened the door, blocking her mother from the man. He quickly rushed out. She could hear his heavy footsteps down the stairs._

_"Oh, Meredith..." She said as she looked at her daughter. Clothes thrown on. Her hair in a mess. "How old is he?"_

_"It doesn't matter." Meredith returned quickly._

_"How old?" Ellis yelled. Meredith rolled her eyes._

_"I'm leaving." She said as she jogged down the stairs. _

_Ellis walked into her daughters room. The bed a mess. A condom wrapper was in the table. At least she had enough sense to do that, she thought. She quickly looked out the window. There went her daughter, speeding off down the driveway, with the man in the passenger seat._

_"She is going to be the death of me." Ellis muttered to herself.[/i_

"Open it, Richard." Ellis said as she looked at the door.

He quickly pushed the door open. The apartment was dark. The air stale. It smelled of death. The smell of death seemed to follow Meredith everywhere. Ellis shook her head as she looked at the few boxes, knowing that was all she had.

"Meredith?" Richard shouted loudly. He looked at Ellis, her face dropped.

"Mer?" Ellis yelled. Panic was evident in her face. "Look for her." Ellis said as they began walking around.

They walked around the large three bedroom apartment in a frenzy. They both gasped when they walked into the master bedroom. There she was, sprawled out on the bed. he hair was laying everywhere, and the bottle of tequila was still in her tiny hand. Her skin was pale. Ellis looked at Richard. They were both thinking the same thing.

"You have to check. I can't-- You-- I--" Ellis said in a complete and total panic. "You have to check." She cried out. Richard slowly walked over and checked her pulse.

"She's alive!" He said quickly. They both exhaled loudly. He leaned down and touched her. "I think she's just passed out." He said as he looked down.

Ellis rushed over to Richard. He quickly pulled her into a warm embrace. She is Ellis Grey. World renowned surgeon. The best. Cold. Calculated. Focused. Driven. Right now she was a mess. Her baby was on that bed. Her daughter. Her daughter was not what she once was. Richard was right. She was different. She was gone. Meredith wasn't there. And she didn't know if she'd ever be back. Richard held her as sobbed wracked her body.

"Oh my god, Richard." She said in shock as she bent down next to her daughter, stroking her hair.

"I know, Ellis." Richard agreed as he placed his hand on her back.

"She's... Oh my god." She said once again in disbelief.

"Maybe we should fix this. Could we fix this?" He asked as he bent down next to her.

"It's too late, Richard. It's far too late." She said sadly as she stroked her daughter's face.

"I'll stay with her." Richard offered. "I know you have work in the morning."

"Not tomorrow. Not now." She said as she knelt there. Richard nodded his head and took his spot in the chair. Ellis remained by Meredith's side, stoking her hair. "I'm sorry sorry, baby. I am so sorry." She said with tears streaming down her face.

**So Richard and Ellis made a huge mistake...**


	4. There Until He Wasn't

Meredith rolled over slowly. She didn't open her eyes. She couldn't open her eyes. Her body hurt. Her head hurt. She just plain hurt. This was how it was most mornings. She would wake up slowly out of her tequila haze. She'd come back to the sad reality that awaited her. She laid there wishing it was one of those days. One of the days many years back, when she woke up next to him.

_Meredith slowly opened her eyes and stretched her arms. She could smell him. She didn't have to open her eyes. She knew he was there. That was the thing about Derek. She always knew he would be there. She slowly opened her eye and smiled as he looked into his blue eyes._

_"Good morning," Derek said as he leaned over and kissed her._

_"Good morning." She said as she leaned in and kissed him back. "You're up early." She said as he looked at the alarm clock next to their bed. "And you've brushed your teeth. Thank you!" _

_"You are very welcome." He said as he stroked her face, "I couldn't sleep..." He moaned as he looked into her bright green eyes. A smile formed as she began to giggle._

_"My snoring...right?" She said with a laugh. "You do realize you'll have to get used to that eventually, right? You get that?" She said with a grin._

_"Get used to a chain saw sleeping next to me?" He grumbled. "How does one get used to that?"_

_"Um, well they could tired themselves out the night before..." She said as she rolled on top of him and straddled him. He looked up into her eyes._

_"Well, I can't possibly see how we could tire ourselves out anymore than we did last night." He said as he felt his body reacting to hers._

_"I think we could. I just may have a few more tricks up my sleeve..." She giggled. "And if you have time, I just may show you a few right now..."_

She always know he would be there. Until he wasn't.

Meredith's frown only grew at the memory. It wasn't that it was a bad one. It was the end result. It was the fact that she was left all alone. It was that she had allowed herself to feel more deeply than she ever had, and she ended up getting hurt. She breathed in deeply as she thought about opening her eyes. Her nose smelled a familiar scent and her eyes opened like a flash.

"Mother!" She shouted as she jumped up. "What are you---" She said in shock as she stood up. Richard quickly came in from the other room. "You? What are you guys doing here?" She asked defensively.

"You didn't answer the phone." Ellis said as she approached her daughter.

"I didn't want to answer." Meredith said quickly.

"Or you were unconscious..." Ellis returned angrily.

Meredith looked into her eyes. There was a mixture of anger and fear. Almost reflecting her own. Richard looked at her with pure sadness. Like she was an injured animal. Like she was pathetic.

"I wasn't unconscious. I was just tired. I did fly across the country." Meredith said nastily. She shook her head. "I can not believe you broke into my home!" She said unbelieving.

"We didn't break in. We had a key." Ellis pointed out firmly.

"We were concerned." Richard said as he approached her. Meredith straightened up, partially from the stress, but more so from the pain. She had to adjust her body, to keep the pain from taking over.

"About what? I am fine!" She said loudly.

"Meredith you are hardly fine." Ellis pointed out. "Someone who drinks a bottle of tequila at night, is not fine!"

"Maybe the bottle wasn't full!" Meredith spat as she began to walk out.

"Oh, you know it was." Ellis said angrily.

"Meredith...We just don't want you to hurt yourself. We would never forgive ourselves." Richard said as he approached her. She quickly threw he arms up to stop him.

"So that's what you think this is? I'm some suicidal lunatic. Oh, maybe Mer will jump off the edge... Better lock the door, there is a balcony!" Meredith said, eyes ablaze.

"That's not what we're saying...You're just so..." Richard started.

"Depressed..." Ellis finished as she tried to approach her.

"I. Am. Fine!" She yelled as she started to walk out of her room.

"You are not fine." Ellis said as she grabbed her arm. "You are not, fine!" She said as she held her there. Meredith struggled against her grasp.

"Okay, fine! Are you fucking happy? I am not fine. Do you want to know why? Because I'm alive!" She yelled, tears forming in her eyes. "Because he left. He just left. And if I'd known that, I wouldn't be alive. I wouldn't have fought. I would have just..." She cried as she quickly walked to the bathroom. "Just leave! Go! It's too late for you to be parents. Don't worry, I won't hurt myself. That would just be too goddamn easy!" She yelled as he slammed the door.

Meredith walked into her large bathroom, and locked the door. She couldn't believe that they did that. That they stayed there. They baby sat her. It was too late. They couldn't walk in as if nothing happened. Objects didn't matter. Everything they had bought her, it didn't matter. All she needed was them, and they weren't there. And that was why Derek meant so much. He didn't have money. He couldn't buy her things. But he was there. And that was all that mattered.

She turned on the shower. She loved to shower. It washed everything away. You came out clean. You were supposed to. But she didn't. She remained the same. But it did allow an outlet for her tears. A place where sobs were drowned out. She looked into the full length mirror in the corner. The scars. She was damaged. Looking at herself, she was far from perfect. The wounds from her battle, were apparent. But the deep ones. The most painful ones. You couldn't see them. They were deep inside. They were in her heart.

She slid her back down the wall, sitting on the floor of her shower. She prayed they were gone. She prayed they had left. She would sit. She had time. She had a lifetime. No one was waiting on her.

_I can't open my eyes. I can't see. It hurts. Oh god...it hurts. I'm dying. I'm dead. I hear them, but I can't open my eyes. Oh my god. It hurts so bad. Oh...god. I can't take it. I can't take the pain. Make it stop, make it stop!_

_"It's okay, Mer..." She heard Derek say as he rubbed her hand. _

_Stop. That hurts. It's not okay. I'm not okay. Oh god...help me. Please, make it stop!_

_"I'm so sorry..." She heard him whisper into her ear. His hand rubbing hers. Little did she know that her hand was black and blue, but it was one of the only spots that wasn't bandaged._

_Derek, please, help me. Make them help. I can't take this. I can't do it. _

_"I have to leave. I am so sorry..." He muttered. She felt his lips touch hers. His warm, soft skin, offering some comfort._

_Why can't you hear me? Why are you leaving? Derek..._

She wasn't supposed to remember that. She wasn't supposed to remember anything. But she did. Bits and pieces. No timeline. She could only assume. And it didn't make sense. She remembered having no idea about dates and times. She had no idea when he said the things he said, or in what order they fell. Lately she remembered more and more. Not the event. She didn't remember that. Days before, yes. But not that day. And not until long after. They told her she was fortunate. But she wanted to know. Maybe it would help, maybe it would tell her why he did it. Why he left.

--------------

Derek looked down at his cellphone. It was vibrating. He knew who it was. It was her. She was worried. She always worried. He quickly unsnapped it from his pants and looked at the screen. Confirmation. Home. Funny. It wasn't his home. It was where he laid his head down at night. Not even that. He would rather sleep anywhere. His office. The car. The neurology library. His home. His house, was where his stuff stayed. Now that was the true description of home.

Derek wasn't going to answer the phone. She would ask him when he would be home. He wouldn't. He couldn't. He hated laying next to her. She was a good person. She was honest. And most importantly, she was innocent. She had fallen into a tangled web, and didn't even realize it. His secret. He wouldn't share it. It wasn't her fault. It was his. It was obligation. It was his whole family telling him that he had to move on. It wasn't healthy. And this is. Hiding from your wife. Unable to make love to her because the thought makes you sick. It wasn't healthy. And he was regretting it all.

Derek grabbed his book. Research. It was his goal. It was all he thought about. he had to know more. But then again, he had read it all. Nights upon nights pouring over every case file he could find. Trying to figure out what happened. It was tricky. There was no way of knowing what could happen. He knew that. He experienced it. It killed him. It really killed him. And now he encouraged people to not give up, but at the end of the day, it wasn't his choice, it was theirs. And in the end, back then, it wasn't his choice that time either.

Derek sat there in the quiet library, reading under the dim light. He was exhausted. He did this often. He works himself into the ground. Pushed. Pushed as hard as he could. Pushed himself into exhaustion, just to get some sleep. It wasn't long before the book slid out of his loose hands and fell to the floor.

And so it came, the same dream he always had.

_"DEREK!" He heard the shrill scream. It was Meredith. His Meredith. His only love. But why? Why was she screaming?_

_He heard the squealing tires. He wanted to turn his head. There was no time. Just a shot. No time to look. Just a peek. No time to stop. Just a glance. No time. But that is what saved him. He didn't know what was coming. The impact was unbelievable. The force in his body, immense. He heard the twisting metal. The shattering sound of a thousand mirrors breaking. He felt the car flip one, two, three times, four times... Everything went black._

_When he opened his eyes, it was red. Blood. Blood everywhere. The windshield was shattered, reminiscent to a spiderweb. A bloody spiderweb. The car was on it's side. the top was one with the floor now. He raised his arm slowly, the pain shooting through like a knife. The red was blood. it was in his chest, on his arms. But the blood wasn't his. It was hers._

_"Oh my god!" He screamed. There she was. She was twisted. She was broken. The blood was everywhere. Her blood was everywhere. She was lifeless. She was...gone. "Meredith!" He screamed. Then it happened. Movement. There was movement._

_"Oh..." She moaned quietly. He could hear the sirens. They were in the distance. He had to get her out. She had to get out. He could smell it. Gas. Heat. Fire. He could swear he smelled smoke. He struggled to free himself. He had to. He had to get help. Wiggling free from the wicked mess, he pulled his body out. The shooting pain in his arm more evident then ever._

_"Oh my god! Someone's getting out!" He heard someone yell. _

_"You fuckers why aren't you helping!" He screamed. His arm. It hurt. Oh god. The sirens neared._

_"The car's on fire!" Someone yelled. _

_Then panic hit. He tried. He tried to get the car open. It was too crushed. They neared. Louder. Closer. They ran. Men. Women. Running. They looked at him in shock._

_"Are you okay?" An officer asked._

_"She-- She's in there. My girlfriend, she's in there. Fire. Oh my god! Fire!" He yelled seeing the flames. _

_"We'll get her!" The officer said as he ran to the car. Derek joined him. They pushed him back. The firemen began spraying the car. The fire was out. Thank god. The fire was out. _

_"Oh man..." He heard an officer say. It was like a movie. Like this was their entertainment. But it was his life. Or the end of._

_"You have to get her out!" Derek screamed._

_"She's gotta be dead." Someone said carelessly as they peeked in._

_"She's alive! Help her!" He yelled as he lunged for the car. Once again, pushed back. The pain in his chest increased. His ribs. It was hard to breathe._

_"We have to cut her out. There's no way..." The fireman said as he looked in. They had no idea how to approach the complete mess of metal, fiberglass and glass._

_Derek watched. Piece by piece by piece. The small corvette. Her pride and joy. Her baby. The car that she guarded with her life, was now a mess. It was shattered. Broken. Just like her. Hours. It was hours. It felt like hours. Finally they were there. They pulled her out slowly. Like a rag doll. She flopped._

_"Man, she's a goner..." Someone muttered. The tears stung the cuts on Derek's face. Salt. Blood. She couldn't die. She couldn't. The gently laid her on the stretcher._

_"She has a pulse!" They yelled. Everyone gasped. How did the tiny girl make it? How was she not killed? Derek rushed over._

_"I need to go with her!" He yelled as he chased the stretcher to the ambulance. "I need to go. I love her..." He yelled. Pushed away._

_"We need the space." They said as the team climbed in._

_"We've lost the pulse!" They yelled. Rushing. _

_"I need to--" He started. A paramedic came up. "I need to--"_

_"Sir, you can't." She said as he put her hand on his back. "We need to check you out..." She said._

_"But I love her..." He said as he watched._

_"Sir, your arm..." She said as she looked down. It was dangling. Fractured. Badly fractured. Greenstick._

_"I'm fine." They were pulling away. He ran. He chased._

_"Sir. You need to go to the hospital." She said quickly._

_"I need to be with her," He said, pointing. _

_"Well take you, but you need medical attention." She said as she led him away._

_"She can't die! I love her..." Derek cried out._

Derek woke up drenched. Soaked. His clothes were wet. The sweat was cold. Nightly. It happened every night. The memories poured in. Haunting him. Killing him just a little more everyday. He prayed. Everyday he prayed he could go back. He wished it were him. But it wasn't. It wasn't him. It was her.

**So now you know a little bit more...**


	5. Fade to Black

Richard and Ellis were both gone when she came out of the shower. They should have been. She was in there for over an hour. Just sitting. Just crying. She couldn't believe them. They didn't trust her. They didn't even trust her with herself. She had taken care of herself for over thirty years. It was far too late for them to start. So there she sat, waiting for the peace. She needed peace. It never came. The water had long since ran cold as she had sat. But she didn't care. She didn't feel. Not anymore.

Meredith looked over at the clock. It was two in the afternoon. Had she eaten? No. Drank? No, not even coffee. She had done nothing. Climbed out of the shower. She was still in her robe, her hair now a tangled mess. She had sat on the sofa and stared at the wall. That's what she did. She just hoped she would just disappear into it, never to be seen again.

Two o'clock. She could go to the hospital. She needed to go to the hospital. Things needed to get squared away. She needed to look around. Get her tags. Fill out the paperwork. She was starting in less than a week. Then she would have her drive back. Then she could drown herself in her work. She could forget about her troubles. She walked into her room and grabbed a pair of jeans and tee-shirt. She threw them on and decided she needed to go. She needed to start somewhere. She grabbed her bottle of pills and threw a few back. It was time. But time to what? She did not know.

She sighed as she got into the car. A sedan. She didn't like it already. A BMW. She needed a truck. Hell a semi would be better. Something big. A monster truck maybe? Something to keep her safe. She couldn't remember the accident. Just what they had told her. Richard and Ellis, what they said. And they didn't really tell her anything. It was a miracle. They did say that. People don't survive that. A fiberglass car. Flipping countless times. You just don't survive. But she did. They both did.

"Can I help you?" The secretary asked as Meredith walked up to her desk.

"I'm here to see Dr. Bailey." Meredith said as she looked into the older woman's eyes.

"Your name?" The woman with the stern face asked. Meredith offered no smile. She didn't smile. Not to her. Not to anyone.

"Um, Grey. Meredith Grey." Meredith said quickly. She looked around. People were looking at her. Why? Why were people looking at her?

"She's waiting." The secretary said as she stared into Meredith's eyes. Meredith turned the handle and entered. Miranda quickly stood up and offered her hand.

"Miranda Bailey. You must be Dr. Grey." Meredith stuck her hand out and nodded.

"Yes. Nice to meet you." She said quickly. Miranda motioned for her to sit. She sat at looked around the office. She saw a family photo. They looked so happy. She was jealous. She wanted a family photo. She deserved a family photo.

_Meredith laid her head on Derek's chest. She always did this. Listened to his heartbeat. Listened to him breathe. She swore that on occasion, their heartbeats did actually beat as one. His scent filled her nostrils, causing a smile to form on her face._

_"Derek..." She said softly. _

_"Mmm?" He asked groggily. She hadn't thought he was sleeping, but apparently he had been._

_"Do you like kids?" She asked whispered._

_"Kids?" He asked with surprise._

_"Yeah." She said as she looked up at him. "Do you want kids?" She asked, trying to read his blue eyes._

_"Um. Oh my god! Are you?" He asked in a state of panic. "If you are...it's..."_

_"No! No, I'm not pregnant. I just, wondered..." She said, she watched him let out the breath that he had drawn in moments earlier. She looked up at him with worry. He looked at her expression._

_"Mer, I didn't. If you were pregnant, it would have been okay. I didn't mean it that way. I was just a little shocked." He explained as he looked into her eyes. "But yeah...Kids...yeah, I want kids. A family..." He said as he looked down at her with a smile. _

_"Me too. With you. I want kids with you. Not tomorrow. But eventually..." She said as she rubbed his chest._

_"We'll have kids. The white picket fence. The big house. The dog. We'll have it all." He said with a smile as he kissed her head.[/i_

Or not. Or you'll end up bitter and alone. You'll end up by yourself, drinking tequila to help fall asleep every night. In your cold bed, of course. Oh yeah, and then I will leave you right after I smash your body to pieces. Right after I make sure that you're in pain all day, everyday. I will haul ass out of here like I'm on fire. I'll be so happy I escaped that mess...

She did that. She got angry. Because when she didn't miss him, she hated him. She hated him in the deepest depth of her being. It was a deep dark hatred that wouldn't go away. And it was right down there with the deepest love she felt and would always feel.

"Dr. Grey?" Miranda asked for the third time.

"Yes?" Meredith asked as she snapped out of her daze.

"You..." Miranda said as she looked at her.

"Yeah, sorry..." Meredith said as she looked at her. "I just..."

"So I'm surprised that you didn't come here sooner." Miranda said, with slight surprise. "I'm surprised you didn't do your internship here."

"My mom was chief of surgery here before I started my internship. We didn't want any kind of trouble. She wants to keep it separate. But now that she's transferred, I am ready to work under the best cardio-thoracic surgeon in the country." Meredith explained quickly.

"Adrien de Gaulle is the best. We are very fortunate to have him in our service." Miranda said frankly. "And you, have come with wonderful references. Your work has been exemplary. So I would say that you two will be a winning combination here at Seattle Grace." She said with a smile. Meredith nodded her head in agreement.

"Well, I look forward to it." Meredith told her eagerly.

"Okay, you still need to see human services, correct?" She asked. Meredith nodded her head yes. "Well, I suppose I will see you on Monday then." Meredith stood up and shook her hand.

"Thank you." Meredith said before exiting her office.

So now it starts. Her new life in Seattle. But more importantly, her work. Because now she will be able to drown out the pain. Drown out the thoughts. And she prayed most of all, that she could drown him out.

--------------

Kristy sat there at the nurse's station. She looked over at Chief Bailey's office. She was the new resident. She just knew it. She knew all of the gossip at Seattle Grace Hospital. It was a quality she had that Derek's despised. He always told her, live and let live. Her response was always the same, they can live and let live but I want to know all about it. He would always roll his eyes and shake his head.

She watched the new resident talking to Carol, the secretary. She was pretty. She was just naturally beautiful. But there was something else about her. It was a sadness. A black cloud that followed her around. She could see the sadness in her eyes. She could see the depression, that surrounded her. It was sad. It was obvious. She was a tortured soul.

"Hey, Kris..." Another nurse said as she walked up to the new station. "What's going on?"

"I think that's the new fifth year resident there." She said as she pointed to Meredith.

"She looks young." Sara said as she glanced over

"Yeah, she does. She doesn't look old enough to be a fifth year." Kristy said as she eyed her.

"So that's Ellis Grey's daughter?" Sara asked as looked at Kristy.

"I think so." Kristy said. "She kind of looks like her."

"Like a bitch?" Sara laughed. "Ellis Grey is horrible."

"Yeah, she is." Kristy agreed. "But her...she doesn't seem like a bitch. Just sad."

"Sad?" Sara laughed as she looked over. "You can tell she's sad form here?"

"You can't?" Kristy asked. She watched as Meredith disappeared into Bailey's office.

"Nope..." Sara said as she sat the chart down. "Oh yeah...Are you having lunch with your husband?"

"I wasn't planning on it." Kristy said as she looked at the clock on the wall.

"Oh, he's here on a consult. I just figured..." Sara said as she went to walk away.

"Oh...oh yeah. I forgot." She lied.

She lied right to her face. They couldn't know. Not her friends, not her colleagues. They couldn't know that her husband doesn't love her. That she tried to talk to him and he won't listen. That he hides away. That he sleeps anywhere but the bed they shared. She couldn't tell them. They would say it was a mess. That it was over. And then she would have to admit it herself.

Kristy picked up the phone. She knew better than to use her cellphone. Or the home phone for that matter. He wouldn't answer if he knew it was her. She she dialed his phone. She needed to see him. She needed to know that he was still alive.

"Hello?" She heard him answer. He sounded slightly irritated.

"Hey!" She said happily. Shit. It was her. And she was happy. And bubbly. No one should be that happy.

"Oh. Hey." He said with a vast amount of disappointment apparent in his tone.

"So, I hear your in the hospital..." She said quickly.

"Um. I was just leaving, actually." He lied. He always lied to her.

"Oh. I thought you were waiting for the test results for Mr. Irving." She said, catching him in his lie.

"Well, yeah. I'm leaving after that." Derek returned quickly. Damn her. She just had to be a nurse. A gossiping nurse.

"So I was thinking, lunch?" She asked with a hopeful tone.

"I'm not really hungry..." Derek offered as he looked at the wall.

"Derek." She said, disappointment obvious in her voice. "I'm on my way to the lab."

"Alright." He told her as he hung up the phone. I must remember that number. She smiled as she neared him.

"How are you?" She asked as she pecked him on the cheek.

"Fine." He said with a grumble. She smiled as she led him to the elevator.

"So, my sister is pissed." Kristy said as they made their way to the back of the elevator.

"Oh..." He mumbled as he looked at the door.

"Yeah. My niece is going out with some older guy. She's seventeen! He's like Twenty seven!" Kristy said quickly. Derek saw a group of people file in. Meredith the very last, squeezing in.

"So..." Derek said frankly. Big deal. Then it hit him. The scent. Lavender. It was definitely lavender. And not just any lavender. Her. He smelled her. The sweet scent lingered, wafting into his nose. It enveloped his soul, ensnared his senses. It was like coming home.

_"I love scary movies!" Meredith said as she snuggled into Derek's side._

_"I love scary movies too..." Derek said with a dirty grin and he looked over at her._

_"Only because it gets me closer to you." She giggled as she nuzzled against him._

_"Maybe." He said as he kissed her on the head. She looked up at him, pressing her lips against his._

_"I love you." She muttered as he pulled away and pulled him closer._

_"I love you too." He said as he leaned back, pulling her against him_

_Derek looked down at her. She was everything to him. They were together a short amount of time. Everyone said he was crazy. Mark said he was playing with fire. Mark said she was far too hot for him. Addison, she said it was sweet. But she also said it was dangerous. She was too free spirited. She was too much. She would stray. But Derek knew better. Derek knew that she was his forever. How did he know? He just knew._

_Meredith gasped as she heard the garage door open. They never came home. Ever. She has Derek over for the fifth time ever and they show up. She didn't want it like this. She didn't want them to meet him._

_"Shit!" She said quickly as she straightened up. Derek looked at her with confusion._

_"Meredith. Oh! I didn't realized we had company." Richard said as he looked at the both of them._

_"What the hell is this?" Ellis spat as she looked at them both._

_"Mom, this is Derek. My er...um, friend." She stammered. Derek gave her a hurtful look._

_"Derek Shepherd." He introduced himself as he shook Richard's hand. She went to shake Ellis' and was met with a glare._

_"Your friend? Interesting... He looks a lot like the friend that I caught you in bed with a few weeks ago. Some friend. Must be a close friend?" Ellis asked with raised eyebrows._

_"Fine. He's my boyfriend." Meredith admitted._

_"And how old are you?" Ellis asked as she got closer to him._

_"Twenty-four." Derek said as he looked into the woman's eyes. She was powerful. He could tell that she was used to people backing down._

_"Twenty-four. Interesting..." She said as she shook her head. "Have you ever heard of statutory rape?" She asked. Derek looked shocked. _

_"Ellis!" Richard shouted as he looked at her._

_"Statutory rape?" Derek asked in shock._

_"It's not, mom!" Meredith yelled. "It's sixteen. You have to be sixteen or younger!" Meredith yelled. Derek looked over her with worry. He was feeling deceived._

_"You look surprised. Now how old do you think she is?" Ellis asked as she looked at him._

_"Twenty-one?" He asked. And that was what he honestly thought. She showed the bartender her id. How stupid. It was a fake, you idiot._

_"Hmm... Seventeen!" Ellis screamed. "Seventeen! She is a child. Do you like taking advantage of children?"_

_"Ellis!" Richard said once again. "Stop!"_

_"I love him, Mom!" Meredith pleaded as she looked between them all._

_"Sure you do... You don't even know what love is." Ellis spat._

_"I do." Meredith told her._

_"I don't want you seeing my daughter!" Ellis said angrily. _

_"Ellis, I have a say in this too." Richard said as he grabbed her arm. "She is my daughter too!" He said with a glare._

_"Fine." Ellis spat as she stormed into the kitchen, Richard trailing behind._

_Derek looked at Meredith. Her eyes were pleading with him. But he was mad. How could she do this to him? She deceived him. She had to have known that he had no idea how old she was. Maybe Mark was right. She was too young. Mark would know, he's been through enough girls. Deception. How could she? _

_"Derek..." Meredith said as she placed her hand on his arm._

_"No, Mer." He said as he pushed it away. "You're just a kid." He watched as her eyes welled up. _

_"Derek..." She cried. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't do this. He couldn't risk it. He was asking for trouble. He finally heard the yelling stop. Ellis and Richard reappeared._

_"Fine." Ellis snapped. "But I am not picking up the pieces." She said as she walked away._

_"How could you? You're never around." Meredith snapped. Derek looked at the fire in her eyes as she stared her mother down. Daring to challenge her. Ellis walked away._

_"I have to go." Derek said quickly as he stood up. He nodded to Richard. _

_"Derek...wait!:" She said as she chased him to the door. _

_"Goodbye, Mer." He said before walking out the front door. He looked back into the lit up house as he walked down the sidewalk. There she was collapsed against her dad, crying._

The scent disappeared, along with the memory. Derek looked over at Kristy with a frown. She wasn't supposed to be by his side. Who the hell did she think she was? Meredith was supposed to be there. Holding his hand. Holding his children. Her messy, quirky self. Not Kristy. She couldn't be here. She couldn't take her place.

"I can't believe you said 'so'." She snapped as they walked to the cafeteria. He looked at her with confusion. He quickly remembered what they were talking about.

"Age doesn't matter. If you love someone, it just doesn't matter." He mumbled sadly. She just stared at him, wondering what the hell he was thinking.

_----------------_

Meredith walked out of her bedroom in a fresh pair of jeans and a clean top. She didn't really want to go. She wanted to stay home. With Jose, she loved Jose. A new bottle every night, and if she came home alone, it was a consequence free. She grabbed her purse off of the table and moaned. She had absolutely no idea why she agreed to do this.

She drove slowly down the streets of Seattle. It was a fairly short drive. She didn't know her way, but the streets were fairly simple. She pulled up to the gates of the gated community community that her mother and Richard now resided in. Richard like to have the best. Not necessarily the most expensive, but the best. She pulled into the long drive and up to the large brick home. It was exactly what she had expected. The perfectly manicured lawn. The beautiful flowers in the front. The shrubberies in pots by the door. Perfection. Just as her childhood home was. Too bad they were never around to enjoy it as she was.

"Meredith." Richard said as he opened the door. "You don't know how happy we are that you made it. You're mother...she doesn't say it, but she's missed you." He whispered as he pulled her into a warm hug.

"The house is-" Meredith started as she looked around at the white carpeting and marble floors.

"Big, I know." He said, knowing how she would finish. "But we like it."

"I guess that's all that matters." Meredith said.

She followed him into what she assumed was the kitchen. There stood her mother, with an apron. It was laughable. Ellis Grey, cooking. Meredith experienced it once in a great while when she was a child. And amazingly enough, the food was always edible. Meredith could smell the string scent of garlic. Pot roast. Her mom had definitely made pot roast.

"Meredith." Ellis said with a faint smile as she looked up at her daughter.

"Hey, Mom." Meredith said as she looked at her. "Do you need help?" She asked. She didn't want to help. In fact, she didn't want to be here.

"No, I think I'm fine. It's almost done." Ellis said as she looked up, and then back down at the food.

"So how have you been feeling?" Richard asked as he gave her a look of total pity.

"Fine." Meredith answered. There was no emotion attached. There rarely was, with anything she said.

"That's good. And the apartment? How about the car?" Richard asked as he looked over at the stove that Ellis was opening.

"It's fine. They're fine." The car. She had to get out. It was too much... "I need to use the restroom." Meredith muttered like a kindergartner, asking a teacher.

"Through the living room and down the hallway." Richard said warmly as he pointed.

She nodded and walked away. She looked around the house as she walked through. She was really not enjoying this. An uneasy feeling kept bubbling up from deep inside of her. She didn't like that change. She didn't feel right about any of this. Maybe coming to Seattle was a mistake. Maybe she was better of doing what she was. Going to Riverside Hospital, coming home, drinking, sleeping and doing it all over again. And now, she's here. Uneasy. But why, she had no idea.

She slowly walked back from the bathroom. She looked into the rooms as she walked by. She caught a glimpse of what she assumed was Richard's study. It looked eerily familiar to the one when she was a child. She spent a lot of time sitting in that chair at that very same desk. After Thatcher left, she clung to Richard for dear life. Meredith walked in and glanced around. Something caught her eye. It was an old photo album. She grabbed it and sat behind the big mahogany desk.

Her face remained as stone as she flipped through the pages of her childhood. Richard helping her on her bike. Ellis dressing her in a snow suit. Richard throwing the softball. She didn't really remember those good memories. She just remembered being alone. Then she flipped it to the second to last page. It was was like rush. She was sick. There she was. Her sixteenth birthday.

_The party was huge. All of her friends had been there. It was the party of the year. It was like that every year. Ellis and Richard always made sure it was huge. Richard always felt that he needed to make things better because of Thatcher's absence. The party had since ended, the pool water was calm, and there she sat, opening the gifts from her parents, a tradition since she was a child._

_"So?" Meredith asked with a smirk as she placed the last of her gifts on the table in front of her. _

_"So, what?" Richard said with a smirk, knowing what she was inquiring about._

_"Well, I am sixteen..." Meredith said with a smile. She was hoping for a car. But not just any car. The car. _

_"And?" Richard teased as he looked into her hopeful eyes._

_"She actually thinks you got her a car!" Ellis joked. "Honey, we didn't get you a car." She told her, Ellis, herself believing it._

_"There is one more gift." Richard said as he nodded his head towards the garage._

_"What?" Ellis asked as she looked at him. _

_Meredith's face lit up as she followed him. She followed closely behind him, praying it was what she thought it was. Richard opened the side garage door, and walked in. Meredith gasped as she saw it. The car. The 1957 Corvette. Venetian red. White coves. Red interior. Mint._

_"Oh my god!" She yelled as she threw her arms around him. He smiled as she squeezed him tightly._

_"Richard you didn't..." Ellis said with a frown. He nodded his head, confirming that in fact, he did._

_"It's amazing!" Meredith said as she ran around inspecting the car,_

_"You ready to take it for a spin?" He asked with raised eyebrows._

_"Ready? Are you kidding?" She asked as she jumped into the driver's seat. Richard climbed in, just as happy as she was. _

_"Do you like it?" He asked with a smile._

_"I love it!" She exclaimed as she looked at him. His heart had never felt more full of love as he looked at his little girl, so happy. She fired up the engine and backed out of the driveway. Richard looked over at her once again. She was growing up fast, and he knew he was going to miss her when she was gone.[/i_

"I'm sorry, Meredith." Richard said as he looked down at the photo. He had been standing behind her. She gasped, she hadn't even heard him come in. "Maybe if it hadn't been that car... Maybe you would be happy..." He muttered sadly. "I shouldn't have bought the car..." He said with a tear sliding down his cheek.

"It wasn't the car. It's not the accident." She said as a tear ran down her cheek. It was him. She quickly flipped to the last page and gasped. There they were. It was a candid shot of she and Derek. His blue eyes pierced her like a knife. They were in each other's arms, laying in the hammock, looking at each other.

"I took that the day you two were in the hammock. You two looked so happy..." He muttered as he looked at the photo.

[i"_I'm so sorry, Derek." Meredith said as she looked up at Derek as she laid in his arms. "I didn't...I knew that you didn't know. I was afraid to tell you. I should have told you how old I am." She said as she looked into his blue eyes._

_"I just...I left here so mad. I couldn't believe you didn't tell me. I was done. We were done. But I couldn't get your face out of my head. I couldn't get you out of my head. I laid in bed last night, and you were all I saw. I love you. I can't stop it. I can't make it go away. You...you're my one and only. Forever. You and I. It doesn't matter how old you are." Derek said happily as he pulled her close and kissed her._

_"I love you so much, it scares me to death." Meredith admitted, making herself more vulnerable than she ever had._

_"It doesn't scare me... It goes away... The fear... Just go with it...that's what I did. I just...I can't help but love you. Even if you are a spoiled brat!" He joked._

_"Hey!" She said as she smacked him on the arm. "I am not!"_

_"You are...sorry." He said with a grin. "But I love you anyway. Forever."_

_"Promise." She asked as she nuzzled against him._

_"I promise." He agreed as he looked down and kissed her softly._

"I-- I can't!" Meredith cried out as she flipped the photo album shut. She pushed the chair back, causing it to hit the wall with a crack. She flung the front door open and jumped into the car, not stopping until she pulled into her parking space.

**Life it seems, will fade away**

**Drifting further every day**

**Getting lost within myself**

**Nothing matters no one else**

Derek sat back in his chair. His office was the only comfort he had. He opened up his top drawer. It was the one that was locked. The one that no one ever saw. The one that he held the key to at all times. He pulled out her photos. The ones that he had taken from their apartment. The things that meant more to him than money or anything else. The ones that he had copies made of and kept in a lock box. They were his prized possession.

"God I miss you." He muttered as he ran his hand over her face.

**I have lost the will to live**

**Simply nothing more to give**

**There is nothing more for me**

**Need the end to set me free**

Meredith cried as she laid her head on the steering wheel. She couldn't pull herself out of the car. Not at that moment. She had to just be. She hadn't been able to open the envelope. To see his face. See the pictures. To read the little notes she had saved. But she ended up seeing him. It had been years since she had looked at his face. It was a shock. It was too much. She couldn't see him. She couldn't look at those eyes.

**Things are not what they used to be**

**Missing one inside of me**

**Deathly lost, this can't be real**

**Cannot stand this hell I feel**

Derek grabbed the bottle of single malt scotch. It was a habit he had picked up. It was what his father had drank. It was what he started drinking on the lonely nights. He missed her. He wanted to be with her. He just couldn't. He didn't have the nerve. He had thought about it countless times. It would be so easy. To join her. To be with her. To see her again.

**Emptiness is filing me**

**To the point of agony**

**Growing darkness taking dawn**

**I was me, but now He's gone**

Meredith stumbled into her living room, the bottle of tequila clutched firmly in her hand. Everyone thought she was crazy. She needed to get over it. That's all she ever heard. And yet she couldn't. He left her. But she couldn't let go. It was that love. It was so deep inside. So strong. No one could stop it. She couldn't. She could. She could end it all. Quickly, painlessly. Or slowly, and painfully. She could stop the hurt. She could. She looked down at the bottle of pain relievers on the table.

**No one but me can save myself, but it to late**

**Now I can't think, think why I should even try**

Derek laid his head down the desk. Tears fell heavily from his eyes and his body shook. So long. But he could feel her like yesterday. He would do anything to go back. Anything.

"Why did you have to leave me?" He cried out.

So easy. He could do it. But he won't. He deserves to suffer. And he will.

**Yesterday seems as though it never existed**

**Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye**

Meredith collapsed into the fetal position on the sofa. She wasn't sure what was stronger, her hatred or her love. She wondered what he was doing now. Was he happy? Deep inside, she hoped he wasn't. She knew that wasn't right. She should love him enough to let him go. But she loved him so deeply she needed him. How could he stop? How could he not need her?

"I hate you!" She screamed loudly as she laid there.

God how easy it would be. Just to end it all.


	6. Old Friends

Meredith took one last glance in the mirror. Today was her first day at Seattle Grace. Her first day at her new job. A new outlet for everything she had been feeling. A new distraction. She was going to get her own interns. She was going to have her own nobody's to boss around. She sighed as she pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear and walked into the living room, grabbing her bag.

Meredith pulled into the parking lot and looked around. She would be doing doing this regularly. It was somewhat comforting to be in a routine. It made her feel as if life was somewhat worth living. Meredith walked into the resident's locker room. There were a few doctors already in there, changing into their scrubs and starting their days. She walked to the back corner to her locker. She was happy to be in the back. She was happy to be tucked away. Forgotten.

"Have you seen my interns?" She asked as she walked up to the nurse's station.

"Their most likely still in the locker room. They tend to be a little timid on their first days." Kristy said with a warm smile.

"So I have a group of dumb ones?" Meredith asked with a sigh.

"You never can tell." Kristy said as she watched Meredith storm away.

"Carter, Pierce, Daniels, Mather, Eastman." Meredith shouted loudly over the loud conversation that was going on. He looked down at her chart. "Maybe I can't read?" She yelled. "Carter! Pierce! Daniels! Mather! Eastman!" She yelled again. She watched as four interns quickly headed her way. "So apparently I can read." She muttered loudly.

She looked at their tags. Daniel Carter was the good looking one. Sandy brown hair, a baby face. Ellen Pierce was the over achiever. Everything about her was perfect. Her blond hair was up perfectly, her makeup was flawless. Kent Mather was trouble maker. Just a little too cocky. She would have to really watch him. Jacob Weathers was the smart one. The one that no one probably talked to in med school, because they had no idea what planet he was on.

"Where the hell is Eastman?" Meredith snapped as she counted her interns one more time.

"Um...um..." Dr. Pierce said as she looked over.

"Surgeons don't say um. We know what we want to say. We are concise. We are perfect. What is it?" Meredith shouted causing all of her interns plus several others to look at her.

"She's sick. In the bathroom." Dr. Pierce said as she pointed over to the restroom.

"Get her. We will be in the hallway." Meredith said as she turned on her heel.

"But.." Dr. Pierce said as she watched them go. Meredith and the interns continued to walk out.

"Okay. Hopefully the rest of your colleagues will soon join us. I'm sure yo don't want to experience the torture on your own." Meredith said quickly.

"Funny!" Dr. Weathers said with a laugh.

"Do I look like I'm laughing?" She asked as she stared him down.

"Um, no." He returned as he dropped his head. "Sorry, ma'am."

"It's Dr. Grey." Meredith clarified as she looked at all of them. She watched her interns file out of the locker room. "How nice of you to join us, Dr. Eastman." Meredith said as she looked at the tiny redhead.

"I'm sorry...I-" She started.

"No time for excuses. This is my first day as well as yours. So we will figure this out together. I have a few rules... Don't argue with me. It does you no good, I always win. Don't embarrass me. You should have some idea what you are doing and I don't need any stupid questions. You guys are nothings. You're so damn low on the surgical food-chain, we can't even see you, remember that. Assignments..." Meredith said as she looked down at her papers.

"Pierce, you're in the pit. Lots of sutures for you down there. Mather, you go with her. Weathers, you are with Dr. Main in OB. Eastman, you're doing rectals. And Carter, you are with me." Meredith said as she walked off.

"Dr. Grey!" Dena eastman shouted as she ran up.

"Yes?" Meredith asked as she continued walking.

"Rectals?" Dena asked as she continued to follow.

"Yes?" Meredith asked as she turned down the hallway.

"Why?" Dena asked loudly with a huff.

"Because they need to get done. Now et out of my face." She said as she walked off to look for her attending.

"That was harsh." Danny said as he looked over at her with a grin.

"I am harsh." Meredith muttered as she continued on.

Danny Carter followed Meredith down the hallway like a puppy dog. She could tell he wanted to talk. His mouth kept opening, but words weren't coming out. He looked like a fish as he mouth would open and then shut.

"Would you like to say something, Dr. Carter?" Meredith asked as she glanced over.

"What are we doing?" He asked.

"We are looking for Dr. de Gaulle." She said as she walked down the hall to a patient's room.

She saw the man standing there. She had heard him speak at conferences. She had seen him in magazines, and there he was. In front of her. His black hair was lightly speckled with grey. His light blue eyes were harsh. His face like stone. He was good looking for an older man. He had a way about him. A confidence that radiated.

"Dr. de Gaulle?" Meredith asked as she walked up to him.

"Yes?" He asked as he glanced up from his chart.

"Dr. Grey." She said as she stuck her hand out.

"My fifth year?" He asked as he looked up. She nodded her head. "Good. I need your intern to run a complete work up on Mr. Jones here." He said as he handed her the chart. And when he's done, you and I will be scrubbing in on an aortic repair."

"You heard him." Meredith said as she shoved the chart over to Danny.

"Can I scrub in?" He asked as he looked up at her.

"Do you think you can scrub in?" Meredith asked as she glance over at him.

"Um...yeah." He said with a hopeful look.

"Didn't I tell you that surgeons don't say um?" She asked quickly.

"Um, I mean. Yes. Yes you did say that." Danny said with a nod.

"No. You are not scrubbing in. This is your first day. The closest you will get to an OR is the gallery. And you will be lucky if you do that. Now go!" She yelled. He quickly spun around and ran off.

"Nicely played." Adrien said as he looked up at her.

"I have some charts to look over. I'll page you when the results are in." Meredith said as she walked off, leaving the doctor staring.

Meredith walked into the scrub room and began washing her hands, running the brush under her fingernails. She needed this. She needed this surgery. She needed to focus on something. She had to be in the mode. She had to be in the surgery mode where she heard, and saw nothing other than work.

"Dr. Grey." Adrien said with a nod. She nodded back.

He was meticulous. He was the best. Everyone knew he was the best. That was why she came to Seattle. Ellis discouraged her. She said Seattle wasn't where she wanted to be. But why? Meredith could never figure out why. What was the difference? Did Ellis not want her to succeed?

Meredith watched as Adrien performed the surgery while she retracted. She wasn't surprised. He generally didn't allow a resident to perform anything until they had been under his wing for sometime. He had very high standards. He wanted the best, and he expected the best. Meredith watched as he did his last stitch on the aorta.

"Will you close?" He asked as he glanced up at her.

"Of course." She said as she looked up and grabbed her instruments. He watched as she made perfect, precise stitches. Perfect. In a row. Tight. When she did the last stitch she watched Adrien walk into the scrub room. She nodded as she pulled off her gloves and mask and walked in.

"You have a nice hand." He muttered as he glanced over.

"Thanks." She returned as she finished scrubbing.

"I have to say, I am impressed." He said as he dried his hand and watched her.

"Why is that?" Meredith asked as she grabbed paper towels.

"You haven't mentioned your mother. The great Ellis Grey. I was expecting you to bring it up, to use it to your advantage..." He said as he looked into her eyes.

"Why would I? I'm not her. Just because she is great, doesn't mean I will be." Meredith said as she opened the door.

"And that would have been my exact answer had you said it." He returned frankly. She quickly nodded and walked out. She was starving. She had to eat. She had already been at the hospital forever and she was feeling like she needed some fresh air. She grabbed a sandwich and headed outside.

"Hey." Kristy said as she walked up.

"Hi..." Meredith muttered as she glanced up. She sat alone. She had sat alone for a reason.

"I'm Kristy. You're the new fifth year, Grey, right?" She asked as he sat down. Meredith nodded as she watched her sit down. Why are you sitting here?

"You looked like you needed someone." Kristy told her softly.

"I was okay, actually." Meredith muttered frankly.

"Oh." Kristy said as she took a bite of her salad. "My husband hates me." Kristy said with a frown.

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked over.

"I can't tell anyone. I just- He hates me." She said with a sigh. "God it feels great to say it out loud."

"Oh." Meredith answered. She was actually relieved. Someone who wasn't talking about her. Asking how she was.

"You know they're calling you resident bitch, right?" Kristy said with a chuckle.

"That's me?" Meredith said with a chuckle. "I thought so."

"Uh huh." Kristy said with a chuckle. "Are you?"

"Pretty much." Meredith said with a nod.

"At least you're honest." Kristy said with a smile and shrug.

"That I am." Meredith agreed.

"So how do you like it here." Kristy asked.

"It's better than being home." Meredith said frankly.

"I have to agree with you there..." Kristy said with a laugh. She didn't know why, but she was drawn to Meredith. She just seemed so damaged. And that was Kristy's niche. She was a fixer.

-----------------

"That was textbook." The resident said as Derek closed up his patient.

The gallery was packed. Everyone wanted to hear what kind of nasty comments Derek Shepherd was going to make today. He never failed in making his colleagues feel just a little worse about themselves.

"A routine craniotomy." He muttered as he began he perfect stitches.

"Well it was-- Thank you for allowing me to scrub in." The resident said with a smile.

No one wanted to work with Derek Shepherd. He was rude, and unfriendly. He was unbelievably talented, but you had to have an extra thick skin to handle him. And he didn't like interns. He didn't like residents. He didn't like anyone. Chris was the only intern that requested to be with Dr. Shepherd and it was only because he was pursuing a career in neurology.

"Yep." Derek said quickly as he nodded his head. He pulled off his gear and headed to the scrub room.

"Would you like to go out for a drink?" Chris asked, trying to be friendly to his superior.

"You realize you are just a third year, right?" Derek asked with raised brows.

"Sorry, Sir." Chris said apologetically as he washed his hands. "You just look like you need a friend."

"I don't need a friend." Derek said as he grabbed paper towels and dried his hands. "And I don't drink in bars." Derek muttered as he opened the door and walked out.

Derek marched down the hallway of Mercy West as he always does, people scurrying out of the way like mice. He stopped by the nurse's station and grabbed a few charts, scribbling on them. Reading them. He was praying for more cases. A heavier workload. Something to distract him. A reason to not go home.

"Derek?" A familiar voice asked. He knew the voice, it just didn't click.

"I'm busy." Derek said without looking up from his chart. He didn't care who it was. No one mattered anymore.

"Well aren't you Mr. Pleasant?" She scorned. "So busy, huh? Too busy for an old friend?" She asked as she stepped up. Derek heard the designer heels clicking loudly.

"Addie!" He said in shock as he looked up. "I didn't--"

"Sure." She said with a faint smile. She quickly wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a hug. Derek couldn't remember the last time he had been hugged. "Wow, you're in Seattle? It's a small world..."

"Yeah. And you?" Derek asked quickly as he looked at her. She was older, but still the same.

"For about three years. Head of Obstetrics at Seattle Presbyterian." She told him with a smile. "And I bet you're head of Cardio?" He asked with a knowing grin.

"Neurology." He said simply.

"Neurology? You were cardio. You always wanted to be a cardio thoracic surgeon." Addison said with a look of shock.

"Well..." Derek said sadly. Hid face dropped. He went numb. She looked at his face.

"Oh." Addison returned with a frown. She knew. She knew why. "So how are you?" She asked with a tilt of her head.

"I'm... I'm surviving." He said simply. His eyes were dark. She looked down at the ring on his finger.

"So I see you've finally moved on." She said with a faint smile as she looked down at his ring finger.

"Moved on, no. I've moved. Just not on." He returned coldly. The thought of Kristy...it just didn't sit right. Married. He didn't even think of her as his wife. She was just a person. The unfortunate soul who ended up living under the same roof.

"Derek, she's in a better place." Addison said as she rubbed his back.

"No! No she isn't. She should be here. She should be here with me!" He returned with a glare, and then dropped his head. "Don't talk about her."

"I'm sorry. It's... It's been so long. I didn't think it would bother you." She answered apologetically.

"It's-- I'm sorry. I just... I can't..." He stammered as he looked at her. "I can't."

"Listen, I have to go. But please, keep in touch. Here's my number. Derek, please call me. It's been so long. Things are- I'm sorry." She said with a frown.

"Bye, Addie." He said as he looked back down at his chart.

Addison walked away with a frown on her face. He was a different man. The smile. The famous smile that he had. Gone. His hair, not what it once was. His blue eyes. Cold. Distant. She couldn't help but think back to the way he once was. When he was truly happy.

_[i"Mark? Derek? Anyone home?" Addison shouted as she walked into the apartment they shared. She saw the light on, and Derek's keys on the table. "My day was from hell. I swear that freaking professor is torturing me." She said casually as she walked into the living room. "Oh!" She said in shock as she looked at Derek on top of a girl on the sofa._

_"Oh! Addie." Derek said as he sat up. Meredith's eyes got wide as she sat straight up on the sofa._

_"I didn't realize we had company." Addison said as she looked at the pair. Addison looked at the girl. She was young. Very young. Pretty in a simple way._

_"Addison, this is my girlfriend, Meredith. Meredith, this is my friend and room mate, Addison." Derek said as he looked between the two women._

_"Hi, Meredith." Addison said with a faint smile._

_"Hi." Meredith said meekly. _

_She felt outmatched. Addison was a knock out. She was beautiful. She had class. Her red hair was laying perfectly. Her nails were perfectly manicured. Meredith could tell that there was no attraction between the two. But she still felt inferior. If Derek was surrounded by Addison, why would he want her?_

_"Is Meredith staying for dinner?" Addison asked as she looked at Derek._

_"Um. Well, we were thinking about ordering pizza." Derek said as he looked over at Meredith._

_"Oh. Okay. Well that sounds good. Are you hanging out for the night?" Addison asked with a smile._

_"We haven't really talked about it." Meredith said nervously. She hated being put on the spot. Addison watched her fidget. She was nervous._

_"Yeah. She's definitely staying." Derek said as he pulled her close and kissed her._

_"I guess I'm staying!" Meredith said with a grin._

_"Yes you are." Derek said as he kissed her again. Addison walked into the kitchen._

_"Derek? Have you seen my kelp?" Addison asked from the kitchen._

_"Your kelp? It's in the cupboard." Derek shouted back as he pulled Meredith over._

_"Nope. I need you to look." She said loudly from the kitchen. She had to talk to him about this._

_"Fine." He said with a huff as he gave Meredith an apologetic look. He walked into the kitchen, dragging his feet. "It's right there." He told her loudly._

_"No it's not!" She said as she gave him a look. The look. "What the hell are you doing?" She whispered into his ear._

_"What?" He asked her with confusion. He watched her face turn to stone._

_"She's way too young, Derek." Addison told him with a frown._

_"She isn't." Derek argued as he glanced toward the living room._

_"How old is she?" Addison asked with raised brows._

_"Seventeen. Almost eighteen." Derek said quickly. He knew how she would feel about this._

_"Oh, god. Derek... She's just a kid. She doesn't know what she wants." Addison argued._

_"She's... She's different, Addie. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's so free and refreshing. She's... I know it sounds crazy... But she's the love of my life..." He said with a grin._

_Addison looked at his face. She had never seen him so happy. He had stars in his eyes. His face looked so relaxed. His body language was at ease. She had just never seen him look so happy in all the years she had known him._

_"You love her..." Addison said with a smile._

_"I do. I really do." He said as he shook his head._

_"I just hope she doesn't hurt you..." Addison said as she rubbed his back and they walked back into the living room.[/i_

She wished she hadn't been right. Meredith hurt him. She hurt him more deeply than anyone could. She couldn't believe the way he was now. All the years that had gone by, and his pain hadn't faded. He was just as broken as he was when he found out. When he didn't have the choice. Something was missing from the depth of his being. A piece of Derek, the piece that he needed to feel alive, was gone. When Meredith left, she took him with her, leaving a shell. Leaving a ghost.

**So apparently the alerts are down... Review if you get a chance!**


	7. So Close

"Dr. de Gaulle, you paged?" Meredith asked as she ran up to Adrien in the hallway.

"Yes I did. How did the valve repair go?" He asked as he looked up over his chart at her.

"Good. No problems." She muttered as she looked off into the distance. "So, did you need something?" She asked with a what-the-hell-do-you-want look on her face.

"Yes. I need to you to go to Mercy-West. I need to to pick up a heart." He said as he looked her in the eyes. "We have a transplant scheduled. I'm going to prep the patient and have him on the table. I need you to get in there, get the heart and hurry your ass back here. Can you do that?" He asked, as if she couldn't. As if he doubted her.

"Of course." She said with a nod.

"Dr. Saiko will be removing the heart from the donor. She's good. But she's not me. Don't take any crap from her." Adrien said in his french accent. "I am the only surgeon you need to worry about respecting around here." Meredith nodded in understanding.

"Okay, sir. I will grab an intern and be back." She explained as she walked away. She quickly walked to the nurse's station, seeing Kristy. "I need you to page one of my interns. Make it Dr. Mather." She said quickly.

"No problem." Kristy Samson answered as she got on the phone. "So how are you today?" She asked with a smile.

"Fine." Meredith said in her usual drab tone.

"The other nurses and I are going to Joe's for drinks later. You wanna come?" She asked with a hopeful grin.

"Oh. I don't think so." Meredith brushed her off. "I have a lot to do." She said as she began to walk off. She jogged downstairs and found Dr. Mather standing there looking confused.

"What are we doing?" He asked with confusion as he looked around.

"Getting a heart." She said as she climbed into the back of the bus. He stood there and looked at her. "Come on!" She yelled loudly, causing him to jump. He quickly climbed into the back with her.

"So..." He said, attempting to make conversation with her. "Where are we going?"

"Mercy-West." She said simply as she sat there.

"So where were you before you came here?" He asked her as he looked into her green eyes. He wanted to make conversation. He wanted to break her.

"I don't see how that's any of your business..." Meredith replied frankly.

"Sarcasm. I find it sexy." He told her with a big grin.

"I'd like to know how you deem that appropriate conversation with your boss." Meredith said quickly.

"I state facts. I know sexy when I see it. You're sexy." He said with a shrug.

"Yes. And I am also resident bitch, so I guess you're out of luck." Meredith said nastily.

"You say that now..." He muttered with a grin.

"You do realize that I have the authority to make you do rectals for a month, right?" She snapped. He looked up at her and then quickly at the floor. "That's what I thought..." She said as she looked out the back window.

Meredith was ready to jump out when the bus pulled up to Mercy-West. Kent took her lead and also got into position. They quickly walked down the halls. Meredith didn't like it. It was older. It was less state-of-the-art. She made her way to the scrub room. She and Kent both began scrubbing their fingernails vigorously.

"This is freaking awesome!" He said exuberantly as he looked over to the OR. Meredith rolled her eyes. They both threw on masks and gloves and headed through the doors.

"You're de Gaulle's resident?" Dr. Saiko asked as she looked up.

"Dr. Grey." She said with a nod as she approached the table. "This is Dr. Mather."

"We're nearly done here." She said as she looked back down at the heart. "He shouldn't be getting this heart." She stated.

"UNOS made the decision." Meredith told her loudly.

"Well, de Gaulle has a way of getting what he wants." She said quickly. "And it's bullshit." She made her final cuts and then lifted the heart out of the man's chest.

"Here you go." Dr. Saiko said as she placed the organ in the cooler and handed it off. "Good luck with de Gaulle. He doesn't like anyone to succeed." She warned.

Meredith grabbed it and rushed to the scrub room. Kent followed quickly after her and they both began scrubbing. The door opened slowly as two doctors walked in, one was talking loudly to the other. Meredith stopped scrubbing. Kent quickly looked over at her and she continued. It was a smell, a familiar scent. It was the scent. It brought back feelings she forgot she had. She heard her paged blare.

"Let's go!" She said gruffly as she pulled the door open and they ran off. The scent quickly left her mind and she returned to work mode.

Derek looked over. Lavender. He definitely smelled lavender. Dr. Tyson was talking . He heard it, but his mind wasn't there. Then her heard that voice. It was loud. It wasn't soft like he remembered it. But he heard it. She was here. And now- She left. She was here and left. He quickly grabbed the door, and ran out. A moment too late.

"Meredith!" He screamed. No one was there. The hallway was empty except for a few nurses. Everyone looked at him like he was crazy. He ran his hand through his hair and walked back into the scrub room.

"What was that about?" Dr. Tyson asked with confusion.

"I think I'm losing my mind." Derek muttered, more to himself. Now he was beginning to worry.

-----------------

Meredith was getting settled into Seattle Grace and her apartment. She still hadn't unpacked most of her things. They sat in boxes. But she moved them from the middle of the room to the corner, so that was a step. She was picking up as many hours as she could, far surpassing the other residents. She was most happy, or what could be considered happy for her, when she was there. She worked herself to exhaustion, and then collapsed in an on-call room. That was the way she worked.

Meredith laid there in the on-call room. She had been there forty-eight hours. Two days. Two hours sleep. She was barely alive. Her body ached. This was how it went. She would work herself into numbness. But when she dropped, when she came down, it was hard. Her body felt like she had been dragged four miles by a speeding train. She had to keep her pain medication to a minimum, per the hospital's regulations. She finally laid her head down on the pillow and closed her eyes, thanking god she actually made it to the bed.

"Dr. Grey..." Meredith heard someone whisper softly.

"Mmm." She moaned as she rolled over and away.

"Dr. Grey." Ellen Pierce said as she softly shook Meredith.

"What?" Meredith snapped loudly as she rolled over and opened her eyes.

"Mr. Peterson..." Dr. Pierce started as she looked into Meredith's tired eyes.

"He damn well better be dead. They had better be rolling his ass to the morgue. And if they are, you don't need me." She said loudly as she glared at her intern.

"He needs a pick line." Ellen said regrettedly. She had a soft frown on her face. A little bit of fear in her eyes. She feared her resident, and this was her last resort.

"And?" Meredith asked quickly.

"I don't know how." She fianally admitted with sadness in her eyes. Now she was in for it.

"You've got to be freaking kidding me! Can't I get some freaking sleep!" Meredith shouted. "de Gaulle..."

"He's left. You're the only one." Ellen explained as her gaze fell to the floor.

"Damn-it!" Meredith shouted as she slowly rolled out of bed.

She hurt. Not just a little. It was immense. Every inch of her body was screaming at her as she placed her feet on the floor. She felt like and eighty year old woman. Things cracked and popped. Her joints hurt. Her bones hurt. Her body had been through a major battle. And her body nearly lost.

Ellen watched as Meredith slowly stood. The pain was evident on her face. She tried to hide it, but Ellen could see it. There was a large grimace on her face as her weight fell on her feet. Gravity went to work. Things hurt. She stumbled slightly as she began to walk. Ellen quickly grabbed her arm.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" Ellen asked as she helped Meredith walk a few steps.

"Get your hands off of me." Meredith scorned as she walked to the door.

Ellen quickly dropped her hands and followed. She watched as Meredith walked in a slightly bent over fashion down the hallway. She straightened up as her muscles warmed up and she walked further.

Meredith walked into the room of her patient. He was sleeping quietly. She gave her intern a dirty look as she went to work. Ellen watched as she worked methodically. Her nimble fingers working perfection.

"Now you've seen it. Next time you do it." Meredith muttered as she hobbled sleepily out of the room. She shuffled her feet as she neared the on-call room. "You've got to be freaking kidding me!" She shouted as she saw someone occupying her recently abandoned bed.

"You snooze, you lose." The doctor said as he rolled over. Meredith locked eyes.

"Holy shit! Meredith!" The handsome doctor said as he looked up. To say he was shocked, was putting it mildly.

"Oh my God!" She said with surprise. "Mark? Mark Sloan?" She asked in shock as she looked into those eyes. She knew those eyes. She would know him anywhere.

"Holy shit..." He said again as he jumped out of the bed. He hands quickly reached for her face. "Fuck...I mean...You're...alive..." He said in shock as he stoked her cheeks and ran his hands down her body. She really was there.

Meredith was dead. He knew she was dead. They said that was it. No more Meredith. Gone. Dead. Worm food. Kicked it. A goner. She broke Derek. She broke Addison. She broke him. It ended everything. It ended lives. At least lives worth living. It ended friendships. It just ended.

"Um, yeah. Last time I checked, I was alive." Meredith said sarcastically as she swatter his hands.

"No. You died." Mark said loudly. "You died..."

"Mark. I think I would know if I died. I's either be in a box or a jar. I happen to be in an on-call room where some asshole has taken my bed." She said as she shoved him playfully. "Besides, you must not have gone to my funeral?" She feigned hurt.

"Well...I stated school. I was gone." He said sadly. "But I wouldn't-- I couldn't have. I wouldn't have been able to watch..." He said, even though he had imagined it over and over.

"Uh huh..." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"How?" He asked as he looked into her very alive green eyes.

"What the hell do you mean?" Meredith asked quickly. "I breathe in. I breathe out. Oxygen fills my lungs. Carbon dioxide comes out." She said sarcastically.

"Yep. It's really you. No one else could be that damn sarcastic." He said with a laugh as he pulled her into a tight embrace. Her face frowned at the pain she was already in, his grip making it worse.

"You okay?" He asked as he looked at her face.

"Yeah." She said reassuringly as she pulled away.

"So...Derek..." Mark treaded lightly as he looked at her. He watched her face grow sour.

"Don't. Don't say that name. I can't. Just don't." She warned loudly.

"Mer, what's-- Why?" Mark asked. He watched her face turn to stone. He withdrew his question, seeing it was not a good subject to be on. "So why are you here?" Mark asked quickly.

"I'm doing the fifth year of my residency here." She explained as she looked into his steel-y eyes. "And you?"

"I'm actually on staff here. As of yesterday. Head of plastics." Mark said with a grin.

"No shit?" She asked with a head shake.

"You're stuck with me." Mark said with a grin as he pulled 'the baby' close. "Mark and the baby...imagine that."

"Yeah, you're not going to be calling me that." She said with a frown.

"No?" He asked feigning disappointment.

"Nope. Here I am Resident Bitch." She told him with a chuckle.

"That's you?" Mark said with a hearty laugh. "Yep, I believe it." He said, nodding his head. He looked at her tired eyes. She yawned wholeheartedly. "You look exhausted."

"I am. Forty-eight hours, two hours sleep. Intern wakes me up to do a pick. No sleep." She said grumpily.

"Fine. You can have your bed back." She smiled slightly. "But only if you share." He said with raised brows.

"For once, Mark Sloan, I will sleep with you." She told him with a giggle. It was something she hadn't done in so long. Giggled.

"It was bound to happen eventually." He laughed as he watched her lay down. He laid softly next to her.

"You touch me, and you won't have a hand to do either of your jobs with." Meredith told him.

"I only need my hand for one job, thank you. The other is fulfilled." He told her.

"Sure..." She said as she closed her eyes. Mark looked at her. Even as she joked, she wasn't the same. He could see the sadness inside. The hurt was unmeasurable. He just laid and watched.

"So, you've been dead a long time. I think we have a lot to catch up on." He said with a chuckle. "Meredith?" He asked. Panic rushed over him. He just finds out she is alive, and now he's killed her. He quickly turned, reaching to check her pulse. Then he heard it. The snore. The famous snore. Yep, Meredith was alive. And snoring. "Meredith Grey...back from the dead." He said to himself. "Wow."

Mark laid there, watching Meredith sleep. Coming to Seattle had been a fluke. He wanted to stay in New York. He was genetically engineered to only be in New York. But when Miranda Bailey called him and made him an offer he couldn't refuse, all of his plans changed. A state-of-the-art plastic surgery department, a five mil a year salary. He would make it work. New York's finest plastic surgeon was relocating.

Meredith stirred slightly and faced him. He looked at her face. She just looked so sad. The last time he had seen her, well before the accident, she had never looked happier. And now, she just looked broken. Beyond broken. Shattered even. He wished he could go back. He wished he could change the course of history. Maybe then, everyone wouldn't have suffered so much.

_Mark stumbled out of his room groggily. Last night had been a late one. Out partying all night, Mark Sloan style. He was amazed he had made it from the cab to the apartment. But he did, one uncoordinated foot at a time. And even stranger, he had come home alone._

_"Oh man..." Mark moaned as he walked out of the bathroom after pissing out the several rounds of drinks he had the night before. "I have got to quit doing this..." He said as he walked into the kitchen, rubbing his face._

_"Rough night?" Derek asked as he looked up from the pan of scrambled eggs that he was cooking._

_"You bet your ass." He said with a grin. "I had that hot chick from the spring party following me around, Man that girl is freaking nuts." He said, shaking his head. Mark walked up and looked in the pan._

_"Oh honey, you cooked!" Mark said with a grin as he grabbed a plate. "That's a lot of food there, Wolfgang." He said with a chuckle. Mark's head popped up, hearing someone shuffle from behind. "Oh..." Mark said as he looked up to see Meredith walking up in just a tee shirt. Derek's tee shirt. His ratty Dartmouth tee shirt. Being a man, he noticed the gentle curves of her body. The simple perfection laid out right there on her body. He glanced over at Derek and quickly spoke. "Oh, man. You brought home a baby?" He said with a chuckle._

_"Mark, cut it out." Derek said as he shook his head. _

_"You're the tequila chick from my party. And the bar..." Mark said as he looked up at her._

_"Uh huh." She said quietly as she looked around. Derek could sense her uneasiness._

_"Meredith. Her name is Meredith. And you remember Mark, right?" Derek asked her with a smile._

_"Of course. I never forget an ass." Meredith said with a sarcastic smile._

_"Nope. And mine is a very nice one." Mark retorted as he looked down at himself, and then gave her a look._

_"Hadn't noticed." Meredith returned as she grabbed a cup of coffee._

_"So I leave for a week, and I come back to this?" Mark said as he looked between them both._

_"Can you go back? A week was definitely not long enough." Meredith joked as she poured her cream and sugar in her coffee._

_"I think you need to be spanked." Mark said loudly as he stared her down._

_"I was. Last night." She said with a wink. "Many times."_

_"Interesting." Mark replied with a smile. "You always get the kinky ones." He told Derek._

_"I'm not kinky!" Meredith whined as she sat down at the table._

_"Sure..." Mark returned as he sat down at the table, across from her. _

_"Here you go, my dear." Derek said as he handed her a plate of food, and kissed her head._

_"What about me, baby?" Mark asked as he looked up at Derek and batted his eyelashes._

_"Get your own." Derek said as he sat next to Meredith._

_"Thank you. You didn't have to..." Meredith said with a smile._

_"Of course I do. You burned a lot of calories last night. And you will be burning even more later." Derek whispered in her ear, causing her to blush. Mark grabbed a plate and sat back down._

_"So no action last night, huh?" Meredith asked with a giggle, trying to press Mark's buttons._

_"Of course there was action. I am always getting action. She left. Early this morning." He lied as he looked at her. She could read his look._

_"That bad, huh? Had to sneak her out..." Meredith answered. Derek looked between the two and shook his head._

_"You two are like little kids." Derek said with a chuckle._

_"I know I am. A little immaturity never killed anyone." Mark joked. Meredith nodded her head in agreement. _

_"So, Baby, and I don't mean in a hot way. More of the waa waa diaper way. What do you do? You drive a corvette... I assume you do something. Maybe you do something very well..." He said with a suggestive smirk._

_"Mark. Seriously, that's not cool." Derek warned. Meredith's gaze dropped to her plate._

_"No, really...College?" He asked as he looked at her._

_"I'm kind of between things right now." She said with a frown. She wasn't telling him. She wasn't telling Derek. Her eight to two job was high school. Senior year. _

_"Oh. So you must be a rich bitch then." Mark answered._

_"Mark. Really..." Derek said as he glared at his friend. They both ate their eggs in silence. Finally Mark spoke._

_"So, you're kind of a hot model. Not Barbie. More like Barbie's teenage sister. What toy store did you come from, anyway?" Mark said with a chuckle._

_"Not the bargain basket for broken toys, with missing important parts like you!" She laughed. Mark chuckled along with her. "Maybe we should go back and look for your penis. You might need it...eventually." _

_"That was harsh." Derek laughed as he looked over at her. Mark feigned hurt._

_"I can't compete." Mark said as he grabbed their plates and threw them in the sink. Meredith excused herself and headed to the bathroom._

_"She's a keeper." Mark said with defeat._

_"Mark Sloan, saying I need to keep one around?" Derek laughed as he looked at him._

_"That one, yes." Mark agreed with a smile. "Anyone who can keep up with me, can stay."_

Mark quickly snapped back to reality when he heard crying. She was sleeping. She was crying in her sleep. He softly rubbed her back, feeling her body shaking. She quickly went silent, feeling his touch. He wondered what the hell happened. What happened between the time that Meredith died and came back to life? Derek and Meredith were Derek and Meredith. Even after he found out how old she was, he knew, everyone knew, they would be together forever. And now he was wondering just what it was. Just what happened?


	8. A Friend In Need

Derek woke up from another restless night's sleep. The only difference was, for the first time in a long time, he had slept next to his wife. Not because he wanted to. Because it's how it ended up. His back ached for a bed. Not a sofa in his office. Or the chair in the neuro library. His bed. Not even hers. He had it before her. But it wasn't the bed that he and Meredith shared. He didn't know what happened to that bed. It was left in the apartment when he left, along with everything that she owned. He looked over, thankful that Kristy wasn't there. He was praying that she had left, that she had gone anywhere. She was asleep when he came home, thank god.

"Oh, you're awake." Kristy said as she came out of the bathroom with just a towel around her. Her soaking wet hair sticking everywhere.

"Yeah." He muttered as he glanced at her. It wasn't normal. A man should be turned on by his wife in a towel.

"You woke up screaming again. I'm going to have to change the sheets again. And your clothes were soaked." She said as she walked over and sat next to him on the bed. "Talk to me." She said as she placed her hand on his face. She looked into his deep blue eyes.

"It's nothing, Kris." Derek said softly.

"Derek, you were in distress. You wake up in a cold sweat almost every night. Please, Der. Just talk to me." She said as he face softened.

"I-- There is nothing to talk about." Derek said as he pulled away from her. He would never tell her. She didn't deserve to know. She didn't deserve to know his Meredith. "Are you done in the bathroom?" He asked as he looked over.

"I have to put my makeup on. But you can come in." Kristy said softly as she stood up and dropped her towel. No reaction. It stung. No reaction. Ever. Derek stood up, running his fingers through his hair. He walked quickly into the bathroom, and got into the shower.

"So the new resident...I like her." Kristy said as she began dressing. "She's great."

"That's nice." Derek said as he lathered up his hair.

"She's sad. Depressed. But...I don't know. I feel so sorry for her." Kristy said with a frown. "She has been through a lot. She doesn't talk about it."

"Oh." Derek muttered as he continued to wash.

"I think I just need to be there for her. I think I could help her." Kristy said with a hopeful tone.

"Maybe she doesn't want help." Derek spat. That was how he felt. He didn't want her help. Maybe whoever it was didn't either. Kristy stayed silent.

"I think I am going to ask her to Joe's. Maybe you could meet us?" Kristy suggested.

"Maybe." He answered, knowing there was no way in hell he would. He opened the shower door and grabbed a towel, tightly wrapping himself.

"You won't. You never do. I never see you." She whined as she looked over at him.

He walked out of the bathroom without answering her. Kristy rolled her eyes, and then his pajama bottoms caught her attention. She hated them. He wore them nearly every night. Her refused to get rid of them. She hated them. He had an attachment to them. Rarely washed them. She hated them. It was disgusting. But today. Today was the day. Today they were headed for the trash.

Derek dressed himself as quickly as he could. He wasn't brushing his teeth. He wasn't drinking coffee. He wasn't doing anything to his hair. He was getting the hell out of there. He drove to the coffee shop on the way to Mercy-West and walked up to the counter. He couldn't stand to be around her. But it wasn't just her. It was anyone. he was beginning to hate people.

"Venti Mocha latte." He muttered. Why did I order that? Meredith. That's why. Always her. She had taken him over. He had turned into her, abandoning himself. Trying to fill the void. Then it hit him. A sweet smell. A little off, but lavender for sure. He looked over. His heart stopped. Dark blonde hair. Oh my God! "Meredith!" He gasped as he grabbed her shoulder. "Meredith!"

To say Derek's heart was beating rapidly, was a major understatement. Right there. There she is. It's her. She's alive. Right there in front of me. All of his muscles tensed up. His chest became tight. His legs, numb. So close. So very close. Her dark blond hair, shining under the light. So close.

The woman turned around slowly. Not Meredith. Not even close. Dark brown eyes. It was like everything was shattering again. All the hope he had. All of the rebuilding that he had attempted in the last decade, gone. All gone. So close, yet so very, very far.

"I'm so sorry." He muttered as he rushed out. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't do this.

"Sir? Your mocha latte!" The woman yelled as he rushed out.

Derek walked as quickly as he could. He had to make it to his car. It was too far. He was feeling like he was going to collapse. He was feeling like he couldn't go on. He had built himself up. He was there. He was ready. Every bit of hope was there. And it crashed down like a building hit by a wrecking ball. She was dead. Dead. Not alive. Gone. And yet he was always thinking he saw her. She always seemed to be around. There was always that bit of hope. Rebuilding, he couldn't do it. Not again. He hadn't even finished. A brick a day. Not even a brick a day. There was just no hope. He was done.

Derek collapsed inside his car and his head laid on his steering wheel. The horn beeped as all of his weight laid against it. He didn't care. Nothing mattered. He just wished it would end. It would be so much easier. He wished it had been him. He wished he had been on the other side of the car. And he should have been.

"Hello?" Addison answered as she walked down the hallway of Seattle Presbyterian.

"Addie?" Derek said with a last bit of sound he could muster.

"Derek? Derek are you okay?" She asked with worry. She could hear the sound of despair in his voice.

"Addie, I can't do it anymore. I can't--" Derek said as the tears ran down his face.

"What are you talking about, Derek? You're not going to hurt yourself, are you?" She asked in a state of panic. Her heels quit clicking as she came to a stop.

"She's everywhere. I see her everywhere. But it's not her. I smell her. I feel her. And she's not there. I miss her. I need her. I can't do this anymore." He told her as he tried to breathe. He never did this. He was completely vulnerable.

"Where are you?" Addison asked quickly.

"Um. The Tea Leaf." He told her as he looked up and read the sign.

"I am on my way. Don't go anywhere." She said as she hung up.

"Okay." He muttered as he flipped his phone shut. He looked up at the rearview mirror. It was him, he knew it had to be him. But he didn't know this man. He didn't know himself anymore.

----------------

"Dr. Grey?" Kent Mather yelled after her as she speeded down the hallway away from him.

"What, Dr. Mather?" She said as she continued on her way.

"I heard you will be in on an aortic aneurysm. Anyway I can get in on the action?" He asked as he jogged up and walked along side of her.

"You want to 'get in on the action'?" She said, mocking his choice of words.

"I'd like to scrub in on the surgery, yes." He said with a big smile.

"What are you doing now?" She asked as she continued into the elevator.

"I just finished my SCUT work." He explained as he looked at her. He watched her wince as she leaned back against the wall. The metal bar hitting her hip.

"Are you okay?" He asked with a concerned look.

"I am fine. Once you disappear from my sight, I will be even better." She snapped as she walked out of the opening doors. She was determined to keep the focus off of herself.

"Is that a yes?" He asked loudly.

"Yes. But for your information, SCUT is never done." She shouted as she continued on her way.

Meredith grabbed her usual grilled chicken garden salad and made her way down the line. Part of her wanted to hide away. To sneak into the corner of the indoor cafeteria and hide away. But it was a nice day, so she decided to go out. Besides, she was getting used to the soap opera that was Kristy Samson. She grabbed a table behind a few small trees and looked around.

"Hey!" She heard from behind. She was sure that Kristy could possibly be considered a stalker. A lunch time stalker.

"Oh hey..." Meredith muttered as she pulled the plastic fork out of it's package.

"How are you today?" Kristy asked as she plopped done next to Meredith.

"You, know. The usual." Meredith said as she poured her salad dressing on to the lettuce. "What about you?" Meredith asked out of obligation.

"Shitty. I hate to say that, but yeah...shitty." Kristy said as she took a bite of her own salad.

"Yeah?" Meredith asked as she looked off into the distance.

"Oh yeah. My husband, he...he finally came home last night. It's been a week. Another soaking wet morning. I swear I sleep next to a sweat hog." She moaned as she rolled her eyes.

"A week? Is he having an affair?" Meredith asked as she listened to Kristy's story.

"No. I- I don't think so. He's busy. But he can't be that busy. I think he's avoiding me." She said with a shrug.

"So why are you married to him? He changed?" Meredith asked with little enthusiasm.

"No. See that's the stupid thing. My mom says I'm an emotion nurse. She's right I guess. When I met Derek...he...he was so depressed. He was broken. He was not there. I felt bad for him. He needed someone. People usually change after they get married. At least that's what everyone says. Expect it to get worse. Well, I married him expecting it to get better. I guess I thought I could fix him. I thought I could make him happy. Make him snap out of this thing he's in. But he didn't. He hasn't changed at all. No love. No sex. Nothing." Kristy explained sadly. "My family, my friends, they don't know. I just say he's busy all of the time. He never comes to family functions. Nothing."

"So why don't you just get a divorce?" Meredith asked dumbly.

"I don't know... I guess I am holding out hope. I care about him." She said with a shrug. "Enough about me. What about you?" She asked as she looked up.

"What about me?" Meredith asked quickly.

"What's your story? You're hurt. I can see that." Kristy pointed out. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Oh god no." Meredith spat quickly.

"So what did he do to you?" Kristy asked as she looked over at Meredith.

"Who? What did who do to me?" Meredith asked as she looked around.

"The guy. He hurt you... What happened?" She asked softly.

Meredith looked into her eyes. She felt somewhat safe. Not friendly. Not like she could tell her all of her deepest darkest secrets. But Kristy let out relaxing vibes. She always felt a little better when she would walk away from her.

"He left." Meredith said as she looked away. "He promised he would always be there. He promised he would love me forever. He was supposed to be there. And when I woke up. He was gone..." Meredith said as tears formed in her eyes.

_[iSomething has changed. I feel something. A sense. Like I should be doing something. Not laying her in this darkness. I should be awake. I should be somewhere. I need them. I need them all. And most of all, I need Derek. _

_Meredith felt the pain. Her head was pounding. Everything hurt. Hands, feet, legs even her hair. It hurt. She could hear someone talking. She listened before slipping back into the darkness._

_"She's in pain!" Ellis spat to Meredith's doctor, Dr. James._

_"She is fine." He said as he looked at her. "She is on a very high dose of morphine. And her recent scans..."_

_"Don't say it!" She yelled. "My daughter in is pain. Look at her face. She is my baby. I know!" Ellis shouted as she got into his face. He looked over at the nurse and nodded._

_"The fact that she is here is a pure miracle. I don't have to tell you that she may not wake up. She may be breathing on her own. But with all do respect, Dr. Grey, I am her physician." He told her as he looked at the monitors._

_"I don't want to hear it. She's will be fine. Three days ago we thought...and now...she will be fine." Ellis said optimistically as she paced back and forth. She looked over to see Richard in the doorway._

_"I will not sugar coat it." Dr. James said as he looked at Richard and then her. _

_"We don't expect you to." Richard answered firmly as he walked up._

_"Her function...I don't see it happening. You need to prepare yourselves. This shouldn't have happened. It should have been done. The brain does strange things. We don't know nearly enough. So please, no expectations." Dr. James said quickly._

_"I need you to say it. Just say it." Ellis spat. "Be blunt." Her cold eye looked into his._

_"When we pulled the plug, she should have died. Her brain function. It's-- She's a vegetable. She will not wake up. She shouldn't even be breathing on her own. And if you ask me, this is a cruel trick nature played." He said with a frown as he walked out, Ellis collapsed into Richard's chest._

_"Ellis, we knew..." Richard said with a frown._

_"That doesn't make it any easier." She cried, her tears falling on his shoulder. This was how it always went. Richard was her rock._

_"Holy shit..." Richard said as he looked over,_

_"What?" Ellis said as she looked up at him. His mouth was agape as he pointed at Meredith. "Oh my god." She said as she walked up and looked into her daughter's open eyes. She didn't have to have a brain scan. Just by looking into her eyes, she knew. She just knew._

_Meredith looked up at her mother. It was her mom. She had never been so happy to see her mom in her whole life. Her eyes quickly darted around the room. She was in the hospital. She could hear the monitors beeping. She looked around the room without moving her head. She couldn't. Where was Derek? He face turned to panic as she searched. Where is he? She had to know. She had to speak. Her mouth was dry. Her throat ached. She tried to move her mouth, it wouldn't_

_"Get him!" She yelled at Richard. "Get him!" She screamed as she looked into Meredith's eyes. She watched as a few tears escaped. Meredith's mouth tried to move. "Don't try to talk. Your jaw is broken." Ellis whispered. Meredith's eyes darted to a sheet of paper and a pen on the table by her bed. "You can't write, honey." Ellis whispered as she rubbed her daughter's cheek. She looked down at the bandages that covered her body. "I love you." Ellis said softly as the tears began to fall._

_"Oh my god!" Dr, James said as he looked down at her. He looked over at the nurse. They all looked at her in complete shock. "Meredith can you hear me?" He asked. She just stared. "Blink of you can hear me." He said, She quickly blinked hard. "You're in the hospital. You were in a terrible accident. We need to check you out." He explained for lack of better words. He himself was in shock. "Full work up." He spat._

_Meredith woke up and fell asleep several times while they put her body through scans and hooked her to monitors. She couldn't talk. She tried, but she couldn't. Days. There were days going by, and no Derek. Her brain wasn't working perfectly, but it would take time. There was a lot of trauma. She laid there. She waited. Nothing. Days. A week. Finally she mustered up all she could. Ellis bent down and listened._

_"Derek..." She finally mustered without moving her mouth. Ellis could barely understand her._

_"Derek?" Ellis said as he face fell. She read Meredith's eyes. "I'm so sorry, honey. He couldn't...He... He couldn't do it. He couldn't handle it. He left. He's gone. Gone forever." She said softly. _

_That was it. Life was over. Downhill from there. Meredith closed her eyes. She didn't want to open them. She wanted to go back. Go back to the darkness. Go back to the calm. She didn't want to be there. She couldn't be there. Not without him. She shut down.[/i_

"What a bastard. He just left you while you were sleeping?" Kristy said, shaking her head. "You wake up, no note, nothing. God. Men are assholes." She said as she pulled Meredith close, hugging her tightly.

"You have no idea." Meredith said as she wiped her tears and pulled away. Back to stone.


	9. Harsh Words

Addison jumped in her car and drove as quickly as she could. She was worried. Derek was broke. Beyond repair. She hated to say that, to admit it, but it was true. She had no idea what she could do to make him better. To repair the damage that he had done. That Meredith had done. Damage. Derek brought a new meaning to that word. She had no idea what she was going to say. She did know one thing. She had to save him from himself.

Addison spotted Derek's black Denali in the parking lot of the Tea Leaf coffee shop. She didn't know what he drove, but considering it was the only car in the lot at the moment, she knew it had to be him. She pulled right up next to him and glanced in the window. He was slumped over, his body shaking from his sobs. She quickly jumped out and opened the door, climbing into the passenger's seat.

"Oh Derek..." She said softly as she rubbed his back. It hurt. She had never seen him like that. They had known each other for years. Mark was like a brother to them both. They had all grown up together. And she had never seen him in so much pain.

"I'm sorry, Addie. I shouldn't have called you." Derek said as he sat up and rubbed his face.

"No, Derek. I'm glad you did." Addison said honestly. "I'm really glad you did."

"I need to get over it, right? It's been a long time. I know that. It's just-" He said as more tears welled up. Derek is a strong man. A formidable man. Not a man who cries. And definitely not a man who cries in front of someone.

"She was the love of your life..." Addison said sadly. It was true. She knew how Derek and Meredith felt about each other. It was deep. Deeper than anything she had encountered. Deeper than the love she felt for her own husband.

"Yeah..." He trailed as he stared out the window. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were going to get married. Have kids. The white picket fence. We were going to have it all. It's gone. All gone. I can't get it back. And I can't move forward. I just can't. And I don't want to." He said frankly as he glanced at her.

"Derek, she's gone. I know you don't want to, but you need to move on. I know Meredith, she wouldn't want this. She would be so pissed at you right now." Addison told him truthfully as she rubbed his back.

"She would... She'd tell me I was pathetic." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Yes, she would." Addison agreed.

"I can't get over it. It was my fault. If I weren't driving, she's be here. She wouldn't be-- What kind of person am I? A bastard. An asshole. Fucking worthless. I couldn't even hold her hand as she took her last breath..." He trailed off.

_"Sir, I need you to get in the ambulance." The paramedic said as she looked at Derek. He was in distress. His arm, dangling._

_"I can't...she..." Derek muttered as he stared at the light disappearing in the distance._

_"We'll follow. But we have to go now." Derek looked at her. She was right. He didn't have a car. He looked over the the Corvette. A tiny, tangled mess of metal._

_"Please?" She asked softly. Derek nodded as they quickly rushed to the ambulance. They began taking his pressure and looked at his arm. He couldn't focus. They poked and prodded. All her could think of was her. He was in a daze._

_"She'll be okay, right?" Derek asked, praying this woman would give him even the tiniest ray of hope._

_"I hope so." She said as she looked at the large cut on his face. "You're arm." She said as she looked down._

_"It's okay." He shrugged it off. "I'm starting medical school in a month. I want to be a doctor...and she's..." He trailed off as he willed them to hurry. They needed to hurry._

_The doors flew open when they pulled up to Mercy General hospital. Derek looked around for her. Where was she? He didn't care he was finding out. And anyone who got in his way was getting flattened. He rushed into the emergency room, looking for the trauma area. He rushed through the double door, people screaming at him to stop._

_His heart stopped. He heard them. "She went down three times." They said loudly. "Her pressure keeps spiking." He looked in. What he saw was a shock. "She's a goner. No way will she make it through this." It took his breath away. His heart quit beating. A bloody, broken mess laid on the gurney. "She's not breathing." She was not Meredith. He couldn't see Meredith. Not under the blood._

_"Sir!" You need to get out of here a doctor yelled as they worked on her. He felt someone pull him back. _

_"She's my girlfriend. I love her..." He cried as he watched._

_"Your arm!" She yelled as she looked down. "We need help over here." She said as she looked for someone._

_Derek was in a daze. They gave him pain killers as they worked on his arm. It didn't matter. He couldn't feel anything. The pain in his heart was far worst than any physical pain he could ever feel. He looked down as they began to cast him. Her smile. Her smile was in his head. Then a flash of blood turned up. A bloody nose. Bloody face. Broken._

_"Is she alright?" Derek asked as he saw a familiar paramedic walk by._

_"She was just smashed by a truck. Do you think she is?" He snapped as he walked off. Derek felt a sickness in his stomach. A knotting. A dread. He sat there on the gurney as the intern walked away and then back._

_"I thought you'd like to know, they took her into surgery," The doctor told him softly._

_"For what?" He asked in shock._

_"Her heart, I think. I don't know much, sorry." She said with a sad shrug. "I'm done here. Why don't you go to the waiting area?" She said as she led him there._

_"Thank you..." He muttered as he stared off. Surgery. She walked away. Her heart. Surgery. Blood. Surgery. It felt like time had stopped. Suffering began._

_"What happened?" Ellis screamed as she ran through the doors with Richard as she spotted Derek._

_"There--- There was an--accident." He stammered as he looked into her cold eyes. "She's in surgery." Ellis cried out as she ran into the back. For the first time in a long time she had been off work. Richard rushed over to Derek._

_"Are you okay?" He asked as he looked at his face and arm._

_"I-- She's bloody. Her heart..." Derek muttered staring off. _

_"It's not your fault, Derek." Richard said softly._

_Derek could hear Ellis screaming. She had gone mad. She was losing her mind. He had never seen that woman scared. She was terrified. They finally dragged her out of the back. No family. She had to stay out. Great._

_"What did you do to her?" Ellis said loudly as she stared at Derek._

_"I don't know. The glass. The car flipped. She was bleeding." That was all he could get out. Her face flashed into his head again._

_Hours. Hours. Hours. That's how long they sat there. Ellis glared. She yelled. She cried. They all sat there. Nothing could be done. They couldn't help her. It was up to the team of doctors that were in the OR. It was in someone else's hands now. Hours. Too long. Hours. Suffering. Hours. _

_Finally a surgeon came out. He was still in his scrubs. His bloody scrubs. Derek looked up in shock. It was her blood. It was a lot of blood. His face was grim. Was she dead? Was she alive?_

_"I'm Dr. Flannigan." He said with a faint smile as he walked up to Derek and Richard. "Ellis." He nodded professionally._

_"How is she?" Richard asked quickly._

_"She made it through the surgery. She had a traumatic aortic disruption. We repaired that. You should know, 20-30 of patients will die in the first six hours, 40-50 in the first 24 hours and 60-80 in the first week." He said bluntly. Ellis began to cry loudly. It was nothing she didn't already know._

_"Oh my god..." Richard said in shock. Derek stood there in a panic induced silence._

_"She has a lateral compression fracture to her pelvis, broken ribs, a ruptured spleen, a broken jaw..." He went on. They almost quit listening. It was too much. Too many injuries. "The chances of survival are...She is unable to breathe on her own. We need your consent for a breathing tube. She needs to be on life support... But, I...she has a lot of injuries...the chances. They aren't great. They are next to none." He told Ellis frankly. Derek stared. What was he saying? Was she going to die? What was going on?_

_Everything became a blur. Everything meshed. Life blended. Hours blended into days, and days into weeks. She made it. Against all odds, she made it. She wasn't breathing on her own. But she was alive. Her brain function was nothing. A vegetable. That's what they called her. But in Derek's eyes, she was alive. There was still hope. _

_Ellis couldn't look at him. According to her, it was his fault. He killed her baby. Richard allowed him to stay. The tension between Richard and Ellis was high. Derek held her hand. He didn't leave. Eat and shower. That was it. He held her hand. Tried to. Her body was broken. She was broken. But no matter what, he wasn't giving up hope. She still had a chance. She was still in there. He didn't care what they said._

_It was a sunny day. Derek opened the shades and let the sun in the room. Meredith loved the sun. and he knew she needed it. He watched the warm light fall on her bruised face. Still no movement. No sounds. But she was in there. He knew it. _

_"Derek?" Richard said as he walked in the room. _

_"She's in there." Derek muttered, not looking away from her._

_"Derek..." Richard said with a faint smile._

_"I swear she smiled..." It was a lie, but they were giving up hope._

_"Derek..." Richard said as he looked Derek in the eyes. "We've decided...we're going to take her off of the life support. She wouldn't want to live like this. We're going to pull the plug..."_

"I should have-- The funeral. I didn't even go to her funeral." Derek said as he stared off. "Maybe..." He said, holding on to hope

"Derek...she's...she's gone. There was no way. She was... I'm sorry." Addison said as she held his hand. "She loved you. She loves you. I am sure she's always with you." Addison said softly. "Don't do this to yourself. Don't do this to her."

"I need to go to New Hampshire. I need to see it." He said as he looked into her eyes. "I need to see that she's really there. In the ground."

"We'll go. You and I. We'll go." She said with a faint smile. He nodded. He wasn't fixed. But it felt better talking. He needed to talk.

-------------

Derek walked into Mercy-West. His surgery was scheduled for an hour ago. He hadn't realized how much time had gone by sitting in his car. He really didn't care, he was one of the top neurosurgeons in the country. He would do whatever the hell he wanted. Besides, he never leaves the hospital.

"Dr. Shepherd, just where the hell have you been?" Dr. Alico, his Chief of Surgery asked as he walked up.

"I had something." Derek muttered as he continued on his way.

"Oh, you had something? Well I'm sure you patient will understand. I mean who cares that you are an hour late for surgery. Oh and the wasted time that the OR was empty, no big deal, we have so many spares. You are treading on thin ice here..." Dr. Alico spat as he stopped him.

"When have I ever been late?" Derek asked as he gave the old man an icy glare.

"That is not the point. You were unreachable. You are an employee at this hospital. I don't care how damn good you are, you are replaceable. There are med students graduating everyday..." Dr. Alico said coldly as looked at him. "Don't let it happen again." He said as he turned on his heel and walked off.

Derek shook his head and continued on his way. He didn't care. what did he have to lose? He had lost it all already. There was nothing left. He had his intern prep his patient and he changed into his scrubs and met them in the OR. He wasn't focused on his work. And quite honestly, he was good enough that he didn't have to. The talk with Addison kept flashing in his head. Strangely enough, it made him feel better. Not great, not good. Just above the most extreme pain you can feel. She was right, he needed to see the grave. He needed to accept it. He didn't want to. But maybe if he saw it, he could handle it. He could make it through. But then again, he would have to come to the realization that Meredith wasn't really alive, and he really was in fact, losing his mind.

--------------

"I am truly impressed by your work, Dr. Grey." Dr. de Gaulle said as he scrubbed his hands. Meredith stood beside him using her side of the sink.

"Thanks." She muttered as she kept scrubbing.

"You are the most professional resident I have worked with." He said again as he looked over at her.

"I appreciate that." Meredith said as she grabbed the paper towels and walked out.

"What was that?" Kent Mather asked as he followed her like a puppy.

"What was what?" Meredith said loudly as she continued on her way.

"de Gaulle. He doesn't do that." Kent said as he followed alongside her.

"Do what?" She asked as she grabbed a chart and started reading it.

"Be civil. Flatter. He's an ass. Hardcore. He doesn't do that..." Kent said as he stood there. "He wants in your pants..."

"Excuse me?" Meredith said as she glared at him.

"He does." Kent said with a shrug.

"First of all, no. And secondly, you have work. Rectals, actually." She said with a smile as she handed him the charts. "And keep and eye on our patient." He walked away with his head down. There was no arguing with her.

"That's why they call you resident bitch." Kristy laughed as she looked up.

"Yeah, I know." Meredith agreed as she kept on examining her charts. "I hate interns."

"Most residents do." Kristy returned with a smile.

"Feel free to use him as you wish." Meredith told her quickly.

"Now that is an offer..." She smiled. "So, are you going to come to Joe's tonight?" She asked with a cheesy grin.

"I don't think so." Meredith said as she began scribbling.

"It would be fun." Kristy replied, trying to butter her up.

"I don't do fun." Meredith told her without looking up.

"Sure you do..." Kristy said happily.

"Leaving." Meredith said as she walked away.

"He's right... He never compliments...ever!" She shouted down to Meredith, who shook her head.

Meredith shoved her things in her locker. Maybe she should go to Joe's, the bar across the street. Not to have fun. Not to have a good time. Just to do her favorite pastime, tequila sampling. It's not as if she had anyone to go home to anyway.

Meredith walked across the busy street and into the tiny bar. The small bell on the door made a faint ding as she opened the door and walked in. It was a typical bar. There were several people in there, some playing darts, some conversing and some drowning their pain. That's what she wanted to do, drown her pain. She was relieved to see that Kristy wasn't there. She had gotten off much later than her, and she had probably already left.

"What can I get you?" The bartender said as Meredith sat on a stool in the back.

"Tequila." Meredith said as she looked him in the eyes.

"Ouch." He said as he poured the liquid into the glass. "You'll regret it."

"We're old friends." She said as she tossed it back. "Keep em' coming." She said with a smile. "By the end, I'll need a cab." She told him.

"No problem. I've never seen you in here before. You from Grace?" He asked as he poured another shot.

"Yep." She said frankly as she slammed another one. "And leave the glasses, I like to build." She said as she flipped them.

"Can do. Joe." He said as he stuck out his hand.

"Meredith." She said as she shook it.

Meredith heard someone yell for Joe, and he nodded as he walked away. She sat there looking at the full shot glass in front of her. Why did it have to come to this? Why did it have to happen this way? Joe walked over to her end of the bar several times and refilled her glasses. This was how it went. One drink at a time. Everything began to fill loose. A little fuzzy. A little less painful.

"Can I buy you a drink?" A man asked as he sat on the stool next to her.

"I don't know, can you?" She asked as she looked over at the young blond.

"I think I can." He said with a smile and a nod to Joe. Joe filled a glass and pushed it over. She quickly slammed the shot back and flipped her glass.

"Was it worth it?" She asked as she glanced over at him.

"To watch you drink? Yes. But I think it may be even more worth it later..." He said with as smiled as he looked at an inebriated Meredith.

"That may be..." She said quickly as she continued to build with her shot glasses.

"So what's your story?" He asked as he sipped his martini.

"I have no story. My pages were torn out a long time ago..." She said as she glanced over.

"Perfect." He said with a laugh.

Derek climbed in his car, leaving Mercy-West. It was late. It was late and Kristy was supposed to be working a twenty four hour shift. He was going home tonight. Sleeping in his bed without her. It was like a treat. As close to a treat as he could get anymore. He slowly drove by a small bar. Emerald City. Why not? He pulled into the lot. A scotch sounded good. Being poured by someone else. Even better.

Derek looked around the busy bar. It was packed. But he didn't care. Maybe no one would notice him. He grabbed a table in the far back corner. He wasn't looking around. He wasn't making eye contact. He was here to to drink. And he wanted to be alone.

"What can I get you?" Joe asked as he walked up.

"Double scotch, single malt." Derek muttered as he looked up.

Derek slumped his shoulders and stared at the table. Joe walked off an quickly returned with a drink. He quickly wheeled around and walked away. Derek didn't look friendly. Joe wasn't stepping on that mess. He knew when to leave a man alone to drink. He had seen it time and time again. But this one was the extreme.

"So, baby. What do you say we get out of here?" The blond asked as he placed his hand on Meredith's leg. He rubbed it, moving to her inner thigh.

"Why not?" Meredith shrugged as she looked at him. What the hell was the difference? She had nothing to lose.

"Sounds good." He said as he started to stand up.He felt a large man behind him. He didn't have to look. He could feel his hot breath on his neck.

"What the hell is going on here?" The man asked sternly.

"Mark!" Meredith said quickly as she looked up. There Mark stood, feet planted firmly.

"Let's go." He said as he grabbed her hand and started to walk off.

"Wait, she's mine." The blonde said as he looked at her. Her eyes got wide as she saw the expression on Mark's face.

"She's my wife." Mark spat as he stared the man down. Meredith looked at him in shock.

"What?" The blonde said as he looked over at her in shock.

"You are not!" Meredith spat angrily to Mark, who had a huge smile on his face. "I'm a big girl, I can handle myself!" She said as she pushed him. He didn't budge. That just made her angry.

"Unless you want your face smashed, I'd get the hell out of here. Her fists may be tiny and ineffectual, but mine are not." He growled as he raised his fist up. The man looked at him with wide eyes. He said nothing as he threw bills on the bar, and then running out.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" Meredith shouted as she glared at Mark.

"Saving you." He said quietly. "From yourself." He added as he looked at her with pity.

"Too late for that." She said loudly. "I am fine." She told him. "Joe, another shot, since my friend left."

"No." Mark said boldly. "She's had more than enough."

"I am fine." She said as she looked at Joe. She wobbled slightly.

"You made a 3-d pyramid out of empty shot glasses. You are not fine!" He told her as he grabbed her hand.

"That was just a warm up..." She said with a faint smile.

"Let's go." He said again as he grabbed her wrist.

"No!" She said, twisting her arm and pulling away.

"Meredith Grey, don't think I won't throw you over my shoulder. I've done it before." He warned.

"Fuck you." She spat as she shoved him again.

"Fine. Have it your way." He said with a shrug as he grabber her and threw her over his shoulder. He quickly turned to walk out.

"Mark! You ass. Let me down!" She said as he walked right out of the bar, people watching. She tried to beat him with her fists, but it seemed to go unnoticed. Finally she gave up and laid like a limp doll. He placed her in his Mercedes and walked to the other side.

"Where do you live?" He asked simply as he went to exit the parking lot.

"Olympic." She said as she rolled her eyes. "I'm fine."

"Sure you are." He said, unbelieving as he drove off.

"I am fine!" She said again loudly.

"Uh huh..." He said again.

"I'm fine." She finally cried out. "I'm fine, I'm fine..." She cried loudly as she sobbed. "I'm fine..."

"Mer--" He said softly as he glanced over at her. She continued to sob and mutter how fine she was. He put his hand out and grabbed hers.

It broke his heart. He couldn't understand it. Why? Why was she like this? What the hell happened? She was Derek's girl. Meredith and Derek. They were so happy. Everyone knew they would be together forever. So why weren't they? What the hell did that asshole ex-friend of his do to her?

Mark pulled up to Meredith's apartment and pulled into her parking space. Without exchanging words he picked her up and out of the car. She was light and easy to carry as he walked to her door. He grabbed the keys from her hand and unlocked the door. He swiftly kicked it shut as he walked in. Her eyes were closed, and she was breathing shallowly. He found his way to her room and laid her down softly.

"Lay with me, Derek." She said softly as she pulled his hand. He looked down at her and frowned. With as sigh he laid down next to her. She pulled his arm around her. He smiled as he laid there. Just tonight, he would be her Derek.

--------------

Derek didn't lift his head at the commotion. He didn't care. A bar fight. A lover's quarrel. It didn't matter. He heard people laughing. And yelling. Whatever. Then he glanced up. It was a man. A man carrying a woman. She was small. Just like Meredith. He was losing his mind. It was scary. He never thought it would be like that. He was losing his mind, and he knew it. That was the worst part, he knew it.

Derek sat down the nearly full glass. The scotch wasn't doing it. Not tonight. He threw down his bills and made his way out to the parking lot. Yep. There she was. Sitting it a Mercedes. But then again, she saw her in the coffee shop. In the hospital. In the cafeteria. Shit, he'd even seen her in the frosting of his chocolate donut. He was definitely losing his mind.

The car ride home was quiet. Traffic was light. He couldn't wait to get home. Home to the empty house, and the empty bed. His mood lightened when he pulled up to the dark house. She really wasn't there. He trudged upstairs to their room. He was going to change and collapse on his bed. He fished through the drawer for the pants. The pajama pants. The ones that he guarded with his life. Not there. He looked in the dirty laundry. Not there either. He rushed around looking everywhere. He was in a panic. They were gone. They were gone...

Derek grabbed his bottle of single malt scotch and sat on the back deck. He had searched everywhere. He had no idea where to look next. But he needed those pants. They were special. It was just another piece. Another thing that he needed to keep him sane.

_Derek stared at the piece of paper in his hand. He wanted to call her. He needed to call her. It was stupid. They met at a party. Then at a bar. They had sex. Well, he took her virginity, which was still a shock to him. And he still felt somewhat guilty. But that wasn't why he was calling her. He was calling her because he couldn't get her out of his mind. That soft face, with her pale skin. Her golden locks. The lavender scent that followed her. He was doing it. He was calling her. He needed it. She was his new drug. _

_"Hello?" Meredith said softly into the phone. _

_At first he wasn't sure. Was it her? Yeah, it was her. Her voice sounded like and angel's. Soft and light. Smooth and calming. And when she giggled, it made everything fell better instantly. It was definitely her._

_"Meredith?" He asked nervously. He never got nervous. Today he was nervous._

_"Um...yeah?" She said skeptically. "Who is this?" She asked softly._

_"Derek. From the party." He said quickly. "And the bar." He instantly chided himself for saying something stupid._

_"Oh. Hey..." She said, somewhat in shock. They had sex, she figured he was done with her._

_"So, I've been thinking about you. I'd like to-- I was thinking... Maybe we could go to a movie or something?" He asked quietly._

_"A movie...Are you asking me on a date?" She giggled. There it was. The giggle. He immediately felt tingly all over._

_"Well, yeah. I think I am." He finally answered._

_"Sure. Why not?" She said, thinking about the fact that all of her friends had found something else to do and she was just sitting alone. "Tonight?"_

_"Of course. I'll pick you up." He said happily._

_"Oh, um... Well, okay." She said hesitantly. _

_She quickly spat out the address, and the plans were made. She couldn't wait. She had been thinking about Derek non-stop, but she has kept telling herself it was just a mistake. She needed to get over it. She needed to forget it ever happened. He probably wasn't interested in her anyway._

_Meredith ran up to her room. She had no idea what she was going to wear. She was nervous. And excited. She had never felt this way. Her stomach was flopping just thinking about it. Before she knew it, he was at her front door. She was going on a date with Mr. Great Hair._

_"Hey." He said with a smile as she opened the door._

_"Hey." She returned with a smile. _

_"Nice place." He said as he looked around._

_"Yeah. So are you ready to go?" She asked with a smile._

_"Yeah. Sure, let's go." He said as they walked out the front door. "So do you live with your parents?"_

_"Yeah. But not for much longer. It's just easier, you know?" She said, trying to brush it off._

_"What do that do?" He asked as he looked back at the large house._

_"They're um...doctors. So what movie do you want to see?" Meredith asked as she looked over at him._

_"Well, let's eat first. Then whatever you want..." He said as they drove down the road._

_------------------_

_"So the movie was..." Derek said with a smile._

_"Yeah. I didn't see any of it, either." She giggled as she glanced over at him. "We were too busy..."_

_"I couldn't help it." He joked as he looked at her with a smile. They walked towards the car and Derek opened the door. Meredith got a seductive grin on her face._

_"Take me for a ride, Derek..." She whispered into his ear. He melted. She made him melt. She made him lose control. Then rationality set in._

_"No...not here." He said as he motioned for her to get in. She did with a frown. He quickly rushed to the other side of the car and climbed in. "This time. We are doing this right." He told her as he grabbed her hand. _

_Meredith's heart pounded as they drove in the car. She wanted him. He did this to her. He was insatiable. She couldn't resist him, and she didn't even try. Her palms were sweaty. Her foot was twitching. He was her drug, and she just wanted a tiny taste._

_Derek and Meredith bounded up the stairs to the second floor apartment. They could hardly contain themselves as he opened the door. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that neither Mark or Addison were home. Derek led Meredith into his room with a smile. He wanted her to remember this forever._

_Meredith smiled as she unbuttoned his deep blue shirt and slid it off. Her hands fell onto his chest, caressing the hard flesh. Her hands fell to his jeans. She slowly worked at his belt, until she freed him, letting his jeans fall to the floor. The presence of his bulge through his boxers made her smile. She knew. She knew what was to come, and it was pure bliss. She pulled her long sleeve shirt over her head and tossed it to the side. He smiled at the presence of her perky breasts peaking out of her black bra. He slowly undid her tight jeans and let them crash to the floor._

_"Tonight is about you." He said with a smile as he laid her back on the bed. _

_He smiled when he looked at her tiny black thong, a perfect wet spot awaiting in the center._ _Derek looked at her and all her saw was perfection. She was perfect. She was special. A treasure. He looked into her soft green eyes. They were full of need. Full of desire. She wanted him, and he was more than ready to give himself to her._

_"You are so beautiful." He said softly as he kissed her softly. He could feel her blush. As if she didn't know she was. His mouth slowly began sucking on her neck, tasting her sweet flesh on his tonugue.. She moaned as he nipped and sucked, pulling on her softly. His mouth trailed down. Derek's hands gently unclasping her bra. He sighed as he looked the perfect mounds of flesh, teasing him. His mouth instantly went to each, teasing and sucking them into hardened peaks. _

_"Oh..." She moaned as he teeth squeezed gently. She felt his tongue move down and suck on her navel. She sucked her abdomen in at the sensation. She felt her body tingle as he looped his finger around her panties and pulled them down. She was ready for him. _

_"Oh god!" She gasped as she felt his fingers enter her moist heat._

_"God you're wet..." He muttered as he swirled his finger around, flicking and rubbing. Teasing and touching. He felt her clit began to pulsate as he pushed harder, sending her closer._

_"Oh my god...oh...shit!...oh my..." She moaned as she began to release. His mouth quickly moved down, sucking and slurping, enjoying her uniquely sweet taste. _

_"Oh..." She said softly. "Again..."_

_"Again?" He asked as he looked up. She nodded with a smile on her face. He quickly began sucking her warm fluid. "This is perfect..." She moaned as he went to work again. She felt herself release into a shuddering climax._

_She laid there for a moment on a pleasurable silence. Finally she looked down at his boxers. She grasped the waistband of his boxers and began to pull them down._

_"You don't have to." He said seriously. "This is about you..."_

_"I want to." She nodded as she looked down at his large cock. "I really want to..."_

_"Not now..." He said quickly. His hand ran down once again, penetrating her warm lips. She was ready, more than ready. She smiled at his touch. He rolled over and grabbed a condom out of the bedside table. She grabbed it out of his hands, and she ripped it open and rolled it on to him. She laid onto her back once again, awaiting the pleasure. _

_"Please..." She moaned as she spread her legs. He gently pushed her knees up and entered her slowly._

_"Oh my god!" She gasped as she felt the length of his large cock penetrate her. She immediately felt strong sensations taking her over._

_"Damn...you are tight." He said with a grin as he slid himself in and out of her, his hands holding her wrists on the bed. "Oh..." He moaned. She gasped as she felt his length reach deeper and farther. She pulled her legs apart and felt him go deeper._

_"Derek...oh god...Derek..." She screamed as he quickened his pace. "Oh my..." She moaned. "Harder..."_

_"Yeah?" He asked, not wanting to be too rough._

_"Yes. Harder!" She screamed. She never wanted the pleasure to end._

_"Meredith...Oh my...Mer..." He moaned loudly. "Fuck..." He could feel her tightening around him._

_"I'm...oh god!" She shouted as she felt a rush of heat. "Harder...shit..."_

_"Fuck...I'm...oh..." He grunted as he thrust into her and released. He released her hands as she slid them down his sweaty back._

_"Oh my god." He said as he collapsed. He locked his eyes on hers, and watched the smile creep up on her satisfied face. He rolled off of her and stared at the ceiling. They both laid there, covered in sweat and panting._

_"Oh god, thank you..." She muttered softy. _

_"You are fucking amazing!" He panted as he looked over at her._

_"And you are...wow." She said as she rolled over and laid her head on his chest. He smiled as he ran his fingers through her hair. It had never felt like that. Not with anyone. He looked at her amazing body. She truly was perfection._

_Meredith woke up with the sun on her face, it was warm. A comfortable warm. She frowned as looked over at the empty spot where Derek had laid. Then it hit her. Bacon. She could smell bacon. He was cooking breakfast. She climbed out of bed and grabbed his pair of pajama pants on the floor. She threw them on, and rolled down the generous waist, letting them fall on her hips. She pulled on her shirt from the night before. He smiled as he watched her walk into the kitchen._

_"I hope you don't mind." She pointed to the pants._

_"Mind? What's mine is yours. And honey, they look much better on you than they do on me!" He said as he pulled her to the stove and kissed her softly. She stepped back and he took her in. "Much better..." [/i_

Derek stared sadly at the half empty bottle of scotch. This was how it was. Drown it out. He looked up at the stars. They reminded him of her eyes. Her bright green eyes. The ones that turned gray when she cried, and emerald during sex. He missed those eyes. And it seemed like everyday, they went farther from sight. It was harder and harder to picture them. And harder and harder to feel her touch.

He and Meredith loved the stars. She was the only girl that would sleep outside, right under them. Right on the ground. She always said that she could be anywhere. As long as she was with Derek, it just didn't matter. And he never told her, but he completely agreed. And he could do anything by her side.

"Oh. You're home." Kristy said as she slid the glass door open with a whoosh. She neared him and could smell the scotch. "And half in the bottle." She muttered. He looked up, waking from his thoughts.

"Where are they?" He growled nastily. He had had just enough to drink. Just enough to push him. To make him want to push.

"Where are what, Derek?" Kristy asked with a fake smile. The truth was, she was getting tired. Tired of the lies. Tired of being fake. Just tired.

"The pajama pants. The black-watch plaid pajama pants. The ones I told you to keep your damn hands off of." Derek said nastily as he glared at her.

"I have do idea what you are talking about." She giggled as she walked away. That was the last straw. He knew. He knew that she knew. She knew where they were.

"Where are they?" He asked as he stumbled through the sliding door, slamming it shut behind him. She jumped at the sound and turned around.

"I told you, I don't know." She snapped as she faced off with him. "You know what? You're losing your fucking mind, Derek. They are pants. Ugly cotton pants. That are so worn you can almost see through them. They're gross. You wear them days in a row. What the hell is wrong with you?" She spat as she glared into his angry eyes. She had never seen him look this way. "Crazy..."

"Where?" He said loudly with a deep voice. "Where?" He screamed.

He raised his hand. As a kid, never hit a girl. As a man, never hit a woman. But right now, that was all her wanted to do. Right now, he wanted to hurt her. Because right now, he was hurting. He was hurting and she had a part in it. He couldn't take it. The anger. The pain. The hatred. The sadness. The grief. It all boiled over. Like a pot of water, it poured out.

Kristy's eyes were fearful. She had never seen him so angry. It was stupid. Pants. Pajama pants. He was having a fit over pants. It wasn't normal. It wasn't right. She watched as Derek raised his fist. He slowly brought it back. She closed her eyes and braced herself. Crack.

"In the trash." She finally spoke quietly, as she glanced at the large hole he had just created in the wall next to her head. "Outside."

"I told you to keep your fucking hands off of them!" He yelled loudly as he stalked off.

Kristy fell into a puddle of tears. It hurt. It hurt because she was afraid. She knew he would never hurt her. Derek wasn't that way. What she was afraid of was the truth. What she was afraid to admit. What she refused to see. Her marriage was over. In fact, it had never really started. She pulled her knees up to her chest and laid her head on them. He wouldn't come to console her. And for the first time, she wasn't going to him either.

Derek stormed out the back door. How could she do it? What she trying to hurt him? He knew that she didn't know any better. That didn't mean that he wasn't angry. He want through the first can. Nothing. Second. Nothing. The third. There they were in a plastic bag. At least she didn't just throw them in. Into the dirty can.

Derek clutched the pants tightly in his hand. He walked out to the hammock in the backyard. He had never been able to lay in it. But tonight he could. Maybe Addison was right. Maybe she really was with him, and tonight, he really needed her to be.

[i_The drive home, Derek was on auto pilot. That was it. The end. In a matter of moments, it had all ended. His life. His future. His dreams. Over. The love of his life, gone. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do anything. He couldn't do anything. Not one thing. It hurt. It was numb, and yet it hurt. He was in a daze. A cloud. Everything around him was moving. But he was painfully still unable to move. Unable to function. _

_Derek found himself in their apartment. It was just the way it was the last day they had left together. He hadn't been home. Not to sleep. Not to live. He had lived at the hospital for the last month. Holding her hand. Reading to her. Talking about the past. Telling he the hospital gossip. Planning the future. Everything had stopped as he lived in that room. He could bring her back. He knew he could. No brain function, they said. It didn't matter. He knew better. She was in there. He just need more time. He needed to say the right words. He needed time. And time, time is what they wouldn't give him. They cut him out. Like he was no one. It wasn't his decision. Nothing was. And just like that. She was dead, and he killed her._

_He threw his clothes in his bag. He couldn't be here. Anywhere but here. Anywhere but their home. Anywhere but where they were so happy. It was his fault. He let her down. He couldn't bring her back. He didn't say the right things. Derek walked out of their apartment with his bag, not looking back. He couldn't. He couldn't be reminded of the guilt. It was his fault. She was young. And beautiful. And smart. He killed her_

_When he finally met his destination he pulled out some clothing. He wasn't planning on getting out of bed in a very, very long time. His life was over, and he was just going to lay there until he joined her. The tears fell when he pulled the pajama pants out of his bag. He lifted them to his nose. Her. He smelled her. So sweet. So perfect. Gone. Gone forever. He laid down in the bed, tears falling, clutching the pants tightly. She was gone. Gone forever. And no one could bring her back._

_---------------_

Meredith stirred lightly in her bed. A boy. In her bed. A man. She felt a man's arm wrapped firmly around her body. This wasn't good. This wasn't good at all. She thought back to the night before. She drank. A lot. It must have been a lot because that's all she remembered. The leaning pyramid of shot glasses. And Joe. The bartender's name was Joe. This was bad. It had been a long time since she made this mistake. Med school. Med school was the last time she had a boy in her bed. She looked at the hand and then herself. She was fully clothed and on top of the bed sheets. Maybe this wasn't going to be as bad as she thought.

The roll. The roll had to be perfect. Her body hurt in the mornings. Hell, it hurt all of the time. But mornings, they were worse, much worse. She had to be sure that once she saw his face she could roll off and run like hell. She rolled slowly, hearing her body pop, pop, pop. It always did. Her look of worry turned to relief as she stared into Mark's steely eyes.

"Mark, what the hell are you doing in my bed?" She grumbled as she looked him.

"Oh, you don't remember?" He said with a grin. She looked at his chiseled face. "Well, we had hot sex, then we dressed and laid on top of the bed." He laughed. "I always knew I'd get you into bed."

"You do realize how gross that sounds, right?" Meredith asked as she scrunched her nose.

"Yeah. Kinda like sleeping with my sister." He agreed.

Mark and Meredith had always been close. Mark, Addison, Derek and Meredith were best friends. Inseparable. Whenever Derek wasn't around, Mark was. He was her protector. He was the big brother and she was the baby. That's how it always was. He regarded her as his closest of family. His only true female friend. He and Addison were close, but he and Meredith were closer. In order of friends, it was Mark and Meredith, Derek and Addie. They just meshed that way.

"Pretty much." Meredith said with an agreeing nod.

"So I could make us some breakfast. I know you can't. I've had that experience. I think I was in the bathroom for two hours." He laughed. His arm was met with a light smack.

"I can cook... Okay, maybe not. But as to you cooking, I haven't shopped since I moved in...so good luck with that." She said with a frown.

"So what do you eat?" He asked as he looked at her.

"Um, whatever I come across... Usually something at the hospital. From the snack machine." Meredith told him regrettably.

"Oh, Derek would be pissed about that." He watched her reaction and frowned.

"Seriously, I am not talking about..." Meredith trailed off as she closed her eyes and rubbed her tired face.

"So dinner. What do you have for dinner?" He asked with a light frown.

"Tequila." She said honestly.

"Boy am I glad I found you..." Mark said with a chuckle. "Who knows how long you would have lasted."

"I am just fine by myself." Meredith said as she rolled over and off of the bed. He heard her grumble loudly.

"Are you okay?" Mark asked with a worried face as he stood up and went to the side of the bed.

"Mornings are the worst." She said honestly as she struggled to get up.

"The accident?" He asked with concern.

"Yeah." She said as she climbed to her feet with his help and walked to the closet. "I need to take a shower." She said as she walked in the bathroom.

"And I will try to find something to eat in this place." He grumbled.

Mark walked into the lavish kitchen. He frowned when he saw that is was indeed, lacking food. Mark listened to the water turn on. He heard the water running. How did it get to this point? He looked over his shoulder, half expecting Derek to walk out. Just like the old days. The days when everyone was happy. Maybe he made a mistake. Maybe he was wrong. Hell, he was wrong. He could have handled it differently. The last day. The last time he talked to his friend. Maybe it was a mistake... Maybe he was wrong...

_Mark walked down the somewhat familiar hallway of the cold sterile hospital. Derek called. He was in tears. A three hour drive. Mark drove three hours to be with his friend. He tried talking over the phone, but everything he said was inaudible. Whatever it was, he was distraught. Whatever it was, he knew had to do with Meredith._

_"What's going on?" Mark said as he approached Meredith's hospital room. Derek had his back against the wall, and his hands on his head._

_"They---They--- Richard--Ellis-- They're pulling the plug..." He finally managed to push out before his lips began to tremble and the tears fell. "Friday. They are pulling the plug on Friday."_

_He didn't just say that. Mark must have heard wrong. Meredith is young and strong. She's vivacious. She's a force to be reckoned with. She's Meredith freaking Grey. The only girl who could drink him under the table. The only girl that could hang with the boys and then wear a dress, even if she didn't want to. She is Meredith Grey. And there is no way, she is going to die._

_"What?" Mark spat nastily. His anger for Richard and Ellis was now pouring out and falling on Derek. Friday. Scheduled. It was scheduled? Probably around Ellis' precious work._

_"They just told me. They're pulling the plug..." He said as he looked into Mark's cold eyes._

_"No. No. No. Meredith is strong. She'll pull through. They can't kill her!" Mark shouted as he rubbed his face. "This fucking bullshit!" He yelled loudly. "She's eighteen. She's an adult. There has to be something we can do..."_

_"No. Ellis is Meredith's medical proxy. There' s nothing we can do. There is nothing we can do..." Derek cried as he leaned against the wall and slid down._

_"This is shit!" Mark screamed, feeling as if he was losing his baby sister._

_"I can't do anything..." Derek muttered softly. "They say I need to say goodbye. How the hell do I say goodbye to the love of my life?"_

_"Oh my god..." Mark moaned. He felt as if he had been hit in the stomach by a wrecking ball. Friends. They were all best friends. Sure they were leaving for college, but that wasn't going to change anything._

_"You need to say goodbye." Derek said as she stared blankly at the wall._

_"I'm not fucking saying goodbye, Derek!" Mark said angrily. _

_Mark paced quickly in front of the room. He looked in at her. She looked so soft. So comfortable. So peaceful. Alive. She looked alive. And to think, in a few days. In four days, she wouldn't be. Mark finally walked into the room and shut the door._

_"Hey, baaaby." He said in his usual way. She hated that. Maybe she would wake up just to spite him. "Sorry I haven't been around. I moved. Med school, you know. Der's supposed to start med school soon. But you know that. And you-- you were supposed to start at Dartmouth." He got out before doubling over and sobbing. _

_"It shouldn't be this way." He cried out. "You're my best friend. My best girl. My girl. My best girl. You're Der's girl. And my girl. This is...this is shit, man. I love you. I love you like family. I can't fucking say goodbye. How the fuck do I say goodbye? Shit!" He cried out. He softly grabbed her hand. "I can't do this..." He said as he struggled to breathe. "I am so sorry. This shouldn't have happened. You're just a kid..." He said with another sob. The room was getting small. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. "I love you, Mer. I love you." He said as he gave her a soft kiss. "I guess this is goodbye. And put a good word in for me. God knows I'll need it." He said as he turned and walked out. _

_The anger was building. He couldn't hold it in. Why did this have to happen. Why to her. Her of all people. She didn't deserve it. Not her. She was special. She was radiant. She was great. She was a good girl. He walked out and looked at Derek. He was driving the car. If he hadn't been driving... It wasn't his fault. But damn-it he was mad and had to take it out on someone._

_"Mark..." Derek said softly as he looked up._

_"This is your fault! This is on you. This is on you. You killed her!" He spat as he pointed his finger in his face. "You killed her." _

_Mark walked out. He never looked back to see that Derek had fallen into mush. His friend needed him. And he just left. He blamed him and he left. It was wrong. He knew it was wrong, but it was too late to go back as he walked down the hallway. He couldn't go back there, not for anything."_

Mark didn't cry. He wasn't that type of guy. But right now. Today. He cried. His shoulders shook violently as he placed his hands on the counter. He couldn't take it. The guilt. He blamed everything on his friend. It wasn't Derek's fault. He knew that. Even that day, in that moment, he knew it. But the anger had boiled over. He screwed up, and he regretted it daily. That day, he lost his friends. That day he lost both of his best friends in one fallow swoop.

"Mark?" Meredith asked softly as she neared Mark. She had never seen him cry. Not ever. "Are you okay?" She asked as she pulled him close. He looked as broken as she felt.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I--" He said as he held her. They held each other until his sobs stopped.

"You're crying." She said in shock as she looked into his red eyes.

"I'm sorry. I haven't cried since- Well, since the day I lost my friends." He said as he looked into her eyes. "I missed you..." He whispered as he placed a kiss on her forehead. "I missed my friend."

------------------

Meredith's day was not starting well. First Mark cried this morning. Mark Sloan does not cry. Never. Ever. This concerned her. It just wasn't natural. He said he lost his friends. He definitely referred to her as a friend. But who was the other friend? Derek? Addison? She wanted to know. She really did. But at the same time, if it had anything to do with Derek, she didn't want to hear about it.

And of course, to help the shitty day along, something happened to her car this morning. It stalled, and it didn't start. She ended up leaving it and grabbing a cab. Yep, this day was just going to get better and better.

"Hey." Kristy said as she walked into the patient's room.

"Hey..." Meredith said softly as she looked at her sleeping patient.

"So how are you today?" She asked softly so as not to wake the patient.

"Shitty." Meredith said frankly as she scribbled on the chart. "My car broke down. I had to take a freaking cab to work." Meredith said with a frown. "I guess it's just like the rest of my life." She muttered sadly.

"Listen, I'll take you home tonight after my shift. But not before we go out. You need a break. You need to relax. And I am dying for a drink." She said with an enticing grin.

"I don't know..." Meredith frowned as she looked at at her.

"Come on... You know you want to." Kristy said with raised brows.

"We'll see." Meredith said as she sat the chart down and grabbed another one. We'll see was Meredith's nice way of saying not a chance in hell.

"Okay. Let me know. An no avoiding. I'm a nurse, I know everything. I will hunt you down..." She said with a giggle as she walked away.

"What was that about?" A familiar voice said as he walked up behind her and leaned against the desk.

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"You have a friend..." He told her with a grin.

"More like a stalker." Meredith told him quickly. "And she wants me to hang out with her tonight. But I-- I don't do that. I like to go home. I like to drink my tequila and pass out."

"She likes you. It's cute. She like clingy, bubbly Addison." Mark pointed out. They both frowned and looked at the floor. Mark and Meredith had both drifted away from her. In fact, it felt like everyone had drifted away from Meredith.

"So..." Meredith said as she looked up at him.

"You should go." Mark said quickly. "Go. Have a good time. You need a friend..."

"You're my friend..." Meredith returned with a grin.

"That I am. But I'm not your girlfriend. Do it once, it won't kill you." Mark said with a smile as he walked away. "Come on..."

"You're a pain in the ass, you know that right?" Meredith shouted down the hall.

"Some things never change!" Mark shouted back.

"Your boyfriend?" She heard the heavy accent of her French attending say. Her head shot up as she looked at him.

"No. No, I don't have a-- He's a friend. An old friend." Meredith said as she looked back down at the chart.

"Oh, I see." Adrien said as he looked over at her.

"So, do we have anything scheduled?" Meredith asked, knowing there wasn't anything.

"Slow board." He grumbled.

"Dr. Grey?" Dena Eastman asked as she walked up.

"Yes?" Meredith spat as she looked up.

"What do I do?" Dena asked as she looked at them both.

"What do you think you do?" Meredith asked loudly.

"I finished the sutures in the pit." Dena said softly.

"Go watch that bowel resection that Bailey is doing." Meredith said, getting her out of her hair. "Interns." She moaned.

"Dumber everyday." Adrien laughed.

"You've got that right." Meredith said as she lanced over at him, their eyes meeting for a moment. "Well, I have to..."

"Yeah, me too." He said as he turned on his heel and walked away.

---------------

"I can't believe you finally caved!" Kristy giggled as she and Meredith walked towards her Mercedes.

"Yeah, me either." Meredith muttered as she walked around to the passenger side of the vehicle.

"So I have to stop home and change. I wore my scrubs in. You don't mind, do you?" Kristy asked as she started the car and pulled out of the hospital's lot.

"That's fine." Meredith said quickly.

"So where did you come from?" Kristy asked as she glanced over at Meredith.

"New Hampshire." Meredith said as she looked out the window.

"Really?" Kristy asked as she looked over.

"I went to Dartmouth." Meredith told her.

"My husband went there. And then to John's Hopkins for med school." Kristy told her as the pulled onto the freeway.

"Oh." Meredith replied.

"I'm from here. I never left. I just love Seattle. I love the rain." She said as drove.

"I am beginning to like the rain. But the ferry boats, I love the ferry boats." Meredith said as she thought about the last time she rode one with Derek.

"My husband likes them too. He says they're calming." Kristy explained.

"They are." Meredith agreed. She watched as they pulled into a large subdivision full of large homes. they were nice, but not where she would want to live. They pulled up to a large tan home.

"This is my humble abode. Well, not so humble, I guess." She said with a chuckle.

"It's nice." Meredith muttered.

"Well, come on..." Kristy said as she walked up to the house. "My husband isn't here. Not that he ever is." She said with a frown. "I'll be down in a few." She said as she headed upstairs. Meredith looked around the house. It felt familiar. It felt comfortable. But at the same time, it felt strange. There were no personal items around. No pictures. Nothing.

"Okay." Kristy said as she came down the stairs. "I'm ready."

"Let's go." Meredith said as they walked out of the house. She felt relieved to get out, and she had no idea why.

Meredith and Kristy stopped to get a bite to eat at the small restaurant and pub that Kristy had raved about. Maybe Mark was right. Maybe Meredith did need to lighten up. But how? How do you go on? How do you pretend that your life didn't end? That you didn't lose the love of your life.

"So my husband wigged out on me last night. All over some freaking pajama pants." Kristy said, shaking her head. "I threw them away. He was pissed."

"Well, were they comfortable?" Meredith asked frankly.

"I don't know." Kristy said with a shrug.

"You don't know? I always wore my boyfriend's pajamas. Much more comfortable" Meredith told him. "So yeah. If they're comfy, I'd be pissed too."

"But he had this weird attachment to them. I don't know...kind of like you are with those damn earrings. I see the way you wear them everyday. You always have your fingers on them" Kristy said as she pointed to them. Meredith's hand instinctively travelled to her ears.

"Oh my god!" She cried. "It's missing. I'm missing one!" She said as she looked around. "Shit!" She said as she jumped up. After searching with no avail, she finally gave up. "He got them for me..."

"The ass? The one that just left you?" Kristy asked with wide eyes.

"Yeah." Meredith agreed as she sipped her drink.

"If it had been me, they would have been off the back of the ferry tears ago!" Kristy said frankly.

"It's just..." Meredith tried to explain.

"Look, he left you. He just left. Is he dead? Did he die?" She asked quickly.

"I don't think so." Meredith said with a frown.

"So he didn't have a reason. He just left. Screw him. You can't put your life on hold for him. Forget his ass. It's time to move on..." Kristy told her loudly. Meredith's face dropped.

"But he is the love of my life." Meredith said as a tear slid down her cheek.

"Honey, it's time to fine a new one...I'm sure he has." She said frankly. Meredith sighed. Maybe she was right.

Derek stumbed into his dark house. She wasn't home. He had no idea where she was, and he didn't care. He hadn't talked to her after punching the wall. He knew he should. He knew it had scared the hell out of her, but he couldn't. She would never understand, and he would never tell her. What he felt for Meredith was deeper than anything he had ever felt. Meredith was sacred. She was a treasure. He wasn't sharing. Not even her memory.

Derek flipped the lights on in the house. This was not what he wanted. He didn't want this house. It looked like it was out a magazine. Contemporary. He wasnted something more lived in. Less fake. He had always thought by now they would have their kids. He an Meredith. Children that shared their features. Their maneurisms. Their love. But that didn't happen. And it never would.

Derek slipped off his leather shoes and left them by the door. Kristy hated that, and he didn't care. Part of the time he did it just to spit her. Just to be hateful. He walked towards the kitchen. His foot ran across something. It was tiny. It was sharp. He immediatley bent down to pick it up. His heart raced as he clutched it in his hand. It couldn't be. No way.

_The party was like it always was. No different from every other one she had ever had. A pool party. All of her friends. Or at least the ones she had left. She honestly wasn't even interested in them. She just wanted one person to be there. She wanted Derek._

_Ellis and Richard didn't make it comfortable for Derek to be around. Meredith got that. In fact, she supported him in his efforts to evade them whenever possible. The party was torture. She didn't want to be there. She wanted to be with Derek. Not with all of the fake people that called themselves her friend. She was so happy when it was over. Richard and Ellis rushed off to the hospital immediately after she opened her gifts. Just as she knew they would._

_"Hey." Meredith said softly as she opened the door. There he stood, his dark curls wet from the soft rain that was falling._

_"Happy birthday. Happy eighteenth birthday..." He said as he walked in and gave her a soft kiss._

_"Thank you." She said quickly._

_"So how does it feel? To be eighteen?" He asked as he follwed her to her room._

_"Refreshing. I don't know... I just feel... free." She said as she pulled one of his spare shirts out of her dresser. "Wear this." She said as she offered it to him. "Although I do think I like that alternative. Maybe I should just take this back?" She asked as she pulled the shirt back out of his grasp. He quickly peeled the wet shirt off, revealing his perfectly muscled chest._

_"Yep, that is definitely better!" She said as she ran her hands down his chest. She sat down on the bed, pulling him beside her. He quickly reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small box._

_"Here." Derek said as he stared into Meredith's eyes._

_"What's this?" She asked as she grabbed it._

_"Your present." He replied._

_"You didn't have to get me anything." She said with a smile._

_"Of course I did. Open it." He told her. She opened the tiny box and smiled. There was a pair of green ametyst earrings inside. They were beautiful. _

_"Oh Derek..." She said as she looked up at him. "You didn't have to." She told him. _

_They were expensive. She knew he didn't have a lot of money. The Shepherd's struggled. After his dad died, it was hard. Their mother did all she could to support them, but they all had to pay for their own college. Derek had done way too much. This was too mcuh._

_"They remind me of your eyes..." He said as he looked at them and then into her green eyes. "Happy birthday...I love you." He said as he kissed her softly._

Derek sat on the sofa. He was holding it. There was no mistaking it. It was her earring. The ones he had gotten her. The ones she wore everyday. How it got there, he had no idea. Had it mysteriously come from the other side? He heard of that happening. He always said it was complete nonsense. Was he losing his mind? Was this some alternate universe?

The only explaination was that she was there. In his house. He knew she hadn't been there. That was crazy. Addison said she was always with him. In spirit. He was losing his mind. Now things were materializing. He was going crazy. No matter what, he was holding it. He had it in his hand. And he was never letting go.

**So I'm pretty bad about A/N. A lot happened her. You will just keep learning more. But you really need to pay attention to every detail!**


	10. Taking Chances

Derek didn't speak to Kristy. He didn't want to. Especially when he could smell the sweet smell of alcohol on her breath. He didn't want to know. She was giggly. Smily. Derek looked out of the corner of his eye in the bed. He didn't want her to know he was awake. She had obviously had a good time. And he was secretly hoping she would have a better one. With someone else.

Derek laid there in the bed quietly. She went through her routine. One that he knew painfully all too well. She changed and pulled the blankets back, climbing beneath. He heard Kristy sigh as she laid her head on the pillow next to him. She wanted to talk. He could tell by the way she was tossing. By the way she would huff quietly. He was waiting. It was coming.

"Derek. I know you're not asleep." She said as she looked over at his face. "Your breathing changes. It's not something you can fake. I know you. Just admit it."

"I'm awake." He said with a moan. "Where were you?" He asked, not really caring. Admittedly, he was curious, for lack of any better stimulation.

"I was out to eat with my friend, Mer. We had a good time. Then we went to Joe's." She said with a smile as she snuggled up to him. "And now, I'm horny." She said as she tugged on his ear with her teeth.

"And I am tired." He said as he pursed his lips.

"Why? Why can't we just have sex. Like normal people. It's been so fucking long. I can only do so much myself." She whined.

"Kristy...I just...I can't. I--" He stammered.

"What? Do you have erectile dysfunction or something?" She snapped as she looked over.

"Yes." He couldn't believe he said it. It was a lie. A huge lie. In fact he was far from having erectile dysfunction. One look at a picture of Meredith and a fond memory and the flag was flying high. It was her, it was Kristy. It was the guilt.

"They have medication." She said as she looked over.

"You think I don't know that?" The lie was becoming real as he defended his fact symptom. "Side effects. So you had a good time tonight?" He said, changing the subject.

"It was fun. It was...different. In a good way." Kristy explained.

"That's nice." Derek said as he looked at the inside of his eyelids.

"It was. For the first time, in a long time...I just...I felt human." She explained with a sigh. "She's so sad. I don't know how to help her. She seems to be coming along. And then she's not. Whoever hurt her...they hurt her bad."

"That's not good." Derek said with a sigh. What the hell was he doing? He didn't care about her friend or her problems.

"Yeah. She just needs to move on. She needs to find happiness. She just waits. She won't admit it, but she waits. I actually think that she thinks he will come back. It's been over a decade. He's not coming back." She said with a frown.

"Why do you care?" He asked as he opened his eyes and looked into her blue ones.

"What?" She said with confusion.

"Why do you care about her?" Derek asked. He was getting irritated.

"I just do. She's a nice person. She needs my help. I want to make a difference." Kristy explained softly.

"But why? Nothing you say will matter. Maybe she doesn't want your help. You meddle. Maybe she wants peace. Maybe she's happy being miserable." Derek pointed out.

"Like you?" Kristy asked with a huff.

"I don't want to talk about it." Derek mumbled.

"Of course not. You never do. You like to be miserable. I think you are perfectly happy being a dick." She snapped.

"Do you think I like being unhappy? Do you think I like to suffer daily? I hate it. I want to snap out of it. But I can't. It wouldn't be right. I don't deserve to!" He said as he closed his eyes.

"Derek...just...just talk. Let it out." She told him as she rubbed his shoulder.

"What are we doing?" Derek asked as he looked over at her. "What are we doing here?" He looked at her shocked face.

"What do you mean?" Kristy said with a frown.

"We aren't happy. Neither of us are happy. I'm not. I won't be. I can't make you happy, and quite frankly I don't have the energy or the will to try. This is...why?" Derek muttered.

"What? I'm happy. I am happy." Kristy said in shock.

"No you're not. And I am not. This is a waste of time. We need to end it. We need to end our suffering." Derek said frankly. He watched as his wife crumbled in front of him.

"No, Derek! I love you, I love you. I don't want-- I need you. I need more time. We can be happy. I can make you happy!" She cried as the tears flowed. "Please. Don't give up. Not on me. Not on us..."

"I'm leaving tomorrow. I have a consult. I should be gone for a few days." He said quickly before he rolled over. "Goodnight." He said as he felt the bed shake. Her tears flowing freely as she grasped to hope, praying he didn't mean it.

------------------

Meredith stumbled out of Kristy's sedan and to her door. She took the chance. She pushed herself beyond where she wanted to go. She went outside her realm. And she didn't die. She didn't suffer. It wasn't bad. She put herself out there. She stuck her foot in the water. And she survived.

Meredith poked at the keyhole. She was just slightly impaired. Maybe a little more than slightly. It was apparent as she jabbed and jabbed at the keyhole. She even bent down and closed an eye to get a better look. Finally she managed to get it open. She was shocked when she looked in and saw a few lights on. She fished around for the mace in her purse. Someone was here and she was going to get them. Armed with her mace, she moved her way into the kitchen. The refrigerator door was open. The criminal was eating. Stupid sucker had no idea that she didn't have food.

"Hey!" She shouted. The figured quickly stood. She pressed her finger down on the trigger. It didn't go down. "Damn-it!" She shouted as she worked on it. She finally looked up. "Mark!" She said as she realized who it was.

"Boy, I'd love to be a burglar in your house. I have more than enough time to get you." Mark said with a laugh as he pulled out a package of turkey and started making a sandwich.

"Stupid thing!" She shouted as she pushed harder.

"It's locked." Her said as he grabbed it away. "And I'll take it. Before your spray yourself in the eyes."

"Hey!" She shouted. "Hey! What the hell are you doing?" She asked as she watched him grab some bread.

"It's called eating. You should try it sometime. Much better than living off of tequila and cheetos." He said with a smirk.

"Tequila and cheetos are fine." She retorted. "Where did you get this stuff. And more importantly, why are you in my house?" She asked as she walked up.

"Well, you invited me. Even gave me a key." He reminded her as he threw the meat on the bread.

"I gave you a key for emergencies." Meredith pointed out as she weaved. "The food?"

"I bought you groceries. Someone has to take care of you. You obviously don't!" He said with a laugh as he took a bite. "So, you smell like you bought the bar..."

"I'm good." Meredith said as she grabbed a glass of water.

"Uh huh." Mark muttered as he put the mayonnaise, bread and meat away. He began walking to the living-room.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked as she followed him. She watched him plop down on the sofa and eat.

"Hanging out. Friends do that, you know." He responded as he flipped the channels on her t.v.

"When they're invited. Friends do that when they are invited. You're intruding." She whined as she sat down next to him.

"You know you want me here." He told her quickly as he shot her a grin.

"If I did, I would tell you." Meredith told him loudly. She grabbed his sandwich out of his hand and took a bite. "And I do not." She said with a full mouth.

"Hey! That's mine." He said as he pulled it back.

"You shopped for me, remember?" She asked as she laid down and put her feet on his lap. "And if you're going to hang out, I demand a foot rub." She told him frankly.

"I'm beginning to think you're the type of friend that takes advantage." He said with a chuckle.

"I am." She told him with a giggle.

"So did you have a good time?" He asked her after he swallowed his last bite.

"With Kristy? It was okay, I guess." Meredith said tiredly. "She complains about her husband a lot. But it's so much better than talking about me." Meredith explained.

"You needed a chick to hang out with." Mark said as he looked at her.

"I have one... You." She giggled as she shoved her feet at him. "Rub!"

"Grey...you are still a pain in the ass!" He said as he rolled his eyes.

"I know." Meredith said happily. "Hey...have you talked to Addison lately?" Meredith said, and immediately regretted it.

"Um...Well, no. Not since- It's been a long time. But I heard she was in Los Angeles." Mark said, somewhat surprised that Meredith brought it up.

"I miss her." Meredith said quickly. This was uncharacteristic of her. Especially lately.

"What did you drink?" Mark asked out of curiosity.

"Um... Apple martinis and jello shooters." Meredith said with a giggle.

"No tequila?" He asked, laughing at the way the different alcohol affected her.

"Nope." She told him with a smile. "Ohhh...harder!" She moaned as he kneaded her feet.

"You know, I'm not the one that should be rubbing your feet." Mark pushed, praying he wasn't pushing too far. "That should be Derek..." He immediately sucked in air, waiting for the storm.

"Well, he made it clear that he didn't want that." Meredith muttered grumpily.

"What do you mean?" Mark pressed he watched her face scrunch up.

"He walked away. That pussy just freaking walked away. It got tough, and he just left me. He couldn't stick around..." She said, getting angry.

"What? Derek wouldn't do that..." Mark said in shock.

"He did. "See ya, later Mer. Don't want to stick around for this!" I just... I thought he loved me. Oh, Mark...I thought he loved me!" Meredith started to cry.

"Oh, Mer..." Mark said as he grabbed her arm and pulled her up against him. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." He said softly. Now he was regretting bringing it up.

"Yeah, well, I need to get over it. He did. Now I will." Meredith said as she straightened up.

"Mer-" Mark said, reading her hostility.

"No. Don't. Don't Mer me. He left me. I don't care about him. I don't care where he is. I don't care what he's doing. I've suffered. And I hope he's suffering too." She spat out as she stood up and stormed off.

"I'm sure he is..." Mark moaned as he watched her walk off. "Positive."

Mark knew Derek. He knew how they felt about each other. He knew that Derek wasn't the type to walk away when it got tough. He knew that Meredith was the love of his life. He knew how crushed Derek had been. And in the back of his head, he couldn't help but wonder if he had a very good reason for leaving.

----------------

Derek woke up early. This was something he was looking forward to, but at the same time, he was dreading. Part of him was hoping she wouldn't be there. Hoping there was a huge misunderstanding. Hoping that he would wake up tomorrow and find out that she was there all along. That it was a horrible dream.

Derek met Addison at the airport. He was so grateful that he had her to go along with him. For so long, he was used to doing things on his own. Used to suffering in silence. But Addie, she made him feel better. She gave him a faint ray of hope.

"Addison, you know I appreciate this, right?" Derek mumbled as she sat beside him on the plane.

"Derek, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else." She said as she patted his hand.

"It's nice. It's nice to have someone that gets it. Someone who knows what happened." Derek said with a sigh as he fastened his seat belt.

"Sometimes you just need to talk. To get it out." Addison explained as she looked over at him. "Do you talk to Kristy. She's your wife, right?" It stung to hear her say it. He felt guilty. Like he shouldn't have moved on. But he didn't he didn't really move on.

"Yeah. Kristy, she's great. But she's not Meredith. I know it's wrong. God, do I know...But I hate her. I hate her because she's not Meredith. And I won't talk to her. I wont; let her know. She doesn't deserve to know Meredith. She's a great person, she's just--" He stated with a sigh.

"She's not your person." Addison suggested.

"Exactly." Derek said with a nod.

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?" She asked as she studied his face.

"Anything..." He told her honestly.

"Why did you marry her? If you hate her, why marry her?" She asked dumbly with confusion.

"Mom." Derek stated quickly. "It was my mom. Kristy and I... I met her at a bar. I was sad, and drunk. So drunk. Tanked. Completely out of it. We went home, we had sex. That was it. It was stupid. It was a mistake. I hadn't slept with anyone since...well. And if I hadn't- Mom was in town. Kristy kept calling and calling. I'm still not sure how she got my number. Mom convinced me to call her back. She said I needed to move on. I did. I thought maybe she would be some miracle cure-all. She wasn't. Not even close. I tried. Everyone loved her. The whole family loved her. I just fell into the trap. We got married. It was a small wedding. Even as I said "I do", I knew it was the biggest mistake of my life. I figured I had suffered all that time, why not continue. The sad thing is, she really loves me. She really cares." Derek said sadly.

"Oh, Derek..." Addison said with a frown.

"I told her last night that something had to change. That I was going to change. They we needed t figure out what we are going to do. Mom's against divorce, but I can't do it. And she's too nice to suffer alongside me." He told her as he looked at his blackberry.

"At least you know. At least you can admit it. A lot of people can't." Addison told him.

"I've known for three years." He admitted as he took a sip of his drink.

"I'm sorry this had to happen. In my wildest dreams...I never would have thought it would be like this..." She muttered as she looked at her own blackberry.

Addison and Derek remained in a comfortable silence for the remainder of the flight. Addison could see that he was hurting. She knew he needed to get it out. But at the same time, she knew Derek. And Derek didn't want to get it all out. His self-destruction was all too evident, and there was nothing she could do. The pain was boiling inside of him. She was hoping that just maybe seeing Meredith's grave, seeing that she was gone would help. Maybe it would bring him back from the dead.

Derek and Addison grabbed a rental car from the airport. He didn't realize how many memories were going to wash over him. The minute his feet touched the soil, he was hit hard. He had promised himself that he would never come back here. Never come back to the place that took her away.

"So where to first?" Addison asked as she climbed into the passenger seat.

"We should probably drop our things off at the hotel." Derek said as he started the engine. "Maybe get something to eat. Take a nap. I think we should start tomorrow." He said quickly. The truth was that he didn't want to go. He was dreading it. It was overwhelming.

"Derek..." Addison said as she sighed. "I know what you're doing..." She told him frankly.

"Addie, it's three in the afternoon. We won't make any progress today. Not to mention the flight took everything out of me." He said as he pulled down the familiar street.

"Oh, so when you do a consult, do you require one full day of rest?" Addison asked sarcastically.

"This is different, and you know it!" He said quickly with a huff.

"Tomorrow is fine. But I did not come back here to do nothing. I did not take off work to sit in the hotel. Derek, you are not backing out!" She shouted as she looked over at him.

"I'm not. I am not backing out. I need to know." He said quickly. "And tomorrow, we will know."

Derek drove down the road with distraction. Addison could see it. He was on edge. For good reason. This was a big step. But it was necessary. He felt too much guilt. Guilt about not being there when she died. Guilt about not going to the funeral. Addison was just hoping that this would help. Seeing her name on the stone, may make a world of difference.

Addison snapped back to reality as she head Derek gasp. His foot hit the break, causing them both to fly forward, barely caught by the seat belts. She watched him. He was frozen. Completely frozen. She screeched when she heard the screaming brakes coming from behind. The car came to a quick halt. The color drained from Derek's face. He quickly opened the door and vomited.

"Derek..." Addison said in shock. Then it hit her. "This is where is happened, isn't it?"

Derek didn't have to answer. She could read it on his face. She watched as he drove off, white knuckled from the intersection. She didn't know how he did it. Just seeing his face, it was apparent that the struggle going on inside was a daily one.

"I'm just going to go to my room." Derek said as he carried his bag down the hallway. "If you want to go out to eat, we can... But--"

"It's not a big deal. Room service suits me just fine." She said with a smile. She knew he was in no state to go out. And she also knew that at the moment, he truly did need to be alone.

"Thanks, Addie." He muttered as he opened his door with the card and walked away.

Derek collapsed on the bed. He couldn't take it. He couldn't face anyone at the moment. He just wanted to be alone. He wanted to sulk. He wanted to be miserable. He laid there on the hotel bed, just wondering how it ended up this way.

Derek woke up at eight in the evening. He couldn't sit in the stuffy room anymore. He grabbed his wallet and his key card and walked out. He needed some air. He needed to walk. He needed to think. He walked down the road on auto pilot. His mind somewhere very far away. He looked up in shock at just where his feet had carried him. He walked over to the step and sat, head in hands.

_[i"We're actually doing it!" Meredith squealed as she jumped out of Derek's car. Derek smiled at her excitement. "They're here!" Meredith bounced as she looked over at the moving truck. Derek climbed out of the car and made his way to the the building, opening the door._

_"Let's go up." Derek said with a smile as he grabbed her hand and led her up the stairs and opened the door to their new home. "Do you like it?" He asked as they looked around the modest apartment. "I know it's not what you're used to."_

_"Derek, it couldn't be more perfect. And you are here. I can live anywhere, as long as you are by my side." She said with a smile. "I love you, future Dr. Derek Shepherd." She said as she jumped into his arms. "And this is one of the best days of my life."[/i_

Derek's fond memory of the apartment soon faded. It was quickly replaced by the memory of his last day. The day he picked a few of his things up and left forever. The day when he ran away. When he chickened out. He put his hands over his face as he began to cry.

"Are you okay, sir?" A man asked as he walked up to the steps.

"Um... Yeah I'm-- I'm fine." Derek stammered as he looked up at the man.

"Are you sure? Can I help you?" The older man asked with worry.

"I used to live here. Upstairs." Derek said as he glanced up.

"That's mine now." The man said with a smile. "Would you like to take a look. Reminisce?" He asked him.

"I can't." Derek replied quickly. "I shared it with my girlfriend. She died." That stung. He never said that. He never admitted it. Never she's dead. Never she died. He never spoke about that.

"Oh, I'm sorry." The man said sympathetically.

"Thanks..." Derek muttered as he stood and walked off.

He was amazed at how far his feet had carried him. Every look down the road brought back a memory. He had a head full of them. That was how he went on daily. He would close his eyes and think of her.

Derek crashed into his bed. He was exhausted. Physically and mentally. The walk had done him in. The crying wore him out. And the memories drained him. He had never been so happy to lay down in a strange bed in his life.

Derek awoke early, ready for it. Sleep had brought him peace. Although he did awake in the middle of the night as always, in a cold sweat, the dream hadn't been so graphic. He took a quick shower and dressed. Derek finished bucking his belt when he heard a knock at the door. He quickly walked over, knowing it was Addison.

"Drink this. And eat this." She said as she handed him a cup of coffee and a muffin.

"I'm not really hungry." He muttered as he grabbed them both.

"Too bad. We aren't going anywhere until both are consumed." She said with a grin as she sat in the chair.

"You are a pain." He grumbled as he took a bite.

"This is what Meredith would want. Someone taking care of you." Addison said as she looked at her BlackBerry.

"Don't. Addie, don't tell me what she'd want. Please, let's not talk about her right now." He said as he looked down. She glanced up at him and back down without saying a word.

"Okay, let's go." He said as he grabbed a piece of paper and the keys.

"Right behind you." She said as she followed him. "So where to first?"

"Well, there are a couple in Hanover. I think we should go there." Derek said as he looked down the paper.

"Sounds good." She agreed as she followed him to the car. "It would be better if we didn't have to do this at all." She said, then immediately regretted saying it.

Derek drove the whole way in silence. Neither spoke. Addison knew better at the moment. He was on edge. On edge for good reason. They both looked at the sign as they pulled into the cemetery. Derek followed the drive, pulling in front of the office. Addison followed him in.

"Can I help you?" The old man at the desk asked as they walked in. Derek felt sick. The small building was stale. It smelled of death.

"Yes. We were hoping to find out if someone is here. Buried here." He clarified shakily.

"What's the name?" The old man asked as he looked up.

"Grey. Meredith Grey." Derek responded.

"Hmm. I've worked here a long time. Don't remember that one. Let me check." He said as he walked away. Derek's heart pounded. He had no idea what he was going to say. He felt his palms becoming sweaty. "Nope. No Meredith Grey here." He said with a faint smile.

"You're sure?" Derek asked, praying he would say that he was sure.

"Positive. You have a nice day." The man said as he watched them walk out.

"This is good, right?" Derek said with hope.

"Derek. Just because she isn't here-- Just don't get your hopes up." She said with a frown.

"There is no hope." He said as he dropped his head. "I know she's dead. I know."

Addison and Derek travelled to the next cemetery. Addison didn't attempt to speak. She couldn't. She was praying Meredith would be there. She was praying he would be put out of his misery. He had to be. It was torture just watching him. She frowned at the woman said there was no Meredith Grey. One left. At least in the area. they didn't know Meredith. They didn't know her family. She could be anywhere.

Addison smiled as they pulled into the cemetery with it's iron gates. It was beautiful. Well-kept. Both of them thought that of she were dead, this was where she deserved to be. The flowers were beautiful. The grounds were well manicured. Derek pulled up to the office. This one was warmer. Newer. Softer. It just felt better.

"How can I help you?" A middle aged man asked as he glanced up.

"I need to find out if someone is buried here." He said quickly. This felt different.

"No problem. What's the name?" He asked with a grin.

"Meredith Grey." Derek said as his heart beat out of his chest. His pulse quickened. Sweat formed. He was scared.

"Ahh...Grey. G-R-E-Y, Meredith?" He asked as he glanced up. Derek nodded his head in disbelief. "Just around the corner. Follow the drive to where it splits. Go left. She'll be in the back. By the lavender. You're the first to come and see her in a long time..." He said quickly.

"Thank you." Derek managed to choke out.

When they climbed into the car, Derek lost it. The tears flowed fast and hard. He was broken. Addison was in shock. This was more intense than she had ever seen. Not just out of him. Anyone. After several minutes he quit crying and started the car, making his way down the drive. He glanced through blurry, teary eyes off in the distance. He saw the lavender. How fitting. She loved lavender. It was her scent. How fitting that she lay next to it.

"Do you want me--" Addison started.

"I need to do this alone." He said as he climbed out of the car.

Derek felt a force pushing him in all directions. He couldn't believe it. It was so much. So much was going on inside of him. Every step was painful. Every step was full of uncertainty. He walked until he reached the stone. It was large. All he had to do was glance through his tear filled eyes. Derek collapsed onto his knees and to the ground. Meredith Grey.

------------------

"Why are you still here?" Meredith whined as she walked into the kitchen with a moan. She quickly grabbed her neck and back. She was surprised to see him still in her home.

"I stayed in your guest room. It's not like you use it anyway." Mark said with a shrug as he took a bite of his cereal.

"Not for you. The guest room is not for you." She said as she poured her coffee.

"I have to say that bed is comfortable. I'm thinking about just staying." He said with a signature grin.

"Staying. As is staying?" She asked in shock.

"Well, I was going to work up to it, but sure. You need someone to take care of you. Plus you have the extra room. The hotel sucks. It's a win win." He explained.

"More like a win lose. Me being the loser. You can't stay. I like being alone." She said loudly.

"You need someone to keep track of you. It's not like you bring guys home... And if you did, I wouldn't care." Mark said nonchalantly.

"No." She told him.

"Aren't enjoying that already made coffee?" He asked as he watched her take a sip.

"Now I didn't say that." She said with a smirk as she sat down. She opened her bottle of pain pills and threw a couple back.

"You could have that daily." He pointed out. "Those things will kill ya." Mark said as he grabbed the bottle.

"Only if I'm lucky." She said with a chuckle.

"That's not funny. Do you really need these?" He asked as he shook the container.

"What do you think?" Meredith said with a frown. Mark closed his eyes and moaned.

"Yeah, I guess you would." Mark said with a look of pain. "So why did he leave?"

"What? Who?" Meredith said as she sat up straight in her chair.

"Derek. Why did Derek leave?" Mark pressed. Her face dropped quickly.

"I said I didn't want to talk about it." She said as she stood up from her chair.

"Last night you did. Last night you were very talkative... Last night you said he left." Mark pushed as he stood up with her.

"Damn-it, Mark! It's non of your goddamn business!" She shouted as she started to walk away.

"It is. It is because I'm your friend. Because I love you. And he was my best friend. And now he's not because of-- He isn't the kind of guy that leaves. Derek does not leave. Not with out a damn good reason." Mark spat. Meredith stopped walking and glared at him.

"Well he did. I guess he didn't love me." She said as a tear fell down her cheek.

"What the hell happened?" Mark said quickly. "What happened before he left."

"I don't know he just--" Meredith said as she covered her face.

"Did he leave before or after they pulled the--" He started and his pager went off. "911...shit. I have to go." He said as he threw his shoes on and opened the door. "Oh, and good morning."

"Yeah. Good morning." She grumbled.

Meredith walked down the hallway in a hurry. She was busy, beyond busy. Back to back surgeries all day long. She couldn't get the conversation out of her head. _Derek isn't the kind of guy that leaves. Not without a reason._ But he did leave. He did leave without an apparent reason. He walked away. He said he loved her. Then he walked out forever. Meredith glanced at the surgical board. She and Dr. de Gaulle had a coronary bypass graft scheduled in an hour. Just enough time for her to grab a coffee and sit down for the first time today.

"Mocha latte and this." Meredith said as she pushed a chocolate muffin over.

"That;s a lot of chocolate." Adrien told her.

"I like chocolate." She said matter of factly.

"That'll be 3.75." The guy said quickly.

"I've got it." Adrien said as he fished the cash out of his wallet. "And I'll have a double espresso."

"I can get my own coffee." Meredith said as she glanced up at him.

"I'm sure you can. But I can too." He said in his thick accent.

"Well, thank you." She replied. "But it really wasn't necessary."

"Not a problem." Adrien said as he followed her to the seats. They both sat down. "So are your ready for this?"

"A CBG, of course." She said with a nod.

"Good. Grab one of your interns. Make it Carter." He said as he glanced over.

"Sure thing." Meredith agreed. "I think he's more interested in cardio than anyone else."

"I have to go check on a patient." He told her as he stood.

"Thanks for the coffee." Meredith said as he walked away. She laid her head back and sighed. Her neck was killing her. She heard the familiar pop as she rolled it around.

"So did he do it?" Kristy asked with a huge smile, as she walked up.

"Who do what?" Meredith muttered as she drank her coffee.

"de Gaulle. Did he ask you out?" She asked as she stared a hole into Meredith.

"What is this, high school?" Meredith answered as she rolled her eyes. "Besides, he's not like that. He's not interested."

"Sure. de Gaulle is smitten with you. All the nurses thought he was in the closet. He never talked about a girlfriend or wife. But he's talking now. Talking about you..." Kristy told her happily.

"Okay..." Meredith said, unbelieving.

"This might be your chance. He might be the guy to make you forget about that loser asshole." Kristy said happily.

"No. No guy. No attending. No boyfriends. No dates. Nothing." Meredith replied firmly.

"Mer, it's time you give it a chance. You deserve to be happy. Promise he if he asks you, you'll at least give it one chance..." Kristy said as she grabbed her arm. "Please... I know what I'm talking about."

"That's why you're in a loveless marriage." Meredith spat. Kristy gave her a dirty look. "You said it, not me."

"Come on..." Kristy asked.

"Fine. A drink. One drink. Then never again. Never." Meredith said as she stomped away. She didn't know why she cared. She knew he wasn't going to ask. There was nothing to worry about.

---------------

Addison sat there and watched her friend from the car. She watched as he ambled over to her grave. Her fears were confirmed when he collapsed. She hadn't expected that. She hadn't expected him to fall apart. Derek Shepherd was hard. He was a guy who didn't cry, didn't care too much. Sure, he had feelings, but he had never let them show. Apparently that had changed. Apparently, fourteen years ago, Meredith had changed him.

Addison felt like her heart was breaking along with his. Meredith had been like her little sister. She always felt like she needed to protect her. And she had always protected her. But then she failed. She left. She went off to college. Meredith knew she had to go to college, but it still hurt to see her go. A tiny thought in the back of her head was hoping that it was all a bad dream. Hoping that Meredith would just walk in one day and giggle her sweet giggle.

_[iRight about now if i'd found the right words to say_

_I'd tell you you're safe and take hold of your hand_

_I'll be there by your side for the rest of your life_

_Our bodies could fall off the end of the world[/i_

"Mer, I am so sorry." Derek sobbed as he laid his head on the fresh green grass. The faint smell of lavender ensnared his senses. He felt like she was laying right beside him. He felt as if he could reach over and grab her hand.

_[iSomething told me we'd be happy forever_

_I don't see how this could change any of that_

_I will follow your ghost as it climbs up the rock-face_

_And lie with you on the grass above[/i_

"If I had more time. If I could have made you listen. You would have come back. I didn't have time. There wasn't enough time..." He cried. It was hard to imagine. She was just beneath him. Laying in a box, hands folded. Quiet. Still. Cold. Dead.

_[iAnd i'd like to change all this_

_And i'd like to wake up from this_

_By your side[/i_

"Everyday I wish it were me. You could still be here. Maybe you'd be happy. Maybe you'd moved on. Maybe you would have done so much more than I had. I can't. I'm stuck. I can't forget you." Derek said softly. "Because I love you too much."

_[iHow did we ever survive for this length of time_

_Living with only one care in the world_

_But the light that shines from her whenever she's happy_

_Is worth every minute that we've saved ourselves[/i_

_[iAnd i'd like to change all this_

_And i'd like to wake up from this_

_By your side[/b_

Derek had always thought he could get her to come back. They said there was no brain function. They said she was gone. He didn't believe it. She was in there. He had matained the same thought the whole time. She was in there. He didn't care what the monitors said. He just had to reach across the gap and bring her back. And he could have...if he had more time.

_[iMaybe there's a hope in just one final second_

_A flash of her love as she waves us goodbye_

_Don't torture yourself with what we might have given_

_We did everything that we could ever do[/i_

Addison felt the tears burning her face, smearing her make up. She didn't care. She glanced over at Derek again. She had to go over there. She couldn't leave him there. Not like that. She thought it would help. She thought it was best. Now she was truly wondering if she was right.

"Derek?" She said as she quietly walked up. "Der..." She said as she looked at him with pity. He was a sight for sore eyes. A puddle of mush. She looked sadly up at the stone. Her eyes bulged out in shock. "Derek! Get up..." She said quickly.

"Not now, Addie, not now!" Derek said as he glanced up.

"Derek, you fool. Look at the stone!" She said as she pointed to the stone with her perfectly manicured finger.

[c[b**Meredith Elaine Grey**

**March 20, 1924-August 28, 1975**[/b[/c

"That's not her!" Derek said in a somewhat relieved shock.

"No shit!" Addison said as she stared at the stone.

"But-- Who-- Who do you think that is?" Derek said as he stared at it, reading the dates over and over again.

"I think it's her grandmother." Addison said as she stared at the stone. "When was Meredith born?"

"1974." Derek said quickly. "Oh my god, Addie. Oh my god."

"Derek. Don't!" Addison said quickly. "Don't get your hopes up." Derek pulled himself to his feet and walked over to the lavender plant, breaking a piece off and placing it on the grave.

"This is grandmother. Wouldn't she be buried by her family?" Derek asked with hope.

"Derek. That doesn't-- I don't mean to be harsh, Derek... She's dead. You know she's dead. We just need to find where she is. And you refuse to speak to Ellis Grey. She could be anywhere. They may have cremated her. Derek, we don't know. This was just the most likely place, but it doesn't mean anything. Don't do it, Derek. Don't do this to yourself. Don't have hope when there isn't even the chance." Addison said as she pulled him close. "You know she's gone."

"No, Addie. She just-- She doesn't feel gone. I never felt like she was actually gone." Derek said quickly as he walked to the car. Addison quickly ran around the side and jumped in.

"We need to go home." She said as she glanced over at him. "I'll do it."

"Do what?" Derek snapped as he threw the car into drive.

"I will talk to Ellis Grey. I will find out." Addison told him.

"Addison..." Derek said as his voice softened.

"I will talk to her. I'll ask her. Then we'll know once and for all." Addison said firmly. "This has become a wild goose chase. It's crazy. We tried. There are other ways to find out, and this is not practical."

"You're right." Derek said with a sigh. "She's gone. Damn-it. I don't know what's wrong with me. All these years-- It's like all of the sudden I've lost my mind. I just need to accept it. Meredith is gone, and she is not coming back." He said sadly. He hand drifted done to his pocket, feeling the earring. "Let's stop at the hotel and grab our things. I want to go back to Seattle. I want to get the hell out of New Hampshire." He said as he drove. "This was foolish."

"Okay." Addison agreed with a frown. She was amazed that he had changed his tune so quickly. That he had went to swearing that she was alive, to swearing that she was dead. Maybe it had finally hit him. This wasn't a new thing. It was a conspiracy. It wasn't as if they just found out. They knew. In their hearts, they both knew. And now Addison would talk to Ellis, and ease their minds, once and for all.

**Sorry I posted the wrong one...**


	11. Trying to Help

Meredith scrubbed in on a coronary bypass graft with Adrien. The whole time, Kristy's words kept ringing in her head. _He's talking about you. He's going to ask you out..._ It seemed to juvenile. So stupid. Kristy was wrong. Adrien de Gaulle is the most sought-after surgeon in the country. He is professional. He is driven. He is not interested in a messy, emotional train wreck of a resident. Meredith looked up and caught his gaze as he made his finishing stitch.

"Can you close?" He asked as he looked up at her.

"Of course." Meredith said with a nod as she approached the table.

He stepped away and walked into the scrub room. Meredith glanced up at him, washing his hands. He went to walk out of the scrub room, then turned on his heel and stood against the wall. She wondered why he was sticking around. More, really, she worried why.

"Thanks, everyone." Meredith said as she finished up and walked out. "Is everything okay?" Meredith asked as she walked into the scrub room.

"Of course, why?" He asked as he looked at her.

"You stuck around. I just wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong." Meredith said as she grabbed a paper towel.

"Oh no. You were...perfect. I just-- I--" He stammered. Meredith wanted to laugh. A world renowned surgeon with a huge ego, was stammering.

"Spit it out." Meredith said, and quickly regretted. She knew better than to be so informal with her boss. "Sorry..."

"Meredith...would you-- Can I buy you a drink? Tonight, at Joe's?" He finally said with a smile.

"Um... You're my boss. My teacher..." Meredith said quickly.

"This is true. But you are a resident. And it is just a drink." He said matter-of-factly.

"Um...Tonight?" Meredith said as she scrunched her face.

"One drink." He said, trying to entice. "A free drink."

"One drink. Tonight. Joe's. 8 o'clock." Meredith said with a nod. "I have to check on a patient." She said as she stumbled out of the scrub room.

"Dude...that was...not so smooth." Dr. Carter said as he looked over.

"How do you know, you weren't even in here..." Adrien said quickly.

"What?" Dr. Carter asked, not being able to understand him.

"She agreed, didn't she?" Adrien said with an arrogant grin as he walked out.

It wasn't long after Danny Carter talked to Adrien de Gaulle, that the whole hospital knew about their not-really-a-date, date. In fact, it went from a drink. To a date. To a weekend together, and once it got back to Meredith, they were getting married. She rolled her eyes at how quickly the wrong gossip made it's way around the hospital. She was just hoping Kristy was right. It was just a drink. A free drink.

Meredith ran the brush through her hair and looked into the mirror in the locker room. She honestly didn't care what she looked like. She didn't care what anyone thought. She just didn't care about anything anymore. She grabbed her purse and made her way through the rain. The familiar bell dinged when she opened the door. She saw Adrien's bright smile sitting a a table.

"You actually came." He said with surprise.

"I said I would." Meredith told him frankly. "I generally do what I say I will..."

"Good to know." He said with a grin. "So what would you like to drink?" He asked as he looked into her green eyes.

"Tequila." Meredith said quickly.

"Tequila...that's not fair!" He joked as he looked at her.

"And why is that?" She asked with raised eyebrows.

"One shot. You'll throw it back and run out of here like your ass is on fire." He said with a frown. "I was hoping you'd drink something you could sip."

"I can sip tequila." Meredith told him happily.

"No one can sip tequila. It's like poison." He said quickly as he sipped his martini.

"Well, you're in luck. I can sip tequila." Meredith said with a faint smile. Something that hadn't happened in a long time.

"You'll just have to show me..." He said as he stood up and walked to the bar. Meredith took a glance around the bar. She saw her interns laughing and talking by the dart board. She frowned when she realized they were talking about her. She looked down, when her eyes were met with Kent Mather's. She saw him begin to amble over.

"So the doctor does leave the hospital. With the other doctor..." He said as he pointed to the bar.

"Not that it's any of your business, but it is just a drink." Meredith said frankly as she played with a peanut shell.

"Please, get laid. It will do the whole hospital some good. Knock out two at once." He said with a chuckle.

"Excuse me?" Meredith said with a glare.

"Come on...you definitely need it. And if he won't oblige, I'd be happy to." Kent said happily. Meredith shook her head as he stumbled.

"I will ignore your comment because you're drunk. But I suggest you crawl back over there with your bottom of the food chain friends." She said as she pointed over to the group.

"Just say yes..." He said as he walked away.

"What was that about?" Adrien said with a grin.

"Stupid drunk interns." She said with a head shake.

"Oh...yes...They always regret it the next day, don't they?" Adrien said, knowing they shared the same intern torture tactics.

"That they do." She said as she raised her shot glass and threw it back.

"What was that?" He said quickly. "You were supposed to sip... It seems I will need to get you another."

"Crap." Meredith said quickly. "One more." She said as she shook her head. He quickly came back with another.

"So two shots..." He said as he sat it on the table. "I'm thinking I'm trying to get you drunk so I can take advantage of you..." He joked.

"It would take more than two...believe me." Meredith said frankly.

"So...tell me about Meredith Grey." He said as he looked into her eyes.

"Nothing to tell. I'm a surgical resident." She said as she picked the glass up and sipped it slowly, feeling the familiar burn. Adrien smiled as he watched her.

"You really can sip it...I have no idea how!" He said with surprise as he watched her. "Meredith Grey is more than just a surgical resident. I do know that."

"With a famous mother... You almost forgot that." She said with a chuckle.

"Ah yes...Ellis Grey." He said with a head shake. He looked into her eyes then spoke. "You've suffered a great loss... You have sad eyes." He said quickly as he looked at her eyes.

What?" She said in shock.

"I know... I know loss." He said frankly. "I lost my wife to breast cancer eight years ago."

"I'm sorry." Meredith said compassionately.

"It was hard... It's still hard. But eventually you have to move on." He said quickly. "Eventually you need to accept your loss and move on." He told her as he looked into her eyes. "You deserve to be happy."

"I'm fine..." Meredith said frankly as she threw the rest of her shot back.

"It's hard, I know. I've been there..." Adrien told her.

"Thanks for the drinks." Meredith said as she stood up. "But I don't need a fucking therapist."

"Meredith!" He said as she stormed off. "I didn't mean--" He stopped as he watched her walk out.

Meredith was in a rage. How dare he try to tell her? He didn't know. He didn't know her circumstances. He didn't know anything. A drink would have been fine. The psychoanalyzing was over the top. Her feet pounded on the wet road as she crossed. She was a familiar face as she neared the hospital.

"Kristy..." Meredith said quickly. She didn't look like her usual bubbly self. "What's going on?"

"I need a drink." She grumbled.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked as she looked at her tear-stained cheeks.

"I think my husband is having an affair..." She replied. The welled up tears were now pouring out, joining the raindrops on the street.

Meredith and Kristy walked over to Meredith's BMW. She had never seen Kristy this upset. Meredith knew their marriage was a mess, but Kristy always seemed to be optimistic about it. She would fix him. They would be happy. But today, today she looked crushed. Today she looked defeated.

"This is where you live?" Kristy asked as they pulled into her parking spot.

"Yes." Meredith returned simply as she put the car in park.

"It's nice." Kristy said as she looked around.

"This is the parking lot." Meredith said with a chuckle.

"Well, it's a nice parking lot." Kristy said with a shrug. Meredith began walking to her door, key in hand.

"Well, you may as well be planning on crashing here. Because once we start, we won't stop." Meredith said as she stuck the key in the lock. "This is definitely a drinking night." She said as she pushed the door open. She looked over to Mark, sitting smugly on the sofa.

"Dr. Sloan?" Kristy said in shock. "You and Dr. Sloan?" She said in shock as she looked over.

"He's just a friend, and apparently a roommate." Meredith said as she rolled her eyes.

"Oh. I was going to say... Why bother with de Gaulle when you can have this?" She said as she pointed at him.

"Save it, Mark. She's married. And I could have it, if I wanted? Right baby?" She joked with him.

"Of course." He laughed.

"We're drinking. So you'll probably want to leave, or hide." Meredith told him and she grabbed her various bottles of liquor.

"This could be fun. I like to drink, you know." Mark said with a grin.

"All men are worthless bastards." Kristy spat as she grabbed the bottle of vodka. Mark looked at both of them in shock.

"You know, I think I'm a little tired." He said with a fake yawn as he walked away.

"That's what I thought!" Meredith said quickly. "Pick your poison." Meredith said as she pointed to her bottles.

"A daiquiri." Kristy said quickly.

"Seriously?" Meredith asked with a frown.

"What?" Kristy asked with confusion.

"This isn't a paint-your-toe-nails sleep over. This is a drinking party. We drink from the bottle here." Meredith said quickly as she grabbed the bottle of tequila. "It's the quickest way."

"Seriously?" Kristy asked in shock.

"Uh huh." Meredith said as she motioned. "Pick your poison." She said quickly. Kristy grabbed a bottle of vodka and took a drink.

"Oh god!" She said as she gagged.

"It's not supposed to taste good." Meredith said as she took her bottle and walked to the couch.

"I love him. God I love him." Kristy said with a smile, that quickly turned to a frown.

"I hate men. I have decided I hate them. All of them." Meredith said as she took a drink.

"Me too." Kristy agreed as she took a drink. "They only want one thing..."

"Yep. To hurt you." Meredith said, taking another drink.

"Exactly. I like how you think. Men are worthless." Kristy agreed.

"So, how did you find out about the whore?" Meredith asked loudly.

"They went on a trip. He bought her a ticket. A consult. Bullshit! Asshole! I talked to some friends at Seattle Pres, he's bee talking to her. Calling her, meeting her for lunch. I can't believe it." She said as she shook her head.

"Ass!" Meredith agreed.

"Yes, ass! Ass! Ass!" She screamed loudly before she began crying. "Oh god...why do I have to love him?" She cried.

"Screw him. He's just a worthless ass. You don't need him." Meredith said quickly as she drank.

"He is. Screwing some whore in supply closets. I knew the ED was bullshit..." Kristy shouted.

"ED? You're husband has ED?" She said in shock.

"No. Yes. Hell if I know. Says he does. Maybe it's over use... Not with me, that for sure." She cried. "God I hate him!" She yelled.

"Me too. I hate him on principle!" Meredith said quickly. "Give me that." She said as she took a long swig of the vodka.

"We have to stick together!" Kristy said as she clanged her nearly empty bottle against Meredith's. "Wow...this is...good stuff." She muttered as she laid her head back.

"Uh huh..." She agreed. "Adrien... Can you believe him? I have sad, eyes? Come on..."

"You do have sad eyes." Kristy said frankly.

"I do not." Meredith spat. "Who does he think he is?"

"At least her cares... Unlike that worthless ass husband of mine. He wouldn't even notice if I laid in the middle of the road in front of hiss car." Kristy said groggily. "You have strangers noticing you... Caring..."

"He doesn't have the right." Meredith said loudly. "I am fine, damn-it."

"Sure you are. Be happy. Derek never notices me..." Kristy complained.

"Derek?" Meredith said as he heart raced. She felt sick. It made her physically sick. "Derek?"

"Yeah, my husband..." Kristy said with a giggle. Meredith watched as Kristy's eyes closed.

"Derek Samson... Ass..." Meredith muttered with a giggle. Kristy opened her eyes slowly.

"What?" She slurred.

"Derek Samson...he's an ass..." Meredith slurred along with her.

"Not Samson...silly...Derek son-of-a-bitch, stupid ass freaking Shepherd..." She trailed off as fell over onto the sofa.

"Kristy? Did you just say..." Meredith asked as she shook her. "Kristy... Damn." Meredith muttered as she laid her head down and joined her friend.

--------------------

Meredith opened her eyes and looked around. She was in her room. She didn't remember coming in there. She looked down at herself, to see that she was in fact, fully dressed in the same clothing that she had been in the night before. She heard the soft creak of the floorboards and glanced over to see Mark creeping down the hallway.

"Hey..." She said softly. He stopped in his tracks and looked over.

"It's alive!" He joked as he looked in. He walked up to the side of her bed and looked down. "So how do you feel after your big binge?" He asked as he looked down at her tired face.

"Um...not really like I had a big binge." She told him frankly. "How did I get in here?" She asked as she rubbed her face.

"I brought you in here around three. I woke up and you were passed out with your head in her chest. It was actually pretty hot. If you two had just been conscious..." He said with a chuckle.

"Not my thing..." She said quickly.

"Well, I figured if I'd let you stay out there, you wouldn't be able to move this morning." Mark said frankly.

"I appreciate that." She said as she rolled onto her back and winced.

"Are you okay?" He said as he watched her face.

"I feel this way every morning." She said with a sigh. The both looked over when they heard running and then the bathroom door slam shut. They both frowned when they heard the all-to-familiar retching sound.

"You do realize she will hate you today. Right?" He asked with a chuckle.

"Probably." Meredith said with a smile. "Help me up..." Meredith said as she gave him her hand. He pulled her gently to her feet. Mark listened to the cracking sound of her back as she walked into the kitchen.

"Maybe you should have yourself checked out." Mark said as he watched her walk.

"There is nothing they can do." She said with a shrug as she grabbed her bottle of pills.

"This things are going to kill your liver." Mark said quickly as he grabbed a cup out of the cupboard.

"I have to take them." She told him. "I can't function without them."

They both looked up at Kristy as she stumbled into the kitchen. Her face was pale. Her hair was a mess. She looked like she had been through a war. The frown on her face grew as she walked in.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked as she sat at the table.

"I feel dead. No, I'd rather be dead. This is... How are you okay?" She said with disappointment as she looked at Meredith.

"Mer goes to sleep with a bottle in her hand every night..." Mark said frankly as he handed her a cup of coffee.

"Thanks for the coffee." Kristy muttered.

"I do not go to sleep with a bottle in my hand every night!" Meredith said quickly.

"She does. It's sad..." Mark said as he shook his head in disgust.

"So you were immune. You failed to mention that!" Kristy said quickly.

"Not immune...I passed out too. But I rarely have hangovers." Meredith told her as she sipped her coffee.

"I need a bed. And a shower. And a massage. And a bath. I need home..." Kristy moaned sadly.

"I can take you home. Let me take a quick shower." Meredith said as she drained her mug and walked away.

"So how long have you known Mer?" Kristy asked as she looked at Mark.

"A long time." He said with a chuckle. "From the beginning to the end. And from the beginning again." He said as he shook her head.

"I'm confused. It's too early, and I think I'm still drunk." Kristy said with a giggle.

"Believe me, it's confusing even if you're sober." Mark said quickly. "But if you want to know...ask her." He said as he grabbed his toast.

"She just seems so sad." Kristy told him after a few moments of silence.

"She is." Mark said quickly. "But that...we're working on that." He said with a smile.

"Yes. WE are." She agreed with a smile. "She got a drink with de Gaulle yesterday."

"What?" Mark asked in shock. "de Gaulle's a tool."

"No he's not. He's actually a great guy." Kristy told him. "You have to get to know him. He really likes Mer. I think he would be good for her."

"I don't know...Mer, she's. She not who you think she is. Fixing her isn't pawning her off on some guy. She only has one guy in her mind...even after all these years." Mark said with a frown.

"That jerk that left her?" She asked, Mark nodded. "She needs to move on..."

"If you knew-- She will never move on." He said as he looked up.

"Are you guys talking about me?" Meredith said as she walked in.

"Of course." Mark said with a smile.

"Great. Conspirators." She said as she rolled her eyes. "Kris...are you ready?"

"Yeah." She said as she stood up. "See you later, Dr. Sloan."

"Bye." He said as they walked through the door.

Meredith drove down the streets of Seattle. Kristy didn't live that far away from her. Kristy was unusually quiet, but Meredith blamed it on the massive hangover. She felt bad, she remembered those days all too well.

"So...thanks. It didn't solve anything, but it was fun. Well, I think It was fun. I don't remember much, do you?" Kristy asked as they pulled down the street.

"Not a damn thing." Meredith said with a laugh. "Damn vodka."

"No shit." Kristy moaned as Meredith pulled into her driveway. "Thanks, really. I had a good time. You are...you're a good friend." She said quickly.

"See you tomorrow." Meredith said as Kristy shut the door.

Kristy slowly made her way up the driveway, shocked to see Derek standing at the window. Kristy opened the door and walked in.

"Where have you been?" Derek asked as he looked at a very disheveled Kristy.

"With my friend." She said grumpily.

"Doing what?" He asked as he looked at her.

"Who cares? Why do you care all of a sudden? Is it your own guilt?" She shouted as she walked away.

"What are you talking about?" He snapped as he followed her.

"Never mind. I'm going to bed. Don't you have somewhere you can go?" She said as she jogged up the stairs and shut the door.

"Yeah. I think I do..." He yelled nastily.

Meredith drove away from the house. She saw who she assumed to be Kristy's husband standing at the window. All she see was the outline of a man. She wondered what was going to happen. Would Kristy confront him? More than anything, she wondered why the hell the name Derek was in her head. She had a sinking feeling she had heard it last night, and it was not out of her own mouth.

**Chapter 10 has been fixed! You guys are almost caught up, which means you won't get updates as often. Probably every other day.**


	12. Wasteland

"So you spent the night at your friend's house, getting plastered?" Derek asked as he looked at Kristy over the kitchen table. She looked up in shock. He never talked.

"Yes." She said coldly. She didn't offer to make his breakfast. She didn't make the coffee. She didn't do anything for him this morning. Just herself. She really didn't care what he needed.

"Oh." Derek said as he looked down at his newspaper.

"Jealous?" Kristy asked with a nasty smile. This was the most attention she had gotten from him in a long time. It was nice. Nice to see him concerned. To see him sweat.

"No. Why would you say that?" He asked as he glanced up nonchalantly. So hard to read.

"Whatever, Derek." She said with a huff. "So how was the trip?" She snapped angrily.

"Fine. Business as always." He said as he took a sip of his coffee.

"That's nice." She said quickly. "Bullshit. But nice..." She said to herself.

"So, what did you and this friend do?" Derek asked.

"Drink. We drank a lot." She said with a smile. "And I have to go." She said quickly as she stood up and walked out. Derek shrugged and went back to the newspaper. But not before sending Addison a reminder text message.

Kristy jumped into her car and sped out of the driveway. She was mad. Beyond mad. How could he just sit at the table like everything was normal? Not even their normal. Normal people's normal. Conversing over breakfast normal. She couldn't take it. He was screwing some whore in a hotel room in New Hampshire, and now he was normal. And was it normal to want things to be normal even if it was abnormal for them because of the circumstances? Was this good? Derek has an affair and now he's willing to be a decent husband. Was that normal?

She needed to talk to her person. She needed to talk to Meredith. Meredith was her person. Mostly because she didn't talk. She just listened. And when she listened, she just agreed. But that was good enough for her. That would work. She rushed to the locker room and flung the door open. She was in shock when she saw Meredith standing there in her scrub pants and a bra. That wasn't the shock. The shock was the surgical scars.

"Oh! Uh-- Meredith..." She said, not being able to remove her eyes.

"Kristy..." She said as she quickly threw her shirt on.

"I'm confronting her." Kristy said as she came closer.

"Who?" Meredith asked quickly.

"The other woman. The woman that is screwing my husband. I guess Donna from Seattle Pres, knows who she is. At lunch, I'm going." Kristy said firmly.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Meredith asked in surprise.

"Yes. No. Yes, definitely yes. Even if jackass is being nicer now that he has a woman on the side-- I can't do that. I won't do it." Kristy said firmly. "Affairs...I won't."

"Do you need me to be your wing-man?" Meredith asked as she walked out of the locker room.

"Do I want you there? Yes. But I need to do it on my own. I really do." Kristy said with a frown.

"Okay. Well, you know where me and my liquor are..." Meredith said with a smirk as she walked away.

"Mer?" Kristy said quickly. Meredith turned around and looked at her. "Thanks. You're a great friend." She said as she hugged her. Meredith put her hands up in shock.

"I don't hug." She told her firmly.

"You're going to learn to real quick." Kristy said with a smile as she turned at walked away. Meredith looked up, only to see her interns standing there with smiles on their faces.

"Don't say a word..." Meredith told them with a look.

"But you have a friend..." Kent Mather said with a chuckle.

"And you have SCUT." She said quickly. "Have fun..."

"And Eastman and Mather, you're with Davis today. Weathers you're with Jackson. Pierce, you're with me. And Carter..." She trailed off. "You're with Sloan..." She said with an evil grin. Mark walked up with a smile.

"Which one of your worthless interns so I have today?" He asked as he looked at her.

"This fine intern...you know what to do with him." Meredith said quickly as she pointed to Carter.

"Oh do I." He laughed as they walked off.

------------------

Addison was dreading this day. She didn't want to do this. She did, but she didn't. Derek wanted it. She wanted it, for Derek. She was doing this for him. She felt the vibrating of her phone on her pocket. The fourth text of the day. It was Derek. He had become quite a pest.

Addison took a seat in the gallery. Ellis Grey was amazing. Her movements were always precise, fluid. Ellis Grey was perfection. At least perfection in every aspect, except her family. Now family she didn't do so well. Addison wondered if it bothered her. If with every cut she made, she thought of her dead daughter. Thought of the time that she missed out all of her life because she was too busy in the OR.

Addison knew she had to tread lightly. This was her Chief. The wrong words could make all the difference. She had went over it several times in her head. But every time it came out differently. She knew all sense would go out of her head when she was there. There in that dreaded moment.

"Dr. Grey?" Addison asked as she walked into the scrub room. Ellis glanced up as she scrubbed her hands.

"Dr. Montgomery...what can I do for you?" Ellis asked as she dried her hands and faced Addison.

"I have a question, actually." Addison said nervously. Her nervousness went unoticed by Ellis.

"Well, I am on a tight schedule, so hurry it up." Ellis said frankly.

"I was a friend of your daughter's. Of Meredith's. And I- I was in New Hampshire with my friend- With Derek and we looked for her grave. We wanted to pay our respects, leave some flowers. We couldn't find it. So I was wondering--" Addison said as she looked into Ellis' cold eyes. Not scared. Not nervous. Not compassionate. Cold. Ice Cold.

"Derek...I assume you mean Derek Shepherd?" Ellis asked. Addison kicked herself. She knew how Ellis felt about Derek. She said he took away her focus. He took her away. He changed her. Why did she say his name?

"Yes. Derek Shepherd." She finally admitted reluctantly.

"Meredith was cremated." Ellis said quickly. "And I would appreciate it if you don't bring her up again." Ellis said as she threw the door open and walked out. She had to talk to Richard.

Addison stood there in shock. She didn't think it would go that way. She didn't think Ellis would be so cold about it. She didn't that her face would remain so straight. No tears. No sadness. Just an answer. And a warning not to speak of it again. Maybe that was how she dealt with it. Maybe it was to hard to think about. To hard to face.

She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and frowned. This was one call she didn't want to make. She didn't want to be the one. It would have been different if he had discovered it himself. But to tell him. She didn't want to be the one. The one to break his heart all over again. But she promised she would tell him. And she would.

"Hello?" Derek said as he answered his cell phone.

"Hey... It's me." Addison said quietly. He could tell. He knew. "So, I'm thinking we should meet for lunch?"

"Just tell me." He said firmly, bracing himself.

"What?" Addison said, pretending not to know what he was talking about.

"You know. She told you. Addison, please just tell me. Put me out of my misery." Derek said quickly. His heart raced. She knew. She knew right now. She knew the answer. He just needed her to say it.

"I'm sorry..." She said softly. "She was cremated. She's gone Derek... I'm sorry." She said softly. She listened. No response. "Derek? Derek..."

"I'm here..." Derek responded distractedly as wiped the tears away from his eyes. "It's not like we didn't know..." He said sadly.

"Derek..." Addison responded sympathetically. "Do you want to meet for lunch? Do you need to talk?" She asked as she looked at the OR board.

"No. I'm fine. I just-- I have a patient. I have to go." He replied quickly as he hung the phone up. He needed to go to his office. He needed to think.

-------------

Ellis rushed to her office. This was bad. Really bad. This is what you call acting on a impulse. Forgetting to think. This was catastrophic. The hole that she was in, it just got twice as deep. She quickly opened the door and slammed it shut, pulling out her cellphone. She had to talk. She couldn't hold it in.

"Ellis?" Richard asked as he answered the phone. "I'm just walking towards your office now." He said into the phone. She looked up to see the door open. "What's wrong?" He asked, with concern in his voice.

"We have a problem." She said as she rubbed her face then looked at him.

"What?" He asked as he sat down on the large chair in front of her desk.

"He's going to find out. Meredith is going to find out." Ellis said quickly.

"Oh no. This is not on me. This on on you." Richard said firmly as the knot formed in her stomach. He knew exactly what she was talking about.

"What?" She shouted. "You had a part in this as much as I did!" She yelled as she glared at him.

"I never agreed with what you did. I told you it was wrong. And damn-it, Ellis, our daughter has suffered because of it." He shouted back. "I am not losing her. Not over this..."

"Well, I think it's too goddamn late for that!" She yelled back.

"I knew it. I knew this would happen." Richard said as he shook his head in disbelief.

"Yeah, well you're the one that let her come to Seattle. If she didn't come to Seattle, this wouldn't have been a problem." Ellis said quickly. "This is on you!"

"Oh no. You are the one that didn't say anything to him... You just let him walk away..." Richard said, shaking his head.

"Oh, and you ran so quickly after him." Ellis shouted.

"Well, it wasn't as if you would have allowed me." Richard said sternly as he looked at the wall.

"Maybe you should have pulled your balls out of your back pocket... Been a man." Ellis said nastily.

"So what exactly happened?" He finally asked after a long moment of silence. Ellis told him about Addison and Derek looking for the grave, and her confrontation with Addison.

"Why the hell would you tell her she was cremated? Why didn't you just tell her the truth. It wasn't as if we blatantly lied to him. We just didn't say anything." Richard responded.

"It was-- I wasn't thinking. It just came out. But even if I had told her the truth... Addison would have ran back to Derek..." She said in a panic.

"Ellis, it will come out. Meredith is in Seattle. They will meet. And she is so damn good... She could be in Timbuktu, and her name would eventually be in a medical journal. He will know..." Richard said with a sigh.

"I don't want to lose my baby..." Ellis finally broke down. Richard rounded the desk and embraced her.

"I know... I don't want to either. I don't know what to do..." He said softly.

"She's so sad. She's dead inside. I never thought that when she woke up...I never thought she would have been better of dead..." Ellis sobbed. "It's all our fault."

"If we had told the truth...things would be so different... And now- Now we've dug the hole deeper." Richard said regrettably. "We're going to lose her. We should just tell her the truth now."

"We can't. I can't-- I can't..." Ellis cried. "I never thought this would happen. I thought we were doing what was best. Derek distracted her. She wasn't focused."

"And now she is great. She had focus. But what is focus when every night she drinks herself to sleep? Every night she she cried. Every night she wishes she were dead." Richard replied sadly.

"He...he would have broke her heart... Eventually, he would have broken her heart." Ellis told him.

"And he did. At least she thinks he did. And now it's on us. Damn-it Ellis..." Richard groaned as he thought. "The wave is coming... It has been for a long time."

-----------------

Addison flipped her phone shut with a sigh. Maybe he was finally accepting it. Maybe he would move on. It was hard to know. He had been so broken for so long. And now they knew. But the crazy thing, is that they always knew. Up until she talked to Derek, there was no question in her mind that Meredith was dead. And now after Ellis' confirmation, they knew it to be the absolute truth.

Addison stepped onto the elevator. She needed coffee. She needed to think. Think about how she was going to help her friend through this. Fourteen years later, and he still needed help. Maybe she could finally get him through it. Complete the mission. She ordered her coffee, and sat down in a chair, not even noticing the person walking angrily towards her.

"Are you having an affair with my husband?" Kristy spat boldly as she approcahed Addison.

"Excuse me?" Addison asked in shock as she watched her walk forward.

"Are you sleeping with my husband?" Kristy snapped again.

"Well, considering I am only sleeping with my own husband, I would venture to say no." Addison said with a slight chuckle.

"Then why exactly did you travel with him to New Hampshire?" Kristy asked as she glared at Addison.

"Derek? You think I am having an affair with Derek!" Addison laughed wholeheartedly.

"Yes. And it's not funny." Kristy said, almost backing down from the strong woman in front of her.

"Derek and I-- We're friends. We've been friends forever." Addison quickly explained as she patted the seat next to her. Kristy quickly sat down.

"Friends? Derek doesn't have friends..." Kristy said quickly.

"Derek and I-- We lost touch several years ago. I had no idea he was even in Seattle." Addison said geniunely.

"How long?" Kristy asked forcefully.

"Well, I'd say about eighteen years, at least." Addison told her happily. "We met in college. We were friends all of us...inseperable..." Addison thought back fondly.

"So you know?" Kristy asked. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. A past. A friend. She had to know. She had to know why he was the way he was.

"Know what?" Addison asked with raised brows.

"What happened. You know what happened to him... Why he is the way he is." Kristy said with a look of desperation.

"I-- You need to talk to him about his past. You need to-- It's not my place. I--" Addison said nervously.

"Please?" Kristy asked with tears in her eyes. "Please? I just need to know. I love him so much... And I-- I can't help him. I tried. He won't-- And I-- God, I just want him to be happy." She siad as the tears flowed freely.

"I'm sorry. I-- Please...just talk to him. He'll talk eventually." Addison said confidently, hoping she was right.. "But I promise you, Derek is not having an affair." _Not with who you think... She's your greatest competition, and she's dead..._

"I just-- I'm sorry. I must have looked like a lunatic." Kristy said with a chuckle.

"No. Not at all. I would have done that same thing." Addison said with a laugh. "Just talk to him..." Addison repeated as she heard her pager go off.

"Thank you." Kristy said quickly. "I'm Kristy, by the way."

"Addison." She said with a smile as she ran off. Kristy plopped down in the chair. She felt like such a fool.

-----------------

Meredith stood in the recovery area, checking on her patient. The surgery went along as planned. Perfect. She was lucky. She had many successful case under her belt. She had heard the them talk many times before. She was destined to be one of the greats. She was going to be amazing. She just wanted to be her, and not forget who she was somewhere along the way.

Meredith stood there thinking about Kristy. She truly felt bad for her. She couldn't help but think about how she would feel if she were in her shoes. Well, as close to her shoes as she could be. Derek was her last serious relationship. Her only serious relationship. Before Derek, there was a string of guys from school. And after...well, after Derek there was a string of one night stands. Not many. And only for a short while. She thought she could use it to dull the pain. And it did. But not the way she wanted to.

"How did the surgery go?" Adrien asked, causing Meredith to jump in surprise.

"Fine. It went fine." She said as she pretended to study the chart that she had already read twice, not looking up at him.

"You don't have to avoid me..." He said in his thick accent.

"I'm not. I've just been busy." Meredith said frankly. "And I will be busy...for a very long time." She said as she walked away.

"Vous vraiment avez vissé celui-ci vers le haut. Maintenant elle ne vous regardera pas même. (You really screwed this one up. Now she won't even look at you.)" Adrien said under his breath.

"Un désolé simple est assez bon. (A simple sorry is good enough.)" Meredith returned as she looked over at him.

"You speak French?" He asked with a smile.

"A little." She admitted as she continued walking.

"Well, Meredith, I am sorry. I really overstepped my boundaries. It was a mistake. I just thought... I thought I could make you feel better. Apparently I was wrong." He said sadly.

"I accept your apology." She said quickly as she grabbed a chart.

She stood there thinking about what everyone told her. She needed to move on. She didn't want to move on. She wanted to go back. She wanted to go back to the days when she and Derek were happy. When they would lay in bed on Sunday mornings just staring into one another's eyes. It was so perfect. And in those moments, she never thought it would end. She never thought that the rug would be pulled out from under her and she would wake up alone. She needed to move on. Derek left her.

"And I just may accept an invitation to dinner. If you asked." She said as she walked by. This was huge. A huge step. Now she was just hoping it was the right step.

"What? Did you--" He asked as he chased after her. "Meredith Grey!" He said loudly. She turned on her heel and looked at him.

"Yes, Dr. de Gaulle?" She asked.

"Will you go to dinner with me?" He asked with a cheesy grin, and a nervous face.

"Sure." She said quickly.

"Tomorrow...seven?" He asked.

"Sounds good." She said quickly. "Now I have to go. See you around." Adrien stood there in the hallway in complete shock. She said yes.

---------------

Meredith pulled up in front of the large brick home that housed her parents. She wasn't really happy to be here, but they were her family. Her only family. And the last dinner didn't go so well, so in the spirit of moving on, she was going to try again.

"Meredith..." Richard said warmly as he welcomed her in. "Are you going to stick around this time?"

"I'm going to try." She said quickly as she walked into the kitchen.

"Hello, dear." Ellis said with a smile. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." Meredith said as she sat at the counter on a stool.

"So... Where are you planning on telling us?" Ellis said happily.

"Tell you what?" Meredith asked as she looked at Richard.

"de Gaulle. Your mom is talking about de Gaulle." Richard said, shaking his head.

"What about him?" Meredith asked as she looked between the two of them.

"He's taking you to dinner tomorrow." Ellis said quickly.

"God...you're not even in the same hospital..." She said, shaking her head.

"I think it's great. He's older...but it's great!" Ellis happily. "He has the European good looks." Meredith turned red at her mom's comment.

"It's just dinner." Meredith explained.

"It's called moving on...and It's great, honey." Richard said warmly.

"I'm not-- I'm- It's just dinner. Free food." Meredith reiterated.

"Well, I bet you two look cute together." Ellis told her.

"Mom...seriously. Let's not talk about this." She said as she followed them to the dinner table.

Meredith put a small amount of food on her plate and sat there in silence. She had no idea what to talk about. They were her parents, but she barely knew them. They were rarely around. Too busy with every other thing in the world. They watched as she winced in pain as she shifted in her seat.

"Are you okay?" Richard asked with concern.

"Yeah. Just stiff." Meredith answered.

"You know, honey, I'm not trying to-- Maybe if you were happy. If you were happy, the pain wouldn't be so bad." Ellis told her frankly.

"What? What are you saying? The pain is in my head?" Meredith said defensively. "I guess I wasn't one with a small car fourteen years ago. I guess I didn't spent a month unconscious, witch broken bones. I imagined it. It's all in my head." She said, shaking her head.

"No! Meredith, that's not what I meant. If you were happy, your mind wouldn't be on the pain. It would be elsewhere." Ellis explained as she ate her food.

"I'm fine. I'm happy. Every thing is fine." Meredith muttered.

Meredith kept quiet for the rest of the meal. She didn't know what to say. None of them did. Richard tied Meredith and Ellis together. They didn't dislike each other. There was no hate. It was just a lack of communication. A lake interest in each other. She sighed as she entered her car, thanking god that it was over. But now she had to go home and think. Why is the hell would she set herself up with Adrien de Gaulle?

-----------------

Derek slid off his shoes. Marriage counseling. This was their sixth session. He was trying it. Well, pretending to try it. It was unsuccessful. At least as far as he was concerned. There was no helping them. More so him than her. She was innocent. She just wanted to help. She wanted to be happy. He wanted to, but knew it would never be possible. She was a good girl. A kind, sweet person. And for her, he tried. Or was trying. Or trying to pretend. Pretend that things were fine.

Meredith was still the only thing on his mind. The only girl that consumed his thoughts and entwined his brain. She was refreshing. Even dead, she was still effervescent. She still had the ability to make him feel alive. The ability to make him smile, just from a memory.

Six sessions of counseling. It always ended on the same thing. What happened? Why was he the way he was? He wouldn't talk. He was mute when it came to Meredith. And he didn't really care what they thought. It was marriage counseling. He couldn't see what his past had to do with the present. Either way, he wasn't talking. When it came to Meredith, he was never talking.

"So, that wasn't bad." Kristy said with a sigh as she sat down on the sofa beside him.

"No...I guess not." Derek agreed as he looked over at her. She was Meredith's complete opposite. Everything he didn't really want. But at the same time, she was all he had.

"What do you want for dinner?" Kristy asked with a smile as she stood up and headed for the kitchen.

"I don't care." Derek said as he headed upstairs to change into something more comfortable. "Whatever you make will be fine." He said with a smile.

Kristy pulled out the package of chicken with a smile on her face. Life it seemed, was getting easier for her. Derek was around more. He wasn't sleeping at the hospital as much. He wasn't hiding from her. He was still distant. Very distant. And he still woke up every night in a cold sweat. But his anger towards he had diminished some, and that made it all the better. Little did she know, that things were going to be changing. And they weren't going to get better.

--------------

"Dinner was good." Meredith said as she plopped down on Adrien's soft leather sofa.

"It was." He said with a smile as he sat down with her. "But I think it was the company." He said as he kissed her softly on the neck.

"That may be..." She agreed as she looked into his blue eyes.

"I still can't believe to said yes." Adrien said with a grin.

"I did. And now it has just gone on from there..." She said, shaking her head. "I only agreed to go on a date with you to get a free meal. And to make you as miserable as possible." She said with a chuckle.

"Well, I have to say, it has been everything but miserable." He said as he rubbed her back softly. "In fact, this last month has been the best time I can ever remember." He said with a smile as he looked into her eyes.

Meredith looked at Adrien. He was a good guy. He was a nice guy. A guy who cared. A guy that was genuinely concerned about her. A guy who thought about her every minute of everyday. He had become completely infatuated with her.

Adrien looked into Meredith's eyes. He could still see the pain. She had so much pain. Pain that she wouldn't talk about, physical and mental. Pain that wasn't going away, but he hoped over time he could ease. Meredith had become so much to him. She was his life. In a month, she made him feel whole again. She made his forget about his own pain. Now he just had to make her forget about hers.

Derek was still a daily thought in Meredith's head. Nearly every moment, every memory, reminded her of him. He was the love of her life. And as much as everyone was saying that this was the best thing she could be doing. As much as they said they had never seen her happier. It was painfully obvious that they had just never seen her with Derek.

Adrien leaned over and kissed Meredith's neck. She moaned as she felt him nip at her soft flesh. He loved her taste. She was so sweet, so perfect. She would come around. It would just take time. He would fill the void that was left. The void that he had no idea belonged to. He grabbed her petite hand and led her to his bed. It was dark. She liked it dark. The first time he saw her in the soft moonlight, she was asleep. That was the only time she was vulnerable. The first time her saw, a frown came to his face. Not only was she broken mentally, buts she was broken physically. He looked at the scars on her body, running his hands over them as she slept. So broken...

He was head over heels in love. She just wished she could share the feeling.

----------------

Meredith woke up feeling the cold air on her naked flesh. She looked over at Adrien who had a soft smile on his face. He was happy. That nasty surgeon that he was once known as, was gone. He was replaced by a lovelorn man. A man who had no idea what was to come.

Meredith pulled the soft cotton sheet off of the bed as she stood. She wrapped at around her body. She took one last look at the pale moonlight shining on Adrien's face. She walked to her purse and grabbed the same thing she grabbed every night. The thing that she hadn't been able to look at for so long. Making her way to the living room, she slid the sliding door open and stepped onto the balcony, sitting in the chair. A small tear slide down her face as she ran her finger over his face. She closed her eyes, she could almost feel him.

Derek looked over at his wife. Her soft flesh peeking out from underneath the blanket she clung tightly. She was satisfied, and yet, he was not. Making love to her wasn't what it should be. It wasn't love. It wasn't even sex. It was something completely different. But Derek had left his own happiness behind long ago. He knew he couldn't get it back. Now he just had to try to ensure hers.

Derek pulled on his boxer shorts and walked quietly down the hallway to his office. He did this too often. She didn't know. She didn't know that he hid away, pining for his love. He crept into his office and slid open the locked top drawer. He grasped her picture tightly, running his fingers across her face, trying to feel it. Trying to remember just how she felt. A tear ran down his cheek as he looked at the moonlight falling softly on her timeless face.

_Can't you see what you've done to my heart?_

_And soul?_

_This is a wasteland now._

_**They are so broken. An now they have sacrificed their happiness for someone else.**_


	13. You're Alive

Derek woke up, opening his eyes quickly. Something wasn't right. He had a feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was a sickening feeling deep within. He glanced over to see Kristy sleeping peacefully beside him. Then he looked over at the calendar. Of course. It was that time. Today was a the day. The day that changed his life. The day that the worst that that could ever happen, did.

He had always taken this time off. He would leave. He wouldn't tell Kristy where he was going. Two weeks a year, he would disappear without a trace. The first week of July and the last week. It marked the day of the accident, and the day that ended not only his life, but hers. He had tried to move on. This year he was going to try to be better. To not just leave. To truly accept and not run. He was going to try. But that feeling in his stomach, it changed his mind... And it changed it quick.

Derek climbed into the shower, but not before looking at himself in the mirror. Pale did not even come close to describing the shade of his skin. That sickening feeling. The vine that wrapped around him and choked him out, it was back, and it was back with full force. He climbed into the hot shower, hoping the scalding water would wash off his guilt. Wash off the shame he felt.

It rolled through his head like a well laid out plan. A movie. Slow motion. Sickeningly slow.

_"DEREK!" He heard the shrill scream coming from Meredith._

_He heard the squealing tires. He wanted to turn his head. There was no time. Just a shot. No time to look. Just a peek. No time to stop. Just a glance. No time. But that is what saved him. He didn't know what was coming. The impact was unbelievable. The force in his body, immense. He heard the twisting metal. The shattering sound of a thousand mirrors breaking. He felt the car flip one, two, three times, four times... _

Derek braced his hands against the wall. He couldn't breathe. The memories were rushing back. The worst day of his life, in clear view. His body felt it like it was yesterday. The impact. The pain. The blood. Her moaning. Derek felt the hot water burning his face as he gasped.

_When he opened his eyes, it was red. Blood. Blood everywhere. The windshield was shattered, reminiscent to a spiderweb. A bloody spiderweb. The car was on it's side. the top was one with the floor now. He raised his arm slowly, the pain shooting through like a knife. The red was blood. it was in his chest, on his arms. But the blood wasn't his. It was hers._

Derek looked down at his arms, expecting to see the blood. To see that see the deep red liquid covering his body like it was that day. He was expecting to see her perfect face. A face now covered in blood and pain. A face that he thought he would see everyday for the rest of his life. Derek climbed out of the shower and wrapped the towel around his waist. Running to the toilet he retched. No, he couldn't do it. He couldn't change.

Kristy came down from the upstairs with a big smile on her face. She looked so happy. So satisfied. She looked as if she was the most content, happy woman in the world. She was simple. She was easy to please. And it was today. And today, he couldn't sacrifice for her. Not her. Not for anyone.

She walked over and gave Derek a soft kiss on the cheek.

"Good morning." She said softly as she looked down at him.

"Morning." He grumbled, his stomach doing flip after flip.

"What would you like for breakfast?" She asked with a smile as she looked through the cupboards.

"Nothing." He said simply as he stared at the newspaper. She glared at him. She knew this would happen. The anger began to boil. Two-hundred twelve degrees. Over the side of the pot.

"I wondered. I wondered if this would happen." She said as she shook her head. "And it did."

"What?" Derek asked angrily as he threw the paper down. He knew what. But he didn't want to talk about. And he was damn tired of her trying to.

"Today. Today is the day when you become the biggest prick in the world. When you treat everyone like shit. Twenty-nine days of pure hell." She snapped. "You just need to get over it. Get a life. Whatever it is...it's over!" She yelled out of pure frustration.

"And now you're going to run off, right? Hide away?" She asked as she got in his face.

"It's none of your damn business. What happened- It's mine. Not yours. It will never be yours." He spat angrily as he stood. "And I am leaving. Because I don't want to look at your face. Not right now." He said as he stalked off. "Not ever."

"I don't know why I waste my time." She screamed at him, before bursting onto tears.

"Neither do I." He yelled as he slammed the door, leaving the house.

Kristy threw his coffee mug in the sink, shattering it into a hundred pieces. She didn't care. That was how she felt at the moment. Shattered. Broken. Beyond repair. It had been a false hope. She had really believed that he had changed. And now. Now it was coming back. His anger. His hatred. His grief. It was back. Full force.

------------------

Meredith laid there in the bed. Adrien's bed. It hurt. It was crazy. She knew it was crazy, but she swore that on this day, her pain was the worst it ever was. Same day, every year. She laid completely still willing it to go away. Praying she could just be comfortable. Praying she could breathe. Shallow breath in. Shallow breath out. Shallow breath in. Shallow breath out. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. She could feel his eyes on her.

Adrien watched Meredith. She was awake, that he could tell. Her breathing was rhythmic. Not like usual. Like she was in pain. Like she was breathing through pain. It broke his heart as he sat there and watched her. His frown only increased when he saw a small tear come out of her eye.

"Are you okay?" He asked softly. She only began to cry harder at the sound of his voice. "Meredith... It's okay... Let it out..." He said as he rubbed her arm.

"It's hurts... Oh god, it hurts." She moaned as she opened her eyes

"What hurts?" He asked as he looked at her with concern.

"Everything. It hurts..." She cried as she tensed up. "My purse...my purse." She moaned loudly. Adrien jumped up and grabbed her purse, running back into the room. She quickly grabbed her bottle of pills and took two of them. Adrien grabbed the bottle, looking at it.

"Oh...Meredith." He said with a frown. "What can I do? How can I help you?" He asked in a panic. Pain pills. He never knew.

"A shower... I need the hot water." She said as she attempted to crawl out of the bed. He rushed around to help her. "I can do it..." She said breathlessly as she slowly walked to the bathroom.

Meredith crawled into the shower. The hot water felt good on her aching body. It didn't take her pain away, but it eased it some. She couldn't take it. The pain. Not just the physical, the mental. She couldn't even remember the accident, but it still wore her down. It still affected her deeply. She stood there in the water until the pain took over. She let her back slide down the wall, collapsing to the shower floor.

Adrien heard the water running in the shower. He was sick. Sick from worry. Sick from concern. He knew she was hurting inside, but he didn't realize it was this deep. She was in pain. Serious pain. Seeing the bottle. Seeing her face. Seeing the way she was breathing. It made him physically sick. And he had no idea how to help. No idea at all.

Adrien sat there for what seemed like forever. Listening. Wondering. He loved her, and he was in fear. In fear of overstepping his boundaries again. She didn't come out. He could still hear the water running. Worry began to take over. He didn't know what to think. Forty-five minutes. She had been in there forty-five minutes. She was normally in the shower for ten. He was worried. Finally he did it. He turned the handle. He opened the door.

"Meredith!" He said as he saw her curled up in the shower floor. "Oh my god!" He cried as he quickly pulled the door open. "Oh...Meredith..." He said as his skin went pale.

He looked at her. In the light. He had never seen her in the light. She looked like she had been through a war. Not a battle. A war. The scars. No wonder she was in pain. Adrien grabbed a fluffy towel and turned the water off, wrapping it around her. He quickly picked her up and carried her to his bed.

"Meredith...what happened?" He asked softly as he held her. She cried. In his arms she cried. Not because of comfort. Because she couldn't hold it in. She couldn't look into his eyes and hold onto the lie. He sat there with her, holding her in his arms. Finally she looked up at him and stopped.

"I'm okay." She said as she wiped her eyes and pulled away, getting out of the bed.

"What happened to you?" He asked as he looked at her, waiting for an answer.

"I can't-- Not today." She said as she grabbed her clothes.

"You need to stay home today." He said with worry.

"I can't-- Not today." She reiterated as she walked in and shut the bathroom door.

Adrien leaned up against the door and sighed. It was upsetting. It was frustrating. She was in pain, and there was no helping. She shut down. Closed him out. Threw up the walls. Pulled up the drawbridge. He didn't know what he would do for her. And he didn't even know if there was anything he could.

----------------

Meredith walked slowly into Seattle Grace. There was nowhere else she'd rather be. More like no where else to be. She was just going to go on. Just as she had for the last fourteen years. Just going on. Moving on. Or whatever they say.

Adrien smiled at her as she walked towards the locker room. Everyone knew about the two of them, but nothing was said. They didn't scream it from the rooftops. They didn't make it public. She could tell but the look on his face that he was worried. He was upset. But he had no idea how she felt. Things weren't perfect. And they never would be.

"Hey." Kristy muttered as Meredith walked up to the nurse's station.

"Hey." Meredith answered in almost the same tone. Two friends, beaten down. "What's going on?" Meredith asked, knowing that was what Kristy wanted her to ask.

"Derek...He's an ass. God. He-" Kristy started Meredith whipped her head around.

"Wait! Did you just say Derek?" Not today. She couldn't hear it today. She was too fragile. It was too much. Not that name.

"Yeah. Derek. Anyway. He's gone back to his old self. Not that I'm surprised. Once an ass, always an ass." She said as she shook her head.

"I thought he was doing better." Meredith answered as she looked at a chart. This was good. The talking was off of her. She could just listen. Not worry about her own issues.

"He was. But-- It's this time of the year. He gets all crazy. But anyway. I can't deal with it. We fought this morning. He even took my keys. I think he did it on accident. But that's beside the point. I had to take a fucking cab to work. I can't stand it. I thought we were doing so good..." Kristy said sadly. She looked up at Meredith. She could see that something was wrong. Really wrong.

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm just-- Don't worry. I'm fine." Meredith said with a frown.

"You don't look fine." Kristy stated firmly as she looked at her friend with concern.

"This is just a bad day for me, that's all." Meredith said as she turned on her heel and walked away.

Meredith couldn't focus. It was hard. It was hard to deal with this day. For some reason this year it was worse that it had ever been. Through the surgery with de Gaulle, all she could think about was waking up alone. Not able to speak. Waking up, expecting Derek to be there. Only to open her eyes to nothing. Her mother. Just her mother. He promised he wouldn't leave. He promised. He said they would be together forever.

Meredith dragged her feet through the hospital. The day went slow. It was dull. Of course it was dull. Not even a ten car pileup would have been able to keep her mind off of everything. She looked at the clock, ten minutes to go. She couldn't wait. For the first time, she couldn't wait to go home. She couldn't wait to hug the bottle. She couldn't wait to drown him out. Fall into the blackness that was nothing.

"Hey, Mer?" Kristy asked as she walked in the locker room. She looked around to see it empty.

"Yeah?" Meredith asked as she did her belt and looked up.

"I wouldn't-- I know you're tired... But-- Do you think you could run me home?" Kristy asked with a faint smile. "I'd understand--" She said nervously.

"Kristy, of course I can take you home." Meredith said firmly. She slammed her locker shut and opened the door, heading to the elevator. She couldn't speak, for fear that she would crack. Then it would spill. The pain would rush through the crack like a broken dam, spilling out her contents. Her secrets. A long silence passed as she stared at the metal doors.

"So what are you going to do, about Derek?" She finally asked for dear that Kristy would ask her about herself. To say that name made her sick. She hated that name. She hated him. Him and his lack of morals.

"I don't know. He probably won't be there. He hides away." Kristy explained as they approached Meredith's car. Meredith didn't want to take her home. It just delayed her meeting with the bottle. "Every year. He hides away."

"I don't know, Kris-- I don't know anything anymore." Meredith said sadly as she pulled out of the parking lot. And it was the truth. She had no knowledge. Everything she knew, ended up destroyed.

"Me neither." She admitted with a sigh as she looked out the window.

Meredith drove down the road distractedly. She couldn't think about anything but him. Was he hugging his kids? Making love to his wife? working the perfect job that went along with his perfect life? I'll always love you. It will always be like this. Bullshit. That's not what happened. He left. He ran. He hid. Hid away from her. Leaving her in a mess. He nearly killed her. Physically. Emotionally. She was a wreck. And he just left.

Meredith pulled into Kristy's driveway. She saw a car sitting there. A knot formed in her stomach. Maybe she should go in. Maybe this would be bad. Something didn't feel right. She couldn't explain it. Something was off. She looked over at Kristy, who had a look of dread on her face.

"He's here. Asshole is here." She said with a sigh as she grabbed her bag and opened the door.

"Do you want me to come in?" Meredith asked with worry. Not that she was worried for her safety. Maybe she just needed support.

"You don't have to...but..." Kristy said quickly. Meredith could tell she wanted her to.

"Let's go..." Meredith said, hoping to relieve the tension. She swung the door opened and looked at the perfect looking home. Anyone who saw it would never know it was perfectly broken.

She walked. One foot in front of the other. A painful walk. A walk in which force was pushing in all directions. Suspended. Suspended in time. Suspended in motion. No momentum. She walked. Kristy pushed the door open and looked around. Meredith glanced over at the sofa.

"I'm home..." Kristy said softly. He didn't respond. He just sat. A head of dark curls. Not moving.

"Derek! Don't be rude. Meredith is here. This is my friend, the one I have been telling you about." No response. "Meredith, this is my husband, Derek Shepherd. Derek, this is Meredith Grey."

Meredith quit breathing. Derek wiped his head around. Their eyes met. It couldn't be. No way. It was impossible. Crazy. Not true. They looked. Crazy. No way. Totally insane. Fourteen years. Fourteen long, painful years. Fourteen years of feeling dead. Felling alone. And then green met blue.

Meredith stood there in shock. Derek. Derek Shepherd. The love of her life. The man who left her fourteen years ago. The man who left her alone. The man who left her broken. Torn. Destroyed. Derek Shepherd. The source of her pain. Right there in her best friend's living room. More importantly, her best friend's husband.

_"You were watching me..." _

_"I was not watching you." _

_"I was not watching you. I am watching everyone. So I guess you are included." _

Meredith looked into his eyes. It was a look of shock. A look up surprise. A look of amazement. He looked so much like he once did. He had aged, of course. But he was still Derek Shepherd. He was still her Derek. Her Derek who left. The reason she drank herself to sleep every night. The reason she was in severe pain all of the time. The source of her anger.

_"We'll have kids. The white picket fence. The big house. The dog. We'll have it all." _

Derek looked at her. It couldn't be. She couldn't be alive. She was dead. Gone. She had taken a long dirt nap. She was standing in front of him. Broken. She was broken, he could see it in her eyes. She lived. But how did she live? Who cares, she was alive. In his living room. Alive.

_"She's in there." Derek muttered, not looking away from her._

_"Derek..." Richard said with a faint smile._

_"I swear she smiled..." It was a lie, but they were giving up hope._

_"Derek..." Richard said as he looked Derek in the eyes. "We've decided...we're going to take her off of the life support. She wouldn't want to live like this. We're going to pull the plug..."_

She really had been in there all along. She was there. He knew she was. And now he was right.

"I-- I have to go!" Meredith said as she turned on her heel and ran out of the house. The perfect house. The perfectly broken house. Now it was explained. Now it made more sense. Her vision turned to tunnel vision and she threw the door open and slammed it behind her.

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. It was too much. He was there. Derek Shepherd. The love of her life. Her soul-mate. In Seattle. Married to her friend. She ran to her car. The pain she was feeling decreased as her speed increased. Her feet pounded on the sidewalk. She jumped into the driver's seat, and started the car. She had to get away. She had to run.

Derek was in shock. She can't leave. He can't lose her. Not now. Not after everything. Not after the personal hell that he now lived in. Not after fourteen years of grief and torture. She was there. In his living room. She had been there all along. Right under his nose. Seattle. Seattle Grace. Right here. In his house. The earring? Hers.

"I have to-- 911..." Derek lied as he looked down at his pager and jumped up from the sofa, running outside. He couldn't lose her. He had to find her. And he had to find her now.

Derek pulled out of his driveway quicker than he ever had. Rational thought was out the window. He was on a mission. He had to find her. Reverse. Pause. Drive. Pressing his foot on the gas he made a quick left, right glance at the end of the deserted suburb street, and kept on. He had to catch her. He squinted as he looked off in the distance. A black BMW. It was her. She was dead ahead. So close, and yet so far.

Meredith looked at the traffic ahead of her. The road was pretty deserted. The tears flowed freely from her eyes. Her vision was getting blurry. Eyes red. It was her Derek. The man she loved so much. She didn't want to face him. She wasn't ready. As she drove she started putting the pieces together.

_He leaves this time every time year._

_He wakes up in a cold sweat every night._

_I love him, but he doesn't love me..._

He wasn't happy. All these years. She wanted him to be miserable, and it ended up, he was. He was miserable. And apparently it poured onto everyone else. She felt her heart break, just a little more with every thought. He was married. He moved on. But he didn't. He ran. It kept going through her head. He ran away.

Meredith pulled into her parking spot. She glanced into her rearview mirror and gasped. There he was. Right behind her. His black Denali, pulled up right behind her BMW. Bumper to bumper. She pulled the keys out of the ignition, slamming the door shut as she climbed out. She could hear him. She had to ignore. She couldn't do it.

Derek jumped out of his car, not even bothering to shut the door. The door sat open, keys in the ignition. He had to catch her. He had to see her. He had to feel her soft skin on his hand. He had to feel the warmth that was life. The blood flowing through her veins. The soft shade of healthy flesh. She looked back at him before she began running.

"Meredith! Meredith!" He screamed as he chased after her. She was getting away. But she was trapped. He knew where she was going. But he had to get there before it was too late.

_The perfect words never crossed my mind,_

_'cause there was nothing in there but you,_

_I felt every ounce of me screaming out,_

_But the sound was trapped deep in me,_

"Please! Stop!" He yelled as he chased. He was desperate. Desperate to know that he wasn't crazy. Desperate to know she really was there.

Meredith heard him yelling. Why? Not now. She couldn't do it now. She glanced back. He was too close. She had always thought, every time she went to her door... How would you hurry if their was a mugger approaching? Could you get the key in the hole in time? Now was that time. The time to find out. She got her key ready as she approached. She slid it in. Click. Turn. Push.

"Meredith!" Derek shouted as he reached the door. He reached out. So close. So damn close.

Slam.

In his face. All of his hope. All of his anticipation. She just ran away. She hid. She slammed the door. She left him in the cold. But why? She seemed desperate to escape from him. Almost scared. She looked scared. Scared of him. Scared of the situation. Scared.

_All I wanted just span right past me,_

_While I was rooted fast to the earth,_

_I could be stuck here for a thousand years,_

_Without your arms to drag me out._

"Meredith please. Please. I need to--" Derek cried out. The tears now falling from his eyes. She was dead. And now she's not. And now... Now she wouldn't even look at him. She wouldn't speak to him.

"Please? Mer?" He cried out out at his fist hit the door. It was too much. She was right there, and he couldn't do anything about it. He stood there staring at the door. hoping. Hoping she would open it. She wouldn't. No way. He leaned his back against the door and slid down.

Meredith stood at the door listening to him. More than anything she wanted to open that door. To pretend nothing had happened. To hold him. She wanted to feel his lips on hers. Smell his perfect scent. Feel his touch. But she couldn't. She wouldn't allow herself to feel. She couldn't allow herself to fall back into his trap. Meredith leaned against the slid down, her knees to her chest.

Derek sat there. How could he not piece it together? Why hadn't he listened to Kristy? He could have been happy. He would have known, even if it was just months earlier.

_"So the new resident...I like her." Kristy said as she began dressing. "She's great."_

_"That's nice." Derek said as he lathered up his hair._

_"She's sad. Depressed. But...I don't know. I feel so sorry for her." Kristy said with a frown. "She has been through a lot. She doesn't talk about it."_

_"Oh." Derek muttered as he continued to wash._

_"I think I just need to be there for her. I think I could help her." Kristy said with a hopeful tone._

_"Maybe she doesn't want help." Derek spat. That was how he felt. He didn't want her help. Maybe whoever it was didn't either. Kristy stayed silent._

_"I think I am going to ask her to Joe's. Maybe you could meet us?" Kristy suggested._

_"Maybe." He answered, knowing there was no way in hell he would. He opened the shower door and grabbed a towel, tightly wrapping himself._

_"You won't. You never do. I never see you." She whined as she looked over at him. _

Kristy had went to the bar with her. They drank. They talked. She was with his wife. wife. That word made him sick. Married. A mistake. And now she's back. The love of his life had returned. She was back and he needed her. He thought back to Kristy's hints that he didn't pick up on.

_"It was fun. It was...different. In a good way." Kristy explained._

_"That's nice." Derek said as he looked at the inside of his eyelids._

_"It was. For the first time, in a long time...I just...I felt human." She explained with a sigh. "She's so sad. I don't know how to help her. She seems to be coming along. And then she's not. Whoever hurt her...they hurt her bad."_

_"That's not good." Derek said with a sigh. What the hell was he doing? He didn't care about her friend or her problems._

_"Yeah. She just needs to move on. She needs to find happiness. She just waits. She won't admit it, but she waits. I actually think that she thinks he will come back. It's been over a decade. He's not coming back." She said with a frown. _

_"Why do you care?" He asked as he opened his eyes and looked into her blue ones._

_"What?" She said with confusion._

_"Why do you care about her?" Derek asked. He was getting irritated._

_"I just do. She's a nice person. She needs my help. I want to make a difference." Kristy explained softly._

_"But why? Nothing you say will matter. Maybe she doesn't want your help. You meddle. Maybe she wants peace. Maybe she's happy being miserable." Derek pointed out._

_"Like you?" Kristy asked with a huff._

Whoever hurt her? It was him. She had shared how broken she was with his wife. His wife of all people. She knew. She knew Meredith was broken. Everyone knew. And he got a glimpse of that today. The earring. She had been in his house. And more importantly, she still wore them.

Hours. Hours. Several hours went by. Neither moved. The thoughts of the past flowing freely through their brains. The perfection that they once were, feeling so perfect. She couldn't take it. The pressure. The love. The betrayal. The guilt. The grief. It was a tidal wave.

"Mer...I know you're there. I can feel you..." He said softly. He could he could feel her there. He could feel her through the door. Just as he had at the hospital. And at the bar. She had been there. So close.

"I need to touch your face. I need to feel it. I need to know, Mer. I need to know that you are alive. I have to see it. I won't believe it until I see it. Until I feel you." He said as he voice cracked. People had walked by. he didn't care he didn't care what they thought about him.

Meredith sighed as she stood up. It was too much. She couldn't take it. It had to end. It all had to stop. She sighed again as she looked at the door. The closed door. The piece of wood that separated her from him. She put her hand on the handle and turned.

Derek jumped up. She moved. He could feel it. She was standing just on the other side. She was standing. Waiting. But for what? Derek watched at the door opened. He gasped as he looked at her. It was her. She was there. Standing right in front of him.

_There you are standing right in front of me_

_There you are standing right in front of me_

_All this here falls away to leave me naked,_

_Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety_

Derek stood there in awe. There she was. Right there. He reached his hand up and placed it on her cheek. He smiled as he felt it's warmth. So soft. So perfect. Just as he remembered. It felt like yesterday. Like fourteen years ago.

_No I wont wait forever_

_No I wont wait forever_

_In the confusion and the aftermath,_

_You are my signal fire,_

_The only resolution and the only joy,_

_Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,_

Meredith placed her hand over his. Their eyes never leaving one another's. Her lover. Her soul-mate. The man she lost her virginity to. The one and only man that had taken her heart. The man that consumed her brain. The man that made her feel safe. She was there. She was alive. The love of his life. His soul-mate.

"You're alive..." He whispered.

_No I wont wait forever_

_No I wont wait forever_

_No I wont wait forever_

_**You're all saying finally, right? Well there it is. He found her.**_


	14. Aftermath

His hand on her face. It was how it was meant to be. It felt so right. So perfect. So natural. His soft hand, resting on her soft face. For a moment, she was Meredith and he was Derek. Not Derek the jerk who left her. Not Derek, the coward who ran. Not Derek the broken man. Not Meredith, the woman in pain. Not Meredith, the lonely one. Not Meredith the broken woman. Meredith and Derek. The real Meredith and Derek. The Meredith and Derek they were fourteen years ago.

Derek looked into her eyes. He felt the sensation on his hand that was life. She was there. For the life of him, he couldn't grasp how. He didn't care how. He didn't worry about the specifics. All that mattered was that she was here now. She was alive. She was back from the dead. All that mattered, was that for the first time in fourteen years, he felt alive.

Meredith looked into Derek's blue eyes. She could read him like a book. Shock. Amazement. He had left, and yet here he was, standing in front of her. Standing just as he did years ago. Seeing him, she couldn't be mad. Not in that moment. Every feeling she had ever felt for him was there. She couldn't fight it. She didn't want to try. He was hurt. She saw a lot of hurt. But why? It didn't really matter. At this moment, it didn't matter.

Meredith placed her hands on his face. She could feel the stubble from a five o'clock shadow. It was a feeling she welcomed back with open arms. Her hands rested on his cheeks as she continued to stare at him. Derek looked back at her, resting his hands on her soft cheeks, looking into eyes. It was a force. A strong force. Neither could fight it, and neither was willing to try.

Their lips crashed. They crashed like a thousand tidal waves onto a sandy shore. They crashed like waves, as all of the hope. The want. The need. The guilt. The pent-up frustration came to the top. Meredith's lips rested on his soft ones. His tongue eagerly played at her lips, requesting entrance into the place that he had pined for for so long. Their tongues meshed in an erotic dance of love and hatred. All of it collided in this one kiss. Meredith tasted his sweet taste. A taste that had been in her memory for so long.

They both pulled away breathlessly. Derek looked into her eyes, and began to speak. She quickly placed her finger over his mouth and as leaned in and kissed him again. In one motion, her arms were around his neck, and her legs around his waist. He placed his hands on her thighs and began walking. He stumbled into the pitch black darkness into what he assumed to be her bedroom. He laid her gently on her back, hovering his body over hers.

Derek's mouth trailed from her soft lips to the crook of her neck. He sucked and nipped gently on her soft flesh, tasting is perfect sweetness, a mixture of flowers and her. He smiled as she moaned softly. It never felt so good. It never felt so right. His tongue teased her collarbone just above her v-neck shirt. Derek looked up to see her eyes closed and a soft smile on her face.

Meredith opened her eyes and looked into his. She smiled as her fingers worked on the buttons of his deep red shirt. One. Two. Three. She made her way down until his shirt fell open. She rubbed his chest, not what it once was, but still everything she could want. Derek played at the hem on the bottom of her shirt and teased it's way up. She leaned forward as he slid it over her head. He ran his hands over her soft flesh, his eyes still not adjusted to the dark. Meredith played with his belt. She smiled. It was still the same belt. He was still wearing the same one. She fumbled with his button and zipper, feathering her hand over his rock hard erection. He moaned and took a deep breath at her touch. He stood and let his jeans fall to the floor. She leaned forward as he unclasped and slid her bra off, tossing it aside. his hands ran over her chest. She felt the same. Time had not taken it's toll on her. Maybe emotionally, but not physically.

Derek hovered over her and took her nipple into his mouth, teasing the soft flesh into a hardened peak, Swirling around the soft tissue, his tongue traveled across her crease, not forgetting her other perfect breast. He ran his mouth down her abdomen and gently mouthed her navel, she sucked her stomach in at the sensation. She felt his hands fumble with her jeans. She lifted herself up as he pulled them off and tossed them to the floor. Her ran his hands across her lacy black panties as he hooked them with his fingers and pulled them off. His hand feathered over her soft feminine mound, before her began kissing her inner thighs. She raised herself off the bed as she felt his hot breath on her. She wanted it. She needed it.

Derek looked up at her and smiled as he ran his tongue along her hip. His smile only grew as she made her needs known. Finally he plunged his tongue deep inside her moist core. He grinned again as he felt how wet she was. How ready she was for him. Her taste was sweet, just as he remembered it. He slowly ran his tongue along her clit, pressing against it then flicking softly. Meredith lifted her hips and grabbed the bedsheets as she felt herself starting to climax. Derek increased his speed and pressure as he felt her begin to throb. Harder. And harder. Meredith cried out as her body began to shake. She felt Derek sucking and slurping as she released into his mouth.

"Oh...Mer..." He moaned as he came up and kissed her softly.

She smiled as she ran her hand down his back, curving his hips and meeting her destination. He gasped as he felt her run her hand on the inside of his boxers. He grabbed his large cock and began stroking gently. She watched his eyes close as his faced turned into a look of deep desire.

"Oh god!" He moaned as he felt himself begin to pulsate.

"I need you..." She muttered softly.

She was begging. Pleading. She needed him. The cloud had take over long ago. The fog had enveloped them both. It had taken over their thoughts. Shielding all but desire. There was no stopping. They couldn't and they didn't want to. She watched him stand away from the bed and pull his boxers down. She gasped when she saw his awaiting shaft. A feeling of desperation came over her as she sat up and pulled him down onto her with all of her power. He smiled as they crashed on the bed. She could feel his hardened cock pressing against her. He was seconds away from pushing her over the edge.

"Oh god...please." She moaned as she spread her legs.

Derek looked down at her awaiting pussy. It's pink center begging for relief. Begging him to thrust himself into her. He couldn't take it. He had to. He needed her. He needed her form the depth of his being. He was alive. He was awake. He needed her.

He thrust himself into her hard. He felt her cry out as his length penetrated deep inside, filling a void that hadn't been filled in so long. He paused as he looked into her eyes. A soft smile played upon her lips as she felt them as mesh as one.

"Derek..." She muttered as she ran her hands along his back. "Oh god...Derek." A smile formed as he thrust into her. It never felt so perfect as it did in that moment. So guilt. No worry. No sadness. Just pleasure. Just desire. He pulled out and then pounded back in, watching her close her eyes in pleasure.

"Harder..." She demanded. He moaned as she felt him pull in. Pull out. Push. Pull. In. Out. Perfection. She could feel him start to pulsate inside of her. All the love. the frustration. The need. The want. The time. The passion. It all came together.

"Oh god...Mer...oh god..." He moaned as he felt her begin to tighten around her. They meshed so perfectly. It felt so right.

"Harder...deeper..." She moaned as he thrust harder and harder, watching her face. looking at her eyes.

"Oh...God...I'm..." He moaned as he felt his orgasm taking over, feeling her tighten her muscles around him, clamping down. He felt himself released, pouring himself, filling her.

"Derek...I...oh...wow..." She moaned as her eyes fluttered.

Meredith felt herself release. Their fluids mixed as Derek collapsed breathlessly on top of of her. He laid his head on her chest. He listened to her rapid heartbeat. She was alive. She really was alive. He slowly rolled over onto his back. He looked over at her, she looked at him. A smile formed on their lips.

"I love you..." He muttered softly. She smiled as she rolled close to him and held on for dear life.

Meredith fell asleep, clung to Derek tightly. Derek couldn't sleep. He couldn't risk closing his eyes for fear that it was a dream. For fear that she would be gone and he would wake up at home in his cold bed. Meredith rolled over softly on her back, the sheet laying over her middle. Derek smiled at the faint snoring that filled the room.

The moonlight fell onto her body, covering her with a soft glow. Derek studied her curves. His eyes began to adjust to the dark. He had to take her in. He could never forget this. He leaned over and studied her. His heart jumped into his throat when she saw the faint scarring. Her heart. Her abdomen. Scars. Everywhere scars. It broke his heart. He did that do her. He damaged her. The tears began to fall as he looked at the broken woman that laid before him. But it didn't matter. Because she was alive.

---------------

Meredith stirred until she awoke. It was still dark outside. The moonlight was shining on both of them through the large picture window that showed the city's skyline. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe he was right here, next to her. She looked down to see his arm draped across her. Even in his sleep, he was protecting her. He was holding onto her.

She studied his face. It was weathered, but he still looked the same. She could see the stress of his life in the small creases that shown in the moonlight. But now. Right now, he looked relaxed. He looked comfortable. Content. She watched him. Then it hit her. The ramifications of her actions hit her like a wrecking ball.

He left. He left her. He walked away. It was apparent by the look on his face when she looked at him that he felt guilty. It wasn't good enough. It wasn't a plausible excuse. He left, realized his life was completely messed up, and now he had come crawling back. She couldn't fall into that trap again. She couldn't allow his back in her heart. If she allowed him back in, he would just crush her and take off again. And that, she would not have.

Meredith lifted Derek's arm off of her, and laid it to his side. She looked over at the large Dartmouth tee shirt that was laying over her chair. She pulled it over her naked body and walked out to the living room. The Seattle skyline was amazing. She sat down on her sofa and pulled her knees up to her chest. How could this have happened.

_[iMeredith looked up at her mother. Her mom. She loved her mom, and yet, that wasn't who she wanted to see. Her eyes quickly darted around the room. She was in the hospital. The cold, sterile hospital that she hated so much. She could hear the monitors beeping. They sounded normal. Normal was good. She tried to move her head. She couldn't. Where was Derek? He face turned to panic as she searched. Where is he? She tried to move her mouth, it wouldn't._

_"Don't try to talk. Your jaw is broken." Ellis whispered. Why is my jaw broken? What is wrong? Where is Derek?_

_Days went by. No Derek. Nothing. Days. A week. No Derek. She was worried. What happened to me? What happened to him? Was he dead? The silence was the worst part. Not being able to communicate. Only to exist in her own personal hell. A hell with no knowledge. No understanding. _

_"Derek..." She finally mustered without moving her mouth as Ellis leaned in._

_"Derek?" Ellis said as he face fell. She read Meredith's eyes. "I'm so sorry, honey. He couldn't...He... He couldn't do it. He couldn't handle it. He left. He's gone. Gone forever." She said softly. _

_Gone. Dead? Gone. Where? Where has he gone? He couldn't handle what? She was more confused than every. he couldn't handle it. Then it it her. Her left because of the condition she was in. He left because he didn't love her._

_She laid there for weeks. She wouldn't talk. They begged her. They knew she could. She wouldn't. He left. She expected him to walk in, with his signature smile. She expected to wake up to him holding her hand, planting a soft kiss on her. He didn't. She suffered through surgeries. She suffered through physical therapy. She suffered. And he wasn't there.[/i_

Meredith sat there, knees to her chest, tears pouring down. How could he do that to her? How could he just walk away. All he had to say was that he didn't love her. All he had to saw was that it didn't work out. That they weren't meant for each other. Just communication. A little bit of communication. At least then she could have tried to understand it. At least then she would have had some warning.

_[i Looks like I'm 'a do everything myself_

_Maybe I could use some help_

_But hell, you want something done right_

_You gotta do it yourself_

_Maybe life is up and down_

_But, my life's been what to now?_

_I crawled up your butt from hell_

_And that's when things got turned around[/i_

And Kristy. She was innocent. She loved Derek. She was trying. Deep down in her heart, she was praying it would work. She was praying that it would all get better. And it was. Things were getting better. They were going to marriage counseling. They were improving. She didn't deserve any of this. All she did was love him. She just fell into a trap. And she fell unknowingly.

_[iIt used to be a lie_

_And now it feels pathetic_

_And now I get it_

_What's done is done_

_You just leave it alone_

_And don't regret it_

_Sometimes some things turn into dumb things_

_And that's when you put your foot down[/i_

She was poison. Meredith. Poison. They were happy. And then she came back into the picture. Now she had once again ruined someone's life. The only reason they were fighting again was her. The memory of her. Hurt. Shame. Guilt. And now. Now she had slept with him. Damn him and his eyes. His charismatic smile. She couldn't control herself. The guilt ate her up as the tears poured.

_[iWhy did I have to go and meet somebody like you? _

_Why do you have to go and hurt somebody like me? _

_How could you do somebody like that_

_You know that I'm never coming back[/i_

Derek opened his eyes slowly. He was hoping to see the love of his life looking back it him. And empty bed. He was greeted with an empty bed. Panic set in. She was gone. She ran. Or maybe she was never there. Maybe it was a paranoid delusion. He jumped out of the bed and threw his boxers on. There she was in an oversized Dartmouth tee shirt, pulled to her ankles. His smile turned to a frown when he saw her sitting on the sofa, knees to her chest, sobbed wracking her body.

_[iDepending on you is done _

_Giving to you is done_

_No more eating, no sleeping, no living_

_It's all just what giving to you and I'm done[/i_

"Meredith..." He said as he approached her, placing his hand on her arm.

"No!" She shouted as she smacked him away. "Don't touch me! Get your hands off of me!" She screamed as as she glared at him.

"Meredith..." He said as he tried to rest his hand on her back. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong? You have got to be fucking kidding me!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Get out! Get our of my house." She yelled as she stood and shoved him back, running to her room.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he followed her into her room. She grabbed a suitcase and threw it on the bed.

"Derek, I want you out of my house!" She yelled as she stepped back and forth to the dresser, throwing her clothes in. She bent down, rolling his clothes into a ball, throwing it at him. He put his hands up and let them fall to the floor.

_[iBut hiding from you is done _

_But lying from you is done_

_No more eating, no sleeping, no living_

_It's all just what giving to you and I'm done[/i_

"Meredith. Meredith! Stop! Just stop." He said loudly as he grabbed her arms and stopped her.

"I hate you! I hate you!" She yelled as she ripped her arms away from him. "How could you? You-- Now I'm a whore. I'm the other woman! I can't do this! I have to go. I can't- Not again. I can't be broken again." She cried out as she began filling her bag. She peeled off her tee shirt and threw on a bra and panties, not caring that he was there. Next came her jeans and a shirt.

"No. No you aren't leaving." He told her frankly as he stood in front of her.

"The hell I'm not!" She said as she glared at him. "I told you to leave. I don't ever want to see you again, Derek!"

_[iWhy did I have to go and meet somebody like you? _

_Why do you have to go and hurt somebody like me? _

_How could you do somebody like that_

_You know that I'm never coming back[/i_

"I'm not leaving. You're not leaving." He told her firmly. She grabbed her suitcase and headed towards the door. "What happened?" He asked in shock. "What happened to you?"

"You! You're what happened to me!" She screamed as she began to break down. "How could you? Why couldn't you just tell me? It's okay. I would have-- If you didn't love me... I waited. I wanted forever. I waited for years. Even after you left. Even after you emptied the apartment, I waited. You didn't come. You didn't come..." She cried out as she looked at him, the tears falling from her eyes. She turned and began to walk towards the door.

"Meredith... I didn't leave you. I would never leave you. I couldn't. I loved you. I love you. I. Love. You. You- You were dead. You died. I left because you died..." He said as the tears fell from his eyes.

"What?" She said as she turned and looked at him. Her bag in her hand dropped to the floor. "What are you talking about?"

"I didn't leave you... How could you think I would leave you?" He asked in shock as he looked into her eyes. "You died... I thought you died..." He said as his stomach flopped over and over. It was as if she didn't understand. He didn't understand why she didn't get it.

"No! Obviously I didn't die, Derek. I'm standing right here!" She shouted angrily. "Last I checked, I was breathing. I even had a heartbeat. Can you believe it?" She said sarcastically as she stuck her hand on her jugular.

"No, Mer..." He said in shock, he didn't even know what to say. She looked at him as he ran his hands over his face. That was something he did when he was frustrated, when he was nervous. "They pulled the plug..."

"Pulled the plug? What do you mean, pulled the plug?" She said as her heart jumped to her throat. She began pacing back in front of the door. She couldn't grasp it. What was he talking about? "What do you mean, pulled the plug?" She shouted loudly.

"Richard and Ellis. They decided... They didn't think you would make it." Derek said regrettably as he watched her go back and forth.

"Why wouldn't I make it? I was in a coma, why would they-- What plug?" She said when it finally hit her.

"They were talking you off of life support." He said as he looked into her eyes.

"Life support. Life support... I was in a coma. I can't on life support." She said as she stopped and glared at him. "Why are you doing this? Why would you lie to me?" She said as she looked up at him, tears in her eyes.

"Meredith..." He said as he grabbed his shoulders and looked straight into her eyes. "When have I ever lied to you?" He said softly.

She looked at his eyes. Never. Not once had he ever lied to her, no matter what it was. He was always honest. That was why she loved him so much. She trusted him with her life. A sickening feeling washed over her. She looked up at him and quickly turned away. Life support. Death. He thought she died. Ellis and Richard took her off. They were willing to let her die. They gave up on her. They were willing to let her die. She was in there and they gave up.

It was too much. Lies. Too many lied. Deceit. She didn't know what to thing. Sick. She quickly ran to the trashed can and retched. She felt his hand rub her back as she continued to vomit. There was nothing in there. She hadn't eaten since she could remember. The sour taste of bile filled her mouth as she spat.

"You've never lied." She said as she looked up and him, wiping her face. "You've never lied..."

"I'm so sorry...I thought you knew." He said as his face fell.

"Please. Please just tell me. Tell me the truth." She said as her bloodshot eyes met his.

Derek drew in a deep breath as he followed her into the living room. This was not what he wanted he didn't want this to fall into his lap. It was obvious that Ellis and Richard had deceived her. and now it was on him. Now he was going to be the one to expose the truth. He was going to be the one that would shatter a family. And he didn't want to do it.

"Maybe you should talk to Ellis and Richard." He said as his eyes dropped to the floor.

"Derek...please. You owe me this." She said as her eyes pleaded with him. "Please. I just... I don't understand. I know about the accident. I know about the surgeries. But I-- I woke up. I was in a coma and I woke up."

"No, Mer..." He said softly. "You... You crashed several times on the way to the hospital. Traumatic aortic disruption. They lost you, you were dead. But they kept bringing you back. You-- You--" He started to sob. "You were broken...every piece of you was broken. They had to put you on life support. There was no brain function. I stayed. I knew you were in there. They said you were brain dead... But I knew... You were in there. They picked a date...They picked a date..." Derek went on as he thought back.

[i_It was a sunny day. Derek opened the shades and let the sun in the room. Meredith loved the sun. and he knew she needed it. He watched the warm light fall on her bruised face. Still no movement. No sounds. But she was in there. He knew it. _

_"Derek?" Richard said as he walked in the room. _

_"She's in there." Derek muttered, not looking away from her._

_"Derek..." Richard said with a faint smile._

_"I swear she smiled..." It was a lie, but they were giving up hope._

_"Derek..." Richard said as he looked Derek in the eyes. "We've decided...we're going to take her off of the life support. She wouldn't want to live like this. We're going to pull the plug..."_

_"No! I will not let this happen! Richard, she's in there. There is still hope. She will wake up. She needs a little time." Derek pleaded as if it were her last hope. As if he was hanging on by a string._

_"Derek... I- She is gone, damn-it! This is killing me. It's killing Ellis. We can't watch her like this, No one deserves this fate. No one deserves to rot in a bed. She needs flipped because of bedsores. She needs to be bathed. She isn't there. And if I can put her out of her misery, I will." He said frankly outside of her room._

_"Do you think I don't know that? She will wake up. She will be fine. Do you think I don't see the things going on here. I see that she's being bathed and flipped. But-- Now is not the time to give up. Damn-it! I know you and Ellis are busy. I'm here. I read to her. I talk to her. And I don't mind. I'll do it. I'm always here. I'll take care of her. Don't worry about it. I will do it." Derek said at a last attempt._

_"Derek. I know you have good intentions... We're surgeons. The doctors here are doing an exemplary job. They have said there is no hope. Derek, there's no hope. You're young. And intelligent. You will go far. Don't let this drag you down. Move on. Don't let it ruin your life..." Richard said softly._

_"How can caring for the love of my life drag me down? I can't give up on her. I won't. No way. I will not give up on her." Derek said as he looked in the room at a peaceful Meredith._

_"Say your goodbyes. We have to do this. It's time." Richard said with pursed lips and he put his hand on Derek's shoulder. "Friday..."_

_Richard walked away. Derek sat in the chair next to Meredith. How could they do that? How could they put a date on it? Friday. It was scheduled. Just like one of their surgeries. Ellis just didn't want to have this dragged her down. She was far to busy to take ten minutes out of her day to check on Meredith. It was Derek who spent every moment with her. Every single moment._

_Friday crept up fast. Derek did everything he could. There was nothing he could do. Not legally. Not emotionally. Not physically. He spent every second with her. Reading her favorite books to her. Telling her was was going on in the world. He knew she was listening. He knew she could here him. The damn monitors didn't make a damn bit of difference. He knew. And there wasn't a thing he could do about it. They had all of the power. They had the power and they were ruling with an iron fist._

_He looked up at the clock. That was scheduled too. Three. It was close. Say your goodbyes._

_"Mer- I'm so sorry..." He cried out. "I didn't-- If I hadn't been driving. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I don't-- I know you're in there. I know you are. I need more time. they won't give it to me. We were supposed to be happy. The picket fence, the dog, the children. That was us, Meredith and Derek. You are the love of my life. I can't breathe. Without you... You are my oxygen. I don't know how I'll survive. I can't- I won't make it. I love you too much. I can't imagine not smelling your hair again. Or feeling your soft lips on mine. You were going to be the mother of my children. My forever. We were going to live out our lives, your hand in mine. Old, now now. Not before we got started. I can't say goodbye, because I can't imagine my life without you. No matter what, I will always love you. No matter where we are, our love will shine through." She said as he cried. He sobbed. His shoulders shook. How can you do this? How do you say goodbye. Forever. Goodbye._

_Derek glanced up at the doctor. A wave of rage washed over him. He wanted to kill him. He did. One of the only times in his life when he wanted to do physical harm. He wanted to resort to violence. Deep down, he knew it wasn't the surgeons fault. Or the doctors. Or the nurses. It was Richard and Ellis. Richard, he never thought was the type. Ellis, yes. Richard, he cared. But yet, it seemed he had given up. And the sad part was, he honestly thought he was doing what was best._

_"What is he doing here?" Ellis shouted at Richard as he pointed at Derek. Derek stood quickly, not knowing what to do. "What is he doing here!" She screamed irately._

_"Ellis, calm down. He belongs here." Richard said as he looked into her eyes._

_"No! NO! He does not belong here!" She screamed from the doorway. Derek stood there in shock. "Get out!" She screamed._

_"Ellis, please. Don't do this here. Not in front of--" Richard said as he looked over at Meredith._

_"My daughter? My vegetable daughter? The one that has to brain function?" She said loudly. "You did this!" She yelled as she approached Derek. "You killed my daughter! This is your fault." She yelled as she began beating his chest. "You took her from me!" She continued. Richard quickly approached and pulled her back. _

_"I-- I--" Derek said as he walked passed them and went outside of the room. He ran his hands through his hair and gasped for breath. _

_You killed her._

_This is your fault._

_You took her from mer._

_"Derek... You belong here. Come in." Richard said as he approached. Derek wiped the tears from his cheeks and walked into the room._

_"First I'm going to..." The doctor started to explain._

_"You don't have to. We're all doctors here." Ellis said as she cried._

_"Derek doesn't-" Richard started to say._

_"I don't give a shit about Derek. He shouldn't be here. Anyone who matters already knows the procedure. Please, just-- Please just put her out of her misery." Ellis said softly._

_Derek watched as he approached her. They began removing the tube. The walls were closing in. You killed her. Tighter and tighter they caved. This is your fault. He couldn't breathe, the pressure was building. You took her from me. He couldn't breathe her couldn't do it. he couldn't say goodbye. He could do it. His stomach flopped. His heart raced. Goodbye. _

_Derek gasped for air as he turned on his heel. He walked. A long strided, low to the ground, stumbling walk. Faster, Faster. Dragging his feet. Stalking. He had to get away. He couldn't do this. He couldn't watch her leave. He couldn't feel her could body. he couldn't watch them cover her with a sheet. He ran. You killed her. This is your fault. You took her from me. He ran as quickly as he could, never looking back.[/i_

Derek watched as she crumbled in front of him. She looked like her world had fallen apart. She looked as if she would never be able to pick up the pieces. It was scary. All those years, he thought he had killed her. And yet she really was alive. And now she was alive, and he had just killed her all over again. Before she was physically dead. And now. Now he had emotionally killed her.

Derek wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed. Holding her close as she rocked her body. Time ticked by with her in his arms. Life had death them a bad hand. Life fucked them. Both suffered daily for fourteen years. All because of a stupid mistake. All because he didn't stay. Because apparently Richard and Ellis had known but let him walk. And maybe he deserved it. he was coward, and karma bit him. He was a coward, and he suffered for fourteen years. Finally she looked up at him.

"They were going to let me die. If I hadn't-- they were going to let me die..." She said in shock. "They said you ran. You did. You really did run." She said as she pulled away from him.

"No, Mer--" He said in disbelief. What was she thinking?

"You left me...how could you?" She cried. He didn't attempt to hold her. "You know what hurts? I would have held your hand. No matter what, I would have held your hand. I would have kissed your lips as you took your last breath. You left me. To die alone. with my mother. You left me to die..." She said as she looked up into his eyes.

"Mer, I love you." He said as he read the hurt in his eyes. It cut like a knife, deep and sharp.

"It's not enough." She said as she looked into his eyes. "It's not enough..." She stood up and walked to her room, shutting the door behind her.


	15. Time

Click. Not slam. Not bang. Click. He could deal with a simple click. That wasn't angry. That wasn't violent. It was her walking away. But for the moment, she wasn't running. For the moment, he knew just where she was. And as upset as he was, that she was hiding, it was better then two days ago. It was better than dead.

Derek sat there on her tan leather sofa with his head in his hands. He wasn't sure what to do. He had just told her so much. He had just ripped her world apart. It was obvious that she was broken before he came along. Between what Kristy had told him, and the look on her face when she was him, he pieced it together. He knew she had been through a lot of trauma.

Derek couldn't explain himself. She didn't understand. And he could see why. Hell, everyday of the last fourteen years, he regretted what he did. The accident was an accident. Everyone could admit that. Apparently she had accepted that part. The bad part, the part that got her was that he didn't stay. He should have, he knew that. But in that moment, he was a coward. In that moment, it was just too much.

Derek sat on the sofa listening. Silence. No cries. No sobs. No throwing things. No furniture crashing into anything. Dead silence. And that was something he didn't like. Dead. His attention was taken when he heard the familiar sound of a key in a lock. Just who was coming in? And should he be here?

Derek looked up, anticipating the worst. And it was. Or very close to it. Blue met blue. Two icy glares met in anger. How could he be here? What the hell was he doing here? Why was Mark in Meredith's apartment? And more importantly, why did he have a key? Then it hit him. There was a good reason. A reason that fit. And it made him sick.

Mark placed the key in the lock. He turned the handle and pushed the door open. He would have never guessed just who was waiting for him on the sofa. His blue eyes were met with those of his former friend. What was he doing here? He broke her, he didn't have the right to be here. He stepped up, not taking his eyes off of him. He needed answers.

"Derek." Mark said as he walked forward.

"Mark." Derek said as he stood and approached him.

"What are you doing here?" Mark asked quickly as he looked around for Meredith.

"What are you doing here?" Derek asked as he stared at his friend.

"Well, I live here. You didn't answer my question." Mark said as he raised his voice. "What exactly are you doing here?"

"I am here with Meredith." Derek said quickly, ready to fight.

"Well, I don't see her." Mark said as he glanced at the closed bedroom door.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here? What makes you think you can move in on her like this? She doesn't need a bastard like you around her!" Derek said out of pure anger.

"Me? You! You are the asshole that left her when she needed you. You're the bastard that nearly killed her in an accident, and then decided you didn't want to stick around for the aftermath. You know what surprises me? I never would have expected it from you. I never thought you would hurt her. How could you watch her suffer and then say goodbye?" Mark said genuinely. Derek listened to his words. "You're the asshole. I'm cleaning up the mess."

"I didn't-- I-- I couldn't do it." Derek finally spat out as he dropped his head.

"Ho long did you wait? Was she through physical therapy or was she still laying in the bed in pain?" Mark asked loudly as he stared his friend down.

"She-- I thought- Mark, I thought she was dead. Richard and Ellis-- They-- I had to leave. I couldn't take it. Ellis didn't want me there. I didn't deserve to be there. It was my fault. I couldn't bear to say goodbye. I thought she was dead." Derek explained before he started to sob.

Derek didn't sob. Not in front of people. But Mark- Mark had been around since the beginning. They grew up together. They were best friends. Were. Were best friends. Derek covered his face as the tears fell hard and fast. He gasped for breath, trying to breathe, trying to calm himself. He felt a pair of strong arms wrap around him. And in that moment, he let himself fall.

"Derek...I'm-- I am so sorry." Mark said as he looked into the red eyes of his friend. "I was pissed. Pissed at ellis and Richard. Pissed at god. Pissed at the world. I don't know why I said it. The minute it came out of my mouth, I regretted it. It was too much. I was an asshole. I was thinking about myself. She was-- She's the love of your life. I was selfish, and if I could go back, I would. I'd take it back. But I can't... I can't." He said emotionally as he looked at Derek. Derek sat there in shock. They sat there in a comfortable silence.

"How... How did you- When? When did you find out she didn't die?" Derek finally asked, feeling as if he missed out. He was misdealt this hand.

"Two months ago. All of those years I though she was dead. And one night in an on-call room, there she was." Mark said in shock and amazement.

"This is--" Derek said as he attempted to absorb everything.

"I know..." Mark agreed as he shook his head. "I moved in because I was worried about her. She wasn't taking care of herself. She was-- She sleeps with a bottle of tequila in her hand." He said sadly. He had to explain. He didn't want Derek getting the wrong idea.

"Where is she?" Mark asked as he looked around.

"In her room... I- I screwed up, Mark. I told her the truth. I told her about Richard and Ellis. I told her why I left. I didn't know that she wasn't told anything. I screwed up." Derek said as he shook his head.

"You left her?" Mark said in shock as he jumped up.

"Ellis and Richard-" Derek started to say,

"No! Now. You left her now? She's- You can't- She might try to hurt herself!" Mark said as he rushed to the door.

"What? Mer, she wouldn't..." Derek said in disbelief.

"You don't know her. Not anymore," Mark said as he turned the handle of her bedroom door. Both of their hearts broke as they say her laying in the fetal position on the bed.

"Let me-" Mark said confidently.

"I-" Derek wanted to be the one. He didn't want Mark comforting her. But Mark had been there. He had been taking care of her. "Okay..." He said sadly as he turned and walked away.

Mark walked into the quiet room. She wasn't crying. Her shoulders weren't moving violently. She was silent. She was still. He slowly crawled onto the bed next to her. Her eyes were open and he stared right into them.

"I didn't know, Mer. I didn't-- I was there. Five days before they pulled the plug. I came, I said my goodbyes. Derek- He tried everything to stop it. Everything. They wouldn't change there minds. He said he would take care of you, he said they wouldn't have to do anything. They wouldn't have it..." Mark explained as he stared into her cold, sad eyes.

"He was always there, Meredith. He suffered. He put you before himself. He never left that hospital, not for a second. Hell, we had to kick him out to get him to shower. We all joked that if anything would wake you up, it was his assy smell. It was scary. We were all scared. Scared of what would happen. But not Derek. He was optimistic. He swore you would wake up. He never gave up hope. He read to you. He told you how much he loved you. Held your hand. Played your favorite songs. Think about it, why would he do all that, just to leave? He wouldn't. Derek doesn't leave. Derek didn't leave. You don't understand what it was like for him. I know they are you mom and dad, but Mer, they made his life hell. Not they. Ellis. She-- I'm amazed he lasted as long as he did. He tried so hard. He was always there. And deep down, you know it..." Marks said as he looked into her eyes. She finally focused on him and spoke.

"Nancy had a baby." Meredith said softly.

"What?" Mark said in confusion.

"He told me. I heard him. He was there, holding my hand, and he said Nancy had her baby. It was a boy. Jacob Davis. I knew. I had no way of knowing. I woke up, and I knew that. I felt him. I knew he was there. But then when I woke up, he wasn't." She said as she started to cry.

"Meredith, he wanted to be. It wore him down. They wore him down. They convinced him it was his fault. I wore him down. I told him it was his fault. I told him he killed you. I regret it. It was a horrible thing to say. It was rotten. Everyone pushed. They tore layers off of him. They grabbed his heart and stomped on it. We hurt him. We broke him down. He has walked around for the last fourteen years thinking he killed you. It's not his fault. He didn't know... He just didn't know..." Mark said as he watched her cry. She finally pulled him close.

"Why? Why did this have to happen to us?" Meredith said as she cried.

"I don't know, Mer. I don't know..." Mark said sadly.

"What do we do know? How do we go on?" She said as she looked up into his eyes, expecting him to have a brilliant plan.

"We just do. We get up. We put one foot in front of the other and we walk. We move on." He said matter-of-factly.

Meredith shook her head as she pulled herself out of bed. They both walked out into the living room in silence. She looked into Derek's eyes. Mark was right. He was right about everything. Meredith walked over to Derek. He stood in front of her. She put her arms around him and laid her head on his chest.

"One foot in front of the other. And we walk." She said softly. He took a deep breath, and sighed. What a mess.

Derek looked up at Mark and gave him a thankful nod. Mark returned it with one of his own. Meredith and Derek. They just fit. They always had. Like the perfect puzzle. Their pieces being the only ones that would ever work. And that's why they were so miserable. That's why neither could move on. Because deep down, they knew each other was out there. Just waiting. Mark smiled as he turned on his heel and walked to his bedroom, closing the door.

"What do we do? What do we do next?" Derek asked breathing in her soft lavender scent.

In his mind, it was perfect. It was a fantasy. In his fantasy they would hold each other for the rest of their lives. They would live out the rest of their days in each other's arms, not caring what anyone else thought or felt. He was hoping for something great. He was hoping for pure joy. For bliss. He was hoping she would never let go. Here's hoping.

"I don't know, Derek. I'm so scared, because I don't know." She said as a tear ran down her cheek.

His heart. It was beating. It was beating just for her. And she could hear it. She held onto it. She held onto that feeling. The feeling of perfection. The feeling of contentment. Feeling as if, no matter what, everything will be okay.

"Everything will be okay." He whispered into her ear.

"How? How will it be okay?" She said loudly as she pulled back. "I wish I could believe you, I do. But how can I? You have a wife. A wife who happens to be my best friend. And I-- I have a-- I can't- It's not going to be alright. No matter what, people will end up hurt. We've both been hurt. I just want the hurting to stop. I don't want anyone to feel what I have been feeling all of these years." She said as she looked into his deep blue eyes.

"Mer..." He said softly as he looked at her, agreeing with every word.

"We can't do this. You can't-- This has to stop. Something has to move. Things have to roll. We can't sit here...we can't do this. I-- I need time, Derek. I have to think. I have to absorb all of this." She said as she looked up at him with teary eyes. She heard the click of Mark's door.

"I love you, Meredith. And I--" Derek started to say before she cut him off.

"Don't say it. Just think. We need time. You need to think. I need to think." She said with a nod, desperately trying to convince him.

"Time... I can't." Derek said. He wasn't letting her go. He wasn't risking it. He couldn't lose her again.

"Fourteen years. It has been fourteen years. 5110 days. I need time. You need time. I have to have a few days to myself. A few days to think. Days, weeks. I just-- I need it." She said, taking a deep breath.

"I don't want to lose you." He said as his eyes began to well up. He couldn't imagine going back to yesterday morning. Back to hell.

"You don't have me. I don't have you. We are lost." She said frankly.

You don't have me. It was like a punch in the gut. It made him sick. She was his. He didn't own her. No one could possible own Meredith Grey. He knew that. But she was his. Every piece of them fit. Their hearts only beat for each other. Their souls only knew the companionship of one another's. When they had sex. It wasn't sex, it was love. It was passion. It was two people coming together in perfect harmony. He had her.

I don't have you. How could she say that? Could she not see? She did have him. She had his heart and soul. She owned every piece of him that mattered. Every little bit of him that meant anything was hers. Without her, he was dead. He had been dead for all those years. Now that she was back, it came together. He came alive. She did have him.

We are lost. Those words, they cut. We are lost. They were lost. Beyond lost. They had been drifting in the ocean on life boats. Tossing with the waves, crashing with the tide. Washing onto shore, only to find that neither was there waiting. They were adrift. They had been floating for so long. And even when the coast guard would show up, they refused help. Because there was no help. Not unless their soul-mate was there. And now, in the vast sea. Out of the dark horizon, they found one another. Their boats crashed in an unlikely place, at an unlikely time. That was fate. That was the way it was meant to be. And that doesn't happen twice. Not lost. Found.

"You have me. You have my heart. You have my soul." He said as he tipped her chin, forcing her to look up. "And I don't want it back." He said as he kissed her on the forehead.

"Promise me, you'll think about it. Really think." She said as she looked into his eyes.

"I don't need to. The minute our eyes locked, I knew." He said with a smile. "But I'll promise you. One one condition." He said as he raised his eyebrow.

"What?" She whispered, scared of what was to come.

"You promise me. You promise me that you won't run." He said. She quickly dropped her eyes. "Meredith, look at me." He said as he tipped her chin again. "Promise me."

Meredith looked into his eyes. She wanted nothing more than to be with him forever. Nothing more than to just forget the hell they have lived for the past fourteen years. But she couldn't do anymore hurting. Too many people hurt as it was. She couldn't do that. She could cause anyone pain. Not after feeling it herself. She bit her lower lip as she contemplated.

"Meredith..." He whispered. He looked at her and then at Mark. Meredith looked at him, and then at Mark.

"I won't run." She said with a sigh.

"And I will think." He said as he kissed her on the forehead again. "And no matter what, I will always love you." He whispered into her ear and then walked off and out the door.

"Oh, Mark." She said as she flopped own in the sofa, hunching over, playing with her hands. She heard a faint knock at the door. Mark walked over and answered it. Meredith looked up and sighed.

"I tried to leave. I really did." He said with a chuckle. "Either someone has stolen my car...or they towed it." Derek said quickly.

"Is it a Yukon Denali?" Mark asked with a laugh. Derek nodded "A & S towing. I'll take you."

"I guess that's waht I get for parking illegally, leaving the door open, and leaving it running." Derek said with a laugh as Mark grabbed his keys. Derek flashed her a hopeful smile before they both walked out.

Meredith sat there on the sofa. She had no idea what to do. It was in inner struggle. What she wanted to do. And what was right. She knew what Derek wanted. Hell, she knew what Derek wanted before she even knew who Derek was. She knew his past with Kristy. She knew that they were trying. Were trying. But still in the back of her head, the little voice screamed. And it screamed loud.

There was, however, one thing she did know for sure. She knew just who she needed to see. And just where she needed to go. And it would not be pretty.

**The end of the daily updates. I know, it's a tragedy. But I have NLYHA and that comes first.**


	16. House of Cards

Meredith climbed into her BMW. It wasn't even hers. It was her mother's car. She had it until the lease was up. It made her sick. Driving that car was like taking charity. Liking accepting the poison that had been fed to her for the past fourteen years. Part of her was contemplating whether or not she should just take a cab. She couldn't be stupid and petty. Not now. Now she needed to get there. She needed to get there while the wounds were still fresh. While the hatred was still there.

Meredith drove five miles over the speed limit. That was where she topped out these days. In the Corvette all she did was speed. She loved racing off the line when the light turned green. She loved the power surge that came when she left them sitting in her dust. Not anymore. Now she was cautious. She had learned how dangerous cars could be.

She pulled up to her mother's black Mercedes. Key in hand, she stood there and looked at the rich black paint. She could so easily run her key along it, marking it. She could give her mother's car the scars that she had. It was stupid. Her mom would just have it sent to the shop tomorrow. It was no big deal. Like it never happened. It would be a waste of time, and a waste of money. Money she wouldn't even miss.

She decided the second she stepped foot inside. She didn't like Seattle Presbyterian. It felt cold. It felt overly sterile. It had a chill in the air. That was a dead giveaway. A chill in the air. Her mother was around. She made her way into the elevator to the surgical floor. The floor where she didn't have the right to be going. At this moment, she didn't care.

Looks were given. She walked off of the elevator, and looks were given. No one said anything. They should be saying something. They should be stopping her. They should be protecting their own. Protecting the patients. Protecting her mother. She looked at the wall. She read the sign. She wasn't even sure how, but she just knew where to go. She just knew.

Her eyes were ablaze as she walked down the hall. Stormed. Stormed was more fitting. Stalked, even. Her steps were loud and purposeful as she walked, quickening her pace as her eyes met her target. Their eyes locked onto each other's. There she was, standing in her black scrubs. No idea what was to come.

She looked innocent. As innocent as Ellis Grey could possibly look. She had a faint smile on her face as the sight of her daughter. Her smile quickly changed as she met her glare. As she saw the seriousness in her face. Her stomach tightened. It hit her. The moment had come. The moment of truth.

"Meredith, dear, what are you doing here?" She said quickly. She had to keep talking. She had to prolong the inevitable. "If you're here for lunch... I can't today. I have back to back surgeries. No time to eat. Maybe Richard is around. I'm sure he would love to have lunch with you."

"I'm not here for lunch, mother." She said with a clenched jaw.

"Oh..." Ellis said as she looked at her daughter. Her eyes were cold. They were angry.

"How could you do it? How could you do this to me?" Meredith said coldly as she glared at her mother.

"Do what, dear?" Ellis said softly.

"You lied! You lied to me!" Meredith shouted loudly, causing people to look.

"Meredith, I don't know what you're talking about, but I think we should go to my office." Ellis said as she began to walk away. She felt Meredith's hand grip her arm and pull her back.

"We're doing this here." Meredith said quickly. "You were going to let me die! You were going to pull the plug. You gave up on me. You were willing to let me die..."

"Meredith... It wasn't like that." Ellis snapped. Meredith looked at her mother. It came back. A memory. It came back.

"Bullshit. I remember..." Meredith spat as she held her mother's arm.

_[i "I don't know, Ellis. Maybe Derek is right, maybe there is a chance." Richard said as he looked down at the little girl that was like a daughter to him._

_"Derek Shepherd is not a doctor. He's not even in med school yet. He is lying. He wants you to think that she is improving. It's his guilt talking. Read the results, she's a vegetable, Richard." Ellis said loudly as she looked at her daughter's monitor._

_"Ellis, you're talking about ending her life. Who has the right to end someone's life?" Richard said, the turmoil inside of him evident._

_"It's humane. This-- We can't let her lay there like this. If she were a dog..." Ellis said quickly._

_"A dog? Did you just compare our daughter to a dog?" He said in complete and utter shock._

_"These decisions... Richard this will break us. It will break you. It will break me. Do you know the type of care she will need? The time it will take?" Ellis asked._

_"Who cares? She will have the best care. We can provide the best care. And Derek, he's here for her." Richard said warmly._

_"Derek is not here for her. Derek is the reason she is like this. He is the reason she is here. And he won't stay. He'll get tired of it and he'll run. Richard, would she want to be like this? Would she want to lay in a bed forever?" Ellis asked._

_"If there was a chance, yes." Richard said quickly._

_"There isn't! You know as well as I do. I can't do this. I won't. I have a life. She had a life. I raised her. I can't take care of her now. I can't do this. I don't want to. I don't want it to drag everyone down. I love her. You know I love her. But this is-- It's asking a lot. If I thought there was a chance-- We just need to pull the plug." She said as she looked at her daughter._

_"I can't believe you. She is your child. I can't believe you." He said in disbelief as he turned away._

_"She shouldn't suffer. We have the power to take away her suffering." _

_"How do you know she's suffering?" Richard snapped as he turned around._

_"How do you know she's not?" Ellis asked as she met his glare._

_"According to you, her brain function is not there. So according to you, she isn't suffering." Richard quickly said._

_"Richard, I need you. I need your support. I am trying to be merciful. I am trying to do what I think is best." She said as she looked into his eyes._

_"What if we make the wrong decision?" He said we worry._

_"We'll have to make sure we don't." Ellis said as she pulled him close. She wouldn't do it. She wouldn't let it bring her down.[/i_

"You gave up. You gave up on me. And then you lied about it. You didn't want to be strapped down by the responsibility of taking care of me. You didn't want to deal with it." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"That's not how it went." Ellis defended. "You-- You don't understand. You weren't there."

"Derek... Derek told me everything." She said as she matched her mother's icy glare.

"That's what this is about? Derek. Derek the boy who nearly killed you. Derek who cared so much. He's lying, Meredith. Can't you see that? It's the guilt. The guilt of leaving." She said with a chuckle.

"Derek wouldn't lie. Derek has never lied to me." She said forcefully. "He never lied."

"You don't know him. He walked away." Ellis said quickly. "Derek Shepherd is a coward." Ellis spat with a smile.

That was all it took. That was the last straw. They was what broke the camel's back. That was the tipping point. She had ruined lives. She had been a tornado. She changed the course of everything. Meredith glared at her mother. She almost had a smug smile on her face. And that was it.

Meredith raised her hand and cracked Ellis across the mouth. She had never hit her mother. She had never hit anyone. Well, not out of anger. Not like that. There was emotion in the blow. There was hatred. And anger. She deserved it. It felt good. It felt empowering.

Ellis touched her hand to her cheek. She could feel the heat coming to the surface. Her daughter hit her. She struck her. She couldn't believe it. What had she done? It was over. By the look on Meredith's face, she knew. It was over. The lies. The relationship. Over.

Ellis felt the knot in her stomach grow. It was over. It was so unbelievably over. Bad decisions. They happened. Lies. They happened too. Ellis lived in a house of lies. It was built brick by brick. Lie by lie. On the outside, it was surrounded by a fence of deception. Ellis looked into her eyes. It was over. Right in front of her eyes, the house of lies crumbled. Bricks with words, scattered on the lawn. The fence, laying on the ground. Over.

She thought back to that day. One day, changed the course of everything. One day changed lives. Not one, not two. Countless lives. It snowballed. One person affecting the other, all boiling down to one person. Her.

[i_"What is he doing here?" Ellis shouted at Richard as he pointed at Derek. The sight of him made her irate. "What is he doing here!" She screamed irately to Richard._

_"Ellis, calm down. He belongs here." Richard said as he looked into her eyes. But her didn't. Not in her mind._

_"No! NO! He does not belong here!" She screamed from the doorway. Derek stood there in shock. "Get out!" She screamed._

_"Ellis, please. Don't do this here. Not in front of--" Richard said as he looked over at Meredith._

_"My daughter? My vegetable daughter? The one that has no brain function?" She said loudly. "You did this!" She yelled as she approached Derek. "You killed my daughter! This is your fault." She yelled as she began beating his chest. "You took her from me!" She continued. Richard quickly approached and pulled her back. _

_"I-- I--" Derek said as he walked passed them and went outside of the room. He ran his hands through his hair and gasped for breath. He walked out. Good. He didn't deserve to be here. Richard came back in. Followed my him. Back again._

_"First I'm going to..." The doctor started to explain._

_"You don't have to. We're all doctors here." Ellis said as she cried._

_"Derek doesn't-" Richard started to say._

_"I don't give a shit about Derek. He shouldn't be here. Anyone who matters already knows the procedure. Please, just-- Please just put her out of her misery." Ellis said softly._

_Ellis gave him one last glare. A nasty look. She wanted to break him. She wanted him to feel pain everyday. She wanted him to wake up after a long night of nightmares, a feel sick. She hoped for only the worst. He deserved the worst. She looked at him. He was breaking. And then it happened. He broke. He walked out. And then it came...a faint smile on the lips of Ellis Grey._

_The tube came out. She was breathing. No one could believe it. The second it came out, she was breathing. That was bit normal. That was not in the statistics. She was not supposed to breathe on her own. Not supposed to happen._

_"We need to tell him." Richard said quickly. "We need to call Derek." _

_"No." Ellis said as she rushed over and grabbed Meredith's hand. _

_"Ellis, he needs to be here." Richard told her._

_"Richard, he nearly killed her. He was bringing her down. She was never going to be anything with him around. Her head was cloudy. This is the best thing that could happen. She'll move on. She'll become a world-class surgeon. She won't settle because of someone else. She'll move on. We are not telling Derek Shepherd. It's for the best. For both of them." She said forcefully. [/i_

"Meredith..." Ellis said, still holding her cheek. Still in shock that her daughter had struck her.

"Tell me the truth. What did you say to him?" She screamed as the tears began to fall.

"Nothing." Ellis said quickly.

"I want the truth! What did you say to him? Why did he leave? I am tired of these goddamn lies! What did you say?" She screamed louder. By now a large crowd had formed around, lurking in silence.

"Nothing. We-- I said nothing. I didn't tell him. I let him think you were dead. I never told him the truth." Ellis finally said quietly. "But it was for your own good."

"No! No, don't you dare do this to me. No more lies! I am fucking tired of the lies. What made you think that you could do that? You changed my life! You ruined my life. You took the only thing that ever mattered to me. You took it away. You took away the love of my life. You took Derek. You let me lay in that bed, thinking he left me. Thinking I did something wrong. Thinking I was some horrible person that couldn't be loved. I have spent fourteen years, wishing I were dead. I spent fourteen years, praying I would just die. I didn't care how. Praying I wouldn't wake up. Holding the blade. Holding the pills. Holding the rope. Fourteen years of tequila until I fell asleep. Fourteen years of pain. Fourteen years of hell! You have fourteen years to make this right! And now it's too late. Everyone has moved on. But I'm still here. And now it's too late." Meredith screamed as she waved her hands.

"You took it all away from me! Never again. I won't have to worry about it ever again. We are done. Forever. I never want to see you again. I don't want you to call. Don't write. Forget about me! Forget that I exist. Hell, pretend I'm dead. That seems to be so fucking easy!" She screamed as she turned on her heel and walked off.

Pretend I'm dead. It hurt. Done forever. Never again. Ellis watched as her daughter stalked off. Her only baby. The one that she thought she was protecting, marched off. This wasn't a tiny fight where they would hug and apologize. This wasn't a let's make up over coffee fight. This was an end of a relationship fight. This was the end. The end.

She never thought it would happen like this. She never thought her daughter would walk away. She never thought the day would come when she would have to say goodbye. Not on these terms. She grabbed her chest and collapsed. The end.

"Oh my god! We need help!" A nurse screamed as she ran over to Ellis. Several doctors and the code team ran over, giving her immediate attention.

"She's having a heart attack!" Someone yelled. She just watched. Watched the disappearing footsteps of her daughter.

Meredith walked. She was done. She knew. She knew what was going on behind her. She couldn't turn around. She couldn't make herself do it. She couldn't forgive. She couldn't forget. She was done. Done forever.

"Meredith!" Richard said warmly as he walked towards her. Meredith didn't look up. She didn't acknowledge him. She kept walking. Richard's gaze fell down the hall way.

"Oh my god! Ellis!" He said as he ran towards her. He didn't have to ask what happened. He knew. The house of cards, it just got blown away.

**Something had to happen...and it did.**


	17. Lies

"What's going on?" Addison said as she walked up, seeing several people standing around someone on the floor.

"It's Dr. Grey. They think she's had a heart attack." A nurse said as she stood there and looked down the hallway.

"Oh my... What happened?" Addison said as she watched in amazement. A small devilish part of her thought she deserved it. Ellis Grey deserved to suffer.

"There was a fight between Dr. Grey and and well, Dr. Grey." She said, getting into the gossip.

"You mean Webber, Richard Webber..." Addison said quickly, clarifying.

"No. Dr. Webber came after the fact. Her fight with with her daughter. Meredith, I believe." She said as she thought.

"Meredith... Meredith Grey is dead." Addison said in shock.

"She looked very much alive when she was in here earlier. I heard she;s a fifth year resident at Seattle Grace." She muttered as they watched them wheel Ellis away on a gurney.

"You're sure it was Meredith Grey? Thin, dark blond hair." Addison said quickly.

"Sounds like her... Why would you think she was dead?" The nurse asked as she looked at Addison.

"Um...well." Addison stammered.

"Well, that would explain why she said "Pretend I'm dead. That seems to be so easy."" She said with a shrug. "Who knows? Back to work for me." She said as she wheeled around and walked away.

Addison stood there in shock. Maybe Derek hadn't lost his mind. Maybe Meredith really was alive. It sounded as if she were alive. It sounded like it was a complete mess. Ellis had lied to her. Ellis said she were dead. She said she was cremated. But why, why would she lie?

"Hello?" Derek said lazily into the phone. He laid his head back on the bed and closed his eyes.

"It's me." Addison said with a sigh. "I-- I have something to tell you." She said uneasily. Derek read her tone. He knew. He knew exactly what she was going to say.

"I know." He said simply as he took a deep breath. "I-- I know."

"You know?" She said in disbelief.

"I know." He reiterated as he laid in silence.

"How...How did you? How did you find out?" She said in shock.

"She-- She showed up in our house. She's friends with Kristy." He said, playing off, pretending it was nothing.

"Derek! Meredith is alive. She's actually alive." Addison said as she took a deep breath. "Did you talk to her?"

"I-- It's a mess, Addie. And I don't want to talk about it." He said firmly. It was the truth. Addison would just point out the obvious, and that would just make him angrier.

"What's she doing? What are you going to do? You were right, Derek. Can you believe it?" Addison said quickly. She couldn't believe it. She was back. They were back. Friends. Friends that were lost, but were now found.

"Why aren't you happier?" Addison said grumpily. She was getting a little irritated. Derek was supposed to be jumping around. Whistling. Singing in the rain. Something.

"She wants time. Can you believe it, fourteen years, and she wants fucking time!" He finally said loudly.

"So it didn't go well." She stated simply.

"It's a fucking mess. She's been out there for fourteen years, and now she's back. And all it is is a fucking mess! Ellis lied. She lied to me. She lied to Mer. She tore everyone apart. I have never seen her this way. I have never seen her so broken. All she needs is me. And she wants space." He said as he punched his pillow and laid his head back down.

"Derek, she may say she wants space. But this is Mer. She just wants you." Addison said happily. "She may be scared. But she wants you. You are the only thing that will make her better."

"I have to go." Derek said as he jumped off the bed and slipped his phone shut. Maybe she was right.

------------------

Meredith drove home in her mother's leased BMW. She contemplated whether she should smash it or not. Into a pole. Into a fence. The guardrail would be nice. Not. She decided not. Because last time a car that she was in, crashed, it changed everything. She was on the losing end, all the way around.

Mark wasn't home. Thank god Mark wasn't home. Because if Mark was home, he would be caring and full of concern. He would want to talk to her. He would want to make everything right. But right now, she didn't want to talk. She wanted to sit. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to sit down, and stew. She wanted a few moments to suffer in complete and utter silence.

"Damn-it!" She shouted as he opened the cupboard to see it empty. Not of food. She couldn't possibly care any less about food. There was no liquor. More specifically, no tequila.

She threw her coat on the chair, and swung the refrigerator door open. Beer. Bottles of beer. Her first drink. She was young. One bottle. Then two. Three. She hated beer. It was so generic. So common. So dull. It wasn't nearly string enough. A six pack, and all she was was full. It would have to do. For tonight, it would have to do.

She grabbed two bottles, kicked off her shoes and slid the door open to the balcony. She just wanted to look at the stars. She ripped the top off the bottle, hearing the standard hiss. She threw her feet on the railing and tipped her chair back on it's back legs.

It didn't bother her. Her mother. The fact that she left her mother. She left her mother laying on the floor. She left her mother to die. It didn't bother her. But something else did. It worried her. Not her mother. Her mother was far too evil to die. But even if she did die, didn't matter. What worried her was how cold she was. She shut her out. Just like that. A snap of the fingers. She shut her mother out forever.

Adrien slid his key in the door. Her apartment was dark. He could see her sitting quietly on the balcony. She never sat out there. Maybe it was because she didn't have time. Maybe it was because she didn't like it. But her never saw her out there. This was going to be bad. he was expecting tears. Screaming. Possibly her collapsing his arms. He had no idea.

Adrien headed to the balcony, beer in hand. He was going to need it.

"She's going to be okay." Adrien said quietly as he sat down in the chair next to her. She had her head back, staring at the sky. "She requested me. I had to go all the way to Seattle Presbyterian for the chief of surgery. Can you believe she didn't even have her cardiologist work on her? We did a cabbage. Took forever, but she is going to be just fine." He said with a sigh. He looked over at her. No reaction.

"You can talk about it. I'm a good listener..." He said with a sigh. "Mer, it's not your fault, you didn't cause it. Not directly. And Ellis will be fine. She won't die." He said softly.

"I don't care." She muttered quickly.

"What?" He said, focusing his attention on her.

"I don't care. I wouldn't care. If she were dead. I wouldn't care." Meredith said frankly as she threw back her beer. "She didn't care. She didn't care that she was going to let me die." She said as she took the last swig and threw the bottle, glass shattering all over the large balcony, joining the one before it.

"What?" He said in shock. He wasn't sure if he had heard her right. "What do you mean, let you die?" He asked as he looked over.

"I can't see the stars out here." She said nonchalantly.

"What?" He said again.

"I love to look at the stars. The damn city lights. I can't see the stars." She said as she drank her beer. She let the feet of the chair come down on the balcony, and stood up. She looked at him, and then sat her beer on the table.

"Where are you going?" He asked as he watched her grab her keys.

"I like stars." She muttered before she walked out and shut the door.

Adrien rubbed his face and stared at the closed door. She just walked out. Walked away. From him. From her problems. He didn't know what to do for her. Her mother was in recovery. She had a massive heart attack. And Meredith was concerned about stars. And concerned about not being concerned for not caring. She didn't care. He looked at the empty apartment. He didn't know when she would be back. And he had a feeling, she didn't want him to wait.

--------------

Derek drove with haste. Addison was right. He needed to be there for her. Now was not the time to suck back. Now was not the time to give her space. Meredith never wanted space. Ever. Not from him. He frowned when she saw her car missing from it's spot. No answer at the door. She was gone. She wasn't there. All he wanted was to see her face. She didn't understand it. His need. His need to know where she always was. His need to be able to protect her. His need to feel her breathe. He needed her, and she wasn't there. There was only one place her wanted to go. He needed to think.

Derek pulled up to the dock. He knew it was getting close to the last run. But he needed to ride it. He needed to feel the water. He needed to watch the stars. He quickly got on. This was where he went when he needed to think. When he had to escape from Kristy. To escape from reality. He walked up the skinny flight of stairs. The top. He only rode on the top. He looked out at the city as he made his way up. His eyes moved around the empty deck. He was alone. He walked to the back. He stopped when she saw someone laying there, looking up at the stars. His eyes watched. He knew that figure. He knew her anywhere.

Of all the places in the city of Seattle, there she was. It was fate. He had no idea where she'd be. His heart sank when there was no answer at her door. His heart sank at the thought of her being alone. He needed her. She needed him. But she wasn't willing to admit it. And he was.

Derek walked over so that he was right behind her. Quietly. Stalkerish. He didn't want to disturb her. At the moment, she looked peaceful. A faint smile played on her lips. Her eyes were closed softly. He stared. He never thought this would happen. He has never thought he'd see her again, and there she was. He looked down at the small goose-bumps forming on her arms. He slid his jacket off and laid it on her.

"Thank you, Derek." She said as she opened her eyes.

"How did you know it was me?" He asked as he walked around the seat, and sat at her head.

"I could feel you. And the way you walk. I could hear you walk. And your smell. I could smell you." She said as she smiled softly.

"How do I walk?" He said in disbelief, not understanding.

"I don't know, you just...never mind." She said as she looked up at the stars. "I came to look at the stars. I love the stars. I've never been on the ferry. It's amazing." She said as she looked up at him.

"I come here a lot. It's a good place to think." He said as he looked down at her.

"Yeah..." She agreed with a soft nod.

"So are you thinking?" He asked softly as he looked down at her.

"Trying." She said lazily. He pulled her nearer to him, and she rested her head on his lap.

"Are you okay?" He asked quickly.

"No. But I will live. No matter what anyone says. I lived and I will continue" She responded. "I didn't care. I know it's wrong, but I didn't care." She said quickly. "I left her laying there to die. A heart attack. I'm a cardio resident, and I left my mother to lay there." She said without emotion. "That's wrong, right?" She asked.

"You're mom had a heart attack?" He asked in shock. Apparently Addison had forgotten to mention that.

"I'm surprised you hadn't heard about it yet. Yes, Resident Bitch caused her mom to have a massive acute myocardial infarction." She said as she shook her head.

"Oh, Mer." He said, knowing how she must be feeling. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not. I'm really not. Not after what she did. I know it's cold. But I am not sorry." She said as she looked up at him. He ran his fingers through her hair.

"I'm not sorry for her. For you. I am so sorry this has happened. You couldn't have-- If things had been different, you wouldn't have had to go through this." He told her as his hand stroked her.

She laid there, closing her eyes. She needed to absorb this. She needed to remember. His touch felt perfect. Like it was meant to be. She wanted to lay there with him forever. She wanted to feel the gentle rocking of the ferry boat. She wanted to lay and gaze at the stars. But she couldn't. There were consequences. There were limitations.

"You can't be here." She said as she sat up.

"What?" He said in shock as he looked at her. Why the sudden change? "Why can't I be here?" He asked.

"You just can't be." She said firmly as she looked away. She couldn't look him in the eyes.

"Hmm... I can't? That's funny, because I paid my money, and they let me on." He said with a chuckle.

"I was here first!" She said as she looked out at the water.

"Oh, so because you were the first to step foot on, it's yours? I was in Seattle first." He told her smugly.

"Well, the ferry is mine. I need it more than you do." She said quickly.

"That may be. But I enjoy the the ferry too." He said with a chuckle.

"You and I. We can't--" She said as she dropped her head. She didn't want to say it. She wanted to give in to his look. Succumb to his gentle touch.

"Meredith..." He said, it rolling off his tongue so softly, so sweetly.

"No, Derek. Time. I need time. And this isn't it. And your wife is my best friend. And you're married. And I don't want to break up a marriage." She said as she sat stiffly.

"I have no marriage, Meredith. I never have." He said as he stared at her.

"No, Derek. You haven't. But now you can. Don't you see? You can have it now. I am setting you free. No guilt. The accident wasn't your fault. It wasn't mine. I am setting you free. No more sleepless nights. Now you can be happy. You can move on. The white house, picket fence, the dog. You can have it. You and Kristy, you can have it." She said as she stood up.

"No, Meredith. No." He said as he stood with her. "I don't want Kristy, I want you."

"I can't carry the guilt around. She loves you. And you care about her. I think if you gave it a chance, you could be happy. You would love her. I am going to walk off of this ferry and go home. You are going to climb into your bed. When I see your wife at work tomorrow, I will smile. I will act as if nothing ever happened. And when I see you, I'll smile and ask you how you are. I don't know you, Derek. You don't know me. It's for the best..." She said, near tears. "Goodbye, Derek." She said as she handed him his coat.

"Meredith..." He said as she began to walk away. "Mer!" He repeated as he grabbed her arm and pulled her close. She looked down. She couldn't look into his eyes. She couldn't she would break. Derek tipped her head up, forcing her gaze onto his.

He leaned in. Softly. His had reached around her head and pulled her near. She closed her eyes as she felt his perfectly sweet lips on hers. His tongue grazed her lips, begging for entrance. She moaned when she felt his tongue slide in. Perfection. Desire. Love. It was all there. Her tough pressed against his, fighting, dancing. Her fingers, running through his curls. Finally she gasped and pulled away.

"You will move on." She said as she looked into his eyes and then walked away.

"Meredith... I love you." He said, she didn't acknowledge his comment. "I. Love. You" He repeated.

She quickly turned around. She was near the steps. Near her exit. A lie. She was getting ready for a lie. Preparing herself. She didn't want to do it. But this was the only way. This was the way to make everyone happy. Not everyone, but more people. More people would be happy this way. Less hurt.

"I don't." She said as she looked at him. "I don't. I don't love you. Not anymore." She said as she turned and dashed down the stairs. Derek gasped. She didn't say it. She couldn't have.

"You're lying. You're lying to me. You're lying to yourself." He yelled after her.

The soft wind picked up, causing Derek to shiver. He felt cold. Inside, and out. He felt like he was just been hit by a bucket of icy water. He stood there, watching her go. Not walking, running. Lie she was running for her life. Running from the truth. He wasn't going to let this happen. He couldn't it. He had to make her see. She had to see what was meant to be.

------------------

Meredith drove slowly through the tears. She lied to him. She had never lied to him. Sure she had failed to mention that she was seventeen when they met. But she never lied and said she wasn't. It wasn't in her nature. It wasn't part of their relationship. He knew. He knew she was lying. She had tried so hard to convince him, but he didn't believe her. And how could he? It wasn't the truth. She still loved him. She loved him deep in the depths of her being. He heart ached for him day and night. But she had given up. On love. On happiness. On everything. And she wasn't sure how to get it back.

Meredith slowly walked to her door. She was surprised she didn't find him there. She was surprised that he hadn't sped ahead to meet her. But yet, she was relieved. Because she honestly did need some space. She sighed when she opened the door to see Mark flipping through the channels.

"Hey." He said as he looked up. "Where have you been?"

"Out." She said simply as she walked to the kitchen.

"Out, huh?" He said as he walked in and watched her swallow some pain pills with her glass of water.

"Yes, out." She reiterated with a frown.

"You wouldn't have been out with a certain neurosurgeon, would you?" Mark asked with raised brows.

"No." She said quickly. Damn, there is was again. Another lie. They were pouring out easy. A trait she had gotten from her mother, no doubt.

"You shouldn't lie. You are a shitty lie. The corner of your mouth curls." He said with a chuckle. "So how was the date?" He asked as he followed her to her room.

"Don't you have a life?" She asked as she peeled her shirt off.

Mark looked. But he didn't look that way. Not anymore. Not after Derek threatened to cut Jimmy and the twins of with an electric grinder. Meredith was like a sister. Not an object of affection. Not a sexual obsession. She was just Meredith.

"I have a life. So how was the date?" He asked again as she threw a tee shirt on.

"Well, I haven't seen a girl. No bedsprings. No banging headboard. You haven't been out late. Sounds like you are going through quite a dry spell." She said as she peeled her jeans of.

"No. No dry spell. More like a watching your friend spell. No time to do anything else. that kind of spell." He said bitterly.

"Oh... We're a little bitter, are we? How many times do I have to tell you, I don't need a babysitter." She said quickly.

"I beg to differ. So how was the date?" He asked as he followed her to the bathroom. She began flossing her teeth.

"So, do you think it will fall off?" She said with a mouth full of floss as she looked down. "Lack of use?"

"Who said I don't use it? Every night." He said with a chuckle.

"Seriously, that is wrong. I don't want to hear that!" She spat. She pulled out her toothbrush and put tooth paste on it.

"Oh, but you asked for it. And Mark Sloan never has to use his hand, you should know that." He said with a wink. "So how was the date?" He asked again.

"So... Who do you think about? When you?" She asked as she looked down, avoiding his question.

"You babe, only you. So how was the date?" He asked with a grin.

"i have to pee. Unless you want me to pee on your foot, leave." She said quickly. He shut the door.

"The date?" He said loudly through the door. She flushed and walked past him and into her room.

"Go to bed." She said as she pulled back the covers and climbed beneath. He quickly climbed underneath with her.

"I am. So tell me... Unless you don't want to sleep tonight." He said as he got in her face.

"Fine. There was no date. I rode the ferry. I wanted to look at the stars I was laying there, and he-- He just showed up." She said with a shrug.

"Hmm... That's interesting." He said with a chuckle.

"I told him the truth. It was over. He needs to stay with Kristy. He needs to make it work. I lied. I told him I didn't love him anymore." She said with a deep breath. "I have never lied to him. Not to him. I lied."

"That's good." He agreed with a stupid smirk.

"That I told him to move on?" She said in shock.

"No, that you lied." He said with a chuckle. "Because before he didn't know. He wasn't sure if you still loved him. Now. Now he knows. Because you Meredith Grey, are a terrible liar!" He said with a laugh. Meredith lifted a pillow and smacked him in the face.

"Hey!" He shouted as he grabbed it out of her hands.

"Go to bed!" She shouted.

"But I am in bed." He joked as he pulled the covers up to his chin.

"Your bed!" She said as she shoved him.

"But you're so soft and cuddly." He joked as he pulled her close.

"Fine, stay. But lately I've been kicking in my sleep. I would hate to kick you." She said as she looked down. "Since you have been using it so much lately... I would hate for you to not be able to touch it" she laughed. He looked down, and then at her.

"Goodnight." He said as he kissed her on the forehead.

"Night." She grumbled.

"It's just a matter of time!" He yelled as he shut her door. She rolled her eyes and laid her head back. It couldn't be. It just couldn't.

--------------

Derek climbed in his car. He didn't know whether to cry or laugh. She lied. Meredith didn't lie. She was scared. She was terrified. She didn't want to tell him the truth. She was pushing him away. But why? He couldn't figure out why. He knew that Kristy was her friend. But he was here life. Or at least he hoped he still was. He was his everything, just as she was his. There was still hope. No matter what, there was still hope, and he was hanging onto it.

Derek wanted to follow her. There was two ways to go. Right or left. Right was her apartment. Right was where he belonged. Right was where he could feel her touch, where he could take in the sweet lavender scent. Where he could taste her her soft flesh. Right was home.

Derek turned left. She was riding a fine line. She was broken. Her mom was ill. And no matter what, he knew that deep down inside she felt guilt. She was Meredith. She had feelings. She, unlike her mother, was human. So left he went. She needed time. She needed space. He didn't want to push her away. He needed her back. And he would have time for that. Next week he would be seeing her daily, and she didn't even know. So left. Back to the hotel. Back to the empty bed.

Derek laid back on the bed. He couldn't go home. He couldn't go to the house that he and Kristy shared. She knew he left for a week at this time of the year. He had a week. A week to think. A week to decide his plan of action. A week to do what Meredith wanted him to do. Her words rang in his head.

_Time. I need time. And this isn't it. And your wife is my best friend. And you're married. And I don't want to break up a marriage. _

_Don't you see? You can have it now. _

_I am setting you free. No guilt. The accident wasn't your fault. It wasn't mine. I am setting you free. No more sleepless nights. Now you can be happy. You can move on. _

_The white house, picket fence, the dog. You can have it. You and Kristy, you can have it._

_I can't carry the guilt around. _

_You are going to climb into your bed. I don't know you, Derek. You don't know me. It's for the best..._

_You will move on. _

_I don't love you. Not anymore._

Bullshit. She loved him. He could see it in her eyes. As much as she tried to hide it. he knew. He knew how she felt. He saw the faint glimmer of hope in her eyes. And glimmer was all he needed.

-----------------

Kristy laid in her bed. Alone. He ran out. Meredith ran out. And he ran right after her. It was a coincidence. Not related. He had gotten a 911 page. A patient. And Meredith, she hadn't been feeling right all day. She was distracted and sick. She was unhappy. And now she knew why. It was because of her mother. She had heard about her fight with Ellis Grey. No one knew what it was about, but it was bad. Bad enough to give her a heart attack.

Derek would be gone the week. Just as he had done for the last three years. He'd just leave and them come back. No change. He would still be an asshole. The only difference was that this time, would be different. This time, she had hope. Because that had been moving along. The marriage counseling was helping. And now she would have three weeks until he would leave again. Until he would hide away. And after that, a year. And this time she would get him. This time things would be different. She would fix him. Or she would die trying.


	18. Anger

**I have to warn you...There are things in this chapter that are going to make a great deal of you unhappy. I already know. But this is the story. It is what it is. It will get better. And these parts were put here for a reason. So basically, if you are going to write a nasty review, PM it to me, or don't do it at all.**

Meredith quickly went to the locker room and ripped off her scrubs. She couldn't look at Kristy one more second. Every time she saw her, she saw him. But not just him. Not just his usual smiling face. It was the other him. The him that only she saw. Him with his cheesy after-sex grin. Or him moaning her name. Or him holding her wrists down and he delved deeply into her. She had to get out of the hospital, and she had to get out now.

Meredith snuck out of the locker room. Her interns seemed overly needy today. She left Eastman on-call just for punishment. She was changing bandages every hour. Now that was fun. That was torturous. She had an evil smile as she walked out the main entrance.

"How are you, Dr. Grey?" Danny Carted asked as he jogged beside her.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" Meredith asked as she continued walking.

"I just wanted to see if you would like to go to Joe's? Maybe grab a drink." He suggested as he walked beside her.

"You know I am with someone, right?" She asked. _[i Someone. Ha! Someones. Two. There are two. Crap. No, one. There is only one. You have got to keep telling yourself that.[/i_ "But that's not why you asked... You want in on my surgery tomorrow." She said as she shook her head. "Either way, it is a definite no."

"I wasn't asking because of the surgery." He spat. "You just look like you need to unwind."

"I am going home to do that now." She said as she approached her car.

"Ah, yes. With Dr. de Gaulle. Thanks for that. He's actually decent to work with now." He pointed out.

"I don't think that is any of your business." She said as she hit the lock button. "I'll see you in the morning. Expect a hell of a day." She said as she shut the door and started the car, leaving him standing in the parking lot.

Meredith drove home quickly. Her back ached badly today. The rain was still pouring down, and he back still pounded. She wondered if Adrien was going to be over. He said he was, but she was hoping he wouldn't. She wasn't in the mood for caring. Not today. She quickly pulled into her spot and smiled, she didn't see his car in the lot. Her face dropped when she heard a familiar voice.

"Meredith..." Richard said as she approached.

"Not now." Meredith said as she continued towards him.

"How are you?" He asked softly.

"No. I. Can. Not. Do. This. Not now!" She said firmly as she tried to open her door.

"She's doing well. I'm actually taking her home tomorrow. She asked about you. We-" He started. She walked in and shut the door firmly in his face.

"I said not now." She muttered as she dropped her bag and walked into the bathroom.

She needed a hot shower. Definitely needed a hot shower. She dropped her clothes and climbed into the hot water, feeling it run down her aching back. How could he come here? What did he think he was going to accomplish? There was nothing he could do to change how she felt, and there was no use trying. She hated Richard. And she hated Ellis. Not mom and dad. Richard and Ellis.

She climbed out of the shower and dried herself with the towel. Television. She was in the mood for t.v. In the mood for just sitting there and letting her mind turn numb. She dropped her towel and walked to the bedroom. Mark was at a conference in New York, so she knew he wouldn't be dropping in anytime soon.

"You are far too tempting in that position." He said as he looked at her bent over, looking in a drawer.

"Shit! Adrien, you scared me." She said as she quickly held a shirt in front of her.

"You don't need that." He said as he walked over, dropping her bag on the floor. She stood there like a deer in the headlights.

"No." She said as he pulled the shirt away from her. "I-- I'm not pretty." She said as she looked down at her scared body.

"You are beautiful." He said as he covered her mouth with his and laid her back on the bed. "And perfect." He said as he ripped his clothes off. He stood there and smiled at her as he rolled the condom on. "And amazing." He said as he hovered over her and thrust himself in.

Derek. She felt Derek. She closed her eyes. It was Derek. She needed it to be him. As he thrust in and out, she moaned. She wished it were him. If it were, it would be so perfect. But it wasn't. And it wouldn't be. Life goes on. And now she had to go on. And Adrien was there. And he was willing.

"That was great." Adrien said as he rolled over onto his back.

"Yeah." She said half heartedly. She laid there for a few moments. Not thinking. Not doing. "I'm hungry." She said as she climbed out of the bed. She quickly threw on a pair of shorts and a tee shirt.

"But--" He said as he looked up at her.

"Must eat." She said as she walked out. She was nearly to the kitchen when she heard a knock on the door. She walked over slowly and opened it, expecting it to be Richard. It wasn't.

"Um-- Um--" She stammered as she looked into Derek's deep blue eyes.

Why was he here? Space. She said they needed space. And time. She said that too. But now here he was. At her apartment. At her home. Showing up without notice. Showing up when Adrien was there.

"Mer--" He started before he was cut off.

"Hey Mer, we need to eat fast. I'm ready for round two. That's what you guys say here, right? Dessert works too, I suppose." He mumbled as he walked by in his blue boxers on.

Derek was in shock. A man was walking her in apartment with boxers on. Chiseled chest. Just boxers. Sex. She was having sex. With another man. His Meredith had another man's hands on her. She had another man kissing her. She has another man examining her curves. Another man tasting her with his tongue. It made him sick. Completely sick.

"I'm sorry. Mark's not here. He's in New York. Maybe you should give him a call on his cell." Meredith said quickly. She felt Adrien come up from behind. "He's-- He's just a friend. A-- A friend of Mark's." She spat out quickly. She could see the hurt in Derek's eyes. Adrien kissed her neck softly, his body against hers.

"Adrien." He said as he stuck his hand out to shake Derek's.

"Derek." He said as he shook his hand. He wanted to crunch the stupid Frenchman's hand. He wanted to smash his face. He wanted to throw him out of the third story balcony.

"So you should call him." Meredith said with a nervous nod.

"Yeah." Derek said angrily. "I'll do that."

Derek walked to his car with his fists clenched. He was irate. He wanted to kill him. How dare he kiss her neck? He was sick. He opened the door to his Denali and climbed in. That man was inside of her. They were probably at it right now. He opened his door back up and retched.

She never told him. That's all he could think as he drove down the busy road. She never told him. She never offered up that information. She had the chance, a thousand times. Okay, maybe not a thousand, but she had her chance. How dare she not tell him. He was at her door, and she pretended she barley knew him. Like there was nothing there. He was angry. A car pulled in front of him. He had to hold himself back from rear ending it on purpose. He didn't care.

He pulled up in front of his house. He wasn't thinking. He was reacting. Reacting to the knife that had just been plunged deep inside of him. It hurt. It hurt worse than when he thought she was dead. Hands. Hands on her flesh. Another man knew. He knew what she was. He realized that she was a treasure. He knew every inch of her. He knew what it felt to thrust himself deep inside.

Derek nearly ripped the door off it's hinges as he opened it. He slammed it behind him hard. He looked in the kitchen. Kristy was baking. Who bakes? Meredith would never bake. Damn Meredith. How could she? Derek rushed into the kitchen and grabbed Kristy's hand, dragging her upstairs.

"Derek! What are you doing?" She asked in shock as he pulled her to their room.

She looked into his eyes. They were dark with anger. His jaw was clenched. His posture was stiff. He kicked his shoes, hitting the wall. He quickly ripped his shirt off. Then his pants. She looked down as he pulled his boxers off. She took that as her cue and quickly undressed herself.

She watched as he rolled the condom on. She had never seen him like this. It was like he was possessed. He was angry. He was hateful. She laid down on the bed and closed her eyes as he thrust into her. Hard. It was hard. And angry. She bit her lip, feeling the pain. Little did she know that was nothing compared to the pain he felt.

It seemed to go on forever. Finally he rolled over and closed his eyes. He never said a word. But Kristy, she was pleased. He had sex with her. She had the best orgasm she ever had. It was angry. It was violent. Not necessarily towards her, just in general. She looked over at him and stared at his sleeping figure. For the first time in years, she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

--------------------

Meredith laid quietly in the bed. Finally he was asleep. It had been a marathon. Not one that she particularly enjoyed. Because Adrien wasn't Derek. He could satisfy her. But he couldn't send her over the edge. He couldn't make her feel more pleasure than she ever had. Only one man could do that.

The guilt she felt was immense. She looked into his eyes, and had to pretend she didn't know him. She had to pretend that he was just a friend of Mark's who showed up. That hurt. he would never know how hard it was for her to do that. But she had to. She had no choice. Adrien was there. And that wasn't the time for him to find out.

Meredith walked to the kitchen and grabbed the pint of strawberry ice cream out of the freezer. She was depressed. She felt guilty. She felt dirty. She felt like a dirty whore. She felt like she had cheated. But she didn't. Adrien was hers. Derek was Kristy's. Period. That's the way the chips had fallen. She ate the pint down to the bottom. Not even her favorite ice cream satisfied her. She looked at Adrien's keys. She didn't know why bet she picked them up. She studied each one. Finally she grabbed her apartment key. She didn't know why, but she began twisting it around the ring. Finally it was detached. She walked over and placed it in the back of her kitchen drawer.

"You okay?" Adrien asked as he felt her lay beside him.

"Yeah. I was just hungry." She said as she laid her head on the pillow. "I ate some ice cream." He leaned over and kissed her.

"Strawberry." He said, tasting it on her lips.

"Don't do that." She spat as she pulled away,

"What?" He asked in shock.

"Don't tell me what I've eaten. It's weird." She said quickly. A lie. That was a lie. Derek always did that. Derek always told her what she had eaten. That was his. Not Adrien's.

"Sorry." He said as he looked into her eyes. "You look nervous. Do I make you nervous?"

"No. No, I just--" She stopped, not knowing what to say. [i_I want Derek. I want him so bad I can taste him. I can taste him now. In my mouth. Yep his big- Stop! You have got to stop doing that.[/i_

"You seem different. Before... When I met you, you looked like you had given up. But now I see hope. You look scared, but you have hope." He said as he stroked her hair.

"Don't analyze me either!" She said as she shook her head.

"What exactly can I do?" He asked as he kissed her neck. "Can I do this?" He said as he moved to her chest.

"Nope. No, because I am tired. And you have surgery in the morning." She said quickly as she rolled away from him.

"You're no fun." He mumbled as he rolled over.

"And you are an old man. You need your rest." She joked.

"I'm not old!" He said loudly.

"Okay. Not old...just...elderly." She said with a laugh.

"Not funny. And If I didn't have surgery, I would show you just how young I am." He laughed.

"Goodnight." She said as she closed her eyes.

"Nite." He said simply. She felt his arm around her. It would have to do.

-----------------

Meredith drove to the hospital with a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She still felt horrible about what she did to Derek. She wished it hadn't happened that way. She wished that she could have told him before he saw it. All the times she saw him. All the times that she talked about Kristy. She said he needed to stay with his wife. love her. She failed to mention Adrien. Not because she was hiding it. Not because she was hiding him. More because when she was with Derek, Adrien was the last thing on her mind.

Meredith made her way into the locker room. The other residents were in there. She didn't talk to them. She didn't really talk to anyone. She didn't care. She wasn't there to make friends. Hell the last time she did that, she found out that she was in love with her best friend's husband. She quickly changed her clothes, avoiding their gaze. She was still near the top of the hospital's gossip because of her mom. And she didn't really care.

"Meredith!" Kristy said with a grin as she looked up at Meredith walking by.

"Oh. Kristy, hey how's it going?" Meredith said as she stopped at the nurses station with her intern.

"Wonderful. Everything is wonderful." She said with a big cheesy grin on her face. Meredith didn't have to asked why. She knew. She knew that pathetic, satisfied look.

"Oh." She said as she grabbed a chart and pretended to be distracted. She wished she could be. She wished she could stick her fingers in her ears and go lalala.

"I had sex." She giggled as she looked up at Meredith. Meredith immediately felt ill. Sick. Nauseous. She had sex. Sex with her Derek. Her Derek. And by the look on her face, it was good. Too good. [i_But not as good as it is with me. Na Na Na Na Na Naaa. He likes me best. I'm bendy. You're not bendy. look at those thunder thighs. And your short little legs. Ha. I am bendy! And long legged. I am the total sex goddess package. Seriously, what the hell are you doing? Stop! She is your friend. Yeah. But I'm better. I am really. I can make him moan. really moan. Oh god, I'm going nuts. Oh. I think she's still talking.[/i_

"Oh..." Meredith said as she took a sip of her coffee, praying to was over. She prayed that she could run away. Maybe if she jabbed a pen in her ear, it would make it go away. Or at the least cause pain. Pain would be better.

"He was like an animal. He was angry..." Meredith interest was now piqued.

Angry. So, he really was mad. She had gotten to him. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She didn't mean to hurt him. And now she was hurting. Bad. Their sex life was bad. But now, now it was great? Because of her? This was what she claimed to have wanted, but now it just made her sick.

"He was out of control, Mer. I don't know what came over him. He just rushed in, and dragged me upstairs. It's like he had been holding on to it forever. It was-- God I needed him. All eleven and a half inches of him." She said with a grin.

Meredith immediately spit our her coffee all over the nurses station. Her intern, Dr. Mather looked over at her in shock. She began laughing hard. Really hard. She knew Derek. She knew Derek well. She knew what Derek was. She knew what Derek worked with. The size of his tool. She had that tool many times. Many memorable times. And Derek was not eleven and a half inches. Ten, maybe. Nine and a half, probably. Nine, most likely. Eleven and a half, no way in hell. That was laughable.

"I have to go..." Meredith said as she laughed her way down the hallway.

"Wait! There was something else--" Kristy yelled as she watched her walk away.

"What is so funny?" Kent asked as he looked over.

"Between you and I, and I mean that..." She said as she looked over at Kent who was nodding with a smile. "Her husband is not eleven and a half inches."

"No shit?" He said as he looked over in shock. She shook her head. "But-- How do you know?" He asked with a smirk.

"Well, let's just say I may have walked in on him at there house once. Four." She said with and evil giggle.

"Four? As in four?" He asked measuring out four inches with his hand. She nodded her head with a chuckle.

"You did not hear that from me!" She said with a smirk.

"Well, four is...maybe he makes up for it in..." He said as he held a circle with his fingers.

"Maybe. But that doesn't matter. If you can't reach for the stars...You know?" She said as she kept walking. "You need to go to the pit. Find me before my surgery." She said as she walked off.

It was mean. Really mean. But she felt evil. She was pissed. She had her man. Albeit, she refused him and even pushed him to her. But he was still hers. And she wasn't going to let her get the glory. She couldn't enjoy the spoils and them flaunt them. Besides, Derek would never know. He was at a different hospital, and no one here made the connection with the difference in the last names. Yes, she was being evil, and she didn't want to stop. Little did she know just how in the hospital he was.


	19. Play Nice

"So how is the first day going?" Kristy asked as she bounced up to her husband.

"Fine." He said dryly. And now it starts. This is precisely why he had stayed it Mercy-West all those years. Now he had to avoid her.

"That's good." She said with a smile as she cocked her head.

"Kris, we can't do this. This is our job. We can't be-- This is work." He grumbled as he looked up at her.

"Oh. Sorry. I'm just excited. I mean after last night..." She said with a giggle.

Last night. Oh yes, last night. One of the worst nights of his life. Losing Meredith, that was the worst. It was bad. Imagining her in the ground all of those years. But last night, it was rough. It was bad. To see her with another man. Much worse. As bad as it sounded, at least dead she was his. Now, to see her walking around. Prancing around. Okay, she doesn't prance. But to see her with someone else was pure hell.

"Yeah. Last night." He muttered.

She was talking about the sex. The horrible sex. She seemed so pleased with it. But it didn't matter how hard he tried. It wasn't good. It would never be good. Whacking off to a picture of Meredith was better than last night. At least someone was satisfied.

"Well, I have to go." He said as he grabbed a chart and headed off to find Dr. Scott, the man who was retiring at the end of the week.

"See you later." She sang out with a big smile on her face.

Derek walked down the hallway. He knew it was just a matter of time. A matter of time before he saw her. It was going to be daily. She was going to see her everyday. He was secretly wondering how he could contain himself. How he was going to look her in the eye and keep a straight face. He quickly walked towards Dr. Scott's office. He nodded for Derek to come in.

"Derek Shepherd." He said with a grin as he motioned for him to come in. "I have to say, I can't think of anyone I would rather have follow in my footsteps." He said with a grin.

"Thank you, David." Derek said with a nod.

"And you finally crawled out of that shit-hole, Mercy-West." He said with a chuckle. "You will be happy here."

"I hope so." Derek agreed.

"I should be finishing up my last case tomorrow, then you can take the reins." he said happily.

"Not a problem." Derek said simply.

"Any questions?" David asked as he looked up.

"Have you seen Dr. Grey?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"I assume you are talking about Meredith, not Ellis?" He asked as he glanced up.

"Um, yeah, Meredith." He said softly.

"Why do you need her? She's fifth year Cardio." He said with confusion.

"Oh, I just..." Derek trailed off. _I just want to pull her into an on-call room and have my way with her. Make her scream my name until the hospital windows break. That is why I want to see her. And to talk. I do like looking into those eyes._

"You know what they call her, right?" David said as he looked up with a grin.

"Uh..." Derek looked up in confusion.

"Resident Bitch." He said simply. "She is. Man she is the nastiest resident I have ever seen. I bet only two or three of her interns survive."

"You're kidding, right?" Derek said with a chuckle.

"No. She's rough. A little spitfire. Charming, though. You have to be charmed. Even when she's glaring at you. That girl... Anyhow. Tomorrow you will pick up the new patients." He said as he started throwing things in boxes.

"Well, I appreciate everything." Derek said with a nod as he turned and walked out.

"Dr. Grey is around here somewhere." He yelled after him. Derek nodded.

------------------

Meredith walked out of the scrub room, Eastman and Mather following close behind. It was another routine surgery. Successful, that was all that mattered. She was tired. Leaning over the OR table killed her, although she would never admit it. She walked slowly down the hallway, rubbing her back and moaning. Usually she would hide it from her interns, but today it was hitting her hard.

"Are you okay, Dr. Grey?" Dina Eastman asked as she looked up with concern.

"I'm okay." Meredith said softly. Usually she snapped. Not today. Today she was going to be nice. For the moment, anyhow.

"Are you sure?" Kent Mather asked as he too looked at her.

"Damn-it! I'm fine. Go do something. Mather, ask the nurses if they need any extra help. Eastman-- Oh shit." She moaned as she looked up.

There he was. Mr. Good Hair. Mr. Hotness. The man she loved. The man she loved but she was not going to be with. Him and his perfect hair. There he stood, leaning. Yes, leaning. Why the hell did he have to lean like that? Too tempting. Far too tempting. There he leaned, reading a chart. Yes, good looking, and he can read.

"What?" Kent asked as he looked up. He followed her gaze.

"Nothing! Get to work!" She snapped loudly.

"But you didn't--" Dina said quickly.

"Find something!" Meredith finally spat.

What was he doing here? Why did he have a chart? What was going on. Well, she was going to find out, and she was going to find out right now. She marched. Purposefully. Loudly. No one was around. For the first time ever, there was no one around. She marched right up next to him, and grabbed his hand. He stumbled, nearly falling over as she dragged him to an empty exam room.

"What the hell?" He said as he stumbled inside.

"What are you doing here?" She asked loudly Derek looked into her eyes and smiled.

"Well, you pulled me in here." He said with a chuckle as he studied her face. _Oh...she's getting mad. I'm getting to her. Oh I see that look. She wants to hit me. Oh crap! She's hitting me. _"Owe...owe. Stop!" He said as he grabbed her hands.

"You know what I mean. Why are you here? At Seattle Grace?" She asked in a huff.

"Oh... Yeah. I work here." He said with a grin.

"What? No! No. You don't work here. You work at Mercy-West." She said frankly as she glared at him.

"Not anymore." He said quickly as he pushed the hair out of her face. She swatted him away.

"No. You don't work here, Derek. You have to leave." She grumbled.

"Can't. I already have the coat. See, Dr. Derek Shepherd, MD. Oh, and I have a tag too." He said as he showed her.

"Seriously?" She said as she shook her head. _Now, you have screwed yourself. He works here. Yeah, that's going to work really well. Now your plan, it just flew away. I can handle this. I can. No you can't. You want him. Look! Where are your eyes now? Shit! _ She quickly pulled her eyes away from his waist.

"Seriously." He said with a nod. "And if you want in my pants, just tell me."

"I do not want in your pants!" She said defensively. Derek rolled his eyes.

"Dr. Bailey has been after me for three years. I decided to do it." He finally explained.

"Because I'm here." She spat as she glared at him.

"Get over yourself. Not you. My career. I want to further myself." He said with a chuckle. He looked at her face. "Okay, fine. Partially because of you, but mostly because I quit a Mercy-West four days ago."

"This is-- We can't--" She muttered as she looked around nervously.

"Why? You moved on. I saw that last night." He said angrily. "Not to mention, you want me to work things out with Kristy."

"Urghh!" She growled. "I hate you!" She spat.

"You do not." He said with a laugh. "You love me..." He said with a chuckle.

"Seriously? Seriously?" She laughed. "Why? Why, God why? What did I do?" She said as she shook her head and closed her eyes. She felt his hands on her face. Then came his lips. She pulled away.

"No." She said simply.

She looked into his blue eyes. They pleaded. She pleaded. He leaned in again. His soft lips touched hers. He sucked softly on her bottom lip. She quickly ran her fingers through his hair as he placed his hand behind her neck. She felt his tongue slid in. So perfect. He tasted perfect.

_You want him. But I can't have him. But you want him. Come on... You can't just say no..._

Meredith jumped up and wrapped her legs around him. He turned around and laid her down on the exam table. He heard her moan softly. She was perfect. He didn't want to stop. He wanted to stay in the room forever.

_What are you doing? His wife is out there. As in sickness and health. Death do they part or whatever... You have to stop. But I don't want to. You have to. You have to. Fine._

"What?" Derek asked as she pulled away.

"I hate you." She said with a smile as she made her way to the door.

"Sure you do." He said with a chuckle. _Now that was good. Yeah it was. To only have two long legs wrapped around..._

"Oh! I didn't know this room was in use." A doctor said as he walked in.

"It's not anymore." Derek said as he walked out. "Not anymore..."

-----------------

"Rub my back." Meredith told Adrien as she laid down on the bed.

"What? Meredith Grey asking for help?" He said with a chuckle.

"Rub my back." She said again. "Please." She said with a huff.

"Of course, my dear." He said as he put his hands on her. "So how was your day?"

"Fine." She grumbled. _Fine? Who are you kidding. Not fine. Not good. He's there. He's everywhere. In the scrub room. At the nurse's station. He never goes away._

"You don't sound so sure..." Adrien said with a frown.

"It was okay. Just too long." She mumbled into the pillow.

"I hear we have a new Neurosurgeon." Adrien said, attempting to make conversation.

"Mmmm." She moaned, not answering.

"You are tense." He said as she rubbed her shoulders. _I wonder why? Maybe because all day long I think about my best friends husband... And the penis. Thank god I don't have one, because I would be walking around with a boner all day long._

"I am. I'm sore." She moaned as she rolled away from him and on her back. "What do you think about California? Florida? Canada? France, what about France?" She asked as she looked up.

"What do you mean?" He asked as he laid next to her.

"We could move to France. I know a little French, and you could teach me..." She suggested.

"Where is this coming from?" He said as he looked into her eyes.

"I don't know. Maybe I'm losing my mind." She said in a huff as she rubbed her face.

"What's wrong?" He asked with a puzzled face.

"Tired. Just tired." She moaned as she pulled the covers over her body.

"So..." He said as he ran his hand across her hip.

"Seriously? You just rubbed my back. I am stressed. My body feels like it was ran over by a steamroller. Sex is the last thing I want." She said as she rolled to her side.

"Goodnight then?" He asked as he looked at her.

"Goodnight." She said. They both laid there for a few minutes in silence.

"Mer?" He said softly. "I love you..." He said quickly. He listened. He listened to her breathing. "I know you're awake. You're not snoring." He said frankly.

Meredith laid there in shock. He just said he loved her. He loved her. That was huge. It was a huge step. She laid there quietly. He just took a huge step. A leap. But she didn't know if she could jump too. Sure, she was fond of him. And she liked him a lot. And maybe in time, she would love him. But there was Derek. Derek changed everything. Derek made it impossible for her to think straight. What to do? What to do? She quickly began her best fake snore.

"And now you're faking!" He said with a laugh. "Meredith Grey." He said as he grabbed her side gently, causing her to giggle.

"Fine. I am awake." She finally admitted as she rolled over and looked at him.

"I love you." He said as he looked at her again.

"I- I- I can't say it." She said softly, with tears in her eyes. She knew she was going to hurt his feelings. "I- I just- Not yet. I can't say it yet." Adrien looked into her eyes. He almost understood how she was feeling.

"That's okay. As long as you know. As long as you understand how I feel. It's okay." He said with a nod. "Night."

"Goodnight." She said with a smile as she closed her eyes.

-----------------

Meredith rolled her eyes when she saw Derek standing in the elevator, a big grin on his face. It was empty. An empty elevator. In other words, major trouble. She wanted to get on that elevator. She wanted to get into some trouble, especially with him. But no. She had will power. She could say no. And she was doing it.

"I'll take the stairs." She said as she wheeled around.

"No willpower! It's sad...really." He said as he shook his head, riding up in silence.

_That was good. You did good. You stopped yourself from digging yourself into a deeper hole. You spared yourself from having to look at that perfect body. Those perfect abs. That perfect ass, and oh yes that perfect little- Not little, definitely not little--_

"Dr. Grey!" Derek said as he rushed up to her.

"Damn-it..." She mumbled as she continued on her way, pretending she didn't hear him. _A shock collar. Maybe I can convince Kristy to put a shock collar on him. But why would she... Must have a reason... Hmm... _Meredith rushed into the locker room and opened her locker.

"Dr. Grey!" Derek said as he walked up to a half naked Meredith. _Oh God. That is going to be a problem. Those damn long legs. Oh, nice panties, baby. Even nicer if you'd take them off and-- She's talking. More like spitting words at me. Probably should listen..._

"Dr. Shepherd, you have no reason to be in here." Meredith said coldly as she pulled her scrub pants up.

"Actually, I do. I need an intern. Who's your best?" He asked as he watched her tie her pants.

"Um... Take Eastman. She's shy. I want her off my hands." Meredith said quickly.

"Okay then, I'll have Pierce." He said with a grin.

"But you-- Whatever. Fine take her." She said in a huff as she walked past him. "I have surgery."

------------------

"That was a great surgery, Dr. Shepherd!" Ellen said exuberantly as they walked out of the scrub room. "Thank you for allowing me to work with you."

"Thank your resident." Derek said as he looked over at her.

"Dr. Grey suggested me?" She said in shock.

"More or less." He mumbled as he walked to the nurses station. He started writing on a chart as he leaned against it. "You need to check our patient." He told her frankly. Derek glanced up when he heard a giggle. It didn't stop. Two of them. Two nurses were giggling, and looking directly at him.

"Can I help you?" He asked the young temp nurse. The other scattered quickly, leaving her alone.

"Um..." She giggled as she looked down at him.

"What the hell is going on?" He asked, getting irritated.

"Is it true?" She finally said with a laugh. She was young. She was inexperienced.

"Is what true?" Derek snapped loudly.

"They're-- The interns. They call you Fantastic Four..." She said as she looked down and began laughing. She quickly wheeled around and took off. Derek stood there in confusion.

_Fantastic Four? Fantastic Four! What the fuck? Four. As in four!? Who? The interns! I have to go find one of this worthless pieces of shit. _

Derek followed the trail. No on was talking. No one wanted to say anything. No one was willing to admit what was going on. He was bound and determined. Someone was to blame, and he had a pretty good idea who it was.

"Hey!" Derek shouted at the intern who everyone was pointing to. "Are you Dr. Mather?"

"That's what it says on my tag." He snapped as he looked up. He quickly began to chuckle.

"Who said it?" He said with a clenched jaw.

"Said what?" Kent asked as he looked down and smiled.

"Cut the shit. Who said it?" He said again. "Dr. Grey, right?" He asked as he looked into his eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking about? Maybe if you told me?" He said with a chuckle.

"I have the ability to make or break you." Derek said firmly.

"Dr. Grey is--" Kent started to say.

"Nothing compared to me. Sure, she could make you miserable. But I can make her miserable. I can make her suffer. Then I can make sure you suffer. So I would suggest spilling it all right now. Was it Dr. Grey?" He said as he glared. Kent looked up at him and reluctantly nodded his head yes.

Derek smiled. She said it. There was only one reason. Jealously. There was interest. She was thinking about it. And what's not to think about. He was well endowed. He had the ability to make her shout. To send her over the edge. He could do a lot to her.

"Dr. Grey...Hmmm..." He said with a smile. "Let me tell you a few things about Dr. Grey..." Kent looked up at him with wide-eyes. He was going to give him the dirt. The dirt on his resident. And he was going to eat it up like candy.

"What? What do you know?" He asked as he leaned in. Derek chuckled at his eagerness. He was more giddy than a sixth-grade girl.

"Man to man?" Derek asked as he lured him in. This was going perfectly. She was getting hers.

"Of course, man to man." Kent said with a big nod.

"Well, I've heard that Dr. Grey hasn't been doing so well in the love department, you know what I'm saying?" Derek said with raised eyebrows.

"What do you mean, like- Like she and de Gaulle?" He said in shock.

"Well, what I've heard... Just a little doctor's lounge conversation... She's not exactly hitting the mark." Derek said as he walked along.

"What do you mean?" Kent asked with a grin.

"Well, apparently she-- She hasn't had an orgasm in years." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Seriously?" Kent asked, eating it up.

"According to de Gaulle, it's been years. Since her last boyfriend. Fourteen years, I guess. It's been frustrating for both of them. Apparently this guy was the only one that could satisfy her needs. So now she's pretty out there. Way out there. Whips and chains. Crazy shit. And that's not even helping the situation. I just feel bad for de Gaulle. Must be hard on his ego. He can't satisfy his woman. But then again, maybe she's like sticking your dick in a cave, do matter how hard you try, you just aren't touching, you know?" Derek said with a chuckle.

"Wow. No wonder she's such a bitch." Kent said with a laugh.

"You aren't lying." Derek said with a smirk. "de Gaulle gets more satisfaction from jacking off to one of her old porn tapes."

"Grey did porn?" Kent said in shock.

"You didn't know? Hmmm. I thought everyone knew. Oh well, you didn't hear it from me." He said as he walked away. He looked up seeing Meredith up ahead. "Dr. Grey." Derek said as he dragged her to the side down an empty hallway.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd." She said as she continued reading a piece of paper. He just looked at her an shook his head. Finally she looked up. "What?" She said quickly.

"You know, it's not nice to spread nasty lies..." He said as he gave her a look.

"Whatever do you mean, Dr. Shepherd?" She said as she looked at him and then at his pants.

"I think you know." He said with a smirk. "You're just lucky I'm so well-natured."

"Maybe if you would elaborate, I would have an idea as to what you are talking about..." She said with a smile. He gave her a look of disgust. "Oh... Oh yes. Mr. Fantastic Four." She said with a giggle.

"That is not very nice, Meredith." Derek said as he shook his head.

"To my defense, it was before you were working here. Kristy was going on about your 11 1/2 cock, which makes me want to vomit, eat it and then vomit again. Like I could let her spread that lie. So I fixed it. Made it a little bit more accurate. And let's face it, it's not. No where near." She said as she looked down.

"It is..." He said with a smirk.

"It is not. But you keep telling yourself that." Meredith said with a laugh.

"I know how we can find out." Derek said as he raised his eyebrows.

"I bet you do." Meredith said as she shook her head and walked away. "By the way, it was so worth it."

"You say that now. We'll see if you are saying that later." Derek said with a chuckle.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Meredith said as she turned her head.

"What goes around, comes around, baby." He said as he spun around and walked off, leaving her dumbfounded.

**Okay, I thought is was funny. I hope you did too!**


	20. Easy Mistake

"Hey." Meredith said as she climbed onto the elevator with her mocha latte.

"Hey..." Kristy said quietly.

"Um..." Meredith said as she stared forward. "It's a nice day." _She's avoiding me. I know avoiding. I do it all that time. That little bitch is ignoring me. Sure, I want to screw he husband, but she doesn't know that. Yes, your husband was the love of my life. And the only serious relationship I've ever had. But she doesn't know that. What the hell is going on? _"Okay, so what the hell is going on?" Meredith finally snapped.

"I-- I'm really sorry. I had no idea." Kristy said guiltily as she looked up.

"No idea about what?" Meredith asked as she looked over.

"Your little problem. I just-- I gloated about Derek and I... I never realized." She stumbled through her words.

"Never realized what?" Meredith pressed again as she took another sip.

"You don't have orgasms." She said reluctantly. Kristy jumped back as Meredith's latte hit the floor and splashed.

"What?" Meredith said in complete shock. "What do you mean, lack of orgasms?" She asked as she whipped her head around.

"Well, that's what everyone is saying." Kristy explained. "So it's not true?"

"No!" Meredith shouted. "No, it's not true!"

"Oh. They're just saying... You and Adrien have a horrible sex life." Kristy said quickly.

"We are fine. I am fine." She spat loudly.

"So I guess you didn't do porn either? And your not into whips and chains?" She said reluctantly.

"What? Oh you have got to be kidding me..." She shook her head in disbelief.

"This is my floor. I'll-- I'll try to set it straight." She said as she began to step off.

"Don't bother." Meredith grumbled.

That jackass. She couldn't believe he said that. He insulted her. He insulted Adrien. She was just kidding, and he took it a step further. And now she had to work with her interns who would no doubt be laughing behind her back. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That was definitely going to be tested. When the doors opened to looked up to see Derek standing down the hallway.

"You son-of-a-bitch!" She shouted in the nearly empty hallway.

"Oh, don't you look nice. Brown looks great on you." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Fuck you, Derek." She spat as she walked to the locker room.

"So you didn't enjoy the karma?" He asked with a smile.

"Karma? That was not karma. That was man-made revenge. And you are an ass!" She spat as she threw the door open.

"Oh, come on." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Whatever, Derek." She said as she turned away from him.

"You're not mad." He said with a smile.

"What? I am pissed." She spat as she ripped her dirty scrubs off.

"No you're not. I know you. You can take a joke. Like you didn't know it was coming..." He said with a smile. "So, it was nice playing with you, Dr. Grey."

"That sounded dirty." She said with a smile.

"It was supposed to." He said as he walked out.

--------------------

"So, Dr. Grey... How much money did you make off of doing the porn? Because I really need to pay off my loans." Danny Carter asked as he ran alongside her.

"Not enough. Not what you'd think." Meredith said with a chuckle.

"So it's true?" He said in shock as he looked at her.

"Hell yes, it is." She said with a serious tone. "I just did it for fun."

"Fun. You're kidding, right?" He asked with a smile.

"Nope. I enjoy porn. Just thought I'd contribute for anyone else who does that same." She said as she looked at the scans on the screen.

"So would you do it again?" He asked quietly.

"Do you really think this line of questioning is suitable for your boss?" She asked as she looked up. His face dropped. "No. I wouldn't. Adrien and I have far too much fun. I don't need to go anywhere else." She said with a smile.

"So--" He said in shock.

"Don't believe everything you hear, Dr. Carter." She said as she walked away. "And I hope that you ran the tests for room 429. I would think the results should be done by now." She said as she continued on her way.

"And the whips and chains..." He yelled.

"Wouldn't you like to know!" She said with a smile.

---------------

Meredith walked with her tray to the table with Kristy. She was done avoiding her. She could do this. She could sit there with her best friend and think dirty thoughts about her husband. She could sit there and hold the truth inside. She could think about the past. She could do all of it. And do it with a straight face.

"Hey..." Kristy said with a smile.

"Hey." Meredith said as she plopped down.

"So, the rumors seem to have died down a little." She pointed out as she took a bite of her hamburger.

"A little." Meredith said with a nod. "I don't care. If people don't have anything better to do. At least I provide free entertainment." She said with a shrug.

"If it were me, I'd be freaking out." She said frankly. "Who do you think it is?"

"I know exactly who it is. But that isn't important." She said with a faint smile playing on her lips. _It's your husband. And he wants to play with me. That's right. He wants to play. And I don't mean chess. Chest, yeah, maybe chest... Like his mouth on mine. So what do you think of that? Straight face. Straight face..._

"Who. You have to tell me who!" She said with an intrigued giggle.

"Nope. Besides, you don't want to know." Meredith told her quickly.

She looked up and frowned. There he marched. Straight towards the table. Now this was going to be a real problem. A huge problem. He couldn't join them. Sitting with Kristy was one thing. Sitting with both of them. Now that was an entirely different story.

"Ah, lunch time." Derek said as he sat down with a big smile.

"Yes. We eat." Meredith responded coldly. "And that is all we do." She said as she glared at him.

"So how are you today, Meredith, right?" He asked with a smirk.

"I'm fine, Dick. Oh, Derek. Sorry, Derek." She said as she looked at him across the table.

"I'm good. How are you?" Kristy said as she kissed him on the cheek.

_Oh. Gag me. You have got to be freaking kidding me. Please stop! Thank god._

"So, I hear you are with Adrien de Gaulle?" He said as he looked up. "How long have you been together?"

"About two months, right Mer?" Kristy said with a grin. "I set them up together! They are so perfect together."

"Is that right?" He asked as he looked up. _I want to rip your clothes off and have my way with you in front of everyone._

"Mmm." Meredith muttered. _If that little tart weren't here, I would drag you to the nearest on-call room. No you wouldn't, quit lying. You've told him no, how many times... It doesn't matter...a girl can dream..._

"She never smiled. And like that last week, she has been-- They are great together." Kristy asked. "They bring out the best in each other."

"Is that so?" He asked Meredith as he cocked his head. That was it. He was asking for it. _Forget dreaming. Let's do it..._

"Yes. It is so. He makes me ever-so-happy. We are completely content." Meredith spat as she looked at him. "Never better..." _Get out of my head._

"Really... Now isn't that nice?" Derek chuckled. _You knew I could get in your head... And I'm not leaving._

"Oh my god! Let's all go to Joe's tonight!" Kristy said with a huge grin. Meredith sucked in a breath, choking on her piece of chicken. They both looked at her as she attempted to breathe.

"I think she's choking!" Kristy shouted.

"Ahh..." Meredith choked. Derek slapped her on the back, causing the chicken to dislodge. She looked up and started breathing. _Get out!_

"So what do you think?" Derek said with a smile. "Two couples, having friendly drinks." _Nope, this is too much fun._

"Um... I'll-- Adrien. Yeah. Yes. Definitely. Drinks at Joe's. I can do that. I will." She said with a confident smile. "Joe's..." _Shit._

_Uh huh. I knew if I gave you enough rope, you would hang yourself._

_I hate you._

_You love me._

_Damn-it...you're right._

_-------------------_

Derek sat down at the table next to Kristy. Her and her big ideas. At first, he thought it would be fun. Another way to make Meredith squirm. Another chance to watch her under pressure. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he had buried himself. Sitting next to her. Watching her with another man... The thought made him sick. And now he had induced his own illness.

"This is going to be so much fun." Kristy said with a smile as she glanced over at Derek.

"Uh huh..." Derek said with a nod. "So where are they?"

"Oh, I'm sure they're on their way." Kristy said as she looked up. "Oh, Adrien!" She said as she waved him over.

"Hello, Kristy. Oh... Derek, is it? Mark's friend, right?" He said as he walked up and shook his hand.

"Oh!" Kristy said, taken aback. "Derek, I didn't know you knew Mark..."

"You know Mark?" Derek said as he looked at her in shock.

"Well, of course. He's like Mer's best guy friend and he lives with her!" Kristy said dumbly. "How do you know Mark?"

"I've known Mark for a long time." Derek said quickly. "But that's not important. Adrien is here. Let's not be rude." He said as he looked up at Adrien who was sitting across the table. Kristy gave him a perturbed look, and then turned away.

"So where is Mer?" Kristy asked as she looked up at Adrien.

"She should be here any minute. She was just finishing up with her patient when I left." Adrien said with a smile.

"Well, I'm going to grab us some drinks. Adrien, what would you like?" Derek asked with a necessary smile.

"I'll have a dry martini, no olive." Adrien said with a faint smile.

"You know what I'll have." She said with a smile. "I'm a cosmo girl." She explained.

"Double scotch, single malt, a dry martini, no, regular, make it a regular martini, two olives and a cosmopolitan." Derek smiled at the Joe.

"You new around here?" Joe asked as he fixed the drinks.

"To Seattle, no. I just transfered from Mercy-West." Derek said with a faint grin.

"Here you go." Joe said with a smile as he slid the drinks over. "Welcome."

"Thanks." Derek said as he walked away with the drinks.

Derek's heart jumped in his throat. He heard the ding of the small bell on the door. There she was. Pure perfection. Her jeans hugged her every curve. They fit like they were made for her. A perfect mold of her body. Her tight low-cut sweater illuminated her eyes. Her hair fell softly on her shoulders. Derek nearly dropped the drinks as he looked into her eyes. She was a total knockout.

_Sit back, matter fact,_

_teasing, toying, turning, chatting, charming,_

_hissing, playing the crowd_

_Play that song again_

_Another couple klonopin_

_A nod, a glance, a half-hearted bow_

Derek couldn't say anything. All of the saliva had long since disappeared from his agape mouth. This was wrong. Completely wrong. She wasn't supposed to be there with that tool. That jackass. Derek slid the drinks to Adrien and Kristy and nodded to Meredith. He quickly turned on his heel and walked back to the bar.

"Tequila." Derek said with a grin.

"Now that one looks like trouble." Joe said with a smile and laugh. "She's not. Not really. Not unless you get her on a bad night... She's a regular."

"Yeah?" Derek asked as he glanced over at Meredith who was smiling. He could hear her infectious laugh in the background.

"And you seem to know her poison." Joe said as he slid the tequila over to him.

"That I do." Derek said as he grabbed the shot and walked over. "Here you go." Derek said as he slid the tequila to Meredith.

"How did you know that Mer drank tequila?" Kristy asked as she looked at him in shock.

"She-- Um-- She told us..." Derek muttered as he sat down.

"She did?" Kristy asked, unconvinced.

"I did." Meredith confirmed as she sipped her tequila.

"I don't know how you do that!" Adrien said as he watched her.

_Oh such grace_

_Oh such beauty_

_And lipstick and callus and fishnets and malice_

_Oh darlin'_

_You're a million ways to be cruel_

_(One zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)_

_You're a million ways to be cruel_

_(One zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)_

_You're a million ways to be cruel_

Derek couldn't keep his eyes off of her. This was cruel. Cruel and unusual punishment. He watched as Adrien placed his hand on her leg. He couldn't even see it. But her knew. That is what he would do. He would have his hand on her leg. It should be his hand.

"So, how was the surgery?" Kristy asked as she looked at Meredith.

"It went really well. Patient is recovering nicely." Meredith said with a smile.

"Meredith is going to make a fine cardio surgeon." Adrien said happily.

"Well, it helps that I have an excellent teacher." Meredith giggled as she looked over at him. "And you, Dick. How was your surgery?" Meredith said with a grin. "Oh! Derek... Sorry, Derek... I don't know why I always call you Dick. You kind of look like a Dick. Well, a Richard. I mean you look like a Richard. Obviously you don't look like a Dick. You're a little to hairy to look like a Dick."

"Meredith!" Kristy said as she shook her head.

"What?" Meredith said innocently.

"I do not know this woman, sorry." Adrien said with a chuckle as he looked at Derek.

"You always get it right when you talk to me." Kristy said with confusion.

"I know. I don't know why I do it." Meredith said innocently. "Anyway, so how was your surgery?"

"It was good. Very good." Derek said with a nod. "You look like you need a refill."

"Ah... Yeah, I think I do. This time I'll have an apple martini. I think I need something sweet..." She said as she raised her eyebrows.

"Hmm... Vodka..." Derek said in shock, knowing what it did to her.

"Yep." Meredith said with a nod.

"Adrien?" Derek asked as he looked at him.

"Same. But dry this time. And no olive." He said, with a look.

"No, he'll have the olive. I'll eat your olive." Meredith said as she bit her lip and looked up at Derek, who's eyes bugged out. She grabbed the toothpick and ran her tongue around the olives before popping them in her mouth.

_I should. I wish I could_

_Maybe if you were I would_

_A list of standard issue regrets_

_One last 80 proof_

_Slouching in the corner booth_

_Baby it's as good as it gets_

"Olives... Only if you'll do that again." Adrien said as he buried his head in her neck.

"Of course." She said. She watched Derek walk up to the bar with clenched fists. He heard her giggle.

"You seem pretty jealous for a guy who's here with his wife." Joe said frankly as he made the martinis.

"What the hell does that mean?" Derek snapped.

"I'm just making a simple observation." Joe said with a shrug. "If it's any consolation, she's looking at you the same way."

"I'm married." Derek stated as he looked at Joe.

"I see that." Joe said simply as he looked at his ring.

Derek marched to the table. His frown turned to a smile when he walked to the table where Meredith was now alone. She was alone. It would just be him and her. For a short second, it would feel like it used to feel, all those years ago.

_Oh such grace_

_Oh such beauty_

_So precious, suspicious, and charming, and vicious_

_Oh darlin'_

_You're a million ways_

_Oh darlin'_

_You're a million ways to be cruel_

_(One zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)_

_You're a million ways to be cruel_

_(One zero zero zero zero zero zero cruel)_

_You're a million ways to be cruel_

"Where did everyone go?" Derek said as he sat next to her.

"Adrien was paged and he went outside to call. And Kristy is in the bathroom." Meredith said as he green eyes locked with his blue ones.

"This is horrible." Derek finally admitted. "You're here with him. I'm with her. This was a bad idea. Why the hell did you agree to this?" Derek grumbled.

"I think you deserved it. Now everyone at Seattle Grace thinks I'm a porn star who can't have an orgasm. You deserved it." She said in a huff. "And the cave comment. A little over the top. That was just cruel..." She said softly as she leaned to his ear. "But you know better. You know just how tight I am..." She said as she nibbled his ear. He felt her hand graze his shaft. She rested her hand on him and began massaging. "So tight..." She whispered as she felt his erection grow. "So very tight..." She pulled away when she saw the bathroom door open.

"You are cruel." He muttered as he looked at her.

"Oh. I feel much better." Kristy said with a smile.

"I think you had the right idea." Meredith said as she looked up. "I saw some of the nurses on the other side of the bar..." Meredith pointed. "I think they were looking for you."

"Oh. I better go say hi." She said as she walked over happily. "Yep...off to the bathroom I go." She said as she ran her arm across his back, tugging his arm.

_Oh darlin'_

_Oh darlin'_

_You're a million ways_

_Oh darlin'_

_Oh darlin'_

_You're a million ways_

_Oh..darlin'_

_Oh darlin'_

_You're a milion ways to be..._

_Oh oh oh oh oh_

Meredith walked nonchalantly towards the restroom. Derek waited a few minutes. He looked around. What was she doing? What was he doing? He looked down at his awaiting erection. At least he knew what his body was doing. He glanced around again. Kristy would be over there for a long time. Once she started talking to them, she couldn't pull herself away. He looked over at the door. No Adrien.

Derek quickly climbed to his feet and walked towards the restrooms. Left. Men's is left. He looked back, and turned right. Swinging the door open he walked in. He immediately felt her spin him around, her hand turning the lock as she attacked him.

Derek looked into her eyes. She had vodka eyes. Only vodka did that to her. It made her spontaneous. It made her crazy. But more importantly, it made her horny. Meredith could feel Derek's hard erection against her abdomen as she forced her lips onto his, sticking her tongue into his awaiting mouth.

Their tongues meshed. Sliding. Slipping. Pressing. Tasting. It was erotic. It was full of need. He heard her moan softly as he bit her bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth as he tasted her sweetness. Apple. Like a Jolly Rancher. And he was hoping he would be jolly rancher soon. Because all he wanted at the moment was to tame this wild mare in his arms.

"I thought you'd never come." She said as she pulled away breathlessly.

"Oh I always come." Derek said as he raised his eyebrows. "What do you want?" He asked, praying that she wouldn't say no. Praying that she wouldn't tease him. Praying that he would be able to feel her around him. Praying that he could hear her shout his name.

"I want you." She said frankly. She she ran her hands down his crotch.

"What do you want?" He asked, dragging it out of her.

"I want you to fuck me. I want you to cum inside of me. I want to feel your cock pulsate inside of me." She moaned as he dark eyes looked into his.

"Way to be frank." He said as he pushed her against the other wall, devouring her neck. She felt her fumble at his jeans. She pulled them down swiftly and then did her own.

"Condom." She said as she looked at him.

"Wallet." He muttered as he ran her hand down her ass. She bent down and grabbed his jeans. She looked up at his hard cock in front of her face. She smiled as she leaned in and ran her tongue down his thick vein. "No time." He muttered as he looked down. He watched her tear the package open, and roll the condom onto his penis.

"Fuck me..." She moaned as he shoved her against the wall. She wrapped one of her long legs around him, resting it on his ass. He looked down at her and smiled before thrusting deep inside.

"You are tight..." He said with a smile.

"Only for you, baby." She moaned into his shoulder, biting down on him, leaving teeth marks.

"Oh god..." He moaned as she moved her hips.

"Harder... Derek, I need it harder..." She moaned as she pushed into him. He smiled as he drove into her as hard as he could. They heard someone jiggling the doorknob.

"Someone's out there." he said as he pounded into her, feeling his cock pulsating hard. She could feel her core heating up and tightening even more.

"Fuck them." She moaned as she began to melt. Yep, vodka. "Oh god...oh god...fuck...Derek!!"

"Shit...Oh god Mer...fuck." He moaned as he squeezed her ass with his hands.

"Ohhhh..." She moaned as she tightened around her, releasing hot fluid around him.

"Oh god..." He moaned as he released. He could feel her clamping and releasing around him. "Oh..." He felt her pull away, her feet hitting the floor. She quickly pulled her pants on.

"Thank you." She said with a dirty grin.

"No...thank you." He mumbled softly. He looked into her eyes. "I love you..." He said softly. No response. She watched him throw the used condom in the trash and work on his belt.

She quickly walked out of the bathroom and to the table. Adrien looked up at her with confusion. She sat softly down next to him. He looked over at her and smiled. She had no idea how long he had been on the phone, and she was not going to act guilty. She was going to act like she had only been gone a few minutes.

"Where's Derek and Kristy?" Adrien asked as he looked around.

"Hell if I know. Probably off screwing somewhere." She said with a shrug. "And I need another." She said as she picked up her glass.

"Not a problem." He said as he jumped up and grabbed another. Derek returned to the table and sat quietly, looking up at her. Adrien walked over and sat the drink down in front of her, kissing her neck. "Here you go. How would you like to visit the restroom with me?" He whispered.

"Thanks." Meredith said as she took a sip. "But I was just there." She giggled.

"That's not what I meant." He said with disappointment. "Where's Kristy?" Adrien asked.

"Talking to her friends." Derek said with a shrug. _By the way...I just hit that. Uh huh. I just came inside your girl. How do you like that, fucker? _Derek was taken aback even by his own thoughts.

"Sorry I was gone so long, guys." Kristy said as she came back to the table. "I hope you kept yourselves busy..."

"Oh did we ever..." Meredith muttered with a chuckle. "I need another." She said with a smile.

"I just got you one." Adrien said in shock.

"Well, I drank it. I need another." She giggled.

"Mer, maybe you should slow down." Derek said softly, causing Kristy to look over.

"Maybe she wants another one, Derek." Kristy snapped. Adrien rose to his feet and went to the bar. "It is her choice."

"She doesn't-- Whatever." He muttered as he looked away. Several drinks. Too many. Derek watched. Disaster is building. Trouble. Big trouble.

"I love this song!" Meredith shouted loudly.

"Shhh! Mer, you're being a little loud." Adrien warned.

"I am fine!" Meredith squealed as she started singing loudly. "Let's dance..." She said as she grabbed Adrien's arm.

"Mer, I- No one else is dancing..." Adrien said quickly.

"Who gives a shit!" She yelled. "Derek?" She asked, he shook his head no.

"Fine, I'll dance by myself." She said as she stumbled out into the middle of the bar.

"We should stop her." Derek said in shock as he watched her dance around.

"It's cute. She's having a good time." Kristy said with a giggle.

"And she won't be able to walk in the hospital without hiding her face tomorrow!" Derek said quickly.

"Why do you care, Derek?" She snapped quickly.

"Holy shit." Adrien said as he looked up to see Meredith up on the bar. They could hear people yelling and whistling.

"Grey's gone Coyote Ugly!" One of her interns yelled.

"Damn-it." Derek said as he stood quickly and walked to the bar, grabbing her down.

"What are you doing? Get your hands off of me!" She yelled as she hit him.

"You are going home." He said as he threw her over his shoulder. Adrien looked over in shock. Kristy and Adrien jumped up and followed him out as she pounded on his back.

"I'll drive you guys home." Derek said, having had only one drink.

"Okay." Adrien agreed as he watched Derek throw her in the back seat, Adrien climbed beside her.

"Fuck, you, Derek." Meredith spat from the back seat. "Asshole."

"Meredith..." Kristy said as she looked back.

"Fuck you too." Meredith spat. "Once as ass, always an ass, Derek." She muttered.

"Meredith..." Adrien warned.

"Seriously?" She spat. "Fuck you too."

"What the hell?" Kristy said quickly.

"It's the vodka." Derek said as he shook his head. He was relieved when he pulled in front of her apartment. He looked back to see Meredith passed out in Adrien's arms.

"Thanks." Adrien said as they pulled up. "And sorry. She didn't mean it." He said as he scooped her up and walked away.

"What the hell, Derek?" Kristy spat loudly.

"What?" He snapped back.

"Why so protective?" Kristy asked loudly.

"She's your friend." He said with a shrug.

"Yes, my friend. Not yours." She told him.

"By proxy she is." He explained as he glanced over.

"And what did you mean, it's the vodka? How would you know that?" She asked with an attitude.

"Well, I'd say that's obvious. She doesn't normally act like that, does she?" He asked as he looked over.

"No. But she said once an ass, always an ass. What was that?" Kristy asked.

"How the fuck should I know? She's drunk!" He shouted.

"Something isn't right..." She muttered.

"Yeah. Maybe you're a delusional bitch..." He said under his breath. She heard, but didn't respond.

Derek drove home in silence. He should be home with Meredith. Not Adrien. Adrien was going to let her dance on the bar. He didn't care about her. He didn't want to protect her. And now Kristy was asking questions. And they had sex. And now he was digging a hole. Now it was becoming a mess. Once was not enough. Not for him. Not with her. And now she was going to have a horrible day tomorrow. And she wasn't going to remember it. Not the dancing. Not the conversation. Not the amazing sex. That was vodka. That's what it did to her.

**Not good. Not good at all...**


	21. Playing With Fire

Adrien sat there and looked at Meredith. To say she was snoring loudly was an understatement. Loud, no. Ear-shattering, yes. He had slept last night. Only because the moment he hit the bed, he had passed out. They were both in their same clothes. That wasn't his normal. He wasn't the guy that drank until he blacked out. He didn't get tanked. He sipped one or two martinis and that was it. Last night was different. Last night he followed Meredith's suit. Admittedly, Meredith, even for her size, could handle liquor better than he could. He didn't remember everything from last night. But he did remember one thing. Last night he needed to drink. Their was a strangeness in the air. A strangeness that made him want to drink. Made him want to forget.

Adrien stared at her peaceful face. She was completely relaxed, even with the earth shattering noise that she was creating. She had to get up. He knew she had to get up. But he was afraid. She was too peaceful. And if she felt a quarter of the way that he did right now, it was going to be a hell of a day.

"Mer..." He said as he shook her softly.

"Mmmm." She moaned as she rolled away from him.

"Meredith... It's time to get up." He said as he kissed her neck softly.

"I don't want to." She moaned as she lifted her head and covered it with the pillow. "Go away..."

"Come on..." He said as he rubbed her arm.

"No!" She shouted as she hit him.

"Okay then." Adrien said as he stumbled out of her room and towards the bathroom.

"Morning." Mark said as he glanced up into the hallway.

"Morning." Adrien grumbled as he walked into the bathroom and shut the door. Mark shrugged as he walked into the kitchen and started the coffee.

"You look like you had a rough night." Mark said as he poured coffee into his cup.

"You have no idea." Adrien said as he grabbed his cup and Meredith's. "She won't get up." Adrien said at he nodded towards their bedroom.

"Sure she will." Mark said with a chuckle.

"I've been trying for a half an hour." Adrien said frankly.

"I'll get her up." He said as he walked to the bedroom. He shook his head when she saw her, snoring, with the pillow over her head. "Mer..." He said as he shook her gently.

"Go away!" She spat as she swung at him blindly.

"Meredith!" He said as ripped the pillow off of her. "Get your ass up now! Whoa!" He said as he looked at her disheveled appearance.

"Errr. I hate you." She said as she covered her face with her hands.

"You're going to be late." He said as he looked at the clock.

"Fine. I'm up." She grumbled as she sat up. "Shit." She muttered as she stood up as watched the room spin. She stumbled into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. She looked like she had packed for a month under eyes. Her skin was pale. Her body ached. This was going to be a bad day. She walked out to the kitchen, the earth feeling uneasy.

"Morning, honey." Adrien said as he looked up at her.

"Mmmm." She moaned as she walked in and sat down, sipping the coffee Adrien had gotten her. "Perfect." She muttered as she sipped. She shifted in her chair. Her ass hurt. It hurt bad.

"Vodka." Mark said with a chuckle. "You only look that way after a night of vodka."

"How did you know that?" Adrien asked in shock.

"I know Meredith." Mark said with a nod.

"Did I-- Did I drink vodka?" She asked as she looked over.

"You did. But I have to be honest, I remember much of last night myself." He said with a shrug.

"Shit." She muttered as she looked at her coffee. Vodka. It worked. She didn't remember a damn thing.

"So why the vodka?" Mark asked.

"I wanted something sweet. Apple martini." She muttered loudly.

"Hmm..." Mark said, knowing there was much more to this situation. "Why did you go to Joe's?"

"We met Kristy and Derek." Adrien explained.

And there it was. It was Derek. Meredith had a weakness when it came to vodka. Only vodka. For some reason, her system couldn't handle it. And she knew it. She knew that when she drank too much of it, the results were not good. Generally she passed out and forgot. She was with Derek. True pain. The strongest form. To see the love of her life with another woman. It was deliberate. She was drinking to forget.

"I have to take a shower." Meredith said quickly as she stood and walked to the bathroom.

As soon as she reached the toilet, she began retching. Not from the alcohol. From the thought of Derek and Kristy. Vomit. That was what she thought of that. She moaned as she wiped her face and walked over, peeling her clothes off. Her eye got wide as she looked in the mirror. It was a telltale sign. His mark. She had a nice purple mark on her collarbone. He always did that. He. As in him. As in Derek. Shit.

She peeled off her jeans from the night before, and her panties. Oh no. She looked at the thong. Ripped. She ripped it. This was getting worse by the minute. A hickey, not good. It meant they kissed. Ripped panties, an entirely different story. She turned slightly, mouth agape. Two large hand prints on her ass. Someone had squeezed, and they squeezed hard. And she knew just who that someone was.

This was bad. Beyond bad. She and Derek had sex. Last night. With Kristy and Adrien right there. They had sex. She cheated. Again. The second time. She was now officially and adulterer. A dirty mistress. A whore. A feeling of guilt and nausea overcame her. She was a whore. She had sex. With him. She had sex with him. And the worst part... She couldn't remember it.

"Are you ready to go?" Adrien asked as she walked out to the living room.

"As I'll ever be." She muttered as she grabbed her bag.

She had sex. And now she had to face him. And her. She wad to face them both. She climbed in Adrien's car. On her way to doom. And she had no idea just how bad it would be.

------------------

It was early. The interns hadn't gotten there yet. Not that Meredith was aware of the last night's recent events. She wasn't aware that she had made a complete fool of herself. She discreetly changed into her scrubs as she always did. But this time, she wasn't only hiding her scars, but her recent sex battle wounds. She walked out onto the floor. How would she face him?

Whistling. Yep. Whistling. Loud whistling. Shouting. Cheering. All coming from that of her interns and a few of the nurses. She quickly looked back, seeing who was behind her. No one. It was her. She was the reason they were whistling. It was her. She stood there in shock. Now she was wondering just what is was that she had done.

"I'm surprised that you're here today, Dr. Grey." Kent Mather said as he walked up to her.

"Aren't you early?" Meredith asked with a frown.

"A little. But I was excited about today." Kent said with a grin.

"What is today?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"The aftermath..." Kent said with an evil grin. "That was some dance you gave everyone last night." He looked at the confusion on her face. "And you don't remember. I'm not surprised."

"I would suggest you get your ass in the locker room and get your scrubs on." Meredith said with a scowl. Meredith looked off into the distance, seeing Derek coming her way.

"Shit!" She muttered as she turned on her heel and took off. She turned down the hall and opened the supply closet door, sneaking inside. She walked to the back and sighed. A sticky situation. She felt like a mouse on a glue trap. Stuck. Struggling for everyone to see. For everyone to mock. She heard the door open and leaned back behind the shelves. Derek walked to the back, his eyes locking on to hers.

"Shit..." She muttered as she looked at him and then to the floor. "We had sex... Didn't we?" She said sadly.

Derek looked at her, she was near tears. And that hurt. It really hurt. He knew Meredith. She was honest. She was kind. The real Meredith loved with all of her heart. Meredith had a conscience. She didn't set out to hurt people. It was tearing her up. The feelings she had for Derek. For her friend's husband, were killing her. And that killed him.

"No." He said as he looked into her eyes.

"No?" She asked as she looked up, some hope in her eyes.

"No." He said regrettably. She looked at him. He was lying. Damn-it, he was lying.

"You're lying." She said with a frown.

"No I'm not." He said with a straight face.

"You are." She said with a sigh. "Crap... Shit. Son-of-a-bitch."

"Thanks, that feels great." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Quit! Just quit. Tell me the truth..." She pleaded. "I- I need to know. Because if I go home... If he sees..." She muttered to herself as the tears began to fall.

"Sees what?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"This!" She said as she pulled her shirt up. He looked at the purple mark on her collarbone. Then, of course, his eye travelled to her perfect breasts peaking out of her lacy bra. He felt himself start to react.

"Stop! Eyes here!" She shouted as she pointed. "You did this. You always did this. And my ass. My ass has hand prints. So if we-- I need to know." She said as she straightened her clothing.

"We..." Derek trailed off as he pulled his shirt to the side, revealing her bite impression on his shoulder.

"Oh my god..." She cried as she covered her face. "I am a whore. I'm a filthy whore."

"No, Mer... You were... And I..." He said as he pulled her close. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" She said as she looked up at him.

"I knew. Vodka. I knew, and I still did it." He said with a frown. "I knew. You didn't. I wasn't drunk. You were."

"What else? What did I do last night?" Meredith said with a frown.

"You may have dance Coyote Ugly style on the bar..." He winced as he looked into her shocked face.

"You're shitting me." She said as she turned pale.

"I wish I were." Derek told her with a chuckle. "And I may have grabbed you off the bar and carried you over my shoulder."

"Oh God... I can't go out there." She said as she looked at the door. "How can I expect my interns to respect me after that?"

"Well, I have to admit, the dance was pretty hot." He said with a shrug. She shook her head and looked down at her watch.

"Not what I want to hear. Hopefully they were drunk too..." She moaned. "I have to go out there. They'll all be able to tell. I'm-- I'm a dancing porn star who can't have an orgasm and sleeps with her friend's husband..." She said as she began to tear up again. She wiped her eyes and walked to the door.

"You are not a whore!" He said firmly. "Do you understand me?"

"Yeah... That doesn't make it truth, though..." She said as she continued on.

"Mer?" He asked.

"What?" She asked as she looked back.

"I'm yours. On paper, I'm hers. But in my heart. In my soul... I'm yours. And I- I don't regret it. I don't regret any of it..." He said as he walked towards he, placing his hand on her head and his lips against hers. She moaned as he slid his tongue inside. "I don't regret it..." He said as he stoked her cheek and walked out, leaving her more confused than ever.

-------------------

"Were you there?" Meredith quietly asked Dina, her intern. Lately she had been feeling a little closer to her. She was the weak kid. Not necessarily weak. More quiet. More reserved.

"Last night?" Dina asked as she glanced up at Meredith, while was working on her patient.

"Yeah." Meredith whispered.

"Yes, I was there." Dina said with a frown. "It wasn't as bad as they say. Kent is just taking advantage because you don't remember."

"Of course he is." Meredith muttered as she glanced up.

"You're a good dancer." Dina said with a smile.

"Well, not something I had planned on displaying on a bar." Meredith said softly.

"So... Dr. Shepherd." Dina said as she continued retracting.

"What about him?" Meredith asked with indifference.

"Nothing..." Dina quickly said, not looking up. "I just... Nothing."

"Have you picked your specialty yet?" Meredith asked.

"No. I have no idea. I should, right? I should know." She said with concern.

"Not always." Meredith reassured her.

"How did you know?" Dina asked as she looked up.

"It was a borrowed dream. And apparently it wasn't borrowed, because they person ended up doing something else." Meredith told her.

"Oh." Dina said with confusion. "Do you regret it?"

"Not at all." Meredith returned quickly. She glanced up in the gallery, seeing Derek's blue eyes staring down.

It was wrong. Something had to change. She had put herself in the middle of a mess. A complete and utter mess. But it was the addiction. It had always been the sweet addiction of Derek. They both felt it. It was a strong feeling they got when they looked into each other's eyes. They couldn't pull away. The attraction was fatal. Bound to hurt anyone who got in the way. Something definitely had to change. Will power was diminishing.

"Okay, I think we're finished here." Meredith said as she stepped back from the table and walked to the scrub room.

"That was a great surgery, Dr. Grey." Dina said as she washed her hands.

"I want you to keep on eye on her." Meredith said as she dried her hands and walked out.

"Hey." Derek said as he walked alongside her.

"Not now." She said as she continued on. She placed her hand on her neck. The stress was definitely not helping that.

"What?" Derek said as he continued on.

"I hurt, Derek. My body hurts. I'm tired. I'm ashamed. I'm humiliated. This had been a hell of a morning. The day isn't even over and I feel like I can't go on. So excuse me if I can't do it right now." She said as she grabbed a chart, making some notes.

"Meredith..." He said as he followed her down the hall. She quickly opened the on-call room door and shut it in his face. "Mer..."

"Derek..." She said as she laid on the bed. "I can't do this."

"What?" He asked quickly.

"Look at you and not touch you. Look at you and not feel guilty. Look at you and not want to rip your clothes off." She moaned as she rubbed her face. "I hurt too bad to have to deal with this."

"Roll over." Derek said quickly.

"What?" She said as she looked up at him.

"On your stomach..." He told her. "Come on... I'm not going to sodomize you." He chuckled. She rolled onto her stomach. She moaned as he placed his hands on her back.

"How does that feel?" He asked as he felt her relax.

"Oh god...Derek..." She moaned as he kneaded.

"Don't do that." He said frankly.

"What?" She chuckled softly.

"Oh...God...Derek. That. I can't... Not good." He told her with a chuckle.

"Oh god...baby...oh god." She moaned loudly. "Harder...harder..." She began to chuckle.

"I'm not kidding." He said quickly.

"Derek...come on..." She moaned. "Oh yeah..."

"Thanks." He muttered as he looked down.

"You are pathetic." She said as she rolled over and looked at him. "Thank you." He said as she rolled over. Derek looked into her eyes and smiled.

"Anytime." He muttered as his lips moved in. She moaned as she felt them connect, emitting millions of sparks. Derek moved closer, one hand on either side of her body as he leaned over her.

"Kristy..." She moaned as he felt his hard cock press against her, causing her to lose all thought.

"She's off today." He said as he nipped her flesh.

"Oh god..." She moaned.

"Oh... I need you..." He muttered as her hips raised, rubbing against his hard member, causing him to gasp.

"I...I..." She moaned as all rational thought flew out the window. Derek moved his hand down and pulled his scrub pant strings and the same to hers. She raised her hips as she slid them down. She felt his hand graze across her, sending her into a frenzy. His fingers plunging into her heated core.

"I want you." He said as he travelled down. "I want to taste you..." He said as his tongue plunged in. They heard the door click. They both looked up like deer in the headlights. Shit.

**Yep...Playing with fire...**


	22. The Sex Cloud

The sex cloud. It had it's way of taking them over. It pulled them in. It made them do unspeakble things to each other. It made them think innappropriate thoughts. It controlled them. Once they were pulled in, there was no stopping the eneviatble. There was no way to stop it. No vaccine. So treatment. It was a runaway train, and no one could even try.

Meredith looked up from her compromising position. Her green eyes met with a pair of steely blue ones. The sex cloud. She was in it. She could still feel the way his tongue was gently rubbing against her clit. The way his hot breath tingled her delicate flesh. The feeling of his hands pulling her thighs apart. She was there, seconds away. She didn't want to stop. She didn't want to come out of the cloud. Then reality hit.

"Shit!" Meredith spat somewhat in shock as she looked up as Mark.

"Mark." Derek muttered as he quickly pulled his own pants up.

"Mer, pull up your pants." Mark muttered as he looked over at her. He felt like her brother. He felt like he had to protect her. Boss her around. She quickly ripped them up and tied the strings. "You guys have got to be kidding me!"

"I-- We--- He made me!" Meredith said as she pointed to Derek.

"I made you?" Derek said in shock.

"Let's be honest here, Mer... It didn't look like he was making you do anything." Mark said with raised brows. "If anything, he was at the losing end of the deal." He chuckled.

"Defnitely not the losing end." Derek muttered as he looked over at her.

"Well, if you guys are going to do this you have to be more careful. For doctors, you are pretty damn stupid. Next time, at least lock the door." Mark said iwth a chickle.

"I-- We-- Damn-it." She moaned as she stood up. "Damn you!" She spat as she walked towards the door. "I hate you... You and your stupid penis!"

"You love my penis." He said as he watched her walk out, flustered.

"What are you doing?" Mark said as he sat on the bed next to Derek.

"I don't know. I don't know..." He said as she rubbed his hands over his face.

"Not that I didn't figure this would happen..." Mark said with a shrug.

"She's- I can't control myself. I don't want to. I am cheating on my wife. I am cheating on her. Sex twice. And I don't give a shit. Every look. Every thought. It's Meredith. Not Kristy. Not anyone else. I see her, and I melt. I can't stop." Derek said as he shook his head. "A glance and I have to hide behind something,"

"Why don't you divorce the bobble head already?" Mark asked with confusion.

"Mer won't let me. She says I need to try..." Derek explained, barely understanding it himself. "She said that now that I know she's alive, I can be free of the guilt and move on."

"So Meredith is your boss now?" Mark asked. "Strike that. I already know the answer to that one."

"She feels guilty. She shouldn't. But she does. She is friends with Kristy and she's terrified of losing that." Derek told him.

"So she'd rather live a miserable life with Mr. French than be happy?" Mark asked.

"Basically." Derek said with a shrug. "I promised her I would try. But I can't. What does this have to be so fucking difficult?"

"So she wants you to try, but she let's you go down on her in an on-call room..." Mark said with a chuckle. "Mer always was a little confused."

"I can't stop, Mark. I'm just going to end up hurting someone, but I can't stop." Derek said as he shook his head.

"The sex cloud." Mark muttered.

"Uh huh." Derek agreed.

"You guys always have had a problem with that." Mark said frankly.

"You know, she was right. One time was a mistake. But two..." Derek said as he shook his head. "At the bar last night... What the hell do I do?"

"You know what to do." Mark said with a nod.

"I don't. I really don't. I don't want to push her away. If I leave Kristy... She will say it was because of her. And it is. It would be. The guilt will eat her up. How would we move on?" Derek asked. "But being around her... It's impossible."

"I would just do it. Give in to the enevitable." Mark told him. "Take what you can get..."

"What?" Derek asked in shock as he looked over.

"I'm not saying it's okay... But you need to accept this. You can't stay away from her." Mark said with a shrug.

"I don't want to." Derek said quickly. "No matter what, I know this won't end well."

"It never does." Mark said as he stood up.

"You're no help." Derek said as he stood.

"I know." Mark agreed.

-------------------

"So, would you like to go to Joe's?" Adrien asked as he wrapped his arm around Meredith's waist.

"I hope you're kidding." Meredith said as they walked through the hospital.

"I am." He said with a chuckle. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you got the brunt of it. I'm sorry I didn't stop you."

"It's okay. You were not so coherent yourself." She said with a nod. "I'm just glad that someone stopped me. Who knows what I would have done to myself."

"Never again. I am never drinking like that again." Adrien said as he looked at her.

"What came over you? You never do that." Meredith said as she looked over at him.

"I was in an odd mood." He lied as he looked at the ground. "I just felt like I needed a drink."

"Oh." Meredith said, dropping it.

"So, I guess I should be thanking Derek then." Adrien said as he looked at her.

"I wouldn't worry about thanking him." Meredith said as she picked up her pace.

"I guess I could thank you instead." Adrien said as he kissed her neck.

"I didn't do anything worth thanking." She said as he pushed her against the car.

"I just need a reason. Any reason." He said as his mouth trailed her neck. Meredith pulled away when she looked off in the distance, seeing Derek walking to his car. Their eyes met. Jealousy. She could see the bright red reflection of jealousy in his blue eyes.

"You know what I think?" Adrien asked as he glanced over at Derek and back at her.

"What?" She asked softly.

"I think a certain neurosurgeon has a little crush on you." Adrien said with a smirk. Meredith began laughing heartily, trying to cover up her own guilt.

"That is ridiculous!" She laughed. "He's married. To my best friend. He just wants to be friendly. He's not-- You're so funny." She said as she scrunched her nose.

"Laugh all you want." He said frankly. "He wants you. But I have to say..." He said as he leaned in and whispered. "I'm not worried..."

[i_You should be. You should be really worried. Very worried. If the conditions were right, you wouldn't have a snow ball's chance in hell. You'd be vaporized. Oh god... What am I doing? I have to stop. I have got to stop this. There is no future for you. Not with him. That ship sailed. You missed the departure. Now you'll have to ride this boat.[/i_

"You shouldn't be worried..." She lied blatantly as she looked at him.

"So I was thinking... Maybe a quiet dinner, back to my place for dessert?" He asked as he looked into her green eyes.

"I'm tired." She shut him down, quickly. She couldn't. Not with the marks. The telltale signs of sex. Not just sex. Hot sex. Rough sex.

"I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I'm sure I could wake you..." He said with a chuckle.

"Hmm..." She moaned. [i_This is not good. Not good at all. This can't happen. When all else fails, fake illness. [/i _"Oh..." She moaned as she grabbed her stomach.

"Are you okay?" He asked with concern.

"Yeah...I just. My stomach. I ate that crap from the cafeteria today." She said as she rubbed her stomach.

"Well, luckily you have me to take care of you." He said as he hit the door lock button. They both looked down as they heard his pager blare.

"Shit." He said as he looked down. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine." She said with a smile.

"Don't expect me anytime soon." He said with a frown as he kissed her softly. "Rain-check?"

"Sure." She said as she grabbed his keys. "See you tomorrow." She said as he walked away as she climbed in his car. She sat there. So close. So very close. It was getting complicated. Feelings were getting stronger all the way around.

She took a deep breath and pulled out, driving through the parking lot. She glanced over at Derek, who was watching her. She could tell by his body language that he wanted her to stop. She couldn't. She sped out.

------------------

Meredith was relieved to come home to a quiet house. She looked in the refrigerator. There wasn't really anything to eat. Not to mention she had lost her appetite. Her stress level was high. Very high. The solution seemed so simple. Anyone with a half a brain could figure it out. A half a brain. Apparently she didn't even have a half a brain. Brainless. She was quite possibly brainless.

The hot water wrapped around her body. Not even in the solace of her bathtub was she safe. Not even there could she relax. She couldn't get the thoughts out of her head. The thoughts of him. It hurt. It physically hurt to think about it. But she couldn't stop it. She closed her eyes.

She was laying back on the bed as he planted soft kisses on her abdomen. Her perfectly smooth, non-blemished abdomen. One that wasn't damaged. It was the way it once was. All of it. His tongue travelled over her soft flesh. He spread her legs and moaned before hitting his destination. She looked into his blue eyes as he ran his tongue across her clit.

"Damn-it!" She said loudly as she sank under the water. She had to stop doing that. The more she allowed it, the more she was going to do it. The water was peaceful. Quiet. Comfortable. She came up for air a moment before it was too late. The last moment before life is gone. She gasped as she looked around the dark bathroom.

Sliding on her oversized t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants she walked out to the sofa and laid there. The Seattle skyline was so perfect. So beautiful. The bright lights of the city confirming that there was life out there. There were still normal people out there. Normal people living their lives. People that hadn't completely messed up their lives. People that were not in pain. Happy people. The exact opposite of her.

Mark walked into the quiet apartment. He say her motionless body laying in the soft moonlight. She was either sleeping or deep in thought. Either way she was in pain. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He would do anything to take her pain away. Anything.

"Hey..." Mark said as he walked over quietly. She hadn't even heard him come in.

"Hey." She said as she lifted her head up. He sat down on the end of the sofa. She laid her head back on his lap.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he looked down at her sad eyes.

"No." She said frankly as she closed her eyes. "I don't know what pain is greater. Thinking he left me all those years. Or seeing him right in front of me, and not being able to have him." She said as a tear ran down her cheek.

"Mer..." He said as he stroked her cheek. "It's not that hard. It's an easy decision."

"No, Mark, it's not. You know Derek. I know Derek. He is married. He cares about her. He pretends he doesn't, but he does. He wouldn't have married her if he didn't love her." Meredith said as she wiped her tears.

"Derek changed. You changed him. You didn't see him. I watched him crumble." Mark explained. "I watched the downfall."

"No, Mark. People change, but their basic makeup is the same. He was always Derek. Derek knew what he was doing. He had a purpose. He was lonely and he moved on. Now he is just afraid to admit it. Because I didn't. I didn't move on. His mind is cloudy right now. He's confused. I think they have a chance. Derek would have never married her..." Meredith said with a frown. "I would never make him happy. I'm too damaged. And-- I can't."

"That is such bullshit. The worst part is, I think you actually believe it." Mark said with a chuckle. "You are hurting him. He wants to end it with her."

"Because he's confused." Meredith explained.

"Because he's in love." Mark retorted.

"I don't want to be the reason that their marriage failed." Meredith told him.

"Their marriage has already failed." Mark said quickly.

"So, what... He divorces her? Our friendship ends. I lose a friend..." Meredith asked.

"You have been friends for all of what, eight seconds? Big deal. We are your friends. Derek, me. Addison. Addison was your best friend. What about her? We were best friends. And now you want to be a stubborn ass? I needs to go back. We need to got back. He needs to divorce her, then-" He said quickly.

"And then we will fail. Then he's alone. He will resent me. And she won't take him back. Everyone gets screwed." She said as she sat up. "I'm going to bed." She said as she stomped off to her room.

"What makes you think you would fail?" Mark asked as he looked up at her.

"We already did." She said as she shut her bedroom door.

Mark sat there dumbfounded. She was in a sour mood. At this point, he knew talking to her would be like talking to a wall. The sound would just bounce off of her and and back at him. Mark did not understand she thinking. It made absolutely no sense to him. But a lot of things she did didn't make any sense to him.

Mark walked over to the refrigerator, not surprised that there was no food. He had been out of town, and she obviously hadn't shopped. Not that he had expected her to. He looked in the back, finding a container of chicken salad. It was old. It was rancid. He shook his head as he threw it in the trash. Lunch meat, old. Bread, moldy. He looked on the front of the refrigerator door. Chinese food. It wasn't pizza, and they delivered. It would work.

He sat on the sofa and stared at the t.v. This shouldn't bother him. It shouldn't affect him. It didn't matter. He was a man whore. A known man whore. He slept around. He was wrapped up in himself. Conceited. Not a caring guy. He should be busy. He should be out. Not sitting on the sofa. Not waiting for take out. Not worrying. He jumped up from the sofa when he heard the doorbell ring.

"Derek." He said, somewhat shocked.

"Hey, Mark. Is Mer here?" Derek asked quietly as he glanced in.

"She's sleeping." Mark said with a shrug.

"It's only nine." He said in shock as he looked at his watch.

"She's-- She didn't feel good. Just tired." Mark said quickly. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"She just looked upset when she left the hospital." Derek said sadly.

"She is upset. For good reason." Mark told him.

"I don't know how to help her..." Derek replied with a frown.

"Do you want to come in?" Mark asked as he stepped back.

"Yeah, I guess. It's not like have anywhere better to go." Derek said as he walked in.

"Thanks, man. That feels great." Mark said with a chuckle.

"Sorry." Derek said with a shrug. They both plopped down on the sofa and stared at the t.v.

"So... What's going on?" Mark asked as he glanced over at Derek, who was obviously somewhere else.

"I don't know." Derek said in disgust. "I just don't know what I'm doing anymore."

"You're not the only one." Mark said with a chuckle. "This is a lot of stress on her..."

"I know, but I don't know how I can help." Derek told him.

"What do you want?" Mark asked him frankly. "You. What do you want?" Derek sighed and rubbed his face.

"I want Kristy to go away. I want a divorce. And I want Mer. I want us to be together." Derek told him.

"There is your answer." Mark said with a smirk.

"No, I--" Derek said quickly.

"You know what you want. Now do something about it." Mark told him. They both looked up when the doorbell rang. "That's my dinner." Mark said as he stood.

Derek looked over at him and stood up. He slowly walked down the hallway to Meredith's room and pushed the door open. She was laying on the bed, facing the window. She wasn't snoring. She was completely quiet. He walked around and knelt beside the bed.

"I know it's stupid, but I had to see you. I can't sleep at night. I can't sleep at night unless I know that you're okay. I have to know that you really are alive." He said as he kissed her head softly.

"I know things are bad right now. None of this is your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm the one that screwed this up. And now I'm going to fix it. I love you too much to let this go on." He said softly. He looked at the tear that rolled down her cheek. Just as he suspected, she was awake. She didn't open her eyes. She couldn't.

"It's okay, Mer. It's okay." He said as he wiped her tear with his thumb. "I love you. Goodnight." He said as he kissed her on the head and walked out. Mark was standing in the kitchen dishing out his food.

"What's going on?" Mark asked as he glanced at the bedroom.

"You were right Mark. I have to do something about it." Derek said as he walked to the door. "See you later."

Derek walked quickly to his car. He was on a mission. He knew what he was doing. Things had to change. Things had to get easier. For him. For her. It wasn't what she wanted, but he didn't care. It was for the greater good.


	23. Plans

Derek drove home with a smile on his face. This had been the happiest he had been in a long time. He was going to set himself free tonight. We was going to go home, tell Kristy he wanted a divorce, and be free. He wasn't even sure what he was going to do afterward, but he didn't care. As long as he said his piece. As long as he made his feelings known. As they say, the truth will set you free. And the truth was, his marriage was over.

He knew that Meredith wanted him to try. But she didn't understand. She didn't know their relationship. She knew Kristy's side. She knew the side of a delusional woman who actually thought she could fix it. She had no idea. There was nothing to fix. His heart was with someone else. And without his heart, there was nothing to work with.

Derek pulled up into the driveway of his home. He hated this house. Kristy loved it. She loved it from the minute they walked in. He didn't care. He just needed a place to lay his head every once in awhile. But now he was caring. Now he was thinking about where he was going next. More importantly where he and Meredith were going.

He pulled off his shoes, and made his way up the stairs. He couldn't help but smile. There wouldn't be many more times that he would have to climb them. He was expecting Kristy to be in her usual position, reading a book with her bed side light on. She wasn't. She was asleep. Sound asleep.

"Perfect. Just perfect..." He muttered as he shook his head. Just his luck. Of course she would be sleeping.

Derek brushed his teeth, and washed his face. He quickly changed into his favorite pajama pants and Dartmouth t-shirt. As he laid down, he let out a sigh of relief. Not much longer. He looked over at Kristy, who was sleeping peacefully. Tomorrow. Tomorrow was the day.

Derek opened his eyes. It was early. He still had another hour to sleep. Kristy was still asleep. But he was wide awake. He jumped out of bed and climbed in the shower. This was a good day. A very good day. He dressed and ran downstairs. Looking in the refrigerator, he decided to make an omelet. Something different than the usual muesli.

"You made breakfast." Kristy said as she walked into their kitchen.

"I did." He said as he took a bite of his perfect omelet.

"You're smiling." She said as she poured coffee in her cup.

"I am." He said happily. "And you're not dressed." He said as he looked at her.

"I'm not going in." She said as she sat down. "Did you see Meredith yesterday?"

"Meredith, um...I- I'm sure she was around the hospital somewhere." Derek stammered. That was tearing his confidence down quickly.

"Oh. So you didn't see her?" She said as she took a sip of her sweet coffee. "I thought maybe she apologized." Kristy said frankly.

"For what?" Derek snapped.

"For cursing at us. I am really mad at her. She called me a bitch." Kristy said loudly.

"She didn't call you a bitch." He disagreed.

"She did. I heard her. She said it. She's the bitch." Kristy said angrily.

"Kris, she was drunk. Very drunk. I'm sure she not only didn't mean it, but she probably doesn't remember saying it." Derek explained.

"Whatever." Kristy spat. "I'm going to Peds. I'm off the surgical floor."

"Because of her?" Derek said with a chuckle.

"Because I want to go to Peds." She spat. "What the hell is with you?" Kristy said quickly. "You're up early. You made coffee. You made breakfast. And you haven't had a nightmare. You haven't woken up in a cold sweat in awhile. And you smile..."

"Kristy." Derek said as he looked up at her. "I want a divorce."

"What!" She shouted. "What do you mean, you want a divorce?"

"It's over." Derek said as he sipped his coffee.

"You sit there, sip your coffee and ask me for a fucking divorce with a smile on your face?" She said quickly.

"Well, I did ask. Now I'm telling... We are getting a divorce." Derek told her.

"No. No. We can fix this. We can make it work. I don't want a divorce." She said as the tears began to fall from her eyes.

"No, Kris. No we can't." He said sadly. It hurt, It actually hurt to see the pain in her eyes.

"But, Derek, I love you." She said softly as she walked around the table and tried to embrace him.

"No, Kris. Stop!" He said as he tensed up. "I don't. I'm so sorry. I don't love you. I never have." He said as he pulled away and stood up.

"There's another woman, isn't there?" She cried out. "You're fucking some whore. That's why you have that stupid ass grin. Well, she doesn't love you. She won't. Not like I do!" Kristy said as she threw her mug down. "You bastard!" She yelled.

"Kristy, calm down." Derek said as he looked at her.

"No! No I will not calm down! You ask me for a divorce. With a smile on your face. Then I accuse you of cheating, and you don't deny it!" She shouted as she threw his plate at his feet.

"Who is she Derek? Who? Do I know her?" She yelled. Derek just stared at her blankly. "How long? How long has this been going on? How long has she been fucking you? How long has she been on your mind?"

"I'm leaving." He said as he turned around. He quickly walked over and grabbed his suitcase that he had gotten ready.

"You packed? You prepared for this?" She shouted. "You asshole!" She yelled as she began grabbing dishes out of the cupboard and throwing them at him.

"Shit! Stop!" He said as he looked at her wild eyes.

"Fuck you!" She said as she whipped a plastic plate at his head hitting him squarely in the forehead. "That's what four years of throwing discus does, ass-wipe." She yelled. "Your mother's china is next!" She yelled.

Derek watched as she pulled out the china that had been in his family for as long as he could remember. It was worth it. It was worth the sacrifice. He shook his head as he tore ass out of their home.

"Derek! Please, I love you!" She yelled as she ran to the front door. Derek looked at her as he pulled out of the driveway.

"That could have gone better..." He muttered to himself.

It was worth it. All of that was worth it. The relief that came over him was amazing. He felt like a new man. A soon to be divorced new man. A man who was free to move on. To do what he wanted. To move on with the love of his life. He had never felt better.

Kristy walked into her house. Her broken down home. She knew they weren't ideal. But it worked. She loved him. She was going to fix him and they were going to live happily ever after. They were going to grow old together. Not now. She walked into the kitchen and began cleaning up her mess. As the tears fell, her wheels spun. There had to be a way to fix it.

----------------------

"Do you want to ride with me today?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Mark.

"No, I don't know when I'll be done. I have to work on a burn victim today." Mark said as he ate his toast. "You want some toast? I'm not hungry." He said as he pushed it away.

"Nope. I hate toast." She said with a shrug.

"You love toast." Mark said quickly. "Especially with strawberry preserves." He said as he held it out for her.

"Nope. Hate it." She said as she sipped her coffee.

"We'll, you need to eat something." He warned as he watched her.

"Okay, Dad." Meredith joked as she grabbed a yogurt.

"Oh, that will get you through the day." He laughed.

"It just needs to get me to the snack machine. I really want a Hershey's milk chocolate bar." She said with a smile.

"Chocolate for breakfast... Lola must be in town..." Mark said with a laugh. Meredith feigned shock.

"I don't think my menstrual cycle is your business!" She said quickly. She looked at him and shook her head. "And no, Lola isn't in town." She chuckled. "I haven't heard anyone say that in... fourteen years."

"You know why Derek used to say that, right?" Mark asked with a smirk.

"Yes... Because whatever Lola wants, Lola gets..." She said shaking her head in disgust as she thought back.

"Yep, and he feared Lola with his life. He did anything she wanted. Lola is the bitchy once a month you." Mark said with a chuckle. "So, if she's not in town... Please warn me when she is!" He shouted as she walked in her room. She turned as stuck her head out the door.

"I think you'll know..." She joked.

"You're right about that." He muttered under his breath. "Derek was here last night..." He said as she walked back out.

"I know." She said frankly. "I heard you guys talking."

"You did?" He asked, wondering just how much she had heard.

"I was awake. I don't think I fell asleep until one." She said with a sigh. "He came in. I didn't say anything. I just couldn't..." She muttered.

"I'm sure everything will be fine..." Mark said reassuringly.

"That's funny. That's more or less what he said." She said with a frown. "I just don't see how it can be, Mark. I don't see it..."

"Sometimes life has a way of surprising you." Mark said with a nod.

"Uh huh." She said as she opened the front door. "See you at the hospital." She said as she shut the door.

------------------

"Carter!" Aren't you supposed to be doing SCUT?" Meredith yelled as she saw him leaned against the wall, flirting with the sister of a patient. "If you'd rather, you can do rectal exams. You do seem to have a talent for them." She said with a smirk as she watched his face turn deep red.

"SCUT is fine with me, Dr. Grey." Danny said as he marched over to the pile of charts.

"Eastman, I heard there is a possible case in the pit. Can you go check it out?" She asked with a smile.

"Of course, Dr. Grey." She said with a smile as she marched off.

"Pierce-" Meredith said as she looked at a chart.

"Can I be with Dr. Shepherd?" Ellen squealed as she looked at the chart.

"Hmm, Dr. Shepherd, huh?" Meredith said with a smirk, knowing that Ellen was completely infatuated with Derek.

"Uh huh. I want to go into Neurology." She said with a smile.

"And I heard that you wanted to go into Cardio when you had a crush on Dr. de Gaulle..." Meredith said as she looked up. "And what about Plastics?"

"Um..." Ellen said slowly.

"Go ahead." She said as she rolled her eyes. "You do realize he's married, right?" Meredith asked quickly.

"That doesn't mean anything..." She said with a smirk. _I don't think so... If I can't have him... You can't have him, you little tart!_

"Shoot! Ellen?" Meredith shouted causing the intern to spin around.

"Yes, Dr. Grey?" She said with a frown.

"There's a patient in 4633 that needs his dressings changed. You need to do that..." Meredith said with a smirk. _What now, bitch? _

"Of course, Dr. Grey." She sighed as she walked away. Meredith leaned against the wall with a smirk on her face.

"Hey... Why are you smiling?" Derek asked as he walked up.

"Torturing interns..." She said as she looked over. "She has it bad. For you." She said with a chuckle.

"Ohhh..." He laughed as he looked at her. "That could be fun..." He said with a smirk.

"Seriously?" She said, taken aback.

"To tease her. Not that! There is only one..." He said as he looked up and down at her. "I need and intern." He said quickly.

"I was going to give her to you." Meredith said with a smirk. "But I'll let you have Weathers..."

"Okay, then." He said quickly as he started to walk away. "Have a good day." He said with a smile.

"You too." Meredith said with a smile.

Meredith frowned when she saw the quite board. For the first time in a long time, she didn't really have anything to do. She looked at Derek's name. He was in OR 2. That one had a gallery. She walked over to the snack machine, grabbed three Hershey bars and jogged upstairs. She smiled when she saw the empty room. She grabbed a seat and leaned back in her chair, feet on the wall.

Derek glanced up into the empty gallery. It was empty. Now it contained one person. Meredith. He looked up at her and smiled. He knew she couldn't see it because of the surgical mask. She seemed to know it was there, because she smiled back at him. He looked down at his patient and continued to work.

"Hey." Mark said as he sat down next to her.

"Hey." She said as she looked over. "What are you doing here?"

"My surgery is over. I saw you walk up here..." Mark answered.

"So you're stalking me?" She asked with a giggle.

"Oh yes, I stalk you. Yep, I stalk. Kinda funny that you let me move in with you. Me being a stalker, and all." He chuckled.

"I like that stalking. It makes me feel loved." She said with a smirk.

"You are deranged." He said with a smile.

"I know." She answered. "Chocolate?"

"Hell no." He said as he held his hand up. "Shit, Grey. You ate two?"

"Yep. This is my third. I like chocolate." She told him. "This is my lunch."

"I'm going to laugh when you look like you have chicken pox." He laughed.

"Then you will just have to bandage my face. We'll tell everyone I got a face lift... Add to the gossip..." She laughed.

"Sounds like a plan." He agreed. "So, I was thinking about going out for a drink after work. Want to come?"

"I don't think I'm ready for Joe's yet." She said as she looked over.

"Who said we have to go to Joe's? We'll go to the bar by Mercy, or Pres. We can sit in the corner and crack on those idiots." He said with a smirk.

"Now that is a plan. Sure, why not..." She agreed.

"One condition..." He said quickly.

"What's that?" She asked.

"No vodka." He laughed.

"I think that is a damn good condition." She said with a laugh. Mark smiled. Tonight would be great. Tonight will be just like the old days. The whole gang.

**This would have been up yesterday had I decided sooner to split the chapter into two. It is really long, and it's still not complete... So here is the first installment.**


	24. Surprise, Surprise

"The Mud Hole? We're going to a bar called the Mud Hole?" Meredith said in shock as Mark pulled into the parking lot.

"Apparently we are." He said with a chuckle as he took a spot in the back.

"No. I'm not drinking in a place called the Mud Hole. Watering Hole, now I can see that..." She said as she shook her head.

"Well, what happens when you mix water and dirt?" Mark asked quickly.

"Mud. Oh, I get it... So we're drinking with dirt bags?" Meredith said with a frown.

"Pretty much." He said with a laugh. "Come on... A long as the liquor isn't watered down, it'll work for me." He said with a wink.

"I guess you're right. I could just get a whole bottle of tequila and omit the dirty shot glasses..." She said with a shrug.

"Now you're talking." Mark said with a chuckle as they marched arm in arm to the hole in the wall.

Mark scanned the bar. It was actually a pretty nice place. The name may have been a total turn off, but it was definitely comparable to Joe's. There were dart boards, a few pool tables in the back and a full bar. It would work. And it was far away from Joe's. That made it all the sweeter.

"Mark!" Addison said as she walked over. She gasped when she saw Meredith on his arm. Meredith watched as she burst into tears.

"Oh my God, Addie!" Meredith said as she looked at the woman that she had been close to for all those years.

"You're-- You really are-" She said as she looked into Meredith's eyes. "Oh my God... I really can't believe it." She said as she shook her head in disbelief. "You have no idea how much I have missed you..." She said with a hug.

"I missed you too." Meredith said with a nod.

"So I'm chopped liver?" Mark asked with a smirk.

"Hey, she was dead for fourteen years!" Addison said as she grabbed her arm and led them to a table.

"An you didn't hear from me for fourteen years..." Mark said, feigning hurt.

"Jealous, much?" Meredith said with a laugh.

"Oh shut up, you big baby." Addison said with a laugh.

"I'll get the drinks... Addie, what'll it be?" He asked.

"Oh... a comso." She said with a smile.

"Oh god..." Meredith muttered, thinking of Kristy's favorite drink.

"What?" Addison asked quickly.

"Nothing." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"Lola, what do you want?" Mark asked with a chuckle.

"Lola's not in right now. Meredith will have the usual." Meredith said with a smile.

"But vodka is so much more fun." Mark laughed as he walked away.

"Not funny!" She said as she shook her head.

"Lola, huh?" Addison said with a laugh. "To think, fourteen years, and I get stuck with her..."

"She's not here. Mark's just screwing around because I wanted chocolate for breakfast." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"Meredith always wants chocolate." Addison said with a smirk.

"You know it..." Meredith said with a giggle.

"So, fourteen years... What have you been doing?" She asked.

"The usual. College, Med school, internship, residency." Meredith said with a shrug.

"That's it huh?" Addison said with a smile.

"Pretty much." Meredith said simply.

"No relationships?" She asked Meredith.

"No. I couldn't--" Meredith said flatly.

"But now... You and de Gaulle!" Addison said exuberantly.

"You've heard..." Meredith replied.

"Of course, I've heard! Many have tried, all have failed, except one. You!" Addison told her. "We were seriously wondering if he was gay. I mean, the top cardiothoracic surgeon in the world, and nothing. No women. But apparently he's not..."

"No. He's definitely not. He was just... Broken." Meredith said with a frown.

"Just like you." Addison added.

"Now how would you know that?" Meredith said as she raised her eyebrow.

"Oh, I think you know." Addison told her frankly. "So, tell me about him."

"He's a great guy. He really is. Amazing. He's talented, and sweet, and caring..." She trailed off.

"He's just not Derek." Addison said frankly.

"No. That he isn't." She said with a Mona Lisa smile. She looked up when Mark returned with the drinks.

"So, are we caught up here?" Mark said as he sat there drinks down.

"Pretty much." Meredith said with a laugh. "Except for that rock!" Meredith said as she grabbed Addison's hand.

"Yeah, I got married. Jim. He's a great guy." Addison said with a smile.

"So, how did you meet?" Meredith asked.

"Oh, it's really not that exciting. It was at a party. Mutual friends." She said with a smile. "So you and Mark, living together... Who would have thought?"

"Grey's a pain in the ass..." Mark said with a laugh.

"Oh, and you didn't know that before you moved in?" Addison said with a laugh.

"Hey! I'm feeling under attack here!" Meredith whined.

"Then maybe you need someone in your corner..." Derek said as he snuck up from behind. Meredith gasped as she felt his hand on her shoulder.

"Derek... I didn't know you'd be here." Meredith said in a happy, yet disappointed tone. He was just too hard to resist.

"And I didn't know you would be... Apparently we have sneaky friends." Derek said as he sat down next to her.

"Where's Kristy?" She asked softly.

"I need a scotch." Derek said as he jumped up from the table.

"You bastard." Meredith said as she glared at Mark.

"You know you're not disappointed..." He said with a smirk.

"It's not your decision. I was sabotaged." She said with a frown. "I-- I can't." She said as she started to stand.

"Grey, if you stand, I swear I will get up and hold you down." Mark warned. She looked at him and reluctantly sat back down. "That's what I thought..."

"So what are we talking about?" Derek said as he sat back down.

"Nothing." Meredith said quickly.

"Oh." Derek replied.

"So Kristy?" Meredith asked again.

"I assume she's at home." Derek said frankly. "Hell if I know." he said in a drop the subject tone.

"Oh." Meredith said, wondering why he was being so cold about it. "I think I'm going to need another shot..." Meredith said as she threw the second that Mark had gotten her back.

"I'll get that." Mark said, giving Addison the signal wink.

"Thanks." Meredith muttered as she played with a piece of paper on the table, folding and unfolding.

"I'll be right back." Addison said as she walked away. Mark threw Meredith's down shot and also walked away.

Derek and Meredith sat in an uncomfortable silence. It was awkward. She couldn't lie, she wanted to jump him. She wanted to drag him to her bed and never let him leave. She wanted to lock him in her closet, hog-tied, while she was at work, only to come home and have her way with him again. It was a passion. But it was tainted. It was forbidden. She couldn't do it.

"How did we get here?" Derek said sadly.

"I don't know, Derek. I don't know..." She said as she shook her head. "But, this is where we are. I guess now, we have to pick up the pieces, and move on. I- I don't know..."

"What if it hadn't happened?" Derek asked as his sad blue eyes met hers.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"What if there wasn't an accident?" He asked. "What if everything had gone the way to was supposed to go... Where would we be?" He questioned as he looked at her.

"I don't even know where we'd be. I don't want to know where we'd be... Because that's not what happened. We didn't make a life. We didn't move on. There was an accident. And I did- There was an accident, Derek. There's no way of knowing what we would have had." She said as she looked off into the distance.

"We would have had it, Meredith. We would have gotten married. We would have had kids. The house. The dog. You'd still be a doctor. I'd still be a doctor. But we'd be together. I'd come home to you at night after a long case...and all I'd want to is to have you in my arms. And even now, after a hard day, all I want is you in my arms..." She said as she looked into her green eyes.

"Derek, don't so this...please don't." She cried. "It's hard enough as it is. You think I don't want to be in your arms every night? You think I don't think about you every waking minute of my life? Every sleeping minute? It doesn't matter, I can't. She's my friend, Derek. I don't want to lose her, she's too nice of a person." Meredith explained.

"Well, what's more important? Your happiness or hers? My happiness or hers?" He spat.

"Derek, it's not like that and you know it! You're not even trying..." She said quickly.

"I am trying. Do you know how hard it is to try? Do you know how hard it is to lay next to somebody that you don't really love? Sure, I love her...I love her like a friend. I care for her... But I don't love her. I'm not in love with her! There is only one woman I am in love with, and she is sitting right across from me, right now. So yeah, I can try until I'm blue in the face. But at the end of the day, it's going to be you. It's always going to be you." He said frankly.

"Derek! Don't do this. Adrien, he's- He's a good guy. He's broken like I am. And it took him a long time...just like it took me. And I won't- I can't do that to him. He deserves better. Maybe we'll all be okay. Maybe five years down the road, you'll have kids. We'll all be friends, and we'll have cookouts." She said with a fake smile.

"No Meredith!" he shouted. "Five years down the road we're not going to be friends. We're not going to have cookouts, because I'm not going to be able to be in the same room with you and not want to fuck your brains out. And not want to take you home and hold you close. And not want to take you away, and hideaway from all this bullshit life that I've created for myself. Because I don't want to be here anymore. I want a life with you. Damn-it, Meredith! I want you!" He said loudly.

"I can't, Derek. I-- I can't...sorry." She said as she dropped her head.

"No! No..." He said as he tilted her chin up.

"Derek..." She moaned as she looked into his eyes.

"Meredith. I need you. When you died. When I thought you died... I died. Everything in my world ended. I felt dead inside. I couldn't breathe. I shut down. I couldn't go to the funeral. I couldn't take it. I couldn't stand the thought of you being placed in the ground forever. Everyday I felt sick thinking about it. About how I just left. I couldn't take it. I couldn't. I thought I was going crazy. I saw you everywhere. Everywhere. I smelled you. You were in the clouds. In my coffee. In the water. I always saw you. It was the need. The need to believe that you were alive. That day. The day that I saw you in the house... It was like that breath of air you take when you have been underwater too long. It brought life back into me. I had been dead, and you saved me..." He said as he tipped his head. "Don't let me die, Meredith. I'm here, and you can save me. Please don't let me die..." He said in almost a whisper. He watched as she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"I love you..." She said softly as she opened her eyes and looked into his.

Derek's eyes got wide. She said it. All that time, she hadn't said it. He told her several times and nothing. No response. She just told him she loved him. It was a big step. A leap even. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. She closed her eyes and leaned it. Their lips met in a moment of perfection. In a moment where they were transported. Away from boyfriends. Away from wives. Away from gossip. Away from scrutiny. It was that perfect place. Their place.

"I need a drink." She said breathlessly as she pulled away.

"And I can get you one." Derek said with a smirk.

"Wow... That was some kiss." Addison said with a big grin as she returned to the table.

"It was a mistake." Meredith said with a frown.

"It didn't look like a mistake..." Addison said as se sipped her drink.

"I- I-" Meredith stammered.

"You're Meredith and Derek. Meredith and Derek." Addison said quickly. "It's just... You're Meredith and Derek! It's just the way it is." Addison said warmly.

"And he's married. And I'm- And he's married." Meredith muttered as she looked at him at the bar. He flashed her a warm smile.

"Not because he wants to be. Meredith I saw him. He-- When we went to New Hampshire..." Addison said as she looked up at him.

"You went to New Hampshire?" Meredith said in shock.

"Uh huh. A couple of weeks ago. My idea. He was a mess, Mer. I mean it. Suicidal. He couldn't let go. So I told him we'd go to New Hampshire. We went to every cemetery in the area. We found a Meredith Grey..." Addison trailed off.

"My dad's mom..." Meredith said softly.

"He thought it was you. He collapsed. Mer, it killed him. He needs you like he needs oxygen. He needs you to breathe." Addison explained. "Kristy was a mistake. She was, don't think otherwise. Every night he laid in bed with her, he felt like he was cheating on you. You two were met to be. Just admit it."

"I hate you." Meredith said with a frown.

"You love me." Addison giggled. "Because I can make you see..."

"Here you go..." Derek said as he sat the drink down in front of Meredith.

"Thank you..." Meredith said with a smile.

"So, what are we talking about?" Derek asked as he sat down.

"Oh, nothing." Addison said with a wink. "Actually, I need to be getting home...I promised Jim I would be home before he want to bed." She said as she started to stand up.

"Already?" Meredith said with disappointment.

"Yep. Don't worry, we'll do this again." She said as she hugged Meredith softly. "I'm glad you're alive..." Addison whispered in her ear.

"Me to." Meredith agreed.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." She said with a wink as she walked off.

"And then there were three." Derek said as he looked up at her.

"More like two." Meredith said with a shrug.

"Where'd Mark go?" Derek said as he looked around.

"Off being a man-whore, I suppose." She said with a shrug. "Shit head was my ride home, too... Oh well, that's what a cab's for I guess. How about another round?" She asked as she raised her eyebrows. Derek nodded as he walked to the bar and back with their drinks. He sat down with a smile.

"You look great. Fourteen years, and you still look great." Derek said as he looked at her face.

"I wish I could say the same about you, old man." She said with a refreshing giggle.

"Old man? Old man! I'll show you old man..." He said with raised brows.

"Will you now?" She laughed. "Your old balls..."

"I don't have old balls!" He whined.

"Did you take your E.D. meds?" She asked with a laugh. "I had to laugh when Kristy said you had E.D..." Meredith laughed.

"I had to tell her that... The thought of- Let's not talk about her." He said with a nod.

"You look good, Derek. Even if you hair is thinning." She said quickly.

"My hair is not thinning! That's worse than old balls..." He joked as he looked down.

"Well, I have to say, I missed the hair." She said as she looked at it.

"My hair is wonderful. But your boobs, now they are looking a little saggy." He said with a smirk.

"Ass!" She spat.

"That too..." He said as he looked down.

"Not nice, Derek Michael!" She said as she shook her head.

"You're a perky as an eighteen year old. Untouched by time..." He said with a smile.

"Thank you." She said with a nod as she stared into his eyes.

"You're welcome." He said as he looked back into hers.

"I think I need to call a cab..." Meredith muttered as she took out her phone.

"Me too...let's share." Derek said quickly.

"You do live close." Meredith said with a nod.

"Actually, I'm staying at the Archfield." He said frankly.

"Oh..." She said with a nod. "We can still share a cab..." She said as she called. "Shouldn't be long." She said as she flipped her phone shut. Their eyes locked once again. "Not long at all..."

"That's good..." He said as he looked at her. "Long is good... But right now--" He muttered as he stared.

"I--" She said as she continued to stare. "Shit!" She said quickly as she looked away.

"What?" He asked as he tipped his head to the side.

"Stop! You can't..." She muttered.

"Can't what?" Derek asked with a smirk.

"That. You know what." She grumbled. "Cab..." She said as she looked up. Derek threw down several bills and followed her.

"Cab's not here." He said when they walked out.

"I needed air." She said as she stood on the sidewalk. "I want to." She said as she looked up.

"You want to what?" Derek asked with confusion.

"At least I didn't drink vodka. But-- Maybe I should of... At least I would have a good reason..." She said as she walked up and pressed her lips against him.

She moaned as he tongue slid into her mouth. Her fingers ran through his curly locks. She felt his hand grip her head. She ran her hand down his back and onto his ass. She rounded the curve of his body and rubbed his crotch.

"Damn..." He moaned as he felt her touch. "I need you..." They both looked up when they saw the cab pull up.

"The Archfield." Derek muttered to the driver, who nodded.

Derek looked over at Meredith. Her eyes were dark and sultry. She needed him. She wanted him. It was the sex cloud. But tonight it wasn't a sex cloud. It was a sex fog. She leaned over and tugged on his ear with her teeth and sucked the lobe.

"I want to fuck you..." She moaned into his ear.

She placed her lips on his and began kissing him deeply as she unbuttoned her jeans. She pulled away softly as she slid them down. She watched as Derek's eye got wide, but he remained silent. She ran her hand up and down, stroking his penis through his jeans. She smiled as she felt him grow hard, begging for relief from it's confinement.

"I want to fuck you, and I will..." She said in his ear.

Meredith unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, pulling his hard member through his boxers. She stuck her hand in his pocket, fishing a condom out of his wallet. He smiled as he watched her roll it on. He soft, petite hands grazing him gently. She slid her finger inside of her own panties and began stroking herself. Derek smiled when she pulled her glistening fingers out. He grabbed her hand a sucked her warm fluid off of her fingers. She moved her panties to the side and lowered herself onto his waiting cock.

"Oh..." He moaned as he felt her moist heat envelope him.

Meredith smiled as she stared into his dark eyes. She pumped her hips as the cab bounced along down the road. She moaned softly as she felt his long thick cock sliding in and out of her, rubbing against her clit.

"Shit...Oh God..." He whispered as he began to pulsate inside of her.

"Fuck..." She moaned as she picked up her pace pumping harder, grinding him.

"Oh...god..." He moaned as he felt her walls tighten around him.

"Shit...Oh..." She moaned as she released with a rush of warm fluid.

Derek's threw his head back as he felt her warm heat combine with the pulsating of her walls. He moaned as he released, He could feel her body quiver as she closed her eyes and paused. She looked over, realizing they were close. She quickly climbed off of him, and began pulling her jeans up. Derek zipped his jeans and looked over at her with a smile on his face.

"Here we go." The cab driver said as he pulled up in front of the hotel. Meredith smiled when she saw the grin on his face, and the major boner he had.

"I think we'll be staying here tonight." She said as Derek handed him a large wad of cash.

"Thanks!" He said as he looked at the bills.

"That was--" Derek said as they walked to the entrance,

"Amazing..." Meredith said quickly.

"I was going to say crazy. But amazing works too." He said as they rushed to the elevator.

"Open..." She moaned as she waited. She smiled when she looked over at him.

"I think you're ready for round two." She giggled.

"I think I am." He said as the doors opened revealing and empty elevator.

Derek grabbed her hand and dragged her inside. She quickly spun him around and threw him against the wall as she pressed her lips against hers. She moaned as she felt his tongue slide in and began dancing erotically with hers. He pushed her against the opposite wall as he ran his fingers through his hair. He felt her knee rub against him, causing him to gasp loudly.

They both looked up with wide eyes as the doors opened and an older couple walked on. The couple walked on slowly with faint smirks creeping up. They walked to the back and remained silent.

"He's my male escort..." Meredith said with a wink before the door opened for their floor.

"Mer!" Derek said in shock as he followed her off the elevator.

"Fine, don't be my escort..." She said, feigning hurt.

"561... " He said as he saw her walking aimlessly. She smiled as she stopped in front of the door. He pulled out his key card and slide it in.

"I need you..." She moaned as the door unlocked.

"Not as bad as I need you." He moaned as he opened the door.

"Nice room." She said as she looked around, sliding her shoes and socks off. He turned to face her, and she quickly jumped on him, wrapping her legs around his waist.

"Oh god..." She moaned as she felt his hard cock pressing against his jeans and her. It sent shivers up her spine. He quickly walked to the bed and laid her down on her back.

"Hurry..." She moaned as she watched him fumble with the button and zipper on her jeans. She lifted her hips as he slid them off and let them fall to the floor. He smiled when he saw the tiny black thong she had on. He hooked his index fingers around the tiny panties and slid them down, tossing them to the side. He softly kissed the tops of her feet, moving his way up her smooth legs, stopping at her inner thigh. She moaned as he pecked tiny kisses one each thigh, working his way up. She moaned as he spread her legs gently and exhaled his hot breath, just grazing her delicate flesh.

"Derek..." She moaned as she looked down. His eyes were dark as he looked up at her and smiled. She felt his tongue plunge inside of her, tasting her warm flesh, feeling the heat of her moist folds. She lifted her hips as he gently flicked her clit.

"Oh god..." She moaned as his touch. It had been so long since that part of her was awake like this. She was nearly over the edge and he had barely begun. She felt his tongue stroke her with long, even strokes. She moaned as she felt him begin doing figure of eights.

"Shit...I'm...I'm..." She moaned as she began gasping for air.

"Come for me, babe...come for me..." He moaned as he quickened his pace. She began thrusting her hips wildly.

"I'm...Oh god, Derek!" She shouted as her body tensed up causing a wave of heat to rush over her. She grasped the sheets and panted. Derek smiled as he began lapping up her hot, sweet fluid. Derek climbed up the bed and hovered over he body. He began kissing her neck softly and sucking on her collarbone. She rolled him over and straddled his jean clad penis. He watched as she peeled off her shirt, revealing her lacy bra. She unhooked it and tossed it aside as he pulled her down, nestling his face between her perfect breasts.

"Take off your pants..." She said softly as she rolled off of him and pulled him to his feet. He looked down as she fumbled with his jeans and he undid his shirt. Hist pants dropped to the floor along with his boxers. She quickly took his large cock in her soft hand, and began pumping furiously.

"Fuck, Mer..." He moaned at her touch. She smiled as she dropped to her knees and looked at his gigantic penis right in her face. She wrapped her hand around him and continued pumping as she flicked it's head with her tongue, she gently licked off the droplets of pre-cum and began tracing his large vein with her tongue. He moaned as he felt her warm mouth surround him. She began sucking hard as she ran her lips up and down him.

"Oh god..." He moaned as he felt himself begin to pulsate. "Fuck...Oh..." He moaned as he felt himself hit the back of her throat. He held her head with his hand as he began thrusting in and out of her tiny mouth, his cock stretching her lips to the maximum. "Oh..." He moaned as the heat began to build. "I'm... I'm going to..." He said as he looked at her approving eyes. She began to suck harder as she felt him near the edge. He released with a grunt into her tiny mouth. He stood there, his cock pulsating in her. He pulled out and she wiped the ample cum that was running out of her mouth.

"Holy fucking shit..." He moaned as he looked down at her. She smiled as she rose to her feet and placed her mouth in his.

"I need to be inside of you..." He moaned as she kissed his neck.

"I need you inside of me..." She said with a sultry look in her eyes. He spun her around and laid her back on the bed. "Condom..." She moaned softly.

"Shit." He said as he looked up.

"What?" She asked.

"That was the only one I had." He said with a frown.

"Then I suggest you get your ass in gear before I change my mind." He said firmly.

"Yes, ma'am." He said as he jumped up, threw on a pair of jeans and ran out the door. She laid her head back and sighed. It was wrong. But it felt so good.

_What the hell are you doing? You're playing with fire. Sure, it's fun, but eventually you'll get burned. You'll get burned and then you'll run off like your ass is on fire... And it will be. You'll be lucky if you get out of this without a knife in your back... He loves me. I love him. For once, I just need to be selfish. I need to... Just stop thinking. Thinking sucks. Acting...so much better._

Meredith laid there in the clean white sheets. At least it wasn't some seedy motel. It was the Archfield. _At least I'm a whore with class..._ She closed her eyes and felt the cold white sheets press against her naked flesh. She opened her eyes when she heard Derek open the door and run in with a handful of condoms like a horny teenager.

"Do you think we'll need all those?" She said with a giggle as he threw them down on the table.

"I was hoping so." Derek said with a smirk as he looked at her perfect body.

"You have very wishful thinking..." She said as she sat up and unbuttoned his jeans.

"And that's a bad thing?" He asked as she slid the zipper down.

"I never said that..." She answered as she slid his boxers down to the floor. "Step out." She said as she watched him kick them to the side.

She stood up and placed her hands on his strong chest. She laid her head on his chest, her arms reaching around his back. Derek felt her warm breasts pushed against his chest. He hands slid down his back and ran down his ass.

"I do..." She muttered. "I do love you..." She whispered into his chest.

"I love you too." He said as he kissed her head. He gasped when he felt her hand graze his erect penis. She leaned over to the bedside table and ripped open one of the packages, rolling it on. Derek looked into her eyes and softly laid her back on the bed. She moaned as he hovered her and placed his mouth on hers, kissing her deeply. She felt the head of her penis, graze her, nearly sending her over the edge.

"Come on, Der..." She moaned as she felt his head begin to penetrate. "Do it..."

"Do what?" He asked with a smile.

"Come on..." She moaned as she thrust her hips upward at him.

"Impatient..." He said with a chuckle.

"Now." She said firmly.

"Demanding..." He said with a smirk as he rubbed against her.

"Please?" She whispered.

"As you wish..." He said as he spread her legs and thrust upward into her.

"Oh God..." She moaned as she felt his thick cock in her tight space.

"Damn you're tight." He moaned as he paused. Their eyes connected as he pulled in and out. Thrust in and out.

"Harder." She said as she wrapped her leg around his body. She pumped, reflecting his quickening rhythm. She spread her legs as far she she could as he pushed harder inside with a moan.

"Oh god..." He moaned as he looked at her closed eyes. The look on her face, made everything feel right. Perfect.

"Oh god...Derek...oh..." She moaned as she felt his hard member begin to pulsate inside her warm walls.

"Shit...Oh, God, Mer..." He grunted as he pumped into her again, feeling her heated core. Feeling her walls clamp tight. Their flesh pressing against each other.

"I'm...shit...Oh god..." She moaned as he warm fluid rushed around his cock.

"Fuck...Oh..." He moaned as he released his hot fluid, feeling her heat around him

He collapsed onto her chest and laid his head down. He listened to to rapidly beating heart. He grinned at the sight of her relaxed, content face. He slowly pulled out, holding the condom, and rolled onto his back. She rolled over and laid her chin on his chest and stared into his eyes. He looked down at her. He couldn't lie anymore.

_[ii've been waiting_

_i've been waiting for this moment all my life_

_but it's not quite right_

_and this 'real'_

_it's impossible if possible_

_at who's blind word_

_so clear but so unheard[/i_

"I missed you." She said as she looked up into his eyes. She breathed in his scent. It was the perfect mix of man. What a man should smell like. Not some cheap aftershave or cologne.

"Missing you...that's an understatement." He said with a smile as he rubbed her soft back.

_[ii've been waiting_

_i've been waiting for this silence all night long_

_it's just a matter of time_

_to appear sad_

_with the same 'ol decent lazy eye_

_fixed to rest on you_

_aim free and so untrue[/i_

"I thought about you everyday." She said sadly. "Even when I didn't want to. I hated you. But I thought about you." She said as she rubbed his chest. "I thought about what you were doing. Whether you were married. Had kids. I hoped you were happy. Not really. On the bad days, I hope you hated yourself and hated life... But I missed you even then."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were hurting, I'm sorry you hated me..." He said with a frown.

_[ieveryone's so intimately rearranged_

_everyone can focus clearly with such shine_

_everyone's so intimately rearranged_

_everyone can focus clearly with that shine[/i_

[i_You have to tell her. You have to tell her about the divorce. You can't lie. So much time had been wasted. You can't waste anymore. Things have to move forward. or backward. But they have to move. You can't lie to her. She needs to know you aren't using her. That she isn't a whore you're going to throw away.[/i _

_[ilocked and loaded_

_still the same 'ol decent lazy eye_

_straight through your gaze_

_that's why i said i relate_

_i said we relate_

_it's so fun to relate_

_it's the room the sun and the sky_

_it's the room the sun and the sky_

_i've been waiting_

_i've been waiting for this moment... [/i_

"I love you." She said again softly.

"I love you too." Derek agreed as he rubbed her arm. He laid there in a guilty silence. "Mer?" He said softly as they looked at each other.

"Hmm?" She asked softly.

"I asked Kristy for a divorce. Kristy and I... We're getting a divorce." He told her.

"What?" She said as she sat up, wrapping the sheet around her. "You promised!" She said as she stood up.

"I promised I'd try. I did." He told her frankly as he watched her rush around the room.

"And you didn't." She said as she grabbed her panties. "You didn't try!"

"What are you doing?" Derek asked as he watched her.

"Leaving. I'm leaving." She said in a panic.

"No!" He shouted as he jumped up and stood in front of her. "You can leave. But not until you listen." He said as he grabbed her shoulders. She took a deep breath.

"I'm listening." She muttered as she looked at the floor. He tipped her chin up.

"I am done trying--" He started.

"You promised you'd try. What the hell am I doing? I ruined your marriage. I ruin everything..." She said as the tears began to fall.

"No, Mer. This doesn't get to be on you. You don't get this. My marriage... It's over because of me. Because I married someone I didn't love. I love you, yes. And I would do anything for you... But to say I am ending my marriage solely because of you is insane. It was over before it began. Kristy, she's a fixer. You know that. That's the only reason she was with me. Because she thought she could fix me. But she can't. She can't because I am now. Because of you. My marriage has to end. For me and you, it has to end. But for her. It needs to end for her more. She doesn't know it yet, but she could be happy. She has been so worried about fixing, she's never experienced love. Not like we have. I am pushing her away. She needs to be happy. She deserves it. So no, Mer, this isn't on you. I am doing this for everyone." He said as he wiped her tear.

"So you can be mad at me, but this is the way it is." He told her. "And no matter how mad you are... I love you. I will. And I hope you get over it." He said as he cocked his head. She let out a deep breath.

"Okay..." She said softly.

"Okay?" He asked again.

"Okay." She agreed as she led him to the bed. "I just want you to hold me." She said as she pulled him close. "Sex later. Hold now." She muttered as she pulled her naked body against hers.

"Okay." He agreed as he wrapped his arms around her.

------------------

"Hey, man..." Mark slurred slightly as he walked up to Meredith's apartment.

"Mark..." Adrien said as he looked at him. "I haven't got a key. She's not home. Have you seen her?" He said as he pointed to the door.

"Oh, Meredith... She's not here?" He asked with a scrunched face. [i_She should be home by now. She went with Derek. Holy shit...he actually lured her in.[/i _

"I think she went home with some random guy..." Mark said quickly. He watched Adrien get a look of shock on his face.

"What?" Adrien replied. He stomach began to flop. Surely his intestines were at risk of becoming necrotic.

"I'm kidding!" Mark said as he slapped him on the back. "We all went out for a drink. I left her with a mutual friend. She and Addie have known each other forever. She probably just crashed at her house." [i_Or she could have went home with a guy... Just not a random one...[/i_

"Oh. I tried to call. She didn't answer." Adrien said as he looked down at his cellphone. He passed the bag of her favorite takeout from one arm to the other.

"She probably passed out." Mark said with a snort. "Are you staying here tonight?" He asked as they walked in the kitchen.

"I suppose I will." He said with a shrug as he pulled the food out of the bag and placed it on the counter. "Help yourself." He said as he pointed to the food.

"May help soak up the scotch..." Mark said as he grabbed a plate. The both filled their plates and sat down at the kitchen table. Mark watched Adrien eat slowly. He had a concerned look on his face.

"I'm sure she's fine." Mark said as he took a bite of steak.

"She's not answering. She always answers." Adrien said as he sat his phone down on the table.

"Addison is like her big sister. She won't let anything happen to her." Mark said with a nod. "She's probably sleeping." [i_Or having a major orgasm.[/i_

"I'm sure you're right." Adrien said as he continued to eat. "She would call... Addison, she would call you if something was wrong?" He asked.

"Dude! She's fine." Mark spat curtly, getting annoyed by his unnecessary worry.

"I'm going to take a quick shower. I'm quite tired." Adrien said as he dumped his full plate in the trash and walked away. Mark watched him with a sad face. He actually felt sorry for him. Meredith was out having a good time, no doubt. And this guy was worried that she was laying dead in an alley. This was going to be harder than he thought.

Adrien threw on his pajama pants and laid down in Meredith's bed. He pulled her pillow over and took a deep breath. He lavender perfume enveloped his senses as he closed his eyes. He couldn't help but worry. She hadn't even told him she was going on. She hadn't talked to him since the hospital. He looked over at his phone one last time. No message. And no sleep tonight.

------------------

Meredith opened her eyes, looking into the dark room. It was unfamiliar. But the arms that were wrapped around her, they were very familiar. She remembered that she wasn't at home. She was at the Archfield. She was with Derek. It felt so perfect and comfortable in his arms. She looked over at him as he slept peacefully. She looked over at the bedside table.

Meredith ran her hands over his warm, solid chest. She watched as he stirred gently. He opened his eyes when he felt her lips pecking tiny kisses on him.

"Mmm..." He moaned as he looked down at her.

"Are you rested up?" She asked as she kissed his hip.

"I am. And you?" He asked as he looked down.

"I am." She said with a nod.

She ran the tip of her finger down his thick shaft, watching it react to her touch. She ran her tongue along him and flicked it's head gently. She smiled as she sat up and grabbed a condom off of the table. Ripping it open, she rolled it on, and looked into his eyes. Her lips crashed with his. He felt her warm body and tender breasts lay on his chest. In one quickly motion, he rolled her over onto her back.

Derek hovered over her and took her nipple into his mouth, teasing the soft flesh into a hardened peak. Swirling around the soft tissue, his tongue traveled across her crease, not forgetting her other perfect breast. He ran his mouth down her abdomen and gently mouthed her navel, she sucked her stomach in at the sensation. His hand feathered over her soft feminine mound, before her began kissing her inner thighs. She raised herself off the bed as she felt his hot breath on her. Derek looked up at her and smiled as he ran his tongue along her hip. His tongue travelled back up her abdomen and between her breasts.

"Mer..." He moaned as he came up and kissed her softly. She smiled as she ran her hand down his back

"I need you..." She muttered softly. "Please." She moaned as she spread her legs and wrapped them around him.

Derek could feel her heat building. He could almost feel the desire. He pressed his body against her. She looked into his eyes, begging him to thrust himself into her. He couldn't take it. He had to. He needed her.

"Please..." She moaned as she ran her hand down and feathered herself.

He gently pulled her hand away as he thrust himself into her hard. She cried out as his long, thick cock penetrated deep inside, filling her tight space. He paused as he looked into her eyes. A soft smile played upon her lips as she felt them as mesh as one.

"Derek..." She muttered as she ran her hands along his back. "Oh god...Derek." A smile formed as he thrust into her. Pleasure and desire took over, leaving all rational thought behind. He pulled out and then pounded back in, watching her close her eyes in pleasure.

"Harder...Derek." She demanded. He moaned as she felt him pull and push. His cock starting to pulsate inside of her. Everything they ever felt was building. Growing. Getting stronger.

"Oh god...Mer...oh god..." He moaned as he felt her begin to tighten around her. They meshed so perfectly. It felt so right.

"Harder...deeper..." She moaned as he thrust harder and harder.

"Oh...God...I'm..." He moaned as he felt his orgasm taking over, feeling her tighten her muscles around him, clamping down. He felt himself release in pure pleasure.

"Derek...I...oh...wow..." She moaned as her eyes fluttered as spasms took over her body.

Meredith felt herself release as she laid back, letting everything wash over her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Laying there for several minutes, she finally opened them and look over. Derek had tears in his eyes as he looked at her.

"What?" She asked with a concerned face.

"I'm so sorry..." He said as he looked at her.

"For what, Der?" She said as she started to panic.

"This..." He said as he ran his finger across the scar on her chest, and then the one on her abdomen, the ones on her legs and the one on her head.

"Derek..." She said as she ran her hand across his face.

"I hurt you." He said softly.

"No, you didn't. You. Did not. The truck did." She said as she looked into his eyes.

"You hurt everyday." He said simply. "You feel pain everyday..."

"I do." She agreed. "But you make me better. You make me feel better."

"I do?" He asked.

"You do. You keep my mind off the pain." She said with a sigh. "All of the pain..."

------------------

"I like waking up in your arms." Meredith said as she rolled onto Derek's warm body.

"As do I..." He said as he kissed her chin. "Are you hungry?" He asked softly.

"Are you kidding?" She said with a giggle. "I think I worked up quite an appetite."

"Yes, I think you probably did." He said as she rolled back off of him. "French toast? I hear it is amazing."

"Mmm, and waffles. Belgian waffles with strawberries..." She said with a smile. "And ham, or bacon. Or both." She said with a giggle.

"You are hungry..." He said with a smirk.

"And ycuk. I need to take a shower." Meredith moaned as she felt the dried sweat on her skin.

"You take a shower, and I will order breakfast." He said with a grin.

"Sounds like a plan." She told him as she stood. "Don't you have to be at the hospital?" She asked as she looked up at the clock.

"Nope." He said as he sat up and grabbed the phone. "I postponed my surgery."

"You postponed? Why the hell would you do that?" She said as she put her hands on her bare hips. That was not something she did. Around everyone else she would cover herself. But in front of him, she felt completely comfortable.

"This is more important." He told her frankly.

"Oh yes. More important than saving a life?" She asked with a huff.

"It could wait. I rescheduled it for tomorrow morning..." He told her as he dialed.

"Okay..." She muttered as she walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

Derek ordered the food and then stared at the bathroom door with and dirty grin on his face. He quickly sprung out of the bed and opened the door. He smiled as he saw the steam filled room, and her naked silhouette in the shower. He opened the door and stepped in.

"Hey..." She said with a smiled as she looked at him.

"Hey..." He managed to spit out as he watched the water trickle down her body.

"Shouldn't you be waiting for our breakfast?" She asked with raised eyebrows.

"This is so much more fun..." He said as he ran his hands down her wet body.

"Maybe...but if they leave with our food...I will hurt you." She warned with an evil grin.

"Don't worry about that." He said as he kissed her shoulder. "Besides, I like the hurting." He said as he ran his hands down her back and on her firm ass.

"It won't be that kind of hurting." She said as she squeezed his ass firmly.

"No?" Derek asked as he pushed her against the wall.

"No." She said as she wrapped her leg around him, pulling him close. She moaned as he cock touched her.

"Hmm. Well, then. I guess I should go." He said as he pulled away.

"Get over here!" She said as she pulled him back over and spun him around.

"Why?" He asked as he tipped his head.

"So I can do this..." She said as she rubbed her leg against him, watching him react.

"Oh... That's good. That's a good thing..." He moaned as she wrapped her legs around him. She felt his awaiting cock press against her.

"So is this better than surgery?" She asked with a giggle.

"Definitely." He said with a nod. They both looked up when they heard a loud knock on the door.

"Shit! That was fast." Derek moaned.

"Go...I'm hungry. We can do this later..." She said with a smile.

"I will hold you to that." He said as he jumped out of the shower and put a robe on. He quickly rushed to the door, heading Meredith's warning. His mouth dropped as he looked up.

**I've been busy. So sorry the updates haven't bee done everyday!**


	25. Ruining the Mood

"Kristy. What the hell are you doing here?" He asked in shock as he looked up at her. She had to leave. He had to get her out of there and fast.

"You didn't come home." She said with her hand on her hip and a frown on her lips.

"Well, no. No, I didn't. We're getting divorced, Kristy." Derek reminded her as he looked into her eyes. "As in the end of our marriage."

"About that... Derek, I'm really sorry." She said as she dropped her eyes to the floor. "We can fix it. Whatever is going on, we can fix it. Forgive and forget." She told him as her blue eyes met his.

"No, Kristy. We can't. I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry that I wasted three years of your life. I really am. But it's time." He told her firmly. He watched as the tears began to pool in her eyes.

"Derek... I can change. I can be like her." Kristy pleaded as she looked at the floor. "I can. Just tell me what to do." It made him sick. There was nothing she could do to to be Meredith. There was only one. And she was his. No matter what he had to do.

"It's not like that, Kris. You shouldn't have to change for anyone. That's what this is about. Give it some time. You'll realize how much time you wasted with me." Derek told her softly. He looked up at her. She looked so sad. But it was better this way. He didn't want to suffer anymore. And he knew if he initiated. If he pushed her, eventually, she'd fly away.

"You need to go..." He told her quickly, realizing Meredith would be coming out of the shower soon. He could only imagine what would happen if they met. The hurt that would spread throughout the room. He looked down to see the room service cart coming his way.

"Good morning, Sir." He said as he approached the door.

"Good morning." Derek said as he handed him a large tip and took the cart.

"Thank you, sir." He said with a big grin as he walked away.

"So what do we have here... Holy shit!" Kristy said as she lifted the covers. "That bitch is here! She stayed here? You had her here with you last night?" She shouted as she looked in the room. The sheets where on the floor, pillows everywhere.

"Kristy, please leave." Derek said as he looked at her. His eyes pleaded with hers.

"I will leave when I'm good and fucking ready! Where is she? Where is the whore that's fucking my husband?" She shouted loudly. "You bitch! Come out here!" She yelled, causing a few people down the hall to look.

"Not now, Kris." Derek said as he looked at her. "This is not the place. Not the time."

"What kind of person fucks someone else's husband?" She said as she started to cry. She peeked into the room, seeing clothes all over the floor. She looked at the jeans in a pile. A bra on the sofa. He thong on the floor.

"God, Derek! How could you? You of all people. I thought you were a good guy. You don't do this. You--" She cried. "You bastard!" She said as she slapped him across the cheek. "I hate you!" She cried as she looked in the room in disbelief.

"Is there a problem here, sir?" A security guard said as he marched up.

"I think Ms. Samson was just leaving." Derek stated as he looked at her. He said Ms. purposely. She caught it and her eye filled with fire.

"I hate you..." She muttered as she wiped her tears in her sleeve and walked off. "You're a cheating bastard."

"Sorry." Derek muttered to the guard.

"No problem. I'll make sure she leaves." He said as he followed her down the hallway.

Derek wheeled the cart into the room. His stomach was rolling. This was really bad. If Kristy found out that it was Meredith, she would make her life hell. They would never be able to be happy. Meredith's guilt would take her over. She would be miserable. He didn't think she would take it like that. But he also didn't think she'd find out. He looked up as he watched Meredith walk out of the bathroom with a fluffy white robe on.

"I heard yelling, what's going on?" She asked as she walked up to the table.

"The neighbors were fighting. The security guard came up." Derek said as he uncovered their food.

"Oh." Meredith said with a frown. "That's not good."

"It wasn't. Not at all." Derek replied as they began to eat. He felt sick. Nauseous. He lied. He had never lied to her, and he just did. He didn't know how long he could do it. They had promised that they would never lie. And now he had.

--------------------

Meredith called into work. Yes, called in. She never did that. Meredith Grey did not take sick days. She worked. Even when her body screamed, she worked. Not today. Today she called off. She was tired. Tired didn't even begin to cover it. Exhausted. Physically exhausted. Her legs had been stretched in ways that they hadn't in a long time. Her back hurt. Her hips hurt. And she hurt. Yes, he did it. He had pounded her to death.

Meredith fumbled with her keys and walked into the empty apartment. It was perfectly peaceful. She had good plans for the day. Lay in her pajamas on the sofa and watch t.v. She never did that. But today was that day. She took a long hot bath, soaking her body, and pulled on her favorite soft pajamas. She laid on the sofa with a throw and a pillow. The t.v. went on, and her brain went off. Eyes closed. She was out.

"Mer..." Mark said softly as he shook her awake.

"Go away..." She moaned as she covered her head.

"You need to go to bed. That sofa will kill you..." He said quietly.

"Can't. Don't care. Tired." She said as she rolled over.

"Tired from a long night of sex with a certain neurosurgeon?" He asked quickly.

"Seriously... Go away." She said as she covered her head with the pillow.

"I am helping you out here." He told her frankly.

"I can't get up." She muttered as she opened her eyes.

"You'll fall right back to sleep..." He reassured.

"No. I physically can't get up." She told him. "Just leave me."

"I can carry you." He said as he picked her up. A faint smile played on her lips as he carried her to the bedroom. He pulled the blankets back.

"That must have been some wild sex..." He said with a smirk.

"Seriously. Do you want to know? Okay... I am a filthy whore. I tried to resist. It didn't work. And now, I'm not even trying." She said as she rolled her eyes.

"Okay... Acceptance is good." He said with a chuckle.

"So you're saying this is okay? Being a whore? Cheating?" She asked in disbelief.

"No. But this is--- It's different, Mer." He said with a smile. "It's you and Derek."

"No, Mark. It's really not." She told him. "He's cheating on Kristy. I'm cheating on Adrien. It's bullshit." She muttered. "And I have to stop..."

"But you can't..." He added.

"Precisely..." She said with a sigh. "I'm addicted. Addicted to the man-candy."

"So what about Adrien?" Mark asked with a raised brow.

"Do you have to make things worse? Do you set out to make a bigger stink?" She asked angrily.

"No... Well... I just like to point things out." He told her as he laid back on the bed. "I am stinky..." He laughed.

"Thanks for that." She answered as she looked at the ceiling.

"So really... What are you going to do? The dude is head over heels for you." Mark pointed out. "He had dinner with him last night. Angelo's, your favorite... It was sad. Well, more pathetic..."

"There you go again." She huffed. "I-- I don't know what to do. The obvious thing is to break up with him. But I can't. For some reason, I can't."

"Oh Mer... Well, what would have happened? If Derek didn't come back, what would have happened between you two..." He asked as he looked over.

"I don't know... I do. I do know, I guess. He takes care of me. I can count on him to always be there. And if Derek hadn't come back... I-- We-- I can't. Not yet." She said with a sigh as she closed her eyes.

"Things can't stay this way. They can't stay in limbo. You have to choose." He told her.

"I know. But-- I'm afraid. What if... He could leave. And then I would have no one." She said as the tears began to slide down her cheeks.

"He would never leave you." Mark told her frankly.

"In my heart, I know that. But my head. My head is convinced otherwise." She said sadly.

"Your heart is always right, Mer. Listen to that. This up here is crazy." He said as he pointed to her head. "It never turns off... And it is paranoid."

"I need to know... I need to know what I am doing is right." She said with a sigh.

"Well, you won't know that until the doing is done." He told her. She nodded her head. She looked over at her vibrating cellphone. Kristy. She sent it straight to voicemail. Not now. No Kristy. No Adrien. She couldn't do it right now.

------------------

Meredith stepped onto the elevator at Seattle Grace. Adrien had tried calling several time the night before. And Kristy finally gave up after midnight. She didn't want to avoid. She knew that it was best to be straighforward. But how? How do you damage so many people? How do you change the course of lives? How do you change the way theu think and feel? And so, it was a personal struggle.

"Hey..." Derek said as he pushed his hand in the door and walked on.

"Hey." She muttered as she looked at the florr. He was slightly taken aback at her withdrawn state.

"So..." He said as he walked over and kissed her on the cheek. "Good morning."

"You can't do that. You can't-- Damn-it!" She muttered as she looked up. "This is-" She started when the elevator came to a jerking halt. "Shit!"

"Oh no...now what shall we do?" He asked with a chuckle.

"We- We do nothing." She said with a frwon. "I couldn't sleep. Partially because my legs couldn't go together... Thanks for that, by the way. And because I am a whore. I feel filthy. And I- This is..."

"A mess." He agreed as he looked up.

"Yes." She said with a sigh.

Derek stood there looking at the floor. He couldn't sleep last night either. But his was for an entirely different reason. Not because of Kristy. Hell, he didn't care if she knew. He was hoping it would get it into her head. No, he couldn't sleep because he had lied. He had lied to Meredith. He had never done it, and it killed him. He promised he never would, and he broke his promise. He looked up at her and finally spoke.

"I have to tell you something..." He said as looked into her green eyes. At least she was trapped. She couldn't run. Not now.

"What..." She said, reading into the concern that was plastered on his face.

"I lied." He said as his eyes took on a saddened shade of blue.

"You lied?" She said as her face dropped.

"To you. I lied." He said sadly. "Yesterday..."

"You lied to me..." She said in disbelief.

"Yesterday, when you heard the fighting at the hotel... It wasn't next door. It was Kristy. She found out where I was staying. She figured out that you were there. Well, not you. Someone. She figured out that someone was there with me." He said letting all of the air out of his lungs.

"What?" Meredith said in a panic.

"I'm sorry I lied. I just- I knew that if I told you... I knew it would ruin what we had. It would ruin the perfect night..." Derek said sadly.

"The perfect night of adulterous sex?" She shouted as the tears began to fall.

"Meredith... It wasn't like that." Derek said sadly. "And you know it!"

"She's going to find out. Damn-it!" She said as she hit the wall with her fist. Derek looked at her with wide-eyes. "It's just a matter of time. Then-- You'll leave. Adrien will-" She started to struggle to breathe. She looked up as the elevator started to move. "Why? Why lie?" She cired as she the bell dinged as she rann off.

"Mer..." He shouted. She didn't turn around as she ran off.

Derek ran his hand through his thick curls. I could have gone better. A lot better. But it didn't. And no matter what, he knew it was the right thing. And hopefully she would understand that. He couldn't hold the lie in. It would eat him up. That would have festered inside of him. He had promised, and he didn't want to break that promise.

"Hey..." Adrien said as he walked up to Derek.

"Oh, hey." Derek said as he glanced up. Now he could deal. He could look at him with a straight face because Meredith was his. From day one she was his, period.

"How are things?" Adrien said as he looked up at Derek.

"Good, very good." Derek answered with nothing better to say.

"How's Kristy?" Adrien questioned. "I haven't seen her in a few days..."

"I wouldn't know. We're getting divorced. I haven't been home in a few days." Derek said matter of fact-ly.

"Oh... I'm so sorry." Adrien said in complete and utter shock.

"Don't be. It's for the best." Derek muttered as he grabbed a chart.

"Can I ask why?" Adrien asked frankly.

"I'm in love with someone else." Derek said quickly. "And I have a patient. Have a good day..."

"You too." Adrien said as he watched him walk off. He stood there in shock, he couldn't believe it.

Meredith stood in the doorway and watched Derek and Adrien talk. She couldn't believe that Derek could be so at ease. He looked like he didn't have a care in the world. She sighed as she looked at the two men. One she loved more than anything in the world. The other she cared about more than anyone would ever understand. And now, she had a mess.

"Hey..." She said as she walked up to Adrien.

"Hello, there." He said as he kissed her softly.

"Derek's getting divorced." Adrien spat out, still in shock.

"Really?" Meredith feigns surprise. "Why?"

"It was strange. He said that he was in love with someone else. I wonder who." Adrien said as he looked around.

"I don't know..." Meredith said as he stomach knotted over and over again.

"I'm really surprised that Kristy hasn't said anything to you." Adrien said as he looked into her eyes.

"Yeah..." Meredith muttered as she looked up. She grabbed her stomach.

"You okay?" He asked as he put his hand on her back.

"I--" She said as she pulled the trash can over and retched.

"Mer..." He said as he rubbed her back.

"I'm okay..." She said as she wiped her mouth.

"Maybe you should go home." He said softly.

"No. I'm okay. Really, I'm fine." She said as she looked into his eyes.

"You don't look it." He said frankly. "Why don't you go get some crackers..."

"Maybe I will." She said with a smile as she started to turn away.

"Good. I'll see you in OR 3." He said as he kissed her softly and walked away.

"Okay..." She said as she walked away with her hand on her stomach. It would be so much easier if Adrien was a jerk.

Meredith trudged down the stairs. She didn't want to take the elevator. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She was even avoiding her interns. It was all building, and it felt like everyone knew what she was doing in her spare time.

She looked down the stairwell, seeing it empty. She sighed as she sat down on the step. Head in hands she began to cry. At first is was a tear. A single tear. Then she let it go. Her body shook. The tears fell hard. It was all there. All her emotions bubbled to the top. Derek. Adrien. Kristy. Derek. Adrien. Kristy.

"Are you okay?" Dina Eastman said as she sat down next to her. Meredith gasped as she looked up. Her red eyes looked into Dina's.

"I'm fine..." She said softly.

"Dr. Grey... Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be fine." Dina told her as she rubbed her back.

Meredith looked at her and dropped her head. She was vulnerable. She was in the position to be devoured. To be the laughing stock of Seattle Grace. But something about Dina made her feel okay.

"How? How will it be fine?" She muttered as she dropped her head. She didn't hear the loud footsteps behind her.

"Dr. Grey..." Derek said as he looked down at her. He looked at Dina, who had an I have-no-idea-what-is-going-on look on her face. He looked at her and nodded for her to go. She smiled as she stood and walked out the nearest door.

"Mer..." He said as he sat down.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being pulled in every direction." She said with a deep sigh.

"It's okay." He told her.

"No. No it's not. And I don't know how it can be..." She said as she stood up, holding her stomach. "It's... Wow..." She muttered as she walked down the stairs.

"Mer..." He said as he watched her walk off without a pause.

---------------------

Derek laid back on his bed at the Archfield. He was working as late as he could. He didn't have anyone to come home to. Meredith. She's the one that he wanted to come home to. But after the episode in the stairwell, he decided to let her stew. He knew that talking to her at this point wasn't going to help anything. Not yet. Even though she was upset about his lie, he was still glad he told her.

He could turn on the television. But he's not that kind of guy. With Meredith he watched t.v. Mostly because he could pull her body next to his and feel her faint breathing, feel her soft heartbeat, smell that lavender scent that was uniquely hers. So without her, there was no sitting on the sofa. He was never home enough to sit with Kristy. He always made sure there was just one more thing to do. Just in case...

He looked over at his vibrating phone. It moved ever so slightly across the bedside table. It wasn't one of those cheap motel tables. It was a nice table. It was a nice hotel. And he felt more comfortable there than at home. He grabbed his phone up and looked at the screen. Kristy's smiling face was on the screen. He took a deep breath and flipped it open.

"Hello?" He said as she closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You finally answer." She said softly as she laid in their empty bed in their broken-down, empty house. It was full, full of things. Material things. Things that didn't matter. It was empty of things that mattered. It was empty of love. Empty of happiness. Empty of joy. Just empty.

"I've been busy." He muttered as he looked at the inside of his eyelids.

"I just-" She said with a sigh. "I can forgive you." She told him in almost a whisper as she exhaled.

"What?" Derek said, not getting where she was going.

"I can forgive you. For the sex. For the girl." She replied. "Just-- Come home. Please just come home. We can work it out. We can go to the marriage counselor. We can make this work."

"Kristy... No. We can't. I'm sorry... I know it hurts you, but I'm not coming home. We're not going to fix this." He told her frankly, yet nicely.

"Just tell me what to do. I can make you happy. I can do what you want me to..." She said as her eyes started to tear up.

"Kristy... Please don't cry..." He said, feeling not guilty, but sad. Sad that she can't understand. Sad that she can't do anything on her own. Sad that she thinks she needs someone.

"Don't cry? Don't cry... How can you say that? Three years. Three years I have been with you. I tried like hell. I changed everything. I did whatever I thought would make you happy. I cut my hair, I went to the gym, went on a diet. I did anything to get just a glance. Any attention. And now in two weeks, you are smiling! Two weeks with this girl and you sleep at night. You smile. You're pleasant. You ask me for a divorce. Two weeks and she did what I couldn't in three years... I don't understand." She said as she sobbed softly.

"I love her." He said honestly. "I have loved her forever..." He muttered with a faint smile as he thought about her. The way the light shines off her hair. Or the way her face looks when covered in rain droplets. The way her eyes changed colors depending on her mood. And Lola. He even loved her.

"Two weeks... And you love her?" She asked in disbelief. "You've loved her forever... Where did she go?"

"It's a--" Derek started.

"She probably doesn't care about you." She said angrily.

"You won't understand it. It's not like that." He said with a sigh. "I have an appointment at the attorney's tomorrow... I really don't want to hurt you. I care about you. I don't want to see you in pain."

"I am." She said as she whimpered. "I am in pain..."

"It'll stop. It will go away. Once you find someone who you love, and loves you back... I won't even be a thought in your head. You will be okay..." He told her softly.

"Derek..." Kristy whimpered.

"Goodnight, Kris..." He said as he flipped his phone shut.


	26. Under Pressure

"Are you okay?" Adrien asked Meredith as he worked on the patient. She was so tired of people asking that question. She was beginning to wonder if it was a requirement. If everyone had to asked her at least one time everyday.

"Fine." She said with a pretend smile. Adrien was so tired of her answering that way. When she got stressed, she shut down and said fine. Always fine. No other word. Fine.

Meredith looked down at the patient. He was only thirty. Thirty years old and he needed a pacemaker. It was so sad. He had three kids. A wife. They loved him. He loved them. The perfect little family. And here she is. Sitting. Stewing. She was irritated. And she felt completely foolish, but the truth was, she missed him. She was mad that he wasn't following her around. Mad that he didn't chase after her. It was a thrill. The chase was a thrill.

"So, how would you like to go to that restaurant you love so much tonight?" Adrien asked as he looked up.

"Sure. We can do that." Meredith said with a nod as she felt the large lump in her throat.

"Good. You need to get out. Relax. You're so tense." He said with a sigh. "You need to relieve some stress. I know an excellent stress reliever." He told her with a smirk and raised eyebrows.

"I bet you do, Dr. de Gualle." She said with a giggle.

"I could show you." He told her with a wink.

"You're too..." Meredith said as she looked up.

"Whipped?" He asked with chuckle.

"I was going to say too much." She said as she shook her head.

"Maybe." He agreed. "But I have to admit, I am painfully happy."

There it was. Now that made her stomach roll. But it wasn't necessarily because of him. It was because she was torn. Torn between two great guys. Two guys that anyone would be so happy to have. Hmm_... I wonder what they think about polygamy? Yeah...that would really work._

"Do you want to close him up, Mer?" He asked softly.

"Of course." She said as she took over.

She liked that. She liked his confidence. He called her Mer in the operating room. He did what he wanted. He knew he was the best and he wasn't afraid to let anyone know. She also happened to know a certain neurosurgeon who did the same thing.

Meredith walked out of the scrub room and grabbed the charts. She needed to do some post-op notes. Just what she loved. But they did need to be done. She sat down at the nurses station and began scribbling.

"Hey..." Dina said softly as she walked up.

"Dr. Eastman." Meredith said with a nod as she looked up.

"Are you okay?" Dina asked with a warm, genuine smile. T_here is it again. Be nice, Mer. Be nice. She is trying. Better than Carter or Mather..._

"I'm fine." Meredith said with a nod.

"Well, I brought you this mocha latte." She said as she sat it down.

"Dr. Shepherd has a surgery on the board. If he needs you, you can scrub in." Meredith told her as she sipped the perfect coffee.

"Oh, thank you, Dr. Grey!" She said as she walked away with a big smile on her face.

"Hey!" Kristy said as she walked up with a big smile on her face. "Okay. I was being stupid. Incredibly stupid. And I understand why you weren't taking my calls. I was just so- And I- I was being stupid. But you are like my best friends and I've missed you, so...I'm sorry." She said without taking a breath.

"Oh..." Meredith said as she looked into her friend's blue eyes. "I-"

"No need... I know that you were drunk. You did mean it." Kristy said with a giggle.

"What do you mean?" Meredith said in confusion.

"You called me a bitch that night. But...whatever." She said with a giggle.

"I did?" Meredith answered.

"No big deal. The point is I need you." She said as she sat down.

"You're in Peds now?" Meredith said, almost knowing what was coming.

"Yep. I like it. So I need you..." Kristy said again.

"Why Peds?" Meredith asked again.

"Because I need a change. So. I need you Mer! Derek...he-- he-" She started to cry.

"What?" Meredith asked, knowing.

"Derek asked me for a divorce." She said sadly.

"Oh my god!" Meredith feigned shock.

"I know. I can't. I love him. I need to fix this. And I need your help." Kristy said with a smile.

"My help?" Meredith asked. _Oh shit._

_--------------_

"So, Dr. Grey seems better." Dina said as she stood at the table with Derek.

"Yeah?" He asked as he glanced up.

"Well, she said she was fine. But... She seems okay." Dina mentioned. "I wonder what was wrong."

"She's just stressed out, I'm sure." Derek said with a nod.

"I don't know. It seems deeper than that. I know she's my resident. And I know everyone calls her resident bitch. But..." Dina said, trailing off.

"You care about her." Derek pointed out.

"I do. She-- I want to be half as good as her. If I could be half, I would be doing fine." Dina said with a smile.

"Well, you already are." He said trying to be nice.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd." Dina said with a big smile.

"Her mom pushed her hard. Really hard." Derek pointed out.

"Really? I guess I shouldn't be surprised..." Dr. Eastman told him.

"She made it. I don't know how, but after everything, she made it." Derek said in disbelief.

"You sound like you know." Dina said as she looked up at him.

"Oh... She's uh-- She's friends with my wife. Well, soon to be ex-wife." Derek said with a shrug.

"Oh." Dr. Eastman said with a frown. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't be." Derek told her.

"So where did you go to college?" Dina asked with a smile.

"Dartmouth then John's Hopkins." Derek told her.

"Oh. Dr. Grey went to Dartmouth. I'm surprised you didn't see her..." Dina said as the wheels started spinning. She connected what they had said. _How will it be okay? I'm divorcing my wife. Nurse Samson went to Peds. Divorce. How will it be okay? Oh my god..._

"She's younger than I am." He said with a smile.

"Oh yeah, that's right." She said with a smile. _Nicely played, Dr. Shepherd. Very nice..._

_----------------------_

Meredith looked in the small locker room mirror. She looked tired. She had a good reason to be tired. The amount of stress was huge. The worrying. Derek. Adrien. It was big. Too big. Not something you flip a coin on. Not a choice made on a whim. It seemed simple. So simple. But it was not. The rest of her life was going to be based on the decisions she made. And that scared the hell out if her.

Meredith ran the brush through her hair. She looked up as Dr. Vincent, the neuro resident walked in. She watched him in the mirror as he walked over and changed his scrubbed. She admired his perfect chest. _Now that is man-candy... Stop that! What? That. Looking. You already have enough problems. In case you haven't noticed, you are literally drowning in a vat of chocolate man candy. Maybe... But oh if I could melt them all down..._

"Going out with the boss?" Brandon Vincent asked as he looked at the mirror, catching her gaze.

"Yes..." She answered. _Dumbass... You were caught. He saw you checking him out..._

"Were you checking me out?" He asked with a smirk as he walked over.

"Um..." She started. _You know, they say honesty is the best policy. _ "I was." She said with a nod.

"Finally! An honest person is this damn hospital." He said with a smirk.

"Yeah, well just because I looked, doesn't mean I want to touch. And I am definitely not interested." She said as she looked at herself in the mirror.

"You want to touch..." He said with a chuckle as he lifted his shirt. "Come on..."

"Nope." She said as she shook her head. "I can do that any time..."

"I guarantee de Gaulle's aren't like this. Come on..." Brandon said with a smirk. "I want an honest opinion..."

"Fine." She said as she rolled her eyes. A smirk played on her face as she grabbed his chest. "You do have nice boobs." She said with a nod.

"Not boobs! Pecs. They are pecs." He told her firmly. They both looked up when Adrien walked in.

"Uh... Honey?" He asked as he walked up.

"I was giving him my professional opinion..." Meredith said with a smile.

"Okay..." He said with raised brows.

"Feel them." She said as she put her hands on his chest.

"Uh. No. I don't do that. I don't feel other men's chests." Adrien said as he shook his head. "I draw the line there."

"You're so funny." Meredith giggled as she grabbed his hand. "Dr. Vincent." She said with a nod.

"Dr. Grey." He replied with a nod.

"What the hell was that?" Adrien asked as she climbed in his car.

"It is exactly what it looked like." She said as she buckled her seat belt.

"I didn't think you were the type..." Adrien stated.

"What type?" She asked.

"The type to feel men's chests." He said with a chuckle.

"It wasn't anything." Meredith said as she looked over.

"I know." He said with a smirk as he held her hand. "I trust you."

_Freaking wonderful. I trust you. Great Mer. Freaking great. If that doesn't make you sick, I don't know what would. You are a freaking heartbreaker. A crusher. You crush people. And Kristy wants your help to fix the marriage you broke. What the hell are you doing? Secrets, lies. I'm fine... You're not fun. You're fucked up. It's a matter of time. But there is a way. A way to not pick. You could just leave. Spare them both from the poisoned water of Meredith's well..._

"Are you okay?" He asked as they walked to the door of the restaurant.

"Yeah." She said as she placed her arm around his waist.

"Good." He said as he kissed her temple. They walked to their usual table and sat down. "So... Are you having the usual?" He asked as he looked at the menu.

"Of course." She said with a smile as she sat her menu down.

"I know you all too well." He said with a smirk.

"That you do." She agreed. Even in the little amount of time that they had been together he was quite perceptive.

"So your mother is doing well." Adrien said as he looked up.

"That's nice." She muttered as she looked away.

"Meredith... She is your mother." He said as he grabbed her wringing hands.

"You have no idea." She said as she looked up at him with cold eyes.

"I would if you would tell me." He said, squeezing her hand gently.

"I can't- It's too much. Too soon." She said as she started to panic.

"Well, when you're ready, I'm here." He said with a smile.

"I know." She agreed as she shook her head.

Derek walked into the restaurant. He was going to get take-out. He had heard everyone talking about this noisy little restaurant. It supposedly had the best food in the area. He froze in place as his gaze rested on the table. She had a faint smile on her face. He was holding her hand. It made him sick. His head was telling him to spin around and run. And he would have. But it was too late.

"Oh look! There's Derek." Adrien said as he looked up.

"Look away." Meredith said, not glancing up.

"He's already seen me." Adrien told her.

"Just looked down. Act like you don't see him." She said in a panic.

"Mer, he's going through a touch time. We should invite him over." Adrien said. "We are his friends. And Kristy's. It's only right." Adrien said as he waved him over. Derek frowned as he made his way to the table.

"Adrien, Meredith." He said with a nod as he stood there.

"Derek." Meredith said with a nod as she sipped her wine.

"Who are you meeting?" Adrien asked.

"Well, I just came for take-out..." Derek said as he looked up.

"That won't do. You have to join us. I insist." Adrien said as he looked between them both.

"Um..." Derek said as he looked at Meredith, who was looking down, and Adrien, who was shaking his head. "Okay." He said as he pulled up a chair. _And the bottom drops out._

The waitress walked up and took their respective orders. Meredith was praying that she would turn into a puddle of goo and disappear. Hell, she'd rather be that three year old piece of gum that some kid placed under the table. This was torture. This was like being strung up above a bonfire, the flames may just barely lick your body, but the heat. The heat would kill you.

"So, Derek. How are things with you and Kristy?" Adrien asked bravely.

"Well." He said as he looked over at Meredith. "I talked to the attorney today. They will serve Kristy with the papers tomorrow." Derek said with a nod.

"So you're really getting divorced?" Adrien asked, still in shock.

"I am." Derek said with an indifferent face.

"Well, I-- It's sad to see, you know? I was married to my wife for twenty-one years." Adrien said with a sad smile.

"Oh..." Derek said with confusion.

"She died of breast cancer. She just let it go. She knew it was there, and she didn't say anything. It was so hard for so long. But then I met Mer." Adrien said with a smile.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Derek said with a frown as he looked at an uptight Meredith.

"Mer, you're being awful quiet." Adrien said as he looked up at her.

"Hmm? No." She said with a nod. "I'm just..." She trailed off.

"So how long were you two married?" Adrien asked.

"Three years." Derek told him as he sipped his drink.

"You just think it will be forever..." Adrien muttered.

"Not really..." Derek said frankly.

"So this other woman..." Adrien asked as he looked up. Meredith eyes got wide as she looked up in shock.

"Hmm?" Derek asked.

"The woman. You said you were in love with someone else." Adrien reminded him as he took a drink. [i_What? Are you guys having some freaking 'guy time'? Bonding?[/i_

"Oh yes..." Derek said with a smile. "She's amazing. She is the most beautiful woman I have even seen. Her smile makes my day better. No matter what has happened, one look at that smile, and I'm a new man. And she's smart and honest. She is perfect in every way." Derek said with awe. [i_Shit. Why does he have to do that? Why?[/i_

"She sounds amazing..." Adrien said with an understanding smile. "How did you meet?" Adrien asked with raised brows. [i_Quit asking the freaking questions... Can't you just keep your damn mouth shut?[/i_

"We met at a party. She was avoiding someone. She stumbled into my lap. It was all over from there." Derek said as his eyes met Meredith's. He could see her eyes getting dewey. [i_I miss you... I miss you, but I--[/i_

"Wow. I didn't realize you and Kristy went to parties." Adrien pointed out.

"Oh... Oh no. I didn't just meet her. No. We met over a decade ago. Things happened. We lost touch. It was no one's fault. But it was the worse thing that ever happened to me. And now I just want to move forward. With her." Derek said with a nod. [i_At least he didn't spill every freaking detail. Derek, sometimes I want to kill you![/i_

"Well, I hope it works out for you both. I believe that everyone has to find their own happiness, and you don't live forever. So you should go get it. And that's why I'm so happy I met Meredith." Adrien said as he winked at her.

"I couldn't agree more." Derek said dryly as he watched the waitress bring their food.

Meredith stayed silent. What was she going to say? She couldn't say anything. She was just hoping that Adrien would think Kristy was the reason for her silence. She wasn't stupid. She knew something had to change. But change scared her . She's like to wait to the last minute. She was an avoider. An avoider of the worst kind.

"Oh shit..." Adrien muttered as he looked down at his buzzing pager. "I'll be right back." He said as he jumped up from the table and walked out.

"I hate you." She said through her teeth.

"It wasn't my idea" He defended as he looked at her.

"No matter..." She said as she shook her head. "Thanks for the dinner from hell..." She said with a huff. "And the little story... Sweet, Derek. Really fucking sweet."

"It was the truth." He said with a shrug.

"Nothing matters. None of that matters anymore." She said with a sigh as she looked down.

"You do realize I can't go on, right?" He asked as he cocked his head.

"What?" She asked as she looked up.

"If you- If we don't-- I can't move on. I tried for a long time. I tried to move on. And now I will be free... But I can't move on. I won't. I will always wait. If I can't have you, I'd rather be alone." Derek said with a frown.

"Derek..." She said as the tears started to fall. She looked up at Adrien walking up and wiped her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Adrien asked as he stood next to her.

"My eyes burn." She said with a smile as she wiped them.

"Oh no..." He said as he kissed her head. "I'm so sorry... I have to go to the hospital. I think I'm going to have to open a patient back up."

"I'll come..." Meredith said as she stood up.

"No you won't. You've been working way too much. Derek, could you take Meredith home when you guys are done?" Adrien asked. "I'd rather you take her home than a cab..."

"Of course. And goodnight" Derek said with a smile. Adrien threw down several bills.

"Goodnight..." He said as he kissed Meredith softly. "I don't know if I'll be home..."

"So..." Derek said with a raised eyebrow. "Would you like dessert?"

"Shut up!" She said as she stood up. "I'm ready." She said as she started to walk off, him following.

"Mer..." He shouted as he followed her. He ran up and grabbed her arm.

"No! I just-- Give me a few minutes..." She said as she looked at him. He nodded his head and opened the car door.

The ride there was completely silent. She was thinking. Her wheels were turning. He watched her wring her hands nervously. She was biting her bottom lip. She was contemplating. He just wondered what.

He pulled into Adrien's parking spot and but his Yukon Denali in park. He watched her open the door and step out. He quickly jumped out of the car and walked her to the door. She slid her key into the lock and turned the handle.

"Mer... I'm sorry. I just-- My world turns because of you. The sun rises and sets because of you. I can't help how I feel. I will never stop loving you." He said as he stroked her cheek. She closed her eyes and sighed. She felt his lips touch hers. She allowed his tongue entrance as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"Damn-it!" She grumbled.

"What?" He said with a smirk. He felt her hand grab his arm as she dragged him in.

**Okay, no update on Wednesday, sorry. :( I am super-busy every Wednesday.**

**And to the person who asked me how I write both fics... It's not easy! I work full time, and all my free time is spent writing, but I really enjoy it. Sometimes it can get overwhelming. **

**Thanks for the reviews, guys. They inspire me when I don't feel like doing it!**


	27. Three Confusing Words

She pulled him in the door, slamming it with her foot. She quickly locked the door. She knew it was wrong, bust she couldn't stop. He swiftly walked up to her and covered her mouth with his. She moaned as their lips collided. She needed it. She needed him. With his body against hers, his erection pressing against her leg. She heard him let out a moan as she ran her leg up against his hard, jean-clad cock.

"Shit, Mer..." He moaned as he pulled away. "I need you." He said, feeling the insistence from his hard member.

"Crap..." She said with a guilty half frown, half smile.

Derek smiled when she looked over at the kitchen table in the middle of the room. Derek quickly grabbed her and gently placed her on a counter top. She smiled as she looked into his needy eyes. He climbed up onto the table and began pecking kisses on her neck.

"Condom." She said as she reached in his wallet. She knew just where it was in the fold. She pulled it out and handed it to him. He smiled.

"Just do it, Der..." She moaned, feeling her heat rising. Derek quickly undid her tight jeans and tossed them. He looked at her lack of panties.

"I was in a hurry." She giggled as she looked at him.

"That is incredibly fucking hot!" He said as the slowly thrust two fingers into her. "Shit Mer..."

"I was ready. I've been ready. Since the restaurant..." She moaned. "Oh god...thank you..." She moaned as she felt his fingers teasing her most sensitive areas. Her moist folds tingling at his touch. "Shit...Der...Stop!" She muttered as she felt herself teetering on the edge. The fog rolled in. It was over.

"Der! Oh...God...I...Ohhhh..." She moaned as she felt herself free falling. His mouth quickly found it's way down, sucking her hot juices. "Oh...god..." She muttered as she felt another wave coming. Her hands grasped the side of the table as his tongue swirled round and round. Her feet curled. Her body clenched. She felt herself release, once again.

"You taste so good..." He muttered as he mouth went to work.

"Derek. I need you inside of me. Now. I need you... Not your tongue. Now!" She demanded.

"Oh, my four inch cock?" He said sarcastically.

"Damn-it! I said it was the fantastic four!" She shouted with a smile. "Please..." She moaned.

He nodded, feeling himself preparing. His body knowing what was coming. He unzipped and dropped, quickly rolling the condom on. As quickly as he could, he jumped on the table, hovering over her.

"Oh..." She yelped loudly at the force that had just hit her. His full length deep inside of her. He slowly pulled in and out, being consumed by the feeling of her wrapped around him.

"Harder! Fuck Derek! Harder. I need it harder. I need you to pound me!" She shouted.

"Fuck, Mer." He shouted as he threw his body as hard as he could. The table began jumping, it's four legs moving off of the floor. Hitting with a thump, thump, thump,

"Derek, harder. Now! Harder. Deeper." She said, unable to get enough of his cock inside of her.

"Oh God!" Derek said loudly, as their bodies continued to yearn. He pounded harder. He looked into her deep green eyes, which quickly turned to fear as the table got shaky. Very shaky. They both gasped as it fell hard onto the floor, all four legs splayed out beneath.

"Shit!" He said in shock as he looked around.

"Don't stop now!" She shouted as her body began to tighten. Derek looked at her like she was crazy, but kept thrusting. He felt her fingernails dig into her, forming crescents on his back.

"Oh my god!" He shouted as he tightened around him and released her warm fluid.

"Oh..." She moaned with a smile as he continued to thrust.

"Oh God...I'm... Shit..." He moaned as he released, feeling her body tensing and releasing around him. Meredith laid back with a moan. Derek pulled out and rolled over, standing up. She laid there on the table, eyes closed.

"I think we broke the table..." He said breathlessly.

"Really?" She said sarcastically as she looked up at him. She put her hand up and he pulled her to her feet. "Now how am I going to explain this?" She asked as she stood there and looked down. Derek didn't answer, so she looked up. "Derek!" She said as she noticed him looking at her ass.

"Sorry... I was a little... Distracted." He said with a shrug.

"Mark. I will blame it on Mark... Or I could go get a new one now." She said as she thought. "I'll be right back..." She said as she swiped her jeans off the floor and walked to her room. She smiled as he watched her walk into the bedroom. She came back several minutes later.

"Okay, let's go." She said as she grabbed the table legs.

"What are we doing?" Derek said as he stood there.

"Buying a new table. Adrien is in surgery, and I don't have a truck. We'll need to put it in your Denali." Meredith said as she walked towards the door.

"But-" He started as he looked at her.

"Look... I just gave you amazing sex. On my kitchen table. A table I and everyone else eats off of. So the least you can do it drive me to get another one." She said as she opened the door. "Grab the top."

"It's heavy." He moaned as he picked it up.

"Seriously. Quit whining!" She said as she shook her head.

"So what are we doing with this?" He asked as they walked down the hall.

"Throwing it in the dumpster." She said as she opened the top and threw it in. She turned around and helped him heave it in. She walked to his car and climbed in. Derek had a huge smile on his face as he drove the short distance.

"Why are you so happy?" She asked as she looked over.

"We broke a table. We actually broke a table." Derek said in shock.

"We did." She said as she started to giggle. They both got out of the car and walked in the store.

"Can I help you?" A salesperson asked as he walked up.

"We need a new kitchen table." They said in unison.

"Right this way." He said as he walked them over. "Do you have anything in mind."

"Something strong." They both said quickly.

"Well, this is our best model." He told them as he pointed at a table.

"How much weight will it hold?" Derek asked with raised brows.

"Weight? Definitely enough for a full dinner." The man answered.

"Will it hold two people?" Derek asked. "Moving people?"

"Derek!" Meredith said as she hit him with her ineffectual fists.

"Why would you... Oh! Um... Yeah, this should be strong enough for that..." He said with a grin.

"Good." Derek said with a nod as he looked over at her.

"We'll take it." She said with a smile.

The table was loaded. Derek paid the bill, boasting that he had crushed a table. And off they drove back to the apartment. Meredith breathed a sigh of relief as they pulled into the parking lot, seeing that neither Mark nor Adrien were there. They both carried the heavy table in and sat it in the middle.

"Do you think they'll notice?" Derek asked as he looked at the table.

"Are you kidding? I live with men." She giggled.

"You have a point..." He agreed with an agreeing nod.

"So thank you... But you have to go." She said as she pushed him to the door.

"But-- But I wanted to test this out." He said with a grin.

"Get out..." She said as she shoved him softly.

"Fine." He said. "But I want to do this first..." He said as he pulled her over and kissed her. She huffed loudly as he pulled away. "Goodnight, my love."

"You're a dork." She said as she shook her head.

"What?" He asked with a smirk.

"Goodnight, Derek." She said as she shut the door. She leaned against it and sighed.

Meredith took a quick shower and changed for bed. She had to wash off the sex. The dirty, bad sex. Not bad as in bad. Bad as in wrong. She looked at the fluffy comforter and smiled. She couldn't wait to climb in and go to sleep. She was just starting to fall asleep when she felt him lay down and wrap two arms around her. She closed her eyes, not saying anything. Too much physical activity had been done.

------------------

She could feel his eyes on her. He was watching her. Even in her sleep, she could sense it. She felt on the spot. She felt self-conscious. She hated when people watched her sleep. Derek did it all the time. She felt nervous and uneasy. She kept her eyes closed. She laid there in her own pool of guilt. She had sex with Derek yesterday. Hot amazing sex. And then she had Adrien holding her all night long. It was a sickening game she was playing. With them. And herself.

"Morning..." She said as she looked up at Adrien. She looked into his eyes. He was sad. Really sad. The normally light blue eyes were now dark and gray. Near tears. He was near crying. It hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Good morning." He said with a broken smile as he kissed her on the head.

"You're sad. What's wrong..." She asked with concern as she looked up at him. He took a deep breath and looked at her. He wanted to break. To spill. And she was worried. Worried about what he might say.

"My wife. Today is the day. The anniversary of her death." Adrien said sadly as he looked at the city out the window.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She said as he placed her hand on his cheek. He stared into her eyes for a few minutes and finally spoke.

"She was amazing." He said with a smile. "I met her in college..."

"In France? Was she French?" Meredith asked him.

"No. She was American. She was going to school there. She spoke French fairly well. Really well, actually. But more book than anything. She learned more the longer she was there. The minute I saw her, I was entranced. She was... Amazing. She was so bright. So happy. Nothing ever brought her down. Ever. And her laugh. She had this laugh that was-- Not like yours. Not a soft petite giggle. Not light and airy. She laughed. Loud and hard. She didn't hold it back for anyone. The minute I saw her I knew she was the one. I followed her. I begged. Finally she caved. We got married. We stayed in France for awhile. Then we came here, to Seattle. Everyday was perfect with her. Until it wasn't. I found it. I found the lump. It was big. I asked her about it. She knew. She had put it off. By them time we found out it was malignant, it had already matastized. She smiled. They told her she was dying, and she smiled. She said let's do this right. It was almost a year. I loved to work. And so did she. But once I realized she was sick, it didn't matter anymore. I took the year off of work and we did everything she wanted to do. We travelled. We went to the amusement park. We went back to our college campus. Went to the zoo. Then she got so sick. We went home and I took care of her. She died in my arms. Right in my arms. But she loved me, and I know she knew I loved her. And that was the only thing that got me through. At least I was there. With her to the end." He said as a stray tear fell. He looked up at her, seeing the many tear-stains on her cheeks.

"Oh..." She said as she began to sob. Not only for the strange woman that meant so much to him, but for Derek. For herself. "I'm so sorry..."

"It's okay. Because I know she's okay..." He said as he wiped her tears. He pulled her close to his chest. "And I'm okay, because I have you... I love you." He said as he kissed her head.

"I love you too." She whispered softly.

----------------

"Carter, Sloan. Mather, Shepherd. Pierce, Daniels. Weathers, you're with Jackson. And Eastman, you're with me on an aortic repair." Meredith said as she turned and walked away.

"You look good today, Dr. Grey." Dina said as she walked along with her resident.

"Oh?" Meredith asked as she glanced over.

"I mean not sad. You look happier. Are you feeling better?" Eastman asked happily.

"I am. I really am." Meredith said with an agreeing nod. "Not perfect, but better."

"That's great." Dina agreed as they walked into the room.

"Mr. Campbell... How are you today?" Meredith asked as she walked in.

"I'll be better when this is over." He said with a chuckle.

"I bet you will be." Meredith said with a smirk. "Any questions?"

"Nope." He said with a smile. "I think you've explained everything."

"Good. Dr. Eastman is going to prep you, and I will see you when we're done." Meredith said as she handed over the chart and and walked out.

"Where the hell have you been?" Meredith asked as she walked up behind Mark.

"Me? You!" He said as he looked up.

"I have been in the usual places. Home. The hospital." Meredith said with a nod.

"I've been here." He said with a frown. "But I've been thinking..." He started as he looked into her eyes.

"What?" She asked with a smile.

"I think we have an over supply of men here." He said with a smirk.

"In general?" Meredith giggled. "Never too many."

"No. In your apartment. I was actually thinking that I should find somewhere else to live." He said as he glanced over.

"What? No!" She said quickly. "You can't leave! You-- Please." She said with a frown. "Don't. I want you to stay." She said with a look of panic.

"You're sure?" He asked. "I don't want to be in the way."

"Mark, it's your place too. And it wouldn't be the same without you..." She said quickly. "Please don't leave me..."

Mark looked into her eyes. He didn't want to leave. But between Derek and Adrien, he didn't want to make a mess of the equation. She was near tears. He couldn't believe it. She obviously had major abandonment issues. I knew she did, but he didn't think it was that bad. Derek had done a number on her. Not that it was intentional. It definitely wasn't. But her issues were deep rooted and they weren't leaving anytime soon.

"I won't. But if you ever want me to..." He trailed off as he rubbed her shoulder.

"You'll know it!" She said as she shoved him and walked off. He stood there laughing. His smile soon left his face when he looked down the hallway.

"You look happy." Derek said as he looked up at Adrien who had a huge smile plastered across his face,

"I am. I wasn't. But I am now." Adrien said happily.

"Oh yeah?" Derek answered with confusion.

"Meredith told me she loved me this morning. She actually said it..." Adrien boasted. "I have to go... Have a good day!" He said as he nearly skipped off.

Derek stood there dumbfounded. Sick. That word didn't begin to describe how he felt. He felt like the rug he was standing on had been ripped out from under him. He felt betrayed. He felt angry. He felt like he could snap at any moment. Everything had had believed. The happiness he felt. It was gone for the moment. He felt like he lost it all. He walked numbly down the hallway.

"Hey man. What's wrong?" Mark asked as he looked up. Derek kept walking. "Shepherd?" Derek glanced up. "What's going on?"

"Meredith told de Gaulle she loved him." He said as he kept walking.

"What?" Mark said as he stood there in shock.

**Don't hate me! I ALWAYS fix it!**


	28. Decisions

"So?" Addison asked as she took a bite of her chicken club sandwich.

"So... What?" Mark asked as he glanced up.

"What's going on with Meredith and Derek?" Addison asked happily.

"Oh. That." Mark said with a sigh. "Well, Meredith told de Gaulle that she loved him today."

"What!" Addison said as she spit out her food on the plate. Mark looked at her with wide-eyes. Always the lady, Addison was not expected to spit food out in such a manner.

"That's what Derek said. Well, apparently de Gaulle said. But I have to say, I saw him tell Derek. He looked like someone had just ran his dog over flat." Mark said as he shook his head.

"So what do we do?" Addison said with a smile.

"We, do nothing. I don't want to make things any worse than they are." Mark explained.

"Well, I don't know how much worse they can get." Addison told him. "I don't know what her deal is. Oh my God! You don't- She doesn't really love him, does she?"

"You know, a week ago, I'd said no. But today, I don't know. I think she might." Mark said as he took a bite of his sandwich.

"Well, what about the wife?" Addison asked softly.

"She's been hounding. She wants him back." Mark said. He was in shock himself. Mark Sloan, doing the gossipy, fixing people up, girl talk. If the people in New York could see him now.

"I have an idea!" She said with a smirk.

"What?" He said with a frown.

"Well, Mark. Sometimes you have to take one for the team... And it's your turn..." She said with a giggle as she started to explain.

Mark drove back to the hospital quickly. He had to quit doing that. Life was so simple before the friends. Before the lunches. The drinks. The dinners. The bachelor life in New York was wonderful. And this was just a big mess. He walked into the hospital, seeing the elevators were down for the third time this week. He made his way over to the stairwell and began climbing. He was about two floors away when he heard the talking...

"You told him you love him." Derek said as he watched her walk from the hallway into the stairwell.

"Hmm?" Meredith asked, looking up from her chart, surprised he was in there.

"You told Adrien you loved him. This morning. I thought- You told him you loved him." He repeated in shock.

"Derek..." She trailed off as she looked into his deep blue eyes.

"No. No, Mer. It's not- You told him you loved him. Fourteen years! I've waited fourteen years for you. And you-- You can't do this, Mer." Derek said firmly.

"Do what, Derek?" She snapped as she glared at him.

"You know what. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't- I love you. I've told you that over and over again. And yet, you find it so damn hard to tell me. You know how I feel. You know... And you... I'm not doing this. I am not some easy fuck. I'm not going to fuck you, and then let him lay next to you at night when we're done." Derek said, almost rolling his eyes at his own predicament. He now knew what it was like to be the woman. The woman with the man who wouldn't commit.

"What are you saying, Derek?" Meredith asked as she looked at her feet.

"I think you know." He spat as he walked away.

"Hey..." Mark said as he walked up to where Meredith was standing.

"So how much did you hear?" She asked with a frown.

"All of it." Mark said sadly,

"And?" Meredith asked quickly.

"I think you have a choice." Mark said as he slapped her on the back and walked away. He quickly walked up two flights and made his way to the nurses station on pediatrics.

"Sometimes you have to take one for the team..." He grumbled as he made his way over. "And how are you today?" Mark said as he leaned across, looking at Kristy. Not his type. She was pretty, yes. But not the kind Mark Sloan went for, by any means.

"I'm good." She said with a smile. "What are you doing up here?"

"Cleft palate. So, how would you like to go to Joe's with me tonight?" He asked quickly.

"Um, I don't think... Derek and I-" She started as she looked around.

"A drink. Not a date. Not go back to a cheap motel. A friendly drink." He clarified.

"Well..." She said with a sigh. "Okay." She told him.

"Good... Meet you at seven?" He asked.

"Sounds good." She said with a smile as she watched him walk away.

--------------------

Once you've said something, you can't take it back. You can apologize. You can deny. You can hope over time that it's forgotten. But it was still said. It's always remembered. So what do you do when you've said something? And more, what do you do when you're not sure you regret it?

Meredith laid in her bed and watched as Adrien undressed and changed into his pajamas. There was not a question in her mind that if Derek hadn't come back she would have lived very contently with Adrien. Of course, she still would have had her issues, but he would have cracked her. And it would have worked.

"What?" He asked with a smile as he looked over at her.

"Nothing." She muttered with a broken smile.

"You have something on your mind." He said as he climbed into the bed. "Can I help?"

"No." She said as she laid and looked at the ceiling.

"So, Richard was asking about you today." Adrien told her.

"I don't want to talk about it." She said quickly as she rubbed her face.

"Meredith..." He said softly.

"Fine! They ruined my life! They lied. They made decisions. They gave up. And they ruined my fucking life. Are you happy now?" She yelled as she rolled over.

"I'm sorry, Mer." He said as he rubbed her back. "I- You never said anything, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." He told her. He heard her sigh loudly. "I just-- Your life...do you still consider it ruined? Because I am happy." He said as he nuzzled against her.

And that was when she knew. She knew what she had to do. She had to save them. She had to save herself.

-----------------

Derek sat at the corner table of the tiny restaurant. She told him to meet her here. He had an uneasy feeling. Everything had been so secret. She hadn't shown his any affection in public. She barely talked to him at the hospital. It was a super secret relationship, that wasn't even a relationship at all. He sipped his water as he watched the door. He sucked in air as he saw her walk past the large window in a pair of tight jeans and a long sleeve shirt. The sunlight bounced off of her hair, illuminating her face with a soft glow.

"Hey..." He said as he watched her walk up. He quickly stood up and pulled out her chair.

"Hey." She said as she sat down on the chair. No hug. No kiss. Just red-rimmed eyes.

This was bad. He didn't have to hear her talk to know what was going to be said. He threw her in this position. Adrien or him. He forced her into it. And now he was regretting it. A piece of Meredith was better than nothing. A small part of her. A glance at her smile. The sweet taste of her flesh. The flowery scent that wafted around her. Just a smidgen. And now he knew. And now he wanted to take a page out of her book. Now he wanted to avoid.

"I hear they have a good rueben here." He said as he looked at the menu. He wasn't bringing it up.

"Derek." She said as she sat her menu down on the table. A cold chill worked it's way up her spine and made her body quiver.

"But the turkey is good too. I like the soup." He said with a nod.

"Derek." She said as she grabbed his menu and placed it down on the table.

"Don't say it." He said as his eyes locked with hers.

"I don't want to hurt." She said with a broken smile.

"I don't want you to hurt." He agreed as he watched the fear in her eyes as she built up to what she was going to say.

"This has to stop. Me and you. It wasn't meant to be." She lied as she looked at him. The knot in his stomach flipped, cutting of the circulation, pain following the necrosis. "Things are different. I've changed. You knew me for a year and a half, fourteen years ago. I'm not the same girl. God, your marriage has lasted longer than we knew each other. I don't want to hurt you. Adrien is special to me. And I think he can make me happy. So I'm bowing out. I love you too much to keep you in limbo." She said with a sigh. "So, goodbye, Derek." She said as she put her hand on his and stood. She turned to walk away.

"Mer-" He said softly. She stopped in her tracks and listened. "I know you... I know that in the morning, you lay there for a few minutes with your eyes closed before you open them. You like to feel the sun on you face first. And when you stir your coffee, you always stir it three times around. You bite your lip when you are contemplating what to do. You wring your hands when you're nervous. You whimper when you climax. You like to walk barefoot in the rain, because you like the way it feels. And when you cry, your eyes turn gray. And if Adrien knew you, he would have known that you were sad at dinner. I don't care what you say, Mer, I know you. I know you better than myself. And I hope this works between you and Adrien. But if it doesn't, I'll be here. I'll be waiting. I have nothing else to wait for, and I don't want anything else." He said softly. As she walked away, she wiped the tears from her eyes. Now she was just praying she didn't make a mistake.

----------------

"You came..." Mark said as he Kristy walked up to the table.

"I did." She said with a nod as she sat down. "So, you was your day?"

"It was good. Busy. But if I wasn't busy, I don't know what I'd be." He said with a smirk.

"No kidding." She said with a smile. "I'm actually picking up more hours, just so I don't have to go to my empty house."

"So, what do you want?" He asked as he lifted his glass up.

"Oh... A cosmo, I guess." She said with a shrug as she looked up.

"I'll be right back." He said with a smirk as he walked away. "Here you go..." He said as he sat her drink down.

"Thanks." She said as she took a sip. They looked around the busy bar. "Have you seen Derek?" She finally asked.

"I have." He said with quickly.

"Is he-" She started before she swallowed hard.

"Kris... I know I don't know you very well... But I know Derek..." He said as he looked up. "Your marriage is over."

"Mark! I don't know who you think you are!" She spat as she started to stand up.

"Kristy... I'm not- I'm sorry." He said with a frown. She looked at him and sat back down.

"Why would you say that?" She asked. "Do you know her? Do you know who she is? He said he has loved her forever. I must know her..." Mark drew in a deep breath.

"I shouldn't have brought it up. Would you like another drink?" He asked, walking off before she even answered.

"Does he love her?" Kristy asked as a tear ran down her cheek. Mark looked at her and sighed.

"He does." Mark said, full of defeat.

"I want him to be happy. But I want him to be happy with me." She said as she began to cry.

"Kristy, even if he was with you-" Mark started.

"It will always be her." She finished as she wiped her tears. Mark nodded his head.

"Let's have a good time here. I don't want to sit here and mope. Let's play darts..." He suggested as he stood. She nodded her head and followed him.

Mark watched Kristy all night. She was still sad. She was hurting bad. But she was okay. He couldn't help but feel sorry for her. She was innocent in all of this. It was such a mess. Derek didn't and never would have loved her. She just deserved to be happy. And the plan that Addison had, flew out the window. That was not the way. She had to figure this out on her own.

-------------------

Meredith was avoiding. It wasn't the run of the mill avoiding. Not the duck and run kind of avoiding. It was the real deal. Like make sure you're on a different floor. Or hide in a closet for three hours. She was terrified of seeing him. And he knew why. It was because she was scared. He knew what happened when they saw each other. Neither could control themselves. They never could.

Derek moped. Everyone around him could see it. The light he had in his eyes was missing. Not really missing, just not as bright. There was a difference in him since she was away. He missed seeing her smiling face. Hearing that infectious giggle. He just missed her. As the hours meshed into days and days into weeks, his hope was fading. Maybe she really was happy with Adrien. Maybe he had lost her.

Derek walked down the empty hallway in the basement. Human resources. He hate the basement. It was cold and dark. It was not the kind of place he wanted to be. He quickly walked, glancing back. He grunted as he ran into someone.

"Oh!" Meredith said as the files she was carrying were splayed out all over the floor.

"Sorry!" He said as they crouched down and began picking them up. "How are you?" He asked as he looked up at her.

"Good." She said as she took a deep breath. She didn't look into his eyes. She couldn't look into his eyes.

"Meredith..." He said as he tipped her chin and forced her to look up.

Derek nearly smiled when he looked at her. His smirk was for all the wrong reasons. She was content. He could see that. But she was also missing the spark, The diamonds in her eyes were missing. She was missing him, just as he was missing her.

[i_"You're not happy." Derek thought._

_"I'm fine." She responded guiltily._

_"I miss you. I miss you so much..." _

_"I... Life isn't the same. Not without you." She thought as she picked up her last folder.[/i_

"I-- I have to go..." She muttered as she walked off quickly.

"Mer." Derek muttered, falling on deaf ears as she disappeared down the hallway.

"Meredith..." Kristy said as she ran up alongside her. "What's wrong?" She said as she looked at Meredith's pale face.

"I screwed up. I- Both- I... Too much." She said as she rushed into the supply closet. She felt Kristy sit alongside her and wrap her arm around her.

"Calm down..." Kristy said as she rubbed her shoulder.

"I just want it to go away." Meredith muttered through the tears.

"What?" Kristy said as she looked up.

"The pain." She said as she gasped for air. She felt the tension build in her back. It pounded and pounded. She couldn't take it as she cried out.

"Just stop. I'm stopping. I am making it stop. Make it stop." Kristy rambled. "Fine. I love Derek. But guess what? He doesn't love me. Whatever. You have to stop your pain." She said quickly.

"It's not that easy." Meredith said as she breathed out heavily. "I have to-- Surgery..." Meredith said as she struggled to get up. "I can't..." She said as she sat down."

"You can't stop the pain? You can..." Kristy said firmly.

"No. I can't get up." She said as she laid her head back.

"Oh no." Kristy said in a panic as she rushed out the door. "Derek!" She yelled as she watched him pass. "Derek!" He ignored her. "Meredith... She needs help..." He quickly wheeled around and jogged over.

"What's wrong?" He said as he rushed over.

"Her back." She said as she pointed. Meredith looked up at him in desperation. He quickly swooped her up and carried her to a an empty room. She rolled over on her back. Derek pulled up her scrub shirt, and began kneading her back. Kristy watched as he rubbed harder and harder, and Meredith's face relaxed.

"You need to go home." He said as he finished, he could feel her muscles relax in his hands.

"I-" She started.

"She needs to go home. Where is de Gaulle?" Derek asked Kristy.

"Conference in Atlanta." She said quickly.

"I'm fine." Meredith said as she stood up.

"You're not fine!" They both yelled at her.

"I can take her home." Kristy said with a smile. "I'm sure someone can cover for me."

"Rest." Derek said as he walked out.

"Thanks..." Meredith said as she felt the tears prick.

"Are you okay?" Kristy asked as she looked into Meredith's eyes.

"The pain." Meredith muttered as she closed her eyes.

"Oh! I'll get help..." Kristy said as she looked at her.

"Not that pain." Meredith muttered as she stood up.

Kristy took Meredith home. She knew something wasn't right. Something was definitely off. She couldn't put her finger on it... Neither spoke. She could see the pain that she was in, and she didn't want to say the wrong thing. She didn't want to make it worse. Meredith smiled as she shut the door and made her way into the bathroom. She was in true pain. She just wanted it to stop. The mental pain was turning into physical pain. And she couldn't take it. She sighed as she took one of her muscle relaxer and laid on her bed. Rest. She needed rest. And more so, she needed to wake up to a new life.

She didn't hear the click of the door lock. She didn't hear the faint footsteps walking through her home. She didn't hear him lay his coat on the chair. There was no sound heard as he slid his shoes off. And she definitely didn't hear him open her door and walk in. But she felt him. She felt him lay next to her. And she felt his eyes piercing her. And his arms wrap around her. Her feelings were confirmed as she opened her eyes, staring into a see of blue.


	29. Caught

Meredith was in shock as she laid there. They were both on their sides, staring into one another's eyes. Both feeling perfectly content. But one was feeling guilt. A guilt that didn't go away no matter which way she turned.

"Derek... You can't be here." She said as she looked at him.

"I am." He said softly as he looked into her eyes.

"You should go..." She whispered as she rubbed her face.

"I had to make sure you were okay." He said as he stroked her cheek.

"Well, I am. So now you should go." She said with a nod as she closed her eyes.

"I don't want to." He whispered as he looked at her. She opened her eyes back up. "How is your back?"

"I'm okay, Derek. You don't need to worry about me." She said firmly.

"I can't help it." He said softly. He watched her wince as she shifted. "Let me rub your back." He said as he helped her roll over. He began kneading the tension away.

"Oh God..." She muttered as he rubbed. She closed her eyes as she relaxed. She pulled away after a while and snuggled against his chest.

"I love you." She said softly. "And I love him Derek. I do love him." Derek sighed as he rubbed her back.

"I know you do..." He said as he kissed her head. It broke his heart. But at least she was honest. They laid there in each other's arms and stared out the window, comfortable in their perfect silence.

"I needed you. Today, in the basement... I--" She told him.

"It's been hell without you. Not seeing your face... Not smelling you. Hearing your voice..." He told her.

"I know." She agreed as she rolled over and faced him.

Her eyes fell to his lips. She wanted nothing more than to feel those lips on hers. She closed her eyes and leaned forward, feeling his warm lips on hers. He gently rolled over, resting his hands on the bed beside her. She ran her fingers through his hair as she felt his tongue dance with hers.

"You shouldn't be here..." She moaned as she worked at his zipper.

"I know..." He muttered as he ran his hand up under her shirt, teasing her perky nipple between his fingers. He moaned as she ran her hands down his back and pushed his jeans and boxers down. Her hand grazed his hard erection as she felt him kick his clothing off. She quickly peeled her own pants off and kicked them somewhere off the bed. Derek ran his fingers over her soft skin as he pulled her shirt off. She worked at the buttons on his shirt, exposing his chest.

"You should go..." She said softly.

"I know." He muttered as he sucked on her neck. Derek ran his index finger along her moist slit. She felt him grasp himself as he prepared to enter her.

"Wait." She said as she leaned over and grabbed a condom. He smiled as she ripped it open and slid it on. She closed her eyes as she felt him thrust into her. He pushed and pulled with long steady strokes, his length filling her up.

"Oh..." He moaned as he felt her heated core wrap around him. This was how it was meant to be. No other way. "Your back?" He whispered gently.

"It's okay." She moaned as she felt him begin to pick up speed. "Faster..." She moaned. She felt him quicken his pace, while being as gentle as possible.

"God, Mer..." He moaned as he felt her body began to clench.

"Shit..." She moaned as he rubbed against her. "Oh..." She moaned as she arched her back and released.

"Oh fuck!" He shouted as he released. He rolled over and laid his head on her chest. Both remained in a perfect silence as they contemplated. She laid there thinking. She remembered. After a long time, Meredith finally whispered.

"I let you drive." She said simply.

"You let me drive." He looked up at her and nodded.

"I remember..."

[i_Meredith sat in the chair, waiting for Derek. Just the thought of seeing him made her tingle all over. She had never felt that way about anyone. He triggered something in her. It was a passion. It was comfortable. It was exciting. It was perfection._

_"So, where are we going?" She giggled as they walked out the front door. Derek smiled as he looked at her dressed in her favorite jeans and a red tank top._

_"I told you it was a surprise." Derek said as he grabbed her hand. She looked over and smiled as they walked down the long sidewalk._

_"Come on. One hint." She begged._

_"You'll see." He said as he walked to the passenger side of her red and white Corvette._

_"Hey, Der?" She said as she stopped._

_"Yeah?" He asked as he looked up._

_"You drive." She said as she tossed the keys to him._

_"Are you kidding?" He asked in shock as he looked down at the keys in his hand._

_"Nope." She said as she walked to the passenger side. This was a big deal. No one had ever driven Meredith Grey's precious car. She guarded it with her life. And now she was trusting him._

_"Wow..." He muttered as he opened the door and climbed in. He drove cautiously away from the house._

_"Come on, Der..." She laughed. "Drive it!"_

_"I don't want to--" He started._

_"Step on it!" She demanded. Derek looked over at her and began shifting the gears as he flew down the street. They pulled up to a stop light and Meredith laughed as she looked at the excited grin on Derek's face. They both glanced over at the Mustang that pulled beside them._

_Meredith glanced over at the college guys in the car next to them. The roared the engine and looked over with smiles on their faces. She rolled her eyes when she heard them whistle loudly. _

_"They are being pathetic. Ignore them." Meredith huffed. When the light turned, Derek proceeded to the next light._

_"Hey, Baby, can I take it for a ride?" He yelled over to Derek and Meredith._

_"No one drives my car." Meredith spat as she looked over._

_"Who said I was talking about the car?" He said as he stuck out his tongue and wiggled it at her._

_"When this light changes, suck them up your exhaust pipe." She ordered._

_"Seriously?" Derek asked._

_"Hell yes. Fuck them." She said as she flipped them off. The light turned green and Derek stomped on the gas. "Fuck you!" She yelled. The Mustang rolled up to the next red light._

_"Sorry about your luck, pussies." Meredith yelled._

_"Oh, I think the only pussy around here is you sweetheart. How about you get in, and I can show you a real man..." He said quickly._

_"Go!" She spat. "Stomp their asses in the ground."_

_Derek approached the intersection. The light was green. It looked clear. He flew through. Midway, Meredith glanced over, seeing a green truck barreling towards them._

_"Derek!" Was all she got out before the collision. Flip. One, two, three, four times. It went black.[/i_

They held each other as both cried. He felt the sobs wrack her broken body. Neither spoke. They just felt. They just laid there, feeling all that they had lost. Wondering if they would ever be able to get it back.

"It wasn't your fault." Meredith finally said. "It was the truck." She said as she wiped the tears off his check. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against him.

"If we weren't racing..." He muttered.

"I told you to." She told him softly. "It wasn't your fault..."

"I'm so sorry." He said as his hand rubbed her back.

"Where were we going?" She asked softly.

"Hmm?" Derek asked.

"Where were you taking me that day?" She questioned again.

"It's not important." Derek lied as he laid there. It was important. But not now. Not anymore.

-------------------

Derek laid there with Meredith in his arms. Her naked flesh was pressed softly against his. He could feel her smooth leg between his, her knee just grazing his manhood. Her abdomen was pressed tight against his. Her soft breathing was soothing. It made everything in the world absolutely perfect. The gentle rise and fall of her chest pressed her breasts against him, tickling his skin. The smell of her hair was light and fresh. And then there was the loud snoring. He even loved that, it drowned out everything else in the world.

"Hmm." She said as she pulled away and looked up at him.

"Good morning." He said as he kissed her nose.

"Morning..." She said with a faint smile on her lips.

"Did you sleep good?" He asked.

"I did, better than ever." She nodded as she buried her head in his chest.

"Good." He said as he ran his hands through her hair.

"I want to stay here all day..." She muttered.

"We could do that." He agreed. "Are you hungry?"

"I'm starved." She said with a giggle.

"I'll make breakfast. What do you want?" He asked as he looked down at her.

"Omelet." She said with a smirk. "With ham and cheese and whatever you can get in there."

"Coming right up. You stay here, I'll bring it to you..." He said as he pulled away and watched her close her eyes. He slid on his boxers and walked to the kitchen. Derek pulled out all of her favorite ingredients and started chopping. He tossed everything in and flipped it over. He didn't even hear her soft footsteps as she walked into the kitchen.

"I told you to wait." He said as he kissed her softly.

"And I was hungry." She said as she looked into the pan.

"Well, luckily it's ready." He said as he placed the omelets on the plates and sat them on the table.

"Yum!" She said as she took a bite of Derek's wonderful concoction.

"Good?" He asked with a smile.

"Wonderful!" She said as she continued to eat.

"So... Great sex. Great breakfast." He said with a smirk.

"Seriously, Derek." She said as she shook her head in shame, and then laughed.

"What?" He asked with a smirk. "So when is Adrien going to be back?" He asked as he looked up at her. She looked back but didn't answer. She continued to eat her breakfast and finally spoke.

"Tomorrow." She said as she took her last bite.

"And?" He asked as he looked at her.

"And now I need to take a shower." She said as she placed her dishes in the sink and walked off. "Must wash the sex off..."

"I could join you!" He suggested. "We could was the sex off and then wash it off again."

"You could..." She muttered. "But then those dishes wouldn't get done!" She said as she shut the door.

He shook his head and took his last bite of breakfast. He decided against joining her and did the dishes instead. He was just putting the last dish away when he heard the shower go off. He wiped the kitchen table off with a smile. Maybe he could just have her on the table instead. He was just putting the cloth back when he heard a knock at the door.

"Damn-it, Mark!" He said as he walked over and flipped the lock. His blue eyes were locked with another pair of blue eyes, and they didn't match Mark's. "Adrien..." He said in complete shock.

"You know... I am embarrassed to admit that my legs are killing me from last night. I haven't been stretched like that in--" Meredith looked up in shock as she saw Derek standing there with Adrien. A big lump formed in her throat as she looked at them both. There she was in her lacy bra and thong, and Derek was in his boxers. This was bad...


	30. Not So Secret Pain

"Adrien!" Meredith said in shock as she stood there. Derek looked over at her with raised eyebrows.

"What the fuck? What the- I can't believe this!" He said as he spun around.

She stood there in shock. She liked him. She loved him. She loved Adrien. She loved Derek. She loved them both. And to chose. To chose was hell. To be forced to choose was torture. To see the hurt in his eyes was painful. She couldn't do this. She couldn't leave it this way.

"Adrien! Wait! It's not what you think!" She yelled as she watched him begin to walk off. He stopped and turned on his heel.

"If it's not what I think... Then what exactly is it?" He asked as he stared into her green eyes.

"Um..." Meredith said as she stood there. He heart was beating a million times a minute. She was scared. Terrified even.

"Don't lie, Meredith. We had sex." Derek said frankly. "Hot sex."

"We- I- I-" She gasped as his eyes got wide.

"I- I never expected this. Not from you..." She said as his eyes started to well up and he walked angrily down the hall.

"Well, that was awkward..." Derek said as he stood there. Meredith's anger boiled. She was beyond angry. She was irate.

"Get out! Get out!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Her tears began to fall as she pushed him out the door, nearly knocking him down. "He didn't deserve to find out that way. There were other ways..." She screamed as she looked at him standing out in the hallway in his boxers.

"Mer! I-- I need my clothes." He finally said with a sigh.

Meredith rushed into the bedroom and gathered all of his clothes up in her hands. She rushed back to the door. He was still standing there when she opened the door. She threw them angrily at him and slammed the door shut.

Derek stood there in shock. He was wrong. She was wrong. She should have broke it off with him. She should have told Adrien. But at the same time, she did claim to love the annoying little frenchman. And he shouldn't have said it. He shouldn't have told him. There were ways of getting out of the mess they had created. More lies could have been created. But instead he sabotaged it. He sabotaged her and himself. It was jealous. Jealousy took him over. So there he stood, dressing in the hallway as Meredith's neighbor walked by.

"Rough..." He said with a chuckle.

"You have no idea." Derek muttered as he buttoned his shirt.

He could hear her stomping around inside the apartment. He needed his keys. He needed them and he did not want to ask for them. He stood there at the door, contemplating what to do next. He stared at the door. Finally he heard the stomping come closer. The door opened and she whipped his keys at him.

"Meredith!" He said as she looked into her fiery eyes.

"Fuck you, Derek." She said as she slammed the door.

She ran into her room and began hastily picking up the used condoms that had been carelessly thrown on the floor. She could feel it. The end. It was the end of everything. Lying always gets you in the end. And now she had gotten it full force. Everything she loved and cared about his slipped through her hands like sand. She lost it all. And now she was back to square one. Now she was alone.

The stress was too much. As she reached down to grab the last condom, her back seized up. It was tight, wrenching. It took her breath away. She collapsed on the floor. She couldn't move. The pain was too bad. She couldn't physically do it. And emotionally, she didn't want to.

----------------

"Mer!" Mark yelled as he walked into the apartment.

She wanted to yell. She wanted to scream. But she was at that point. She had been breathing slowly and shallowly for an hour. Or what she assumed to be an hour. Adrien hadn't come back. And she didn't think he would. And Derek. At the moment, she didn't want him to come back.

Mark walked around the apartment. In all the rooms. She wasn't there. He knew she had back problems the day before. He knew that Bailey had insisted that she take a few days off to rest. And yet, she wasn't there. She was missing. He glanced in his one room, not seeing her. After a few minutes, he walked farther into her room, seeing a foot. Just a lonely foot, connected to a broken body.

"Oh my God!" Mark said as he rushed to her side. "Mer..." He said as he looked into her eyes.

"Hurts..." She whispered as she looked up at him.

"What hurts? Your back?" He asked.

"Everything." She said as she closed her eyes.

Everything. What the hell had happened to her? He rushed into the kitchen and grabbed a muscle relaxer and a pain reliever. Grabbed a glass of water he walked back into the bedroom and helped her sit up. He watched as she sipped the water and laid back down. He gently scooped her up and laid her on the bed. She laid on her stomach as he rubbed her back.

"Mer..." He said softly.

She laid there with tears in her eyes. She felt like everything was crashing. Like she couldn't hold on. Mark wasn't doing it right. He wasn't making her feel better. She needed Derek. She wanted Derek. Or Adrien. She needed someone. But now she had no one.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I fucked up. I fucked up and now I'm alone." She said as she started to shake.

"Oh Meredith." Mark said, having a faint feeling about what she was talking about.

"I'm alone." She said as she sobbed.

"You're never alone. You have me." He said as he looked into her green eyes.

"I just wanted to be happy. Just a little bit..." She said as she rolled over and closed her eyes. Mark grabbed a throw blanket and covered her up. She needed to cry, and he needed to leave her alone. At least for the moment. At least until he found out what happened.

-----------------

She stayed in her apartment for two days. Two days of tequila. Two days of muscle relaxers. Two days of being dazed out of her mind. Two days and no one called. Not her mother. Not Richard. Not Derek. Not Adrien. Then a week at work. No one. No one noticed her. She had been isolated. Set aside. She knew she deserved it, and yet it hurt. It hurt to be cast off. To be left.

She had expected the rumors to have spread. They didn't. In fact, they were nonexistent. Adrien had actually been a good guy. He didn't say a word. Nothing about Meredith being nearly caught in the act. Nothing about Derek answering her door in his boxers. Nothing about Derek rubbing it in that they had sex. Nothing. It was as if nothing had changed. And yet, so much had.

"How's your back?" Mark asked as he stared at the board.

"It hurts." She said with a shrug. And that was the truth. Her stress came out in her back. And it was full force.

"Do you need more time off?" Mark asked as he looked over at her.

"Time will do nothing." She said sadly. "I made my bed." She said as she walked away. "Now I have to lay in it..." She muttered. She glanced up at Derek as they passed in the hallway. No acknowledgment. No words were said. No emotion. Nothing.

"What the hell was that?" Mark asked as he looked up at Derek.

"What was what?" Derek returned as he looked at the board.

"The total lack of communication." He said as he nodded at Meredith walking down the hall with her head down.

"She's not talking to me." He said frankly. "And I'm not talking to her." He said under his breath.

"What the hell happened? You guys were fine. Adrien was fine. Everything was fine..." Mark said as he looked at his friend.

"Nothing was ever fine." Derek told him. "She can't have it all..." He said as he shook his head and walked away.

He hustled down the wall, seeing her doubled over in a deserted corridor. His first reaction was to rush over and help her. But then the stubbornness kicked in. He walked over to her and looked down.

"I need an intern." He said coldly as he pretended that she wasn't in pain.

"Car-- Carter." She said as she straightened her back out, hand on her stomach.

"Where is he?" Derek asked quickly.

"Pit." She said as she gasped for air.

"Page him. Tests need to be run for room 319." He said as he turned on his heel and walked away.

"Derek..." She said in desperation.

"I don't want to talk to you. Get off your ass, and do your job. Page my intern." He said as he continued on.

She took a deep breath and had Danny Carter paged. She looked down at her watch. She was hungry. She slowly made her way to the cafeteria and sat in the corner with her tray. She looked down at her tray, feeling as if everyone of staff was watching her. Judging her. She took a bite of her peanut butter sandwich and glanced up at the line, seeing Adrien. They made eye contact and she quickly dropped her head.

Adrien looked over at Meredith slouched in the corner. She looked just about as bad as he felt. He felt as if he had been torn apart and organ at a time. And yet, as he laid in bed alone each night, he missed her. There was a piece of him missing that she had.

"Hey..." Kristy said as she sat down in front of Meredith.

"Hello." Meredith moaned as she took three squared of her Hershey bar and shoved it in her mouth.

"So, you've been... Absent." Kristy said as she picked through her salad.

"Mmm." Meredith muttered as she looked down.

"What's going on with you and Adrien?" Kristy said as she looked between them both. "I haven't seen you two talking at all."

"It's over, I guess." Meredith said as she began shoveling in Cheetos.

"What!" Kristy said in shock. "What do you mean, over?"

"Long story. Over." Meredith said as she fished through the other packages of chips and cookies, finally opening the double chocolate chunk.

"I have time." Kristy said with a smile.

"And I don't." Meredith replied as she ate.

"What is going on with you? You're eating a bunch of crap." She questioned.

"I like crappy food. And I'm hungry." Meredith retorted.

"Comfort food." Kristy nodded affirmatively. "You need a night. We need a night."

"I'm not in the mood." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"For tequila? You're always in the mood for tequila." Kristy said frankly.

"In my bed. I like tequila in my bed. And that's where I'll have it tonight. In my bed. Alone." Meredith said as she grabbed her tray and walked off, dumping her rubbish in the trash.

"Someone's bitchy." She said with a giggle as she watched Meredith walk away.

Adrien watched as Meredith walked away. She looked so irritated and depressed. Then he looked at Kristy. She was so blissfully ignorant. And then it hit him, it hit hard. He remembered the night at the restaurant. The night with Derek and Meredith.

[/i_"The woman. You said you were in love with someone else." Adrien said._

_"Oh yes..." Derek said with a smile. "She's amazing. She is the most beautiful woman I have even seen. Her smile makes my day better. No matter what has happened, one look at that smile, and I'm a new man. And she's smart and honest. She is perfect in every way." Derek said with awe. _

_"She sounds amazing..." Adrien said with an understanding smile. "How did you meet?" Adrien asked with raised brows._

_"We met at a party. She was avoiding someone. She stumbled into my lap. It was all over from there." Derek said._

_"Wow. I didn't realize you and Kristy went to parties." Adrien pointed out._

_"Oh... Oh no. I didn't just meet her. No. We met over a decade ago. Things happened. We lost touch. It was no one's fault. But it was the worse thing that ever happened to me. And now I just want to move forward. With her."[/i_

Move forward with her. No way. Not Meredith. She would have told him. She wouldn't have deceived him. She said it wasn't what it looked like. It was all a coincidence. He was overreacting. Maybe it was a one time lapse in judgment. Derek was getting divorced. Maybe he seduced her. Maybe there was no sex. Maybe he had made a mistake, walking away. He quickly walked to Kristy.

"How is she?" Adrien asked as he walked over to the table.

"Bitchy." Kristy said with a big nod. "What happened?"

"It's a long story." Adrien answered as he sat down with his coffee.

"Funny. That's exactly what she said." Kristy said with a nod. "She's miserable."

"Miserable?" He repeated.

"She just looks sad. Alone. I even tried to get her to go out. She said no." Kristy said sadly. "I think she's fallen back into her old trap... Falling asleep with the bottle in her hand..." She said with a frown. "But what can I do... This is Meredith we're talking about. Secretive. Sad. Holds it all in. Secret pain..."

"You have a point there." Adrien said as he stood up. "I have to go." He said with a nod. [i_Now what do I do?[/i_


	31. Confrontations

Meredith stood on her balcony. It was over, all over. Derek was angry with her for good reason. He had cut her out of his life. She knew why. It was because she told Adrien it was not what it looked like. In fact, if Adrien had stuck around, it would have been much worse. He would have heard her say it was a mistake. It was nothing. Anything to save her own ass. She was being selfish. It was because she had been scared. Scared of what she could lose. And she did. She lost it all.

The looks Adrien gave her started as disgust. As if she were some cheap whore, standing there begging for him to give her a ride. Now it was just pain. He was sad. Broken. At least when he was mad, it was easy for her. Now, seeing that she hurt him, that was worse, so much worse.

She had been up for two days. Two days of emergency this and that. Two days without even a peek in an on-call room. Derek was there too, but he looked over her like she didn't exist. And if he did catch her eye, it was by mistake. Then the look she received was as if she was something stuck to the bottom of his shoe. So there she stood, bottle of tequila in her hand, contemplating what to do.

She stood there, looking down. Down at the sidewalk. If she would lean just a little, she could be down there, a mess, bleeding out before everyone. How terribly dramatic that would be. The ultimate end to the Meredith Grey saga. But yet too easy. Life had been so much easier before. At least when she was in pain, she was in pain, period. Not this taste she had. It was a bitter taste that covered her mouth, ensnaring her senses. It was the taste of happiness followed by heartache. At least pain was pain. But this, this tasted like shit.

She slowly climbed up on the cement railing. It was wide. Eight inches, maybe a foot. She stood there looking down. It was invigorating. It was refreshing. The air felt so light and comfortable. She walked, one foot in front of the other. Balancing a bottle of tequila in her hand. She placed her hand flat, siting the bottle on her palm as she walked. She was on the tight rope of life. She wasn't contemplating whether or not to jump. She wouldn't do that. But it was nice to flirt. To know she had a choice. She felt the nearly-empty as it quickly slipped and crashed to the sidewalk below.

"Shit!" She said as she peered down. "That wasn't good." She muttered as she looked at the liquid seeping out of the broken glass, spreading like blood.

Adrien drove up to the upscale apartment building. He needed to talk to her. He needed her to know that he wasn't mad. He was. But not enough to keep causing her pain. Not enough to watch her walk around on a painful fog. Not enough for her to self-destruct. He glanced up at her apartment as he drove to the gates. He gasped as he looked up, seeing her standing on the railing. He quickly hit the gas, not waiting for the gate to open.

His heart was beating quickly as he sprinted down the hallway. He didn't have a key. There was no key. She was right there, getting ready to jump, and he was an apartment's length away. No way to save her. Her blood would run down the sidewalk and down the drain, and he couldn't save her. She would be gone, and he couldn't save her. He ran to the door. He wiggled the handle, it was locked. And the dead-bolt was probably locked too. He raised his leg and with all his strength, he kicked. He nearly knocked himself out as he fell backwards. In the heat of the moment, with adrenaline pumping, he barreled at the door. It burst open, wood splintering. Was he too late?

He watched as one foot slid down. Then the other. She was in a sitting position, feet dangling over the edge. He sprinted across the apartment, shoving the door open hastily. He quickly ran over and pulled her backwards off of the edge and onto himself. He laid back, her on top of him.

"What the hell are you doing?" She slurred slightly as she climbed off of him.

"I thought-- I was saving you!" He said quickly as he looked at her annoyed face.

"Saving me from what? Enjoying myself?" She spat as she glared at him.

"You were going to jump." He told her frankly.

"I wasn't going to jump! I think I'd know if I was going to jump." She said as she plopped down in the chair at the table. "Besides, if I was jumping, I wouldn't screw around. I'd just do it."

"You were walking on the edge." He pointed out as he sat in the chair next across from her.

"Yeah. I was playing trapeze." She said sarcastically.

"You're drunk. You're drunk and you were walking several stories up on the edge." He said in shock.

"I think we've went over this already." She said with a nod. "And I need more tequila, because there is only one of you. Either that, or I hit my head when you caused me to fall." She said as she stood up.

"Meredith." He said as he grabbed her hand.

"Don't bother." She said as she pushed his hand down and walked inside.

He sat there, looking at the ground. He wasn't sure if she was coming back out. He wasn't sure what to do. Even coming over, he hadn't come up with a solid plan. There was no plan of action to be carried out. He heard the door open and glanced up at Meredith, who took her bottle of tequila and laid down in a lounge chair.

"What the hell did you do to my door?" She asked angrily.

"I thought you were going to hurt yourself. I broke it." He said quickly.

"Well, thanks, thanks a lot." She muttered. She laid back, staring off onto space.

"I don't hate you." He finally said as he looked at her. She was laying back, looking at the gray sky.

"You should." She said frankly. "You really should."

"I don't. People make mistakes. You made a mistake. You're allowed to do that." He said softly as he closed the space in from the chair he was sitting to hers.

"Don't do that." He said as she glanced up at him.

"What?" He asked as he looked at her sadly.

"Don't be a good guy. I don't deserve it. I fucked a guy behind your back. Just walk away." She said as she looked off at the city.

Adrien's heart sank. His worst fears were confirmed. She had in fact, slept with Derek. She was admitting it. But looking at her, he couldn't help but hurt for her. His heart couldn't not break. She was remorseful. She was sad. She knew it was wrong. People move past these things. They could too.

"Meredith. You made a mistake. A big mistake." He said as he placed his hand on her cheek.

"Just go. Don't waste your time on me. I am a waste of time. I am a hailstorm of misery. Save yourself." She said as she took a big swig of tequila. "Go!" She yelled. "And pull my busted ass door shut when you leave." She yelled as she watched him walk off. She laid her head back and closed her eyes.

----------------------

Meredith opened her eyes and shivered. It was still dark. And it was cold, really cold. She looked up at the bright lights of the city. The lights were spectacular as the dazzled in her somewhat intoxicated state. She grabbed her head as she sat up. Seattle was so much prettier as it spun. She stumbled to her feet, and shakily walked to the door. Then it hit. Nausea. She rushed quickly, bouncing off of walls, as she could to the bathroom. She crashed heavily against the toilet as she retched.

She wasn't sure how long she had been there. Minutes. Hours, maybe. Either way, her insides were now outside. Her skin was damp from a cold sweat. She never remembered tequila doing this to her. But the again, she hadn't eaten in god knows how long. She hadn't slept, except for the short amount that she did in the cold air. So yeah, I guess tequila was kicking her butt.

Mark looked at the door as he approached. A little damaged. Someone had definitely taken their frustrations out on in. He slowly pushed it open, hazardly creeping inside, being sure to avoid the certain danger that was hidden. He made his way through the bedrooms, the kitchen, living room, there was nothing. He decided that it had to have been Meredith. Meredith or her many men. The urge to pee took him over as the third scotch finally hit bottom. He didn't bother flipping the light on as he walked in and whipped it out. His foot kicked something. The scent of vomit filled his nostrils.

"If you piss on me, I'll kill you." Meredith growled as she grabbed his leg. He quickly tucked himself in and flipped on the light.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked her in shock as he looked down.

"Dying..." She said. "Oh god!" She moaned before retching again.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he bent down.

"Oh I'm great." She said as she laid down on the floor. "Just pee. I won't be out of here anytime soon." She said as she closed her eyes.

"You're burning up." He said as he felt her head.

"I'm fine..." She said as she laid her face on the cold hard tile.

"How much did you drink?" He asked, smelling the liquor wafting in the air.

"I don't know." She muttered. "A bottle."

"A bottle! God, Mer..." He said as he shook his head in disappointment. He walked out and returned with aspirin and water. "Take this." He said as he handed it to her. She sat up and drank the water down.

"Shit!" She muttered a few minutes later as she began to retch. She felt his firm hand on her back. "Can you bring me a blanket and pillow?"

"You're going to sleep in here?" He asked in shock.

"Yeah. I'm hot and cold. I can't stop puking." She said as she looked up at him.

"You're not sleeping in here." He said as he picked her up and carried her to the chair on the living room. She curled up as he walked off, bringing a trash can back with him.

"I think I'm dying..." She said as she closed her eyes and shivered.

Mark watched her until she began to snore. He slept on the sofa, waking up every couple of hours to check on her. Her temperature was high, but not high enough to rush her in. She was either pale or flushed when he would look up at her. Even with her blankets, she would shiver. He didn't know what else he could do. He did know there was no way she would make it to work in the morning.

-----------------

"Oh god!" Meredith cried as she ran into the bathroom.

"I think you need to be checked out." Mark said as he watched her walk back into the kitchen.

"I'm okay. It's just this damn schedule. It's killing me." She said with a moan.

"When was the last time you ate?" Mark asked as he looked up at her, putting her shoes on.

"Late night." She said frankly.

"Okay... When was the last time you ate something and it didn't come back up?" He asked smartly.

"I don't know." She muttered as she pulled her boots on. "It's just a stomach thing or whatever."

"You need to get it checked out. You work at a hospital to cure disease. Not spread it." He said quickly.

"Yeah yeah." She muttered as she pulled her jacket on and opened the door.

Meredith made sure she had her bag by her side as she drove to the hospital. She couldn't get far without throwing her insides up. It had been a few days, and her attendings were starting to get concerned. Everyone was getting concerned, and she was trying not to.

Life was a mess. She and Derek still weren't talking. At least at this point, they weren't giving each other dirty looks and yelling. They were just pretending one another didn't exist. And Adrien was being as nice as can be. She knew if she gave the nod, he would be right back with her. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to act.

"Where the hell are my interns!" She shouted from the middle of the hallway. She was tired of chasing them down. She felt like shit, and she didn't want to deal with them today.

"Uh, I'm sure they're around here somewhere." A nurse said as she walked by.

"They damn well better be!" She shouted as she looked down at a pile of charts. "Fucking interns." She spat angrily.

"Such language..." Adrien said as he walked up.

"Sorry." She muttered as she flipped a chart open. She took a deep breath and held her stomach as it began to flip flop.

"Are you okay?" Adrien asked as he looked over.

"Yeah... I... Oh... I'm okay." She said as she straightened up. "There you worthless suckers are." She said as she saw them trail over to her. "From now on, you find me. On time. I don't want to track your asses down, period. It is a privilege for you to be here, act like it!" She yelled.

"We-" Jacob Weathers started.

"Shut your damn mouth." Meredith spat.

"God, someone is being Bitc-" Daniel Carter started to say.

"Don't you dare finish that." Meredith said as she glared at him. "Since you guys are so freaking smart... Carter, I know you love rectals. Have at it. Pierce, you get the pit. Sutures unlimited, I hear. Mather, my post-op notes. And let's try to do a good job, alright? If i can't read them, you can can do them over. Weathers, you get the clinic. And Eastman, Dr. Daniels."

"Hey! Why does she get the good assignment?" Mather spat as he looked at her.

"Are you seriously going there?" Meredith said as she glared at him.

"Okay..." Carter rushed off. Mather followed him. "Someone needs to get laid."

"Excuse me?" Meredith shouted. The kept walking.

"Sorry, Dr. Grey." Dina said with a faint smile.

"Dr. Daniels is waiting." Meredith said as she placed her hands on the counter and sighed.

"Are you okay?" Adrien asked as he walked up.

"No." Meredith said frankly. "No."

"Would you like to get some coffee?" He asked with a smile. She looked at him and sighed.

"Yeah. I think I would." Meredith said with a nod.

"So how are you doing?" Adrien asked as they approached the coffee cart.

"Why? Why ask me? Why be nice?" Meredith asked with a frown.

"Because I am nice. And because I believe in forgiveness." He said as he ordered her mocha latter.

Meredith sat down and began sipping her coffee. She glanced up and caught Derek's eye as he walked in the entrance. It was just a second. But it felt like forever. She could tell he was still mad at her. The knot in her stomach grew as she felt the mental daggers hitting her. She looked at the floor, not able to take the guilt.

"You shouldn't. Some things shouldn't be forgiven." Meredith said softly.

"Meredith. Look at me." Adrien said as he looked up at her. She turned and faced him.

"I miss you. You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. You made a mistake. I can get over it. I can forgive." He said as he looked into her eyes.

"I don't deserve it. You don't understand..." She said as she looked at her coffee.

"Why do you insist on hating yourself so much?" He asked as he placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Because, if I hate myself more than everyone else does... It's easier." She said as she stood up.

"I still love you." He said loudly as she walked away.

-----------------

Meredith sat in the back of the gallery. It was pretty much empty. She just needed to escape. She had a long surgery earlier. Her feet were killing her. Her back was killing her. And she was starving. She looked down at the bowel resection that Dr. Bailey was doing. She admired the way she worked so confidently. It seemed that lately, all of Meredith's confidence had flown out the window.

She sat in the back of the room, eating her animal crackers and drinking her soda. She wasn't a fan of soda, but it was the only fizzy thing in the machine, and the fizz seemed to soothe her stomach. She stared off into space, not even noticing Derek sitting in the other far corner, studying her.

The room emptied out. The OR was now empty. And there she sat. She was in another place. She was thinking. Thinking about what to do. How to more on. Where to go from here. She looked up when she heard someone caught. She saw Derek, sitting at the opposite end, reading.

"Fine!" She yelled. The anger was boiling. "I get that you fucking hate me! Are you happy?" She shouted as she stood up. "I get it." Derek looked up at her and chuckled. "What?" She spat.

"I don't hate you." He said with a snort.

"Yes you do." She grumbled.

"If I hated you, you'd know it." He said frankly. "And so would I."

"Well, it sure feels like you do." She said as she paced back and forth.

"I don't hate you. Pissed, yes. Fucking pissed. But not hate." He said as he watched her.

"Okay. Fine. You have a right to be pissed. But so do I. You're an asshole. A real big fucking asshole. Do you hear me?" She yelled as she pointed at him.

"How could I not? You're yelling at me." He said nonchalantly.

"Yeah. An asshole. You- Ah! You-- Why did you do that? Why did you have to do that to him?" Meredith spat.

"Why? Why! Maybe because you string me along. You hide. We sneak around. I feel like a second rate piece of shit. I feel like you are using me." He said frankly.

"Using you? For what? Sex. Let me tell you, you're not that good!" She yelled as she lied to his face.

"Oh really. Well you seem to enjoy it. Enough that you fuck around on your boyfriend." He said as he stood up.

"That's funny Derek. Really funny. I was happy... I like- I love him. And I chose him and you showed up. You showed up and- Ah! You! You! I was staying away. I was..." She said as she paced.

"You were not happy!" Derek said as he shook his head. "And I did not force you to have sex. In fact, you were all to eager to spread your legs like a--" He started to say. Her eyes turned red with fire as she raised her hand and smacked him.

"Why?" She gasped as she looked up at him. "How could you?" She said as she began to cry. She opened the door and rushed out.

"Meredith! I didn't mean that. I'm sorry." He yelled to deaf ears. "Shit..." He muttered as he walked down the stairs, running his hands through his hair.

**Things need to come to a boil before anything major can happen... I know I'm testing your patience!**


	32. War

Derek began working on his case. He couldn't get the thoughts of what he said to Meredith out of his head. It was an impulse. He didn't mean it. He was just getting frustrated with her. Frustrated with her. With Adrien. With the situation. It was too much. He looked down at his patients' brain. Every once in awhile, he'd look up to the gallery to see if she was there. She wasn't.

"Dr. de Gaulle is on his way." A scrub nurse said as she looked over at Derek.

"Thank you." He muttered as he continued on.

He needed at cardio surgeon. The patient needed and aortic repair. Could Meredith do it? Of course not. It had to be de Gaulle. He had to stand next to a man whom he loathed. Not because of him. Because of the situation. Because Adrien wanted to same that he did. And he wasn't doing it. He wasn't sharing.

"de Gaulle." Derek said with a nod.

"Shepherd." de Gaulle muttered as he approached the table.

Adrien began working on his patient. Every once in awhile, he would glance up at Derek. The looks they shared were far from friendly. More like two men ready to attack each other. Two men vying for the something. Two men now on a mission.

They worked for a long time in silence. The tension was high. It was thick. Operating room two was far too small for both men. Their egos were large. Their anger immense. It was only a matter of time before the room exploded.

"How is it going down there, Dr. de Gaulle?" Derek asked.

"I think I know how to do my job, thank you." Adrien spat as he glanced up. "And the brain? How is the brain? Maybe we should call in another neurosurgeon. Two heads are always better than one." Adrien retorted as he looked up. "Especially when one doesn't know what he's doing..." He said under his breath.

"You don't become a world class surgeon by not knowing what you're doing." Derek replied frankly with a glare.

"Ah... But you do become a second-rate one." Adrien snapped.

"I did four years at Johns-Hopkins, then another-" Derek started to say.

"I think I know your credentials. You don't have to list them for me." Adrien told him as he worked. The nurses became wide-eyed as they watched the men argue.

"I'm not sorry you found out. But I am sorry you found out that way." Derek told him.

"Well, that is quite funny, as you were the one that pointed it out so eagerly." Adrien said quickly. "I didn't see you as the type."

"What type would that be?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"The kind to take what's not yours." Adrien spat as he glared at Derek.

"You never owned what you thought you owned. There is no owning it. And maybe if you treated it right. Maybe if you kept it satisfied..." Derek said with a smirk. He didn't want the nurses to know who or what he was talking about.

"Oh. It was satisfied. Very satisfied. You're fooling yourself if you think it wasn't." Adrien said with a laugh.

"Well, usually happy things don't look for other things. They don't search out if they are happy with what they have." Derek told him.

"I think I'm done here." Adrien said as he stepped away from the table. He walked over to Derek. "She's mine."

"I'm glad you think so. It's nice to see someone who still has hope when he doesn't have a chance in hell." Derek returned.

"We shall see, Dr. Shepherd. We shall see..." He said as he walked out of the OR.

"I wonder what they were talking about..." A scrub nurse mutter quietly.

"What's that?" Derek said loudly.

"I was just-" She started.

"Don't read into things. It's a waste of time." Derek snapped as he looked up.

Derek glanced into the scrub room. Adrien gave him a cocky smirk. It was a challenge. A fight. He never backed down. He never wimped out. And he wasn't going to start anytime soon.

--------------------

Meredith laid her head back as she sat down in the chair. Her nausea was still kicking up every once in awhile. Her back was killing her and her feet hurt. It was a bad day a long shift. And Derek called her a whore. The man she loved more than anything, called her a whore. She knew he was angry. She knew he was upset with her. But she never expected him to say it.

"Hey." Kristy said as she plopped down in the chair next to her.

"Hey." Meredith said as she glanced over.

"You look like you need a drink." She said with a smile.

"I feel like I need a drink." Meredith agreed as she laid her head to the side.

"Well, let's go." Kristy said exuberantly.

"I'm tired." Meredith moaned as she closed her eyes.

"You'll wake up when we get to Joe's." Kristy said with a happy nod.

"I'm not sure I want to wake up." Meredith moaned as she laid there.

"Come on... Please?" Kristy asked as pulled her hand.

"Fine. One drink." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Yay." Kristy said as she jumped around.

"You realize you look like an idiot, right?" Meredith asked as she rolled her eyes.

"Of course." Kristy agreed. "I'm going to change. I'll meet you in the lobby."

"You look happy." Adrien said as he sat a chart down and looked up.

"Yep. I finally get to spend some time with my friend." She said with a smile. "We're going to Joe's."

"Joe's huh?" Adrien asked with a smile

"Uh huh. Well, see you later." Kristy said with a grin as she walked off.

Adrien walked down the hall with a smile on his face. He knew exactly where he was going the minute he left the hospital. Derek had proposed a silent challenge. It was going to be a war. A war and he was going to fight like hell. He glanced over at Derek as he walked by.

"Looks like I will be fighting round one without you in the ring." He muttered as he walked by.

"Now that doesn't sound like a fair fight to me." Derek returned. "I thought you were above that."

"Funny." Adrien spat. "I thought you were above fucking my girlfriend." He said as he continued on. He had to change, and he had to hurry. He wasn't missing this chance.

------------------

"So this is fun, right?" Kristy said with a smile as she peeled a peanut and tossed the shell.

"Oh yes." Meredith said sarcastically.

"I'm single. Almost single and I--" She started to say as she sipped her drink.

"But you're- I thought you wanted Derek back." Meredith said with confusion.

"Are you kidding me? He was right. I am happy. Do you know how it feels to have hit guys look at you and know that if I wanted to, I could take them home?" Kristy said happily. "It's invigorating! It's wonderful!"

"Seriously?" Meredith asked, in shock by the change in her tune. [i_That was fast...[/i_

"Oh yeah. Yesterday I kissed a guy by the darts. He was hot and I just- I did it." She siad with a giggle.

"But you wanted Derek back..." Meredith said quickly.

"I did. But Derek is miserable. I didn't realize how much he brought me down until he was gone." She told her.

"Hey can I buy you ladies a drink?" A guy asked as he walked up.

"You bet your ass you can!" Kristy said quickly.

"Actually, I was just leaving." Meredith said as she grabbed her purse. [i_You have got to be kidding me![/i_

"Like hell." Kristy said as she grabbed her arm. "She'll have a shot of tequila." Meredith rolled her eyes and nodded.

"So... What are two pretty girls like you doing here." He asked with a smirk.

"Getting over assholes." Kristy said with a nod.

"I think I could help you out there." He said with a seductive grin. Meredith gave him a pathetic look and threw her shot back.

"So what do you do?" Kristy asked him.

"I'm an attorney, actually." He said with a smirk.

"So you're not a doctor?" She said with a happy sigh.

"No." He responded.

"Good." Kristy told him.

"So. What kind of attorney are you?" Meredith asked, looking up at the guy who was definitely not an attorney. [i_Attorney my ass. Loser. Idiot. Any of those would work.[/i_

"Um..." He hesitated. "Criminal."

"Hmm..." She said with raised brows. "What do you think about the Harrisburg case?" Meredith questioned, talking about a very big recent case that everyone knew about.

"Um..." He said with a sigh.

"Get your ass out of here." She spat. "I wouldn't have cared what you do for a living. But definitely don't like liars." She said as she turned away from him. He quickly walked off.

"Mer!" Kristy said quickly.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"He was hot. He was hot and you ran him off." Kristy grumbled.

"He was also a liar." Meredith pointed out.

"Well, as long as he was good in bed, I don't care what he is." Kristy said frankly.

"My my. Aren't we a little whore." Meredith said with a chuckle.

"Hey, my husband was horrible in bed. I am just sampling." Kristy said with a laugh.

"Derek? Bad in bed?" Meredith asked with a smirk. [i_Interesting. Very interesting. He went from being eleven inches to shit. Amazing what splitting up does...[/i_

"Oh god yes. It was okay. If he ever got hard. And then it was non stop work to get anywhere. I just as soon use Johnny." She laughed.

"Johnny?" Meredith asked. Then it hit her. "Oh!" She said as she laughed and slammed her shot back. "Johnny..."

"He looks like he would be good. But I can attest." Kristy explained.

"Yeah..." Meredith muttered. [i_But he is good. Really, really good.[/i_

"Oh, imagine seeing you here." Adrien said with a smirk as he sat down. Meredith's heart jumped into her throat as she looked over at him.

"I need another shot." Meredith shouted. "Or two!" [i_Welcome to hell, Meredith![/i_

"I'm that bad, huh?" He asked with a chuckle.

"You have no idea." Meredith said frankly. [i_I'd rather jam a hypodermic needle in my eye.[/i_

"I'll have a beer." Adrien told Joe.

"Right away, doc." Joe said as he grabbed one and sat it in front of him.

"So. What were we talking about before I came in?" Adrien asked.

"Um... Johnny." Meredith finally said.

"Yep. Mer needs a Johnny. Then she wouldn't need-" Kristy started before Meredith kicked her in the leg. "Ouch!"

"So how was your day?" Adrien asked, ignoring the current conversation.

"Fine." Meredith muttered as she looked down. She knew she shouldn't have come. Her gut instinct was right. "I have to go to the bathroom." She said quickly as she walked away.

She was off. Definitely not close to sober. She sighed as she laid her head back against the wall. The exact same wall that she and Derek had sex against not to long ago. She missed it. She missed him. She contemplated how to get out of this situation. Maybe she could sneek against the wall and out the door. But then she didn't have a way home. There was no way she could drive. And to wait for a cab out in the cold didn't sound like fun either. She slowly walked out, scanning the bar. She caught a glance of something that made her sick. It was Derek. With a woman.

"We thought you fell in." Kristy said with a giggle.

"No." Meredith said as she sat down. She glanced slightly at Derek. She didn't want Adrien to see what she was looking at.

"You saw it, right?" Kristy asked as she looked over.

"Saw what?" Meredith asked nonchalantly.

"That." She said as she pointed over at Derek. The blond to his side hand her hand on his shoulder and was laughing heartily.

"Oh." Meredith said as she looked over. She could see the hurt in Adrien's eyes out of her peripheral vision.

"Tacky. I didn't expect it. Not from him." Kristy said as she looked over. "Whatever. I don't care." She said as she took a drink.

"Well, I expected it." Adrien said and then quickly dropped his head.

"What do you mean?" Kristy asked in shock.

"Oh. Just the big ego. That's all." Adrien said with a shrug.

Meredith casually glanced over at Derek. He didn't see her. Maybe he noticed. Maybe he didn't care. Maybe he had moved on. It made her sick. To see him. To see another woman with him. It was cruel. Kristy was one thing. He was with her before he found out. But now he had moved on. And it hurt like hell.

Derek glanced up at Meredith. His heart sank. He had a feeling she was there. And there she was, sitting next to Adrien. And there he was, sitting next to some bar whore who's name he didn't even know. He wanted to break away. He wanted to go over there. But he couldn't. He wouldn't do that to her. He wouldn't walk over and hurt Kristy. And hurt Meredith by doing it in front of her friend. He sucked it up. Round one goes to the Frenchman.

"Are you okay, Mer?" Kristy asked.

Derek looked up. He caught her eye. Her heart began to beat. Faster. Faster. Blue and Green. Faster and faster. Two hearts connected. Faster and faster. Soul mates. Faster and faster. Waiting for their silent speak. Their mind talk. There was none. Then it stopped. Her heart stopped as he turned away from her and looked at his companion.

"I have to go. I- I need to go." She said as she jumped up from the bar. She fished for bills in her purse and threw them down before rushing out.

"Let me drive you home." Adrien said as he put his hand on the small of her back and led her out. She nodded her head and followed him to her car.

It was over. She treated him bad. She denied him. She left him in limbo. And now it was over. He called her a whore. He called her a whore and he didn't apologize. He did. But not in Derek fashion. I was over. And now the question was, whether to settle or not.

Adrien grabbed her her and opened the door. She had a lot to drink. But not too much. Not typical for her. This daze she was in. It was Derek induced. She stared off into space. She wasn't there. Not mentally.

"Come on." He said as he opened the door and led her in.

She walked in and pulled her shoes off. He followed her into her room. She pulled her blankets back. She changed her clothes and crawled under. Not even noticing him there. Not even seeing that he had stayed with her.

"Meredith." He said as he sat down on the bed. She looked up at him with fresh eyes.

"Hmm?" She asked.

"He doesn't love you." Adrien said quickly. "If he did, he wouldn't have told me that morning. He would have protected you. And he would be fighting for you. Not taking girls to the bar. She came in with him. He doesn't love you. I'm sorry." He lied. She shook her head as she laid down, the tears falling as she looked away.

"Give me a chance. I may not be the guy. But I could try." He said as he stroked her hair. She nodded her head.

Maybe he was right. She was willing to make it work with Derek. All say, she thought about it. What to do. And now, all that was out the window. He wanted to move on. He wanted to leave her. Even with Kristy, they always shared their look. Not today. Today it had changed.

**I know, I know. You need not kill me. Not yet anyway!**


	33. Results May Vary

"You came in late last night. Are you still puking your guts-" Mark started to say as he looked up. "Oh." He said as he looked at Adrien. "Oh..." He said as he looked over at Meredith.

"Morning." Adrien said as he looked up at Mark.

"Morning." He said as he looked at Meredith.

"I haven't seen you in awhile." Mark said smartly.

"You'll be seeing more of me." Adrien replied. "I have to shave." He said as he kissed Meredith on the head and walked away.

"What the hell is that? I thought we got rid of Frenchy." Mark said quickly as he motioned to the bathroom.

"I- I don't know..." Meredith sighed as she looked down at the coffee that was making her nauseous.

"What about Derek?" Mark asked matter-of-factly.

"What about him?" She asked as she began to tear up. "He moved on." She said as she walked over and dumped her coffee in the sink. "I finally did it. I pushed him away."

"What are you talking about?" Mark said with confusion.

"He hates me. He says he doesn't... It's all my fault. I pushed him away. I alienated him. He didn't deserve it. I kept him in limbo. I ruined the best thing I ever had." Meredith said as she sat in the chair and started putting her boots on.

"Pull him back." Mark said quickly.

"No. No, because I don't want to be the one... I destroy people. And I am done." Meredith told him.

"What about Adrien?" Mark asked.

"I don't know... I'm sure I'll hurt him too. But I told him. I told him that I will hurt him. He seems convinced that he can save me. There is no saving me. Not now." She said as she pulled her shoes on.

"Are you ready?" adrien asked as he walked in.

"I suppose so..." Meredith muttered as she started to walk out. "Shit!" She muttered as she ran back in. She rushed into the bathroom.

"Mer... Are you okay? You've been in there a long time. I have surgery." He said quickly.

"I- Just leave." She told him.

"I'll take her." Mark said as he walked to the door. Adrien looked at him and nodded.

"Okay... I'll see you there." Adrien said as he rushed out. Meredith emerged from the bathroom after a half an hour.

"I'm okay." She said with a nod.

"Sure. Sure you are. After the accident... Your body is so screwed up..." He said, rolling his eyes. "And today you are getting checked out. Period." She rolled her eyes and followed him out the door.

-----------------

Meredith walked down the hallway. Her interns were on assignment and she had back to back surgeries. It was going to be a very long, very busy day. And of course she didn't have coffee or breakfast. She was running on empty and the day just started. She yelped when she felt someone grab her arm from behind and pull her.

"Hey!" She shouted at Mark as she looked up. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I am taking your blood." He said frankly. "You are sick."

"I am fine!" Meredith said as she started to walk out. "And I have surgery."

"Too dam bad. You have a second. They can't start without you." Mark said frankly.

"Fine. But you are wasting your time. It's probably the tequila. Or the fact that I haven't gotten a full nights sleep in a long time." She said as she rolled her sleeve up.

"Or your body could be shutting down." Mark said quickly.

"My body could be shutting down?" She said with a laugh. "How the hell did you become a doctor?"

"Hell if I know." Mark said with a shrug.

"Oh god." Meredith said as she closed her eyes tightly.

"Oh come on... You baby!" Mark said as he watched her blood flow.

"I hate needles." She pouted.

"You picked the wrong field." Mark joked as he watched her open her eyes and quickly closed them.

"It hurts." She moaned.

"It does not." Mark laughed as he looked at her closed eyes.

"Does." She argued.

"That's funny, seeing how I pulled the needle out awhile ago." Mark said with a chuckle. Her eyes flew open and she looked down.

"You ass!" She yelled as she smacked him playfully.

"I know." He said as he walked out of the room. "Take this to the lab." Mark told a nurse as he handed her the blood work. "You better pick that up later." He said as he looked over at her.

"Yeah, yeah." She muttered as she walked down the hallway. Meredith walked into the scrub room, seeing Danny Carter scrubbing his hands.

"Hmm... Did I really ask you to scrub in?" She asked as she started scrubbing her fingernails.

"You did." He said with a smirk.

"Imagine that." Meredith said as she shook her head. She bumped the door with her hip and walked in. She dried her hands with the surgical towel and stood there as the nurse gloved her up. "Good morning, everyone. Let's do this..." She said with a smile as she nodded at the anesthesiologist.

"Ten blade." She muttered as she stuck her hand out. "Carter, you retract."

"Yes, ma'am." He said with a nod. "So how are you feeling?" He asked as he looked up at her.

"I'm fine. Why would you ask?" She questioned as she glanced up.

"You've been puking your guts out. And honestly, you're looking like you walked out of the night of the living dead." He said frankly.

"Oh. Thanks." She said as she glared at him. "Just stress and a lack of sleep." She explained. "Shit! Lap pads. I need lap pads." She said as she looked down at the heavy bleeding. "Move!" She snapped at a nurse and she leaned in and began working on the new problem.

"I think you got it." Danny said in shock.

"If course I did. I've always got it." Meredith said frankly. She glanced up to the gallery and her heart stopped. Derek was standing there looking down at her. When she caught his eye he smiled softly. She smiled and looked back down at her patient.

The rest of the surgery was uneventful. Carter was on his best behavior and refrained from his usual comments and rudeness. Her feet were already aching, her back was sore and her stomach was growling. She quickly scrubbed out and walked out of the room, running right into Derek.

"We need to talk." He said softly as he looked into her eyes.

"Okay." She nodded softly. He was right. They did need to talk. Avoidance wasn't getting her anywhere.

Meredith's heart was beating quickly as she followed him down the hallway. She didn't want to be broken. She didn't want him to say what she thought he might. Seeing him with another woman last night made her sick. She didn't want to see him with someone else. She just had to decide what she would do about it. They both walked into the doctor's lounge and Derek closed the door behind her. She smiled as she saw a refrigerator.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he watched her opened the door and grab an oreo pie.

"I'm hungry." She said as she looked down at the half eaten pie and grabbed a fork.

"That's someone's pie!" Derek said as she began taking bites.

"And it's good." She said with a big smile as she closed her eyes and savored the large bite.

"You..." He muttered as he watched her. "Some things never change."

"I didn't have breakfast." She said quickly.

"Are you feeling better? Everyone is talking..." He said as he cocked his head.

"I- I'm sure I'm fine." She said with a sigh. "Just stress."

"Maybe you need to get rid of your stress." He said as he stood up and rubbed her shoulders.

"Easier said than done." Meredith said frankly.

"I know." He agreed as he rubbed her shoulders firmly. She moaned as she ate her pie and felt his hands on her. "I didn't know that girl." He said quickly.

"It's fine Derek... If you want to move on." She said sadly as she took another bite.

"No, Mer. I don't want to move on." He said as he stopped rubbing and sat in front of her, looking into her eyes. "I've told you that over and over again."

"But you brought her in with you." She stated, still eating her pie.

"I did not!" He said in shock. "Why would you think that?"

"Adrien said she came in with you." Meredith said almost ready to cry.

"That lying bastard. I didn't even know her. I went to see if you were there. I didn't see you, I figured I'd have a scotch and go home. Then I saw you with Adrien. I didn't want to come over. Not with Kristy there. I didn't want to do that to you. Or her." Derek explained.

"Oh." Meredith said as her eyes started tearing up. "I didn't go there with him. He showed up. I was there with Kristy."

"I never meant to say what I did to you. I was a jerk..." Derek said softly. "I was just frustrated. You... Loving you is frustrating." He said with a sigh.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" She said as she collapsed against him. "I don't want to hurt you anymore." She said as she sobbed. She jerked when her pager went off. "Shit! My patient." She said in shock as she looked at him. "This is bad. I have to-" She said as she ran out quickly.

Derek sat there and sighed. He looked down at the pan on the table. She had eaten nearly the whole half of a pie. He couldn't believe it. But then again, she was under a lot of stress. There was just a small bite left. He picked up her fork and ate it. It really was pretty good. He sat there and absorbed what had just happened. Adrien was playing dirty. He didn't think he had it in him. He looked like such a quiet, innocent man. And yet he was willing to fight. Did he not know that Meredith didn't love him? And now he had lied to her. And now she knew it. Round two goes to the so-called second-rate surgeon.

------------------

Meredith stumbled down the hallway in a fog. Her patient had busted a stitch. And he wasn't laughing. That was no big deal. She opened him up, did a simple repair, and he was back in recovery. No. The problem wasn't that guy. Or the second. It was the last one. It wasn't her fault. It happens. After six hours in surgery, she was gone. A grandmother. A mother. A wife. Gone. She walked down to the waiting area and saw the happy family perk up as she neared.

"How is she?" The woman's husband asked as she neared.

"I'm sorry." Meredith said sadly.

"What? What-" The daughter asked as she looked up.

"We lost her. I'm so sorry." Meredith said as she sat there. It killed her. To see people so broken up. So hurt. So much like herself.

"How?" They asked in shock as they sobbed heavily.

"It was coming off of the anesthesia. She had a reaction. There was no way to know." Meredith explained.

"Did she suffer?" He husband asked through tears.

"No. No she didn't." Meredith said as she began to tear up.

"Thank you Dr. Grey. I know you tried." The daughter said as she pulled her close and hugged her. Meredith nodded as she turned and walked away. It never got easier.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked as she stopped onto the elevator.

"I lost my patient." Meredith said as she began to sob.

"Meredith..." He said as she pulled her close, her face resting on his chest, tears soaking through to his skin. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm so tired." She said as she cried.

"Would you like me to take you home?" Derek asked softly.

"No. That's okay. I think I'm going to stay here." She said as the door opened. "I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks, Derek."

"You'll be okay." He said with a smile as the door shut.

Meredith slowly trudged down the hallway. She needed an on-call room. She needed to get some sleep. She felt like the world was going in slow motion. It felt like she was moving at a snail's pace as she walked pass the nurse's station. The on-call rooms were in sight. Just a few paces.

"Hey." Mark said as he stopped her.

"Bed." She muttered as she kept walking,

"Lab results." He said quickly. "Go get them. Don't make me walk you there."

"Ah." She moaned. He quickly grabbed her arm as they walked down to the lab.

"Meredith Grey." Meredith said to the tech. "I'm here. See? You can go now. I'm here, then I'm going to bed."

"You don't want me to stay?" Mark asked.

"No. Bed for me after this. And I'm sure this will be nothing." She told him

"Fine." Mark said as he kissed her temple and walked away. "Goodnight."

"Here you go, Dr. Grey." The tech said as he handed her the page.

She folded it in half and tucked it into her pocket as she walked down the hallway and to the on-call room. She needed to get a bed, which sometimes was hard to do in this place. She smiled as she saw a completely empty room. She went to the bathroom and sat in the chair as she pulled her shoes off. He looked down at the paper sticking out of her pocket. She began reading. Halfway down the page, her heart stopped. She felt sick. Stomach flopping. She began to sweat.

"I'm- I'm pregnant?" She said in shock as she struggled to breathe. "Oh my god..." She cried out. She sat there, staring into space in shock.

Finally, she mustered up the strength and crawled into the bed. She curled up in the fetal position. Pregnant. She was pregnant. As in with child. As in having a baby. As in a major complication. A responsibility. She hadn't been able to take care of herself. And now- Now a baby. It made her sick as she began to sob loudly. She pulled the blanket over herself and cried. How could this be happening? And more importantly... Who was the father?


	34. Acceptance

Meredith laid in the on-call room bed. She was now silent. Not because the tears had quit flowing. Not because she was happy. Not because everything was okay. Because someone now occupied the bed above her. She laid there, eyes closed, her hand on her stomach. It was unbelievable. She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to be a mom. She had to finish her residency. She had her fellowship. She was being pulled in all directions. And now she didn't just have to worry about herself. She had to worry about a baby too.

Sleep finally came. She kept her hand on her stomach. She was instinctively protecting her child. Protecting it from the world. From the cruel, cruel world. From the mess she had created. From herself. Even as she slept, thoughts flowed in and out of her mind like a violent wind. Who was the dad? How far along was she? The drinking. How would the drinking affect her child? And the fact that she hadn't eaten or slept in the past few weeks. These concerns didn't leave her. And they wouldn't be anytime soon.

"Dr. Grey..." Dina said as she shook her lightly.

"Sleep." Meredith moaned as she rolled away from her.

"Dr. Grey. We need assignments." Dina said softly as she placed her hand on her shoulder.

"What time is it?" Meredith asked as she opened her swollen eyes.

"Five thirty." Dina told her as she looked at her watch.

"Five thirty!" Meredith said as she sat up. "How long have you guys been sitting on your asses?"

"A long time. An hour... Everyone else was afraid to come in and wake you up." Dina said frankly.

"They're smart." Meredith agreed. She grabbed her shoes and put them on. She paused for a minute as she saw the paper in her pocket. She grabbed it out. _It was just a dream. Just a dream..._ She frowned when she scanned over it. Not a dream. Not even close.

"Okay!" Meredith said as she walked out of the room. She had to put on her everything would be okay, happy face. "Let me see what is going on." She said as she walked around, looking at charts and at the board. "We need to round." She said as she walked off tiredly.

She went through rounds as quickly as she could. The nausea... Morning sickness. Morning sickness that was full force this morning. She assigned her interns to cases. Derek smiled at her as she walked in the room. Adrien smiled when she went in his patient's room. Neither mattered. Not right now. Right now she was holding on to something much more important.

"What do you want me to do?" Dina asked as she looked around.

"I need your help." Meredith told her quietly. "But only if you can keep the utmost professionalism. And you must keep quiet."

"Of course." Dina said quickly.

"Come on." Meredith said as she walked her to an empty room that she had prepared. She quickly ran to the wastebasket and retched. She wiped her mouth as she walked over to her.

"What are we doing here?" Dina asked as she looked around.

"I need you to do an ultrasound... A- A sonogram." Meredith said nervously.

"You're- You're pregnant?" Dina asked in shock.

"I... Yeah." Meredith gasped as she said it.

"Wow." Dina said in shock. "Can I ask why you picked me?"

"Well... You are the most professional of my interns. You seem to care about people. And you have been assigned to Dr. Daniels a lot." Meredith explained, talking about the OBGYN specialist.

"I won't say a word to anyone." Dina said as she nodded for her to sit on the table. Meredith pulled her shirt up. Dina's eyes got wide as she saw the surgical scars on her abdomen. Meredith winced as she felt the cold jelly hit her soft flesh.

"Are you ready?" She asked as she grabbed the doppler. Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded her head yes. She gasped when she saw the baby's heartbeat on the screen.

"Wow..." She muttered in shock.

"I... I think you are about six weeks. I can't say for sure." Dina said as she studied the screen.

She looked over to see the tears falling from Meredith's eyes. Six weeks. That was about right. Six weeks ago she found Derek. Six weeks ago, she had sex with him. Unprotected sex. Six weeks ago, she created a baby with the love of her life.

"Are you okay?" Dina asked as she put the machine away.

"I- I'm having a baby." She said as she cried hysterically. "I'm--" Meredith gasped as she looked out the window, seeing Derek outside talking to another doctor.

"You love him..." Dina said as she followed her gaze.

"I do..." She cried. "I love him so much..." She said as she shook, her body wracked with sobs.

"It will be okay, Meredith." Dina said as she held her. "You can do this..."

------------------

Meredith laid on her sofa with her feet up. She giggled when she looked at her fuzzy slippers. It wouldn't be long before she wouldn't be able to see them anymore. A baby complicates things. A baby would change everything. It will flip her world upside down. She thought about it. She thought about it while she was in surgery. She thought about it while she was doing post-op notes. She even thought about it while she was eating her healthy lunch. She thought about ending it. Ending the tiny life. Ending it to make hers easier. But she couldn't. She couldn't imagine killing a baby. She and Derek's baby. That was one thing she could never do. Not to him.

Things were a mess. A huge mess. She was scared. Terrified even. But it had to work out. Everything had to be fine. She had to make her life more stable. She had to make things better. She had to prepare for the tiny life that would be making itself present in just over seven months. She looked up quickly when she heard the door open.

"Today was hell." Mark said as he stormed in.

"It was." Meredith agreed, thinking about her aching back and swollen feet.

Her day consisted of procedure after procedure. And from the looks of the surgical board, it was like that for every surgeon there. The ORs were definitely getting a lot of action today.

"What did you do?" Meredith asked as she watched him slide his italian leather shoes off and kick them to the side.

"Everything under the sun..." He moaned as he walked to the bathroom. She could hear him slash water on his face.

"I need you to cook." Meredith shouted to him, seeing his reflection in the mirror.

"I can't cook. You know I can't cook." Mark laughed. "Derek was always the cook."

"Well, you can cook better than I can." Meredith giggled loudly. "Maybe we can do it together?" She asked as she made her way to the kitchen. It was nice kitchen. A kitchen fit for a chef. A kitchen that was far too good for them.

"What's this? Meredith Grey has sat down her bottle of tequila, and wants a spatula?" He asked with a grin as he walked out.

"She has." Meredith said as she walked to the kitchen and began rummaging around, looking for the makings of a healthy meal.

"Okay... Are you sick?" Mark asked as he laid the back of her hand against her forehead.

"Well..." Meredith said as she pulled out some vegetables.

"Wait! What happened with the tests? I was so damn busy today, I forgot." Mark said as he watched her pull out things from the refrigerator.

"Well. I'm healthy." She said as she pulled out a package of chicken. "How about stir fry?" She asked. He nodded his head.

"And?" Mark said as he began chopping. "It must have said something."

"I'm- I'm-" She stammered.

"Spit it out, Grey!" Mark said as he threw the chicken in the pan.

"I'm pregnant." She said nervously as she looked at the floor.

"What!" Mark said as he dropped the spatula and looked over. She looked up when she hear it hit the stove. "I think I just heard you say you're pregnant."

"You did... I am..." She said, still in shock herself.

"You're going to have a kid?" He asked with wide eyes. "The baby is going to have a baby..." He drifted off, as he thought in a haze.

"Yeah." She said with a sigh.

"Oh my god..." He said softly as he began stirring the meat in a fog.

"Yeah..." She repeated.

"And you seem okay about this..." He mused.

"I- I'm not. I am. But at the same time... I'm scared as hell. I'm not the mothering type. I was raised by a lion. I am self absorbed. I care only about myself. I drink. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I am a mess. I've always been a mess. I have two great guys who love me, and I'm scared to death of both of them. I'm scared of life. I'm scared of taking chances. But... I have to be okay. I have to. Because it's not just me anymore. And the craziest part is... I just- Everything happens for a reason, you know. Maybe-" Meredith rambled.

"Maybe you'll finally have everything you ever wanted." Mark said simply.

"I don't know. I just- Wow." She said as she stared into space.

"Yeah." He agreed. "So... I don't want to be an ass... But-" Mark asked as he cooked the chicken.

"It's Derek's." She finished for him. "I can't be 100 certain. But... That first night. We had sex. No protection. I have always used protection with Adrien. And the dates match up."

"Does he know?" Mark asked.

"No. And I don't want to tell him yet. I don't want this baby to change things. I don't want there to be guilt. If things are meant to be, they will be." Meredith muttered.

"Wow. Derek's going to be a dad. This is big." Mark said quickly.

"It's a big mess. Kristy. Adrien. Derek." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"So what are you going to do?" Mark asked.

"I am going to worry about myself. I need to figure out what to do. I need to fix myself before I do anything else." She said softly.

"Holy shit! Does Meredith Grey have her head on straight?" He asked as he looked at her. He put his hands on the side of her head and moved it. "Nope. Still a little crooked."

"It's getting there." Meredith told him as she watched him cook.

"I'm going to be an uncle." Mark said in shock.

"Yes you are." She said as she looked at the faint smile playing at his lips.

Meredith ate her dinner across from Mark. It felt good. Great, even. To be doing the right thing. To be living a better life. The mess didn't go away, but it was so much better than falling asleep with a bottle of Saunza in her hands. She took a hot shower and made a nice spot for herself on the chair. She didn't have to work tomorrow and she had a lot to do.

"So what are we watching?" Mark asked as he plopped down on the sofa.

"Medical mysteries." She said with a smiled as she took a sip of her water.

"Oh." He said with a nod.

"Don't you want to go out?" Meredith asked.

"Are you kidding? This is so much more fun!" He said with a chuckle. "I can't wait until you get hormonal. Or when you nest. Nesting will be fun. Maybe you'll actually clean the house!"

"You are an ass!" She spat as she threw a throw pillow at him.

"Language, young thing. You are with child now." He laughed heartily.

"Seriously, Mark." She said as she shook her head in disbelief. "You can drink. Have a beer. Whatever..." She offered.

"I don't need it." Mark said as he drank a bottled water.

"It's nice. What you are doing is nice, but it's not you. Go out. Have fun. Be a man-whore." Meredith said as she stared at the t.v.

"I could. But you are much better entertainment." Mark agreed as he looked at her. Meredith's eyes got wide when she heard a knock at the door.

"Oh my god. Adrien." She said with a sigh.

"Close your eyes. And snore." He laughed as he quickly crossed the room.

"Mark." Adrien said with a smile.

"She's sleeping. I'm afraid she isn't much fun tonight." Mark said as he glanced back.

"Is she feeling okay?" Adrien asked.

"She is. Just tired." Mark said coldly.

"Well, just let her know I stopped by..." He offered as he glanced into the living room.

"I will." Mark said as he shut the door. "You're welcome." He said as he sat down next to her.

"Thank you... I wasn't ready to deal with that. Not yet." She said with a defeated sigh. So much for stopping the whole avoidance thing.

"You have time. Rome wasn't built in a day." Mark said supportively.

"You're right about that. And a new Meredith... That will take much longer!" She laughed.

"You make an excellent point!" Mark agreed. "Now how about some popcorn?" He asked.

"Oh... Yeah. Extra extra butter." She said with a big nod.

"Yep. Your baby is going to be born with blocked arteries." He yelled from the kitchen.

"Fine! Just extra butter." She moaned as she watched the t.v. She was lucky to have such a good friend.

------------------

Meredith awoke to the bright sun shining through her large windows. She had gotten a good night's sleep. A real good night's sleep. The whole night. That hadn't happened in awhile. In fact, it hadn't happened since the last time she was in Derek's arms. But something about the past two days had changed her. She felt more comfortable. More at ease.

After spending a half and hour in the bathroom, bowing to the porcelain god, she was feeling better. She made herself a breakfast of toast, orange juice and a boiled egg. She needed her protein. She needed to stay as healthy as she could on the schedule she kept. Today was a day of change. A day to try and set some things straight.

Meredith looked in the rearview mirror at the man driving behind her. She drove slowly down the road, pulling into the gated community. The large houses loomed on the big, wooded lots. She pulled up to the somewhat familiar brick house and into the driveway. It was midday. Most likely, no one was home.

She walked up to the door, the envelope in her hand. It held the keys to the BMW that she had been driving. Her mother's car. She had to move on. She had to do things herself. She walked up to the door, and rang the bell. If no one answered, she'd stick the keys in the mailbox. She took in a deep breath as the door slowly opened.

"Meredith..." Ellis said in shock as she opened the door.

She looked into her mother's eyes. She was a lion. She was vicious. She wondered if her mother had a soul. She wondered if she was just a shell. A shell filled with and evil void. This was a woman she had once cared for. A woman that she had learned to accept. Her faults. Her lack of love. She had accepted it all. Until she learned the truth. She looking into her cold eyes, now ready to just flee the scene.

"Here." Meredith said as she handed her the envelope and turned on her heel.

"What's this?" Ellis said as she poured the keys into her hand. "Why are you giving me these?" She asked.

"I'm moving on." Meredith said with an invigorating deep breath.

"What do you mean, moving on?" Ellis asked.

"I have made mistakes. You made mistakes. You took everything from me. You changed the course of my life. You made it impossible for me to trust anyone. Derek was- Is the love of my life. He is everything. And now, I'm so scare to do anything about out. You did that to me. You made me fearful. You killed me. For fourteen years, you killed me. I refuse to let you continue. I am moving on." She said as she walked away.

"Meredith! Meredith! Let's talk. We need to talk." Ellis said as she walked after.

"What would we talk about, mother? What could we possibly discuss? I cannot forgive you. Maybe in time, but I doubt it. Now I have to fix these messes. The ones you created. The ones I created." She said as she continued on and climbed in the car with the man.

"Are you ready?" He asked as he looked at Ellis Grey standing at the car's window.

"I am." She said with a deep breath as they drove off.

"Well, I think you will be very happy with your new Jeep. I have one myself." The car dealer said as he drove her back to the dealership.

"As long as it's mine, I'm sure I will love it." She said with a smile as they drove down the road.

Meredith climbed into the driver's seat of her new Jeep Commander. It was big enough that it made her feel safe. It was big enough to tote a baby around. And big enough to drive her friends around. She liked the way it looked. And it was hers, most importantly, it was hers. She found herself glancing at the back seat. She could almost see the car seat in the back. She smiled faintly as she drove down the road.

Meredith closed her eyes. She was home alone. No Mark. No Adrien. No Derek. She had convinced Mark that he could have a night out, and he didn't have to be her babysitter. She had received calls from Adrien, but ignored him. She had talked to her mother. She wanted to get more done. But as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. There was always tomorrow.


	35. Battleship

Meredith quickly ate her crackers and drank a small glass of Sprite. Oh how she hated this. Every morning. Vomiting over and over again. She was just praying it would stop soon. She vomited before she even had a chance to pee. She just kept telling herself it was worth it. It wasn't the baby's fault. Now on to another fun day at the hospital. A day of gossip and praying no one knew her secret.

"Hey." Derek said as he climbed out of his car.

"Hey." Meredith replied as shut the door of her Jeep.

"You got a new car..." He said as he pointed to the dark green Jeep.

"I did." She said with a nod.

"It's nice." He said with a smile. "I like it." He told her as they walked into the hospital.

"Thanks." She said nervously. Her hand grazed her abdomen. Inside there was his child.

"Are you feeling better?" He asked as they stepped on the elevator.

"I am. I really am." She said with a nod.

"I was going to stop over last night, but I didn't want to impose." He said softly as he listened to the ding of each floor.

"You can come over, Derek. You're Mark's friend. You're my friend." She explained.

"What about Adrien?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"What about Adrien?" She said as the doors opened and she stepped off onto her floor.

Derek stood there in shock. What did that mean? What did she mean? She looked up, realizing that he had missed his floor. He knew it was the same floor as hers, but he was so distracted, he had forgotten to get off. He quickly hit the button again. When the doors opened, he was face to face with Adrien. Adrien stepped on with a smile on his face.

"Dr. Shepherd..." He said with a grin. "I'm just off to the coffee cart..." He said as the doors closed.

It hit Derek. The coffee cart. He was getting Meredith coffee. Derek looked over at the stairwell and ran down, taking two stairs at a time. As he reached the floor, he looked up to see the elevator hadn't come down yet. Most likely, people were getting on and off at every floor.

"Mocha latte and a double chocolate, chocolate chip muffin." Derek said with a smile. The guy handed him his coffee, and he quickly walked to the stairs, seeing the elevator doors opening. He smiled when he opened the door and saw Meredith standing there talking to her interns.

"Dr. Grey." Derek said as he walked up.

"Go! Get to work!" She yelled, and watched her interns scatter.

"For you." He said as he handed her the coffee and muffin.

"Oh! Thank you..." She said as she accepted it. "But I'm actually not drinking coffee anymore. The caffeine is making me shaky." She lied.

"Oh. Well..." Derek said with disappointment.

"But the muffin... I love chocolate muffins." She said with a faint smile.

"Mer..." Adrien said as he walked up with a frown and kissed her on the cheek.

"Adrien." She muttered.

"I brought you a mocha latte and a cinnamon muffin." Adrien told her as he handed it to her. "I know you like chocolate, but with the coffee, I figured it would be too much."

"Well, if you knew Meredith, you'd know that she can never have too much chocolate. And besides, she's not drinking coffee anymore." Derek said smartly.

"Oh." Adrien said as he looked down.

"So it looks like you brought a bum breakfast." Derek muttered.

"Perhaps you would like some milk?" Adrien suggested.

"Oh... Well... You don't need to." Meredith said softly.

"Nonsense." Adrien said as he marched off. Derek looked at him and quickly walked after him. Both men shoved each other as they stumbled around, rushing into the elevator.

"You are pathetic." Derek said as he shook his head.

"Me? I'm her boyfriend. You... I'm not sure what you are. A night of meaningless sex?" He asked as the doors opened.

Derek sprinted out the door as soon as it opened. As he made his way down the corridor. Seeing that he was gaining speed, he pushed a cart into Adrien's path and laughed heartily as he heard him crash. He looked around fro the mild as he rushed in. He quickly grabbed a small chocolate milk and ran to the register. Adrien rushed in and grabbed a 1 milk. Adrien fumbled with cash as Derek slid his card and took off.

"Keep the change!" Adrien spat as he tossed down a twenty dollar bill.

"But Doctor!" The woman yelled.

"Keep it!" He said as he looked at the elevator an finally opted for the stairs. He saw Derek one floor ahead of him and rushed quicker, taking two stairs at a time.

"In your dreams, asshole!" Derek spat as he kicked backward, hitting Adrien in the shin. He fell hard.

"You rat bastard!" Adrien shouted as he grabbed Derek's foot, causing him to fall down. He quickly climbed over Derek and kept on. Derek jumped up and rushed forward. Adrien pushed the door, and they both fell as it opened. Everyone looked at the two doctors, laying on the floor. They both jumped up and jogged down the hallway, milk in hand.

"Here you go!" They both said as they handed her the milk.

"Oh! Thanks." Meredith said in shock as she looked at the two sweaty men. Her pager beeped and she looked down. "Gotta go!" She said as she smiled at both of them. She began to walk away, but stopped in her tracks. She swiped up the chocolate milk and chocolate muffing before running off. Before she left, she sighed and grabbed Adrien's too.

"You are pathetic." Derek said as he shook his head.

"I'd say that's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black." Adrien said as he looked up.

"You may have a point there... But I'll never admit to it." Derek said as he walked off with a smirk on his face.

---------------------

"So, I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner tonight?" Adrien asked as he looked across the table at Meredith.

"Actually Mark and I are going to hang out." Meredith said quickly as she worked on the patient. She could feel Adrien's eyes staring at her intently. It wasn't that she didn't want to go. She was confused. She didn't want to send out mixed signals. And she honestly had no idea what her next step would be.

"Oh. You and Mark?" Adrien asked with the slightest bit of jealousy in his voice.

"Yes. Mark and I are friends." Meredith explained as she continued to look down at her patient.

"I know that. You live with him. You see him everyday." Adrien pointed out. "I just figured you'd like a nice dinner."

"True, I do live with him. But we don't get to spend much time together." Meredith told him.

Meredith ignored what he was saying. She couldn't be entirely sure that he was speaking at all. Her mind was elsewhere. Her mind was on when she was going to tell Derek about the baby. She needed a little more time. She was definitely not going to hide it from him. She wanted to make sure that things were solid before she took that step. She wanted to make sure it wouldn't change things for the worse. She furrowed her brow as she thought about what Derek had said. "Lying bastard." That's what he had called Adrien. And now she wanted to confront him.

"There is something I've been meaning to ask you." Meredith said as she started stitching.

"Yes?" Adrien asked with a smile as he looked down.

"Well, you said that Derek came in with that woman. But he didn't." Meredith said coldly as she glanced up.

"I thought you and Derek were over. I thought it was a mistake." Adrien asked smartly, trying to turn the tables on her.

"I was just wondering why you would lie? Do you feel threatened?" She asked as she continued.

"Should I feel threatened?" Adrien asked as he looked down at her work. She didn't answer. Nothing. Not a sigh. Not a nod. Nothing. "I'll take that as a yes. Well, I've been meaning to ask you something. I'd just like to know how my girlfriend ended up in bed with her best friend's husband. And how he ended up being my competition, when as far as I knew, there wasn't competition because you were mine."

"I just don't like that you lied to me. You shouldn't have lied." Meredith said, ignoring his line of questioning.

"Who said I lied? Maybe he's lying. He didn't look like he was desperately trying to flee her. And I only reported what I saw, Meredith. Think of it this way, a man who loves you wouldn't flirt with a woman in your sight. It's all a game. And if that's how you want it... If there is a race... I'm in. Because you are worth it. And I don't think it will take you long to figure out who the better guy is." Adrien said as he looked up at her.

"Okay... I think we're done here." Meredith said as she walked away from the table and quickly went into the scrub room.

"What the hell is going on here? As far as I knew, we were fine. I didn't expect to come home and find you half naked." Adrien said sadly. She dropped her head in shame. "And I forgave you. And I do forgive you. I thought it was over. A one time thing. But apparently it's not. I'd just like to know what I'm up against."

"Derek and I-" She started. "It's a long story." He looked into her eyes. He was worried. Concerned. He didn't know what she was going to tell him. He didn't think he wanted to hear it.

"You know what... Some things are better left unsaid and unknown." He told her as he scrubbed his hands. "I'm sorry..."

"I have to go." She said as she rushed out of the room. She was feeling as if she was going to suffocate. The walls were closing in. Her stress was drowning her.

"How are you feeling, Dr. Grey?" Dina asked as she walked up.

"I'm fine, Dr. Eastman." Meredith said nicely. Meredith's stomach growled loudly.

"I think you're hungry. I'll do your post-op notes. You better head to the cafeteria." Dina suggested.

"Good idea." Meredith said with a nod as she walked away. A nice, quiet lunch. Or not.

"Here." Derek said as he walked up. She had barely stepped foot in the cafeteria, and here he was.

"What's this?" She asked as she looked down at the container.

"Lunch. I got it from the deli down the street." He said as he walked over to the table with her.

"Oh. Thank you." She said a she opened up the container full of chicken salad, garden salad and oreo fluff. "It looks great. But Derek, you don't have to do this." She said with a frown.

"I wanted to. I was hungry. I just picked something up for you when I was out." He explained.

"It's good." She moaned as she took a bite of the oreo fluff before anything else.

"So how is your day going?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Fine. Long, but everyday is long when you never leave the OR." She muttered as she continued eating her food.

"Cardio is like that. The way Americans eat, you will never be out of a job." He laughed. "Why did you do it?" He finally asked.

"Do what?" Meredith answered as she looked up at him.

"Well, cardio. I never even knew you had an interest in it." Derek pointed out.

"Well... I just- I like it." She said with a shrug. She took a few more bites and then looked up at him. "And I thought that- Well, since I lost you... I could hold on to that. Something you loved." She said as her eyes watered up.

"Mer..." He said as he placed his hand on hers. She sucked it up and looked at him.

"Why did you switch to neurology? You were cardio all the way. That was all we ever studied." She pointed out.

"Why do you think?" He asked softly. He looked into her eyes. "Because of you. Because they couldn't save you. I needed to know. I needed to have a focus. I wanted to be able to help people. I wanted to be able to tell patients and their families that I did everything I could, and know that I did. I changed for you." He said as a tear rolled down his cheek. "I knew you were still in there."

"I know you did." She said as tears began to fall down her cheeks. "You read to me, you talked. You were there." She said as he voice cracked.

"You remember?" He asked.

"I do." She said softly. "Crap." She muttered as she looked up, seeing Adrien coming their way.

"Apparently we had the same idea, once again." Adrien said as he sat the container of soup down in front of her.

"Apparently." Derek grumbled.

"It's vegetable." Adrien said happily.

"Oh... I need a spoon." She said aloud. They both jumped up. "I can get my own damn spoon." She said as she stood up.

"A salad... Nicely played." Adrien said with laugh.

"She likes salad. But vegetable soup...come on!" Derek said with a chuckle. "Meredith doesn't even like vegetable soup."

"Yes she does." Adrien argued. "And don't even bother trying to get her to go to dinner. She's hanging out with Sloan tonight."

"Oh. Thanks for the heads up. At least she picked a good excuse." Derek snorted.

"I don't like you." Adrien said frankly.

"I'd say the feeling is mutual." Derek said smartly.

"You are just lucky that I am a decent man." Adrien pointed out.

"Oh? Why is that?" Derek asked.

"Well, I could clue your wife in on your little extra marital activities." Adrien threatened as he sipped his coffee.

"Well, seeing that we are getting a divorce, that wouldn't much matter." Derek said with a shrug.

"True. But yet, it is not final. Wouldn't it be horrible to lose everything you have worked so hard for?" Adrien asked.

"Yes. But it would be worth it." Derek said with an evil grin. "Not to mention, I don't think you would want to hurt Meredith. Seeing how, she is Kristy's best friend." Derek told him.

"You have me there. But then again, I have you. That will be your downfall. Kristy will find out. You won't be able to hide it forever. That is, unless you end it. I think you know what you need to do." Adrien said as he smiled at Meredith, who was walking back up.

"So what did you two talk about?" Meredith asked as she sat down in front of them.

"The weather." Adrien said with a smile.

"Actually, we were talking about battle moves." Derek said quickly. "I always was good at battleship... I like to sink a battleship deep into the abyss." He said as he winked at Meredith. Adrien watched as her face turned beet red.

"Personally, I like to plunge in and out. I tends to get better results." He said as he glanced at Meredith.

"Well, nothing is better than when you get swallowed whole." Derek grinned.

"Well... Only if the object is small enough to be swallowed whole." Adrien said with an evil chuckle.

"You would know." Derek pointed out.

"Actually, I was just pointing out what I've heard. Something about fantastic four." Adrien said with a hearty laugh.

"I wouldn't believe everything you hear. Usually people make up nasty rumors when they feel inferior. I suppose you would know something about that." Derek nodded.

"Well, we should ask Meredith..." Adrien pointed out. He looked at the look on her face as she dropped her fork.

"You are an asshole!" She shouted as she threw his lukewarm soup at his face. He watched as she grabbed her salad and rushed off.

"Wow... If you give someone enough rope..." Derek said as he shook his head and stood up from the table. He could chase after her, but he decided not to. He decided that Adrien's words had to sink it. It was a war. And it seemed he was definitely winning more battles than his opponent.


	36. The Trio

To say Meredith was angry over Adrien's recent words would be a serious understatement. She actually spent all day stewing over it. Sure, Derek had nearly called her a whore. Truly what he had said was worse. But it was Adrien. Derek hadn't meant it. But Adrien, she was sure that he had in fact meant it. Twice in the same day he had brought up she and Derek sleeping with each other. For someone who supposedly forgave her, he sure seemed to be stuck on it.

"So you're getting to be downright boring, Mark Sloan." Meredith said with a giggle as she looked over at him.

"I know." He admitted as he flipped over their steak. "And I am making your steak well. I know you like it medium, but you need to eat your meat well done."

"Yes Sir!" She said as she saluted him. "I'm beginning to think that I may have ruined you." She joked as she leaned back in her chair.

"That may be." Mark said with a smile. "But you need someone to take care of you."

"You make it sound like I can't function on my own." Meredith said with a frown.

"No. You can. You just do so much better with help." Mark said with a smile. "So where are your stalkers?"

"Funny." She said sharply. "Derek is not a stalker. He's just- He's being Derek. Adrien- Adrien is a grade-a asshole." She said with a angry snort.

"Oh... Trouble in Meredithland?" He asked with a chuckle.

"I would think you know by now, there is always trouble in Meredithland." She said as she shook her head.

"So seriously... What did Frenchy do now?" Mark asked.

"Well... He just- Every time I turn around, he is bringing up Derek and I." She grumbled.

"I can't believe I'm going to say this... You know what? Never mind." He said as he threw his steak on the plate.

"Just say it." She said, almost knowing what's coming.

"Well, that's hard to forget. Your girl sleeping with someone else. It's hard... Believe me." Mark told her.

"You sound like you've had some experience in this department." She pointed out.

"I have. This chick I dated, Gina... She was hot. A good lay. I didn't love her, but you know she was just... We were good. Anyway. She was staying at my apartment, and one day I walk in to see her mouth on some other guy's dick. I brushed it off, because we were so fucking good together. And I didn't love her, so who cares right? But every time I looked at that mouth... It was hard. Two days, and it was over. And she never sucked my dick again." Mark said frankly.

"Oh." Meredith said as she dropped her head.

"Mer- I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just saying. It's different, because your Meredith and he's Derek. You just need to tell Frenchy to hit the high road. But I'm sure he'll take the low road, he's turned into an ass." Mark pointed out.

"I'm trying, Mark." Meredith said softly.

"I know you are, kid." He said as he threw her steak on the plate and they walked into the kitchen.

"I know I have to fix this mess." She said as she grabbed a baked potato and some steamed vegetables. They both looked up when they heard a knock on the door.

"Do you want to go lay in the chair and snore?" Mark joked, thinking it was Adrien.

"Nope, that won't be necessary." Meredith answered as she walked over to the door. She opened it, and her eyes latched on to a blue set.

"You said I could stop over, and I was in the neighborhood." Derek said with a smile.

"Come in." She said with a faint smile and opened the door. "We were just getting ready to eat."

"Oh... I don't want to-" Derek said as he looked over at Mark.

"There's enough. You hungry?" Mark asked as he cut his steak in half and threw it on a plate for Derek.

"I'm fine." Derek said as he stood there.

"Bullshit. Sit down." Mark said as he slid his plate over.

"You didn't have to... Thanks." Derek said as he washed his hands and sat down.

"Here... You can have some of mine." Meredith offered.

"I don't think so, quarter." Mark said firmly. "You need to eat all of that protein, and your vegetables."

"Okay, dad." Meredith laughed as she looked up at him.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked with concern. He knew Meredith well enough to know that she rarely ate healthy. "Are you sick?" He asked as he thought about her recent vomiting spells.

"Sick... No." Mark replied with a smile.

"I'm okay." Meredith said with a nod.

"You're sure?" He asked, sensing a lack of honesty in the air.

"Of course." Meredith said with a smile as she cut her steak and placed a bite in her mouth.

"I'm sorry about earlier." Derek said, referring to Adrien.

"I really don't want to talk about it." Meredith said as she looked down at her plate. They all kept quiet as they finished their meal. Derek could tell that Meredith was still upset about the day's events.

"So, after dinner, we watch a movie." Mark said as he stuck the plates in the kitchen sink.

"Seriously?" Derek said with a laugh.

"Yeah, why?" Mark asked as he watched Meredith pick at her food.

"Mer... What have you done?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"What?" She said with worry.

"You've turned Mark into a woman." He said with a chuckle.

"I have!" She laughed whole heartily. "I really have. He cooks, he cleans, he cares."

"Hey, I'd be quiet. I just might have to stop." Mark warned.

"Oh... I love you... As a woman." Meredith said as she kissed him on the cheek.

"How sweet of you, quarter." Mark said as he pulled her close and squeezed.

"Quarter?" Derek asked in confusion.

"Yeah. She's a quarter of the size of a regular person." Mark laughed.

"I am not!" She argued.

"Three quarters." Derek said with a nod. "Definitely seventy-five cents." He laughed.

"I'm leaving!" She said as she walked into the living room and plopped into her chair. Derek helped Mark do the dishes.

"Seriously, Mark... What the hell is wrong with Meredith?" He asked as he looked over at his friend.

Mark looked at the floor. He wanted to tell him. He wanted to make him the happiest man in the world. He knew he would be the happiest man in the world. He knew Derek would step up to the plate. This could be the thing that put them together. The thing that bound them tightly, the way they were meant to be. But it wasn't his to tell. He didn't own it.

"Meredith? She's fine. Why do you ask?" Mark asked as he finished the dishes.

"Well, she was sick. And now you're concerned about what she's eating. Things have changed so quickly. I just- If something is wrong, I want to know..." Derek pried as he looked up.

"Meredith is healthy. She is finally getting her head straight. She's not drinking like she was. She just needs to eat well. She needs to take care of herself." Mark told him softly.

"Well, I'm glad that you are here for her. It means a lot." Derek said with a smile. "Even if I can't be..."

"She'll let you in eventually." Mark told him confidently.

"I don't know Mark. I think that things are going to change, and then they don't. She's confused. She's torn. I really just want her to be happy. I'm just hoping that she wants to be happy with me." Mark said as he sat on the kitchen stool.

"Meredith knows what she wants. She's just scared." Mark explained.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Meredith asked as she walked into the kitchen.

"Finishing the dishes, my lady." Mark said with a smile.

"Well, we need to watch a movie. I've been waiting forever. I was getting lonely." Meredith whined.

"Oh... We wouldn't want that." Derek said with a wink.

"How can you be lonely with two handsome guys around?" Mark said as he hugged her tightly.

"You have a point." She said with a smile as she looked at them both. "I missed you guys." She said happily.

"We missed you too." Mark told her with a nod.

"You have no idea." Derek muttered.

"So what do you want to drink?" Meredith asked.

"I'll have a water." Mark said with a nod. She rolled her eyes and handed him a beer. "Mer, water is fine..."

"You know you want it." She said as she handed him the bottle and one to Derek.

"Thanks." Derek said as he grabbed it. Meredith grabbed a bottle of water and walked to the living room. "You're not having a beer?" Derek asked, in shock.

"Nope." She said simply as she pushed play on the remote control.

"Not even one?" Derek asked again.

"I don't need it... Watch the movie." She said, trying to change the subject.

"So this is what you do? Literally sit here? I thought you were joking." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Hey, don't knock it until you try it!" Meredith said as she threw a pillow at Derek.

"Hey!" Derek said as he whipped the pillow back at her.

"Oh really!" She said as she jumped up and started beating Derek with the pillow.

"Hey!" He shouted as he put his arms up defensively. After taking quite a pillow beating, he grabbed her by the waist, throwing her on the couch, and began tickling her.

"Stop!" She shouted as she wiggled around. "Stop!" She cried as she tried to stop him.

"This is way to fun." Derek said with a chuckle. Mark sat back and rolled his eyes.

"Seriously! I'm going to pee my pants!" She shrieked. Mark's eyes got wide.

"Dude, let her up!" Mark said as he pulled him back. Meredith jumped up and ran to the bathroom.

"What was that?" Derek asked.

"That was me not wanting to see urine on this white rug." Mark lied.

"You made me miss the beginning of the movie!" Meredith pouted as she plopped down in the chair.

"Aww... Poor Mer..." Mark moaned as he looked over.

"Shut up..." She said as she rolled her eyes and laid her head back.

Everyone went silent as they watched the movie. Derek was just happy to be around her. Her air was his air. She was his oxygen. He needed her. He watched as she giggled. He wasn't even sure what was going on. It didn't matter. She was all the entertainment he needed. This perfectly boring life was just fine for him.

"Holy crap." Derek said as he looked over.

"I know." Mark nodded as he turned up the volume and drowned out her snoring.

"She is louder than ever." Derek said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"There are nights when I can't sleep because of it." Mark pointed out.

"I had gotten used to it. I have no idea how." He said as he shook his head. "Why is she so tired?"

"Hell if I know, Derek." Mark said as he looked at the plasma t.v.

Derek sat there. Something didn't feel right. He knew Mark well enough to know that he was hiding something. Something was definitely wrong with Meredith. She was tried. She was vomiting. He watched as she snored peacefully. His stomach sank as he thought about the accident. He was hoping whatever it was, wasn't his fault.

Both men looked up as they heard Meredith's cell phone ring loudly. She jumped up and grabbed it tiredly.

"Hello?" She muttered into the phone.

"Hey, Mer." Adrien said softly.

"What do you want?" She asked coldly. Both Mark and Derek looked up in shock.

"I just want to say that I'm sorry. What I said was completely out of line." He explained.

"You're right. It was. And if you had pulled your head out of your ass, you would have never said it! So I don't really give a shit if you're sorry. I don't want to hear it." She shouted.

"Mer..." Adrien pleaded.

"Don't call me." She said as she flipped her phone shut. "Bastard." She said as she threw her phone down.

"Is everything okay?" Mark asked, treading lightly.

"It's fine." She seethed as she stared at the t.v. Mark and Derek both looked at each other with wide eyes, and then at the screen.

The movie was long. Meredith didn't fall back asleep. She was far to angry to fall asleep. She wanted to go to his apartment and smash him. How could he say those things and then think he could just apologize. He was lucky he hadn't come over. Then he would have ended up in the dumpster, with the table that she and Derek broke having their wild sex. She looked over at Derek and Mark who both had their heads laying back, sleeping.

"Mark." She said as she turned the t.v. off.

"Hmm?" He asked as he woke up.

"Go to bed." She said as she folded up the afghan that she had been using.

"What about him?" Mark asked as he looked over.

"I'll worry about him." Meredith said as she looked at them both. Mark nodded his head and walked into his room. She thought about letting his sleep on the sofa. But it was uncomfortable, she knew that.

"Derek." She said as she shook his shoulder.

"Mmm?" He said as he sleepily opened his eyes.

"Come on." She said as she grabbed his hand. He sleepily followed her.

"What are we doing?" He mumbled.

"Going to bed." She said as she walked into her room and pulled the blankets back. She walked over and changed into sweatpants and a tee shirt. She watched as he stripped down to his boxers. They both climbed into bed.

"No sex." She said as she laid there. He nodded as he closed his eyes.

"Goodnight." He mumbled, before falling asleep.

"Night." She said as she laid there. "Derek..." She whispered loudly, seeing if he was asleep. No answer. "Derek?" She asked again. Nothing. "You're going to be a father." She whispered as she kissed his forehead. She laid there and closed her eyes. She would tell him. Soon enough, she would tell him for real. She felt him spoon against her, holding on for dear life. It felt so right.

**No, He didn't hear her! But she will tell him soon!**


	37. Unexpected Reaction

Derek woke up and looked around. This wasn't his bed. Definitely not his room. He wasn't in his apartment. He was in Meredith's. A smile played on his lips as he laid there. He remembered her taking him to her room. He was tired. But instead of leaving him on the sofa, she let him in her bed. He rolled over, his face on her pillow and breathed in the soft scent that was uniquely hers.

"Do you plan on pulling yourself out of that bed anytime soon?" Mark asked as he peeked in the door.

"Mmm." Derek moaned as he looked up. "I guess so." He said as he flipped the covers off. "Where's Mer?" He asked as he looked up.

"In the bathroom." Mark told him as he pointed to the closed door. He could hear her retching. He did not want Derek to hear her. "Coffee's ready. Get dressed." Mark said as he shut the door, giving Derek privacy to get dressed.

"Morning." Meredith said as she stumbled into the bedroom. Derek looked up at her wet hair, laying on her shoulders.

"Good morning." Derek said with a smile as he worked on his belt. "Thanks for letting me sleep in here." He told her.

"That sofa is horrible." She said as she looked up. "Not to mention, you wouldn't have been able to move your head this morning."

"You do have a third bedroom." He pointed out.

"Yes, and the bed sucks. But next time, I can let you sleep in there. If you're going to complain..." She said with a giggle. "I couldn't so that to you." She said as she rubbed her back.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he walked over.

"Yeah. I just feel like I slept on that damn sofa." She said with a giggle.

"Do you want one of your pain pills?" He asked with concern.

"No. I'm okay." She lied as she put on her best face and marched to her table. She looked in the mirror at Derek as she brushed her hair. She couldn't take the pain pills. Not with the baby. Apparently she was doomed to suffer.

"Are you sure?" He asked as he watched her.

"Yep." She said with a grin as she walked out. Meredith filled Derek's cup, fixing it just the way he liked it. "Here you go..." She said as handed it to him.

"Thanks." He said with a smile. She made herself a cup of decaffeinated tea and sat down with her toast.

"Do you want some toast?" She asked him.

"That would be nice." Derek muttered.

"Well, there's the toaster and the bread... Do it your damn self." She joked.

"There's my Mer." Derek said with a laugh as he stood up and fixed his toast.

"So today is going to be fun." Mark said as he looked up from the paper.

"Why is that?" Derek asked.

"Well, the tension between Mer and Dr. Frenchy with be at an all time high." Mark pointed out.

"Seriously! Seriously? Did you really just bring that up?" Meredith asked.

"I guess I did." Mark said regrettably.

"Dr. Frenchy..." Derek said with a laugh.

"So what are you going to do?" Mark asked as he looked up at her.

"Do you really think I want to talk about this over breakfast?" She asked as she looked up at him with a glare.

"No. I guess not." Mark said with a sigh. "But you should have a game plan."

"You should." Derek agreed.

"I don't need your help. Either of you." She said as she looked between the two of them.

"Just trying to help." Mark muttered. Today would be fun...

---------------------

A game plan. They both said she needed a game plan. She was actually thinking she needed a good place to hide. Perhaps one of those things you climb in when you hunt ducks. Then she could jump in at the last minute. Right in the hallway of the hospital. Yep, no one would even notice that. She rolled her eyes as she drove. She was just praying she didn't hurt him. That would definitely be bad.

The first few hours were good. No Adrien. Nothing big. She had her interns working their butts off, and she had done a surgery. She glanced over at the board as she walked by. Adrien was scheduled for a valve replacement. Then she saw who was listed for the resident. Meredith Grey. Or not. She quickly grabbed a dry-erase marker out of her lab coat and changed the name to a third year resident. She smiled as she walked away. Eluded one again.

"Are you Dr. Grey?" A florist asked as he walked up and looked at her tag.

"I am." She nodded as she looked at him.

"These are for you." He said as he handed her a colorful bouquet with a card.

"Thanks." She muttered as she placed them on the countertop. She grabbed the card and opened it.

[i_Meredith,_

_You will never know how_

_sorry I am. Please let me make it _

_up to you. Please give our love a chance._

_Love, Adrien[/i_

"You've got to be kidding me." Meredith said with a laugh.

"Oh wow! Who are those from?" Ellen Pierce said as she walked up, with Danny Carter and Dina Eastman. "They are beautiful..."

"I actually though they looked like the contents of a used colonoscopy bag." She said quickly.

"Ah... I see you got my flowers." Adrien said as he walked up from behind.

"I did." Meredith said coldly. "It was a complete waste of your time and money. Seeing how I don't give a shit about your sorry. Or you!" She said as she spun around.

"Meredith!" He said quickly.

"Okay. Eastman, Pierce and Carter. I have a special assignment for you." Meredith said with a smile as she grabbed the vase.

"Yes?" Dina asked softly.

"See these flowers?" She said with a smile. "I want you to give on to everyone on the third floor." She said as she handed it to her.

"Oh." Dina said as she grabbed the vase and looked at Adrien with a frown. "Right away." She said as she walked away.

"Dr. Eastman... Wait." Meredith said as she walked over to her.

"Yes?" She said as she stopped.

"I need one of this back." Meredith said as she grabbed a flower out of the huge vase. She walked back to Adrien with a huge smile on her face. She knew what was to come.

"Now... What were you going to say?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"Well-" He started. Meredith quickly shoved the whole flower bud in his mouth, the stem sticking out.

"That's what I thought." She said with a smile as she walked away. "You're wasting your time." She shouted back. The nurses looked at her in shock as she laughed.

Meredith couldn't tear the smile off of her face as she walked to the cafeteria. She grabbed a few slices of pizza. With vegetables of course. She and Derek, they didn't do meat pizza anymore. She looked around, not seeing anyone. No Kristy. No Derek. No one. She decided she wasn't going to stick around. She made her way down to the basement. It was cold, rainy and dark outside, and the basement was an excellent place to hide. She paused as she heard voices. Her interns.

"Man... I don't know what de Gaulle did..." Carter said quickly.

"I know. He seriously pissed Grey off." Weathers pointed out.

"You weren't there. I heard she choked him to death with a flower." Pierce told them all.

"If she did that, he'd be dead, dumb-ass!" Mather said with a laugh.

"Not literally. But she did shove it down his throat." Ellen pointed out.

"I believe it. She can be really nasty." Carter told them. "I bet she's into S & M."

"Oh. I bet you're right. But she is definitely the master." Mather told him.

"I don't know guys. I don't think de Gaulle would be into that." Weathers argued.

"Yeah. You're right about that." Ellen agreed.

"Well, maybe that's why they're are fighting." Carter speculated. "What do you think, Red? You're her buddy."

"I think it isn't our business." Dina said softly.

"You're no fun." Mather said nastily. Meredith rolled her eyes and marched up.

"Get off your asses and get to work!" She yelled. They all looked at her and took off.

"Man, she's everywhere." She heard them say as they disappeared.

Meredith sat down on the gurney and started eating her pizza. It had never tasted better. She was starving. She was starving and she got Adrien good. Right in front of everyone. She smiled as she reflected back. Then she remembered why she was down in the basement. She pulled out her phone and dialed.

"Yes. I need to set up an appointment with Addison Montgomery." She said into her phone. "I do realize she has a tight schedule, but I am a good friend. Dr. Meredith Grey." She told them. She could hear them talking in the background, then she finally came back. "Thursday at four? That would be great. Thanks, thanks a lot." She said as she flipped her phone shut.

So one down. One more step forward. Now all she had to do was tell Derek. And she would. She had to. Tonight she would go talk to him. Lay it on the line. Explain how she was feeling. Tonight she would tell him he is going to be a father.

----------------

Meredith paced back and forth in her apartment. She was nervous. Jittery. Hell, she was scared to death. She had to tell Derek. Her appointment with Addison was in two days. He needed to know. Derek needed to know. So she paced. She felt sick. What if he didn't believe her? What if he said it was Adrien's. A knot quickly formed in her stomach as she thought about all of the what ifs.

She looked up at the clock. It was seven. She had been pacing for forty-five minutes. She needed to tell him. But yet she couldn't move her feet. Not in that direction. Not in the direction of the door. She was stuck in a path. She had walked herself into a rut. And now she didn't have the willpower to walk herself out.

[i_Oh my God. What if he's mad? He's going to be mad. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant with his love child. His divorce. How is that going to look? He's married and he got a woman pregnant. I'll lose her best friend, and Derek will lose everything he has worked for. God. How do I do this? I ruin everything. And now... This baby is going to have a horrible mother and a father that hates me. I can't tell him. No. I have to tell him. Meredith...You have to tell him. If you don't- You just have to tell him.[/i_

"Aren't you a ball of nerves!" Mark said as he stood there, arms crossed.

"What?" Meredith said as she looked up. She hadn't even noticed him there.

"You. Wow. You look like you're going to implode." He said in shock. "I've been standing her for ten minutes. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Meredith said as she bit her lip and stared at the wall. "I just have something to do." She said as she finally stepped out of the track she had been in.

"Oh. Do you need help?" Mark asked as he looked into her scared eyes.

"I have to-- No." She said with a nod as she grabbed her purse and walked out the door.

"See you later then?" He asked as he watched her walk off, completely in a daze.

The thoughts flowed through her head. She wished she could just turn them off. It didn't work. Not even close. The knot in her stomach only got bigger. She wondered could it hurt the baby. Of course not, it wasn't a real knot. But the stress, she knew the stress wasn't good. And that's why she needed to do this. She needed to get it over with. She stood and looked at Derek's door. She sighed as her knuckles hit the door.

"Meredith!" Derek said in shock as she stood there, wide eyed. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?" He asked as he gently pulled her in. "Mer?"

"I- Uh- I need to tell you something. I need to tell you things." She clarified.

"Okay. Do you want to sit down?" He asked as he looked at her. He could see the fear in her eyes.

"Uh- Uh-" She struggled to breath as her heart raced. "No. I need to- I just need to say it!" She gasped.

"Okay." He said with a smile. She took a deep breath in and started.

"It's you. It's always been you. It was always be you. I love you-" She said before being cut off.

"I love you too-" He said in shock that she was saying it.

"Shut up. I need to say this! I'm- I'm in love with you. You're the love of my life. My forever. My always. I need you to breathe. Every waking moment I think about you. I don't want to be without you. But I'm scared. I know you would never hurt me. Not intentionally. But you did. And it scares me. I can't do that again. I can't live that way. I can't go through that pain. So what I'm saying is that I love you, Derek. I love you so much it scares me. I love you so much, I feel like I can't live without you. But I'm scared and I'm not ready. Not yet. You are the one, I know that. But I need some time to think. I need to get my head straight. I need to feel safe on my own. I need to be stable enough. I need to be able to do it on my own even if I don't want to. I don't expect you to wait. If you find someone, don't wait. I don't know how long it will take me. Days, months, years. But I need to do this. I need to know that I can do this." She rambled as she looked up. She took a deep breath and looked into his bright eyes.

"Wow." Derek said in shock. "I- I love you. You know that. And take all the time you need. I'll wait. I'll wait forever. You are worth the wait." He said as he pulled her into an embrace. "You are definitely worth the wait." He repeated as he kissed her head.

"There's more." She said as her eye started to tear up. He looked at her. She was terrified of what she was going to say.

"Okay." He said as he pulled away.

"I don't know if I should tell you. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to- I hope it's okay... You need to know. I just-" She stammered as she dropped her head.

"Just say it. It's okay." He said with a nod.

"You're going to be a father." She said as she looked up at him.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" He said loudly. "Shit. The fucking divorce isn't even over and this? Son of a bitch." He said as he punched the wall. "Now what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

[i_See? You were right. He hates you. He hates you and he hates your baby. You are so stupid, Meredith. You foolish, foolish girl. One night of sex, and you have ruined lives. You have lost the love of your life. Alone. You will be alone. Alone with a kid. You should have just aborted it. Now it will suffer with you. Poor kid never had a chance.[/i _

Meredith gasped for air. She couldn't breathe. Air was not filling her lungs. She felt weak. She felt sick. He hated her. She made a mistake. No air. Dying. No air. Feeling weak. No air. She felt her knees buckle as everything went black.

"Meredith? Oh my God." Derek said as he caught her.

**This isn't as bad as it looks. **


	38. So Close To Bad

Derek swiftly caught Meredith as she began to fall to the floor. He quickly rushed her over to the sofa and laid her down. She had panicked. She had blacked out. He was nearly in a panic himself, wondering why she had gotten so upset. He is the one that should be upset. But then again, his soon-to-be ex-wife was pregnant. So yeah, she had a reason to be upset too.

"Meredith..." Derek said loudly as he knelt next to her. "Mer." He said as she rubbed her arm.

"Mmm..." She muttered as she started to come to. She opened her eyes quickly and sat up. Derek watched as the tears began to fall down her cheeks. So many tears, falling one by one.

"Mer... I'm not- It's okay." He said as he wiped the tears away with his thumb. "You're okay..."

"No. No. I knew it. I knew if I told you. Oh god. I'm going to be alone. I can't- I can't do it alone. I won't- I won't make it." She said as she gasped for air desperately.

"Why would you be alone? I- I don't want a child with Kristy, but that won't change us, Mer. I promise, it won't change. I'm so sorry." He said as he rubbed his face.

The thought of a baby with Kristy made him sick. He cared for her a lot. But to be tied to her for the rest of his life was a death sentence. To be stuck making the tiniest of decisions for a child. The guilt that would be thrown on him when her refused to reconcile with Kristy would be so high. He wondered how? He knew how. But how because they always used protection. And Kristy was on birth control. Unless, as s last stitch effort, she decided to get pregnant, with hopes to keep him. He loved Meredith, and it made him sick to think about what this would do to them.

"Kris- Kristy?" Meredith gasped as she still struggled to fill her lungs. "Kristy's pregnant?" Meredith said as she started to cry harder. Now she was really sick.

Two babies. One with his wife, and one with his on the side lover. Two. This was horrible. Unimaginable. She felt as if she was dying inside. She thought she was on steady ground. Then she found out she was pregnant. But she accepted that, and was once again on steady ground. But now, she was on the shakiest ground she had ever felt. And if she had to choose between being alone and falling, she'd rather fall.

"That's who you're talking about, right?" Derek said as he looked up at her. He watched as her nose scrunched up.

"No..." She cried out. "I'm- I'm pregnant." She said as she covered her face and cried.

"Wait. You? You're? I'm? You're pregnant?" He asked with a huge smile on his face.

"Yes." She nodded as she looked at him through blurry eyes.

"I- Wow... I thought you meant Kristy. Oh thank god!" He said with a relieved sigh. The looked up as it hit him. "I'm going to be a dad. I'm... I'm going to be a dad!" He said loudly.

"You're not mad?" She said as she looked up at him.

"Mad? Are you kidding? I'm going to be a dad!" He said as he pulled her close. She closed her eyes and laid against him. "I'm going to be a dad." He said as he pulled away. She looked up at the tears falling from his eyes.

"You're crying." She said as she wiped his tears.

"I've never been this happy. Not since the first time you told me you loved me." He said as he looked into her eyes. "How long have you known?"

"A few days. I was so scared to tell you." She said as she looked at his warm face.

"That explained the nausea. And that you aren't doing coffee. Wow. And the pain pills..." He said as he thought back. She nodded her head.

"I'm so scared." Meredith said softly.

"Of what?" Derek asked as he rubbed her back.

"Kristy. And Adrien. And I'm not a mom." Meredith told him.

"First of all, Kristy- Don't worry about her. And Adrien- Mer, you will be a wonderful mom. We were going to have kids. And now, we're going to have a baby." He said with a smile as he kissed her on the forehead. She looked into his eyes. He seemed so sure. She didn't want to ruin the moment, but he needed to know.

"Derek... I had sex with Adrien. I- We- You and I, we didn't use a condom. I always did with him. I have an appointment with Addie on Thursday. I would understand if you didn't want anything to do with it until you know." She said as the tears began to fall. "I just don't want to do this alone..."

"You're not alone. And I'm here. No matter what, I am here for you." He slowly lifted her shirt and placed his lips on her abdomen. "I'm your dad. And I know you're not Frenchy's. His guys aren't very good." He said softly as he kissed her stomach again.

"Derek..." She said as she looked down at him.

"No, Mer. I know..." He said as he stroked her cheek. Meredith looked down as he phone started to ring. She looked down at the screen. For the first time today, it wasn't Adrien, it was Mark.

"It's Mark." She said as she flipped it open. "Hey."

"Are you ever coming home?" Mark joked. "It's so lonely here."

"Funny." She giggled softly. Derek's face lit up as he listened to her.

"Seriously, you need to eat dinner. Baby needs food, so does mom." He warned.

"I know baby needs food, Mark. I'll be home in awhile." She told him. She looked over at Derek who shook his head no. "What?" She mouthed, as Mark continued to talk.

"You're staying here tonight. You're too shaken up to drive." He told her frankly. She shook her head no. "No arguing. You can sleep in the spare room, but you aren't driving. Plus you need to eat, and I was just getting ready to cook. No to mention I think we have a lot to talk about." She took a deep sigh.

"Mark, I don't think I'll be home tonight." Meredith told him.

"Oh God, I hope you're not with that fucking Frenchman." He said quickly.

"No, I'm at Derek's." Meredith told him.

"You told him?" He asked, in shock.

"I did." Meredith answered. Derek was listening intently.

"And?" Mark said quickly.

"I think we're going to be okay." Meredith said with a smile.

----------------

Meredith washed the salty tears off of her face. Derek didn't have any good bath soaps. All manly stuff. All stuff that smelled like him, but what she wanted to smell like. That should make her feel better, that meant there was no women around. Although she had told him over and over again that he was free to move on, she prayed to god that he wouldn't. The thought of him with someone else, made her sick. She couldn't believe she was in Derek's apartment. Six months ago, she never thought she'd see him again. And six months ago, she didn't ever want to see him again. She washed her hair, letting the hot water run down her achy body. After a few minutes, she turned the water off and wrapped a plush towel around her body as she stepped out. She heard a soft knock on the door.

"Yeah?" She asked softly as she cracked the door open. She looked up at his soft blue eyes.

"Here is something for you to sleep in." He said as he handed her a tee shirt and sleep pants.

"Thanks." She said with a broken smile as she grabbed them and shut the door.

She sat down on the toilet and put her head in her hands. She knew in her heart that this was Derek's baby. But if she was wrong, if it wasn't, she didn't want to see him crushed. She slowly brought herself to her feet and began dressing. Her eyes teared up as she looked at the pajama bottoms. Black-watch plaid. Worn thin. They were the same ones that she had always worn. She lifted them to her nose, and ran the soft fabric across her cheek. She knew them anywhere.

"These are..." She said as she walked out and looked at the pants.

"They are. They were one of the only things I could take with me. I looked around that apartment, and- I- I couldn't breathe. I couldn't take the pain. So I left. I left everything. But I couldn't leave them." He said sadly. "I slept with them for months..."

"I can't believe they haven't fallen apart." She said with a giggle.

"I was very careful with them." He told her frankly. "They honestly weren't washed much. And after- You were the last one to wear them, and I didn't wash them for a year."

"Derek! That's gross." She said as she scrunched her nose.

"I know. But they smelled like you. And I couldn't let that go." He told her as he walked up and kissed her head.

"I'm just glad a have a chance to wear them again." She said with a deep sigh.

"Me too." He said with a smile. "I hope you're hungry." He said with a smile.

"Starving. What did you make?" She said as she took a deep breath. She knew she smelled something. It was faint. All the crying as plugged her head up.

"Chicken parmesan." He said with a grin.

"My favorite! How did you- The sauce takes all day." She said with confusion.

"I made some sauce last week and froze it." He explained.

"So you still cook..." She said happily.

"Of course I do... Although I haven't for awhile." Derek pointed out as he placed the salad on the table.

"Kristy always cooked..." Meredith said softly, thinking about what Kristy had told her.

"She did. But I was rarely home to eat it. I usually ate out. Or ate that crap from the cafeteria." He explained. "And of course, I would eat one cream filled donut and a cup of coffee a week..."

"You, a donut?" She said in shock as she lightly covered her salad with italian dressing.

"For you. I had to. It just made me feel closer to you." He told her, and felt foolish for even admitting it.

"Well, you don't have to do it anymore. I wouldn't want you to die an early death." She giggled, knowing how he like to eat healthy. She slowly ate her salad and smiled when she saw the chicken. It was her absolute favorite. She hadn't had it in years, because she knew no one could make it like Derek or his mom.

"Oh god... Oh..." She moaned as she tasted the chicken.

"God, you sound like you're having sex." He said with a chuckle.

"Oh this is better than sex." She said with a nod.

"Seriously?" As he looked up at her.

"Damn close." She told him with an happy nod.

"Well, we could test that theory..." He said as he raised his eye brow.

"You are so bad." She answered as she shook her head.

"Fine. I'll have to eliminate the competition." He said as he lifted the chicken off of the table.

"Touch the chicken, and you won't be working on brains anymore because you won't have hands." She said quickly. He let go and looked up at her. "I'm pregnant, don't mess with me."

"Okay." Derek said conservatively. They both looked at each other and started laughing. "We are having a baby..." He thought aloud.

"That we are." Meredith said with a smile.

By the time they finished eating and cleaned the kitchen up, it was already getting late. They were both exhausted from the mental anguish that had both been through. Meredith insisted that she sleep in the spare room. As she said, she was pregnant, so Derek decided not to argue. Meredith went into the unfamiliar quiet room and snuggled underneath the covers. She stared at the wall for awhile. She didn't want to be alone. Not tonight.

She crawled out of the comfortable bed and made her way across the hallway. Derek was sleeping. She could tell by his shallow breathing. She didn't care. She was sleeping in his bed. And she didn't care what he thought. She walked around to the other side of the bed. She lifted the covers and crawled beneath. Derek opened his eyes when he felt her cold body touch his.

"Holy shit you're cold!" He said as he laid his hand against her leg.

"I know. I'm always cold." She said as she shivered.

"Is that why you're in here? Do you need a heat source?" He laughed.

"No. I didn't want to sleep alone." She said with a defeated sigh.

"Good. Neither did I." He said with a smirk.

"But you were sleeping when I came in." She giggled.

"Well, I'm not now." He said as he leaned on her elbow and stared into her eyes.

She couldn't pull her gaze away from his. It was like a power he had over her. She needed to be with him. She needed him. She softly closed her eyes and leaned forward, he lips colliding his in a moment of passion. She parted her lips allowing his prodding tongue entrance. They danced an erotic dance, pushing, pulling and tasting each other. He rolled gently over, so that his arms laid on either side of her body on the bed. He pulled away, and trailed his mouth down her neck, sucking on her collarbone. She moaned as his soft touch. A touch that felt so perfect. Pulling her shirt up, he pecked soft kissed on her abdomen. His hand travelled down, running beneath her pants. She felt his fingers running along her moist, hot slit.

"No." She moaned loudly. Her body was screaming yes. But she knew she couldn't do it.

"What?" Derek asked as he pulled his mouth off of her delicate skin.

"We can't." She sighed with disappointment. "I want to. Oh God do I want to. But we can't. I need time. I need to think. This just- It messes with my head." She told him with a frown.

"Okay." He said with a nod. He planted a large kiss on her stomach and pulled her shirt down. "I respect that." He said with a sigh as he laid back. "I admire your willpower." He said as he looked at his hard member.

"Derek... I'm sorry." She said as she looked down.

"It's fine. I just need to take a cold shower now." He said as he started to climb out of bed.

"Don't. I need you warm." She said as her cold hand grabbed his.

"Okay. But you can't move. And I can't smell you, so I can't breathe." He said with a sigh.

"Oh Derek!" She giggled as she scooted her body closer to his, absorbing his warmth. Derek took a deep breath as he felt his body react to hers. "Seriously!" She laughed as she felt his large cock poking into her.

"I can't help it." He grumbled as he shifted slightly.

"Well, goodnight." She said softly as she smirked and laughed to herself.

"Night." He moaned as he laid there, suffering.

**Not so bad, right? You must learn to trust! And review. And thank you to those that do. I base a lot of how I take things on your comments. I always check them first.**


	39. Thinking is Overrated

Meredith laid there in the cold bed. Her heat source had left. She wasn't completely sure when, but it must have been awhile, because his side was cold as ice. She could smell the faint scent of breakfast. Ham. Definitely ham. She wasn't sure what else. Eggs, maybe. She moaned as she tried to straighten her body out. She yelped quietly as she felt the pain shoot up her spine.

"Shit." She muttered as she laid there, on her back, staring at the ceiling.

She wondered just how she got on her back. She could not lay on her back, the minute she did, she couldn't move. The pain was too bad. It definitely didn't help that her bladder was swollen beyond it's max, and the small wave of morning nausea was creeping up.

"Hey..." Derek said with a smile as he walked into his bedroom.

"Help." She squeaked with a faint smile, as she lifted he arm up.

"You can't get up?" He said with a frown.

"I can't get up." She said frankly as he pulled her to her feet.

"This is not good." He said sadly. "How long have you been laying here?"

"Awhile. If I wait, I can usually roll to the side." She said as she slowly walked to the bathroom.

Derek stood there. He had done that to her. She was injured badly. She needed surgery after he broke her. And he was sure that after she woke up, she have even more. And now she was carrying his child. A child that was going to put her body through hell. A wave of guilt hit him hard as he listened to her vomiting in the bathroom.

"Mer?" He said as he pushed the door open. She was on her knees in front of the toilet. "Oh, Mer." He said as he grabbed her hair and rubbed her back.

"I'm okay." She said as she leaned back.

"I'm sorry..." He whispered as he kissed her head.

"For what?" She asked as she looked up.

"Everything." He said as he shook his head.

"I think I'm done now." She said as she climbed to her feet. "I have to be to the hospital in an hour."

"I made breakfast, if you're hungry." He told her.

"I will be in a few. Mark makes me eat every morning." She said with a nod.

Derek smiled at her comment. Mark makes her. That made him happy. Mark was a good friend. A good friend he could trust. Someone who he knew would never try to get in her pants. She was like a sister to him. He had always wondered what would have happened if Mark hadn't been called away. What if Mark had picked Meredith up at the party, instead on him? Things would have been different. And he didn't even want to think that way.

"I smell ham." She said as she walked in the kitchen.

"A ham and cheese omelet." He said with a smile as he sat it down in front of her.

"Oh, I looks great." She said happily as she looked at it. "You have no idea how much I miss coffee..."

"I bet. You're barely human without it." He stated.

"But I'm getting better." She said with a giggle.

"So it seems." He agreed as he began to eat his own breakfast. "So you're appointment is when?"

"Thursday. Thursday at 1:30pm." She said with a nod.

"At Seattle Presbyterian?" He asked. She nodded her head yes. "Who else knows?" Derek asked.

"About- About the baby?" She asked nervously.

"Yeah..." He said with a sigh.

"Um... You and Mark. Oh- And Dr. Eastman." Meredith said with a slight frown.

"You're intern?" He said in shock.

"She uh- She did the sonogram..." Meredith said nervously.

"You let your intern do your sonogram? That is- Well, I'm sure everyone will know now..." He said frankly.

"No, Dina isn't like that." Meredith said defensively.

"Dina? You're friends with your intern..." He stated as he thought.

"She's- I trust her." Meredith told him.

"Well, I guess today will be the moment of truth." Derek said nonchalantly as he ate his breakfast. Meredith's stomach quickly flipped. She hoped she hadn't trusted in the wrong person.

-------------------

She felt like everyone knew as she walked down the hallway. No one looked at her any differently. But she couldn't help the paranoia that was taking over her brain like a well-fed vine. A vine that intertwined her brain with every other fear and apprehension she had. The nausea had went away for the day, and the good breakfast had stuck with her. For the first time in awhile, she was feeling pretty good.

"Hello, Mr. Graves. I'm Dr. Grey. These are my interns. We've come to check you out before your calf enhancement today. Okay, Weathers, you present." Meredith said as she handed him a chart.

Meredith looked up at Mark. He was giving her a questioning look. She almost felt guilty staying with Derek last night. She had been spending so much time with Mark, and he had been great about being there for her. She didn't want him to think she had just dropped him. But at the same time, she knew that Mark wanted her to make it work with Derek.

"Good job, Dr. Weathers." Mark said with a grin. Meredith quickly came back to reality.

"Your case." She said with a nod as she walked out.

"Are you okay, Dr. Grey?" Ellen Pierce asked as she walked alongside her.

"Yes, I'm just tired." Meredith lied. She wasn't tired at all. Distracted. Definitely distracted. Worried. A little. Nervous. Definitely. Her heart raced when she walked into the next patient's room and looked up, seeing Adrien. He was standing there with a half-smile. A forgive me smile.

"Darren Carter is in for a mitral valve repair." Adrien explained as he looked at her interns.

"Carter? Are you related?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Danny.

"He's my uncle." Danny said with a smile.

"In that case, keep your mouth shut." She said as she looked over.

"Harsh." Darren said with a smirk. "Is she always like that?" He asked Danny. Meredith raised her eyebrow in warning, and he dropped his head like a scolded dog.

"I assure you she is." Adrien said quickly. Meredith dropped her gaze to the chart she was pretending to read.

"I like it." Darren said with a charming smirk. "I like it a lot." He said as he winked at her.

"She also likes to avoid. See how she pretends to read the chart." Adrien pointed out as he looked at her.

"Ah yes, but unlike Dr. de Gaulle, I do not lack professionalism. Pierce, you present." Meredith said as she handed her the chart.

Both men looked at her in shock. Adrien was mad. He couldn't believe she said that. Yesterday she tried to choke him with a flower, and today she was humiliating him in front of patients. He looked her up and down wondering. What did she do last night? What was she doing period? He wouldn't know. Because she was avoiding him.

"Your case. We need to get moving. Good luck, Mr. Carter." Meredith said with a smile.

"Ah, but Dr. Grey, you are scrubbing in." Adrien said with a smirk.

"Can't. I have surgery." She said as she continued out of the room.

"It's been rescheduled. I'll see you in OR 2 at 8am." He said quickly. She rolled her eyes and kept walking. Next room. Next patient. She didn't care. She had to get out of there.

"Dr. Grey." Derek said with a nod.

"Dr. Shepherd." Meredith responded. "Who wants to take this?" Meredith asked her interns.

"I will." Danny Carter said as he grabbed the chart. "Rosalyn Jackson is in for a surgery to repair a chronic subdural hematoma. These hematomas are caused by bleeding from the bridging veins, located between the outer and middle layers of tissue covering the brain.

"Why are chronic hematomas difficult to diagnose?" She asked with a smile. She could feel Derek's eyes on her. She was blushing. Her face was red. He made her blush.

"Chronic subdural hematomas are more difficult to diagnose because of the length of time between the injury and the development of symptoms. However, MRI or CT can detect chronic as well as acute subdural hematomas." He responded.

"Good. Do them." Derek told him quickly.

"Eastman, you need to go to the pit. And Mather you need to find your way to Dr. Daniels. She needs a an intern." She said as she looked down at her pager.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked as they walked down the hallway.

"Good. Bad. I don't know..." She finally said with a sigh. "You know, for a second I feel like I could do anything. And then- And then I walk into a room with him and... God." She muttered.

"Adrien..." Derek pondered with a like frown.

"Yeah." She said in a huff. "I get the pleasure of scrubbing in with him today. Apparently my surgery has been bumped. Imagine that." Meredith told him as she rolled her eyes.

"Yes. Imagine." He agreed, shaking his head. "So...lunch?" He asked with a hopeful grin.

"Well... I don't... I'm not ready. For people to know. I'm not ready. Not that there is anything to know. Because I am thinking. And I'm not ready. And I need to clear my head. Hence the thinking. So that really makes no sense because we aren't doing anything wrong because there isn't anything going on. But everyone will think that and-" She rambled quickly.

"Meredith!" He said as he grabbed her shoulders. "Relax. No lunch. Dinner?" He asked.

"We'll see..." She said with a smirk as she grabbed her chart an walked away.

"You will be the death of me." He said quickly.

"I know." She replied with a smile.

--------------------

Meredith stood across the stable from Adrien. The feelings she had churning and mixing inside were too much. The various poisons and chemicals were reacting to each other making her utterly sick. The thoughts going through her head were random. They were confused. She was standing across from a man that she loved. She loved him. And now, hatred.

"So you are avoiding me..." He stated after an hour of pure silence. And hour of classical music. And hour of Meredith being treated like an intern.

"Um. Yeah, I guess so. Since confronting you makes no difference." She pointed out as she retracted.

"Confronting me? Is that what you call shoving a flower in my mouth in front of the whole hospital?" He asked with a chuckle.

"Well, considering the dozen other times... I made a freaking mistake. Okay? I screwed up. And you kept throwing it in my face. And I am tired of it. I know what I did. I don't need you reminding me every five minutes. So, it's not a big deal. This avoiding, because this can't be fixed." She said as she looked at him.

"I don't believe that." He said frankly.

"Well, for someone who is so damn confident, you sure take to treating me like shit." She replied.

"I- I made a mistake. A mistake followed by several others. So-" He started, she heard a pager blare.

"Dr. Grey, it's 911." The scrub nurse held the pager up for her to read.

"Great. That patient of mine. The one you bumped. He's dying. Thanks a lot. Was it worth it?" She said as she handed the scrub nurse the retractors and rushed out.

--------------

Derek walked into the on-call room. It was dark. There was a faint ray of moonlight peeking it;s way in from the outside world. Both beds were occupied. He looked at the top bunk. A third year resident. He had seen her around. Douglas. He was sure her name was Douglas. He quickly walked back out with a smirk on his face. He leaned against the wall and watched as she rushed out, her pager blaring.

"Mer..." Derek said as he walked into the dark on-call room. He sat the tray of food down on the chair to the side and clicked the lock. "Mer..." He said softly and he rubbed her shoulder.

"Hmm?" She moaned as she rolled over and looked into his eyes.

"Did you eat?" He asked.

"I didn't." She said frankly as she sat up.

"I brought you some chicken soup and a half of a turkey sandwich." He said as he grabbed the tray.

"And oreo pie." She said with a smile.

"And oreo pie. It seems you have a newfound affinity for it." He said with a chuckle. He had realized just why she had eaten the whole half of the pie.

"Yum." She said with a smirk as she took a big bite of the pie and savored it.

"You know you are supposed to eat the other first." He said, cocking his head.

"But this is so good." She said as she lifted a bite to his mouth. He smiled as he accepted the bite.

"Thank you, Derek." She told him as she took a bite of the sandwich.

"You needed to eat. And we were supposed to have dinner..." He trailed off.

"Oh were we?" She giggled.

"We were." He said with a nod.

"Well, it's a good dinner." She said as she spooned the soup.

"You're eating for two now." He said with a smile.

"That I am." She said as she continued to eat.

Derek watched her. He could do that for a living. He could just watch her. She amazed him. Even food, rolling around in her mouth behind her closed lips intrigued him. He couldn't never get enough of her. A sip. A drink. It was never enough.

"Thanks." She said as she placed her spoon down and sat the tray on the chair.

"Are you here for the night?" He asked.

"I am now." She said with a shrug.

And there it started. All she did was look up. Her eyes hit his. Their head moved closer. Even never leaving. Never unlocking. Their lips touching. Lips sucking. Tongues lashing at each other. The fog was rolling in. And it was rolling quick.

"Oh god..." Meredith moaned as she laid back on the bed, feeling Derek's hard cock pressing into her leg. She could feel her body screaming for him. Aching for him. Her fingers ran through his perfect locks as they continued the dance. The dance that they started almost sixteen years ago. A dance that would never stop.

"Mer..." He moaned as he kissed and sucked her neck. Her hands grabbed the hem of his shirt and slid it over his head. Her hands ran down his muscular chest and around to his back. She then slid her own top off. Derek unclasped her bra as she leaned up.

"I need you." She told him frankly as she played with his pants. She slid them down and he kicked them off. "I need you now!" She yelped as he bit her nipple. He nodded his head and pulled her scrub pants and panties off in one swoop.

"No need for a condom..." Derek muttered with a faint smirk.

"Please?" She asked as she felt the tip of his penis rubbing against her. He teased her with a smirk. She thrust her hips upward at him.

"In a hurry?" He asked with a smirk as he thrust inward with force.

"Oh god..." She screeched. "Harder."

Their minds were cloudy. Everything swirled around as rational thought left them both. Rational thought was replaced by passion. By pure pleasure. She felt his length push and pull into her. She spread her long legs farther, begging him to go deeper. Begging him to push her to the edge.

"I'm... Oh God..." She moaned as her orgasm took her over. Her whole body shook, her feet quivered and spasmed as the heat rushed over her. He drove harder and faster, himself on the edge.

"Fuck, Mer..." He groaned as he spilled into her. Filling her with his heat. "God..."

"Oh God!" She screamed as another orgasm swept over her. She laid there, her body dewy with sweat. Derek's head in the crevice of her breasts. He grunted as he pulled out and laid to the side on his back.

"That doesn't help me think..." Meredith muttered before laughing.

"I don't know. I'm beginning to think that thinking is overrated." He said with a chuckle.

"You may be right..." She said as she rolled over onto him. With, their sweaty chests together, she looked into his eyes. "You are definitely right..." She said as she trailed her lips down. "Definitely right..." She repeated as her lips fell on his awaiting cock.


	40. Confirmation

"Dr. Grey." Derek said as he walked down the hallway.

"Dr. Shepherd." She said with a nod as she walked by, going the opposite direction.

"Dr. Grey..." Derek said as he paused. "I need an intern."

"Okay... I think Pierce is available." She said with a nod as she looked at the chart in her hand. She could feel his gaze on her. He was always looking at her.

"So we are meeting each other there?" Derek said with a grin. He looked completely happy, completely content.

"Yes, Derek. For the twelfth time, we are meeting there." She giggled at his eagerness. She had never seen him so excited.

"Lunch? Do you want to do lunch?" He asked.

"I have never seen you look or act this stupid." She giggled as she shook her head. "You look like you just got a new bike."

"Nope. What I'm getting is better. So much better." He told her frankly.

"I have surgery, but if I get done in time, we could stop somewhere for food." She told him with a smile. She was happy. Happy that he was so happy.

"That little bistro on the corner. Noon." He said with a nod as he walked away, whistling.

Meredith walked quickly to the scrub room. She smiled softly when she saw that Dina Eastman was already in there, scrubbing her hands. Meredith soaped her own hands, focusing on her fingernails. She watched the soapy water wash down the drain. That's exactly what she was hoping for in her life. The dirt needed to wash down the drain, leaving her was a perfect, clean life.

"How are you feeling, Dr. Grey?" Dina asked as she looked over.

"I feel good." Meredith said with a nod. It was the truth. She was in a good place. She was happy. She was getting her life together. And she was having a baby.

"How is the morning sickness? My sister had horrible morning sickness." Dina told her a s she scrunched her nose.

"It's not too bad. Just for awhile in the morning." Meredith explained. "I have an appointment with the obstetrician today." Meredith said with a smile. It felt good. Good to tell someone. To let someone know how happy she was.

"That's great. I'm really happy for you." Dina said with nod.

"I appreciate that. And the fact that no one else knows, that you haven't said anything. It hasn't gone unnoticed. You don't know how much it means." Meredith said with a sigh.

"I know you are my resident... But I look up to you. And I consider you a friend." Dina told her with a smile.

"I consider you a friend too." Meredith replied with a smile. She lifted up her hands and walked into the OR. The scrub nurse handed her a surgical towel and she dried her hands.

"Thanks for coming everyone. Let's do this." She said with a smile as she nodded to the anesthesiologist.

Meredith made her first cut. This is what she had worked for her whole life. And it was worth it. It was the best feeling. There was a calm that swept over her when she was in the OR. It was a high. This was her life.

"Dr. Eastman, I need you to clamp the artery." She said as she grabbed her tools from the scrub nurse. "So have you decided on a specialty?"

"You ask me that every time we're in the OR." She said with a giggle.

"It's something you need to think seriously about." Meredith told her.

"I wanted to go into neuro, but I'm not sure now. Cardio is amazing." She said with a smile.

"Well, just make sure you do what makes you happy." Meredith told her.

"Dr. Shepherd was originally going to go into cardio. But you knew that already..." Dina pointed out.

"Um... Why would I know that?" Meredith asked as she glanced up.

"Oh... I just assumed..." Dina said quickly.

"Never assume." Meredith told her. "You will learn that early in your career. Never assume anything. You never know. Things never are as they seem. And more importantly, things can change very quickly without a moment's notice."

-----------------

The waitress placed Meredith's plate down in front of her. The grin on her face grew as she looked at her meal. She was starving. Lately she was always starving. The baby, the tiny little embryo inside of her, was already taking so much. She looked at Derek's conservative half sandwich and clam chowder. She immediately turned green as she smelled it.

"You have to-" She started as she covered her mouth and jumped up.

"What?" He said with concern as she darted away.

"The soup. Get rid of the soup." She said as she headed to the bathroom.

"Is everything okay here?" The waitress said as she rushed to the table. The other patrons were looking around like there was a rat on the table.

"I need you to take this soup." Derek said as he shoved the bowl towards her.

"Is there something wrong with it?" The waitress asked.

"No. No. My girlf- She's pregnant. The smell doesn't agree with her." Derek pointed out.

"Oh. I see. Would you rather have the minestrone?" She asked as she picked the bowl up.

"That would be great, thanks." He said as she walked away. Meredith walked back to the table. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. That smell. Oh god, it was horrible. I'm so sorry." She said with a frown.

"It's fine, Mer." Derek said with a smile. The waitress sat his soup down. "Thank you."

"Can I get you anything else?" She asked as she looked between them both.

"I think we're good." Meredith replied.

"Are you still hungry?" Derek asked as he spooned his soup.

"I am." Meredith responded. "I always am. Do you think a little nausea could stop me?" She said as she took a huge bite of her hamburger.

"So how was your surgery?" Derek asked before taking a bite of his sandwich.

"It was good. It went really well. Dina is right on top of her game." Meredith said frankly.

"That's good. I think she is probably your best intern. Weathers isn't confident. And Carter is too confident. And Pierce..." Derek trailed off.

"Oh... How was she today?" Meredith asked with a giggle.

"Are you kidding me? If she could stay focused, I think she would be okay." Derek pointed out.

"Was she gazing lovingly into your dreamy eyes?" Meredith asked with a smirk.

"Funny. Really funny." Derek replied.

"Don't feel bad. She was after Adrien for awhile. That would be great... We could send them both into the sunset together." Meredith said with a giggle.

"What changed, Mer? Was it me?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked as she grabbed a few of his baked chips off of his plate.

"You seemed happy with him." Derek pointed out.

"Did you forget that he called me a whore?" She said in shock.

"I just- You did a one-eighty. And I don't want it to be because of me." Derek said with a shrug.

"First of all, you do want it to be because of you. You can't sit there and tell me you'd rather I were with him. Not that I'm with you- I mean, I'm not- I need to think. Remember... I need to think. And as far as Adrien and I, you give yourself too much credit. He showed his true colors." Meredith pointed out. "You need to drop the guilt. All of it. The accident. The relationship. Seriously, Derek. It's giving you gray hair."

"I do not have gray hair!" He snapped as he looked at her in shock.

"You do." Meredith said with a sad nod. "I saw it last night." Derek took his last bite and pushed his plate to the side.

"I'll be right back." Derek said as he stood.

"Where are you going?" Meredith asked with a knowing grin.

"To the bathroom." He replied.

"To look for gray hair." She said with a smirk.

"I am not." Derek said defensively.

"Oh you so are..." She said as she shook her head and too a drink of her water.

"You are a pain in the ass..." He grumbled as he walked away. She just laughed as she finished her food.

"Are you ready?" Meredith asked when he walked up to the table.

"I am." He said with a nod, as he placed the money on the table and they walked out. "I'll have you know, there are no gray hairs. I saw no gray hairs!" He pointed out as they walked to the car.

"I knew it." She said as she grabbed him. "I knew that was what you were doing!"

"Well, I guess when we're at Seattle Presbyterian you should see an optometrist. You obviously need your vision checked..." He said with a chuckle.

"Denial. It's very cute. The irritation... Incredibly sexy." She said with a smile.

"Is it?" He asked as he turned her around and pushed her into the car.

"It is." She said as she looked into her eyes. His lips crashed into hers. Tongues lashed and sparks flew. Meredith's hands ran through his hair as she pulled him into her. She pulled away breathlessly. "We're going to be late..."

"You're right." He said with a sigh as he looked at his watch. "Luckily we know the doctor..." He opened her down and smiled as she climbed in. "See you in a few."

"Yep." She said as she hut her door. Derek walked to his own car and followed her to Seattle Presbyterian.

-----------------

"I have to say... You make the gown look hot." Derek said with a smirk.

"Are you taking advantage of me? Are you hitting on me when I'm a few minutes out from putting my feet in the stirrups?" She asked with a giggle.

"I am." He admitted.

"Don't you think that's a little low?" She asked as she looked over at him.

"Possibly." He agreed. "But seriously... I could give you an exam."

"Oh I bet you could..." She said as she shook her head. "You have to relax." She said as she watched him. She had never seen him so jittery.

"I'm fine. Okay, I'm not. I'm going to see my baby. For the first time, I cam going to see my baby." Derek said happily.

"Derek... I told you. I can't guarantee-" She started. He quickly stopped her.

"I am the father." He said with a nod. "No matter what." They both looked up as the door opened.

"I think they charts got mixed up, because according to this your here for a prenatal checkup." Addison said as she looked in. Her eyes met Derek's. "Or not?" She said as she looked between the two of them. The cheesy grin on Derek's face was unmistakable.

"You're pregnant?" Addison said happily.

"I am." Meredith said with a smile.

"Wow..." Addison said as she sat down on the stool. "I'm sorry... I just didn't expect that you would be-" She started.

"Neither did I." Meredith said with a nod. "Neither did I..."

"Well, I see that you think you're at just over six weeks. We'll do an ultrasound to confirm that. I'd like to do a vaginal exam. And of course we need to do some tests. Blood typing, immunity to rubella, a blood count, and a urine culture. And an HIV test if you'd like." Addison explained as she looked over the chart.

"Everything. Test for everything." Meredith said with an approving nod.

"I see Derek's side has a history of heart disease. As does yours." Addison said as she looked down at the chart. They both nodded. "I'm going to go ahead and draw your blood, and then you can give me a urine sample." She said with a smile as she pulled out the needle. Meredith closed her eyes.

"Mer's afraid of getting her blood taken." Derek said as he rubbed her back.

"Now that is funny." Addison said with a nod.

"It's pathetic." Meredith agreed as she winced.

"Okay, here you go." Addison said as she handed her a cup. Meredith walked to the bathroom. "So?"

"Can you believe it?" Derek said in shock.

"Derek-" Addison started.

"Don't. Don't Meredith me. It's mine. I just- I know it is." Derek said with a nod. "And that will be confirmed today."

"Well, congratulations... You seem so happy." Addison pointed out.

"I have never been happier." Derek said with a smile. "Never."

"Here you go. It doesn't seem to be a problem lately." Meredith said as she handed her the cup.

"Okay, I'm going to do the vaginal exam, and then we can do the ultrasound." Addison said as Meredith placed her feet in the stirrups. "I know this isn't the most wonderful experience..."

"No, it's not." Meredith agreed as Derek held her hand.

"Hmm." Addison muttered.

"What?" Derek said as he looked up.

"Oh, nothing." Addison said quickly. Meredith sighed when Addison finished. "Okay. Let's do this ultrasound. Are you ready to see your baby?" She asked.

"Of course." Derek said happily.

"This will be cold." Addison said as she spread the jelly on her stomach. She grabbed the doppler and looked. "There it is."

"Wow..." Derek said, his eyes glued to the screen.

"I would say the date of conception was forty-seven days ago." Addison said as she looked up. Derek's face lit up. The emotions he was feeling were overwhelming.

"That's- That's our baby, Mer." He said as a tear slid down his cheek. She looked into his eyes, and began to cry.

"It is." She said with a nod. "It is."

"This would put your due date at March 20." Addison said with a smile. "Everything looks normal." She said as she printed the picture out. "Do you have any questions, concerns?" Meredith looked up at her and started to bawl.

"What's wrong?" Derek said as he held her hand.

"I-" She started. Derek rubbed her back until she calmed down. "I drank. Before I knew. I drank." Meredith said quickly. "And I took my pain pills."

"Oh, Meredith..." Addison said as she watched her cry. "It will be okay. There is always a chance that it will affect the fetus. But you stopped. The alcohol stays in the baby's system longer than yours. But as long as you take care of yourself. Take the prenatal vitamins, sleep, eat well. Meredith it will be fine. You can't help what you didn't know. Don't worry about that, okay?" She said as she pulled her friend close.

"We need a minute." Derek said quickly. Addison nodded and walked out with the blood and urine samples.

"That's our baby." Meredith said as she looked at the screen.

"It is." Derek said as he kissed her softly. "We're going to be parents. Thank you, Mer. Thank you." Derek said as the tears started to fall. "God, I love you." He said as he cried. He laid his head on her stomach. "And I love you too." He said as he kissed her stomach.

"We love you too, Derek." She said as she rubbed his head. "We both love you."


	41. Sex and Cheesecake

Meredith and Derek walked hand in hand down the hallway of the hospital. At this moment, Derek didn't care who saw them. He was going to be a father. That was the only thing that mattered to him right now. He was going to be a father. Meredith immediately felt sick as she looked up.

"Meredith?" Ellis said as she walked right up to them.

"I have to go." Meredith muttered as she kept walking.

"What are you doing here?" Ellis asked as she followed behind. "Holy shit. You're on the OB floor. You're... I cannot believe this! You're pregnant!" Ellis said loudly. Meredith stopped in her tracks and turned around.

"I want nothing to do with you. What I do. What I am. None of that matters. It's none of your business." Meredith said as she pointed at her mother.

"I knew it. This is exactly why I kept the truth from you. Derek Shepherd is a poison. All he does it take from you. He takes and you give. He sucks the life out off you and leaves a pathetic shell. You were so wrapped up in him, you couldn't see straight. And then he left, and it hurt you. And now, you are pregnant. I knew it. I always knew he would ruin your life. Now you're going to be strapped down by a kid when you do your fellowship. He doesn't care about you. He's just using you..." Ellis spat.

"No, mother. Derek is the only person who has been there for me. He loves me unconditionally. And what I do, is up to me. As I told you before... Pretend I'm dead. That's what I do for you. I pretend you are dead. Dead people can't hurt me." Meredith spat as she walked off.

"Leave her alone. Leave us alone. You can fuck with me. But her, you don't mess with her." Derek said as he pointed at her. "She is the love of my life. You may have tried to keep her from me. But it didn't work. We will be happy." He spat before he walked away.

"Meredith-" He started as he ran after her.

"I don't want to talk about it. I am leaving it back there with her. I'm not carrying it. Not anymore." She said as she walked. They walked in silence for a few minutes.

"Do you have to go back to the hospital?" Derek asked as they walked down the hallway of Seattle Presbyterian. The smile on his face couldn't be wiped off by anyone. It was permanent. He was the happiest guy ever.

"Actually, I don't." Meredith said with a shrug. "I have to be there early tomorrow. But I have the rest of the day."

"Good." Derek said with a smile as they stepped in the elevator.

"Good why?" Meredith asked as she glanced up at him.

"Because." He said with a smirk as he cocked his head to the side.

"Don't do that..." Meredith said as she turned away and looked at the closed door.

"Do what?" Derek asked as he continued to stare at her,

"We're in an empty elevator. I know what you want to do. Just don't. Besides, I'm thinking." Meredith said as she looked at the floor.

"Ah yes... Thinking. We've had this talk before." Derek said with a nod. "Why can't you look at me, Meredith?" He chuckled.

"Oh, I think you know why." She muttered with sarcasm.

"I don't." He said happily.

"Because. Because I will look at you. Then you'll do that stupid think with your head. And then you'll give me that look and then-" She said quickly. She was cut off by Derek's lips pressing against hers. They both looked up as the door dinged. Derek kissed her deeper before pulling away.

"That. That is what happens." She said with a huff.

"You are so predictable." Derek said as he shook his head. They both walked out as the doors opened. They walked out to their cars quietly.

Derek couldn't believe that Ellis did that to her. How could she do that to her daughter. Her daughter was going to have a baby. They didn't confirm it. But he knew that if that was him, if it were his child, he would fix it. He knew Meredith was never going to accept and apology from her. But he also knew that Ellis needed to do something about it. She needed to truly be sorry.

Meredith felt sick. Although she said she was leaving it all there, she couldn't. It still followed her. She knew that her baby was never going to feel the way she did. She would protect it from her mom. From her mom and everyone else. She had Derek. In her heart, she knew she had Derek.

"I'll see you in a few." Derek said as he shut her door.

"Why?" Meredith asked.

"Just get in your car, and drive home." He said with a smile as he walked away.

Meredith wondered what he was up to. He was definitely up to something. She drove quickly to her apartment. She was happy. Her baby was healthy. Derek was happy. Everything was good. Life was good. At least for the moment. She pulled up into her spot and stepped out of the car.

"Come on." Derek said as he rolled down his window.

"Where?" Meredith asked.

"It's a surprise." Derek said with a smile as she climbed in.

Meredith sat patiently in the passenger seat as they drove. She didn't know where he was going, but she was along for the ride. She lived for this at the moment. She would never admit it. She couldn't admit it. But she lived for these tiny moments with Derek. Just the precious moments when they were so close, they could feel each other. When she could smell him. When she could hear his steady breathing. Feel the electricity between them. Read his mind... This meant more to her than anything.

"Here we are." Derek said as he pulled into the parking lot of a baby store.

"Derek." Meredith said as she looked up.

"Our baby needs things." He said with a smile as he put the car into park.

"Our baby is an embryo. Not even considered a fetus yet." She said with a deep breath.

"Our baby is a baby. And it's never too soon." He said as he opened his door.

"Okay." Meredith said with an agreeing nod. "We are having a baby." She said as she placed her hand on her stomach and she walked with him. "But we are not going crazy."

"All right." He said with a chuckle.

"I already know how this baby is going to have it..." Meredith said with a giggle.

"How is that?" He asked.

"Spoiled. So spoiled." She said with a head shake. Derek opened the door and they walked in.

"Can I help you with anything?" A sales assistant asked as she walked up.

"We're having a baby." Derek said with a smile.

"Congratulations!" She said with a smile. "So you need everything..."

"No!" Meredith said quickly. "I am humoring him right now." She said with a giggle.

"You must be a first time father." The girl said with a knowing grin.

"I am." Derek admitted.

"Well, feel free to look around." She said with a smile as she motioned.

Derek had a grin on his face as he looked at the tiny onesies and little outfits. He couldn't wait for it. The spit-up, the diaper changing. Any of it. He wanted it all. He was ready. Ready for the baby. Ready for Meredith. Ready for his family.

"What about this?" He asked as he held up a cute onesie.

"That's cute." Meredith said with a smile, as she held up one that said 'Got Milk?' "I am seriously not putting my kid in this." She said as she sat it down.

"Look at this." Derek said as he held up a soft stuffed bear.

"That's cute." Meredith said with a nod. Derek held onto it. "Look at these little socks!" She said as she held up a tiny pair of sage green socks.

"Can you believe it?" He said as he looked at her abdomen.

"No, I can't." She said as she shook her head. "I really can't." She reiterated as she continued to look.

"You aren't going to wear granny panties are you?" Derek asked out of nowhere.

"What?" She asked in shock.

"Granny panties. They say after a woman gets pregnant, that is it. Old granny panties... Big. Cotton." Derek said with a shrug. "That would be a tragedy. I like the thong. I like it a lot..."

"Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that. Seeing how you will never see my panties again." She said as she walked to the back of the store. Derek's face dropped as he quickly followed her.

"You were kidding, right?" Derek asked hastily. Meredith started laughing loudly. "Right?" He asked with concern.

"Oh Derek..." She said as she shook her head. "How would you feel if I wasn't kidding?"

"Oh... Like I should lay down and die." He admitted.

"You like the thong..." She said as she rolled her eyes. "You are pathetic." She said as they walked to the front of the store.

"I know." Derek said with an agreeing grin. "But I get brownie points, right? For admitting it?"

"We'll see." Meredith told him frankly.

She sat their little insignificant items one the counter. The first things they ever bought for their baby. Derek handed over the cash and they walked happily to the car. He drove towards her apartment and then made a quick stop.

"I'll be right back." He said as he jumped out of the car. A few minutes later, he returned with a strawberry cheesecake. "They didn't have oreo pie." He said with a frown as he handed it to her.

"Oh my god... I love strawberry cheesecake." She said happily as she looked down at it.

"I know." He said with a smirk. He started the car and they pulled onto the road. He heard the container open. "What are you doing?" He asked as he looked over in shock. She dipped her finger in it and licked it off.

"I need it!" She whined as she continued. "Oh god do I need it..." She said as she did it again.

"You are a beast." He laughed as he glanced over at her.

"Oh god... Oh god!" She shrieked as she tasted it in her mouth.

"Seriously?" He said as he looked over.

"Seriously. Remember those brownie points you were talking about?" She asked as she looked over, eyebrows raised.

"I do." Derek said frankly.

"Well, you just got a surplus. And now it's time to cash them in..." She said as he pulled into the parking spot next to her Jeep.

"Oh really?" He asked.

"Really..." Meredith said with a seductive smile.

Derek damn near fell out of the car as he rushed out. His hand gripped the door as he pulled himself to his feet. He knew that look in her eyes. He knew it all too well. Their talk about panties... Her saying he would never see them again. So not going to happen. She didn't even hold out and hour. He quickly walked around the back of his Yukon Denali and opened her door. He watched as she slowly stepped out.

"Are you okay?" He asked with a frown.

"Yeah. I'm just a little sore, that's all. Laying on my back during my appointment really got me. I'll be fine." She said as she tried to brush it off.

Derek immediately felt guilty. He was horny. He wanted her. He wanted to feel her heat around him. He wanted to come inside of her. He wanted to make her scream his name. But she was hurting. She was hurting and he wouldn't do it.

"Let's get you inside." He said as he grabbed their bags of baby things and led her to the door with his hand on the small of her back.

"I'm okay, Derek." She said with a broken smile.

"We forgot to talk to Addison about your pain management." Derek pointed out as she stuck her key in the door.

"Next time, I guess." She said with a shrug. "A little pain never killed anyone."

"No one should have to suffer." Derek said as he pushed the door to the apartment open.

"No. But- I don't know... I spent so long hurting. The pain, it makes me feel- I know I'm alive. I'd rather feel the pain than nothing at all. I know I'm still here, you know?" She said as she walked in.

"That's sad..." He said as he looked into her eyes and ran his hand through her hair. "I'll be right back." He said as he walked into the bathroom.

Derek rushed into the bathroom and started the water. She needed a hot bath. She needed to relax. He looked underneath the sink and found several candles. He placed them around the room, lighting them. He grabbed the bath beads out and poured a generous amount of them. The sweet smelling fog quickly filled the room. He smiled as he looked around. She needed this,

Meredith walked into the spare room. The nursery. Eventually that would be what it would be. The baby's room. She looked around and the perfectly made bed. It had never been used. And it probably wouldn't be. It would be replaced by a crib. A crib and a changing table. Maybe an armoire. She smiled as she looked around, thinking about the future. This baby was her future. She pulled out the items and folded each one, placing them on the dresser. She knew they would need to be washed, but that was a long way off. She looked up at the large antique mirror is the corner. She walked over and lifted her shirt. Maybe she was crazy, but she could swear it was there. A tiny baby bump.

"It's there." Derek said as he walked up and wrapped his arms around her, placing his hands on her stomach.

"You think?" She said as she turned her head and looked at him.

"I know." Derek said with a smile.

"You know, I will get huge." She said as she frowned.

"You will still be the most beautiful woman in the world." He said with a smile as he kissed her neck. She turned around and pulled his head towards her, kissing him deeply.

"Come on." He said as he pulled away and grabbed her hand. "You need this." He said as he opened the bathroom door.

"Derek..." She said with a smile. "Thank you." She said as she pecked him on the cheek. He smiled and walked out, shutting the door behind him.

Meredith stripped down, letting her clothes fall to the floor in a soft pile. Derek was right, she did need this. She moaned as she stepped into the hot water, feeling it encompass her as she lowered her body in. The soft flowery scent made her relax immediately as she laid her head against the claw-foot bathtub. As he body relaxed, her pain went away.

"Derek..." She said loudly as she opened her eyes and looked around the candlelit room.

"Yeah?" He said as he cracked the door open.

"Aren't you going to join me?" She asked softly.

"I don't- If you are hurting..." He replied quietly.

"You could never do anything to hurt me. In fact, you only bring me pleasure. Pure pleasure." She said licked her lips and bit her pouting lip.

"You're sure?" He asked as he stepped.

"I'm always sure." She said with an affirmative nod.

Derek looked at her body in the soft light. He could see her rosy nipples peaking through the bubbles. Her hair was loosely held by a clip, tiny tendrils falling messily. Derek stripped off his shirt and Meredith looked at the smooth muscle. She felt his clit start to throb as she looked at the crevice where his groin met his hip. She watched as he skillfully undid his leather belt and let his jeans and boxers fall. His cock was rock hard. It was hard and waiting. And her body was more than willing to accept.

"Come on..." She said as she sat up slightly, making room for him to climb in opposite of her. Derek felt himself growing as he looked at the bubbles barely covering her. He knew what laid beneath the water. What sweet elixir he wanted to taste. He felt her foot graze his cock, nearly sending over the edge,

"Oh god, Mer..." He moaned.

She stroked him masterfully with her slender foot. She massaged his balls gently with the other. "Not yet..." He said as he grabbed her feet and pulled them up, placing them on either side of the bathtub. He gently sucked her toe. That was something he would never even thing about doing to anyone else. But her, he could taste every inch of her and it was pure pleasure. His lips pecked kisses on her ankle, moving up her calf, where he bit gently. She moaned as she felt his lips moving up her thigh. She held herself out of the water as he kissed closer.

"Oh God, Der..." She moaned as he neared.

Her clit throbbed and begged him to taste it. He ran his tongue across her. He teased her with his tongue, running it along her wet lips. She groaned as he thrust it deep inside of her, pressing and pushing. Pulling and licking. He run it across her clit, hard and slow. He decreased his pressure as he quickened in figure of eights.

"Oh god!" She shouted as she grabbed the side of the tub as hard as she could. "Don't stop! Keep going!" She yelled as he lapped. "Go!" She shouted again. "Shit...Oh god!" She said as she released into her mouth. He sucked an slurped her sweet nectar until she was dry. She released her hands and fell back, her head going into the hot water. She lost all her muscle function as she came down from the high that Derek just took her to.

When she came up from the water, she could see the darkness in Derek's eyes. She smiled as she made her way over to him. She placed her hand on his enormous, hark cock. It was thick and ready for her. If he weren't underwater, she was sure that it would be glistening with pre-cum.

"What do you want?" Meredith asked with a throaty moan.

"You." He replied.

"But what do you want?" She asked as she stroked him quickly.

"I want you. I want to stick my cock in you. I want to cum inside of you. Fill you until it spills out." He said huskily.

"Okay." She said with a nod as she straddled him, placing his cock inside of her.

"Oh..." He moaned as he kissed her chest. She placed his hands on his chest as she bounced softly, pushing and pulling his cock inside of her. "Fuck..." He moaned as she rocked harder and faster. He thrust upward, causing her to roll her head back and moan.

"Oh god. Oh god!" She shouted as she started to come. She tightened around his cock, strangling it. She pulsated, tightening and releasing around him. Derek felt the hot rush of fluid around him, his cock sliding father and faster.

"I'm...I'm coming..." He shouted as he released inside of her. Their fluids mixed together, in a perfect harmony.

"Oh..." She moaned as she laid her head against him. "Was that what you wanted?" She asked after a long silence.

"That was... Wow... That was perfect." He said as kissed her neck softly. She felt his erection shrinking inside of her.

"Yeah, it was..." She said as she climbed off of him. "Oh...thank you..." She moaned. "Now I just need some cheesecake." She said with a smile. Derek quickly jumped out of the bathtub. He returned with a plate. He handed her the cheesecake and stepped back in the bathtub.

"Sex and cheesecake. The perfect combination." He said as she fed him a bite.


	42. Spilling Secrets

Derek didn't go home. He stayed. And stayed. Meredith insisted that she was thinking. She was thinking, and they weren't together. Derek would just humor her. He knew better. He knew that she loved him. He knew that she just couldn't admit it to herself. She couldn't admit that this was it. Him and her. And they could have it all now.

Adrien called. And called. And called. Flowers came. Calla lilies. She loved calla lilies. But from him, she didn't. From him they either went to the hospital, or they went to the trash. Then came chocolates. She said she'd throw them out. But they were from France. French truffles. The absolute best. So she ate them. She ate them in the middle of the night. The baby wanted them. At least that's what she told herself. He would never know. No one would know.

"So. Do you ever plan on going home?" Meredith asked as she walked into her bedroom. The bedroom where Derek was laying in her bed, with boxers on.

"Do you want me to go home?" He asked with a smirk.

"Um-" She said with a pause as she stopped brushing her hair.

"You want me to go home?" He said in shock as he sat up.

"No. I just- Thinking. I am thinking. And well, this doesn't feel like it. In fact, everyday it is feeling more and more like a relationship." Meredith pointed out.

"And that's a bad thing?" Derek asked as he stood up. Meredith smiled and shook her head at his morning wood.

"Yes. I need to know that I can do this. I need to know that I can make it on my own." She said as she pulled her sweater over her head.

"But you don't have to make it on your own. You have me." Derek told her as he stared at her.

"I know I do, Derek. I know that. But I need to-" She started.

"You did it, Mer. You were alone for fourteen years. Isn't that proof that you can do it on your own?" Derek said as he walked up to her.

"I did. And it was horrible. But it was different. I was broken. Now you're here. And I'm alive. Now it's time to repair myself." Meredith explained.

"So... Do you plan on raising this baby on your own? Am I even going to be able to be in it's life?" Derek said loudly.

"Of course. I just-" Meredith started.

"You want to be alone. You want to suffer through life. That's fine, Mer. I'd rather you didn't, but it's not my option. But our baby isn't going to." Derek pointed out.

"Derek!" Meredith said as he began putting his jeans on.

"I just- I wait and I wait. And you pull way. Push me, pull me. That's what you do. push me, pull me. I just want you to pull me, and never let go." He said with a frown as he buckled his belt.

"I know you do, Der." She said as she walked up to him with a broken smile on her lips. "I know." She said with a nod as she walked out.

"How are you feeling this morning?" Mark asked as he looked up.

"Like she can't commit." Derek muttered as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Mark asked as he looked up.

"He's been here for three days. He won't leave." Meredith groaned as she smelled the coffee that she couldn't have.

"I'll leave. Is that what you want?" Derek asked quickly.

"You've been here for three days?" Mark asked, backtracking.

"Yes. You have been gone, Mark. You abandoned me. Where the hell have you been?" She asked Mark. She was upset. She felt like he just dumped her off.

"Candy's." Mark muttered softly.

"A stripper?" Meredith said as she shook her head.

"No. She's not a stripper. More like a candy striper." He said with a smirk.

"You're an ass. I've needed you and you're an ass!" Meredith said as she slammed her empty cup down.

"What am I? Worthless?" Derek asked as he looked up at her. "I haven't been here for you?"

"How did you know he was here?" She spat at Mark. "You know what? I don't need you. Either of you. I hate men. I hate men, and I hate your fucking penis. I hope it rots and falls off from lack of use." She spat to Derek as she slid her shoes on.

"What about breakfast?" Derek asked. She stormed over and grabbed a breakfast bar out of the cupboard. They both watched as she stomped off and slammed the door.

"What is wrong with her?" Mark asked.

"Hormones." Derek said with a chuckle. "This is worse than Lola. Much worse."

---------------

"Can we talk?" Adrien said as he followed Meredith down the hallway.

"No." She said frankly as she continued on. "I'm not really in the talking mood. In fact, I am in the penis cutting mood. As in cutting your penis off and choking you with it." She said angrily.

"Wow. Are you okay?" Adrien asked with concern. Her eyes welled up as a surge of hormones took her over.

"No." She said as she whimpered.

"Oh, Mer..." Adrien said as he pulled her close. Little did either of them know that Derek was just around the corner, seeing the interaction.

The anger bubbled inside of him. He wanted to strangle him. He wanted to cause Adrien severe bodily harm. This explained everything. Maybe it wasn't hormones. Maybe this was Meredith pining for Adrien. Derek's fists clenched tightly as he watched.

"What's going on?" Mark asked as he walked up. His concentration was broken as he glanced over.

"What the hell am I doing?" Meredith said angrily to Adrien as she pulled away.

"What?" Adrien asked as he looked into her eyes.

"I still hate you." She muttered as she walked off.

"That." Derek said as he pointed over. They both looked over.

"What?" Mark asked as he looked at Adrien reading a chart.

"They were just there. He was hugging her. Meredith. He had his hands on Meredith." Derek spat nastily.

"Are you sure?" Mark said with a chuckle.

"It's not fucking funny." Derek said loudly.

"Jealous much?" Mark asked with a smirk.

"First of all, don't say that you sound like Meredith. And secondly... I thought you didn't want to see her with french fry either." He said angrily.

"Wow. You are jealous." Mark said with a nod.

"Well, she's having my baby. Not his. She is mine." Derek said as he rushed off. He had surgery. And he was going to have a hell of a time concentrating now.

-------------------

Meredith sat there eating her lunch in a fog. She was distracted. She was overly hormonal. At the moment, she couldn't even stand herself. Everything had her on edge. Everything made her stomach knot, and hatred boil to the top. She was feeling as if she couldn't control herself.

"I was beginning to think that you were hiding from me." Kristy said with a giggle as she sat down next to Meredith.

"I've just been busy. And exhausted." Meredith said with a weak smile as she took a bite of her pastrami sandwich.

"I called you a dozen times." Kristy told her frankly.

"I know. I'm really sorry." Meredith apologized as she dropped her head. "So what have you been up to?"

"I went on a date. Can you believe it? And actual date. Dinner and a movie. It was wonderful!" Kristy boasted as she ate her salad.

"That's really great, Kris. I'm really happy for you." Meredith said with a grin.

"What have you been up to?" Kristy asked as she looked at Meredith.

"Not much." Meredith said flatly.

"That's all. Not much? You're not very exciting." Kristy said as she shook her head. Her eyes got wide as she watched Meredith stick a pickle chip and a piece of chocolate in her mouth.

"So how is life in pediatrics?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Kristy.

"Wonderful. I love it. Kids- Kids are great. I always wanted kids." Kristy said with a smile.

"That's nice..." Meredith replied with a dull nod. She wasn't even listening. She took a bite of chocolate and a bite of her pastrami.

"Are you feeling okay?" Kristy asked as she looked up at her.

"Yeah, why?" Meredith asked as she sat her sandwich down.

"Well--" She started. Then it hit her. Everything made sense. "Holy crap! You're pregnant!" Kristy said happily.

"What? No! No, I'm not pregnant. What are you- Why are you- I am not pregnant!" Meredith said defensively. _Oh shit. This is bad. Beyond bad. You can't tell her. Deny it! It's her husbands kid. Deny it..._

"You are. You are freaking glowing. And you're eating that weird crap. And you've been moody. You are so pregnant." Kristy said with a taunting giggle.

"I am not." Meredith said again as she pushed her food away from her. Now she had lost her appetite.

"Why are you lying?" Kristy asked her. _Uh, because it's your husband's adulterous love child..._

"I'm not lying. Why are we talking about this, anyway?" Meredith asked as she looked at the table.

"Does Adrien know? That's what it is. Oh my god! You aren't getting an abortion, are you?" Kristy asked with concern. "You can't do that. You can't kill your baby!"

"I-" Meredith said. "I'm not." Meredith said guiltily.

"You might as well tell me that you're pregnant. I mean, I will know when you pop the thing out." Kristy said quickly. "I'm here for you, Mer. You're my best friend. Just tell me." Kristy said as she put her hand on Meredith's.

_She's right. She is my friend. And she will find out. This isn't going away. And you are happy right now. You need to just tell her the truth. You don't have to tell her the whole truth. Half truth could cut it right now._

"I am. Okay? I am pregnant." Meredith said quickly.

"Oh my god! I'm going to be an aunt!" Kristy said as she bounced around. "I'm going to be an aunt!" She said as she hugged Meredith tightly.

"You can't tell anyone. Promise me you won't tell anyone." Meredith said quickly.

"I won't. Don't worry..." Kristy said with a smile. "So what are you going to do about Adrien? You guys aren't together, right?"

"No we're not. We're not together." Meredith told her.

"Well, maybe you two could patch things up." Kristy suggested with a shrug.

"I don't think that is going to happen." Meredith muttered.

"But he's your baby's father..." Kristy said solemnly.

"Just keep your mouth shut, okay?" Meredith said with a frown. "Look, I gotta go. I'll see you later." Meredith said as she stood up.

"Mer..." Kristy started as she stood up. "It will be okay." She said as she hugged her.

"Yeah." Meredith said with a faint smile.

She had been on top of the world. She was elated. She was having Derek's baby. But now reality was moving in. Now she was remembering the ramifications of her actions. This was a mess. A mess that hadn't gone away when she closed her eyes. And it wasn't going to.

------------------

Meredith felt sick as she walked around the hospital. She told her. It was one of those moments. The ones where you do something and immediately wish you could go back. When you hope that a time machine pops up right in front of you. Yep. It was one of those moments.

She stepped onto the elevator, and was surprised to see Derek on it with a nurse and someone else. She smiled as she walked in and faced the door. She didn't need to turn around to know that his eyes were on her. She felt jittery and nervous. She didn't want him to know about the stupid mistake she had just made. She sighed when the nurse and other person stepped off to their respective floors, leaving them alone. There was an awkward silence, and she felt Derek rush up behind her and pull the emergency stop button.

"I wasn't going to say anything... But... What the hell is going on? We were good. Really good. Amazing sex. Great conversation. And then this morning you snapped at me. And then I see you hugging Adrien." He said with a frown.

He was hurt. Deeply hurt. She didn't realize that such and insignificant thing could hurt him so much. It was a slip up. She was vulnerable and he embraced her before she had a second to do anything about it. And of course, Derek saw at that exact second.

"I- He hugged me. He was trying to talk to me. It was nothing." She said with a frustrated sigh. She wasn't frustrated with him. It was everyone. It was the situation.

"It didn't look like nothing." Derek said as he stared a hole into her.

"Derek! I told him I was going to cut his dick off and choke him with it. I would hardly say it was a warm and fuzzy moment. Then I cried. I cried because I can't seem to control my freaking emotions anymore. And he hugged me. I pulled away and left. It was not like it looked." She told him frankly.

"Oh." Derek said in shock. He stood there an processed what she had just said. "You told him you would cut it off and choke him with it?" He asked in shock.

"More or less." She said with a giggle.

"So I spent hours in a rage? A jealous maniac?" He admitted as he looked at her.

"You were jealous?" She asked with a smirk.

"A little. Maybe." He replied with his own signature smile.

"That is so hot." She said with a nod. Derek smiled and leaned forward to kiss her. She stepped over and pushed the ESB back in.

"You're no fun!" He feigned hurt.

"I know." Meredith said with a smile. "I'm sorry I went nuts on you this morning."

"I'm used to the abuse." He said with a smirk as the doors opened. "Really though, are you okay? You look a little off..."

"I- I'm okay. See you later..." She said with a nod as she walked towards two of her interns. She looked down at her pager as she approached. "Okay, we are needed in the pit. Is Eastman still with de Gaulle?" Meredith asked as she walked quickly.

"Yes, she's doing an emergency aortic aneurism." Pierce said with a tone of jealousy in her voice.

"Well, it looks like you will be running tests." Meredith said with an evil smirk as she rushed down the hall and to the pit. "Okay, get to work. I want you moving through her as quickly and efficiently as possible. Find the surgical cases." She said as she went to work. As her adrenaline began to pump, the worries she had disappeared from her head.

----------------

"So how is Dr. Grey?" de Gaulle said as he scrubbed his hands clean.

"Excuse me?" Dina asked as she stood there.

"Meredith. Is she okay?" de Gaulle asked.

"I haven't really seen her all day. I think she's fine." Dina said quickly as she tried to avoid his line of questioning.

"I just worry about her, you know?" He said with a faint smirk. "I know that you two are somewhat close..."

"We are. But we have both been busy." Dina pointed out as she dried her hands.

"I want you to check on our patient every hour." de Gaulle said as he walked out. His pager went off loudly. "Come with me." He said quickly as they rushed off.

He rushed off into the busy ER and began once overing patients. It was a mess. Totally chaotic. He wasn't sure what had happened, but it had to be something significant. Going through, he figured out what patients were the most emergent, and which ones could be done by residents. Everyone was rushing around, doing their job, not thinking about anything but saving lives.

The day finally slowed down. Every surgeon in the hospital was doing something all day. The operating rooms were busy. When one went out, another went in. Tests had been run. Scans had been done. Consults were made. And finally, it seemed they had gotten everything under control.

Adrien remembered the test results that needed to be picked up. Of course Meredith's worthless interns were no where to be found. He knew they hid under anything when they thought there was work to be done. Being in the OR was great, but anything else, they didn't want to do that.

"Fucking interns..." He muttered as he made his way towards the lab. He didn't want to do this. This wasn't his job. He didn't work hard all those years to be doing the job of an intern.

"Hey, Steve. I need results for Jennison, Campbell, Stevenson and Henry." Adrien said as he stood there. "Apparently interns are too good to come down here."

"They have been particularly lazy lately. I comes in waves..." Steve said as he walked back into the room. He reappeared several minutes later with papers. "So how the hell have you been? I haven't seen you in awhile." He said to his friend.

"I've been busy." Adrien said with a shrug. "Eventually it will slow down, right?" Adrien said with a chuckle. "Well, see you later..."

"Yep. Maybe at Joe's." Steve said quickly. "Oh, congratulations, by the way." Steve said with a smile.

"For what?" Adrien said in confusion and she stopped in his tracks.

"Dr. Grey. Being pregnant." Steve said frankly.

"What?" Adrien said quickly.

He felt like he had just been hit by a train. Steve was his friend. That was why he said it. As far as he knew, Meredith and Adrien were together and happy. He felt sick as he stood there in shock. He was going to be a father. And she didn't tell him. She was scared. That's what she was do upset. That was why she was moody. She was pregnant with his child.

"Um- You didn't know..." Steve said with an oh shit look.

"Um... The baby... Of course I know. But, uh... Keep it to yourself. We're not telling anyone yet." Adrien said as he marched away. "Apparently she's not telling anyone." Adrien said in a rage. "Not even the father."

**The leaking of results... It can happen. I has happened. They are good friends, time had passed, he assumed he knew. Now Mer is going to have to deal with this...**


	43. Threats

Adrien stalked down the hall. He was mad. Angry. Irate. She was keeping this from him. She was purposely keeping this secret from him. If anyone had walked in his path, they probably would have ended up with shoe prints on their body. Now was not the time to get in Adrien de Gaulle's way. Right now, he was out for blood.

"Have you seen Dr. Grey?" He asked a nurse as he stomped down the hallway.

"No, I haven't. She may be-" The nurse said. Adrien continued walking. He couldn't stop. He was a rolling boulder, ready to flatten.

"Have you seen Dr. Grey?" He said loudly as she stomped up to Dina Eastman, his fists and jaw were clenched.

"Last I saw her, she was looking at MRIs." Dina said with a smile. Her eyes widened as he scowled at her and stalked off.

He marched quickly towards the MRI. She wasn't there. He continued on to the nurses station. He was sure she hadn't left. She was so busy today, she would probably be working all night. He stopped at looked down at a nurse.

"Have you seen Dr. Grey?" He asked as he stood there.

"Um, no I haven't. Hey, Tina? Have you seen Grey?" She asked the other nurse.

"She came through here about forty-five minutes ago, mumbling something about finding a bed." Tina said quickly.

"I know she didn't leave. I think she's on-call." The nurse said with a smile.

"So she's here..." Adrien said as he walked to the nearest on-call room.

Adrien swung the door open quickly. He stood there in shock as he looked at two interns in the throes. They weren't Meredith's. He huffed loudly as he slammed the door shut. He continued on going through a few rooms, waking the sleeping bodies in the beds. And then he made his way to the last on on the floor. He opened the door and shook his head as he saw her laying there peacefully.

"I sure would like to know how the fuck you can sleep!" Adrien said loudly as he shut the door.

Meredith opened her eyes in shock as she was awoken abruptly. She looked up to see Adrien's cold grey-blue eyes. They were red with fury. She had never seen him so angry. She had seen him hurt. She had seen him miffed. But he was irate. And she was scared.

"How can you sleep?" He asked as he looked down at her. She sat up and looked at him.

"What- What do you mean?" Meredith asked with fear in her voice.

"I mean, you were just fucking relaxing. You lie to my face. You keep the most important news of my life from me, and then you act like everything is okay." He shouted in disbelief.

"What are you talking about?" She asked as she tensed up.

"I mean the fact that you are pregnant with my baby. You're pregnant, and you don't tell me?" He yelled. "God damn-it, Meredith!" He screamed as he kicked the chair over.

Meredith sulked to the back of the bunk bed against the wall. She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them, trying to protect herself from his wrath.

"I had to fucking find out that I'm going to be a father from a lab technician?" He yelled as he hit the wall. "I give you everything I have. My love. My heart. And you stomp me. You grind my heart up. And you keep grinding it. I love you, and you keep hurting me!" He screamed. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Please, Adrien! Stop." She cried as she looked up at him.

"What is wrong with you?" He yelled as he climbed on the bed and grabbed her arms, his face so close she could feel his hot breath.

"Please don't hurt me." She squeaked as she closed her eyes.

Derek walked down the hallway. He was exhausted. He didn't know where he was going. There was no way of knowing. He was too damn tired to think. He wanted to go to Meredith's. But he hadn't seen her most of the day, and he didn't even know what she was doing. He sat his patient's chart down and glanced up at the small crowd that had formed by an on-call room door.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he approached.

"Someone's in there fighting." A nurse said as she looked up. Derek's eyes got wide as he heard something crashing and a faint scream.

"What the hell are you guys doing? You're just standing here..." Derek said in shock as he walked through the crowd.

"It's de Gaulle in there." He heard a nurse whisper as he walked up to the door. His eyes got wide as he put his hand on the door handle. He bust through and rushed in.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Derek said as he pulled de Gaulle off of Meredith.

"Well isn't your knight in his shining white lab coat." He said smartly "Get you're hands off of me. This is none of your business!" Adrien said as he got in Derek's face.

"Oh, I think it is my business!" Derek said as he stood there, nose to nose with Adrien. Meredith was curled up in the corner.

"Oh really? How is Meredith being pregnant with my child your business?" Adrien said with an evil grin.

"Your child?" Derek said with a taunting chuckle. "Your child?" He said again with a hearty. "I hate to break it to you, but it is my child." Derek said with a nod.

"What?" Adrien said in shock. "It wasn't one time? You didn't just fuck him one time?" He asked as he approached her. She hid her face. "You fucking whore. It wasn't one time?" He said loudly.

"Don't you dare call her a whore." Derek warned.

"That's what she is. It's not your kid." Adrien said frankly.

"Sorry, but it is. See, we went to her appointment. The dates match up. It's mine." Derek told him.

"Oh really. Isn't that fucking nice? You went to the appointment... Do you really believe her? Do you really believe that it's yours? She fucks everything that walks. God only knows who's it is. Dates! Seriously. She probably had her mouth on my cock that morning. How do you know I didn't hit her on the same day?" Adrien spat angrily.

"It's Derek's baby." Meredith said softly from her corner.

"Do you really think you should be talking right now?" Adrien said as he glared at her.

"I think you need to leave." Derek said frankly.

"Oh really? Why is that?" Adrien asked.

"You should leave before I do something I will regret." Derek told him. Adrien looked at Derek and Meredith.

"You are a waste of life. You are worthless." Adrien said as he shook his head and walked out the door. Derek quickly flipped the lock and rushed over to Meredith who was sobbing.

"I'm here. I'm here, baby." He said as he held her close. "He didn't hurt you, did he?" She shook her head no and she hid under his arm. She stayed there and sobbed for what seemed like forever.

"It's- It's your baby, Derek. I- I-" She gasped as she struggled to breathe.

"I know, Mer. I know. Calm down." He said as he rubbed her back and kissed her head.

"I- I- didn't sleep with him. Not- Not around that time." She struggled to say. She had to make sure he knew.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I'm sorry you had to listen to him. I'm sorry I wasn't there." He told her as he laid down, pulling her with him. "I'm here for you. We're going to be okay." He said as he held her. She cried until she finally fell asleep.

Derek laid there in shock. He wanted to kill Adrien. It had gone beyond anger. Adrien crossed the line. He would have never done that to Meredith, no matter what she had done to him. He lost the tiny amount of respect that he had for Adrien. And he was never going to let that happen again.

--------------------

Derek was thankful that Meredith's pager hadn't gone off. He had a plan. Had it gone off, he was going to march right out there and tell whomever that they needed to get someone else. He wasn't concerned about anyone knowing about them. Not now. He was sure that Adrien was going to let everyone know what was going on. He was going to make his opinion known. But Derek couldn't worry about that. Now he had to take care of her.

"How are you?" He asked as he looked down at Meredith's open eyes. She frowned and closed them again. "Meredith..." Derek said as he kissed her forehead softly.

"I-" She started before she snuggled into his side. "I can't go out there. Not yet." She finally said.

"Oh, Mer..." He said as he hugged her.

"No, Derek. I can't. Everyone is going to judge me. They will all be looking at me. I am a whore. That's all anyone will say. I can't go out there. I'm not ready." She said quietly.

"Okay." Derek said with a nod.

"Okay?" She asked softly.

"Yes, okay." Derek replied with a nod. "You need the day off. I'll go talk to Bailey." Derek said with a smile.

"No, Derek. Don't leave me. Please..." She said as she pulled him close.

Derek sighed as he laid there with her. She had pre-rounds in an hour. Her interns were going to be looking for her. But she was in no state to go out there. She wouldn't be able to function. Adrien had said things that shook her to her core. He said things that hurt her deeply. And now she was damaged. And now Derek had to attempt to fix her.

"You have pre-rounds. I have to let Bailey know you won't be there." Derek said with a frown.

"You can't talk to Bailey for me. Do you know how stupid that would look?" Meredith said with a wince.

"I don't really care." Derek said frankly.

"I'll be okay." She said as she sat up. "I can work." Her attitude did a one-eighty. Derek looked at her with surprise.

"You can't work." Derek said in shock.

"I need to. I need to get my mind off of everything." Meredith said as she climbed out of the bed.

"Meredith... You just said-" Derek said quickly.

"I can't hide forever." She said as she disappeared into the bathroom.

Derek ran his hands through his disheveled hair. Now he was even more concerned. Now she was covering up her pain. She was hiding it. This was really bad.

--------------------

Meredith was really scared. She didn't see Adrien all day. He wasn't on the OR board. For the first time since she started at Seattle Grace, she didn't see his name. The uneasiness crept in. Her stomach flipped and flopped with every thought. What was he up to? What was he planning? Her wheels were spinning like mad as she walked around the hospital.

"How are you?" Derek asked as he walked up to her.

"I'm- I'm fine." Meredith said quickly as she flipped her chart closed.

"No you're not." Derek said as he shook his head.

"I don't need you to tell me what I am." Meredith said in a huff. She paused and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I just- Do you want to know the truth?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"I do." Derek said with a nod.

"Okay. I'm freaking out. I can't eat. Every time I try to eat, I puke my guts out. And it's not the baby. It's my nerves. I'm sick. My body hurts. And I haven't seen Adrien all day. I've worked here for months and he has been here everyday. So that only leaves one conclusion. That he is plotting something. I loved him. I trusted him. And now the rug had been pulled out from under me. Now I'm am so fucking scared of him. Scared of what he's plotting. Scared that he might hurt me. And the hospital is the place where I can be me. Where I can save lives. Where I can relax in the OR. And now that has been taken from me. I have never seen so much anger in someone. And now I feel like I'm not safe here. So that is how I feel, Derek. That is how I am." Meredith said breathlessly as she stood there. Derek pulled her into an embrace, right in the middle of the hallway.

"You will be okay. I will take care of you." He said as she pulled away.

"I'm sorry I went crazy." She said with a sigh. She immediately regretted her breakdown. "The hormones are killing me." She said with a frown as she grabbed her chart and walked off. More denying.

The day was slow. She managed. She trudged through. One surgery. She was in the operating room once. And her interns were actually behaving themselves. She didn't hear one word. Not one rumor about anything. She heard that de Gaulle had went crazy on someone, but no one knew who. For being such good gossipers, sometimes they were so stupid. She smiled as she made her final walk of the day down the hallway. Straight to the locker room. All she wanted to do was go home. But her last patient had made her completely gross. Projectile vomit. She needed a shower.

The hot water poured down her body. That was one plus of showering at the hospital, she could stay in there forever. And she wanted to stay in there forever. She poured some of her shampoo on her head and massaged it. Slowly her body started to release some of the tension that had been building all day. She climbed out and changed into her street clothes. Now she was ready to go home. She gasped when she opened the door and saw Adrien sitting on the bench. She walked by him, and didn't say a word as she grabbed her bag.

"So now you're not talking to me?" Adrien said as he looked over at her. She swallowed hard and slammed her locker shut. "See, as I look at it, we can do things one of two ways." He said as he approached her, almost forcing her into the corner. "We can do this. I've made the offer before. We'll raise our baby. Forget the past."

"It's not your baby." Meredith said quietly. "I know you want it to be..." She said as she attempted to be nice about it.

"You don't know that... We could be happy, Mer." He said as he moved forward, placing his lips on hers. She bit down on his lip, drawing blood. She pushed him away as he grabbed his mouth.

"You bitch!" He spat as he placed a hand on either side of her on the locker. "Hmm... So we are doing it this way? Derek never had to know. But you insist on doing it this way. I want a paternity test." He spat frankly.

"Okay." She said softly as she dropped her head. "When the baby is born-"

"No! I want an in utero paternity test." He said loudly. "If you think I am going to wait nine months. You are fucking crazy. I will need the extra time..."

"No. No I'm not doing that." Meredith said as she clenched her jaw.

"Chorionic Villi Sampling. It will be done at the tenth week. Whenever that is. But I'll find that out. I'm sure you won't tell me, will you?" He asked as he grabbed her face and made her look at him.

"No. I'm not doing it." She said frankly as she pushed him.

"You have your choice. Transcervically or transabdominally. You are doing one or the other. So you better start thinking." He yelled after her. "You will do it." He said as the door closed.

Meredith ran down the stairs. She couldn't take the elevator. She had to move. She had to know she was getting away from him. She didn't want to do it. She didn't want to risk the infection. And more importantly, she knew. Derek knew. And she didn't care about Adrien. She sobbed all the way to the car. Her drive home, she could barely see through her blurry eyes. In all rationality, she shouldn't have driven. She was in no state. But she did, and she made it. She cried even harder as she pulled up next to Derek's Denali. He was here, and she needed him.

Meredith unlocked the door and flung it open. Derek and Mark were on the sofa watching t.v. She could tell by the look on Mark's face, that Derek had let him know what was going on. She rushed past him, and immediately climbed into Derek's lap. She laid her head on his shoulder and sobbed. Everything felt better when she felt his hand softly rub her back. Oh what a mess it is.


	44. Protect Her

Adrien walked down the hallway. He had sat there, in the locker room on the bench for a long time. He didn't know who he was anymore. This wasn't what he did. He didn't get angry. He was the passive one. Everyone knew that it took a lot to push Adrien de Gaulle over the edge. Took. That was the imperative word. Took.

_No one knows what it's like_

_To be the bad man_

_To be the sad man_

_Behind blue eyes_

_No one knows what it's like_

_To be hated_

_To be fated_

_To telling only lies_

He was in a fog as he walked through the hallway. Anyone could be in front of him, talking to his face. He would never hear it. His life was a total and utter mess. He was crushed. He was emotionally distraught. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He felt like he was dying inside.

_But my dreams_

_They aren't as empty_

_As my conscience seems to be _

_I have hours, only lonely_

_My love is vengeance_

_That's never free_

The car ride home was slow and distracted. He trusted her. After his wife died, he had given up. He had sworn that he would live out his days alone. Even after his wife had insisted that he move on, he never thought he would. Then he met her. He met Meredith. For the first time in a long time, he felt alive. He felt like she had breathed new life in him.

_No one knows what it's like_

_To feel these feelings_

_Like I do_

_And I blame you _

_No one bites back as hard_

_On their anger_

_None of my pain and woe_

_Can show through_

And now, all he felt was betrayed. He was sure that she was the one. They were happy. She made him unbelievably happy. Every minute with her was perfect. He felt like he could live out the rest of his life with her. Like she was the one for all eternity.

_But my dreams_

_They aren't as empty_

_As my conscience seems to be_

He never thought he would catch her with another man. Especially a man he knew. Her best friend's husband. Derek was a guy he trusted. Derek was a guy they went out for drinks with. He should have known. That night at the bar. The night he pulled her down off the bar and carried her out. There was a look. A look of hurt, of love. He should have known. But he didn't. He was oblivious. And now, to know that it wasn't one time. God only knows how many times it really was.

_I have hours, only lonely_

_My love is vengeance_

_That's never free_

Finding out that you're going to be a father should be one of the happiest times in your life. It should be a day that you will never forget. And he had to find out from a lab tech. He found out from a guy that he would have an occasional drink with. Even if she wasn't sure who the father was, he would have rather heard it from her. It made him sick. Not knowing made him sick.

_When my fist clenches, crack it open_

_Before I use it and lose my cool_

_When I smile, tell me some bad news_

_Before I laugh and act like a fool _

In his heart, he knew that she wouldn't lie to him. He knew that Meredith wouldn't say it wasn't his if it wasn't. But yet, his head said otherwise. He had to be sure. He had to know. The thought of Derek Shepherd raising a child that he wasn't one hundred percent sure was his, made him sick. He had always wanted to be a father, but he never thought it would be like this.

_And if I swallow anything evil_

_Put your finger down my throat_

_And if I shiver, please give me a blanket_

_Keep me warm; let me wear your coat_

Adrien walked into his lonely apartment. There sat the tickets on his desk. It was going to be a surprise. He was going to take her to France. First Paris, and then to his home town. He was going to take the big step and take Meredith to meet his mother. He knew she would love her and much as he did. He was going to take that step. Because eventually he knew they would get married, and start a family. But now she would never know.

_No one knows what it's like_

_To be the bad man_

_To be the sad man_

_Behind blue eyes _

It made him sick as he sat down on the sofa. He was a monster. He had morphed into something he didn't even know anymore. He was hurting someone he loved. He was continually hurting her. Over and over. But he couldn't stop. When he sees her with Derek, the rage takes over. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. But something took over. His mind says you hurt me, I'll hurt you. He wanted to stop, he really did. But he wasn't sure how. The pain was just too much.

----------------

She sobbed and sobbed. Occasionally, she would mutter something inaudible. But then she would go right back to sobbing. Derek just continued to hold her. Mark sat there in shock. He didn't know what to do with her. Neither of them had ever seen her like this. She was in a panic. She couldn't breathe. Mark didn't know how he could help her. So he sat there with a frown on his face.

After an hour, Derek carried her to her room. She clung to him for dear life. Her arms were wrapped around tightly as the tears ran down her cheeks and onto his red shirt. He laid her down and kissed her forehead. She pulled him against her body. Every possible inch of flesh was pressed against his. She was absorbing his calm. She needed to know her was there. Her head was buried deep in his chest. She wasn't speaking, just trembling.

Derek had no idea what had went on. But he knew it had to do with Adrien. He knew that whatever he had said was horrible. It was worse than what he had said the day before. She was in worse shape than she was last night. And last night he had come close to physically harming her. Now he was worried about what he had done. He prayed that Adrien hadn't hurt her. She wasn't just upset, she was scared. He asked her over and over if he had hurt her, she nodded her head that he did not. That was a relief to Derek. It meant he didn't have to kill him. Not yet.

She finally fell asleep. The physical and mental exhaustion had taken her over. The sobs truned to snores. The snoring was worse than ever, because she couldn't breathe. Derek stared at her with sad eyes and he stroked her hair. He ran his fingers along her cheek. The salty stains from the tears broke his heart. The urge to pee took over and he slowly pulled away from her, replacing himself with a pillow.

"What's going on?" Mark asked as Derek walked into the kitchen for a glass of water.

"I don't know." Derek said as he leaned against the counter and ran his fingers through his hair.

"What did she say?" Mark asked as he stood there, sipping his beer.

"She didn't." Derek said with a frown. "Not one word. Yesterday... She was upset. This is what she does. She breaks down. She cries. She freaks out. And then she acts like everything is okay. It's like night and day." Derek said with a sigh. "But today there was nothing. Not a word. A freak out. I could have handled that. There was nothing. Just crying."

"It's the hormones." Mark said with a nod.

"No, Mark. No, it's not. She is losing it and it's not her fault. I'm really afraid. I'm afraid of what I might do." Derek said nervously.

"What do you mean?" Mark said with confusion.

"I want to kill him, Mark." Derek said frankly. "I want to fucking kill him."

"God, Derek." Mark said with a laugh. He looked up and Derek's serious face. "Shit, you're serious."

"I am." Derek said quickly.

"Derek, you need t calm down. You can't do this." Mark said quickly. "That's the last thing you need to do. It's not that bad..."

"Not that bad? Are you fucking kidding me? You didn't see him, Mark. She was terrified. He was in her face. He was holding her. She has hand prints on her arms. He thinks about what he says. He says the things that hurt her the most. He told her she was worthless and a waste of life. He thinks the baby is his. He called her a whore. He said she fucks everything that walks. Mark, I swear..." Derek said angrily.

"He said that? That stupid ass mother fucker! I'm going to fucking kill him myself." Mark said as he clenched his jaw.

"I don't know how much she can take. I don't know how much I can take." Derek said sadly. "And I have no idea what he said to her. I can only imagine."

"Well, I'm here, man. You know that... I got your back." Mark said with a nod.

"I hope I don't need it." Derek said as he shook his head. He heard Meredith cry out. "Shit." Derek said as he ran to her room. "I'm here, Mer. I'm here."

"I thought you left me..." She cried out. "I thought you left..."

"I will never leave." Derek said as he kissed her head. "Are you ready to talk about it?"

"No. I just want you to hold me." She said as she pulled him to her.

"Mer..." Derek said softly. He wanted to know. He wanted to know what the hell Adrien said.

"Not yet, Derek. I just need you. I need to feel safe." She said softly. He nodded.

"You are safe. I'll protect you." He said as they laid there, both eventually falling asleep.

----------------

Derek laid there and looked at a sleeping Meredith. He didn't want to wake her. But she did have to get up. She was snoring loudly. That meant she was truly content. She was at peace. Or at least he could hope. Because he knew when she did get up, that would go away.

"Mer..." He said softly as he rubbed her arm.

"Hmm... Sleep." She moaned as she rolled over.

"Or work." Derek said with a sigh.

"Oh crap." She muttered as she looked up at him.

"How are you?" Derek asked as he cocked his head.

Then it hit her. It wasn't a horrible dream. Last night did happen. Adrien did confront her. He did ask for a prenatal paternity test. He did insist on making her life hell with threats that were unknown. She remembered him kissing her, and her biting his lip. And she remembered the tears. And there they came again. Rolling freely.

"Mer..." He said as he stroked her cheek. He watched as her face turned sour and she began to cry. "I know it hurts. I know you are hurting. But you need to tell me. Please tell me."

"I- I-" She gasped for air as she looked up at him. "He wants an in utero paternity test. He won't stop. He was there, in the locker room. He won't stop." She cried.

"What?" Derek said in shock. "No! You don't have to do that. It's your choice. You are not doing that..."

"He won't stop." She said breathlessly. "Why? Why, Derek?"

"I don't know, baby." Derek said as he shook his head. "But don't worry about it..."

"Don't worry? Don't worry about the next time he corners me?" She asked.

"He cornered you?" Derek asked angrily.

"Yeah. I took a shower. I came out. He was- He was there, Derek. Waiting." She said as she hid her face.

"You- We will talk to Bailey today. This shit is ending today." Derek told her frankly. She nodded as she looked up at him.

"I need a shower." Meredith said as she weakly crawled out of the bed and stumbled to the bathroom.

Derek stumbled out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. He was still in yesterday's clothes. He couldn't change. He couldn't leave her alone, not for a second. He quickly made the coffee, and made Meredith a cup of her favorite decaffeinated tea. He knew she wouldn't be hungry, but she needed to eat. She needed to eat for their child. He quickly made her some scrambled eggs and toast.

"You need to eat, okay?" He said as he sat the food on the table. She reluctantly nodded as she sat down. "Are you okay to go to work?"

"I have to be." She said with a sigh. "I can't hide forever."

"No, but you could for awhile." Derek said frankly.

"And what is that going to solve?" Meredith said angrily. "Shit. That's what it will solve. Shit." She shouted in a rage of hormones.

"Mer..." Derek said softly as he watched her.

"No. I screwed up. This is all my fault. This is fucking karma. And I guess I deserve it." She said as she dropped her fork. "I hurt you. I hurt him. I'm sure there is more coming..." She said as she put her head in her hands. "I'm sorry, Derek." She finally said. "I just want things to be the way they were. Before. Fourteen years ago."

"We could have that." Derek said with a faint smile.

"I'm glad that you think so." Meredith said frankly. "Because I'm losing sight of it." She said as she shook her head. "It's coming. The storm is coming. He's too angry. Everyone is going to know. I'll be lucky if I can walk into Seattle Grace with my head up."

"You will always hold your head up. Do you hear me? You have done nothing wrong. People are allowed to make mistakes." Derek told her. "Whatever comes. Whatever awaits us. We will walk in together. I love you. And we can do this."

**This is short, I know. But I did it so hopefully I will be ahead and you will get an update even after my busy day tomorrow. We'll see if it worked. And please review. I got four from the last chapter. I love them, and it makes me want to write. And those of you that do review... THANK YOU! I do notice!**


	45. Unsure

They drove separately. Meredith insisted on it. She didn't want to make things any worse. She didn't want to fuel the ever-burning fire. She was in a constant state of fear. A state of never ending nausea. She was sick. She was worried. She didn't know what was going to happen. But she had a sinking feeling, that she was going to be the next laughing stock of Seattle Grace.

Meredith walked into the elevator. She pretended she didn't see them pointing. Why today? What took so long? Yesterday was a good day. She should have basked in yesterday. Yesterday she was still Meredith Grey. Resident bitch, yes. But more importantly, she was respected.

Meredith's interns gathered in the locker room. They fought. They were catty. But they were like family. And they would fight to the death for each other. They were supposed to be fighting one another. They were in a competition. The competition of their lives. But it had shifted. Now they were friends.

"Do you think it's true?" Ellen said quickly as she looked over at Dina.

"Grey being pregnant? No." Danny said with a laugh. "It's just those catty nurses. They are jealous of her."

"I don't know, Danny. She has been looking pretty rough. And she puked the other day..." Ellen pointed out.

"So what if she is..." Justin Weathers said with a shrug.

"You think she's nasty now..." Kent said with a laugh.

"Maybe she will be maternal and nice." Ellen pointed out happily.

"Resident Bitch, maternal? She seems like the type that would eat her kid." Danny said loudly.

"That's wrong, guys." Ellen said quickly.

"Well, all I know is that Adrien went off on her in an on-call room. He was pissed. Screaming and yelling. And then Shepherd went in there." Danny explained.

"Shepherd?" Ellen said in shock. "Shepherd? Where did you hear that? Why would he be going in there?" She was jealous. Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd.

"Oh, that's bullshit. He went in there, but he came right out after Adrien. And no one even knows if Grey was in there. I heard that Adrien was just screaming. Just cause he was pissed, ya know?" Justin explained.

"Seriously?" Ellen said quickly. "Well, that's better..."

"Why? Cause you want to screw Shepherd?" Danny asked with a smirk.

"Who doesn't?" She said with a giggle.

"Me." Kent said quickly.

"You're being awfully quiet over there, Red." Danny said frankly. "What do you think?"

"I think that the nurses are full of shit. And she is our resident. Our mentor. I say we stick by her. We need to teach these fucking nurses a lesson!" She said loudly.

They all looked at her in shock. She was quiet. She always kept to herself. And here she was, yelling. She was standing up. She was speaking out. They had to respect her. She knew. They would never know it. But she knew the truth. Or what she thought to be the truth. It was Derek's baby, and Adrien knew it. Yep, she knew. They all nodded as they looked at her.

"I think you're right..." Danny said with a nod.

"Right about what?" Meredith said as she looked up.

"Uh... We're going to get a kick ass surgery." Justin spoke up.

"Oh. You never know." Meredith's aid with a nod. "I have your assignments." She said softly. "Pierce, you're with Shepherd. Weathers, Dr. Daniels. Mather, de Gaulle. Carter, pit. Eastman, you're with Sloan." She said with a nod as she walked off.

"That was-" Danny said as he looked up.

"Odd." Ellen said with a nod. They all agreed as they watched her walk, head down. Not in typical Meredith Grey form.

---------------------

"Well, there is definitely something going on. I don't know..." A nurse said simply.

"Well, I just wonder why de Gaulle was so pissed. And why did Shepherd go in there and not come out?" The nurse said loudly to the other nurse. Apparently, when they stepped on the full elevator, they hadn't noticed the neurosurgeon in the back. And they hadn't noticed that when everyone left, he was still there.

"Well, maybe if you talked to that neurosurgeon he would know. Maybe you should ask him?" Derek said from the back.

"Oh! Dr. Shepherd..." The nurse said in shock. "I- We-"

"Let me set you straight. I went in there. de Gaulle was pissed. I don't know why. He was yelling, punching the wall. I asked him why was wrong. He was angry. He left. I stayed in the empty on-call room. I needed to sleep. So now you know. Next time, maybe you should think before you start stirring the pot." Derek said as he stepped off the elevator.

"Oh my god." The nurse said in shock.

"Do you think he's lying?" The other one asked.

"Who knows?" She said with a shrug as the doors closed.

Derek spotted Meredith walking down the hallway. His paced quickened as he tried to catch up to her. He needed to know she was okay. Even though he knew she wasn't. There was no way for her to be. The hospital was talking. They were a little slow this time. But they were on it like flies on shit. The only thing they hadn't really figured out was that Meredith was pregnant. And he knew that when they found that out, then it would really get interesting.

"Hey." He said as he grabbed her arm and pulled her into a storage closet.

"Hey." She said with a sigh as she looked up at him.

"So... How are you?" He asked her as he gave her his signature look.

"They know." She said frankly as she stood there. "And they seem to be figuring out more every second."

"Don't worry about other people. Screw them." Derek said frankly.

"Easy for you to say. I'm still learning. I haven't proven myself yet." She replied as she looked down.

"You are amazing. This is a bump in the road. Albeit a big bump, but a bump nonetheless. We will get past this." He said as he pulled her close.

"I know." She said with an affirmative nod as she gave into his embrace. "I have to go talk to Bailey." Meredith said as she inhaled a deep breath.

"You're going to talk to Bailey?" Derek said in somewhat shock. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"I know you mean well, but I need to do this. I need to do this on my own." She said with a nod.

"Okay. Lunch in our spot." Derek said with a smile.

"Okay." She said with a smile. He leaned over and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek before walking out.

Meredith walked nervously towards Chief Bailey's office. She liked the woman. Although they didn't interact a lot, she was definitely someone that she respected. Bailey was strong and driven. But she wasn't like ellis. She wasn't cold. Meredith was just hoping this was the right thing to do.

"She's waiting for you." Her assistant said as Meredith walked up to the office.

"Thanks." Meredith replied as she knocked once and walked in.

"Dr. Grey." Bailey said with a smile as she motioned for her to sit down. "How are you?"

"Okay." Meredith muttered.

"Well, I figured this was coming sooner or later." Bailey told her with a half smile.

"Oh?" Meredith asked, already knowing the answer.

"I don't think you need me to tell you that gossip travels faster than disease in this hospital." Bailey explained with a chuckle.

"Yes." Meredith said with a frown. "You have a point."

"I've known about you and de Gaulle for awhile. I didn't say anything because you are both very professional, and didn't flaunt it." Bailey said as she looked up. "But now that there is problems, we really need to talk. I don't need my cardio attending punching walls and throwing tantrums. We all know that you personal life is very hard to keep separate, especially when you work with it." Bailey told her.

"Yes." Meredith agreed as she sat there, hands folded as if she was in front of the principal.

"So I want to know the truth. I wan't to know what is going on. I don't want to hear it from every other nurse on the floor." Bailey said quickly.

"Um... Well... Dr.- Adrien and I are no longer together." Meredith said frankly. "And um... Well, I'm pregnant." Meredith said nervously. She immediately felt sick.

"Oh! I see..." Bailey said in shock. "And..."

"The baby isn't Adrien's. He thinks it is. But it isn't. And he has been threatening me. And I'm scared because every time I turn around he is yelling at me. And he cornered me in the locker room. And I'm afraid of him. I love him, he's a great guy, but he is scaring me..." Meredith told her frankly. Now she just wanted it out in the open.

"Oh... I see. So that night in the on-call room that I keep hearing about... It was you and Adrien I assume?" Miranda asked.

"It was. I thought he was going to hurt me." Meredith told her as she wiped a stray tear from her eye.

"This is not good... Not what I want to hear." Miranda said with a frown. "How far along are you?"

"Seven weeks." Meredith said with a smile.

"Well, congratulations." Miranda said with a smile.

"Thank you." Meredith returned.

"Well, it seems we have a mess here. I'm in a bind. Personally, I hurt for you, I do. I don't want you to have to work in a place where you are in fear. But from a business standpoint, my hands are tied. Adrien is world renowned. He is the very best. We are so fortunate to have him. I can't get rid of him. The board would have my job. You will be great. I think you are going to be top-notch. Adrien had affirmed that. But I can't bank the future of this hospital on the chance that you will be. And if even you are, that doesn't mean some other hospital won't give you a better offer. Then we would be without anyone. So I am saying, as much as I'd like to do something, I just can't. I know this is tough, but please try to make it work. Adrien is the best, he has a wealth of knowledge, and he can teach you a lot. He is your attending, you will have to work together. I will talk to him... I just hope we can all keep the peace." Bailey said as she stood up. "Come here." She said as she motioned to her. Meredith walked over an Miranda embraced her. "I wish it wasn't this way."

"I understand." Meredith said with a nod as she held it all together. "Thank you."

"I appreciate your honesty. It means a lot." Miranda said with a sigh.

"I need to-" Meredith said as she pointed to the door.

"Have a good day." Miranda said as Meredith walked out.

Meredith looked at the clock. She had two hours until she had to meet Derek for lunch. She quickly marched towards the supply closet. She needed to cry. She couldn't keep it in. She walked in the room and slid against the wall to the floor. She hid her face as she cried. How could this be? Because Adrien was so great, nothing would happen to him. She understood that Bailey had to be that way. She was in a bind. She had to do what was best for the hospital. Meredith felt like she was her last hope. And it flew out the window. Now she was working in a war zone.

---------------

"Hey." Derek said as he walked into the locker room. Meredith was pulling her sweater over her head. Derek glanced down at her abdomen. The place where their child resided. He thought he saw a slight bump.

"Hey." Meredith said with a faint smile as she sat on the bench and slide her shoes off. Derek watched as she slid on her black boots.

"So..." He said as he sat next to her and rubbed her back.

"I'm just glad it is you who is stalking me in the locker room." She said with a half-hearted laugh.

"Did you see him today?" Derek asked softly.

"I did not." Meredith said frankly. "And I wasn't even trying to avoid him.

"Well, maybe he has taken a page out of your book..." Derek said with a chuckle. "So how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. I'm not great. Not bad. I'm just okay." She said with a nod.

"Are you good enough to meet Mark and Addison at that sports bar by Seattle Presbyterian?" Derek asked with indifference. "Addie called and asked me."

"Um... Yeah. We can do that." Meredith said with a nod. The truth was that she didn't want to. She wanted to run home and hide under the covers. She wanted to lay in bed for the next several years. But she knew she needed to get out. Maybe it would distract her.

"You're sure?" He asked as he cocked his head.

"Yeah. They are our friends. Maybe it would be good to get out..." She said as she slammed her locker and grabbed his hand. She dropped his hand as they walked down the hallway, going their separate ways.

"Separate cars?" Derek asked as they walked to the lot.

"No." She said as she grabbed some things out of her car and walked to his. "I don't want to be alone."

"Okay." Derek said as he opened her door and helped her in.

Meredith was quiet as they drove. Her tiny hand resting on her abdomen didn't go unnoticed by Derek. His child was in there. That was all he could think. How wonderful it was. The love of his life was breathing life into their unborn child. She was it's sole support. She smiled when she felt his hand rest on hers. She pulled hers away, leaving his on her stomach. She covered his back up with hers and rubbed his.

"You came!" Addison said happily as she stood up. The restaurant was busy. But it wasn't as loud an chaotic as she thought it would be. Most of the men were gathered around the bar and the big screens. "I'm glad you came..."

"Me too." Meredith said with a smile as she slid into the booth. She did feel better, seeing her friend. "Where's Mark?"

"He's up at the bar." Addison said as she pointed. "I'll go drag him away." She said as she walked off.

Meredith sat there and looked into Derek's blue eyes. It all seemed so perfect. Him and her. But yet she kept trying to fool herself. She needed to pretend that they were just in a strange limbo. Not in the serious relationship that they truly were. Meredith's attention was piqued as she listened to the music in the background.

[i_Step inside, walk this way_

_You and me babe, hey hey_

_Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on_

_Livin' like a lover with a radar phone_

_Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp_

_Demolition woman, can I be your man_

_Your man[/i_

"This song brings back some memories..." Derek said happily. Remembering the night they met.

"Yeah. Yeah, it does." Meredith said with a smile. Derek sat there and stared at her.

"You were watching me. That night. You were watching me." Derek said with a nod.

"I was not watching you." She argued. He gave her an unbelieving look. "Fine! I was watching you. But I wasn't just watching you. I was watching everyone. I was just watching. Everyone!" Meredith said with a giggle.

"You were watching me. That's okay. I was watching you too." Derek said with a smile.

"You were not! I was watching you. I would have seen you watching me. You definitely were not watching me." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"Ah! So you admit you were watching me. And for the record... I was watching you. I couldn't not watch you. In fact, you were all I watched. Great peripheral vision I have..." Derek said happily.

"So we were watchers." Meredith said with a laugh.

"Well, for the record I'm glad you were watching me." Derek said with a grin.

"Me too." Meredith agreed.

"So are you still the protector of the liquor?" Derek asked, remembering their first encounter.

"Damn right I am!" She said with a laugh. "Well... Not so much right now." She said as she placed her hand on her stomach.

"I love you." Derek said with a smile. Meredith glanced up at Mark, who was walking back with Addison.

"Hey... How are the babies?" Mark asked Derek with a smirk.

"Babies?" Addison said in shock.

"Well, yeah. The baby, and her baby." He said as he pointed at Meredith.

"Are you ever going to stop calling me that?" Meredith asked as she shook her head.

"No." Mark said frankly as he sat down.

"You are an ass." Meredith said, shaking her head.

"I know." Mark said with a nod.

Meredith was feeling better. They were all talking. Just like old times. She was quickly forgetting about the reality that awaited her. The mess that was all around her. The baby in her stomach that she knew was Derek's. The baby that Adrien hoped was his. There was hurt all around. But not tonight. Tonight she was ordering food and joking with her best friends.

"Do you remember that time Meredith puked all over your dad?" Derek said with a laugh.

"Oh. You wouldn't mean the time that my parents came home early and we were all drunk. The time when she was dancing and he walked in and she puked all over his favorite golf shirt. No. I don't remember that!" He laughed as he looked over at her.

"This baby is not doing that!" Meredith said with a giggle. Derek's heart swelled. She was talking about their baby. Their future

"What? Following in it's mother's footsteps?" Mark said with a laugh.

"Exactly." She said with a smile. "And you Addison, are not so innocent!" Meredith said with a smirk. "Like the time you ran down the road naked."

"Oh and who was beside me?" Addison asked with a raised brow. Meredith smiled coyly. "That's all I'm saying..."

"That was a great night..." Derek said with a nod.

"It was." Mark agreed. He glanced over at the game. "You know that game is on..."

"I know." Derek said with a smile.

"Go ahead. Go watch it for awhile." Meredith said as she grabbed the remainder of his burger and started eating it. "We can talk..." Meredith said as she looked over at Addison. Addison nodded.

"If you insist..." Derek said with a smirk as he stood up. She pushed him playfully and he walked away.

"So... How is it?" Addison asked with a smile.

"How is what?" Meredith said with confusion.

"You. Derek. You guys seem really happy." Addison said happily. "You guys are in a relationship... It's great."

"We uh- No. No! We aren't in a relationship. I'm- I'm thinking!" Meredith said boldly.

"Oh honey... You are in a relationship..." Addison said, feigning sadness.

"I am not!" Meredith insisted. "I'm not!'

"Okay." Addison said, giving up. "You're not." She said, rolling her eyes.

"Thank you..." Meredith said quickly.

"So you and-" Addison started. Meredith dropped her food and looked up.

"Don't say it. I'm trying. I'm trying to be happy. Don't bring him up." Meredith said as her stomach knotted up. Addison looked down and frowned. She wondered why the hell she did that. Why she brought it up.

"So... Uh. I have something- A question..." Meredith finally said after a long silence.

"Okay..." Addison said as she looked up.

"It's uh... I've been thinking about something you said. During my appointment. During the vaginal exam... You said 'Oh.' Like you were surprised. And I- If it were bad, you would have told me, right?" Meredith said nervously.

"Oh. Um- Well. I was going to say something. But Derek was there, and I didn't want to say anything." Addison told her. Meredith started to feel sick. Really sick. What wouldn't she want Derek to know?

"Um. Okay." Meredith said nervously. "Please just say it..."

"Well, you have some scarring. No big deal. But I didn't see anything listed on your chart. It didn't know if you had an abortion or a D & C that you didn't want Derek to know about..." Addison said softly.

"No. No. I never. Nothing. No." Meredith said quickly.

Her stomach dropped. Scarring. Why did she have scarring? She was sick. This made no sense. She shouldn't have anything. Something didn't match up. Things weren't right.

"Oh... Well..." Addison looked up as Mark and Derek walked back up.

"Hey..." Derek said as he leaned down and kissed Meredith. "The game wasn't that great. I'd much rather watch you." He said as he kissed her again. "Are you okay? You're a little pale."

"No. I'm fine. I'm good." Meredith lied. She was worried. And she wasn't even sure why.

**Probably no update on Thursday. Sorry. 3D life, you know? Thanks for all the reviews guys!**


	46. Feeling Doubtful

Meredith was distracted in the car. Scarring. It kept going through her head. Scarring. Why? Why would there be scarring? She had never had anything done. Just one more thing to throw on the pile of worries. It was a pile that was rivaling the nearest landfill. A landfill filled with the mess that was her life. She felt Derek's warm hand grab hers as they drove down the road. That was their thing. He would grab her hand and squeeze it. She would squeeze back. Not today. Today she was too worried. Too distracted. She never even noticed the squeeze.

"You're not okay..." He said softly as he glanced over at her. No answer. "Meredith!" He said loudly.

"Huh? What?" She said as she glanced over.

"You're not okay..." He said again.

"No. I'm fine. I'm okay. Just tired. The baby is tiring me out." Meredith said with a smile as she grabbed his hand and squeezed.

"You're sure?" He asked as he looked over at her at the red light.

"I am." She said with a fake smile.

"Did you have a good time?" Derek asked.

"I did." Meredith said with a grin. [i_Up until the time I found out I have unexplainable scarring in my vagina.[/i _"It was nice. To see them, you know?" [i_Maybe I should have not asked. maybe I should have stayed in the dark. I like the dark. There you don't see me. Not me. Not the scars. Physical or emotional.[/i_

"Yeah. I missed them." Derek told her frankly.

"Me too. I was lonely for a long time." She stated as he pulled up to his parking space.

"Well, I hope you aren't anymore. Because I am here with you." Derek said with a nod.

"I know." She said with a faint smile as she opened her door.

Meredith and Derek walked into the kitchen. She smiled as she looked at him filling a glass of water. Such a simple thing. A little thing that no one would ever notice. But she loved it. She loved him. To watch him. To feel him. He was her life. These little things, she went without them for years. And now that she had him back, she felt like she could finally start over. But yet, the fear still loomed in the back of her head.

Derek turned and looked at her. She hadn't been right since she talked to Addison. Well, honestly she hadn't been right since Adrien found out about the baby. He thought they were going to ride off into the sunset. No such luck. Adrien foiled that plan. Their baby news was ruined by him. Meredith had actually seemed happy about being pregnant. And now he could tell, she was just worried. Constantly on edge. He was just hoping it would all subside soon.

Their eyes met. She looked into the deep blue ocean. The ocean that consumed her hear, her soul. The need was there. He needed her. He slowly walked up to her, covering her lips with his. She leaned back and basked in him. In his sweet taste. In the feeling of his tongue playing playfully and lovingly with hers. The thoughts went through her head like blender. Swirling. Mixing. She was tired and worried. But she loved him. So she grabbed his hand and pulled him to her room.

Meredith's delicate fingers played with the soft hem of his burgundy sweater. Their eyes never looked away as she gently pulled it over his head. Her fingers then rested on his belt. She could feel his erection as her hand grazed the zipper. She was doing this for him.

His boxers slid to the floor, revealing his very ready and waiting penis. She slowly slipped of her own shirt and jeans, letting them fall to the floor. Her hands went to her back as she unclasped her bra, letting it fall down her shoulders. There she stood, in front of him. Their two naked bodies collided. She could feel his hard body against hers. Her perky nipples pressing he flesh. They fell softly on the bed.

[i_Scarring.[/i_

Derek looked into Meredith's green eyes. Her soft honey hair rested on the pillow around her head. So perfect. Her light skin glowed in the soft light shining through her large windows.

[i_I didn't know if you had an abortion...[/i_

"God, Mer... You are so beautiful." Derek said as his hand feathered her skin. He gently rubbed her nipples between his thumb and index finger. She arched her back as they turned into hardened peeks.

[i_Did you have a D & C?[/i_

Meredith closed her eyes as she felt the tears began to well. They had to go away. His lips tease her flesh. His mouth sucked gently on her naval. His hands feathered against her mound. Softly teasing it. Running his fingers along her wet slit.

[i_I didn't want to say anything in front of Derek. I didn't know if he knew.[/i_

Derek's fingers began teasing her clit gently. Nothing. Not a peep. He thrust his finger in and out, spreading her hot cum. Nothing. Not a word. His hand absorbed her moist wetness. Nothing. Not a moan. He felt as her body clenched down, and as she released. It broke his heart.

"Mer..." Derek said sadly as he looked down at her. She didn't even realize her had made it up to her face.

[i_Abortion? D & C?[/i_

"I'm okay." Meredith said as she looked into his saddened eyes.

"No, you're not." He said quietly.

"Just fuck me, Derek." She said as she raked her hands down his back. "Now." She said quickly as she spread her legs for him.

He nodded as he pushed her knees up. It didn't feel right. It felt cold. Ot felt lonely. He groaned as he slid his length deep inside her. Her eyes remained closed as he pounded. In and out. Push and pull. She could feel the sensations taking over her body. But yet, it was different. It was dull. It had never felt like this.

[i_You have scarring. Vaginal scarring. But why?[/i_

"Oh God, Mer... I'm...Oh God!" Derek shouted as his orgasm took over. He released deep inside her, their fluids mixing as they had many times before.

She laid there, Derek deep inside of her. He laid his head on her chest. He could hear it. It was a broken heart. It was a broken heart, with a broken beat. She was sad. And it wasn't Adrien. It was something new. He pulled out and rolled onto his back. She slowly climbed out of the bed and slid her red robe on, walking to the bathroom and shutting the door with a click.

[i_Why didn't anyone notice the scarring before? I have had exams... But I guess they wouldn't say anything. If I had something done, it is my business. But I didn't. Not that I remember. Oh my God. No way. Couldn't be. They wouldn't do that. I would have known. Oh my God... Was I pregnant? This is... You have to know. You have got to find out every thing.[/i_

Meredith sat on the toilet and cried. It was a silent cry. It was a cry that emitted no sound. It was real. It was powerful. It hurt more than any cry she had ever had. It was internal. It was strong. The thought of she and Derek creating a life. A life that was lost. That made her sick. There was just no way. There was definitely another explanation. She had a lot of injuries. Injuries that she didn't know about. She had buried her head for so long. Now it was time to find out. To look at everything herself. Tomorrow she was getting her medical records. No more secrets.

She walked out of the bathroom. Her room was dark. Derek was awake, but he was silent. She laid down softly on the bed, curling up in her own ball. She needed to self soothe. She was in an odd mood. She felt like she had to take care of herself right now. She laid there. Silent. Until sleep came.

----------------

Mark walked into the dark apartment. It was pitch black. It wasn't that late. He had expected to see Meredith and Derek snuggled on the sofa. Or at the very least, the telltale sound of a banging headboard. There was none of that. Silence. That was it. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he saw a red fiery glow on the balcony. As he neared, he saw Derek sitting back in the chair, smoking a cigar.

"What's going on?" Mark said as he walked out and shut the door behind me.

"Hey." Derek said as he handed him a cigar. Mark took it and lit it.

"Meredith is sleeping?" Mark asked as he leaned back.

"Yeah." Derek muttered as he stared out at the skyline.

"What's wrong with you?" Mark asked with a frown.

"I feel like I'm losing my grip on everything. I don't know... When I thought she was dead, she was dead. I never thought she would come back. I never thought I would see her again. And when I saw her, I just assumed it would be like it was. That we would just be those people again. And we're not." Derek said as he took a puff.

"You are. You may not see it, but I do. Addison does too." Mark told him firmly.

"It doesn't feel like it. Sometimes it does. And then it doesn't." Derek mumbled.

"It will be that way. Things are a mess right now." Mark explained. "They will plateau."

"I never thought that there would be these problems. Shit. Kristy is out of the way. Who is the problem? Fucking Adrien de Gaulle. He is world famous. All I remember hearing in med school was de Gaulle and Grey. And now, I don't want to hear a word about those fuckers. I just hope that I don't end up like that. Dead. Emotionless. They crush her, over and over." Derek said with a frown.

"You won't Derek. And you know why?" He asked as he looked up. "Because of her. She changed you. She broke you. She showed you what it was to lose. She made you stronger. She made you compassionate to loss. And then she came back. And you have her. You have all of that. Even when you feel like you are losing your grip, you still have her by a finger. And you will never lose that." Mark explained as he puffed his cigar.

"You know what happened tonight?" Derek said sadly.

"What?" Mark asked.

"I fucked her." Derek said with a frown.

"Seriously. She is like my sister..." Mark told him.

"I need to talk about it." Derek said as he went on. "I fucked her. It had always been love. When I- It's love. It''s deep-"

"Seriously." Mark spat.

"Not [i_that[/i_ deep." Derek said quickly.

"Well, I know it isn't deep." Mark laughed.

"No. I'm not fucking joking around here." Derek said coldly. Mark nodded. "It's deep. We just have these feelings. Not tonight. Tonight was the first time ever. She didn't want it. She was hurting. And I did it anyway. I knew she was in pain and I fucked her. For myself. Not for her. I wasn't going to. She told me to. But I knew. I shouldn't have. I was an ass. It was horrible. To do that. I've never felt that way. She didn't make a sound, Mark. You know Mer..." Derek said with frown.

"She's vocal." Mark pointed out.

"Yeah. And nothing. Tonight, there was nothing. I felt like I was alone. And then she want in the bathroom. Right away. Layer, she came out, and she laid down alone. No attempt to lay with me. She didn't touch me. It's not right. It's not her." Derek explained. "Addison said something. She wasn't fine, but she was okay. Then she talked to Addie. She said something. And Mer won't talk."

"And she won't. Not until she is ready. You know Mer... You just have to stick around. When she needs you, she will come. She just likes to suffer a little. She likes to pretend she can handle it all. But she always comes to you. And she always will." Mark said as he put his cigar out. "All you have to do, it be there." Mark said as he smacked his shoulder and stood up. "I'm hitting the sack."

"Night." Derek said as he headed the door shut.

Mark was right. He just needed to be there. He climbed up from his chair and grabbed a glass of water. This was typical Meredith. Suffering in silence until it was too much. He just needed to be there, even if she pretended she didn't need him. He climbed into the bed and spooned against her. It was there. He hand rested on her tiny baby bump. He felt her hand grab his. He was there. And she knew.


	47. Secrets Revealed

Derek didn't have surgery until ten. He needed to sleep. He was just plain tired. Now Meredith on the other hand. She always had to be there early. Or at least it felt like it. Her whiney interns needed their babysitter. She was so happy that she would be doing her fellowship in less than a year. Soon enough she would be free of the babies. Well, her interns at least.

The morning sickness had finally gone away. She was feeling pretty good when she got up, besides the aching from her myriad of old injuries. She took a shower and threw on her bra and underwear. Walking in the bedroom, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. She stood there in awe. There was a bump. A definite bump. She turned to the side and rubbed her hand on it.

"You look gorgeous." Derek said as he laid there, his hands behind his head. Meredith rolled her eyes and grabbed her shirt off of the chair in the corner.

"There's a bump." She said as she pointed to her stomach. "It's there, right?"

"It's there. But I'm not convinced it's baby." Derek said as he climbed out of the bed and made his way to her.

"What!" She said in shock as she looked at herself.

"Nope, I think it's called eating." Derek said with a laugh.

"You ass!" She said as she hit him with her shirt.

"I'm kidding, Mer." He said quickly.

"I hope so." Meredith said as she gave him the eye.

"It's baby. Definitely baby." He said as he knelt in front of her. "Hey baby." He said as he kissed her tiny stomach.

"I am getting fat." Meredith said with a frown as she pinched her skin.

"You look great." Derek said as he stood and looked into her eyes.

"It's fine. I'm ready." Meredith replied with a faint smile. "To gain weight."

"Well. For the first time, in a long time you are actually eating." Derek said as he rubbed her arm.

"I ate!" Meredith said as she pulled her shirt over her head.

"I don't think tequila and chips from the snack machine counts." Derek said with a laugh.

"No, maybe not. But I did get some occasional protein from bar peanuts." Meredith said with a giggle.

"Impressive." Derek replied with a laugh. "Now I'm here to take care of you." He said as he stroked her cheek.

"And I will let you... I guess." She told him as she rolled her eyes.

"Too bad. You're stuck. And so is baby." He said as he touched her stomach. "And good morning, by the way." He said as he leaned in and kissed her.

"Good morning." She giggled as she kissed him back. "Oh god, your breath."

"What is wrong with my breath?" He asked in shock.

"Seriously?" She laughed. "Uh, I think something crawled in last night and died!"

"What?" He said as he attempted to smell his own breath. He frowned as he looked up at her.

"Okay. It isn't really that bad." She said with a smile. She leaned down and pulled her jeans up, struggling to fasten them. She looked up at him, hair disheveled, and in his pajamas.

"Oh my God." She said as her stomach dropped.

"What?" He said as he rushed over.

"Addison was right..." She said with a frown.

"About what?" He asked. Was this it? The thing that had her so upset?

"Your morning breath. You're always here. We cuddle. We talk. We are in a relationship..." She said in shock.

"I was wondering when you were going to figure that out." Derek said with a big smile.

"Seriously." She said in a huff. "How the hell did this happen?"

"So is that what you were upset about last night?" Derek asked.

"Crap. I'm late." Meredith said as she looked up at the clock.

"Seriously?" Derek said as he followed her out.

"Seriously." She said as she grabbed her bag.

"Mer, wait." Derek said as he grabbed her. "I need to say something."

"What?" She said as she looked at her watch.

"I love you. And last night, you were hurting. You were sad. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I did that. I was only thinking about myself. I took advantage. And I'm sorry. And when you are ready to talk about what's going on, I'm here." He explained as he looked into her eyes.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Der." She said as she kissed him. "I'll see you later."

Derek stood there with a frown on his face. She was in her "I'm fine" mode. She was pretending that everything was great. Pretending that she wasn't hurting. But he wasn't going to let her do that. She would open up. She just needed time.

-----------------

It was a busy day. When it rained, it poured. Well, if you asked Meredith, that would be what she would tell you. It seemed like everyone who came in was a cardio case. Cases that she could handle. Adrien was around. He didn't talk. He didn't nod. Didn't smile. He actually acted like she didn't exist. Not that she cared. Well, maybe she did. Because deep down in her heart, she had loved him. She truly did. And now she didn't exist to him.

Meredith walked her way down to the cafeteria. She and Derek hadn't talked about lunch. It was their thing. There was a small room in the basement. It was abandoned. It had a couple of desks. But more importantly, it seemed that know one knew it was there. But today she would be without him. She would eat in public with Kristy.

"So... How are you feeling?" Kristy asked with a smile as Meredith met up with her in the lunch line.

"Shh... No one knows." Meredith said as she looked around. "I'm actually feeling really good."

"Oh, Mer." Kristy said as she tipped her head.

"What?" Meredith asked with a smile.

"You. You're going to be such a cute little mommy!" She replied with a giggle.

Meredith grabbed a turkey sandwich and a package of vegetables and dip. She looked around the cafeteria. She really wanted to see Derek. But at the same time, she didn't. Because he was caring, and being Derek. He was worried and being sweet. And she didn't want that. All she wanted was to find out what her medical records said. They were being faxed and sent over. Probably now that papers were printing. After she knew, then she could make her move. Not until then.

"So has that bastard, has he said anything?" Kristy asked as they sat down.

"Kris, I can't. I can't talk about him right now. I just- Right now I need to be happy." Meredith said as she opened her package and grabbed a carrot stick.

"Okay." Kristy said with a nod. "So, when are we going to paint the nursery?"

"What? Paint the nursery..." Meredith said in shock.

"Well, yeah. It's never too soon. Plus you want to do it early. The fumes... Did you know I can paint? I could do a mural!" Kristy said happily.

"You paint?" Meredith asked.

"I do. I painted this mural in our- My bathroom. It was beautiful if I do say so myself!" Kristy said happily.

"That would be nice." Meredith muttered as she watched Derek walk into the cafeteria.

"Yeah? That spare room, right? We could do like an enchanted forest theme." Kristy pointed out.

"Oh yeah." Meredith nodded as she ate.

Their eyes met. The blue. The green. They met, causing a sea of warmth and sparks. Kristy didn't even notice. She was talking away about themes. But Meredith was looking into his eyes. They were worried eyes. He was concerned. She dropped her eyes down. She couldn't invite him into her head right now. Not yet.

"So, do you want to buy some paint?" Kristy asked.

"Sure. I have a short day on Saturday." Meredith said with a nod.

"Great. I have to go..." She said as she stood up. "But I'll call you, this weekend, we paint." She said with a smile as she took off towards the exit.

"Hey." Derek said as he walked up.

"Dr. Shepherd." Meredith said with a nod. "You shouldn't be here." She told him as she looked around the cafeteria.

"Why? We're colleagues." Derek said with as smirk.

"And people are already talking." Meredith said as she stood up. "See you later, Dr. Shepherd." She said as she walked away, taking her half sandwich with her.

Derek jumped up. She was just far enough ahead that he could follow her. He watched as she quickly walked down the stairs. She was going to the basement. And now, so was he. He turned the corner and opened the door to their room.

"Hey." He said as he walked in.

"What are you doing down here?" She asked as she sat on the desk.

"Following you who is avoiding me." He said with raised brows. "You who is hiding away from me. Not telling me things. Hanging on to your secret pain."

"You are such a woman." She replied as she rolled her eyes.

"I know." Derek told her with a nod. "And I want you to talk to me. It's not good for you. It's not good for the baby." He said as he walked towards her. She felt his cock between her legs as he leaned against the desk.

"My little woman." She said with a giggle as she leaned forward and kissed him. He tongue tangoed with his. "Oh god..." She moaned as their kiss deepened.

"What do you want?" He asked as he pulled away and looked into her dark eyes. There was only two times when Meredith's eyes turned dark. And she wasn't mad.

"I want you." She said softly. She slowly ran her hands down his crotch.

"Is that what you want?" He asked, dragging it out of her. His cock began to harden at her touch.

"I want you to fuck me. Now. Hard." She moaned as her dark eyes looked into his.

"Yeah?" He asked. She slid off the desk, and he pushed her against the wall, devouring her neck. She could feel his tongue tasting the sweet skin on her collarbone. He felt her fumble at his scrub pant drawstring. She pulled them down swiftly. She pulled at her own scrub pants. Their pants laid there, together, abandoned happily.

"Fuck me..." She moaned as he shoved her against the wall. She wrapped her right leg around him, resting it on his ass. He looked down at her and smiled before thrusting deep inside.

"You are tight..." He said with a smile. "And wet."

"I think about you. All day long. All the dirty little- Oh God!" She moaned into his shoulder, biting down. She wrapped her another leg around him as he thrust into her, driving her into the wall.

"Oh god..." He moaned as she moved her hips, rivaling his motion.

"Harder... Derek, I need it harder..." She moaned as she pushed into him. He smiled as he drove into her as hard as he could. "Oh god...oh god...fuck...Derek!!"

"Shit...Oh god Mer...fuck." He moaned as he squeezed her ass with his hands. He turned as sat her back on the desk, driving into her harder.

"Ohhhh..." She moaned as she tightened around her, releasing hot fluid around him.

"Oh god..." He moaned as he released. He could feel her clamping and releasing around him. "Oh..." He pulled out and stood up, looking at her.

Meredith quickly slid her pants on and looked up into his eyes. He wanted to talk. He wanted her to explain.

"Okay. See you tonight. I have to work late, but I'll be there." She said as she tied her pants and open the door.

"That's it? Fuck me and leave?" He asked in shock.

"Yep." She said as she walked out. "You are such a cute little woman." She laughed.

-------------------

Derek woke up and rolled over. He went to sleep at ten. He was planning on staying up, but she said she'd be late. Mark was only god knows where. She he decided to read his newest medical journal. Apparently he had fallen asleep at some point. He looked over at the glowed green light of the clock. Meredith insisted on green. It was more calming. It was one in the morning. One am, and she wasn't there. Her side of the bed was cold.

Derek quickly jumped out of the bed. One am and she wasn't home. He walked out to the living room. He was expecting her to be on the sofa fast asleep. She wasn't. His next stop was the balcony. She frequented that a lot. Especially when she was stressed out. Not there either. He walked down the hallway and swung Mark's door open.

"Mark!" Derek said loudly.

"What?" Mark grumbled loudly as he rolled over. The light from the hallway hit him right in the eyes, causing him to cover his face.

"Have you seen Mer? Derek asked quickly. "I don't think she came home from the hospital."

"What? She was done when I left at eleven." Mark explained as he sat up.

"Done? Did she say what she was doing?" Derek asked with concern.

"No. I assumed she was heading home." Mark said as he laid back down.

"I'm going to try and call her." Derek said as he shut the door.

Derek walked into her room and grabbed the phone by the bed. He dialed the number he knew by heart. It rang. And rang. Then voicemail. He tried it over and over. No answer. He started to worry. Adrien scared her. He cornered her. What if he had done something? He quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

The drive to the hospital was fast. The traffic was non existent. He went over the speed limit. He was scared. He was truly scared. His fear subsided slightly as he pulled into the lot. Her Jeep was sitting there. It hadn't moved from it's spot. He nearly ran into the entrance, opting for the stairs.

His search was not turning anything up. She wasn't in any of the on-call rooms. She wasn't in the pit. She wasn't anywhere. He continued looking everywhere. Where could she be? Finally he made his way to the vascular lab. The lights were on. He punched in his code and walked in. She was sitting at a table reading over a huge pile of papers.

"You didn't answer your phone." He said angrily. It wasn't really anger, so much as fear coming out as anger.

"I- It didn't ring!" She said as she grabbed it. "Shit. The battery is dead."

"What?" Derek said in shock. "I have been in a panic searching for you. And your freaking battery is dead?" He said quickly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't even hear it beeping." She said with a frown.

"So what are you doing?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"Reading my medical records. Look at this." She said as she picked up the huge stack. "I have never seen so much paper in my life."

"Mer... You need sleep. You have rounds in the morning. This can wait." Derek said as he walked up beside her.

"No it can't." She said frankly as she kept reading.

"Mer... It can. You're here. You're alive." He said as he grabbed the paper from her.

"No! I need to do this, Derek." She said as she grabbed the paper back.

"Okay." He said with astonishment. He stood there and watched her. She was in the zone. "You know, I always wanted to see these. I thought- Well, if I saw them... Maybe it would help." Derek said with a frown. She smiled distractedly as she handed him the ones she already read. "So, what are you looking for?"

"Stuff." Meredith said quickly. "I- I don't understand."

"Don't understand what?" Derek asked.

"How? How am I alive?" She said in shock. "I'm a human robot. Bionic woman..." She said in shock. "I see it... I see why you thought I died. I should have." He nodded sadly as he sat down beside her.

They sat there in silence. They were reading. It was unbelievable. Meredith was exhausted, but she had to know. For her own sanity, she had to know. She looked over page after page. She was more in shock with each one. She looked down at the next page. Her heart stopped. She felt sick. Everything went into slow motion. She dropped the page and burst into tears.

"Mer! Oh my god, Meredith. What is wrong?" He asked as he dropped the papers and looked at her.

"They- Addie- Right. They did it. The scarring. It was- They evacuated the fetus." she said as she sobbed.

"What? What fetus?" He asked quickly. His face fell to the paper before him. He picked it up and began reading. His heart sank with hers. They had a child. They had created a life. And Richard and Ellis had ended it.


	48. Trapped With Hate

She cried in his strong arms. They wrapped around her, making her feel safe. As safe as she could feel. It wasn't the outside that was the danger. It was the inside. The inner turmoil. The inner pain. She felt like she was sinking. She had already been standing on unsteady ground for years. But now, unsteady didn't began to cover it. She was standing on a pile of rumble. Sliding down the hill with the mud. Falling down the mountain with the avalanche. But she wouldn't drown. She wouldn't suffocate. Derek was there.

Derek sat there and held her. He was in shock. She had been pregnant. Apparently she hadn't known when they got in the accident. Five weeks. Just beginning. It made him sick. Losing his child. But what made him more sick, is that it was his, and he never knew. Richard and Ellis kept it from him. Just one more thing that they did. One more piece to throw on the pile of lies. He took in a deep breath as he thought. It hurt. And it was wrong. But at the same time, he would have made the same decision. Anything to save her.

"I'm so sorry, Mer." He said as he kissed her head. She took a deep breath and pulled away.

"It's so scary, Derek. You have no idea." She said with a frown. "Everything I knew, was a lie. It was partial truth. And when I learn to accept it, more comes flooding in." She said as the tears ran.

"I know, Mer. I do. It's not fair. You have been climbing this hill for so long." Derek said as he wiped her tears.

"I just want to let go. If I let go, it would be over. To just crash to the bottom and die... I'm so tired, Derek." She said as she laid against his chest. "I can't keep climbing."

"You can." He said as he stroked her hair. "You can Mer. The baby needs you. I need you. You aren't giving up, I'll carry you if I have to. But you aren't giving up. I hear the view from the top is spectacular." He said with a grin.

"I think it's a lie. I don't think there is a top." She said as she closed her eyes. "I just don't understand how they could do that? How could they make that decision? It's not theirs. And you." She said as she looked up. Derek looked down at her. "What about you?" She asked as she stroked his cheek. He swallowed hard as he looked into her green eyes. "You lost a baby too." She said as her tears began to form once again. She watched as Derek's eyes pooled with hot tears. Slowly they fell, one after another.

"It hurts." Derek finally said. "But- You were hurt Meredith. You have read it in those files. You lived it. You do live it. But you weren't there. To see it from the outside. I have been a surgeon for nine years. I have never-" His voice started to crack as the tears fell harder. "I have never seen anyone more broken. And I- If I- If I had to chose- If I had to pick between the two, I'd chose you. I know it's selfish, but I can't- I ended up losing you anyway. But-"

"Derek-" She said in shock as her stomach started to flip. "Are you saying you agree with them?" She asked in astonishment. Her whole body tensed up.

"No- I- They did it for the wrong reasons. Or maybe not-" Derek started.

"Shut up! Shut up!" She said as she stood up and began piling her papers. "Shut up before you say the wrong thing. They killed our baby, Derek. And that's unforgivable." She told him as she grabbed the gigantic pile and walked away.

"No! Meredith. Damn-it, Mer! That's not what I'm saying." He said as he grabbed her arm. "Stop." He said as he sat the papers down and pulled her close. "I love you." He said as he held her close. "I can't lose you. Don't you see? You are the love of my life. I can't imagine being without you. And now we have lost a baby. But we will be okay. We have each other. And we have a new life. They doesn't replace the one that was lost, but it's a new beginning." He said as he pulled her closer and held her. "You and I and our baby."

"A new beginning." She said in a whisper into his chest.

-------------------

Derek insisted that Meredith stay home from work. It was two am before they even walked in the door of her apartment. She insisted she go. Who won? Who do you think? Meredith got her two hours sleep, and was not so ready to get up in the morning. Derek got up with her. He didn't want to. But he couldn't expect her to suffer alone.

"Oatmeal?" Derek asked as he looked over at her. "You hate oatmeal."

"You're right, I do. But that is what we have. And it's fast. Apparently someone hasn't bought bread." Meredith muttered as she swirled her spoon in the goo. The goo that she had made way too thick for her liking.

"Oh. And who exactly would that someone be?" Derek asked as he raised one brow and looked across the table at her.

"That would be Mark. I don't know what the hell he is doing. He was doing so well. He was like my momma. Well, a much better version. And now, nothing. Not a thing. I never see him." Meredith pouted as she spooned her oatmeal.

"Apparently he thinks I have taken over his job." Derek pointed out.

"Yeah? And what would that be?" Meredith asked as she looked over.

"Taking care of you." He said frankly as he took a bite of his toast.

"Oh. And I can't do that myself? I have to have men around to do that for me?" She asked sarcastically.

"We've been over this. You need someone to take care of you. You don't do a good job on your own." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Thanks for that. Thanks." She grumbled as she pushed her oatmeal away.

"Done already?" He asked as he looked in the bowl.

"With that poison? Yes." She said quickly as she rose from the table. "This is shit. No coffee. Crappy breakfast.; Things need to change around here," He said as she placed the bowl in the sink.

"They do?" He asked as he looked up.

"Yes." Meredith told him. "They do." She said as she kissed his cheek.

"So. I'm not doing my job?" He asked quickly.

"Not very well." She giggled as she walked over and slid her shoes on.

"Well, then. Maybe you should fire me?" He asked as he watched her get ready.

He watched as she sat on the antique stool by the door. Meredith loved that stool. He remembered it from their old house. Not _their_ old house. The old house. Ellis and Richard's house. Richard had bought the stool for Meredith to stand on to brush her teeth. And now it was here, in her apartment. Richard was that type. To hold onto things. That was why it was so hard to believe what they did.

"What?" Meredith asked as she straightened her pant leg.

"I was just thinking. That is your stool. The one you had growing up. And now our child is going to use that exact same one." He mused as he looked at it.

"That's true. I never thought about that." She said with a grin, remembering Richard making her brush her teeth.

"It's amazing. You and I. Parents." Derek pointed out.

"Yeah." Meredith said with a smile. [I_And we would have been parents. Fourteen years ago. We would have had a baby. I would have been caring for our child. I wonder what it would have been like. Derek coming home to us every night. She'd, well, maybe he. It. It would almost be a teenager. We would be worried about parties and getting into trouble by now.[/I_

"You okay?" Derek asked as he walked up.

"Yeah." Meredith said with a nod as she put her hand on the doorknob.

"You were thinking about the baby." Derek said with a look of sadness in his eyes. The hurt was apparent. It was faint, but it was there.

"I have to go." She said as she leaned in and kissed him softly. "I will see you later."

"Bye." Derek said with a smile.

He quickly shut the door and looked at his watch. It was wrong. So wrong. But he was tired. He crossed the room and laid down on the sofa. Fluffing the pillow underneath his head, he laid back and closed his eyes. So was off to work, and he was cheating. She was going on two and a half hours sleep, and he was cheating. He was taking a nap.

------------------

"Dude. Grey looks like the walking dead." Danny Carter whispered as they walked down the hall.

"She's a freaking zombie. Usually, by now, she would hear us and yell." Justin Weathers pointed out as they continued on.

"Too much sex?" Mather asked as he glanced over.

"Not with de Gaulle. He has been a total asshole. Trust me, he isn't getting any." Carter pointed out.

"You guys are idiots." Dina Eastman said as she rushed ahead of them and rolled her eyes.

"That we are." Kent Mather said with a chuckle.

"Okay. Mather. I need you with Sloan all week. He has a burn victim that is going to need a lot of work. Pierce, you are with Dr. Daniels. She has a high-risk pregnancy flying in about an hour. Weathers. I'm sure Dr. Shepherd will need you when and if he ever comes in. Until he does, go to the pit. And Carter you are with me. I have a valve replacement in an hour. The patient is in 3521, and I expect him prepped. Go." She said to the two that hadn't run off yet.

She rolled her eyes at her needy interns. She loved to be hard on them. Her resident had been the nastiest on in the history of man. But she learned a lot from him. And she wanted her interns to succeed. She wanted to be able to say she did the best she could with them. But when it came right down to it, she would stick by them no matter what. And she knew they would do the same.

"Dr. Grey?" One of the younger nurses that Meredith didn't know said as she walked up.

"Yes?" Meredith asked without even looking up.

"Dr. de Gaulle is looking for you." She said softly as she stood there. She was intimidated by this woman that so many called the resident bitch.

"What does he want?" Meredith snapped as she looked up.

The thought of Adrien looking for her made her sick. Really sick. What could he want? Oh like it was a question. He assumed the baby was his. Insisted even. And the truth is, if it really was his. She would never keep that from him. And she had hoped that in his heart he knew that. But apparently he didn't. He was one of the few guys she knew that didn't think with his penis. And now, the more she got to know him. The more she learned that he didn't think at all.

"Um…." The nurse said nervously. Now she had a reason to be scared.

"Spit it out!" Meredith shouted loudly.

"He needs you top scrub in on his surgery. He needs you in the operating room now." The nurse explained.

"Shit." Meredith said loudly. "I have surgery."

"He said it would have to be bumped." The nurse told her.

"Fuck." Now she really did feel sick. "Which OR?" Meredith asked.

"OR 2." The nurse replied.

Meredith placed her chart back on the stand and began her march. The march that she didn't want to do. The march to the operating room where the man she feared waited. He waited for his prey. He waited so he could pounce on her. Take her out in one fallow swoop. She took in a deep breath as she walked into the scrub room. Her eyes fell on his, standing at the table. He glanced over. Cold met cold. And the results were chilling.

"Dr. Grey. How nice of you to finally join us." Adrien said coldly as she walked up.

"Finally?" She asked as she approached the table. "That's funny, seeing how I nearly ran here after I found out."

"You wouldn't know it." He muttered under his breath. "Well, in case you didn't inquire. In case you didn't check the board, we are doing a humpty dumpty here."

"A humpty dumpty?" She said quickly. "Why didn't you tell me this morning?"

"I have better things to do than run around looking for my resident and her half-wit interns." Adrien told her as they continued to work.

"I beg your pardon?" She said quickly. "My interns are not half-wits. In fact, they are quite talented."

"Maybe at getting laid in the on-call room." Adrien said loudly.

"Is there something I should know? Maybe in my spare time I should be the sex police..." She said sarcastically.

"You wouldn't be very good. Seeing as you can't even control yourself." Adrien said nastily.

"I am done. Done with this. You aren't going to stand here and demean me. I am better than that." Meredith told him in a stern voice. "You're not going to stand here and treat me like shit."

"Wow. Isn't this a change? Meredith Grey now has nerve. How did that happen?" Adrien asked as he glanced up at her.

"You know, I really wonder how the hell I did this... How in the hell did I end up with you? I thought I had better judgment than this." She said quickly. She was going all out. She had been pushed over the edge. Adrien. Ellis. Richard. The baby she lost. She was done being a doormat.

"You? Me. I thought I was smarter. But I guess you have your ways. Like a spider. You catch men in your web, then you devour them." Adrien mused as he worked.

"Well, a month ago, I would have never believed it. That you would be such and ass. But I think now I can say, meeting you was the worst thing that I ever did." She grumbled.

"I'm just glad I got away. Well, nearly. You and I do have unfinished business." He told her.

"Actually, we don't. It was a clean cut. No, I guess it was a tear. A nasty tear. A nasty tear that can't be sewn back together. I don't want you to think you have a chance. You don't. Not a chance in hell." She told him as she glared at him across the table.

"Thank god for that. Because I don't want it." Adrien spat. "So how is it, being all warm and cozy with Derek?"

"It's wonderful." Meredith said quickly. "Dare I say mind blowing?"

"You always did have a way with your mouth. It's one of your few talents." Adrien said with an evil grin.

"Oh, I have many talents. You will never know. See, you didn't give me the tools to work with. But I guess you can't give what you don't have." Meredith said with a giggle.

"You're a bitch. And you aren't very good in bed." Adrien muttered.

"Well, you are a delusional bastard who has a pencil dick." She said back as she looked up at him.

"Just stop. This is ridiculous." Adrien said with a sigh.

"Stop what? Defending myself? You don't like it when I don't lay down for you?" Meredith asked.

"No. I like it better against the wall." He said with a smile.

"That's funny, seeing how you never had it. That's something Derek and I share." She said nastily.

She watched as his face dropped. He remained silent. That one stung. It hit him hard, and it wasn't even the worst she had said. The only things that were said for the remainder of the surgery were small monotone comments. Comments regarding the procedure.

Meredith stood there sleepily. She was exhausted. The two hours of sleep were really getting to her as she stood in Adrien's side-car. Usually he would let her help. Back when he loved her. Back when he cared. She did everything. But today he was tormenting her. He was bending every which way just so he could do it himself. She didn't care. She was far too tired to care about anything at the moment.

The baby loomed in her head. Not the baby in her stomach. Not the one that was waiting there happily to meet the world. No. It was the one that was scraped out and sucked away. It made her ill. She stood there and thought about it. Sucking a life out. Her stomach turned. She felt a wave of nausea come over her. Her mouth clenched as she tried to hold it down. She took several deep breaths and changed her thoughts. She thought about Derek. And the step stool when she was a kid. Painting the nursery. And Mark. And Addison. And soon it went away. But not forever.

"Thanks for your help in there." Adrien said as he washed his hands. Meredith nodded and didn't look up.

"I'm sorry, Mer. Things got a little out of hand in there." He told her.

"Yeah. I guess they did." She muttered as she grabbed a paper towel. She went to open the door and Adrien stopped her.

"Look. Everything good I ever said about you. To you. I never lied to you. And this is why this is hard to say. You are a good person. I know you mean well. But you aren't well. You are broken all the way around. And that's why, when you get the test-" He started.

"I'm not. I told you that. No test. Not until the baby is born. I'm not risking miscarriage or infection. Not for you. Not for Derek." Meredith told him quickly.

"So Derek is questioning the paternity?" Adrien said with a laugh.

"No. No he isn't. I'm just stating facts. I want there to be no question." Meredith said quickly.

"The risks are minuet, and you know it. You just don't want to know the truth." Adrien spat.

"I do. I don't need the test. I know the truth." Meredith said softly.

"Well, with that being said. I believe you have good in you. But I had to pull you off of the balcony. And I've pulled bottles out of your hand. You aren't a mother, Meredith. You won't be a good mother. You can't even take care of yourself. So, after we confirm that the baby is mine. When it is born. I want custody." Adrien spat.

"What?" She said in shock as she lunged at him. He quickly crashed back into the wall. "This is my baby. Do you hear me? It's not even born yet, and you want to take it? No. Not a chance. Over my dead body." She said as she grabbed his face. "Do you hear me?"

"See... This is what I am talking about." Adrien spat.

"Over my dead body." She said as she shoved him and walked away.

"Have it your way." He said coldly as the door shut.


	49. Stress Reliever

Meredith's valve replacement was rescheduled. It had to be. The humpty dumpty that Adrien insisted she scrub in on took all day. It wasn't even as if she made a difference. She stood there. She had less rights than an intern in that operating room. Adrien was doing it on purpose. Doing the little things that drove her mad. And she couldn't take it.

She climbed sleepily into her Jeep. She hadn't seen Derek all day. He was on the board. He had done a craniotomy, but he was already gone. She wasn't surprised. It had been a whole day thing with Adrien. Purposely. He wanted to steal her time. Steal everything from her. No lunch. She had worked through lunch. No basement meetings either. No Derek.

She was tired. Exhausted. But the anger was too much. She couldn't hold it in. Before she would have been upset. Probably cried herself to sleep. But last night it hit her. She had to be strong. People had been running over her for years and it had to stop. It just had to.

She weaved angrily in and out of traffic. You would think that someone who had been one with twisted metal, fiberglass and pavement, would be a little smarter. But no. Her thoughts weren't on safety at the moment. They were on the fact that she wanted to kill Adrien. She pulled up quickly in her spot. Mark wasn't there. It really wasn't that late. She heard him mutter something about going out tonight. She didn't expect him back until late.

She hurried down to her door. Her key was ready and waiting and she placed it in the lock and turned. She looked up to see Derek on the sofa. As she walked in, he stood up and crossed the room, stopping in front of her.

"How was your day?" He asked with a smile. She didn't answer.

Meredith attacked him. Her lips pressed needfully and angrily against his. She didn't wait for his lips to part for her tongue's entrance. She forced it. It thrust into his hot mouth, not playing gently with his. It was angry. Fighting. Fighting for power. Taking out the frustrations that were overcoming her body, her soul. Derek pulled away in shock as he looked into her eyes. They were cold and hard.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he backed away. She pressed forward, walking towards him. Stalking him. He continued to backup. "Meredith..." He said as he hurried.

He wasn't afraid. Not of her. He could never be afraid of her. But she looked dark. She was scary. She kept on, her eyes on his. He couldn't read her. He could always read her. Read her mind. Her eyes. Her body language. He couldn't this time. All he saw was darkness. She moved towards him as he backed. He caught his foot on the ottoman and fell backwards onto the carpeting.

He laid there on his back as he looked up at her. She held the power. And she looked like she was going to use it. He hated to admit it. But it turned him on. To see her in a rage. To see her ready to take over. To rule. His cock began to rise as he looked up at her, a foot on either side of his hips. She dropped to her knees and bent down. Her mouth ravaged him. His neck. His mouth. His ears. She was biting and kissing. Her jean clad mound resting over his hard awaiting cock.

She ripped her shirt over her head and threw it across the room. Derek ran his warm hands up her back and unclasped her bra, letting it slide off her shoulders. He was being to gentle for her liking. She grasped either side of his button down shirt and ripped it. Small buttons flew around them like rain. His eyes got wide at her hastiness.

Meredith quickly stood up and ripped her jeans and panties off. She came back down, hard on his covered penis. The sensation of his hard member awaiting her made her moan loudly. She leaned down, running her tongue over his chiseled chest. Her fingers played at the hairs until she grabbed a small handful and tugged.

"Fuck! That fucking hurts." He yelped as she tugged.

"You know you like it." She growled as she licked his chest.

She moved down, and grazed her teeth along his tight flesh. She greedily bit down hard on the skin, causing him to cry out and jerk. She moved on, biting hard. He winced as she played with his zipper. He was now fearful. If she did any on her previous motions to his manhood, it would bring him to tears.

He leaned up as she slid his jeans and boxers down with one swoop. His cock popped out, ready and waiting. She smiled as she leaned down, tracing the vein with her soft finger. He closed his eyes as she and her sharp fingernail down his length.

"Oh, god..." He moaned as his hips moved.

Her head went down as she encompassed his thick shaft into her tiny mouth. He heard loud moans and gasped come from him as she ran her teeth and lips up and down him. Her head bobbed wildly as he thrust himself into her mouth. She groaned as the tip of his cock hit the back of her throat. She was completely filled by him, and it was total pleasure. He grunted as he pounded into her mouth, his balls hitting her. She felt the pressure building until it couldn't anymore. He released his hot cum deep into her. She swallowed it happily as it poured out of her mouth. She licked her lips and moaned as she looked down at him. His head went back as he came down from his high.

She wasn't done as her mouth trailed his groin and hip bone. His eyes got wide as he anticipated another hair pulling session. She softly nipped and pulled at his tiny nipples. Her teeth tugged them away from his chest. Her mouth run up his shoulder as she bit down, leaving a perfect bite mark.

"Do you want me?" She whispered as her hot breath grazed his lips.

He nodded and her lips crashed onto his. He could feel her her hot and ready pussy resting on his chest. He maneuvered his hand and began stroking her gently. He felt her wiggled from his touch as he continued pushing her further and further to the edge.

"Come for me, Mer. Come on baby. Come for me." He said deeply. She screeched as her body clenched down and hot cum poured out of her and ran onto his chest.

"Oh god..." She moaned as she felt her body continue to pulsate.

She leaned back, and grazed his crotch, feeling his hard cock ready for another round. She rose up softly and looked into his eyes before lowering herself down on him hard. They both moaned as his length penetrated deep inside of her. She clenched her jaw and began pumping furiously. Derek groaned as she rode him harder than she ever had before. Her anger was apparent as she scratched her fingers down his chest. She left twenty moon shaped divots on his shoulders as she pumped hard, driving him in deeply.

"Oh...God...I'm...shit, Mer..." He yelped as he thrust upward into her.

"I'm...coming...I'm...oh god...I'm coming..." She screamed as he clenched around him. Tightening and releasing. Milking him dry.

"Oh god..." He moaned as he spilled into her. She began pumping again on him, causing her sensitive clit to drive her into another immediate orgasm.

"Oh..." She moaned as she slumped.

They both laid there in a sweaty mess, trying to grasp what had just happened. It was angry. It was hot. It more than they had ever felt before. She pulled herself off of him, rubbing the carpet burns that now adorned her body. She sighed as she laid there on his chest. He remained silent. They would talk. But right now, he had to rest, because she had sucked everything from him. Figuratively and literally.

"Where are you going?" Derek asked as he watched Meredith climb to her feet and begin picking up her clothes.

"I need a shower." Meredith said as she started to walk away.

"Oh. What a coincidence. So do I." He said with a smirk as he climbed to his own feet.

She rolled her eyes as she walked away. Derek smirked as he watched her cute little ass make it's way down the hallway. He followed in his own nude glory. He walked over to the dresser. He had a drawer. He wasn't even sure if she realized it. Well, she had to have realized it, he did get into it everyday. But is was one of those things that she dealt with. If he pointed it out, she'd freak out. But as long as it went supposedly unnoticed, it was okay.

It shocked him. He rarely went home. It had been days since he had even picked up his mail. He was wrapped up in her. Everything revolved around her. When she would be home. When she wanted to eat. When she wanted to sleep. When she wanted sex. It was all her. He was whipped. And he loved it.

Derek watched as Meredith disappeared into the thick steam. He was more than ready to join her. She hadn't resisted. She hadn't told him no. So he happily followed her into the steam. Otherwise known as a fog. And it's distant relation, it could also be known as a sex fog.

Derek looked at her tense body. He could see it in her back. He grabbed her favorite sweet pea body wash and lathered it on her back. She moaned as she stood there, enjoying the experience of Derek taking care of her. His hands wrapped around her and rubbed her chest softly. His hands began to caress her breasts, as he played with her rosy nipples. She pushed back and pressed her firm ass into his hard cock.

It was all downhill from there. They were rolling like a snowball as she turned around. Before she knew it, her leg was nearly on his shoulder as he thrust into her. Over and over. This time it was less angry. It was more soft. More caring. More about Derek taking care of her. Her back laid against the cold tile as he pounded into her over and over. Her hands caressed his back. She felt herself at the tipping point. The point of pleasure that was just a precursor to the pure pleasure that was really coming. They both moaned as they released together. She pulled back and let her foot fall back to the floor. She would definitely regret doing that to her hip. She laid her head against the wall, and closed her eyes, coming down from her high.

There she silently cried. Not because of Derek. Not because of the sex. Because of the pain. No sobs. No moans. Just the small tears that trickled out of her eyes and mixed with the water that was misting her face. Derek didn't notice as she pulled herself together and continued to wash her body. Nothing was said as they climbed out and dried themselves off.

"I'm hungry." Meredith said as she pulled her clothes on. "The baby is too."

"Then we must feed mom and baby." Derek said with a smirk as he pulled his pants up.

"Good." Meredith said as she opened the door and walked out. She heart the rustling of bags as she neared the kitchen.

"I brought home food. I hope you guys didn't eat." Mark said as he placed the containers of Mexican food on the counter.

"Nope." Meredith said with a smile. "I'm eating. Then I'm sleeping. I'm exhausted."

"I bet you are." Mark said quickly. "How was the humpty dumpty?"

"You didn't tell me you did a humpty dumpty." Derek said as he looked up. "You and Adrien..." It hit him. "You worked with Adrien today?"

"Yep." Meredith muttered as she opened the boxes and grabbed an enchilada.

"And?" Derek asked.

"And I am starving." She said as she grabbed her food and went to the sofa.

"What the hell was that?" Derek asked.

Now the anger was explained. She had to spend several hours next to the man she hated so much. Several with him most likely verbally abusing her. He silently chided himself for not knowing this. For not making it a point to know where she was today.

"She worked with asshole. Enough said?" Mark asked as he grabbed his food.

"Shit." Derek muttered as he followed Mark to the living room. He looked over at Meredith who was pretending to be interested in the television.

"So?" Mark asked Meredith. She didn't answer. "Hey. Baby! What the hell happened today?" Mark said loudly.

"Can't I have one fucking night without you guys asking me questions? Can't I just fucking have a break?" She shouted as she glared at them.

They both sat there silently. She was hurting. He knew Adrien said yet another thing that upset her. But this time, instead of breaking down, she had attacked Derek. She displaced her frustrations. Although it was mind blowing, it was still not healthy. It hurt. It hurt to know that everyday she walked into a war zone. And that war zone was where she had to be. It was where she worked.

"Meredith, we just want to help." Derek told her softly. She sighed and looked over.

"I'm sorry." She told them both. "I'm just tired. I want to eat my food and go to bed."

And she did. She quickly shoveled in the plateful of food and stood up. Walking in the kitchen she threw the container in the trash and grabbed a small glass of water. She was worrying. Should she be? She wasn't even sure at this point. She threw it back like a shot and laid her hands on the counter, hanging her head.

Derek walked in and looked at her in shock. The track lighting made her wet hair shine. Her soft skin glowed. Maybe it was the pregnancy. But she looked amazing. On the outside she looked perfect. But standing there. Seeing her. He knew she wasn't.

"What's going on? What did he say?" Derek asked as he walked over to her and stood. She remained in her same position as she began to talk.

"Adrien wants full custody." Meredith said frankly.

"What!" Derek shouted loudly. Mark's ears perked, but he remained in the living room.

"He said, that I wasn't meant to be a mother. Maybe he's right. He saw me in some of my bad times. I was broken. I'm still cracked. And he said that if the baby is his, he wants custody." She said as she straightened up and looked at him.

"First of all, don't listen to him. You will be a wonderful mother. You will. You love with your whole heart. When you love, when you do it right. You throw in all the chips. And nothing could go wrong. You couldn't mess up. Not when you love that strongly. And secondly, no judge in his right mind would grant custody to him. You are this baby's mother. And third. Why are you worrying? The baby is mine. It's ours. He won't get very far. He won't because this our child." Derek explained as he pulled her close.

"I know that. Most of it. I know it. But it doesn't mean that it doesn't scare me. It doesn't mean that I don't worry. That's all I do is worry. My stomach twits and turns all night all day. I'm so scared. Scared that it won't be okay." She said with a sigh as she wiped the single tear that fell.

"It will be okay. It will. There will be bumps in the road. I can promise you that. But damn-it, if I have to lay down, I will keep you from feeling them." He said as he kissed her forehead.

"I hate him, Derek. I really hate him. I love him. And I hate him." Meredith said.

Derek winced. Love. She said love. How could she love him? How could she love someone who treated her so badly. But he wasn't there. He didn't know what it was. Maybe Adrien did care. Maybe he was pushed to far. It was a lot to swallow to see your girlfriend with another man. But it didn't matter. And sadness he had for Adrien flew out the window when he started treating Meredith like crap.

"It was good until it wasn't." Meredith muttered. "And now, I look at him, and I want to attack him. I really want to hurt him. I do. Today, in the OR. He pushed. I pushed. He pushed harder. It would be easier to just let it go. But I can't. And he can't. It's like a competition. And now all I want to so is hurt him. He can't have my baby, Derek. I already has one-... I won't have...another...one...taken." She cried out as he pulled her close and tight.

"You won't Mer. You won't." He told her softly. "Come on." He said as he led her to her room. He pulled the blankets back and motioned for her to lay down. He slowly kneaded her back as she laid there and moaned. "You need to relax. I know it's easier said than done. But you have to. For the baby." He told her softly. She nodded as she laid there.

"I'm going to do it." She finally said. "The prenatal paternity test. I don't want to... The risk of infection... Miscarriage... It scares me. But I can't take 9 months of this. Of him harassing me. I can't do it." She said softly.

"You know I support any decision you make." He told her quickly. She nodded softly.

"I'm so tired." She said softly as she closed her eyes. "Tell me a story."

"Oh... Hmm... Okay. Once there was this girl at a party. It was a party she wasn't even invited to. Supposedly her boyfriend was. The guy was a real ass. But anyhow... There was also a guy at this party. A guy who was only there because his friends made him. He wasn't going to go. Mark Sloan's parties were the best. Always talked about for weeks afterwards. And Derek well, he saw this girl from across the room, and he knew, in that moment, he had he made the right decision. Going to that party... Because he knew, when he looked up, he had just looked into the light green eyes of his soul mate..." He said softly. He paused only to hear he loud snore. A smile crept across his face as he kissed her softly. He laid down, and flipped off the light. It was a true story.

-----------------

Adrien smirked as he walked into the hallway from the scrub room. Meredith attacked him. Literally attacked him. He didn't think she had it in her, but apparently she did. Seeing as he had become one with the wall. He had obviously gotten to her. Gotten underneath her skin. It was becoming a new thing. A thing he loved. To push her buttons.

But that wasn't why he was smiling. Oh no. He was smiling because he just finished a valve replacement. But not just any valve replacement. It was Meredith Grey's valve replacement. The one that she had scheduled for tomorrow morning. After her display after the humpty dumpty, in his mind, she deserved it. It just kept getting better and better. Now she would be really pissed. Another smile formed as he walked down the hallway. Now he was really going to make some trouble.

"Hey, Kristy." He said as he walked up to the nurses station with a chart.

"Oh. Hello, Adrien." She muttered. She hated him on principle. Because of Meredith. Because of how he had been treating her. She wasn't sure what was going on. But she knew that it was his fault. No matter what, it was his fault.

"And how are you today?" Adrien asked with a smile as he looked up.

"Busy. Really busy." Kristy told him. "Aren't you on the wrong floor?" She asked with confusion.

"Well, I had a peds patient I wanted to check up on." Adrien lied as he looked at the chart.

It was his patient. Was. The child had several problems, he had just solved one. And that was a week ago. He didn't care. He would have never checked on this kid again. But he had to come down here. He had to stir the pot.

"So busy, huh?" Adrien asked quickly.

"Oh yeah. They're killing me. But otherwise, I'm good." She said with a faint smile as she glanced up.

"Oh. That's surprising." Adrien pointed out as he looked down.

"Why is that?" She asked with a sigh.

"Well, seeing how you best friend in pregnant. But not just pregnant with any child. See, she's not sure who's it is. I would think you wouldn't be very happy, seeing how your husband is a possible candidate." Adrien said with an evil smirk.

"What?" She said as she chuckled. _What a freaking joke. Why the hell would he screw around like this?_

"Oh. You thought she was a good friend. No. She's been sleeping with your husband. For quite a while, actually. Why do you think I ended it? Made me sick. see, I thought Derek was my friend." He said matter-of-factly. _She's right. He is an asshole. I can't believe he's doing this... Adrien de Gaulle, stooping this low... She ended it. He begged her to come back. He is a liar._

"You are an asshole. Meredith is right. You are a trouble making, miserable, asshole." Kristy spat as she stood up and walked away.

Adrien stood there with a smile on his face. Now he had really started some trouble. He really caused problems. Kristy was a smart woman. She would figure it out. He had just ruined a friendship. And he didn't really care. She hurt him. And now he was going to hurt her.

Kristy couldn't believe it as she walked away. Meredith would never do that to her. She was her best friend. She knew her well. Well enough to know that deep down, she was honest and caring. Meredith wasn't that type of person. Not even close. Adrien was so miserable, he was grasping straws. He wanted everyone to hurt, like he supposedly did. She wasn't going for it. She wasn't going to let him get away with it. She hated liars. And tomorrow, she knew that she and Meredith would have a good laugh over the whole thing.


	50. Trying to Mend

Meredith ran her warm hand up and down Derek's thigh. She had been tired last night. She didn't even remember falling asleep. She was talking to Derek and then she was asleep, that fast. She felt his hard leg against her hand as she ran it up his clothed thigh. With her eyes closed, she continued up to his chest.

"Morning." Derek said as he opened his eyes. She opened hers and looked into his.

"Good morning." She said with a smile as she leaned in and kissed him.

"It is a good morning." He said as he looked over at her.

She moaned as his lips pressed against hers and his tongue slid in deeply. She didn't want to say anything. She didn't want to hurt his feelings. But she wasn't really fond of his morning breath, or the fact that he tasted somewhat like sewage. He didn't normally, but she remembered how tire they were last night, and she was sure his didn't brush his teeth.

"Okay. We can do this. I want to do this." She said with a smirk. "But we need to do things first."

"Like what?" He chuckled as he looked up at her.

"Like I need to pee. And you need to brush your teeth." She said with a giggle as she climbed out of the bed and ran into the bathroom. Derek quickly followed her in.

"We're getting old." Derek muttered as he put the toothpaste on his brush.

"What? Why do you say that?" Meredith snapped as she sat on the toilet.

"Well, we used to get up and have sex. Not bathroom and brush." He joked.

"Yeah, well, apparently your mouth is rotting and your baby is making me pee." She said as she joined him at the sink.

"My mouth is not rotting." Derek said as he looked over at her.

"Is too." She giggled as she bushed her teeth.

"No sex for you." He said with a smirk.

"Fine. I think you need it more than I do." Meredith told her as he walked out.

"Nope. You definitely need it more." He said frankly.

"Oh! Oh really!" She said as she spit out into the sink. "Really?" She asked again as she peeled off her shirt. "You're sure?" She asked as she pulled off her pants.

"Yep." He said as he looked away.

"Okay. So why are you looking away?" Meredith asked as she pulled off her bra.

"I'm not." He said as he stared at her face.

"Okay. Then why do you look like I could hang my bra on your penis?" She asked with a smile. "It can't be this..." She said as she pulled off her panties and climbed on the bed. "But I guess you don't need or want it." She said as she sat there seductively.

"Damn it!" He yelled as he ripped his own clothes off and jumped on the bed. "I guess I do." He said as he covered her body with his own. "I really do." He said as he lips teased her nipples. He bit down and pulled her breast away from her chest.

"Fuck me, baby." She moaned as she spread her legs.

"Who needs this?" He asked as the tip of his cock teased her hot awaiting lips. She felt him delve in just slightly. Teasing her. Taunting her.

"You need it." She moaned as she felt his hard member right there. She waited. She waited for the thrust. No thrust.

"Oh. I really don't." He said as he pulled out and rolled over.

"You bastard." She spat as she looked over at him. "Fine." She said as she straddled him and sat on his chest. He could feel her moist heat on his chest. "If you don't need it. Maybe I will just have to do it myself." She said as she rolled off of him and laid her head back on the pillow. Derek raised his eyebrow as he watched her. He looked at her two fingers as she ran them up and down against her clit. She moaned as she trust them inside of herself and looked over at him, smiling.

Derek sat there in shock as he watched her. He was jealous. It was a stupid thing to be jealous of. But he was. At the same time, it was incredibly hot. He felt his hard member bobbing in anticipation for her. It wanted her. He wanted her. He hand began stroking methodically as he watched her pleasure herself. He began to pulsate in his out hand.

"Oh...God...Oh...this...is... so...much...better...than...you..." She moaned loudly as her orgasm took over.

He moaned loudly as he released his hot cum all over. They both laid back as they came down for their respective highs. They both looked over at each other as they laid there.

"So... Better than me?" He asked with a chuckle. "I don't think so."

"Maybe not." She agreed as she looked over. He smiled as he rolled towards her and pushed her knees to her chest. In one motion his full length was inside of her.

"Oh god." She moaned as she felt his hard cock. "Harder..." She moaned as he pumped.

"Say it." He shouted as he pumped into her.

"You're good." She shouted as he pounded into her.

"Nope. That's not it!" He said as he slammed her. She gasped loudly.

"You are the best!" She screamed as she began to tighten.

"And?" He asked.

"You are better...oh god...You are...the...best! Your cock...it's...oh...god... " She moaend. "Harder!"

"Come for me, Mer..." He said as he kissed her deeply. "Come for me."

"Oh god. Oh god." She shouted as her body shook and her feet quivered. "Oh..."

"Oh, Mer... God you're tight..." He said loudly. "I'm...Oh..." He moaned as he released inside of her.

They both rolled over and and stared at the ceiling. Hearts raced. Sweat poured from their bodies as they struggled to catch their breaths.

"You are the best." She told him with a smile. "And I wanted you." She giggled.

"I know." Derek agreed.

"You have surgery." Meredith told him.

"I do. I have to take a shower." He said with a sigh.

"Well, you better hurry up. I need one too." Meredith said as she stood up. "And by the way, Kristy and I are painting the nursery today."

"What?" Derek said in shock.

"Yeah. I didn't know she paints. She paints. She's going to do a mural." Meredith told her as she walked to her closet.

"Oh." Derek said as he looked up. "So I can't come home. You do realize she will find out eventually, right?"

"Not today. She won't today. I'm sorry, Der. I have so much to worry about. This... Just not yet, okay? And I will try to get her out as early as I can." She told him as she kissed him.

"Okay." He said with a fake smile.

He didn't like that. He didn't like that his wife. Soon-to-be-ex-wife was going to be painting his baby's nursery. But Meredith seemed to be happy. He wanted to do it. But maybe this was good. She needed to relieve some stress. Maybe this would make her happy. He sighed as he stepped in the shower. They were going to have a big family. He was sure of that. And this wouldn't be their first nursery.

Meredith threw her robe on and stepped out into the kitchen. She quickly made Derek's coffee and grabbed the box of Muesli. She had to smile at this encounter this morning. Who was she trying to fool? She did need him. She shook her head as she grabbed the bread. She heard a faint knock as the door. She took in a breath and walked over. It was probably Mark. He always knocked. He never used the doorbell. She opened it slowly. A frown crossed her face as she looked up.

"Dad, er... Richard." She said as she looked into his deep brown eyes.

"Meredith..." He said softly with a faint smile. "Please don't shut the door!" He said hastily as she put her hand on the door handle.

The anger and hatred in Meredith was high. She had a lot. She had good reason. They stole things from her. The love of her life. Her happiness. Her child. Everything that mattered, they took. And they left a shell. A shell of a person who was broken and beaten down beyond recognition. And now he was standing her. At her door. Wanting only god knows what.

"I- I can't do this. I can't talk to you." She said as she began to shut the door.

"Please. Ten minutes. Ten minutes and if you still want me to, I will go." He pleaded as he looked into her eyes. [i_Ten minutes? What the hell are you going to do in ten minutes? You ruined fourteen years.[/i_

They were the eyes of a child. And innocent child, whom he loved all over her life. He changed her diapers. He kissed her first boo boo. Taught her to brush her teeth. To ride a bike. He was there when she broke up with her first boyfriend. He wiped more tears from her cheek than he ever wanted to see. And now he was pleading with her. Pleading that she would let him in. Even if he didn't deserve it.

"Fine." She said coldly as she walked into the kitchen and grabbed her cup. [i_Ten fucking minutes.[/i_

She plunged a bag of her favorite tea into the hot water that she poured. She slammed a cup for him down on the counter. She thought she could keep it in. Keep her cool. But all she could think about was the baby. This was her dad. She should love him. She does love him. She never thought he was like her mom. Cold. That was what made it so hard. And here he is. And she can't take it.

"Everything okay, Mer?" Derek asked as he arrived in the kitchen, ready for work. "I heard a loud- Richard!" He said in shook as he looked up.

"Hello, Derek. How are you?" Richard asked as he looked up.

"I'm- I'm good. And yourself?" Derek asked reluctantly.

"I'm okay." He said with a nod. Richard's coffee cup dropped on the table as she haphazardly gave it to him. She wanted to throw it in his face.

"Well..." Derek said as he looked at Meredith. [i_This isn't good...[/i_

"Um..." Meredith muttered as she closed her eyes. _[iJust go. I'm fine. Go[/i_

"Okay..." Derek said as he looked at Meredith. _ [iYou're sure?[/i _She nodded. "I need to go. I'll see you later." Derek said as he kissed her softly. "Love you."

"Love you too." She said as she watched him walk out. "Talk. You only have seven minutes left." Richard looked up at her in shock.

"First... Your mother told me. Congratulations. The baby, I mean. You will be a wonderful mother." Richard said genuinely.

"Thanks." She replied coldly. "Talk."

"Okay... I don't even know where to start... I. We. I never meant to hurt you. I know that is hard to believe. But it is the truth. It just... I always liked Derek. He was like a son to me. When you got in the accident, it killed me. There was so much going on. It was chaos. We thought we were going to lose our baby. Things were said. Things went wrong. And lies built on lies. It was like getting dragged behind a horse. I love your mother more than anything. She's flawed, but I love her. And I am not putting this on her. God knows I am at just as much fault. But it built. Over and over. You hung on after we pulled the plug. And Derek... She was angry, Meredith. She was upset. She was sad. She said the wrong things. And he- I guess he felt pushed out. And we didn't- I didn't stop him, Meredith." He said as his eyes welled up.

"I knew I should, but I didn't. And the hours went by. Meredith, I never told you mother, but I went there. To your apartment. I went there on the way home. He was gone. He was already gone. I should have kept trying, but I didn't. And then she told you he left, and that was it. After that, I couldn't see how it would be okay. I knew if you learned the truth, you would hate us, and that's what happened. I know it wouldn't have been as bad... I regret it everyday. You have no idea how much it hurts to watch your daughter suffer. To watch her, and know you could put an end to it. But I knew if I did, I would lose you. And I couldn't imagine that. The only thing that gets me through the day, is knowing that Derek is here for you now. I know he will take care of you. You're my baby, Meredith. You are my little girl. And I love you." He said with a frown.

"It's not okay. I'm not okay. You ruined my life. You killed everything. You guys killed me. You saved me. But living for fourteen years like that. I would have rather been dead." She said as she started to cry.

"I know, honey. And if I could go back, I would change it all. I swear. I would change it. I miss you, Meredith. I miss you and it's all my fault. I bought the car. I let Derek go. I killed you..." He said as he started to cry.

"I trusted you. My mom. I believe it from my mom. But you. I trusted you." She said as she sobbed.

"I know. And I wish... I wish I didn't ruin that." He said as he stood up and cradled her.

"I miss my dad. But I can't- I can't do it." She cried.

"I'm so sorry, honey." Richard said as he kissed her head.

"I- I don't understand how you could do it." Meredith said loudly as she pulled away. "Hurting me is one thing. Hurting Derek is worse. But you killed an innocent baby. A baby!" She screamed.

"What?" Richard said, taken aback. Meredith looked at his shocked expression. "What baby?" He asked innocently.

"My baby." She said quickly, studying his face.

"You lost your baby?" He asked in shock, referring to her current pregnancy. "But... Oh god, when?"

"No! No. You and mom. You aborted my pregnancy. I saw it. In my file. You killed my baby! What gave you the right?" She screamed as she covered her face.

"No. No. We- I didn't. You weren't pregnant!" He said in shock as he stood back. "You...You...Oh god."

"You didn't know..." Meredith said as she looked up at him.

"Oh my god, Meredith. Oh my god. I had no idea." He said as he walked over an pulled her against his chest. "I am so sorry, baby. I am so sorry."

There was a moment. Meredith stayed there. In her dad's arms. With the man who loved and cared for her all her life. She missed him. She missed this. It hit her. It wasn't him. It was her. It was Ellis. She was the one that did it all. And Richard loved her. He loved her and she dragged him along. He could have done more. But you don't understand the wrath of Ellis Grey until you feel it. Things weren't perfect. But they were on their way to being mended.


	51. Just Friends

Meredith felt a mixture of emotions as Richard walked away from her door. The hatred from her mother only grew with every moment. A small part of her felt sorry for him. He loved her mother so much, he hadn't realized the evil she was capable of creating. It was over the top. And him. She still loved him. He was her dad.

She closed the door and leaned against it. The tears poured out as she stood there. She couldn't understand how it could happen to her. She was having a moment. A moment where she felt completely and utterly sorry for herself. It seemed like every time she started to walk, she was kicked from behind. A knock at the door startled her. She wiped her tears and slowly opened the door.

"Hey... Oh... I had a feeling. I saw him leave." Kristy said as she pulled her friend close. "Are you okay?" Kristy asked.

"No." Meredith said as she walked away and laid on the sofa "No."

Kristy was going to say something about it. She was going to tell Meredith al about what Adrien had said. It bothered her. Even if Adrien was being an ass. It was wrong. To do that to her. To take his anger out on her and make her question her relationship. She was going to say something. Until she saw Richard in the parking area. She knew her relationship was strained with her parents. So she couldn't say anything. Not today.

"What happened, honey?" She asked as she sat next to her.

"I- I can't-" Meredith said as she closed her eyes.

"Okay." Kristy said quickly. "We don't have to paint today... If you-"

"No, no. I want to." Meredith said as she sat up and nodded her head. She had to do this. She had to do it for her baby. "But I have to take a shower first." She said with a sigh as she threw her legs over and rested her feet on the floor.

"Oh. I don't mind. We're going to get all painted anyhow." Kristy said with a shrug.

"No. I really need a shower." She said as she thought about her morning rendezvous with Derek. "I stink." Kristy giggled and leaned over, smelling her.

"Oh my god! You smell like sex!" She said in shock as she looked at her friend.

"I do not!" Meredith spat quickly.

"You do! You had sex..." Kristy said as she shook her head. "You have your robe on. You are all covered in old sweat and you smell like sex!"

"No. No sex." Meredith said as she stood up.

"Uh huh. Shit! Mer... You didn't- Oh god, it wasn't de Gag-me, was it?" Kristy asked quickly.

"de Gag-me? Adrien?" Meredith asked with a laugh. "Oh god no!" She said loudly. "Hell no! And de Gag-Me... Why that name?" Meredith asked with a chuckle.

Kristy froze. She wanted to tell her. But she couldn't. She couldn't do that to her. Not right now. She was already upset. That was the last thing she needed. To hear that Adrien was walking around spreading lies and making problems.

"You hate him, right?" Kristy asked. Meredith nodded. "Well, then I hate him." She said frankly. "Go take your shower... We need to go."

"Going, mother." Meredith said with a smirk as she walked to her bathroom.

Kristy walked into the kitchen. She could see the pre-breakfast mess. The bread was on the counter. Muesli was on the table. Muesli. The only person she knew that ate muesli was Derek. She shook her head and laughed as she continued cleaning up. She threw the cups in the dishwasher, turned off the coffee pot and returned to the living room.

Meredith climbed in the shower. Then she started to panic. What if Kristy saw something of Derek's? What if she found out. She began washing fast and furious, trying to hurry. She couldn't give her the chance to find out.

"Hey." Meredith said as she quickly came out of the bathroom.

"Hey... I cleaned up a little..." Kristy told her.

"You cleaned? Like cleaned the house?" Meredith asked in a panic as she shut her bedroom door.

"Just the kitchen." Kristy pointed out. Meredith sighed.

"Oh..." Meredith muttered.

"Who the hell eats muesli?" Kristy asked as she walked over to Meredith, who was putting her shoes on. "Derek is the only person I know..."

"Um- Um... Mark." Meredith finally got out.

"Mark? No he doesn't." Kristy said frankly.

"Yes he does." Meredith argued.

"No, he doesn't." Kristy said quickly with a smirk.

"And how do you know?" Meredith asked as she raised her eyebrows.

"Um..." Kristy said as she looked up at her friend.

"Kristy..." Meredith questioned loudly as they walked out the door. "You and Mark? I knew it!" Meredith said with a laugh as they walked to her car.

"Me and Mark. No. Not, not like that..." Kristy said quickly.

"Sure." Meredith said, not believing her. "I knew he had been gone a lot."

"We're friends." Kristy said quickly.

"Well, this explains the sex talk this morning. It's your own guilt..." Meredith giggled as she pulled onto the street.

"No. No sex. Mark and I- We're just friends. No sex. There will be no sex. I have nothing to be guilty about. I'm still married." Kristy explained in shock.

"But you're getting a divorce. And I know you took that guy home from Joe's last week." Meredith said quickly. Kristy huffed loudly.

"Fine! Three. Three guys. I hated it. I'm married. Until those papers are signed, I don't feel right about it. And Mark was not one of those three, okay?" Kristy said loudly.

"Okay." Meredith said as she shut her mouth and drove.

The morning's events kept running through her head. She and Derek were in a relationship. That was obvious. She knows she can't deny it anymore. And here she is, sitting next to his wife. His wife who has no idea that she is carrying hid child. His wife who would be crushed if she knew the truth. And that just made her nauseous.

"Hey, are you okay?" Kristy asked as they carried the containers of paint into the nursery.

"Yeah, why?" Meredith asked as she sat the paint on the floor and looked around at the room.

"You seem sad. And distracted." Kristy said as she looked at her with a concerned look on her face.

"I'm okay." Meredith said with a nod as she started laying drop clothes down on the floor and furniture.

"Do you want to talk about it? Wait." She said as she held her hand up, motioning for Meredith to stay quiet. "I already know what you will say. No. You will say no. But before you do, I have to say... You have a lot on your plate. You are pregnant. And Adrien is being a real asshole to you, and you don't deserve it. And I don't know what went on with your mom and dad, but it was big. Big enough that your relationship is really strained. Enough that you didn't visit your mom when she had a heart attack. So. You will say no, and that's fine. But I am here. I am here for you. And so is Mark. And if you want me to go to any of your OB appointments with you, or any help, I am here."

"Thanks, Kris." Meredith said with a smile. "You are a great friend."

"That's it?" Kristy asked.

"That's it." Meredith said with a smile.

"Oh my god! Look at this." Kristy said as she held up a onesie that Meredith and Derek had bought. "This is adorable! Is there more in the bag?" She asked as she grabbed it.

Meredith lunged forward. Now her wheels were spinning like mad. Shopping. Baby things. Receipt. Credit card. Derek's signature. Kristy was literally seconds away from seeing that Derek had paid for the stuff for his baby. She quickly grabbed the bag out of Kristy's hand.

"Oh. Yeah. There is... Wait a sec." Meredith said as she fished around in the bag. No receipt. Thank god.

"Is there something you don't want me to see?" Kristy asked with a giggle as she ripped the bag out of Meredith's hands. She was satisfied when she saw tiny baby items.

"No. Why would you say that?" She asked with a smile.

"You, Meredith Grey, are a mystery." Kristy said as she poured paint in the tray.

"That I am." Meredith agreed. "So what do I do here?"

"Paint." Kristy said frankly.

"I kind of- I'm not so good at that." Meredith finally said. "Der- My dad helped me paint my apartment."

"You don't know how to paint?" Kristy asked.

"Um. I know how to roll. That's it." Meredith explained.

"Okay. Well, that's a step. This wall needs to be white, the others the yellow." Kristy explained.

"Okay, boss." Meredith said as she started.

Meredith found out quickly that she hated painting. She hated with a passion. It seemed like she either had too much paint or not enough. And then it would run. And then she got it on the wood floor. And on the trim. And on her pants and face. There was more paint on Meredith than the wall. It seemed like forever, but it wasn't that long. The walls were painted and Kristy was ready to start her mural.

"So, do you like the enchanted forest idea?" Kristy asked as she pointed to the sketch she had done.

"Yeah. It's cute. It will be perfect." Meredith said with a nod as she ate her sandwich.

"Good. And if you don't like it, I won't be offended." Kristy said quickly.

"Yes you will..." Meredith laughed as she ate her chicken sub.

"Okay, I probably will." Kristy said with a giggle. "I'm sorry Mer..."

"About what?" Meredith asked as she stuck a baked chip in her mouth.

"I can't imagine how daunting it must be. To know that- To not have the baby's dad around. To not have or want Adrien around." Kristy pointed out.

"Oh. No. It's- I'm fine." Meredith said with a fake smile as she watched Kristy paint.

If Kristy wasn't involved with Derek, it would be different. Kristy was the person she would talk to. She trusted her. She knew that she would make her feel better. But she couldn't. Not yet. She needed to have Kristy there. To know that she could help. For now. A few more weeks. In a few more weeks she would say something. In the second trimester, she would do it. Because if she did it now. Now she needed to have her there.

"You know, I was engaged. In college. I was engaged." Kristy told Meredith frankly.

"Oh. What happened?" Meredith asked quickly.

"He was perfect." Kristy told her with a laugh.

"Seriously?" Meredith asked with a giggle.

"Seriously." Kristy said with a smile. "He was literally perfect. And his perfection killed me. I couldn't take it."

"I could deal with perfect." Meredith said with a nod.

"You say that. But if you experience it... What about you? Have you ever been engaged?" Kristy asked.

"Engaged? No..." Meredith said as she shook her head.

She always wondered. She loved Derek more than anything. And he never took that step. He never asked her. She had always thought it would happen. But it never did. Her never asked. And she always wondered why.

"What about that guy? The one that left..." Kristy asked.

"I don't... No. He didn't ask me to marry him." Meredith said with a shrug as she drank her sprite. "I hate sprite."

"Why did you get it?" She asked with a laugh.

"No caffeine." Meredith said with a frown. "It was all that had."

"So, you loved this guy. I can see it in your eyes." Kristy said with a smile.

"I did. I do. I always will." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Mer..." Kristy said with a smile. "So what was he like?"

"Wonderful. Great. Always there. Caring. I could look into his eyes, and I knew it was just us. Always. It was so deep. So strong. He was that guy. The one that you..." Meredith trailed off as she shook her head. "So that looks great." Meredith said with an odd face.

"They are trees." Kristy said with a giggle.

"I know that!" Meredith said with a smile. "They look good."

"So tell me more about him." Kristy said with a smile.

"I don't want to. It's in the past." Meredith said quickly.

"If you talk, it will help." Kristy told her.

"Or so everyone says." Meredith said with a shrug.

Meredith glanced at her watch. It wasn't that she wanted Kristy to leave. She wanted Derek to come home. She wanted Derek here with her. It was getting bad. She felt like she needed him. When he was gone for too long, she missed him. She was emotionally involved. She was attached. She was in the position to be taken down. to be crushed. And that was exactly what she was afraid of. That was what she had hoped to avoid.

"So?" Kristy asked.

"It looks amazing. Seriously amazing!" Meredith said as she looked up at the wall. "It's perfect!"

"And you even helped." Kristy said with a smile as the started picking up.

"I did. I did that, and that. And that!" She pointed to the different shadings that Kristy had her do. They walked into the kitchen and started cleaning brushes.

"So, I have to meet my mom for dinner. I promised. So-" Kristy said as she sat the brushes down.

"You don't have to babysit me." Meredith explained.

"I just- I'm here." Kristy explained.

"I know." Meredith said with a nod.

They quickly cleaned everything up. They stood there in the nursery and admired Kristy's work. It was beautiful. Everything that Meredith hoped it would be. All that was missing was the furniture and the baby.

"Thank you so much." Meredith said as she hugged her friend.

"No problem." She said as she smiled. "I'll see you later."

"Yep. Thanks again." Meredith said as she shut the door. Meredith quickly flipped her phone open and called Derek.

"Hey." Derek said happily. "Can I come home?"

"You can come home." Meredith said with a smile.

She fished cleaning up the little bit that she and Kristy didn't get done. She ran the vacuum over the area rug in the middle of the room. It wouldn't be long. Not long at all. She smoothed her hand over her growing abdomen and smiled. She didn't even hear Derek come in.

"It looks great." Derek said as he wrapped his arms around her.

"It does." Meredith agreed as she turned around and kissed Derek softly.

"Dear god... You have more paint on you than the walls!" He said with a laugh.

"I know..." She said as she shook her head.

"I think we need to get you cleaned up..." He said with a chuckle.

"Oh really?" She asked with raised brows.

"Oh really." He said as he grabbed her hand and dragged her away.

"And what do you plan on doing with me, Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith asked with a giggle.

"Oh you'll see..." He said as they walked into the bathroom. He quickly walked over and turned the hot water on. "You look pathetic!" He said as he walked over an looked at her.

"I know..." She said as she shook her head in agreement.

"We'll have to do something about that." He said as he peeled her shirt off.

"I think that is a great start..." She said with smile. She reached behind herself and unclasped her bra, letting it slid down. Derek smiled as her perky rosy buds staring him in the face.

"Uh huh..." Derek said with a smile as he pulled his own shirt off. She undid her jeans and pulled them and her panties off.

"Now what?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"Oh god..." Derek said as he felt himself beginning to rise.

Derek quickly walked up to her and covered his mouth with hers. Their tongues fought their way into each other's mouths, each fighting for power. Meredith moaned, tasting the sweetness of his mouth. She swiftly wrapped her legs around his waist, and he walked them into the steaming shower.

"What now?" She asked as he sat her down.

"Hmm..." He said with a smirk. He gently turned her around, running his hands down her slippery flesh. He stopped at her breasts and rolled her nipples between his fingers, as he licked and nipped her her shoulder.

"God..." Meredith moaned as she felt his hard cock poking at her ass. "I need you..."

"Do you now?" He asked with a chuckle as he ran his hand down her abdomen.

"Oh..." She yelped as he ran his fingers along her pussy. His fingers delved inside, spreading her hot liquid around. He teased her clit with one finger and as he dipped the other in and out, causing her to cry out. "Now!"

"Now? A little demanding..." He laughed. "Bend over, spread your legs and grab your ankles." He demanded

"Okay." She said with a nod. She quickly did what he said. "Please..." She moaned as she didn't feel him.

"As you wish." He said as he smacked her wet ass, hard.

"Ouch!" She shouted loudly. He slowly slid his length into her hot core. She moaned as he gently pushed himself in and out of her.

"God I'm glad you're flexible!" He said happily as he thrust into her.

"Oh god..." She said as she felt his hard cock rubbing against her. "Harder!" She shouted.

"What did you say?" He mocked as he continued working her.

"Harder! Oh God, I need it harder!" She yelled.

"As you wish." He said as he pounded into her. She quickly lost her balance and her forehead smacked into the tile.

"Ouch! Fuck, Derek!" She shouted as she rubbed her head.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he paused. He quickly grabbed her hips as he steadied her.

"Oh God! Don't stop now!" She shouted as he hit her g-spot.

"Oh god, Mer...Fuck!" He shouted as he felt himself begin to pulsate. He felt her ticghthen around his shaft and release with a moan.

"Oh..." She said as she came down from her high. "Thank you..."

"God." He moaned as he slid out.

"Again." She moaned as she stood up.

"What?" He asked as he looked into her dark eyes.

"I need it again!" She told him loudly.

"Seriously?" He asked in shock.

"Yes." She reaffirmed.

She ran her hands down his wet chest. Her hand grazed over his cock. She watched as his body tensed from her soft hand on him. She ran her hand down it's length until he began to harden again.

Meredith shoved him against the glass shower wall. His ass hit it, leaving a perfect mark. She smiled as she wrapped her legs around him. He quickly thrust into her and pushed her back against the other wall.

"Oh god...please." She moaned as she spread her thighs without letting go. "Harder..." She demanded. He moaned as she felt him pull in. Pull out. Push. Pull. In. Out. Perfection. She could feel him start to pulsate inside of her.

"Oh god...Mer...oh god..." He moaned as he felt her begin to tighten around her. They meshed so perfectly. It felt so right.

"Harder...deeper..." She moaned as he thrust harder and harder, watching her face. looking at her eyes.

"Oh...God...I'm..." He moaned as he felt his orgasm taking over, feeling her tighten her muscles around him, clamping down. He felt himself released, pouring himself, filling her.

"Derek...I...oh...wow..." She moaned as her eyes fluttered.

Meredith felt herself release. Their fluids mixed as Derek leaned against her, moaning. She slowly let her feet fall to the floor and laid back. Her body wouldn't let her move. She moaned as Derek grabbed the bath wash and began gently washing the paint off of her body.

---------------

Meredith laid down on the bed underneath the covers. She was tired. She had an early day in the morning. She just wanted to sleep. She found her way over to Derek's warm body and snuggled into his side.

"So... How did it go with Richard?" Derek asked as he kissed her shoulder. She took in a deep breath as she laid there.

"I- I don't know. He's my dad, Derek. He's my dad. And I want to just forgive. But I don't know if I can." Meredith said with a sigh as she buried her head.

"What did he say?" Derek asked softly. They both head Mark open the front door, coming in late.

"He didn't know. He didn't know about the baby." Meredith said as her eyes started to tear up.

"What?" Derek said in shock.

"He didn't know. I could tell by the look on his face. He didn't know. And now... Now I wonder what else he didn't know. If you saw him... He- He's my dad. And I love him. Not like my mom. He's-- I miss him." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Oh my god... He didn't know?" Derek asked in shock. "Wow."

"What do I do, Derek? Should I forgive him? What would you do?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"I can't tell you what to do, Mer. This is yours. You need to do it on your own." Derek said with a smile.

"I don't want to make the choice... What would you do?" She asked again.

"No. I can't. But I can tell you one thing..." Derek told her as he pulled her close.

"What?" She asked as she glanced up.

"I will support whatever you decide." He said as he kissed her forehead.

"You are a pain in the ass. But I still love you." She grumbled.

"I love you too." He said as he pulled the covers up and cuddled close.

**So, I'm not sure that there will be an update tomorrow... It's Grey's Day! Let's hope for the best! And what happens in the next chapter is huge...so...**


	52. All Systems Down

"So, did you sleep on it?" Derek asked as he pulled his his jeans.

"Sleep on what? The bed?" Meredith giggled as she ran her brush through her hair.

"Ha ha. Funny." Derek said as he shook his head. "No, Richard. Did you decide?"

"I don't know. I do. But I don't. I don't know. I guess I'll see. I just... I-" Meredith stammered as she looked up at him.

"You don't want to get hurt again." Derek said with a frown as he looked into her eyes.

"Yeah..." Meredith said with a sigh as she walked out of the bedroom.

Derek shook his head as he followed her. He felt bad. Really bad. She had so much on her plate. And before her felt like it was all on him. Like he was the one that was carrying it all. He was the one that was constantly getting hurt. He was the one with the wife. The one that had things to lose. And now it was her. And all he wished was that he could trade her places.

Meredith grabbed her tea and sat down at the table. Her stomach was growling loudly. Breakfast. Nothing sounded good. She stood back up and looked in the cupboards. She smiled when she hit pay dirt. Oreos. Lots of oreos. Peanut butter, mint, original, double stuff. She smiled as she began opening packages.

"Honey..." Derek said as he walked up to her. "What are you doing?"

"Breakfast." She said as she leaned over and kissed him. "Where did they come from?"

"I got them on my way home yesterday." Derek said as he shook his head. "I know you are on an oreo kick right now..."

"Yep." She said with a grin. "Thank you. Your coffee is on the table." She as she pointed.

"Thanks." He said as he grabbed a bowl and the Muesli.

"Morning." Mark said with a smile as he poured his own coffee.

"Good morning." Meredith said with a smile.

Meredith stuck several of each oreos in a plastic bag. She grabbed a large spoon and began smashing violently. She happily walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed the gallon of milk. Derek and Mark watched her with wide eyes and she worked. She poured her oreos in a large glass of milk and began stirring. She put everything away and walked to the table.

"That is disgusting." Mark said as he chewed his toast.

"And healthy." Derek said with a laugh.

"You know they call it the angioplasty cookie, right?" Meredith asked. "I'm cardio, and I'm eating it..." She said with a giggle.

"If that isn't irony." Mark said as he shook his head.

"Wow... This is good." She said as she began drinking the mixture.

"Or not." Mark said with a laugh.

"So what do you have today?" Derek asked as he watched her drink.

"Um, a well..." She began to laugh.

"What?" Mark asked.

"I'm losing my mind...nothing." Meredith said quickly. "I have a bypass."

"Sounds like fun." Mark laughed.

"Better than working on boobs." Meredith said loudly.

"I think not." Mark retorted. "What the hell happened to your head?" Mark asked, looking up at her red and swollen forehead. Meredith and Derek both looked at each other and remained silent.

"Sex injury." Mark said with a knowing nod. Meredith and Derek both rolled here eyes. "Where?"

"The shower." Meredith and Derek replied simultaneously.

"Oh yeah... You gotta watch that shower." Mark said with a grin as he thought back.

"What! You had sex in my shower!" Meredith yelled loudly.

"Uh... No." Mark said guiltily.

"You did! You bastard." Meredith said angrily. "You fucking had sex in my shower? My shower!" She yelled.

"Once." Mark said quickly.

"Oh God... You have a shower. Your shower. Why didn't you use your own shower?" She spat as she looked between the two men.

"It's small. And yours has six shower heads. It's amazing. Like I would want to use that tiny shower in my bathroom..." He said with a frown.

"First of all, your shower is fine. It is better than most showers. You're lucky you even have a bathroom. Which you never use..." She said as she rolled her eyes.

"It's small." He stated again.

"How long ago?" She asked.

"Uh. About- Well, when I moved in." He winced. He could tell she was getting mad.

"Who?" Meredith asked loudly.

"A girl from Joe's..." He told her. Mark watched him dig his hole, deeper and deeper.

"I hope you cleaned it." She said as she looked up. She knew the answer by the look on his face. "You didn't? I showered where some bar whore came? You fucker... I hate you."

They all sat there in a long silence. Mark had to chuckle to himself. He had put his foot in his mouth. Very stupid. He brought a girl home an had sex in Meredith's shower. And now he admitted it. Finally he looked up and her and smiled.

"You still love me, right?" He asked with a grin.

"Yes." She said reluctantly.

"Good." He said with a smile.

"So... Late night." She said with a grin. "Out with Kristy again?" Meredith asked.

"Kris- Kristy?" Mark asked as he looked up at her. Wondering how she knew.

"Kristy!" Derek said in shock.

"Cut the crap, Mark. I know all about it." Meredith said with a grin.

"Kristy?" Derek said again.

"We're just friends." Mark said quickly.

"Uh huh. That's exactly what she said." Meredith laughed.

"No, seriously. I mean, I like her and all. But Mer, you know me..." He said with a grin. "You know what I'm about."

"Man whore." Meredith said with a nod.

"Exactly." Mark replied with a knowing grin.

"Well... I think you two are adorable." Meredith said with a smile. "Der... Are you okay?" Meredith asked as she looked at his shocked face.

"You and Kristy?" He asked Mark quickly. "You and Kristy?"

"God, Derek. Jealous, much?" Meredith said with a giggle. She looked at Derek's face. "Oh my God! You are. You are jealous." She said with a frown.

"I just- you and Kristy..." Derek said again.

"I can't believe this. I really can't." Meredith said as she stood up from the table abruptly.

"Man... What are you doing?" Mark asked Derek loudly as he watched Meredith walk away. "What the fuck?" He said as he pointed to her.

"Mer... Meredith." Derek said as he chased after her. "I'm not jealous. I- I'm just surprised, that's all." He said as he followed her.

"Whatever, Derek." Meredith said as she slid her shoes on. "I saw the look on your face."

"No. There was no look. I don't care. I don't care about her. Or what she does." He told her as he stood there.

"I saw the look. It's fine. Whatever." She said quickly as she continued on. "I am leaving. Do me a favor?" She asked as she glanced up.

"Anything." Derek said with a nod.

"Don't talk to me. Don't follow me. Don't try to fix this. I don't want to do this right now." She said as she opened the door. "Bye, Mark." She said as she walked out.

"Man, what the hell did you just do?" Mark said as he shook his head in disbelief.

"Fucked up." Derek said as he ran his hand through his hair.

As soon as Meredith climbed into her Jeep, she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She felt like everything she believed the last couple of months were lies. She had been so careful. So careful to let it sneak up. To let love consume her. Careful to not get too involved too fast. Careful to try and make everyone as happy as she could.

She had listened to him. She let him convince her that his marriage was over. It wasn't. She was convinced of that now. It wasn't. She didn't want to break them up. She was so careful to let him know that. She didn't want him to make the wrong choice. And by the look on his face, she was beginning to think that he had regrets.

Now she was pregnant. Pregnant with his child. A child that was going to do more than complicate things. This child was going to change everything. It was going to ruin Derek's life. Ruin his and Kristy's happiness that he still had a chance to get back. Ruin he and Kristy's marriage. She knew she had made a mistake. And now she was thinking that maybe she should push him back. Push him back to his wife and do the rest on her own.

The salty tears flowed down her face as she drove along. Her body was wracked with sobs. She felt like she was losing everything. Why did she take the chance? Why didn't she stay miserable? Why did she sleep with Derek that first time? Why didn't she run? She could have run. Adrien is an asshole, but maybe they would have been fine. Now she'd never know.

Meredith pulled herself together as she put her car in park. Her red eyes were noticeable from far away. She looked horrible. Her voice was crackly. Her throat dry. She was almost to the point where she didn't care. She was beginning to not care about anything.

Luckily she didn't see anyone on her way to the locker room. She wasn't ready yet. And she was relieved when she walked into the empty locker room. She pulled her shirt over her head. The hospital was quiet. It was early. She thought she heard the door open and looked up. She immediately felt sick when she looked up to and into the cold eyes of Adrien. He stood there and stared at her as she reached for her scrub top.

"Don't. Don't look at me." She said as she quickly tried to cover herself up.

"That could be my baby in there. Growing in your poisonous uterus." He said coldly as he walked up.

"It's not, Adrien. It's Derek's. I slept with Derek. I'm a filthy whore, remember?" She said with a pathetic sigh.

Days ago, she was renewed. She was strong. Today, she wasn't. Today she was feeling beaten down. Derek had knocked her down several pegs. She felt unsteady. Today she was weak. She couldn't fight Adrien off. Not now.

"Oh yes, I remember." Adrien said with a nod. "It's not right. You realize that, right?" Adrien asked.

"What's not right?" Meredith asked with a sigh.

"He is there. Day. Night. In your bed. And if this baby is mine. It won't know me. It won't know it's dad." Adrien spat.

"Why are you here?" Meredith asked as she continued to change into her scrubs.

"To give you these. I need you to sign them." Adrien said as he shoved the envelope in her hands.

"What is this?" Meredith asked as she looked down at the folder.

"Papers saying that you will do the prenatal paternity test. And I talked to my attorney. We could draw up the paperwork for custody. You could give it to me at birth. I don't want this child around you or Shepherd. You two are poison." Adrien said nastily. Meredith shoved them in her locker.

"Well, it won't be a problem, since you aren't the father." Meredith said as she started to walk away.

"Well, if that's the case, I feel sorry for it. The kid won't have a chance." Adrien said as he followed her. "It would be better off raised by lions."

Meredith wiped the tears from her eyes as she continued to the door. It was too much this morning. Too much to deal with. As she opened the door, she ran right into Derek's broad chest.

"Meredith!" Derek said as he looked at her.

"Don't. I don't care." She said as she shoved him out of the way and continued walking.

"Trouble in paradise?" Adrien said with a chuckle.

"None of your fucking business." Derek said quickly. "And I swear, if you said anything to her..."

"What, Derek? What will you do?" Adrien asked with a smirk.

"You don't want to know." Derek told him quickly. "You don't want to know." He said as he wheeled around and walked off.

----------------

Derek tried to talk to her. Every time he would get near, she would disappear into thin air. He wanted to tell her it was just the shock. There was no question. He loved her. He loved Meredith more than anything in the world. He couldn't lose her. Not over this. Not over something this stupid. A look. A look that he didn't even mean to make. He looked up at the OR board. She had surgery in awhile. And he was supposed to be in the OR now. He would have to deal with it later.

"Dr. Grey said I needed to find you." Dina said as she walked up.

"Mer- Dr. Grey... Is she okay?" Derek said with concern.

"Oh. Yeah. She's fine. You need and intern, right?" She asked quickly.

"Oh. Yeah. Of course." Derek told her as he looked at her face. "And Dr. Grey... On a personal level... Is she okay?"

Derek was opening up. He was practically admitting that they were in a relationship. Almost pouring his feelings out. But her knew that she was well aware of what was going on. She knew about he and Meredith. Maybe not all. But enough. But he didn't care. At this point, he didn't care who knew.

"She's a little upset." Dina said sadly.

"Is she okay?" Derek asked.

"I'm sure she'll be fine." Dina said with a faint smile. "Just down. I don't know what it is. But she isn't herself..."

---------------

Meredith made her way to the scrub room. Danny Carter was busy prepping her patient. He was going to join her in the OR when he was done. She sighed as she walked down the hallway. She didn't talk to Derek. She couldn't hear it. The possible changes to come. She couldn't hear him tell her that he wanted Kristy. She couldn't hear anything he had to say.

Meredith pumped the soap into her hand and began scrubbing vigorously. This would help. A good surgery would help her immensely. It would renew everything. Well, probably not. But it would pause it. She could be numb for awhile. She could focus on something else. She heard the door open and looked up. She looked right into the cold eyes of Ellis Grey.

"How dare you!" Ellis said loudly as she approached her daughter.

"What are you doing in here?" Meredith asked in shock.

"How dare you!" Ellis screamed.

"What? What is your problem?" Meredith asked angrily.

"Richard. Richard asked me for a divorce. Because of you!" She shouted. Danny Carter opened the door and stood there in a shocked silence.

"You! You have ruined everything. Your whole life. I knew I should have aborted you! You were a mistake. I was on the pill. I didn't want you. I must have known. I must have known from the minute that stick changed that you were going to ruin my life. Your father left. Because of you. I was left with you. I wanted to go into cardio. I couldn't. No time. Because I had you. You ruined it. I had to do general surgery. And now my husband is asking for a divorce because you couldn't keep your mouth shut. You couldn't just let things go. I have laid down everything for you. You are who you are because of me. And now you ruin my life! You are a worthless bitch!" Ellis screamed as she pointed at Meredith.

"I think you need to leave!" Danny said loudly as he grabbed Ellis' arm.

"I won't forget this, Meredith." She said coldly as she walked out.

"Are you okay?" Danny asked as he walked up to her.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." She lied to him and to herself. "I'm okay."

"That was your mom..." Danny said in shock.

Danny had always given Meredith a hard time. He was her trouble maker. A little too smart. A little too good looking. Always on her case. Always pushing her buttons. And now he felt horrible. The perfect Meredith Grey was shattered. He could see in in her eyes. Her mother had just said some of the worst things a person could say. It broke his heart. He barely knew her, and it killed him.

"Let's do this." Meredith said with a fake smile as she started to walk away.

"Dr. Grey... I'm sure de Gaulle could do it. If you're not able." Danny said softly.

"I'm fine." Meredith said as she hit the button and the door opened. "Okay. Thanks for coming everyone. Let's do this." She said as she approached the table and nodded to the anesthesiologist.

Meredith stood at the table and grabbed the scalpel from the scrub nurse's hand. This was supposed to be her safe haven. Her protected place where everything was okay. Where she could relax. Where she could focus on her work. Not today. Today everything came in with her. She had dragged it in like mud on her shoes. The thoughts ran in and out, taking her over.

"Carter. I need you to retract." She said softly.

[i_You are a waste of life.[/i_

_[iI should have aborted you.[/i_

_[iYou ruined my life.[/i_

_[iIt would be better of raised by lions.[/i_

_[iYou and Shepherd are poison.[/i_

_[iYou and Kristy?[/i_

_[iRichard asked me for a divorce![/i_

Meredith groaned as she felt her stomach tighten. It hurt. She felt the pain taking over. She winced with every cramp that came along. She sat her scalpel down and doubled over as the pain hit her hard.

"Are you okay, Dr. Grey?" Danny asked with fear.

"I am." She said as she stood back up. "Nerves." She muttered.

[i_Your father left, because of you.[/i_

_[iI want custody.[/i_

_[iYour poisonous uterus.[/i_

_[iYou are a waste of breath.[/i_

"Damn it." She moaned as she shut her eyes. "Oh..." She moaned softly as she felt the pain in her abdomen grow.

"Nurse." Danny said as he handed her the retractors. He quickly made his way around the table. "Are you okay?" He asked as he looked at her pale white face. He looked down. "Oh my god! She needs help!" He yelled. She looked down, seeing the blood soaking through her scrubs and dripping on the floor.

"Oh my god! Call Addison Montgomery." She cried out. "My baby..." She said as she began to feel weak. She felt herself falling as everything went black.

"Call Dr. Daniels! And Montgomery, whoever she is." Danny ordered. "Get a gurney."

"Montgomery is a neonatal specialist at Seattle Presbyterian." A nurse spoke up.

"Get off your ass and page her! And get de Gaulle for Mr. Jackson!" Danny said as they got her on the gurney.

Everyone rushed around like crazy. Danny tried to keep things as discreet as possible. They rushed her down to obstetrics floor. Dr. Daniels was ready and waiting as they wheeled her in. She was still out like a light as she began to examine her.

"How far along is she?" Dr. Daniels asked Danny.

"I don't know..." Danny said quickly. "I didn't even know she was pregnant."

"What's going on?" Addison asked as she rushed in. She rolled her eyes as she looked at Dr. Daniels. "She is eight weeks along." She huffed as he pushed her out of the way. "And she is my patient. Everyone who isn't needed here, needs to get out. Including you." She pointed to Danny.

"I'm her intern." He said quickly.

"I know you mean well, but you need to get out." Addison spat. "Wait! What exactly happened?"

"She was in the OR. She started having pain. Cramps. Then I saw the blood." He explained.

"Go." She said with a nod as she began to examine her.

Meredith stirred lightly, hearing noise and talking around her. She laid there for a second before she opened her eyes. She remembered what happened. The blood. The pain. She looked up to see Addison standing there.

"Addison... My baby... Is my baby okay?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Meredith. I'm... I'm so sorry." Addison said as she looked into her friend's face. "I'm so sorry." She said as she leaned down and embraced her best friend.

Meredith looked up at her friend's face. Just like that. It was all over. Everything that she had hoped for. Everything she had wished for. Moving on. Starting fresh. She was all over. It was gone. She lost Derek. Her mother. The baby. Her friend. It was over. She turned her head and closed her eyes. It was over. All systems down.

**I know it seems bad. But it will get better. Sorry I gave this to you on Grey's Day. It didn't happen on purpose.**


	53. Broken All The Way Around

"Meredith... It's okay." Addison said softly as she cradled her friend.

There were no tears. Addison couldn't believe it. It was like she was frozen. Meredith wasn't reacting. She wasn't talking. She was frozen. She was a statue. She was beyond comforting. She was broken.

"Honey... You had an incomplete miscarriage. I need to do a D & C." Addison said softly. "Meredith, can you hear me?" Addison asked as she walked around to the other side of the bed.

"Did you hear me?" Addison asked again as she looked into Meredith's eyes. She could tell by the shift of her eyes that she did hear her. "Do you want me to get Derek?"

Meredith closed her eyes at his name. She wanted him more than anything. But she couldn't do that to him. She couldn't put it on him. She was hurting more than she had ever hurt. For the baby. For Derek. For herself. It hurt so bad she could barely stand it. Her world was crashing.

Addison frowned as they wheeled Meredith down the hall. By now everyone was talking. Everyone was gossiping about how Meredith Grey was pregnant. Something happened. That hadn't gotten around yet. Danny was being pretty protective over her. He didn't know how she would make it. How she would pick herself up after everything she had just experienced. And he didn't even know it all.

It was the hardest thing Addison had ever done. To do a D & C. To take out the remainder of a pregnancy lost. It was unimaginable. She knew how bad Meredith was hurting. She seemed excited about the baby. No one would have believed it. The situation she was in. Pregnant with her married soul mate's child. Most would have thought it a curse. But Meredith had seemed happy. Like she had a hope that no one had seen in a long time.

They wheeled Meredith into a room. Addison had them give her light sedation. She was acting strong. Acting like nothing was hurting. But she had a feeling that when it hit her. When it really hit her. That it was going to be bad.

--------------------

Kristy heard the rumors flying around the hospital. Meredith Grey miscarried her baby. She couldn't believe it. She dropped everything she had to do. She didn't care what it was. She had to be there for her friend. Her heart broke as she ran through the hallway towards the room.

"Addison!" Kristy said as she ran up to her in the hallway. "Is it? Is it true?" She asked with tears in her eyes.

"Yeah." Addison said with a sigh. "Yes." She said as a tear ran down her cheek.

"Can I see her?" Kristy asked quickly.

"A few minutes. She's sleeping. She's been sedated." Addison said softly.

Derek was in surgery. She couldn't do it to him. She couldn't have him interrupted. She knew he had to finish his case. She also knew that Kristy had time to see Meredith before he got there. She shook her head. She had no idea how Meredith did it. How she kept it secret and balanced them both.

"Mer..." Kristy said as she sat next to her. The tears began to fall as she looked up at Meredith's pale face. "I'm so sorry, honey." She said as she rubbed her hand.

Meredith was sleeping peacefully. Kristy sat there with her. She didn't understand it. How life could be so cruel. How she could be dealt this hand. It wasn't fair. Not to her. Not to someone who had already been through hell. She sat there for a long time before she heard her pager going off.

"I have to go... I'll be back." Kristy told Addison as she ran away. Mark came rushing up to Addison.

"What's going on?" Mark said quickly as he ran up. "Is she okay? The baby. Is the baby okay?" Addison's face dropped as she looked at him. "Oh my god... Derek. Does Derek know?" He asked.

"No. He's in surgery." Addison said with a sigh. "He should be down soon."

"We have to tell him. Someone has to tell him." Mark said as he stood there in shock. "I will... I'll tell him." He said with a nod as he clenched his jaw. He rushed into Meredith's room and sighed as he looked at her.

"Oh god..." Mark said as he rushed to her sleeping side. "What are we going to do?" He asked Addison as he looked up.

"She isn't the only one we have to worry about, Mark. I have never seen Derek happier. This is going to kill him." Addison said as she began to cry.

"Addie..." Mark said as he held her.

"It's not fair, Mark. It's not fair. Fourteen years. Fourteen years they were apart. This was there new beginning. And now- Now this." She said as she sobbed in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Mer..." Mark whispered as he kissed her on the forehead. "I have to go tell Derek." He said with a nod as he rushed off.

Mark felt sick as he walked down the hallway. His best friends. They were all hurting. They finally find each other again, and they are all hurting. He doesn't know whether to cry, or break something. Telling his best friend that his child is dead. That was something he never thought he'd have to do. And he didn't want to.

He stood there in the scrub room. Derek glanced up at him. He had to drop his gaze. He couldn't look him in the eye. If he did that, it would kill him. And Derek would know. They knew each other better than anyone. He looked back up, seeing that Derek was closing up. His stomach dropped when he heard the door open.

"Mark... What's going on?" Derek asked happily. "Mark." Derek said again after he didn't answer.

Mark looked up. Their eyes met. He didn't need to say anything. Derek knew something was wrong. Very wrong. He had never seen that look on Mark's face. Not since- Not since the day that Meredith died.

"Meredith! Oh my god!" Derek said as he quickly scrubbed his hands. "What's wrong?" Derek said as he grabbed a paper towel.

"She..." Mark said quickly.

"Mark! God damn-it!" Derek yelled.

"The baby." Mark said softly.

"What about the baby?" Derek asked.

"I'm so sorry, man." Mark told him with a frown.

"No..." He said in disbelief. "No..." He repeated. Mark wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

"I need to... Where is she?" He asked as he pulled away. They both had tears streaming down their faces.

Mark and Derek rushed through the hallways. Mark led the way. Derek couldn't believe it. Not until he saw her. Not until he saw it. Not until he saw her face. And the chart. And Addison. He had to see it. He felt like he was running just like he did fourteen years ago. She was dying.

"Addison!" Derek said as he rushed up. "Where is she?"

"I sedated her. She's sleeping." Addison said softly as she pointed to her room. "I'm so sorry, Derek."

"I- I can't..." He said as he walked in the room.

She was broken. He could see. Even in her sleep, her face looked like she was in pain. He walked over to the side over her bed and held her. Not for her. She was asleep. For him. He needed her. He pulled her close and looked down at her face.

"Let's leave them." Addison said with a frown as she and Mark walked away. They needed air.

"Oh god...Mer..." Derek said as Meredith moved slightly.

Derek looked down at her. She blinked softly. The reality hit her hard as she looked up at Derek's eyes. His eyes were dark. They were sad. He was broken. She was broken. She lost her baby. They lost their baby. Sobs wracked his body as he held her. Everything was ending before it began. Or at least it felt like that.

----------------

Kristy rushed up. She finally finished all the worthless crap that she had to do. All she thought about was how bad Meredith felt. How sick she was. How it must feel to lose a part of you. A baby. She quickly walked up to the room. Her heart stopped as she looked at them. He was holding her. Derek. She had never seen him like that. So sad, yet caring. It was Derek. Derek was the father. The woman he loved. The woman who changed him. It was Meredith.

Kristy ran. She had to run. It was the only thing she could do. She felt like her world was crashing down. Everything that she knew and believed was flipped around. It was like she woke up in an alternate universe this morning.

She didn't tell anyone she was leaving. She couldn't. That was the last thing on her mind. She wasn't concerned that there may not be enough nurses on the floor. Or that Kelly Peterson needed her bandages changed. None of that mattered. Not any of it.

Before she knew it, she was there. She couldn't even process rational thoughts. She had packed a bag, bought a ticket, and now she was there. She was in front of her sister's house in Texas. She had flown to Texas. She didn't tell anyone she was going. There was no one to tell.

"Kristy?" Jessica, her sister asked as she opened the door.

Jessica looked up at her little sister. Her face was red and tear stained. She looked like she had been run over by a truck. She was broken. Never in her life had she seen her sister in so much distress.

"Oh my god! Is it mom? If it's mom, why the hell is you ass her?" Jessica asked in a panic. Kristy shook her head no.

"What is it? What happened?" She questioned.

"Damn-it Kris, I can't help you if you don't tell me." She watched as Kristy face scrunched up and the tears began to fall.

"He- He cheated on me..." Kristy wailed as she fell into her sister's arms.

"Oh, Kris..." She said as she hugged her tightly. "I don't understand..." She said as she led her into the living room. "I thought you were getting a divorce..."

"I am..." She cried loudly.

"Well, then who cares? Just be glad that miserable asshole is out of your life!" Jessica said.

Jessica hated Derek. That seemed like a harsh word, but it was the truth. She did hate him. He and Kristy were married three years and she had seen him twice. At the wedding, and once an Christmas. He never came to any of the family functions. Kristy was always along. He was a miserable guy. A guy that seemed like you could never make him happy. And Jessica saw how Kristy tried with no avail. How she was as miserable as him now.

"It's not that... It was her... He cheated with her. Meredith, my best friend." She said as the tears rolled down her face and she buried her head.

"That whore!" Jessica said in shock. "Let's beat her ass!"

"No. No..." Kristy said in shock.

"No? She screwed your husband. She needs to suffer." Jessica said quickly. She was like that. Quick to fight. Quick to blame.

"She is. She is suffering." Kristy said as she stopped crying. "He got her pregnant. They didn't use protection apparently. Just one more thing to imagine."

"What? Now the whore is pregnant with his love child?" Jessica spat. "I'm not surprised. I always said he was an ass."

"She- It died. Their baby died!" Kristy said as she began to cry.

She should be mad. She should be angry. But at this point, she was more hurt than anything. And she still hurt for Meredith. She was so confused. She didn't know how to feel. Meredith was her best friend. She had been through so much. And she felt bad getting angry at her. But at the same time, how could she not? Everything was a lie.

"So your best friend screwed your husband? Got pregnant? And lost the baby?" Jessica asked.

"Yes." Kristy nodded.

"And you feel bad? How the hell did you find out?" Jessica asked.

"I saw him. I saw him crying and holding her at the hospital. If you... He's been happy. He's been happy for a couple of months. I have never seen him like that. Actually happy. And I caught him at a hotel with her. I didn't see her... But it had to have been her. I don't know what happened? They- The first time they met, she ran. He left right after her. Like he was chasing her. I knew it, but I pretended it was the hospital. They must have known each other then. The looks on their faces..." Kristy explained as she let the tears fall.

"He probably met her in a bar." Jessica said in a huff. "Took her home, and then they were shocked when they both knew you."

"He's happy. I couldn't do it... How did she?" Kristy asked sadly. "What is wrong with me?"

"Oh honey, nothing is wrong with you..." Jessica said as she hugged her.

"Why did she lie to me? Why didn't she tell me the truth?" Kristy asked. "I've lost everything..."

"Oh, Kris... I'm still here." Jessica said.

"I know. But my husband. My friend. And I don't know what to do." Kristy said quickly.

"What is there to do? It's over. You can't- Oh god, Kris! You aren't- You can't fix this!" Jessica said quickly.

"I hate them. I hate them so much. But I- I love them. I can't take this right now." Kristy explained.

"Well, I think we need to think of all kinds of evil things we can do to them..." Jessica said with a smile. "That always makes me feel better."

"That's your thing. I just... I just want to cry." Kristy said with a frown.

"Come, on... Let's go to bed." Jessica said as she led her sister to the guest bedroom and laid down with her.

"What kind of person sits across from their friend and lies to their face?" Kristy asked.

"A shitty one." Jessica said as she closed her eyes.

"It makes me sick. Him and her. I can't stop the thoughts. Him and her. They created a life. And I don't know how long it went on. But I can't get it out of my head!" Kristy cried. "At the bar... I knew. He was so quick to help her. So quick to talk to her. He smiled. I could tell. I have never seen him look that way at anyone. God! I can't take it!" She yelled.

"Calm down..." Jessica said softly.

"What do I do?" Kristy asked.

"You have to figure that one out on your own..." Jessica said with a frown. Kristy laid there and cried herself to sleep.


	54. Never Letting Go

Derek cried on Meredith's chest. The only thing was, she didn't join him. She didn't shed a tear. Not because she didn't care. She cared. In fact it had torn her up. Ripped apart her insides. But she was so hurt. So broken. She couldn't function. She couldn't react.

"Meredith..." Derek said softly as he stroked her hair. He looked into her sad eyes and began crying again. "Oh God, Mer. It's going to be okay. Do you hear me? It will be okay."

She closed her eyes. She closed her eyes because she couldn't look into his. To see his face. To look into the eyes that she knew her child would have. To look at his face was pure hell. She could see how much he was hurting. And that killed her. But now he could move on. He could try to be happy.

"Derek..." Addison said from outside the room. Derek looked down at Meredith's silent body and quietly got up.

"I don't know what to do... She hasn't cried. She's not crying." He said in disbelief.

"I know. She didn't cry when I told her... She's in shock, Derek." Addison said sadly.

"I don't want her to break down. I don't want to see her cry. But I can't look her in the eyes and see that. I can't see her dying inside. She needs to break." He said as a tear escaped from his eye.

"I know, Derek. I know." Addison said as she pulled him close.

"It's all my fault. This morning. She was upset. I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't. If I had forced her. If I had made her understand. I killed my own child..." He said with a sob.

"No, Derek. No! This happens. It's no one's fault." Addison said as she pulled him close. "This is not your fault!"

"I don't know what to do." He said as he shook his head.

"Be there. Just be there." Addison told him. She held him close for a few minutes. Neither cared if anyone saw. It had become apparent the Derek was the father of Meredith's baby by the way he hadn't left her room. "I had to do a D & C. The miscarriage was incomplete."

"This is the second one she's had." Derek said as he shook his head. "The second baby she has lost..."

"Oh. I didn't-" Addison said quickly.

"We just found out. In her medical records. We just found out. That killed her... And now..." Derek said as he dropped his head. "I don't know how. I don't know how to get past this."

"One day at a time." Addison said with a nod.

"I have to go back in there..." Derek said as he nodded to Meredith.

"Okay. I'll be back in the morning. She is staying overnight, but she can go home tomorrow." Addison said with a smile.

"Thanks, Addie." Derek said with a nod as he walked back into the room and shut the door.

He walked up to her bed. He knew she was awake. He knew that she was listening. But she was pretending to be asleep. He walked around to the side of the bed by the window, looking at her face. He gently stroked her pale cheek.

"Mer... You need to talk to me." He whispered as he touched her soft flesh. "Please, Mer. Don't do this." He told her. "Open your eyes. Let me see your eyes..." Nothing.

He walked over and flipped the light off. He took in a deep sigh as he sat down in the chair. He wanted to cry. To morn his child. But right now he was worried. Worried about her. What she was feeling. What was going to happen. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. Soon he heard her starting to snore. He needed air. He walked out into the hallway and shut the door.

"How is she?" Danny asked as he jumped up. Derek looked down to see all five of Meredith's interns sitting outside the room.

"Did she? Is it true?" Dina asked as she looked up at him.

"Shouldn't you be working?" Derek asked.

"We're all off. Except Weathers, and its slow." Pierce said with a frown.

"So is she okay? Mather asked as he stood up.

"You guys need to go..." Derek said as he shook his head.

"No. We can't. She's our resident. She's our mentor. She is like family. We're not leaving! Not until we know..." Danny said quickly. Derek was taken aback by his passion.

"She's resting." Derek said with a faint smile.

"The baby..." Weathers asked softly.

"She lost the baby." Derek said with a frown as he drew in a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry..." Danny said as he looked at Derek.

"Thank you." Derek said with a nod. And with that is was confirmed. The gossip was true. "And you really need to leave. I will let you know if anything changes." Derek said with a nod as he opened the door and walked back into the cold, dark room.

He climbed into the bed with her. Not for her. For himself. He needed her. Right now he needed her comfort. To feel that she was alive, even if she didn't look it. Even if she felt dead on the inside. The minute he wrapped his arms around her, she tensed up. That crushed him. He was supposed to make her feel better. And he had no idea how.

----------------

Derek laid there next to her. She was sleeping. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't do anything but lay there and stare into the darkness. It wasn't just the dark sky and they drawn blind that darkened the room. It was the death. The dark cloud that loomed above them. He couldn't sleep. He could only think about the picket fence. The white house and the baby that was just sucked out of his life. He was pulled from his thoughts as his pager went off.

"Shit..." He muttered as he looked down. He felt Meredith jerk awake. "I won't take it." He said softly as he looked into her eyes. "I'll stay."

"Go." She mumbled as she looked up at him.

"No, Mer... I am here for you." Derek said as he pulled her close. She tensed up again as she pulled away.

"Go. Get out." She said coldly. "I don't want you here." She told him.

"Meredith..." He said in shock as he looked into her dark eyes.

"Go!" She yelled. "Go!"

Derek's eyes got wide as he looked at her. She was getting upset. The last thing he wanted was for her to get upset. She didn't need any more stress. She need to relax as much as possible. He watched as she began to breathe heavily. He could tell that he was making things worse.

"I'll be back." Derek said as he slowly climbed out of the bed.

"Please don't. Don't come back." She told him frankly. "Go home."

"Mer..." He said again.

"Get out!" She shouted.

And the pushing began. In her mind, she was helping him. Pushing him away was her way of protecting him. If she could succeed, he wouldn't feel this pain. He could more on. He could be with her. With Kristy. She was in too much pain. And she didn't want him to join her. He had to move on.

She wanted to cry. She didn't even know why she couldn't. But the tears weren't coming. It was like she was empty. Nothing. Her uterus was empty. Her heart was empty. And now, apparently so were her tear ducts. She laid there in pain. All her years of physical pain. All the years of emotional pain. And this...this was the worst. She jerked as the light flipped on and she heard the door rush open.

"You did it on purpose, didn't you?" Adrien spat as he rushed to her beside.

Meredith closed her eyes, willing him to go away. Willing this to all be an unimaginable, bad dream. But it wasn't. He was there. He was there and he was angry. She took a breath, waiting for what was to come.

"How could you?" He screamed. "Look at me! Look at me!" He said as he grabbed her arms. "You did it on purpose. You killed it. You didn't want me to know. You killed my baby!" He seethed. She could feel his hot breath on her face. "You better open your eyes, Meredith. Open your fucking eyes!" He yelled as he squeezed her wrists. She opened her eyes, looking at his angry one through the tiny slits. "You bitch... How could you do this to me?" He cried out. "I hate you, Meredith. You killed our child. You killed it."

Derek could hear the yelling as he approached her room. He looked at the nurses. They were looking, but not doing anything about it. It was Adrien. Adrien was in there, and he sounded angry. At this point, he was sure he would hurt Meredith. His paced quickened as he heard the man yelling.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?" He yelled to the nurse. "Call security!"

Derek rushed into the room. He was in shock. Adrien was holding her so tightly he was cutting off her circulation. He had never seen so much fear on her face. She was petrified. Adrien towered over her small frame. Derek rushed right up to the bed as grabbed Adrien's arm. He pulled him as hard as he could, sending him crashing to the floor. Adrien went sliding across the cold floor and quickly jumped up.

"Are you okay, Mer?" Derek asked as he rushed over to her. She was curled up into the fetal position. Derek looking at the deep red marks on her wrists. It made him sick. To see what he had done to her.

"She killed my child." Adrien spat as he picked himself up.

"Shut your fucking mouth." Derek warned as he touched her face.

"I don't think this has anything to do with you. Her. It's all her." Adrien said as he angrily approached her.

"Don't you dare touch her!" Derek spat.

"Fuck you, Derek." Adrien said as he pushed him away. "What did you do? How did you do it?" He asked as he grabbed her again.

Adrien felt Derek put his hand on his shoulder. He immediately spun around and looked him in the eye. Derek could see the anger boiling over. He knew what was coming as Adrien's fist flew towards his face. His hand went up and blocked him. Adrien quickly swung with the other fist and caught him in the side of the face.

"I warned you." Derek said.

He raised his first and connected firmly with Adrien's jaw. A loud crack rang out through the room. Adrien fell backwards on the floor, dragging Derek with him. Adrien quickly swung his fist, and just missed Derek's head as they fought back and forth. The blood began to spread on the floor as they spit it out.

"Hey!" The security guard yelled as he began to split the up. "Call the police!" He yelled to the nurse as they continued fighting.

The security guard gave up. After nearly getting hit three times, he stepped back. There was now a small crowd outside the door. He quickly ushered them away. He watched as the men fought, slipping and sliding in the blood that they had creating. The about of hatred and anger in the room was enough to blow the top right off of Seattle Grace.

"You bastard! I told you not to touch her!" Derek spat angrily.

"Hey! Hey, break it up!" Two officers said as they rushed in and pulled them off of each other. Derek jumped up and glared at Adrien.

"He started it!" Adrien spat loudly.

"What are you, ten?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"What the hell is going on here?" An officer asked.

"He attacked me." Adrien said frankly.

"He attacked her!" Derek said as he looked over.

She was gone. He looked around in a panic. His heart stopped. In his own rage, he never thought about her. That she was laying there. She was already traumatized by the loss of her child. And Now she witnessed two grown men act like fools. All the blood and yelling.

"Who?" The officer asked as he looked around. Derek rushed to the side of the bed and dropped to his knees as he saw her with her knees to her chest in the fetal position.

"Oh god, Mer..." He said as he slid her over to him. The blood from his clothes spread to her. The officer looked down at him wide-eyed. "Please, get him out." Derek said softly.

"Take him in the hall!" The officer yelled to the other. Adrien begrudgingly walked with him. "I'll- I will wait over here." He told him with a nod. Meredith burrowed herself into Derek's chest and let herself succumb to his embrace.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." He said as he kissed her.

The officer took his statement as he held Meredith. He wasn't letting her go. He couldn't let her go. Mark was right, he always had her by a finger. And tonight, he was afraid that if he let go of that finger, he would lose her forever.

Of course, both men had different assessments of the situation. Both said it was the other's fault. And Meredith was too traumatized to say anything. It was decided that either both went to jail, or neither. Of course they chose the latter. Adrien was forced to leave the premises for twenty-four hours until Meredith was discharged. Derek was allowed to stay with her. She didn't make a statement about what happened between she and Adrien, but she had forty-eight hours to do it. The officers and cleaning crews left, leaving Meredith and Derek, on the floor, him holding her tightly.

"You need a shower, baby." He said softly as he picked her up. "I will help you. You can't leave this blood on you." He said as they walked to the bathroom.

He sat her down gently and began pulling her clothes off. He pulled the blood soaked gown off of her. He almost cried as he looked at her frail body. In several hours, she went from looking healthy to looking dead. His eyes fell to her abdomen. Her empty abdomen. The tears began to trickle from his eyes as he pulled off her bra and panties. He slowly peeled his own clothes off and walked her in the shower.

His hands moved gently over her soft flesh. He massaged the sweet pea body wash all over her body. It wasn't sexual. It was deeper. She needed him. He had never felt that way. She needed him. She couldn't do it on her own. He gently washed her hair and rinsed the shampoo out of it. She didn't cry. But she did lean up against him. It was the first time her felt her heartbeat since he found out. His arms wrapped around her and the water fell over them both. He couldn't let her go.


	55. Better Than Silence

Derek laid in the bed and held Meredith all night long. She was quiet. Completely quiet. It was actually one of the few times where she was sleeping and not snoring. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't risk something happening while he was sleeping. Even if he is one of the lightest sleepers in the world. He watched as each hour ticked by. Every minute. Every second. He was scared to death as he watched the clock. He had no idea where they would go from here.

"How are you this morning?" Addison asked as she walked into the quiet room. "God, Derek. What happened to you?" She asked him as she looked at his swollen lip.

"Don't ask." He said with a look as he looked at Meredith and then her. She caught on that it was a sensitive subject and dropped it quickly.

"How is she doing?" Addison finally asked Derek as she looked at Meredith.

"Physically, she doesn't seem to be having any problems." Derek said with a shrug.

"Meredith. You can go home today. I need to do a quick exam, to make sure. But you should be able to go home. And Derek can stay in here if you want him to..." She explained.

Meredith looked up at Addison with her empty eyes. She couldn't speak. She knew she should. She knew that they wanted her to. But she couldn't. It hurt too bad. She felt like if she did, she would crumble. She would turn into dust and blow away.

Addison quickly did the exam. Everything looked normal. As normal as it could look. And all of Meredith's blood work came back within the parameters it should. Yes, physically, she was halfway normal. Emotionally she was not.

Derek grabbed the bag of clothes that Mark brought from home. He sat them on the bed and smiled faintly at her. He went to the door and followed Addison out, shutting the door behind him.

"I don't want to take her home." Derek said quickly. Addison's eyes got wide as she looked at him. "I know that sounds horrible. But I- I don't know how I can help her. Everyone says just be there. But how is that enough? She acts like she doesn't want me touching her. She doesn't listen to me. And now I have to be her babysitter." Addison quickly raised her hand and smacked him across the face. His eyes got wide and he dropped his gaze.

"How the hell could you just say that? She lost a baby, Derek! A baby. She is hurting. She is in pain." Addison said as she shook her head. "She isn't going to jump out of that bed and be fine. And you need to man up and be there for her. Even if she pushes you away. You have to be her "babysitter.""

"That's not what I meant! I just- I love her. And she is hurting. It is killing me that she- It's like she's dead. I'm afraid I will make her worse. Like I will say the wrong thing." Derek said quietly.

"You won't." Addison said softly. "But I do know that you are the only one that can help her. And you need to Derek, you really need to..."

"I know..." He said softly.

"What happened to your face?" Addison finally asked.

"Adrien. He attacked her." Derek said quickly. "We got in a fight. And honestly, I'd just like to forget it right now..." Addison nodded her head, not really understanding, but seeing he didn't want to discuss it.

"I'm going to get her discharge papers ready." Addison said as she walked away.

"Would you like to explain to me just what happened last night?" Miranda Bailey asked as she marched up. "Why I had to get another cardio thoracic surgeon for today?"

"de Gaulle attacked her. Physically and verbally." Derek said quickly.

"So instead of calling the police, you attack him?" Bailey asked in a huff.

"No. He attacked me." Derek said angrily. "And there was no way that I was going to allow him to do that to her."

"Well, all I know is that Adrien has a broken jaw, and you look pretty fine." Bailey said quickly. "And now you are both on suspension. Until I get the full truth, I am going to have to bring in two replacement surgeons. And if you ask me, this is bullshit. It never should have gotten this far."

"No, you're right. Maybe if you had protected her." Derek muttered frankly.

"I may have made mistakes. And I'm sorry that people got hurt. And now I have to go about fixing those mistakes. And I have a feeling no one is innocent here. Except that poor girl in there." Bailey said with a frown. "How is she?"

"I don't know..." Derek said as he dropped his head. "She is not okay."

"Be there for her. I don't know what the nature of your relationship is. I don't want to... But be there for her. Right now she needs whomever she can get." Bailey explained. "I'm giving her some time off. And the board is going to review this current situation, along with the police reports. You will be the first to know the results of our meeting." Bailey told him. "I will not allow violence in a hospital full of sick people who are here to get help. That being said, I have to go back to my floor. I'm glad she's physically okay. The mental will come later..." She said as she walked away.

Derek frowned as he looked at the door. he had to take her home. And when they got there, he had no idea what they would do. He had no idea how to deal with this. especially when he was hurting himself. But he did know one thing... He had to.

------------------

The ride home was silent. Imagine that. More silence. Derek was drowning in silence. Life with Kristy was non-stop talking. Almost daily he fantasized about her losing her voice to some horrible incurable disease. He hoped for eternal silence on her end. But now, with Meredith, it was killing him. Absolutely killing him. If she would just speak. One word. Just one word, he would feel so much better.

_[iSee the stone set in your eyes_

_See the thorn twist in your side_

_I wait for you_

_Sleight of hand and twist of fate_

_On a bed of nails she makes me wait_

_And I wait without you_

_With or without you_

_With or without you[/i_

That ride home was a precursor to the days that followed. He left her alone. Not alone. He was there with her. But she was still in silence. And so was he. He didn't pressure her. He didn't talk. He just held her. He let her know he was there.

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he watched her walk from the bathroom.

She didn't say anything as she walked. She didn't pause. Didn't look around. She walked straight into her room and shut the door. Derek walked hallway down the hallway and looked at the closed the nursery door. He didn't want her to see that. Not yet.

_[iThrough the storm we reach the shore_

_You give it all but I want more_

_And I'm waiting for you_

_With or without you_

_With or without you_

_I can't live_

_With or without you[/i_

"Meredith..." Derek said as he cracked the door open and looked at her laying in the bed. "Do you want chicken parmesan?" He asked softly. She rolled over and placed her hands underneath her head.

Derek walked into the kitchen. All the advice he had gotten in the last day rang in his head. He just needed to be there. But to him, it wasn't enough. And although he knew it wasn't enough, he had no idea what else he could do. But watching her lay there in her miserable silence was killing him.

Derek grabbed a package of chicken from the back of the refrigerator. Comfort food. That was supposed to help people. Maybe she would feel better. He could surround her by her favorite things. He began working on their meal. He turned the radio on a listened to the soft hum. It was better than the silence. Off to try again.

"Meredith... You need to eat." Derek said as he walked to the side of the bed. He knelt down nest to her and stroked her face. "Please don't do this. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to yourself." He told her as a tear ran down his cheek.

_[iAnd you give yourself away_

_And you give yourself away_

_And you give_

_And you give_

_And you give yourself away_

_My hands are tied_

_My body bruised, she's got me with_

_Nothing to win and_

_Nothing left to lose[/i_

"Meredith... I don't know what to do... I don't know how to help you." He admitted as he laid his head against her. "I don't know how to help you... This is all my fault. I don't love Kristy. I was shocked. I was surprised. But I wasn't jealous. And I upset you... I tried all day to tell you. But I was too busy. I didn't try hard enough. I killed our baby. I killed our baby because I was an idiot..." He felt her release her tension as her chest rose and fell.

"I love you. And this is killing me. I know you are in pain. I'm in pain too. But I need you. I need you to be okay. We lost our baby. But we still have each other. Losing the baby was horrible. Losing two is worse. But losing you- To me, losing you is unimaginable. I did it once. I barely made it through. I can't do it again. I can't do it again, because I don't think I can make it a second time around." He told her softly.

_[iAnd you give yourself away_

_And you give yourself away_

_And you give_

_And you give_

_And you give yourself away_

_With or without you_

_With or without you_

_I can't live_

_With or without you[/i_

"I- I love you..." She said in a weak, crackling voice.

"Oh, honey. I love you too." He said as he climbed into bed with her. "I love you too."

-------------------

Derek left her once she fell asleep. He wanted to finish their dinner. She needed to eat. The last thing that she had consumed was the oreo and milk mixture from days ago. He was having a hard enough time getting her to drink. But eating, that was impossible. He was just pulling it from the oven when he heard a faint knock on the door.

"Dr. Eastman..." Derek said as he opened the door.

"Oh! Dr. Shepherd." Dina returned as she looked up at her attending.

"What are you doing here?" Derek asked as he stood at the door.

"I- We. The interns and I, we wanted to make sure Dr. Grey was okay. I was the only one brave enough to come." Dina said with a faint smile.

"I believe it." Derek said with a nod, knowing how they feared Meredith. "Come in." They both walked to the living room, Dina was holding stuff in her arms.

"We got her these." She said as she handed him a huge stack of magazines. "We thought she could read them while she is resting. And these." She said as she handed him the flowers.

"She'll appreciate them." Derek said with a nod as he sat them on the end table.

"How is she?" Dina asked with a frown.

"Well, she's sleeping now..." Derek said as he paused, listening to her loud snores. "But she- It's been rough. Things are going, but the are rough."

"I'm sure they are." She said with a frown.

"Who is your resident?" Derek asked quickly.

"Donaldson. And it is hell." She said with a frown. "He's way too nice."

"Are you complaining about a nice resident?" Derek asked in shock.

"We just miss Dr. Grey." Dina said with a smile.

"Well. She will be back. She just needs some time." Derek offered as he sat there.

"I- Danny wanted me to tell you something. I know it's touchy. But that day-- Dr. Grey- Ellis Grey. She approached Meredith in the scrub room. He wouldn't tell me what was said. But it really upset her." Dina explained.

"Ellis was at Seattle Grace?" Derek asked in shock.

"Apparently she was." Dina said with a nod. "I just- Meredith wasn't as upset with you as you think... It wasn't your fault." Dina explained.

"Thank- Thank you, Dr. Eastman." Derek croaked with a nod.

"How are you?" Dina asked softly. She was praying she wasn't overstepping her boundaries by accusing him of being the father. By acknowledging his loss.

"I'm- I feel like I did fourteen years ago. She's here but she's not." Derek said with a sigh.

Oh..." Dina said, confused, but not willing to ask him about it.

"But I'm okay. I was just getting ready to finish our dinner..." Derek explained.

"Oh, well, I don't want to keep you. I need to go, anyhow. But let her know that we are thinking about her. And we miss her..." Dina said softly,

"I will." Derek said with a nod as he walked her out. "Thanks for stopping." He said as he shut the door.

Derek was in shock. Ellis had been there. Ellis had confronted her. About what, he did not know. It made him sick. He was sure that she had said something bitter. Something nasty. No wonder she broke down. How could she take it? Adrien hounding her. Ellis hurting her. And Derek being foolish. He was livid the more he thought about it. Ellis killed their first baby. And now she had killed the second.

"Mer..." Derek said as he carried her food in on a tray. "Meredith, I know you don't want to, but you need to eat." He said as he stood beside her bed. "Please." He pleaded.

Meredith sat up, with her back against the headboard. She was in the old pajama pants that he had kept and her Dartmouth t-shirt. She sighed as Derek sat the tray on her lap. He was ready to spoon feed her. She needed to eat. She was literally disappearing in front of him.

She sat there and picked at her food. She pushed it from one side to the other. She was lost in thought. He didn't know what she was thinking as she sat there in her silence. She stared at the red sauce in front of her. Red. Like blood. Like the blood that flowed so freely as her baby lost it's life. She quickly dropped her fork and stared into space. Derek frowned as he walked back into the room.

"I made you a bath." He said as he grabbed her tray. "Maybe that will make you feel better." Derek said as he walked out. When he came back in, she was staring at the wall as if she hadn't heard him.

"Come on..." He said as he pulled the blankets off her and walked her to the bathroom. She was just too weak to walk.

She slowly began pulling off her clothes. Derek nodded and left the room. She looked at the hot water in her claw foot bathtub. The bathtub that they spent so much time in. She lowered herself into the water and laid back. The thoughts crossed her mind. She could let go. She wanted to let go. But then his face popped into her head. She couldn't let go. She couldn't do that to him.

She laid there forever. But maybe it wasn't that long. Everything feels slow when you are suffering. The bubbles had long since disappeared. The water was getting cold. And yet she was having a hard time pulling herself out. If she could just go down the drain. That would be so much better than this. She finally pulled herself out and stood in front of the mirror. Her skin was pale. Her body was beyond thin.

Her dark eyes fell onto a piece of paper on the counter. She was shocked when her eyes fell on what was laying on the paper. She squinted, wondering if it really was that. It was her green amethyst earring. The one she lost. The one he gave her fifteen years ago. The one that disappeared from her life. She picked up the note and read it.

**[bMeredith-**

**Life is like glass.**

**Beautiful. Fragile. Painful if broken.**

**I will not let you break.**

**Love, Derek[/b**

With that, she felt even more broken. That was supposed to help. And it did. It made her feel like he was there. She knew he was there with her. But she also knew that she was killing him. She was pulling him down with her. She didn't want to. But she didn't know how to stop.

-----------------

Meredith looked over at Derek's sleeping body. It was as if she were in a trance. She slowly climbed out of their bed and began to walk. It was a straight path. A direct path. A path that was unstoppable. She turned the handle and flipped on the light. She looked up at the mural before her. She looked down at the paint on the floor.

She lost control of her actions. She was just acting. Going through the motions that her subconscious were demanding. She popped open the gallon of paint and dipped the brush. Furiously she began painting over it. She was covering up the pain. Covering the memories. Maybe she could just pretend there was no baby.

She stared ahead she she continued to slap the paint on the wall. She didn't care what it looked like. As long as it was covered up. As long as it was drowned out. She needed relief. She needed to end the pain.

Derek rolled over, reaching his arm out to her. He immediately woke up when it arm hit the cold sheets. She looked up into the doorway of the dark bathroom. She jumped off the balcony. She slit her wrists. She downed a bottle of pills. He couldn't lie. Those first thoughts that ran through his head as he jumped out of the bed. He looked down the hallway, seeing the light on in the nursery.

The knot in his stomach doubled and tripled in size with every step. He didn't know what to expect. Part of him was expecting to see her dead on the floor. He worried about her. About her stability at this point. About how it was killing her inside. He felt sick as he walked into that room. There she was, running the paint brush across the wall quickly and violently. His heart broke as he watched her covering it up. He rushed up behind her and softly grabbed her arm.

"Meredith..." He said as he held her arm.

Her eyes hit his. The emotions were in there. For the first time in days, he saw a spark. He saw something. It wasn't just emptiness. Her eyes got wide as she looked at him. He watched as the brush in her hand, dropped to the floor. It moved in slow motion as the paint splattered in the rug and hardwood floor. And then it came. The floodgate was opened.

She gasped loudly before a loud cry came from her lungs.

"My baby!" She screamed as she collapsed against his chest, "Oh god, Derek... Our baby!" She cried as the sobs wracked her body. "My baby... My baby... My baby is dead." She cried out.

"I know, Mer. I know..." Derek said as he wrapped his arms around her. "I know." Derek glanced up to the doorway, seeing Mark. The relief was apparent as he looked at her. He nodded and quietly disappeared.

"How do I go on?" She asked as she sobbed.

"We will be okay." He said as he held her. "We will be okay." He said as she broke down. As much as it hurt, this was better than silence.

**So she cracked. She really needed to. Now she can try to heal. Thanks for reading. And please review!**


	56. You've Been Served

Derek was surprised to open his eyes and see Meredith's staring back. He was sure she'd be sleeping. The sunlight was pouring in their windows. But all of the mental anguish she was going through was sure to tire her out.

"Good morning." He said as he leaned in and kissed her softly.

"Good morning." She returned quietly.

"How are you?" He asked as he stroked her cheek.

"Bad." She said with and honest nod.

"I know..." He said as the pad of his thumb caressed her cheek. "On a scale of one to ten?"

"An eight." She said with a sigh.

Eight. Eight was better than ten. And she was talking. She was actually carrying on a conversation with him. These may seem like small things to just anyone. But to him, they were just short of miraculous. A few days ago, he thought she was slipping away. But today he could see hope. Today he could tell that he did still have her.

"Okay..." He said with a faint smile as he looked into her eyes. "We're going to be okay."

"Don't you have to go o the hospital?" Meredith asked as she laid her head against him.

"No. Not today." Derek replied slowly.

Not today. Possibly not the next day. Or the day after that. Dr. Bailey hadn't contacted him. He heard that a neurosurgeon from Seattle Presbyterian was filling in for him. He thought she could have called by now. But she hadn't. And that saying, no news is good news. Tell that to someone who is waiting.

"You haven't been there in three days." Meredith pointed out with confusion.

"You don't worry about that. I'm here with you. That's all that matters." Derek told her.

"Okay." She said with a sigh.

"So are you hungry? French toast? Pancakes? A waffle?" He asked as he looked down at her.

Her recent meals ran through her head. The oreos. She was always eating oreos. And now, the thought of an oreo made her ill. The death cookie. That was all she could think of. She ate those cookies because the baby wanted them. And now the baby was gone. And now they made her sick. Death cookies.

"Um..." She said sadly as she thought. "Pancakes." She said with a nod. "Pancakes are good..."

"Pancakes it is..." Derek said happily as he threw the blankets off of himself. "In bed?" He asked.

"No. Not today. Today I will get up." She said with a nod as she forced her sore body out of the bed.

Her body was hurting. It was physical pain. She always had physical pain. But the mental was making it so much worst. And laying in a bed for the last several days wasn't helping her out any.

"You're sure?" He asked with concern.

"I'm sure." Meredith said as she walked over to her dresser.

"Okay." He said as he smiled at her and walked out into the kitchen.

Meredith had to force herself to do it. She didn't want to get out of the bed. She wanted to lay there and die. But Derek needed her. He needed her to be there. To be alive. And she wanted to do it for him. She wanted to live for him. And she was.

She pulled her clothes on and looked down at her jeans. They were hanging on her slight frame. A few days and it had sucked everything out of her. Life had sucked her dry. She looked unhealthy. She was unhealthy. Her mental heath had poured over onto her physical. She drew in a deep breath and walked towards the kitchen. she paused when she heard Derek on the phone.

"Suspension. For another week?" Derek asked angrily. "What about de Gaulle? He attacked her! What does he get? Oh... I see. What? You have got to be kidding me! He can't- I didn't- Okay. I'll talk to you later." He said as he flipped the phone shut.

Meredith stood there with a knot in her stomach. Suspension. She had no idea what he was talking about. What suspension? What did he do? And who did Adrien attack? She felt more confused and worried the more she had listened to him. She stood there against the wall. What had she done now?

"What's the matter, baby?" Derek asked as he walked around the corner. She hadn't come out, and he was starting to worry.

"What did I do?" She asked as she scrunched her face. The tears were quickly threatening to pour out.

"You! You didn't do anything..." He said as he gently grabbed her sides. "None of this is your fault." He said, referring to the baby.

"You- You were on the phone. i heard you. You said you were on suspension..." She said as she looked into his eyes.

"Oh! Mer... Don't worry about that. That is not a big deal." He said as he led her to the kitchen and pulled out her chair. She sat down and sighed.

"Don't do this, Derek." She said quickly as she looked up at him.

"Do what?" He asked as he placed her plate in front of her.

"Be you. You are being you. And I can't take you being you because it's you..." She rambled and then looked up at his smiling face.

"So, I can't be me?" He asked with a chuckle.

"No. Because you are too nice. You are too good. And I don't deserve that. And now you are being supportive. And I'm not ready. And this protecting thing you're doing? That's not helping..." She told him quickly with a furrowed brow.

"Okay. Let's see here... I am not too good. Too good? Not possible. And I have to be supportive. And you have to like it. There is no not being ready for support. You don't have a choice. And protecting you? I'm not going to stop that anytime soon. It's actually my full time job. Neurosurgery, that's what I do in my spare time." Derek said as he walked over. "So there."

"Ahh!" She shouted. "Another thing to add to the list... Argumentative."

This was good. This felt great. She had her spunk back. She was arguing. She had the spark back in her eye. He knew it would be short lived. But seeing that, made his day. Seeing that made him feel better than he had in a long time.

"Now that... That is just fun." Derek said with a laugh. He leaned down and kissed her head. "You are stuck with me. You realize that, right?"

"Fine. But I don't have to like it." She pouted.

"True. So true." He said with a nod as he sat down across from her. He looked up at her. He could see the wheels spinning in her head. "Mer..."

"Just tell me. Why are you suspended? No lidocaine. No nerve blocking. No anesthesia." She said as she looked into his eyes.

"Okay." He said with a nod. "The night you stayed at the hospital... There was a fight. I got in a fight with Adrien." Derek said slowly.

"Oh." She said softly as she dropped her head. "Because of me."

"No. Because of him. Not you. You didn't do anything. Adrien is... Who knows what goes on in his head." He told her frankly. "That is another thing. This guilt... It doesn't look good on you." She rolled her eyes and took a bite.

"So you're suspended." She said with a frown.

"I am suspended. So is Adrien." Derek said with a nod.

"How long?" She asked.

"A week for me. A month for him." Derek explained.

"Why is his longer?" She asked with worry.

"Because... He started the fight." He said, not lying, but leaving out the fact that he attacked her.

"Oh." She said. "Because of me... Because of the baby." She said as she sat her fork down.

"Meredith..." Derek said with a frown as he looked at her.

"I want to be okay. I do. I really do. For you. Because you are all that matters. But I can't. Every time I think I will be okay. I'm not. I feel like I could smile. But then I feel guilty. How can I smile when my baby is dead? How will I ever smile again? I'm trying Derek, I really am." She said as she sat there.

"I know you are, Mer. It won't happen over night. But it will eventually. But you need to keep trying. You can't give up." He said softly. "And you need to eat your breakfast..." He told her with a smile.

He was beginning to feel like he was nagging her. Telling her when to sleep. When to eat. When to to everything. He didn't want to do it. He didn't want her to feel like he was hounding her. But he knows well enough that he has to. Or she won't.

She picked up her fork and stabbed a small bite. The syrup dripped slowly. Like blood. It seemed like everything was like blood. Like death. She couldn't get it out. The food was making her ill as she stared at it. Their concentration was broken when the doorbell rang.

"I wonder who that is?" Derek asked as he walked to the door. His hair was wild and he was still in his pajamas. He looked up at the stranger.

"Derek Shepherd?" The man asked.

"Yes..." Derek said with confusion.

"You've been served." He said as he handed him the envelope and walked away.

He didn't need to open the envelope to see what it was. He wasn't exactly sure what it was, but he had an idea. And he didn't need to open it up to see the plaintiff's name. It was Adrien de Gaulle. And Derek had a sinking feeling that it had something to do with the fact that Derek broke his jaw.

"What's going on?" Meredith asked as she jumped up.

"Uh. Oh, nothing." He said as he walked back to the table.

"You were served with court papers!" She said as she looked at the envelope. "What's going on? Open them!" She said quickly. She was worried.

Derek picked up the envelope and and ripped it open. They couldn't catch a break. No matter what they did. It was the eternal climb up the steepest mountain. They suffered. And when happiness came. The suffering followed soon after. He slowly pulled out the papers, revealing the supeona. Adrien had gotten a temporary anti-harassment order.

He threw it down in disbelief. The nerve of that jackass. He was torturing Meredith. He was making her life hell. He had been cornering her. Threatening her. Saying he was going to take her baby. He had physically attacked her. All Derek did was defend her. It may have gotten a little more heated than it should, but it was both of them. Derek hadn't pummeled him while he laid lifeless on the floor.

"What is it?" Meredith asked as she picked up the paper and started reading. "Oh my god..." She said as she red over the paper. "You have to go to court. On the fifth." She said to herself in shock. "I can't- I can't believe this!" She said as the tears began to well up in her eyes.

"Mer. It's okay." Derek said with a nod.

"How is it okay? I kill our baby. I treated you like shit. And now he is attacking you. This is all my fault." She said as she dropped the paper and walked to the balcony, sliding the door behind her.

Derek watched as she sat down in the chair and held her head in her hands. He knew at the moment he couldn't help her. The guilt she was feeling kept raising it's evil little head and making her crazy. He quickly dumped their food in the trash. Three bites. She ate three bites. And she had four last night. Not even enough to keep a bird alive. He tossed the dishes in the sink and quickly changed his clothes.

"Hey." Derek said as he stepped outside with her.

"Hey." She said as she looked up.

"Let's go." Derek said as he grabbed her hand and pulled her up.

"Where?" She asked as she hesitantly allowed him to pull her up.

"Out. For a walk. Anywhere." He told her.

"Derek. I- I'm not sure... I need to..." She said as she felt him drag her along. "I'm not ready. I'm not ready yet."

"An hour. We'll go to the park." He said as he grabbed his keys and they walked out the door.

"We can't do this. We can't go out. You- You need to worry about the court papers. And I- I-" She stammered.

"Need to lay in the bed?" He asked with a frown. "One hour. A step at a time." He said as he unlocked the door.

Derek looked over at her as they drove down the road. She had a lot of emotions flowing through her. If each one had a color, she would be a rainbow. He could see the worry. She was worried about the harassment order. And the baby. The baby hung in her mind. The anger at Adrien, that was tearing her up. She was trying. He could see it. But he had to make sure she kept trying.

"You're mad at me." Derek said as he looked over at her.

"I'm not." She said with a sigh.

"You are." Derek said again. "You are mad at me."

"Fine. I'm pissed. I'm not ready!" She shouted in desperation. The outside world scared the shit out of her.

"Fine. We'll turn around. We will turn around, and you can rot in your bed." He said nastily. He looked at the tears that were building up. "I'm sorry, Mer. I just- You need some sun. And fresh air." She nodded as she turned her head and wiped her tears.

They pulled into the parking lot. The lot was nearly empty. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. No one was around. She could do his stupid nature walk. She could make him happy. She could make him think he was making a difference. She could do this for him.

"So. How do you feel?" Derek asked as they walked down the path.

"Okay." She said as she held his hand.

"Do you want some ice cream?" He asked, knowing there was a stand across the field. She shook her head no. "Okay." He said with a nod. His Meredith never turned down ice cream. No matter how stuffed she was.

"What's going to happen?" Meredith asked in an almost whisper.

"With what?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"This restraining order thingy." She told him.

"Don't worry about that. I'll get ahold of my attorney when we get home. Just- Don't worry, Meredith." He said as he squeezed her hand.

His attorney was one of Seattle's fiercest. Derek wasn't worrying too much about the situation. Adrien had become a fly. And Derek couldn't wait until the swatter took him to his fate.

They walked in silence. Derek wanted to talk. He wanted to ask her about her mom. He wanted to know what she had been through the last few days. He wanted to know how she was really feeling. He wanted to know what was going on. But he knew she wasn't ready. And he couldn't push her.

"Do you want to take the other trail?" Derek asked.

"No." She said softly as they headed toward the parking lot.

"Okay." Derek said with a nod as the walked on.

His heartbeat quickened. He could see it in the distance. A young woman. She was walking towards them, pushing a stroller. There was nothing he could do. If he led her away, she would be upset. But he was really afraid of what was coming. His grip subconsciously got tighter as she neared.

"Hi." The woman said with a smile as she walked by. "It's a beautiful day to be out."

"It is." Derek said with a smile.

Meredith's gaze dropped to the stroller. She saw the tiny baby wiggling around. He was wearing a blue onesie. She felt sick. A little boy. She may have had a little boy. One with Derek's eyes. Or hers. It wouldn't have mattered. The baby cooed softly. Meredith gasped loudly and covered her face, running off.

"Is everything okay?" She asked as she looked up at Meredith.

"No." Derek said as he chased after her. He hit the unlock button as she neared the Denali.

She crawled into the seat and began to sob. Derek opened the door and tried to comfort her. She continued to sob as he stroked her hair.

"It's okay..." Derek said as he kissed her softly.

"I'm sorry. I'm not ready." She admitted as the sobs began to subside.

"I know. Maybe tomorrow." He said as he kissed her head. "We'll try again tomorrow" She nodded her head as she looked into his eyes.

He shut her door and climbed into the drivers seat. He started the car. He pushed her too far. he thought he was helping her, and he just set her back. He was so mad at himself. He had to see her broken down. Any wall she built, he had just torn down. He had caused her pain. But that was all part of the process. A very painful process.

**Thanks for reading! And person who requested Kristy... She will make her return in a few chapters!**


	57. Downfall Then Hope

Meredith had walked right to the sofa. She didn't pause. She didn't look around. She marched right from the door and laid down. At least she wasn't hiding away. Derek's heart broke as he looked at her sad face. Her hands were under the side of her face, and her eyes were closed. He walked over and turned the t.v. on with the volume down low. Sound. He needed sound.

Derek grabbed her a glass of juice and sat it on the table next to the sofa. He wasn't sure what to do. He was always so busy being busy, he didn't know how to act when there was nothing to do. He quickly grabbed his cellphone off of his waist as it started to ring. He looked down at Meredith and decided to step outside.

"Shepherd." He said without bothering to look at the screen.

"Derek..." Addison said softly. Derek sighed as he sat down on the lounge chair.

"Hey, Addie." Derek responded quietly.

"How is everything? How are you? How is Mer?" She asked him.

"I'm okay... Meredith is- It has been a rough few days." He said slowly.

"It will be." Addison told him frankly. "But she will be okay."

"I hope so." Derek told her. "We had a setback today. I took her to the park. She didn't want to, but I pushed her. I think she was actually relaxing. And then we saw a baby. She broke down." Derek said weakly as he thought back.

"It will be like that for awhile." Addison explained.

"I know... I just- Not that I expect her to be fine. I don't want her to wake up tomorrow and be fine. I know she has to grieve. But I guess I don't understand." He finally admitted. "This is horrible. But- It could have been worse. The baby could have been full term and died. We were lucky it happened so early."

"It doesn't make it that much easier." Addison explained. "She was very attached to this baby. She was excited. I hadn't seen her so happy since we found her again. To her, this baby meant happiness. This baby was her new beginning. It gave her life a new meaning. It gave her a reason to keep trying. To make life work. And now it's gone. And she doesn't know what to do. She feels like she doesn't have meaning anymore."

"I'm here. She didn't need the baby to start fresh." Derek thought out loud.

"You know that. I know that... Now she just has to figure it out." Addison explained. "How is she physically?"

"Hell if I know. She doesn't talk. Not really. A couple of words here and there." Derek said in a huff. "I wouldn't know if something was really wrong with her..." He said in frustration.

"I understand." Addison said with sigh.

"She isn't eating. I have tried. I've cooked. She takes a couple of bites and that is it. She drops her fork and stares. She is rail thin. I have never seen her look so bad..." Derek said with concern.

"Just give her a little more time. She has an appointment on Tuesday. I'll talk to her then." Addison said.

"Okay." Derek told her.

"I have to go. I'll talk to you later." Addison said warmly.

"Bye Addie." He said as he flipped his phone shut and laid back. He closed his eyes and listened to the city noise.

"Where is Meredith?" Mark said loudly as he rushed onto the balcony.

"What? What?" Derek said as he jumped out of the chair. He had fallen deep asleep.

"I'm kidding." Mark said with a snicker.

"Fuck you." Derek said angrily as he looked in the living room through the door. "It's not a fucking joke."

"Whoa! Are you okay, man?" Mark asked as he sat down. Derek ran his hand through his hair.

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Just fucking perfect. I lost my kid. Not my first. No. My second. And I can't do anything about it. And Meredith is dying slowly in front of my eyes. And I pushed her too far today, and made her worse. She doesn't talk. She's mute. And she doesn't eat. She is starving herself. Adrien took out an anti-harassment order against me. Then I have an appointment with the attorney, and I am afraid to leave. And I can't take her with me to my appointment for my divorce. That would go over really well when I walk in with her. So no, Mark! I am not fucking okay!" He yelled loudly.

"I'm sorry, Der... I didn't... I don't know what the hell I was thinking." Mark said solemnly as he looked over at him.

"I'm sorry. I just-- It's a lot. And I have no idea how to do it." He admitted.

"Well, you don't have to do it alone." Mark said with a smile. "And I'll stay here while you go to the attorney."

"I don't want to leave her." Derek said frankly.

"I can take care of her. Besides, you need to get to that appointment. Things need to start moving. That will make you feel a lot better." Mark pointed out. "And you need to deal with that asshole de Gaulle. Nice job, by the way. His face is totally screwed up."

"I guess I'm lucky he didn't press charges for assault." Derek said with a frown.

"Well, that saying, you should see the other guy... I did. And he looks rough. I didn't think you had it in you." Mark said with a laugh.

"He attacked her. And I promised I would always take care of her." Derek told him. He glanced down at his watch. "Shit... I have to go. You're sure you can stay?"

"She's not a baby..." Mark said with a laugh.

"No. But at this point, she's just as fragile." Derek said with a sigh as he walked in the apartment. "Thanks." He said with a nod as he grabbed his keys. "I'll grab some food on my way home. Enchiladas. Maybe she'll eat those..." He told him with a shrug as he shut the door.

Derek climbed into the leather driver's seat of his Yukon Denali. Silence. Here it was, more silence. More of the deafening silence. He flipped from disk to disk. He stopped at the Clash. The Clash had always been his favorite. He turned up the volume until it drowned everything else out.

It felt good to get out. To get away from the depression. Away from the darkness. The air in the apartment was stuffy and stale. The apartment had a dark fog lingering in it. It wasn't like the beloved sex fog. It was depressing. It choked out all possible happiness that tried to make it's way in.

It wasn't that he wanted to be away from Meredith. He loved her. But it was hard to sit there and stare at her. To look at her, not knowing of he was helping or hurting. Not being able to tell how she was feeling. He could tell she was depressed, but he couldn't tell if she was getting better. It was a feeling of worthlessness. He felt as if he was doing nothing to help. Being there is what everyone kept saying he needed to do. But did they realize how that was? How it was to sit with someone that is a shell of what they once were...

Derek stood there in the empty elevator. Mark was right. He did need to keep moving. He did need to focus on the future. Divorcing Kristy was a big thing. One of the most important things. Meredith would feel much better, knowing that Derek was free from her. Maybe he would be able to take a small amount of guilt away from her. He looked at as the door dinged. How he loved sitting across from Kristy at the attorney's office. He did not...

"Hello, Dr. Shepherd." The receptionist said as he walked into the office. "How are you today?"

"I'm good, yourself?" Derek asked as he stood there.

"I'm wonderful. Mr. Cragen is with a client right now. But he should be done in a moment." She said with a smile as she began pushing papers around.

"Okay." Derek said as he grabbed a magazine and sat down in a leather chair.

He flipped through the magazine. His eyes were seeing the pictures, but his head wasn't registering anything. He couldn't think about anything but Meredith's sleeping form on the sofa. Her laying there with Mark, not him. He should be there if she wakes up. But he can't be everywhere all of the time. And he is having a harder and harder time accepting that.

Derek glanced up at John Cragen standing in the doorway. He looked at the woman who was walking out. He didn't want to be here. He wanted this to be over by now. He wanted to be living in the white house with the picket fence and the kids with Meredith. Not waiting for his wife to come and work out the details of their divorce.

"Hello, Derek." John said with a smile as Derek stood up.

"John. How are you today?" Derek asked as he walked up to the office.

"Busy. People make mistakes, I fix them." He said with a grin as they walked in. "So, I was looking over these terms again." John said as they sat at the long table. "And I still think you are being way too generous. You contributed financially to most of the major purchases. I think you entitled to more than you are asking."

"I don't care about any of that." Derek said frankly. "I just want it over. I just want to be free."

"Well, this is your decision. I just don't see the point of throwing away what is yours." John said quickly.

"Have you ever been married?" Derek asked as he looked over at him. John nodded his head no. "Well, when you are married to someone you don't love, and the love of your life is waiting for you... You don't care what you leave behind." Derek said with a sigh.

"As I said, your decision." John repeated. "And..." He said as he looked down at his watch. "Your wife and her attorney are late."

"Mr. Cragen, Mr. Cain is here." The receptionist said.

"Let him in." John returned quickly.

"Dan." John said with a grin.

"John..." Dan responded. "Dr. Shepherd..."

"And where would your client be?" John asked as he looked around.

"I'm actually surprised she isn't here." Dan said in shock. "I talked to her earlier this week and it was agreed that we would meet here."

"Well, you know I am a busy man. So, I hope she shows up very soon." John said quickly.

'I'll try to call her." Dan said as he stepped out of the room. John looked over at Derek questioningly.

"I have no idea..." Derek responded.

"We will talk about the other matter when Dan leaves. I pushed back my appointments." John said with a nod as he looked up at Dan who was walking back in.

"I couldn't get ahold of her." Dan said slowly.

"I can wait fifteen minutes." John said frankly.

The men sat around the table waiting. There wasn't much they could discuss without her present. Derek kept looking at the clock, watching the second hand tick. He wanted to be home with Meredith. He didn't want to wait for Kristy.

"I'm sorry, I have a full schedule." John told Dan.

"I understand. I will call your office with another time." Dan said with a nod as he walked out. His irritation with Kristy was quite apparent as he stalked off.

"Okay. As for this other matter..." John said as he grabbed the papers. "I think this could be cleared up rather quickly."

"I'd just like to know what he thinks I did. There was a fight, but only one incident..." Derek said, having read that there need be several.

"One incident? Oh no. de Gaulle is alleging three. Let's see..." He said as he read it over. "One in the stairwell of Seattle Grace Hospital when you kicked him in the shin, causing him to fall down several stairs. One in an on-call room where you shoved him into a wall, causing him to see double for an hour. And the most recent where you attacked him and broke his jaw."

"First of all... That is bullshit. The stairwell incident was not at all violent. We were both rushing up the stairs, he got to close, and was kikced as I went up. And after he fell, he pulled me down. And the on-call room, he was attacking Meredith. I never touched him. And the recent one... He attacked Meredith once again. More violently this time. I stopped him, and he punched me in the face. I defended myself. There are police reports." Derek stated.

"Meredith? It seems this Meredith has gotten you in a world of trouble." John stated frankly.

"de Gaulle is the issue." Derek told him. "And I want him out of the way."

"Well, I think we could probably settle this out of court. His attorney was on my staff out of law school, and the judge is a golfing buddy." John stated.

"Whatever is more painful." Derek said a smirk.

"Painful? Maybe you should hire a hit man." John joked. "And I didn't say that... " He laughed. "You really don't like this guy, do you?"

"He has hurt someone I love." Derek told him. "Adrien has been a thorn in my side for awhile."

"I'll feel out the situation and see what comes to light." John said as he looked up. "But I wouldn't worry about it. This is nothing."

"Good." Derek said with a nod.

"Well, I have another appointment waiting. But I will let you know what I find out." John said as they stood. "And maybe your wife will show up next time."

"No kidding." Derek said as he shook his head. "Thanks, John." He said as he walked off.

--------------------

Derek walked down the hallways with the bags of food in his hands. He was actually happy to be back home. Even if he was entering the international house of silence. He placed his key in the door, and shoved it open with his foot.

"I hope you're hungry." Derek said as he threw the bags on the table.

"Starved." Mark said as he walked into the kitchen.

"How is she?" Derek asked as he looked around the corner.

"Well, she got up and changed her clothes. But then she went right back to the sofa. I do think she was actually watching t.v. though." Mark pointed out.

"That's a step. I guess." Derek said with a shrug. "Hey, have you seen Kristy?"

"Why would I- I told you man, we are just friends, and barely even that..." Mark said quickly.

"No. That's not why... I thought maybe you knew where she was, she didn't show up for the appointment." Derek explained.

"Oh. Oh shit! I forgot. I think I heard some nurses talking about her being on vacation. Texas, I think?" Mark said with a shrug.

"She went to her sister's?" Derek said with surprise.

"Apparently." Mark said as he put his food on a plate.

"Hmm..." Derek said. He quickly made himself and Meredith plates of food.

Derek looked at her as he walked into the living room. She was staring at the the t.v. with a blank stare. Empty. A smile formed on his face as he looked down at her. He tried to make her feel better. Tried to offer hope.

"Mer, honey, you need to eat something." He said as he held the plate. She glanced up at him and scrunched her nose slightly. Derek sat her plate on the ottoman and sat down with his own. Mark looked over at Meredith and frowned.

"Damn it! Meredith Grey! Sit your ass up and eat your food." Mark said loudly to her. She looked at him with wide eyes. "If you don't, I swear I will feed you. And you don't want that." He warned as he sat his plate down.

Derek was pissed. He was seconds away from jumping down Mark's back. He couldn't talk to her like that. Who did he think he was? He sat his fork down and started to open his mouth when he saw it. She sat up. Not only did she sit up, but she grabbed the plate and slowly took a few bites. He remained silent as he watched her.

She ate. It wasn't much. But it was progress. She ate a third of her enchilada, and some rice. Derek was so relieved. He had been more than worried about her not eating. Derek took her plate from her and went to the kitchen. He sat back down and looked up at the screen. He was shocked when Meredith scooted over and leaned against him. He placed his arm around her and kissed her head.

"Tomorrow. We'll try again tomorrow." She said softly.

"Okay." Derek said softly as he rubbed her shoulder. "We can do that."


	58. Feeling Better

They were finally moving forward. Everyday seemed a little bit better. They had managed to go out to eat a few times. They went back to the park and walked. They even grocery shopped. He could see the pain that was still lingering, but he could also see it start to subside. She was starting to feel better.

"I Think I'm ready to go back." Meredith said as she pulled her top on.

"To work?" Derek said with surprise as he looked up at her.

"Yes. To work. I miss the surgeries." Meredith told him with a nod.

"And your interns." Derek said with a smirk.

"Okay... A little. But it's the torture. I miss torturing them." She said with a small grin.

"Sure." Derek said with a laugh.

"It's true." Meredith argued.

"Okay." He answered. "We should get going." Derek said as he looked down at his watch.

"Yeah. We wouldn't want to be late. You know how Addison gets." Meredith said with a giggle.

She was giggling. She was joking. She was smiling. She was Meredith. She was back from the darkness. She was the way that she had always been. Like before. Like when they were happy fourteen years ago.

They climbed in Derek's Denali. After they began driving down the road, he noticed it. She was tensing up. Now she looked worried. She had no reason to worry. And yet she definitely looked it. They had tip toed around the baby talk. Neither he nor Mark had brought it up in awhile. Mark had finished painting the nursery, and the door stayed shut. Derek packed away the baby clothes and put them in the back of the closet. The nursery was once again the guest bedroom.

"It will be okay, Mer." Derek said as he grabbed her hand. She nodded her head slightly and looked out the window. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay." She muttered as she continued to stare. He rubbed tiny circles on her hand with his thumb. His finger moved over her bony hand. She still needed to gain some weight, but she was definitely doing better.

As Derek pulled into the parking lot of Seattle Presbyterian, a thought crossed his mind. Ellis was here. He hadn't done anything to or about her. Not yet. He wasn't even sure what to do. The last thing he wanted to do was make things worse. He didn't want to make Meredith hurt anymore and he didn't want to cause any undue stress. Now all he could do was hope that she wasn't around.

"Dr. Montgomery will be with you soon." The nurse said as she shut the door.

Derek watched as Meredith slowly pulled off her clothes. She looked thin. He didn't like her looking that thin. She was eating now, but the stress didn't help. She was like that. When she got stressed, she dropped weight. She slid on the gown and pulled herself onto the table.

"How many days do you have until you go back to the hospital?" Meredith asked. She knew. She knew he could go back tomorrow. But she needed to make conversation. If she talked about something else, she wouldn't have to talk about the baby.

"Tomorrow. But I requested a few extra days so I can be with you." Derek told her as he flipped through a magazine.

"You don't have to do that. I know you want to go back. I'm okay. Besides, I'm ready to go back myself." Meredith said quickly.

"You don't have to push yourself." Derek told her frankly. "I don't want you to push yourself."

"I'm fine, Derek." She said quickly with a huff as she looked away from him. They both looked up as Addison opened the door.

"Hey guys..." She said as she looked at them. "How are you today?"

"Good." Derek said warmly.

"Fine." Meredith mumbled.

"Okay." Addison said with a nod. "I just want to do a check up. Make sure that everything is looking good. We did the D & C, but I'd like to make sure everything is out and healing."

"So, how is Jim?" Meredith asked.

"Jim?" Derek asked with confusion.

"Jim is fine. Why do you ask?" Addison questioned.

"He's your husband... I just wondered. I never get to talk to you..." Meredith said in an almost panic. "We all should go to dinner some time."

"That would be good." Addison said with a nod. "Lie back." She said as she looked up at her. "So physically, how are you feeling?"

"Fine." Meredith answered. "So... What about that place that we all went to? Mark, Derek, you and I? That would be good..."

"Oh yeah." Addison said as she looked over at Derek. He shrugged as he looked back.

"How is your mom?" Meredith asked.

"Meredith, stop." Addison said quickly. "I know what you're doing..."

"I'm not doing anything." Meredith said softly.

"If you say so. Okay... Everything looks good. Except the scar tissue. It's the same as it was. Not that it wouldn't be... But I do have to tell you something..." Addison said seriously.

"Don't. Just don't." Meredith said as her eyes began to tear up. "I can't hear that. Not now."

"What's wrong?" Derek asked as he sat upright.

"I don't- She can't say it... I can't hear it." Meredith said as she started to sob.

"Calm down, Meredith." Addison said as she rolled over to her side. "I was just going to tell you that it would be okay for you guys to try again. I don't want this to discourage you."

"Oh." Meredith said as she continued to cry. "I'm okay?"

"Yes. You are okay. Besides the mild scarring, you are okay." Addison said with a smile.

"I thought- I thought you were going to say that I couldn't get pregnant again." Meredith said as her face wrinkled up and she began to cry again.

"Oh, no. Not at all." Addison said happily. Meredith looked up at Derek as he stroked her hair.

"You're okay..." Derek said as he kissed her on the head.

"Derek, do you mind stepping out for a second?" Addison asked with raised eyebrows. She had told him before that she was going to talk to Meredith about everything. He nodded his head and stepped out.

"What's wrong?" Meredith said in a panic as she sat up.

"Nothing is wrong. I just wanted to see how you were. Not how you pretend to be in front of Derek." Addison said as she cocked her head.

"I'm fine." Meredith said as she turned away. "Okay, I'm not fine. But I'm trying to be." She said with a sigh. "I. Am. Feeling better." She said as the tears began to roll.

"It doesn't happen overnight." Addison told her softly.

"I know. I just want to be normal. I don't want to cry every time I see a baby..." She said as the tears continued.

"I know you don't. And that will take awhile." Addison admitted. "And this isn't the end of the road. It happened once. You can still have a family." Meredith nodded her head.

"I need the pill. Or Depo-Provera." Meredith said quickly.

"Oh." Addison said in shock.

"I'm not ready yet. And I don't want to take a chance." Meredith explained.

"Okay. I understand. I can get you a prescription for either one." Addison said with a nod. "Now the second issue... Eating. I think we will need to go to dinner this week."

"I know. I'm trying. I just- Every time I eat, I feel sick. Not like it's bad. It's hard to explain. But I'm trying." Meredith said with a nod.

"Well, you are about fifteen pounds underweight. And you need it back. You work a hard job, and you need to have some meat on your bones." Addison warned. "But you are a doctor. You know that."

"Can I go back to work?" Meredith asked.

"You are physically fine to go back." She said with a nod. "So as long as you want to, I don't see a problem. I'm going to draw some blood, and get that scrip, and then you are ready to go." Addison said with a smile.

"Thanks, Addison." Meredith said with a smile.

--------------------

Derek leaned against the wall in the hallway. They could try again. That made him unbelievably happy. He would have never shared his concerns with her. But he had been worried. The thoughts of them not being able to start a family had been scaring the hell out of him. And now Addison gave them the go ahead. He didn't want to start now. He knew that Meredith wasn't mentally ready. But when she was, he wanted to.

His heart stopped as he looked down the hallway. There he saw Ellis, marching around with papers in her hand. How dare she walk around like everything is fine? How dare she be a factor in her daughter's miscarriage and act like nothing ever happened. His fists clenched as she neared.

"Derek." She said coldly as she walked up. "Here for a check up for your bastard child?"

"Ellis. I want to get one thing straight with you." Derek said as his body relaxed.

His body relaxed. Because he was saying this. He wasn't going to get angry and do something stupid. Not over someone as worthless as Ellis Grey. Ellis Grey was truly a waste. And he was done with her. Just plain done. All the way around.

"I really don't have time to listen to anything you have to say." Ellis spat.

"You will listen. Because this is the last thing you will ever hear me say... You treat her like shit. You were never there for her. Richard was there. And if he hadn't been, who knows what would have happened. You ruined her life. And mine. But I am not worried about mine. It's her who spent fourteen years feeling betrayed and hurt. And it was because of you. She struggles daily to love and to trust. Because of you. So you are done. Done ruining her life. Done ruining mine. You are just done. Because us. What we do. It doesn't fucking concern you. And I swear, Ellis, if you try to talk to her. If you try to hurt her. I won't take it. Not again. My mother taught me to never hit a woman. You challenge that daily. But it doesn't really matter. The rules don't apply. You aren't a woman. You are a bitch. A sociopath. You, Ellis Grey, are the waste of life. And I guarantee your mother wouldn't have wanted you, if she knew what you would become. How does it feel? That right there. Your face. That look. That is what you do to her. And you are done. Get the hell out of here!" Derek said coldly. Ellis took in a deep breath. Derek was shocked as she wheeled around and walked away without a word.

"Hey." Meredith said as she walked out.

"Hey." He said as he kissed her softly.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she looked at his face.

"Nothing." He said as he put his hand on the small of her back. "Are you ready to go?"

"I am." Meredith said with a nod. "Let's go home."


	59. Needing Saved

"So. I get to go back to work tomorrow." Meredith said as she snuck up behind Derek and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Tomorrow?" He said with surprise. "Tomorrow..."

"What's the matter?" Meredith asked as she pulled away.

"Well... I just- I thought we were having a good time here. Sleeping in. Eating all our meals together, shopping. I thought it was was good thing." Derek said sadly.

"It was a good thing." She said with a grin. "But it's not our thing." She said as she grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator.

"Our thing? We have a thing?" Derek asked as he turned his head and looked at her.

"We do have a thing. We work. We work and we spend our spare time together..." She said as she grabbed the lettuce out. "Do you want salad?" She asked as she looked up.

"Salad's fine." He said coldly.

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked as she began to wash the leaves. "What is your problem?"

"Nothing." He said as he stirred the meat. "Nothing." He muttered.

"Whatever..." She said as she started pulling vegetables out of the refrigerator and threw them on the counter. "Now who is avoiding?" She said under her breath.

"Fine! I don't agree with you. Working and seeing each other in our spare time is not us. And if it is us, then I don't want us!" He said loudly.

"What?" She said as she dropped the knife on the counter. "You- Wow... I didn't see this coming." She said as she swallowed hard and walked off.

"Mer." Derek said as he watched her walk away. He turned the burner off and walked after her. He looked out the door, seeing her sitting in a chair on the balcony. "Meredith..." He said softly as he opened the door and walked out. She ignored him as she sat there, staring at the sky. "Meredith..."

"Back to my old ways..." She said as she held up the bottle of tequila and took a swig. "I can drink it again. The funny thing is..." She giggled pathetically. "Well, it's not funny... This is probably what killed my baby. This right here. I killed my baby. And now I'm killing myself. It's fine though, you know. It got me through the first time. It will get me through the second."

"What I said... It's not what I meant." He said as he grabbed the tequila out of her hand.

"You meant it. If you want to end it, just say it. Just say you want to leave." She said with a sigh.

"Do you hear yourself?" He asked with a whole hearted laugh. "I don't want to end it. I can't leave. I don't want to leave. You are the love of my life..."

"Then why did you say it?" She asked as she began to tear up.

"I was an idiot." He said as he rubbed her arm. "I- This last week, it's been horrible. But at the same time, it was great. It was great because I was here with you. And now you're ready to leave. To just go back to work. To just leave. And I can't go back. And I want you here with me." He said with a frown.

"Are you kidding me?" She asked with a giggle.

"No." He said, realizing how pathetic he sounded.

"Oh, Derek." She said as she shook his head.

"I've realized what we can lose lately. I just want it. All of it. Everything we ever talked about, I want it all. And I can't wait." Derek said as he pulled her close.

"I still love you. Even if you have a total lack in normal human communication." She laughed.

"I learned from the best." He said with a smile. "Let's go finish dinner." He said as he led her in and they wait back to their jobs.

"See, this is good. Right here...good." She said as she threw the salad together. "This is normal couple stuff."

"Oh my- Did you just say it? Did you just say we are a couple?" He asked with a grin.

"Shit!" Meredith said as she placed the bowl on the table.

"Ah... You did." He told her with a smile.

"I did." She admitted with a sigh. "So what's next?"

"More couple stuff." Derek said with a chuckle.

Meredith had to smile when the alarm when off. It was a sound that she had actually started to miss. She slowly turned the blankets back and crawled her aching body out of the bed. She looked over at Derek, who moaned and covered his head.

"Are you sure you really want to go?" Derek said as he rolled away.

"Yes." She said with a smile as she walked into her closet and grabbed her clothes.

"You could just stay here. We could lay in bed all day." Derek said loudly.

"Ah, I could. But laying in bed all day is only fun if you're having sex." Meredith said with a nod.

"True, very true." Derek said.

"And we have some time to wait for that." Meredith said.

"I have to say, you are getting quite lazy, Dr. Shepherd." She told him as she walked over and kissed him softly.

"Just realizing what matters." He said with a shrug.

"And that would be laying in bed all day?" She asked with a giggle.

"If it's with the one you love." He replied with a smile.

"You are so pathetic." She laughed as he pulled her down on top of him.

"Maybe." He said as he pecked kisses on her neck and face.

"You'll be fine. Go shopping. We need milk." Meredith said as she pulled away and marched off to the bathroom.

"Fine. I'll be the housewife." He said as he rubbed his face and closed his eyes.

Meredith walked out of the bathroom and looked into her room. Derek was sleeping. He was actually sleeping. She felt bad for him. He really seemed upset that she was going back to work. She just couldn't figure out why. She sighed as she walked into the kitchen

"You're up early." Mark said as he looked up from the paper.

"I have to work." Meredith said with a grin as she poured her coffee.

"Really? Back to work already?" He asked as he took a bite of his toast.

"I am." She said with a nod. "And Derek is jealous. Can you believe it?" She said with a smile.

"Derek's not jealous." Mark said with a laugh. "He doesn't get jealous."

"Oh. He's jealous. He has to stay home and play housewife." She said with a smile as she sat at the table.

"Now that is a plan. Derek can quit his job and take care of us. Cook and clean." Mark said with a nod.

"He could be our bitch." Meredith said with a giggle.

"Derek Shepherd, bitch to us." Mark said with a grin. "I like it..." He said as he dropped his paper. "But seriously. He's not just jealous."

"What?" Meredith asked, seeing his serious gaze.

"Derek isn't just jealous. He's worried. And depressed." Mark pointed out.

"He is not." Meredith said smartly. "Derek is not depressed. he doesn't get depressed. I would notice."

"First of all, he worried about you. He still does. Nonstop. It's pretty pathetic. He is always wondering if you are going to disappear again. And secondly. You aren't the only one that lost a kid." Mark pointed out.

She sat there and stared at her coffee. He was right. She was so wrapped up in herself. So wrapped up in her own grief, she never thought about his. The knot in her stomach started to form as she sat there. For the first time in awhile, she was feeling good. And now she wasn't again.

"You okay?" Mark asked as he looked up at her.

"I'm... No. I don't know. I just didn't realize- I was so wrapped up in myself... I didn't realize." She said as she dropped her head. "I guess I never knew how self absorbed and selfish I am."

"The important thing is, you did finally realize it!" Mark said with a chuckle.

"Seriously?" She asked with a frown.

"No. You're not that bad. You just get busy..." Mark explained. "He was there for you. And he didn't get a chance to grieve himself." Mark said frankly. "Now it's his turn."

"Maybe I should stay home today." Meredith said as she glanced at her bedroom door.

"He'll be okay... He needs some time to think. He just hasn't realized it yet." Mark said with a knowing nod.

"I was there when his dad died." Mark reminded her. "I know how he gets."

"He never talks about that." Meredith said sadly. "In fact, he has never talked about it."

"He won't." Mark said as he shook. "It was really hard on him."

"What happened? Fifteen years and he has never told me..." Meredith said. "Every time I brought it up, he changed the subject. And when I asked Claire, she got quiet."

"He had a massive heart attack. He was at home with Derek. Derek was probably seven years old, I think. Derek was being really bad, not listening. David had the heart attack and Derek didn't know. He froze. He sat down on the floor and cried. David died, right next to him. Claire came home and found him. He never forgave himself." Mark explained.

"Oh my God..." Meredith said as he eyes started to tear up. "I can't fucking go to work." She said as she cried.

"Meredith, that was almost thirty years ago." Mark said as he rubbed her hand. "He is okay. The baby just brought up some feelings. He just needs some time to himself. It makes a big difference."

"You're sure?" She asked, receiving a nod from him. "I hope you're right." She said with concern as she stood up.

"I am. I'm always right. Have you forgotten?" He asked with a grin.

"It's kind of hard. Seeing as you are constantly reminding me." Meredith responded with a giggle.

"Well, I guess I have to go." She said as she looked down at her watch.

"Don't worry about it." Mark said quickly. "Any of it."

"I'll try not to." She said as she started to put her shoes on. "See you later."

"Bye." Mark responded as he looked back down at the newspaper.

Meredith's wheels were spinning rapidly as she drove down the road. Derek's dad died with him standing right there. She never knew. He didn't tell her. It broke her heart, to think that he never shared such a tragedy with her. Something that changed his life. Something that had made such a gigantic impact on who he would become as a person. He didn't share. And that made her sick.

It felt good to step into the hospital, knowing that Adrien wouldn't be there to torment her. She felt invigorated. But at the same time, the sting of losing the baby was near to her heart. The last time she was here, she came in pregnant and left without a baby. She walked down the halls, knowing that people were watching. She dropped her head and walked into the locker room.

"Hey..." Chuck, a neuro resident said as she walked into the locker room.

"Hey." Meredith said with a faint smile as she walked to her locker.

Suddenly the locker room burst with noise as everyone realized she was there. People were asking her how she was. They were being friendly. Most people would have felt better. They would have felt like someone cared. But she didn't. It just made her angry. They never cared about her before. They hardly noticed her. She was resident bitch. And now that she had experienced a tragedy, they pitied her.

"So, how is everything going?" Chuck asked as she slid her scrub pants on.

"Fine." Meredith muttered without looking up.

"I'm surprised you're back so soon." Chuck said frankly.

"Okay, people!" Meredith yelled loudly. "I am fine! I'm here. I am ready to work. And I don't need you tip toeing around me. I don't want your pity." She said as she walked out of the locker room.

Meredith grabbed several charts off of the rack and began slipping through them. Dr. Yeager was in charge of her interns while she was gone. She didn't like him. He was too full of himself. He thought he was the most talented resident in the whole hospital, and he wasn't afraid to tell anyone as much. She looked down at her watch and walked over to the intern's locker room.

"Weathers, Pierce, Eastman, Mather and Carter!" She yelled loudly as she opened the door. They all looked up at her like kids coming down the stairs on Christmas.

"You're back!" They yelled as they came running over.

"Oh thank God..." Carter said with a grin as they all embraced her.

"How are you?" Dina asked with a grin.

"Okay! People... What the hell are you doing? Get off me!" Meredith said as she threw her hands up defensively.

"Oh... We missed you." Jacob Weathers said with a grin as he continued to hold on.

"Seriously?" Meredith asked as she backed away. "I am your resident. I am your boss! I make the rules. The rules are mine to make. And the rules are no hugging your boss. Or groping... Damn-it, Carter!" She said as she swatted him away.

"I am resident bitch!" She said seriously, the smirk on her face was daring to come out.

"Yes you are... But you're our resident bitch!" They said happily.

"Oh my god... Fine." She said as she rolled her eyes and let herself succumb to their embrace. "Done yet?"

"No." Dina said quickly.

"We are now..." Mather said as he pulled away.

"Okay. Now that that is out of the way..." Meredith said as she looked down at the papers in her hand. "We need to round." She said as she walked off, them following her.

"Hello there, Mrs. Evans, how are you today?" Meredith asked as they walked in.

"As good as you can be after surgery." She moaned.

"How is your pain?" Meredith asked as she looked down at the chart.

"I feel like someone is clawing me inside of my stomach." She said frankly.

"I think you could use a higher dose of morphine." Meredith said as she looked at the chart.

"That would be good." She said with a nod. She handed Danny the chart.

"Mrs. Evans is post-op from a bowel resection..." Danny went on.

Meredith's mind drifted off as she stood there. She wondered if Derek was up. Knowing what had happened to him... She didn't know how he went of. Losing his dad. Then thinking he lost her for fourteen years. And now two babies. The loss was great. No wonder he wanted her around. No wonder he held her so tightly at night.

"Dr. Grey..." Dr. Santos, the cardio-thoracic surgeon standing in for Adrien said quickly.

"Oh... Um-" Meredith said as she looked up.

She honestly had no idea how she got there. She knew she had walked. She knew that they had rounded on several patients. She was lacking charts and interns as she looked around. Derek was on her mind, and she couldn't get him off.

"Yes?" She asked as she stared.

"I'm Migel Santos, your cardio attending." He said as he stuck out his hand.

"Meredith Grey." Meredith said as she reached her hand out. "Nice to meet you..."

"Are you okay? You look a little distracted." Migel asked as they stepped out of the room. "I know you were on leave... They said for a month, but it's only been what, a week?"

"I'm fine." Meredith said with a nod.

"Well, nice to meet you... I hope to scrub in with you sometime soon." Migel said with a smile as he walked away.

"Yeah." Meredith said as she walked away.

"Smooth." Danny said with a chuckle as he looked over. She sighed as she continued walking. "Are you sure you're ready to be back? I mean you did go through a lot..."

"I. Am. Fine." Meredith said quickly.

"You look it. You definitely look it." Danny said as he shook his head. "So what do you want me to do?"

"Um-" Meredith started when her pager went off. "Come with me to the pit!" She said as she began running.

"What's going on?" Danny asked as they ran.

"Accident victim." Meredith said as they ran down the hallway. They both put on their gowns and waited by the back door.

"How is Dr. Shepherd?" Danny asked as he looked over at her.

"What?" She said in shock as she looked over.

"Dr. Shepherd... He was the dad, right? How is he doing?" Danny asked quietly.

"Okay. This stops here. This is none of your damn business." She said angrily as the bus pulled up. "What do we have?" She asked them as she walked out.

"21-year-old male, un-seatbelted passenger. He was briefly trapped in the vehicle. The steering wheel was broken and the windshield smashed. Bystanders report that the patient was unconscious for a few minutes after the accident. However, he is now awake but confused and agitated. He has slightly elevated blood pressure, facial cuts and blood in both nostrils. Breathing okay, lungs are clear. No obvious damage to the abdomen." The paramedic explained.

Meredith looked down they patient has been strapped to a board and put in a cervical collar to protect his spine from further injury, and has been given an oxygen mask and IV saline.

"Ah! Fuck!" The man yells out loudly.

"What hurts?" Meredith asked quickly.

"My back. Shit. My chest, my neck. My knee... Damn-it! Can't you assholes do something?" He yelled.

"Jack. Calm down." Meredith said softly.

"BP is up." Danny said quickly.

"Do a neuro exam." Meredith said quickly. "I hear crackling in his chest. He has some bruising... Carter, get x-rays of the neck, spine, chest and pelvis." Meredith said quickly. "Page me when you get the results."

Meredith sighed as she stood there in the confusion. even now, Derek was on her mind. She was happy to be back to work. Happy to be doing this again. But she windshield she had talked to him. She wished she could be there to comfort him. She didn't even realize how long she had been spaced out when she looked at her pager.

"They're up." Carter said as she rushed in. She looked at the x-rays on the screen.

"Holy shit! Page Santos. He has and TAD." Meredith said as she rushed out of the room.

Her heart stooped for a second. A TAD. Traumatic Aortic Disruption. The same thing she had. She knew the numbers. 90 of patients with aortic injuries die before they even get to the ER. Among those who have this injury and arrive alive at the hospital, 20-30 will die in the first six hours, 40-50 in the first 24 hours and 60-80 in the first week. She knew it by heart. She had lived it. She felt sick, thinking that she had been in this situation. Derek had been there. He knew the numbers. She knew how he must have felt. She had to save him. Just as she herself had been.

**Happy Grey's Day!**


	60. Most Important

Meredith rushed into the scrub room and began washing her hands. She needed to get into that operating room. The chances of him were far too low for her liking. She put her arms in the air and nudged the door. She nodded at the anesthesiologist as she walked up to the table.

"Where is Dr. Santos?" The anesthesiologist asked as she stood there.

"He was paged." Meredith said as she grabbed her scalpel.

"Don't you need him? Have you ever done this before?" He asked as he looked up.

"This man doesn't have very long here. Blood is pouring out of his heart. I look at it this way... We can go on without him, and try to save this man. Or I could stand here and let him die." Meredith said loudly as she began to cut him open.

"Holy shit..." Carter said as he looked at the patient.

"What's going on here?" Miguel Santos said as he walked into the operating room.

"I told her to wait." The anesthesiologist said as he looked up.

"He has a traumatic aortic disruption." Meredith explained as she began stitching the aorta.

"Well, thank god you noticed. Dr. Carter, tell me about TAD." Miguel said quickly.

"You're not taking over?" A scrub nurse asked.

"Dr. Grey seems to have everything under control here." Miguel said with a smile. "Dr. Carter..."

"Um. Well, a traumatic aortic disruption is when part or all of the aorta tears away from the heart." Carter said frankly.

"Okay. And why does this happen?" Miguel asked as he watched Meredith.

"Could be from a fall. Or a car accident." Danny explained. "Any strong force."

"Good. And we need to praise Dr. Grey here. Many times this goes unnoticed because the patient looks fine. It is extremely hard to detect... Do we know what happened to him?" Miguel asked.

"Car accident." Meredith muttered as she worked.

"Well, he should feel fortunate that it was only a partial tear." Dr. santos said as he looked down. "Very nice, Dr. Grey."

"So will he be okay?" Danny Carter asked as she finished stitching.

"He has a 20-30 chance of death in the first six hours, 40-50 in the first 24 hours and 60-80 in the first week." Meredith said sadly.

"So he's probably a goner?" Danny said with disappointment.

"No! No he is not a fucking goner! People survive. They make it. Have some god-damn faith!" Meredith said loudly.

"Whoa... Sorry." Danny said as he dropped his head.

"Dr. Grey is right. A little bit of faith goes a long way." Miguel said with a nod. "Looks good to me. Go ahead and close." Meredith let out a loud sigh as she looked down. "I believe you just saved a life."

"No kidding. That was awesome." Danny said happily. "It's weird, you know."

"What's that?" Meredith asked as she finished her closing stitches.

"That you had a loss. And now you've saved someone..." Danny said quietly.

"You had a loss? I'm sorry..." Miguel said with a frown. "A parent?"

"Thank you everyone." Meredith said as she walked away from the table. Miguel looked up at Danny with confusion.

"She had a miscarriage..." Danny said quietly.

"Oh." Dr. Santos said as he nodded his head. The both walked to the scrub room.

"Dr. Carter, I want you to follow him through recovery and keep me posted." She said as she dried her hands and walked out.

She felt empowered. She saved a man today. A kid. He was practically a kid. But she had been younger. she wondered if they cared when she was brought in. She was sure they did, Ellis was a pit bull back then. And she still is, but not for the right reasons. She didn't support the same causes.

Meredith looked on the board. She had another surgery to do. And then another. Both were quite simple, but she was happy to have anything. Anything to keep her mind off of things. She needed to relax. And not that Adrien wasn't there, she could do that.

---------------

Meredith threw the paper towel in the trash. It was her third procedure of the day. Being away for a week had actually worn her down. She was exhausted. Three procedures and she was ready for a break. She looked down at her watch and listened to the loud growling of her stomach.

As Meredith walked down the hallway, she thought about Kristy. She and Kristy ate lunch together almost everyday. And Meredith had been home for a week, and nothing. She didn't attempt to contact her. She had thought it odd until this morning. She heard a nurse say that she was in Texas. She was really surprised that Kristy hadn't said anything to her about leaving. She shrugged and figured she was busy. Besides, she missed out on all the drama, maybe by the time she came back, no one would be talking about it anymore.

Meredith grabbed her salad and sat quietly in the corner. She looked up at her interns. They were in the middle of the room, having a good time. It was hard to believe that she herself was and intern not so long ago. She missed feeling free, not having as much responsibility. But at the same time, she would never go back. Because back then she didn't have Derek. She stuck a fork full of salad in her mouth and stared into space.

"Dr. Grey." Miguel Santos said with a grin as he walked up to the table.

"Dr. Santos." Meredith said with a faint smile as she snapped out of her daze. [i_Oh God.[/i_

"Can I join you?" Miguel said as he motioned at the seat.

"Of course." Meredith said quickly. [i_If you have to...[/i_

"I have to say, Dr. Grey, I am so impressed by your actions today." Miguel said as he took a bite of his own salad.

"Oh. Well, thank you." Meredith said with a nod.

"If that is any inkling of what you are capable of, then you will go far." Dr. Santos said with a serious look. "I watched you do your other two procedures. You have a knack. It's something I haven't seen in a long time. You didn't hesitate. Many surgeons will. Not for long. But there is a moment. Not you. Today, you knew what you needed to do, and you did it. You saved a life."

"Well, thank you." Meredith said with a nod.

"So who was it?" Miguel asked as he looked into her green eyes.

"Who was what?" Meredith asked.

"You've seen a TAD before. You were very passionate about it. It's close to your heart... So who was it?" He asked.

"Um." Meredith said as she swallowed hard. "It was- It was me. I was in an accident."

"Oh... Well that explains the not giving up speech you made." He said with a nod.

"I was lucky..." Meredith muttered.

"Apparently you were." He said as he ate his salad. "I haven't seen someone with as much talent as you since... Well, not since Adrien de Gaulle."

"Adrien?" She said as the knot formed in her stomach. "I mean, Dr. de Gaulle..."

"I was his attending. He had it. The same spark that you have... You will do well with him. You are fortunate to have someone who can teach you so much." Santos explained.

"I am, I suppose. He was the reason I came to Seattle..." Meredith said, thinking back. [i_I wanted to learn from the best... I never knew it would end up like this.[/i_

"That was a smart move. He contacted me, and requested that I step in while he's on leave. I can teach you, but I have to admit that he was one student that far surpassed his teacher." Santos said with a smile. "I just hope he can move forward from the personal issues he is having..."

"Yeah." Meredith said softly.

"I have to go check on a patient. It was nice talking to you..." He said with a nod as he stood.

"You too..." Meredith said as she sat there.

Meredith had a sick feeling creeping up. What was she doing? By screwing Adrien de Gaulle, she had screwed her career. Miguel Santos was right. There were things that Adrien would be able to teach her. He had pioneered several techniques. He was learning and teaching new things everyday. People were fighting to learn under him. She was there. She was ready to learn. But she made a huge mistake. She got personal. She crossed the line. She slept with the boss. And now she was his greatest enemy.

Meredith spent the rest of her day busy with post-op notes and checking patients in recovery. The thoughts of Adrien kept going through her head. She knew not to start anything with him. She was not going to. But he pursued. And Kristy pushed. And now she wished she had pushed back. Or done what she does best... Avoid.

Meredith grabbed her cellphone and sat down in a chair. She found Derek's name and pushed send. She frowned when she heard his voice.

"Hey." Derek said quietly.

"Hey." She said softly when he answered.

"So how is the first day back going?" He asked.

"Busy. Way too busy." Meredith said quickly.

"Busy is good." Derek said with a nod.

"Yes. Busy is good." She agreed. "How are you?"

"What do you mean?" Derek asked.

"This morning you were down. I just wondered how you are feeling." Meredith returned.

"I am feeling fine. Why wouldn't I be..." Derek drifted off.

"You know why." She said quietly. "I know you are depressed."

"I'm not depressed." Derek returned.

"Okay." Meredith said, knowing that he was lying.

"Are you going to be home tonight?" He asked.

"I should be." Meredith returned. Meredith heard her pager buzz. She looked down at it. "Shit... I have to go."

"See you later." Derek returned as he flipped his phone shut.

The chief wanted her. Just what she needed. One more person to pity her. One more person to judge her life. Her palms became sweaty as she walked down the hallway. Derek was on her mind. Now she knew how he felt. Someone saying they are fine when they're not. Her heart was breaking for him. And she wasn't sure how to help. Meredith looked up at the chief's office as she walked up.

"She's waiting for you." The secretary said as Meredith walked up. Meredith nodded and turned the handle.

"Dr. Grey." Miranda Bailey said with a smile as she motioned Meredith to the chair. "Please, sit down."

"Is everything okay?" Meredith said with a little bit of worry in her voice.

"Everything is fine." Bailey said with a smile. "First I have to say, I am so sorry for your loss..."

"Thank you." Meredith said with a nod.

"How are you? How is the first day back? I heard you were a star..." Miranda said as she looked across the desk.

"Just doing my job." Meredith said modestly.

"That was far more than your job..." Miranda said with a smile. "I have to say, I am very pleased."

"Well, thank you." Meredith said quickly.

"How is Dr. Shepherd?" Miranda asked.

"Der- Um, Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith asked as if she had no idea. Miranda gave her a look. Meredith realized that she couldn't hide it. "He's okay, I guess. I think he is needing to get back here."

"That was one thing I wanted to talk to you about." Miranda said quickly. "I am so sorry, Meredith. I acted with no disregard fro your feelings. I dismissed your claims and worries. I believed you, but I acted as a business woman instead of a caring person. I am someone you should feel that you can come to for help. This situation with you and Adrien could have been prevented if it weren't for my actions. I apologize that you were attacked not once, but twice. Especially on that day. And Dr. Shepherd was also dragged in this mess. Right now, the board has me under review. And with my recent actions, I would say I deserve it."

"You just did what you thought was best..." Meredith said with a frown.

"No. I did what I thought would get the hospital further. I didn't protect you like I should have. And I want you to know that it will never happen again. And I am so sorry it did. I am going to call Dr. Shepherd and ask him to come back. Given the situation, I feel that he should be allowed to return now. And as for Adrien, I am honestly unsure of what to do with him. I do not want to bring him back, if you will feel threatened. But as you know, he is the best, and I do not want to steal the possiblity of learning from the best from you. So, I am asking you what you want me to do..."

"Me?" Meredith said in disbelief.

"Yes, you. You deserve a voice this time around." Miranda said with a nod. "I don't need an answer right away. He is on leave for another three weeks... And if you don't feel that you can make a decision, I will. But I already know which way I am leaning. I won't risk the safety of my doctors..."

"Um... Okay." Meredith said as she drew in a deep breath.

"Whatever you decide is fine. The hospital and I will not be upset with you. You will not have any repercussions from your decision." Miranda explained.

"I... Well... Can I have a few days?" Meredith asked.

"Of course." Miranda said with a faint smile.

"Okay... Well, I'm going to... I need to go." Meredith said as she stood up.

"It's been a long day." Miranda said with a nod. "Have a good night."

"Thanks. You too." Meredith said as she walked out the door. This was not her idea of fun.

-------------------

Meredith walked to the door of her apartment. The words from her conversation with Dr. Bailey were floating in her head. She didn't understand it. She was just a resident. She shouldn't have this much power. Holding someone's future in her hands was not something she wanted to do. She knew why Bailey was doing it. It was her own guilt over how she passed Meredith over and dismissed her. Nonetheless, she didn't want to do this. Not because she was afraid of holding someone's fate in her hands. Because she was afraid of the way she was leaning.

"Hey." She said as she opened the door and looked in.

"Hey." Derek said as he looked up from the sofa.

"What's going on?" Meredith asked as she slid her shoes off and dropped her bag.

"Not much." He responded quietly.

She looked up at the clock. It was seven in the evening. Seven in the evening and he was sitting there in his pajamas. And not clean ones. They were definitely the ones from last night. He hadn't gotten dressed today.

"Oh." She said as she kissed him softly and made her way to the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator door, seeing the gallon of milk on the shelf. She grabbed a bottle of water and walked back into the living room. "How did we get milk?" She asked as she stood there and looked at him.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked as he looked away from the t.v. and looked at her.

"Well, it's obvious that you didn't leave today. You are still in your pajamas." She said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Maybe I changed into them..." He said as he stared at the screen.

"Into dirty pajamas?" Meredith asked as she sat down.

"Maybe." Derek responded. She knew... It was Mark who did it. He got the milk.

"Okay. Let's talk about it. I'm here. I'm sitting here and I'm ready to listen..." Meredith said as she looked at him. He didn't look over. "Derek!" She said loudly as she turned the t.v. off.

"What?" He asked as he looked over.

"I'm trying to be supportive here." Meredith said genuinely.

"I'm fine, Mer." He said as he looked at her.

"No you're not. I'm Meredith. I know that whole I'm fine bullshit thing." Meredith said frankly. "I'm sorry, Derek. I'm so sorry. I was selfish. You were hurting and I didn't pay attention."

"You lost a baby." He said frankly.

"So did you." Meredith said as she began to tear up. "So did you, and I didn't notice. I wasn't there..."

"You couldn't be, Mer. You were too hurt." Derek said softly.

"No, Derek. You can't do this. This is you. It's your turn." She told him as she cried. "It's your turn, Derek..." She took a deep breath and stopped her tears. "I know I am shitty at this. I need you to work with me here... I guess we're supposed to have a moment, you cry, I cry."

"Oh. So that's how this works?" He mocked her.

"Please, Derek." She said as she mocked his signature head tilt.

"I wanted the baby. I wanted the baby because you did. But that's not the only reason why. We were supposed to have it all by now. And we keep getting older. I got cheated out of fourteen years. Fourteen years, that undoubtedly would have been the best of my life. And I'm fucking pissed." He said with a sigh. "It all felt right. You being pregnant. I thought it was going to start. Our lives. The family. And now it's not." He said with a frown.

"It will. This is just pause. We've been paused." She said with a nod.

"Paused?" Derek asked. "Pause." He said with a nod. "Not stop. Pause."

"Yes." Meredith said with a nod.

"Good." Derek said with a smile.

"Yes. Good." She said as she leaned in.

She closed her eyes as she felt his soft lips press against hers. Her hand instinctively ran up his back and to his hair. She felt his hand wrap around her neck as he held her close. Her fingers ran through his hair as their tongues played softly. Derek's left hand ran down her side and began playing with her zipper. She gasped an pulled away.

"We can't do this." She said as she pulled back.

"What? Why?" He asked as he looked into her eyes.

"I can't- I'm not... I'm not allowed yet. The D & C." She said with disappointment. "And we can't because I'm not done..."

"Done with what?" Derek asked. "Oh. The supportive thing." He said with a sigh.

"Yes." She said with a smile. "So. Tell me about him." Meredith said with a soft smile.

"What? Tell you about who?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"Your dad..." Meredith said reluctantly.

"What about my dad?" Derek asked defensively.

"Tell me about him. Tell me about what happened..." She said softly.

"Nothing happened." Derek said as he grabbed the remote and turned the t.v. on.

"You need to talk about it." Meredith said as she grabbed the remote and turned the t.v. off.

"No, I don't." He said as he grabbed the remote from her hand and turned it back on.

"Damn-it, Derek!" Meredith said as she ripped the remote from his hand and turned it off as she whipped it across the room.

"This is none of your business." Derek said as he ran his hand through his hair.

"None of my- None of my business! I love you. I - I am here. We are forever. Or so you say. And you can't trust me enough to tell me about the single most important event of your life. You could never tell me that your dad died right next to you!" She shouted.

"Who told you?" Derek asked loudly.

"It's not important. What is important is that you don't care enough to tell me." She said as she shook her head. "You don't trust me..."

"I killed my dad, okay? I killed my dad. My sisters grew up without a father. They didn't have anyone to walk them down the aisle. My mom had to raise us alone, and it's all my fault. I let him die right next to me..." Derek said as he began to tear up. "I let him die..."

"Derek... You didn't. You didn't let him die. You were seven years old, Derek. You didn't know." Meredith said softly.

"I did. I was so mad at him. I wanted to go to Mark's. He said I had to stay there. I told him I hated him. I told him that I would rather have Charles as a dad. I told him he was a loser. I told him he embarrassed me. I caused him to have a heart attack, and I let him die." Derek said as he cried in his arms.

"No. No you didn't. Non of that caused the heart attack, and you know it. You didn't do this to him. He dies because he wasn't healthy. It wasn't your fault, Derek. He knows that. Everyone knows that. So stop. Stop with the guilt. I know something about it. It doesn't help. At all." She said as she kissed him on the head. "I'm here. And I love you. I don't want to see you cry. I don't want you to hurt. It was not your fault..." She told him softly.

Derek looked up at her. For the first time in his life, he let it go. He left her hold him and he cried over the guilt that he had carried around. She was there. She was there and she was trying as hard as she could to do what was best. She was trying to help him, and it was working.

"I love you." Derek said as he looked up at her. "And you did good. You did the supportive thing well."

"Yeah?" She asked with a smile.

"Yeah." He said with a nod as he ran his hand over her cheek. "And the night I met you? That was the single most important event of my life." He said as he kissed her softly.


	61. Big Decision

Meredith laid in her bed and stared at the ceiling. Derek was sleeping peacefully beside her as she thought. Sleep wasn't coming. Not anytime soon. Her brain refused to shut off as she thought about the cards that were in her hand. What to do, she had no idea. She didn't want to leave it up to Miranda Bailey. But at the same time, she did. She just wished she could go back to the time before she got into a relationship with Adrien. Back when it was simple.

Meredith grabbed a bottle of tequila and a shot glass and walked out onto the cold balcony. She liked her balcony. It had proven itself a great spot to think. She wrapped the fleece throw blanket around herself and sat back in the chair. She poured a shot of tequila and drank it down. She wasn't in the mood to drink herself into the ground, she just needed to relax.

"Hey..." Mark said as he slid the door open and stepped out with the bottle of single-malt scotch. "Looks like we had the same idea." He said as he held the bottle up.

"I couldn't sleep." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Me either." Mark said with a nod. "What has you up?"

"You don't want to know." Meredith muttered as she drank her shot. "What about you?"

"Nothing." Mark said quietly.

"That didn't sound like a nothing nothing. It sounded more like a something nothing." Meredith pointed out.

"Maybe. I don't know." Mark said with a shrug. "You tell me yours."

"Adrien." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Oh god... What did that asshole do now?" Mark said angrily.

"He hasn't done anything." Meredith said quickly. "I haven't seen him."

"So what's going on?" Mark asked.

"Bailey put it on me. Whether he comes back or not... It's my decision." Meredith told him as she looked out at the sky.

"Oh. Well that is a hard decision." Mark said with a chuckle.

"It is." Meredith told him quickly.

"After everything he has done to you?" Mark asked in disbelief.

"Yes. No. I don't know. I am running out of time. Bailey wants to know..." Meredith told him. "Derek doesn't know. I don't want him to know. He doesn't need to have this on him. I just- He is the best. Adrien is world class. I came to Seattle to learn from him. And I need to learn from him."

"Mer, you are an awesome Cardio surgeon." Mark told her quickly.

"But I'm not the best. And he knows so much. And if I knew that things would change... If he didn't hate me..." Meredith trailed off.

"You are a fifth year resident. You don't have much longer." Mark told her.

"That may be. But I still have a lot to learn." Meredith said with a nod.

"I can't believe you are even considering this." Mark said as he shook his head. "The guy has practically tortured you. Why would you want to bring it one yourself again?"

"Because... I guess I just want to believe there is good left in him." Meredith said with a shrug.

"Oh god. I think you just need to drink that whole bottle." He said as he shook his head. "You know, it is one thing to feel bad for someone who is hurting. But it is another when they insist on continually hurting themselves." He said as he stood up and walked off.

"Mark..." She said as she heard the door shut.

Meredith looked off at the city and sighed. She knew where he was coming from. But at the same time, she wanted to be bigger than Adrien. She wanted to make it work for everyone, all the way around. She poured herself a shot and threw it back. She picked up her glass and bottle, putting them away. She walked into her dark room and laid down next to Derek. She knew what he would do. And she knew what she was thinking she should do. And they were not the same.

--------------

"Whoa!" Derek said as he opened his eyes and looked into Meredith's very tired ones.

"What?" Meredith moaned with a crackly voice.

"You. Well, you look a little tired." Derek said in shock as he stroked her cheek.

"Oh. Is that your nice was of saying that I look like shit?" Meredith said as she pushed his hand away.

"No. That is me saying you look tired." He said as he climbed out of their bed.

"Oh." She said as she threw the blankets off and climbed out of bed.

Derek watched as she ambled away from the bed and into the kitchen. Her body was hurting. This happened when she didn't have sleep. But thank god for pain pills. Thank god she could take her medications again. She never told him, but the pain during the pregnancy had been hell. At least now there was temporary relief. She almost wondered if that had been a factor. If her pain had hurt the pregnancy.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked as he followed her. Meredith looked at him and growled. Why did he have to be so chipper this morning?

"Oh, yes. I am fine." Meredith said as she twisted off the tops of her pill bottles and laid a few pills on the counter.

Derek walked up behind her and began gently massaging her shoulders. He kneaded the knots. His eyes were wide as he felt the tension and stress in her muscles. Something was definitely bothering her.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he kissed her neck.

"I'm tired." She said as she took a sip of water and threw the pills in her mouth. Without another word she turned on her heel and walked to the bathroom.

Derek took in a deep sigh and walked to the refrigerator. He knew something was on her mind. He could see it in her face. He could feel it in her shoulders. But she wasn't talking. And he wasn't forcing. He grabbed the english muffin out of the toaster placed it on a plate.

"Did you sleep at all?" Derek asked as Meredith walked into the room.

"Um. Yeah." She lied.

"You are lying." Derek said as he shook his head.

"Okay, fine. No, I didn't. Not at all." She said as she sat down and took the plate. "Thanks." She said as she took a bite.

"So what's on your mind?" Derek asked as he tipped his head.

"Things. Lots of things." She said as she purposely shoved her face full of bread.

"What kind of things?' Derek asked as he looked at her.

"Stuff. You should get ready. You're going to be late." Meredith said with a nod and a smile.

"And you are truly and expert avoider." Derek said as he kissed her on the head and walked away. "And don't forget that I can read your mind..."

"Oh yeah? What am I thinking now?" Meredith asked quickly with a smile.

"About sex. About how bad you want to join me in the shower." He said with a grin.

"Oh, honey... You must be confused. That's your own mind... I was actually thinking about how I'd like to be a nun and never have sex again." Meredith told him with a laugh.

"Not funny. Not funny at all. Your talents should not be wasted." Derek said quickly as he shut the bathroom door.

Meredith sat there in a daze as she ate her english muffin. She knew what she was doing. She made the decision. It made her sick. She didn't like this. She didn't want people to hate her. She drew in a deep breath as she stood up and walked to the door. She knew what she had to do. And now she just needed to get it over with.

"So... I was thinking... Your time is up, you know. It's been two weeks. Two weeks without sex... " No answer. He started to feel guilty. He didn't want to pressure her.

"Oh. You're not ready. That's okay." Derek said as he stepped out of the bathroom. "Mer? Meredith?" He said as he walked out in his towel. His face dropped as he looked by the door seeing her keys and bag gone. She left without saying anything.

--------------------

Meredith drove to Seattle Grace on auto pilot. Her mind was on more important things. Her mind was on the talk that she was going to be having in the not-so-distant future. She knew what she was doing, and she was just hoping it was the right thing. She looked out her window at the entrance of the hospital. She wanted this to be a place she loved to be. She had loved it until she didn't. Until Adrien hurt her. Since he had been gone, she was happy to be there. And now she was hoping it would stay that way.

Of course the day didn't go as planned. She was trying to talk to Miranda before rounds, but that didn't work. And then she tried after her surgery, once again she was out. And of course her decision continued to wear on her mind as she stood in the OR. Finally when she was done she decided she was going to her office, and nothing would get in her way.

"Is the Chief in?" Meredith asked as she walked up to Miranda Bailey's office.

"No. You just missed her. She is going in to surgery." Miranda's secretary stated.

"Okay." Meredith said with a nod as she hastily walked towards the operating rooms. She glanced up at the board as she walked by. Miranda was scheduled in OR two at eleven. She would just be scrubbing in.

"Dr. Bailey?" Meredith asked as she walked in the room.

"Grey. Is everything okay?" She asked as she scrubbed her hands.

"I made my decision." Meredith said quickly.

"Oh. You did? I figured you didn't want to... It's been a week." Miranda said as she looked up.

"I'm sorry. If it's been too long... If you have already decided..." Meredith muttered.

"Oh no. Like I said, you were the one that was wronged here." Miranda told her frankly. "You deserve to have a say."

"I um. Well- I want Adrien to stay." She spat out quickly.

"What?" Miranda said in shock. "I have to say, I didn't expect that."

"I came here to learn from him. In med school everyone wanted to learn from Adrien de Gaulle. I want to learn from him. I have my chance. And the hospital is lucky to have one of the foremost cardio surgeons in the world. I am will to push all of our personal issues to the side. I just want my shot to be the best." Meredith explained.

"Well, I appreciate that you are concerned about Seattle Grace having the best. But- I just didn't expect this. I must say, this is very big of you." Miranda said with a nod. "And I assure you, that if Adrien steps out of line in any way shape or form, he will be dealt with. I want you to come to me if he makes you feel at all threatened."

"I will." Meredith said with a nod.

"Thank you, Dr. Grey." Miranda said as she walked into the OR.

Meredith sighed as she walked down the hall. She wasn't sure if she did the right thing. She was hoping when she walked out of that room, she would see a bright flashing sign telling her that she was right. There wasn't. But this was on him now. He was the one that had to be on his best behavior. Meredith put her hand on her growling stomach and walked down the quiet hall.

"Hey!" She said as someone grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty room.

"You left." Derek said as he locked the door. "This morning, I came out of the shower, and you were gone."

"I'm sorry. I had a lot on my mind." Meredith said with a sigh. "And I was so tired. My brain wasn't working." She said as she laid her head on his chest in mental exhaustion.

"It hurt, you know. I walk out of the shower, speaking important, meaningful things, and no one was there to listen." He joked.

"Oh, baby. What were those important, meaningful things that I missed out on?" She asked with a grin as she looked up into his dark blue eyes.

"Um." Derek replied as he looked at her.

"There weren't any!" She said with a giggle as she pulled away. "You probably didn't even notice I was gone..."

"No, I did. And these meaningful important things... Sex." Derek said as he looked down at her.

"Oh. Of course." Meredith said as she shook her head. "My head is full of stress. Your head is full of sex."

"Stress? What's the matter?" He asked as he stroked her cheek.

"I- I made a decision. And I'm not sure if it was right or wrong. But it was mine. And I did it on my own." Meredith said as she drew in a deep breath.

"Okay." Derek said with a nod. "What was this big decision?"

"Adrien. Adrien is coming back to the hospital. Bailey said she would let him go. She let me decide. And I decided to let him come back." Meredith said quickly as she let her air out.

"What?" Derek asked in shock. "You had a chance to get rid of him forever? And you chose to let that worthless asshole stay? You chose to let him come back and attack you? I had to pull him off of you. I have to go to court because of him. And given the choice, you let him stay?" He said in a huff as he pulled away from her. He looked down as the tears poured out of her eyes.

"I'm sorry..." Meredith cried as she turned away from him. "I wanted to do what was right. I wanted to be the bigger person. I came her to learn from him. I came here to learn from the best. Maybe he'll be okay."

"Oh. So you are banking all of this on the slim chance that Adrien de Gaulle will act like a decent human being? He blames you for-" Derek stopped himself as he looked at her as she turned around.

"For what?" Meredith said as she began to bawl.

"Nothing, baby." Derek said as he crossed the room. "I'm just- Nothing..."

"I need you. I'm trying. This was my decision. I need your support. Even if you don't want to give it to me." She said honestly. "Please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad, Mer. I just don't want you to get hurt again." He said as he pulled her close. "I have to protect you. And I have to say, you aren't making it very easy."

**So Derek was upset. He nearly slipped and told Meredith about what Adrien had said on the night she doesn't remember. He doesn't want her to be wracked with guilt again. So he was made at her, but he calmed down and realized that she is just trying to be forgiving.**


	62. The Story

Kristy had been back for a few days. She was laying low. She was doing her job and staying away from everyone. She loved Derek. And Meredith was her best friend. And a small part of her, even if it was against the obvious, chose to believe there was nothing going on. She she hid away. She worked. She ate lunch alone, in a supply closet. She avoided any place where they would be. But eventually something would happen. No matter how hard she tried. They would all be at the same place at the same time.

Kristy stood by the wall reading a chart. She wasn't supposed to be up here. This wasn't her floor. But she had to be. Everyone was talking. Apparently they weren't even being secretive about it. Supposedly there had been hot sex in the on-call rooms. And someone else said that he was feeling her up in the OR. That one was an obvious lie considering they were in different specialties. Oh, and of course the groping as the dry fucked in the hallway. She knew how the rumors flew in the hospital. In fact, may times she had been in on the spreading of those rumors. She was hoping that it was all lies. That she had misunderstood the whole situation. So here she was, on the wrong floor. She had to see it for herself.

She leaned up against the wall inconspicuously as she hid out. Her attention was piqued as she heard a door open down the hall. Derek nonchalantly walked out and looked up and down the hall. She raised her brows as she stood, hidden behind a ficus tree. Her stomach sank as she looked up and saw Meredith peek out the door and walk out of the same room. Meredith walked over, grabbing a chart and stood next to Derek.

So many emotions ran through Kristy. The filter that generally weeded things out, was clogged. The tears began to flow down her cheeks. She was angry. Angry that they betrayed her. Angry that they had been having a relationship behind her back. She wondered how many times he refused her, and then went over and screwed Meredith.

The tears continued to flow as she watched them. Meredith was her best friend. From the minute she had seen Meredith, she saw a broken woman. A woman who looked like she had given up. Kristy was drawn to her. She knew she had to be her friend. And the more she had gotten to know her, the more she wanted to be. Little did she know that it would turn out like this.

And Derek. Derek seemed so freaking happy. So freaking delighted to have her around. What did she do? What was so magical about her, that she could turn him from and angry, hateful man, to a happy guy who didn't seem to have a care in the world?

She looked through blurry, tear filled eyes at the two of them. He whispered something in her ear that made her smile softly. He gazed down at her as his thumb gently rubbed circles on hers. It made her sick. It made her angry. It made her want to die. She had to get out of there. She couldn't take it.

"Hey... You're back!" Mark said as he passed her down the hallway, far away from the two of them.

"Oh. Yeah." Kristy said as she looked up.

"Are you okay?" Mark asked as he looked down at her red, bloodshot eyes.

"Allergies." She lied as she swallowed hard. Her stomach was in knots. She felt ready to vomit in the next available trash can.

"Are you sure?" Mark asked with concern.

"I'm sure." She said with a nod.

"So, how was Texas? Thanks for telling me, by the way. I had to hear you took a vacation from the other nurses." Mark feigned hurt.

"Sorry about that. My sister needed me." Kristy explained.

"Oh." Mark said with a nod. "Well...that's good. That you went, I mean."

"How would you like to join me at Joe's tonight? I think I need a drink." Kristy said with a faint smile.

"Sure." Mark said with a nod. "See you at seven."

"Bye." She said as she walked away.

Derek rested his hand on Meredith's. This is what they did. The little inconspicuous touches. The kisses in the dark corridors. The glances across the hallway. They both wanted to keep it quiet. At least until the divorce was over. Until they could be in a better place.

"So... We need to go out. The apartment is getting old." Derek said with a nod.

"Yeah, it is." Meredith said with an agreeing nod.

"So, what do you want to do?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"Let's go to Joe's. I haven't been there in awhile." Meredith replied softly.

"Are you sure you're ready?" Derek asked as he tipped his head. "What if someone sees?"

"Two colleagues enjoying each other's company?" She asked. "Besides, if you're with me, I'm ready for anything." She said with a smile as she walked off.

------------------

Kristy looked around the bar nervously. It had never dawned on her the whole day through that Derek and Meredith could have possibly had the same idea. She let out a sigh of relief as she looked around, seeing only the regulars. No sign of her husband or her ex-best friend who happened to be her husbands on the side dirty mistress. After a second glance, she finally noticed Mark in a table on the side of the bar.

"Hello." Kristy said with a smile as she walked over to the small table.

"You finally came." Mark said with a grin.

"I did." Kristy said with a happy nod. "I tried to leave. The hospital kept pulling me back."

"It has a way of doing that." Mark said with a smile. "What can I get you to drink?

"Tequila." She said quickly.

"Na. You're not a tequila kind of girl." Mark pointed out.

"Oh no. That's Meredith." Kristy said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Um, a cosmo, I guess. That's me. Boring Kristy."

"A cosmo it is." Mark said, not feeding into her trap. "So? This problem with your sister, did you solve it?"

"My sister... Oh... No. I don't see it being solved anytime soon." Kristy said with a huff as she thought about Meredith and Derek.

"Oh. Well, that doesn't sound like any fun." Mark said quickly. "So how is peds?"

"It's kids. Kids are great, you know? So much better than adults. People who betray you. People who insist on torturing you and making your life hell." Kristy explained, unable to get out of the slump she was in.

"Yeah. I suppose you are right." Mark said with a nod. "Kids are great." He said with a shrug.

"So how was the hospital while I was gone? Anything exciting happen?" Kristy asked as she searched his face for signs.

"Um... No." Mark said as shook his head. "Not a thing."

"Nothing, huh?" Kristy asked with raised eyebrows. "I have a hard time believing that. Especially at Seattle Grace."

"What are we doing here?" Mark asked with irritation.

At that moment, the door dinged. The bell would ding dozens of times on any given night. But not tonight. Tonight it was different. It was different because they both looked up. Something drew their attention. Something bog. Something important.

Kristy looked up as Derek walked in. Not even a full pace behind him was Meredith. Kristy felt the rage in her body take over. How could they walk in together? Apparently they forgot what discretion was. No pretending to come in and then seeing each other. There was none of that. They came in together. Together. As in look at us, we're a couple.

Meredith sat down at a table on the far end. Derek didn't even look around. It was obvious his only interest was her. He didn't care about anyone else being around. He walked up to the bar and grabbed his signature single malt scotch and her tequila. His eyes locked on hers as he walked to their table. Derek sat their drinks down on the table and sat next to her.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he moved a stray piece of hair from her face.

"I think so." She said as she swallowed hard and nodded. "But we need this. We need to get out."

"Yes we do." Derek said with a nod as he placed his hand on her thigh.

"I think we're going to be okay. I think it's all going to be okay." She said with a faint smile as she looked into his deep blue eyes.

"I think we are." He said with a nod as he leaned on and kissed her softly. Meredith moaned as he parted her lips with his tongue and their tongues danced.

"That bitch!" Kristy spat as she looked across the bar. "That fucking whore..."

That was Kristy. She wasn't confrontational. She was a fixer. She fixed everyone, but never herself. She held it in and cried. But she never had to hold it in, because she generally didn't hurt. But this hurt. This hurt bad. And she didn't know how to make it stop.

It hurt. To see him like that. Like she was the only thing in his world. She had never seen him look like that. Not with anyone. Not with that much love in his eyes. Not with that much care. she never had that. And it broke her heart.

"Excuse me?" Mark said nastily. "Don't say that."

"What?" Kristy snapped. "She is, Mark. She is a whore. She is screwing my husband."

"No. You don't call her that. You do not call her a whore." Mark said frankly. "You don't call her that, because you don't know what the hell you are talking about!"

"What?" She said again in shock.

"That. That right there." Mark said as he pointed. "I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings. God knows you are a great person, and you don't deserve to be hurt. But that right there... You can't compete with that. You can't compete with her. In his eyes, she is the only one. And you can't- You will never be her." Mark said frankly.

"I can't believe you!" She said as she began to cry. "You knew... You knew and you let it happen." She said as she stood up and walked off.

They walked into the mist outside the bar. Kristy bawled as she quickly walked towards her car.

"Leave me alone!" Kristy said as she began to jog off.

"No. No. You can't leave like this. Not without hearing the whole story." Mark said as he ran up and grabbed her arm.. "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes. Then you can decide." Mark said quickly.

"Why? Why should I listen to a thing you have to say?" Kristy yelled through the tears. "Why should I listen to someone that I thought cared enough to not hurt me? Why didn't you tell me? How long have you known?" She cried.

"Fifteen minutes." Mark said simply. Kristy nodded her head yes in defeat as she continued the walk to her car.

"Get in." She said flatly as she unlocked the door. "Hurry up." She muttered as she sat behind the wheel and looked straight ahead. "Talk."

"She never meant to hurt you. Meredith- She has bent over backwards. You don't understand that, but she has put herself through hell to try and save your feelings." Mark told her. He paused to see her reaction.

"She went through hell? How is fucking my husband, going through hell?" Kristy yelled. "How long?"

"Fifteen years." Mark said as he looked over at her.

"Fifteen years? No. How long has this been going on?" Kristy asked again.

"Fifteen years. Meredith and Derek met fifteen years ago. It was at a party. My party. I had some kick ass parties..." Mark said as he smiled, reminiscing.

"She knew him?" Kristy growled. "In the house that day... She knew him..."

"I don't know exactly what happened. But Der immediately fell for her. He went on the whole next day about her. I told him to give it up, he'd never see her again. And I'll be damned if she didn't walk into the bar that night. Right back into his life. And that was it. It was all over then. He was head over heels. He was pathetic. They were happy for a year. Completely inseparable." Mark said with a chuckle.

"He's the guy..." Kristy said in shock. "He's the guy that left her. That left her broken..."

"They were happy. So happy that Derek moved out of our apartment and in with her days after she turned eighteen. That day... They were going somewhere. I never asked where. I guess I didn't want to know... I couldn't think about it... Mer had this Corvette. A fifty three, I think. Fitty one? She loved that damn thing. No one drove it. ever. Well for the first time ever, she let Derek drive. They were hit by a truck. The guy ran the red light." Mark said as his face dropped.

"What?" Kristy said in shock as she sat there. "The scars..." She drifted off.

"A corvette is fiberglass. She shouldn't have lived. It flipped four, I don't know, maybe five times. They had to cut her out. She was a mess. Derek he broke his arm. But Meredith, she was on the side of impact. It broke her. Anything that could break, did. Her aorta tore. Her legs were broken. She was practically dead when they got her to the hospital." Mark said as he shook his head.

"He almost killed her? And he left!" Kristy asked as things started to make sense.

"She was in a coma for a month. Derek stuck around. But Ellis, she wanted to give up. Part of her was in pain, seeing Meredith that way. But part of her was selfish. Derek was the one there. The one reading to her. The one talking. He was there. And Ellis gave up. She was the medical proxy. It was her decision. I came, I said my goodbyes. It was the hardest thing I ever did." Mark said as his voice cracked. "She was like my sister. And they were killing her. Derek stayed. And Ellis pushed him away. He couldn't take it. The pain. The guilt. He couldn't hold on. We thought she died. Derek, Addison and I. We thought she was dead."

"Addison... So you were all friends... You thought she was dead?" Kristy said as she looked at him.

"It killed Derek. He was never the same. He lost her. The love of his life was dead. And she took him with her. We all separated. And then, when I came to Seattle, there she was. I couldn't believe it. And then she found Derek. At your house. She tried, Kris. She did. But love like that. You can't stop it. And it built from there." Mark said sadly.

"Why couldn't they just tell me?" Kristy asked as she cried.

"They didn't want to hurt you." Mark said quickly. "I didn't work out. But they really care about you. Both of them." Mark told her.

"You know, that's why I went to Texas. I saw them. I saw him holding her. After the-- After the baby. And... I have never seen him look at anyone like that." She said as she whimpered. "I just wanted to fix him. And she-"

"She did. She was the only one that could." Mark said with a nod. "So that's it. That is there story. Just know, in their hearts, they didn't want it to happen this way." Mark said. Kristy drew in a deep breath.

"I need to think." She said with a nod. "I'll- I'll see you later."

**So Kristy has to think about everything...Will she forgive?**


	63. Sexually Frustrated

Mark sat at the kitchen table, eating his breakfast. He actually felt relieved. He felt good about what he had done. Maybe he should have said something to Meredith and Derek before he explained everything to Kristy. But it didn't happen that way. He had gotten stuck in a situation, and he to respond. And now she was thinking. He had to wonder what that was. What was there to think about? The only thing he could figure was forgiveness. And he was seriously wondering if she would.

"Good morning." Mark said with a grin as he picked at his scrambled eggs.

"Morning." Derek growled loudly as he walked over and grabbed his coffee cup. Mark heard the pot clang loudly against his cup. And then he heard Derek place the pot back on the warmer roughly.

"What's wrong with you?" Mark asked as he looked over at Derek's irritated face.

"Nothing." Derek told him as he grabbed a bowl and spoon and placed it on the table.

"Okay." Mark said as he hid his face by the newspaper hiding from the uncomfortable silence.

"Sex." Derek finally grumbled.

"What?" Mark said as he dropped the paper on the table and looked up.

"Sex." Derek said as he slumped in the chair.

"Ah. Lack of sex." Mark said with a nod. "I wondered how long it would take for you to go off the deep end."

"What? What's that mean?" Derek said quickly. "Do you know something? Is she holding out on me?"

"Uh. I don't know." Mark said quickly. "Oh man. That sucks. See this is the problem with relationships. If I want sex... I grab a nurse. Or a chick from Joe's. You... You have to wait. The eternal wait..." Mark said as he dragged it out.

"Fuck you." Derek said in a huff.

"Why don't you just ask her?" Mark asked dumbly.

"For sex?" Derek asked as he looked up. Mark nodded his head yes. "Yeah. I already tried that."

"And?" Mark asked. "Not that I really want to know..."

"Nothing. It was like I didn't say anything. Like she didn't hear me." Derek said quickly.

"Are you sure she did heard you?" Mark asked with a shrug.

"She heard me." Derek told him as he took a spoonful of cereal from his bowl.

"Maybe she's not ready." Mark pointed out.

"Damn-it. You're right..." Derek said in disappointment. "It's not like she doesn't have enough on her plate... You know, with that asshole de Gaulle coming back."

"She decided to let him come back?" Mark asked as he looked across the table.

"What? You knew?" Derek asked in shock. "She told you that she going to let him stay?"

"Uh... No." Mark lied. "I overheard her talking to the chief."

"Oh." Derek said with a nod as he stood from the table. "You know I cannot believe her. I know she wants to be the bigger person... But that can only go so far. He is still an asshole."

"No kidding." Mark said with an agreeing nod.

"I didn't tell her. I almost told her about what he did. She doesn't know that he attacked her that night." Derek said quietly.

"Why didn't you tell her?" Mark asked with a puzzled look.

"That he thinks she killed our child. Yeah, that probably wouldn't affect her at all." Derek said sarcastically as he shook his head.

"Yeah. I guess you're right." Mark said with a nod.

"Oh, shit. I have to go." Derek said as he grabbed his bag and walked to the door. "See you later."

"Bye." Mark said as he watched the door shut. "Oh yeah... By the way, your wife knows about you and Meredith. I told her everything last night..." He said to himself as he sat there alone at the table.

----------------

"Weathers... Get down to the pit!" Meredith said loudly. "How many times have I told you?"

"Going." Justin Weathers said as he walked off.

"Carter... How is Jack David doing?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"The TAD? He's fine." Danny told her frankly.

"Good." Meredith replied. "Shepherd needs an intern. Are you interested?"

"Are you kidding? Weathers just got sent to the pit. Of course I'm interested." Danny said with a grin.

"Go find him. I think he's looking at the CT results." Meredith said with a smile.

"Okay." Mark said as he walked up and leaned against the nurses station. "You really need to fuck your boyfriend."

"What!" Meredith said as she looked up at him.

"He's in a serious slump. And he's taking it out on everyone. This isn't my thing... I don't get involved. But since you two can't seem to talk to each other... Just fuck his brains out tonight. Please. For us." He said with a grin as he motioned to all of the hospital staff.

"It hasn't been that long..." Meredith said as she thought. "Oh. Wow. It has..."

"Yeah." Mark said with a nod. "So I'm thinking I will go to Joe's tonight. Or take that hot little red head nurse to the Archfield."

"That one?" Meredith asked as she pointed to the nurse.

"That would be the one." Mark said with a nod.

"Don't waste the money." Meredith told him. "Take her to that seedy little motel, she'll be just as happy."

"You are so bad." Mark said as he shook his head in disbelief.

"I know." Meredith said with a nod.

"So should I make plans?" Mark asked quickly.

"Um. Yeah. Go ahead and make plans." Meredith said with a head shake. "Now I apparently have to schedule sex."

"You guys are getting old..." Mark said with a grin. "Oh. There was something else-" Mark started before the blare of her pager went off.

"Shit!" Meredith said as she looked down at her pager. "It's Jack Davis." She said as she ran off.

--------------------

"What's going on?" Meredith asked as she rushed into Jack's room.

"He coded. But he's stable now." Ellen Pierce said as she stood there.

"Shit." Meredith muttered as she looked over his chart. "Do and EKG, CT, x-ray, the full ride." Meredith said as she looked down at him. "Page me when you get the results."

"Okay, Dr. Grey." Ellen said as she watched Meredith walk out of the room.

Meredith yawned as she walked down the hall. She was exhausted. She had been paged at one in the morning and she had been at the hospital all night. She slowly walked towards the elevator. she was sure that the tests would take awhile, and maybe she could actually have a real lunch. She quickly walked onto the empty elevator as the doors opened. Just as they began to close she saw a hand reach in.

"Hey." Derek said with a smile as he stepped on.

"Hey." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up at him. "How is your day going?"

"Good." Derek answered as he looked over. "What about you?" He asked as he leaned in and kissed her softly.

"Okay, I guess. My patient coded. But he's stable..." Meredith said with a sigh. "What time are you off tonight?"

"Actually I have an appointment with the attorney today." Derek told her frankly.

"And you didn't tell me?" She said in shock. "I would have came. Oh... Unless it's for the divorce. Then it probably wouldn't be a good idea... Your wife. Your dirty mistress. and we're all supposed to be friends." Meredith said with a big sigh.

"You are not my dirty mistress." Derek said quickly. "Not even close."

"Well, it would be awkward anyway." Meredith said as she shook her head. The doors opened and they both stepped out

"She will find out." Derek said quickly.

"I know." Meredith agreed as they walked down the empty hallway.

"I'm not going to the attorney for that anyhow. It's for the suit that Adrien has against me." Derek said quickly.

"Oh." Meredith said sadly. "If it weren't for me, you wouldn't even be going..."

"This is not on you." Derek warned as they walked towards the cafeteria. "Oh... And I'll be home after the appointment. Around seven."

"Okay." Meredith said with a smile.

"Do you want me to bring something home for dinner?" Derek asked quickly.

"No." Meredith said with a smile. "Dinner is on me tonight."

"Sounds good." Derek said with a nod.

Meredith walked up to the line and grabbed a plate of chicken salad. Derek followed behind and grabbed a ham sandwich. It kept going through her mind how they could possibly eat lunch together. She was actually concerned about it. It was stupid. They were friends. Mark, Derek, Adrien, Kristy on she were all friends. Meredith sighed with relief as she saw Mark off by the wall with the red headed nurse.

"Hey." Meredith said as she walked up and plopped down.

"So I'll see you tonight." Mark said to the nurse as he pushed her out of the table.

"You are such a whore. An ungrateful whore at that." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"I know." Mark said with a cheesy grin.

"So I hope you don't have anything to do. Because you have to stay down here..." Meredith said quickly.

"Actually I have surgery in a few minutes. I was supposed to be up there by now." Mark said as he began to stand.

"You suck." Meredith said with a frown.

"No... That would be you, honey." Mark said with a laugh as he stood there.

"You bet your ass..." Meredith giggled as she stuck her tongue out.

"I asked for that." Mark said with a laugh as he walked away. Derek frowned as he watched Mark walk off.

"So Mark left." Derek said as he stood there.

"Sit down. You know... It's not like we are in high school. Besides, two doctors can have lunch." She said frankly as he sat.

"True. Very true." Derek said as he opened his sandwich.

"So what do you think is going to happen at the attorneys?" Meredith asked.

"I don't think it will be a problem." Derek said with a nod.

"Good." She answered as she took a bite of her chicken salad. "Um. I've been thinking..." Meredith said hesitantly.

"About?" Derek asked as he tipped his head.

"I think that after the divorce, youshouldmovein." She said quickly.

"What?" Derek asked as he looked at her in confusion. She looked at him and drew in a deep breath.

"You should move in..." She said as she exhaled. "When the divorce is final."

"Oh my... This is a big step for you." Derek said with a smile. "Although it's not as if I don't already live there."

"But your stuff doesn't. Maybe you shouldn't." She said as she took it back.

"Oh no. Too late. You offered. I'm moving in." He said with a grin.

"So you're moving in..." She said in disbelief. She frowned when her pager went off. "I have to go... I'll see you tonight."

"I'm moving in." He said to himself as he watched her walk off.

-----------------

Meredith climbed in her Jeep. She was exhausted. She had slept less than three hours in the last twenty four. Since she had been off because of the miscarriage, she had gotten weak. She had been fortunate enough to be working almost regular hours since she had been back. And last night's call had drained the life out of her. She smiled as she drove past the coffee shop. She quickly pulled her car and got a double shot of espresso. She was hoping that would do the trick. And if it didn't, she would just leave a note by her side, saying that Derek could just have his way with her.

Meredith began feeling refreshed after her espresso. She smiled at what she was going to do tonight. It was true, they had definitely been lacking in the sex department. And she had a lot to make up for. Meredith stopped at the Italian restaurant that she loved and grabbed some pasta and sauce. It wasn't as good as Derek's, but it would have to do.

Meredith sat in the chair, freshly bathed. She couldn't wait for him to come home. The sun had already crept beyond the horizon. The apartment was dark. And there she sat in the dark. In the nude. Wearing only stilettos.

Derek pulled into his spot next to Meredith's Jeep. He was happy. Unbelievably happy. The lawsuit with Adrien de Gaulle had been dropped. He didn't have enough proof of the supposed incidents. And it didn't help that Derek's attorney threatened a countersuit that would have them in court for a very, very long time.

Derek walked down the hallway. He wanted sex. But he loved Meredith enough to suffer in silence. He wouldn't say another work. He would let her be the one to say something. He slowly placed his key in the lock and pushed the door open. He squinted as he looked into the dark apartment.

"Mer..." He said as he looked in.

Derek quickly walked into the kitchen and flipped the light on. He saw bowls with sauce and pasta. He saw the bottle of wine chilling. He smiled as he walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. His eyes got wide as he saw her sitting in the leather chair.

"I hope you're hungry, Dr. Shepherd..." Meredith said seductively as she walked over. Derek smiled as she walked up to him in nothing but stilettos.

"Staving." Derek said as he pulled her close to him and pressed his lips against hers.

Meredith moaned as she felt his warm tongue delve deeply inside. Her tongue danced softly with his. She pulled away and Derek sucked on her bottom lip.

"You look amazing." Derek said as he ran his hands down her back and grabbed her firm ass. He started to pick her up before she stopped him.

"Ah. Ah. Ah." She said as she looked at him. "First we eat. I did say dinner was in me..."

"That you did." Derek said as he scooped her up and carried her to the kitchen table. He laid her on the table on her back.

Derek quickly grabbed the bowl of pasta and placed a forkful on her abdomen. He took a taste of the sweet sauce, making sure it wasn't too hot. Grabbing the spoon, he poured the sauce over the pasta and smiled.

"I think you need to take that shirt off..." She said with a smile as she looked up.

Derek quickly pulled his sweater off and fumbled with the buttons on his shirt. He had never seen anything so delicious in his life. There laid Meredith, covered in pasta and sauce, ready for him to eat off of her.

"You look delicious." Derek said with a grin and he leaned down and kissed her lips deeply.

Derek's mouth trailed down her neck, licking and nipping. He gently sucked on her collarbone, creating a nice, soft, red mark. Derek moved his mouth down, trailing his tongue down her soft breast. His tongue licked and flicked her erect nipple. He heard a faint moan escape her lips as he sucked hard.

"You need to eat your dinner, Derek. Or no dessert." She said with a smile.

"As you wish." Derek said as he moved down to her abdomen and began slurping the sauce off of her stomach. Meredith watched as he sucked the noodles into his mouth and smiled as her.

"Every bite." Meredith warned as she watched him eat. "Hurry up..." She moaned as she felt the fire burning inside of her.

"Oh no... You need to eat too." Derek told her as he sucked a noodle up and placed the dangling noodle in her open mouth. He let her pull him down until their lips met. Derek's mouth travelled back to her abdomen as he finished eating his meal.

"Finally..." She moaned as she pulled him down to her.

"Oh no... We need dessert." Derek said as he walked away. He quickly walked to the refrigerator and grabbed the pint of espresso chip ice cream and chocolate sauce.

"You are seriously not putting that on me." She said as she looked at him wide eyed.

"I seriously am." He said as he placed the spoon in the container. He took the cold spoon and rubbed it on her chest.

"Shit!" She moaned as he ran the ice cold spoon over her nipples, causing them to go erect.

"You like that?" He asked as he sucked it off of her body.

"Mmm..." She moaned as he drizzled chocolate sauce down her body and ran his tongue down the trail. "Oh..." She moaned as he spread her legs and covered her with chocolate.

"What do you want?" He asked as he hot breath grazed her. "Do you want this?" He asked as he ran his tongue over her wet slit.

"Oh God yes..." She cried as he flicked her clit with his tongue. "Oh... Shit..." She moaned as he quickened his pace. Her hands grasped the side of the table tightly as her body clamped down and she went into spasms. "Oh..." She moaned as he slurped her hot flowing juices.

"Mmmm... Now that is dessert." Derek said with a smile as he kissed her softly. "Let's go..." He said as he pulled her off the table and they scrambled to the shower. "My dirty girl needs a shower." He said as he flipped the hot water on and the steam poured out.

Meredith climbed into the hot water, leaving Derek to undress. Derek smiled when he walked into the steam, seeing the water running down her breasts and over her hips.

"You have been a dirty boy..." Meredith said into his ear as she nipped it.

"I have." Derek said with a nod.

"Yes you have." Meredith agreed as she began trailing kisses down his chest.

"Oh shit..." Derek said as his cock began to harden.

Meredith trailed kisses on his hip. She quickly dropped to her knees and began stroking him with her petite hand. She heard Derek gasp as she began massaging his balls while running her tongue down his ample shaft. Meredith rubbed her thumb over the head of his penis, smearing the droplets of pre-cum. Her broad tongue ran over his head as she placed him in her mouth. She felt Derek's hand grab the back of her head as he thrust into her. Her head began bobbing as his cock it the back of her throat.

"Oh... God... Mer..." He moaned as she increased her suction. "Fuck... I'm Coming..." He warned, as he grunted and released into her mouth. She moaned as she swallowed every last drop and licked him clean.

Meredith quickly rose to her feet and looked into his very satisfied eyes. Their bodies collided as Derek's tongue entered her mouth. Meredith ran her knee up his leg, their flesh sliding smoothly. She grazed his cock as she licked his chest. Derek sucked her neck as he turned her around and shoved her back against the wall. She quickly wrapped her legs around his waist as he pounded into her with force.

"Oh... God... Derek" She moaned loudly. It had been far too long. Her body was on high alert. She closed her eyes as she felt his length push and pull inside of her. "Harder, Der. Harder!" She shouted as he picked up his pace and pounded into her.

"Oh...God...Mer..." He shouted as he felt her walls begin to tighten around him. "Come for me... Come for me, baby..." He moaned as he slide in and out.

"Oh...I'm...I'm coming!" She shouted as she released her hot fluid around his thrusting penis. He slide harder and faster as he teetered on the edge. Derek felt her walls pulsate around him.

"Fuck..." He moaned as he shot his hot cum inside of her. Meredith moaned as his twitching penis threw her over the edge again. She clawed at his back as she cried out. Meredith went limp as she lost all muscle function. Derek closed his eyes and attempted to come down from his high.

"Oh god that was great." Meredith moaned as her feet hit the floor. She let the hot water cascade down her body. Derek stood in the water with his eyes closed. They both remained quiet as they tried to come down from the high that had taken them over. Finally Meredith flipped the water off and opened the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Derek asked as he followed her out. "Do you think we're done here?" Meredith looked up at him and opened the door.

"Oh no!" Derek said as he shook his head. She gave him a grin as she ran out and across the hallway. Derek tackled her down on the bed and held her down.

"Whatever will you do with me?" She asked innocently.

"Oh I can think of a thing or two..." Derek said as he grazed his hand over her mound.

"Oh no..." She said with a giggle.

"Get on your stomach." Derek demanded as he rolled off of her. She did quickly. "Hands and knees." She quickly rose to her hands and knees. She felt Derek's fingers enter her wet core. She could feel the head of his penis rubbing her gently.

"Fuck me, Derek!" She said loudly.

She felt Derek's thick hard cock enter her with force. She closed her eyes as he pushed and pulled himself in and out of her. She listened to the sound of their smacking flesh as his abdomen smacked her ass. She felt herself begin to sweat as the heat inside her grew. She heard Derek groan loudly into her back.

"Harder... Faster!" She yelled. She felt as he began to thrust harder and quicker. "Oh god...oh god..." She cried out as her body clenched.

"Fuck...I'm coming..." He shouted as the both released, Derek with a grunt and Meredith with a shout. Meredith collapsed from the weight and the both fell, their sweaty bodies laying against each other.

"That was... Thank you." Derek said as he pulled out and rolled onto his back.

"God I love you." She moaned as she crawled over and laid on his chest. She listened to his rapid heart beat. She finally spoke when it slowed to normal.

"How did it go?" Meredith asked.

"The attorney?" He asked as he ran his fingers through her wet hair.

"Yeah..." She said quietly.

"Adrien dropped the suit." Derek said with a smile.

"He did?" Meredith asked as she looked up into Derek's eyes. Derek nodded his head. "Good." She said with a nod as she dropped her head back down. Derek continued to run his fingers through her hair until they fell asleep.


	64. We Can Do This

Derek woke up with the sunlight in his eyes. He moaned as he rubbed his tired face. He should have been rested, but sleep didn't happen. Instead he fed the hunger that had been nagging at him for the past few weeks. And the hunger was fed over, and over again. As pleasureful as it was, he was sure he would be sore. He knew she had rode him until his balls were red and sore.

Derek's eyes fell to Meredith's naked body. She looked completely relaxed as she laid there. His eyes fell to her perfect breasts. Then they trailed down to her abdomen. A frown formed on his face as he looked at her scarred body. It broke his heart. He tried not to blame himself, but it was hard. He gently ran his fingers over the pink raised areas. Meredith shuddered and opened her eyes as she felt the ticklish sensation on her skin.

"Mmmm..." Meredith moaned as she opened her eyes.

"Good morning." Derek said as he kissed her softly.

"Good morning." Meredith returned as she kissed him back. "Were you tickling me?" She asked with a giggle as she looked at his hand.

"Maybe." He returned with a grin. His fingers continued to trace her skin. "We could talk to Mark, you know..."

"Talk to Mark about what?" She asked as she felt the heat inside her start to burn.

"The scars. I'm sure he could do some work on the scars... Make them less noticeable." Derek said as he cocked his head.

"What?" Meredith said as she quickly covered her body with the sheet. "I knew it." She said as her lip started to quiver.

"Knew what?" Derek said as he stroked her cheek. She quickly shoved his hand away.

"You can't even look at me." She said as she whimpered. "I'm ugly."

"Oh God... No, Mer... You are beautiful." Derek said with a smile as he cradled her face in his hands.

"No I'm not. I look like I've been filleted like a fish." She said as she looked away. "It's okay... I wouldn't want to see me either."

"Meredith!" Derek said loudly. "What are you thinking? You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I look at you, and you take my breath away. You can be in your scrubs, covered in blood, and I still lose my breath. Your body is perfection. Every morning I have to open my eyes as soon as I wake up. Just to make sure that you are really here with me... You are perfect." Derek said as he turned her head and kissed her.

"Then why would you say that?" She asked as a tear escaped from her eye.

"I didn't mean... I look at you, and the guilt takes over. I look at the scars, and I know they are there from me. You shouldn't have them. I think you are beautiful the way you are. But if you want Mark to work on them... I just want you to be happy." Derek said with a smile.

"It's not your fault." Meredith told him frankly. "And I don't care about them. As long as you love me, that's enough." She said as she leaned over and kissed him softly.

"Well, I love you more than you will ever know." Derek said as he kissed her.

"Plus it's an insurance policy." Meredith said with a giggle. Derek looked at her with a puzzled look. "As long as I'm scared up, I'm stuck with you."

"Oh..." Derek growled as he pulled her over onto himself. She felt his hard cock press against her abdomen.

"Are you sure you're up for another round?" She asked as she pecked a kiss on his chest.

"What the hell? I already know I won't be able to walk." Derek said with a laugh.

Meredith leaned down and kissed his lips softly. She teased his lips with her tongue as she parted them. Derek closed his eyes as she rubbed her tongue against hers. She could taste him as she pressed her tongue deeper. She pulled away breathlessly and sat up. Meredith reached her hand behind her as she grasped his erect penis in her hand.

"Oh..." Derek moaned as he felt her soft hand on him.

"Do you like that, honey?" She asked softly.

"Oh God yes." Derek said with an exuberant nod.

Meredith could feel the heat growing in her own body as she felt his hard member in her hand. She slowly stroked it up and down as she leaned back. Without looking, she rubbed the head of his cock, feeling the pre-cum at it's tip. She slowly ground her hips against his chest. Derek could feel her moist heat building.

"Please, Mer..." Derek begged as she continued to stroke. "I need to feel you. I want to be inside of you."

"Do you now?" She asked with a giggle.

"Oh... God..." He moaned as he felt his cock grow.

Meredith raised her body up and hovered over him. His thick, hard cock looked so inviting as she teased him. But teasing only goes so far when you want it yourself. She closed her eyes as she lowered herself down onto him slowly. She savored the feeling of his length penetrating her. She slowly began to rock her hips on him.

"Oh god, baby... Fuck... You feel so good... You're so wet." He moaned as he felt her heat around him.

"Oh, god, Der..." She shouted. She groaned loudly as she began to pound her body against his.

"Oh God..." Derek shouted as he looked up her her bouncing breasts. He placed his hands on them as she rose and fell onto his cock. "Fuck...I'm...coming..." He grunted as he felt himself ready to blow.

"Oh god...oh god...oh GOD!" She screamed as her body shook violently.

"Oh..." Derek moaned as he sprayed his hot cum inside her, spraying her walls. Meredith released her own hot fluid, and they mixed as she laid on his chest.

"Wow..." Meredith moaned as she climbed off of him.

"No shit." Derek said quickly. "I think you bring a whole new meaning to ball busting." He said with a chuckle as he pulled her close.

----------------

"So for the first time in forever, we have the same day off." Derek said with a smirk.

"It hasn't been that long." Meredith said with a giggle. "But that doesn't mean it hasn't been too long."

"So what do you want to do today?" Derek asked as he looked up from the newspaper.

"Whatever you want to do. I don't care." Meredith said with a tired voice.

"Are you tired, my dear?" Derek asked with a dirty smile.

"Yes. I am freaking exhausted." Meredith admitted with a nod.

"Me too." Derek said with a chuckle. "I know what we could do..."

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked up from her section of the newspaper. "Please don't say sex..."

"We could start moving my things." Derek said with a nod.

"Moving your things? As in moving your stuff here?" She asked. He nodded his head yes. "Oh no. We agreed, after the divorce. Not a day before."

"You're kidding right? I live here. I sleep here. The only time I go to my apartment is to get my mail. What is the difference between me practically living here, and actually? And what's the big deal? The divorce will be finalized soon." Derek said in a huff.

"Principle, Derek. That is the big deal. Married men don't move in with their mistresses." Meredith said as she threw her paper down.

"Damn-it, Meredith! You are not my mistress. You are the love of my life... Is it wrong for me to want to actually live here with you?" Derek asked loudly.

"Ugh... Whatever. But you can wait. You're lucky I don't kick your ass out of bed every night!" Meredith spat.

"You can't." Derek said smartly.

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked up. "And why can't I?"

"Well, you can't on the off chance that you might wake up in the middle of the night and want to ravage me..." He told her with a chuckle.

"You are incorrigible!" Meredith said in a huff. "It is you who ravages me. It is you who ravaged me this morning."

"I wasn't on top, honey." Derek said as he shook his head.

"Maybe you should go to the hospital. Maybe there are some bed pans you can change!" Meredith said as she marched to the bathroom.

"You know you love me." Derek yelled with a smirk. He felt his cellphone vibrate on his hip. He frowned when he looked at the screen. Claire Shepherd. Otherwise known as mom. He quickly sent it to voicemail.

It wasn't that he wanted to talk to her. It wasn't as if it was completely avoiding her. He just wasn't ready for her or the family to know about Meredith yet. He knew how they were. They would rush right in and want to see her. Meredith wasn't ready for that yet. She had too much happen to her in the last couple of months to have his crazy family rush in. Not to mention the divorce wasn't final yet. He would have to avoid. He would have to push her off. Just for awhile longer.

Derek pressed in his password and began to listen to the message.

"Derek... This is your mother. You know, the one that gave birth to you... I suffered through twelve hours of labor, and what do I get? I get a son who apparently has dropped off the face of the earth. I call your house and get the answering machine. Derek, you better call me back. Don't make me come out there..." Claire Shepherd warned.

"I definitely have to deal with this..." Derek muttered as he hung up the phone.

Derek sat there and picked his newspaper back up. Claire would have to wait until he was free of Meredith. Derek's eyes went wide and his heart stopped as Meredith's home phone rang. Claire. Claire got the phone number. Derek jumped up from his chair and ran towards the phone. Meredith looked up at him as she walked down the hallway. She had never seen him go so fast.

"What's going on?" She asked in confusion as she looked up.

"Hello?" Derek answered the phone nervously.

"Derek? It's Richard. Is Meredith there?" Richard asked.

"Oh. Richard..." Derek said with relief. "Uh, yeah. Mer's right here." Derek told him as he handed the phone to her. Meredith glared at him as she grabbed the phone. She looked over at Derek and walked over to the chair. Derek took that as his signal to sneak out to the balcony. He sat at the table and dialed his mom's number.

"Derek Michael!" Claire said as she answered her phone. "You are in so much trouble!"

"Hey, mom." Derek said with a sigh.

"Where have you been? I have called over and over." She said in a huff.

"I'm sorry... I have been so busy. I transfered from Mercy-West to Seattle Grace. The cases have been coming in non-stop. I barely leave the place." Derek explained.

"You transfered? Why did you transfer?" Claire questioned.

"Seattle Grace is a better hospital." Derek told her. "More state of the art."

"Oh. Well that's good, son. How is Kristy?" She asked happily.

"Um. Kristy... She's great. Busy." Derek said with a nod.

"I see. So you guys are working yourselves to death... That isn't very healthy. I guess I should not be expecting grandchildren any time soon." Claire said with disappointment.

"Will you ever stop with that?" Derek said quickly.

"Oh son... You would make an excellent father. I know she's not Meredith... But-" Claire said sadly.

"I really need to go. But I love you. And I am fine." Derek told her.

"Oh son... I'm sorry." Claire said, regretting bringing up her name.

"Goodbye, mother." Derek said quickly as he hung up.

Derek sat there in the chair and looked at the gray skies. He wanted to tell her. But not yet. She would just have to wait. He waited fourteen years. She could wait a few more months. He looked up as he heard the french door open.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as Meredith stepped outside.

"Well. I just agreed to have dinner with Richard tonight. Well, us. We are having dinner with Richard tonight." Meredith said with a frown.

"Mer... I can't have dinner with your mother." Derek warned.

"No. Not my mother! Do you- Do you honestly think I could have dinner with that crazy bitch?" Meredith asked in disbelief.

"I- I hoped not. But Richard- By himself... How? Ellis wouldn't approve of that." Derek said in confusion.

"Why does that matter? She has no say over him." Meredith said quickly.

"Meredith, she has always had control over him." Derek told her frankly.

"Not anymore." Meredith stated matter-of-factly. "Derek, they're getting divorced..."

"What? You didn't tell me. How long have you known?" Derek asked in shock.

"Since- Well, the day. _That _day." Meredith said sadly. "She- Richard asked her for a divorce because of the baby. The baby that she- You know." She said with a frown.

"Oh, Mer. That was what she said to you... That's what got you so upset." Derek said as it clicked. "Well, at least the man finally smartened up."

"No kidding." Meredith said as she sat down next to him. "I can do this, right? I mean I forgave him... But it's still hard." Meredith said sadly.

"I don't know if you can do this... But _we_ can." Derek said as he squeezed her hand.

**I really don't have anything to say... :) You can review... That would be great! DL and BB comment here and on The Docks because they are freaking wonderful!**

**Oh, and my new fic is started, but I don't have enough time to get it over here yet. If anyone is interested, it's on Grey's McBoard and The Docks. It's called Forbidden.**


	65. Forgiving

Meredith stood in front of her large mirror. She wanted this to work. She wanted this to be the way it used to be. Before the accident. Back when Richard was her father, and she was his little girl. Richard had always been good to her. Never once in her life did she feel like he wasn't there when she needed him. Not until the day when she found out the truth. Not until the day she found out that they gave up on her.

The anger started to boil as the recent memories came back into the light. They gave up on her. They lied to Derek. They lied to her. They changed the course of many lives. They took out many in their path of destruction. They had no regard for anyone else. She quickly dropped her brush on the table as turned to Derek.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked as he looked at her in shock.

"I'm not going. We're not going." She said frankly as she started to pull her knee length midnight blue dress off.

"Mer... Mer!" Derek said as he walked over to her. "Stop." He said as he pulled the straps back up. "What is going on?"

"I can't. I can't do this. I can't go there. I just can't." She said with a huff.

"We can..." Derek said as he cradled her face with his hands.

"No. No. Maybe you can. But I'm not strong enough." She said with a frown. "They let me die, Derek..."

"Meredith... They did. You're right. But at the same time, they did what they thought was best. You can't fault them for that." Derek said as he rubbed her shoulder.

"What?" She said in shock as she pulled away. "How can you side with them?"

"I'm not. I'm not saying what they did was right. I had faith. I thought you would make it. But the doctors, the reports, everything was pointing to letting you go. Ellis was selfish. But she was also realistic when it came to what the facts were. Richard was apprehensive. I'm not saying it was okay... But he is your dad. You love him. And you would feel better if you forgave him..." Derek said with a sigh. Meredith swallowed hard as she looked at the floor.

"So we should forgive Ellis too." Meredith said angrily.

"That's different, Meredith." Derek said as he tipped her chin. "You don't have to. No one is making you. But I think you would feel better." He said as he kissed her softly. She nodded her head slightly and walked back over to the mirror.

Meredith looked at Derek in the mirror. A faint smile played on her face as she watched him straightening his tie. She was so lucky to have him. He was supportive no matter what. Anything she did. Anything she said. He supported her. She sat her brush on the table and turned around.

"Are you ready?" Meredith asked as she walked over to him.

"I am." Derek said with a nod. "And I have to say you are the most gorgeous woman in the world." He told her as he pulled her close and kissed her softly.

"You aren't so bad yourself." Meredith said with a giggle as she slipped on her shoes.

------------------------

Meredith and Derek sat down at the table. They were early. Derek wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. It gave her more time to worry. More time to think about how she could escape the situation. He smiled ay her softly as she sat there. He could see the panic on her face.

"It will be fine, Mer." Derek told her as he grabbed her hand.

"Okay." She said as she drew in a deep breath and nodded her head.

"Derek, Meredith..." Richard said with a smile as he stood up. "How are you tonight?" He asked as he shook Derek's hand.

"I'm great." Derek said with a nod.

"Mer... How are you?" Richard asked as he gave her a slight hug. "And how is my grandchild?" Richard asked and he placed his hand on her stomach. "Ten weeks... You are still a string bean..." He said with a chuckle.

Meredith's face dropped as she looked into Richard's dark eyes. She felt the nausea coming quick. She felt the room caving in of her. She was going to be crushed. It felt like the world was ending. She felt like everything was over. Her face turned sour as she felt the tears begin to prick her eyes. She looked up at Derek and quickly rushed off towards the restroom.

"Did I say something wrong?" Richard asked as concern came over him.

"Mer miscarried. Two weeks ago." Derek explained.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I had no idea!" Richard said sadly.

"I need to- I'll be right back." Derek said as he rushed towards the restrooms.

He slowly pushed the door open and stepped in. He could hear her soft whimpering in the last bathroom stall. It broke his heart. She was doing better. And now she was right back where she started. A woman stepped out and looked at him in shock. He looked up at her and shook his head.

"Sir, are you aware that this is the ladies room?" She asked in shock.

"She needs me." Derek said as her pointed. He quickly walked down to the last stall. "Mer..." He said softly as he tapped the door. "Please open up." He heard the lock click.

"I'm sorry..." She cried as she looked up at him.

"Oh honey, don't be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong." Derek said as he pulled her close.

"I want to be okay. I was okay... I just- It upset me." She said as she cried into his chest.

"I know." Derek said as he stroked her back.

"I know that he didn't do it on purpose." She said quickly. "I thought he knew. I wondered why he didn't come see me..."

"It's okay. I'm here." He said softly into her ear. "I'm here for you." She laid against his chest and listened to his heart beat.

"I'm okay." She told him as she breathed deeply.

"You're okay..." He said as he kissed her head. Meredith stood up and walked over to the sink. "This is why I don't wear makeup." She said as she looked at her face. She grabbed a paper towel and started rubbing it off. "I can do this." She said with a nod as she grabbed her hand and they walked out.

"I'm so sorry, Meredith." Richard said as they walked up and sat down. "I didn't know... Why didn't you call me?" Richard said as he looked up at Derek. Derek just looked back at him. "I guess I deserved that." Richard said with a nod.

"I ordered a bottle of wine for the table." Derek said as he dropped the conversation.

"Great." Richard said with a nod as he studied the menu.

They all stayed quiet as they pretended to to read their menus. All had decided what they wanted the minute they opened it. But all had also decided to pretend that they were lost in it. It was an escape for a horribly uncomfortable situation. Everyone felt a sinking feeling as the waitress walked up for the third time, and took their orders. Now there was no hiding.

"So Richard, how are things going for you?" Derek asked, finally breaking the silence.

"Fine." Richard said with a nod.

"Interesting... Now I know where Meredith gets that from." Derek said with a smirk.

"What's that?" Richard asked as he looked up.

"Fine. Also known as Meredith's famous last words." Derek said with a faint chuckle.

"How are things?" Meredith asked with a concerned look. "With my- With Ellis..."

"They are- The attorney has drawn up the papers. And Ellis was served." Richard said with frown.

"Where are you staying?" Meredith asked as she looked over the table.

"The Archfield. Until I find a place..." Richard said quickly.

"You're looking for a place..." Derek said with a smirk. Meredith looked up at him and shook her head.

"Don't even think about it!" Meredith spat. "I told you." She warned.

"I will be moving from my apartment soon..." Derek said as he looked at Meredith. "It's a block down from Mer's..."

"Oh really?" Richard said with interest.

"As soon as my divorce is finalized." Derek emphasized.

"I may be interested." Richard said with a smile.

"After the divorce." Meredith said with a clenched jaw. "And not a day before!"

"We can schedule a time for you to check it out." Derek pointed out.

"Sounds good. I never thought I'd be looking for a place." Richard said as he shook his head.

"I'm sorry. I never thought that I could cause this much trouble." Meredith said softly.

"You?" Richard said in shock. "You listen to me... Your mother has been pushing me for a long time. You haven't done anything. I've seen her true colors. I thought she would change. I thought I could look past her faults. It just took me a long time to realize I couldn't. This is not your fault!" He said as he squeezed her hand. "I could never blame you... You're my little girl." He told her with a smile.

Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. It was time to forgive. He had taken part in causing the most pain she had ever felt. But in her heart, she knew that he was truly sorry for what had happened to her. So she took a deep breath and decided it was time to for her to forgive. And it that moment, she did. And she never imagined it would feel so good.

-------------

The dinner went well. Meredith felt so much better about life. So much better about the whole situation. They all engaged in normal everyday conversation. They discussed things that normal people discuss. It was without hatred. Without a bit of animosity. It was good.

Derek grabbed Meredith's hand as they walked to the car. He gently squeezed her hand. A smile grew on his face as he felt her petite hand squeeze back. Nothing was said as they walked in a perfect silence. He walked her to the passenger side of the car and opened her door.

"So how do you feel?" Derek asked when he climbed into the Denali.

"I feel... Good. I feel good." She said with a nod and a smile.

"Good." Derek said with a smile as he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "So, are you ready to go home?" Derek asked as he started the car.

"I feel good... But I don't feel that good." She said with a soft giggle.

"So what do you want to do?" Derek asked as he looked over at her. "Maybe you need some ice cream? Comfort food."

"We can do that at home." Meredith said as she shook her head. "Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of tequila."

"Oh." Derek said with a nod. "I thought things went good." Derek said with confusion.

"Things did go good. But I still need tequila." Meredith said with a happy nod. "It's a happy tequila time."

"Happy tequila it is." He said with a chuckle as he drove the familiar path towards Joe's.

"So... I think he's actually sorry." Meredith said with a smile.

"He is." Derek said with and agreeing nod. "You know, I never- I always liked Richard. I never thought that he could do that."

"I know." Meredith said with a smile. "He was a good dad... Until he wasn't." Meredith said with a frown.

"He does love you." Derek pointed out.

"That's more than my mom." Meredith said as she glance out the window.

"Your mom loves you. She just loves you in a different way." Derek said as he squeezed her hand.

"In a completely dysfunctional, abnormal, freakish sort of way." Meredith said with a chuckle.

"Exactly." Derek said with a laugh.

"But I don't need her. I have you." Meredith said as she looked over at him. "You were my first. And you will be my last." She said frankly as they drove along. "And you are seriously not moving in until after that divorce!" She reminded him.

"And I thought I was being slick." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Not so much." Meredith said with a giggle.

"Ah yes... It is you who is slick..." Derek said as he rubbed her leg. She felt his hand slide under her dress.

"Mmmmm." She moaned as she felt him teasing her panties. His fingers slide over her moist slit.

"Very slick." Derek said as he ran his hand up and down her.

"Oh..." She moaned as he flicked her clit.

"Yep, slick." He said as he withdrew his hand.

"You ass!" She spat as she kit him on the arm.

"We're here." He said with a grin as he turned the car off.

"What the hell was that?" She asked.

"That was me being cruel." He said as he opened his door and stepped out.

"I will get you for that." Meredith said as they walked to the door.

"I was kind of hoping you would." He said with a smirk as he opened the door. Meredith looked around the busy bar. They looked slightly out of place as they walked in. She quickly made her way to a table while Derek went to the bar.

"Your tequila..." He said with a smile.

"Thank you." She said as he sat down next to her. "I knew I kept you around for something."

"You couldn't get rid of me. You died... And here I am. You couldn't get rid of me." He said with a chuckle as he leaned in and kissed her. Meredith placed her hand on his head and pulled him closer as their tongues danced.

They pulled away breathlessly with smiles on their faces. Meredith slammed her shot back with a grin. Her stomach jumped into her throat as she looked up. Her whole body started to sweat as panic set in. There was no lying her way out of this one. Derek looked at her panicked face and then up at what had her attention. They both held their breath as they looked at Kristy walking towards them.


	66. They Could Do This

The wheels began to spin in Meredith's head. How could she got out of this? Surely there was a way. A lie. A fib. There had to be. There had to be something. She could blame it on Derek. She could say he seduced her. But she couldn't do that. She would never lie like that. She felt sicker as Kristy neared. She knew. She had obviously seen Meredith and Derek in a passionate lip lock. It was all over. She was ready to stand in front of the firing squad. She felt Derek's hand squeeze hers. At least they'd die together.

"Shit." Meredith muttered as she looked up.

"Hey guys." Kristy said softly as she walked towards them, closing the space in.

Meredith studied her face. It was a mixture of pain and regret. She didn't look like she was out for a fight. She didn't look like she was out for blood. She looked somewhat relaxed. Genuine. She always seemed genuine. Derek looked at her in shock, not saying a word.

"Um... Hey" Meredith said nervously. [_i Thanks for leaving me hanging...ass![/i_

"Hi, Kristy..." Derek said slowly. [_iIs that better? What exactly do you expect me to say?[/i_

"Can I join you? Do you mind if I sit?" She asked as she motioned to the chair in front of them.

"Uh... Sure." Meredith responded quietly. _[i Anything. You could say anything. Half of this is your problem. Maybe more. You are the married one.[/i_

"So how are you?" Derek asked as he looked across the table at her. [i_Oh yeah...put it on me...[/i_

"Oh please, Derek. You never did care how I was..." Kristy said not angrily, just sadly.

"I always cared." Derek clarified. "In three years, I never set out to hurt you. I was miserable. But I did the best I could."

"Why didn't you guys just tell me?" She asked as she began to tear up. "If you had just told me... Mark. I found out from Mark." She said as she shook her head.

"I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you." Meredith told her as she began to cry. "I didn't want to hurt you..."

"We were all friends. And I trusted you both. I had a feeling. I did. But I ignored it. That first day, at the house. I knew. But I looked the other way." Kristy said as the tears fell.

"I'm sorry, Kris." Derek said as he shook his head.

"We did try. I tried. I wasn't going to tell you. I wasn't going to talk to him. I was just going to move on. But things snowballed and that was it. It took over. And I wanted to tell you. And the longer I waited, the worse I knew it would be. And now I'm just like my mom..." She said as she started to bawl.

"Mer... Calm down..." Derek said as he kissed her temple. "You are not your mother..."

"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, Derek. I wanted to fix you. And now you are. Meredith fixed you. I was angry for a long time. I went to Texas to think. But at the end of the day, I loved you both. And I'm happy. I'm not really happy... But I'm okay. If this is what makes you happy..." Kristy said as she swallowed the lump in her throat. "At the end of the day, I just want my friends." She said with a faint smile.

"What?" Meredith said in shock as she looked up.

"I want to have what we had." Kristy said softly.

"You don't want to kill me?" Meredith asked in shock.

"What? I would never... I was upset... But I can't be mad. You had him first. Hell, you died. I was just keeping him alive. I did the chest compressions until you came back to save him. You brought him back from the dead." She said as she reached for Meredith's hand. "Fourteen years is a long time. But I can see that it hasn't made a difference. He loves you just as much."

"Kristy... I'm... Wow." Derek told her in shock.

"And for the record... You were right. I have never been happier." Kristy told him with a smile. "I love you. But we're not meant to be. We never were."

"Thank you." Derek said with a nod.

"This is going to be weird." Meredith said as she looked up.

"Yeah. It is. But I think we can do it." Kristy said with a smile. She felt someone come up from behind and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Are we okay here?" Mark asked as he approached the table.

"We are." Kristy said with a nod.

"Well then let me get a round for the table." Mark said happily as he marched off to the bar.

"He likes you." Meredith said with a smile. "A lot..."

"He does." Derek agreed. "I think you may be able to tame the world's biggest man whore."

"Mark isn't a man whore!" Kristy laughed.

"Oh dear." Derek said as he shook his head.

"I have known him for a long time, Kris. You do need to accept it. He is a man whore..." Meredith said with a giggle. "But I do think you can fix him..." That was the magic word. Mark needed to be fixed.

"I just... It's not weird?" Kristy asked, almost worried about their feelings.

"Well, considering your best friend is now with your husband... I would say no..." Derek said with a chuckle.

"You have a point!" Kristy laughed.

"I'm going to go to the restroom." Derek said with a smile. Meredith looked at him with concern.

"I won't bite you, Mer." Kristy said with a giggle as she saw the look. Meredith watched as Derek walked away. "He really does love you. I see it. Everyone sees it. The day you-" She hesitated. "The day you lost the baby. I saw him with you. That was when I knew. I had never seen him that way."

"I just- You will never know how much I regret all of this." Meredith said sadly.

"Don't be. We're all okay. We all survived." Kristy laughed. Both men walked back to the table with their drinks. "So you two met at Mark's party?" Kristy asked.

"You don't want to-" Meredith said, trying to avoid and uncomfortable situation.

"I do. Tell me!" Kristy pried.

"Well... I went with my boyfriend. Then I caught him upstairs with another girl. He saw me, and chased me downstairs. I told Der to hide me. What does he do? Kisses me..." Meredith giggled.

"It was a good kiss." Derek said with a nod.

"It was..." She agreed as she thought back. "And it was all downhill from there." Meredith said with a laugh as Derek leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

Kristy watched them. In three years, Derek had never voluntarily showed her any affection. He had never said "I love you" out of the blue. And here he was, with Meredith. He looked at her like she was the only one in the world. It was bittersweet. It stung that she couldn't do that to him. But at the same time, she was happy to see him no longer miserable. She looked at them both. They could do this. They could be friends.

"So tell me, how does one stay dead for fourteen years? Because there are definitely some people I would like to pull that trick on!" Kristy said with a smile. They all laughed. They could do this.

-----------------

"So that went good." Derek said with a smile as they walked to the car.

"Yeah." Meredith said in disbelief. "Too good."

"Kristy is... She isn't a bad person. She was being genuine tonight." Derek said with a nod as he opened her door.

"I guess she's- Well, she is pretty amazing." Meredith said as she climbed into the car.

She would never admit it. But it was true. She was just the smallest. Just the tiniest bit jealous. Not of the relationship between Derek and Kristy. She knew there was no relationship between the two of them. No that wasn't what she was jealous of. She was jealous that Kristy could be such a great person. She had forgiven them. Meredith had to struggle to forgive Richard. And she didn't see herself forgiving Ellis anytime soon. So that was why she was jealous. Kristy was truly the bigger, better person.

"What's wrong?" Derek finally asked after several minutes of silence.

"What- Oh, nothing." Meredith replied as she looked over at Derek.

"Something s wrong. Big things happened tonight, and you are over there, sitting silent." Derek pointed out.

"Yeah. It's just a lot to absorb right now." Meredith explained as she glanced back out of the window.

"Yeah, it is." He agreed as he turned down their road. "Are you unhappy?"

"Unhappy? No. I'm happy." Meredith responded softly.

"Is is not the same anymore?" Derek asked as he pulled into the parking area.

"What do you mean, not the same?" She asked as she glanced up.

"Without the fear of being caught..." He pointed out.

"Are you kidding me?" She asked as she looked up. "That was not exciting. That was a never ending roller coaster ride. That was hell. So now..."

"Now the fun starts..." He said with a grin.

"I supposed it does." Meredith said with a smile.

"So... I was thinking..." Derek started as they walked towards the apartment.

"You were thinking? Crap." She said with a grin.

"Funny." Derek said dryly. "I was thinking that we should gohomeforthanksgiving."

"Uh... What?" She asked as she pushed her door open.

"We should- I want to go home for thanksgiving. To New Jersey." He said with a deep breath.

"Um. To your house? Like to your Mom's?" She asked in a panic.

"My mom? She is your mom too. My mom loves you." Derek said happily.

"Loved me, Derek. I died. And now I broke up your marriage. I broke up a marriage that she arranged and supported." Meredith pointed out.

"Mer. You don't understand. Mom loves you. She will be elated." Derek said happily.

"She will be elated. She will be elated when her only son comes home to see her on her favorite holiday. Alone." She told him frankly as she walked out of the room.

"You say that now!" He said loudly.

"You are too confident." She shouted back. "It's the confident ones that fall on their asses!"

"I don't understand." Derek said as he watched her peel her dress off.

"Nothing to understand." Meredith replied as she walked past him in her underwear and walked into the bathroom. "I am not going. I am not going to a place where she was. I am not." She said loudly as she flipped the shower on.

"What?" Derek said in confusion as he peeled his own clothes off.

"God. I get it. Im just- I'm not that kind of person and I never will be." She said as she opened the shower door.

"What the hell are you talking about!" Derek said loudly as he opened the door.

"Don't come in here. Not right now." Meredith said as she pushed him back and shut the door.

"What?" Derek said, shocked with her attitude change. "I need a shower too..."

"Oh. You need a shower right now? Right this minute?" She spat through the closed door.

"I do." Derek said as he opened the door and walked in.

"There is another shower." She said loudly.

"I am not using that damn thing." Derek said as he stood under the water. "Mark is right, it's too small."

"Damn it!" Meredith said as she shoved him.

"I think you are losing your mind." He said as he shook his head.

"Losing my mind!" She said as she hit him in the arm. "I will show you losing my mind!"

"Or you have a brain tumor." Derek said with a sad nod.

"Oh yes..." Meredith said angrily as she clenched her jaw. "Fine!" She shouted as she shoved him up against the wall.

"What the-" Derek said before Meredith viciously covered his mouth with hers. Derek's eyes got wide as she sucked an his mouth. He pulled back quickly as she bit his lip.

"Fuck!" Derek yelled as he put his hand up to his mouth and saw the blood.

"You better fuck me now." She said as she grabbed his hard cock and began pumping.

"Shit, Mer..." Derek said as she pressed against him.

"Now." She said loudly.

Derek quickly pulled her leg up on his shoulder. With one quick motion, he thrust into hard. Purposely hard. She wanted it. And he was going to give it to her. She whimpered as he pounded into her, throwing her back against the wall. Meredith's mouth moved to his shoulder and clamped down. Derek could feel her teeth piercing his flesh and he hit her over and over again. She closed her eyes and bit down again and her walls clamped down around his thick cock and sent her over the edge. Derek groaned as her hot walls pulsated around him. He finally released with a grunt, shooting his hot cum deep inside.

"Oh God..." He moaned as she dropped her leg to the floor.

He watched as she quickly began washing her body. She soaped up her hair and began rinsing. Derek's gaze fell on her as the shampoo ran down her body. She completely ignored him as he watched.

"So... Uh... Was it good?" Derek asked as as he looked at her.

"Yeah, it was good." Meredith said in a monotone voice.

"Okay, seriously... What the hell is wrong? I can't help if I don't fucking know." He said loudly.

"I'm not her!" Meredith yelled.

"Not who?" Derek asked.

"Kristy! I'm not going to your mother's. They met Kristy. I love her. She is fucking great. Fucking perfect. And what am I? I'm not her. How can they love me once they knew her? How can you love me? She is perfect. And she is forgiving. And I'm not perfect. And I am not forgiving. I have hate. I'm angry. And I'm sad. And I'm broken. And I am not perfect." She cried loudly.

"You're right. You are not perfect. And that is why I love you. And I love you even more because you know it." Derek said as he pulled her close. "No one is perfect."

"I'm sorry, Der. I don't know why- I think I am losing my mind..." She trailed off.

"You're not losing your mind, Mer. You are just under a lot of stress." He said as he kissed her softly. "Let's go to bed." He said with a nod.

"Okay." Meredith said with a nod as he pulled her into their bedroom. "Let's go to bed..." She said as she laid down and felt his arms wrap around her.

They were going to bed. Meredith had acted irrationally. Emotionally unstable. She was acting crazy. And foolish. Abnormal even for her. Even for the situation. Then it clicked. Derek knew one thing for sure. He wasn't going to wake up next to Meredith. He was going to wake up next to Lola.


	67. Lola

Derek stirred the scrambled eggs in the pan. He thought it wise to get out of the bed before Meredith woke up. He wanted things to be ideal. He needed ideal at the moment. Anything to keep the craziness to a minimum. He heard their bedroom door creep open. He used his peripheral vision to see her walk to the bathroom. The door clicked as she shut it.

"Shit..." She said loudly after a few minutes.

Derek dropped his head. His fears were just confirmed. No one knew how bad she got. She was horrible. She was hateful. She hated everyone and herself. This was going to be one hell of a week. Otherwise known as the week from hell.

"Morning honey." He said as she finally stumbled out of the bathroom.

"Eh." She muttered as she walked to the coffee pot.

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he placed the plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of her.

"Yeah, I guess." She said with a sigh.

"How do you feel?" Derek asked as he rubbed her back.

"Like I'm dying inside." She moaned as she forked her eggs.

"I'm sorry, baby." Derek told her softly. "What time do you have to be in?"

"Soon." Meredith said quietly as she ate her eggs.

"I have surgery at eight." Derek told her. "I'm going to take a shower..." He said as he walked off.

He looked back at her, sitting in a daze. The shower was his solace, but he felt bad avoiding her, so he made it as quick as possible. Derek came out of the shower and stepped into their bedroom. Meredith was standing there pulling on her jeans.

"They don't fucking fit." She said as she fumbled with the zipper.

"Do you want to ride together?" Derek asked as he began pulling on his own clothes.

"Yeah. Whatever." She said as she pulled her jeans as tightly as possible and they finally zipped. "I'm on-call tonight."

"Oh..." Derek said with wide eyes.

"What? What is that?" She asked as she pointed at him.

"Nothing." He said quickly.

"It doesn't look like nothing. I can't be on-call, is that it?" Meredith said loudly.

"No. I just- With you being- It's that time of the- It won't be- Nothing." He finally resorted to as he dropped his head.

"Oh. I see... Because I am a bitch." She grumbled. "I think I'll drive myself." She said as she stormed out of the bedroom and out to the living room. As Derek stood there buttoning his shirt, he heard the door slam loudly. She was gone.

-----------------

Meredith sat on the locker room bench. It was bad. It was always bad. But lately it had been worse than ever. Before she got pregnant, her periods were bad. But now, after the pregnancy, she felt like she was dying. She felt like there was necrosis inside. She looked around the room, seeing it empty. She pulled her knees up to her chest and rocked back and forth, losing track of time.

"Dr. Grey?" Dina Eastman said as she peeked her head into the locker room.

"Oh! I'm coming." Meredith said as she quickly jumped up.

"Are you okay?" Dina asked as Meredith rushed to the door.

"I'm fine." She said as she opened the door and walked out.

"Okay... Carter is already with Shepherd... Weathers, you take the pit. Pierce, you re-write the post op notes that I couldn't read. Mather, now this is really important..." Meredith said, drawing him in.

"Okay..." Kent said as he leaned in.

"I need you to get me a hot fudge sundae. But I only want half the ice cream, the rest hot fudge." Meredith said with a nod. "No cherry, no whipped cream."

"What? Are you kidding me?" Kent asked in shock. "Eight years of school and you want me to fetch?"

"That's what I said. Make it quick." Meredith said with an evil grin as she walked away.

"What do you want me to do?" Dina asked as she looked up at Meredith.

"I want you to prep our patient in 3535." Meredith told her as she walked away.

Meredith walked up to the nurses station and began looking through a chart. Her hand moved to her abdomen. The cramps were bad. Her stomach was killing her. And her legs ached. She felt like she couldn't stand anymore. She just wanted to curl up and die.

"So last night went well." Mark said as he walked up.

"Yeah." Meredith moaned loudly.

"What's wrong?" Mark asked as he looked at her.

"Nothing, Mark! I say yeah, and there is something wrong?" She snapped as she looked up.

"Oh no." Mark said as he backed away.

"What?" Meredith said loudly.

"She's back. Lola's back." He said, feigning fear.

"Don't call me that!" Meredith said loudly.

"Oh man..." Mark said with a smirk as he continued to back away. "I'm going to get a room at the Archfield."

"You do that!" She yelled after him. Meredith walked over to the hallway and grabbed a chair as she pretended to read the chart. She was really just finding a way to deal.

"Here you go, Dr. Grey." Kent said as he handed her the sundae.

"Oh... Thank you!" She said with a grin as she grabbed it. She collected a spoonful of fudge as placed it in her mouth. "Mmmm." She moaned as she closed her eyes. "Wait. This has vanilla ice cream."

"You didn't say. I figured with the hot fudge..." Kent said quickly. "Too much chocolate..."

"You figured? No. You don't figure." Meredith said quickly. "At least you remembered the hot fudge." She huffed as she rolled her eyes.

"So where do you want me?" Kent asked as he looked down at her.

"Where ever. Just get out of here." She said as she waved him away. "Go to Sloan." She yelled. "Drive him crazy..." She laid her head back and continued to spoon the chocolate-y mixture into her mouth.

"I'm sorry." Derek said as he sat down and put his hand on her leg.

"It's not you. You know that." She replied with a sigh. "I can't control myself. My emotions are all over the place."

"You can't help it." Derek told her as he kissed her temple.

"Well, we have the apartment to ourselves for the week." Meredith said with a giggle.

"You ran Mark off..." Derek said as he shook his head.

"I did." Meredith said with a nod. "I kinda feel bad about it... Na, not really. Aren't you supposed to be in surgery?"

"I am." Derek said with a nod. "But I wanted to see you first."

"We're good. You can go." She said with a smile.

"Lunch." He said as he rubbed her head and walked off.

Meredith glanced down at her watch. She was supposed to be in surgery five minutes ago. But she didn't care. Because five minutes ago she had been eating her hot fudge sundae. Five minutes ago she was recovering from her latest menstral freak-out. She slowly rose to her feet and threw the chocolate covered plastic cup in the trash.

She looked in the operating room. It was apparent that everyone was waiting on her. She gave them a fake apologetic look, and began washing her hands. She wasn't sorry. She was too bitchy to be sorry for anything. She walked into the operating room with her hands up.

"Okay, everyone. Let's do this." She said as she stood there while the scrub nurse gloved her.

Meredith made her first cut as Dina watched. She was able to push out the pain in her abdomen as she began to focus on her patient. It was an anerysm. The man was just thirty years old and he had an abdominal anerysm.

"Are you feeling okay, Dr. Grey... In the locker room you looked very uncomfortable." Dina said with concern.

"I feel fine, Dr. Eastman." Meredith said with a nod. "I just have monster periods." She finally admitted.

"Oh. Say no more. I know exactly how you feel." Dina said with an understanding nod.

"It's not a pleasant thing. And seriously, how can this be? Twenty-five percent of my life is hell." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"Don't feel bad... My boyfriend says that twenty-five percent of his life is hell!" Dina said with a giggle.

"That just about sums it up." Meredith said with a smile.

"Have you tired a different birth control?" Dina asked.

"Nothing else agrees with me." Meredith said with a shrug.

"Oh, I see." Dina said with a smile.

The surgery was uneventful. By the end, Meredith was beginning to notice her aching legs. They were back with full force. She asked Dina to close for her as she stepped away. She needed to move. Meredith looked up at the clock in the scrub room. Lunch. She told Derek she would be there. She quickly washed her hands and walked out.

--------------

"I talked to my attorney." Kristy said quickly.

"Oh." Derek said as he glanced up at her.

"I'm ready to settle. We just need to get this over. It's time..." She said softly.

"It is time." Derek agreed as he forked his salad,

"You can have it all." She said frankly.

"What? No! I already told you it was yours too." Derek said as he looked up at her.

"You paid for it. You worked for it. You at least get half." Kristy said quickly.

"No. You can have the house. The house is yours." Derek said with a smile.

"I don't want it. I just want to move on." Kristy told him.

"We will sell it." Derek told her.

"That sounds like a plan..." Derek agreed.

"Well, I will have my attorney call yours." She said happily. "Oh look, there's Meredith." Kristy said as she pointed to the doorway.

Meredith walked into the busy cafeteria. She spotted Derek, Mark and Kristy at a table in the middle. She loved Kristy. She thought it was great that they were all going to remain friends. But right now, she wasn't in the mood. She thought about turning around and walking out, but she decided not to. She decided to stay. To grin and bear it. She walked up into the line and grabbed a roast beef sandwich. That was the straw...

"What do you mean you don't have mayonnaise?" Meredith yelled loudly, everyone looking.

"Oh my god. What's wrong with Mer?" Kristy asked as she looked up.

"Lola." Mark and Derek both said quickly as they looked up.

"What kind of cafeteria doesn't have mayonnaise?" She shouted. "What the fuck do I put on my sandwich?" The worker looked up at her and started talking, but no one could hear him. "Salad Dressing? No. That isn't even an option. I want mayonnaise."

"Oh my god... She is making a fool of herself." Kristy said in shock.

Derek quickly rose from the table. He had to save her. Even if saving her meant he could lose one or several limbs. He crept through the line and put his arm around her back.

"Come on, Mer." Derek said as he walked her to their table.

"I just want mayonnaise." She said as she cried.

"What do you want? What kind of sandwich?" Derek asked as he stroked her cheek.

"Roast beef." She whimpered as she sat at the table.

"You stay right here." He said as he rushed off.

"Are you okay, Mer?" Kristy asked. Mark gave her a look, and ran his hand across his throat.

"Why wouldn't I be? What did I do now?" Meredith asked as she sat there.

They all remained there in silence. Kristy and Mark were afraid to talk about anything. They knew that no matter what they said, she would fly off the handle. They looked up with relief as Derek walked up holding a bag and a drink. He had obviously went to the deli across the street.

"Thank you." She said with a smile as she pulled out her roast beef sandwich. She also pulled out the extra containers of mayonnaise.

"That's a triple thick chocolate shake." Derek said as he pointed to the cup.

"Thank you, Derek." She said with a smile.

"Anything for you." Derek said as he kissed her cheek.

"Well, I need to get back to work." Mark said as he stood.

"Me too." Kristy said with a nod as she stood. The both walked away from the table as quickly as they could. "Wow" Kristy said in shock.

"Yeah. That's Lola." Mark said frankly.

"Lola's a bitch." Kristy pointed out. "And I can't believe he went and got her a sandwich."

"He loves her. That Is Derek. He knows... He learned early. Whatever Lola wants. Lola gets." He said with a chuckle as they went their separate ways.

**The return of Lola, Mer's pre-menstrual alternate personality. :)**


	68. Hard And Fast

"Dr. Wright, do you think you could take care of my interns for the rest of the day?" Meredith asked as she walked up to her fellow resident.

"I think I could manage that." Kevin said with a nod. "Is everything okay?"

"I'm just not feeling great." She said quietly. "Carter is in the pit, Eastman is with Daniels, Pierce is with Sloan, Weathers is with Shepherd, and Mather is doing post-op notes."

"Well, it looks like they have everything covered." He said with a smile as he looked up from his chart.

"They can pretty much take care of themselves." Meredith said with a nod. "Thanks a lot."

Meredith marched to the locker room. All she wanted was a hot bath and a warm bed. And to pray for sleep. She slowly changed from her scrubs to her street clothes. She looked at the small calendar on the inside of her locker. There was a red x through Monday. Monday was going to be a fun day. Monday was when Adrien was scheduled to return.

She was worried about it. She shouldn't be. She was sure that Bailey wasn't going to let anything happen to her. As she drove down the road she seriously wondered if she made the right decision. In her attempt to be the bigger person, she wondered if she sabotaged herself.

She was happy to walk into her apartment. It was quiet. Mark was in surgery by now, and most likely so was Derek. Mark had actually stayed away from home for the last several days. Part of it was because of Meredith. He had always done that. But another big part of it was that he wanted to be a whore and that was so much easier when you had a hotel room and the hotel bar to hand out at.

As Meredith laid back in warm bath water. She needed some time to relieve the stress that was already starting to build. Derek had told her days ago that Kristy was going through with the divorce and she was being more than generous. It was a relief, but at the same time, it just made Kristy an even bigger, even more fabulous person.

So now Meredith had that on her mind. Derek would be getting divorced. It would be final. And then he would be moving in. Actually moving all of his things in. Moving into her space. Pushing and moving her things out of the way for his. And then there was Mark who lived in the room next door. It wouldn't change anything. How could it possible change anything when they already lived together. It wouldn't. But it did feel like a big step. She had thought so long and hard about the possibility of her life actually moving on. Of the perfection that was meant to be. And then she gave up. For fourteen years she gave up. And now it was just starting to begin. And she wasn't sure how to feel.

---------------

Derek threw his scrub cap in the laundry bin. He hadn't seen Meredith all day. He didn't see her name on the board. Her interns were running around doing their jobs, but yet, she wasn't around. He scrubbed his hands and looked up at the clock. Just in time for lunch.

"Dr. Mather, have you seen Dr. Grey?" Derek asked as he walked down the hallway.

"Nope. I bet she's in the cafeteria." Kent said as he kept walking by.

"Thanks." Derek said as he turned around and walked towards the elevator.

"Hello, Dr. Shepherd." Ellen Pierce said as Derek stepped onto the empty elevator with her.

"Dr. Pierce." Derek replied as he punched his floor button. He could feel her gaze on him as he looked at the floor.

"So... I was wondering if you were going to Joe's tonight?" Ellen asked as she glanced over at him.

"Excuse me?" Derek said as he looked over at her.

"Well, I thought that maybe if you were..." Ellen trailed off.

"I'm not." Derek said, sharply.

"Well, maybe you would want to? And if not tonight, some other night? Maybe I could buy you a drink..." Ellen said softly.

"You do realize this is very inappropriate, right?" Derek said frankly.

"Oh, I-" Ellen started before getting cut off by Derek.

"And even of it wasn't, I am in a relationship." He told her quickly. "And if I weren't in a relationship, you aren't my type. No offense." Derek said as the doors opened and he walked off.

Ellen stood there in a stunned silence. It stung. He wasn't rude. He was just matter of fact about it. Like there was no chance. Maybe it was true. Maybe he was running around with that tramp Meredith Grey. She felt a wave of anger rush over her. Who did he think he was?

Derek looked around the cafeteria. He didn't see Meredith anywhere. She didn't have a reason to be in their secret hiding place anymore. They had pretty much outted themselves to anyone who wasn't legally blind. He walked up and grabbed a sandwich before sitting down at a table.

"Hey man." Mark said as he sat down next to Derek.

"Hey." Derek said as he looked up. "Have you seen Mer?"

"Oh, yeah. I mean, no, I haven't seen her. I heard from a nurse that she went home sick." Mark said as he forked his salad.

"Went home sick? She didn't even tell me..." Derek said sadly.

"Well, you know... Lola." Mark said with a snicker.

"It's not funny. It's hard on her." Derek said quickly. "She's nasty, but she doesn't talk about it. She holds it in and then snaps."

"Are you kidding? She totally has you wrapped around her finger..." Mark said as he shook his head. "Not that it's anything new."

"It's not normal. It's never been this bad. I wonder if something is wrong... The cramps-" Derek started.

"Whoa! Whoa there! No. I'm not talking about your girlfriend's, practically my little sister's, menstrual whatever... No. I draw the line there." Mark said as he threw his hands up.

"I just worry." Derek said with a sigh.

"Well, the worst has already happened. She died. So I think you're good." Mark said with a chuckle.

"I think I'm going to call and check up on her." Derek said as he pulled out his phone.

"Mmmm." Meredith moaned as she picked up the phone. "Sleeping."

"Hey..." Derek said softly.

"Sleeping." Meredith said again.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked quietly.

"Good, but a little tired." She told him in a whisper. "Recovering."

"Well, I have to round on my patients then I will come home. Do you need me to stop and get anything?" He asked.

"No. Just you. All of you." She said happily. "I just want you... Here. With me. In bed."

"I think I can do that." Derek said with a smile. "I'll be home in awhile."

"Okay." She said as she hung up the phone.

"So?" Mark asked as Derek slid his phone in his pocket.

"Well, Lola has left town. And she left a very horny Meredith." Derek said with a grin.

"So that means I'll have to stay another night at the Archfield..." Mark said quickly.

"Oh no, you can come home." Derek said happily.

"So I can listen to the never ending, headboard banging sex?" Mark asked.

"You know, you don't have to listen..." Derek said with a smirk.

--------------------

"Mer?" Derek said as he walked through the front door.

"Hey." She said softly. Derek followed her voice and spotted her laying on her back on the sofa.

"How are you feeling?" He asked as he walked over to her and kissed her softly.

"Good." She said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her.

"Apparently very good." Derek said as he placed his right knee over her to steady himself.

"Yes..." She said as she kissed him deeply. "Good... Very good."

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he pulled himself up.

"Not for food." Meredith said with a grin.

"Well, I am hungry. For food." Derek said as he walked to the kitchen.

"Seriously?" She whined in shock as she followed him.

"I am." Derek said with a shrug.

"Are you teasing me?" Meredith asked, as she watched him rummage through the refrigerator.

"Nope." He replied with a shrug. "We need cheese."

"Derek!" Meredith said loudly.

"Hmm?" He asked without looking up. "I like provolone on my sandwiches. And maybe some gouda for wine. I like gouda. We could go to that-" He started before she interrupted.

"Hey!" She spat loudly. "I want sex, and you want gouda?"

"I guess I could have a sandwich. No, I can't. No provolone..." He said with a shrug.

Meredith walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around him. He felt her begin to undo the buttons on his deep blue shirt.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he looked over.

"I am ravaging you." She said as she continued her masterful work.

"Ravaging me, huh?" He asked as he continued.

"Oh yes..." She said as she slipped his shirt off of him. "Put your arms up." She said as she played at the hem of his white tee shirt. He did as she said and lifted his arms. He felt her warm hands caress his chest as she laid against him. "Don't you want me?' She whispered sadly into his ear.

"Mmmm." He moaned, teasing her. He had already known the minute he got off the phone with her at lunch that there would be sex tonight. "Eh."

"Maybe I can do something about that." She said as she released her grip. Derek could hear her pulling off her top. He looked down to see it and her bra laying by his feet. "Do you like this?" She asked as she rubbed her hard nipples on his back.

"I don't know..." He said smoothly.

"I may have more tricks... Don't turn around." She said softly as she slowly pulled her jeans and panties off. Her arm wrapped around him and she undid his zipper and button, sliding his boxers and jeans off in one motion.

"I think you are attacking me." Derek said with a smirk.

"I think I am." She replied as she ran her tongue down his shoulder, and sucked hard. "Oh, Derek... You are such a bad boy." She said as her hands ran down him and grazed his thick cock. "You're my big... Make that very big boy." She said as she grasped his penis with one hand, and his balls with the other.

"But don't think you are that lucky." She said as she released him. "I need to worry about myself first..." She warned as she placed her foot on the table and began stroking herself gently. She placed two fingers deep inside and and pumped. Meredith pulled her glistening fingers out and held them in front of his face. "See what you do to me?" She asked. "Now I want you to taste it."

Derek's mouth eagerly lunged forward, drawing her wet fingers in. The moment he tasted her sweet cum, was the moment his cock began to beg for her. He sucked her delicate fingers until he removed every drop of her essence. He began to turn around.

"Ah, ah, ah!" She warned as she stopped him. "I am not done."

Meredith's mouth ran down Derek's well muscled back. Her tongue played and tasted his sweet flesh. As she travelled down, her hands ran over his perfect ass. Her mouth stopped on his right cheek and she bit down hard.

"You make me so wet, baby." She moaned as she stood and wrapped a leg around him. He could feel her wet pussy rubbing against him as she pulled him close. "And I just want to fuck you..." She said as she licked his ear. "But if you would rather eat..." She teased as she pulled away.

"Oh no!" Derek said as he spun around and grabbed her. "You need to be fucked." He said as he grabbed her and pushed her towards the countertop. "You need to be fucked hard. You better hold on." He said as he pushed her hands on the counter and bent her over. "And you better not move." He warned as he spread her legs with his feet.

Derek took a page from her book and ran his tongue down her back. He travelled down to her tight little ass. Before he knew it, he was on his knees, staring at her wet little pussy. He smiled as he looked at the moist pink folds, begging for his entrance. He leaned forward and ran his tongue over her wet slit. His lips pursed as he began to suck on her clit.

"Oh... God..." She moaned as she felt the sensations taking over her body.

"You like that baby?" He as as he quit.

"You better not stop!" She warned as she backed up to him.

Meredith felt his tongue start to work on her moist folds again. He flicked her clit over and over again as she moaned. He felt her begin to quiver as he continued to suck on her.

"Oh God!" She shouted as her body tensed up and she flooded his mouth. He continued to suck until he licked her clean. She laid her face down on the cold countertop as the waves washed her over and over.

"Do you want it?" Derek warned as he rubbed the head of his hard cock against her warm opening.

"I do." She said as she nodded her head exuberantly.

"How bad?" He teased as his cock continued to rub against her. It was begging him. He may be teasing, but he wanted it just as much. If not more.

"Bad." She moaned as she pushed herself towards him. She felt his cock slide in slightly.

"Hold on." He warned. He quickly pounded into her. He balls slammed against her as she moaned.

"Oh..." Meredith moaned as he pulled and pushed, pushed and pulled. His thick mass slid in and out of her with ease. She worked with him as she moved her body. "Harder..."

"Harder." Derek agreed as he slammed into her, her body taking the brunt of the assault. "You are so tight..."

"Is it good?" Derek asked loudly.

"Oh... Oh..." Meredith moaned as she felt his length sliding in and out.

"Is it good?" He asked her again.

"Oh, God... It's... It's...goo- It's gouda!" She shouted.

"I knew I liked that cheese..." He moaned.

"Oh God... I'm coming, Derek." She shouted. "Harder, harder... Don't stop now!"

"Oh God, Mer... Oh God..." He yelled as he pumped harder and harder. He could feel the beads of sweat forming on her perfect body.

"Oh..." She moaned as she released. Her hot walls clamped down around his cock, sending him over the edge. He shot his seeds deep inside of her with a grunt. Neither heard the key in the door. Or the handle turn. Or the door swing open.

"Oh God!" Mark said loudly as he looked in.

"What?" Meredith said as she looked up. "Oh God!" She said as she looked at him with wide eyes.

"And I was whining abut the headboard. I have to eat in this kitchen." Mark said as he turned and faced the wall.

"Well, we just ate. And man was it good." Derek said as he pulled himself out of her and smacked her ass hard.

"Derek!" She shouted.

"Come on, baby. I'm not done with you." Derek said as he swooped her up and carried her into the bedroom. "Now the headboard banging begins!" Derek shouted before closing the door.

**We needed suss, right? And does anyone notice what the next chapter is? 69!**


	69. Fifteen

Derek watched Meredith all morning. He had made that a routine. He could tell how she was feeling, just by how she got out of bed. He knew every morning she had some pain in her back. And he could almost tell of it was raining but the way she rolled in discomfort. If the weather was ideal, she could sit up. And after rough sex, she was feeling it. But this morning was different. She rolled out. But that wasn't it. This morning she was almost silent. She didn't say a word. Not like she was being rude or nasty. She was just quiet.

They sat across from each other at the table. She ate her bagel and he ate his muesli. They both read their sections of paper. Derek didn't want to say anything. He didn't want to upset her. He was going to let it ride for awhile. He wanted to see if she would come out of her shell.

"What is wrong with you?" Derek asked as they drove down the road in his Denali.

"Hmm... Oh, nothing." She said softly as she continued to look out the window.

"Okay. But I am here. If you need to talk." He said as he rubbed her hand.

"Okay." She said as she nodded her head.

Meredith looked over at Derek. He really was that perfect guy. The guy who cared about your feelings. The guy that opened the door for you. The one that thought about you first. He was always there, and yet she never cashed in her points. She never poured her troubles on him. She never showed him that she knew he was there.

"Okay." Meredith said again as she looked over. "Why me?"

"Why you?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"I mean... Kristy is great. She really is perfect. She is the perfect woman. The perfect wife. She would be the perfect mother. And yet here you are, sitting next to me. A messy woman full of personal turmoil and pain." Meredith said honestly.

"Because I love you. And I can't stop. I don't want to stop. Because you stir your coffee three times in the morning. Because you smell so damn good. Because I like to lay awake at night and listen to your snoring because I went without it for fourteen years. Because you walk around with things in your hair and don't even notice. Because you will eat a donut and not whine about your ass being to big. Because I love the way you moan when we make love. Because you are flawed. And I love every single one of your flaws." Derek explained as he looked into her eyes.

"Oh...Derek." She said as she wiped a tear away. She closed her eyes and squeezed his hand. "You don't expect me to counter that with my own because speech, right?" She giggled.

"No. Because you are Meredith. And I am me. And we don't have enough time for you to list all of the becauses that would pertain to me." He said with a chuckle.

"And you are an arrogant ass." Meredith said as she slapped his arm playfully.

"And you love it." He said with a smirk. "But that isn't the only thing on your mind, is it?"

"No." She said as she drew in a deep sigh. "Adrien is coming back today."

"Oh." Derek said solemnly.

He didn't want to say too much. He didn't agree with it. There was no question there. He hated the man. He hoped he suffered. He secretly hoped that every morning was a new bad experience. He could cut himself shaving. Step in a mud puddle. Burn his mouth on his coffee. Have bacon grease splatter his face. Yes, Derek hated that man. But Meredith made the choice. And she asked for his support. And he had to give it.

"And I- I was the bigger person. I made it possible for him to come back. Because I wasn't going to let him ruin my career and take away any possibilities for me to further my knowledge. I didn't want Seattle Grace to lose him. And I was the better person and looked past it all. But at the same time, all I can think about is what he has said to me." Meredith said with a sigh.

"I'm sorry that you even had to have that decision on you." Derek said as he rubbed circles on her hand.

"I didn't. But I did. Bailey more or less told me that if I didn't say yes, he was gone." Meredith said with a sigh. "So no matter what, it was on me. And in my heart, I know that he is a good person. I guess he just snapped."

"Well, Bailey had to watch out for a lawsuit, too." Derek pointed out. He quickly stopped himself. He didn't want to tell her about the incident in her room. "But nonetheless, I am here. Mark is here. And I'm sure even Kristy is here. And we are all always waiting if you need us."

"I know." Meredith said with a smile. "Damn that feels good."

"What's that?" Derek asked quickly.

"Getting that off my chest." She said with a sigh.

"I have been telling you that for years." Derek said with a smirk as they pulled into the parking lot.

"Here goes nothing." Meredith said with a sigh as she opened her door.

---------------

Meredith walked into the hospital with her hand in Derek's. She wasn't sure what to expect. The worst case scenario? If Adrien did what he already had. If he yelled at her, and called her names. Maybe he would grab her arm. That was about the worst he had done. Or so she thought. The best case was what she was hoping for. To her, the best case was to be strictly professional. Talk about work and pretend that nothing else had ever happened. She didn't know what to expect. But she was hoping for the best.

"Everything will be okay." Derek said as he leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I hope so." She replied as she drew in a deep breath. "Have a good day."

"I will." He responded. "And so will you."

"I'm glad someone is optimistic." She said with a faint smile as she opened the locker room door.

She could feel the other resident's eyes on her as she walked in. Everyone knew that Adrien was returning today. And everyone also knew about what happened. So they were all waiting for a reaction. They were waiting for Meredith Grey to freak out. And why wouldn't she? She was the resident who had two attendings. She was the resident who got pregnant and had two men claiming to be the father. She made two world renowned surgeons fight for her. They were waiting for something. And she said nothing.

"So... You and Shepherd?" Justin True said as he looked over at her.

"Excuse me?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"It just looks like you are moving your way through the attendings." Justin said quickly.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Meredith asked as she tied her scrub pants.

"Exactly what I said. You are making your way through the attendings." Justin spat. "De Gaulle, then Shepherd."

"Well... If you think that sleeping with an attending changes anything, you are seriously mistaken. Especially when we aren't even in the same specialty. And if you don't believe me... Than maybe you need to find an attending to fuck." She said frankly.

"Whoa." Justin said, taken aback.

"Well, you need to keep your mouth shut when you have no idea what you're talking about." Meredith went on.

"Can you answer one question?" Just asked as he looked at her.

"Like I can stop you." She mumbled as she pulled her shoes on.

"How does Shepherd's wife feel about all of this?" He said smartly.

"She loves it." Meredith said with a smirk as she walked off.

She knew that wasn't the last time she was going to have to defend herself. Everyone in the hospital was judging her. And none of them had the right to judge. They didn't know her past. They didn't know about she and Derek. The didn't know anything. And she didn't feel it necessary to tell them.

"Okay guys... Time for rounds." Meredith said as she threw open the locker room door and looked around. "Where are my interns?" Meredith asked as she looked in.

"I don't know." Another intern said as she looked up.

"Oh... They are-" She started as she walked away. "Has anyone seen my worthless interns?"

"I saw them go down the hall." A nurse said as she pointed.

Meredith walked down the hall. All of them. Five. Missing. They all went the same direction. This was trouble. She knew this was trouble. She marched down the hall. They weren't in the locker room. They didn't come to her. They were late for rounds. The anger started to rise as she walked on. She was definitely in the torturing mood now. She spotted the group standing outside of a patient's room.

"What the hell are you doing?" She yelled loudly as she marched up.

"Oh. Um- Uh-" They all stammered as they stepped away from the door.

"What's going on?" She asked as she looked in the door.

"He has a-" Ellen said before she began to blush.

"What?" Meredith said angrily. Dina began to giggle. "Someone answer me."

"The dude has a big di- Er... penis." Danny said quickly.

"So." Meredith said with a shrug.

"Very big." Kent said quickly.

"Fifteen." Justing blurted out.

"Fifteen?" Meredith said, taken aback. "Fifteen inches?" She asked quickly looked in the window. "No way..."

"Yep." Weathers said with a nod.

"Get his chart." Meredith said with an exuberant nod. Danny quickly jogged off, bringing back the chart. Meredith grabbed it and flipped it open. "Holy shit..." She said as she read. "He's here for an SRS. Why would you- That is just an insult."

"Interesting?" Mark said with a grin as he walked up.

"Are you kidding me? Fifteen... Can I see it?" She asked with a grin. "Can I?"

"Aren't you cardio?" He asked with a chuckle.

"How could you not tell me about this?" She asked in a huff. "I thought you were my friend..." She whined.

"Well... I was going to. But you were a little...busy last night." He said with raised brows. "And thanks for that, but the way."

"No problem." Meredith said with a smirk She looked over at her interns, who seemed very interested in what she was talking about. "Go away." She spat. They slowly walked to the side. "But seriously... I want to see this."

"This is plastics, honey." Mark said quickly.

"But there is ample blood supply. Especially with a-- Wow. I can't imagine. Fifteen..." She said as her mind drifted off.

"You couldn't handle it. Quit fantasizing." He told her quickly.

"I guess you're right... I mean Derek is-" Meredith started.

"Whoa there! I don't want to hear that. I saw enough last night." He said frankly. "I do need a resident, though. But this is not your specialty. You need to clear it with Santos..."

"de Gaulle." Meredith said with a clenched jaw. "Damn it..."

-----------------

Meredith took her interns through rounds. After assigning everyone, she decided to look through her own schedule. She had absolutely nothing on the board. Adrien didn't have anything either. This was actually a good thing. That made the chances of her getting in on Mark's sexual reassignment surgery much greater. She looked down the hall, seeing Adrien at the end, looking at the board. She had to do this. She had to just get it over with.

"Dr. de Gaulle?" Meredith said as she walked up quietly.

"Meredith... You know you can call me Adrien." Adrien said as Meredith approached. "How are you?" He asked softly.

"Fine, Dr. de Gaulle." Meredith responded nervously.

"Meredith, I know that you are part of the reason I am back. And I just want to say I am-" Adrien started as he looked into her eyes.

"No. Let's just get this over with." She said frankly. "You and I are colleagues. If we could keep everything strictly professional, I would appreciate that, Dr. de Gaulle. I don't want to talk about anything."

"I-" Adrien started.

"And I need a favor. Dr. Sloan has an SRS that he needs a resident for. The other residents are on cases. I have nothing on the board and I would appreciate it if you allowed me to scrub in on that." Meredith said quickly.

"Okay." He said with a nod. "And I-"

"Thank you." She said as she took a breath and walked away.

Adrien stood there in shock. He felt almost sick. He had ruined a good thing. He loved her. He still loves her. And he pushed her away. And the he hurt her. He ruined everything. He lost his love. And to make it worse. He ruined all possibility of a friendship.

Meredith felt somewhat better as she walked away from him. She laid in on the line. She was frank. She didn't pretend that things were okay. She let him know that they most definitely were not. But she also let him know that there were okay, as long as it was professional.

"Okay." Meredith said with a smirk as she walked up. "I am your resident. Your intern. Whatever. I just want to see this thing." She said with a grin.

"de Gaulle okayed you? How did that go?" Mark asked.

"I really don't want to talk about it." Meredith said frankly.

"Hmm..." Mark replied.

"I'm your intern. What do you need?" Meredith asked.

"What about your interns?" Mark asked as he looked up from the patient's chart.

"Do you actually think I would let them in on something this good?" She said with a smirk.

--------------

"Why would you- I just don't get it." Meredith said as she shook her head and looked down at the patient.

"He wants to be a woman." Mark said simply.

"Does he not know how many women want this?" She said with a grin. "He wouldn't even have to work very hard."

"You do realize you are like my sister, right?" Mark said as he looked up at her. "And I can't listen to this."

"Your sister... Really?" Meredith said with a grin. "Well, your sister likes penises." She laughed.

"You have to remember... He is like my brother." Mark pointed out.

"Okay. Your sister likes a penis. One penis. But she still wants to see this. She wants to see freakishly long penises." Meredith said with an exuberant nod. "I do have to say, it is slightly pencil like." She laughed as she cocked her head.

"Meredith... You have got to stop." Mark said as he shook his head. "I am cutting this man's penis off. I can't listen to this."

"Hey, you are the one in plastics... I can't help it if you like cutting penises off." Meredith muttered. "But this pencil thing... I don't know. I like some girth."

"Oh God." Mark muttered.

"What do you think?" She asked a scrub nurse.

"I have to agree with you." The scrub nurse replied with a smile.

"See." Meredith said with a giggle. "She agrees." Meredith stayed silent for awhile. "I don't know... Maybe if it is that long, the girth wouldn't matter." She said with a sigh. "I would hate to have to deep throat that thing. Nine and a half is-"

"Out!" Mark said loudly.

"What?" Meredith said in shock.

"You have to go." Mark said quickly. "I can't concentrate. And for me, that never happens. So you have to get out."

"Mark." Meredith whined.

"Nope. Out." Mark said again.

"Fine." She grumbled. "Oh, yeah... Sex on the dining room table." Meredith said with an evil grin.

"What?" Mark said as his head shot up.

"Oh yeah." She laughed as she walked out. "And it was..." She said as the door shut.

Meredith was satisfied. Even if she didn't get to stay there for the whole surgery, she saw it. That was all she needed. Just to see it. She happily scrubbed her hands and dried them. As she walked out the door, she spotted Derek.

"Is it true?" He asked.

"It is." Meredith said with a smirk. "But I'll tell you a secret... I would much rather have what I've got."

"Hmm... And I just may have to give that to you." He said with a smile.

"And I just might have to take it." She said happily. "Right now..." She said as she grabbed his hand. She quickly rushed them into the supply closet.

Meredith fell back against the door as it shut. Their tongues meshed. Sliding. Slipping. Pressing. Tasting. It was erotic. It was full of need. He heard her moan softly as he bit her bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth as he tasted her sweetness. They both heard soemone banging on the door.

"Damn it!" She muttered.

"Look I know someone is in there. I just need elastikon." A nurse said loudly. Meredith rolled her eyes and booked on the shelf. She grabbed a three inch, a four and a five. She cranked the door open and handed it off. "Thanks." The nurse said. Derek looked at her in shock.

"Now where were we? Oh yeah, I want you." She said frankly. She she ran her hands down his crotch.

"What do you want?" He asked, dragging it out of her.

"I want you to fuck me. I want to feel that thick hard cock pulsate inside of me." She moaned as her dark eyes looked into his.

"Thick, huh?" He asked as he pushed her against the other wall, devouring her neck. He felt her fumble at his drawstring. She pulled his scrub pants down swiftly and then did her own.

"Oh yes. So thick." She said as she looked at him.

"Mmm." He muttered as he ran her hand down her ass and squeezed.

"Fuck me..." She moaned as he shoved her against the wall. She wrapped one of her long legs around him, resting it on his ass. He looked down at her and smiled before thrusting deep inside.

"You are tight..." He said with a smile. "And wet..." He said in shock.

"Only for you, baby." She moaned into his shoulder. She bit down on him, leaving teeth marks.

"Oh god..." He moaned as she moved her hips, countering his movement.

"Harder... Derek, I need it harder..." She moaned as she pushed into him. She banged loudly against the door. He smiled as he drove into her as hard as he could.

"Oh god...oh god...fuck...Derek!!" She cried.

"Shit...Oh god Mer...fuck." He moaned as he squeezed her ass with his hands.

"Ohhhh..." She moaned as she tightened around her, releasing hot fluid around him.

"Oh god..." He moaned as he released. He could feel her clamping and releasing around him. "Oh..." He felt her pull away, her foot hitting the floor.

"Thank you." She said with a dirty grin as she quickly pulled her pants on.

"No...thank you." He said softly.

"I have to go." She said with a smile as she pecked him on the cheek.

"Love you." He said as the door shut. He looked down, spotting her tiny red thong on the floor. He laughed as he picked it up and shoved it in his pocket. A good luck charm.

**Reviews are welcome!!**


	70. Boom

Two weeks had passed since Adrien returned to Seattle Grace. Meredith and Adrien had managed to be civil. Well, not really civil. He tried to talk, she refused to listen. She either avoided him, or cut him off and walked away. She had a feeling he wanted to apologize. And she just wasn't ready to forgive him.

"So... Thanksgiving?" Derek said as he sat down at the lunch table next to Meredith, Mark and Kristy.

"Don't, Derek. Don't you dare pull that shit. I know what you are up to." Meredith said as she looked up at him.

"What?" Kristy asked as she looked up at Meredith.

"See, he does this all the time. I say no to something, and then he tries to bully me by pressuring me in front of people." Meredith said as she looked up. "Don't ask me."

"Meredith... It's my mom." Derek said quickly. "She might not live forever."

"She will not live forever. No one does, Derek!" She said as she shook her head.

"Funny." He said, not amused. "She isn't getting any younger..." He said, giving her a fake pout.

"The pouting was cute ten years ago..." Meredith told him as she shook her head.

"Why don't you want to go to New Jersey?" Kristy asked with confusion. "Derek never asked me..."

"Kris... Now is not the time to go there." Derek said as he frantically shook his head.

"I'm not ready for the family holiday thing. Because his sisters are freaks. And I'm not ready for them." She said in a huff.

"My sisters are not- Okay, they are... But-" Derek said with a frown.

"They will ask questions and cry and hug. I can't do that." She said quickly. "Not right now. And pressuring me is selfish, Derek."

"We have time." He replied with a nod. "I can keep working on you."

"I love your optimism, baby." Meredith replied as she leaned over and kissed him.

"So... Do you guys want to go out to dinner someday this week?" Kristy asked as she looked up at them.

"That would be fun." Derek said with a nod.

"We could do that." Meredith agreed with a smile.

"So de Gaulle seems to be on his best behavior." Mark pointed out, out of the blue.

"He hasn't been anything but civil to me." Derek said with a shrug. "But that doesn't mean I trust that asshole."

"Maybe he was just having trouble." Kristy said with a shrug. "You never know..."

"Um...I have to go." Meredith said as she picked up her sandwich and walked away. "I'll see you later..."

"What's going on with her?" Mark said as he looked up.

"She doesn't like to talk about Adrien." Derek said with a sigh. "You shouldn't have brought it up." He said with irritation.

"Can you blame her?" Kristy asked.

"I guess not." Mark said with a frown. "He was far more than cruel."

Meredith walked quickly out of the cafeteria. She couldn't understand why everyone had to talk about it. Why couldn't they just let it go? Everywhere she turned was Adrien. Wanting to talk. Wanting to be friendly. And everyone she talked to asked her how he was acting towards her. Couldn't they just let it go?

Meredith stuck her hand in the elevator door as it started to shut. Her faint smile turned to a frown where she saw Adrien standing there. Meredith drew in a deep breath as she stepped on. Confined space with a man she loathed. Now that was a bad thing.

"Meredith." Adrien said as she stood at the front of the elevator.

"Dr. de Gaulle." Meredith said curtly.

"Meredith... Please call me Adrien." He asked softly. "I need you to- I need to say I'm sorry. I need to tell you that."

"Are you kidding me?" She said as she wheeled around and glared at him. "You tortured me. You tortured me..." She said simply as she spun back around. "Fuck!" She yelled as the elevator came to a jerking halt. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."

"I'm sorry. I didn't- I'm so sorry..." He said as he looked at her back.

"Sorry... Sorry doesn't cut it. Sorry is bullshit. And I don't want to talk about it." She said as she pounded on the floor numbers with her fist.

"That won't help." Adrien said softly.

"Ahh!" She screamed as she pounded harder. "I can't take this!" She felt Adrien grab her softly. "Don't touch me!" She screamed as she pulled away. Meredith went to the corner and pulled her knees to her chest.

"Sorry." Adrien said as he stepped back and sat in the other corner away from her.

"You made me afraid to come in this hospital. I was. I am afraid of you. I am really afraid of you. You cornered me. You tried to force me to do things I didn't want to. You sued Derek. And my baby. My baby died." She cried as she covered her face.

"Is anyone down there?" A voice said as the doors opened in between floors.

"Oh God! Yes. I need out of here." She yelled as she jumped up.

"We're working on that." The man yelled down.

"Meredith..." Adrien said as he walked towards her. "I want to take it back. If I could, I would. I'm not sure what happened to me. I didn't mean it. I know you didn't kill the baby on purpose. I know you didn't kill it to keep me from it. I don't know why I said that. I was just so angry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I should have never put my hands on you. Especially then."

"What?" Meredith asked. "You... I... You think I killed my baby? On purpose?" She cried as she started to shake.

"Not now... Not now that I am in my right frame of mind." Adrien said softly. "Meredith!" He said as he pulled her close. He felt her freeze as he touched her. "I don't know what came over me. I would never do any of this things. I would have never intentionally hurt you. I must have lost my mind. Please forgive me. I need you to forgive me." Adrien said as he rubbed her back, trying to calm her down.

"I- I hurt." She spat as she pulled away.

"Okay. We need to pull one of you out." The man said as he reached his hand down.

"Me. I need to get out of here." Meredith said quickly. "Please get me out of here!"

"Okay, ma'am... Can you give me your hand?" He asked.

Adrien watched as Meredith frantically jumped to grab his hand. She looked terrified. Like prey in a predator's cage. Like a frantic mouse with a snake in her cage. She was in a panic. There was nothing she wanted more than to get away from him. He knew he didn't have the right, but a tear fell down his cheek. He could never thought he could do so much damage. And he couldn't take the feeling of guilt.

---------------

"Are you okay?" Derek asked Meredith as he spooned against her.

Meredith laid there. She was supposed to be changing. She was supposed to be opening up. Getting it out. Talking to him. She wanted to, but she was so afraid. Once she let her feelings show, it was all there. It was there to be judged. There to be taken advantage of. And she was so scared to open up. So scared to be hurt.

"No. I thought I would be. But no. No, I am not okay." She said as she laid and stared at the wall.

She admitted it. She is not okay. She actually said it. She said she wasn't okay. Derek laid there, his abdomen spooned against her back. Every possible inch of his flesh was pressed against hers. He rubbed her arm softly as he buried his head in her neck. She opened up to him, and he couldn't believe it.

"What did he say?" Derek asked, knowing about the elevator incident.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She said as she quietly. "Why didn't you tell me what he said? That night, in the hospital. Maybe that would have- Why didn't you tell me?"

"What do you mean?" Derek asked softly.

He knew exactly what she meant. She was referring to that night. The night that Adrien rushed into her room. The night that she lost the baby and he blamed her. He basically came in her room and called her a murderer. He grabbed her. He hurt her. And if Derek hadn't been there, who knows what would have happened. He knew what she was talking about. And had been hoping they would never have to talk about it.

"Why didn't you tell me that he said I killed the baby?" She asked as she began to sob.

"Meredith... How was I going to tell you that? I don't want to see you in pain. I don't want to see you suffer. I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to see you cry. I didn't want to see you hurt." He said as he kissed her neck.

"That's why you got in the fight..." She said as she sniffled.

"Yes." Derek explained. "He had ahold of you. He was hurting you. And I couldn't take it. So I attacked him." He said frankly.

"I'm sorry. If I had been honest. To Adrien. To Kristy. To you. None of this would have happened." She said as she curled up.

"None of this is your fault. We did what we did. I don't regret it. I never will. Because I have you. The end result was worth everything else." He said into her ear as he kissed her.

"What did he say to you today?" He asked as he rubbed her hip.

"He said he was sorry, Derek. And I couldn't forgive him. What kind of person can't forgive?" She asked as she looked towards him.

"Some people can't, Mer. And what he did... It was bad." Derek said with a sigh. "Really bad. And maybe someday you will forgive him. But if you can't, It's okay Mer. It is okay."

"I love you." She said as she turned and hugged him tightly. "And you were right. The end result is all that matters."

Meredith closed her eyes and felt herself succumb to Derek's touch as she fell asleep. Derek laid there with her in his arms. He wished she wasn't feeling so bad about it. He knew where she was coming from. But as far as he was concerned, he hated Adrien. And he honestly wished nothing but bad for him. He hated him. And he would never. Ever. Trust him.

-----------------

Adrien sat there in his apartment. He was a monster. He had become a monster. He hurt her. Over and over again he had intentionally caused her pain. He blamed her for everything. He lied and said he forgave her. But he didn't. He had held a grudge. Then he attacked.

_[iMemories consume_

_Like opening the wounds_

_I'm picking me apart again_

_You all assume_

_I'm safe here in my room_

_(unless I try to start again)_

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

'_Cause inside I realize_

_That I'm the one confused[/i_

When he found out about she and Derek, it was like a slap. It hurt. To know that she had been intimate with another man. To know that she let another man touch her. She let Derek kiss her. She let him in their bed. It was her bed, but it was also the bed they made love in, and she let him in it.

_[iI don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate_

_And say what I don't mean_

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I know it's not alright_

_So I'm_

_Breaking the habit_

_Tonight[/i_

When he heard about the baby, he was angry. But then he had the smallest bit of joy. The joy that a father should have. To know that you created a life with someone you love. For a split second he thought they could be happy. That they could have the perfect life. Until he found out that Derek was the father.

_[iClutching my cure_

_I tightly lock the door_

_I try to catch my breath again_

_I hurt much more_

_Than anytime before_

_I had no options left again_

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

'_Cause inside I realize_

_That I'm the one confused[/i_

It was all his fault. She wasn't honest from the start, but she did tell him it was over. She did tell him that Derek was the father. Right from the start, she told him. She did tell him that it was Derek she wanted. She told him. And he continued to torture her. She was right. Torture was the correct word. That was exactly what he did. And now she was in pain. Because of him.

_[iI don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate_

_And say what I don't mean_

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I know it's not alright_

_So I'm_

_Breaking the habit_

_Tonight[/i_

He couldn't take the guilt anymore. It was too much. The guilt. The pain. Guilt. Pain. He hurt someone that he loved. He damaged her for what looked to be a lifetime. She would never be that same. She would never be whole again. He could never take it back. And he could never get what they had back. If he had played it differently. If he had been a better person. But none of that matters. It's too much. The guilt is too much. He picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hello?" Meredith mumbled sleepily into the phone. She hadn't even bothered to look at the name of the caller.

"Meredith... Please, don't hang up. I am begging you, don't hang up." Adrien said as he sobbed. "Please."

"What?" Meredith said with irritation apparent in her voice.

"I can't take it anymore. I can't take the guilt. I hurt you. I hurt you so badly. And I can't change it. And- I can't live with myself anymore. I can't take the pain. I can't take this. I am a monster. I've lost my mind. You didn't kill the baby. I killed your baby. Your's and Derek's. I know you wouldn't lie. I know it wasn't mine. I stressed you out so much that I killed an innocent life. I made you suffer. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't function. I ruined lives. And I can't live with myself anymore. And I want you to know that nothing that happened was your fault. None of it. And this is not your fault. I need you to promise me that you won't blame yourself for any of it or this. Promise me, Mer." Adrien sobbed loudly.

"I promise." Meredith croaked out.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"I always loved you. I just- I'm a monster. And I can't take the guilt anymore. I can't take it. I'm so sorry..." He trailed off.

[i_I'll paint it on the walls_

'_Cause I'm the one at fault_

_I'll never fight again_

_And this is how it ends_

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_But now I have some clarity_

_To show you what I mean_

_I don't know how I got this_

_I'll never be alright_

_So I'm_

_Breaking the habit_

_Breaking the habit_

_Tonight[/i_

Click. Boom.

**Yep. Boom. And if I get reviews, I will help you off this cliff tomorrow!**


	71. Close To The Edge

"Oh my god! Oh my god!" Meredith screamed as she jumped out of her bed.

Panic was taking over. The room was swirling. Her thoughts were swirling. She couldn't think straight if her life depended on it. Getting dressed wasn't high on her priority list. Telling Derek? She was not thinking straight enough to talk period.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he sat up.

"Oh my god!" She said loudly as she ran out of their bedroom and into the living room. She frantically tossed things around as she looked for her purse.

"Meredith!" Derek said as he jumped out of the bed and ran out to her.

"What the hell is going on? I heard screaming." Mark asked as he rushed out of his open bedroom door.

"I don't know." Derek said quickly.

"I- I- Oh my god. I have to-" Meredith spat out as she grabbed her keys. "I-" She said as she ran out of her apartment in a panic.

"Where is she going?" Mark asked as he looked at Derek.

"Don't you think I would tell you if I fucking knew?" Derek said loudly. He quickly grabbed the home phone and dialed her number. "Voicemail." Derek said quickly.

"I have to follow her..." Derek said as he ran into their bedroom and pulled his jeans on.

"Let's go." Mark said as he grabbed his keys. Mark and Derek both rushed out to the parking area. "What happened?"

"Someone called. I don't know who it was. She said she promised. And then she freaked out." Derek said as they ran to the car. "Shit!" He said as he looked at her empty parking spot.

"She must have flew ass out of here." Mark said quickly.

"What the fuck do I do now?" Derek asked as he looked around.

"We have no idea where she went. I guess you need to keep trying to call her." Mark said with a shrug.

"She was in a panic, Mark. What if she gets in an accident?" Derek said as he felt the sick feeling creeping up.

Meredith definitely wasn't thinking rationally. She just ran out of her house in crocs and pajamas. She drove off into the night like a fool. She was in a panic. She didn't know what she was doing. She was in a shock. All rationale was gone when she heard the gun go off. She had never heard anything like it. Adrien shot himself. Adrien was dead. One minute he was alive. The next he was gone. She just heard a life end. In seconds. Just like that, he was gone.

Finally, a real thought crossed her mind. She had to call for help. She had to call the police. She quickly grabbed her phone out and dialed.

"911." The operator said quickly.

"My- My friend. I was on the phone with him. I think he shot himself." Meredith cried out.

"Okay, calm down. What is his address? We will send someone over." The operator asked.

"514 Olympus." Meredith said quickly. "Oh my god..." She cried as she flipped the phone shut and tried to call Adrien again.

She sat there feeling ill as she drove along. Maybe he didn't really shoot himself. Maybe it was just a scare tactic. Maybe he was screwing around. It was his way of getting her over to his apartment so they could talk. She took a deep breath as she began to speed faster and faster. She didn't even turn her car off as she threw it in park and ran to the door. She fumbled through her purse and grabbed out the spare key she still had.

Meredith felt numb as she stuck the key in the door. Anything could be on the other side. At best, he would be sitting there laughing at her. At that point she would smack him up side the head and hate him even more than she already did. At the same time, he could be laying there with a ruby pool around him. The life that was there could be gone. She held her breath as she turned the handle.

Meredith looked into the dark apartment. She didn't see him in the living room as she walked in. Everything was in it's place. Nothing looked amiss as she walked through. She called out his name several times, getting no answer. Finally she pushed open his office door.

"Oh my god!" She screamed as she walked in.

Adrien was on his back on the floor. The puddle of blood was growing on the beige oriental rug that was beneath him. He was lifeless as he laid there. She looked at the shiny gun that was still in his hand. She quickly rushed over to his body as she began to shake.

"Why? Why did you do this to yourself?" She cried as she knelt down next to him. She looked down at the blood that was soaking into her clothes. She quickly put her finger on his neck, checking for a pulse. "You're alive! Oh my god..." She cried out as she felt a faint pulse.

Meredith looked up as she heard people rushing in the door that she had left open. She began to cry as the paramedics rushed in a pushed her out of the way.

"He's alive!" She yelled as she pointed to him.

"Move aside, Ma'am." They said as they began working on him.

Meredith sobbed as she sat there on the floor. He was alive. He had a bullet in his head, but he was still alive. As much as she had hated him, it was all gone now. All she could think about was how she didn't listen to him. The last time she talked to him, she was seconds away from writing him off and hanging up the phone.

"He needs to go to Seattle Grace." Meredith muttered numbly as she stood up.

She heard them talking as they worked on him. She could hear a lot of things. But nothing was registering. She was in a state of shock as she watched them try to keep him alive. They were working hard to undo what he did. She looked up as two officers walked in.

"Are you the lady that called this in?" The one officer asked as he walked up to her.

"Ye- Yes." She said as she nodded. "I- He- And I- And then he- Boom." She said as she sobbed.

"Okay. We're taking him to Seattle Grace." The paramedic said as they began to push the stretcher out of his office.

"I need to go with him." She said as she rushed alongside them.

"Ma'am, we need your statement." The office said as he followed her.

"I can't- Not now." She said quickly. "Derek Shepherd needs to be paged. He is the Neuro attending at Seattle Grace. He's not there. He's home..." Meredith said as she climbed in the ambulance after them.

"Ma'am, you can't-" The paramedic started.

"Look. My- He just- I need to be here." She said as she clenched her jaw.

"Stay the hell out of the way." They spat as they radioed the hospital. "Shit... He's crashing."

---------------

"You better check that." Mark said as he pointed to Derek's pager.

Derek was numb. He had no idea what it was going to say. He wasn't sure that he wanted to know what it said. All he could think was that Meredith was wrapped around a tree somewhere. That she was once again lifeless. That she had lost control in her moment of panic. He couldn't look at that pager. There was no way.

"Here." Derek said as he handed his pager to Mark.

"Gunshot wound to the head." Mark said simply. "Shit. It's de Gaulle. de Gaulle has a gunshot wound."

"What?" Derek said in shock. "Oh my god. That was- He was the one who called her." Derek said as he and Mark rushed out.

"He called her?" Mark said as he threw his car in reverse.

"That fucker called her. No wonder she rushed out of here." Derek said as he thought. "He- This is-"

"You don't think he shot himself, do you?" Mark asked as he glanced over.

"Either that, or he pissed off the wrong person." Derek said quickly.

Derek sat there in Mark's passenger seat. He was glad that Mark was driving. He wasn't able to drive. The thoughts flew through his head. If Adrien did shoot himself, Meredith went there. She saw it. He made her promise something. Derek felt sick as he watched Mark pass cars. She was going to blame all of this on herself. She was going to think he did this because of her.

Derek could hear people talking loudly as he rushed in. The whole place was abuzz over what Adrien had done. Derek rushed around, looking for her in a panic. He had to find her. He had to make sure she was okay. He didn't care about de Gaulle. de Gaulle could lay there and die for all he cared. He only cared about Meredith.

"Where is she?" Derek asked as he looked up at a nurse.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Miranda Bailey said as she rushed up. "He's in for tests now."

"Where is she?" Derek asked again as he continued to walk in a panic.

"Who?" Dr. Bailey asked as she looked up at him.

"Meredith. Where is Meredith?" He said as he looked.

"Derek." He heard Meredith say softly. Derek looked up, seeing Meredith standing there in her bloody pajamas.

"Oh, Mer." Derek said as he rushed up to her and pulled her into an embrace. "Oh, baby. Are you okay?" He asked as he kissed her head.

"He shot himself, Derek. I was on the phone with him. And it just- Boom." She said as she laid her head on his shoulder.

"Oh honey." Derek said as he stroked her hair. "It will be okay." He told her as he rubbed her head.

"Dr. Shepherd..." Dr. Bailey said as she walked up. "I need you to look at these scans." Derek looked down at Meredith.

"I think I am a little busy here." Derek said quickly.

"This is imprtnant. We are talking about a man's life here." Miranda said quickly.

"A man who deserves to rot in hell. I think this is more important at the moment." He said frankly as he held Meredith tightly.

"Go." Meredith said with a nod. "I'll be okay."

"No. I am not leaving you." Derek said as he looked at her.

"Please. I need you to go." Meredith said with a nod.

"Dr. Eastman?" Derek said as he looked over at Dina. "I need you to stay with her. Please."

"Of course." She said with a smile as she walked up to Meredith. "Dr. Grey, let's go." She said as she led her away.

"But-" Meredith said as she looked into the distance.

"You need to get out of those bloody clothes." She said as they walked.

"I should have accepted his apology..." Meredith mumbled as they walked along.

"This is not your fault." Dina told her firmly. "This is not because of you."

Meredith walked into the hot water that Dina had started for her. She slowly began peeling her bloody clothes off. She laid her head back as the pink water rushed over her body and down the drain. She couldn't believe this was happening. She felt sick. How could he feel that desperate? How could he want to end his life? She closed her eyes. She knew the feeling. She knew what it was to want to end it all.

--------------

"How's it going?" Mark asked as he stepped into the dark room.

"I'm just- I need perspective." Derek said as he sat back and ran his hand through his hair.

"How is he doing?" Mark asked as he sat down on the sofa.

"He's stable for the moment." Derek told him. "I have to remove the bullet. The bastard was lucky."

"No kidding. I saw the scans." Mark said as he shook his head in disbelief. "The chances of it taking that path were slim."

"I just- I don't want to save him. I know that is wrong, but I want to let him die. He hurt her, and I just- He should be in hell right now, riding a carousel. Not getting prepped for my OR. And I can't get past that." Derek said as he shook his head.

"I know how you feel. Okay, I don't. But I can imagine. And as much as you hate him, you have to save him. And even if you didn't take the hypocratic oath, you would still have to save him. You need to save him for her. For Meredith. She would never be able to live with the guilt." Mark said as he stuck his hand on Derek's shoulder. "Do it for Mer."

"You're right." Derek said with a deep sigh. "You are right. But that doesn't make it any easier." He said as he drew in a deep breath and stood.

"I know." Mark said with a nod.

Derek stood over the table above Adrien. He was holding his life in his hands. He was the one that was here to save his life. He took a deep breath as he glanced up. Meredith was standing in the gallery. She was up in the closed gallery, watching him. She shouldn't be there, but no one could stop her. He couldn't let her down. Even of Adrien didn't deserve it. He had to save his life.

The surgery seemed to be going on forever. Derek felt a little better as he saw Mark up in the gallery with Meredith. She was leaned up against him. Every once and awhile, he would see Mark caressing her back as she sobbed. That gave him more drive as worked. This was for her. And only for her.

"Nice job, Dr. Shepherd." Dr. Bailey said as Derek walked over and pulled his gloves off.

"I know you didn't- I know he isn't your favorite person." Bailey said as she scrubbed out.

"That doesn't even begin to explain how I feel about him." Derek told her frankly. "He should be okay. Obviously we won't know anything until... If... He wakes up." Derek explained. "Meredith and I are going home. Page me if there are any problems." He said as he opened the door.

"Tell Dr. Grey that she can have the next few days off." Miranda said with a faint smile.

Derek looked up to see Meredith rushing down the stairs from the gallery. She looked so sad, but yet hopeful. He managed a smile as she walked towards him. This wasn't fair, not to either of them.

"I got the bullet out. He should be okay. But we won't know anything until he wakes up." Derek said with a sigh.

"Thank you." She said as she laid her head on his shoulder.

"Let's go home." Derek said as he wrapped his arm around her and began to walk.

Meredith remained quiet as they drove home. He held her close and rubbed tiny circles on her hand. She didn't cry. She didn't talk. She just sat there, deep in thought. He was so happy when Mark pulled into his parking spot. They were home.

"You need to take a shower." Meredith told Derek as they walked into the apartment.

"I don't want to leave you." Derek said frankly.

"You did surgery. You need a bath." She said simply. "I will be okay."

Meredith walked into her bedroom and changed into clean pajamas. Her heart broke as she returned to her cold bed. Hours ago, it was warm. Hours ago, they were sleeping peacefully. She laid her head down on her pillow and closed her eyes. She was sad, but at the same time, she was thankful. Thankful that he lived.

She felt the bed shift as Derek laid beside her. She didn't want to talk. She wasn't in the mood to talk. So much had happened. So many big things happened. She couldn't even absorb it all at the moment.

"It wasn't your fault." Derek whispered into her ear as he spooned against her.

"I should have accepted his apology." Meredith said softly.

"Mer... It's not about that." He said quickly. "You didn't do anything wrong." Derek told her as he rubbed her hip.

"It-." She started. "He hurts. I know how it feels." She told him softly. "He needs help."

"You're right about that." Derek said frankly.

"Love you... Goodnight." Meredith muttered.

"I love you too." He said as he kissed her head.

Derek laid there with tears in his eyes. She understood. He knew what it felt like to be in so much pain that you want to take your own life. But Adrien didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve sympathy. Adrien did not know pain. Derek knew pain. Meredith knew pain. And that was what made him cry. That was what hurt. She knew pain.

**So he lived. There is no way Meredith would have been able to take the guilt if he died.**


	72. Holding On

Derek laid in their bed. He could hear Meredith moving around. Her feet were moving from her bureau to her closet and back. She was trying to be quiet. He could tell but the sound of her footsteps. He knew he was still felt tired, so it couldn't have been very late. It was probably late in the morning, but they hadn't gotten home until seven am, so they hadn't been sleeping long. Derek rolled over and opened his eyes. Meredith was standing by her closet pulling her jeans on.

"What are you doing?" He asked in a tired voice as he squinted.

"Oh... You're awake." She said with a faint smile as she glanced up from zipping her jeans.

"And I shouldn't be. Neither should you." He said as he rubbed his face.

"I'm awake." She said with a shrug as she brushed her hair.

"Mer, it's only ten. You haven't even gotten three hours sleep." He said quickly as he looked at the clock and then at her. "Come back to bed."

"I'm fine." She said with a nod. "You rest. You had a busy night."

"So did you." Derek said with a nod. "You-"

"Sleep. I'll see you later." Meredith said as she kissed him softly and walked out of the room.

"Where are you going?" Derek asked as he laid his head on his pillow and watched her leave.

"I'll be back in awhile." She replied as she slid her shoes on and grabbed her purse.

"Mer..." Derek said as he began to get out of bed.

Derek sighed as he heard the front door click. She was gone. She was gone without telling him where she was going. She was acting odd. She was acting okay about everything. He had no idea how she could possible be okay after what she had witnessed last night. He laid back down as shook his head.

Meredith drove to the hospital in silence. Usually she had her radio on. Or some kind of noise. But today she was way too distracted to even think about the radio. She was nervous. A little scared. But she had to go. She was so afraid of what she was going to see. What she would find. But she knew one thing. She had to make sure that he was going to be okay.

"Dr. Grey." Danny Carter said with surprise as he looked up. "I thought you were off today."

"I am." Meredith said with a nod. "What room is he in?"

"Who?" Danny asked as he stared at her. "Oh. de Gualle... He just got moved to room 364."

"Okay." Meredith replied with a sigh. "Is he awake?"

"No. No he's not." Danny said sadly. "But he is stable."

"Thank you." Meredith replied as she walked off.

She could feel everyone's eyes on her as she walked. The woman that drove the famous Adrien de Gaulle to the edge. And here she was. Maybe she was seeing if he kicked it in the middle of the night. She was here to make him finish the job. She was here to make him deader than dead. She could only imagine that was what they were saying.

"You're up early." Meredith heard Mark say from behind her.

"I could say the same about you." Meredith responded with a nod as she turned and faced him.

"I had surgery this morning. Why are you here?" Mark asked quickly.

"To- I have to see him." She said quietly as she dropped her head and looked at the floor. She already knew what he would say.

"Meredith... You don't need to- This isn't-" He stammered, trying to find the right words.

"Mark. Not now. Okay?" She said simply as she looked into his steely blue eyes, begging him to drop it.

"Mer..." Mark said as she walked away.

Meredith walked down the cold hallway. She was afraid of what she was going to see. A man she loved tried to take his life. He not only stepped on the edge, but he jumped off. He was lucky. He jumped into water, not into rock. And even through all the fear she had of him. Even through the hatred. She still did care for him. They were a couple. And of she had never found Derek, she would have stayed with him. She hurt him. He hurt her. And she did feel horrible about all of it.

Meredith stepped into the dark room. She could hear the soft beeping of the machines hooked up to him. He was stable. He was breathing on his own. But he was not conscious. She walked up and looked at him. It was sad to see him laying there so broken. Just as she once was. And he was alone. She had Derek. And he had no one. He needed someone.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you felt you had to do this." Meredith said as she placed her hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry." She said again as she sat down in the chair beside his bed.

Meredith just sat there and watched him. She watched as he took a breath in and then a breath out. So much more than she had done. Machines breathed for her. And Derek still didn't give up. Derek never gave up on her. She smiled as she laid her head back and fell asleep.

-------------------

Derek walked into Seattle Grace. He was actually a little irritated. He had been calling Meredith for a couple of hours and she hadn't answered. He was beginning to wonder what she was doing. She was either avoiding him. Or mad. Or there was the possibility that she didn't have her phone. But he doubted that. either way, she was unreachable. And he didn't like that.

Derek grabbed his lab coat and slid it on. He was just here to round on his patients. He would never admit it, but he was exhausted. Worrying about Meredith as she drove away last night had taken the life out of him. Thinking about her dead, nearly killed him. He worried more about her than she would even know. He walked to the nurses station and grabbed a handful of charts.

"Hey, Dr. Shepherd." Ellen Pierce said with a smile as she walked up.

"Dr. Pierce." Derek said with a nod as he glanced back down at his chart.

"So, I hear you saved de Gaulle's life last night." She mentioned as she stood as close as she could to him.

"I guess I did." Derek muttered without looking at her.

"Well, it's a shame. You know, what he did and all. I mean what could have driven him to that? Well, I guess Dr. Grey would know..." She mumbled as she looked into the distance.

"Excuse me?" Derek asked as he whipped his head around. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, they did have a tumultuous relationship. She's quite the heartbreaker..." She mused.

"I don't think that you have any right to talk or think about anything that has to do with Dr. Grey." Derek snapped as he walked away.

Derek checked on three of his patients. Any other doctor would have rushed right in to see Adrien. But he didn't want to. He didn't care. He really didn't care. He had never hated anyone so much in his life. Whenever he looked at that man's face, all he saw was the attacks on Meredith. He made him sick. So he saved him for last, sparing all others. Knowing he would be in a sour mood.

"Tired?" Derek asked with a grin as he looked at a yawning Mark.

"Exhausted, man." Mark answered as he shook his head. "At least you got some sleep."

"Yeah. Just me. Meredith was up at ten." Derek told him as he shook his head.

"Yeah. She did get here pretty early. But she's sleeping now..." Mark said simply.

"She was here?" Derek asked in shock.

"Is. Is here. She's in de Gaulle's room." Mark replied with a frown.

"Oh. I see." He grumbled as he looked at Adrien's chart.

"I don't know what she's doing..." Mark said quickly. "I tried to talk to her."

"She feels guilty." Derek said simply. "But she shouldn't. And someone needs to explain that to her." He said as he walked to Adrien's room, chart in hand.

Derek was mad. He didn't understand it. And he wasn't even sure that he wanted to. She snuck out of the house this morning. She purposely didn't tell him where she was going. She obviously knew that it would make him mad. As he stalked towards the room, he tried to calm himself down. His noticeable anger wouldn't make her feel any better.

Derek frowned when he walked in the room. It was somewhat dark. There was a tiny bit of light coming in the window. It was a typical rainy Seattle day, but there was still light coming in. Meredith was in the chair next to his bed. Her head was laying to her side and she was snoring lightly.

Derek looked over the chart without saying a word to her. He didn't want to wake her. He wanted her to wake on her own. Adrien was stable. His stats were in the normal range. He wasn't awake, but for a head trauma, that wasn't unusual. He tried banging things around and she still didn't wake up. Finally he walked over and kissed her softly.

"Hey." She said as she opened her tired eyes.

"Hey." Derek muttered as he stroked her head.

"Any change?" She asked as she glanced over at him.

"No. I'm going to order a brain scan." He said as he began writing on the chart.

"That's good." Meredith said with a nod.

"Are you ready to go home?" Derek asked as he rubbed her back.

"Uh. I think I'm going to stay a little longer." Meredith said as she looked away.

Derek drew in a deep breath. She looked away for a reason. She obviously had some major inner conflict going on. She couldn't face him. He wanted to drag her out and never allow her to come back. But he didn't. He couldn't. He didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was.

"Okay." Derek said as he shook his head. "Okay..." He said again as he kissed her head and walked out.

"So?" Mark asked as he walked up to Derek.

"She's staying." Derek said with a clenched jaw.

"Oh." Mark said with wide eyes.

"Even unconscious, that bastard has a hold on her. And I am not taking it. Not for long..." Derek said as he tossed the chart down and walked away.

Meredith sat there in the chair. She could tell that Derek was angry with her. She couldn't help it. She was doing what she thought was right. She knew that Adrien did horrible things. But deep down in her heart, she knew there had to be a reason for him to hurt her so badly. She knew that he wasn't really as bad as he had made himself out to be in the past couple of months.

She knew that Adrien did not attempt suicide because of her. As much as the guilt was taking over, it wasn't her fault. She didn't do anything to push him over the edge. As she sat there in the stillness of the sterile room, she thought about his call. She would never understand why he would call her. It hurt. And at the same time it didn't. He apologized to her. In his last moments, he made amends. Or at least tried to.

"You need to go home." Mark said as he looked in the room.

"But I-" Meredith said as she looked over at Adrien.

"Meredith... He knows you are here. You've been here all day. It's time for you to go home." Mark said as he walked in.

"What if he wakes up?" She asked as she looked up at Mark, who was dressed in his street clothes.

"What if he does?" Mark asked as he walked over and looked at Adrien.

"Someone should be here." Meredith said quickly. "When he does."

"And someone will be here. We have a whole staff here at Seattle Grace... Can you believe it?" Mark replied with a chuckle.

"Mark, I'm serious." She said as she took in a deep breath.

"I know you are. But I also know that you are exhausted. And if you think your back won't hurt from sitting in that chair all day, you are crazy. You need your bed. He will be fine." Mark scolded as he turned away from Adrien.

"You are a pain in the ass." She grumbled.

"I know." Mark said with an exuberant nod. "Have you eaten?"

"No. I haven't eaten all day." She said as she rolled her eyes.

"I'll take you home, and we'll stop through a drive thru." Mark said with a smile.

"Fine." She said as she grabbed her purse. "I'll check on you tomorrow." She told Adrien as she placed her hand on his arm.

"So what do you want to eat?" Mark asked. "We have a whole variety of crappy, unhealthy fast food on the way home..."

"I want fries. And a shake." Meredith said as they walked to the elevator.

"It's not your fault." Mark said softly as he glanced over at her.

"I know that." Meredith said frankly. "And I don't really want to talk about it."

"Okay." Mark said with a nod as the walked to his car.

Meredith drove home with Mark in silence. They stopped and grabbed some food. She didn't realized how starved she was until she smelled it. Mark watched as she shoveled it in without taking a breath. She knew he wanted to talk, but she really didn't want to. She looked at the clock in Mark's car. It was ten. She had been there twelve hours. And now she had to go home. And she knew Derek wasn't going to be very happy with her.

Meredith threw the empty bag of food in the trash. She grabbed a glass of water and sighed. Even standing there, she couldn't believe how drastically her life had changed in the last six months. She went from being alone and lonely in her cold apartment. To having Adrien. And that was good. He didn't save her, but he didn't let her fall. And then she found love of her life all over again. Derek was the love of her life. She couldn't ask for more. She put her empty glass in the sink and walked into her dark bedroom.

She knew he was awake as soon as she walked in. She knew him better than she knew herself. He was pretending. He was mad. Meredith peeled off her clothes and threw on a tee shirt and shorts. She was freezing as she climbed into the bed next to his warm body. She rolled to him like a magnet.

"You're mad at me." She said softly. He didn't answer, he continued his pretend sleep session. "And I know you are awake." She said with a sigh.

"I'm not mad. Just tired." He said as he rolled away from her.

"Derek..." She pleaded as she laid her hand on his arm.

"Goodnight." He said coldly.

"Goodnight." She responded softly as she rolled away from him and pulled the covers to her chin.

**Derek is mad. He really is. Because he hates Adrien, and now, even after all that Adrien has done, Meredith is pretending things are okay. **


	73. Telling It Like It Is

Meredith rolled over in her bed. Derek wasn't there. She could feel the warmth from where he had been. That meant he hadn't been gone long. She looked over at the clock. It was seven. She wasn't sure if he had surgery this morning or not. They hadn't even spoken last night. And that really bothered her. There was nothing worse than going to be mad or hurt.

She heard the water running in the shower. He probably did have surgery. And she didn't know what she was doing. She knew Bailey gave her days off, but she didn't know how long. She was in such a fog of guilt and confusion, she barely even knew what day it was.

Meredith walked into the steamy bathroom. She could hear the water falling off of Derek's body. He was quiet. Even from outside, she could feel the coldness surrounding him. She slowly pulled off her pajamas and opened the door. Derek looked up at her in shock as she stepped in.

"Care if I join you?" She asked as she shut the door.

"No. I'm done anyhow." He said frankly as he rinsed his face and opened the door.

"Derek..." She said as she placed her hand on his arm.

"I'm done." He said again as he pulled away and shut the door.

Meredith felt the tears begin to well up. It hurt. She knew Derek was mad at her about this. But she couldn't help it. She was feeling like she was being pulled into all directions. She wanted to be there with Adrien. His family was in France. His mother was old. And she knew that no one would be coming to be with him anytime soon. She had Derek when she was gone. And Derek would never know what an impact he made on her. Him just being in her room pulled her back from the darkness.

She listened as he went through his regular routine. He was doing it faster. He was cutting time. He was not talking. It was obvious that he just wanted to get away from her. Meredith decided against shaving her legs and quickly jumped out of the shower.

"Derek, I'm sorry, I-" She started as she walked out of the shower and wrapped herself with a towel.

"You're doing what you think you need to." He said simply as he walked out of the bathroom.

"Derek- You can't do that! You can't say those things." She said as she walked into their bedroom.

"Say what? I haven't said anything." He told her as he fastened his belt. "Any guilt you are feeling is strictly yours."

"I'm not- Damn it! Derek, this isn't yours." She said quickly.

"You're right. It's not mine. This is all you. Your choice. Your pain. Your problem." He grumbled. "So there it is. Once again. Meredith."

"What is that supposed to mean?" She asked as she walked up to him.

"It means, I don't care. Do what you want. You do anyway. You are a tornado. And I am tired of trying to stand in your path." He said as he grabbed his bag. "I try to help you. I try to fix you. And then-" Derek shook his head. "I have to go... Bye." He said as he walked out the door and left her standing there.

"Derek!" Meredith shouted as she looked at their door. "Oh god." She murmured as she laid her head in her hands.

--------------

Meredith walked into Adrien's room. Once again, it was dark. She walked over to the window and let the sun in. It was a nice day. The perfect day to be outside, even if it was fairly cold out. He walked over to Adrien's bed and looked at him.

"It's a nice day." Meredith said softly. "Rare, isn't it?"

"He had a good night." One of the floor nurses said as she walked in with his chart.

"That's good." Meredith said with a nod and a smile. "Did his brain scan come back?"

"It did. And it looks good. Dr. Shepherd thinks that he will be fine." She said happily.

"If he wakes up." Meredith said with a frown.

"Yes. If he wakes up." The nurse agreed.

"He will." Meredith told her with a nod. "He will wake up.

"I hope so." The nurse said as she walked out of the room.

"So I guess they are bringing Santos back while you are on leave. That's good. He's a good surgeon. Although he did admit that he is not the best. Now that is a rare quality in a surgeon." She said with a giggle. "Every surgeon thinks they are the best..."

Meredith sat in her chair. She took turns talking to Adrien about unimportant little bits of information. Anything to help him. Anything to let him know that she was there. That she was in the room. She finally grabbed a magazine off of the nurses station. As she flipped through that, she continued to talk. Until Derek came in.

"Derek." Meredith said as she looked up at him.

"Meredith." He said coldly as he walked to Adrien's bedside.

"How do things look?" Meredith asked as she stood up and walked to the bed.

"You've read the chart." Derek muttered as he began writing in it.

"But I-" She started and then stopped talking. "I don't know what you want me to do."

"I want you to do whatever it is you think you need to." He said as his blue eyes met her green.

"No you don't! See... That just makes it worse! You want me to do what you want. Not what I want." Meredith said quickly. "And If I don't do what you want, then you are mad. I don't know how to do it! I don't know how to make everyone happy."

"It sounds like you need to get your priorities straight." Derek told her quickly as he flipped the chart shut ad walked out of the room.

Meredith walked backwards and collapsed in the chair. Her shoulder shook as she sobbed. She felt sick. Why did it have to be like this? Why did she have to feel this way. It wasn't fair. If she ran out and chased after him, he would feel better. But if she she ran out and chased him, she would not. She would still have the guilt and worry on her.

At the same time, she was feeling angry. Maybe she should be. Maybe not. But it was beginning. Derek hated Adrien. It wall boiled down to that. At least in her eyes it did. He hated him, so he wasn't willing to see it in her eyes. To see why she felt like she needed to be there. Deep down she hated herself for what she had done. Although her love for Derek was stronger than any, she still cheated on Adrien. And she continued to do so. She even got pregnant. This was on her. She pushed him.

"Meredith..." Adrien said softly. She didn't hear him as she continued to sob. "I think I'm the one that should be crying here." He said as loudly as he could.

"Oh my god! You're awake!" She shouted as she rushed to his bed. "Let me get someone..."

"Wait." Adrien said quickly.

"What?" She asked as she bent down.

"I can't believe you are here." He whispered.

"You needed someone." She replied as she stood straight. Meredith quickly rushed to the nurses station. "He's awake." Meredith told them as she pointed to his room.

"He is?" The nurse said in shock. "I'll page Shepherd."

"I can't even kill myself." Adrien said as Meredith came to his bedside.

"Adrien..." Meredith said as she grabbed his hand. "It's not- You lived. You lived and you are so lucky..."

"I know." Adrien said with a smile. "I know." He said as he took a breath.

"Do you remember?" She asked. Adrien looked at her and shook his head yes. She could see the tears forming in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry... I should have never- I shouldn't have called you that night. I shouldn't have done that to you." He said as he began to sob.

"It's okay. It doesn't matter now... It's okay." Meredith said as she rubbed his arm.

"Derek." Adrien said as he looked up at Derek. Meredith quickly pulled her arm away and stepped back.

"Dr. de Gaulle." Derek said as he walked in. "How are you feeling?"

"Well, I feel good. But I assume that is because of the morphine?" Adrien asked looking at his iv.

"That would be. Although your wound was rather clean. The only pain I think you will have is from the surgery and the trauma from falling backwards." Derek said quickly. "How is your memory?"

"I remember." Adrien said with a nod as he glanced over at Meredith. Derek clenched his jaw as he looked between Meredith and Adrien.

"I am going to order some tests." Derek said as he wrote on Adrien's chart. "You were lucky." He said as he walked out, but not before looking at Meredith.

Derek felt angry as he walked out of Adrien's room. He quickly shoved Adrien's chart into Justing Weather's hands. Justin looked up at him with wide eyes.

"Tests." He grumbled. "Do them. Now. Get him out of that room."

Derek watched as Justin wheeled Adrien out of the room. It was the perfect time to go in and talk to Meredith. He couldn't. He was too angry. He knew if he walked in that room he would say things to her that wouldn't be forgiven. He would say things that would hurt instead of help. So now, he was pulling a Meredith. He was avoiding.

"So I hear de Gaulle is awake?" Mark said as he walked up beside Derek.

"He is." Derek muttered. "Bastard."

"Someone is jealous." Mark pointed out.

"Jealous? Are you fucking kidding me? Jealous? Jealousy has nothing to do with this. Not a thing. de Gaulle is an asshole. An asshole who is hurting the love of my life. And she's too goddamn stupid to realize it!" Derek said loudly.

"It's the guilt, Derek." Mark pointed out. "It's nothing but the guilt."

"Well, you know- Do you realize how hard it was? When I found her... She was hurt. And I had to fight for her to forgive me. And now, he hurts her. Physically. Mentally. And it's okay. All is forgotten. He tried to kill himself. He not only takes the coward's way out, but he makes sure to hurt her one last time. He made sure he called her. He made sure he fucked with her one last time on his way out. And I can't deal with that. I'm so pissed at her. I am so pissed at him." Derek said as he clenched his jaw.

"You are right." Mark said with a nod. "You are right. But we don't know how she feels."

"Well, I know how I feel. I feel like I can't be around her right now. I'm not going home tonight. Not to her home. I'm just too pissed." Derek said as he walked away.

Mark stood there dumbfounded. He didn't know what to think. He could see both sides. And he wished they could see. He had never seen Derek so angry at Meredith. And he had a right to be. But his angry was displaced. He should be angry at Adrien. And he was. He was angry with both of them. Mark shook his head as he walked towards Adrien's room. He needed to talk to Meredith.

"What the hell is going on?" Mark said as he walked up.

"Hmm?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Mer what are you-" He was interrupted by his pager. "Shit. 911. I have to go."

----------------

Derek watched as they took Adrien out of the MRI. He was going to talk to him. He was going to say his piece. He had to say his piece. He didn't really care what the consequences were at this point. He watched as Justin wheeled Adrien towards the elevator. He quickly marched up. He didn't care about the test results. He didn't care if Adrien was ready to throw a clot. This was more important.

"I will take him." Derek said as he grabbed the gurney.

"Dr. Shepherd-" Justin said quickly.

"I have it here, Dr. Weathers." Derek said as he glared at him.

"Okay Sir." Justin replied as he stepped back. The doors shut and Adrien looked up at Derek.

"Is there something you need to say?" Adrien asked. Derek immediately hit the emergency stop button.

"As a matter of fact, there is." Derek said quickly. "I don't know who the fuck you think you are. You treated her like shit. She made mistakes. I made mistakes. But you- You purposely hurt her. You thought hard about it. You planned your attacks. You didn't attack out of nowhere. No, it was spiteful. It was premeditated. You tell her that she killed our child. It was you. The stress you put on her... That was what killed _MY_ child. I don't care that you felt bad. Instead of being a man. You chose the coward's way out. And to top it off, you hurt her again. For the last time, you chose to call her and make her feel even worse. You try to blow your brains out while you are on the phone with her. You are a worthless son of a bitch. And if you ask me, you should have succeeded. Only if you had, it would have fallen on her. I saved you because of her. If it were up to me, you would be in hell by now." Derek said as he pulled the button.

"Derek. I did not-" Adrien started.

"No. You don't get to speak. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. And I will be sending you the psych as soon as I can." Derek said as he wheeled him out. "Weathers!" Derek yelled. "Take him back to his room." Derek said as he walked away, leaving Adrien in the hallway.

Meredith was sitting in Adrien's room when he came back in. He didn't say anything about Derek. He didn't say anything at all. He laid there as she made light conversation. She was trying to make him feel better, and he wasn't in the mood.

"You're tired." Adrien said as he looked up at her.

"I am." Meredith agreed. "But I'm fine.

"You don't have to stay. It feels good that you are here. But you can go if you need to." He said with a sigh.

"I'll stay a little longer." Meredith said softly.

Meredith sat there as he talked about France. It was a neutral topic. Something that didn't bring up hard feelings either way. As Meredith listened, she couldn't help but think about Derek. Her stomach started to knot up as she sat there. He was home. He was probably waiting for her.

"I- Uh... I'm tired." Meredith said quickly. "I think I need to go home."

"Will you be back tomorrow?" Adrien asked as he looked up.

"Do you want me to come back?" Meredith asked as she walked to his bed.

"Yeah... It's nice. To have someone..." Adrien said softly.

"Goodnight." Meredith said with a nod.

"Goodnight." Adrien said as he grabbed her arm.

Meredith drove into her parking spot. Derek's Denali wasn't in his spot. It didn't look like he was there. And she knew he wasn't at the hospital. As she drove out, she did glance into Joe's parking lot, he hadn't been there wither. She quickly rushed down to her door and stuck the key in the lock. As she pushed the door open, she called for him. The apartment was dark. He wasn't there. And he hadn't been.

**So Derek didn't come home...**


	74. Never Question

Meredith ran her hand over to Derek. She expected to feel his warm body. She expected to feel his strong arms. His broad chest. Instead, she felt cold sheets. She opened her eyes and frowned. She was alone in her cold bed with the covers wrapped tightly around her. He never came home. She couldn't believe it. He wasn't there.

Meredith stumbled out into the kitchen. The coffee wasn't made. There was no breakfast on the table. Her section of the paper wasn't ready for her. The apartment was reminiscent of what she used to have. Everything felt cold and sad. It didn't have Derek in it. Everything was returning to the way it was.

Meredith flipped the coffee pot on and pushed her english muffin down in the toaster. She walked down the hallway, seeing that Mark's door was still shut. He was home, but he wasn't awake. She stood there and stared at it for a long time before finally pushing it open.

"Mark!" She said as she walked in.

"What?" He moaned as he rolled over and covered his head. "Leave me alone."

"Where is Derek?" She asked as she walked up to his bed and pulled the covers off.

"I don't know..." He grumbled as he ripped the covers away from her and covered himself. "But some people like to sleep after they work all night!"

"Fine. Whatever." She said as she rolled her eyes and marched back into the kitchen.

She followed her routine. Her old routine. Not the new one where she would work around Derek. Not even around him. with him. Not the one where she would occasionally join him in the shower. Or where she would brush her teeth while he flossed. It wasn't that one. It was the lonely one where she did everything alone. Just like that. Alone.

She sat at the kitchen table and ate her english muffin. She was mad. Really mad. She was beginning to wonder if this was Derek trying to teach her a lesson. She couldn't get over the fact that Derek didn't come home. He had to be unbelievably mad to not come home. And she could see why. He didn't understand, it was her choice, not his. And it wasn't his right to judge her. And so she sat, stewing.

"You woke me up." Mark grumbled as he walked into the kitchen. "I was in emergency surgery until two, and you woke me up."

"Oh waa. You're a plastic surgeon. What? Did someone's boob burst?" She spat as she rolled her eyes.

"As a matter of fact, it did." He said quickly as he sat at the table. "And she almost died..."

"Oh." She replied as she looked up at him.

"So why did you wake me up?" He asked as he grabbed a section of the newspaper.

"I wanted to know where Derek is. But you know what? I don't care." She grumbled.

"Oh Mer..." Mark said as he shook his head.

"What?" She asked quickly.

"You need to pull your head out of your ass." Mark stated frankly as he shook his paper straight.

"Pull my head out of my ass?" She laughed. "No. Not me."

"Yes. Yes you." Mark said with a nod then a chuckle. "Derek is a good guy. And you are asking a lot. He lost you. And now he wants to protect you. He has made it is life's work to protect you. And you aren't making it easy for him. In fact, you are making it impossible. You are being foolish. Adrien crushed you, and now you act like he did nothing wrong. So yes, you need to pull your head out of your ass and fix this. If you don't, you will regret it."

"It goes both ways. He could talk to me." She said frankly.

"Well... I don't know much about relationships, but I know that someone needs to bend. And it shouldn't always be Derek." Mark told her.

"So you are siding with Derek?" She said loudly as stood up.

"I'm saying that you need to get your priorities straight. Standing next to someone who doesn't care about you isn't fair to the person that does." He said as she walked in her room.

-----------------

Meredith was on fire as she drove to the hospital. She felt like she was under attack. Under attack by everyone. She just wanted to do the right thing. She wanted to ease her own conscience. And it seemed that no one wanted to let her do it. They wanted her to feel guilty. They wanted her to alienate him. They didn't understand how she felt.

As Meredith walked down the familiar hallway, she spotted her interns. They watched as she walked by. This was her last day off. She had to come back tomorrow. And she wanted to come back tomorrow. Anything to get her mind off of everything that was going on. She just wanted things to go back to the way they were before. But yet, even the way they were, they weren't perfect. Before she was either with Adrien, who was not Derek. Or she was with Derek and Adrien hated her. There was no perfect. And she had no idea how to get close to it.

As Meredith began her turn down the hallway towards Adrien's room she spotted him. Derek was at the end of the hallway talking to Dr. Santos and another doctor she didn't know. As she drew in a deep breath, she knew she had to confront him. She had to say something. She watched as the group dispersed and he stood there, still studying a chart.

"Derek." Meredith said as she began walking towards him. Derek quickly started walking off. "Derek Michael! If you walk away from me..." She said loudly, causing the floor nurses and interns to look up.

"What?" Derek asked as he spun around. "I'm not in the mood."

"You didn't come home..." She said softly as they stepped to the side. "You didn't come home..."

"No. I didn't. I didn't go to your home." He said frankly. "I went to mine."

"You went to your apartment?" She asked in shock.

"Yes." He said quickly.

"But the apartment is- You live with me." She said sadly.

"No. See, you said it yourself. I'm not divorced yet." He said with a shrug. "I don't live with you. You won't allow me to live with you."

"Derek! This is rediculous. You- What do you want me to do? I need to help him! I need to help him because I- Please, Derek." She said as the tears fell. "I don't want to sleep alone again."

"I love you Mer. You know I do. But I can't do this. And I don't want to. I can't sit here and watch it. It's like waiting for the storm. I know it is coming. I've warned you. But you insist on sitting right in it's path. He hurt you so bad. That man is teh reason our baby is dead, Meredith. He will hurt you again. And I can't bear to watch it. And I won't." He said as stood with his hands to the side. "I just don't get it. He hurts you, and you forgive him. Just like that. He hurt you physically. He hurt you mentally. And yet you can walk around like you are fine. But what about me? What about me, Mer? You didn't forgive me that easily. You never do. Is it him? If it's Adrien that you want..."

"Derek! It's not. I don't love him." Meredith cried.

"I won't do it." Derek said as he shook his head.

"What are you saying?" She asked as she swallowed hard.

"I'm saying that you have a choice to make. I won't watch you be destroyed again. I will not pick of the pieces that he leaves." He told her frankly.

"That's not fair. You are asking me to suffer. I need to do what's right. And you are asking me to just walk away." She said as she wiped a tear from her eye.

"You can't see it..." He said as he shook his head and walked away. "And I can't make you..."

Meredith stood in the hallway in shock. Complete shock. He was making her chose. There wasn't even a choice to be made. She already knew. Derek was the love of her life. Derek would always be the love of her life. And she would chose no one over him. She would never risk losing him. Not for a second.

Meredith quickly walked down the hallway towards where Derek went. She needed to tell him. She couldn't believe she even let him get that far away. She shouldn't have even let him get a footstep away. She never wanted him to question how she felt. And as she walked, all she could do was think about what she had done.

Her stomach knotted up. She didn't fix things. She let him worry. She had let him stew. She was angry for no reason. She came so close to letting him slip away from her. Last night, when she went home, and found her apartment empty, she should have went to him. She should have fixed things. As she passed the OR board, she saw his name out of the corner of her eye. He was in surgery.

She sat in the back of the gallery. There were a few interns and nurses sitting in the seats. A few were watching intently, but most were using it as a quiet place to relax and eat. Derek was focused intently on his work. He always was. He was able to shut things out in the OR. She thanked God for that. Maybe he wasn't worried. Maybe he wasn't feeling sick like she was.

"So..." Mark asked as he plopped down in the chair next to her.

"I screwed up, Mark." She said as the tears began to fall. "I really screwed up."

"No you didn't." Mark assured her as he leaned against her. "And you can fix it."

"How could I let it get this far?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"Because you care. Because you know how it feels to be in pain. You know what it is like to almost die. That is why you let it get that far. But the important thing is that you figured it out. It's not that Derek doesn't want you to not speak to Adrien. But Mer, you can't dedicate all your life and time to him. You can't do that and alienate Derek." Mark said quickly.

"You're right." She said with a nod. "You're so right."

Derek glanced up into the gallery. He saw Meredith talking to Mark. He could tell by her body language that she was upset. His heart broke when he said that to her. He hated to make her choose. But he had to make her see. That was the only way he could open her eyes.

"I have to go." Meredith said as she stood up. "I have to-" She said as she walked out of the gallery. "Go..."

Meredith walked down the busy hallway. She made her choice. Now she had to tell him. She had to lay it on the line. She had to sew up the wounds. They needed to heal. Adrien needed to heal. She needed to heal. And Derek needed to know that she was trying. She took a deep breath as she walked into his room.

"I hope you're rested." Adrien said with a chuckle as he looked at the clock. "I thought you would be here earlier..."

Derek walked down the hall. He wanted to find her. He wanted to apologize for snapping at her. He knew how she was. He knew how upset she would get. In his venture to make her realize, he was worried that he was going to make a bigger mess. He paused outside Adrien's door as he heard them talking.

"You hurt me." She said frankly as she stood there. "You really hurt me. You said very nasty things. Hurtful things. And I am forgiving you. I am. But I- I love Derek. I will always love Derek. And I can't do this to him. It's not fair."

"What do you mean, Derek? What does this have to do with him?" Adrien asked quickly.

"Everything. Because he is the man I love." She stated firmly.

"Why Derek?" Adrien asked. "Why him? I loved you. I do love you. And you had an affair with him..."

"Do you want the truth? Do you want to hear the whole story?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"What do you mean?" Adrien asked.

"I've known Derek for fifteen years." She started as she sat in the chair. "I fell in love with him. He was- He is the love of my life. He was my world. I needed him like I needed air. I hated to be away. And when I was, all I thought about was him. We lived together. He was getting ready for medical school. I was getting ready for college. We were so happy. He was driving that day. A truck ran the red light. It hit us, the passenger side. He thought I died. My mom pulled the plug and he thought I was dead. I thought he left me. I hated him for leaving me alone. That was why I was so broken when you met me. We didn't know the truth. And then I saw him. I saw him at Kristy's. And- It had been fourteen years, and I felt the same. I didn't say anything. I was hoping I could make it go away. But you can't make love like that go away. You just can't. I love him. I can't make excuses. But he is the love of my life. I won't jeopardize that for anyone. So, I forgive you. I do. But this is it. It has to be professional. It has to stop. I'm glad you lived. You should be happy you lived. You need to be happy. You can drop your guilt. But Derek... He is the love of my life. And I pick him. I love him." She said as she stood up.

Derek stood there in shock. He didn't expect her to do that. He didn't expect her to go in and lay it on the line. He listened to her every word. He couldn't believe that he had ever questioned her feelings for him. Listening, he knew he never would again.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Adrien asked as he looked at her in shock.

"I didn't want to hurt anyone. But I did. I made it worse than ever. I can't change that. And I wouldn't change it. Because the end result is all that matters." She said with a smile as she rubbed his arm. "You will be okay."

Meredith walked out of the room with a smile on her face. She got it off her chest. She never thought it would feel so good. But it did. It was all out. Every lie. The whole story. It was out there. No more secrets. It was invigorating. She looked with wide eyes as she saw Derek standing there. He placed his hand on her cheek and looked into her eyes.

"I love you too." He said as he pulled her close. "And I always will."

"Can we go home?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"Let's go home. To our home." He replied as he walked down the hallway with his arm around her waist.

**I fixed it! I always fix it! Review please, my wonderful readers!**


	75. Finally Moving On

As they drove down the road in Derek's car, Meredith had no idea what to say. She had no idea how to express how she felt. All she could do was sit there and think. She had to think about how foolish she had been. As she sat, she felt Derek's hand grab hers. A faint smile crossed her face as he caressed her hand with his thumb.

"I'm sorry." She said as she turned her body and looked over at him. "I'm so sorry..."

"Shhh..." He said as continued to rub her hand.

"I shouldn't have acted like that. I should have talked to you. I just- I felt like I had to help him. I felt like if I was the reason that he tried to kill himself, that maybe this was my chance to fix it. Like a second chance. But it wasn't worth it." She spoke softly as she read his race.

"I know how you felt. You wanted to help. And I wasn't as supportive as I should have been. But when I see him, I see red. I know that isn't right, but it's the truth. All I see is his hands on you. I can still see the red hand prints on your skin. It wasn't jealousy, Mer. It was fear. I don't want to see you hurt. Not when it can be prevented." Derek said softly.

"Why do we have to be so stupid?" She whispered.

"I don't know." Derek answered as he shook his head. "But I'll try not to do it again."

"Me too." Meredith agreed with a smile.

"Are you hungry?" He asked as he watched all the restaurants pass by.

"I am. But I want to go home." She told him frankly.

"How about pizza?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Sounds good." She replied happily. "No meat."

"Of course." He agreed, remembering the rancid pizza from their past..

"I want you to move in." Meredith told him after a moment of silence.

"Okay." Derek replied with a nod.

"Not after the divorce. Not in a few months. I want you to move in this weekend." Meredith ordered.

"This weekend? What happened to you not bending? No caving, you said." Derek answered with a laugh.

"I'm caving, okay? Because you are never spending another night away from me. And if we fight, you have to come home. I don't want you going anywhere else but home. No more avoiding. Not from either of us!" She scolded.

"So I am moving in..." He mused.

"You are moving in." Meredith agreed with a nod. "Like all of your stuff, getting piled in with mine. Fighting over where furniture goes. Fighting over your favorite chair. All of that."

"Sounds like fun." Derek told her with a chuckle as he pulled into his parking spot. "You're not doing this out of guilt, are you? I don't want you to do it because you feel bad."

"No. It's time." Meredith answered with a smile. "It is time to move on."

"Finally." Derek said with a sigh as they walked down the hallway. "So... Thanksgiving..."

"Derek!" Meredith laughed as she smacked him in the arm. "I know you aren't using the recent events to further your mission of destruction."

"Mission of destruction?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"Yes, The destruction of Meredith and her confidence." She replied with a huff.

"Mer..." Derek said quickly.

"Seriously. Vegetable pizza. And wine. I want wine tonight." She said quickly. "I'm going to take a bath."

"Okay." Derek said with a nod as he watched her walk away.

Meredith lowered her body into the hot bubbly water. She needed a relaxing bath after the last few days that she had. As she laid there, she couldn't help but think about Derek's comment. Finally. Finally they were moving on. She wondered if she had been holding him back. And if so, how long.

"I thought I would bring you some wine." Derek said softly as he walked into the dark bathroom.

"Thank you." Meredith said softly as she grabbed the glass from his hand. She took a long sip. She watched as Derek started to walk away. "Join me..."

"The pizza." Derek answered as he pointed at the door.

"We have a doorbell." Meredith said softly. "Please..."

Meredith watched as Derek peeled his clothing off a piece at a time. She watched as more and more skin was coming into view. He was the perfect man. The perfect man was standing in front of her. And she couldn't imagine never seeing that body again.

She felt the water rise as he climbed in the bathtub behind her. A moan escaped from her as she felt his strong body up against hers. His legs laid beside hers. His hands rested on her hips. She took another long sip of her wine. Meredith leaned her back against his chest and laid her head to the side, closing her eyes. No sex. Just love. And it felt perfect.

---------------

Meredith didn't go back to Adrien's room. Well, not for visiting purposes. She only went in there to do rounds with her interns. They distanced themselves. She had to stay away from him. She couldn't risk any problems. She couldn't risk any misunderstood feelings. He was getting better. And little did he know, he was going to psych as soon as he was ready.

Meredith had back to back surgeries. It was a busy day. Santos had been giving her a lot of freedom and he was ever letting her do his surgeries in his presence. She was exhausted. Standing in the operating room all day was something she loved, but when it was done, then she felt it. She quickly walked down the hallway towards the cafeteria.

"Derek is driving me nuts. Any chance you want him back?" Meredith joked as she walked over to Kristy with her tray.

"Not a chance. What did he do now?" She asked with a giggle.

"Oh... Just the whole Thanksgiving Day thing." Meredith replied with a sigh as she sat down at the table.

"You guys still haven't come to happy medium yet?" Kristy asked with a smile.

"No. And we won't. I just- I don't want to go. And he's being whiney. A baby." Meredith stated as she shook her head.

"A baby? Derek?" Kristy asked with a smirk. "No way."

"Oh yes. He always has been." Meredith told her with a nod.

"It's funny. The man you are with. He looks like my ex-husband and he sounds like him. But definitely not that same guy." Kristy pointed out. "But that's a good thing." she added, seeing Meredith's frown.

"I'm not so sure about that..." Meredith joked.

"Oh. Believe me. It is definitely a good thing. A very good thing." Kristy explained.

"I'll take your word for it." Meredith replied with a nod. "Oh crap..."

"What?" Kristy asked as she looked over her shoulder, seeing Derek. "Oh. I thought you were doing the whole not avoiding thing."

"I am. That's why I didn't climb under the table and hide." Meredith replied with a giggle.

"Hey." Derek answered as he leaned down and kissed Meredith softly.

"Hey." Meredith replied softly.

"Hey Kris." He said with a faint smile.

"Hello." Kristy answered simply.

"So how is your day going?" Derek asked Meredith.

"Good. You?" She asked him.

"Craniotomy." Derek answered simply. "And- Adrien was transferred to psych. They are doing an evaluation."

"Oh." Meredith answered as she dropped her head and looked at the table.

"It will help him, Meredith." Kristy said softly. "He needs it."

"I know." Meredith agreed with a sigh. "I know."

"Well, I need to get back to Peds." Kristy said as she stood up. "Dinner tonight, right?"

"Of course." Meredith said with a smile. "See you at seven."

"Dinner?" Derek said with a frown.

"Yeah. We agreed. You agreed." Meredith said simply.

"Why did I agree?" Derek asked as he grabbed a bite of her salad.

"Because Mark is your best friend. And Kristy is mine. And you agreed. That's why." She pointed out.

"Well, it seems I agreed to this when we were having sex." Derek said quickly.

"No. Not while we were having sex." Meredith argued.

"No. Not while. When. We haven't had sex in four days." He pointed out.

"Hmm... Four days, huh?" Meredith asked as she shook her head in disgust.

"Four days, twelve hours and thirteen minutes." He said as he looked at his watch.

"You are pathetic. You know, there are people that go weeks without sex. Sometimes months. Years even." She replied with a giggle.

"No way." He said with a chuckle.

"Really." She said with a nod.

"They obviously haven't had sex with you." He said as he kissed her softly.

"That may be so." She said with a giggle.

"I want sex..." He told her as he ravaged her neck.

"Seriously... People are watching." She said as she pulled away.

"Let them watch. Let's go. Right here, on this table." He said with a dirty grin.

"Seriously Derek! Hands to yourself." She said as she pulled away from him.

"Fine." He whined. "By the way... I thought I was your best friend." Derek whined.

"Oh... I guess..." She laughed. "More like best fuck." She joked.

"Oh how nice!" Derek said, feigning hurt. "Just a good fuck."

"No. Best fuck. And best boyfriend." She said with a giggle.

"Now who's bringing this back to sex?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"I guess I am." She said as she shook her head. "Oh the shame."

"Yes the shame. I love the shame." Derek said with a grin. "So this sex thing..."

"Fine. We go to dinner. A normal dinner. A good dinner, not rushed. A normal length dinner. Then sex. All night long sex. Hot sex. Me screaming and clawing at your back sex. My mouth on things that you love my mouth on. You-" She kept going as she looked at him.

"Stop! Okay, okay. But if you don't stop, all of these people will be amazed by my strength." Derek said quickly.

"Your strength?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"I will be lifting this table off of the floor." Derek said frankly.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"Without using my hands." He said with a nod. She quickly glanced down at his manhood, standing at attention.

"Oh! Oh wow. Yep. I have to get back to my patients." She said with a giggle.

"You are a cruel, cruel woman." Derek said as he shook his head.

"I know." Meredith said with a laugh as she walked away laughing.

**The make up sex is coming. Not the next chapter... The one after that!**


	76. All Friends

Derek glanced over at Meredith. She was in an olive green dress. Olive green would have looked horrible on anyone else. But she made it absolutely breathtaking. She was always breathtaking. He knew that no matter what he would always feel that way. He could just look at her for hours on end in amazement. He raised her eyebrow as he watched her roll her earring in between her thumb and forefinger nervously.

"I never asked you..." Meredith said softly.

"What didn't you ask me?" Derek questioned with a smile.

"My earring. How did you find it? I looked everywhere for it. I was in a panic." She told him as she glanced over.

"You know... I saw you everywhere. When I thought you were gone. I literally saw you everywhere. Sometimes in my coffee. Sometimes in the store. In a puddle. Once I saw you in the coffee house. I thought it was you. I walked up to the woman. She thought I was crazy. And that was at my worst. That was when I was ready to jump off the edge. Addison saved me." Derek explained.

"Oh Derek..." Meredith said softly as she grabbed his hand.

"I really did think I was losing my mind. I smelled you in the scrub room at Mercy-West. I smelled you when I was sleeping. I was ready to give up. One day I went home. One of the rare times that I went home, and there it was. In our living room was that earring. I couldn't believe it. Right there. Right on my floor. That brought me back. I don't know how. But finding that gave me hope. I held onto it. I kept it in my pocket everyday. And then that day I saw you... I just couldn't believe it." He said as he rubbed her hand.

"Wow." Meredith said as she drew in a deep breath. "I lost it at your house. What is the chances of that happening?" She asked in shock.

"I know." Derek told her with a nod.

"They were the only things I kept. I couldn't bear to look at the other stuff." She said with a sigh.

"I know. When I left the apartment, I just took my bag and the pajamas. I couldn't go through your things. I couldn't face that you wouldn't be with me for life." He croaked.

"But I am now." Meredith told him with a smile.

"Yes you are." Derek said quickly as he pulled into a parking spot at their favorite restaurant.

"I don't see anyone else's cars." Meredith pointed out as she glanced around the lot.

"Nope. They aren't here yet. You know what that means." Derek said with a smile.

"Oh no!" Meredith told him quickly as she sat up straight.

"What? Come on... A quickie." Derek responded as he leaned towards her.

"No! No, Derek. Not after... Not in this dress." She said as she looked down at her gown.

"Why?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"Do you not remember our quickie disaster at your sister's wedding?" Meredith asked quickly.

"Oh." Derek said as he sat straight. "I do."

"You remember the cum stains on my bridesmaid dress... We had to dance all night like that." Meredith said in a huff.

"That was so funny. I think Dave was the only one that noticed." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Well, It won't happen tonight." She pointed out.

"What?" Derek asked in shock. "But you promised."

"Not now. Tonight meaning now. Not later!" She said quickly.

"Oh. Okay then." Derek responded with a nod.

"Tonight. Tonight will be good. Very good." She told him with a smirk. "Let's go."

They walked up to the restaurant hand in hand. Derek had only one thing on his mind. Hot sex. He was getting dirty, hot, porny ass sex tonight and he almost couldn't take it. His cock started to rise as thought. He was ready to cum all over his pants as he thought about her hot wet pussy around his big thick cock.

"Reservations for Shepherd." Meredith said as they walked up.

"Right this way." The hostess said softly as she led they way.

"I'm glad it's dark in here." Derek pointed out quietly.

"Why?" Meredith asked as she whispered into his ear. Derek grabbed her hand and grazed it across his manhood. "Holy shit, Derek!" She said as she pulled her hand away. "What did you do? What did you take?"

"Take? Take? Are you kidding me? This is all natural, baby. Completely one hundred percent me. This is what happens when I think about you." He said with a smirk.

Derek ordered a bottle of wine for the table. No one else was there yet. Meredith watched as he fidgeted nervously. It was like he was fiend. He was wanting his drug. His foot was shaking. He looked like he was ready to break a sweat. He just wanted a little hit.

"Okay. Let's go." He said quickly as he looked at her.

"What are you talking about?" She asked as she looked up at him with irritation.

"They're late. Now we can go home. We were here. I can't help it that they didn't show up." Derek said quickly.

"First of all we are early. Very early." Meredith huffed. "You have to stop!"

"I can't help it. I need you." He said frankly.

"A nice dinner, Derek." Meredith reminded. "You promised!"

"I know..." He said as he shook his head.

"Fine." Meredith said quickly.

"We can go?" Derek asked as he looked at her with anticipation.

"Not quite." Meredith told him as quickly disappeared under the table.

"What are you- Oh god!" Derek muttered as he felt her unzip his pants and release his hard cock from it's confinement.

Meredith rubbed the head of Derek's cock. A droplet of pre-cum formed at it's surface. She took the tip of her tongue and licked it gently. Meredith felt Derek play with her hair as her tongue slid up and down his thick shaft. She traced his thick vein with the tip of her tongue. From base to tip. When she got to his head she placed him in her mouth. Derek moaned as her soft lips pressed around him. He had to fight the urge to thrust into her as she bobbed her head, letting him slid in and out. In and out. Her suction grew as she pulled him farther and farther in. Derek lifted his ass off of the chair as the head of his cock hit the back of her throat. She sucked harder and harder as she felt him coming closer. She moaned as he began to pulsate violently in her mouth. Derek's eyes rolled back in his head as he released silently in her mouth. Meredith swallowed his hot cum, letting it pour down the back of her throat.

"Oh God, Mer." Derek said as he sat there, coming down from his high. He felt her zip him up. Derek smiled as her head popped up from underneath the table.

"I don't know where it went... I looked everywhere." She said with a smile as she sat back in her chair and shrugged. Derek glanced over at a couple at the next table over. The man winked at Derek. Derek just smirked.

"Oh god, he knows." Meredith said as she dropped her head.

"You bet your ass he does." Derek replied with a grin.

"Are you happy now?" Meredith asked as she avoided eye contact with the next table over.

"I am. But I hate to tell you..." Derek warned her quickly.

"What?" Meredith asked with a sigh.

"All you did was warm me up." He told her frankly.

"I knew it was a bad idea." Meredith said with a frown.

"Oh no. It was good. Very good." He said with a dirty grin.

"Hey guys!" Addison said as she walked up.

"Addie!" Meredith said with a smile as she stood up. "I'm so glad you made it." Meredith said as she pulled her into a hug. "Very glad." She whispered in Addison's ear.

"Me too." Addison said with a smile. "You both remember John." She said as she motioned to him.

"Hello John." Derek and Meredith both said with a smile.

"How are you?" John asked.

"Good. Very good." Derek said with a smirk as he glanced over at Meredith, who rolled her eyes at him.

"So... Are Mark and Kristy coming?" Addison asked as she looked across the table.

"They should be here anytime." Meredith said happily.

"So is it strange?" Addison asked as she looked up at Meredith.

"Not at all. In fact, I am ready to give him back." Meredith muttered.

"Who? Me?" Derek said with a laugh.

"Yes, you." Meredith moaned as she shook her head.

"Hey guys!" Kristy said with a smile as she and Mark walked up.

"How are you?" Addison asked.

"Good." Mark said with a nod.

"Really good." Kristy agreed as she sat down.

"Is everyone having wine?" The waitress asked as she walked to the table.

"I think so." Everyone agreed as they looked around.

"And any appetizers tonight?" She asked with a smile as she looked around.

"No." Derek said frankly.

"Derek!" Meredith said as she kicked him.

"Time." He muttered as he looked down at his watch.

"Yes... We will have the crab stuffed mushrooms. And whatever anyone else wants." Meredith said with a big nod. "Knock it off." She warned as she looked at him.

"What is going on?" Mark asked as he looked over at Derek. Derek looked at him and Mark just knew. "Oh."

"What?" Kristy asked.

"Nothing." Mark said as he shook his head.

"What is it? Seriously..." Kristy pried as she looked over.

"I can tell you what's going on." Addison said with a shrug. "Derek is horny. My bet is that Meredith promised him sex when they got home, so now Derek is acting like his ass is on fire. And that is why he doesn't want an appetizer." Addison said with a nod. "Am I right?" Derek looked at her and nodded his head. He had no shame.

"Addie!" Meredith said as she motioned at Kristy.

"Mer... It's fine! I know you guys have sex." Kristy said with a nod. "It's not awkward for me."

"You know I am blunt, Mer." Addison said with a nod.

"Well, Derek is going to be on his best behavior for the rest of his night." Meredith said with an evil smirk.

"Until we get home." He muttered with a smile.

"So, how on earth did we ever manage to get everyone together at once?" Kristy asked with a giggle.

"No kidding." Meredith agreed. "That is next to impossible."

"I don't know... But we did it." Addison said with a smile.

"Any good surgeries lately, Addie?" Mark asked as he looked across the table.

"I had a woman with two uteruses last week. Very interesting. You?" Addison asked.

"I had an SRS." Mark said with a nod.

"The guy was a fifteen." Meredith said with an exuberant nod.

"Get out!" Addison said as she looked up in shock.

"What's an SRS?" John asked as he looked over.

"Sexual reassignment surgery." Addison said quickly with annoyance that he asked apparent in her voice. "Was it really? Fifteen..."

"I saw it. Until Mark kicked me out." Meredith pouted.

"Mark! You had a guy with a fifteen inch penis on your table and you didn't let me see?" Kristy asked in shock.

"Please tell me there were pictures." Addison said with a smile.

"No. He specified no pictures." Mark pointed out.

"But why? Why get rid of something so great?" Kristy asked with a giggle. Derek and John both looked at each other an shook their head.

"No kidding... Fifteen... The things you could do-" Meredith started.

"Okay!" Derek said quickly. "Unless you want there to be problems." He said with a nod. Meredith swallowed hard, remembering just how horny Derek was. They all smiled when the waitress brought the appetizers out to the table.

"I am starving!" Kristy said with a smile.

"So am I. All I had was part of my salad at lunch." Meredith said quickly.

"So, let me get this straight." John finally said as he looked around. They all looked at him. "You-" He points to Kristy. "Were married to Derek." He asked.

"Yes." Kristy said with a nod.

"Okay. And Meredith is your best friend. But Meredith and Derek were together before?" John asked as he looked at them all.

"Yes." Derek said with a nod. "I met Mer at Mark's party. Fifteen years ago."

"And then there was the accident, and you found each other again fourteen years later... But now Kristy is dating Mark?" John asked.

"No! We're just friends." Kristy said quickly.

"Sure you are." Meredith giggled.

"We are!" Kristy insisted.

"Uh huh." Meredith said as she rolled her eyes. "You know that Mark and Addison dated, right?"

"What?" Kristy and John asked in shock.

"Oh yeah... They dated when I met Derek. Didn't last too long." Meredith said frankly.

"Believe me, Kristy. You have nothing to worry about." Addison pointed out.

"What happened?" Kristy asked as she looked around.

"He was a young man-whore. Too many women." Addison said frankly.

"It's true." Mark said with a pathetic nod.

"So true..." Meredith agreed.

"And now you are all friends?" John asked as he looked at them all.

"We are!" They all said happily. "No idea how... But we are!"

They all ate their dinners happily. Meredith and Derek kept sharing glances, not going unnoticed by the others. It was obvious to all at the table, how in love Meredith and Derek were. But it was also obvious that Derek was in a hurry. He wanted to get home. All he could think about was how sweet her skin was going to taste. How wonderful her body would feel around his. He was chomping at the bit. He wanted a ride.

**Oh no... Derek wants a ride:P**


	77. Just Sex

**Okay. This is literally a full seven, maybe eight pages of porny Meredith and Derek sex. Nothing important happens in this chap. So if you aren't into hot sex, wait for chapter 78.**

"That was a good dinner." Meredith said with a grin as she grabbed Derek's hand. The air was cool and it blew through her soft hair.

"It was. But I'm looking forward to dessert, myself." Derek told her with a grin as he squeezed her hand.

"You are such a dirty boy." She told as she shook her head.

Derek quickly pushed Meredith against the side of the car. Her eyes got wide as he covered her mouth with his and thrust his tongue deep inside. She moaned softly as their tongues meshed and played. She could taste his familiar sweet taste. She could smell his cologne as the cold air blew. Meredith rubbed her leg against his as he pressed against her.

"Such a bad boy!" Meredith said breathlessly as she pulled away.

"I know." He responded as he opened the car door for her.

"You know-" Meredith said as he climbed into the car. "I shouldn't give you anything... Not after the way you acted at dinner."

"Me? What did I do?" He asked innocently.

"Hmm. No idea." She giggled as she shook her head. "I think you might have a problem."

"With sex?" He asked, watching her nod. "Oh honey, there is no problem here."

"I think you're an addict." She pointed out.

"That may be. But I like it. And I am not going to stop." Derek said with a happy nod. "Nope. Not stopping. Besides, you can't tell me you don't want it..."

"Nope. Not at all." She said with an evil smile.

"Oh really?" Derek asked with raised brows. "Are you sure?" He asked as he ran his hand up her leg. "Really sure?" He asked as his hand ran up her thigh. Her dress turned into folds as it went up and up. She moaned softly as his fingers crept to her inner thigh and he pushed her panties to the side. In one motion, he thrust two fingers into her. "You are awfully wet for someone who isn't interested..." He chuckled.

"Oh god!" She moaned as he fingered her clit quickly. "Shit... Oh god...Oh!"

"You like that... Don't you, baby?" Derek asked as he pushed her harder and farther.

"Oh...Oh...Oh god!" She cried as she began to shake.

"Yep. You want it." Derek laughed as he stuck his cum soaked fingers in his motion and enjoyed her taste. He quickly pulled into their apartment building.

"Oh..." She moaned as she laid her head back.

Derek grinned as he put the car into park. He needed her. And he needed her now. He leaned over the seat and kissed her deeply. His hands ran through her flowing hair as he pressed his lips forcefully. He wanted all of her and he wanted all of her now. His hand ran down her shoulder to her collarbone.

"What are you doing?" Meredith said quickly as he grabbed her breast.

"I want to fuck you." He said as he pulled her dress down, revealing her lacy bra.

"Not here!" She said as she pulled away.

"Why not?" Derek asked as he began to climb over the seat.

"Because we will be naked. And our neighbors park here. And then we will have to get redressed. It would be a waste of time. We would have more sex if we went inside." She said as she pulled her dress back up and opened her door. "Are you coming?" She asked as she climbed out of the car.

"Oh I'm coming! I will cum. All over you." He said as he slammed his door and made his way around the car. Meredith giggled as she began running down the hallway. "You will be sorry, my dear." He said as he ran after her.

Meredith stuck her key in the door and shoved it open. She and Derek stumbled inside. Their mouths never left each other's as Derek kicked the door shut. Meredith wrapped her legs around Derek and he quickly walked them to the sofa.

"I want you." He said frankly as he laid her down. He quickly pulled his shirt off, followed by his dress pants. He left everything in a pile on the floor. "I want to fuck you." He said loudly as his eyes glazed over in a sex daze. "Now." He told her frankly as he bent down to her.

"Are you sure? I just might make you cum." She moaned as he leaned over him. "I just might milk you dry."

[iShe was a fast machine

She kept her motor clean

She was the best damn woman I had ever seen

She had the sightless eyes

Telling me no lies

Knockin' me out with those American thighs

Taking more than her share

Had me fighting for air

She told me to come but I was already there[/i

At those words, Derek put his hands on the front of her dress. He grabbed the fabric tightly above each breast. In one quick motion, he ripped the dress down the middle in the front. His eyes got wide as he looked at her green bra and panties. The dress laid in a pool around her.

"Oh god I need you." He moaned as he sucked on her chest. She leaned up and he unfastened her bra and slid it off. "Fuck." He said loudly as he took her nipple in his mouth and bit down. "You are so beautiful. So beautiful..." He told softly as he kissed her softly on her lips. He could feel her flesh turn hot. His mouth slowly began sucking on her neck, tasting her sweet flesh on his tongue. She moaned as he nipped and sucked, pulling on her softly. His mouth trailed down. He sighed as he looked the perfect breasts, teasing him. His mouth instantly went to each one, teasing and sucking them into hardened peaks.

"Oh..." She moaned as his teeth squeezed gently. She felt his tongue move down and suck on her navel. She sucked her abdomen in at the sensation of his tongue tickling her. She felt her body tingle as he looped his forefingers around her panties and pulled them down. She was ready for him once again.

"Oh god!" She gasped as she felt his fingers enter her moist heat.

"God you're wet..." He muttered as he swirled his finger around, flicking and rubbing. Teasing and touching. He felt her clit began to pulsate as he pushed harder, sending her closer and closer. She was hard. She was waiting.

"Oh my god...oh...shit...oh my..." She moaned as she began to release. His mouth quickly moved down, enjoying her uniquely sweet taste. A taste that he knew all to well. A taste that he always longed for.

"Oh..." She said softly. "Again... Please...Again..."

"Again?" He teased as he looked up. She nodded with a smile on her face. He quickly began sucking her warm fluid. He flicked her clit with his broad tongue. Sliding. Tasting. Teasing. He was piggybacking her orgasm. One after another. She loved it. It was something he could only do.

"Oh fuck!" She shouted as she released again.

"Now it's my turn." Derek said quickly as he slid over her.

"Oh god yes!! Please..." She moaned as she spread her legs as wide as she could. He gently pushed her knees up and entered her slowly.

"Oh my god!" She gasped as she felt the length of his large cock hastily penetrate her. She immediately felt strong sensations taking her over. He filled her completely. His girth pressed against her tight walls.

"Damn...you are tight." He said with a grin as he slid himself in and out of her, his hands on the side of the sofa. "Oh..." He moaned. "So fucking tight!" He moaned as he struggled to push and pull. She gasped as she felt his length reach deeper and farther. She pulled her knees apart and felt him go deeper, gently bumping her cervix.

"Derek...oh god...Derek..." She screamed as he quickened his pace. "Oh my..." She moaned. "Harder... Harder, harder, harder!"

"Yeah?" He asked breathlessly, not wanting to be too rough. But he did want to be rough. He wanted to tear her in two.

"Yes. Harder!" She screamed as she squeezed his back tightly.

"Meredith...Oh my...Mer..." He moaned loudly. "Fuck..." He could feel her tightening around him.

"I'm...oh god!" She shouted as she felt a rush of heat. "Harder...shit...Don't stop. Harder..." Slipping. Sliding.

[i'Cause the walls start shaking

The earth was quaking

My mind was aching

And we were makin it and you -[/i

"Fuck...I'm...oh..." He grunted as he thrust into her and released. Meredith slid her hands down his sweaty back.

"Oh my god." He said as he collapsed on top of her. He locked his eyes on hers, and watched the smile creep up on her satisfied face.

"You're crushing me..." She moaned as he continued to lay on her.

"Oh shit..." He said as he jumped off of her.

"You are amazing..." She moaned as she laid there.

"You are the one that is amazing..." Derek said simply. "Ready for another round?" He asked with a hopeful grin.

"Seriously? I haven't even caught my breath!" She said as she breathed deeply.

"You promised me loving..." He said with a grin. "Fine... A few minutes..." Derek said as he jogged off to the bedroom to light candles.

[iShook me all night long

Yeah you shook me all night long[/i

Meredith stood from the sofa. She grabbed a throw off of the sofa and wrapped it around herself. She slowly wobbled to the balcony. She was still in her post coital fog as she stumbled to the edge and looked out at the city.

"What are you doing?" Derek asked as he walked out with her and wrapped his arms around her.

"Just thinking about how lucky I am to have you." She said with a smile as she turned and looked at him.

"God you are beautiful." He said as he moved the hair from her face.

"I'm so glad I found you..." She said as she laid her head against his naked chest. She looked up at him and smiled as she dropped her throw.

Their lips crashed. They crashed like a waves onto a sandy shore. Meredith's lips rested on his soft ones. His tongue eagerly played at her lips, requesting entrance into the place that he had pined for. Their tongues meshed in an erotic dance of love. They both pulled away breathlessly. Derek looked into her eyes, and began to speak. She quickly placed her finger over his mouth and as leaned in and kissed him again. In one motion, her arms were around his neck, and her legs around his waist. He placed his hands on her thighs and began walking.

[iWorking double time

On the seduction line

She was one of a kind, she's just mine all mine

Wanted no applause

Just another cause

Made a meal out of me and come back for more

Had to cool me down

To take another round

Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing[/i

"Chair..." She moaned as she looked at the lounge chair. He stumbled backwards in the darkness and sat back on the chair.

Derek's mouth trailed from her soft lips to the crook of her neck. He sucked and nipped gently on her soft flesh, tasting is perfect sweetness, a mixture of flowers and her. The lavender. He loved the taste of her lavender soft skin. He smiled as she moaned softly. Derek looked up to see her eyes closed and a soft smile on her face. Meredith opened her eyes and looked into his.

"I want you..." She said softly as she straddled his lap.

"And you can have me..." He responded with a soft kiss. She smiled as he ran his hand down her back, curving her hips and gripping tightly. She gently grabbed his cock and placed it inside of her. She moaned as he penetrated deep inside, filling a void that could only be filled by him. She paused as he looked into his eyes. A soft smile played upon her lips as she felt them as mesh as one.

[i'Cause the walls were shaking

The earth was quaking

My mind was aching

And we were makin it and you-[/i

"Derek..." She muttered as he ran his hands along her back. "Oh god...Derek." A smile formed as she rocked on him. It never felt so perfect as it did in that moment. The cold wind nipped at their naked flesh. Derek laid back and squeezed her ass she she bounced around on his cock. Her breasts bounced and swayed as she rode him. Her nipples grew hard as the cold wind blew. Just pleasure. Just desire. Just passion. Bouncing. Sliding. Pushing. Pumping.

"Oh god...Mer...oh god..." He moaned as he felt her begin to tighten around her. They meshed so perfectly. It felt so perfect.

"Harder...deeper..." She moaned as he thrust upwards harder and harder, watching her face. Looking into her eyes.

"Oh...God...I'm..." He moaned as he felt his orgasm taking over, feeling her tighten her muscles around him, clamping down. He felt himself released, pouring himself, filling her.

"Derek...I...oh...wow..." She moaned as her eyes fluttered.

[iShook me all night long

Yeah you shook me all night long[/i

Meredith felt herself release. Their fluids mixed as Meredith collapsed breathlessly on top of of him. She laid her head on his chest as they stayed connected, physically and emotionally.

"I love you..." He muttered softly.

"I love you more." She said as she kissed his chest. "I love you more..."

"It's a little cold out here..." Derek finally said quickly as he shivered.

"Yeah, it is." Meredith agreed as she climbed up and grabbed her throw. "Come on..." She said as she grabbed his hand and led him inside.

She sighed deeply as she walked into the candle lit room. There were dozens. All over. The flames danced lightly. Their shadows formed on the walls. Wax dripped slowly. Derek laid back on the bed as Meredith motioned for him to.

"More..." She smiled as she climbed on the bed and prowleled up to him.

[iAnd knocked me out and then you

Shook me all night long

You had me shakin' and you

Shook me all night long

Yeah you shook me

Well you took me[/i

She smiled as she looked at his thick cock. Maybe it was her imaginantion. Maybe it was the candle light. But tonight it was more impressive than ever. She ran her fingers down his groin and massaged his balls softly. She felt him tighten at her touch. Her head went down as she encompassed his thick shaft into her tiny mouth. He heard loud moans and gasps come from him as she ran her teeth and lips up and down him. Up his shaft. Down his shaft. Warm. Smooth. Her head bobbed wildly as he thrust himself into her mouth. His hand grasped her hair as he pulled tightly. She groaned as the tip of his cock hit the back of her throat. She was completely filled by him. He grunted as he pounded into her mouth, his balls hitting her hard. She felt the pressure building. Meredith quickly pulled her mouth off of him.

"What the hell?" Derek asked with moan.

Meredith gently rubbed her nipple on the head of his dick. She swirled it and twirled it, trading one for the other. She let his penis leave a trail of cum down her abdomen. He had wrapped around him tightly as she pumped. He grunted as he thrust himself into her hand. Meredith smiled as she felt him begin to pulsate violently. She squealed as hot cum shot all over her. Covering her face. Shooting onto her chest. Derek rolled his eyes back as he felt her milk him dry. Meredith licked the dripping cum off of her upper lip. His hot fluid continued to roll down her body, dripping off of her nipples.

Derek and Meredth laid back. She was taking it from him. Taking all of his life right out of him. He wasn't sure how much more he could take. He wanted more, but his body was screaming. It was screaming yes and no at the same time. He needed her. For the sake of his santity he wanted her. All of her. Until they collapsed from exhaustion. They rested for awhile before Derek glanced over. He saw the grin on her face.

"You fucking want me, don't you?" She whispered as her hot breath grazed his lips.

"Oh fuck yes. I want to feel your hot little pussy." He groaned as he nodded and her lips crashed onto his. He could feel her her hot and ready pussy resting on his chest as she straddled him.

"Up here." He moaned as he motioned to her. "On your knees. Above me." Meredith got on her knees so that her dripping pussy was directly above his face. She felt his tongue reach up inside of her.

"Oh Der... Oh Der..." She moaned as his tongue ran the length of her wet slit. "Stop. I want to fuck you!" She said as lifted up and away from him. Derek nodded his head as she dripped on his face.

She sat up softly and looked into his eyes as she lowered herself down on him hard. They both moaned as his length penetrated deep inside of her for the third, maybe forth time that night. She closed her eyes and began pumping furiously. Derek groaned as she rode him hard. He needed it hard. He needed it fast. Her need was apparent as she scraped her fingers down his chest.

[iYou really took me and you

Shook me all night long

Ooooh you

Shook me all night long

Yeah, yeah, you

Shook me all night long[/i

"Oh...God...shit, Mer..." He yelped as he thrust upward into her.

"Oh god..." She moaned softly as she worked him.

[iShook me all night long

Yeah you shook me all night long[/i

"Oh..." He moaned as he kissed her chest. She placed his hands on his chest as she bounced softly, pushing and pulling his cock inside of her. "Fuck..." He moaned as she rocked harder and faster. He thrust upward, causing her to roll her head back and moan. "Come for me, Mer. Come on baby. Come for me." He said deeply.

"Oh god. Oh god!" She shouted as she started to come. She tightened around his cock, strangling it. She pulsated, tightening and releasing around him. Derek felt the hot rush of fluid around him, his cock sliding father and faster.

"I'm...I'm coming..." He shouted as he released inside of her. Their fluids mixed together, in a perfect harmony.

"Oh..." She moaned as she slumped.

"That was... Wow... That was perfect." He said as kissed her neck softly. She felt his erection shrinking inside of her. Meredith laid her head on his chest. She closed her eyes. He was right. That was perfect. Everything was.

[iYou really took me and you

Yeah you shook me, yeah you shook me

All night long [/i


	78. Moving Day

Derek laid there in their bed. It was a tangled mess of bed linens and flesh. Meredith's leg was somehow entangled in his. Derek was completely naked. Meredith had somehow stolen the bed sheet, and just a tiny bit was covering her tiny body. Any other time it would turn him on. To see her naked body. Her soft skin. Any other time he would have her on her back, and his thick cock would be sliding freely. Not this time. This time he was in pain. Serious pain.

"Oh god..." Derek moaned as he crawled out of the bed.

"What's the matter, baby?" Meredith asked as she rolled over and opened her eyes.

"Eh..." He moaned as he walked into the bathroom. Meredith smiled as she watched his bare ass disappear. "Oh fuck..." He muttered loudly. He finally stumbled out and crawled back in their bed. "No work, right?"

"No... No work." She moaned as she cuddled beside him. "Are you okay?"

"I think I'm dying." Derek said with his eyes closed.

"Are you sick?" She asked as she looked up wt him with concern. Her hand went to his face and she stroked it gently.

"My dick hurts. And my balls... My balls are red and swollen." Derek groaned.

"Oh... My poor baby." She said as she kissed him softly. "Maybe I can make it better..." She said as she began to crawl down to him.

"No!" He yelped loudly. The thought of her mouth on his swollen manhood didn't sound appealing. And her teeth, they would kill him. "Please no."

"What's going on under here?" Meredith asked as she lifted the sheet to look at him. Her eyes got big. "Holy shit, Derek!"

"What?" Derek asked as his eyes opened and he looked at her.

"You poor thing. Do you want some ice?" She asked softly. She gently placed her finger on his balls. "They're so hot... And red!"

"Fuck! Stop!" He said quickly.

"I think we need more lube next time." She said sadly.

"Oh no, honey. You had that covered. Believe me." He said with a smirk.

"Friction. It was friction." She said quickly as she shook her head.

"There was no friction. It's called overuse." Derek said frankly.

"We didn't- It wasn't- It wasn't that much!" She said simply.

"Oh. It was. Believe me." Derek said as he shook his head. "I know it was at least ten for me..."

"Shit... I'm going to get you some ice." Meredith said as she began to climb out of the bed.

"No! No ice!" He said quickly. "Holy shit... Ice... No."

"Derek, I will wrap it in a towel. But you seriously need some ice." She told him as her feet hit the floor. "Oh fuck!" She shouted as she started to walk. She heard Derek chuckle at her. Her walk was reminiscent of a cowboy that had been out on the range for a week. She looked like she had a permanent bow in her legs.

"Sore, baby?" Derek asked with a laugh.

"I don't think my legs are ever going to go back together." She pouted as she stumbled away. She smirked as she carried in a towel covered ice pack.

"Shit..." He muttered as she climbed back on the bed. "It will only hurt for a second." She warned as she lifted the sheet and placed the ice on him.

"Holy fucking shit!" He shouted as his hips came off the bed.

"Embrace the pain..." She told him softly.

"Embrace the pain? Embrace the- How the fuck do you expect me to do that?" He yelled.

"Don't snap at me!" She said quickly.

"Oh..." Derek moaned as the ice began to do it's work.

"Better?" Meredith asked as she rubbed his leg.

"Yes, better." He agreed as she closed his eyes. Meredith sat there and held the ice until he started to feel better. "Thank you, baby." He said as she grabbed their comforter and laid down beside him.

"We'll move your stuff later. I think we need to rest." Meredith said with a yawn.

"I think you're right." Derek agreed with a smile as he kissed her on the head and closed her eyes.

-------------

"Where is Mark?" Meredith asked as she leaned against the kitchen counter.

"Well, honey, he is probably at work." Derek said as he shook his head. "Why?"

"He said he would help us move your stuff today." Meredith said quickly.

"We don't need his help, Mer." Derek said frankly. "You and I can do it."

"Okay... Your balls are the size of grapefruits right now. And your dick looks like a link kielbasa, but even thicker baby. How do you expect to move a bunch of crap?" Meredith asked quickly.

"We'll be fine." Derek said with a smile as he walked over and kissed her on the cheek.

"I don't want to suffer, Derek. If you don't want to do it today..." Meredith replied with a shrug.

"You told me we were doing it today. And we are." He said as he caressed her face. "It's time. Time for us to more on."

Meredith continued to lean against the counter. He was right. For the first time in a long time, she was feeling whole. She was feeling like she was finally getting somewhere. Life was truly moving on. And it was moving past her like it had been. For years, she sat in her lonely apartment. A bottle of pain pills was in one hand and a bottle of tequila was in the other. Everyone moved on. Everyone was doing something. But for all those years she was stuck. She was still. She had been dying.

Derek placed a leg on either side of Meredith. He could stand there for hours. Just looking into her sparking green eyes. He could look at all the specks of light that shimmered. It was a shimmer that he never forgot. It was a shimmer that he wasn't around to the see the disappearance of. If he had been around to see her downfall, it would have killed him.

Derek himself had his own downfall. He was close to the edge more than anyone would know. He would lay in bed at night just hoping it would all end. Any way. He didn't care if it was painful. He didn't care if he would suffer. Nothing could be more painful than what he was going through everyday. Living with Kristy was hell. It was hell not because of her. Because she wasn't Meredith.

"You will never know how much I love you." Derek said as he stared into her eyes.

"Derek-" She started as she looked at him.

"No, Mer. You will- You'll just never know." He said as he laid his head against her chest.

"We should go." Meredith said softly. "We need to get this done."

"You're right." Derek agreed as he pulled away from her. "Let's go." He said softly as he grabbed his keys and pulled his shoes on. "Are you hungry?" Derek asked as they pulled away.

"Starving." Meredith admitted.

"What do you want?" He asked as he glanced over.

"A hamburger and fries. I can eat at the apartment." She said with a grin. "And a milkshake."

"Oh... You're in a healthy mood, I see." Derek responded with a grin as he pulled into the drive thru.

"After the calories I burned last night, I can eat whatever the hell I want." She said quickly.

"I think you're right." He agreed as he pulled up to the speaker. "I need two number threes." Derek said as he shook his head. "One with a water, one with a strawberry shake."

"Oh! Oh, extra onions and pickles. And super size." She said with a nod.

"I need the meal with a shake super sized and with extra pickles and onions." Derek said quickly as he shook his head.

"You want more cushion, right?" She said with a giggle. "Maybe it would be more cusion-y for your balls." She pointed out.

"Baby, I would love you no matter what. Bony ass, big ass. It doesn't matter. And I can't wait until you are big and pregnant." He told her as he rubbed her hand.

Meredith dropped her head. His words stung. Big and pregnant. That scared her. The thought of another loss scared her. It was obvious that he still wanted kids. And she still wanted them too. But she couldn't go through the pain again. She couldn't take that again. The pain, the stress. The loss was too much. Her stomach began to knot up.

"When you are ready, of course." Derek said as he grabbed the bag of food and handed it to her.

"Thank you." She said as she grabbed the bag and began eating fries.

Derek drove in silence. He didn't realize that his comment would bother her. It was too soon. It hadn't been that long, but it had been long enough. Or so he thought. Appareantly not. She was still suffering the loss of their children. He began to feel bad himself as he thought about it. They would have children. Two children. She would almost be in her last trimester by now, and their other child would be almost fourteen years old. He could sympathize with her pain. It was his too.

"Okay... You pack and I will eat." She said happily as she sat at his kitchen table.

"I want to eat too." He said simply as he sat with her. "Hey! Where are my fries?" He asked in shock as he looked in the bag.

"I kind of ate them." She said as she dropped her head.

"You are a pig!" He said as he shook his head and took a bite of his burger.

"Sorry. I'm hungry." She told him with a shrug as she took a big sip of her milkshake. She sat it on the table and Derek snatched it up. "Hey!" She said as she looked a him.

"You ate my fries, I drink some of your shake." He told her as he sat it back down.

"Fine." She grumbled as she rolled her eyes. Derek took the last bite of his sandwich and looked around. "Go... Go pack." She said with a nod as she pulled a pickle off of her sandwich and ate it.

"I am not kissing you after that." He said as he shook his head and pointed to the burger.

"Your loss." She said with a smile as she took another bite.

Meredith sat there and looked at the cold apartment. All she saw was black and stainless steel everywhere. It was not personal. Everything was uniform. It was like her apratment. No attachment to anything. All these years, they had lived so similarly.

"Okay." Derek said with a smile as she stoof up.

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked around.

"This is it." Derek said as he pointed at two boxes on the floor.

"What do you mean, this is it?" She asked in shock.

"The apartment was furnished. This is all my stuff." He said with a shrug.

"You ass!" She yelled as she swatted at him.

"What?" He asked as he looked at her with a smirk.

"You've been moved it!" She shouted.

"Ah... Now you catch on." He laughed as he picked up a box.

"I can't believe you! I thought I was making a big step! And you- Ahh!" She shouted. "You tricked me."

"Are you mad, baby?" Derek asked as he cocked his head.

"Yes!" She said as she pouted. "I thought I was making steps. I thought we were- Ahh!" She said as she shook her head.

"Are you going to kick me out? If so, I will just set this box back down and unpack!" He laughed.

"Oh am I going to kick you, Derek. Just not out." She said as she pushed him back on the sofa. "And I will hurt your balls too." She said with a smirk as she leaned in and kissed him. He moaned as he tongue slid into his mouth.

"Oh... Pickles and onions... Not so great." He said as he made a sour face.

"You are an ass. You are lucky I love you." Meredith said with a smile.

"Yes, yes I am." He agreed as he pulled him against him.


	79. Talking

Thanksgiving was looming in Derek's head. Meredith was dead set on not going. He had no idea why. She claimed that it would be too much. To see his family. To have them see her again. she was just so apprehensive. But Derek knew how it would be. His mother adored Meredith. And his sisters always treated her like a sister. They always told her she was just too good and too cute for him. But yet, she didn't want to go.

The only thing that came to mind for him was Kristy. Meredith didn't seem jealous of Kristy. It was more like she felt inferior. Kristy was a great woman. Forgiving. Loving. But she wasn't the woman for him. Meredith was. And Derek knew that Meredith was insane if she felt as if Kristy were better than her on any level. Because to him, Meredith was definitely the best in every from.

Derek walked down the hallway with charts in his hand. It was a busy day. He had beck to back cases. And Meredith was just as busy in her own OR. They were working. There were doing what they loved. It couldn't get much better. To work with someone you love, and have the chance to see them throughout the day. And then to go home and lay in their arms. Not to mention they both knew how demanding their profession was. Derek felt the familiar vibrating of his cell phone. He unclipped it from his belt and read the screen. Linda Shepherd. Mother. He quickly sent it to voicemail.

Several minutes later, Derek felt the phone vibrate again. She left a voicemail. He knew he was pushing it to the limit. He didn't have time to talk to her. And he didn't have time to explain what was going on. It was a lack of time and a lack of effort. And he was happy in his Meredith bubble. He quickly put the phone to his ear and braced himself.

"Derek Michael! This is unbelievable. How could you do this? That woman gave you three good years! And now you divorce her? She was the best thing that has happened to you. She stood by you. And let's face it, you haven't exactly been the most pleasant man in the world. I think you have made a big mistake, son. And to top it off, I had to hear about it from Mark! What kind of child have I raised? You never call. You don't tell me what is going on... And now I am talking to your voicemail. No, no I'm not." Linda Shepherd said as she hung up the phone.

Derek stood there with a frown on his face. Damn Mark told his mother about the divorce. Now Linda was really pissed. Not only about the divorce, but about the fact that she didn't hear it from her own son. Yes, Derek Shepherd has screwed up. And he knew it.

"Shit." He muttered as he shut the phone.

He should call her back. He really needed to call her back. But he was late for surgery. He was always late for something. You would think she would know that by now. Her children were doctors. She should know that they are swamped. She should know that their lives are no longer their own. He drew in a deep breath as he turned off his phone and walked towards the operating room.

"Hey man." Mark said with a grin as he walked towards Derek.

"You are a dead man." Derek grumbled as he kept walking.

He was pissed. Really pissed. Who did Mark think he was, telling his mother about the divorce. It was not his to tell. He was making a big mess out of an already sticky situation. Derek knew how much Linda loved Kristy. But she loved Meredith more. And Derek didn't want to just throw Meredith on her. He didn't wanted to do it just right.

"Me? What did I do?" Mark asked offensively.

"What did you do? You called mom and told her I got a divorce. I didn't even tell her yet. And Meredith... She is my mother, Mark. Why exactly are you calling her?" Derek snapped quickly.

"Okay. First of all, this is not coming down on me. You are the one who doesn't call your mother. And she is my mom too. Not to mention, I did not call her. She called me. To make sure you were still alive." Mark said as he walked up to him.

"Shit... You're right." Derek said with a sigh. "I should have called her. I've just been busy. And I have been waiting for the right way to tell her about Meredith. And it hasn't come along yet."

"So she doesn't know about Meredith?" Mark asked with raised brows.

"No. And it isn't something I want to tell her over the phone." Derek said quickly. "All I know, is mom is pissed. Really pissed. At me."

"She acted fine when I talked to her." Mark pointed out. "Maybe she will be fine. She is just tired of you not talking to her."

"Because she didn't want you to know that I hadn't told her yet. You know mom..." Derek said quickly. "I just know that she is pissed."

"And that is never a good thing." Mark said with a chuckle.

"You have that right." Derek said with a laugh as he walked away.

Derek felt better as he walked away. Mark was right. Derek knew Mark was right. He had been horrible about contacting his family. After he thought Meredith died, he became withdrawn from everything. From everyone. And then his mom forced her way back into his life. She pushed him towards Kristy. Even if it was out of the greatest intentions, it still wasn't right. Derek didn't regret Kristy. He just wished he had found Meredith sooner. But at least they had now.

"Hey." Meredith said as she jogged up beside Derek.

"Hey." Derek responded with a grin as he looked over at her.

"So... How is your day going?" Meredith asked as she walked beside him.

"Good. Not bad..." Derek told her softly. "What about you?"

"Gunshot to the chest. Good stuff." She told him happily.

"I bet." Derek told her with a smile. "I was supposed to be in the OR fifteen minutes ago."

"So I guess the on-call room is out of the question." Meredith said with a frown.

"It is... But believe me, I would much rather be in the on-call room with you." Derek told her happily

"And it would have been good." Meredith teased as she kissed his face.

"Don't tell me that." Derek said as he shook his head. "Not before surgery. I might have to rush."

"There is always tonight." Meredith told him with a wink as they approached the scrub room.

"Is that a promise?" He asked with a smile as he started to open the door.

"Maybe..." She said with a wink.

"Oh... We need to talk tonight." Derek told her as he propped the door with his foot. "I'll grab some enchiladas on the way home."

"Okay." Meredith said hesitantly.

Meredith's stomach felt like it was going to boil over. She was sick. Literally sick. She quickly ran over to the nearest wastebasket and retched. We need to talk. What was there to talk about? Did she do something wrong? He was so serious. We need to talk. This was not good. Not good at all. Meredith heard her pager go off. It was 911. Off to save a life. And now, after what Derek had said... She was hoping it wasn't her own.

-----------------

Meredith gripped her steering wheel. We have to talk. Those words streamed through her mind like never ending movie credits. He was so serious. She couldn't help but wonder if he felt like they had made a mistake. She wondered if he wished he hadn't moved in. Or maybe if he was regretting something he said. She hated that she did this. She hated that she always doubted things that she knew were rock solid.

The apartment was dark when Meredith got home. It seemed Mark rarely came home. Meredith wondered why he even stayed there. She knew that he and Kristy seemed to be moving forward. But Kristy swore there was no sex. And if she said there wasn't, Meredith believed her. Mark was like a brother. And Meredith would hate to see him go. But she also knew he couldn't stay forever.

The hours passed. Hour one she took a bath. It was relaxing, but it definitely didn't ease her mind. The only thing it helped was her aching back and sore shoulders. No, the wheels were still spinning. Hour two, just brought more uneasiness. Now he wasn't coming home. That was not good. And by hour three, she had given up. She laid back in her chair and let the exhaustion that comes from standing in the OR for eight hours take over.

"Hey." Derek said softly as he walked up and pecked a kiss on Meredith's sleeping head.

"Mmm..." She moaned as she stirred away. "Hey..."

"I got pulled into emergency surgery." Derek explained as he pulled his shoes off.

"How did it go?" Meredith asked as she blinked her eyes tiredly.

"He made it." Derek said with a nod as he sat down on the sofa.

Meredith laid her head to the side as she began to drift off to sleep. But then it hit her. He wanted to talk. That thing. The thing that had been making her ill most of the day. That horrible thing. The unknown topic of conversation. And now it was time to face the music.

"What's the matter?" Derek asked as he looked at her pale face.

"What is it?" She asked as she looked at him.

"What is what?" Derek asked her as he looked into her worried eyes.

"What do you want to talk about. Today, you said we needed to talk." She said in a near panic.

"Mer... You look like you are going to cry." He said in shock as he walked over and swooped her up. He walked over to the sofa and held her. "What's the matter?"

"You're having doubts, aren't you?" Meredith asked as her face puckered up.

"Doubts? Doubts about what?" Derek asked as he stroked her face.

"Us." She said as a tear fell down her cheek.

"No. Oh god no." Derek said softly as he kissed her face.

"Then what is it?" She asked with a frown.

"It can wait until tomorrow..." He said as he held her.

"No it can't. I have been sick all day. I need to know!" She said as she pulled away.

"I want to go to my mother's for Thanksgiving. And I want you to come. I can't make you go. I know I can't make you. But Mer, I want you to. I need you to. I haven't been there since you and I went." He explained.

"What?" She asked in shock. "Why?"

"I pulled away. I couldn't bear not having you. So I would hide away. They would see me... They just wanted to fix me. They didn't understand what I needed. So I didn't go. Kristy would go to her family's and I would work. I always made sure I was working. And I know how much it would mean to my mom if we went. So please, Mer. Go home with me. " Derek said as he cocked his head.

"That was it? That was why I was sick all day?" She asked in shock. "Seriously." She said in disgust.

"What..." He said with a chuckle.

"Don't laugh!" She said as she smacked him playfully.

"You have nothing to worry about. Nothing I say will ever hurt you. Not intentionally. I will always protect you." He said as he kissed her on the head. "Always."

"Okay..." She said softly.

"Okay you'll go?" He asked with a hopeful grin.

"Okay I'll go." She replied.

"Thank you." He said as he kissed her head.

"Let's go to bed." Meredith said with a smile.

"No sex?" He asked with a frown.

"If you want me to fall asleep on your dick." Meredith said with a giggle.

"You won't." He laughed.

"I might. And I think me falling asleep on your dick may constitute as blue balling." She said as she stumbled to their room.

"How so?" Derek asked.

"I may not finish the job. Do you like things half done?" She asked as she looked down at him.

"Goodnight." He grumbled, feigning disappointment.

"Goodnight." She said as she spooned against him.


	80. Sanctuary

Meredith jerked awake when she heard the loud blaring of her pager. She could swear that she had just laid down. She felt like she had just gone to bed. Meredith looked at the red numbers on her clock. Three am. She grabbed the pager off of her night stand. 911. She looked up at the window. The lightning was shooting across the sky. The perfect night to be out.

"Where are you going?" Derek grumbled as Meredith pulled away from his warm body.

"911." Meredith moaned as her feet hit the floor.

"They will be fine..." He whined as he pulled the blankets up. "Santos can handle it."

"Oh yes... And if it were me... If I were dying... You would want the surgeon to sleep, right? I was paged for a reason." She muttered as she pulled her jeans on.

"But we were sleeping." Derek moaned as he rolled over.

"Life of a surgeon." Meredith said softly. "See you later." He said as she walked up and gave him a soft kiss on the head.

Meredith drove quickly to the hospital. This was the only time she hated her job. She hated getting pulled away from her warm bed. She hated being pulled from Derek's arms when she was completely content and comfortable. The roads were slippery from the pouring rain as she pulled up to the light. She was going too fast. She was in too much of a hurry.

All she heard was squealing tires and car horns. Meredith's Jeep came to a sliding stop in the middle of the intersection. Her heart started to beat rapidly. She couldn't breath. She struggled to take in the oxygen that she needed. Her legs went numb. Her arms went numb. Everything went black.

Meredith awoke to a soft tapping on her diver's side window. She looked up in shock as she saw an officer standing at her window. She passed out. She couldn't believe it. She felt sick as she looked around. Her car was in the middle of the intersection. She took in a deep breath as she quickly pressed the button, rolling down her window.

"Ma'am, is everything okay here?" He asked as he looked around the car.

"My car... It slid. The rain." She said quickly as she looked up at him.

"Ma'am, have you been drinking?" He asked as he looked at her.

"No! I just woke up. I'm on my way to work." She said as she looked at the clock in her car.

"I'm going to need you to pull to the side of the road. We need to do a sobriety check." He told her frankly.

"I haven't been drinking! I need to get to work. I got a 911 page. This person could be dying. This could be your mom. Do you want your mom to die?" Meredith snapped loudly.

"Pull over to the side." He demanded as he walked back to his car.

Meredith felt sick. She actually passed out in a very dangerous spot. Her car could have been smashed. She was in the middle of the intersection in the rain. At night. Her hands started to shake as reality set in. Then she thought of her page. And of the patient. She quickly pulled to the curb. She threw he car in park and began to get out.

"Hey! I didn't ask you to get out of the car!" He said loudly as he pulled his gun.

"Please, I really need to go." Meredith said as she stood there.

"Hands against the car." He told her as he walked up.

"Seriously?" Meredith snapped as she turned around.

"Hey!" The officer yelled as he shoved her against the car. Meredith's head hit the side.

"You don't understand... I need to get to work." She said softly.

"Ma'am. Your car just sat in the middle of an intersection for three minutes. Something is not right here." He said frankly. "Either you have been drinking..."

"I panicked. I heard the tires and I panicked." She explained as he patted her down.

The officer took Meredith through a field sobriety test. She felt stupid as she stood on the side of the road. Everyone that passed she was sure was watching her. Of course she passed the test and the officer looked at her in shock. He wasn't expecting her to check out.

"I am just very tired." Meredith explained.

"Okay. Where are you on your way to?" The officer asked as he studied her eyes.

"Seattle Grace Hospital." She said quickly.

"I will follow you there." He said with a nod. "I don't think I need to tell you not to drive when you feel impaired." He said with a clenched jaw.

"Of course not." Meredith said quickly as she stood there.

"You are just lucky you weren't hurt." He told her. "Is your head okay?"

"Yes." Meredith said as she touched her head.

"Okay. You said you needed to go..." He said apologetically.

"Thank you." Meredith said with a slight smile as she climbed back into her car.

Meredith drove down the road with white knuckles. She watched the office in her rearview mirror. She felt so foolish. What a waste of time. As she pulled into the parking lot she watched the officer pull away. Still shaky she walked into the hospital.

"Grey! Where the hell have you been?" Dr. Bailey said as she marched up. "I paged you over an hour ago! I was minutes away from paging Santos. And I don't think santos would be very happy if he had to come in after I already called you." She snapped as they rushed along.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Bailey. I came a quickly as I could." Meredith explained as they walked up to Ellen Pierce.

"What was so important that you couldn't get here in a reasonable amount of time?" Miranda snapped as approached.

"I was almost in an accident." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Well, Dr. Pierce has been running tests." Miranda said quickly. "I hope you can take over from here."

"Okay... Let me see." Meredith said as she looked at the x-ray. "Let me see his panel." Meredith muttered as she held out her hand. "Did you do an MRI?"

"Yes." Ellen said as she handed her the disk. "MRI is backed up."

"At three am, MRI is backed up?" Meredith asked as she popped it into the computer. "Oh... Get an OR now. He has an aortic tear." Meredith told her as she rushed off to change into her scrubs.

"Am I scrubbing in?" Ellen asked as she looked up.

"What do you think?" Meredith snapped as she hurried down the hallway.

Meredith quickly pulled on her scrubs and rushed down the hall. Any exhaustion she was feeling was now gone. Now she was running on pure adrenaline. The hospital wasn't busy. Hers was the only OR that was scheduled. She had to roll her eyes. MRI was backed up. Meredith knew better. That was a lie.

"Okay... Thanks for coming, everyone... Let's do this." Meredith said as she pulled her gloves on.

Ellen watched as Meredith made her cut. She watched the way her slender finger pressed down on the scalpel. She watched the way she pressed down on the flesh. Meredith knew just how deep to go. She was always text book. She was always perfect. Ellen couldn't help but feel jealous. She was envious. Meredith had Adrien de Gaulle. She had him, and threw him away. And then she managed to steal Derek Shepherd from his wife. And she was the daughter of one of the best General Surgeons in the world. Yes, Ellen Pierce had a reason to be jealous.

"Hello? Dr. Pierce... Are you asleep?" Meredith snapped. "I have asked you three times to retract!"

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey." Ellen said as she looked up.

"You know, I was pulled out of my warm bed for this. And I am fairly certain you were getting a good night's rest in an on-call room. So, I would think you could imagine a small task such as retracting!" Meredith said quickly. "Where the hell did you go to medical school?"

"Washington." Ellen said meekly.

"Well, maybe you need to return there." Meredith said frankly. "Do you see the tear?" Meredith asked as she looked down.

"Yeah. Right there." Ellen said as she looked down.

"I need suction." Meredith said quickly. "Around the site... By looking at you, I'd think you were a dental hygienist."

"I'm doing the best I can." Ellen snapped as she looked up at Meredith.

"Well, I need you to do better or get out." Meredith told her frankly.

Ellen stood there and stewed. She was mad. She was angry. She felt like Meredith was picking on her. She knew how Meredith Grey was. But at the same time, she felt like she alienated her. She felt like she was shoving her off. Ellen Pierce wasn't going to be humiliated.

"Pierce!" Meredith said loudly. "Retract. You know what... Never mind. Betty, please take over. Pierce...out." Meredith said loudly.

"I am doing my job." Ellen spat as she looked up.

"Oh really? So you're saying that the surgical area is wide open for me to work?" Meredith asked as she glanced up. "It doesn't look like it."

"You don't have to be nasty to me because you were pulled out of your so-called warm bed with McDreamy." Ellen said loudly. "Unless of course, you weren't... Maybe being his mistress isn't working out for you after all?"

"Excuse me?" Meredith said in shock as she looked up. "Out. Out and you find Dr. Bailey. Let her know that I need to speak to her as soon as I am out of surgery."

"Unbelievable." Betty said as she shook her head.

"I know... She did actually say that, right?" Meredith asked in shock.

"She had no right." Betty said as she shook her head.

"I'm not his mistress." Meredith said quickly.

"No need to explain, Dr. Grey." Betty said with a nod.

Meredith was steaming mad as she worked. The scrub nurses were in shock. They couldn't believe that Ellen Pierce had talked to Meredith like that. She disrespected a surgeon in her own operating room. It was unheard of. Meredith was mad. And she was going to make sure ellen was punished.

"You needed me, Dr. Grey?" Miranda asked as she walked into the scrub room where Meredith was scrubbing out.

"Ellen Pierce." Meredith said with a clenched jaw. "She was totally disrespectful in my OR today." Meredith said with a frown. "Apparently she doesn't want to learn. She thinks she knows more than I do. She attacked me personally. Her level of professionalism is off the chart. "

"I will handle it." Miranda said with a nod as she she walked out.

Meredith shook her head as she stood outside of the locker room. She didn't want to deal with this. She didn't want to pick on her intern. But is seemed since everything happened with Adrien, Ellen had become more and more defiant. She grumbled as she looked at the clock. It was already time for rounds.

"Hey." Derek said with a smile as he walked up to her and he interns.

"Hey." Meredith muttered as she looked up at him.

"How was the surgery?" Derek asked quietly.

"Hell. Not the patient. We will talk about it later." Meredith said with a sigh as she turned towards him.

"What happeded yo your head?" Derek asked as he placed his hand over the red mark.

"Bumped it. It's nothing." She said simply as she pulled away.

"Are you sure?" He asked as he touched her cheek.

"It's fine." She told him quickly.

"Lunch." Derek said with a smile. "Be there." He told her as he kissed her on the cheek.

"Okay." Meredith replied with a nod.

Derek walked around the corner. He needed to call his mother. He needed to tell her that he was sorry for not telling her. That he was sorry for her having to hear it from Mark. He drew in a deep breath as he pushed send and sat down in his chair. Voicemail. He couldn't help but think that she was doing this on purpose.

"Hey mom... It's- It's Derek. I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I wish you hadn't heard about the divorce from Mark. You should have heard it from me. I have been busy... I know that is no excuse. But it's been crazy around here. A lot has happened in the past few months. And the divorce... it needed to be done. It was time. It was over. I want to come home for Thanksgiving. I'll be there on Thursday. And I am bringing someone with me. It's a long story. A lot has happened. Please call me back." Derek said as he hung up the phone. He sighed deeply as he sat there. She was really mad.

----------------

"Rounds..." Meredith said quickly as she looked at her interns.

"Where is Pierce?" Dina Eastman asked as she looked at Meredith.

"She left." Danny Carter said as he looked up.

"Left? Now she is really-" Weathers started.

"Dr. Pierce has been suspended." Meredith told them as she looked up. "And unless you want to be, I suggest your asses get in gear."

All of the interns looked up in shock. Meredith marched off to the first patient's room. she was actually surprised that Miranda Bailey had suspended her. Apparently she had talked to the staff that had been in the operating room at the time. Yes, Ellen Pierce was punished. But it was Meredith who would suffer. Not now. Maybe not tomorrow. But eventually. Eventually she would.

**So Meredith panicked. Apparently the accident still affects her. And she isn't prepared to share it with Derek. She knows he carried enough guilt. But will it get worse?? Review please!**


	81. OnCall Room Fun

Meredith sat down in the chair across from Kristy. She was tired. She was grumpy. Her body was killing her. She was ready to go home, and she knew that wasn't happening any time soon. She felt like she had been working for days. She had been working for days. And she hadn't had a good night's sleep. She wanted Derek. She wanted to lay in the comfort of his arms. She needed a break.

"Ah..." Meredith moaned as she twisted from side to side in her chair.

"What's wrong?" Kristy asked as she looked across the lunch table.

"My back is killing me." Meredith said as she winced.

"I'm sorry." Kristy replied sympathetically as she took a bite of her past.

"That is what six hours in the operating room gets you." Meredith told her frankly.

"I imagine it would." Kristy told her with a nod. "So I heard that Pierce was suspended today?"

"Yeah. She was." Meredith told her with a frown. "She has been disrespectful from the beginning. Always distracted. Always interested in everything else. But lately it has gotten worse. She verbally attacked me in my OR."

"I never did like her. She thinks she's something great." Kristy said with a nod. "So what did she say?"

"Oh... She made a comment about me being Derek's mistress." Meredith said as she shook her head. "But that wasn't the problem. The problem is that she wasn't doing her job. I had to ask her to retract six times. I don't know... She hasn't been on top of her game."

"Well, she was really jealous when you were Adrien. I remember the nurses talking about it. She was bound and determined to snag him." Kristy pointed out. "And now... It looks like she is after Derek."

"No she's not." Meredith said as she shook her head. "Not him... Why do you say that? What have you heard?"

"Nothing. She just seems to want what you have. No matter what it is." Kristy said as she rolled her eyes.

"You know... I think she called Derek McDreamy last night." Meredith said as she started to laugh.

"McDreamy?" Kristy laughed as soda shot out of her mouth.

"Yeah... I know." Meredith giggled. "I just hope she realizes she can't sleep her way to the top. That will never work."

"Oh, occasionally it does. But it never lasts." Kristy said with a nod.

"I'm not going to worry about it. She is the least of my worries. Bailey turned me down today. She won't let me have Thanksgiving off." Meredith said as she sat back.

"Oh shit. Derek isn't going to be very happy." Kristy said with a frown.

"No he isn't." Meredith said with a frown. "But there is nothing I can do..."

"You didn't plan this?" Kristy asked with a sly smirk.

"Of course not!" Meredith feigned shock. "No... I really didn't plan this. Although it would have been an excellent plan." Meredith explained with a nod.

"Sure..." Kristy told her as she shook her head.

"So... Enough about me. How are you and Mark?" Meredith questioned her with raised eyebrows and a smile.

"Mark and I... What do you mean?" Kristy asked simply.

"I know there is something going on. Mark doesn't come home very often anymore." Meredith pointed out.

"Well, we are just friends." Kristy muttered as she took another bite. "Okay... Really good friends."

"No sex?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"No." Kristy looked up at Meredith, who didn't look convinced. "I swear... There has been no sex."

"Oh god. Just do him already. He is really good..." Meredith said with a nod.

"What? Oh god... You and Mark?" Kristy asked as she dropped her head. Meredith grinned as she looked up. Kristy's face dropped. Meredith began to laugh.

"Are you kidding me?" Meredith said as she shook her head. "No, Kris. Mark and I? Never. But I have heard. And heard. And heard. I lived with him. I know things I wish I didn't... So no, Mark is definitely not on my short list."

"Short list? Do you have a long and a short one?" Kristy asked as she busted out with laughter. "Please tell me Mark is on the long list! The very long list."

"Long and short!" Meredith laughed. "No. Not like that... Short because there aren't many guys on it." Meredith explained as she quit laughing.

"Really? You?" Kristy asked with surprise.

"Yeah, me." What the hell is that suppsed to mean?" She asked.

"Nothing. You are just... Guys are interested." Kristy pointed out.

"Well... It was a rough many years. There have only been four." Meredith said with a shrug.

"Four!" Kristy asked in shock. "Four guys? That's it?"

"Uh huh. Derek. And then their were two drunken mistakes in college. Depression induced, of course. And then... Adrien." Meredith said as she took a deep breath.

"But you knew Derek before- Derek was your first!" She said in disbelief.

"Yeah, he was." Meredith said with a smile.

"Wow... That is crazy. He took it. And now you are with him. God, my first... I definitely wouldn't want to end up with him." Kristy said with a nod. "I just- I can't believe that. Derek was your first..."

"So how many for you?" Meredith asked her, referring to the number of guys.

"Twelve." Kristy said with a smile.

"Not bad... Not bad at all." Meredith said with a giggle.

Meredith glanced up. She could see Derek making his way to the lunch line. McDreamy was a good name for him. He was totally and completely dreamy. Hers and Kristy's conversation brought back a lot of good memories. Her mind drifted off to that first night with him. He made her feel things she never thought she could. And even the pain was minimal. Not because of his size. His size was more than generous. It was the way her cared. He was gentle. Even though he didn't know he was her first, he was still kind. He was the perfect lover

Meredith still couldn't believe the attraction she had for Derek. She had no control of herself. Not back then, and not now. It was an attraction that was stronger than anything she had ever felt. She needed him. She truly needed him to live. She smiled as he walked up. It was a dirty smile. It was the smile that they only shared.

"What are we talking about?" Derek asked with a chuckle as he walked up to the table.

"Oh nothing..." Meredith said softly.

"She was telling me about you taking her virginity." Kristy said with a smirk. Derek looked up at both of them is shock.

"I was not. I was not telling anything. That was it. Just that." Meredith told him quickly.

"Are you embarrassed?" Kristy asked as she looked at both of them.

"Let's not talk about it." Derek said quickly as he looked at Meredith and changed the subject. "You have a bruise." Derek said as he touched her head softly.

"I'm okay." Meredith told him with a nod.

"What happened to you?" Derek asked as he looked it over.

"My head hit the car. It was nothing." She said simply.

They never lied. Their relationship was incredibly strong. And that was why. It was the honesty. She wouldn't lie to him. If he asked her exactly what happened, she would never lie. But if she could just tell partial truth. Just snippets. If she could leave out information, she would.

Meredith didn't want him to know what happened. She didn't want to tell him how the sound of squealing tires scared her so badly that she passed out. Or that her car slid into the center of the road into certain danger. Had it been any other time of the day, she was certain the outcome would have been much worse. Meredith knew that Derek carried around a hefty load of guilt with him. He was driving. It was obvious that he blamed himself for what happened that day. And she did everything she could to convince him otherwise. She knew that it was the truck driver's fault. But Derek figured if she had been driving, maybe things would have been different.

Derek had no idea how she felt. He didn't know that every single time she climbed into a car, whether it was hers or with someone else, it scared the hell out of her. She always drew in a deep breath at intersections. And when the conditions were bad, her hips, back and legs throbbed from her nerves. Cars scared her. And they scared her more than he would know.

"You hit the car? You poor thing." Derek said as he rubbed it again.

"I'm fine." Meredith said with a smile as she pulled away. "Oh... By the way..."

"Oh no. Here it goes." Kristy said with a laugh.

"What?" Derek asked with concern.

"I can't go with you. Thanksgiving... I have to work." Meredith said with a frown.

"Funny." Derek said with a laugh. He quickly studied her face. "You're serious! Did you plan this? Is this your way of getting out of going?"

"No!" Meredith said with a giggle. "Seriously, no. I talked to Bailey. Santos is taking the day off and she needs a resident. And me being across the country doesn't fit into that plan." Meredith said simply. "And it's killing me... Man... I wanted to go so badly." She said as her smirk grew.

"Shit!" Derek muttered.

Of course it had to go like this. He was actually going to go home for Thanksgiving. The first time in fourteen years, and now they couldn't. And now he had called his mother and told her he was coming. This was a mess. He was not going without her. He wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her. The last time he actually enjoyed it was with her. And she was the thing that he was most thankful for. No, he had to do something about that.

"No. We are going. Santos owes me. I stayed for his surgery the other night. He owes me." Derek grumbled.

"Oh. Good." Meredith said simply.

"Don't you worry baby... We are going home for Thanksgiving." Derek said as he gave her a smirk. "So you had your intern suspended?" Derek asked with raised eyebrows.

"I didn't have her suspended. I let Dr. Bailey deal with her." Meredith explained.

"What did she do?" Derek asked with surprise as he looked at her.

"She was just being an idiot. She wasn't paying attention to what she was doing." Meredith said with a shrug.

"Well, you can't have that." Derek said simply. Meredith's pager went off.

"Crap." She muttered as she looked down at it. "I have to go."

"Are we going out for dinner tonight?" Derek asked as she stood up.

"Nope. I'm here for the night." She said with a shrug as she kissed him softly. "See you later."

"Is she okay?" Derek asked as Meredith disappeared around the corner.

"I think so." Kristy said with a shrug.

"She just seems off today. A little worried..." Derek told her as he finished Meredith's salad.

"She said her back was hurting..." Kristy mentioned as she sat there.

"I feel bad for her..." Derek explained softly. "She has been through a lot. Mentally and physical. She has so much metal in her. Pins everywhere."

"It's not your fault, Derek." Kristy said quickly.

"I just don't like to see her in pain. And I know she is really worried about going to mom's..." Derek said with a frown.

"She will be okay." Kristy told him with a nod.

"I hope so." Derek said with a shrug. "I hope so..."

-------------------

Meredith stumbled into an on-call room. She was exhausted. It seemed like the day went on forever. It was procedure after procedure. Every time she turned around her interns were whining or wanting to know what to do. And then it seemed like she was getting called to the pit every ten minutes. It was a busy day and he back and body were screaming at her. The bed never looked so good.

Derek slowly opened the door. The room was dark and her could hear Meredith's faint snoring. He glanced up, seeing a figure on the top bunk. He quickly flipped the lock on the door and pulled his shoes off. Derek didn't get to sleep with her last night. He wanted to hold her in his arms. He needed her in order to get a good night's sleep. She shifted as he crawled into bed.

"Hey." She said softly as she looked into his eyes.

"Hey." Derek replied as he kissed her softly. "I talked to Santos. He had agreed to be on-call. So, we are going."

"Oh..." Meredith told him with a nod.

"It will be fine." He reassured her as he caressed her face.

"I hope so." Meredith replied as she drew in a deep breath. "It's just- It's been a long time. And I know Linda likes Kristy. And I just... It will be awkward."

"Yes. It probably will be. Not so much awkward... Just- We will be fine. I will be there with you..." He said as he kissed her.

"This is why I love you." Meredith said with a smile as she kissed him deeper.

"I need you." Derek whispered into her ear.

Meredith smiled as she pulled off her scrub top. Derek quickly pulled his own clothing off. He covered her mouth with his as his tongue slid in. Their tongues danced as Derek's hands moved to her back and unclasped her bra. He slid it down, and ran the palms of his hands over her nipples. His mouth trailed down her neck. Derek moaned as he sucked on her chest.

"Shit." He said softly as he took her nipple in his mouth and bit down.

"I want you." He told softly as he kissed her softly on her lips.

He could feel her warm flesh. His mouth slowly began sucking on her neck, tasting her sweet flesh on his tongue. He could taste the lavender on her skin. She moaned as he nipped and sucked, pulling on her softly. His mouth trailed down. He sighed as he looked the perfect breasts, teasing him. His mouth instantly went to each one, teasing and sucking them into hardened peaks.

"Oh..." She moaned as his teeth squeezed gently. She felt his tongue move down and suck on her navel. Meredith felt her body tingle as he pulled off her scrub pants and panties. "Just fuck me, please."

"Of course." Derek said quickly as he slid over her.

"Please..." She moaned as she spread her legs as wide as she could. He gently pushed her knees up and entered her slowly.

"Oh my god!" She gasped as she felt his thick cock slowly penetrate her. She immediately felt herself turn warm.

"Damn...you are tight." He said with a grin as he slid himself in and out of her, his hands on either side of her body. "Oh..." He moaned. "Tight!" He moaned as he struggled to push and pull. She gasped as she felt his length reach deeper and farther as she spread her knees. Her hands grasped behind his head and ran through his hair.

"Derek... Oh God... Derek..." She said loudly as he quickened his pace.

"Shhhhh..." Derek whispered into her ear as he remembered the person sleeping above them. "You have to be quiet..."

"Oh my..." She moaned softly. "Harder..."

"Meredith... Oh my... Mer..." He moaned loudly. "Shit..." He could feel her tightening around him.

"I'm... Oh god!" She shouted as she felt a rush of heat as she came around him. She grabbed onto his ass tightly as he thrust. "Harder... Shit... Don't stop." Pushing and pulling. Pushing and pulling.

"Fuck... I'm... Oh..." He grunted as he thrust into her and released. Meredith clawed his back as another wave washed over her.

"Oh my god." He said as he rolled over.

"Thank you." Meredith said with a smile as she laid there breathing hard. Meredith's attention was piqued as she heard snoring. "Derek! There is someone else in here!" She said was she quickly pulled her clothes on. She looked over at his face.

"You ass! You knew... That's why you told me to be quiet!" She said as she shook her head.

"They didn't wake up..." Derek replied with a smirk.

"Oh... I won't forget this." Meredith grumbled. They both started to laugh.

"I hope you don't." He laughed as he kissed her softly.

"Who is it?" She asked as she pointed up.

"I have no idea." Derek said with a smirk as he shook his head. Derek laid there and stared at her. She looked so tired. "You need to sleep." He told her as he kissed her head.

"Yes. Sleep is good." Meredith smiled as she nuzzled into his chest. "Sleep is so good." She muttered before falling asleep.


	82. Domestic Goddess

Meredith grabbed the plate full of hamburgers. She was cooking. Yes, cooking. She never cooked. In fact, Derek insisted she stay as far away from the kitchen as humanly possible. The only time she was to go in there was to eat or make coffee. Otherwise, she was not welcome. But Derek never said anything about the grill.

Meredith placed the plate full of beef on the grill. She fumbled around until she finally got it lit. She was cooking. She could do this. How hard was it to cook hamburgers? She grabbed her beer and sat back in a chair as the smoke rose out of the grill. Tomorrow they would be eating turkey. Tomorrow they would be going to Derek's mom's.

Meredith convinced herself that she was not going to worry about it. She wasn't going to stress out about going back there. She wasn't going to worry about how they would feel about her. Or more importantly how they felt about the absence of Kristy. She could do this. She had Derek. And she knew as long as she had him, she could do anything.

Derek pulled into his parking spot. Nothing could take the permanent smile off of his face. Not one thing. Someone could come up and spit in his face. He would still be smiling. If they stepped on his feet, he wouldn't care. He was far to happy for that. He had to celebrate. This was something worth celebrating. He was going to take Meredith out to dinner.

Derek opened the door. As he looked in, his eyes got wide. Food. There was food on the table. He glanced towards the balcony. Smoke. Not a lot. But definitely smoke. He rushed across the apartment and quickly opened the door. He had to smile. Meredith was standing there in jeans and bare feet, cooking on the grill.

"Holy shit! I thought the building was on fire." Derek joked as he walked up and threw his arms around her.

"Ass." She said as she turned and kissed him softly.

"I thought I told you that you were not allowed to cook." Derek pointed out as he hugged her tightly.

"No. You said I couldn't go in the kitchen. This is outside. And this thing here... It's a grill." Meredith said with a smile as she pointed to it. "Not a stove. Or an oven." She giggled as she flipped the burgers. "And I hope you are hungry."

"And I hope they are safe." He said with a chuckle.

"You are so mean to me." Meredith said as she pouted. "They are going to be the best you have ever had." She told him confidently.

"Hmm..." Derek said with a smirk.

"Don't do that!" Meredith said as she turned and face him.

"Do what?" Derek asked simply.

"Hmm... It's your nice way of doubting me. Just doubt me. But don't do that. You know how much I hate it!" She said as she poked his chest.

"Okay... Okay." Derek said as he kissed her softly. "But I think they are done." Derek said as he looked over her shoulder.

"No they aren't!" Meredith told him as she shook her head.

"You do realize it is freezing out here, right?" Derek asked as he threw his jacket over her.

"Yeah. But tomorrow we are having turkey and stuffing. And everything else. So I thought these would be good." Meredith explained as she threw back her beer.

"They will be." Derek agreed as he grabbed her bottle and took his own drink.

It was perfect. Meredith making hamburgers. Somehow it was so perfect. He had visions of them going out tonight. They would have lobster. And champagne. Or wine. Whatever she wanted. It would have been good. But this was just as good. This was perfect. Wherever she was, was the perfect place to be.

"Will you go get our plates ready?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Of course." Derek said as he pecked a kiss on her head and walked away.

Meredith squished the burgers down one last time to make sure they were done. She quickly placed them on the clean plate. Derek was right, it was freezing outside. But she always liked to be outside. She spent so much time in the four walls of the hospital, that the fresh air made her feel so much better.

"Did you make this?" Derek asked as he pointed to the pasta salad.

"I know you are kidding." Meredith said with a smile as she placed the plate on the counter.

"Yeah. I guess I should have known better, my little domestic goddess." He said with a laugh.

"You are so mean to me. I'm really not sure why I put up with it." Meredith said frankly.

"I don't either. You really are too good for me." He said with a chuckle as he grabbed her ass.

"I am. It's true." She agreed as she leaned back against the counter. Derek pressed himself against her.

"I have some good news." Derek said as he leaned into her.

"Do you?" Meredith asked as she looked into his deep blue eyes. "And what would that be?"

"The divorce is final. We signed the last paperwork today. I'm divorced." Derek said with a smile.

"Seriously?" She asked with a smile. Derek nodded. "So you are all mine?"

"Baby... I have always been all yours." He said as he kissed her softly. "And I always will be." He said again as he kissed her deeper.

Their tongues crashed as she pushed into him. Her hand rested on the back of his head as she ran her fingers through his curls. They rubbed and tasted as Derek's hand rested on the sides of her face. Meredith started to moan as she felt his hard member growing.

"Okay." Meredith said as she pulled away breathlessly. "We can either have sex. Or we can eat..."

"I vote for sex." Derek said quickly.

"Me too." Meredith told him happily as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

Derek walked into the bedroom and laid her down on the bed. He slowly fumbled with her jeans and slid them off. He looked down at his own hand striped. Meredith pulled off her top and bra as he stripped his shirt off. Derek leaned down and kissed her knee. He continued to peck kisses up her thigh. Meredith pulled him up towards her face.

"Get on your stomach." Meredith moaned as she looked at him.

Derek gave her a puzzled look and did as she asked. Meredith's mouth ran down Derek's well muscled back. Her tongue played and tasted his sweet flesh. As she travelled down, her hands ran over his perfect ass. Her mouth stopped on his left cheek and she bit down hard.

"I love your ass..." She said as she rubbed and squeezed it. "You make me so wet, baby." She moaned as she straddled him. He could feel her wet pussy rubbing against his ass. Derek moaned as he felt her wet lips grinding against him. She leaned down as sucked on his neck.

"And I just want to fuck you..." She said as she licked his ear. "Roll over..."

"God I need you..." Derek said as he rolled over and grabbed her, pulling her on top of him. "You need to be fucked hard." He said as she sat on his chest. He looked down her her pussy. "You need to be fucked harder than ever. You better hold on." He said quickly.

Meredith hovered over his thick cock. Derek continued to thrust towards her awaiting lips. She pulled away just as he neared. She was teasing him. He groaned as she continued her playful game. Finally he thrust upward when she wasn't expecting it. They were both sent over the edge as the tip of his cock entered her. She left herself pound down on him.

"Oh... God..." She moaned as she felt the sensations taking over her body.

"You like that baby?" He as as he trust upward.

"You better not stop!" She warned as she rocked on him.

"Oh..." Meredith moaned as she pulled and pushed, pushed and pulled on his hard cock. His thick mass slid in and out of her with ease. She worked with him as she moved her body. "Harder..." She moaned as she held his hands to steady herself.

"Harder." Derek agreed as he slammed into her, her body taking the brunt of the assault. "You are so tight..."

"Is it good?" Meredith asked loudly.

"Oh... Oh..." Derek moaned as he felt his length sliding in and out out her.

"Is it good?" Meredith asked him again as she roughly grabbed his face.

"Oh, God... It's fucking perfect!" He shouted.

"Oh God... I'm coming, Derek." She shouted. "Don't stop now!"

"Oh God, Mer... Oh God..." He yelled as he pumped harder and harder. He could feel the beads of sweat forming on her perfect body. His hands slid down her sweaty back and onto her ass.

"Oh..." She moaned as she released. Her hot walls clamped down around his cock, sending him over the edge. He shot his seeds deep inside of her with a grunt. Meredith's walls continued to milk him dry as he spurted inside of her. She finally collapsed on him and laid her head on his damp chest. "You aren't married..."

"No. No I'm not." He said as he ran his fingers through her hair. "I am all yours. Totally and completely."

-------------------

"I have to say... It's nice waking up next to a man who isn't married." Meredith said with a smile as she looked into his eyes.

"It's nice to be free." Derek told her as his kissed her softly. "So... Are you ready for this?" Derek asked as he pulled her close.

"No." Meredith replied as she nuzzled her head into his chest. "But I guess I have to be."

"I'm really happy that you are going. You don't know how much it means to me." He told her as he rubbed her shoulder.

"That's why I'm doing it. For you." She told him softly. "And we really need to get up."

"I know. But the bed it so comfortable. And you are so warm." Derek moaned as he buried his head in her hair.

"Oh... What time is it?" She asked as she pulled the covers over her head.

"Definitely time to get up. I thought we could go out for breakfast, on the way to the airport." Derek suggested as he sat up.

"Sounds good." Meredith agreed as she sat up in the bed. "I haven't packed."

"What?" Derek said in shock. "You're kidding, right?"

"No." Meredith admitted with a sheepish grin.

"You were home yesterday. For two hours." Derek said quickly. "What were you doing?"

"Stuff. I didn't want to pack. You know how much I hate packing." She whined as she pulled her robe on.

"Well, that is one thing I can't do for you." Derek pointed out.

"So true. I'm going to make some coffee. Then you could join me in the shower?" She asked with a giggle.

"No. You are going to make the coffee, and then you are going to pack. I will take a shower while you do it." He said frankly.

"Derek. You're saying you don't want sex?" She asked as she walked up and put her hand on his chest.

"I know your games, woman." Derek told her as he kissed her softly. "I know you all too well."

"I guess you do." Meredith said with a shrug.

"You are too free with your sex." Derek muttered under his breath.

"What was that? Too free with my sex?" She asked as she looked at him. "Really?"

"No." Derek said as he looked away.

"Oh, yes. That is so what you said. I guess I will have to not be so free with my sex. Maybe hold out a little more. Use it to my advantage... That's what you are saying, right?" She asked as she looked into his eyes.

"Um... No." Derek said as he winced.

"Oh... You really screwed yourself, big boy." She said with a giggle as she walked out into the kitchen.

Meredith quickly made the coffee and stood there waiting as it dripped. She needed that caffeine. She needed an iv. A caffeine drip. Finally the pot was full enough to fill her cup. Derek was right. She was avoiding packing. Maybe if she didn't pack, she wouldn't have to go. She took a big sip of her coffee and stared at the clothing in front of her.

"You haven't packed." Derek said as he walked into the closet and looked at her.

"I don't know..." She muttered as she looked at the clothing in front of her.

"We are going to be late. You are such a procrastinator." Derek said as he shook his head.

"I know." She said as she shook her head.

"What about this?" Derek asked as he held up a pink sweater.

"Oh yes. A pink sweater on Thanksgiving. The maroon one." She said as she rolled her eyes. "And those black pants." She said as she pointed to them.

Derek was he little slave. He grabbed the clothing off the hangers and started rolling it up and placing it in her suitcase. Before he knew it, he was doing it all. It was part of her plan. She stood there in the center of the large closet and commanded him. He was he little puppet. And he loved it.

"How the hell did I end up doing this?" Derek asked as he looked at the packed bag, and her standing there sipping her coffee.

"You aren't as smart as you thought, Dr. Shepherd." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"And why is that?" Derek asked as he cocked his head.

"Well, let's see here... I offered you sex. The hot bendy shower sex that you love so much. And you declined. You said I had to pack my bag. And just who got no sex and ended up packing my bag? That would be you. Not only did you deny yourself sex, but you have sabotaged sex for a long while." She said with a smirk as she walked away.

"Oh no you don't." Derek said as he pushed her down on the bed and dropped his towel. Derek undid the tie on her robe. Hie body covered hers as his hard member pressed against her hot throbbing clit.

"Oh no." Meredith said as she pushed him off. "I wasn't kidding." She told him frankly as she pushed him harder and stood.

"You're kidding, right?" He asked in shock.

"Principle, Derek." Meredith giggled as she walked into the bathroom and shut the door. "By the-" Meredith started as she opened the door. "Oh my god. Seriously?" Meredith asked as she watched him pumping his hard cock.

"Hey, if you won't give it to me... I have to give it to myself." He said quickly. "Unless you want to help me..."

"Nope. It looks like you are doing a fine job." She laughed as she shut the door and shook her head.

Meredith was still giggling when she walked out of the bathroom. She was seriously beginning to think that Derek had a problem. He definitely had a major sex problem. He was worse than a horny teenager. He always wanted sex. She grumbled as she thought about their lasted on-call room adventure. They could have gotten caught. He was getting more and more risky.

"Der..." Meredith said as she walked out of their bedroom.

"We really need to go." Derek said quickly. "I don't think we'll even have time for breakfast."

"You said we had time!" Meredith said quickly as she looked at her watch.

"Well... I may have misread the tickets." He said as he quickly threw his shoes on.

"What?" Meredith said in shock.

"We are supposed to be boarding in less than an hour." Derek muttered.

"Damn-it, Derek!" Meredith yelled.

"I'm sorry." Derek told her as he grabbed his bags. "Are you ready?"

"I guess I have to be..." She said as she grabbed her jacket and rushed out the door behind him.


	83. The Mad Dash

Meredith and Derek did a mad rush to the airport. Derek had definitely far exceeded the speed limit. Derek was so wrapped up in the fact that they were almost late, that Meredith's near panic attack went completely unnoticed. He didn't notice that when the light turned red and he hit the breaks, that she nearly had a heart attack. Or when he began passing cars, her grip on the seat was tighter. And when they pulled into the parking lot, she was still attempting to slow her breathing.

Things didn't improve much. The security at the airport was brutal. It seemed the only thing they didn't have them do was strip down naked and dance the hokey pokey. And after checking their watches, they realized that they were late. Definitely late. Both dragged their carry ons and did a dash through the airport. Derek frowned as they ran up to the gate. He rushed up and handed them the tickets.

"I'm sorry, sir... We are done boarding." She said as she looked up.

"No. I need to get on that plane." Derek said loudly as he walked up closer.

"Sir, the plane as ready to take off." She said simply as she pointed to the plane.

"Now! I need to get on that fucking thing now!" He yelled as he snapped.

Derek was in a panic. He knew his mom was mad at him. She was mad enough to not call him back. She never returned his calls. He knew that she either did not expect him to come. Or she wasn't holding out hope. And if he didn't show up at her door, he knew that she would be expecting it. It would just support her theory that he was a horrible son who had made many mistakes.

"Shut up, Derek." Meredith growled as she looked at him. "I know we are late. But is there any way that you can radio them and see if they will allow us to board?" Meredith asked sweetly.

"I suppose." She said as she walked off as sighed. "I can try. But they don't like this. They tell you to been here early for a reason."

"What was that?" Derek asked in shock.

"That was how a rational human being acts!" Meredith told him frankly. "You were scaring the poor woman." Meredith muttered as she shook her head.

"Okay. The captain will allow you on." The woman said as she opened the gate. "But you need to hurry."

"Thank you." Meredith said with a smile.

"Yes, thank you." Derek told her quickly.

Their were glares. Oh were there glares as they stepped on. Everyone was mad. They were holding up the flight. The plane was supposed to take off ten minutes ago. According to everyone on the plane, they were the enemy. They both did the walk of shame as they made it to their seats. Meredith forced Derek to put their carry ons away. She wanted to get out of the line of fire. By the looks they were getting, this would be a wonderful flight.

"I'm going to kill you." Meredith said as she clenched her jaw.

"Why?" Derek asked as he glanced up.

"Are you serious?" Meredith asked as she glare at him. "I have holes in my back right now."

"Holes... I don't see any holes." Derek replied with a chuckle as he looked at her back.

"Funny, Derek. These people were shooting us down with their laser eyes." Meredith told him.

"Oh... Give them an hour, and they will forget it even happened." Derek said with a grin. "Laser eyes..." He started to laugh.

"It's not funny." She said as she started to laugh.

"It is. All I can picture is red lasers coming out of their eyes. Like a sci-fi movie." Derek said with a chuckle. "Hey... Why are you in the window seat?" He asked as he looked over.

"Because I deserve it. If it weren't for me, we wouldn't be on this flight." She told him with a nod.

"Oh yes..." Derek said as he looked at her and smirked.

"Oh. By the way... It is not happening." Meredith told him as she looked around the plane.

"What is not happening?" He asked as the plane leveled out in the sky.

"It. It in the bathroom. So not happening." She said with a nod.

"What? But-" Derek replied in shock. All his thoughts of mile high action were just shot down my Meredith's firing squad.

"I'm too free with my sex, remember?" She asked with a chuckle. "Look who kicked their own ass."

"Cruel doesn't even begin to describe you. Evil. Rotten maybe?" Derek told her as he shook his head.

"All three." Meredith said with a smile. "Any of those would work."

"Good to know..." Derek said with a smirk as he grabbed her hand.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" The flight attendant asked as she walked up.

"Uh..." Derek said as he looked.

"Nothing they make. I'm sure they will spit in it." Meredith whispered in his ear.

"I think I'm good." Derek told the flight attendant quickly.

"Liquor. Lots of liquor." Meredith said with a grin. "Whatever you have."

"Okay." She said as she walked off.

"Meredith..." Derek said as he looked at her and frowned.

"I am going to need it." Meredith told him frankly. "And you have no right to tell me. You know I'm not ready for this and you have forced me into it. Pouted me to death. So if I want a drink, I am getting a drink." Meredith told him firmly as she looked into his eyes.

"Okay." Derek agreed as he looked down. "I just- You showing up at my mom's drunk isn't my idea of fun."

"Derek, I think you know well enough that there is not enough liquor on this plane to get me drunk." Meredith said smartly.

"Here you go, ma'am." The flight attendant said as she handed Meredith her drink.

"Thank you." Meredith said happily as she took a sip.

"You look tired." Derek stated as he rubbed tiny circles on Meredith's hand.

"I am always tired." She said frankly. "And I am so tired of being tired."

"I'm sorry..." Derek apologized as he gave her a soft kiss.

"It's just a lot right now. That's all." Meredith told him as she squeezed his hand.

"There is something more. I can see it in your face." Derek told her as he studied her.

How did he do that? How did he know? She was staying quiet. She didn't want to think about it. It had been in the back of her mind. But she was determined to not read into anything. She was not going to over analyze. She was not going to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

"I-" Meredith started as she took in a deep breath. "I stopped by the apartment. Your apartment. My dad's apartment." Meredith explained as she looked out the window.

"Oh. Was everything okay?" Derek asked as he looked at the back of her head. "Meredith..." Derek said as he pulled her over to him. "You're crying..." He said as he wiped the tears from her cheek. "What happened?"

"I went over there to see what Richard was doing for Thanksgiving. I was worried that he would be alone. She was there. My mom was there. I didn't- I could hear her. I didn't knock on the door. I didn't want to know. I didn't listen to what they were saying. I couldn't... But I think they are getting back together and I don't- It's wrong, right? I just don't want her to be happy. And I know that is so bad. But I know that he is so much better off without her." Meredith cried as she looked up.

"Oh... Meredith. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe she stopped over for the most simple reason." Derek said as he stroked her cheek.

"And what if they are getting back together?" Meredith asked.

"What if they are?" Derek asked simply. "Meredith... I know how you feel. I know that you were betrayed. And I know that you and Richard were finally about to connect after everything that has happened. But you can't help who you love. He can't help it if he loves her."

"I know..." Meredith said as she leaned her head against him. "It is so pathetic. I shouldn't even care."

"You don't need to worry about this. Not today. Wait until you know what is going on. No matter what, it will be okay. And even if they are not getting divorced, you can still have a relationship with him." Derek explained as he kissed her on the head.

"I think I am losing my mind." Meredith said with a chuckle.

"I've been thinking that for a long time." Derek joked.

"You are an ass!" Meredith said as she smacked him in the arm.

"Would you like another?" The flight attendant asked as she looked at the two of them.

"One more." Meredith said with a nod.

"I just want you to relax." Derek said with a smile. "I want you to have a good time." Derek whispered in her ear as he kissed her neck. "A very good time."

"That is not going to work." Meredith said as she pulled away. "You are insatiable!"

"I know." Derek said with a nod.

"Here you go, Ma'am." The flight attendant said as she handed her another drink.

"You're drinking vodka." Derek said as he took a sip.

"I am." Meredith said as she raised her brows. "And this is my last. So you are shit out of luck." Meredith said as she kissed him on the cheek. "But I love your enthusiasm."

"Ugh..." Derek muttered as he shook his head and grabbed his book.

Derek glanced over at Meredith. She was sleeping peacefully. The softest snore come from her as her head laid tipped to the side. Derek was feeling slightly guilty. He knew how much she didn't want to go, and yet he pressured her into it. But he was happy. He was so unbelievably happy and he wanted everyone to know about it. especially his family. The ones that gave up.

"Would you like me to get a blanket for your wife?" The flight attendant asked as she walked up.

"That would be great." Derek said as she grabbed a blanket and handed it to him.

Wife. She called Meredith his wife. And the funny thing was, he never thought of her as anything else. When he was married to Kristy, it never felt like it. He would never tell Kristy, but he considered her more of a roommate than anything else. As he covered Meredith up, he looked at her bare hand. It needed a ring. She needed a ring on that hand.

As much as Derek wanted to propose to her, he knew it wasn't the time. It was too soon after he and Kristy's divorce. And at this point, Meredith wasn't ready. She didn't take very well to change. It had to be gradual. And marriage is a big step. And he would take what they had. He would take it as long as he needed to.

"Meredith..." Derek whispered as she shook her awake.

"Hmm..." Meredith moaned as she opened her tired eyes.

"We are getting ready to land." Derek said as he rubbed her arm.

"Already?" She asked as she stretched.

"Already? You've been sleeping for hours." Derek pointed out.

"Mmm... I guess you're right." She said as she looked down at her watch. "How was the flight?"

"Boring. My girlfriend slept the whole way." He said with a chuckle as he kissed her softly.

"She must have been tired. Either that, or you are boring." Meredith giggled as she looked over at him.

Meredith and Derek made their way through the busy airport. Derek was so glad to be home. It had been forever. He had been back, but it was few an far between. When he was with Meredith, it seemed like they were always going home. Meredith adored his mother. Derek knew that Linda was the mother that Meredith never had.

As they drove down the street, Derek could see the tense look on Meredith's face. He knew how nervous she was about going back. She was afraid that they would be upset with her. He knew deep down that Meredith feared that Linda would think she was a home-wrecker. Derek knew better. He knew that all his mom wanted was for him to be happy. And he was. With Meredith he was happy.

"You will be fine." Derek said as he rubbed her hand. He turned down the familiar street. The street where he had lived all his life.

"Wow." Meredith said as she looked at the familiar two story house. "It looks the same."

"It does." Derek said disbelief as he put the car in park. "So. Are you ready?" Derek asked as he looked over.

"Uh... No. But the vodka definitely helped." Meredith said with a nod. "Okay..." She said as she took a deep breath. "Let's do this."

"Yes. Let's." Derek said with a smile as he opened his door.

-----------------

"So who do you think he is going to bring?" Nancy asked as she looked at her mother and sister.

"Probably some whore." Kathleen said smartly.

"Kathleen! That is no way to speak." Linda told her frankly. "Besides..."

"You don't think he's going to show up." Nancy said with a frown as she looked up at her mother.

"I think I am starting to give up on your brother. I guess he is happy being miserable." Linda said as she looked away. She knew if she continued to look at her daughters that the tears would fall.

"I still can't believe he divorced Kristy." Nancy stated. "She was really good to him."

"No kidding. It's not like many would put up with him." Kathleen said quickly.

"You girls... He's your brother." Linda said quickly.

"He needs to get over it. It's be what, fifteen years? He needs to move on." Kathleen told them both.

"He really loved her." Linda said sadly. "It's hard when you lose someone you love."

"Well, she's not coming back." Nancy stated frankly.

"No she's not. But maybe this new girl will be nice. Maybe we will love her. If she makes him happy..." Linda said optimistically.

"He didn't say girl. Oh my... What if Derek is- What if he's gay?" Kathleen asked. "That would explain why he has been so unhappy."

"Kath, Derek is not gay." Nancy said with a chuckle.

"And how would you know?" Kathleen asked with raised brows.

"Believe me. Unfortunately I- I spent a week with he and Meredith when they were in college. He's not gay." Nancy stated as she rolled her eyes.

"I don't want to hear that!" Linda said as she shook her head.

"Not then. But maybe after losing her, he decided to switch." Kathleen told her with a shrug.

"Your brother is not gay. And you girls will be nice. And courteous. And you will treat both of them with respect." Linda told them frankly.

"If he shows up." Nancy said with a frown.

"Exactly." Linda agreed with a deep breath. Just then, the doorbell rang.

"Who could that be?" Linda asked as she looked up. "You girls keep cooking."

Linda walked up to the door. Dinner was tomorrow. Everyone was expected tomorrow at two. She wasn't expecting anyone today. Maybe it was a delivery. Maybe it was someone selling something. Linda wiped her hands on her apron and looked through the frosty glass at two figures standing there. She took a deep breath and opened the door. Green eyes. As she stood there, her heart stopped. She felt lightheaded. Her stomach flipped. She felt herself begin to fall. Everything went black.


	84. Life Is Short

Meredith and Derek knelt down in shock. Linda had fainted. She was quite literally flat on her back. The sight of Meredith caused her to pass out. As they both tried to revive her, Nancy and Kathleen walked in. They stopped in their tracks and looked at Meredith in shock. No one spoke as Meredith began trying to wake Linda up. Then they couldn't take it any longer.

"Oh my god!" Nancy finally said.

"Meredith... You're alive." Kathleen said in shock as she held her hand over her mouth.

"Surprise." Derek said dumbly as they all looked at him. They all looked it him and glared.

Everyone's thought process was broken when Linda's eyes fluttered. She closed her eyes and then opened then fully as she looked into Meredith's. She looked confused. She was out of sorts. It seemed like forever, but it was seconds as the gray-blue eyes of Linda matched Meredith's green.

"Oh my..." Linda said, without taking her eyes away. "I'm dead..." She said in shock. "I don't understand, I was opening the door. And now... Oh dear... Meredith. You look beautiful. But I have to say I thought everything would be a lot whiter." Linda said frankly.

Derek, Nancy and Kathleen looked at each other and smirked. It wasn't funny. But at the same time, it was hilarious. The sight of Meredith caused her to think she was dead. She was laying there speaking about angels and white lights. Here she was, laying in her living room, thinking she was in the thereafter.

"Linda... I'm not dead." Meredith said quickly as she grabbed her arm.

"I hope you know how badly you hurt my son!" Linda scolded as she looked up. "He is so broken... He loved you so much."

"Linda... I'm not dead." Meredith told her again in disbelief.

"Mother." Kathleen said as she came into view. She looked up at her laughing children. Meredith backed away as she felt the lump forming in her throat.

"Mom... It's... You passed out." Nancy explained as she leaned over.

"Oh..." Linda said as she turned and sat up. "I had a dream. A vision, I guess. I saw Meredith." She said as she looked around.

"Mom... This is what- The person I brought-" Derek stammered as he looked over at Meredith. "Meredith is alive. She's been alive. It's a long story."

"What!" Linda said as she looked around. She looked at Meredith's sad face, in shock. "You just let me think I was dead?" She asked in disbelief. "And laughed?"

"You didn't tell her?" Meredith shouted as she looked at Derek in disbelief.

Derek looked between the two women. They both had looks of anger and hurt on their faces. He messed up. He knew he should have told Linda. But that wasn't something he wanted to tell her over the phone. And even less did he want to tell her on her voicemail. He wasn't expecting it to have this outcome. He sighed as he looked back and forth. His eyes got wide as he he saw it coming. He felt two firm punches, one on each arm.

"Ass!" Meredith shouted loudly as she stood up.

"Unbelievable!" Linda said loudly as she also stood.

"I- I'm sorry." Meredith cried as she looked around the room. "I knew I shouldn't have come." She said as she she rushed up the stairs to where she knew Derek's room was.

Meredith didn't care that she had just run away from them. She didn't care that she dashed through the house and ran into a room that may have no longer been there. She didn't care that she was laying on Derek's bed, sobbing. She felt horrible. She felt like she was intruding. She felt out of place.

"Derek. This is insane." Linda said quickly. "How could you do that to her?"

"I- It wasn't something I wanted to leave on your voicemail." Derek told her. "And you didn't call me back."

"Oh... You are not putting this on me." Linda said as she looked at him. Her face softened as she looked into his eyes. She finally pulled him into an embrace. "I love you, son." She said as she kissed him softly. "Now get up there and fix this! I want to see that girl. It's been far too long." She said with a smile.

Derek did the long walk of shame up the stairs. These were stairs that he had gone up and down a thousand times. Probably more. Many more. These were the stairs that he had gone up when he was happy. He crawled slowly hen he was sad. When he was mad, he stormed. And now he was going up the stairs feeling like a total and utter ass. His sisters shook their heads as the watched his feel disappear.

Derek stood outside the door and took a deep breath. He could hear her soft cries from inside. He wanted to rush in there and hold her. he wanted to tell her how sorry he was. And he would. But she was so afraid that she wouldn't forgive him.

"Mer?" Derek asked as he pushed the door open slowly. "Meredith, I am so sorry." Derek said as he rubbed her back. "Mer... Please talk to me."

"How could you?" She asked as she rolled onto her back. "You deliberately sabotaged me!" She said as she glared at him.

"I didn't mean to. I didn't think she would react that way." Derek explained with a sigh.

"How could she not have that reaction, Derek? Dead people don't walk up to someone's door. She thought I was dead. God Derek!" She said as she turned away. "I didn't think you were that ashamed of me. You didn't want her to know. And now you have forced her to accept it."

"Ashamed? Of you? Oh god, Mer. I'm not ashamed. If I were ashamed I would have never brought you. I could never... I tried to tell her, okay. My mom had been calling. I was busy. Busy at the hospital. Busy with you. And I just brushed it off. I brushed off her calls. She was mad. I can't blame her for that. And then all I could think about was bringing you home for Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. And to have you here with me... I tried. I called her. She was too mad to talk to me. And I didn't want to leave that in a message. Oh, by the way, Meredith is alive. I didn't like that idea. I was so stupid. And I'm sorry. And mom... She just wants to see you. She loves you. And she's worried. And I think if I go down there without you, I am in some deep shit. So please, pull me out." Derek said as he stroked her cheek.

"You are the biggest asshole I know." Meredith muttered as she looked up at him.

"But you still love me." Derek said with a smirk.

"I have no idea why..." She said with a giggle. "And don't think I'm not pissed."

"Oh honey, I know you are pissed." Derek replied with a nod. "And for good reason. So... Will you come down?" He asked as he raised his brows.

"Ass." She muttered as she rolled out of the bed. "Now I look like crap."

"You look beautiful." Derek told her as he wiped her tears with his thumb.

--------------

"Wow. Just... Wow." Kathleen said as she looked between the two of them.

"Yeah..." Nancy replied in shock.

"So Meredith has been alive. Did she fake her death?" Kathleen asked as she looked around.

"No. Meredith wouldn't do that." Linda said quickly. "I can't believe that."

"Why else would everyone think she is dead?" Nancy asked quickly. "And how did he find her?"

"Well, this explains the divorce." Linda stated as she worked on the pie.

"No kidding. With Meredith alive, Kristy didn't stand a chance." Kathleen stated as she began slicing apples.

"You know... I really think my brother is an idiot. Did you see the look on her face?" Nancy asked them. "She looked so betrayed..."

"Is this right... I mean, we don't know what is going on. Meredith could be using him. I mean, if she has been alive... Do you think she is up to something?" Kathleen asked shamefully.

"No. Meredith would not do anything to hurt him. And she is not devious." Linda stated angrily.

"Mom is right. Meredith was the best thing to ever happen to him. We shouldn't even be speculating. Not until they tell us." Nancy said quickly as they all looked at each other.

"I would just like to know what happened." Linda said frankly as she looked at her pie.

"And you will." Derek said as he and Meredith walked in the kitchen, hand in hand.

"Meredith honey, I am so sorry at how I reacted. It was just such a shock..." Linda said as she walked over and hugged her softly.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, mom." Derek said quickly. "I just... I don't know what the hell I was thinking." Derek explained.

"Meredith... I missed you." Nancy told her as she hugged her.

"I missed you guys too." Meredith replied with a nod.

"So... What happened?" Kathleen asked as she looked up and smiled.

"Oh god..." Meredith said as she looked at them all.

They hung on to their every word. It was complete and utter shock. The chances of that happening were so slim. And yet, it had. The lived all those years in hell. Derek explained why he left. He explained that he couldn't take the pain of letting her go. Meredith explained why she never went to look for Derek. And then when it came to Kristy, everyone was in complete disbelief. It was insane that they would all end up in the same place. It was crazy that they all got along.

Meredith and Derek went through every detail of the story. But they left out parts. They didn't see it necessary to tell any of them about the babies that she had lost. Derek knew how painful it was for her. He didn't want to open those wounds when they were supposed to be happy. And Adrien. They were never going to bring him up.

"So... You are all friends?" Kathleen asked in shock.

"Yeah... I still can't believe it. Kristy is very forgiving." Meredith explained with a smile.

"She always was a nice girl." Linda said with a nod and a smile.

"So what are the chances that you two would find each other?" Kathleen muttered as she thought.

"That is the way it was meant to me." Derek told them as he kissed Meredith on the head.

"Fate." Nancy said with a smile. "I have to say, it's nice to have my brother back."

"So where do you go from here?" Kathleen asked happily.

"Forward. And only forward." Meredith said as she squeezed Derek's hand and looked up at him.

"For the rest of our lives..." Derek agreed.

----------------

Meredith, Linda and Derek all sat in the living room. They were all exhausted. Exhausted from all of the confusion. From the raw emotions that were surging through them. The t.v. played into the back ground as Meredith pulled her knees up and flipped through yet another photo album. Derek sat close as he looked at the photos. these were of him and her.

"You look so young." Meredith pointed out as she ran her finger across his face in the picture.

"You look the same. Just as beautiful." Derek told her as he looked at her.

"And you know just the right things to say." Meredith clarified as she leaned up and kissed him.

"Tired?" Derek asked as he watched her yawn.

"I am." She agreed as she flipped another page.

"I'm going to get a glass of milk. Do you want one?" He asked as he stood up.

"That would be great." She said as she looked at him and then at Linda.

Linda sat there in shock. In awe. Meredith was alive. And when she came back to life, she had brought Derek with her. It felt so good to see her son the way he had always been. He was the way he was meant to be. He was truly happy. All she saw was love in his eyes. Love for Meredith. Love for his family. Linda's face softened as she looked at the tears falling.

"Are you okay, dear?" Linda asked as she walked over.

"Yes. I'm just emotional. And... I just- I feel like I have lost so much. I have missed out on so much. And I just want it back." She told her as she wiped her tears.

"You have. You have lost more than a lot. But you have the now. Now is your chance to live and be happy. Now you can move on. The past is gone. You have the present. You have the now. You and Derek can move on. You can be happy." Linda said with a smile.

"You're right." Meredith said as she let Linda hug her tightly.

"I am so glad that you are here. I'm happy that you are home." Linda said as she kissed her cheek. "This is your home."

"Thank you." Meredith said as she sat the photo album down.

"Here you go." Derek said as he handed her her milk. "Are you okay?"

"Fine. Good." Meredith said as she accepted it and began sipping. They all sat there in silence, staring at the fire, just absorbing the day's events. "I think I'm going to turn in." Meredith said with a smile.

"Okay. I'll be up in awhile." Derek said with a nod.

"Oh, dear. Go ahead and take my bed. It's much bigger." Linda offered.

"Derek's is fine. I don't want you to be uncomfortable." Meredith said with a smile.

"Nonsense! You need to be comfortable too." Linda stated as she looked at her.

"We will be fine. But thank you." Meredith told her as she walked away. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Linda said with a smile. They watched as she disappeared. "I missed her."

"Me too." Derek agreed as he looked up.

"I'm so happy for you son. I'm so happy that you got a second chance." Linda said as she walked over to Derek and sat beside him.

"She is the love of my life." Derek said with a nod.

"I know she is. I knew it from the second I saw her." Linda said with a nod. "I just can't believe it."

"For fourteen years I felt dead inside. And now... It's like I was reborn." Derek explained. "And every second with her is like a miracle. I don't know if she even realizes."

"She does." Linda said with a nod.

[i_"Mom..." Derek said softly as he walked into the room that she and his father once shared._

_"Yes?" She asked as she looked up._

_"I... Do you think... Grandma's ring- Your ring- I love her- Meredith... I love her. And I'm ready. I want to ask her. And I want to have the ring. I don't want to go buy her something that doesn't mean anything..." Derek said softly and nervously._

_"Derek... This ring is important. I don't want you to give it to just anyone. It needs to be someone that you love. Someone that means more than life. It's a big step, son." Linda said as she looked at him._

_"It's her. I love her. I live and breath for her. She is the love of my life... I have never felt this way." Derek said with a sigh. "And I want to spend the rest of my life with her."_

_She knew it was coming. She saw the way Derek looked at Meredith. She could see the loved they shared. Linda slid the ring off of her finger. A tear slid done her cheek as she placed it in his hand._

_"She will take care of it..." He said with a smile as he looked down at it.[/i_

Linda looked down at the ring on her hand. It was Meredith's ring. It was Derek's grandmother's ring. She remembered the first time he got it from her. At first she thought he was crazy. He was young. And he hadn't know her for long. But then she met her. Then she realized that Meredith was meant to wear the cherished family heirloom. And then when they thought she died, he returned it. And she was holding it. For all those years, she held it. He never asked for it for Kristy. It was Meredith's. It always would be.

"I think you need this back." Linda said as she placed it in her hand. "She is special. And I wouldn't want anyone else to wear it." Linda said as she stroked his cheek.

"Thank you." Derek replied as he curled his fingers around it.

"Don't wait forever. Life is too short." Linda said as she kissed him on he head. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Derek said as he sat there.

The ring. He wanted Meredith to have it. But he wasn't planning on taking it unless it was offered. Linda was right, life was too short. But he wanted it to be perfect. He wanted it to be something special. As he climbed the stairs and walked into the room, he looked down at her. She was sleeping so peacefully. He slid the ring into a package and put it in his bag. He laid down next to her tiny sleeping body. She spooned up against him in the tiny bed. He loved her. He would love her for the rest of their lives.


	85. Meet The Family

Meredith awoke to a smell. It was a familiar smell. But it was a smell that she hadn't had the pleasure of inhaling in quite a long time. It was the smell of Thanksgiving morning. It was the smell of baking pies and cooking turkey. The smell of stuffing. There was an under-layer of the best smell... Breakfast. Linda Shepherd always made a huge breakfast on Thanksgiving. All of her kids would come over in their pajamas and eat. Even the ones in the hotels. That was the rule. You had to wear pajamas. They had done it since they were kids.

"Morning." Derek said with a smile as he looked at Meredith's smiling nose.

"Breakfast." She told him with an exuberant grin. "I really missed your mom." She giggled.

"I bet you did." Derek agreed. "Smells like bacon."

"And sausage. And eggs, and hash browns and pancakes." Meredith went on happily as she snuggled into Derek's chest.

"You know my mother... Any breakfast food possible is on that table." Derek told her as he kissed her on the forehead.

"Maybe we need to take her back with us. We'll kick Mark out. She can take his room. She would love to cook and clean. It would be perfect." She said with a nod an smile.

"No. That would be a problem." Derek pointed out as he pulled her onto himself.

"What would that problem be, Dr. Shepherd?" She asked, her face inches away from his.

"Sex. There would be no sex..." He told her frankly. She didn't miss the fact that his morning wood was against her body and begging.

"Well, that wouldn't be a problem... Seeing as you aren't getting any. Ever." She said with a smirk. "I'm too free with my sex..."

"Oh. You are so not free with your sex. It's like a gift. A gift I treasure." He said with a nod. "So... Would you like to give me a Thanksgiving day present?" He asked her as he kissed her neck and ran his hands down her back and cupping her ass.

"There are no gifts on Thanksgiving." Meredith said frankly. "But I like that you tried. That was really sweet."

"Seriously?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"I am seriously not having sex with you when there is breakfast waiting for me." Meredith moaned as she rolled off of him.

"Breakfast trumps sex?" He asked in shock.

"It does." Meredith agreed as she began to walk away. "And you might want to get rid of that before we go downstairs. May I suggest a cold shower?" She asked with a giggle.

"Evil..." Derek said as he climbed out of bed and chased her into the bathroom.

"No!" She shouted and giggled as she tried to get away.

"I love morning sex." Derek said as he pinned her against the wall and buried his face in her hair.

"I know you do, babe." She said as she turned around and kissed him. "Do you remember the last Christmas we spent here?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Are you kidding? I'm getting hard just thinking about it." Derek muttered. "My mom and sisters went shopping..."

"I was supposed to go. But somehow you foiled that plan." She laughed as she grabbed her toothbrush.

"You came into my room in that santa hat. And the red and white panties." Derek moaned as he looked down. "And you had that candy cane in your mouth. You kept sucking on it."

"Oh yes... In that tiny twin sized bed right there." Meredith said as she pointed. "And then I sucked your candy cane."

"Oh shit. Stop! Stop!" He said as he watched the toothbrush go in and out of her mouth. The white foam playing on her lips.

"What's the matter?" Meredith giggled as she looked up.

"Funny." Derek grumbled as he threw on the water. "Fuck!" He yelled as he stood in the cold water.

"Don't forget to put your pajamas back on..." Meredith said with a smile. She laughed as Derek jumped around.

"Fuck that was cold." He gasped as he looked down at his shrunken member.

"I bet it was... And tonight... Tonight it will be hot. But only if you are a good boy... And do exactly as I say." She warned as she bit his ear and ran off.

Derek chased Meredith down the stairs. They were both shouting and giggling as they ran. Meredith managed to stay out of Derek's reach. Just when they reached the kitchen, Derek tackled Meredith and started pecking kisses on her neck. They both looked up. Meredith's heart stopped beating. They were all there. The whole family.

It was like a swarm. It was overwhelming. She couldn't breathe. Every hand was on her. They were hugging her tightly. They were kissing her. It was too much. She wanted to cry. She was on the verge of freaking out. This was how the Shepherd's were. They loved to hug. They always let you know how they felt. She gave Derek a panicked look.

"Okay! Okay!" Derek shouted loudly. "Get off of her."

"I- Mom was telling us the story. Its unbelievable!" Elaine, Derek's sister said with a smile.

"Yeah. I guess it is." She asked as she sucked back. She felt Derek's hand on hers and soon became at ease.

"You have no idea how much we missed you." Jen said as she looked at Meredith. "You look amazing."

"Thank you." Meredith said with a nod.

"And apparently nothing has changed between the two of you." Jen said with a giggle.

"Yes... The children get yelled at for running through the house." Linda scolded them both.

"Sorry, mother." Derek said quickly as they walked over to the huge table and found a seat.

"Aunt Meredith!" Nancy's four year old daughter, Alyssa said with a giggle as she looked up.

It was uncomfortable. All of these people were at the table. She didn't know a big chunk of them. The kids... She didn't know any of the kids. There were do many. And she didn't know them. She wanted to cry. Or at the very least, she wanted to hide under the table until they all left.

"Meredith... These are my kids... Alyssa and Kyle." Nancy said as she pointed. "And husband, Jack."

"Nice to meet you." Jack said with a nod.

"And I have Jason, Jacob, Kelly and Daniel. And my husband, Dustin." Elaine said as she pointed to them each.

"Of course, I have Jonathan, and Sara." Jen pointed to the boy and the baby in the carrier. "Davis is away on business."

"And I have Jenna. And my husband Dustin." Kathleen pointed out.

"Oh... Wow..." Meredith said with wide eyes as she looked around.

"So... When are you going to give us a niece or nephew?" Nancy asked with a grin.

"Oh. Uh... A baby." Meredith said as she looked down. Derek gave them a look as he looked around. "Eventually." She finally answered with a smile.

"You two want children? That's great!" Jen said happily.

"Yes we do." Derek said as he grabbed her hand as squeezed under the table.

"So, Meredith what do you do?" Elaine asked as she looked across the large table.

"I am a fifth year cardio resident at Seattle Grace." She replied softly as she picked at her eggs.

This was not the breakfast she was wanting. She was expecting a nice quiet breakfast. She should have known better. She remembered how it once was. It was just as it was today. The family had just grown into a chaotic number. She wanted to badly to run. To hide away.

"Really? You went into cardio... That was what Derek always wanted to do. But you know that, of course." Jen said with a smile.

"So in all those years... Did you get married?" Kathleen asked as she looked up.

"Um. No." Meredith said as she glanced up.

"Boyfriends. Surely you had boyfriends. Unless you were like my loser brother who refused to move on. You did move on, right?" Nancy asked as she looked up.

"Nance, leave her alone." Jack spat. "Can't you see that she is uncomfortable?"

"Yes. All of you! Let Meredith eat her breakfast. A lot has happened. And I am sure it will take years for us to all get caught up." Linda said frankly.

"I'm sorry." Nancy said with a smile. "We're just really excited to see you."

"So Derek, how is Kristy?" Elaine asked as she glanced up.

"Well, I think she and Mark were going to her mother's house." Derek said with a shrug.

"Whoa. Whoa there. Mark Mark? Mark Sloan?" Jen asked in shock.

"They are together." Derek said happily. "And they seem to be happy."

"They won't admit they are together. But Kris loves him. It's sweet. And Mark... Well, he is Mark." Meredith said with a smile as she started to relax.

"Still a man-whore." Linda said frankly.

"Mother!" Kathleen said in shock.

"Yes, still a man-whore." Derek agreed.

"What is a man-whore?" Jonathan asked.

"Oh dear. Nothing. Nothing Johnny." Nancy said quickly.

Aunt Meredith... You are pretty." Daniel said as he looked up at her with wide eyes.

"Oh no... You are in for a world of hurt." Jen said with a giggle.

"Isn't she, daddy?" Daniel asked Dustin. Everyone at the table began to laugh.

"Yes... I suppose she is." Dustin said with a smile as he glanced up.

"Meredith, honey... You have barely eaten." Linda said with a frown as she looked at Meredith's plate.

"No kidding... We all know how you eat." Nancy teased as she looked at her plate.

"Are you okay, Mer?" Derek asked with concern as he rubbed her shoulder.

"Yeah... I'm fine." She said with a nod as she looked up. Everyone was looking at her.

"Let's eat." Derek said with a nod as he looked around the table.

Meredith sat there and quietly ate her food. She would catch them looking up at her every once in awhile. She knew they couldn't help it. It was a huge shock. to see someone who you thought was dead. To see someone who you considered part of your family that you thought was gone. It was a lot for everyone to absorb. It was a lot for her to absorb. They had all changed. They looked so different. It was confirmed. Even if she hadn't moved on, they all had.

Meredith collapsed on the bed when she walked into Derek's room. The room was the same as it always had been. She had been through his things a thousand times over. the first time she stayed she had poured over all of his photos and his yearbooks. She knew everything about his life. That was what had gotten her through all the years. He was her light.

"Are you okay, honey?" Derek asked as he sat down on the bed and rubbed her shoulder.

"It's a lot." She said frankly. "They are being great. But they are just as shocked as we were. I can't blame them."

"I'm sorry this is so hard. But look at it this way... We will only have to do it once." Derek said with a nod.

"True." Said said with a sigh as she looked up at him. "Will you rub my back?" She asked softly.

"Of course." Derek agreed. "Does it hurt?" He asked as he kneaded it.

"It does. Worse than it has in awhile." She admitted as she moaned.

"Is it the stress? You are very tense." Derek pointed out as he worked on her.

"It probably is." Meredith agreed as she closed her eyes.

"I know of a wonderful stress reliever it. It could benefit both of us." Derek said with a grin.

"I bet you do." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"Well, you did say something about if I was good." Derek pointed out happily.

"No... I said tonight it will be hot. But only if you are a good boy... And do exactly as I say." She clarified.

"So what exactly do you want me to do... Beg?" Derek asked as he looked down.

"No. Begging is pathetic. And annoying. No I have much more in store for you." She giggled as she looked up. "I know how you love sex in this soft bouncy bed. Bouncy. Bouncy. Bouncy." She teased.

Derek groaned as he thought about his thick cock sliding in and out of her. The bed was just a little too old. And it was bouncy. And that made Meredith even more bouncy. It made her breasts dance. It made his balls hop. It was a good, small bed. The bed that he laid in as a child. the bed where he dreamed about girls. But he never dreamed he would have someone like Meredith.

"I had a lot of good times in this bed." Derek admitted.

"Oh. Gross!" Meredith spat. "I don't want to know that."

"Oh no. It was only you. You are the only woman that has ever been in this bed. No, those good times... I was by myself." Derek said with a chuckle. "I had no idea how good it really would be."

"You should be ashamed." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"Should be..." Derek laughed.

"You need to take a shower." Meredith pointed out as she rolled over.

"Hmm... So do you." Derek pointed out.

"Not with you." Meredith muttered as she looked at him. "Not yet..."

"I hope this will be good..." Derek said quickly.

"The torture? It should be." Meredith giggled as she shoved him away.

----------------

Meredith walked down the stairs. Most of the family was gone. They either went back to their respective hotels to get ready for dinner or they went home. Derek was sitting on the sofa with Jack and one of the kids. The woman were in the kitchen working on the dinner. She smiled as she looked down at Derek. She walked over to the side of him and knelt down.

"Here." She said as she handed him a pad of paper and a pen.

"What is this?" Derek asked as he looked at it.

"I want you to write "Meredith is beautiful, intelligent, amazing and sexy."" Meredith said with a smile. "Scratch sexy." She said as she looked up at Daniel, who's focus was on her. "So... Meredith is beautiful, intelligent and amazing." One thousand times."

"What!" Derek asked in shock. "You do realize I'm a surgeon. I need my hands."

"Oh... I know other ways that you overuse your hands. And you are fine." Meredith said with a giggle.

"Funny. But Mer, seriously. That is a lot of words." He grumbled as he looked down at the paper.

"Hey. That is the deal. Take it or leave it." Meredith said with a shrug.

"Okay... Meredith is a goddess. I will write that. Five hundred." Derek suggested.

"Okay. Meredith is a goddess one thousand times. That is firm." She said with a nod.

"Fine." Derek said with a nod. Meredith watched as he began scribbling.

"Oh no. I have to be able to read it. Print it. And not Mer. It has to be Meredith!" She said quickly. "And number it. I will count them. And no computer copy and pasting. It has to be handwritten." She said as she kissed him on the cheek. "And you will be rewarded."

Derek watched as she walked away. It was worth it. To him it was worth it. He wanted her more than anything. And he was more than willing to work with her. He could humor her. He knew what the reward was.

"Are you kidding? You are actually going to do that? For sex?" Jack asked in shock.

"You're damn right I will." Derek said with a smile as he wrote.

"Man you are whipped." Jack said with a laugh.

"Yes I am. And loving every minute of it." Derek said happily. "Hey mom!" He yelled loudly. "Make Mer help... She's evil." Derek yelled.

"Are you torturing my son?" Linda asked as she handed Meredith vegetables to chop.

"Of course." Meredith said with an evil grin.

"Good. He needs it." Linda said with a smile.

**Gotta love it when Mer tortures Derek!**


	86. Torture

Meredith was beginning to feel more at ease with her family. They were her family. She had always gotten along with all of them. She and Nancy had always been the closest, but their wasn't one sister that she didn't feel some sort of connection with. Meredith was happy to be there. She was glad that Derek pressured her into doing it. Now that she was there, she felt so much better.

"It all smells so good." Meredith said with a happy smile as she sat on the stool.

"I love Thanksgiving. I always have." Linda said with a smile as she looked up from what she was doing. "If you don't mind me asking... Where have you gone for Thanksgiving the last fourteen years? I hope you weren't alone..."

"Oh... I didn't go anywhere. If I could work, I would. And if I didn't, it was me and a bottle of tequila. And occasionally some macaroni and cheese out of the box." Meredith said frankly.

"Oh, Dear... That is so sad. So you never went home to your mother's?" Linda asked softly.

"No. She lived far away. And she always works Thanksgiving. She works any holiday she can. It's easier for her. She loves what she does. And it's all she wants to do." Meredith explained with a shrug.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, my son wasn't any better. He hasn't been home for Thanksgiving since you were here. He worked. He did anything to hide away." Linda said sadly.

"It doesn't. It doesn't make me feel any better. I wish he could have been happy." Meredith said sadly.

"He is now... That's all that matters. And you are back where you belong." Linda said as she rubbed Meredith's shoulder.

"Ahh..." Derek moaned as he walked in and stretched.

"What's the matter, baby?" Meredith asked as Derek walked up to her and placed his hand on her back.

"Hands are tired." He said as he smirked as shook his head.

"Oh... Poor baby." Meredith teased as she leaned up and kissed him softly. "Are you done?"

"Halfway. I was hoping for pity." Derek muttered into her hair.

"Well, you came to the wrong place." Linda stated frankly. "I'm sure whatever you are doing, you deserved it."

"That's not right. She's been back for how long? And you take her side..." Derek whined teasing.

"Always have. Always will." Linda said with a smirk.

"Of course." Derek laughed as he shook his head.

"You still have a lot left to write." Meredith told him with a smile. "And you better get to work." Meredith warned as she sat there.

"You could help me..." Derek pointed out quickly.

"I could... I so could." Meredith told him as she rubbed his arm. "Too bad I won't. I think your mom has potatoes for you to peel."

"Oh dear... I am so glad you reminded me. Here you go." Linda said as she sat the potatoes in front of them both.

"Oh. Thanks." Derek muttered as he looked up.

"This I will help you with." Meredith said as she grabbed a paring knife and began chopping away at the potatoes.

"If you help like that... We will have to go buy another ten pounds." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Hey!" Meredith said as she threw a potato peel at his face. They both looked up as Daniel walked in.

"Grandma says not to throw food!" He said as he pointed at them.

"And grandma is right. Aunt Meredith is bad." Derek said with a big smile.

"No she's not..." Daniel said with a smile. He did a walk around the counter as if he was surveying their work. Next he walked up to Meredith.

"Aunt Meredith... Are you and uncle Derek married?" He asked as he looked up.

"Uncle Derek and I... Um. No. No we are not." She said as she shook her head no.

"So that means you can marry me?" He asked with a hopeful grin. Everyone began laughing hysterically.

"No. I think you are a little young for me." Meredith replied with a giggle. "Maybe in a few years." she laughed.

"Don't give him ideas!" Elaine told her with a smile. "He will hold you to that."

"Are you trying to move in on my woman, little man?" Derek asked as he looked down at the child.

"Maybe." Daniel said with a laugh as he ran away.

"Hmm... Your woman, huh?" Elaine asked with a chuckle.

"I think that almost warrants more writing..." Meredith said with a giggle. "I'm kidding, baby. I will be your woman. If it makes you happy."

"And I will let you be. Because it does." Derek said as he kissed her softly.

---------------

"Wow... It all looks so good." Meredith said with a big grin as she looked at the table full of food.

"It does, mom." Jen said with a grin.

"It's a lot of work, but it is worth it. It is worth it to see my whole family together." She said as she looked around the table. "Let's eat."

"So, Meredith..." Dustin started. "You and Derek work at the same hospital."

"Uh huh. Derek and I, and Mark and Kristy. Addison works at Seattle Presbyterian." Meredith explained with a smile.

"Addison! How is she?" Kathleen asked with a smile.

"She is great. She's married. She seems happy." Meredith explained.

"Oh wow... That's good." Jen said happily.

"You know... Elaine had a huge crush on Mark. I remember when he brought Addison here once." Kathleen said with a chuckle.

"Oh yes... Elaine was so jealous." Nancy said with a giggle.

"I was not!" Elaine whined as she looked around the table.

"You so were!" Nancy said with a smile.

"Who hasn't had a crush on Mark?" Meredith asked with a giggle. Derek's face quickly dropped.

"No kidding." Kathleen admitted.

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Derek. "He's a good looking guy. But it's only you... Besides, Mark is like a brother."

"Okay..." Derek said skeptically.

"So... When are you two going to get married?" Jack asked as he looked up at them.

"Um." Derek stammered

These were the questions that made them uncomfortable. Derek didn't want Meredith to know that he had gotten his mother's ring. He didn't want her to know it was coming. And Meredith didn't want to talk about it. Things were perfect the way they were. She wasn't ready for a change. Not yet.

"Eventually. And kids... Eventually." Meredith said frankly.

"Yes. Eventually." Derek said with a happy nod.

They finished the rest of their big dinner with light conversation. They all realized as they sat there that they needed to give them both space. A lot had happened. And everyone just needed to absorb it all. When the dinner was done, the man did their usually ritual of retreating to the living room. The women cleaned the kitchen.

Derek sat on the sofa. He was eagerly working away on his assignment that Meredith had made him do. Everyone was teasing him. And once they saw what he had to write, he got it even worse. He was a dumb liar. Everyone would ask him why he had to do it, and he told everyone something different.

Meredith quickly dried the dishes as the girls passed them along. They had a good system going. She couldn't help but stare at baby Sara, who was laying in her carrier on the countertop. She was so precious, and so little. Meredith's hand grazed her empty abdomen. She was missing what she had lost. They all looked at each other as Sara began to cry.

"Oh no..." Jen said as she looked up. "She's awake."

"I'll get her." Meredith said as she hesitantly reached for her.

"She won't stop crying. The only time she is happy is when she is eating or sleeping. I guess she is colicky." Jen explained.

Meredith placed her hands underneath the wailing baby. Her heart broke as she wrapped her hands around the tiny child and pulled her close. Sara's eyes met hers and the baby quickly went silent. She cradled the baby gently as she held her against her chest.

"Are you colicky?" Meredith asked her as she pulled her away and looked into her Shepherd blue eyes.

"Wow." Linda said in shock.

They all shared a look. It was a look of shock. Meredith was a natural. Meredith was a mom. They could see it as she spoke sweet nothings in the baby's ear. It was as if no one else was in the room. Derek walked in with his finished paper in his hand. Just as he went to speak, he looked up. His heart swelled with love as he watched her with the child. As sweet as it was, he also felt broken. He felt the pain of what they had lost.

"Hey..." Derek said as he walked over and stroked Sara's head.

"She's beautiful." Meredith said as she ran her finger over her cheek.

"She is." Derek agreed as he watched her.

They all watched the three. Derek had only love in his eyes as he looked at Meredith. He wanted children so badly. All he wanted was her. He wanted his family. He wanted the house. He wanted the dog. He was ready for it. More than ready.

"You guys need to have kids." Jen said in shock as she looked.

"No kidding." Kathleen agreed.

"Wow..." Nancy muttered.

"Here..." Derek said softly as he handed her the sheet of paper.

"Hmm... I think someone will need to grade this." Meredith said with a giggle.

"You don't trust me?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Of course not... I know better." Meredith said with a smile.

Meredith spent the rest of the night holding the baby. Everyone said it was the longest Sara had ever been awake and completely content. The more Derek watched Meredith with the baby, the more he wanted to try. He wanted a baby. But he was afraid. He was afraid that Meredith wasn't ready.

--------------

Meredith was on her way to bed. Derek had went up there twenty minutes ago. Before he left Meredith, Linda, Jack and Nancy in the living room, he gave Meredith the cheesy I want sex grin that he always gave her. She rolled her eyes as she handed the baby over and walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Even if he had cheated on his assignment, she had to give him credit for trying.

"Meredith..." Linda said as Meredith passed her bedroom.

"Yes..." Meredith replied as she paused.

"Come here... I haven't gotten a chance to see you." She said as she patted her hand on her bed. "I really missed you."

"I missed you too." Meredith said as she accepted the hug that Linda gave her.

"You don't know how happy I am to have my son back..." Linda said happily. The both sat there for a moment before she spoke again.

"It was a Thursday afternoon. I was just finishing up the dishes. Everyone was gone. The kids were all away. You and Derek were supposed to come back in two weeks. Just as I sat the the last dish down and dried my hands, he pulled in. I was in shock. I thought that you two were coming to surprise me. And then he stepped out of the car. I have never, never seen my son like that. He was dead. At that moment, all the life was out of him. Derek never shows his emotions. He never cries. And he walked into this house and collapsed into my arms. He cried for hours. He just sobbed. And then he told me what happened. He was dead, Meredith. At that moment, I doubted he would ever come back to us. He stayed here for a few days. He just cried in that room of his and never came out. And for fourteen years, he stayed that way. So thank you... You brought him back. And you were the only one that could do it." Linda said with a smile.

"I... I love him so much." Meredith said as she cried.

"I know you do... I know." Linda replied as she stroked her hair. "So... Welcome home, dear." Linda said as she kissed her forehead. "You go get some sleep."

"Goodnight..." Meredith said with a smile as she walked out.

When Meredith walked into the bedroom, Derek was sitting in his bed reading. She gave him a grin as she shut the door gently. Derek gave her a hopeful look as he sat his book down. Meredith slowly pulled off her sweater. Derek drew in a deep breath as she stood there, her soft skin shining in the light. She took a step forward as she unclasped her bra and pulled it off.

"Take off your clothes." Meredith said softly as she unbuttoned her jeans.

Derek quickly did as she said and pulled his shirt over his head. Meredith smiled at his muscled bare chest in front of her. She quickly walked out of her panties and he pulled off his pajama pants.

"God I love you, Derek." She said as she pushed him back on the bed. "Now be quiet. Your mom is awake."

Meredith straddled his abdomen and leaned down. His lips crashed with hers as she sucked on his bottom lip. Derek moaned as her hard nipples rubbed against his warm chest. He could feel her hot pussy on his abdomen. His cock started to react to her as she moved her hips ever so slightly.

"I want you... Even if you are a cheater." Meredith moaned as she sucked his neck.

"I am not a cheater." Derek muttered as her hot pussy scooted closer to the desired position.

"Either that, or you can't count." She said softly as she bit his nipple. "You were fifty short." She muttered as she licked his belly button.

"Damn kids." He muttered as he ran his hands down her slender back and cupped her ass.

"They are smarter than you think. Nice try though. I won't forget it..." She said as she scooted back. "I want you inside of me." She said as she raised up and positioned herself on top of him.

Derek moaned as she sank down onto him. As hard as he tried, he couldn't fill her. She was too tight. She spread her legs farther and he slide in just a touch more. She ran her hands up and down his chest as she moved her hips gently, grinding against him. Derek held her hips and she rocked steady on him. He thrust into her, attempting to fill her once again.

"Oh... God, Mer... You are way too tight." He moaned as he pushed into her.

"I have never heard you complain about that before." She said with a smirk as she continued to move her hips.

Derek's hands ran up her sides and moved to her chest. He played and flicked her nipples. His palms massaged her gently as she moaned as rocked onto him. Derek wasn't satisfied. He gently grabbed her thigh and pulled her leg up. He rolled them both over and pulled her leg up as he attempted to go deeper. Derek got to his knees and grabbed her legs, pulling her around him.

"Oh god!" Meredith said as softly as she could as he pounded into her.

"Oh... Oh god, baby." Derek muttered as he held her tightly.

"Harder, baby. Harder." She cried softly as she pushed herself towards him.

"Oh god... Fuck yes..." He shouted as he kept hitting her, his balls slamming.

"Deeper... Oh yeah... That's it." She said with a smile as she felt him bump her cervix.

Derek had a way of working her. It drove her crazy. He had a rythym. He would go deeper, then shawllow. He would push her to the edge, and just before she was free flying, he would pull her back. It was his way of taunting her. It builty her up. It intensified things. He would hold back until she clawed like and animal wanting out of it's cage.

"Derek... Come on baby... Fuck me harder." She cried out as she attempted to force him into her.

"Oh god..." Derek moaned as he felt her fingernails claw him.

Derek's cock hit her g-spot, causing her to squeal loudly. He quickly began stroking her clit. She moaned as she pushed against him, matching his rhythm. Derek felt his balls begin to tighten. Meredith's walls started to clamp down around him.

"I'm coming baby. I'm coming hard..." Meredith squealed as she felt the pleasure that was boiling.

"Fuck! Shit..." Derek moaned as she spilled her hot cum around him. He cried out as he shot his hot cum inside of her, spilling out.

"Oh...god...thank you!" She said as she laid her head back in exhaustion.

Derek stayed inside of her as he tried to catch his breath. Her ran his hands over her body as he began to shrink inside of her. He pulled out gently and laid in her arms as she pulled him down.

"I'm sorry I hurt you." Meredith muttered as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked as she looked into his eyes.

"Dying. I hurt you. I didn't-" She stammered.

"Meredith... It wasn't your fault." Derek explained.

"No, Der. I knew you. And I loved you. And I should have known that you would never leave me. Not without a good reason. I should have tried to find you. You promised we would be together forever, and you never lied. I'm sorry, Derek. I will never question you again." Meredith said as she buried her head in his chest.

"It's over... And we're okay. We made it. And it will only get better from here." Derek muttered as he kissed her softly.

"Yeah..." Meredith moaned as she felt her body against hers. Perfection.

**Gotta love it when Meredith tortures Derek! Thanks to you who review!**


	87. Heart To Heart

The house was chaotic. Jen was rushing around packing like crazy. Derek and Meredith could hear the loud crashing and rumbling of luggage going down the stairs. Then the footsteps returned even louder. Meredith moaned as she rolled op top of Derek and buried her head in his naked chest. For the first time in awhile, Meredith and Derek able to sleep. They had been sleeping fairly comfortably in the tiny twin sized bed. Jammed together like sardines was the perfect position for them.

"Mmm." Meredith moaned as she pulled the covers up.

"They need to shut the hell up." Derek grumbled as he ran his hands over her bare ass.

"No kidding." Meredith agreed softly as she buried her cold hands under his body.

"Damn-it, Dustin!" Jen said loudly as they heard something drop.

"Fuck!" Derek spat as he gently rolled Meredith off of him and threw his pants on. "What the hell are you doing out here?" Derek spat nastily as he marched into the hallway. "Some people want to fucking sleep."

"Wow... That's pretty nervy for someone who kept everyone up last night." Jen said angrily.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Derek asked quickly.

"Oh... Let's see... Daniel asked me over and over again what uncle Derek was doing to aunt Meredith. And then I had to explain to my son that you two were playing. Well, it must be nice to play all night long!" Jen said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Meredith made me." Derek muttered defensively.

"Oh my god... Are you kidding me? Meredith _made _you?" She asked in shock. "I know you better than that, brother."

"What are you telling her?" Meredith asked as she walked up with her robe wrapped around her.

"Nothing, baby." Derek said softly as he kissed her head.

"He is blaming the marathon sex on you." Jen said as she scowled at him. "Did you really think I was going to let you get away with that, Derek?" She smirked.

"What? You- You heard that?" Meredith asked as her face turned bright red. "Oh my god..."

"It's fine. At least someone in this house was getting sex." She said with a smirk. "We are late for our flight. And thanks to you, brother, we are even later. He always makes it a point to argue with me at least once when he visits."

"That is Derek." Meredith agreed, remembering the past visits.

"She won't stop!" Dustin said loudly as he walked out of the room, holding Sara.

"Oh no." Jen said in a huff. "Would you like her? I will give her to you." Jen joked as she looked at Meredith.

"Well, I won't take her. But I guess I could hold her." Meredith offered with a big smile. "Hand her over."

"Gladly." Dustin said as he passed the baby over.

"Are you being a bad girl for mommy and daddy Sara girl?" Meredith teased softly.

"You can't do that..." The baby smiled as she looked at Meredith.

Derek watched Meredith as they walked down the stairs. Last night he wanted to talk about it. He had been planning on stalking about it. But then they had sex. And then more sex. And then she fell asleep. And even if they had been laying there, he wasn't sure he could bring it up. He was sure it was still a touchy subject.

"Oh..." Meredith said softly as Sara looked over at Derek and began crying. "Oh... It's okay. I know. Sometimes I cry when I look at him in the morning too. Hide your eyes." She said softly as she pulled the baby close.

"Funny." Derek said as he shook his head.

"Have you looked in the mirror? I think there is an animal living on your head. I have never known a man who takes longer to do his hair." Meredith said quickly.

"Oh. I see. Too long, you say? I could cut that down. I could cut it down to no time." Derek said smartly. "I could shave my head."

"You wouldn't!" Meredith stated with a gasp.

"I could. I so could do that. Just for you." He smirked as they walked into the kitchen.

"You would look horrible." Meredith told him frankly. "Your head it's- It would not be good. Trust me." She said as she leaned over and kissed him.

"You are so good to me." Derek said sarcastically. "My nose is crooked. My hair is bad. My- Never mind." He said as he looked around.

"Thank you for not finishing whatever it was you were going to say." Linda said with a smile.

"Yes, thank you." Meredith said happily. "And please, my boyfriend with the bad hair, and a crooked nose, make me some coffee." She said as she sat down with the baby.

"We really need to go." Jen said quickly. "Because my idiot husband-" She started.

"Jennifer Lynn! If I hear you badger your husband one more time. This man is good to you. Almost too good. Give him a break." Linda told her quickly. Jen gave her a look.

"Sorry honey, you know how stressed out I get." Jen said sadly as she looked at him.

"Well, you have no reason to stress you. I know how you are. The flight leaves an hour later than I told you." Dustin said with a grin. "We are not late."

"You are an ass!" She said as she smacked him playfully. "Well, now Sara can have her bottle on time." She said as she looked at the baby in Meredith's arms.

"Do you want to feed her?" Jen asked as she warmed the bottle.

"Um. Okay." Meredith said with a nod.

"Well this isn't fair... I did all the work. I carried her around for nine months. Suffered through labor. And now all she wants is to be with you." Jen said as she handed her the bottle.

"I'm sorry." Meredith said sympathetically.

"I'm joking, Meredith. This is great. I finally get a break." She said as she sat down at the table.

"You sure are hungry..." Meredith said in disbelief as she watched the baby eat.

"She always is." Dustin said with a chuckle. "I have never seen a baby eat more."

"Aunt Meredith..." Daniel said as he walked up.

"Yes..." Meredith asked as she looked at the boy.

"Mommy says you are too old for me. But I don't care." Daniel explained. "I still wanna get married."

"Your mommy is right. I am much too old for you." Meredith said with a nod.

"Well... You could come to my house and live. You could share my room. And then when I get old enough we could get married." He suggested.

"That is a wonderful offer. And I like your enthusiasm." She said as she patted him on the head. "But someday, you will find a girl that you love. And you will be happy with her. Just like I am happy with your uncle Derek. You need to wait for that." Meredith explained as she kissed Derek softly.

"In other words, uncle derek won this battle, little man." He said as he patted Daniel on the head.

"No!" Daniel said as he slapped Derek's hand away. "It's not fair!" He yelled as he ran off.

"Oh no." Meredith said with a sigh.

"I'll go talk to him." Dustin said as he stood up.

"I am so sorry." Meredith told them all.

"It's okay. Dustin will talk to him." Jen said with a nod. "He did the same thing with Dustin's sister-in-law. But he wasn't this persistent." She giggled. "You must be something special."

"She is." Derek said with a nod. "I have been telling you that for years."

Meredith sat there with Sara in her arms. Her heart ached for a baby. The way she felt in her arms, it just felt perfect. It felt like that was the way it was meant to be. But deep inside, she was scared to death. She couldn't bear the thought of losing another child. That always stayed in her head. As ready as she was to be a mother, she wasn't ready at all.

"Well, we really do need to get going. If we want to be on time." Dustin said as he walked back in.

"Is he okay?" Meredith questioned as she looked out to the living room.

"He's fine. Although he seems to have a newfound hatred for Derek." Dustin explained with a shrug.

"That is actually a frequent occurrence." Derek said sadly. "I guess that's what happens when you have this." He said as he pulled Meredith into him.

"He will be fine. I'm sure he won't even remember by the time we get home." Jen pointed out frankly.

"I hope so." Meredith muttered. "I guess you will be wanting your daughter back." Meredith said softly as she handed Jen the baby.

"Yeah. I'm sure we would miss her eventually." Jen laughed as she held Sara against her. "Well... I guess we will see you at Christmas." She said as she hugged Derek and Meredith.

"Of course." Meredith said with a grin. Derek squeezed her hand. He was pleased with that response.

Meredith stared off into space as she sipped her coffee. She was so glad that she came with Derek to see his family. She couldn't believe that she ever doubted that they wouldn't be as great as they always were. She felt like she mattered. She felt like she had a place in the world. She was so happy and content that she completely forgot about all of the stress in her life. She forgot that Adrien was in a psychiatric center. Or that Ellis and Richard may not be getting a divorce. All she thought about was how happy she was.

"Well... We need to leave fairly soon too." Derek pointed out as he looked at the clock on the wall. "I'm going to take a shower." Derek said with a smile as he walked off and up the stairs.

"This is the part I hate. When everyone leaves." Linda said sadly.

"Well, I guess everyone has to go back to their lives. Back to the stress and chaos." Meredith told her softly.

"You know... You raise them and you send them off into the world. You want them to be happy and successful. But that doesn't mean you don't miss them when they go." Linda said quietly.

"Everyone is so far away. I can't imagine." Meredith said sadly.

"Speaking of all of this... Grandchildren, dear. You are a natural if I have ever seen one! That baby adored you!" Linda said as she grabbed her hand. "So when are you going to give me some grandchildren? Lots of them..."

"Um..." Meredith muttered as she looked down at the table and attempted to swallow down the lump in her throat.

She drew in a deep breath. She wasn't sure what to do. She liked to keep things to herself. She liked to suffer in silence. And she had suffered. She and Derek had both suffered. And Meredith wasn't sure if she wanted to tell Linda yet. She wasn't sure if she could open up the wound that was still pink. It was still healing. And she didn't know if she could do it again.

Linda had always been someone Meredith could talk to. In fact, all those years back, they would talk about anything. Even if Linda was thirty-five years older than her, they were still able to connect. She wanted to open up. She wanted to be honest She could tell her about losing the baby. But she wouldn't tell her about the first. She would never talk about that.

"I had a miscarriage." Meredith finally said quietly.

"Oh my." Linda said as she grabbed Meredith's hand. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It was almost four months ago. Derek was still married. When I saw him... When we saw each other in the house that day... Things happened. I missed him so much, for so long. And I disgust myself, but I couldn't stop it. Everything that I had felt for him came rushing back like a wave to the shore. And I wasn't on birth control. It was foolish and crazy. But we created a life. I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared. But at the same time everything felt clear. I had been going down a rough road. I wasn't taking care of myself, and I was trying to drown everything out. And then I found out I was pregnant and I felt like I had a purpose. I had a reason to take care of myself. I had a reason to make something of my life. I wanted that baby so badly. I went out and bought a new car, I was having dreams of the nursery and the tiny clothes. And when I told Derek, he was ecstatic. For an unbelievably complicated situation, it became so clear. We were elated in our secret happiness bubble. And then it happened. I was in the OR. It was so fast. And it was gone. All that hope. All of the happiness. It was gone in a second..." Meredith said as she began to cry. "I wanted that baby so badly."

"Oh honey... I am so sorry." Linda said as she cradled Meredith against her. "I am so sorry. But this isn't the end..."

"I know. I know that. But I am so scared that it will happen again. And I know that Derek wants kids so badly. And I want to give them to him. But I don't know if I could handle it again." Meredith explained softly.

"Oh dear. Things happen. Horrible unimaginable things happen to people. But that doesn't mean that you give up. You do what you want. When you want. Only when you are ready. But don't give up. Sometimes things work out. And when they do, nothing is better." Linda explained as she kissed her head. "And no pressure here."

"Thank you. Thank you for listening to me." Meredith said as she looked into Linda's blue eyes.

"What's going on here?" Derek asked with a smile as he walked in.

"Just girl talk, son." Linda said as she took Meredith's empty coffee cup and sat it in the sink.

"We need to leave in an hour." Derek said as he kissed Meredith's head.

"I guess I need to take a shower." Meredith told him as she sat up from the table and walked off.

"She is special." Linda pointed out as she sat with her son.

"She is. I have never been happier. But something is missing." Derek said with a frown.

"Children." Linda said with a frown.

"Yeah." Derek agreed as he looked at the table. He sat there in a painful silence. He finally spoke. "Meredith lost our baby... Four months ago."

"I know." Linda said as she grabbed his hand.

"She told you?" Derek asked with a faint smile.

"She did." Linda told him quietly.

"I was so happy. When she told me... I have never felt that way. And even though I was married... It didn't matter. None of that mattered. All that mattered was that I created a life with the love of my life. And I held onto that. I knew that if things didn't work out, that I would always be tied to her. I was so scared that she wouldn't be with me. She was so adamant about me staying with Kristy. But that baby was her hope. It was my hope. And now it is gone." Derek admitted as he dropped his head. "Not the hope. I have hope. It's the little life that I am missing. It felt like I was dying inside. I have never felt so much pain."

"I am so sorry that you had to experience that kind of loss." Linda said as she held his hand.

"I'm ready to try again. I want to try again. And Meredith- I want to tell her. But I am afraid of what will happen." Derek said quickly.

"She knows, Derek. She know what you want. She will come around. She just needs some time." Linda told him frankly.

Maybe his mom was right. Time was what they needed. He was wanting things to quickly. He wanted it all now. And maybe it was because of the fourteen years of loss that he had experienced. But now he was ready for it all. Tomorrow wasn't soon enough. But Meredith needed time. And he loved her enough to wait. But he knew he couldn't wait forever. And he didn't want to.

**This was big...Meredith poured her heart out. And you know what Derek wants. So now what?**


	88. Too Tired

It was like the day before. Crashing. Banging. Yelling. Loud. Derek opened his eyes and looked around. He was home. They were home. Home where it was supposed to be quiet. But Meredith was no where in sight. He could hear her loud yelling. She sounded angry. Derek looked over at the calendar. Nope, it wasn't Lola. Not yet.

"What's the matter, baby?" Derek asked as he stumbled into the kitchen.

"What the matter is... I can't even fucking talk. The problem is this piece of shit coffee maker. The coffee is full of grounds." Meredith shouted as she threw the carafe in the sink.

"You didn't do it right... Why didn't you wake me up?" Derek asked as he cocked his head.

"Because I am late. And I have to go. My interns are going to be running all over the place." She said as she pulled her shoes on.

"Did you eat?" Derek asked as he opened the refrigerator.

"No. And I don't have time." She grumbled as she grabbed her jacket.

"Wait!" Derek said quickly as she put her hand on the doorknob.

"What? I have to-" Meredith started.

Derek grabbed the back of her head and pulled her close. As his lips covered hers, she moaned deeply and leaned it. His tongue grazed hers gently. She thrashed her tongue against his as she tasted him. All the stress that she had been feeling went away with his kiss.

"Good morning." Derek said breathlessly as he pulled away.

"Thank you... I needed that." She admitted with a smile. "Sans the morning breath."

"I didn't have time to do anything about that." Derek said quickly. "Have a good day."

"Thank you." She told him softly as she opened the door and walked out.

Derek shook his head as the door shut. That was Meredith. She was quirky, but he loved her. He knew she had a lot going on in her head. The trip home really seemed to make her happy. He was glad that he finally demanded that she go. His family was her family. Derek walked over to the sofa and pulled out his laptop. He had things to do.

-----------------

Meredith's day was going badly. The best part of the whole thing was the kiss from Derek in the morning. As she dragged her feet down the hall, she yawned. It seemed like the short vacation she had taken just made her more exhausted. As the coffee cart came into view, Meredith's face softened a little. Now at two in the afternoon, maybe she would get her morning coffee and breakfast.

"I'll have a mocha latte and this." Meredith said as she pushed the dark chocolate muffin over. "Actually, make that a double shot of espresso. Long night." She muttered as she looked off into the distance.

"Hey..." She heard Kristy say as she walked up.

"Oh, hi." Meredith answered as she turned around.

"Here you go." The man said as he handed her the espresso.

"That is not you!" Kristy giggled as she looked at the dark brown liquid.

"It is today. It's been one of those days." Meredith grumbled as she picked up her muffin and walked away with Kristy.

"That bad, huh?" Kristy asked as she looked up.

"Yes." Meredith spat as she slumped down in a chair in the lobby. "First of all, I forgot to set my alarm clock. So then I wake up five minutes before I have to leave. So no breakfast. Oh yeah... When I went to drink the coffee, the carafe was full of grounds."

"Sorry." Kristy said sympathetically.

"And my patient died ten minutes before we got him in the operating room. And now I am on-call tonight. So that means I have to sleep in one of the lumpy beds. And my back- I can't take- Ahhh!" She yelled as she closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry about the patient. Was it the old guy?" Kristy asked with a frown.

"Yeah. I just... What next, you know..." Meredith said with a sigh.

"It will get better. Look you are eating chocolate, how much better can it get?" Kristy asked with a giggle.

"Yeah... " Meredith agreed with a sigh. "So... How are you and Mark?"

"Um. Well, we went to my mom's for Thanksgiving. They loved him." Kristy pointed out.

"Who doesn't? He's Mark. He's charming." Meredith said with a smile.

"So true." Kristy agreed with a happy nod. "It was really great. They were so used to Derek... Mr. Grump. But you know, that doesn't matter. Everyone is happy now. And..." Kristy said as she drew in a deep breath. "We had sex."

"What!" Meredith said in shock. "You and Mark. You finally had sex?"

"We did. And you were right! It was amazing. He is amazing. Totally and utterly... Just wow." Kristy told her with a grin.

"Finally! Of course he was good. He has had a ton of practice!" Meredith pointed out with a nod. "Not that I mean- No offense. I just... Need to shut my mouth."

"Meredith... I know Mark is a man-whore. You aren't telling me anything." Kristy pointed out. "You know... He was just really soft, and caring. I was so surprised."

"That's great, Kris. Really great. I'm glad you are so happy. It makes me feel less like a home wrecking whore." Meredith muttered softly.

"Meredith. You know that I don't think of you that way. Not at all. Don't ever think that." Kristy said sternly. "And I am happy. Really happy. So. How was it? How was mama Shepherd?"

"It was good. I was so scared. And then I got there, and it was just like it always was. I missed them so much. Linda was always more of a mom to me than my own. I just can't believe I ever questioned any of it. And Nancy, she was the same as always. And Jen... She has a new baby. She was so adorable." Meredith said as she thought back.

"So, are you and Derek going to try again?" Kristy asked Meredith, who was off in space. "Hello!"

"What?" Meredith asked quickly as she snapped back to attention.

"I was just asking if you and Derek were going to try again. For kids." Kristy questioned as she looked into Meredith's eyes.

"I- Uh. We- Eventually." Meredith finally spat out after stammering her way through.

"You should. You need a baby." Kristy said with an exuberant nod. "That was I can be aunt Kristy."

"We don't have time. Look at us. We are never home. And I have to start my fellowship soon. Derek's been doing three cases a day. And we live in that apartment. And I- I'm not ready. I don't know if I could take it. I- Shit!" Meredith muttered as she turned her head away.

"Mer..." Kristy said as she rubbed her back.

"I'm fine." Meredith told her as she clenched her jaw. "I'm okay. I just- I want to have kids. But I am really scared, Kris. So I have to wait." Meredith explained.

"That's okay. You wait until you are ready. Derek loves you enough that he will wait. He would wait forever for you." Kristy explained.

"But I don't want him to. I don't want him to wait forever." Meredith said with a sigh. "What about you? And Mark? Are you going to try?"

"No. You know, I did. But now that I am older, I just don't want to. And Mark, he isn't really that fond of the idea. With Derek, I did want kids. I guess I thought it would change things. I thought it was the miracle cure-all. But now, I just want to enjoy myself. I have never had this much fun. I just don't want to be tied down." Kristy explained with a faint smile.

"I get that." Meredith said with a nod. "Shit... I should be back up there."

"Me too." Kristy told her with a nod. "When you do have kids, I will gladly be Aunt Kristy." Kristy said happily as Meredith stood to her feet.

"Eventually." Meredith muttered as they walked off. "Eventually."

"See you later, Mer." Kristy said as she headed to the elevator.

"Bye." Meredith said quickly as she climbed the stairs.

Meredith had a sourness in her stomach as she climbed the stairs. Maybe it was all the chocolate on a empty stomach. Maybe it was all the baby talk. Either way, she wasn't feeling great, physically or mentally. As she walked over to the chart stand, she saw her interns standing around.

"Do you get paid to stand around. Because if you do, I would like to join in." Meredith told them frankly.

"Oh! Dr. Grey... We don't have anything to do." Dina Eastman said with a smile as Meredith walked up with a chart.

"Hmm. Imagine that. A full hospital and nothing to do." She said with a sigh.

"It's dead quiet." Justin Weathers said with a grin.

"Hey! Don't say that. I'm on-call tonight. Oh and Carter, so are you." Meredith told him with an evil smile.

"What! That's not-" He started with a frown.

"Hey. I can't help it. Besides, it's not like you won't get to sleep in an on-call room." Meredith told him frankly.

"Yeah. Maybe. Unlike last time. I can't take another sleepless night." Carter said as he looked up at her from his notepad.

"Oh... No sleep last night, waa." Meredith muttered as she read the chart.

"Well... Between you and Dr. Shepherd going at it. I have to say I am impressed. The dude has some serious staying power. I never thought it would end." Carter said with a laugh. Meredith's color drained from her face as Weathers and Mather both started chuckling.

"I have no idea what you are talking about." Meredith grumbled loudly.

"Oh harder, Der...don't stop! Don't stop! And something about you being tight." Carter said with a laugh. Meredith turned around and leaned against the nurse's station. She wasn't going to acknowledge him. She couldn't.

"Hey..." Derek said with a smile as he walked up.

"Ass!" Meredith shouted as she raised the chart up and whacked him with it.

"Hey! What is that for?" He asked as she continued to beat him.

"I hope you had a good time!" Meredith said quickly.

"Mer! Stop! Stop!" Derek yelled as he ducked down. Meredith stopped and glared at him. "What is going on?"

"Go! Go to the gallery. Go to the pit! Get the hell out of here." Meredith yelled at her interns. "It was Carter. Carter was in the on-call room."

"Oh." Derek said in shock.

"Yeah. Oh." She grumbled. "911. I have to go." She said as she rolled her eyes and ran away.

---------------

Meredith walked into the on-call room and collapsed. She didn't pull of her shoes. She didn't do anything. She laid in the bed and closed her eyes. Every part of her body was aching as if she had been run over by a truck. Sleep couldn't come soon enough. Before she knew it, she was drifting off.

Derek looked all around the hospital for Meredith. It was eleven o'clock. He was in an emergency surgery that seemed to take forever. He had no idea where she was. He had no idea what was going on. The last time he saw her, she was mad at him. He didn't want her to go to sleep mad at him. As he walked around, he asked everyone. Finally someone pointed him towards the on-call rooms.

When he walked in, he smiled. The moonlight fell on her face from the window. She was sleeping peacefully. He watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she took a breath in and a breath out. He needed her. He couldn't sleep without her. He slowly pulled off his shoes. Derek frowned when he saw hers on. She must have been so exhausted that she didn't even bother. He leaned over the bed and pulled them off.

"Mer..." He said softly as he climbed into bed and kissed her forehead.

"Mmm." She moaned as she rolled over without opening her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Derek said as he kissed her face. "About Carter."

"Mmm. Okay. I don't care... Whatever." She muttered. "Now leave me alone. I'm sleeping."

"I love you." Derek said as he kissed her a little harder.

"You want sex." She said quickly as he eyes opened.

"Um." Derek answered.

Dare he say it? Dare he say that yes he did want sex? And he did. He always did. But she was exhausted. And he would understand if she wasn't willing to comply with his request.

"Fine. Seriously though, lock the door this time." She said as she opened her eyes. Derek quickly jumped from bed and flipped the lock. "And don't wake me up."

"Are you kidding?" Derek asked as he climbed back in the bed.

"No. Take my close off and use me as you wish you horny old man." She said with a smile. "But don't wake me up."

Derek kissed her on the neck. He knew that with enough foreplay, she would wake up. He knew that he could get her to the point that she wanted it too. Their tongues crashed as he pushed into her. Her hand rested on the back of his head as she ran her fingers through his curls. They rubbed and tasted as Derek's hand rested on the sides of her body.

"God I need you..." Derek said as he pulled off his scrub pants and boxers.

"Me too." Meredith muttered as she pulled her own scrub pants and panties. "I need you now..."

Derek hovered over her body. He gave her a soft kiss on the lips as he gently rubbed her clit with the head of his cock. She was hot and ready. Derek couldn't believe how wet she was as his cock slid around her hot lips. Meredith moaned loudly as she thrust her hips up to him. With just the right motion, his cock slid in.

"Oh... God..." She moaned as she felt the sensations taking over her body.

"You like that baby?" He as as he trust inward.

"You better not stop!" She warned as he continued to push and pull. "Oh..." Meredith moaned as he pulled and pushed, pushed and pulled his hard cock in and out. His thick mass slid in and out of her with ease. His girth spread her walls. She worked with him as she moved her body. "Harder..." She moaned.

"Harder." Derek agreed as he slammed into her, her body taking the brunt of the assault. "You are so tight..."

"You are so big..." Meredith said loudly.

"Oh... Oh..." Derek moaned as he felt his length sliding in and out out her.

"Oh God... I'm coming, Derek." She shouted. "Don't stop now!"

"Oh God, Mer... Oh God..." He yelled as he pumped harder and harder. His mouth covered hers as he thrust. He could feel the beads of sweat forming on her perfect body. "Oh..." She moaned as she released. Her hot walls began to clamp down. She laid her head back as she came down from her high.

Derek continued to thrust over and over inside of her. She was quiet as he continued to moan. The feeling of her tightness around him was the most perfect sensation in the world. Nothing ever felt more perfect as their bodies meshed in harmony.

"Oh... Fuck. I'm coming!" Derek shouted as he released with a grunt. "Oh...shit..." He moaned as he stopped his motion and felt his orgasm take over. "Mer... Mer?" He asked breathlessly as he looked up at her. All he heard was her faint snoring. "Shit." He muttered as he pulled out and laid beside her. Who was the ass now?

**You have to be damn tired to fall asleep during sex with Derek! ;)**


	89. Little Miss Grumpy

Christmas was coming fast. And Meredith was feeling overwhelmed. It had been years since she had to buy gifts for the holiday that she detested so much. And now she had to buy gifts for the whole Shepherd family. She didn't even know them. She had known them. But now it was different. They had their own families. They had grown and changed. And she was feeling the pressure.

Meredith made her last stitch. She always felt good when she did the last stitch. She felt like she had completed something. She felt like she had fulfilled her promise to do everything she could. As she walked into the scrub room, she pulled off her scrub cap and gloves. The pain in her back was getting stronger and hitting her in waves. She put her hands against the scrub sink and winced.

"Are you okay, Dr. Grey?" Justin Weathers asked as he walked into the small room.

"I'm fine." She said softly as she straightened up.

"Are you sure? You look really pale." He pointed out with a frown.

"My back is just a little stiff. That's all." Meredith explained as she pumped the soap in her hand and began washing. "I have a coronary artery bypass graft in and hour. Are you in?"

"Of course." Justin said with a smile.

"Good. I need you to prep that patient. I need to grab something to eat." She said quickly as she opened the door.

Lunch would be good. It would be great. But she didn't have time. And she didn't have the energy to go down to the cafeteria. And more importantly, she didn't have the energy to talk to her friends. She was just too exhausted. Her eyes travelled to the snack machine. Chocolate. She needed chocolate.

Everyone was avoiding her. And for good reason. Lola was back in town. Lola was back and brought her friend cramps and bloating. That coupled with the back pain and she was ready to kill at any moment. Meredith slumped down in a chair and laid back.

"That is not a good lunch." Derek pointed out as he walked up. There was a glare. The death glare. It did not go unnoticed. "Actually it is a great lunch..."

"Yes it is." Meredith grumbled loudly.

"What do you have left today?" Derek asked as he sat in the chair next to her.

"I have a CABG in forty minutes, and then a valve repair. And I sure some dumb ass will run into a tree and I will have to fix that." She said angrily.

"So when will you be home?" He asked with a smile.

"I have no idea, Derek. Maybe when hell freezes over." She said angrily. "And I got no sleep last night."

"911 pages?" Derek asked softly.

"No. Christmas shopping. For your family. All night on the computer. Ordering shit. Shit that they will throw away. Or give to someone else." Meredith said loudly.

"They won't." Derek told her as he rubbed her hand.

"How much of the stuff that you got did you actually want last year?" Meredith asked loudly.

"Good point." Derek said with a nod. "So what have you gotten?"

"A lot of gift baskets." She muttered as she opened another chocolate bar. "And I got your mom this gorgeous quilt."

"That's good. A good start." He agreed.

"Yeah. Christmas is only less than a week away." She pointed out. "And, I have no idea what to get you." She told him with a frown.

"Nothing. Actually something..." He said with a dirty smile.

"If it has anything to do with sex... You are pushing your luck." Meredith grumbled loudly.

"Nope. Absolutely nothing. So I will see you later?" He asked as he stood up.

"I guess you will. If the hospital will let me go home." She pointed out with a sigh. "Have fun with your cases."

"Oh. I will." Derek told her as he walked off.

----------------

Derek laid down in the bed. She wasn't home. He had called her twice, and she said she was on her way. Just one more patient to check on. Just one more thing. He knew how it was. It wasn't something she was doing on purpose. That is the way it went. He knew that. It happened to him all of the time. But lately it seemed that they never saw each other. When she was home, he was away. And when she got to come home, he had to stay.

He couldn't sleep. He couldn't sleep until her head laid down on her pillow. Not until he knew that she made it home safe. He always worried. He had lost her once, and in the back of his head, he was always waiting for it to happen again. When he heard the door click. a faint smile crossed his face. He drew in a deep sigh of relief. He slowly turned to his side and looked into the hallway. His heart sank. It was Mark. It wasn't Meredith.

"Where's Mer?" Derek croaked out. The sleepless night had taken all of the saliva from his mouth. His throat was dry.

"What?" Mark asked as he turned around and stood in front of the door.

"Meredith... Is she on her way?" Derek asked as he sat up.

"I think she was just getting ready to leave." Mark said with a smile.

"Alright." Derek muttered as he walked into the bathroom.

He looked at the bags under his eyes. He looked bad. He looked like he was toting the world around on his back. Something was wrong with Meredith. He couldn't put his finger on it. She had been tired. And grumpy. Lola explained a lot, but now Lola was gone and Meredith still wasn't herself. He was beginning to worry. And he had no idea what to do.

Derek walked to the door, and pushed it shut. Maybe she wouldn't come home. She may have gotten called into emergency surgery. Or she was too tired to drive. He wanted to call her. But he didn't want to wake her up if she was sleeping. It was starting to look like it would be another sleepless night for him. As he laid his head back down on the pillow, he closed his eyes. He drifted off to a quick sleep. If felt like seconds. Maybe it was minutes. Or hours. But finally she came home and laid beside him.

"Hey." Derek muttered as he pulled her close.

"Hey." She said with a soft smile as she cuddled into his side.

"How was your night?" Derek asked softly.

"Long." She moaned as she felt his hand run down her side and hip. "I'm just tired..." She muttered as she closed her eyes. "So tired..."

Derek nestled his head into her hair and closed his eyes. She didn't smell good. She didn't really smell bad, either. She just wasn't her. The first thing that he noticed about her the first night they met was her smell. The soft flowery scent that fill his nostrils. It was a smell of comfort. It was the smell of hope. Of love. As he told another breath, he could tell that she hadn't been taking care of herself. He gently ran his hand down her leg. She hadn't shaved either. It broke his heart. She needed a break, and with the holidays coming, she probably wasn't going to get it.

The bed turned cold. It was a cold night. But that wasn't why the bed was cold. The bed was cold because Meredith was no longer occupying it. Derek's eyes fell to the clock. It was two am. She had only been home an hour. He had only gotten an hour of peaceful sleep. He sat up and looked around the room. He could see a small stream of light pouring out of the bathroom door. As his feet hit the cold hardwood floor, he listened. He thought he head a muffled cry.

As Derek opened the door, he heard her soft crying. It broke his heart. To see her crying. And he had no idea why. Her hands were over her face. Her body was down in the deep water of the bathtub. He slowly walked over and crouched down beside her. She jerked when she felt his hand touch hers.

"Meredith... What is wrong?" He asked as his face fell.

He wanted to cry. Seeing her look like that, he himself wanted to turn into a bawling baby. He had thought they were happy. He thought everything was good. They were moving forward. He had been making plans and doing research. And apparently while he was so busy worrying about the future, he wasn't in the present. He hadn't noticed the downfall of Meredith.

"I- I don't know." She said as she began to sob loudly. "I don't know!"

She cried. She cried harder than she had in a long time. The sad part was, she really wasn't sure why. Her emotions were all over the map. If she wasn't screaming, then she was crying. She couldn't control herself. It was a deep depression. Then there were moments of happiness. Things just seemed to be getting worse.

And if the emotions didn't boil out of control, it was her back. Her back was killing her. She was having more pain than she ever had. After surgeries she just wanted to lay down and cry. Nothing helped. Narcotics helped, but she knew she couldn't perform surgeries when she was taking them. She she tried everything. She tried laying backwards over any surface. She tried hot showers. She tried soaking baths. The pain kept on. And she didn't know how much longer she could control it.

"You're okay, baby. You're okay." Derek told her as he stroked her cheek.

"I'm not." She said as she pulled away. "I can't stop crying..." She whined loudly. "I don't know why I can't stop..."

"Meredith... I-" He stopped his words.

He had no idea what to do. He had no idea how to console her. She was bawling her eyes out. She was breaking down in front of him. And he had no idea why. And it seemed, she didn't either. He leaned into the bathtub and pulled her out. Derek grabbed a fluffy towel and wrapped it around her warm body.

"You're going to be okay." He said with a smile as he kissed her head and carried her away.

Derek laid her down on the bed, and laid beside her. She moaned softly as he pulled her body against his warm one. The pain pills that she had taken when she came home were finally taking effect as she laid there. Finally she let her body succumb to the sleep that she so definitely needed. As Derek listened to her sleep softly, he knew he would be getting no sleep himself. Just more worrying.

--------------

Just as quickly as she come, she was gone. As Derek ate his toast and muesli, he couldn't get the thoughts out of his head. Last night was major. last night Meredith was on the verge of a compete mental breakdown. And this morning, he didn't even get to talk to her. He always woke up. He was a light sleeper. But this morning he hadn't.

Mark sat down at the table. Nothing was said. Derek always said something. He remained silent. He looked across at one of his oldest friends. He looked terrible. He looked like he had been through a war. Like he was suffering. He looked like his insides were rotting. Like he had been rotting a long time and now it was just starting to show.

"Are you okay, man?" Mark asked as he looked up at him.

"Something is wrong with Meredith." Derek said with a sigh as he dropped his toast on the plate.

"What do you mean? Is she sick?" Mark asked as he looked up from his food.

"I don't know. She had a breakdown last night. I woke up and she was crying in the bathtub. She claims she doesn't know what's wrong." Derek said with a sigh. "She just won't talk. I want to help her, and she won't let me. She just won't talk to me."

"You know how Meredith is. The perpetual fine." Mark said frankly.

"Not to me. Usually I can get her to talk." Derek told him. "I can't sleep, Mark. I cannot sleep. I can't sleep when she isn't home. And I can't sleep when she is because all I do is watch her. I want to protect her. But I don't even know what I am protecting her from." He said with a sigh. "So what do I do?"

"I have no idea." Mark admitted.

"I don't want to see her in pain anymore." Derek said as he tossed his plate and bowl in the sink. "I just- I thought we were fine."

"You are. You guys are fine. She's just-" Mark started.

"This is supposed to be the happily ever after part." Derek muttered as he pulled his coat on.

Derek pulled on his lab coat and made his way down the hallway. He saw her standing in the hallway. She was with her interns. He needed to check on her. He had to make sure that she was okay. He quickly made his way towards the group. As he walked up, her back was to him. He waved her interns off as he approached.

"What the hell? I wasn't done talking to you!" She yelled as she looked at them.

"Hey." Derek muttered as he came up from behind.

"What are you doing?" She asked as she turned around. "Did you run my interns off?"

"Maybe." He said with a smile as he leaned down and kissed her softly.

"That's not very nice." She said with a giggle as she flipped her chart shut.

"So. Do you want to talk about last night?" He asked as he cocked his head to the side.

"Last night? No. I'm fine. Everything is fine." She said with a smile.

"Fine. Okay. Just like when you fell asleep during sex. Mer, you never fall asleep during sex." He said with a frown.

"Not this fucking sex thing again, Derek. I fell asleep. I was tired. I am sorry." She said as she clenched her jaw. "How many times to do you want me to apologize for something I warned you would happen... I'm sorry."

"I know you are. But it isn't good for the ego when your girlfriend falls asleep underneath you. And you cry. And you avoid." He said with a sigh. "Something is wrong."

"I'm fine." She said as she pecked his cheek. "And I have a patient."

Fine. Oh how he detested the word. It was a lie. Maybe she didn't even realize that she was saying it. Fine. The word meaning that everything was alright. The word that assured you that everything would be okay. But it was not. Not close. But he didn't know what was off.

**Meredith is so not fine. But don't worry...She will be.**


	90. Finally Noticing

They went on. They went on just the way they had been. Their lives continued in the mess that had become their lives. Not so much a mess, more of unsteady. Meredith wasn't opening up. Not that she ever did. But Derek knew that she was in pain. She was in a great amount of pain. And he just wanted her to feel better. But she wouldn't admit it. And things were not changing. Not changing. Not getting worse. Not getting better.

For the first time in forever, they were going home together. Actually leaving the hospital at the same time. It seemed like forever since they walked out of the hospital's entrance hand in hand. As they walked out the door, they looked at the snow. Meredith had always loved the snow. Derek felt the pull on his hand as she stopped.

"What are you doing?" Derek asked as he looked back with a smile.

"It's snowing." She said as she stuck her tongue out and caught a snowflake.

"It is." Derek agreed with a smile as he stroked her cheek.

Derek watched as she stood there. The glow of the Christmas lights reflected on her bright green eyes. Derek's smile grew as he saw her happy. She truly looked happy as she caught snowflakes like a child. It was like she was experiencing the childhood she never had.

"I love you..." Derek said softly as he pulled her close.

"I love you too." She agreed as she placed her lips on his. "So much."

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he pulled away and grabbed her hand.

"I am. I want chicken parmesan." Meredith told him with a big smile.

"Oh... Do you?" Derek asked her with a grin.

"I do. Unless you are too tired. If you are too tired, I understand." Meredith told him as they walked up to the Denali.

"Of course not. If you want chicken, we will have chicken. But we have to stop at the store." Derek explained. "We don't have everything I need."

"Okay." She said with a smile as she climbed in the car.

Meredith drew in a deep breath as Derek drove down the road. Every bump killed her. Every bump sent a piercing pain down her back. She gripped the seat tightly as they went along. She took several deep breaths as she closed her eyes. Breathe throught the pain. Just breathe. Something was wrong. Something was really wrong with her. She knew it. And she was starting to get really scared.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"Yeah. Of course. I'm just tired." She told him as she looked over.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes..." She said as she clenched her jaw. She felt his hand cover hers. Derek's eyes got wide as as he felt the tight grip she had on the seat.

"Meredith..." Derek asked in shock.

"I hurt Derek..." She finally cried out in pain. Derek looked over in shock. "I need to go home."

"Oh my god, Mer... Are you okay?" He asked as he pulled the car to the side of the road. "What hurts?"

"My back. It's flaring up. I need a pain pill. Now. I need it now." She said as she started to breath quickly.

"No. We need to go to the hospital." Derek said as he turned the car around.

"No! No... I just need to go home. After I take one, I will be fine." She said quickly. "Please. I just want to go home... Please, Derek!" She pleaded as she looked over at him.

"Meredith..." He said as he glanced over.

"I know myself. It will go away. I was bent over in the OR today. The table wasn't right. It was too low. I'll be fine." She said quickly, trying to convince him.

"Fine. If you are sure." He asked as he looked into her eyes.

"I am." She said with a nod as he turned around and headed home.

---------------

Meredith walked as quickly as she could to the apartment door. She quickly stuck the key in and swung the door open. She didn't even bother shutting it. She crossed the kitchen and grabbed her bottle of pain pills on in the cupboard. Without a glass of water she swallowed down two. Now she just had to wait for the relief.

Derek frowned when he walked in and saw her standing there. Her hands were on the counter as she supported herself. She was in pain. A lot of pain. But she wouldn't admit it. And she wasn't willing to do anything about it. He walked up and placed his hand on hers. She at least needed to know he was there.

"I think there is spaghetti sauce in the freezer." Derek said with a faint smile. What else could he say.

"That would be great." Meredith agreed as she stood up.

"Okay. I will make dinner. Why don't you go take a bath?" He asked as he looked up.

"Sounds perfect." She agreed as she slowly walked away.

Derek watched as he tiny body disappeared into their room. He grabbed the sauce from the freezer and began warming it up. Not the ideal dinner, but it would work. As he stirred the sauce, he heard the bathroom door open. He placed pasta on their plates and then the sauce.

"Feeling better?" He asked as Meredith walked out in her flannel pajamas.

"I am." She said with a smile.

"Good." He said as he placed the plates on the table.

Derek watched as Meredith placed bite after bite of pasta in her mouth. She was feeling better. When she wasn't feeling good, the first thing she did was stop eating. And she was now eating. It was a good sign. He wanted her to open up and talk about it, but he knew she wouldn't. He was just going to have to be a better detective.

"I can't go home for Christmas." Meredith finally told Derek as she took a sip of her water.

"I know." Derek said with a big sigh.

"How did you know?" She asked with a frown.

"Santos is going to be out of town. And I need to be there too." He said sadly.

"I'm sorry." She said with a frown.

"As long as we are together." He said with smirk as he looked up.

"Yeah." Meredith muttered as she looked at the red sauce. "Our first Christmas back together. And we will be at the hospital." They both ate in silence, looking at their own plates. Finally Derek spoke.

"How long, Meredith?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"What?" She asked as she glanced over at him.

"How often are you in pain?" He asked sternly, giving her the firm glare she knew too well.

"A few times." She muttered. "Just a few times."

Meredith failed to mention what exactly that meant. She failed to elaborate that a few times was actually a few days a week. Even more than a few days a week. Almost everyday. Daily pain. Daily pain that she didn't want him to worry about. Derek seemed satisfied as she looked into his eyes.

"I want you to talk to me, okay. From now on, you talk." He scolded.

"Okay." She said with a smile and a nod. "So how is your mom... About Christmas?"

"She understands. I promised we would come up there sometime after." Derek explained. "Are you done?" He asked as he pulled her plate away.

"I am." She said with a nod. "It was good, thanks."

"No problem. Why don't you go lay on the sofa while I do the dishes?" He asked with a smile.

"Okay." She agreed as she walked over to the sofa and gently laid down. Derek quickly finished the dishes and walked into the room. "Will you rub my back?"

"Of course." He said as he knelt next to the sofa and pushed her shirt up. "How does that feel?"

"Great." She said with a smile as she closed her eyes. "Perfect..." Neither noticed the door open over Meredith's moans.

"Hey guys..." Mark said with a smile as he walked in the door, followed by Kristy.

"Hello..." Kristy said with a smile. Meredith quickly pulled her shirt down and sat up.

"Hey." Meredith said with a weak smile.

"Kris and I went out to dinner. We thought maybe you guys would want to watch a movie?" Mark suggested with a shrug.

"Sounds good." Derek agreed after he noticed and approving nod from Meredith.

"Great!" Kristy said with a smile as she pulled off her coat and shoes.

"What do you want to watch?" Meredith asked as she looked over at them.

"Whatever you want." Mark muttered as he and Kristy grabbed seats.

Derek laid back against the arm of the sofa. Meredith leaned back and laid against his chest. She felt so much better since the pain medication began to work. Derek watched the movie, but he was more interested in her. He was more interested in the fact that her lavender scent had returned. She could feel him nestle his nose into her hair and take a deep breath.

"You know I love you, right?" He whispered into her ear.

"I know." She said with a smile as she turned her head and gave him a peck on the lips.

Kristy and Mark both noticed Meredith and Derek. The crazy thing was, neither felt an ounce of jealousy. Kristy was happy to see them both so happy. They were a beacon of hope for so many. If they made it through, anyone could. Meredith laid her head back and closed her eyes as the sleeping pill she had taken started to take effect.

"Holy shit." Kristy said with wide eyes as she looked over at a loudly snoring Meredith.

"You get used to it. Eventually she just drowns into the background." Mark said with a chuckle as he looked over.

"She's a beast!" Kristy said with a giggle as she looked over.

"She is." Derek said with a smile as he kissed her head. "I'll be right back." Derek said as he scooped her up and walked her to their room. He pulled back the covers and laid her down. Letting her sleep on the sofa would be no favor to her.

"Is she okay?" Kristy asked as Derek came back alone.

"Her face looked painful." Mark pointed out as he glanced over. "And she wasn't Meredith. No joking. No laughing. She's not herself."

"She's in pain. Her back... I think it is bothering her." Derek said with a deep sigh. "She was bawling the other night. And today she was crying in the car. But she refused to go to Seattle Grace."

"Her back has been bothering her. She has said something the last few days." Kristy explained.

"Days?" Derek questioned quickly.

"Yeah. It's been bothering her for awhile. What do you think is going on?" She asked.

"I could be anything." Derek said with a sigh.

"She survived. She should have never survived. That was a miracle in itself." Mark pointed out. "People don't survive side impacts. Not like that. The car flipped six times." He explained to Kristy.

"Oh my god..." Kristy said as she began to feel sick. "I can't imagine..."

"She broke her pelvis, her back, her leg. I don't know what else. And she had a traumatic aortic disruption. They almost lost her six times..." Mark explained as he looked at her and then at Derek.

"It was bad." Derek said as she swallowed the lump in his throat. "And now she suffers for it."

"So what are you going to do?" Kristy asked as she looked up at Derek.

"What can I do?" He asked in frustration.

"The no talking thing... She is stubborn." Kristy pointed out with a frown.

"You have no idea." Mark warned. "It will come to a head, Derek."

"That's what I'm afraid of." Derek said as he rubbed his face.

And that was what he was afraid of. He was afraid that she would wait until she was in so much pain that she would do anything to relieve it. He was afraid that it would bring her to her knees. He couldn't fore her to so anything. As much as he wanted to, he knew he couldn't. Mark was right, eventually it would boil over. Like an unwatched pot.

**Yeah...Mer is really hurting...**


	91. Relaxation

Meredith had been feeling better. Not really better. But as far as everyone knew, she was feeling better. There was just one problem. Her new found pain free life was only from the pain pills that she ate like candy. Not to mention the muscle relaxers that she took before bed. No one would have to know. She knew it wasn't right. But she was so scared. She was terrified at the idea that something could be really wrong.

She was afraid. Fearful. She would never tell anyone. But the thought of being in the hospital scared her to death. The last time she had been, she woke up with her jaw wired shut and alone. She didn't want to have scans. Scans led to trouble. Physical therapy, which she didn't have time for. And then the worst, the operating room. And she wasn't going to have any of that.

The thought of having tests taken was scary. The thoughts of the possible problems... Scary. This was working. In fact, it was working so well that she almost didn't remember that she had pain. She wasn't addicted and she wasn't taking more that she was prescribed. She was just taking them when she wasn't supposed to. And that was the problem.

"Hey." Derek said softly as he crept behind her.

"Hey." She responded softly as she turned and gave him a soft kiss.

"How is your day going?" Derek asked as he cocked his head.

"It's good. Busy, but good." She said, taking in a breath that she needed. "But I have tomorrow off. But don't expect to see me. I have a ton of Christmas shopping to do. I probably won't be home until after you."

"No. I think your plans have changed." Derek told her frankly as he pulled and envelope out of his pocket.

"What do you mean?" She asked as she grabbed the purple envelope out of his hand.

"Open it." Derek told her with a grin as she looked down at it.

"A spa?" She asked as she unfolded the paper. She had heard about this place. It was supposedly amazing. They had a waiting list a mile long.

"You have an appointment tomorrow." He said with a satisfied nod as he looked into her green eyes.

"Oh Derek... It's sweet." She said with a smile, and then her face dropped. "But I can't do it. I can't go. I have so much to do. I have a whole list. And I have no time. Christmas is coming and I have no time!" She said in a near panic.

"You have an appointment. Tomorrow. You, Addison and Kristy." Derek told her frankly. "You need this."

"Addison and Kristy? What if they don't have time?" She asked. "I just can't. Not right now."

"You can. And you will. I talked to them. They are on-board. In fact, Addison is picking both of you up. You need it. You are going. I have one case tomorrow, and I will spend the rest of the day and night Christmas shopping." He said firmly as he stared her down.

"Derek... You can't shop!" She stated as she looked at him.

"I can. I can shop. And I will." Derek said happily.

"Fine." She knew there was no arguing. "Fine. But-"

"No buts." He said as he kissed her and walked away.

"Mr. Davison doesn't want the surgery." Dina Eastman said as she walked up to Meredith.

"What? He was fine this morning." Meredith said quickly as she turned around.

"He's saying he is too old and he doesn't want to do it." Dina said with a frown.

"I'll have to talk to him." Meredith said as she rolled her eyes and began walking to his room.

"Um... Dr. Grey?" Dina asked softly.

"Yes, Dr. Eastman?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Dr. Pierce... Is she coming back? I mean not that I- It's just- The workload and-" Dina stammered along as they walked.

"You do realize that with Dr. Pierce gone, you have a higher chance of getting in on amazing surgeries, right?" Meredith asked with raised brows. "She's coming back. January second, she is coming back." Meredith said quickly.

And how she wished she wasn't. Ever since the first day Ellen started, Meredith knew she didn't like her. It was wrong, to not like your intern, but she didn't. Ellen had and attitude and she was careless. And Meredith always felt like she had to watch her back. So January second was a day she was dreading.

-------------------

"Are you really sure that you want to take it on?" Meredith asked as she snuggled into Derek's warm side.

"Christmas shopping?" He asked as he looked down at her.

"Yep." Said said with a smile. "You do realize it's a living hell, right?"

"No... It'll be easy." Derek said with and unbelieving nod. "Piece of cake."

"Too much confidence. If you keep going on like that, you're really going to have it rough." She said with a giggle.

"Uh huh..." He said with a grin as he kissed her neck.

"Not tonight, okay?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"Are you okay?" He asked with concern as he looked down at her.

"Just sleepy and a little achy." She said with a smile.

"But you will have all day to rest." He pointed out. "You are doing to a day spa tomorrow."

"Seriously?" She asked as she furrowed her brow. "You get me a day at the spa, and you expect sex?"

"No. I don't expect sex." Derek said quickly. "I just thought..." He said as he looked into her eyes.

"Okay." She said as she rolled her eyes and pulled her shirt off. "Strip."

"What?" He asked as he looked at her.

"Strip. You know, take of your clothes and all that." She said as she pulled off her bra.

"So much for romance. And foreplay, for that matter." He said as he stripped naked. "And seriously? How can you not want this?" He asked as he motioned to himself. That worked. It always worked. She couldn't not look at that cock and want it. Not to mention the amazing orgasm that seemed to take all her pain away.

"You're right... I just don't know what has gotten into me!" She joked as she looked at him. "I was tired..." She said as he hand grazed his cock. "Was..."

"Oh god I need you." He moaned as he sat up and sucked on her chest. Meredith quickly straddled his legs and looked into his eyes. "Fuck." He said loudly as he took her nipple in his mouth and bit down, grinding it between his teeth. Meredith felt her twat begin to tingle. "You are so beautiful. So beautiful..." He told softly as he kissed her softly on her lips. He could feel her cheeks turn hot. His mouth slowly began sucking on her neck, tasting her sweet flesh on his tongue. She moaned as he nipped and sucked hard, causing red welts. His mouth trailed down. He sighed as he looked the perfect breasts, teasing him. His mouth instantly went to each one, teasing and sucking them into hardened peaks, once again. Derek gently shoved her down on her back.

"Oh..." She moaned as she felt him suck on her navel. She sucked her abdomen in at the sensation of his tongue swirling around. "Oh god!" She gasped as she felt his fingers enter her moist heat.

"God you're wet for someone who didn't want this." He muttered as he swirled his finger around, flicking and rubbing. Teasing and touching. He felt her clit began to swell as he pushed harder, sending her closer and closer.

"Oh my god...oh...shit...oh my..." She moaned as she began to release her hot cream onto his fingers. She smiled as he began to suck on them. "Fuck me..."

"Yeah... I thought you didn't-" Derek said quickly as he slid over her.

"Fuck Me!" She screamed as she spread her legs as wide as she could. He gently pushed her knees up and entered her slowly. "Oh my god!" She gasped as she felt the length of his large cock hastily penetrate her. She immediately felt strong sensations taking her over. He filled her completely. His girth pressed against her tight walls.

"Tight, so tight..." He said with a grin as he slid himself in and out of her, his hands on the side of her body. "Oh..." He moaned. "So fucking tight!" He grunted as he pushed and pulled against the resistance. She gasped as she felt his length reach deeper and farther.

"Derek...oh god...Derek..." She screamed as he quickened his pace. "Oh my..." She moaned. "Harder... Harder, faster, harder!"

"Fuck!" He yelled breathlessly, as he pounded into her with force.

"Harder!" She screamed as she squeezed his back tightly. "Oh god! Oh god!" She shouted as she began to ride the waves of her orgasm.

"Meredith...Oh my...Mer..." He moaned loudly. "Fuck..." He could feel her tightening around him.

"I'm...oh god!" She shouted as she felt a rush of heat. "Harder...shit...Don't stop. Harder..." Slipping. Sliding.

"Fuck...I'm...oh..." He grunted as he thrust into her and released. Meredith slid her hands down his sweaty back and squeezed.

"I love you..." Derek said softly as he pulled out and rolled over.

"Love you too." She said as she slowly crawled to the other end of the bed. Meredith laid her head back and closed her eyes. She felt Derek lay his head on her abdomen.

"I want to try again. I want to try for a baby." Derek said as he looked at her face. She slowly opened her eyes. "When you are ready. I am when you are." He said as he kissed her stomach and crawled up to her.

Derek pulled her into an embrace. She didn't answer. But that didn't really bother him. He knew she was tired. He knew she was sore. And she just had sex for his benefit. At least it was out there. He knew that she knew. As she laid in his arms he could feel her heart still rapidly breathing. Meredith laid there comfortably in his arms. She knew she would pay for this tomorrow. Oh how her body would suffer.

------------------

"Derek is perfect, you realize that, right?" Addison asked as they pulled up to the spa.

"Yeah... I know." Meredith said with a smile as she glanced out the window.

"He never did anything like this for me. He really loves you." Kristy said with a happy nod.

"He does." Addison said with a smile.

"I know." Meredith agreed as Addison parked the car.

"Are you okay? You are very quiet today." Kristy pointed out as they climbed out of the car.

"I'm fine." Meredith said with a nod as she opened the door. Addison and Kristy both looked at each other.

"Grey, Montgomery and Samson." Meredith said as she walked up to the desk.

"Of course, right this way." She said as she led them all to another room. "Would you like some champagne?"

"Sure." They all said with a smile.

"I'll be back. Please put these on." She said as she pointed to the slippers and robe.

"Oh wow." Kristy agreed as she looked around at the waterfall and sweet smelling flowers. "This is amazing."

"It is." Meredith said with a nod. They all grabbed their robes and walked behind the screens to change.

"Here you go." The woman said as she brought the champagne back. "And if you will follow me, We would like to start with the mud bath."

"Eww." Kristy said quickly as she looked up.

"It's clean mud." The woman said with a chuckle. All three woman walked into the room and climbed down into the warm mud.

"This is wonderful." Kristy said with a smile as she looked over.

"Yeah..." Meredith agreed as she closed her eyes and sunk down. It was making her very achy back feel better.

"So Mer... How is Christmas shopping going?" Addison asked softly.

"Hell." Meredith muttered. "Actually, Derek should be doing it, right about...now." She said with a satisfied smile.

"Derek? Shopping?" Kristy asked as he eyes opened and she looked up.

"Derek does whatever she says." Addison explained. "He always has."

"Like Mark isn't that way with you." Meredith said as she looked over.

"He's getting there." she said with a knowing grin. "And I can't wait until he is."

They all laid there soaking up the warmth and comfort that was wrapped around them. Meredith felt herself begin to drift off to sleep. Maybe it was the glass of champagne she had taken. She knew she shouldn't have mixed it with the pain pill. But she only took one. She felt herself sinking.

"Shit!" She yelled as she sat up and wiped the mud off her face.

"What?" Addison said as she looked over. She quickly began laughing.

"Oh my god! What happened?" Kristy asked as she looked up at Meredith's muddy face.

"I fell asleep." She said as she began giggling.

"Oh my god..." Addison said as she shook her head in disbelief. "So maybe you need to talk. To stay awake."

"This is unbelievably relaxing." Kristy agreed with a moan.

"Derek wants to try again." Meredith said, out of the blue.

"What?" Kristy asked as she looked over.

"For another baby. And I... I don't know." Meredith said with a frown.

"I think you should. I think you should try again." Addison said with a smile. "Just because... It may not happen again, Mer."

"You should, Mer. You and Derek would be wonderful parents." Kristy agreed quickly.

"I'm just- I don't know." She said as she drew in a deep breath. "I want to. But I'm not sure if I am ready."

"You do what you are ready to do, when you are ready to do it." Addison said with a nod.

Meredith, Kristy and Addison enjoyed every bit of what the spa had to offer. Everything felt great. Meredith was feeling better than she had in awhile. That was until they did the hot stones and massaged her back. She laid there quietly, tears streamed from her eyes. Maybe it would help. Maybe if she could just take this pain, she would feel better afterwards. When it came time for her to come off the table, it took every ounce of strength for her to do it. She was thankful when she finally got dressed back in her street clothes. She was ready to go home.

The ride home was silent. Everyone felt too comfortable and relaxed to talk. They just needed to absorb the newfound peace they had experienced. Meredith was thankful as they dropped her off at her apartment. She needed to be home. She quickly walked into the apartment. Meredith was shocked as she saw tons of bags laying in the living room.

"Der?" She asked as she grabbed a pain pill out of her purse and swallowed it down.

"Hey. How was it?" He asked as he walked up and kissed her.

"Wonderful. Thank you. So what is this?" She asked as she looked through the bags.

"Everything on your list. And then some." He said with a proud grin.

"Seriously?" She asked in shock. "How?"

"I am amazing." He boasted as he kissed her again. Meredith quickly looked through the bags in shock. He really did it.

"You are." She said as she kissed him softly. "It's done. All the shopping is done." She said as she let out a sigh of relief. "This is why I love you..."

"I know." He said with a grin. "And you didn't think I could do it."

"No I didn't. I guess I should never doubt your amazing skills." She said with a giggle.

"You have that right." Derek agreed as he walked into the kitchen.

"You made dinner too?" She asked in shock. "You are such a good wife- Er... Girlfriend."

"And I am masculine enough that I can handle that statement." He said frankly. Meredith walked behind him and wrapped her arms around his back.

"You have that right." Meredith said seductively as she grazed her hand against his crotch. "So right..."


	92. Going Back

Meredith smiled as she looked at the clock. She was off in ten minutes. Ten minutes, that is unless something bad happened. And she wasn't going to say anything. It seemed every time someone said it was quiet, or dead, or any other like work, there was a five car pileup on the highway. As she finished writing her post-op notes, she was really beginning to wonder why exactly her interns weren't doing it for her. But yet, she didn't really care, at least they were out of her hair.

"When are you off?" Derek asked as he walked up in his street clothes and gave her a peck on the cheek.

"Ten... No, make that seven minutes." She said with a smile as she made her last pen scratch on the paper and pushed it aside.

"You don't seem so sure... How many seconds?" Derek teased as he looked up at her.

"Twelve." She stated quickly. "I can't wait to get out of here. It has been a hell of a week, and I have tomorrow off. Are you done?"

"Do I look like I'm done?" He joked as he looked down at himself.

"I guess you do." She said with a nod and a sigh.

"Okay. It's time." Derek said as he grabbed her arm.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked up at him.

"Come on..." He repeated as they walked into the locker room. Meredith quickly began changing her clothes.

"What has got your boxers in a bunch?" She asked with a giggle as she looked over at him.

"We just... We have to go." He said with a nod as she slammed her locker door shut and followed him out.

Meredith held Derek's hand as they walked out to the car. She wanted to tell him yes. She wanted to say she was ready to have a baby. But she wasn't. She could be, if she had to. But all she could think about was her fellowship coming up. And then there was all the long hours. Not to mention the past. She couldn't handle that again. Her eyes got wind as she glanced in the back of the Denali.

"What- Why is our luggage in the back? Oh my god, Derek! We aren't going to your mother's are we. I'm not ready for that. I didn't- The presents aren't wrapped. I didn't know we were going so soon. And- How did you- You don't know what to pack for me." She stammered in a panic.

"First of all, we are not going to mom's and secondly, I know everything you need. I know you better than I know me, remember?" He asked with a grin.

"So what are we doing?" Meredith asked as she ringed her hands. That was just one of her little nervous habits.

"We have a plane to catch." Derek told her with a nod.

"But- Where the hell are we going?" Meredith snapped as she looked around.

"You'll see." Derek said with a faint smile.

Meredith pried and pried to no avail. Derek absolutely would not tell her any details of the little trip he had been planning so long. She wasn't going to know anything until she had to. He had put too much time and effort in it to let her figure it out. this was really important. It was life changing.

"Come on!" Derek shouted as he pulled her along.

"Why does it seem we are always running to catch our plane?" Meredith whined as she ran along.

"It's not my fault there was an accident on the highway. At least we didn't get paged..." He said as he jogged along.

"Last call for flight 798 to New Hampshire." They said right as they approached the gate.

"New Hampshire? Why the hell are we going to New Hampshire?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him in confusion.

"Business." Derek mumbled quickly.

-----------------

"Seriously, Derek? Why are we going to New Hampshire?" She asked as she poked him in the side.

"Now if I tell you, it wouldn't be a surprise." Derek told her frankly. "It is supposed to be a surprise."

"Why would we want to spend Christmas Even in New Hampshire?" She said more to herself than to him. "I had plans..." She muttered.

"Plans? What kind of plans did you have for Christmas Eve?" Derek asked with a chuckle, knowing she had none.

"Big ones. See, tonight we were going to decorate the tree that we don't have with the ornaments we also don't have. And then, I was going to make you cook me chicken parmesan. Yes, make you. Because it is my favorite. And we would stay up and watch some stupid Christmas movie on the sofa. Then we could have had hot sex all night. Then I was expecting to wake up to the smell of breakfast. Being cooked by you, of course. We would be lazy all day and open our presents. Maybe drink the eggnog that we both don't like. No. Hot butter rum. We like that. That we could have done. Then that would have been followed by more hot sex. But now. Now we are going to New Hampshire." She huffed loudly. "So sorry for you."

"All that. Really?" He asked with a chuckle. "You are too cute." He laughed as he pecked her on the cheek. "Decorating our non-exsistant tree. Me doing all of the work... Not that I'm not used to it. Drinking, now that isn't a surprise, we do that well. And they sex. Well, what can I say about the se? All of these plans come from the girl who hates Christmas..."

"That may be right." She said with a sad sigh. "But I do hate Christmas."

"You love Christmas with me." He said as he grabbed her hand. "Remember that stupid little tree we put up on the apartment?"

"The one that continually fell down? How could I forget? Every time I left the room... Boom, and broken glass." She asked as she rolled her eyes. "Your mom always had the most beautiful tree."

"Yeah, she did..." Derek mused with a sigh. "Does...I'm sure it is this year too."

"I wish I could get into it. But I just can't... How many good Christmases have I had?" She asked with a frown.

"Two. Maybe two." She told him sadly. "Every year it was the same. My mom would forget. I mean, it's coming for months. Even the hospital decorated. Everywhere you go, they are throwing Christmas in your face. But somehow she would forget. And Richard would have to make up for it. He was busy too. But he tried. He did try. But it wasn't like everyone else's. It was like a chore. I just hate it." She told him with a frown.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I wish you had it better. But I am bound and determined to make ever future Christmas and every holiday the best you have ever had for the rest of your life." He told her as he leaned over and kissed her temple.

"Derek..." She giggled as she shook her head. "You are so full of shit."

"Why do you have to ruin my perfect sentimental moment with a giggle and doubt?" He asked with a chuckle.

"I just do." She replied with a smile. "So are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?" He asked as he looked up.

"Why we are going..." She said happily. "You do realize they got dumped on last night."

"Yeah. They did have a nasty storm. Don't worry... I packed your boots." He pointed out.

"Boots! Why do I need boots?" She asked, trying to figure out his puzzle.

"Boots are generally what one wears in the snow." He told her frankly. "In case you didn't know."

Meredith started to feel sick. Why were they going back? Why would they go back to the place where it all happened? Back to the state where their lives started and ended. She started to get upset the more she thought about it. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready to face any of it. She wasn't ready for this. No matter what it was.

"I don't want to go, Derek!" Meredith said as she started to sniffle. "I don't understand why we are going back there." She whimpered.

"Mer... Why are getting so upset? We are just going to a state. For business. You will be fine." He told her as he wiped her tears.

"I don't want to go back. I'm not ready." She said as she buried her head into her neck.

"Don't worry, Meredith... Don't I always take care of you?" He asked as he looked down at her. "Do I ever purposely put you in danger?"

"No." She muttered as she looked up.

"That's what I thought." He told her with a smile as he kissed her head.

----------------

Meredith curled into Derek's side. The bed was so perfectly warm and comfortable. Derek's body felt so great next to hers. She never wanted to leave her position. She had forgotten where she was. She forgot that she was laying in the bed of their hotel suite. That she was in New Hampshire, the last place she wanted to be.

"We're still in New Hampshire, aren't we?" Meredith whined without opening her eyes.

"Unless Peter Pan came in the night and flew us to Neverland, yes we are still in New Hampshire." Derek moaned as he kissed her head. "Merry Christmas Eve." He said as he kissed her.

"Merry Christmas Eve." Meredith said as she kissed him softly on the lips.

"We need to get up." Derek told her frankly as he looked at her.

"I don't want to. I want to lay here all day..." She told him as she burrowed herself underneath him.

"I know you do. But we have to go back home tonight." He said with a sigh.

"Oh yeah... Work." She grumbled as she sat up. "So... Are you ready to tell me yet?"

"No." He said frankly. "But we need to take as shower. Breakfast will be here soon."

"We need to take a shower? We?" She asked as she raised her eyebrows. "I guess it would be a waste if we didn't use that morning wood." Meredith giggled as she ran her hand over his shaft.

"Yes it would!" Derek said as he swooped her up and ran into the bathroom. Derek flipped the water on and they both began to strip off their clothing. "You are so beautiful, baby."

"You do realize, you don't have to seduce me." Meredith said as she ran her hands down his back and to his ass.

"But I want to." He said as he sucked her neck.

"And I will let you." She said with a giggle and her hands ran up and down his huge shaft.

"Oh god...baby...I need you." He said as he ran his hands over her feminine mound, inserting one finger and fondling her clit.

"Oh..." She moaned as she spread her legs. Derek ran his hands down her ass and began to pick her up. "No... Not that way." She said as she twisted around. She knew her back would never be able to handle him pounding her against the tile.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked with concern.

"Yeah... I like it better this way." She muttered as she bent over and placed her ass in front of him, finding that wasn't much better.

"Whatever you want baby. Whatever you want." He said as he ran his hand down her ass and placed two fingers in pussy. He felt her ample wetness and slide his thick shaft inside gently.

"Oh god!" She yelled as she felt him penetrate her. "Oh..." Meredith moaned softly. "Just do it! Do it harder. Just fuck me!" [i_Just get it over with...Please.[_/i

"Okay." Derek said as he pounded into her, repeating his assault over and over.

"Oh! Oh! Shit." She yelped in a mixture of pain and pleasure. Their slick bodies rubbed against each others, the water trickling down.

"Shit... I'm coming." He moaned as he pumped harder and harder into her tiny core. Her hands held the wall as he hit her. His cock filled her pussy as he spilled into her hot core.

"Shit...Oh god! Derek...Fuck!" She yelled as she quickly released her fluid and mixed with his.

"Hmmm..." Derek moaned as he stood up and pulled out. "That..."

"Sucked." She said frankly as she turned around.

"It did!" Derek said with relief, thankful she agreed. "Why?"

"I have no idea." She muttered as she shook her head.

"Did you..." He asked, she nodded.

"I did. But it was..." She said with a sigh. "Did you?"

"Yeah...but it- Are you okay?" Derek asked with a big frown.

"Let's just do what we came here to do." She said with a disappointed sigh as she began to wash her body.

The sex sucked because she was hurting. Every time her pounded into her, it felt like he pounded into her. And not in a good way. It actually felt like she was being hit by a wrecking ball. Or bulldozed. She had been bulldozed. Once again, not in a good way. Her back was under attack, and she couldn't enjoy anything when she felt like that. She had to tell him. And she would. After the holidays, she would tell him. She had to.

----------------

She was in a limo. Yes, a limo. Derek gave her instructions. Do whatever the driver said. So here she was in her winter boots, her wool coats and a pair of jeans. At least Derek had packed her wool coat. At least she was warm. She had no idea what he was up to. And she wasn't sure she wanted to know. Her worrying increased as the driver drove through her old neighborhood. And she felt sick as he stopped at her mother's old house.

"It's open." The driver said. "I am to instruct you to go in and sit on the sofa until the doorbell rings."

Meredith walked up the sidewalk. It was memories unlimited as she remembered her past. She loved the house. She loved the house itself. But it was cold. It wasn't a happy home. In fact, the only happy home she ever had was the tiny apartment she shared with Derek. As she walked up, she looked at the huge white house. It was decorated for Christmas in fir and red ribbons. It was so much brighter and happier than when she lived there. As she opened the door and looked around, it was obvious that no one else was in the house. She sat on the sofa in silence as she stared at the perfect Christmas tree in the front of the window. It looked so perfect, so hallmark

Meredith jerked as she heard the doorbell ring. She slowly walked to the wood door. She had no idea what was on the other side. There was no glass as she looked at it. Who knew? Who knew who or what it would be. Her hand turned the knob as she sighed.

"Hey." Derek said as she opened the door.

"What is going on?" She asked as she looked into his eyes.

"You asked me where we were going that day. The day of the accident. I told you it wasn't important. But it was. It was supposed to be so important. And today, I am going to show you." He said as he grabbed her hand.

Meredith gasped as she looked at the road. There it was. A venetian red corvette with white coves. It was the car. Her car. Not her car, her car was totaled. But it was the same car. Her dream car. Her heart began to beat faster and faster as they walked towards it. She felt the lump in her throat grow as she began to cry. She couldn't do this. She couldn't.

"I can't Derek! I can't do it." She said as she tugged his hand and stopped. "I can't. I can't-"

"Meredith." Derek said as he placed his hands on either side of her face. "Look at me. It will be okay. You have me. And we are going to be okay. Just trust me, okay baby? Just this once, trust me." He asked as he looked into her eyes. "You have no idea how hard it will be for me to do this. But we need to. We both need to. We have got to move on. This will help."

"I'm so scared." she cried as she laid against his chest.

"I know you are. I know. But please trust me." He asked as he tipped her head.

"I don't want to die! I don't want to die, please Derek..." She said as she fell into his chest.

"We need to try." He said as he stroked her hair. "Meredith, please try with me."

"Okay." She said with a reluctant sob as she looked into his eyes. "Okay."

She walked slow. So slow. She didn't want to. She wasn't ready. Meredith and Derek climbed into the car. So many memories rushed through her head as she sat in the seat. All she could see was truck coming at her. She could feel the glass spray across her. She was near hyperventilation as they drove down the road.

"I can't! I can't!" She screamed as she covered her face. "I can't breathe. I can't breathe!" She cried as she attempted to pull in air. Derek quickly pulled off the road.

"You're okay, baby. You're okay." He said as he pulled her over to him.

"We can do this." Derek said as he grabbed her hand. When she felt his hand, she knew she would be okay.

Derek placed her hand under his as he shifted. Neither spoke during the drive. It was nerve-wracking. But at the same time, they needed to. They needed to so this in order to heal. They both needed to heal from the most traumatic experience they had ever felt in their lives. From the life changing tragedy that they had gone through. Meredith closed her eyes as he drove along. It seemed like days before they made it to their destination.

"We made it." Meredith said with a sigh of relief, finally letting out all of the air in her lungs that she had been holding.

"We did." He said with a smile as they opened their doors.

"Why are we here?" She asked as she looked around the snow covered grounds of the park.

"It was almost fifteen years ago. I was going to bring you here." He said as he grabbed her hand and they walked through the snow. They walked for awhile until they stopped at the river. Meredith smiled as she looked at the water running between the snow covered banks.

"It's beautiful." Meredith said with a soft smile.

"I had this all planned out." Derek said as he pulled a crumbled and bloody piece of paper out of his pocket. He had held it daily. He had read it daily. He didn't need to look at it. He knew what it said. "And this was what I was going to say... Meredith Grey..." He said as he grabbed her hand. "I know we have only known each other a year... But you are the most amazing woman I have ever meant. It was as if everything was still until I met you. Life didn't move. When I looked into your eyes that night, everything was so perfect. I knew that I had met the woman of my dreams. And since that night, every day has been a dream. And I want to feel that way for the rest of my life. Meredith Grey, you are the love of my life. And I want to grow old with you..." He said as he folded the paper up. "And now, fifteen years later, I still feel the same." He said as he knelt down on one knee. "Meredith... Will you marry me?" He asked as he pulled out the box and opened it.

"Oh my god!" Meredith said in shock as she looked down at him. Her eyes began to tear up. "Oh my god..." She repeated as the tears fell.

"Please answer...It's getting cold down here in the snow." Derek said quickly.

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will marry you!" She said as he stood and she jumped in his arms. "Yes..." She told him as she kissed him deeply. "Yes..."

"I love you." Derek said as he slid the ring onto her finger. "I have been waiting so long to do that."

"It's beautiful." She told him as she looked down.

"It was my grandmother's and then my mother's. And now it it where it belongs. It's yours." Derek said as she kissed him again. "We are where we belong..."

"Together." Meredith said softly.

"Forever." Derek agreed as he pulled her into and embrace, tears falling from both of their eyes. "Together forever..."

**So he finally asked her! Review...Let me know how I did.**


	93. Joining The Club

Meredith was still in shock as she sat next to Derek on the plane. She couldn't believe that he did that. It was such a big deal. It was obvious that he had been planning it for a long time. She watched as he played with his blackberry. A smile crossed her face. She was so lucky. Men like Derek didn't come along everyday. In fact, they were rare. And she had happened to snag one.

"I love you." Meredith said as she leaned over and kissed him softly.

"I love you too, future Dr. Shepherd." He told her as he kissed her back.

"You know... I'm thinking you should take my name instead. You can be Dr. Grey. Dr. Derek Grey." Meredith said with a grin.

"What?" Derek asked in shock. "You're not serious, are you?"

"I wasn't. But- What's the problem? You wouldn't take my name? Are you to masculine to do that?" She asked as she looked at him coldly.

"Mer..." He said, knowing that she was ready to go to battle over this. "It's not that I don't want to carry your name. It's just that ever since I saw you, I knew that I wanted you to be mine. My Mrs. Shepherd. I would take your name if you wnated me to. But I want everyone to know that this beautiful, amazing woman is mine."

"You did a nice job digging yourself out of that one, Dr. Shepherd." She said with a giggle.

"I did." He agreed softly. "We shouldn't be heading home."

"I know. You know, all these years, I did everything and anything to work on Christmas. And now all I want to do is be with your family. And now I get stuck freaking working." She grumbled. "We didn't even put a a tree. Not taht I like Christmas of anything like that."

"You like Christmas, Mer. You aren't fooling me. And next year, I promise we will have a tree. A huge tree. And we will not work. Okay?" He asked as he rubbed her hand.

"Okay..." She muttered. "I'm going to the restroom." She said as she stood up. "Meet me there." She whispered into his ear as she bit it.

"Seriously?" Derek asked as a huge grin spread on his face.

Derek had a grin a mile wide as he strut down the narrow aisle way. He had been waiting for this. He had been waiting for it all his life. He had been desperate to join the mile high club. And it seemed today was the day he was getting his membership. He felt his jeans tighten in anticipation of her moist warm home. The way her body felt with his was enough to have him more than ready.

"Shit. No one ever said it was this tight." Derek grumbled as he squeezed into the airplane's restroom.

"We don't have to..." Meredith told him quickly.

"I no... I want to. I really want to." He told her with a nod.

"I figured you packed me a skirt for a reason." She said as she rolled her eyes.

"I may have had ulterior motives doing that..." He agreed with a chuckle as he unzipped his jeans. They both looked up when they heard a knock on the door.

"Occupied." Meredith said quickly.

"Shit." Derek grumbled as he began zipping up his jeans.

"We better be fast!" She said as she spun him around and ripped his jeans open.

"Are you kidding? I don't think they left." Derek told her quickly.

"Then they are going to get one hell of a show." She said as she pulled his erect penis out of his jeans.

Derek gently ran his hands down her ass, grabbing her thighs and wrapping her legs around him. Meredith grasped his cock in her hand and slide it in gently as he pushed her against the wall. Derek felt so perfect inside her body. It was like the puzzle piece that was made for hers. They both closed their eyes as he slid in and out gently.

"Oh god, Derek..." She whispered into his ear.

"You are so wet, baby. How long have you been waiting?" He asked as he continued to work her.

"Forever... It felt like forever!" She groaned as she tipped her hips so that he could go deeper. "Oh god HArder and faster, baby. We need to get out of here!" Derek quickly picked up his pace, the door banging softly.

"Oh fuck, baby!" He said quickly as he felt her hot walls clamp around him. "Oh!" He yelped as he felt his cock release his hot fluid into her, shooting over and over. Twitching. Tightening.

"Oh... You are so perfect." Meredith moaned as her feet slowly slid to the floor. "Thank you."

"Better than this morning..." Derek said with a smile.

"Yes, much." She agreed as he zipped up. "Are you ready for this?"

"After that, I am ready for anything." Derek said with a chuckle as she opened the door.

Meredith's eye got wide as she walked out the door and looked up and a little old woman. She was so embarrassed. She froze in place. She felt like it was her grandma studying there shaking her finger at her. Or at least her grandmother if she had one. She couldn't move. Her feet wouldn't move. She just stood there. She felt Derek nudge her from behind.

"Adventurous young things, aren't we?" The old woman said with a giggle and a wink.

"Oh my god..." Meredith muttered as she high tailed it down the aisle and back to her seat. "That was so embarrassing!" Meredith said quickly as he sat down next to her.

"I know." He admitted as he looked over at her. "And I swear she grabbed my ass when I walked by."

"Are you kidding me?" Meredith asked with a hearty laugh.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" Derek asked as he sat there with a face of stone. "There was ass grabbing. Hard ass grabbing. Old lady ass grabbing."

"You're not kidding!" She said with a sigh. "I couldn't move. All I could think of was my nonexistent grandma."

"When I looked at her, I saw my mother." Derek said as he shook his head.

"Oh man... That is rough." Meredith agreed as they sat there. Both of their eyes got wide as the little woman walked by and gave them a grin. "I say we jump out the emergency exit."

"I'm not getting out of this seat. I think I could be a victim of sexual harassment again." He told her with a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, baby." Meredith said as she patted his hand and pecked him on the cheek. "Everybody wants you." She said with a giggle.

"So true." He agreed with a smile.

"After today, I just want to go home. I want to go home and lay in our warm bed. With you, of course." She said as she rubbed his hand.

"That sounds like a plan." Derek agreed. "You look tired..."

"I am. I think I'm going to take a nap. Yell if she comes back around. Or scream rape." She told him with a smile.

"Oh my god..." Derek said with a chuckle as he shook his head. "Have a good nap."

As Derek sat back in his seat, he stared at Meredith. He was so happy to have her there next to him. He was so proud to know her. She was such and amazing woman. He had feared deep down that she would have reacted very differently to his proposal. He knew what a big deal it was for her to get in that car with him. He was hoping it would help heal them. He was hoping that now they could put that tragedy behind them forever.

As he sat there, listening to her snore, he wondered how she was. How she really was. She thought he was stupid. And stupid, Derek Shepherd was not. He knew that her back was still hurting her. He knew that her back pain was the reason for their bad sex. And he also knew that he would give her a few more days. A few more days of this charade, and he was going to explode it everywhere. After the holidays, when the doctors were back on a real schedule, he was going to get to the bottom of this.

-----------------

"Mmm... You are amazing." Meredith smiled as she walked into their bedroom. "The bath was a amazing. You should have joined me."

"I was cleaning up our dinner." Derek told her frankly. "Besides, you needed it."

"Well thank you, it was amazing." She told him as she climbed into the warm bed with him and cuddled against his side.

"Good. You deserved it. You gave me my membership." Derek said with a grin and he pulled her into him.

"I did. Even if we were embarrassed and feared for your safety." She said with a giggle. "You did good, Derek. It was perfect."

"The sex... Yeah, I thought so." He told her with a grin.

"Not the sex!" She said, knowing that he knew better. "The proposal. It was perfect. It was so perfect."

"Good. I hoped it would be. Even if it was fifteen years late. It would have been better back then. I had it all planned out. I went out there the day before and scoped out the perfect spot." Derek told her happily.

"It was wonderful just the way it was. You know I love the snow." She reminded him as she rested her head on his chest and listened to his heart. "You had that paper... All this time you had it?"

"I did. I always had it in my pocket. I never told anyone. I couldn't let it go. I would pull it out and read it everyday. And now, I don't have to. Because I said it. I actually got to say it to you." Derek explained as he kissed her on the head.

"And the ring... The ring is perfect." She said as she held her hand out and looked at it.

"I asked mom for it when we went back on Thanksgiving. She was holding it. Maybe deep down, we knew you would come back." He said softly.

"You didn't give it to Kristy..." Meredith finally realized as she sat there and thought.

"It wasn't hers. It was yours. It was always meant to be yours." Derek told her with a kiss. "So when do you want to get married?"

"Oh my god! Not already." She said quickly. "How about we just enjoy life for right now?"

"For now. But I will get you, Meredith Grey. You know you can't resist me." He pointed out.

"You have that right." She said with a giggle.

"So... What kind of wedding do you want?" Derek asked as he stroked her hair.

"A quiet one. You were already married. I just want you and I." She told him softly.

"You're sure?" Derek asked softly.

"Positive..." She moaned as she closed her eyes. "Just you and I..." She moaned.

"Let's go to bed..." She muttered as she closed her eyes.

"Good idea..." Derek agreed.

"Love you... Goodnight." She said softly.

"Goodnight..." He said as he flipped the light off and closed his eyes.

-----------------

Meredith smelled breakfast. She stretched her arms and slowly and painfully climbed out of her bed. Her feet followed her nose out to the kitchen. Her grin grew as she saw Derek standing there making waffles.

"Merry Christmas!" Derek said as she walked up. "And good morning." He told her as he kissed her cheek.

"Merry Christmas. Mmmm. Waffles..." She said as she looked down.

"And hot chocolate." He told her as he sat it down.

"Sounds good." She said as she reached into the cabinet and grabbed her bottle of pain pills.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked as she threw one back.

"Uh huh... Just sore, you know?" She said as she smiled at him. "So... How close are they to being done?"

"They are." He said as he flipped a waffle out of the iron and threw it on a plate. Meredith grinned as he covered it with strawberries and whipped cream. "Here you go..."

"The breakfast of champions." She said with a smirk as she took a huge bite. "This is heavy cream, right?"

"Of course." Derek told her happily. "That's what you like."

"It is." She agreed with a nod as she continued to eat.

They both ate their breakfast and made light conversation. He caught Meredith glancing down at her new ring over and over again. He could tell on her face that she was truly happy. The only thing that was sitting in the back of his head as he ate his waffles was the pain pills. He needed to count them. He wanted to keep track. Not that he thought she was over dosing or abusing them. But he knew that was the only way he would ever know how much pain she was really in.


	94. Candy Cane

The hospital was busy. It was a holiday. It wasn't supposed to be busy. Not like it was. It seemed they every possible accident happened. There was no time for Meredith and Derek to even see each other. And they were so busy, they were thinking about nothing else but their jobs at the moment.

Meredith walked by the surgical board. It was eight in the evening. She had no idea how that day had gone so fast. But it had. It flew by. Luckily it flew by, otherwise they would have been thinking they were in hell. As she looked at the board, seeing Derek's name was not on the board, she smiled. It was time to initiate her secret plan.

Meredith walked into the locker room and grabbed her bag out of the locker. She walked into the restroom and began to change. She didn't want to be in the lounge too long. She knew they would have some spare time in there before the other doctors would trickle in after their surgeries and rounds. She smiled as she pulled her scrubs back over her body and walked down the hall.

"Dr. Grey!" She heard Danny Carter yell from behind.

"Fuck..." She moaned as she stopped in her tracks.

"What should I do?" He asked as he looked up at her.

"Are you kidding me? You are asking me what you should do?" She spat as she glared at him. "I. Am. Busy." She growled as she looked into his eyes.

"What is that... Are you wearing garters? Oh!" Danny said in shock as he looked at the hat sticking out of the bag she was carrying. "Somebody is getting some loving tonight." He chuckled. "Should I stay away from the on-call room this time?"

"You should get the hell out of here and keep your mouth shut!" She shouted as she spun on her heel and marched off.

Derek walked slowly down the hallway. He hadn't seen Meredith all day long. It was their first Christmas together, and they hadn't seen each other since breakfast. Derek quickly scribbled on a chart and tossed it to the side. His irritation was growing. That is, it was. It was until he read her page. Doctor's lounge now. Derek smiled as he walked happily towards the lounge. Finally. Derek quickly marched down the hallway and opened the door to the doctors lounge. His pants tightened immediately as he looked at her.

"Lock the door, Dr. Shepherd." She said in a low seductive voice.

Derek stood there and stared at her in shock. Meredith was sitting on the table with her legs crossed. She was wearing a red lacy bra and matching panties with white fluffy trim. On her legs were red thigh-high stockings with garters. On her head she had a fluffy santa hat. But that wasn't the best part. The best part was her mouth. She was sucking and licking a big white and red candy cane.

"I've been a bad girl, Dr. Shepherd." She said as she pushed and pulled the candy cane. "I'm on the naughty list..."

"Hmm... And what can we do about that?" Derek asked as he pulled of his lab coat and tossed it on the floor.

"Maybe I could do something nice to make up for it?" She asked as she pulled the candy cane out of her mouth and pouted.

"And what do you suggest?" Derek asked as he pulled his shirt and and walked out of his pants.

"I think I could think of something..." She said as she bit her finger. Derek walked up to her and placed his crotch against her.

"Lay back, Mer..." Derek said as he pushed her gently. Derek laid her back on the table and smiled as he took her in. "This is... Wow."

Derek leaned down and sucked on her abdomen and she sucked on her candy cane. Derek trailed his fingers and up and down her stocking clad legs. His hand ran down her feminine mound. He could feel the wet spot growing. Derek grabbed the candy cane out of her hand and sucked on it. He quickly rubbed it over her chest and cleavage and then followed it with his tongue. His lips went to her as he sucked on her bottom lip and slide his peppermint flavored tongue into her mouth. Both moaned as they sucked and teased each other.

"I need you..." He muttered as he pulled away breathlessly.

"And you can have me..." She grinned as she grabbed the candy cane and she rubbed her foot against his crotch.

Derek quickly slid off her red heels and let them drop to the floor. His hands began working on her garter as he unsnapped and grabbed the top of her stocking. Meredith placed her foot on his crotch as he rolled her stocking down and pulled it off her foot.

"So hot..." Derek moaned as he did the other stocking. "Fuck, Mer..." He moaned as he sucked on her knee and pecked kisses down her leg.

"Derek... I need you." She said as she rubbed her hand over herself.

"Oh Mer..." He moaned as he trailed his tongue up her leg and thigh. "You are amazing..." He moaned as he pulled her up to a sitting position and and gently pulled off her bra. Meredith laid back down on the table as he began to suck her breasts. His tongue trailed around her nipple and then he bite down softly. "Wow..." He said as he ran his hand over her flat abdomen and kissed it softly.

"We are in the lounge..." She giggled as he teased her soft flesh.

"We are." Derek agrees with a nod.

"No...Derek! We are in the lounge. Someone will come soon." Meredith moaned as his tongue trailed her bikini line.

"You're right about that." He muttered as he slid her panties off. "You smell good..." He muttered as his tongue went to work, lapping her wet pussy.

"Derek! We need to pick up the pace..." She moaned as he tongued her clit. "Just fuck me!" She moaned. "Oh god! Oh God!" She yelped as he flicked her clit with pressure. "Shit... Ohhhh!" She yelled as she flooded his mouth with cum.

"Oh god... Mmm..." He moaned as he licked his lips and climbed up on the table with her.

"Oh Derek... You're so hard." She moaned as she felt the head of his hard cock teasing her clit. "Shove it." She yelped as she pulled her legs apart. "Give it to me. Fill me up."

"Oh I will!" He said loudly as he thrust into her.

"Oh god..." She moaned as he felt his cock slide into her. Her walls spread to allow his size. "You're so big, baby..."

"Fuck." He grunted as the thrust into her. "You're so fucking tight." He groaned as he pushed and pulled. A smile grew on his face as he looked at the santa hat on her head.

His hands rested on the sides of her body on the table as he forced himself in and out of her. His mouth covered hers. He sucked a portion of the candy cane in in his mouth. They both continually sucked, sliding their tongues around it and into each other's mouth. She wrapped her legs tightly around his hips as he pressed his thick cock to her pussy lips. Her cum began to trickle down.

"Oh god!" She shouted as the head of his cock hit her cervix. Meredith threw her hips against him as she rode his big cock. Hot cum poured onto his hard cock as he continued to pound her over and over.

"Oh fuck!" Derek yelled as he felt himself near the edge. Derek tensed his body as he pumped his hard cock over and over into her wet pussy until his balls exploded. Meredith bit down on his shoulder, spilling her hot cum again. Derek pounded again. And again. His tongue fucked and licked her minty mouth, as her walls clamped down on his cock. He pounded into her creamy pussy without a pause harder and harder. Her body shook at the pounding force he had bestowed on her. Meredith's breasts bounced. She cried out as he pushed her once again to her ultimate pleasure. Meredith laid back and shook as her body continued to spasm over and over again. Derek grunted as he quit pumping and collapsed on top of her. His mouth sucked hers gently.

"Merry Christmas." Meredith said with a smile.

"Merry Christmas..." Derek moaned as he sucked her chest and laid for awhile.

"We need to get dressed." She muttered as they rolled off of the table.

"We do?" He moaned as he looked at her.

"We do." She agreed as she pulled her scrubs on and stuffed her things into her bag.

"Fine." He moaned as he pulled his scrubs on and watched her. "You are amazing. That was perfect. Thank you..." He said as he walked up and kissed her softly.

"I love you, baby." She said as she kissed him back.

"What do you have to do?" Derek asked as he looked around.

"Nothing." Meredith said with a shrug. "Wait for idiots."

"Me too." Derek said softly as he flipped the lock and walked her over to the sofa. Derek pulled her down into his lap.

"Tired?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"No. I just want to be with you." He told her with a smile.

Meredith and Derek laid back on the sofa and fell asleep. Derek slept soundly with Meredith in his arms. She felt so perfect against his body. Derek laid there and rubbed her arm in his sleep. Anything he could do to comfort her. His eyes opened when he heard the door open.

"What do you need?" Derek whispered as Danny Carter walked in.

"Um... These are the lab results for our patient. She wanted to see them." Carter said as he walked up.

"Damn-it." Derek muttered. "Mer, honey..." He whispered into her ear as he kissed her softly.

"Mmm... Sleeping." She moaned as she burrowed her head into his side.

"Your intern has lab results." He told her as he rubbed her arm.

"Ahh..." She growled as she opened her eyes and looked up. She grabbed the paper and started reading. "They look good. Find an on-call room and use it. For sleep." She muttered as she handed them back and closed her eyes.

"Now you can't sleep..." Derek said with a chuckle as he looked down at her.

"Nope." She said as she looked up at him.

"Do you want one of your presents?" He asked as he kissed her head.

"Hmm... Sure." She said as she sat up and leaned against the back of the sofa.

"Here." He said as he handed her a envelope. "You need this. You deserve it."

"A year at the spa?" She asked as she read the paper.

"Twice a month. You need it, baby. You do too much." He told her with a kiss.

"Thank you." She told him as she pulled a paper out of her pocket. "This is for you."

"A cabin?" Derek asked in shock as he looked at the picture.

"For a week. The best fishing spot in the area. I thought you could take Mark." She suggested.

"Or you." He pointed out as he pecked her cheek.

"Or me." She agreed with a smile.

"Here." He said as he pulled a box out of his pocket. Meredith grabbed the box and opened it slowly.

"Oh my god..." She said in shock. "It's the necklace. The necklace that matches the earrings..." She pointed out as she looked at the green amethyst and diamond drop necklace.

"I couldn't afford the set back then..." He said as he looked in her eyes. "So I found the matching necklace."

"Oh Derek... It's perfect." She said happily as she kissed him. "You are so perfect... Do you want yours?"

"Sure." He muttered as she fished through her back. She finally pulled out a small box.

"Here." She said as he handed it to him. "It's- Just open it." Derek opened the box and moved the tissue paper out of the way. He looked at her with a puzzled face.

"What-" He started as he looked up at her. His face quickly softened.

"My birth control. I took the last one this morning. I want to, Derek. I want to make you a baby." She said with a smile as she looked into his eyes. "I know it isn't anything- Well, it's not-"

"Oh Mer..." He said as the tears pricked at his eyes. "It's perfect. Wow... You're- You're sure?"

"Yes. Yes I am. For you, I am." She said softly.

"A baby. A baby that will look just like his mom." He said as he kissed her nose. "Beautiful and perfect. God, I love you, baby."

"I love you too, Der." She said as he stroked her face.

"We are going to make a baby." Derek said as he kissed her deeply.

"We are going to make a baby." She said as she ran her hands over his face and kissed him again.

"There's one more gift." Derek said quickly. "For both of us."

"What is it?" She asked as she looked at him with a smile.

"You will have to wait and see." He told her frankly.

"When? How long?" She asked in anticipation.

"Tomorrow." He told her with a nod. "When we leave here."

**They are going to try for a baby again!**


	95. Cold Backed

Meredith moaned louldy as she awoke. It had been a busy night. Unbelieveably. The soft sweet moment that she and Derek had in the lounge was short lived. Just after exchanging their gifts, they were paged for an accident that included a drunk driver. It seemed like it was a never ending night in the operating room. She wasn't sure when the night ended, or how she got there, but she woke up right against Derek's side.

"Oh man..." Meredith moaned as she stretched her achy back.

"Honey are you okay?" Derek asked as she let out a loud wail.

"Slept wrong..." She moaned as she let herself fall back.

"Meredith... You have to stop this." Derek told her frankly. "This has to stop."

"Derek... Please. Not now. Okay? Not right now." She snapped angrily as she drew in a deep breath.

"I will not-" Derek started loudly when the door opened.

"Dr. Grey... We have rounds." Dina Eastman said as she peeked in the door.

"Weren't you saved by your interns?" Derek muttered sarcastically as he shook his head.

Derek watched as Meredith rolled over him. Slowly. She was in pain. He could see it in her face that was so close to his. He could tell by the careful way that she was moving her body. He didn't say anything as she walked out, half hunched over. She wouldn't listen. He knew her. He knew better.

"I have to go to the locker room." Meredith said as she walked past her interns.

Meredith walked into the locker room and grabbed a few pain pills. She needed them. She needed to feel relief. She was hurting so badly that she couldn't function. After the holidays, she kept telling herself. She would do something. Find out what is wrong. She just needed to wait until after the holidays.

"Dr. Grey, are you okay?" Justin Weathers asked as she approached them.

"Why do you ask me that everyday?" Meredith spat as she walked over to the charts. "Everyday."

"We just-" He started as he looked up at her.

"If I wasn't okay, I would tell you, okay? Quit asking me. I don't need your concern." She spat as she grabbed a few charts and walked away.

"Wow." Kent Mather said in shock as he looked around. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

"No kidding." Danny Carter muttered as they followed her. "We need Pierce back here."

"Yeah. Then she can bitch her out." Weathers muttered as they walked into a room.

"Hello, Mr. Scheaffer. How are you feeling?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"Like shit." He muttered as he looked at them. "No pain. I just hate this place."

"At least you are honest." Meredith told him with a smile. "Present, Eastman." Meredith muttered as she stood at the patient's bed.

Meredith winced as she stood there. No matter what she did, she wasn't comfortable. She shifted her weight from one foot to another in attempt to make herself feel better. She was in a daze through rounds as she walked along. She couldn't even think rationally. Relief finally came when she was in the scrub room getting ready for surgery. Finally the pain pills kicked in.

"I need suction, Mather." Meredith muttered as she looked down at the artery she was working on. He quickly did as she said. "Thank you."

"So how was your Christmas?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"It was nice. I spent it with my family." He told her with a grin. "How was yours?"

"As good as it could be. I was here." Meredith said with a chuckle. "Under the circumstances, it was good." She said with a smile as she thought about she and Derek.

"So your family lives in Seattle?" Meredith asked.

"No. Actually about forty miles from here." He explained as he looked at her.

"Oh. I see." She muttered as she kept working.

Kent Mather watched his resident. She wasn't right. Something was definitely not right about her. She was a little too happy. A little too nice. He studied her eyes. Meredith Grey was a woman that he looked up to. She was the doctor he wanted to be. So focused. So hardcore. But today. Today he wasn't so sure. Today, he was disappointed with her.

Meredith happily worked on her patient. She was feeling good. No pain. She felt happy. She was happy to be in the operating room. Even if it was the day after Christmas, and she barely got any sleep. When she was free of pain, it almost made her forget everything else. As she closed up her patient and walked into the scrub room, she could feel Kent Mather's eyes on her.

Meredith continued to wash her hands. She could tell he wanted to say something. Something was definitely on his mind. But he wasn't. He was keeping his mouth shut. She remained silent as she grabbed a paper towel and dried her hands. A faint smile crept on her face as she reached in her pocket and slid on her engagement ring.

"Dr. Grey?" Kent asked as he looked up.

"Yes?" She asked as she looked at him.

"I- Uh- I just- I want to-" Kent started nervously.

"Doctors do not stammer. Do you have something to say?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Are you high?" He finally blurted out.

"What?" She asked in shock as she looked at him.

"I just- I don't want anyone else to say it. I thought if I-" He started nervously.

Meredith felt sick. He knew. She thought she was controlling herself. This morning she took and extra one, because she was late and she had to get relief. She was hurting too bad. It was stupid. And now she was paying for it. She wasn't doing it to feel good. She was doing it to take away the pain. She was doing it so that she was able to function. And now. Now she was screwed.

"No! I am not high!" Meredith yelled loudly at her intern. "Why would you say that?"

"I'm sorry. You just- You didn't seem right. And your eyes..." Kent explained. "I'm sorry, Dr. Grey"

"Just... Post-op, on our patient." Meredith muttered as she looked down.

Meredith slid to the floor of the empty scrub room. Now it was over. Her pain was going to come back. She thought she could control it. She thought she could handle. But she couldn't. It was starting to spiral out of control. And now, if Kent Mather said anything, they would drug test her. She couldn't do it. She had to stop.

Meredith rushed out of the scrub room and immediately walked to the locker room. She had walked a fine line. And now she had stepped off of it. As she opened the locker, she grabbed her pill bottles. Meredith poured them into the toilet and watched as they swirled round and round before going down. Back to the way it was. Back to the pain.

--------------------

Meredith continued to work through the day. She could swear that her pain came back the minute those pills disappeared down the toilet. Maybe it was mental. Maybe her mother had been right. Maybe it was all in her head. Perhaps she was going crazy. There was really no pain. All in her head. She was just doing for attention, as Ellis always said. Swallow it down. Embrace the pain. Walk it off. She had to do all three.

Meredith groaned as she looked at the clock. She could go home. She should go home. But at least here, she could keep her mind off of the pain that was looming. Meredith grabbed her stack of post-op notes and sat at the nurse's station. As she sat there scribbling, she tried to block everything out.

"Oh my God! Dr. Grey..." A nurse said as she looked down. "Are you engaged?"

"I am." Meredith said frankly as she looked up.

"To Dr. Shepherd?" She asked.

"Uh huh." Meredith muttered as she kept writing.

"The ring is beautiful. I have never seen one like it." She said as she looked down.

"It's a family heirloom." Meredith said with a nod as she looked down at the ring.

"Oh. I see..." She said in confusion, wondering just why Kristy hadn't received that ring. "Well... Congratulations!"

"Thanks." Meredith mumbled as she watched the nurse walk away. She quickly went back to her work.

"Are you ready to go home?" Derek asked as he walked up to Meredith.

"I just need to finish these." Meredith said as she continued to write.

"Interns. That is what interns are for." Derek said as he pulled the papers away. "Weathers!" Derek shouted.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd?" He asked with a smile as he walked up.

"Do these. Dr. Grey and I have an appointment." He said as he looked down at her. "Come on, Mer." He said as he grabbed her hand.

"Where are we going?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Derek.

"Remember that gift? The surprise? That is where we are going." He told her as he walked her to the locker room. Derek watched as Meredith slowly changed her clothes. She was shaking a little. That was definitely not her normal think. She didn't shake. "You okay?"

"Fine." She said with a fake smile. "Caffeine." She told him as she grabbed her purse. "So where are we going?"

"Somewhere." Derek muttered as they walked out.

The car ride was silent. Eerily silent. So quiet that Derek turned on the radio. He turned it up, letting the Christmas music fill his GMC Yukon Denali. Meredith didn't say a word as she leaned forward and turned it off. Derek looked over at her, and then back at the road. That was a bold move.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"I hurt, okay? I fucking hurt." She spat out loudly. "And I can't take my pills because my intern thinks I am an addict. So now I have to suffer."

"Meredith... You shouldn't be in pain. You need to get checked out." Derek told her softly.

"Derek, I was smashed to pieces. I hardly think I am expected to be fine for the rest of my life. The pain in inevitable. That is what flipping five times in a car will do to you. That's what happens when you've had compression fractures. So just shut up. Okay! You don't know what you are talking about." She growled as she looked at him. "You're fine, okay! And I'm not. And that's okay. Whatever."

"What? Are you fucking kidding me?" Derek yelled as he pulled to the side of the road. "Do you think I wouldn't trade you places if I could? Do you think that I wouldn't rather be the one that suffers? I hate to watch you like this. You are the love of my life. I don't want to see you suffer." His eyes bore holes through hers.

"I am. And I will. That's just the way it is. Please. Please, Derek, just ignore it. Give me a break. Because you asking me non-stop if I'm okay, when it is obvious that I am not, doesn't help me!" She said as she started to cry. "Just stop asking..."

"No. I will not stop asking. And I refuse to let you suffer." Derek muttered as he looked at her.

"Can we just get to where we are going?" She asked as she looked out the window.

"Oh yes, Meredith... Avoidance is always the answer." He said angrily as he pulled onto the road. "Fucking perfect."

Neither spoke as Derek drove along. He had to relax. Because at the moment, he wanted nothing more than to strangle her. He was so mad. He didn't understand you she could be so bullheaded and so damn stupid. Maybe she enjoyed suffering. And maybe he would just let her.

"What's this?" Meredith asked as they drove down a long driveway. "Who's house is this?" She asked as she looked up.

Meredith looked up to see a huge off-white house. It was beautiful. Even under the dark gray skies, the property was amazing. It was set just far enough off the road from privacy. It had a huge yard, with a lot of wooded area around it. Derek pulled in the front and stopped.

"Ours." Derek told with a smile.

"What?" She asked in shock as she looked up. "What do you mean, ours?"

"Merry Christmas." Derek said with a faint smile.

"You bought us a house? What were you thinking, Derek! You didn't even ask me. No. No. This is too much. No." Meredith said as she shook her head. "Too fast."

"What do you mean? Too fast? We need a house." Derek told her as he opened the door.

"No." She said as she sat firmly in her seat. "No. You should have asked. This is too much too fast. Engagement. Baby. House. Too much. I want to go home."

"Meredith... You should at least come look at it." He said as he pulled out his keys.

"No! I want to go home. I don't want this. I don't want this house." She said as she crossed her arms. "Take me home."

"Fine." Derek growled as climbed into the car and slammed the door. "Great." He yelled. "I buy a house. I bought us a house that cost several hundreds of thousands of dollars. Any normal person would be elated. Not you. No. Not you."

"Normal person? Maybe you should go find a normal person. If that's what you want." She yelled loudly. "Because I am not ready... Maybe you should just- Fuck this." She spat as hit the dashboard with her fist. She looked out the window.

"Have you lost your mind? Are you-" He started as he looked up at her.

"Say it, Derek... Say it and I will hit you." She growled quickly as she clenched her jaw.

They both pouted in their respective sides of the car. He knew that she was in pain. He knew that that was why she was acting so irrationally. But that didn't change the fact that for the first time ever, he wanted to open her door and throw her out of his car. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel. He clenched his jaw as he drove along. He couldn't look at her. All he saw was red.

"I'm sorry, okay." Meredith grumbled as she looked up.

"No you aren't." He said frankly as he looked over and shook his head.

"Okay. I am not." She admitted as she looked away. "I'm not..."

"I'm taking you to the hospital. If you are in that much pain." Derek told her. "You are are in so much pain that you have to act like a-" He quickly stopped himself. "You are going. I am taking you."

"No. No you are not. If you take me, I am not going in. You can't force me. I am fine. I don't want help. I- I don't-" She started to cry. "Please just take me home. I just want to go home."

"Why won't you want help?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"I-" She started. "Home." She said coldly as she looked away.

She was scared. Derek couldn't figure it out. She was terrified of getting checked out. He drove home quietly, avoiding anymore conversation. He would let her go. As much as it broke his heart, he would let it go. He knew she couldn't go on much longer like this. Eventually she would break down. And there was nothing he could or would do about it.

Nothing was said when they got home. They both went on with their usual routine not speaking or acknowledging each other. Derek watched as Meredith changed her clothes and climbed into bed. Tonight, he thought they would start trying for a baby. Instead, he was getting the cold shoulder. As he laid down in the bed, staring at her back, he realized. It wasn't the cold shoulder he was getting. More like the cold back.

**Mer is in pain... And she is afraid.**


	96. Past The Point

Meredith laid in her bed and let the tears fall as she stared at the wall. She had to get up in a few minutes. Not that it made a difference. This was how she spent the whole hight. It was a mixture of emotional and physical pain that was beginning to push her over the edge. She didn't know why she reacted to Derek the way she did. She didn't know why she had flown off the handle. It just seemed like everything was out of control. Everything was flying past her as she laid in a pile.

Derek laid next to Meredith. He slept most of the night. He knew that she was still awake when he did finally fall asleep. He laid there, in the same position that he was in when he got into the bed. She was hurting and he didn't want to disturb her. He was still staring at her back. And she was awake, he knew that.

Derek didn't understand why she got so upset about the house. He thought it would be a great surprise. He had been spending every extra moment on the internet looking at houses and talking to the realtor. He wanted just the right house. He had promised her a white house. And he got the closest thing he could find that he thought would suit them both. And she wasn't happy. He had so many emotions running through him. He was angry that she refused to get help for her pain. And angry because she refused to look at the house. He was sad that she was hurting so badly. His feelings were hurt because she wouldn't even attempt to look at the home that he had put so much thought into. Last night was big. Last night was the first time that he had ever gotten that angry with her.

"Meredith..." He finally croaked out as they both laid there, waiting for the alarm to go off. "I know you are awake."

She laid there. She couldn't talk to him. And she didn't want to. She was so angry for no damn good reason. She just had this feeling that at any moment, she would go off on him. She didn't want to. She didn't want to strike out at him again. So she remained silent.

"Meredith... I'm sorry." Derek told her softly.

Just then, the alarm clock began to blare. Meredith threw her hand onto it, silencing the annoying buzz. Without a word, she threw the blankets back and painfully climbed out of the bed. She didn't look at him as she rushed into the bathroom before him and locked the door.

Derek sat on the side of the bed and ran his hands through his hair. He couldn't do this. He couldn't deal with it right now. He was going to avoid her. Confrontation was not the answer today. He quickly grabbed his work clothes and walked into Mark's bathroom just as Mark was getting up.

"Hey, Man! What are you doing?" Mark asked as he walked up.

"I have to use this one." Derek said as he walked in.

"What the hell is wrong with your bathroom?" Mark grumbled as he walked in. "You better turn your head, I have to piss and I am whipping it out. This is my bathroom." He grumbled.

"Meredith is in my bathroom." Derek said angrily.

"And? You and Mer take a shower together half the time." Mark pointed out frankly.

"Not today. We don't today." He said nastily. "She won't talk to me. She locked me out. Literally. Out of the bathroom. And figuratively, out of her life. I bought a house. I bought her a fucking house. What does she say? I don't want it, take me home." He told Mark quickly.

"You bought a house?" Mark asked in shock.

"Yes. And she doesn't want it." Derek told him. "So now, I am going to have to back out of the deal. So much for the one hundred thousand down payment I put on the fucking thing."

"She'll come around." Mark said with a nod.

"No. I- Mark I wanted to hurt her. She has never pissed me off like that." Derek told him quickly.

"What's wrong with her?" Mark asked as he looked at Derek's worn face.

"She's in pain. She doesn't want help. And I am not helping her." Derek told stubbornly him as he pulled off his shirt. "I have to take a shower." He muttered as he pushed Mark out.

"You have to help her. You have to force her." Mark told him as the door shut in his face.

You have to help her. Mark had no idea. You couldn't do anything for Meredith. Not if she didn't want it. The would both end up dead in the battle of their lives. He did know that he couldn't stand being with someone like this. He would never give up on her, but it was so hard to watch. He couldn't believe that she had locked him out. And now he was wondering where to go from here.

Meredith sobbed as she laid against the shower. She couldn't go on like this. She couldn't take it. She was so afraid of what it could be. And the thought of back surgery was far too terrifying. All she could think about was coming out of the operating room without the use of her legs. Or them causing her more harm than good. Or dying on the surgical table. So there she was in a fine balance of living with pain or risking her life.

Neither spoked as they walked out to the kitchen. Meredith poured herself a cup of the coffee that Mark had made. She couldn't eat. She felt too sick to eat. Meredith stood at the counter and stared at the wall. She could face either of them.

"Do you want some toast?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"No." She said sharply as she stood there.

"Maybe you should sit down." Mark suggested as he looked over at her.

"I can't." She grumbled as she tossed her cup, coffee and all into the sink and walked to the door. They watched as she slid her boots on and pulled on her coat. She said nothing as she walked out and left fro work.

"Holy shit." Mark said with wide-eyes. "Now that is a bitch."

"Don't say that." Derek said with a sigh. "She's killing me. Meredith is killing me slowly and painfully." Derek said as he dropped his eyes. His spoon fell into the bowl of muesli as she sat back in his chair.

"It's coming. You know that." Mark told him frankly.

"Yeah. I know it is." Derek agreed as he shoved his bowl away.

------------------

Meredith closed her eyes as she sat on the bench outside her locker. She had managed to get changed into her scrubs. It was a feat, but she did it. And then it was her shoes. Tying her tennis shoes was complete and utter hell. It seemed, now just living was a complete and utter hell. She held her head in her hands as she breathed through the pain. Her eyes glanced up at the clock. She had to get out there to her interns.

"Rounds." Meredith croaked out into the intern's locker room. She turned on her heel and walked to the nurses station with her eyes half closed. She was breathing through the pain. As she reached for the charts, a tear slid down her cheek.

"Okay. Let's go." Meredith muttered as she walked began walking aimlessly down the hallway.

"Dr. Grey... You uh.. You passed the room." Dina Eastman said quickly.

"Oh. Yeah." She answered as she turned around and walked into the room. "Hello Mr. Zyndorf. How are you feeling?"

"Great. I think I am ready to go home." The patient said as he looked up.

"Do you now?" Meredith asked with a faint smile as she handed the chart to her intern.

"Alan Zyndorf is post op from a repair of a gastric perforation. He was stable last night. Hasn't complained of any pain, and is getting weaned off of his morphine drip today." Justin Weathers muttered as he looked up.

"Good." Meredith muttered as she looked around the room.

She had no idea how she made it from room to room. It seemed her body was now on auto pilot. The pain was there. And it was killing her. But she was going on like a robot in the fog. She walked into another room and looked up at Derek. Her eyes dropped as she shoved the chart at Dina Eastman.

"Mrs. Dennison is in for a sub-occipital craniectomy..." Dina said as she looked at the patient.

Neither Derek nor Meredith were paying attention. Meredith was gazing anywhere she could to avoid him. And Derek was too busy watching her. She couldn't look him in the eyes. She knew the minute she did that, she would break. He would be able to read her eyes like a book. So she stared off, not even realizing that Dina had long finished talking.

"Dr. Grey." Dina said softly as she looked up.

"Oh. Yeah. Your case. If Dr. Shepherd wants you." Meredith said with a nod as she walked off out of the room.

"Meredith!" Derek said quickly. She continued walking. It wasn't worth it, he thought as he stopped and watched her hobble down the hallway.

"She's mad at you." The patient pointed out as she looked at Derek.

"Yes she is." Derek said with a smile as he looked at her.

"So what did you do?" She asked with a smile.

"I bought her a house. Without letting her see it first. And I asked her to marry me." Derek said as he shook his head.

"Most woman would be elated." The patient replied with confusion.

"Not that woman. That woman is different." Derek explained with a chuckle. "Dr. Eastman is going to prep you. I'll see you in the OR."

-----------------

Meredith walked around in a fog. All day long people were walking up to her and congratulating her on her engagement. She would nod and smile. Occasionally she would flash the ring. But she was so out of it, she couldn't say who had seen the ring, or who congratulated her, if her life depended on it. People were either happy or jealous and she didn't really care.

Meredith leaned over the desk and stretched herself as she moaned. The nurses looked at her like she was crazy as she used their desk as a back stretcher. She didn't care. She was in the place where she was doing anything for relief. She straightened herself back out as she say her intern walk up.

"Dr. Weathers..." Meredith said softly as she looked up at her intern. "I need you to go prep our patient in room 3303. I need a moment."

"Are you ok- Never mind." He said with a faint smile as he walked away.

She closed her eyes as she leaned back in breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth. In through her nose. Out through her mouth. Over and over. She was breathing through her pain. She could do it. She had coronary artery bypass graft. She would do that. And then she wold be okay. Miraculously everything would be okay. Her pain would just disappear.

"She was afraid. Earlier she was fine, and when I went back in she was terrified." Justin said with confusion as he scrubbed his hands.

"That happens." Meredith told him with a nod. "She had time to think about it."

"It's just surgery. I mean we do this all day long. No big deal." Justin said quickly as he pulled on gloves.

"It is a big deal!" Meredith snapped. "Every surgery is a big deal. Every surgery is a risk!" She said angrily.

"I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way" Justin explained with a sigh. "I just meant... It wasn't like we were pioneering anything."

"Anything can happen in an operating room. And don't you forget that." Meredith put up her arms and bumped the door open. "Thanks for coming everyone. Let's do this." She mumbled as she took in a deep breath and dried her hands with the blue surgical towel.

Meredith made her first cut in the patient's chest. She was nearly shaky. Shaky from the pain. She focused hard as she made her cut. The pain was there. It didn't care that she was busy trying to save someone's life. It didn't care that she was holding a life in her hands. She took a deep breath as she tried to focus.

"Please retract, Dr. Weathers." Meredith muttered.

"Okay, Dr. Grey." He said with a smile as he grabbed the retractors.

"Congratulations on the engagement." One of the scrub nurses said as she looked at Meredith.

"Oh, thanks." Meredith replied dryly as looked down at her patient's chest.

"So how did he do it? Was it romantic? He seems like he would be romantic..." She said happily as she looked up at Meredith.

"It was good." Meredith mumbled as she continued to work, trying to ignore the throbbing in her back.

"Where did you go? Did he do it here?" She asked quickly.

"Can you just shut the hell up?" Meredith shouted as she looked up with a glare.

"I-" The nurse muttered and then stopped.

"Dr. Grey..." Justin said in shock as he looked up.

"What, Dr. Weathers? I suggest you too, keep your mouth shut unless it pertains to this procedure." Meredith said as she took in a gasp.

She went on. Suffering inside. It felt like it was getting worse. She was feeling like her back was broken at every vertebrate. She wanted out of the operating room. She wanted out of her skin. She shifted from foot to foot. She hunched. She straightened her back. She tried to twist. Her breathing became ragged as she struggled to keep it together.

"Are you okay, Dr. Grey?" A nurse asked as he looked up at Meredith.

"Dr. Grey... You don't look very good." Justin said as he looked up at her.

"Get out! Everyone who doesn't need to be here. Just- Please! Get out!" She yelled loudly as she looked around. "Fuck." She muttered as she winced.

"Meredith..." Justin said again with concern.

"It's Dr. Grey! And I told...you...to...get...out!" She moaned as she took in a deep breath. "Go."

Justin looked around the OR before handing the retractors over to a nurse and walked out. As he threw his gloves in the trash, he knew something was not right. He quickly scrubbed his hands and walked out of the scrub room. He didn't want to do it. But he knew that Meredith, in her right mind, would want him to. He made his way to Dr. Bailey's office and knocked on the door.

"Yes, Dr. Weathers?" Miranda asked as she looked up.

"It's- Something is wrong with Dr. Grey. She is screaming for everyone to get out of her OR. She- Something is wrong." Justin said again as he pointed.

"What? Damn fool! What is she doing?" Miranda spat as she got up from her desk. "Why is she yelling?"

"I don't know. She's gasping for air like she is in pain." Justin explained as they hurriedly walked down the hallway.

"How far out is she?" Miranda asked as she glanced at the board.

"She is not too far from closing." Weathers told her as he looked up.

"Okay." Miranda told her as she marched down the hall. "Go find something to do in the pit."

"Okay." Justin said with a nod as turned down the hallway and disappeared.

Miranda grabbed a mask and opened the door to the operating room. She could tell, just by looking at Meredith, that she was not right. No one said anything as they looked at her. But she could tell by the look on their faces that something was going on.

"Dr. Grey! What the hell is going on here?" Miranda spat as she looked up.

"Nothing. We're fine." Meredith breathed heavily as she made her last stitch on the graft.

"You don't look fine. You don't look anywhere close to fine!" She shouted as she looked at her. "Meredith... Are you okay?"

"I just need to close." Meredith said as she looked down.

"Someone close for her. Dr. Grey... I need a moment with you." Bailey told her as she looked her square in the eye.

Meredith slowly walked to the scrub room. As she walked, she couldn't stop it. The tears began to trickle out of her eyes. She didn't say anything as she began washing her hands. She couldn't take it. Pain. Throbbing. Hurting. Stabbing. It wouldn't stop.

"Meredith honey... Are you okay?" Miranda asked as she walked to her side and looked into her eyes.

"Oh... Oh god!" Meredith finally yelped as she began to sob. "I- I- I can't take it." She cried as she slid down the wall. "It hurts. It hurts. Derek. Please. I need Derek." She cried as she laid down on the floor, her cheek laying on the tile.

"I-" Miranda started as she looked at her.

She quickly burst out of the scrub room calling for help. She had no idea what was wrong. And when Meredith talked, it was in a string of in audible words. A whole flock of people came running in after she barked orders. They looked down at Meredith as she laid there and cried, not speaking. Everyone went silent as Derek rushed in.

"Oh no. Oh baby..." He muttered as he knelt down next to her.

"It hurts Derek. It- It hurts. My back. It won't stop... Please make it stop!" She wailed as her tears fell to the floor. Derek quickly scooped her up.

"You're going to be okay. I've got you." Derek said as she held her close.

**So it finally happened. This is good. At least now she has to deal with it. REVIEW!!**


	97. Looks Bad

Derek's heart broke as he carried her to an exam room. He was right. Mark was right. It happened. She let it go until it was unbearable. She pushed it to the limit and then some. Miranda Bailey quickly followed Derek into the room. A group of nurses and her available interns rushed in the room with them. Everyone stared in shock as she sobbed.

"Mer... Oh god..." Derek said softly as he laid her down. "Oh honey... She needs a morphine drip."

"We don't know what is wrong with her." Miranda said quickly as she looked.

"It's her back. She needs a fucking morphine drip." Derek spat as he looked at the interns. "Go!'

"What exactly is going on here?" Miranda asked as she looked down at a sobbing Meredith.

"She has been having back pain. I new it was getting bad. But I didn't know it was this bad." Derek told her frankly. "I'm not sure what is going on in there."

Derek looked up as a nurse brought and iv in and a bag of lactated ringers. The nurse went to start the iv and Derek pushed her out of the way and began doing it. Meredith laid there, curled up in a ball with her eyes closed. Derek rubbed her gently as he pulled her arm up.

"I can't take it, Derek. I can't take it anymore." She told him as she looked up at him.

"Oh...Meredith..." He said as he shook his head. "She needs the morphine, Miranda. She's had it before. She can't do anything in this much pain."

"Okay." Miranda said with a nod as she walked out.

"I'm sorry, Derek. I didn't want you to worry." She said as she sobbed.

"Meredith... It is up to me what I worry about. You let me decide. Do you think that I haven't been worrying? I've been worrying more not knowing what is going on than if you had just been open with me." Derek told her sadly.

"Here." Miranda said as she walked in and put the morphine in her drip. They both looked down at Meredith as her face relaxed.

"Oh..." Meredith moaned happily as the morphine began to take her pain away. "Thank you..."

"I love you." Derek told her as he kissed her softly on the head. "I need my schedule cleared. This is more important." Derek told Miranda frankly as glanced up.

"I'm tired..." Meredith muttered as she closed her eyes. For the first time in a long time, she could actually sleep.

"Would you like to tell me what is going on?" Miranda asked again. "All I know that my resident acted like a damn fool in her OR. Why is she having back pain?"

"We were in an accident." Derek started as he rubbed her head.

"When? You were in an accident, and you didn't get her checked out?" Miranda asked in shock as she looked at him.

"No. Almost fifteen years ago. It was bad. She had compression fractures on her T11, T12, and L1. She cracked her pelvis. She broke her leg... It goes on. She had been in pain for a long time. And I guess it has gotten worse. She doesn't talk about it. She tries to deal with the pain. I knew she couldn't take it much longer. I knew she was hurting." Derek explained as ran his hand over her cheek.

"Oh my... That poor girl." Miranda said in shock as she looked at Meredith. "Wait a minute. Fifteen years ago. You knew her fifteen years ago?"

"It's a long story." Derek muttered. "But this has to stop. The pain has got to stop. We have to help her. She is the love of my life. And I can't watch her suffer."

"I'll call in Dr. Nason." Miranda said with a smile as she walked out.

Derek sat on the side of Meredith's bed as she slept. She needed tests. She needed to be checked out. But he could give her a few minutes. He could let her have a few minutes of peace. It had been so long since she had had a good painless rest. She deserved it.

"Dr. Shepherd... Is there anything you need me to do?" Justin Weathers asked as he walked in.

"Not right now." Derek said with a sigh.

"She's been in a lot of pain." Justin said with a frown. "I knew it. But she wouldn't talk about it. She wouldn't admit it."

"That is Meredith. She thinks she can deal with things. She doesn't like to ask for help. And she doesn't like to admit it when there is a problem." Derek told Justin in a sad voice. "I just wish she hadn't let it get this far."

"She was taking pills. I don't know how many. I was so mad at her. I won't lie. I was disappointed. I guess I never really sat down and thought about her pain. I knew she was in pain. We all knew if from the first day. But yesterday, I thought she was just high. I was nasty to her. I wish- I shouldn't have." Justin said with a frown as he looked at her.

"You did the right thing. No matter what the circumstances were, you did the right thing. Even if she was in pain, she needed to deal with it. And- Don't regret it. If I were in the same situation, I would have done the same thing." Derek told him softly.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd." Justin said with a nod. Derek looked up when Dina Eastman walked in with Ellen Pierce, who was dressed in her street clothes.

"Is she okay?" Dina asked softly.

"She's- what are you doing here, Dr. Pierce?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"Dr. Bailey had me come in." Ellen said with a giggle. "I'm coming back. Today actually. It's been so busy around here..."

"Oh." Derek said with a tinge of disappointment in his voice. He quickly remembered Dina's question. "Meredith is- She's going to need some tests. Eastman, I need you to take everything of mine off the board and reschedule it for later in the week."

"Right away, Dr. Shepherd." Dina said with a smile as she walked off.

"I'm going to go change into my scrubs." Ellen said with a grin as she followed Dina out.

Derek got a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Ellen had always rubbed him the wrong way. And he knew that Meredith did not like her. Ellen was trouble. She was always flirting with the doctors. She was never paying attention to her work. And she seemed to have it out for Meredith. She was jealous of Meredith. And Derek did not like that one bit.

"Dr. Shepherd..." Dr. Nason, the orthopedic surgeon said as he walked into the room.

"Dr. Nason." Derek said happily as he stood and shook his hand.

"So what do we have here?" He asked looking for a chart.

"She doesn't even have a chart yet." Derek said quickly. "In fact, she hasn't had tests."

"So I wasted my time coming down here." He said with a hint of annoyance apparent in his voice.

"No, you didn't. You need to order the tests." Derek told him as he looked up. Derek glanced up to see Ellen Pierce walking back into the room. "What are you doing here?"

"Dr. Bailey sent me in. She said I could be the intern on the case." Ellen said with a smile as she walked up to the bed.

"Well, Dr. Grey needs tests. She is having back pain. What do you suggest?" Dr. Nason asked as he looked at her.

"Um... An MRI of her spine?" Ellen asked as she looked up.

"No. No! No MRI. She has pins in her leg. Do you want to fucking kill her? Someone needs to make a fucking chart." Derek spat angrily. "You need her medical history."

"Calm down, Dr. Shepherd." Dr. Nason said quickly. "Dr. Pierce. I need you to make a chart. And run the tests..." Dr. Nason said as they walked out.

Derek sat there and stroked her cheek. What was Miranda thinking putting Ellen on the case. His blood boiled. She had a way of setting him off. He wasn't even sure why. But he really didn't like her. As she looked at Meredith, he had to smile. She looked so peaceful as she laid there.

"Mmm..." Meredith muttered as she woke up.

"Hey... How are you feeling?" Derek asked her softly.

"Good." She told him with a smile. "Really good."

"That's good, baby." Derek said softly as he leaned down and kissed her.

"Uh huh..." She mumbled with a smile as she rubbed her nose. "I'm thirsty."

"I'll get you some water." Derek said with a smile as he walked over to the sink and filled a cup.

"I hate that water." Meredith said with a pout.

"Okay. I'll be right back." Derek said with a smile as he leaned down and kissed her. Meredith grabbed the back of his head and pulled him close.

"Don't be gone long." She said as she licked his ear and nipped it gently. "I want you."

"Oh no..." Derek muttered as he walked away.

Meredith laid there in a peaceful silence. She felt so great. It was the best feeling to have no pain. Everything was perfect as she looked around the room with a smile. She slowly closed her eyes and opened them to see Ellen Pierce standing there.

"Hello, Dr. Grey." Ellen said with a smile.

"What are doing here?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"I'm here to take you for tests." Ellen said as she grabbed Meredith's bed and wheeled her out.

"You are on leave." Meredith said with a giggle as she looked up at her. "You got in trouble. You were so bad."

"Well, guess who's back?" Ellen said with and evil grin as she looked down at Meredith. "And not leaving."

"I don't like you." Meredith said with a giggle as she rubbed her nose.

"I don't like you either, Dr. Grey." Ellen said as she pushed her into the elevator.

"Where are you taking me?" Meredith asked as she looked around. "I want to go back to my room. Derek is coming back. We're going to have sex. Dirty, porny sex."

"Or so you think. From what I heard- Well, word is that he considers sex with you the ultimate form of punishment? Yep, I think that's how he put it." Ellen said with a giggle.

"What?" Meredith said in shock. "Derek wouldn't say that... You're a liar!"

"Well, I think there are a lot of things about Derek you don't know. You didn't actually think you could keep him satisfied, did you? He's very... We enjoy our time together." Ellen told her frankly.

"What are you talking about?" Meredith yelled loudly. "Derek doesn't- He loves me best!"

Ellen stood over Meredith with a smile on her face. Meredith was so high. She knew that she would never remember what she said to her. But she was planting the seeds. She was planting her evil seeds of deception and doubt. She was laying the groundwork for her evil plan. She smiled as she looked down at Meredith's sleeping body. Who did she think she was? She could never satisfy Derek Shepherd. Or Adrien de Gualle.

Ellen quickly pushed Meredith's gurney to the MRI room. She yawned as she stood outside of the room. There was one patient already in the machine. Meredith was snoring loudly as she laid on the bed. Ellen smirked when the patient was wheeled out. She quickly made her way inside. They helped her move Meredith onto the slab.

Derek came back to Meredith's room and was shocked when he didn't find her in it. Her chart was missing. He figured that they took her for tests. He quickly rushed downstairs. He wanted to see what was going on with her. His eyes got wide as he looked in the MRI room. Ellen looked up at the technician and was just getting ready to push the button when Derek rushed in.

"Stop!" Derek screamed. "What the fuck do you think you are doing? You stupid fucking idiot." He yelled as he rushed over.

"I- I-" Ellen stammered in shock.

"I told you no MRI. Are you brain dead?" He asked as he looked at her. "Get the fuck out of here. You are off this case."

Derek took over the responsibilities of the interns. He couldn't trust them to do what they were supposed to. He couldn't take the chance of anything happening to her. He was so angry at Ellen. She acted like it was an honest mistake. And it very well could have been. But what of it wasn't? What if she purposely put Meredith in there, hoping to not only injure her badly, but ruin a multimillion dollar machine. He was definitely going to be talking to Dr. Bailey about this.

Derek's eyes got wide as the images came up on the screen. It was a mess. A complete and utter mess. He had them page Dr. Nason as he continued to look in amazement. She really had been suffering.

"Wow." Dr. Nason said as he looked at the screen. "What the hell did this to her back?"

"Her car flipping five times." Derek said sadly. "Fifteen years ago."

"She had compression fractures. Right here. T11, T12, and L1." Dr. Nason pointed out. "What was their treatment plan?"

"She was braced. She was braced, but she was in a coma for a month. I'm not really sure what they did as far as after care." Derek said frankly.

"The bracing was obviously unsuccessful. Wow... This is a mess." Dr. Nason said in shock.

"No kidding. I can't believe that she has been going on like this... What do you suggest?" Derek asked as he choked back the tears.

"I... Percutaneous vertebroplasty is a good option. But we generally don't do that after a year. And wow... Fifteen years is a long time. I'm not really sure how successful it would be." Dr. Nason admitted. "She has pressure on the spinal cord."

"You want to inject cement into her spine?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"Well, I think this the best option at this point." Dr. Nason said frankly. "But she is going to see some manipulation before we can even think about injecting the cement."

"So what are you saying?" Derek asked quickly.

"We need to really step back and take a look at the whole picture. I do not like that she has pressure on the spinal cord."

"No. That is not good." Derek agreed quickly.

"This poor girl. I don't know how she has been walking about." Dr. Nason said as he looked back down at the screen.

**Well, at least she has to get help now... Review!**


	98. Stubborn

Derek sat by Meredith's bedside. He held her hand and she breathed in and out so peacefully. As he looked at her face, he realized how at ease she was. It hit him just how much pain she had been in. She had been monitoring her pills. And she had been taking a steady stream of her pain killers just to maintain a halfway normal lifestyle. It should have never been that way. All he could think about was the way he pushed her. The sex. They had been having so much sex. Sex that was killing her. Derek looked up as Mark walked in.

"How's the kid doing?" Mark asked as he walked to her bedside.

"I don't know how she was functioning, Mark. The bracing that they did, didn't work. There had to have been absolutly no follow-up. If I had been there. If I had been there to make sure she was okay..." Derek said guiltily. "She wouldn't be in this situation."

"No. You can't do that. You cannot blame yourself, Derek. Things happened. It was a domino effect. No one could have foreseen any of this. My God, Ellis Grey was there. If anyone can get something done, it is her." Mark pointed out. "As much as I loathe her, she is one of the best..."

"She didn't care. Obviously she didn't care. Did you know that she told Meredith it was in her head? She said that if she were happy, she wouldn't think about it. She wouldn't obess about the pain. It's fucking pain! She basically told her it wasn't true. That she was a liar." Derek told him in disgust.

"Ellis Grey is a bitch." Mark spat as he looked at Meredith.

"I hate her. I have never hated anyone. But her, I hate." Derek explained in anger.

"You have good reason. You have a big reason." Mark agreed with a nod.

"Mmm... Hey." Meredith said with a smile as she opened her eyes and looked up at Derek.

"Hey..." Derek said softly as he bent down and kissed her.

"What's going on? Can I go home now?" Meredith asked as she rolled slightly and looked at him.

"Go home! Are you kidding me?" Mark asked in shock. "Like you can go home..."

"Mark. When did you get here?" She asked with a giggle. "You're supposed to be doing boobs."

"I do other things too!" Mark said with a chuckle. "It's not just boobs..."

"Actually, Mer... You can't go home. Not yet. You need surgery." Derek replied sadly.

"No! No... I am not having surgery. I will be okay. Look I'm okay now." Meredith said with an exuberant nod. "In fact, I will go now. We can go home." She said as she started to climb out of the bed.

"No, Meredith. We can not go home now. The only reason you are feeling good is because of the hefty dose of morphine that is surging through your veins. You are not okay. You are so far from okay, Meredith! This I'm fine thing... It has to stop. It's bullshit. And I am getting tired of it. I am tired of you trying to do every damn thing on your own. You don't let anyone help you. You are the love of my life. And I thought I was yours. But yet, you seem to think you can't share anything with me! You walked around suffering for how long? Why, Mer? Why?" He asked with a deep sadness in his voice.

"Because..." Meredith said as her lips started to tremble. "I didn't want to tell you. It's not your burden, I was scared! I am scared!" She yelled as she turned away. Derek looked up at Mark, who nodded and walked out, pulling the door shut behind him.

"Meredith. Why are you scared?" Derek asked as he walked to the opposite side of the bed and knelt down beside her.

"I- I don't want to talk about it." Meredith told him as she squeezed her eyes shut hard.

"See. This is exactly what I am talking about. You don't share things with me. You don't tell me your secrets. Damn it, Meredith! I know I can't take your pain away. But I can share it. Let me share it!" Derek said sternly as he stroked her cheek. "Why are you scared?"

"Last time- Last time. It can't end up like last time." She croaked out as she began to sob.

"Last time? What happened last time?" Derek asked as he gently crawled into bed with her and wrapped his arms around her.

"I woke up. And you were gone..." She cried out loudly. "I can't! I can't breath without you. I can't live without you. I won't do it, Derek. I'm not taking my chances. I won't." She told him frankly. "I will suffer forever. But I won't risk losing you."

"Meredith... I'm not going anywhere!" Derek told her loudly. "Look at me." He said frankly as he tipped her chin. "I. Am. Not. Going. Anywhere!"

"I'm too scared. I'm going to die." She said as she buried her head in his side. "I'm not ready to die."

"You're not going to lose me. And you are not going to die." Derek said as he shook his head. "Do you hear me?"

"It happens all of the time. People go in alive and they leave, with a one way ticket to the morgue. I'm not ready to die." She said as she cried.

"I promise you won't die." Derek said as he kissed her temple.

"You can't promise me that. Things happen. Anesthesia issues. My heart could stop. I could die, Derek. For real this time. I don't want to die." Meredith said stubbornly.

"I will be there with you. In the OR. I will watch over everything." Derek told her reassuringly.

"No." She said as she shook her head.

"And how do you expect to go on?" Derek asked. "Right now you feel good. But it won't stay that way."

Derek was frustrated. He didn't see this coming. He saw it all coming to a head. He knew that she couldn't hold on with the pain she was going through. But he never thought that in the end, she would refuse treatment. But as he sat there with her, he could understand her thinking. The last time she went in, she was there for months. And she woke up in severe pain. And she woke up alone. It broke his heart. She woke up alone.

Meredith laid there in tears. Didn't he understand? She would rather crawl out of bed everyday, than never see his face again. She would rather lay awake in pain, than never touch his body. She would rather feel shooting pains down her spine, than never feel him inside of her as they made love. She couldn't risk that. She just couldn't.

"Dr. Grey..." Dr. Nason said as he walked in.

"Dr. Nason." She muttered as she looked up.

"Jim." Derek said, trying to be more personal.

"I have looked over your scans. My dear, you are quite a mess." He said as he turned the screen on.

"Oh my god." Meredith muttered as she looked at the misplacement in her back. "It's pushing on my spinal cord."

"That it is." He said with a nod. "We are going to need to open you up."

"No." Meredith said frankly as she turned her head. "I am not going into the OR. Not on a table."

"What exactly do you plan to do, Jim?" Derek asked, obviously ignoring Meredith's temper tantrum.

"Well..." He said, looking at Meredith. "We would need to open Dr. Grey up, manipulate the vertebrate, T11, T12, and L1, and then stabilize it by doing a Percutaneous vertebroplasty." He explained as he pointed to the screen.

"Oh no. You are not going to open me up, jack my spine around and fill me up with cement like a freaking statue!" She shouted as she looked at them both. "Go! Get out of here. Both of you!" She shouted as she turned away.

Derek clenched his jaw as he nodded to Jim Nason and with walked out. He was so upset. So frustrated. So angry. She was being incredibly foolish. She wasn't thinking about her quality of life. Had the nights awake with pain slipped her mind? Did she forget that she collapsed in the scrub room. The morphine created a false sense of comfort. And maybe that needed to be taken away.

"Okay... Is that girl insane? I'm sorry to be so blunt. But she cannot continue to walk around like that." Jim said as they stood outside her room.

"Yes. I am beginning to think she is." Derek grumbled. "She's afraid. But she can't go on this way."

"You know I can't do the surgery unless she agrees to it." Jim told him frankly. "And I don't see that happening."

"Oh. She'll agree." Derek said sadly.

"And how do you propose to get her to do that, Derek?" Jim asked with doubt.

"We'll give her what she wants." Derek said quickly.

"What does she want?" Jim asked with confusion.

"She wants to go home. We'll wean her off of the morphine, and you can discharge her. Right now she thinks she fine. So we will give her what she wants." Derek told him frankly.

"Do you realize the amount of pain she will be in?" Jim asked as he stood there.

"I do." Derek replied sadly. "But I know her. And this is the only way."

"Okay. I will have the nurse reduce her pain killers." Jim told him as he walked away.

Derek felt sick as he stood there. He was going to torture her. He was basically going to knowingly put her in pain. It was something he never wanted to do. But it was the only way. She had to realize what she would be facing if she didn't go through with the surgery. This was going to bad. It was going to be rough. On both of them.

--------------

Meredith laid there alone. She told Derek to leave, and he did. He walked right out and didn't come back. As she closed her eyes, she thought about everything. She thought about how mean she had been. And how she and Derek never had the chance to be truly happy because she was hurting. But that didn't change her mind. She opened her eyes when she heard someone walk in.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked the nurse as she looked up at her.

"Reducing your morphine drip." She said with a faint smile.

"What? Why are you doing that?" Meredith asked quickly.

"You are going to be discharged." The nurse said with a smile as she walked out.

"Discharged!" Meredith said quickly. "Well... Good." She muttered as her stubbornness took over.

Meredith sat there alone. Little did she know that Derek was just outside. But he wanted her to realize what she was doing. Kristy stopped by. Along with some of the staff, but he wouldn't let them go in. She needed to stew. She needed to think. After a few hours, he could hear her talking to the nurses. The pain was coming back. He could hear it in her voice.

"Okay." Derek said with a smile as he walked on.

"Okay what?" She grumbled as she looked up at him.

"The nurse will be bringing your discharge papers in any minute." Derek said with a faint fake smile.

"Good." She said as she started to climb out of bed.

There was a wince. Derek pretended not to see her struggling to get dressed. He wanted nothing more than to go help her. But he couldn't. He had to let this happen. It was for her own good. It had to be her decision. You couldn't pressure Meredith Grey into anything.

"Okay... You're sure you don't want to change your mind?" Jim asked as he walked in for one last time.

"No. I am going home." Meredith said frankly as she stood there, half hunched.

"All right." Jim said as he grabbed the paperwork and walked out. But not before giving Derek a look. He thought for sure that Derek had made a terrible mistake.

Everyone watched as Meredith walked out. For being such a brilliant doctor, she was in idiot. Everyone had seen the films. Everyone was talking. And now she was going home. The ride was silent. He could tell she was hurting as he hit the potholes in the road. And then they reached the apartment, she crawled out of the Denali ever so slightly.

"You should probably lay down." Derek said with a smile as they walked in.

"Why? I'm fine." Meredith told him.

"Well, you have rounds in... Twelve hours." Derek told her as he looked at his watch.

"Oh. Yeah." She answered, forgetting that she had to work. "I'll just-" She pointed as she hobbled awake.

Derek checked on her over and over again. She was sleeping. But she wasn't sleeping peacefully. It was disrupted. She would wake up and move around, trying to find a comfortable spot. And as he crawled in the bed for the night, he could tell that she was awake. He slowly rolled towards her and rubbed her shoulder.

"I will be in there. I will take care of you. Do you not trust me?" Derek asked as he kissed her.

"I'm scared. What if they paralyze me? What if I never walk again? What if I die?" She asked again.

"I will be there. I will be there when they work around the nerves. You need to do this. We are going to start a family. You can't carry a child, Meredith. Not when you are in this amount of pain. And I can't lay here with you every night, knowing that you are suffering. Let me take care of you. I promise you will feel so much better. Please. Do it for me." Derek stated softly. He felt Meredith draw in a deep breath.

"Okay. I'll- I'll do it." She said as she started to cry. "I can't take it anymore..."

"Thank you." He whispered as he kissed her softly. "Thank you..."


	99. The Wait

Meredith stayed home. She didn't want to go back to Seattle Grace at night. Derek agreed that it would be okay for her to take one of her pain killers and wait until morning. She was in pain, but she wouldn't say anything. She just cuddled deeper into Derek's side. Derek felt so much better just knowing that she was finally going to get some help. She needed it. And so did he.

Derek woke up when he felt her wiggle around. She was uncomfortable. He could tell by the way she felt in his arms, that she was not feeling good. He looked down at her face. Her eyes were closed, but she was awake. He glanced over at the clock. It was already four am.

"Honey... How are you feeling?" Derek asked softly as he kissed her head.

"Mmm..." She moaned as she pulled the covers up. "What time is it?" She asked as she opened her eyes.

"It's four." Derek told her quickly.

"I need to call Bailey." Meredith muttered as she rolled away from him.

"Bailey knows you aren't coming in. Do you honestly think she would let you work after yesterday?" Derek asked frankly.

"No. I guess not." Meredith agreed as she rolled back to him.

"How are you feeling? How are you really feeling?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"Honestly?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"Yes, Mer. Honestly." Derek stressed.

"I feel like I am dying." She groaned. "I just want it to stop. The pain has to stop." She said softly and painfully.

"I'm so sorry, honey." He whispered. "Thank you." Derek said softly as he kissed her forehead.

"For what?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"For telling me the truth." He answered. "I think we should both take showers and get ready to go." Derek explained softly.

"A shower together?" Meredith answered with a faint smile.

"You don't have to do that. You never had to. I would have never put you through that if I had known how much pain you were in. I'll get you a pain pill, you rest, and I will take a shower. Would you rather take a shower or a bath?" He asked her as he kissed her head.

"A bath. But I need your help." She admitted with a frown.

"Okay. I can do that." He told her as he rubbed her shoulder and got out of bed.

The amount of guilt Derek had was heavy. He tried not to. It wasn't so much from the accident. He was finally beginning to accept that that was what it was, an accident. He felt guilty because he should have pushed her. He should have picked up on her pain and forced her to get help. He should have never had sex with her. Over and over again he pressured her for sex. And every time he caused her pain. As he looked in the foggy mirror, he vowed he would never let her suffer again.

As Derek walked out of the bathroom, he looked at Meredith. She was laying on the bed, staring off into space. It was as if she was in a trance. He stood there and watched, expecting her to notice his presence. She didn't as she laid there motionless.

"What are you doing?" Derek asked as he walked up.

"Thinking." Meredith told him as she glanced up at him.

"About what?" He questioned softly.

"Nothing important." Meredith replied softly as she started to get out of bed.

"You are going to be okay. I'll take care of you." Derek told her assuringly. "Let me help you." He told her as they walked to the bathroom.

Meredith stood there as Derek gently pulled off her top. Her skin was abnormally pale. She just looked like she was suffering. He could even swear that she had lost a little bit of weight. As he pulled off her pants, she slowly stepped out of them. Derek gently picked her up and placed her in the hot water.

"Thank you, Derek." Meredith said softly as she looked up at him.

"You don't need to thank me, Mer." Derek said as he kissed her softly.

"Lay your head back." Derek said quietly as he picked up a cup and poured it over her hair.

Derek grabbed the bottle of lavender shampoo and poured a generous amount into his hand. Meredith moaned as Derek lathered her hair up, massaging her scalp with his finger tips. He loved the smell of the lavender wafting in the steamy air. Meredith really seemed to be enjoying Derek's act of kindness. She closed her eyes as he poured the warm water over her until it ran clean. She felt his lips press softly on her cheek, before he stood up.

"Yell for me when you are done." He said as he walked out. Meredith closed her eyes and absorbed the feeling of relaxation and warmth that was attempting to wash over her aching body.

Derek rushed out to the living room and quickly called Dr. Nason. Jim seemed genuinely surprised that Derek had been able to get Meredith to cave so quickly. But yet she needed it. She really did need the help. And she really could stand the pain. It didn't matter who was attempting to force her. Eventually she would need help whether she needed it or not.

----------------

Everyone was in shock as Meredith hobbled back into Seattle Grace. Meredith Grey was finally admitting that she couldn't do it on her own and that she needed help. Most people didn't understand what a big deal this was for her. This was a huge step. She was growing.

Derek sat alongside Meredith's bed as she got settled in. Or as settled in as she could be in the hospital. Meredith loved the hospital. But she didn't like being there as a patient. Hospitals scared her. They never did until after the accident. But the accident inserted a deep-seated fear into her head. And now she was going to have to face that fear.

"Ah... Dr. Grey. I am truly glad to see you back." Jim said with a smile as he looked over her chart.

"I'm not glad to be back. But apparently if I want to live another day, I needed to be." Meredith muttered with a sigh.

"Very true. Nonetheless, I am happy to see you are getting help. Your back is in quite a mess." Jim told her frankly. "So how is the pain?"

"Uh..." Meredith started as she looked between Jim and Derek.

"Scale of one to ten. And don't lie, Mer." Derek said quickly.

"An eight. Maybe a nine." She admitted as she looked down at her hands.

"Okay. I am opting for something weaker than Morphine. And if you need something stronger, you let a nurse know." Jim Nason said with a smile.

"Okay." Meredith agreed with a nod as she looked up at him.

"Now... I have gone over the films over and over again. I consulted with Dr. Hoffsteter. He pioneered the percutaneous vertebroplasty. He has agreed to come here and perform the surgery with me. I am going to go give him a call and let him know that we are back on schedule."

"Sounds good." Derek agreed with a nod and a smile. Meredith laid her head back and closed her eyes.

"Just go. I know you want to do rounds. Just go do them. Go find something to do." Meredith told him softly without looking up at him.

"Mer... I don't want to leave you." Derek answered frankly.

"Derek. Sitting here is not helping. And I know you are ready to go insane." Meredith told him as she flipped the television station. They both looked up as Dr. Nason walked in.

"We have a problem." Jim said with a frown as he walked in.

"What's that?" Meredith asked as she glanced up.

"Dr. Hoffsteter is in Europe on a case. After we cancelled, he left. A VIP patient." Jim told her with regret.

"So what are you saying?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"He will be back in three days. So we can either go ahead and I can do the surgery, or we can wait for him. It's up to you. I feel confident enough to do it. But I also know that Meredith has been through a lot and this is a very complicated case. She deserves the best. So it is up to you." Jim told them frankly.

"Uh..." Meredith muttered as she looked between them. "Derek, what do you think?"

"Well. I think that Jim has a point. I'm sure you know what you are doing, Jim. But I think that you should wait. You can stay on the pain meds. I think that we need to make sure this is done right, once and for all." Derek told her with a nod.

"I think you are right." Meredith said with a smile. Her smile soon faded as she looked up, seeing Ellen Pierce in the doorway. She looked so sure of herself with her cheesy, flirty smile.

"Excuse me." Derek said with a smile as he walked up. Meredith watched as Derek grabbed her arm and drag her out into the hallway.

Meredith watched as Derek and Ellen talked. A knot formed in her stomach as Ellen continually looked in and gave Meredith a smile. It was a fake smile. It was a smile that said that she had to do it. It was like she was grinding it into her face. They both nodded as Derek walked back into the room. Something wasn't right.

Derek felt sick as he sat down next to Meredith. Supposedly it was a mistake. Ellen almost tearing Meredith apart... That was just a misunderstanding. Derek had reported it to Dr. Bailey, and she said she would take action. But there was no proof that Ellen did anything on purpose. Derek couldn't believe that Ellen just walked in to check on Meredith. She gave him a bad feeling.

"So we're waiting?" Derek asked with a smile.

"We're waiting." Jim confirmed with a smile. "I will send a nurse in with pain killers." He said as he walked out.

"What was that?" Meredith asked as she motioned to the conversation with Ellen.

"That... That was nothing." Derek told her frankly. Something was not right.

---------------

Meredith had been at Seattle Grace for three days. Derek never left her side. Not until she forced him. She didn't have the heart to tell him that he was driving her absolutely crazy. She loved him, but right now he was being to caring. And he was too worried. She felt like he was always there, and she needed a break.

"Derek..." Meredith muttered as she looked over at him.

"What do you need?" Derek asked as he awoke from his half sleep state.

"You need to go to your office. Or an on-call room. You are exhausted. And you can't sleep in that chair again." Meredith warned. "You never fall asleep in the afternoon. You need to go take a nap, Derek." Meredith said with a frown.

"Mer... I'm fine." Derek muttered as he looked up at her.

"Go take a nap. I'll feel better if you do." Meredith said with a faint smile. "Please?"

"Fine. But not long." Derek agreed as he stood and kissed her.

"Thank you." Meredith said with a soft smile as he walked out of the room.

Meredith laid her head back and yawned. She was getting bored. She didn't know how much longer she could take it. She wasn't the type to lay in bed all day. And there seemed to be absolutely nothing on t.v. She flipped through a few of her magazines before tossing them aside. She needed to get out of the bed. She needed a mocha latte. She looked at the clock. Derek had been gone an hour, but he was really tired. There was no way of knowing how long he would be gone, but he should be for awhile.

"Where do you think you are going?" Dina asked as Meredith crawled out of her bed.

"Oh. Thank god it's you!" Meredith said as she walked across the room. "I need a mocha latte."

"You can't be up walking around." Dina warned as she approached.

"Look... I am here because I want to be. So yes, if I want to walk around Seattle Grace, I can and will." Meredith told her as she walked out.

"Dr. Grey... Fine! But I am coming with you." She said quickly.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she made her way down the hallway. She was sore. Her back was sore. But it was so much better than her ass being numb from being in the bed all day. Everyone looked at her and shook their heads, they knew how she was. They weren't going to say a word.

Meredith was just rounding the corner when she stopped in her tracks. She looked up to see Ellen exiting the on-call room. But that wasn't what bothered her. It was what she was doing. She was straightening her top. Her hair was a mess. Not like a just waking up mess. More like a just had sex mess. Meredith stood there alongside Dina as they both looked. This was not right.

Meredith continued to stand there in the nearly empty hallway. Ellen caught her eyes and gave her a smirk. It was an 'I told you so' smirk. Or maybe a 'look at me' smirk. Either way it was evil and it was deliberate. It only got worse as Meredith looked up to see Derek walking out, tying his scrub pants. Definitely not right.

**Oh no... This can't be good!**


	100. Unfortunate

Dina and Meredith both stood there in shock. This couldn't possibly be what it looked like it was. Because if it was, then it looked like Ellen and Derek were getting dressed. If it was what it looked like, then they had just had hot sex in the on-call room. Hot tousled hair sex. Clothes in disarray sex. If it was what it looked like, Derek was having an affair. With an intern.

"I-" Dina started in shock.

Meredith stood there and thought. She thought about how Derek jumped up when Ellen came to Meredith's room. It was like he was trying to keep her away. It was like they had something to hide. And as she thought, she remembered something about Ellen. Not much, just pieces. Something about she and Derek. She and Derek and sex. As Meredith looked, her heart sank. So much for happy.

"I'm sure it isn't what it looks like." Dina said quickly as she glanced over at a stunned Meredith. "Dr. Shepherd cares too much about you..."

Meredith's stomach knotted as she stood there. She felt betrayed. She felt sick. How could he do this? How could he sleep with his intern? Then it hit her. This was Derek she was talking about. Derek Shepherd. The closest thing to a moral compass. Derek wouldn't cheat. He wasn't a cheater. She left Dina standing there as she walked up to Derek.

"What was that?" Meredith asked quickly.

"What was what? And what are you doing out of bed!" Derek said loudly.

"You. And her. In the on-call room. Coming out, looking disheveled." Meredith said with her hands on her hips. "What was that?" She asked loudly.

"What are you talking about, Mer? There was no one in there with me." He stated simply. "And you need to get back to your room." He told her as he began to walk her away.

"No." She said as she pulled away. "I want to know what is going on. I know you. And I know you well enough to think you wouldn't cheat. But that's not what it was looking like." Meredith said as she started to tear up.

"Who are you talking about?" Derek asked as he gave her a puzzled look.

"Ellen Pierce. She was in there with you. Dina and I- We saw you two come out." Meredith told him as she began to cry.

"Meredith." Derek said softly as he cocked his head. "You're okay... There was no one in there with me. I don't know what you saw. Honey, when I went in there, it was empty. I woke up, went in the bathroom and came out." He explained.

"You went in the bathroom?" Meredith asked as it hit her. It was all a plan, orchestrated by Ellen. "Oh my God. I knew it. I know you. You wouldn't cheat. She- I just had this feeling." She said as she began to get angry.

Meredith looked over, and her eyes met Ellen's. She saw red. Ellen looked down as Meredith glared. This had to end. This jealousy thing that Ellen had had to stop now. She couldn't go on with the intern constantly trying to sabotage her. She looked up at Derek and then back at Ellen. She was doing something about this.

"I'm sorry. It's the back and me head. I don't sleep well in the hospital. Lack of sleep, I guess. You would never- You are the only one I trust." Meredith said softly.

"I'm sorry you even questioned anything." Derek told her as he kissed her head.

"I- I need to go get a mocha latte." Meredith said frankly as she pulled away.

"Meredith... You need to go back to your room. You shouldn't be walking around." Derek told her. "I will go get your latte."

"No, Derek. I have to move around. Walking around will not hurt me. I need to move around." Meredith told him simply.

"I'll come with you." Derek said quickly.

"Actually, I was wondering if you could get me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the cafeteria." Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Peanut butter and jelly? You don't like peanut ad jelly." Derek said with confusion.

"For some reason it sounds good." Meredith said with a smile. "Please?"

"Fine. But you better be back on your room when I get there." Derek warned.

"Yes, Sir!" Meredith said with a giggle as she slowly walked off.

"Is everything okay, Dr. Grey?" Dina asked as she caught up.

"Everything is fine, Dr. Eastman. And I am okay here. Go do your work." Meredith told her as she walked away.

Meredith walked purposefully towards Ellen. Ellen glanced back and continued to walk. Meredith was putting and end to all of this nonsense. As she walked quickly towards her, she ignored the pain in her back. Now it was time to strike.

"Dr. Pierce! I need a word with you." Meredith said as she walked up.

"Um. Yes, Dr. Grey?" Ellen asked as she looked up at her. So innocent. Like she didn't know why.

"This needs to end. This charade you are putting on... It stops today." Meredith said frankly as she looked into Ellen's eyes.

"What do you mean, Dr. Grey?" Ellen asked sweetly as she looked at her.

"I know your game. And it's over. Okay? I win. I'm not stupid. I know what you are trying to do. Derek would never cheat on me. Never. So you trying to make it look that way... It's pathetic. And you are the one that will come out looking like a fool in the end. My suggestion to you is to stop focusing on sabotage and start worrying about your job." Meredith said loudly. "I don't understand why you would want to sabotage me."

"You don't understand why? Are you kidding me?" Ellen yelled loudly. "I came from nothing. The worst part of town. I had nothing. I could barely afford to go through med school. I have hundreds of thousands in loans. You had it so easy. You are Ellis Grey's daughter. All you had to do was say your name and you had a free ride. I have worked my ass off. The only difference between you and I is a name. You got a better one."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You can have her. You want to be Ellis Grey's daughter? Have at it. Because I have to tell you, I would much rather not have one at all. If you think I had it easy, think again. I was in an accident and woke up in hell. And I have been living there for the last fourteen years. So if you would like to trade, let's go. We'll see how you handle it!" Meredith yelled loudly.

"You know what? I can't even argue with you. You have no idea. You just never will. I have to fight tooth and nail to make it. I came here, trying to make it. And every chance you have had you have bullied me. You don't treat me like the other interns. You treat me unfairly." Ellen said as she glared at Meredith.

"I treat you the way you should be treated. You are unfocused. You are too concerned about what is going on around you. If you quit worrying about men and sabotage, you might make a decent surgeon." Meredith told her as she stepped towards her. "It's pointless to talk to you." Meredith said as she looked back at the stairs.

"No. You can't walk away." Ellen said as she grabbed her arm. "You have to realize. You have to- You took them. All of them. I saw Adrien de Gaulle and I thought he was a nice guy. Maybe he was the guy. He liked me. I thought we could go on a few dates. Maybe I could finally live the good life. Have the rich cardio god. My chances were ruined by you. YOU! You came in here and they all noticed. All you did was spread your legs and he was trapped in your web. And then Derek. His marriage was over. Well all knew it. And I thought maybe I could make him feel better. Maybe I could be there when he fell. But no, you step in. I let it go. I figured the nurse would find out and burn you alive. But somehow you narrowly escaped that. You played those two like marionettes. God, you sent Adrien to the nuthouse. And now here you are. You came out on top. You even managed to keep Kristy on your side. You really are deceitful. And you pushed her to the last available guy. My last chance, Mark Sloan. You are a horrible person. You don't care who is in your path." Ellen shouted.

"What goes on in my personal life is none of your business. Derek and I have a past. A bond. And no one can break that. So don't even try. And Adrien is a good guy. A good guy that got drug into a huge mess. I made mistakes. What happened to him was unfortunate. But that isn't my fault. And Mark, don't even bother with him. He's not your type. You need to focus on your career. But you can't. You are so wrapped up in everything else, you can't focus. So I am going to recommend to Dr. Bailey that you be removed the program. And at the very least, removed from my service. I won't deal with this. And I think you are in the wrong profession. You are in over your head." Meredith muttered as she looked away.

"No! You can't ruin my career! I won't let you! I hate you, Meredith Grey! I hate you! You can't-" Ellen began to yell as she cried.

"Calm down." Meredith said quickly as she put her hand on Ellen's arm. "This is-"

"Get your hands off of me!" Ellen spat as she shoved Meredith away.

It was slow. So painfully slow. Meredith's eyes got wide as she began to fall back. She tried to grab Ellen's outstretched hand, but she couldn't. She was too far gone. It was all going to end. The light of hope that she saw was disappearing. She was so close to having it. And now it was all fading. Backwards she went, down the flight of stairs. The main stairway in the hospital. Down she tumbled. One after another. End over end. She lost it. She lost it all.

Ellen stood there. Meredith Grey thought she was unfortunate. She had no idea what it was like in the real world. Ellen was mad. She was angry. She was upset. She just wanted to be happy. To have it all. She couldn't take it. How could Meredith try to reach out to her? How could she pretend to be decent when she didn't have a decent bone in her body. Ellen reached down and shoved Meredith away. She didn't want her hands on her. Her eyes got wide. She gasped. Meredith was falling. She threw out her hand. It was too late. Meredith was gone. She was falling backwards down the flight of stairs. Meredith bounced off the landing rail and laid there motionless.

Everyone watched. It was quite a show. Ellen was screaming at her resident about her misfortunes. She was whining about her sucky life. Now everyone knew. It was all an act. Ellen had always pretended that she had class. She pretended she came from money. It was all a facade, masking her truth. Meredith reached out. It was soft. It was as if she could actually consider being friendly. It was met by Ellen's angry shove. It was purposeful in trying to keep Meredith away from her. It was out of pain. And then she fell. Just out of arms reach. Meredith Grey fell back. Tumbling down. Meeting pain. Hitting the bottom where she had lived for so long. She was there.

Derek waited at the elevator. It was not moving. He punched the button. Over and over. As if hitting it several times was going to tell the thing to hurry up. But he wanted to get back to her. So he hit it one more time. His focus on the numbers above was taken away as he heard loud voices. He shrugged it off. People were always fighting in this hospital. There was never a lack of drama here. He sighed loudly as he looked at the elevator. Enough of this. He would take the stairs.

Derek walked along with the sandwich he was sure Meredith didn't even like. He couldn't get over Ellen's little facade. But he and Meredith were far too close to let something like this even begin to rock their steady world. Derek glanced up as he heard a loud cry. His heart stopped as he watched her fall. End over end. Tumbling like a boulder. Bouncing. Until she fell into a lifeless pile. Derek cried out as he dropped her sandwich and ran up the stairs two at a time. She never moved.

No one ever knows how close they are to the end until they get there. Meredith and Derek knew. They knew far too well. It was horrible. So close. It was cruel. So close. It was unfortunate.

**I could give you a hopeful authors note. I could... I guess what happens depends on the reviews I get... lol.**


	101. Fortunate

Derek's heart stopped. Everything swirled around him like a silent tornado. He could feel his life ending. In just a matter of seconds, it felt like it was all over. They hadn't even had a year together. Fourteen years of pain and misery. Fourteen years of suffering and now it was all over. He never thought he could lose it all so quickly. Not again.

Everyone was gathered around Meredith. It was a shock. A total shock. She was here to get surgery. She was here to get better. And now she was laying on the floor in a lifeless pile. Ellen looked down as the tears fell from her eyes. She didn't mean it. She was mad, but she didn't want to kill her.

"What the fuck happened?" Derek screamed as he rushed up.

He couldn't understand it. They were all gathered around her. They were there, but no one was doing anything. They were looking down at her like she was a dead animal on the side of the road. Derek crouched down next to her and began to sob.

"Oh Mer... Oh god, baby. I can't do it... I can't lose you again." He cried out as he touched her body. She had a pulse. She was breathing shallowly. "You're alive. Oh... Thank you." Derek said as he looked down at her. "Help! We need help!" Derek shouted.

She was alive. She was breathing. But she was not conscious. She laid there in a pile. She didn't look like she had any outward signs of damage. She wasn't bleeding. She wasn't broken. She was just still. In a pile of the floor. So very still.

"What the hell is going on here? Oh my ever lovin'-" Dr. Bailey said as she looked down. "What happened?" Miranda asked as she crouched down.

"I don't know. I came around the corner. She screamed and then... This." Derek stammered out as he rubbed her softly. "I can't lose you. I can't go on. You can't leave me. Do you hear me?" Derek cried as he looked down at her.

A group of doctors rushed down the stairs. They knelt beside her and began checking her stats. Derek watched as they contemplated what to do. They needed to be very careful how they moved her. They had no idea what the extent of the damage was. The last thing they wanted to do was to make it worse.

"You are the love of my life... You have to come back to me." Derek cried as he walked alongside her as they carried her up the stairs.

"What happened here?" Miranda asked as she looked up.

"She pushed her. That girl right there... She pushed her!" A nurse said as she pointed to Ellen.

"She what? You what!" Miranda said as she walked up to her.

"It was an accident." Ellen said softly as she looked at her. Miranda watched the tears roll down her cheeks.

"No it wasn't. Dr. Grey was trying to calm her down. And she got mad. She shoved her right down the stairs!" The nurse told her frankly.

"I- I was upset. I didn't mean it. I just wanted her hands off of me. She wasn't supposed to fall. She wasn't supposed to fall." Ellen said in a panic as she cried.

"It's true." Dr. Daniels spoke up. "There was an argument. And Dr. Grey did fall. But I don't think that it was on purpose."

"Okay. We need to sort this out. Dr. Daniels, if you aren't busy... Anyone who saw what happened... In my office, now! I need to go check on Dr. Grey." Miranda told them as she marched off.

This was a mess. The amount of guilt that Miranda was feeling was immense. This was the second time she had let Dr. Grey down. It broke her heart. The poor woman had been through hell, and she was partially to blame. As she rushed up to the trauma room, she could hear them talking loudly. As she neared the door, they rushed her out.

"What's going on?" Miranda asked Derek as she walked up.

"Tests. They are taking her for tests. They kicked me out! I should be with her. She needs me." Derek said as he rushed off.

"No. You can't help her. Not right now." Miranda said frankly. "We'll go down there, and take a look at the scans. But this isn't your area, Dr. Shepherd. And you need to stay out of the way. They need to help her now."

"It's my fault, Miranda. It's all my fault. She didn't want the surgery. If I had just listened to her. She wouldn't have been here. And Pierce. She- She has been after her. She has been trying to sabotage her. She tired to put her in and MRI! I am supposed to protect her. I promised I would protect her. And I didn't. And now... Oh God." Derek cried loudly.

"Look at me! This is not your fault. Do you hear me? None of this is your fault." Miranda said as she pulled Derek into an embrace. "It's going to be fine."

"I just can't lose her again. I can't." Derek said as he pulled her away. "She is the love of my life."

As Derek listened to Miranda talk, something flashed in his head. Ellis. Ellis Grey was in charge. He felt sick. Ellis was Meredith's medical proxy. She was in charge of all of the medical decisions. He couldn't believe it. They never got it changed. In the last several months, that was the one thing that never crossed his mind. As he stood there, panic rushed over him. If she didn't wake up, her life was in Ellis' hands, once again.

Derek quickly rushed down the hallway. He listened to them. He had left her alone. He didn't care what anyone said. If anyone could help her, it was him. He could pull her back when there was no hope. Everyone watched as he rushed through the hallway. Derek turned around the corner and ran into the scan room.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he ran in.

"Here are the CT scans and x-rays." Dr. Nason said as he pulled them up on the screen.

"Oh shit." Derek said as he stared the the screen. "Fuck."

"She needs the surgery and she needs it now." Jim said frankly. "We don't have time to wait for Dr. Hoffsteter." Jim said frankly.

"This is a mess." Derek said as he started to cry. "Fuck."

"The brain scans look clean, but I would like you to take a look." Jim said as he pulled the images up.

"It looks good. No swelling. No hematomas." Derek told him with a nod. "This is good."

"Pull her out." Jim Nason said to Justin Weathers.

Derek rushed into the hallway to Meredith's side. She laid there quietly with her eyes closed. This was all too familiar. Seeing her motionless on a bed. Seeing her completely silent and dead to the world. He couldn't take it. The thoughts from the past rushed through his head as he kissed her softly.

"Mmmm..." Meredith moaned softly.

"Mer? Meredith!" Derek said in shock. He listed to her faint voice. "Mer, honey... I can't hear you."

"Uh... Oh..." Meredith muttered as her eyes blinked open. "Oh god..." She moaned painfully as she looked up.

"Oh honey... Oh god, Mer. I thought I lost you. I love you so much, honey. Oh god I love you..." He said as he laid his head softly on her chest.

"Hurts... It hurts..." She said as she began to cry. "Ow... Make it stop."

"She's in pain. She's in pain!" Derek said loudly.

"Make it stop. Please, Derek. Make it stop!" She cried out weakly.

"Mer... They need to do surgery. They need to so it now. You fell. And your back- It's worse. The fractures- It's worse, honey. They need to prep you." Derek told her as they pushed her along.

"No, Derek. I'm not ready. I'm not ready yet!" She cried out quickly.

"You have to be, honey. I'll be there. I will be with you the whole time." Derek told her as they rushed along.

"I'm scared. I don't want to die." She said as she sobbed, partly from the pain, and partly from the emotional anguish.

"You're not going to die, honey. You aren't going to die." He reassured her. "I have to go scrub in. I will see you in there, okay?"

"Okay." She told him as she cried.

It broke his heart to leave her. But he had to. He had to be in that operating room when they rolled her in. He had feelings of relief and dread at the same time. Relief because she was finally going to get help. Relief because maybe she would actually be able to live a normal life. But the dread... He would never share the dread with her. He didn't want her to know that he had his own worries about her going in the operating room. He knew as well as any doctor that there were always risks when it came to surgery.

Meredith laid there and continued to sob. There was so much she wanted to say. There were so many things that she wanted Derek to know. And now it was too late. They were going to wheel her into the operating room and she may not come out alive. Justin tried to reassure her as he prepped her for the surgery, but nothing could be done. Derek was the only one that could make her feel better. And at this point, not even he could.

----------------

"I want to know what the hell went on today!" Miranda spat as she walked into her office. Ellen was sitting on the sofa sobbing loudly.

"I- It was an accident." Ellen said as she looked up.

"I know one thing... Accident or not, Meredith Grey is heading into surgery as we speak. Surgery that had to be performed immediately because of what you did. I am not sure about your personal problems with Dr. Grey, but I do know that this has been building for a long time. Today it ends. Today it is over. You have made far more mistakes than any surgical intern that has come through since I have been here. I am sorry to do this. You are a brilliant surgeon. But this problem that you have with doctor Grey has gone too far. I have to remove you from the program. I am not recommending you to any hospital. You may try to get into another program, but when they ask for references, I am not holding back. You have caused far too many problems in your short stay here." Miranda said angrily.

"But I didn't mean it! I can change. I can- I will focus on the job. I won't let my personal feelings come into play. I need this. I have worked too hard. I will be in debt for the rest of my life. And now you want to take away everything from me. You are stealing my hopes and dreams. I made mistakes. Please, Dr. Bailey. Please give me another chance." Ellen pleaded as she looked up.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Pierce. I really am. No chief of surgery wants to do this. But I cannot risk the life of my patients or staff because you are unable to focus. We are just lucky that Meredith Grey is on her way to surgery and not the morgue. Accident or not, you risked her life today. And that will not be tolerated." Miranda said frankly.

"I- I don't know what to say." Ellen said as she sobbed.

"I will start the paperwork. But as of now, you are no longer an employee of this hospital. I need your badge. And I need you to go to human resources." Miranda said with a nod. "I really hope that you can find something that suits you. Goodbye, Dr. Pierce." She said with a faint smile as Ellen stood and walked out.

Ellen felt as if she lost it all. She wanted to die. She had no reason to go on. But she had to. She was not a quitter. She felt so guilty about what happened to Meredith. But there was nothing she could do. She made a mistake. She let it get too far. And now all she could do was move forward. She had to make it. She couldn't afford not to.

---------------

It wasn't right. Meredith was supposed to standing above the table, not laying on it. She looked around nervously. She didn't see Derek. She struggled to turn her head and sighed as she saw him in the scrub room. Their eyes met as he looked up at her. She suddenly felt at ease as her eyes melted into his.

"Okay... Dr. Travis... You can go ahead-" Dr. Nason started to tell the anesthesiologist.

"Wait!" Meredith said loudly. "Wait... I need to say goodbye. I need to talk to Derek..." She said as she looked up at him. "Please."

"One minute." Jim Nason said with a nod as he stepped aside.

"Mer... You will be fine. This is nothing." Derek told her with a soft smile.

"I liked the house. It was perfect. I was just hurting. And I couldn't think about anything but the pain. But it was everything I could have imagined. You did really good." Meredith said with a smile. "It would have been the perfect house to raise a family in."

"It will be. I didn't tell them we didn't want it. It's still ours." Derek said with a smile.

"Derek... I want you to move on. When I'm gone... I thought about it. For a long time-" Meredith started and Derek stepped in.

"Don't talk like that." Derek snapped quickly.

"No. Let me talk!" She told him loudly. "Please... At first I thought that I wanted you to miss me. I wanted you to pine over me. But I realized I don't. I don't want you to hurt. You need to move on. Kristy would have been great. She was. But you didn't move on. She had Mark now, and they are happy. This time you have to make it work. You need too find someone you can love. Someone who can do the things you need. Someone you can start a family with. I want you to have lots of kids. And spoil them. They are only kids once. Give them what I didn't have. And don't be one of those crappy fathers that are too busy. Play with them. Feel young."

"Meredith..." Derek said as he started to tear up. "I can't have you talking like this..."

"This is important. I want to be cremated. But don't keep my ashes around. That would be weird. It's not me anyhow. Toss them somewhere. Off the ferry. Or where you proposed to me. That was one of the most important days of my life. It was truly perfect. I always loved you, Derek. Don't ever question that. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. And I don't regret any of it. I love you so much." She said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"That was all a waste of time. Because you are going to be fine." He croaked out as he bent down and kissed her. "I will see you in recovery." He said as he nodded to the anesthesiologist.

"I love you..." Meredith muttered as she fell fast asleep.

"I- I need a minute." Derek said as he rushed off into the scrub room.

He broke. He let himself fall on the floor as he sobbed. She was giving up. The last thing she needed to do was to go into surgery thinking she was going to die. And as he sat there and sobbed, he realized that that could have been the last time. The thought made him sick. He quickly crawled to the wastebasket and retched. He could not lose her. He couldn't.

"She was really worried about this, wasn't she?" Jim Nason asked as he made his cut.

"Yeah. For good reason. Last time she woke up, she wished she were dead." Derek said sadly.

"Well, I have all the faith in the world that Meredith will be just fine." Jim said with a smile as he worked. "You care for her."

"You have no idea." Derek said solemnly. "I cannot lose her. I just can't." Derek said as he stood there over her.

The gallery was open. Derek didn't like that. He didn't like that everyone could see her in this moment. But it was a surgery that they could learn from. It was an interesting procedure. She he couldn't say anything about it. As he looked up, he saw Mark and Kristy there. They gave him a weak smile as they watched intently.

Derek stood there while Jim did his meticulous work. He had no qualms about Jim. He was more than capable. And he was being very careful and cautious in his work. Derek paid extra careful attention as Jim worked around her nerves. Everything was just as bad as it looked on the scans. Jim worked around the fractured bones, manipulating them gently.

Derek watched the monitors as he worked. Everything was steady. She was doing well. The team shifted Meredith around as they got ready for the cement. Derek watched as they mixed the acrylic cement. A scrub nurse filled the 11-gauge needle with PMMA cement and tungsten and handed it to Jim. They used fluoroscopic guidance as they inserted the needle. Derek held his breath as they injected the cement into her vertebrate via a transpedicular approach. He did this several times, working his way through her T11, T12 and L1.

"Okay. Lay her on her back. She needs to lay flat for an hour." Jim Nason explained as they gently rolled her onto her back.

Derek stood there with her as she laid still. So far it looked good. So far it was looking like it would a be success. It broke his heart that it had to get to this point. It broke his heart that she went through that painful speech. She would never know how much he loved her. Never.

They took her through a battery of tests. They wanted to make sure that the cement had hardened and formed in just the right place. They were all so happy when they looked at the radiographs and computed tomograhic scans came back looking completely clear and successful. It looked as if she would be just fine.

Derek sat by her bedside in recovery, rubbing her hand gently. He shouldn't be in there, but no one was going to argue with him. He felt so relieved as he sat there and cried. He cried because he knew deep in his heart that her suffering was over. He knew that her back pain would be done and they could finally move on. Her daily suffering would be gone forever. Now they could be happy. He glanced up as he saw Meredith shift around. She opened her eyes slightly and looked up at him.

"Hey baby..." Derek said with a smile as he leaned in and kissed her.

"I- I'm alive..." She whispered in a weak voice.

"Yes. Yes you are." Derek said with a big grin as he kissed her again. She closed her eyes and fell back into her groggy state. Unfortunate? No. They were definitely very fortunate.

**You didn't actually think would kill her, did you? Although I did think about what a dramatic ending that would have been, I couldn't do it. If I were reading it, that would have sent me over the edge. I probably would never read another fanfic. So yeah, she's alive. FYI: I started a sequel to "Lonely in a Crowd" called "Almost Doesn't Count." It will be a long time before it is on this site... I only get one small update of that done each day. Anyhow, it's posted on the Ga On Call Room.**


	102. No Stopping This Love

Derek sat by her beside. She was alive. She had awoken. She was resting peacefully now, and all he could think about was how lucky they were. Meredith was the love of his life. And everything had been a mess. It seemed like it was one tragedy after another. But now, she appeared to be okay. She was so lucky to have survived her fall down the stairs. If she had fallen any other way, she could have broken her neck. She could have died.

Derek didn't listen to the buzz around the hospital. They were all talking. Talking about what happened. Talking about would happen. He was in a happy place. His and Meredith's happy place. They were in her quiet room. Everything was out there. Everything was on the other side of the door. The mess. The disaster. It stayed outside where it belonged. Out there, while he and Meredith shared these moments. She was asleep. But she didn't need to be awake to feel everything he was feeling. He stroked her hand as he sat there and listened to her steady breathing.

Derek had no idea what was going on just down the hall. He had no idea that the police had been called. Reports had to be made. They had to piece this situation together. He had no idea that Ellen Pierce had been fired from the hospital. None of it mattered. All that mattered was them. Here and now.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as she shifted slightly.

A smile crossed his face as he looked at her. She looked so comfortable. He never realized how bad off she was until now. He didn't realize the major amount of pain that she had been in. Meredith suffered daily. But she didn't complain. She just went on. She pressed on as if nothing was bothering her. But it had been. She had been in pain. All he could wonder was how long. How long had she suffered.

"Mmm... Hey." Meredith muttered as she opened her eyes and looked up at him.

"Oh... Baby. Oh, Mer. I love you." Derek told her as he bent down and kissed her on the forehead. "I'm so glad you are okay."

"I love you too." She said with a smile. "Oh my god!" She said quickly as she moved.

Derek looked at her in a panic. Tears began streaming down her face. Tears. Many tears, falling heavily. He didn't know what was wrong, but it all flashed through his head. She was in pain again. She was suffering. Maybe the cement poured into the wrong area and was pressing on her spinal cord. Or it hardened in the wrong position. Derek felt nauseous as he looked at her.

"Oh God. What's wrong? What hurts, Mer? Tell me what hurts!" Derek said quickly as he toucher her face.

"Nothing!" She cried out with a big smile. "Nothing hurts. I feel- Oh my God. I don't know. I don't remember that last time I felt like this." She said with a giggle.

"Oh..." Derek told her with relief as he bent down and kissed her. "Oh honey... I'm so sorry that you ever felt any pain."

"I can't believe it." She said as she moved around.

"Whoa there... You need to rest. You might feel good now, but you are going to be very sore." Derek told her frankly.

"Why? I thought they said the pain would go away." Meredith said quickly. "He said it was usually immediate."

"Not from your back. Meredith... You fell." Derek said with regret as he looked at her with sad eyes.

"Oh... Oh my god. I fell. Down the stairs." She said as she began to cry. "Oh god... I- I thought it was over. My foot, it was just- And it was so slow. All I could think about was you. I saw your face. I was so scared. I thought I was dying. They say your life flashes before your eyes. And all I could think about was that I couldn't leave you... I couldn't leave you alone again." She cried as he held her.

"You were so lucky, Meredith. So lucky. I saw you fall. I saw you and I couldn't help you. I tried. I ran as fast as I could. But you were out of reach. My heart stopped beating. It was- I've only been that scared one other time in my life..." Derek said as he laid his head on her chest.

There was something about laying his head on her chest that mad him feel better. It was comfortable. It was perfect. Whenever he did, the rest of the world melted away. All he heard was the steady beat of her heart. The gently rising and falling of her chest relaxed him. It was his safe place. He needed to hear her heart beat. And he would until her last.

"It was like a dread. I wanted to rewind it. I have never- The accident was so fast. I never had a chance. But this was slow. I dreaded it. Death. I was so sure it was the end. And there was so much left undone. I had been so mean you to. You have more than perfect. You have been so great. And I- I have been horrible. As I fell, all I could think of was the last time I told you I love you. I wanted to make sure that you knew. But I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember if I told you. For a second I questioned you. When I saw you and her, I questioned everything. Only for a second. But then I wondered if you knew. I didn't want to die thinking that that was it. Everything was so unfinished." Meredith said as she looked into his deep blue eyes.

"Meredith. I know, honey. I know that you love me. And I love you." Derek told her softly.

Meredith's attention was taken away as she looked up at the doorway. There were two police officers in uniform standing at her door. A bit of panic took over. She wasn't sure why thy were there, but it scared the heck out of her. Common sense wasn't there. She didn't think about she and Ellen. All she could think of was that something major was wrong somewhere.

"Dr. Grey. I'm officer Fray, and this is officer Perry. We'd like to talk to you about what happened earlier. If that's okay?" He said as he walked in.

"What happened?" Meredith asked. "Oh. That." She muttered as she drew in a deep breath.

"We need to take our statement." Officer Perry said as he looked at her.

"It was an accident." Meredith blurted out.

"What?" Derek asked in shock as he looked up at her.

Surely she had lost her mind. Surely she was insane. An accident. He felt sick as he heard her say those words. How could she even consider that an accident. Ellen Pierce had been out to get her forever. And now she finally got her. She got her good.

"What are you talking about, Meredith?" Derek asked again.

"It was an accident." Meredith said again.

"You falling down a flight of stairs was an accident?" Derek asked in shock. "Twenty stairs. An accident?"

"She may be a pain in the ass. And she was very mad at me. But she didn't do it on purpose. It wasn't premeditated. I grabbed her arm. I was trying to calm her down. And she was upset. She shoved me away. And I fell backwards. She didn't do it on purpose. She is a little crazy. But she wasn't out to get me." Meredith explained as she looked up at the officers.

"That pretty much goes along with what the other witnesses say." The officer said as he looked over at her. "So unless you would like us to pursue this further... We will leave you alone."

"I think everything is fine." Meredith said with a nod as she looked up at them.

Derek watched as the officers walked out. He hated Ellen Pierce. He hated her because she made Meredith worry. He hated her because she was always planning and plotting. He hated her. And now Meredith let her off. Just like that, he let her get away with all of the evil she had been plotting. This didn't sit well with him. Not at all.

"Meredith! That woman tried to kill you!" Derek spat. "Have you lost your mind?"

"Derek. She- She has issues. And- She did not do it on purpose. As much as I don't like her, I am not going to lie. It's not right." Meredith said frankly.

"It's your decision. I can't change it. I just hope this doesn't come back to hurt you..." He muttered as he looked off. They didn't even notice the door open.

"You're awake." Jim Nason said as he walked into the room. "How are you feeling?"

"Great. I feel wonderful." Meredith said with a big smile.

"It looks to be a success. Everything looks great. I have looked over the x-rays and CTs. I forwarded them to Dr. Hofstetter. He was very pleased with what he saw. I think that you are going to be just fine. With the exception of the major bruising you will have with your tumble down the stairs. You must not do these things, Dr. Grey. I don't want to see you doing stair gymnastics ever again." He joked.

"I'll try not to." Meredith said with a light giggle as she looked up. "So when can I go home?" Meredith asked with a hopeful smile.

"I want you here overnight for observation. Just in case." Jim said with a smile.

"Fine." Meredith told him with a frown. "Fine..."

"Okay. Well, if you are feeling good, I will leave you two alone." He said with a nod as he walked out and shut the door.

"Come here." Meredith said softly to Derek.

"What?" Derek asked as he looked over.

"I want you to lay with me." She said as she scooted her body over and patted the bed.

"Are you sure?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"Yes." She said with a nod as she pulled her blankets back.

Derek climbed into bed and laid his head back. For a second today, he thought they would never do this again. He was sure that she would be heading to the morgue for real this time. As she cuddled into his side, her rubbed her arm. She felt so perfect against his body.

"I love you." Meredith said again as she looked up and kissed him.

"I love you more." Derek told her with a smile.

"Not possible." She giggled as she closed her eyes.

They were exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Exhausted. Everything felt perfect and at ease in each other's arms. They both laid there, drifting off into their comfortable sleep. Derek was just nodding off when Meredith spoke.

"Hey Derek..." Meredith said without opening her eyes.

"Hmm?" Derek moaned groggily.

"When can we move into our house?" She asked softly.

"As soon as you are ready." Derek said frankly.

"I'm ready. I am so ready." She said with a smile as she burrowed her head into his side and went to sleep. It was time to move on.

---------------

Mark and Kristy made their way down the hall. They couldn't believe what had transpired. They couldn't believe that after all the heartache that Meredith and Derek had experienced that this could happen. Neither of them saw what happened. But they heard. And they saw the results of her tumble. They tapped on the door and opened it. Smiles covered their faces as they looked in and Meredith and Derek laying in the bed sleeping. Just as they went to leave, they heard Meredith.

"Hey... Don't go." Meredith said softly as she looked up.

"How are you feeling, tumbler?" Mark asked with a chuckle as he walked up.

"Mark! That's not funny." Kristy said as she walked up to the bed and hugged Meredith.

"Actually, it is." Meredith said with a faint smile. "I did tumble."

"So we've heard." Kristy agreed with a nod. "So how are you feeling?"

"I haven't felt this good in a long time." Meredith said genuinely.

"Wow. You tumble down the stairs and you have never felt better. That should say a lot about the hell you have been living it." Mark said with a sigh.

"The surgery was a success." Derek said with a smile. "Mer is going to be fine. She is finally going to be pain free. Now we can move on. And..."

"We are buying the house." Meredith said with a smile. "So Mark, the apartment is yours."

"You got a house?" Kristy said happily.

"We did. Well, Derek did. As a surprise." Meredith said quickly. "It's perfect."

"It's our home." Derek told her. "Where we will raise our family."

"Yeah. A family." Meredith replied as she looked up at him. "So. Do you want it?"

"The apartment? Of course." Mark said happily.

"Unless you want to come with us. To the house." Meredith said with a giggle.

"Everything changes." Mark said with a smile. "I knew you would leave me eventually."

"Oh. Don't say that. You are going to make me feel bad." Meredith said sadly. "I'm going to miss my bitch."

"And your bitch will miss you. But it's not forever. I'm just not sure I will know what to do without you bossing me around." Mark said with a big smile.

"I'm sure Kristy can handle that." Meredith said with a big smile as she looked up at her.

"We're just glad you are okay." Kristy said with a smile. "That was so scary."

"Yeah." Derek choked out.

"Well, you guys look tired. We're going to let you guys get back to sleep." Mark said with a smile.

"Thanks for coming by." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up. They gave her hugs and quietly left the room. Meredith cuddled back against Derek.

"I still love you." Meredith told him softly.

"And I still love you more." Derek answered as he kissed her on the head.

They fell asleep. Softly. Quietly. In each other's arms was their perfection. Together, they had the ultimate happiness. No one could ever begin to understand what they had. It was incomprehensible. It was stronger than any bond. It was untouchable by anyone. When they were together, there was no stopping them. And they would never be stopped. Because they would always be together.

**I put the link for the GA On-Call Room on my profile. All of my fics are further along there.**


	103. Going Home

Ellen Pierce had never been so full of regret in her life. She was feeling as if her world was over. And for good reason. It pretty much was. She was sorry. She was so sorry that she had been so foolish. She realized the mistakes she had made. She knew she couldn't change it. But if she could, she would in a second. As cried, she emptied out her locker. A future. Her future. It was now over.

As she walked down the hallway, everyone looked at her. They all knew. They knew what had happened. They all witnessed her dramatic end. They heard what she said. They knew she came from nothing. She dropped her head in shame as she walked past them. She was hoping this was the right thing to do. Ellen walked up to the room. She tapped on the door lightly before opening it.

Derek looked up at her. He was just getting ready to show Meredith pictures of the house. Their house. Their future. He felt sick as he saw her standing there. It took all of his self control to not jump up and hit her. Who did she think she was coming into Meredith's room?

"Dr. Grey?" Ellen said softly as she stood there. "I was hoping I could talk to you?" She asked as she stood there, her locker's contents slung over her shoulder in a bag.

"Um." Meredith said as she looked up at her.

"No! Absolutely not. What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were fired from this hospital. You have no right to be here. I want you out. Now!" Derek yelled as he stood up and walked towards her.

"Der... It's okay." Meredith told him as she looked up. "Can you give us a moment?" She asked Derek as she looked up at him.

"What? Are you kidding me? She tried to kill you. And now you want me to leave you alone with her? No. I don't think so, Meredith." Derek said firmly.

"Derek. Please step outside." Meredith said again as she looked up at him. "Please."

"Fine. But I will be right outside." He said frankly as he looked up at Ellen. "You better watch what you say and do." He warned her as he walked pass.

"What do you need, Dr. Pierce?" Meredith asked as she looked up at her.

"I wanted to say... I came here to say... I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I know that that doesn't even begin to make up for anything. But I couldn't leave here without at least telling you." Ellen said as she looked into Meredith's eyes.

"Okay." Meredith said frankly as she adjusted herself in her bed.

"I didn't do it on purpose. I as mad. So mad. But I never meant for you to fall. You weren't supposed to fall. And I saw you. You were falling. I tried to reach you, but I was too late. And all I could do was watch you fall. I thought you died. I was so afraid you would die. I didn't mean for you to fall!" She said again as she cried.

"I know you didn't. It was an accident. I was way too close to the stairs. That wasn't your fault. I know you tried to reach me. I know that. And I am not mad. And accident is an accident. I'm not mad about that. But I am mad. You lied. You tried to make me think that Derek was sleeping with you. You tried to make me paranoid. And Derek- I know he would never do that. You are conniving. And vile. And I- It doesn't matter. It's okay. It's all okay now. I forgive you. I forgive you because I am the bigger person." Meredith told her as she looked at her.

"Thank you... Oh god, thank you." Ellen said as she walked up to her. "I- Oh, thank you."

"So where are you going from here?" Meredith asked as she looked up at her.

"I accepted an internship at a small hospital in Wisconsin. It's not what I wanted. But it will have to work." Ellen said with a sigh.

"It doesn't matter where you came from. You have the same shot as everyone else. It's up to you how you choose to do it. You are very smart. And very competent. But you have got to stayed focused. You need to do it on your own. Believe me, making it on your own is the best feeling in the world. You don't need to find some rich doctor to make it. You have all the tools. Just use them." Meredith said with a smile. "I wish you the best."

"Thank you, Dr. Grey. Thank you." Ellen said softly as she nodded and walked out.

Meredith sat in her bed and laid her head back. She was so angry with Ellen. But she knew that yelling and bashing her wouldn't help. It would just make her more apt to do her dirty work right the second time around. She hoped that she would succeed. Nothing would make her happier than to see Ellen down the road, having succeeded.

"So?" Derek asked as he walked in.

"I'm sore." Meredith said as she rolled on her side. "I'm covered in bruises." She moaned as she looked up.

"When we get home, I will make you a hot bath." Derek told her with a smile.

"That would be perfect." Meredith said with a soft grin.

"So... Avoiding it hasn't worked. I haven't forgotten. What did she say?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"She apologized." Meredith told him as she closed her eyes.

"And what did you say? I hope you told her to kiss it." Derek said quickly.

"No. I accepted it. I don't need baggage. We don't need baggage. Sometimes you just have to let things go..." Meredith said with a smile as she opened her eyes. Derek bent down and kissed her softly.

"You wouldn't be you if you didn't forgive her." Derek agreed as he kissed her again. "So... Should we finish looking at this house?" Derek asked as he pulled his laptop out.

"It really is perfect, Derek." Meredith told him happily. "It's too big. But I'm not surprised." She said with a giggle.

"You deserve the best, Mer. And I want you to have everything you want and need for the rest of your life." Derek told her as he pulled the pictures up.

"Besides. We will fill it up." Meredith told him softly.

"Will we?" Derek asked as he looked into her eyes.

"We will. With kids. Our kids." She said happily.

"About that..." Derek said with a straight face.

"What- What's the matter?" Meredith asked in a panic.

"We- I think we need to wait awhile. To have kids. I realized how much pain you have been in. And you haven't lived in a long time. In fourteen years, you haven't lived. Now is your chance. I want you to live. So we are going to wait. Not forever..." Derek trailed off as he looked at her.

"But Derek... You want kids. You have always wanted kids." Meredith said quickly.

"I'm being selfish. I want you for awhile. You before we have the kids. And the diapers and the midnight feedings. I just want you and I. Just us. Living. Feeling free. I want my Mer. All to myself." Derek told her happily.

"But you want kids, right?" She asked again.

"I do. I want beautiful children with you. I want kids that have your eyes." Derek told her as he caressed her face.

"Your eyes... They need to have your eyes." Meredith returned.

"You have the most beautiful eyes. They sparkle. I want my children to have that sparkle." Derek said as he cocked his head.

"I don't care what they look like. I don't care what they do. Because no matter what, they will be perfect." Meredith said as she flipped through the pictures of the house. "And they are going to grow up here."

"Yes they will." Derek returned with a nod. "I'm going to see if I can find Dr. Nason. They should have been in here with your discharge papers by now."

"Okay." Meredith returned as she continued to look at her new home. She didn't even notice Ellis and Richard standing in the doorway. She heard Richard clear his throat and she looked up. "Um. what are you doing here?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"We heard. And... Oh honey, are you okay?" Ellis asked as she looked at her daughter.

"No. You can't come in here and pretend you care. You can't do that." Meredith said loudly. "I just need you to go."

"Meredith..." Richard said softly as he walked up.

"No. I have nothing to say to either of you. Nothing. Not- I tried to forgive you, Richard. And you..." She said as she looked at her mom. "There is no forgiving you. You hurt me. You hurt Derek. And you killed my child. You are not welcome here." Meredith told them frankly.

"Meredith! You need to get over this. We made mistakes. But we are still your parents. And we have always taken care of you." Ellis said as she looked at her.

"No. Not anymore. I'm all grown up. I made it on my own. And now I have Derek. Derek will take care of me. He is all I need. Please go." Meredith muttered as she rolled to her side. She heard the door shut as she laid there.

"Meredith... I know you are mad at me. I'm sorry." Richard said as he bent down next to her bed.

"I can't believe you went back with her. You knew what she did. You knew and you went back. I thought we could have a relationship. And now that is gone. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed." Meredith told him as her lip quivered. "But I have Derek. So you can go. You can leave this room and live happily ever after with her. Because Derek will help me with anything I need." Meredith told him frankly.

"I can't help it, honey. I love her. I know she hurt you. And I know she isn't the greatest person in the world. But I love her. And I can't let that go. I tried. I really did. But I couldn't. I just have hope that she- I just love her." Richard said as he rubber her arm.

"Well, now you know how I felt when you took Derek from me." Meredith told him as she sat up. "I can't do it. I can't forgive her. Someone tried to ruin my life yesterday. She accidently pushed me down the stairs. And I forgave her. But I will never forgive my mother. Never." Meredith told him frankly.

"All I can do is tell you how much I love you. If I could change it all, I would." Richard said as he kissed her on the forehead. "My only solace is knowing that you have Derek. He will take care of you." He said as he kissed her again and walked out.

Meredith laid there and let the tears fall. As mad as she was. As much as they hurt her, she still loved them. She loved them because they were her parents. But in her heart, she couldn't forgive her. Not Ellis. She never would. Sometimes the hurt is just too deep.

Derek knew something was wrong the minute he saw Meredith. His heart broke. He knew why. He saw them walking down the hallway. They had been here. He was hoping they hadn't. But seeing her in that bed, he knew they were.

"I'm sorry, baby." Derek said as he crawled in the bed with her.

"I'm okay. I am okay because I have you." She said with a smile as he wiped her tears. "Where are my discharge papers?"

"They are doing them now." Derek said as he kissed her head.

"Good. I want to go home." Meredith said as she snuggled against him. "I couldn't do it. I couldn't forgive her. I don't think I ever will. And Richard is back with her. And I can't accept it. I feel like he walked right over top of me. I gave him a choice. I was so happy to have my dad back. And now he's gone. I had to let him go." Meredith said as she cried softly.

"It's not forever, Mer. Nothing is forever." Derek told her frankly. "You can still have a relationship with Richard."

"I can't. I just can't." Meredith said quickly.

"And that's okay. You can only do what you can do." Derek told her with a smile and a kiss on the head.

---------------

Meredith couldn't wait to get home. She hated being a patient in the hospital. She felt so stupid when they pushed her to the car in a wheel chair. She was quiet as they drove back to the apartment. She had a satisfied smile on her face as the drove along in the silence. Derek rushed around the car when they got there and helped her out.

"I can walk!" Meredith told him loudly.

"Mer. Let me help you." Derek said firmly as he put his arm around her.

"Fine." She grumbled. But deep down she was was happy. He was so great. So caring. So perfect. "Oh. It's so good to be home." She mumbled as they walked into the apartment.

"Yes it is." Derek agreed as he shut the door. "I am going to go make you a bath."

"And I will let you." She said with a smile as she walked into their bedroom.

Meredith looked through her drawers for Derek's pajama pants and her Dartmouth tee shirt. Derek watched from the doorway as she shuffled through the dresser. He loved her so much. More than she knew. He could hold back the overwhelming urge he had to touch her. He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her body.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as she turned around and looked at him. "I love you."

"I love you more." Derek said as she laid her head against his chest. "Your bath should be ready."

"Thank you." Meredith said as she pulled away and walked to the bathroom. She laid her clothes down and began peeling off the ones she was wearing. "Hey Der?" She yelled.

"Yeah?" Derek asked as she rushed in.

"Join me. Please?" She asked as she pulled off the rest of her clothes and began working on his.

"I was going to make dinner..." Derek said as he looked at the door.

"Dinner can wait. I just need you in here. With me." Meredith said softly.

"Okay." Derek agreed as he looked into her eyes.

His eyes travelled to the mirror. She was covered in bruises. It broke his heart to see her look that way. But even through all of the pain, she was happy. They were happy. As he pulled Meredith down in the water, she laid her head against him. They were very lucky indeed.


	104. Brain Surgeon

Meredith had a week off. A whole week. She insisted that she was okay. She was more than ready to dive back into any surgical procedure that Dr. Santos would give her. But no. There was no rolls of elastoplast. There were no scalpels. No sutures. Just a house. A somewhat empty house. That she was standing in the middle of.

"Mer! I told you not to pick that box up." Derek grumbled as he walked up to her and pulled it out of her hands.

"Derek. I can lift it. I am okay." She said as she pulled it back away from him.

"No. You can't." He told her as he once again, removed it from her hands.

"Fine. But I won't break, you know." She muttered as she sulked.

"Mer, honey. You have a bad back. I don't want you to hurt yourself." Derek said as he walked up the stairs and looked back at her.

"Actually, I have a good back. A great back. Dr. Nason said I was good to go." She told him frankly.

"Yes, he did. But he didn't mean you could go crazy and start lifting cars!" Derek pointed out as he walked into their bedroom.

"First of all, that box is not a car. And secondly, I am the human statue. I have cement inside of me." She told him with a giggle.

"I thought you felt a little heavier..." Derek said with a chuckle.

"You are a grade-A ass!" She spat as she shoved him.

"That may be." Derek said with a chuckle as he pulled her against him. "I think I like you with a little cement. It suits you."

"You think?" She asked as she glanced at her back. "I kinda like it myself."

"So... What do you think?" Derek asked as he looked around.

"I love it. But I think we need to get something done." She told him as she looked around.

"And what would that be?" Derek asked her with a smirk.

"That would be a bed." Meredith told him as she looked at the bed parts sitting in the corner.

"I guess we do need a place to sleep tonight." Derek agreed as he looked at it.

"And a place for sex. Although we could improvise." She suggested as she looked around.

Derek wanted sex. But the guilt was right there in front of everything else. Sex had been torture for her. He had had an insatiable appetite and she had down anything and everything to feed it. She suffered for him. And now he was worried. He didn't want to take risks. He didn't want to hurt her. Jim Nason gave them and all clear, but she was still hesitant.

Meredith didn't know what was wrong. Derek didn't want sex. Every time she acted the least bit interested, he pulled away. He would make up some pathetic excuse. And now it seemed he was doing it again. She was beginning to wonder if something was wrong. As she looked in his eyes, he looked away. And she was wondering why.

"I want sex." She said frankly as she looked at him.

"Okay..." Derek said hesitantly as he looked away.

"I need sex. And you- I don't know what the hell is wrong with you." Meredith said quickly.

"Nothing is wrong with me. I just- I don't want to hurt you." Derek admitted softly.

"Oh, Derek... You can't hurt me. Believe me, if you didn't break me before, you won't now." She said as she walked up to him.

"I did hurt you. And you won't admit it. If I were hurting you- You just don't say anything." Derek pointed out.

"I am more than physically ready to have sex." Meredith said as she pulled at the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head.

"You're sure?" Derek asked as she peeled her top off and tossed it.

"So sure." She told him as she worked at his belt and slid his pants down.

"You will tell me if I hurt you?" Derek asked as he watched her pull of her jeans.

"I will." She told him with a grin as she unclasped her bra and slid it off.

A smile crossed her face as she looked down at his rising hard member. Meredith's mouth covered Derek's softly. A soft moan escaped her mouth as his tongue slid in and rubbed against hers. She felt his warm soft hands run down her back and massage her ass softly. He hooked his fingers around her panties and slid them down. They fell past her thighs and landed on the floor where she kicked them off and to the side. Her need only rose as she felt his hard cock press against her leg.

"Oh...Mer. I need you, baby." He muttered as he rubbed her back.

"Oh God... I need you." She replied softly as her hand grazed his rock hard cock.

Meredith lifted a leg up and rubbed his upper thigh with hers. Derek ran his hand down Meredith's side and to her soft feminine mound. He ran his fingers over her wet slit as she pulled her legs further apart. Meredith moaned as he rubbed her clit with his thumb.

"You are so wet, baby. I need you now." He groaned as he turned her around and pushed her against the wall.

"Shit!" Meredith said as she pushed him away.

"What?" Derek asked with concern as he looked at her.

"Condom. We need a condom." She said with a deep sigh.

"Crap. You're right." Derek agreed as he looked around the room.

"There are condoms in one of these boxes." She told him with a nod as she looked around.

"Operation: Find condoms." Derek said quickly as they began frantically looking for condoms.

"Shit..." Meredith whined as she looked trough the first box.

"Damn-it." Derek muttered as he looked. "Forget this." He said as he tossed the box upside down, it's contents pouring out.

"Good idea!" Meredith agreed as she tossed her own box. They continued tossing until Derek hit pay-dirt. The condoms fell on the floor, and Derek grabbed one.

"Thank you!" Derek said loudly as he ripped the package open and rolled it on.

"Oh god!" Meredith muttered as she wrapped her legs around Derek and he pushed her against the wall.

"Do you want it?" Derek asked with a smirk.

"Oh god, yes!" Meredith shouted as she grabbed his hard penis and placed it into herself.

"Damn you are wet. And tight." Derek moaned as he pushed her against the wall harder.

Derek slid his length in and out of her as she moaned loudly. He was so worried he was going to hurt her. He was being as gentle as he could with her. She continued to scream for him to do it harder and he couldn't. He just couldn't do it. Derek closed his eyes as he felt her warmth around him. They were connected. It was deepest connection he had ever felt. It was something only they shared.

"Come on, Derek. Harder, baby, harder!" She yelled as he pumped into her.

Meredith thrust her hips into him as she cried out. She could feel him off balance as she countered his movements. She arched her back against the wall and pushed, shoving them both to the floor. She needed him. And if he wasn't going to do it, she would do it for him.

"Thank you!" Meredith said loudly as she raised up and dropped on his hard penis.

"Oh... Shit, Mer!" Derek said in shock as she rode him hard. "You're busting my balls."

"Good." Meredith said with a smile as she ground her hips against him. Meredith could feel her climax coming strong. Her body began to tense up as he slid in and out of her. She could feel him starting to pulsate. "Oh...Oh...Oh...OH!" She screamed.

"Oh... Shit. I'm going to-" Derek cried out as his climax rushed over him. Their bodied contracted and released as their orgasms came over the.

All motion ceased as they basked in the pleasure that was running over them. Meredith closed her eyes and collapsed onto Derek's sweaty chest. She could hear his heart beating strongly as he came down from his high. They both remained silent as they laid there.

"See... I didn't break." She told him as she looked up.

"You didn't." Derek agreed as he kissed her softly.

"We have a lot of work to do." Meredith moaned as she rolled off of him.

"That we do." Derek agreed as he glanced at their room.

"I want to get our bed up." Meredith told him as she began getting dressed.

"Well, unless we want to sleep on the floor, we need to do that." Derek told her as he stood up.

Meredith and Derek looked around their room. It was overwhelming. So much was just sitting there. There were boxes and boxes. Meredith walked over to the bed and began moving it around. Derek laughed as he watched her. She sat it all back down and looked around again.

"I don't want to do this." Meredith said with a frown as she looked up.

"I see that." Derek said happily. "But it must be done." Derek said with a chuckle.

"See, this is when we need Mark. This is when we need our bitch." Meredith said with a giggle. "We could call him."

"He had surgery this morning." Derek muttered as he looked at the pile.

"Damn-it." Meredith said with a sigh.

"You were right. I'm sorry to say it, but you were right." Derek said with a smile.

"I know." Meredith said with a smirk. Meredith stood there and thought for a second. She had no idea what she was right about. "Now what was I right about?" She said. Derek began chuckling.

"Mark. Maybe we should have made him move in with us. He was helpful." Derek said with a nod.

"No kidding. And nothing was better than when he brought home take out." Meredith remembered as she looked off.

"Or when he did the dishes. He was a great dish washer." Derek pointed out. "And even better at shopping. The refrigerator was always full."

"Damn-it." Meredith said quickly. "I know I should have asked him to marry me."

"That was not nice." Derek said frankly as he looked at her.

"It wasn't?" She asked with a smirk.

"No. But if you would rather have him... You can have him. No big deal. I'll call him now. But I know he can't do what I can do. I know about the spot." Derek said frankly. "The spot that makes you-"

"Oh shit. Mark who? Who did you say he was again?" Meredith asked as she looked up and giggled.

"That's what I thought." Derek told her as he picked up the toolbox and walked to the bed.

"Well, at least you kind of know how to use tools." She laughed as she watched him take the wrench and start putting the bed together.

"I know what I am doing." Derek said with a smile as he put the bolt in the slot. "Hold this." He said as he nodded to the bed.

"So... I've been thinking." Meredith said as she looked down at him.

"That's not good." Derek replied with a chuckle.

"No. No it's not." Meredith said with a smile. "Wait! You aren't turning that the right way." She said as she pointed down at the wrench.

"Yes I am." Derek said as he continued turning it.

"Righty tight-y, lefty loose-y." Meredith said frankly.

"What?" Derek asked as he dropped his wrench on the floor.

"You go right to tighten, and left to loosen. Righty tight-y, lefty loose-y." She said quickly.

"That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard." He said as he shook his head. "And I was going right." Derek snapped.

"No you weren't. It sure wasn't getting tight. But then again, you are the brain surgeon." She said as she rolled her eyes.

"Yes I am." Derek agreed with a smile as he continued to work.

Meredith and Derek spent the whole day working on getting their new home ready. It felt perfect. It felt like home. Meredith was so happy. Derek picked out the perfect house. He knew what she wanted and he found it. She knew that this house would be the perfect place to raise their children.

Meredith was so tired by the end of the day. Derek was feeling the same way. They both ate some enchiladas and decided it was time to go to bed. Derek took a quick shower while Meredith walked around the house making sure everything was locked.

"I am so tired." Meredith moaned as she walked into their room.

"No kidding." Derek agreed as he pulled the blankets back.

"I just want to sleep." Meredith told him as she kicked her slippers off.

"Me too." Derek agreed as they both climbed into the bed. "For days."

"Yeah... Days..." Meredith muttered.

"Goodnight." Derek said with a kiss before he turned the light off.

"Night." Meredith muttered as she pulled the blankets up to her chin.

They were both just falling asleep. It was that moment right before they lost consciousness. That moment when everything was still and comfortable. The whole house was quiet. And then it happened. Boom. They both flashed their eyes opened, realizing that the bed was now on the floor.

"Brain surgeon." Meredith muttered as she looked over.

"And we weren't even having sex." Derek said as they both began laughing. "Shit."

Welcome home.


	105. Lucky To Have Friends

Meredith spent her week off getting the new house ready. Every morning Derek would offer to stay home, and every morning she would send him away. It was nice to have some quiet pain-free time to herself. It felt great to be able to do anything and not wince or feel like she was dying.

Her days consisted of shopping for the perfect things for their house. She never was a shopper, but it passed the time. She tried sneaking into the hospital, but was quickly run off by Dr. Bailey, who insisted that she go home and rest. She that was all that was left. A trip to the local art gallery brought home several pieces from local artists. Her trip to the nearest Bed, Bath and Beyond store brought home all new bed linens and kitchen supplies. She and Derek had left nearly all of the furnature for Mark. Meredith owned the apartment and it had come furnished.

She felt happy to be in the house. Admittedly she was a little sad that she left the apartment that had become so comfortable to her. She didn't like big changes. She had enough big changes for a lifetime. She left Mark. That really bothered her. It may seem foolish, but Mark made her fell safe. Not that Derek didn't. But she liked to have both of her big strong men around. Mark was her big brother and she enjoyed having him to talk to.

Meredith pulled the casserole out of the oven. This was new. She didn't cook. And now she was attempting to. It smelled okay. Meredith poked it with a fork and stuck her nose near it. Yep, it definitely smelled okay. It actually smelled good. She grabbed out plates from the cabinet and placed them on the table. She smiled as she saw Derek's car coming down the driveway.

"Something smells good..." Derek said as he opened the garage door. "Where's the take-out from?"

"Take out?" Meredith asked as she put the glass casserole dish on the table. "This is home cooking, baby."

"No way." Derek said in shock. "You can't cook."

"Maybe I can." Meredith said quickly. "It sure smells like I can."

"If it tastes the way it smells, it may be okay." Derek muttered as he poked it with the serving fork.

"Don't poke it!" Meredith said quickly as she swatted his hand away. "It needs to rest or whatever."

"Or cool?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"Or that... Yeah. Cool." Meredith told him with a nod. "You need to wash your hands."

"Okay, mom." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Mom, huh?" Meredith asked with a smirk. "Can your mom do this?" Meredith asked as she snuck behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Hug me, yeah, mom can do that." Derek replied with a chuckle.

"Hmmm... Can mama do ithis?" Meredith asked as she kissed him softly. "Or this?" She asked as she ran her hands down the inside of his pants.

"Whoa... Mom definitely can't do that." Derek said with a chuckle. "And if you keep doing that then there will be no dinner."

"Dinner can wait you know... The food needs to rest." Meredith told him.

"Or cool..." Derek muttered as Meredith played with his belt.

"God... I need you. Right here on this granite countertop." Meredith told him in a throaty voice as she unbuttoned his shirt.

"Yes..." Derek agreed as he lifted her onto the countertop. Derek's mouth trailed down Meredith's neck. She moaned softly as his hard cock pressed against her.

"Just fuck me..." Meredith moaned loudly. They both looked up as the doorbell rang. "Damn-it. Make them go away." She said quickly.

Derek grumbled as he truged towards the door. He was lloking quite disheveled in his open shirt, unbuckled belt and tossled hair. As he walked to the door he began straightening himself up. His frown only grew as he saw Kristy and Mark.

"Hey." Derek muttered as he opened the door.

"Whoa... You look rough." Mark said quickly.

"We came over to see the house." Kristy said with a smile as she handed Derek a pie. "It's apple."

"Thanks." Derek said with a sigh as he looked over at the kitchen.

"Did we come at a bad time?" Kristy asked with a frown as she peeked inside.

"Der... Come back here." Meredith whined loudly.

"We came at a bad time." Mark said with a nod.

"You're interupting sex." Derek grumbled, expecting them to leave.

"Derek... Oh, hi!" Meredith said with a smile as she walked up. "What are you guys doing here?"

We came to see the house. But if we are interupting something, we can go." Kristy said with a smile.

"No. You were definitely not interupting anything. We were just getting ready to eat." Meredith said with a smile.

"So we were told." Mark said with a chuckle. "We could stay and eat." He replied as he shot Derek a smirk.

"Mer cooked." Derek spat out quickly.

"Well, it was nice seeing you, but we really should get going." Mark said quickly as he turned around.

"Mark, don't be an ass. If you would like us to stay, we would be delighted." Kristy told Meredith quickly.

"Of course we want you to stay." Meredith told them as she walked into the kitchen and grabbed two more dinner plates.

"I am missing out on sex." Derek whined as he looked at them.

"And if you whine about it, you will be for the next week." Meredith told him as sat the plates down.

"What is it?" Mark asked as he poked the casserole.

"It's hamburger casserole. And what is with you men and poking things?" Meredith asked quickly.

"We like to poke." Mark said with a grin.

"Yes, and I would have liked to poke. I was ready to poke. Things were going to be poked." Derek grumbled as he sat down at the table.

"And now you can. Tonight you can poke. Your hand." Meredith said as she sat his silverwear down.

"The house is amazing." Kristy said as she looked around. "What I could see of it."

"I'll take you for a tour after we eat. I made salad." Meredith told them as she walked to the refigerator and grabbed the large bowl.

"At least we know the salad will be safe." Mark said with a chuckle as he grabbed the bowl.

"I got the recipe from Linda." Meredith said, hoping that would convince him that it was edible.

"Oh, she does make an awesome hamburger casserole." Kristy agreed with a nod as she put some salad in her bowl.

"So how was the hospital?" Meredith asked as she looked around.

She felt like she was missing out. One day away, and she was feeling as if the whole place had changed. She knew that all of the good surgeries were going on while she was stuck at him. She could never be a stay at home mom. She could cut back. But she could never cut it out completely.

"Not much." Mark explained. "I had a rhinoplasty."

"I had a cervical laminectomy." Derek said simply.

"I saw kids all day." Kristy said with a shurg. "I guess all the good stuff is waiting for you."

"You guys are just being nice." Meredith said simply as she took some hamburger casserole.

"No. We aren't. It has been slow." Mark told her quickly. "So how was your day?"

"Borning." Meredith grumbled as she looked at the three of them.

"What did you do?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"Shopped. I bought things for the house." Meredith told him.

"Good. You need to rest. Some time off. Shopping was good." Derek told her with a pleased smile.

"Yeah. We'll see if you say that when you get your credit card statemnt." Meredith told him with a smirk.

"Honey... You can buy whatever you want. As long as you are happy." Derek told her softly.

"Okay. That's good. I guess you didn't notice the Ferrari in the garage." She said with smile.

"If that's what you want..." Derek said, knowing she didn't buy a Ferrari.

"You need to watch what you say, man. That is a really stupid thing to do." Mark told him as he looked at Meredith.

"Money isn't everything, Mark." Derek told him with a smile. "There is so much more." He stated as he looked over at Meredith.

There was a moment. Derek and Meredith looked at each other. Everyone could see it. But they couldn't come close to understanding it. They had a connection that was deep. They talked without words. The felt each other's pain. Mark and Kristy just watched them. They knew they would never have that. No one else did.

"So when are you going back to work, kid?" Mark asked as he looked across the table.

"Tomorrow." Meredith said happily. "And I can't wait."

"You are going to be down and intern, aren't you?" Kristy asked as she looked up.

"I am." Meredith said with a nod. "But that's okay. She will be okay. She's just confused."

"You aren't kidding." Mark pointed out. "The girl was a train wreck."

"She has potential." Meredith told them as she looked around.

"You were way too easy on her, Mer." Derek said frankly. "She almost killed you."

"By accident." Meredith said frankly.

"We're just very lucky." Kristy said with a smile. Kristy took a big bite of Meredith's entrée.

"You guys do realize that you have eaten my horrible food. And no one has spit it out yet, so should I assume that it is edible." Meredith said as she looked at them all.

"It's great." Derek said with a big grin. "Although I'm not really sure how..."

"It is." Mark and Kristy agreed with a big smile.

"It tastes wonderful, Mer." Kristy said with a nod.

Derek's irritation quickly went away as he talked to his friends. He was happy to have them They were so lucky that everything worked out. They had jumped over amazing hurdles. They had done amazing things. They were all friends. After all of the mess, they were all still friends.

"Derek, do you want to show them around while I do Mark's job?" She asked as she looked over.

"My job? What is my job?" Mark asked as he looked up at her.

"The dishes. I miss you, my bitch." Meredith told him with a giggle.

"I bet you do." He said with a nod as he walked over.

"I don't need help. Go. Go look at the house." She said as she waved him away.

"This house is amazing, Derek." Mark said as he followed him up the stairs.

"Thanks." Derek responded with a smile. "I had been looking for awhile."

"Yeah. I figured. The standards." Mark pointed out with a nod.

"Standards. What standards?" Kristy asked as she looked around.

"Derek promised Meredith a white house. Picket fence. A kid. And a dog." Mark explained.

"Right from the beginning. We were sitting on the sofa. About fifteen years ago. And I said it. I told her we would have it all. And from then on, that's what it had to be. This house isn't white. But it's close." Derek told them both.

"That's really sweet, Derek." Kristy responded genuinely.

"So when are you getting the kid and the dog?" Mark asked as he looked over.

"Well, the dog... Soon, I think. And the kid. Well, I want to wait. Just awhile. Meredith just got better. I want her too feel good for awhile before she shares her body with another human." Derek pointed out.

"That's probably a good idea." Kristy said with a nod as they continued to walk through the house.

"I just want her to be happy." Derek told them both frankly.

"I think that's what we all want." Mark said with a nod.

As they all stood there, they knew that was the truth. That was what they all wanted. She had been through so much. And they just wanted her to be happy. And all of them would do whatever they had to to ensure that happiness.

**Okay…So you are saying you already read this. And you have. I made a mistake and posted them in the wrong order. This is chapter 105 (Lucky to have friends) Chapter 104 is (Brain Surgeon) I am so sorry, guys. This is what happens when I post on all these sites!**


	106. Weekend Getaway

Bliss. That's what it could be called. Meredith and Derek were experiencing pure bliss. Doing what the want. When they want. With the exception of work, of course. They enjoyed spending time together just being them. It was so refreshing to feel like they did all those years ago. Months had passed, and everything was perfect. Completely perfect.

Meredith walked around the house. She had plans. She moved things around and she made it work. It was all ready to go. She changed shifts with another resident and Derek had the weekend off. She had the whole thing set up. He didn't even know what was going on. He had to idea what was to come.

Meredith walked into her closet and began going through her clothes. She had to pack. She had to pack for both o them because they were leaving the minute Derek got home. She riffled through her dresser, looking for just the right things. Her visit to the her favorite boutique produces some very sexy and interesting items that she was bound and determined to try out.

It seemed that their fun had not ceased. Even with age, they were the same old Meredith and Derek. With Meredith's fixed back, she was feeling great. They had been doing things that they never had. Sex was fun again. And she was more than willing to try out any position Derek could dream up. And Derek was more than willing to do anything she asked.

Meredith pulled the suitcases to her Jeep. She knew Derek well enough to know what he wore and what he would need on their little trip. As she flipped her seat down and tossed the bags in, she was hoping that he would want this. She was having second thoughts. Maybe he had made plans that she didn't know about. All she could do was hope as she shut the back and walked back into the house. She paced nervously as she looked at the clock.

The butterflies in Meredith's stomach grew as she saw Derek's headlights coming down the driveway. She was ready. She had been ready to go since early in the day. She had been thinking about this for a long time. A smile covered her face as she heard the garage door open and Derek walk in.

"Mer..." Derek said with a smile as he shut the door.

"Welcome home." Meredith replied with a soft kiss.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he looked at her. She was more than ready to go somewhere, he just didn't know where.

"We have somewhere we need to go." Meredith told him with a nod.

"And where would that be?" Derek asked with a smile.

"That would be somewhere. Go change your clothes. Something comfortable." Meredith told him as she waved him away. "Jeans."

"What did you plan?" Derek asked as a smirk covered his face.

"Something special." She told him quickly. "But seriously... You have to get ready. We're going to be late." She said as she looked down at her watch.

"What's the big hurry?" Derek muttered as he pulled her close and began sucking on her neck.

"We have an appointment of sorts." Meredith told him with a sigh.

"Interesting." Derek said with a smile. "So... Do I need a shower?"

"Yes. Take a shower. But hurry up. I'm serious Derek. They will leave." Meredith huffed loudly.

"Who will leave?" Derek asked as he pulled her against him again.

"People. Just- Come on!" She spat with irritation.

"Oh, I can cum... Join me in the shower." Derek muttered as he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.

"Stop!" Meredith shouted as he made a mad dash up the stairs.

"Come on, baby... Me and you. The shower. Hot water." He said as he rubbed her ass with his hand. "Oh my god... You don't- There's no time to take a shower. Shit, my watch must be off."

"What?" Derek asked as he sat her down.

"Change. We have to go now!" Meredith said loudly as she threw his clothes at him. "Strip!"

"Okay, okay." Derek said with a chuckle as he pulled his shirt off and changed. "You know, you are kind of hot when you boss me around."

"Well, remember that for later." Meredith told him with a smile. "Drop the pants."

"I definitely like bossy." Derek repeated as he dressed. "So where are we going?" Derek asked as he followed her down the stairs.

"Down the stairs." She said quickly. "Through the great room. And to the garage. And in the Jeep." She said as she walked around and climbed into the driver's seat of her Jeep Commander.

"So this thing you have planned..." Derek said quickly.

"Just keep your mouth shut." Meredith told him with a smile.

Derek was silent as she drove. He was trying desperately to figure out where they were going. They weren't going for a nice dinner, they were both dressed far too casually for that. And they had no luggage. He was running out of ideas. Whatever it was, he was excited. She was taking charge. It was sure to be an adventure.

"Shit!" Meredith muttered as she looked around.

"Are you lost, honey? I could help you. If you told me where we are going." Derek said with a smirk.

"I am not lost!" She insisted as she looked around. "Sh- There!" She said as she turned.

Derek's eyes got wide as they drove towards the pier. Meredith quickly put the car in park and shuffled things around in her glove-box. She was satisfied when she shoved the small folder in her purse. Derek looked at her with confusion.

"We are at the pier." Derek pointed out.

"That we are." Meredith said with a nod as she opened her door and climbed out.

"A ferry ride? Not that I wouldn't love a ferry ride." He said as he followed her around the back. "Luggage?" Derek asked as he looked in.

"Grab your bags." She said as she grabbed her own.

"Where the hell are we going?" Derek asked as he wheeled his bag down the sidewalk beside her. "Holy shit!"

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked over.

"This is Pier 69!" Derek said with a big smirk. "Wherever we are going, I am definitely going to like it."

"You bet your ass you will." Meredith said with a giggle as she walked up.

"Tickets please." The man asked as the neared the catamaran. "How are you tonight?" He asked as he took their tickets and scanned them.

"Great." Meredith said with a smile as she took the tickets back. Derek grabbed them out of her hand.

"Victoria. We're going to Vancouver Island?" He asked with a smile.

"We needed a weekend away." Meredith told him as she grabbed the scanned tickets back and placed them in her purse.

"Interesting. I like it." He told her with a smile as they walked onto the boat.

They took Meredith and Derek's bags as they boarded the boat. She was hoping that he would like this. She knew he liked ferries. And this wasn't a ferry, it was a high speed catamaran. But it was a boat, and it would get them where they needed to go.

"So what are these plans you have made in Victoria?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"Stuff." She muttered as they continued to walk.

"Sex? Sex all weekend?" Derek asked with a grin.

"Possibly." She told him with a nod. "I'm sure there will be sex at some point."

"Some point? That doesn't sound like any fun." Derek grumbled as they sat down in their plush seats.

Meredith felt satisfied as they sat in their seats and looked out at the dark waters. It was perfect. The water wasn't too choppy. As they sailed away from Seattle, the city looked beautiful lit up at night. Meredith laid her head back and closed her eyes. His hand grasped hers. No one could take the grin off of her face.

Derek was happy. A weekend away with the love of his life seemed like the perfect thing. He didn't care what she had planned. As long as it was him and her, it would be great. He followed suit and closed his eyes and falling asleep.

"Mer..." Derek said as he shook her away.

"Mmm?" Meredith moaned as she opened her tired eyes.

"You have to look at the sunrise." He said as he kissed her softly.

"It's beautiful." She said with a smile as she looked out.

The steward walked by with a cart full of breakfast foods. Meredith and Derek happily took their breakfast as the the steward handed it to them. They were starving, and realized it as soon as they looked down at the croissants and fresh fruit. Meredith quickly forked Derek's honeydew melon and gave him her grapes.

"Hey!" Derek said quickly.

"You don't like honeydew." Meredith said with a smile. "I know you."

"Maybe you are right. But I may have acquired a taste for it." Derek said with raised eyebrows.

"Too bad. It's mine now." She said as she licked it.

"Like that would stop me." Derek said with a chuckle as he took a grape in his mouth.

"Champagne?" A woman asked as she walked up.

"That would be great." Meredith said with as smile as she accepted the long stemmed glass.

"You went all out, my dear." Derek said with a smile as he sipped his champagne.

"Of course I did." Meredith told him with a smile as she too took a sip.

Meredith and Derek looked out across the water. It looked so beautiful. They both had a love for it. It had the ability to relax them immediately. The sights were beautiful as they looked at the island villages off in the distance. As they approached Victoria's Inner Harbour, Meredith's anticipation grew.

"So what will we be doing today?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Well, we will go to the bed and breakfast and get checked in." Meredith said quickly.

"And then we will have sex?" Derek asked with a smile.

"After we do some things first." Meredith said with a nod as they watched the boat dock.

Meredith and Derek collected their luggage and happily walked off of the ship. The weather was perfect. She was hoping it would be perfect. She needed it to be. As they walked the short distance from the pier to the bed and breakfast, they were amazed at how beautiful it was. There were beautiful plants and flowers everywhere. Every lamppost had flowing pink hanging baskets.

Meredith was pleased as they walked into the quaint bed and breakfast. It was perfect. It was tastefully simple. They checked in and walked up the stairway to their upstairs room. A grin crossed both of their faces as they walked into the room. The bed had a beautifully handmade quilt covering it. Fresh cut flowers where in vases on the bedside tables. There was a table and chairs by the large picture window looking out at the water. It was all so perfect.

"So what is on the agenda?" Derek asked as he sat his bags down in the corner.

"Um... Some things." Meredith said frankly as she looked out the window. "Why don't you go take a shower?" She said as she pulled out his travel bag and handed it to him.

"And you will join me?" Derek asked with a hopeful smile.

"I have something I need to do. You take a shower." Meredith told him as she waved him away.

Meredith hurriedly began unpacking things from their bags. She quickly grabbed her bag and placed it on the bed. She went through his bags and pulled out a pair of black dress pants and a nice crisp white dress shirt. She laid them on the bed with his black shoes on the floor below. She scribbled a note and placed it on his shirt. She grabbed her own bag and hurriedly walked out the door.

"Mer?" Derek said as he walked out of the steamy bathroom with his towel around his waist. "Mer?" He asked again as he looked at the bed. His eyes fell on the note.

_[iDerek..._

_Put these on. You have somewhere_

_you need to be. Meet me at the park _

_down the road at noon._

_Love, _

_Me[/i_

Confusion washed over Derek as he looked around the room, expecting more clues. He returned to the bathroom and worked on his hair, seeing that he had time to kill. He didn't know what she was up to. He was assuming it was a nice lunch by the water. He knew there were several formal restaurants by the park.

Derek looked at the clock, seeing that it was nearly noon. He tied the laces in his shiny black italian leather shoes and walked out the door. As he hit the street, a soft breeze blew the scent of the flowers across his nose. He made the quick jaunt through town and towards the park. His eyes got wide as he looked up.

She was beautiful. She literally took his breath away as she stood on the hill. The backdrop of flowers made her stand out like an angel. The sun shown around her. Her golden was pinned up tightly. Her simple white A-frame gown looked perfect on her body. The veil ran down her back softly. She stood there with a bouquet of lavender calla lilies in her hands tied with a simple white ribbon.

"You look so beautiful." Derek whispered as the tears pricked at his eyes. "This was your plan?"

"It was. Just you and I." Meredith explained as she looked into his blue eyes.

"Meredith and Derek." The officiate said softly as he nodded at them both. "Are you ready?"

"So ready." Meredith told him with a happy nod.

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. Life's circumstances change from day to day. Life pushes and pulls us together. Many have so little faith in flow of life and love. Many expect things to be perfect all of the time, and that just can't be. You must be willing to leap with one another. To bend and move with the circumstances that arise. Meredith and Derek, you know something about this. Finding each other was a miracle. And it seems that much of your lives has been made of miracles. Bending and flexing is a must to ensure a happy life. And you both have learned to embrace this." The officiate said softly.

"Derek and Meredith, I understand you have written your own vows?" He asked Meredith and she nodded. Derek looked at her in a panic and she smiled softly as she grabbed his hands. He finally sighed and began speaking.

"Meredith, when I met you, I knew I had meant someone amazing. The room stopped and it was just you and I. I saw the most beautiful woman in the world. You were the epitome of perfection. When I lost you, I lost everything. But you were always with me. We were apart for fourteen years, but really we weren't. Because for fourteen years, you were in my heart. And you will always be. You are the only one I ever want. My one true love. My only love. My heart beats for you." He said softly as he watched the tears fall from her eyes.

"Derek, when I met you, I knew I had meant the most wonderful man in the world. You made me feel differently than I had ever felt before. When you looked in my eyes, it was like you were looking into my soul. You are my heart and soul. You are my oxygen. My life force. I cannot imagine my life without you. You were gone for so long and I was lost. But now I am found. And I know I cannot be lost again. Our hearts are connected from now and for always. I love you, Derek." She said softly as she watched the tears well up in his eyes.

"For thousands of years lovers have exchanged rings as a token of their vows. These simple bands are not of great value in themselves, but are made precious by our wearing of them. Your rings say that even in your uniqueness you have chosen to be bound together. Let these rings also be a sign that love has substance as well as soul, a present as well as a past, and that, despite its occasional sorrows, love is a circle of happiness, wonder, and delight. Derek, take Meredith's ring and put it on her finger, and repeat after me." The officiate said as he held out her band.

"Just as this circle is without end, my love for you is eternal. Just as it is made of indestructible substance. My commitment to you will never fail. With this ring I take you to be my trusted confidante and partner for life." Derek said softly as his voice cracked.

"Meredith, put the ring on Derek's finger and repeat after me" He said as he held out Derek's ring.

"Just as this circle is without end, my love for you is eternal. Just as it is made of indestructible substance. My commitment to you will never fail. With this ring I take you to be my trusted confidante and partner for life." Meredith said as she slid on his ring and began to cry.

"Derek and Meredith, you have come here today to be bound in love and spirit. Your hearts have melted and now beat as one. I wish only love and joy for both of you. Derek, you may now kiss your bride." The officiate said softly.

"I love you, Meredith." Derek said as he placed his hands on her face and pulled he into a long passionate kiss.

"Congratulations, Dr. and Dr. Derek and Meredith Shepherd." He said with a smile.

Derek leaned in and pulled her to him. Their lips crashed as he tasted her sweet mouth. Meredith ran her fingers through his hair as she pulled him into her. Derek quickly whisked her up and held her close. As they turned around, they noticed a large group of strangers was watching the ceremony. Many had tears in their eyes as they gazed at them. Meredith giggled as she threw her bouquet and a little girl caught it. Their love was perfection, in the truest form.

**Okay, this site is giving me major trouble. I cannot login from my laptop anymore. Nor can I read fics. All pages are blank. If you are reading this, I did it from the desktop. And that thing hates me. So anyhow... We have big problems here. You can read updates on the other site (which is my homepage.) Hoping it will work.**

**I am hoping you didn't see that coming! It was time. Now review... Please.**


	107. Mr and Mrs

Derek was in shock. Total and utter shock. Never did the thought cross his mind that he would be married before sunset. It was a surprise. But it was a pleasant one. He couldn't think of a more perfect way for them to get married. When he married Kristy, he hated the big ceremony. It wasn't because it was Kristy. He always thought that it should be personal. Just them. It felt right to share that moment with one another. A moment that was just theirs without all of the pressure and the people.

Meredith could tell by the look on Derek's face that he was happy. She worried that he wouldn't want to have this sprung on him. But it felt like the right time in their lives to do it. She didn't want to wait forever. It had already been too long as it is. Her eyes melted into his as he looked up at him. She was in his arms and it never felt better.

Derek kissed Meredith softly and sat her down. Derek didn't say a word as he and Meredith walked back to the bed and breakfast. Everyone clapped and smiled as they watched the happy couple make their way down the road. Meredith smiled as a small child began throwing flower petals at them. It was all too perfect. Meredith laid her head on his shoulder as they walked into the bed and breakfast and walked in.

"Wow..." Derek said with a smile as they walked into their room.

"Was it okay?" Meredith asked as she walked towards him.

"Okay? Baby, it was perfect." Derek said as he leaned towards her and kissed her softly.

"Not too soon?" She asked as she laid her head against his chest.

"Not a moment." Derek responded as he held her against him. "I love you, Mrs. Shepherd."

"Dr. Shepherd." Meredith stated quickly.

"What?" Derek asked, thinking she was asking him a question.

"I'm Dr. Shepherd now." Meredith said quickly. "Not. Mrs."

"You will always be my Mrs. Shepherd." Derek stated frankly. "My wife. I can't believe it. My wife."

"And you are my husband." Meredith replied with a satisfied nod.

"That I am." Derek agreed softly.

"I want my husband." Meredith told him with a soft smile as she began unbuttoning his crisp white shirt.

"Do you?" Derek asked with a smile as he placed his hands on the sides of her face.

"I do." She confirmed as she got to the last button and slid it off. "Definitely."

"And I would like to make love to my wife." Derek told her with a smile.

Meredith pulled off Derek's white undershirt and ran her hands over his chest. She loved they way he felt beneath her touch. She sighed as she began working at his black leather belt. She unbuckled it and pulled the buttery leather strap through the belt loops and laid it in the chair. She quickly slid her shoes off and kicked them to the side. Her hands worked on his button and zipper, letting his black dress pants fall to the floor. Derek stood in front of her in his boxers, and turned her around gently.

"Mmm..." She moaned as she felt his hands on her shoulders.

Derek slowly slid the zipper down, revealing her milky white skin beneath. Derek slid the the thin straps off of her shoulders and let the dress fall to the floor in a satiny white pile. Derek ran his hands over her back, trailing the tiny pink surgical scar. He continued around her sides and felt up her abdomen, clutching her breasts softly. Her trailed back around and his hands played with the clasp on her strapless bra, letting it fall to the floor. She moaned as his hands grasped her hips and played with her white panties. He looped his fingers on them and let them join the pile.

"Just take me, Derek." Meredith moaned as she rubbed her ass against his hard erect cock. "Mmmm... Condom." She reminded him as she reached behind and rubbed him softly.

"Not a problem." Derek said softly as he grabbed the condom out of his wallet and rolled it on.

"Come on, Derek." Meredith moaned as she rubbed him again.

"Oh, God, Mer." Derek moaned as he gently bent her over.

"Yeah, like that." She agreed as she laid her chest and head on the bed.

"Are you sure?" Derek asked softly. He didn't want to take her like that. He wanted to lay her down gently and gaze into her eyes. He wanted it to be as soft and sweet as it was meant to be.

"Please?" She asked softly.

Derek ran his hand down her back and over the apple of her ass. His fingers trailed down between her legs, fingering her clit. He could feel her anticipation as her hot cum ran down her leg. He plunged two fingers into her heated core. He smiled with satisfaction as she pushed her ass out for him. Derek spread her legs gently and slid himself into her moist heat.

"Oh... You feel so good." Meredith moaned as she felt his thick hard cock seated deep into her core.

"Yeah?" Derek asked as he looked down and pulled his slick wet cock out of her and pressed it back in gently.

"Oh... Yeah..." Meredith moaned as she spread her legs further apart.

"Oh... Honey you are so tight." Derek grunted as he pushed deep into her core.

Meredith's eyes closed as she felt his balls press against her. His girth pressed against her walls as he plunged in and out of her. She could feel her going deeper and harder as his climax began to take him over.

"Oh..." Meredith muttered as she felt her walls begin to clamp down. She could feel the tiny beads of sweat beginning to cover them both. Their bodies slide faster and harder as fluids and sweat began to lubricate them. "Oh...Oh...Oh!" She cried out as she felt his cock begin to pulsate in her core. She let out several cries before releasing herself around him. He laid there as he continued to pump into her, his climax causing him to grunt loudly. Derek laid his head down on her back and kissed it softly as his cock twitched inside of her.

"Thank you..." Meredith moaned as he pulled his placid cock from inside of her.

"You never have to thank me..." Derek said as he turned her around and kissed her on the head.

Derek laid her back on the bed and propped himself up on his elbow as he looked at her. Meredith smiled as she looked into his eyes. He didn't speak as he continued to study here. It felt so perfect. This moment was one of the many that they shared.

"Stop." Meredith said as she giggled.

"Stop what?" Derek asked as he leaned over and kissed her.

"Stop looking at me like that." She said as she continued to giggle.

"Like what?" Derek questioned and he feathered his hand over her soft skin.

"Like that... All satisfied. And looking at me..." Meredith said as she kissed his chest.

"I love to look at you. For years I would have given anything to look at you." He told her as he drew in a breath.

"Me too." Meredith agreed as she nodded her head.

"Are you happy?" Derek asked her as he continued to look at her.

"Of course I am happy. I'm your wife." She explained as she gazed up at him. "How can I not be happy when I am married to the most wonderful man in the world?" She asked him as she pushed him onto his back.

"So true. And I am married to the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world." Derek told her softly as he looked up at her.

"You aren't upset that your family wasn't here, are you?" Meredith asked as she laid her chin on his chest and looked up at him.

"I had you. Meredith you are all I need. As long as I have you, I know everything will be perfect." Derek told her as he rubbed her head.

"Good." She agreed as she laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes.

------------

Derek and Meredith fell asleep in each other's arms. They were both exhausted from the long night time boat ride and the excitement of the day's events. Not to mention the marathon sex that they continued to have. Derek moaned as he opened his eyes, seeing her still asleep with a faint smile on her lips. She looked so satisfied. Derek gently rubbed her cheek.

Derek slowly rolled from beneath her and walked to the bathroom. The large claw footed bathtub was far too tempting. He flipped the hot water on and looked in the mirror. What she had done was so perfect and so them. He didn't know when she even had the time to put it together. As steam began to fill the bathroom, he walked out, seeing her splayed across the bed with a smile on her face.

"Mmm... Where did you go?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"I'm making us a bath." Derek told her as he walked over and laid beside her.

"Sounds perfect." She agreed with a smile as she glanced up at him. "Let's go..." She muttered as she rolled across him and climbed out of the bed. Derek stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He followed behind her, never taking his hands off of her body. "Perfect." She moaned as she walked into the steamy bathroom.

Derek climbed into the hot water and pulled her down with him. Meredith sat in his lap and laid her back against his chest. They both closed their eyes and took in the feeling of their bodies laying against each other's. The hot water felt perfect against their bodies. Derek grabbed a washcloth and began squeezing hot water down Meredith's chest.

Meredith looked around the bathroom. The soft flower boarder tied in with everything else. It was all so homey. There were even fresh cut flowers in there. In the corner was an antique wash basin filled with rolled up bath towels and washcloths. Each one was tied with a pink ribbon. It felt so relaxing and comfortable.

"You are too perfect." Meredith told him as she laid her cheek against his chest.

"Well, then we are perfection, because you, my dear, are perfect." Derek told her as he kissed her head.

"I can't imagine being like this- Doing this with anyone else." Meredith muttered as she laid there.

Derek didn't know how to respond. He knew she was talking about Adrien. It didn't really bother him. He never thought about it anymore. He never thought about how for awhile she was planning on staying with Adrien. He couldn't even imagine that. He couldn't imagine her married to Adrien and willing to have his children. They were so lucky. Even if it was a painful road, tit was worth it.

Derek never had these moments with Kristy. There was never the love. There were never these intimate moments that felt so perfect and so right. He couldn't imagine laying in a bathtub with her. Meredith was the only woman for him. And she always would be. They both looked up when they heard a knock on the door.

"Oh... Dinner." She moaned, realizing that she had asked them to bring she and Derek dinner tonight.

"Dinner?" Derek asked as he kissed her on the neck.

"Uh huh..." She moaned as she leaned forward.

"You stay here. I'll get the dinner. Come out when you're ready. Just relax." Derek told her as he climbed out of the tub and pulled his robe on.

Meredith laid in the bathtub for a few minutes. When she heard their door click shut, she pulled her weak body out of the water. It seemed that the sex and warm water had completely drained her of any energy she had. She pulled on a robe and walked out to the table by the window where Derek had their dinner.

Meredith and Derek ate their dinner together. They could see the faint lights of the town out the window. Meredith liked it here. It was definitely a place that she wanted to come back to. The food was prepared perfectly right down to the homemade berry cobbler. They both ate most of their dinner and placed the plates on the cart. Derek pushed the cart to the door and put it in the hallway. When he came back in, he saw Meredith laying on her back with her robe open.

"You look quite tasty, Mrs. Shepherd." Derek said as crawled on the bed with her.

"I need you..." She said in a sultry voice as she ran her hand over herself.

"Do you, now?" Derek asked as he ran his hand over her abdomen.

"Oh god, yes." She moaned as she grabbed his hand and placed it inside of her. "See how wet you make me?" She asked as she pulled his hand out and placed it in his mouth.

"I do. And what do we do about this little problem?" He asked as he licked their fingers.

"It's not a little problem. It's a big problem." She whined as she stuck his fingers back inside of her.

"Oh... I see. It is." Derek said as he ran his fingered up and down her wet slit.

"It won't stop." She whined as she bucked her hips.

"And how do we make it stop?" Derek asked her with raised brows.

"Your cock." She moaned as she ran her hand inside of her robe and pumped his cock.

"Hmm... And what am I supposed to do with my cock?" Derek asked as he looked down at her.

"Fill me with it." She moaned as she continued to run her hand up and down his shaft.

"And how do I do that?" Derek asked as he grabbed a condom.

"Oh..." She moaned as she grabbed it out of his hands and ripped it open , and then rolled it on. "Slide it in..." She moaned as she pulled him down. "Right there..." She cried as the head of his cock rubbed against her. "Oh, god, Derek! Fuck me!" She yelled loudly as her body begged for him.

"Oh!" Derek grunted as he shoved his cock deep inside of her.

"Hard and fast. I want you to do it hard and fast." She yelled as she grabbed his ass.

Derek pumped into her over and over. She held his ass in her hands as he pushed himself in and out. Derek kissed her lips and slid his tongue inside of her mouth, mimicking the motions of his cock. She moaned as she felt fill her both and her tight pussy, pushing and pulling hard. His mouth moved to her neck as he sucked and licked her flesh.

"Derek..." She cried out loudly.

"Cum for me, baby. Cum for me now!" He demanded as he worked her harder and faster.

"Oh.. Oh..." She cried as she was near the edge. "Oh...oh...OH!" She screamed as her body clamped down and began to spasm. She felt everything twitch and shake as the strong waves of her orgasm washed over her, causing her to moan.

"Ok, fuck...Oh god... Mer. Fuck!" Derek spat as his cock released his hot cum. "Fuck..."

They both laid there panting and moaning as their orgasms took them over. Wave after wave. The sweat poured from them as their warm bodies laid against each other. Derek continued to kiss her chest as she laid there with her eyes closed.

"I don't want to go back. I just want to lay here with you forever..." Meredith moaned as she felt his mouth travel down her abdomen. "For..." Derek's mouth kissed her navel. "Ev..." Derek's tongue began licking her clit gently. "Er!" She squealed loudly as she bucked her hips.

"I love the way you taste, Dr. Shepherd." Derek said as he licked his lips and looked up at her.

"And I love it when you taste me, Dr. Shepherd." She said with a grin.

Married. Sickness and in health. For richer or for poorer. For as long as they both shall live. They didn't need to worry about any of that. Because it was going to be perfect. They were together. There was no way it couldn't be.


	108. Addicts

Meredith rolled over in the bed and pulled the covers over her head. She had already hit the snooze button several times. She felt Derek warp his arms tighten around her as he moaned loudly. She was already pushing it to the limit. But she was tired. And she wanted to stay in their bubble. They wanted to stay in their happy bubble forever.

"Honey, we really do need to get up." Derek muttered as he pulled the blanket up and kissed her on the head.

"No. I want to stay here. With you." She said as she rolled over and buried her head in his chest.

"Well laying here doesn't pay the bills." Derek said frankly.

"Mmmm... No it doesn't." She said as she opened her eyes. "But I know of a way that we can make money and stay in bed." She said as she kissed his chest.

"I bet you do." Derek agreed with a chuckle.

"You really didn't deserve that make up sex last night." Meredith moaned as she rolled onto Derek, feeling his morning wood rub against her.

"Probably not." Derek agreed. "But I think I do deserve some morning sex."

"Do you..." Meredith asked as she pecked kisses on Derek's chest. "Do you really?" She asked again as she moved down.

"I do. I really do." Derek agreed with a groan and she ran her finger down his risen manhood.

"But we are already late." Meredith teased with a giggle.

"What's a few more minutes?" Derek asked with a smile as he rubbed her arm.

"So right. You are so right." Meredith muttered as she leaned over and grabbed a condom out of the bedside table. "We need this..." She told him as she disappeared under the covers.

"Oh..." Derek moaned as he felt her tongue run the length of his shaft.

"You like that, baby?" Meredith asked as she lapped his head.

"Oh god yes." Derek said loudly as her mouth wrapped around his long cock and sucked gently.

"Too bad. We don't have time." She told him as she withdrew him from her mouth and quickly rolled the condom on.

"You are evil." Derek muttered. He was still pleased that he was getting something. Even if it wasn't everything.

"I know. And I enjoy every minute of it." Meredith said with a grin.

"As do I." He agreed as he laid his head back and moaned as she pumped his cock several times.

Meredith took his cock in her hand as she rose up and sank down gently. Derek closed his eyes as she gently rocked her hips. He grabbed her hips as he felt his cock deep seated in her warm core. Meredith rolled her head back as she pumped herself harder and faster. They meshed so perfectly.

"Faster honey, we're late." Derek muttered as she began to rock harder on him.

"Oh... Derek... Oh god." She cried out and she bounced up and down on him, swinging her head around.

"Mer... Oh god, Mer..." Derek said loudly as he grasped her bare breasts and squeezed gently.

"Oh...Oh... Honey you are so big. You are such a big man." She praised as she felt his thick girth spreading her farther apart.

"Fuck, Mer... I'm ready." He said as he thrust into her with force, raising his ass off the bed.

"Oh god... Oh my- Oh... OH!" Meredith yelled loudly as her walls clamped down and Derek's cock began to spasm wildly.

"Mer... Of fuck, honey..." He said as he spilled himself. They both laid back and panted loudly. "Oh... Mer you are amazing." Derek said as he come back to reality and rubbed her side gently.

"No... You. You are." She told him as she dismounted and pulled the condom off. She gazed over at the clock on the table. "Shit! We're late!" She yelled as she jumped out of the bed. "Derek! How could you let us do that?" She asked as she began getting dressed. Derek sat there and laughed at her as she rushed around. "Why the fuck aren't you getting up?" Meredith yelled as she stood there, her hands on her hips.

"We're already late." Derek answered with a smirk.

"Oh! My interns... My shift started five minutes ago. Get your ass up!" She yelled as she grabbed his hand and pulled him up.

Meredith and Derek quickly got dressed and ready for work. Both decided against coffee, knowing they wouldn't have time to drink it. Derek grabbed the keys and Meredith grabbed her things and they rushed to the car. Meredith looked over at him and shook her head. She couldn't believe he was so relaxed and quiet. Like it was nothing. Like they had all day.

"What is wrong with you? You're all calm and relaxed!" Meredith said quickly. "We are late."

"Yes we are." Derek agreed. "But I had sex. Good morning sex. And I don't care what I am late for." He told her with a grin as they pulled into the parking spot.

"You are an addict." She spat as she jumped out of the car.

"I am not an addict." Derek argued as they walked into the hospital.

"Derek! I gave you sex last night. I gave you sex this morning. And I am fairly certain that you would accept sex at this moment..." She muttered as they stepped on the elevator.

"Are you offering?" Derek asked with a hopeful smile.

"No!" Meredith spat loudly as she looked over at the nurse in the corner.

"Please?" Derek asked, knowing the nurse was listening. "Honey you are so good."

"Derek!" Meredith spat as she hit him.

"Oh! Is this a fight?" He asked with a grin. "Can we make this a fight? Make up sex..." He whispered in her ear.

"Oh!! You have a problem, Derek Shepherd." She spat again.

"Did you ever think that you too may have the same problem?" He asked her softly.

"I do not have a problem with sex. I can go without sex. I don't need sex. Do you want me to prove it to you?" Meredith asked with a smirk.

"No! No... I believe you honey, I do." Derek said as he leaned over and kissed Meredith softly.

"Good. Because I don't. Do not. Not at all." She went on as she looked over at him.

"Okay, Mrs. Shepherd." Derek told her softly as he nestled his head into her hair. They both looked up when the doors opened. Meredith's interns were all standing there waiting.

"Shit!" Meredith spat as she walked off the elevator.

She had to go to human resources. She had to get her tag changed. She hadn't even figured out exactly what she was going to call herself yet. Shepherd. Grey. Grey-Shepherd. She should make Derek call himself Shepherd-Grey. Insinuating that she has a problem with sex. Yes, he should be emasculated.

"Um... Dr. Grey?" Dina Eastman said softly as she looked at her.

"What! I am late. I know that, okay. God." Meredith yelled loudly as she walked to the charts.

"Dr. Grey..." Justin Weathers said quickly.

"What?" Meredith said quickly.

"You um... Your hair." Justin said quickly as Dina motioned to her hair.

"Your hair is kind of... It's a mess." Dina said quickly.

"What?" Meredith asked as she ran to a mirror. She looked down the hallway at Derek. "Derek Michael!" She said quickly. "You let me-"

"I thought it looked kind of cute." Derek pointed out loudly.

"You are a... Ah!" She spat as she walked away.

"You still love me, Dr. Shepherd!" He said loudly.

Meredith felt her stomach drop. She hadn't told anyone. They hadn't told Mark or Kristy. Or Addison and John. They hadn't even discussed what they were going to do. This was something that needed to be thought out. They eloped. They had to be careful how they did this. They had made no game plan. And now, he had just spat it out in front of everyone.

"Dr.- You and Dr. Shepherd got married?" Dina asked excitedly.

"Um. Yeah. Yeah we did." Meredith said as she flipped a chart open.

"Congratulations." Danny and Justin said with a smiles.

"That's great!" Kent Mather said with a smile.

"Yes it is. And we have things- Things to do." Meredith pointed out as she looked around.

"Uh... Mather, it looks like Daniels has a case for you. And Eastman, you are with Shepherd. Weathers, you can go with Sloan and Carter go to the pit. Go! Go!" Meredith yelled as she waved him away.

Meredith yawned loudly as she walked towards the locker room. She was still holding her bag in her hand. She couldn't believe Derek spat that out like that. And this morning not telling her just how late they were. Not to mention the fact that it looked like an animal had nested in her hair. Yes, Derek Shepherd had been a bad boy. And he needed discipline. But he would enjoy that way too much.

Meredith combed through her hair as she looked in the mirror. It looked ridiculous. She looked like a complete idiot. No shower this morning, coupled with the hot sex that caused her head to sweat like she had sat in a sauna, really made her look a mess. She hated starting her day this way. She felt unnerved and disoriented. Like she had missed out on days.

Meredith made her way down to human resources and back. Dr. Meredith Grey-Shepherd. That was her. Meredith Grey-Shepherd. That was who she was always meant to be. And now she was. It just felt so surreal to her as she walked through Seattle Grace in a fog.

"You are in so much trouble!" Kristy yelled loudly as she walked down the hallway.

"Shit..." Meredith muttered as she turned around.

"You went and got freaking married! Without telling me! You didn't invite me!" Kristy spat as she walked up.

"I... Uh... Derek. It's all Derek's fault. His idea. He planned everything." Meredith told her with a big smile.

"Oh... He is in such big trouble!" Kristy said loudly. "When I see him..."

"You get him. He deserves it." Meredith said with a smile.

How would he like that? Ha. Now that was payback. He told his mom that is was all her. Well now she was sicking Kristy on him. A taste of his own medicine. She hoped it would be nice and sour. She hoped that it tasted like poison. He deserved someone to jump down his throat.

"I will. So how was it?" Kristy asked with a smile.

"It was great. Really... It was just perfect." Meredith told her with a smile. "We did it in Victoria. In the park. Just us." Meredith said softly.

"That was nice. You two deserved that." Kristy said as she hugged Meredith. "Congratulations."

"Thanks, Kris." Meredith said with a smile. "So you are next. You and Mark."

"Nope. Not us. Mark and I have an understanding." Kristy explained. "We are not getting married. Neither of us. Never again. I'm ready to enjoy my life."

"Never? Kris, you shouldn't let your marriage to Derek influence your future." Meredith told her sadly.

"Oh, honey. I don't. This is my future. And now I see it clearer. What I thought I wanted before, I just don't want that anymore." Kristy said happily. "I don't want kids. I don't want marriage. I just want to be free. Have a good time..."

"No kids. Ever?" Meredith asked in shock.

"Nope. No kids. Besides, you and Derek are going to give me so many nieces and nephews I won't need any of my own." Kristy said with a smile as she looked into Meredith's eyes.

"Derek and I with kids. That is scary." Meredith said with a giggle as she thought about it.

At this moment, she couldn't help but laugh. Derek was immature. It was like they were living out all of the time they had missed. It was like they were starting over, but they were more immature than ever. They were sex addicts. Yes, she could admit it. She had a problem. She was addicted to him and his boy penis. No. Not boy penis. Derek definitely had the penis of a man. A very big man. A very, very big big man. And that was the problem. The penis was good. Too good. And did she want help? Hell no.

**Okay, I realize the updates have been right on top of each other. But using the desktop to go on this site really sucks. But the good news it, I am getting a new laptop on Saturday!! So it will be a bit rocky until then...sorry!**


	109. Regret?

Meredith laid her head back in the seat of the cab. It was late. It was late enough that she could have very well stayed at the hospital. But she wanted to go home to Derek. She wanted to sleep with him even if it was just for a few hours. Meredith closed her eyes and felt her body relax as she drifted off to sleep.

"Miss... Miss?" The cab driver said loudly.

"Oh... Oh. Sorry." Meredith told him as she opened her eyes and looked around disoriented.

That was smart. She fell asleep in a cab. She didn't know that guy. For all she knew, he could have taken her off into the woods and chopped her into bits. That was what happened. After living the life of a surgeon she found that she fell asleep anytime, anywhere. And that could be dangerous.

"Thanks." Meredith said softly as she pulled a few bills out of her wallet and handed them to him.

"Thank you." He said with a smile as she opened the door and climbed out.

Meredith walked into her perfectly comfortable house. She loved her house. Derek picked the perfect place for them to settle down in. It was dark except for a few lights that Derek had left on for her. She kicked off her shoes by the door and placed her bag on the floor. She wanted nothing more that to climb into her warm bed. But she had been in surgery all day. She had been around seeping wounds and coughing kids. She needed to take a shower. Meredith crept into the master bathroom and flipped the light on. She saw Derek stir and roll over.

"Hey." Derek said softly as he looked up.

"Hey. I need to take a shower. I'll be out in a minute." Meredith explained as she looked over at him.

"Okay." He said with a yawn as he rolled away and closed his eyes.

The hot water never felt better as it rolled down her body. She was achy and feeling bad. But nothing compared to the pain that she had been feeling with her back. Every once in awhile, she would wake up in the middle of the night and swear she could feel it coming on. It was phantom pain. It was there, but it wasn't. And it was never far from her mind.

As he massaged the shampoo in her hair, she fought the overwhelming urge to lay down on the floor of the shower. To just sit down and close her eyes. As she picked up the razor, she decided against it. She was just too tired. She quickly climbed out of the shower and dried herself off. She threw on a pair of flannel pajamas. It was spring. She should be warm, but the lack of sleep had her feeling cold. The bed couldn't come quick enough as she made her way over and dove under the covers.

"I am mad at you." Derek said as he opened his blue eyes and looked into her green.

"Mmmm... Why?" Meredith asked as she outstretched her arms and pulled her body to his.

"You got your revenge. Kristy came to see me." He said quickly. "That was not nice."

"I'm not nice." She told him with a giggle.

"I know better than that." Derek said as he kissed her on the head. "Don't worry, I threw it back on you."

"You better not have." Meredith warned as she looked up at him.

"I did. I really did. And now she is going to get you ten times worse that she got me. For lying." Derek warned. "But I think you can take her."

"I'll just tell her you are a liar and you were afraid." Meredith told him with a shrug. "She likes me better anyway."

"Hmm... You are going to play that card, huh?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"Whatever works." Meredith told him as she buried her head into her side.

"I love you, Mer." He said as he kissed her neck. "So much." He repeated as he rolled her over.

"Not tonight." Meredith told him. "I'm tired. And I have cramps."

"Are you okay?" Derek asked with concern.

"I'm okay, Derek." She told him with a nod as she laid her head back against him and closed her eyes.

"Okay." Derek told her as he kissed her again and laid his head against hers, closing his eyes.

--------------

Meredith sat on the side of the bathtub and held her stomach. The cramps were killing her. She had cramps but no bleeding. She was worried. Really worried. She didn't tell Derek. Today was her day off. There sat the box on the sink. It was waiting. Waiting for her to open it. Waiting for answers. She gently rocked back and forth, waiting for the cramps to stop.

Meredith turned slightly and flipped the hot water on in the garden bathtub. She needed to try something. She needed to stop it. She didn't bother with candles or bubbles. She just needed relief. As the steam poured out of the bathtub, she continued to sit there. She sipped another glass of water, willing her bladder to fill. She needed answers.

They weren't ready. They were but they weren't. They decided to wait awhile. And now here she was. Unsure. She was unsure of what their future would hold. She was a week late. She was never late. Only when she was pregnant. She just wondered how. They had been so careful. They had been sure to use a condom. They didn't notice one break.

The reality of pregnancy brought back all the fears that she had buried so deep. What if she lost another baby? What if she was once again a disappointment to Derek. It wasn't so much losing the baby that hurt. It was the hurt that she saw on Derek's face. That's what hurt her the most.

She opened to box. She did the ritual of peeing on the stick. Meredith sat it on the bathroom counter and pulled her clothes off. As she sunk into the hot water, she started to feel better. She laid her head back and closed her eyes. The minutes ticked by. And they turned into an hour. The test had been long since ready. She had refilled the bathtub with hot water over and over, but she couldn't seem to pull herself out of the comfort that was taking care of her.

Meredith sighed. It was time. Time for the moment of truth. She pulled herself out of the water and wrapped herself in a thick Egyptian cotton towel. She made her way over to the sink and looked in the mirror. Her shaking slender finger grasped the stick and held it up. As she looked down, she didn't know whether to smile or frown.

Negative. She wasn't pregnant. Meredith let the breath that she had been holding in expel from her lungs. She looked back down at the test. Could it be wrong? Could it be lying? Tests don't lie. And she did it right. She looked back down at the stick and shoved it in the box. She jammed the used test into the bottom of the trash can and covered it up. She didn't want Derek to think about what he was missing. Or wasn't.

Meredith grabbed a heavy blanket and pillow and made her way to the sofa. She wanted to just hang out and rest. She sat her chamomile tea on the table after taking a soft sip. She flipped on the t.v. and laid her head back. Derek would be home soon.

"Hey..." Derek said softly as he ran her hand over her cheek.

"Mmm... Hey." Meredith answered as she looked up.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he leaned down and kissed her.

"Like crap." She admitted as she rubbed her stomach.

"Cramps?" Derek asked as he rubbed her shoulder softly.

"Yeah." She answered as she moved back so he could sit down. "I couldn't cook. And I didn't get anything."

"I'll run down and get some soup. How does that sound?" Derek asked as he kissed her again.

"Good." Meredith said with a nod as she looked up at him.

"I'll be back, you rest." He said with a nod as he stood up and grabbed his keys.

She wasn't right. Usually Lola came to town and made quite a ruckus. Not this time. Meredith was actually being human. No claws. No teeth. She was just tired and hurting. He felt bad for her. And then it hit him. Maybe it was the birth control. Maybe that was her problem. Maybe it was making her crazy all along. Either way, he was feeling bad. And not so beaten down.

Meredith was watching ER when Derek came back in. He didn't see how she could get into the show. It was not him. Maybe it was because he experienced it on a daily basis. He didn't have to watch it on t.v. Derek walked to the kitchen and made Meredith a big bowl of chicken noodle soup and crackers.

"Here you go." Derek said softly as he handed her the soup bowl on a saucer.

"Thank you." She said as she sat up and spooned the steaming soup.

"How is it?" Derek asked as he took a sip of his own.

"It's wonderful." She said with a happy nod. "It's great. Thank you, Derek."

"You don't have to thank me. I'm here to take care of you." He said as he rubbed her leg.

"You are too perfect. I mean it." She said with a nod as she glanced over.

"If you keep saying that, it will go to my head." Derek responded with a chuckle.

"Good." Meredith told him with a grin.

"So I was thinking... Maybe we should take that vacation soon." Meredith suggested.

"We just got married." Derek pointed out. "Bailey wouldn't be too happy."

"I don't mean tomorrow. I mean in a couple of months. I was reading about it today. The cabin has two bedrooms. Maybe we should have Mark and Kristy come along?" Meredith asked with a smile.

"That would be great. Mark likes to fish. And we would have Kristy there to cook." He pointed out.

"Derek!" Meredith spat loudly.

"Not nice?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"No! Maybe I could cook. Maybe I could." Meredith told him with a smile.

"I don't know how a week of hamburger casserole would go." Derek pointed out.

"Eh. I don't like you." Meredith said as she took her last sip of her soup.

"I'm teasing you, Meredith." Derek pointed out. "You know, I love you."

"I still don't like you." She said as she placed her bowl on the table.

"You do too." He said as he put her bowl next to hers.

"Don't." She said as she stuck out her bottom lip.

"You love me, babe. Face it." Derek told her as he pulled her back onto him as he laid on the sofa.

"Maybe." She replied with a giggle as she looked into his blue eyes. "Possibly."

"I think that would be great. Kristy, Mark, you and I. That would be perfect." He agreed.

"I thought so." Meredith told him with a knowing nod. "Maybe when it warms up a little more. We could all get some time off. Between the end of my residency and the beginning of my fellowship." She pointed out.

"I am so proud of you, Mer. I can't believe you are going to be a cardio fellow. You amaze me I am just so proud." Derek said as he kissed her softly.

"Do you ever regret it?" Meredith asked as she rested her chin on his chest.

"Regret what?" Derek asked as he looked into her eyes.

"Going into neuro. Do you ever wish you had stayed in cardio? I know you wanted to go into cardio. It was your dream." Meredith pointed out. "The only reason I made it so far was from all the times I quizzed you over and over again." She told him with a giggle.

"No. I don't. I really don't regret it. When I was young, I always thought I would be in cardio. But you changed me. When I saw you in that bed. You were so helpless. You were gone to everyone. But not to me. You were always in there. I could feel you. I could feel the life inside of you. And I couldn't give up. And that is why I did it. That's why I choose neuro. Because I wanted to be an advocate for those who couldn't communicate. I wanted to give hope. And I wanted to save people. I don't regret it. I never will." Derek said as he leaned up and kissed her gently.

"Thank you for never giving up. I could feel you. I laid there. It's hard to explain it. It was like I was awake, but I couldn't communicate. I could hear you. I could feel you. But I couldn't let you know. I was out a lot. But when I wasn't, you were there. I'm so glad you didn't give up, Derek. And that is why I love you." She said as she laid her head to the side and listened to his heartbeat.


	110. Unstoppable

Derek sat back on a chair in the corner of their bedroom. Meredith was standing in their closet going through dresses. He was already in his suit and tie, and she was still looking. It was typical. Typical of a woman. He couldn't help but smile at her. She had always been comfortable in her own skin. She was always comfortable around him. He could see the tiny scars that mapped out her body. So many procedures, so many remembrances left behind.

They were meeting his friends for dinner. Meredith was meeting Collin, a fellow neurosurgeon and and his wife from Chicago. He and Derek went to med school together. And then their was Jake, a fellow neurosurgeon from Seattle that was in a private practice with a group of neurologists. He hadn't seen Jake in a long time, and Collin it had been even longer. He wanted to go. But the closer it got, the more he just wanted to stay home with his wife.

"What do you think of this one?" Meredith asked as she held up a deep purple knee length dress up.

"I like that one." Derek agreed with a smile and a nod.

"Better than the black one?" She asked as she held them side by side.

"Yes, much better." Derek told her with a nod.

"I like the black one." Meredith mumbled as she held it up again. "It looks better."

"No it doesn't. The purple is nice. Black is too dark." Derek told her as he grabbed his magazine off of the table and started flipping through.

"Okay." Meredith agreed as she pulled it on and looked at herself. "I guess you are right." She agreed.

"If you don't want to go, Mer... We don't have to." Derek pointed out as he looked over at her.

"No, Der. It's fine. These are your friends. You should see them." She agreed with a nod. Meredith parted her hair to the side, and swept it up. "Are you ready?"

"You look amazing." Derek told her as he walked over and kissed her softly. "And yes, I am ready."

Meredith was quiet as they drove along in the car. It had been a few weeks. A few weeks since their amazing wedding in Victoria. The pictures had long since come back. Everyone knew. Everyone was more than happy for them. And it still felt the same. They still felt like newlyweds. Meredith never wanted the bliss she was feeling to end. She felt Derek's hand rest on her leg and rub it softly.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek asked as he glanced over.

"Nothing really." Meredith explained.

"Are you sure?" Derek asked as he continued to study her.

"I am sure." Meredith agreed as they pulled up in front of the restaurant.

"I'd rather be home too." Derek agreed as he put the car in park. "I think we are turning into an old married couple."

"I never thought I would say this, but I don't really think I care if we do." Meredith told him frankly.

"Me either." Derek said with a chuckle. "As long as there is sex."

"Addict." She said as she opened her door.

"You bet." Derek said with a smile as he opened his door too.

Derek held her hand as they walked up to the restaurant. There was no one's hand he'd rather be holding than hers. They walked into the dimly lit restaurant and Derek looked around. He spotted Collin and Jake at a table off to the side. He nodded to the hostess and motioned to the table.

"Derek." Collin said with a smile. "Good to see you."

Derek." Jake said as he stood up. Jake looked at Meredith with a puzzled look, wondering just who she was.

"Good to see you both again. "Collin, Jake this is my wife, Meredith." He said with a smile as he motioned to her. "Meredith, this is Collin and Jake. And-" He paused as he looked at their significant others.

"Oh, is my wife, Gwen." Collin explained as he pointed to her.

"And this is my girlfriend Kelly." Jake said with a smile.

"Nice to meet you." They all said with a smiles as they took their places at the table.

"So... Married." Collin said with a chuckle. "I honestly thought that would never happen." He said with a chuckle as he looked up. "He didn't date in Med school. Not once. He was hung up on this girl." Collin explained to the table.

"That's true. But where have you been? This is his second marriage." Jake pointed out frankly.

"You know, I am here, guys." Derek said with a chuckle. "But yes, it's true." He said to Meredith. "I was hung up on a girl. I was madly in love with her. I couldn't get over it. I couldn't see myself with anyone else." He said with a smile.

"Is that so..." Meredith asked with a smile.

"It is." Derek returned with a knowing smile.

"It is true. He had it bad. He was devastated." Jake chuckled with a smile. "I don't know what that girl did to him. But she got him good. "

"She died." Derek said with a laugh. Meredith looked over at him and smiled. They all looked at him like he was insane. "But then she came back to life, and stole my heart again." He told them all as he looked around the table. "Love you, Mer." He said softly into her ear.

"You're the heartbreaker?" Collin asked with a smile.

"It appears I am." Meredith said with a giggle as Derek grabbed her hand.

"So you literally died?" Kelly asked in shock.

"Well, almost. Derek thought I did." Meredith explained. "But here I am."

"That's amazing." Gwen said with a smile. "Wow."

"So you and Kristy?" Jake said with a confused look.

"We got a divorce. It was mutual. We're all friends, actually." Derek pointed out.

"That's good. I mean, you and Kristy... I have to be honest, you both looked miserable." Jake pointed out.

"Well, that's the past. Meredith is my past, present and future." He told her as he pecked a soft kiss on her cheek. "What is new with you guys?" He asked as he looked around the table.

Meredith looked at Derek with love in her eyes. He amazed her. At every moment, he amazed her. He wasn't shy. He didn't mince words. He wasn't embarrassed to tell anyone how much he loved her. And he never tried to hide it. She knew as she felt him grab her hand under the table that there would never be anyone else. And there never had been.

--------------

It made Meredith happy to see Derek with his friends. These were people that weren't around when she was. It made her sad to know that he wasn't happy. But in a way it was comforting that he didn't forget her. Not that there really was any question that he had. She knew that she didn't forget him. And she wished she could go back. All those years of hating him, for nothing. He had done nothing wrong.

"So how horrible was it?" Derek asked as they drove along in the car.

"It was nice, Derek. I like to see you with your friends." She said with a smile. "Dinner was good."

"It was." Derek agreed quickly. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel great. Really great." She told him as she glanced over. "And you- Wait... I know how you feel." Meredith said with a giggle.

"And how would that be?" Derek asked with a raised brow.

"Horny. But I think that is an answer that will always fit just fine." Meredith told him with a giggle.

"You may have a point there. But how could I not be when I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world?" He asked with a smirk.

"True, so true." She responded with a giggle.

"It is true. You are walking sex." He said with a smile as he ran his hand up her thigh.

"Oh, so when you see me, you see a big vagina walking around?" She asked as she looked over at him.

"Well, no... But I see something I like. Something I like a lot." He told her frankly as he pulled the car into the driveway.

"You know, if you keep talking like that, you just might get some." She told him with a giggle.

"That's what I was hoping for." He told her as he shut the car off and shut the garage door.

"Oh... You can have me..." She muttered as she opened the door. "But only if you can catch me." She shouted as she slammed the door and ran off.

Derek quickly jumped out of the car. He ran through the open door and into the house. Meredith was giggling loudly as she ran. Her feet were sliding on the floors as she ran around the kitchen table. Derek put his hand on one side and she put her on the other as she looked into his needy eyes.

"You are a cruel woman, Meredith." He said as he drew in a breath. Her face dropped as she looked over.

"Oh my god, what is that?" She asked as she pointed to nothing outside of the window.

"What?" Derek asked as he looked with concern.

Meredith took off running and laughing. Derek shook his head as he chased after her. The need was only growing. His cock was begging to be inside of her. It throbbed as he thought about her hot core wrapped around him. As he chased after her, he began tripping over the trail of clothing she was leaving. He began frantically removing his clothing as he stalked after her. He chased her around the corner and grabbed her naked body, tackling her to the floor.

"Ah..." Meredith said loudly as he laid over her. She could feel his hard cock pressing against her. Her bare ass was smashed against the hard wood floor.

"That was not a nice trick." He said as he rubbed the head of his cock against her.

"Oh..." She gasped as she felt him rub her clit. "Shit..."

"You are quite a little trouble maker!" He told her as he traced his tongue over her body. In one motion, he thrust two fingers into her. "You are awfully wet baby..." He chuckled.

"Oh god!" She moaned as he fingered her clit quickly. "Shit... Oh god...Oh!"

"You like that... Don't you?" Derek asked as he pushed her harder and farther.

"Oh...Oh...Oh god!" She cried as she began to shake.

"Yep. You want it. You want it bad." Derek laughed as he stuck his cum soaked fingers in his motion and enjoyed her taste.

"Oh..." She moaned as she laid her head back.

"I want to fuck you." He said as he stuck his tongue in her mouth. She moaned as he ran his cock along her wet slit.

"Con- Condom!" She yelped loudly as she pulled away.

"Fuck." Derek said quickly. "Okay..." He said as he crawled to his feet. In cone motion, he swooped her up and carried her up the stairs. He slowly and gently laid her down on their bed.

Meredith sat up and smiled as she watched Derek grab a condom out of the bedside table. Meredith grabbed it from his hand and ripped it open. He watched as her petite fingers rolled the condom over the head of his penis, smoothing it out to the base.

"Please, Derek." She moaned as she gripped his side and pulled him down onto her. He ran his hand over her face and looked at her.

"How can I not?" Derek asked with as smile as he pushed her knees up.

"Oh..." She muttered as she spread her legs. Derek slowly thrust himself into her.

"Oh god..." She moaned as he felt his full length of cock slide into her. Her walls spread to allow his size entrance. "You're so big... It's...You're... Oh!"

Derek continued to pump into her slowly. Each thrust was a mixture of pleasure and perfection. It was purposeful. He knew just how to work her to get the most. Meredith smiled as she felt the amazing physical and emotional feelings that was rushing over her.

"Fuck." He grunted as the thrust into her. "You're so fucking tight tonight." He groaned as he pushed and pulled. He slowly slide his tongue in her mouth.

"Oh god!" She shouted as the head of his cock delve deeper. Derek continued to fuck her mouth with his tongue. Meredith threw her hips against him as she rode his rock hard cock. She yelped into his mouth as her body began contracting. Hot cum poured onto his hard cock as he continued to pound her over and over. He slide harder and faster with the reduction in friction.

"Oh fuck!" Derek yelled as he felt himself near the edge.

Derek tensed body as he pumped his hard cock over and over until his balls exploded. Meredith bit down on his shoulder as she yelped, leaving teeth marks in him. She spilled her hot cum again. In a last stitch effort, Derek pounded again. His tongue fucked and licked her as her walls clamped down around his cock. He pounded into her creamy white pussy without a pause. Her body shook at the pounding force he had laid upon her. Meredith's breasts bounced and rubbed against his chest as her head tossed. She whimpered as he pushed her once again to her ultimate pleasure. She shook as her body continued to spasm over and over again. Derek groaned as he quit pumping and collapsed on top of her.

"Fuck... That was-" He started and stopped, catching his breath.

"You are... Oh god...thank you. That was the amazing." Meredith said breathlessly.

"Yeah, it was." Derek agreed as he rolled off of her and pulled her onto of him. "We are amazing. Together... We are unstoppable." He told her as he kissed her forehead and smiled.


	111. Trouble is Red

Meredith stirred the pot on the stove. She couldn't cook. She knew she couldn't. Derek knew she couldn't. But she tried. It was supposed to be gravy. It didn't even look anywhere close to gravy. It looked more like slop than anything else. She shrugged and kept stirring. She listened to Linda talk on the phone.

"I don't know... It doesn't look edible, mom." Meredith said frankly as she poured it out of the spoon.

"Oh honey, I'm sure it is just fine. You did everything I said, right?" Linda asked quickly.

"I did. But that doesn't always seem to matter. I can ruin any meal." Meredith pointed out with a huff. "I just hope the meat is okay."

"Honey, you know Derek would eat anything you give him. You'll get better. Don't worry. You will get better with time. I was the worst cook in the world. I couldn't cook a thing." Linda said quickly. "I'm not kidding."

"Well, that makes me feel a little better. But I have to admit, I don't have much faith in myself." She said with a sigh. "And neither does Derek."

"Oh... He does." Linda said with a chuckle.

"It sure doesn't seem like it. He is always teasing me. And now, he tries to be nice, but its just condescending. He was lucky with Kristy. At least she could cook for him." Meredith muttered.

"Oh... Cooking is the least important thing to Derek. He's happy with you. And that is all that matters!" Linda said quickly. "Oh! I got the wedding pictures today. They were the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. You were so beautiful."

"Thank you. You're not mad that you weren't there?" Meredith asked quickly.

"Not mad. A little disappointed. But it suited you both. And that is all that matters. I have pictures. That's better than nothing." Linda said with a smile. Meredith pulled her gravy off of the heat and shook her head. "How's your back?"

"It's good. It's great. It's amazing to me. All those years of pain, and now it's just gone." Meredith explained. "Sometimes I wake up, feeling the pain. It's not there. It was with me so long, my brain forgets that it's gone."

"Are you sure it's really gone? Maybe you should have it checked out. I should hope that you have learned by now that living with pain is unnecessary and foolish." Linda told her.

"I got an x-ray and a CT done a couple of weeks ago. It's all looking good. It's just phantom pain." Meredith explained. "So... When are you going to come see the house?"

"Oh... I want to. Probably some time next month. There has been so much going on lately. I've been busy with the church. And then I was helping out at the senior center. But I like to keep busy. I feel better doing things than I do sitting around the house." Linda pointed out.

"Well, you are more than welcome to come whenever you want." Meredith said with a nod. "And I have got to finish this dinner."

"Okay, dear. It was nice talking to you." Linda said softly.

"You too, mom." Meredith said quickly as she hung up.

Meredith drew in a deep breath and pulled her roast beef out of the oven. She lifted the top and took a look. It didn't look bad. It wasn't dry. It wasn't raw. Maybe she had actually made a decent meal. Just as she began to pull out the plates from the cupboards, she heard the doorbell ring.

Meredith rushed across the beige carpeting and into the hallway. Her eyes got wide when she saw red hair through the glass. She forgot. With everything that had been going on, she had forgotten to tell Addison. She felt her stomach knot up as she put her hand on the door handle.

"You shit!" Addison said loudly as she walked in.

"I'm so sorry, Addie. Things have been so busy. I haven't had time to even think. And when I saw you... I realized that I forgot. I'm so sorry." Meredith repeated as she shut the door behind her.

"Okay. The house is gorgeous. Albeit it, I had a hard time finding it. Seeing as I thought you were still living in the apartment." Addison said as she shook her head. "But it's nice. Very you and Derek. And your back. How is it? Because apparently, you fell down the stairs. And did anyone call your oldest friend to let me know? Of course not. And then there is this whole marriage thing. You ran off and got married without telling me! Without inviting me! I'm hurt, Mer. I really am." Addison said sadly as she sat down on the stool at the kitchen counter.

"I really am sorry. There has been so much going on. But yes, we did get married. Completely my idea. I will admit it. But only to you. Everyone else thinks it was Derek. He need to get the brunt once in awhile. We went to Canada. Victoria. It was in the park. It was perfect, Addie. Completely perfect. And no one knew. Just him and I." Meredith said as she grabbed a few of their photos.

"Oh, honey... You looked beautiful." Addison said with a warm smile as she looked down at the photographs.

"And the house... That was Derek. He surprised me with it. Right before the accident. It's perfect. I love it. I was so close to not getting it. Of course, I was in the height of my pain when he brought me to look at it. I told him I didn't want it. I'm so glad he didn't take it to heart." Meredith said as she looked around.

"It is perfect. I love the decor. It's just gorgeous." Addison agreed with a nod. "How's your back?"

"It's good. It feels so much better." Meredith told her with a nod as she got her a glass of water. "The surgery... It saved my life."

"Honey... You were really suffering, weren't you?" Addison asked with concern.

"I was. I was afraid. I didn't want to know what was wrong. But now, I feel so stupid. I suffered all that time for nothing." Meredith said with a smile.

"Well, I am really happy for you. Even if I have unrelenting rage because you kept me in the dark!" Addison told her frankly.

"I won't do that again. We just need to get in a groove. And I think we are just about there." Meredith pointed out as she sipped her water.

"And you cooked." Addison pointed out as she looked around.

"I did. I would ask you to stay, but I think I will spare you the misery!" Meredith said with a giggle.

"Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad. But luckily John and I are meeting each other for dinner." Addison said with a smile.

"Bitch." Meredith spat jokingly.

"You know it." Addison agreed with a smile.

Meredith felt so bad as she looked at her friend. It was hard keeping in touch. Addison was on the other side of town. She worked at Seattle Presbyterian. And Kristy was always around. Meredith and Kristy had grown closer than Meredith and Addison were anymore. But that didn't mean that Meredith didn't want to try.

"I'm home... And it smells like you cooked. Something edible, maybe?" Derek joked as he walked in.

"Ass!" Addison spat as she smacked his arm.

"Hey! What's that for?" Derek asked as he jerked away.

"For saying that! And for not keeping me in the loop. You know how much I love hearing about my friends through the hospital gossip mill." Addison said with a frown. "She fell down the stairs... Why didn't you call?"

"Addie, I didn't call anyone. I was so worried, I couldn't even think straight." Derek said frankly. "All I could think about was Ellis."

"Ellis?" Addison asked quickly.

"Well, up until a week ago, she was still Mer's medical proxy. Mer was out for awhile. And all I could think was how Ellis was in charge. And what happened last time she was." Derek said sadly. "I couldn't call anyone."

"Wow. I guess that would be a major concern." Addison said with a nod.

"So how has it been, working for rotten bitch from hell?" Meredith asked as she started putting their dinner on plates.

"She's Ellis Grey. We all suffer." Addison said with a frown. "But she did raise my salary, so I can't complain."

"She'll do whatever she has to do to keep the best. She knows what she is doing." Meredith told her with a nod. "Too bad Bailey can't offer you more."

"It's never come up." Addison said with a shrug. "I like Seattle Pres. It's a nice hospital."

"Well, as long as you are happy." Meredith said with a nod.

"Oh! Shoot. I'm going to be late." Addison said as she grabbed her purse and stood up.

"She's going out for dinner." Meredith explained as Derek looked at her in confusion.

"Take me with you. Please?" Derek begged jokingly as he walked behind Addison.

"Not on your life. You deserve what's coming to you for keeping me in the dark!" She joked as she spun around. "But seriously, I am happy for you both." She told them as she pulled them each into an embrace. "Enjoy your dinner."

"Funny." Derek muttered as he shut her out of the house.

------------------

Meredith stood at the operating table. Her patient had already coded twice and it wasn't looking good. She drew in a deep breath, and once again tried to make the stitch. It was just too weak. She couldn't do it. A last resort. They told her when they did the scans she wouldn't make it. But she was determined to do it. She had to.

"Dr. Grey-Shepherd... I think-" Dina said quickly as she looked up.

"We are not giving up!" Meredith spat loudly as she worked. "Suction. I need more suction!" She yelled as she placed her hands back inside.

"What can I do... What can I do to help?" Dina said quickly as she watched Meredith work frantically.

"Hold the clamp." Meredith said as she handed it to her. "Suction, please." Meredith muttered as she tried again. "It's so close." Meredith muttered as she made several stitches. "Okay, release the clamp." Meredith told them. "Fuck!" She yelled as it blew again.

"She's losing too much blood." A nurse said quickly.

"Hang another bag." Meredith spat as she glanced up. Everyone shook their heads, knowing what the outcome would be. "Okay... I think I have it this time. Come on, you can do it." She said as she looked at her patient. "Come on..."

"I think you got it." Dina said in shock as they suctioned it. "You did. You got it! Oh my god."

"This is exactly why we do not give up." Meredith said with a nod. "Never give up on your patient."

"Wow, Dr. Grey-Shepherd, that was amazing!" One of the nurses said quickly.

"It was." Meredith agreed with a smile. "Would you like to close, Dr. Eastman?"

"Of course." Dina said with a smile as she looked up.

Meredith was high. It was a surgery high. Everyone said she couldn't do it. And she did. They said the patient was a lost cause. And she saved it. She felt great as she ripped her scrub cap and gloves off and marched out of the scrub room. She felt her stomach growl and looked at her watch.

Meredith smiled when she saw Derek, Mark and Kristy sitting at a table together. She quickly went through the lunch line, grabbing a turkey sandwich and a bag of chips. She couldn't get the smile off of her face as she walked up to the table and looked at them all.

"You look happy." Derek said with a smile as he looked up at her.

"I am." Meredith agreed as she leaned in and kissed him. "I saved her."

"The goner?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"Yes, Derek. The goner." She said with a irritation. "And she is not so much a goner anymore. In fact, she is very much amongst the living." She said with a smirk.

"I'm proud, Mer. Wow." Derek said with wide-eyes. "That's really great."

"Yes it is. Everyone said to give up and I did not." Meredith told them all with a nod.

"Great job, Mer." Mark said with a nod. "It feels great when it all goes right." He told her.

"It does." Meredith agreed. "So.. Did Derek talk to you?"

"About going to the cabin?" Mark asked as he looked up from his roast beef.

"Yeah." Meredith said with a nod.

"He did. And we would love to go." Kristy said with a big smile. "It will be so much fun. I have some time off. And Mark, well when does he work anyhow?" She joked.

"Funny." Mark said with a head shake. "It sounds like a good time. I think we all need to get out of this city." They all agreed with nods. "Besides, someone is going to have to cook for Derek." Mark said with a chuckle.

"Hey! Be nice." Kristy warned with a glare. "Meredith is learning."

"I am. I made a roast yesterday. And it was good!" She said as she took a bite of her sandwich. Derek leaned back and shook his head no. "Hey!" She said, catching sight.

"It was wonderful, Mer. The gravy was just a little chunky. Better than last time, though." Derek said with a smile.

"My gravy is not chunky." Meredith said with a sigh. "She looked down at her pager. Shit... It's the pit." She said as she stood up. Derek's went off too.

"Well this isn't good." Derek said as they rushed off.

"Are you really sure you want to go, Kris?" Mark asked with raised brows.

"Of course. Mark, how many times have I told you-" Kristy started loudly.

"You don't care about their relationship... As long as they are happy... You are happier than you ever have been. Yeah, I know. That's not what I am talking about." Mark said with a laugh. "I mean the lack of sleep you are going to incur."

"Why? Why would I miss sleep?" She asked with confusion.

"Well, it's a two bedroom cabin. And Meredith and Derek, they don't stop. They're like rabbits. All night long." Mark said frankly. Kristy rolled her eyes. "I'm not kidding! All night long. They go on two or three hours of sleep. And Mer is a screamer. And Derek does this grunting moaning thing. Makes me sick. But anyway... I'm not kidding here. You will not sleep." Mark warned.

"It can't be that bad." Kristy said with a giggle. She had no idea.

**Oh, Kristy, it can and is that bad!**


	112. Next Step

Derek looked over at his sleeping wife. He couldn't believe that she was his wife. He always knew she would be, but it was still amazing to him. She moaned softly as she rolled over. He loved to watch her sleep. He loved to watch her, period. He loved to see her alive. Her soft pink flesh. Not her bruised flesh. Not the flesh of an accident victim. Not the pale flesh of someone who was in constant pain. It was the healthy flesh of a beautiful, content woman.

He couldn't wake her. They had a couple of hours before Mark and Kristy were due to come over. They were all going to drive together to the cabin that Meredith had rented for Derek. Derek ran his hand over her soft cheek and climbed out of their bed. He had to let her sleep.

Meredith woke up to the smell of breakfast cooking. She laid there with a faint smile on her lips. Derek was cooking. That was one of the many reasons she kept him around. She decided to lay there for awhile with her eyes closed. This was one of her favorite moments. When she could lay there, knowing she didn't have to get up.

"Hello, my love." Derek said with a smile as he walked in with a tray full of food.

"Good morning, my dear husband." Meredith said softly as she pulled herself into a sitting position. "You went all out." She replied with a grin as he sat the tray on her lap.

"Of course I did." He said with a grin as he climbed into their bed, fully dressed.

"You are too perfect." She agreed as she took a piece of bacon in her hand and took a bite off of it.

"Quite possibly." Derek agreed as he took a bite of the bacon she was holding out for him.

"I should have gotten up earlier... I woke up at four-thirty. My body is programmed for that hour, I guess." She said with a nod. "But it felt too good to sleep in."

"You will be getting a whole lot of that." Derek told her with a nod.

"That I will." Meredith agreed as she took a bite of her hash browns. "Mmmm... So good. Thank you."

"Not a problem." Derek said as he kissed her on the cheek.

"What time did you get up?" Meredith asked as she forked her egg.

"Oh... About an hour and a half ago." Derek explained as he took the bite of egg she was offering.

"You took a shower without me!" Meredith pouted as she tugged on his clean shirt.

"I did." Derek agreed sadly. "But I could take another." Derek told her with a shrug.

"No... You need to pack. I hate packing." Meredith told him.

"I know you do." Derek said with a chuckle.

"We need bed linens." Meredith told him frankly.

"What? Why would we need to take our own?" Derek asked with confusion.

"Because this cabin may not be what we expect. And I would hate to sleep in a nasty bed." Meredith told him quickly.

"Mer... If they are renting out cabins, I am sure it will be all ready for us." Derek pointed out.

"It's not a normal cabin, Derek. It's someone's cabin. It's not along with a bunch of other ones. It's out in the middle of nowhere. I saw pictures. Online." She said with a wince.

"Oh my god! What if it is a shack?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"I hope not. They said it was two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen and a living room. Oh, and there is a washer and dryer." She said with a nod.

"These bathrooms, are they in the cabin?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"Uh... I never thought to ask. Two bathrooms... They should be, right?" Meredith asked with a frown.

"Oh, Mer... A cabin. In Canada. In the middle of nowhere. Mer, they could very well be outhouses." He said frankly.

"No! Oh my god! What if they are? What if- I can't- Oh, Derek..." She pouted as she looked up at him.

"Mer, I'm sure it will be great." Derek reassured her as he kissed her on the cheek. "And even if it is a shack, it will be great."

"If there is no bathroom, we can't stay. You can fish, but then we are going home. Maybe I should tell Mark and Kristy. Maybe I should warn them..." Meredith said quickly as she reached for the phone.

"Mer... It will be fine. Don't worry about it." He said as he sat the phone down.

"What if-" Meredith started. Derek quickly covered her mouth with his. Meredith let out a sigh as she felt his tongue slide into her mouth. She let her tongue play with his as she let herself succumb to his touch. "It will be fine." She said with a smile as she pulled away.

---------------

Meredith couldn't stop the butterflies in her stomach. Derek had her terrified. What if it really was some falling down shack? Maybe she had been more than foolish to agree to rent a cabin off an on-line listing. But the site was reputable. The pictures made it look amazing, but if they pulled up and it wasn't, she was going to be broken hearted.

"How cold is it going to be there?" Meredith asked as she looked at her open drawers.

"For you, cold. You are always cold." Derek pointed out.

Ever since he had known Meredith, she was always cold. From day one. He will never forget the first night they were together. They barely knew each other, and somehow, she ended up clung tightly to him. At night, she was like sleeping with an icicle until she absorbed his body heat. It seemed like she grew even colder with stress.

"You're right." Meredith agreed as she pulled out her ample supply of thermals and sweatpants. "I am always cold. Did you pack you fishing things?"

"Well considering this is a fishing trip, yes I did." He said with a chuckle.

"You look so sexy in your waders." Meredith said with a giggle. "Hmm..." She said as she drifted off. All she could think about was Derek standing in their bedroom, with nothing on but a pair of waders.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek asked with a chuckle as he looked up at her.

"Hmm? Oh... Nothing. Nothing at all." She said with a grin as she rolled up her jeans. "What time are Mark and Kristy supposed to be here?" Meredith asked as she zipped her bag.

"Oh.. Sometime. Awhile." Derek said with a shrug as he looked at the clock. "Why?" Derek asked with a grin.

"Go put our things in the car." Meredith muttered as she rolled her eyes and tossed the bag at him.

"Who do you think I am?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"Okay then..." Meredith said with a chuckle as she grabbed the bag and threw it over her shoulder.

"Whoa... You are not carrying those!" Derek warned as she grabbed another bag.

"Okay then, help!" She demanded as she threw a bag at him.

Derek's eyes couldn't hep but follow Meredith's ass as she walked down the stairs. He could feel his cock begin to twitch. His eyes travelled to the clock in the hallway. They had a half an hour before Mark and Kristy were supposed to be there. And that was long enough. It had to be. He smiled as she threw the last bag in and looked up.

"Derek..." She said as she shook her head.

"What?" Derek asked as his face softened and a grin formed.

"You have a dirty smile on your face!" She said as she rolled her eyes.

"Only because you are so dirty." He said as he leaned in and kissed her neck.

"We don't have time." She said with a sigh.

"We have plenty of time." Derek muttered as he sucked on her chest. "Please?" He pouted."

"Fine." She grumbled. She would never admit that she wanted it just as bad as he did. "Quick."

"Oh... I can do quick. Or slow. I can do slow..." He moaned as he lifted her shirt.

"You are not having sex with me against my car!" Meredith said in shock as she looked up at him.

"Mmmm... Who said I was doing that?" He asked as he threw her over his shoulder and carried her to the sofa.

Their clothes were quickly peeled off and tossed to the side. Meredith sat on the sofa and rolled a condom on his thick cock. Derek's eyes melted into hers as she pulled him down on the sofa with her. Their bodies collided as Derek's tongue entered her mouth, rubbing and tasting. Meredith ran her knee up his leg, their flesh sliding smoothly. She grazed his cock as she licked his chest. Derek sucked her neck softly as she ran her hands over his back.

"Please Der..." She moaned as she ran his hand over his cock.

"You want it?" Derek asked as he thrust he penis into her clit, causing her to moan loudly. She quickly wrapped her legs around his waist as he slide into her with force.

"Oh... God... Derek" She moaned loudly. Her body was on high alert. She had spent all night dreaming about him. The reality was so much better. She closed her eyes as she felt his length push and pull inside of her. "Harder, Der. Harder!" She shouted as he picked up his pace and pounded into her. "No time..."

"Oh...God...Mer..." He shouted as he felt her walls begin to tighten around him. "Come for me... Come for me, baby..." He moaned as he slid in and out.

"Oh...I'm...I'm coming!" She shouted as she released her hot fluid around his thrusting penis. He slid harder and faster as he teetered on the edge. Derek felt her walls pulsate around him. Her heated core tensed up.

"Fuck..." He moaned as he shot his hot cum inside the condom. Meredith moaned as his twitching penis threw her over the edge again. She clawed at his back as she cried out. She went limp as she lost all muscle function. Derek closed his eyes and attempted to come down from his high.

"Oh god that was great." Meredith moaned as she laid her head back.

"Yeah..." Derek agreed as he laid on her.

"What time are they supposed to be here?" Meredith asked as she kissed his shoulder.

"Shit!" Derek said as he looked up. "I think they are."

"What!" Meredith yelled as she looked up. She saw there car coming to a stop in the driveway. "Damn you!" She spat as she jumped up and pulled her clothes on.

"I'm sorry... I-" Derek said with a chuckle as he pulled the condom off and began to dress.

"You knew... You ass!" Meredith spat as she looked up.

"I was horny." Derek muttered with a shrug as he buckled his belt.

"Throw that away!" She said as she looked at the condom.

"Yes, dear." Derek said with a smile as he walked into the bathroom. "Hey Mer..." Derek yelled quickly.

"What?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"There is something I need to tell you." He told her frankly.

"Kristy and Mark-" Meredith started as she looked at the door.

"Can wait." He said as he walked up to her. "I want to make this a working vacation." He told her as he looked into her eyes.

"Okay... You're a surgeon. Are we going to do radical surgeries on wild animals?" Meredith asked with a giggle.

"I'm ready." Derek said as the doorbell rang. "To try. I want to make a baby with you."

"Really?" She asked with a big smile and wide eyes.

"I'm ready, baby. It's time." He said as he pulled her close. "Are you ready?"

"So ready." Meredith agreed with a smile as she laid her head against his chest and he kissed her head.

Meredith was on cloud nine as she walked to the door. Derek was ready. She was ready. They were ready to make a baby. And this vacation was the perfect time to do it. She sighed as she opened the door with a smile. Nothing could bring her down from the way she was feeling.

"Hey." Meredith said with a gigantic smile.

"Hello..." They both said with a smile as they looked at her.

"You look happy." Mark said with a puzzled look.

"I am." Meredith said frankly. "I am..." She muttered as she waved them in. "So, are you guys ready for this big trip?" Meredith asked as she looked up at them both.

"We really need this." Kristy said with a sigh.

"You are not kidding." Meredith agreed. "I have been counting down for weeks."

"I know. I am just so exhausted." Kristy admitted.

"I think we all are. The hospital has a way of doing that." Mark said with a chuckle.

"No kidding." Derek agreed. "I told them, any problems, you call Mercy or Seattle Presbyterian. I do not want to get a page."

"Yes. We need a quiet, relaxing vacation." Meredith said with a smile. "And we are all loaded up. So I will open the garage, and you guys can throw your bags in the Jeep."

"Sounds good." Mark agreed as he followed them to the garage.

"Did you shut everything off?" Meredith asked as she looked around.

"I did." Derek told her quickly.

"Go check." She told him as she pointed into the house. "And don't forget the alarm."

"Yes, dear." Derek muttered with a smile as he walked away.

"You love to do that to him, don't you?" Mark asked as he looked at Meredith.

"I do." Meredith admitted with a giggle.

Before they knew it, everything was loaded up into the Jeep. The whole back of the car was stuffed full of their luggage and supplies. They weren't going to buy any groceries until they got to the town close to the cabin. Everyone was quiet as Derek drove along. Mark was in the front passenger seat, and Kristy was seated behind him. Derek continued to look back at Meredith in the rearview mirror and they shared a look.

"Okay..." Kristy said as she looked at him. "What is going on?"

"Nothing..." Derek returned with a smirk.

"Why would you think something is going on?" Meredith asked quickly.

"You two are sharing a look." Mark muttered as he looked over.

"A look?" Derek asked with a smirk.

"Yes. A look. We see it. So what is going on?" Kristy asked as she looked at the two of them. "Come on... We are your best friends."

Meredith and Derek drew in sighs as they looked at each other in the mirror. Meredith gave a smirk and a nod, and Derek concurred. She drew in a deep breath and looked over at her friends.

"Derek and I are going to start trying. Trying for a baby." Meredith said with a big smile.

"That's great!" Kristy said in her typical bubbly manner. "That's wonderful!"

"Uh huh." Mark muttered as he looked over at Kristy.

"What's that?" Derek asked as he looked at them. "You had a look."

"It's going to be worse than I thought, Kris." Mark said a chuckle.

"Oh Mark!" She said as she shook her head.

"What's that mean?" Meredith asked quickly.

"Nothing." They said simultaneously.

Meredith and Derek just shook their heads. They didn't care. They were on top of the world. Next step... Baby.


	113. Settling in

Meredith, Derek, Mark and Kristy drove along the road. The looks between Meredith and Derek were notice by Mark and Kristy. At first it was cute, and then Mark decided it was not only annoying, but potentially dangerous. Derek was watching the road about as much as he was watching Meredith.

"Okay... It's starting to get old." Mark said frankly as he looked up at Derek.

"What's starting to get old?" Derek asked with a chuckle as he glanced over.

"The looks. Seriously, if I see one more, I am going to jump out of the Jeep and end my suffering once and for all." Mark said quickly as he looked back at Kristy.

"Mark, knock it off... They are happy. Can't you just let them be happy?" Kristy asked with a smile.

"I would if it didn't cause me to think I may die in a rollover accident." Mark spat.

"Fine. I won't look at my wife anymore. Never again." Derek grumbled.

"Good." Mark replied with a chuckle. "So, Mer... How is your patient. The goner?"

"She is doing great." Meredith told him with a smile. "Looks like she will make a full recovery."

"That's great, sweetheart." MArk agreed as he looked back at her. "And you back?"

"Guys... I am fine. I swear if one more person asks me about my back..." Meredith grumbled.

"Well, honey, we wouldn't have to ask if you didn't lie." Derek pointed out. "You would rather suffer than get help."

"So true." Meredith agreed with a sigh. "I feel better than I have in years."

"Good." Kristy agreed with a nod. "So... How did you find out about this cabin?"

"Online. Should be nice. I hope." Meredith muttered as they drove along.

Meredith laid her head back and closed her eyes. She hated riding in the car for this length of time. It used to tie her back up so tight she couldn't walk. So far it wasn't hurting, but she was waiting for that moment. She was waiting for the pain.

"Holy shit." Mark muttered as he looked back. "I do not miss that."

"What, the tug boat coming into the harbor?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"Maybe she needs to get some help." Kristy suggested. "They do have a surgery for that."

"Getting Mer back into surgery would be impossible." Derek said frankly. "And I love it. It's how I know..."

"That she's alive." Mark said with a nod.

"Yeah." Derek agreed with a sigh. "I still... I just don't know. I wake up and wonder if it's a dream... If I'm still-"

"Married to that hag, Kristy?" Kristy asked with a giggle. "I'm kidding, Der, If I had known, maybe things would have been different. But... In my mind, it couldn't have happened a better way. It was a big thing for you, Derek. It was life changing. You will never be okay. But you have her. That's all that matters." Kristy said with a smile.

"Yeah." Derek said with a smile as he looked up at Meredith in the rearview mirror.

"Mmm... What are we talking about?" Meredith asked as she stretched.

"Nothing important, honey." Derek said with a smile. "And we don't have that much longer to go."

"Thank god..." Meredith muttered as she looked out the window.

"Mer hates driving in the car." Mark pointed out.

"I wonder why!" Kristy spat out.

"No. I did before that. Something about sitting in this thing kills me. I get antsy, my ass hurts. I just hate it." Meredith whined as she looked at them all.

"My wife is a whiner." Derek pointed out with a nod.

"She is." Meredith agreed quickly. "Your wife really is." She said with a giggle.

------------------

"It should be down this road." Derek said as he looked at the piece of paper in his hand.

"It's so beautiful out here." Meredith said as she looked around at all of the green trees.

"It is." Kristy agreed as she looked around. "This will be perfect. You have no idea how much I needed this."

Derek had a smile on his face. Meredith was so gullible. She never realized that he was joking with her. The chances of there being no indoor plumbing were slim. But he loved the look on her face when she imagined walking outside in the night to go to the bathroom in a freestanding building, over a pit. It was fun, and now she was going to see that it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be.

"Wow." Meredith muttered as she looked up at the cabin.

"It's perfect!" Kristy said with a giggle as they pulled up the driveway.

It wasn't grand. It wasn't huge. But it was nice and cozy. It wasn't a falling down shack in the middle of nowhere. It was a nice two- story log cabin surrounded buy a large wooded area. And better yet, Meredith didn't see an outhouse anywhere. The porch around the front was inviting. They had fresh flower pots out. Meredith smiled. It was just as the pictures showed.

"You did good, Mer." Derek said with a smile as he pulled up in front of their new accommodations.

"It looks great. A good place to get away from the hospital." Mark agreed as he looked around.

"The stream runs through just behind." Meredith pointed out. "And it is supposed to have ample trout."

"It's perfect." Derek said with a nod as he grabbed the keys from her hand and exited the car.

They all walked up to the front door, leaving their bags behind. No one said why, but they all wanted to actually see it before dragging their belongs inside. When Derek pushed the door open, they smiled. It was small and cozy with a nice fireplace. Meredith and Derek looked up into the loft, knowing that is where they were staying.

"We're staying in the loft." Derek motioned as he looked up.

"Oh. Good." Mark said with a chuckle as he looked up at the big wide open room. "Nice and uh... Loud." He said with a snicker.

"So, Mark, would you like to help me bring in the bags?" Derek asked, ignoring Mark's comment as he motioned to the car.

"Of course." Mark agreed as he turned on his heel.

"We can help." Meredith suggested as she followed him to the door.

"No. We take care of our women." Mark said with a wink as he shut the door.

"So?" Meredith asked as she looked around. "It's not bad..."

"I love it." Kristy said with a nod. "It's so homey. I could live here. I could live in the middle of nowhere."

"I never have." Meredith said with a sigh. "But getting out of the city is awful appealing."

"I agree." Kristy said with a smirk. "After awhile, it just drives you nuts."

"It does." Meredith answered as she walked around.

Meredith walked up to Mark and Kristy's room. It was just off of the living room and directly under their loft room. It was cute. Meredith loved the decor. It was very woodsy, with all handmade quilts and pillows. Dried flowers adorned the handmade wooden dressers and tables.

"Is this room okay?" Meredith asked as she looked in.

"It's perfect." Kristy said with a nod. "Let's go see yours."

Meredith and Kristy made the walk up the wooden stairs. Everything about the cabin was so natural. She loved the feel of it. Meredith immediately felt at home here. It wasn't too much. It wasn't overwhelming. She looked around the room that would be theirs for the week. It was plain. It was simple. It was the opposite of they lived in everyday. It was perfect.

[img Derek muttered as he walked up the stairs and placed their bags on the floor. "I like it." Derek told Meredith as he walked up and kissed her. They both forgot about Kristy as Derek wrapped his hands around Meredith and pulled her closer.

"I'll just-" Kristy muttered as she walked downstairs.

"I love the simplicity." Meredith agreed as she looked down.

"Do you know what I love?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"What?" Meredith asked with a smile.

"You!" He told her as he tackled her down on the bed.

"I love you too." Meredith said in-between the kisses he was pecking on her face. "So much."

"You're sure you are ready?" Derek asked as he cocked his head. "For a baby. I don't want to rush you."

"I'm ready, Derek. I am more than ready. For awhile... When you were- I cut myself off from that life that we were supposed to have. But now it's all rushing back. I am ready to give you a baby. I'm ready to see those blue Shepherd eyes." Meredith said with a smile.

"Well, I for one, hope that he or she has your eyes. But I am already in love." He said as he kissed her empty stomach. "I can't wait to make a baby with you. I can't wait until this tiny stomach is filled with something we made. I can't wait." Derek told her as he rubbed her abdomen.

"Tonight we will start. Tonight, we will create a life." Meredith said with a smile as she rolled over and onto Derek.

----------------

Mark and Kristy started pulling out their belongings and putting them into the dressers that were in their room. One thing Kristy didn't like, but would never say anything about was the bathroom. They got the small bathroom off of the living room. It had a shower. Meredith and Derek had a nice bathtub upstairs. But it was their vacation. Meredith and Derek had been nice enough to allow them to join along. So she just had to deal with it.

"I really like this place. But I don't like that loft." Mark pointed out with a frown.

"Mark, you lived with them for how long? Why are you whining all of the sudden? It's a little pathetic." Kristy said as she rolled her eyes and dumped her socks into the top drawer.

"Well, I was used to it. But you, my dear are do quiet." He told her as he pulled her over and kissed her softly. "I'm not used to the noise."

"I definitely don't snore like the beast." Kristy agreed with a chuckle.

"That is very true. But Mer is Mer, and we love her because of it." Mark explained as he emptied the remainder of his clothing out of his bag. "I just like to give them a hard time."

"Well, you have to stop. It's mean." Kristy said with a frown. "They are our friends. And now they are going to..." Kristy muttered as she laid back on the bed.

"How do you feel about that?" Mark asked as he laid on his stomach. "Them. Getting pregnant."

"I don't know. I do. But at the same time, I don't. I just- That was what I wanted." Kristy pointed out.

"Is it still?" Mark asked her as he looked up at her.

"No. No, it really isn't. I have gotten too old. And even if I wasn't... I just don't want to go through all of the bother. I don't want the midnight feedings and the lifetime of responsibly. I just was to live freely." Kristy explained. "I'm not jealous. Not in the least. But when I met Derek, that was what I thought we would have. And now we don't. It's just completely different than what I planned. It's so much better." She said as she leaned in and kissed him.

"Good. I'm glad." Mark said with a grin.

"Hey guys..." Meredith said as she tapped on their door.

"Yeah?" Kristy asked as she looked up. "You can come in."

"Der and I were thinking that we need to get some groceries and some other supplies. Do you want to come, or are you going to stay?" She asked as she peeked in the door.

"I think we will come." Mark said with a nod. "I forgot some things that I need to pick up."

"Sounds good. I need to get my boots on and we will leave in a few minutes. If you guys are ready?" She asked as she looked at them laying in the bed.

"We're ready." Kristy said with a nod as she jumped out of the bed.

"So what are you guys thinking for dinner this evening?" Derek asked as he looked around at the group.

"Mmm... Something good. Grilled. Chicken or steak." Meredith suggested.

"A steak sounds great to me." Mark agreed with a nod.

"I love steak." Kristy nodded as she looked at the group. "That would be great."

Meredith, Derek, Mark and Kristy all piled into the Jeep. Meredith was glad that she got her four wheel drive vehicle. She was absolutely loving every bit of this. No hustle and bustle. No smog. No cars cutting you off. As they walked into the store, everyone was so kind and ready to help. The whole area had a completely different feel than Seattle. Meredith loved Seattle. But this was a great place to get away.

They all enjoyed a perfect dinner. Mark was a master on the grill. Kristy and Meredith had cut up fresh vegetables that they cooked alongside the steak on the grill. Everyone was starving and couldn't wait to dig into their food while sitting out in the fresh air. It couldn't be more perfect.

After dinner, everyone gathered together and helped clean up. They spent awhile sitting in the living room catching up on the day's events. Derek started a large fire in the fireplace. They all sat around, staring at the flames dancing around in the stone fireplace. It was so tranquil. Meredith finally looked up at Derek and smiled.

"I think we're going to head to bed." Derek said as he looked up at Mark and Kristy. And so it began.


	114. Big Try

Meredith quickly jogged up the stairs with Derek on her tail. When she reached the top, she stopped and turned on her heel, facing him. Derek knew the smile on her face. It was her notorious seduction smile. He saw her left eyebrow raise as she looked at his growing manhood. It only grew more as he watched at her tongue run over her lips. Derek looked back as her as he unbuckled his belt and let his jeans fall to the floor.

"I have been thinking about this all day..." Derek muttered as he walked towards her in his boxer briefs.

"I have too." Meredith admitted as she put her hands on his face.

"Tonight we are doing this right. Nice and slow." Derek told her frankly as he placed one hand behind her neck and the other behind her head. Meredith closed her eyes as she felt Derek's lips press against hers softly. His tongue ran over her bottom lip and he began sucking gently. Meredith parted her lips slightly and allowed him entrance, twisting and tasting him with her own tongue.

"They're being quiet." Kristy said as she looked over at Mark. They had been laying their, enjoying the fire and the ambiance. And waiting for it. The noise.

"They must be into foreplay tonight. Give it time..." Mark muttered into her hair.

Meredith stood in front of Derek as he kissed her neck. He was taking charge, and she was going to let him be. In her mind, that was the way it should be. They were making a child, and she was giving him this. She moaned as his tongue slid along her flesh. His hands played at the hem of her shirt and slowly slid it over her head. He tossed it to the side on a chair. He smiled as he took her in. All his. His perfection.

"You are the most beautiful woman in the world." He told her as he pulled her jeans down and let them fall to the floor. There she stood in her plain pink bra and panties, so simply elegant. Her ran his hands down her sides and over her hips.

"Oh... Derek." She moaned as his mouth attacked the soft flesh of her cleavage. Derek ran his hands down her back and unclasped her bra. It slid gently down her arms and fell to the floor. Derek's hands instinctively went to her chest and rubbed her gently. She moaned as her nipples turned into hard peaks under his soft hands.

Derek pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the side with hers. Meredith ran her hands over his muscled chest and smiled. She closed her eyes and mentally pictured every single inch of his body that she knew so well. Derek slid her panties over her hips and let them fall to the floor. He walked her backwards to the bed, where he laid her back. His one boxer briefs were discarded as he stood before her. Her body was splayed out over the bed sheets, her hair softly laying around her head. At some point she had come up and turned the bed back.

Derek climbed onto the bed and hovered his body over hers. It felt so good to be in control. It felt perfect to lay over her, knowing what was to come. He cock twitched hard, knowing what was going to be happening. Knowing that it would soon me nestled deep into her core.

Derek leaned to the side and let a smile form as he ran his hands down her soft flesh. His hand rose over the mounds that were her breasts. Her nipples were hard and ready for him. His hand travelled down her abdomen. He traced his fingers around her navel and made his way to her mound. His fingers ran over her softness and delved into her wet slit. She was ready for him. More than ready.

"Just make love to me, Derek." Meredith said softly as she looked into his deep blue eyes.

Usually it was a just fuck me. Not this time. She wanted it nice and slow. Soft and gently. Derek nodded as he pecked soft, loving kisses up her body and to her mouth. He touched her soft lips as he hovered over her body. Meredith spread her legs to the sides as Derek laid between the, his cock ready for her. She felt it's head bump her clitoris as it twitched in anticipation.

"Oh..." Derek muttered as he stared into her eyes, sliding his thick and ready cock deep inside of her.

It never felt better. So warm and tight. His bare cock buried inside of her. Uncovered and natural. Derek looked into her green eyes as they both laid there, feeling their bodies connected so deeply. Meredith let out a faint moan, which Derek knew. He nodded as he pulled out gently and slide himself back into her.

"Oh... Honey." Derek moaned as he pushed and pulled in and out of her warm core.

"Oh...Oh..." Meredith moaned as she laid her head back and closed her eyes. "You feel so good." Meredith moaned before his lips covered hers and his tongue mimicked the motion of his cock.

"Oh...Oh... Oh..." Derek groaned and grunted as he pushed and pulled, feeling her body tense up and tighten ever more.

"Ah! Ah!" Meredith cried out as she felt her walls clamping down. His thick cock pressed her walls back apart.

"Oh my god..." Kristy muttered as she glanced up to the loft. "He grunts."

"And groans." Mark said with a nod. "It's rhythmic. This is quiet. They are taking it slow. And I wish I didn't know their habits."

"Let's go to bed." Kristy said with a nod as she listened to the soft moans and cried coming from upstairs. "It is slightly sickening."

"Oh! Oh, God, Derek! Harder!" Meredith yelled as she neared the edge.

"Fuck, Mer... Fuck!" Derek shouted as he thrust into her hard. "Oh, god." He grunted. "You are tight... Shit... I'm cumming, baby." He yelped as he went through the motions faster and harder in anticipation of what was to come.

"Oh my god... I could have went without that." Kristy said as she jumped up and walked towards the bedroom.

"Oh, God, Der! Oh! Ah! Oh!" Meredith cried out as her walls clamped down and began pulsating. Derek drove harder and faster, milking her strong orgasm.

"Oh! Oh..." Derek groaned as he stopped pumping and sprayed her walls with his hot cum. Their fluid mixed as they both laid there in a sweaty mess. Meredith smiled as she looked at him. Derek laid back on her and listened to her heart.

"Wow." Kristy muttered as she laid back on the bed.

"So... Are you turned on, baby?" Mark asked as he looked at her.

"Quite the opposite." Kristy said with a frown. "That was just... Wow."

"From the sounds of it, I think they are probably saying the same thing!" Mark said with a chuckle as he pulled her close and turned off the light.

"I wonder..." Meredith muttered breathlessly. "And I... It's amazing. We could have just created a life."

"That is amazing." Derek agreed as he kissed her chest. As their fluids mixed, they both laid there with smiles on their faces. It was amazing. It was amazing what they could do together.

----------------

Meredith raised her amrs in the arm and let out a big yawn. She felt great. A long night of love with Derek, and the ability to sleep in. It was the perfect vacation. Her smile turned to a frown as she looked around her epty room, looking for Derek. She sighed, realizing that he had probably went fishing.

Meredith climbed out of the bed, with a bed sheet wrapped around her body. Meredith made her way over to her dresser and picked through her clothes, trying to decide what to wear. She opeted for a long sleeved tee shirt and a sweater with a nice pair of jeans. She walked into their bathrrom, seeing what a mess she was in. She all all covered in post sex sweat and body fluids. She quickly flipped on the water of the bathtub and climbed into the hot water. She could hear everyone downstairs banging things around as she laid in the hot water.

Last night was amazing. Last night she felt more perfect with Derek than she ever had. A smile covered her face as she rubbed her hand over her abdomen. She knew she just knew she was pregnant. Possibly impossible. But no one could convince her otherwise. Things were going on inside of her. Big things. Important things.

"Hey guys." Meredith said with a big grin as she walked into the kitchen.

"Hey." MArk grumbled. He felt Kristy kick him under the table. "You look rested."

"I feel great." Meredith said with a smile as she poured coffee in her cup. "Hell, honey." Meredith said as Derek walked in.

"Good morning, baby." Derek siad as he leaned in and kissed her softly. "Did you sleep well?"

"I did." Meredith said with a nod as she looked into his eyes. "Really well. I was tired."

"I bet you were." Mark muttered under his breath.

"Wake up on the wrong side of the bed, Mark?" Meredith asked with a giggle.

Mark looked up at Meredith and Derek. His best friends were happy. Completely content. It took the years to get where they were. And he started feel guilty. They were trying fro a baby. They were trying to make a life. And he needed to get over it.

"No, honey. I'm fine." Mark said with a smile as he kissed her cheek.

"That's what I thought." Meredith said with a nod. "So... Breakfast." Meredith said as she looked around.

"We ate." Everyone muttered as they looked at her.

"Oh. What?" Meredith asked as she looked at them.

"Trout and eggs." Derek told her with a grin.

"Did you catch a big fish?" Meredith asked as she looked into his eyes and then turned around and walked to the counter.

"Honey, I caught the perfect fish." He said as he came up beside her. "So perfect. Thank you for last night." He whispered into her ear.

"Mmm... It was perfect." Meredith told him as she turned and kissed him softly.

"So... How do you feel?" Derek asked as he rubbed her back.

"I feel great. Perfect, maybe." Meredith said with a nod.

"Pregnant?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"Hmm... You never know." Meredith said with a nod. "So where is this fish?"

"Gone. We ate it all." Derek said with a frown.

"I see how it is. I could be growing your child. Starve me. It's all good." She said with a giggle.

"I will make you breakfast." Derek siad with a nod.

"No. I'll have some oatmeal." Meredith told him as she pulled out the canister and a pan. "It will be good for a change."

"Are you sure? You know I will cook for you..." Derek told her softly.

"No, I'm fine." Meredith said softly.

"She may burn the cabin down. We need to watch her." Mark said with a chuckle.

"Maybe I will. And I will make sure that you have to walk all the way home, Mark." Meredith snapped as she looked up.

"Hmm... Testy. A bit hormonal, are we?" Mark asked with a raised brow.

"You want to get knocked out. That is fairly obvious." Meredith told him as she stirred her oatmeal. "Just jealous you are... You didn't get to use your plastic parts, huh?"

"Funny." Mark said with a chuckle. "It was so much easier to be nice to you when you were in pain." He told her quickly.

"Hmm... It's not easy for me to be nice to you, ever!" Meredith snapped as she spooned her oatmeal in a bowl.

Meredith walked over to the table and and sat down with her oatmeal. Everyone shook their heads as she sat there and ate the mess that she had created.

"You know I love you, right?" Mark asked with a smirk.

"I may have been siad in the past." Meredith said as she looked up at him.

"Well, it's being said now." Mark told her as he kissed her on the head

"You know, you are the only man I would ever let kiss my wife on the head." Derek told him frankly.

"Is that so?" Mark asked as he sat down at the table.

"It is." Derek said with a smile. "That head is for my lips only."

"You guys are all nuts." Kristy said as she looked up at them.

"That could very well be. That's what happens when you spend too much time together" Mark said with a nod. "Too much time polluting each other's minds..."

"So what's on the agenda?" Kristy asked as she looked at them all.

"Agenda? There is no agenda." Derek said with a smirk. "We do what we want, when we want."

"Sounds like a plan to me." Meredith muttered as she spooned her goo. "I can't even make oatmeal." She whined as she looked up at them.

"And we know who isn't making dinner. Not that we didn't anyhow." Derek said with a smile.

"You are an ass. I try." Meredith told him as she furrowed her brow. "And tonight I want chicken parmesan. So Derek, you are cooking."

"You cook?" Kristy asked, somewhat in shock.

"Derek makes awesome chicken parmesan." Mark said with a big nod. "And Kris, you can make garlic bread. And they baby, she can make the salad. Maybe she can handle that. Can you, Mer?" Mark asked with a chuckle.

"I am an amazing woman who can do anything she sets her mind to." Meredith said boldly. "Yes... I can make salad!" She said with a giggle.

"Good. So now what?" Mark asked as he looked around.

"Well, I saw a cute little shop in town. I'd love to check that out." Kristy said with a nod.

"That sounds like fun. You and I could go and leave them here." Meredith said with a smirk.

"That sounds even better." kristy agreed with a nod.

"As long as you are back for dinner." Derek told them. "More importantly, for bed." Derek whispered in Meredith's ear.

"I wouldn't miss that." Meredith told him. The trying for a baby thing... Big fun.

**Trying for McBaby is fun!**


	115. Up a Creek, With a Spoon

Meredith and Kristy spent the whole day in town. They didn't even think about the fact that Mark and Derek were at home with no vehicle and not much to do. And of course, Meredith was Derek's favorite thing to do. So he was up a creek without a paddle. Not so much without a paddle. He had the means. It was more like up a creek with a spoon for a paddle.

"Oh my God! Kris, we've been gone all day!" Meredith said in shock as she climbed in the driver's side of the vehicle.

"Oh... Wow. What did we do?" Kristy asked with a giggle.

"Well, we bought a lot of crap. It looks like Mark will be riding on the roof on the way home." Meredith said with a giggle as she looked at the pile of stuff in the rearview mirror.

"That's fine with me. As long as I can get my stuff home, I don't care." Kristy said with a giggle and a smile.

"That was wrong. But I feel the same way." Meredith agreed as they drove down the road.

"What do you think the guys did all day?" Kristy asked as she looked out at the scenery.

"Do we really want to know what the guys did all day?" Meredith asked with a smile. "They're city guys in the wilderness. Who the hell knows what could happen."

"You have a point. I hate to say it, but I think that if they were left to their own devices, they'd really be screwed. And if they were left in the woods, they'd both end up dead." Kristy pointed out.

"Not Derek. Derek is a man's man." Meredith said seriously. They both looked at each other and began laughing hard. "I let him think he is. Nothing is funnier than when he tries."

"Well, I can't say any more for Mark. Him and his socks." Kristy said with a nod.

"I know. He refuses to go barefoot. He is so not a man." Meredith said with a smile. "I won't even tell you what I-" Meredith started. "Never mind."

"What!" Kristy said in desperation.

"No. I really shouldn't have said anything. If I told you, you would never look at him the same. Seriously, Kris, somethings are better not known." Meredith told her with a sigh.

"Mer!" Kristy whined as she looked up at her.

"No. I'm not kidding It's all I think of whenever I look at him. You really don't want to picture it. I would rather stick hot pokers in my eyes then see it again." Meredith explained.

"You are no fun. I'll get it out of you..." Kristy told her with a smirk.

"Now that, I doubt. And you will never get it out of Mark." Meredith said with a nod.

Meredith would never tell Kristy. In fact, she never told Derek. It just happened. She was at the apartment they shared in college, one day. Derek had went off to class and left her asleep in his bed. Meredith stumbled sleepily out of the room and by Mark's door. What she saw still haunts her to this day. They both looked at each other in shock and never spoke of it. They couldn't. Neither wanted to remember that moment.

"So.. Have you heard from Adrien?" Kristy asked as she looked over.

"Seriously. Now that is a way to ruin a vacation." Meredith grumbled as she drove along.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I didn't- I just wondered." Kristy said quickly as she looked at Meredith.

"It's okay. No. I heard that he has gone to France for awhile. I'm not sure what is going on. And Santos is technically in semi-retirement. And he is working at Seattle Grace full time. I just- I can't talk to Derek about him. And I need him. I need Adrien for my fellowship. But Derek doesn't realize that. Adrien deGaulle is the best, and he can really make me into something. And Derek, he hates him so much. So he doesn't understand what I'm- He just doesn't get it." Meredith explained with a sigh.

"Oh, Mer... I understand. You want to learn from him. And that's great. But honey, you don't need him. You can be great all on your own. But when he comes back, I'll support you. I understand how you are feeling. Well, as best as I can." Kristy explained.

"Thanks, Kris... You are a great friend." Meredith said with a nod.

"As are you." Kristy agreed as they continued their drive.

------------------

Mark and Derek spent the day gathering wood for a bonfire outside. Tehy also took turns chopping logs and bringing some in for the fireplace. Fishing was much better in the morning, but they both decided to try. Derek caught one trout, and Mark catching a turtle. When they were done, they went in the house and began cooking supper.

"So... This is good." Mark said with a nod.

"Yeah. It's nice to get away." Derek said with a nod and a smile. "I love the hospital. But I had no idea how bad I had to get out of there until we got here."

"I agree. It's good to just get away from it all." Mark said with a nod. "So what do you need me to do?"

"You could do Meredith's job... Salad." Derek told him with a chuckle.

"Now that I can do." Mark said with a smirk as he reached into the refrigerator and began pulling out lettuce and all of the usual salad fixings.

"I think I am going to call Mer..." Derek said as he looked up at the clock. "She's been gone a long time."

"They're girls." Mark said with a laugh. "Are you surprised?" Mark asked.

"Yeah, I am. Mer usually calls me." Derek said as he pulled out his cell phone. "Shit. No service." He said with a sigh.

"Kristy loves to shop." Mark pointed out. "You should know that. They are okay. They're just doing the usual girly things."

"Fine." Derek grumbled as he breaded his chicken.

Derek was getting concerned. He always did. He knew what happened the last time. The time when she came out for the car nearly dead. So when she didn't come back, he was worried. Derek stood there and distractedly made the chicken. He didn't want to worry, but her couldn't lose her again.

"Seriously, they're fine." Mark told him with a nod as he looked at the worry on Derek's face.

Meredith drove down the road. She was going a little fast. Just under the speed limit, but it was slippery. She was thinking about Adrien and everything else that she and Kristy were talking about. She was distracted and worried. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a red car. She panicked and slammed on the brakes.

"Oh my god, Mer!" Kristy said in shock as she looked over at her.

"Oh... Oh..." Meredith said as she breathed deeply in and out. The car was on the next street over. There was no one around as Meredith sat there.

"Are you okay?" Kristy asked as she looked at a pale faced Meredith.

"Um. Yeah." Meredith said softly as she swallowed hard. "I- I'm okay."

"Honey... You don't look well. Pull over. I'll drive." She told her quickly. Meredith nodded her head and pulled to the side of the road. Meredith climbed out of the car and began retching.

"Oh..." Meredith groaned as she walked around to the other side of the car.

"Oh, Mer..." Kristy said as she opened her door for her and helped her climb in. Kristy climbed in the car. "How often does that happen?" Kristy asked as she looked over.

"What happen?" Meredith asked as she laid her head back with her eyes closed.

"Mer... You flipped out. You hit the brakes and panicked. There was no one around." Kristy pointed out.

"There was. Over there, there was." Meredith grumbled.

"Oh, honey..." Kristy said in shock. "It happens a lot, doesn't it?"

"Not a lot. But it does happen." Meredith admitted. "Not often. A few times."

"Mer... Maybe you need to talk about this with someone." Kristy told her frankly.

"I'm okay, Kristy. Let's just get home." Meredith told her with a nod as Kristy drove along.

Kristy didn't say another word. Meredith was in one of her moods. She wasn't going to open up or admit anything. But Kristy was worried. She wondered just how often this did happen. She realized that if a car had been right behind them, there would have been an accident. She was grateful when they pulled up to the cabin.

"Where have you been?" Derek said as he walked out. "And why isn't Mer, driving? Did something happen? Mer, are you okay?" Derek asked as he rushed up.

"I just had a headache. I let Kristy drive. No big deal." Meredith said as she kissed him softly and grabbed his hand. They walked into the sweet smelling house. "Mmm... Dinner smells great."

"It does." Kristy agreed as she looked over at Meredith. Meredith looked at her with pleading eyes. "I can't wait." She said with a sigh, not saying a word.

---------------

Meredith, Derek, Mark and Kristy all gathered around the kitchen table and played cards. Mark and Kristy were beating Meredith and Derek's ass horribly. Finally they got frustrated and decided that they couldn't take the embarrassment. Mark and Kristy ribbed them hard, but decided that they were ready to head to bed anyhow.

"I think we should go for a walk but the water." Derek suggested with a smile.

"In the dark? It's cold." Meredith said frankly.

"Yes in the dark. The moon is out. It's really not that dark. And don't worry, baby... I will keep you warm." He said as he leaned in and kissed her neck.

"Hmm... Okay." Meredith said with a smile as she stood up and stepped away from the table. "Goodnight, guys." Meredith said with a smile as she pulled on her hiking boots.

"Night." Mark and Kristy said with smiles as they grabbed the cards and headed towards their bedroom.

The air was crisp, but it felt great to get it in their lungs. There was absolutely no wind and the moon faintly lit up the property. Meredith held Derek's hand as they walked towards the water. She gave him as smile as they approached the water and looked down at the moon reflecting off of the water.

"I was worried about you today." Derek said as he tipped his head. "You were gone too long."

"Oh, I'm sorry. We just kept shopping down the road. Kristy didn't want to stop, and I didn't realize how late it was. I'm so sorry." Meredith muttered as she looked at him.

"It's okay. You're allowed to have a good time without me. But I would much rather you had a good time with me." He said as he raised his eyebrows.

"Hmm... A good time. I can handle that." Meredith said with a giggle as she looked over at a fallen tree trunk that had been laid by the water to sit on. "Right there."

"There? We can't do it there." Derek said in shock as he looked at the log. It was reminding him of the men running on the logs in the water. Not the most comfortable place in the world to have sex. Or the steadiest for that matter.

"Oh... We can do it there." Meredith said happily as she rubbed his cock through his jeans.

"Oh..." Derek groaned as she aroused his manhood. "Fuck... Yeah. We can do it there." He said with a nod as she unzipped his jeans, and freed his pre-cum dripping cock.

"Sit down." Meredith told him as she pushed him back.

"Oh... Pushy. I like it." He said with a nod as he sat on the tree.

Derek watched as Meredith quickly got out of her jeans. How crazy it was to fuck on a tree out in the freezing cold weather. Derek moaned as their warm flesh touched one anouther. He groaned as Meredith straddled him and sunk slowly onto his cock. She ignored the rough bark rubbing against her as she attempted to get into position.

"Ohh... Derek, you are so big. Thank god you are so big..." She said with a smile as she sucked on his lips.

"And if I wasn't..." Derek suggested as stuck his tongue in her mouth. Their tongues danced as Meredith rocked her hips gently. Derek ran his tongue over her teeth and then pulled it out, sucking on her bottom lip.

"This wouldn't be as fun." She said with a giggle as he kissed her neck.

Meredith began rocking hard on Derek's thick cock. It felt so perfect, nestled deep inside of her, uncovered and ready to cum. She could feel him pulsating. She could feel her own walls clamping down. The need to over as she rocked harder and harder, rotating her hips to get the most out of him.

"Oh... Fuck... Fuck..." Derek spat as she threw her head back and raised and lowered herself on his penis.

"Oh god, Der... Oh god... Oh..." Meredith screeched as she stopped rocking and felt his warm seeds flood her walls. "Oh..."

"Oh god, baby..." Derek muttered as he felt his hot cum spurt into her over and over. Their bodies contracted and began to sweat as they sat there.

"I liked that." Meredith admitted as she climbed off of him and began to dress.

"You're steaming." Derek said as he stood up and zipped his jeans.

"I know... It was hot sex." Meredith said with a giggle.

"No, Mer. You are literally steaming." He told her as he looked at her. "We need to get into the cabin. It's too cold for you to be steaming." Derek told her as he slipped on his coat and dragged her towards the house.

Meredith and Derek looked at each other as they walked in. Not cool. It was not cool. They could hear Mark's moaning and Kristy's chirping. She chirped. Like a bird. They both drew in deep breaths as they pulled off their shoes and walked into the kitchen. Meredith grabbed a quick glass of water, and stood there, listening to the pair.

"You know... They really aren't that loud." Meredith said with a shrug. "It's just... Eww."

"I agree. Eww. Kristy is like fucking a-" Derek started. He didn't know what came over him. He swallowed hard.

"Unless you want to be fucking yourself, you will not finish that." Meredith told him frankly.

"She's not like you Mer. Not even close. The things you do..." He whispered into her hair as he sucked her neck. "Let's show them how it's done."

Derek led Meredith up to their room. Tonight was different. Last night was about making a baby. It was bout making love. But tonight was about fucking. Tonight was about showing them up. It was nasty and naughty. It was sweaty and spanky. Over and over, until the sun came up. Until the next day. They showed them. Too bad Mark and Kristy had fallen into a deep alcohol induced sleep. Yep, they had hot sex. And tonight, they would do it again.

**The new laptop and cable internet are now in! Yay!**


	116. Secrets Explode

Breakfast was uneventful. Both parties had their own perfect night. For Kristy and Mark, it was going a couple of rounds before passing out into a deep sleep. For Meredith and Derek it was an all night long sex-fest. Mark and Kristy had been fortunate. They had slept through it all. They were happy. They weren't sleep deprived. And Meredith and Derek had learned the benefits of power sleeping. It left much more time in the day for the important things.

Meredith decided to go for a walk off by herself. She needed some time alone. She loved being with Derek, but she wanted to get away. Her thoughts about the day before haunted her. The car wasn't even on the road that she was on. And she panicked. Maybe Derek was right. Maybe she would need to wrap their child in bubble wrap to take them anywhere.

It was a problem. It was a problem that wasn't getting any better. But she didn't want to talk to anyone about it. She could get over it. It wasn't like she was walking around in a panic all of the time. She could go days, weeks even, without an episode. She would be fine. She just needed some time.

Kristy sat on the sofa and crocheted. She had always crocheted. Knitting was something that her mind and hands would not allow her to do. But crocheting, she could do that. She was knitting a pair of yellow booties for the baby. Meredith and Derek's baby. But she wasn't going to tell them. She didn't want to jinx it.

As she did stitch after stitch, she was still up in the air about what to do. She didn't want to keep this from Derek. If there was a problem, she figured he deserved to know before it snowballed out of control. She drew in a sigh. They could have been killed yesterday. And it was more than apparent that it had happened before. Many times before.

"Hey, Kris." Derek said as he sat down in a chair. "Where's Mer?" He asked as he looked around.

"She's outside. She said she needed some time to herself. I think she took a walk." Kristy pointed out as she continued on. To say or not to say.

"She went for a walk by herself?" Derek asked with a frown. "I thought she would have asked me to go along."

"I think not asking you was kind of the point, Derek." Kristy said with a chuckle as she looked up. "Hey... What is Mark and Mer's secret?" She asked with raised brows.

This was good. This was an excellent plan. She would tell Derek there was a secret, and they could get it out of them together. This was the perfect plan. Derek wouldn't be able to take not knowing what was going on. He would have to know. And now Kristy was wondering what really happened. Sex. It hit her. They had sex. No. That was not funny. Oh my god... No. Not that either. She finally shrugged and looked up at Derek.

"What secret? They don't have secrets." Derek said frankly as he looked at her.

"Apparently they do. According to Meredith... There is something. She said she never looked at him the same." Kristy told him frankly.

"They don't have a secret. Not that I don't know about." Derek warned her with anger in his voice.

Kristy was taken aback by his tone and quickly dropped her head and looked down. Now she was wishing she hadn't said a word to him. Derek sat in the chair with a clenched jaw. It couldn't be a huge secret, or Meredith wouldn't have brought it up. But he didn't like the idea of her having secrets. Not at all.

"Has Mer been okay?" Derek asked simply. "When you guys came home last night... She didn't seem right."

"Um..." Kristy muttered as she looked at her work and ignored him.

"Spit it." Derek warned as he looked at her.

"Okay. She um... We're friends, right?" She asked Derek.

"Yes, we're friends." Derek agreed as he looked at her.

"Well, um... Mer kinda had a freak out yesterday. She didn't want me to say anything, but I'm worried. She was driving home and all of the sudden, out of no where, she slammed on the brakes. If I hadn't had my seatbelt on, I would have went through the windshield. There was no one around, Derek. She claimed she saw a car, but I didn't. And it's happened before. It happens a lot, I think." She told him with a frown.

"What? Are you kidding me?" Derek asked in shock.

"No, Derek. I'm worried. Maybe she shouldn't drive." Kristy told him sadly.

"No. No... This is- I knew something hasn't been right." Derek told her with a frown. "I'll talk to her. But don't worry, I won't say anything about what you said."

"Thanks." Kristy said with a nod as they looked up, seeing Meredith.

-----------------

Derek didn't say anything. He was going to wait until tonight. What Kristy said made him sick. It was something that he thought was going on, but he had really been hoping it wasn't. Now he was worried. He was worried about her. She apparently couldn't be trusted behind the wheel of her own vehicle. And he had no idea how to fix it.

The group all gathered around the fire pit in their chairs. Derek pulled Meredith into his lap on the wooden adirondack that he was sitting on. He loved the smell of her light lavender conditioner mixed with the smokey fire smell wafting in the air. He pulled her close and nestled his face in her neck.

"So..." Kristy said as she looked at Mark and then at Meredith.

"Hmm?" Mark asked as he stared into the flames and didn't looked up.

"So, I think we need s'mores!" Meredith said quickly as she jumped up. She gave Mark a look and a slight nod. "Anyone want to help me carry the stuff."

"Mer... It's marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers. How hard is that to carry?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"No problem... I will help." Mark said with a nod. "Besides, I need a beer. Derek, are you game?"

"No... I'm making babies." Derek said with a chuckle. "We need the least issues possible."

"That makes sense." Mark agreed as he walked off, following Meredith.

"You realize they are talking about this secret, right?" Kristy asked frankly.

"Why are you starting shit?" Derek asked with anger.

"Oh come on, Derek! You're just jealous. I am not starting shit. I just want to know what is going on. And apparently something is going on." Kristy pointed out.

"Maybe it's none of our business." Derek told her with a sigh.

"Oh, yeah. You really believe that." Kristy muttered as she rolled her eyes. "Well, it must be good. Because they just snuck away to think of a plan."

"What exactly did Meredith say?" Derek asked as he rolled his eyes.

"She said "I won't even tell you what I- Never mind." And then I asked her what, and she said she shouldn't have said anything. She said if I knew, I would never look at him the same, and that some things are better not known. And that she would rather poke her eyes out that see it again. I don't know what it is..." Kristy said with a sad sigh.

"Um." Was all Derek could get out. Now his attention was piqued. The curiosity was killing him.

Meredith looked out the door at Derek and Kristy. As soon as Mark came in, she shut him and looked up. A smile began creeping farther and farther up her face. Mark looked at her and began laughing.

"What are we laughing at?" Mark asked as she began pulling the items out of the cupboard.

"I screwed up, Mark." He said as she snorted.

"Screwed what up?" He chuckled as he looked at her.

"I was talking to Kristy... I didn't let it slip... But she knows that there is something. She knows we have a secret." Meredith told him quickly.

"Secret? We don't have a secret..." Mark told her with furrowed brows.

"We do have a secret. Do you seriously not remember? You and I. In Derek and yours apartment in college. I woke up that one morning and you were... And I..." Meredith said. Mark remembered and his face went to stone.

"You told her!!!" He spat in a mixture of anger, embarrassment and upset.

"No! I did not tell her. I- She knows that there is something. That's all she knows." Meredith told him.

"Mer! We can't tell anyone. We agreed we would never tell anyone." Mark said firmly.

"And we won't. Believe me, I do not want to talk or think about it. Ever again. But I wanted you to know what was going on." Meredith told him as she shoved marshmallows in his hands and walked out. "Don't forget your beer." She muttered as she made her way to Derek and Kristy.

"So..." Derek said frankly as he looked up at her. "What the hell is going on?"

"With what?" Meredith asked with a giggle. "Here, take these, I left the sticks on the porch."

"Mark... What is going on?" Derek asked as he looked up at him.

"What are you talking about, man?" Mark said with a fake puzzled face.

"Don't fuck with me, Mark! I know there is a secret. And I want to know what it is." Derek said as he shot him a glare.

"What the hell is going on, Mark?" Kristy asked with a frown.

"Mer and I had sex." He spat out.

"Got 'em!" Meredith said as she walked up and looked at the shocked faces.

"What the fuck did you just say?" Derek asked.

Derek quickly jumped up from his chair, letting the bag of marshmallows fall to the ground. He had only fire in his eyes. He was out for blood. The thought of Mark and Meredith curdled his blood. It made his stomach churn. Mark looked up in shock as he saw Derek coming towards him. Derek quickly shoved him to the ground and they wrestled around in the dirt. Fists flew. Derek was swinging at anything her could. Legs wrangled. Sounds were made, but no words were heard. Meredith dropped everything and quickly jumped on the pair.

"Stop! Quit! What are you guys doing?" Meredith asked in shock as she attempted to split them up. She shoved Mark hard.

"Is there anyone, Mer?" Kristy asked with hurt. "Is there anyone else you would like to ruin for me?" She asked as she ran off with tears in her eyes.

"What the fuck is going on?" Meredith asked as she pinned Derek down and straddled him. "You guys are acting like idiots."

"You asshole!" Mark spat as he stood and pointed at Derek.

"Why are you fighting?" Meredith asked as she looked down at Derek.

"Is it true, Mer? The secret, is it true?" Derek asked with hurt.

"What are you talking about? Mark, what did you say?" Meredith asked, knowing that is was something foolish. She knew that it obviously wasn't the real secret.

"I was just fucking around." Mark said frankly. "He didn't even give me time to say anything before he attacked me. Fucker..."

"Me? You want to go, asshole?" Derek spat as he tried to move. He could easy toss Meredith, but he wouldn't. He didn't want to hurt her.

"Derek... What did dumb ass say?" Meredith asked as she rolled her eyes.

"He told me that you fucked him." Derek told her quickly. "Did you fuck him, Mer?"

"You ass!" Meredith spat as she socked Derek in the shoulder. She then jumped up and hit Mark in the chest, over and over again.

"I was kidding. I never thought they would believe it." Mark said with a snicker. "God, Derek... You are an idiot. If I did do that, do you think I would tell you? I would never consider doing that. She's like my sister? Would you fuck your sister?"

"I don't know what I was thinking." Derek admitted as he looked up at her and then at Mark. He drew in a breath, feeling pathetic.

"Mark, thanks a fucking lot." Meredith said as she started to cry. "You need to go talk to Kristy. "

"Mer... I was just kidding." Mark said quickly.

"Just go!" She yelled as she pointed.

"Mer... I'm sorry. I know better." Derek said as he stood up and pulled her close. "I was just in shock."

"I- It's okay. I don't know why he would even say that. It's not funny. Not at all." She muttered. "Do you think she meant it?" Meredith asked as she looked into his eyes.

"Meant what?" Derek asked in confusion.

"She asked me if there was anyone else I wanted to ruin for her." Meredith said as she cried. Derek walked them back into the chair and pulled her into his lap.

"No. She did not mean that. She was upset." Derek told her as he kissed her head. "She would never... She doesn't think that way."

Mark walked into the house. He had no idea why he said that. But he never thought that would happen. He never thought it would go over like that. He figured they would all get a good laugh and forget about the real secret. He could hear Kristy crying as he walked in.

"I'm sorry, Kris." Mark said as he laid down in the bed with her. "It was a joke. I have never even thought about Meredith like that. She is like my sister for god's sake. I was just screwing around. I never meant for you to think it was the truth."

"Do you realize what an ass you are?" Kristy asked with a frown.

"I do." Mark agreed. "I didn't mean for it to go like that. And I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you."

"Really?" She asked with a smile as she looked up with red eyes.

"Of course." Mark said as he kissed her softly. "That was, is, and never will be anything between us. You are it for me, babe. And Mer... I fucked that up."

"Oh... Mer. I was mean to her. We have to go out there!" Kristy said as she jumped up.

Kristy's heart broke as she looked down at Meredith in Derek's arms. She wished she had never said that. It was beyond harsh, and it wasn't even how she really felt. She looked down at Meredith and up at Derek.

"I'm sorry Mer... I didn't mean it. I didn't mean what I said. I was just in shock. You are my best friend. It wasn't right. I'm sorry, honey. I don't feel that way." She said as she leaned down and gave her a soft hug.

"It's okay." Meredith said as she sniffled and shook her head. They all drew in deep breaths.

"You're an ass!" They spat in unison as they looked up at Mark.

"Me?" Mark asked in shock. "Okay... Maybe." He said with a slight smile.

"So we're good?" Kristy asked as she looked around. They all nodded. "So now what?" She asked.

"Marshmallows!" Meredith said as she jumped up.

"Derek doesn't like marshmallows." Kristy told Meredith as she looked up.

"He does if they are just right." Meredith said with a nod as she got closer to the fire and held the marshmallow in front of the fire. "Golden brown..."

"Yep." Derek said with a nod. "There is only one problem with that..."

"What?" Kristy asked as she watched Meredith.

"That." Derek said as Meredith thrust it into the fire and pulled the flaming sugar out.

"Mer doesn't have the patience. She can't wait." Mark said with a chuckle as Meredith blew it out and chomped it down.

"Mmm... That was good." Meredith said with a giggle. "I'll make yours next." Meredith told Derek with a nod.

"Sure you will." Derek said with a chuckle.

The group watched Meredith as she sat there and made marshmallow after marshmallow and hogged them down. She would let out a squeal when she shoved the way too hot sugar into her mouth. They laughed as they watched her, knowing the outcome would be the same.

"Eh..." She groaned after half of the bag was gone.

"Sick, honey?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"Uh huh..." She moaned as she slowly made his and held her stomach. "Here, honey." He told Derek as she held the two marshmallows before him. Derek smirked as she climbed on his lap.

"Will you blow it for me?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Oh honey... You know you don't have to ask me to blow." She said with a giggle as she began to blow air on the warm marshmallow. Derek smiled before he shoved it in her face, splattering the sticky mess all over her.

"Ah!" She cried out in shock.

"I like to eat my marshmallows off of you. I like to eat my Meredith. Especially when she is sticky. Even more so when she is wet." Derek muttered as he greedily began licking her face. Meredith giggled loudly as he sucked and licked her face clean.

"You guys have issues." Kristy said as she shook her head.

"Yeah, we know" Derek told her as he pulled Meredith closer.

They all sat in the chairs by the fire. Meredith and Kristy on the respective laps. Meredith felt so warm and safe in Derek's arms. And Derek was feeling uneasy about his conversation with Kristy. He held Meredith closer as he kissed her head several times. It was so stupid. Just one little statement caused everyone upset to everyone, in a matter of seconds. They were all good now. All happy. But that secret... Well everyone knows what happens to secrets.

**The secret... How good it feels to know it.**


	117. Competition

Derek needed to say something to Meredith about her episode. But he was afraid. He knew her well enough that she would brush it off as if it were nothing. He knew that it would put a damper on their situation. He was pushing it off. It may not be right, but it was so.

"I think we are going to head in." Mark said with a smile as he stood up with Kristy.

"Night." Meredith and Derek answered as they looked up.

"Goodnight." Mark and Kristy answered with respective nods and smiles.

"Mmm... This is great, isn't it?" Meredith asked as she snuggled deeper into Derek's side and pulled the blanket around her.

"It is." Derek agreed as he buried his head into her neck. "How are you feeling?"

"Great. Relaxed." Meredith told him softly.

"Pregnant?" Derek asked quickly.

"Possibly." Meredith told him as she looked up. "Maybe. I think so. It's weird... But I just have this feeling. Maybe it's wishful thinking?"

"Or maybe you are. You would know before anyone else." Derek told her softly.

"I would. But I don't see any harm in trying again. We should make sure, you know." She pointed out as she twisted her body around and kissed him softly.

"You know me. I am all for the trying." Derek pointed out as he kissed her back.

"Mmm... Trying is good." She agreed as she stretched her neck. He loved to kiss her neck and she loved it when he did.

"I love trying." He told her as he sucked her harder.

"Trying is the best." She told him as she pulled off her layers of shirts.

"Trying here?" He asked, somewhat in shock.

"Trying on the ground. With the blanket." She suggested as she climbed off of his lap and threw the large blanket down on the ground, a safe distance from the fire.

"I like the blanket." Derek agreed as he pulled off his shirt and began to undo his pants.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as she laid down on the blanket on her back. Derek came down on top if her, hovering her body with his.

"You are amazing." Derek told her as he looked into her sparkling green eyes, the fire reflecting lightly.

"I want you, Derek." She told him as she arched her back. Derek traveled down to her chest and sucked her breast gently. His tongue traveled around her erect nipple, grazing it with her teeth.

Derek ran his lips between the valley of her breasts. Meredith moaned as he swirled her navel with his tongue. Meredith knew that she was pregnant. She knew. She knew it and no one could tell her otherwise. She just had that feeling. And having Derek touch her, only made her realize how perfect it would be.

The heat was building in her core. The closer Derek got, the more she could feel herself getting hot for him. She gasped as he ran his tongue down one wet lip and up the other. Her legs parted as he proceeded to taste her creamy white fluid, there just for him.

"Mmm... Honey, you taste like candy." Derek told her with a smile as he tongued her clitoris.

"Oh... Derek. Oh..." She panted as he teased her softly.

Derek abandoned her clitoris and delved his tongue deep into her hot core. His face buried deep into her pussy, he worked his long tongue in just the places that she loved. She bucked her hips as he sucked and tongued her clitoris until it was red and throbbing.

"Oh... Don't- Don't stop there... Keep... I'm cumming... Der, I'm... OH!" She cried as she flooded his mouth with her essence. Derek smirked as he began to drink her down. Meredith's body contracted and released as he felt the hot air from the flames washing over her. Derek's mouth traveled up to hers via her abdomen. As their tongues danced, she looked up into his eyes. It was perfection in his eyes. Everything was perfection.

"So... I think we should try." Derek told her as the head of his erect penis rubbed her leg.

"Yeah... Try... Definitely try." She agreed with a nod.

"Try..." Derek said breathlessly as he pushed her legs apart.

Derek laid between her legs and gently slid his thick and ready cock into her creamy core. Meredith let out a soft moan as he ease more and more of his generous girth into her. Her hands traveled along his sooth muscular back as he gently pushed and pulled a portion his himself into her. They could feel he hot fire on their skin, but it only enhanced the feelings between them. Meredith parted her legs further and pushed her hips up to him.

"Oh... Mmmm..." She moaned as he slid farther into her deep warm core.

"Oh... Baby you are perfect." Derek pointed out with a smile as he attacked her mouth with his.

"Faster..." She muttered into his mouth as she grabbed a handful of his ass with her hands and pulled him as hard as she could.

"Oh...God, Mer..." Derek grunted as he pushed and pulled, faster and faster. "Fuck!"

"Oh god... You are- Oh! There, harder, right there... Don't stop! Oh. Oh! Ah... I'm cumming, baby... I'm cumming!" She shouted as her walls contracted around his cock and her whole body tensed up. "Ohhh..." She moaned as she laid her head back and closed her eyes.

"Oh... Mer... I'm-" Derek stated before he shots his hot seeds deep into her core. Meredith laid back and mewed as another orgasms took her over the edge.

"Oh..." She murmured as she laid there, sweat beads forming over her body.

They both laid there comfortably connected as the fire began to die down. The sounds of nature rang out as they panted loudly. Meredith opened her eyes and looked up at the stars in the clear sky. A smile covered Derek's face as he looked at the stars in her eyes. If given a choice, he would only look at her eyes. The stars were nothing. She was his star. She was his perfection. For the rest of his life he would only look at her in awe.

"Mer..." Derek said softly as he laid beside her, covered with the half folded over blanket laying over them.

"Hmm?" She asked as she turned to her side and looked into his eyes.

"When were you going to tell me, honey?" He asked as he turned to his own side and propped himself on his elbow.

"Tell you what?" She asked with a faint smile.

"About the panic attacks." Derek asked her as he looked into her eyes, waiting for a reaction. "Don't do it... We don't lie to each other. And we don't avoid anymore..."

"I don't have them very often." Meredith admitted as she looked at him. "Just once in awhile. I don't freak out. I just panic for a second. I see or hear a car getting too close, and I panic."

"Oh, honey... Why couldn't you tell me?" Derek asked her with sadness in his eyes.

"It's something I deal with. I can handle it. I'm getting better. I haven't gotten hurt. And I'm okay... I can handle it." She told him.

"Meredith, I have to worry. I can't bear the thought of losing you, baby. And if you are panicking in the car, you could get into and accident. I can't worry every time you get into your car." Derek told her. "How often does it happen?"

"A few times a month. It's not like I- I don't know. I've gotten used to it. I don't get so scared. And I only blacked out that one time, so I-" She started.

"You blacked out?" He asked in shock.

"Just once. I- I was going to work, and it was raining. It was a 911 page. I hit the breaks and slid into the intersection. But the time I looked up, it was all a blur. I heard squealing brakes. Everything went black." She said as she teared up.

"Oh, Mer... This is the stuff- These are the things you need to tell me. How am I supposed to protect you when you keep things from me?" He asked as he stroked her cheeks.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Derek." Meredith admitted. "I don't know how to make it stop."

"It's post-traumatic stress, honey. You just need to talk to someone. Dr. Greyson is an expert in this. You need to talk about it. We need to fix this. I can't lose you over something stupid, Mer." Derek told her softly.

"Okay. I'll talk to him. For you, I will." She told him softly as he kissed her.

"Thank you." Derek said with a satisfied sigh. "Thank you."

They both laid there in the blanket in a comfortable silence. Derek wrapped Meredith in his strong arms as the fire crackled and turned into red embers. He could feel Meredith shiver as the air began to get chillier.

"Would you like to go in?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"I am." She agreed as she stood. "I think I'm ready for the next round."

"Me too." Derek said with a smile as he jumped out of the blanket.

Meredith and Derek kicked out the fire and gathered their discarded clothing. Meredith giggled all the way to the cabin as they made their naked mad dash inside. Derek smacked Meredith on the ass, causing her to cry out and giggle. They dropped their things in a pile and ran up the stairs to their loft.

"Shit..." Mark muttered as he looked over at Kristy. Their post sex fog was quickly being ruined.

"Oh... Just let them have some fun." She said as she kissed him softly. "You know, soon enough we will be an aunt and uncle. And they won't be having sex like that anymore."

"Shows what you know... Their kid will be the soundest sleeper in the history of man." Mark told her with a chuckle as he pulled her naked body against his.

Mark never thought he would end up with Kristy. In fact, she was the opposite of everything he ever wanted. When Meredith suggested that he take her on a date, he literally laughed. She was quiet and proper. She was kind and innocent. He liked a woman that had fire. In bed. He wanted to hot girl that could go round after round with him. But being with her, that part of him died down. He'd never admit it, but he liked the cuddling.

"Derek!" Meredith giggled as he pounced on her.

"What do you want, honey?" Derek asked with fire in his eyes.

"You know what I like." Meredith said with a smile.

"You are an odd girl." Derek pointed out at he licked her marshmallow sweet face.

"That I am..." She agreed as she laid on her back and looked up at him.

"On your stomach." Derek told her firmly as he rolled her over. "Get on your hands and knees." He told her.

"Mmm..." Meredith said with a smile as she climbed to her hands and knees.

Derek sat back and looked at her in her vulnerable position. This was how she liked it. It was how she always liked it. He liked to look in here eyes when he fucked her. But she liked it from behind. That's what she wanted, and he would give it to her. Derek looked down at her beautiful pink center. She looked back at him with a smile.

"Well?" She asked as she spread her legs.

"Just checking out the merchandise." Derek told her as he ran his hand down her ass cheek and to her wet pussy. He could see her dripping in anticipation. His finger ran down and delved deep inter her center, feeling her excitement.

"Just do it, baby. Just fuck me hard. You know what I want." She told him as she pushed against his fingers.

"Tell me what you want..." Derek said with a grin.

"I want you." Meredith said softly.

"No, Mer... Tell exactly what you want me to do to you." Derek told her loudly. "What do you want?" He asked in a raised voice.

"I want you to fuck me! Shove that thick cock inside me and give it to me hard. Fuck me, Derek!" She shouted loudly. "Oh god, just do it!" She yelled again.

Derek smiled at her urgency. He quickly slid his cock into her core. He rammed her hard, causing her to scream out in pain and pleasure. She gasped over and over as he threw his body against hers.

"Fuck, Mer. Your pussy is so fucking tight!" Derek said loudly.

Oh, my god... Did he- Did she- Did they just say that?" Kristy asked as she laid there, blushing.

"That is nothing." Mark told her. "The dirty talk hadn't even started." Mark told her.

At first it was funny. To listen to them as they cried out in pleasure. It only turned Mark on as he listened to the grunting and panting of the pair as their headboard slammed against the wall in a repetitive rhythm. They could hear Meredith begging Derek for more.

"More... Derek... I want your cock." Meredith shouted as she spread her legs. "Deeper, damn-it!"

"If I- I get any... Deeper... It will come out of your mouth!" He warned as he pushed into her core.

"Oh, god, Derek! Fuck... Harder. Spank me!" She shouted. Derek leaned back and gave her a hard whack on the ass, causing her to cry out.

"They are insane." Kristy said in shock. "They are nuts."

"They get into some freaky positions." Mark admitted. "Mer is bendy."

"And how do you know that?" Kristy spat as she looked over at him with a glare.

"Men talk." Mark explained to her with a smirk. "And I think I want to fuck you..."

"Oh, Mark..." Kristy whined.

"Come on..." Mark said with a smile as he rolled on top of her.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Meredith screamed as Derek hot her over and over. She squeezed her inner walls against him, causing him to cry out.

"Oh! Fuck, Mer! You are fucking- Oh..." Derek shouted. "Cum for me, baby..."

"I'm cumming... Oh god... OH!" She yelled as she came quick, flooding his cock with her juices.

"Oh god..." Derek spat as he slide harder and faster inside of her. His mouth worked on her back as he let out animalistic growls. "Fuck... Cumming..." Was all he could get out before he flooded her with his cum. They both stopped motion as Derek laid over her, his excess pouring out of her.

"Oh..." She moaned as she felt him twitching inside of her. "Mmm..." She muttered as he pulled out and they collapsed. They both laid there with satisfied smiled on their faces before it hit them.

"Oh Mark, Oh Mark!" Kristy whimpered softly.

"Oh fuck, baby... Fuck." Mark spat out.

"Oh fuck, kill me know." Derek said with a sigh.

"Why is it so disgusting?" Meredith asked as she looked at him and giggled.

"Because it's Mark and Kristy. Let them have their fun. We will have so much more." Derek told her.

Mark and Kristy laid back on their bed and smiled. They were exhausted from their efforts. Kristy laid there happily until she realized what was going on. They were still going. She had Derek, and he never had that kind of staying power. One round and they were done. But he and Meredith... It shocked her.

"Mer... You are tight baby. And wet." Derek yelled as he pushed her against the railing on the loft. Meredith had her leg thrown up in a contorted fashion as Derek hit her over and over again.

"They are close." Kristy said quickly as she looked around.

"No... I don't think so. They still have some time left." Mark said with a pathetic sigh.

"No, Mark... They are close. Really close. Close by. I think they are outside our door." Kristy muttered. "This is shit. This is fucking bullshit. I would like some sleep. Oh god... There he goes again. He grunts. What the hell is that? Is he an animal?"

"The way she is yelling, I'm thinking so." Mark pointed out.

"I'm going to bed. I'm going to TRY." She shouted as she covered her head with the pillow and let out a cry of disgust. It wouldn't stop anytime soon. It never did.

**You have to admit, this cabin stuff is fun... :) Review... This fic is getting long. Is it losing it's momentum yet?**


	118. Hopeful

Meredith looked at the bedside clock. It was so early. But she could be a nice wife and attempt to make her husband breakfast. How nice would it be for him to come back after an early morning of fishing to a nice warm meal? Meredith stumbled down the stairs from the loft. She didn't hear a sound as she walked. Maybe Kristy was still sleeping.

She wasn't sleeping. Kristy was sitting at the table, slumped over a cup of black coffee, looking rather rough. Meredith frowned as she stared at her. She had bags under her eyes, her hair was a mess. It was a bad thing. Kristy not chipper and happy. Bad. She looked simply terrible.

"Morning, Kris." Meredith said with a smile as she walked in.

"Morning." Kristy grumbled as she glanced up.

"You okay?" Meredith asked softly as she pulled out the carton of orange juice.

"How can you not drink coffee?" Kristy snapped as she looked up. "After last night..."

"I can't. Baby." Meredith told her with a nod. "I am not taking any chances here."

"Oh yeah..." Kristy agreed, remembering what it was all about.

"So, I'm sure the guys will probably want some breakfast. And I am thinking pancakes." Meredith told her with a smile as she pulled out the box, and then rustled through the refrigerator for the canadian bacon.

"And can you make said breakfast?" Kristy asked as she looked up.

"Well, I was kind of hoping you would help me... Please?" Meredith asked with a faint smile.

"Fine." Kristy grumbled as she stood up.

"Are you okay?" Meredith questioned again as she pulled out a mixing bowl and spoon.

"Just tired. No sleep, you know..." She stated frankly with a nod.

"Oh... Late night." Meredith said with a giggle.

"Not because of me. Not at my own choice." Kristy pointed out.

"Oh. Derek and I... Sorry." Meredith said meekly as she looked up.

"Yeah." Kristy said coldly as she poured the batter into the bowl.

She was mad, but she really couldn't be. Apparently Meredith and Derek were being themselves. It's not as if they were doing it because they were out to get her. They were just doing the things they normally did, and Meredith and Derek's pattern did not match hers and Mark's. Kristy just smiled, she would get her revenge tonight.

"Okay, so how do we do this?" Meredith asked with a smile as she looked up at her.

"Well, you pour the batter into the warm pan..." She told her as she handed her the bowl. "The size you want the pancake..."

"Okay." Meredith said as she nearly jumped up and down at her accomplishment.

"Then when they start to bubble, I want you to flip it. That's how you know... I will start the canadian bacon." Kristy told her as she pulled out the pan and the package.

"It's ready!" Meredith said happily as she flipped. "Or not. Shit! What did I do?"

"You didn't wait long enough!" kristy explained as she looked down. "Bubbles."

"There were bubbles." Meredith argued as Kristy tossed the pancakes into the trash.

"How many?" Kristy asked.

"Two." Meredith told her meekly.

"Two!" Kristy said quickly. "No, Mer! You need several. The whole thing has to be covered in bubbles."

"Oh." Meredith muttered as she looked up at her.

"Try again." She told her softly.

"I'm sorry." Meredith said with a sigh as she looked up.

"Not a problem, honey." Kristy said with a smile.

Meredith successfully made a whole batch of pancakes. Just as they were setting it down on the table, Mark and Derek walked in, each holding a large trout. Meredith looked up in disgust. She liked the taste of the fish, but she didn't want to see it beforehand. And she didn't want to smell the stinky trout.

"You cooked!" They both said happily to Kristy.

"Mer cooked." She said with a smile as she looked over.

"Oh." They both replied in disappointment.

"Asses!" Meredith spat as she punched them both in their arms. "And get that fish out of the house." She yelled as she pointed to the door.

"We need to clean it." Mark said quickly as he walked towards her.

"Not in the house! Out! Get out of here." She told them as she shoved them out. "Do that outside!"

"You're no fun." Derek said as he leaned in and kissed her. "Good morning."

"Good morning. Now go. No trout in the house." She told him as she pointed. "Not until it looks like it could be cooked."

The boys went outside for a few minutes and came back in minus their waders and fishing gear and minus the trout. Derek sniffled the air and had a satisfied looked on his face. They all sat down at the table and took bites of their food.

"Wow, it's edible." Mark said in shock.

"How much did you throw out before you were successful?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"One batch." Meredith said almost in a whisper.

"I'm proud of you, honey. At least now we have two choices. Hamburger casserole and pancakes." Derek pointed out.

"Funny, Derek. Really funny." She grumbled loudly as she took another bite.

"You know I love you." Derek told her with a smile.

"I know you do." Meredith said with a smile as they all ate their perfect breakfast.

--------------------

Kristy was obviously dragging. She was exhausted. She wasn't the type of person that could go without sleep. She was an eight hour a night sleeper. On the weekend, she got more, if possible. And she was thinking that during this vacation, she would get a whole lot more than he could imagine. She had never been so wrong in her life.

She was getting testy. She never got testy. She was kind and sweet. She wasn't rude. She didn't jump down people's throats. But she was ready. She was ready to fly off the handle at any moment. She stood in the living room and looked out the window in anger.

"What are you looking at?" Mark asked with a smile as he came up and wrapped his arms around her.

"Two assholes out there sleeping." Kristy growled as she looked out.

"My girl is getting testy, is she?" Mark asked with a smirk.

"Yeah. I can't imagine why?" Kristy snapped as she looked up.

"Ah, let them be." Mark muttered as he looked out at Meredith and Derek laying in the hammock together.

"You sure have had change of heart." Kristy pointed out with a sigh.

"Yeah. That's what daily sex will do for you." Mark told her with a chuckle.

"And you are a man-whore." Kristy pointed out.

"Hey, I never tried to deny that." Mark replied with a chuckle.

"I know you didn't... I think that's why I love you." She told him quickly. "Hey, maybe we should take a page out of their book..." She suggested as she pulled him over to the sofa and pushed him down.

"Now that is a good idea." Mark agreed as he pulled her on top of him and hugged her body.

Meredith's tiny body felt perfect in Derek's arms. He had that feeling. So did she. She had the maternal feeling. He could tell just by the way she was acting. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Maybe it was in her head. But she was feeling it. And he was hopeful.

All Derek could think about was the life inside of her. If it was there, they were so lucky. He laid there with his hands on her abdomen, having dreams about what it would be like. He couldn't weight until her stomach was huge and her feet were swollen. He would be more than happy to hold her hair back when the morning sickness took over. He couldn't wait.

A smile covered his face as he laid there. He couldn't wait to hold his son or daughter in his arms. He wanted a baby that looked just like her. A spitting image. He wanted the honey blonde hair and the green eyes. And they perfect little nose. That was what he wanted. And he was hoping that was what he would get.

"What are you thinking about?" Meredith asked softly as she looked up at Derek.

"You." He told her softly as he looked down and kissed her. "You and our baby."

"Oh, Der..." Meredith said softly. "Don't get your hopes up."

"Too late." Derek told her softly. "I'm already in love."

"Derek..." Meredith moaned as she looked at him. "Please don't do that."

"Mer... What? Be happy? Be hopeful?" He asked with a ting of hurt.

"Yes. I mean no. Derek, things they don't always work out. And in my life, I have realized that more often than not, they don't. So don't get your hopes up. It makes being crushed so much better." Meredith explained. Derek looked down at her with a frown and shook his head. "What?"

"It's just sad, that's all." Derek said quickly. "You of all people should know. You of all people should have hope. And you don't. Mer, we made it. You and I, we are together. What else do you need to prove that sometimes it does work out? There are cases of happily ever after. And I chose to believe this is ours. And if you don't... I don't know what to say. Other than it is sad, and I hope some day you will." Derek told her softly.

"Derek." Meredith said as a tear slid down her cheek. "I... I'm afraid of getting my hopes up, okay?" She explained defensively.

"Mer, sometimes you have to get your hopes up. And sometimes things don't work out. But when they do, it's the best feeling in the world." Derek told her as he ran his fingers through her hair.

"Are you mad at me?" She asked in fear.

"Mer, you know I could never be mad at you." He told her as he kissed her softly.

"But you're sad..." Meredith pointed out.

"Yeah. A little. But it's okay. I just can't help but think- Never mind." He told her with a smile. "I love you."

"What, Derek? What do you think?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"I... I just- Honey, you need to have some hope. You need to. This baby needs you to be happy and hopeful. Not expecting the worst." Derek told her softly.

"You're right..." Meredith agreed with a sigh. "You are right."

"I love you baby... No matter what, I do love you." Derek told her as he kissed her head.

His stomach knotted up. He felt sick. She was giving up. She was emotionally mixed up. He knew why. There was no way her couldn't. She lost two babies. She had two traumatic experiences, even if she only remembered the one. And she was happy. He could tell by the way she rubbed her possibly empty stomach, that she did care. But at the same time, she was distancing herself. It hurt to see her so conflicted.

Meredith understood how Derek felt. She understood what he was thinking. But he needed to understand how she felt. She was so afraid of getting her hopes up. She was terrified of what she did before. She got the nursery ready. She purchased a baby safe car. She made all the steps. And then she was crushed. And she was so afraid it would happen again.

Everyone laid in their respective spots. Mark loved the feel of Kristy sleeping in his arms. And Derek couldn't sleep without Meredith. They all laid there having their own dreams and fantasies of what was to some, and what had already. But of course, they were laying there for the most important reason. They all needed to rest up. Revenge sex was on the agenda.

**Merry Christmas to all who celebrate! **


	119. Big Fight

The group spent their day relaxing. They had to relax. They had to rest up. Mark and Kristy were bound and determined to show Meredith and Derek up. Kristy wanted them to see just how much she and Mark had been suffering during their recent activities. Kristy had no idea what she was getting into. She had no idea how much of seasoned pros Meredith and Derek really were.

To Meredith and Derek, sex was fun. It was a never ending adventure. It was an adventure to see just how far they could push it. It was their erotic playtime They knew each other's bodies better than they knew their own. Meredith and Derek could close their eyes and see every inch of flesh.

Meredith laid her head back in the bathtub. They had just finished up a roast chicken dinner that Kristy had prepared. She prepared a big meal. She was most likely trying to give herself an unfair advantage. Not often did Meredith and Derek get a good home cooked meal. She was hoping they would be tired and full. Little did she know, nothing stopped them. Not once they started.

"Hey..." Derek said softly as he walked by the bathroom. "How are you feeling?"

"Relaxed." Meredith said with a sigh as she glanced up. "Completely relaxed."

"That's good." Derek told her with a nod as she turned to walk away.

"Join me." She told him as she looked up. "Please?"

"Like you really have to beg..." Derek replied with a smirk as he pulled off his shirt.

"I would beg. If I had to..." Meredith told him with a giggle.

"Oh..." Derek moaned as he slid into the water across from her. "This is great." He moaned as he leaned back and closed his eyes.

"Now you know that is not why I invited you in here, correct?" She asked with raised brows.

"Did you call me in here for your own guilty pleasure?" Derek muttered as he looked across at her through heavy lids.

"Maybe I did." Meredith replied softly as she ran her foot along his thigh.

"I figured as much, Mrs. Shepherd. You see, I know exactly how you work." Derek explained as his own leg rubbed against hers. She could feel his foot rub along her mound. She rolled her eyes back and laid her head against the bathtub.

"Mmm... Oh, Derek." She moaned softly.

"Do you like that?" He asked with a smile.

"Oh god, yes." She cried softly.

"Well, than you will really like this." Derek told her with a grin as he disappeared under the water. Meredith's eyes got wide as he felt his mouth against her clitoris. He began letting out tiny air bubbles that teased and tantalized her.

"Oh! Oh god Derek!" She cried out as she began giggling uncontrollably. "Stop! Stop it!" She cried as she began wiggling around. "Ah!" Meredith yelled as he continued on, ignoring her pleas.

"How was that?" Derek asked with a smile as his head popped up form the bubbles. Meredith laughed at him in front of her, his hair all water logged and a pile of bubbles on his head.

"That was... Ticklish." She told him with a loud giggle.

"Well, this will be a little less ticklish. And a little more..." He muttered before going back under the water.

"Oh!" She gasped as she felt his tongue lapping quickly at her clit. "Oh god!" She shouted as he continued. Even as she pulled herself away, he pressed forward into her. Derek could feel her walls closing in around his tongue as he ran it from her lips to her clit over and over again. "Oh... Oh God... I'm cumming, Derek. Oh!" She yelled as she grasped the side of the tub and thrust her hips. Meredith laid her head back and closed her eyes. She could hear Derek gasping for breath as he came up.

"Well..." He muttered breathlessly. "That is not as much fun as you would think..."

"Why is that?" Meredith asked as she came down from her high and looked at him through glazed eyes.

"I nearly died down there. Though, I must admit, If I had to die, I couldn't think of a better place." He said with a grin. "I didn't get to taste you..." He whined as he looked up, his hair a pile of curls.

"Oh there will be tasting." Meredith said with a giggle. "Tonight, lots of tasting."

"Why wait for tonight?" Derek asked with a smirk.

"You do make an excellent point, Dr. Shepherd." Meredith told him with a giggle.

Meredith turned around and sat in Derek's lap, pressing her back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and rested him hands on her abdomen. A smile crossed her face as she placed her hands over his and nestled her head in into his string chest. Meredith and Derek laid in the hot water until it began to cool.

"Why don't you go get in the bed?" Derek suggested with a smile as he pushed the drain.

"If I can muster up the strength." She joked, the hot water having taken every once of energy. Not to mention the orgasm. That took it's own stock.

"I could carry you." Derek told her. "But then again, if you can't walk to the bed, you definitely won't be able to partake in our scheduled activities."

"We wouldn't want that." Meredith said with a smile as she climbed out of the water and wrapped a robe around herself.

Meredith walked over to the bed and laid down. She was tired. All of they sleeping she had done, and she was still tired. Part of it was the lack of sleep they had been getting during the night. She pulled the sheets back and laid her head on the plush pillow. A grin formed on her face as she saw Derek walking towards her.

"My, my... Dr. Shepherd." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up at him. "Don't you look... Ready."

"Ready, yes." Derek agreed as he walked over to the bed and looked down at her. "And you my dear, are not." He told her softly. Derek grabbed her ankles and slid her down to the end of the bed. "But you will be." Derek told her as bent down and undid the tie on her robe. Meredith gasped as he feathered his hands over her soft skin as he parted it, pushing the material to the side.

"Derek..." Meredith muttered softly as she looked up at him.

"I love you, baby." Derek told her with a nod as he pulled her closer to him. Meredith's legs fell against the bed, knees bent, as he pressed his hard cock against her.

"Please." She moaned as she parted her legs for him. Derek leaned back and looked at her pink wet core. Derek let out a grin as he rubbed the head of his cock against her wet lips and slowly slid it in. "Oh..." She gasped as she felt his length slid into her, filling her to the brink.

"You like that, honey?" Derek asked with a smirk as he pushed and pulled his length. Meredith gasped as he pulled out and reentered her with haste.

"It's- It's- Oh god! Oh God...Derek..." She spat loudly as he grasped her thighs and continually drove into her. "Faster baby... Faster."

"I- Oh..." Derek grunted as he quickened his pace and pushed into her.

"Oh god... Oh! There... Don't stop now... Oh...Oh...Oh... Ahhh..." She moaned as he slowed down, dragging it out.

"Oh god... Mer, you are so fucking tight! Fuck, babe!" He yelled. "Cum for me, honey...Do it."

"Fuck me... Harder... Ah! Oh!" Meredith yelled as she laid her head back and thrust her hips. "Oh god...I'm cumming. I'm- I'm...Oh!" She yelled as her eyes rolled back in her head and she lost all sense of reality. Her warm essence washed over him, flooding him in pleasure.

"Shit... I'm cumming. Fuck... You are- Uh." Derek grunted loudly as he thrust into her and filled her with his seeds. Derek leaned against her, fighting the urge for his knees to buckle. They both remained in silence as strong contractions took them both over.

"Oh god." Meredith muttered in disgust. "Mark is doing his grunt."

"Oh god..." Derek moaned as he rolled his eyes.

-----------------

It was a long night. A long never ending night. Mark and Kristy tried. They couldn't do it. They couldn't keep up. Mark was going to have to admit it eventually. Derek was definitely the man. He had the stamina. He had the staying power. He was the energizer bunny. He lasted longer that the batteries in Kristy's vibrator. Derek. Man. Possibly a sex god.

"I can't take it. I cannot take anymore. I'm- Ah! This is fucked. I'm going up there." Kristy said as she began to crawl out of bed.

"Kris! No. You can't- Just- They will stop." Mark said quickly.

"No, Mark. It has gotten ridiculous. If I didn't know better, I would think there was a team up there. A fucking orgy. They never stop. How is that possible? You have to stop eventually! God. I hope Derek's dick fucking falls off. I hope his balls explode. I hope his balls explode and deflate. I hope he goes flaccid. Permanently flaccid. Fucking prick." Kristy spat angrily.

"Whoa babe. Calm down. You have got to calm down." Mark said frankly as he grabbed her.

"No, Mark. I don't have to fucking calm down! I haven't slept. I have not slept a full night in so long. I just want some sleep, Mark." She cried out. "And to cut his balls off."

"Why the hostility against Derek? Mer is just as guilty." Mark pointed out frankly.

"No. It's Derek. And I... Listen to that." She paused as she went silent.

The headboard. The bedsprings. The bed sounded like it was jumping off of the floor. The moans. The cries. The praising. The begging. It never ended. And Kristy was to that point. She was over the edge.

"I'm going." She said as she pulled away from him and stood up.

"But- You might see-" Mark said quickly.

"Mark. He was my husband. And Meredith doesn't have anything I don't have. I have seen it all. This ends now." She yelled as she stormed off.

Kristy's feet pounded on every step as she stormed up the stairs. It only got louder as she neared. She could hear Derek grunting. Over and over. And Meredith was letting out soft mews. Kristy's eyes got wide as she approached. Derek was crouched down, pounding Meredith with her feet behind her back. She didn't even know how they were doing it. She stood there in a stunned silence. Then it hit her. Why she was there.

"This is fucking bullshit!" Kristy yelled as she stood there with her hands on her hips.

"Kristy! What the fuck?" Derek yelled angrily as he looked up. "Get the fuck out of here!" He screamed.

"No! No. I am fucking tired of this you assholes! I am tired. I'm so fucking tired. And you don't stop. You never stop. I just want it to stop. I think you are done..." Kristy trailed off as she looked at Derek, still going along.

"Der..." Meredith muttered coming out of her sex haze. She looked up in shock. She panicked and grabbed a blanket, covering them. "Stop. Oh god!" She moaned, totally losing whatever she had building.

"Fuck." Derek spat as he pulled out angrily. "Thanks a lot." He growled. "What the fuck do you want?"

"You have to stop. You have got to stop. It's three a.m. People are trying to sleep. And you two just keep banging away. I have got to get some sleep. You are going to stop. And you are going to bed." Kristy demanded.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Derek muttered as he quickly pulled on his pajama pants. Meredith threw her robe on.

"Fuck you, Derek. You aren't going to stand here and bully me. Do you hear me, you bastard?" Kristy yelled.

"You don't talk to him like that!" Meredith yelled. "Who do you think you are?"

"If you don't like it... Leave." Derek told her as he pointed at the door.

"Mark!" Kristy shouted loudly.

"Fuck..." Mark muttered as he walked out.

"Get your stuff. We are leaving." Kristy yelled as she stormed down the stairs.

"What? What the hell happened?" Mark asked in shock.

"We are leaving. Pack up your shit." Kristy yelled as she walked into her room.

"There's only one problem with that, hon." Mark said with a frown.

"WHAT?" She yelled angrily.

"We have no car." Mark said meekly.

"Fuck!" She screamed loudly. "Why? Why?" She pleaded in sleep deprived frustration.

"Kristy... You are being fucking ridiculous." Derek spat nastily. "You know what, we invited you..."

"Oh really?" Mark spat. "Well we didn't sign on for the sexpolooza."

"Well, it's our cabin. And we can do whatever we want. If you don't like it, Derek is right... You can leave." Meredith spat nastily.

"Oh... Just because you rented a cabin doesn't make it yours!" Kristy yelled.

"It's ours. I bought it. Well I didn't-" Meredith started. Derek looked at her in surprise.

"You bought the cabin?" Derek asked in shock. Mark and Kristy smirked, Meredith was going to get into trouble.

"Well, I- We didn't buy it. Not yet. I agreed to buy it. The owner called when I actually got in a service area. He asked if we liked it. I told them we did. Then he mentioned it was for sale. We agreed on a price, and it's ours." Meredith told him with a smile.

"Good for you, babe!" Derek said with a smile.

"What?" Mark asked.

"You're not mad?" Kristy asked with a frown.

"Of course not. If Meredith likes it and wants it. She can have it." Derek said frankly. "My baby gets what she wants." He told them as he kissed her.

"Well this is bullshit. We're leaving in the morning. Oh fuck, it is morning. Apparently the sex never ended." Kristy spat. "Sleep never started."

"Oh, and you guys are so perfect. If I have to hear you fucking chirp one more time, I'm going to gag." Meredith said nastily.

"It's not a chirp. It sounds like a small animal being attacked." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Oh, and Mark with his grunt, grunt, grunt." Meredith yelled.

"And Derek is so much better." Kristy responded rudely.

"I don't do anything!" Derek said defensively.

"You groan. Grunt, breathe, breathe, groan, grunt, breathe, breathe, groan." Meredith explained with a nod. "But it's adorable."

"Well, you are a screamer. And you guys are freaks. I don't even want to know the freaky shit you do up there." Kristy told them in disgust.

They all stood there in silence. A lot was said. Some rude words. Some unkind things. Some people were hurt. Some were angry. Things were said. Derek was angry about being blue balled. If he hit woman, Kristy would be on the floor. Meredith was mad that Kristy thought she could tell them what to do. Kristy was angry at the lack of sleep and the the lack of respect. And Mark, he was just shocked.

So there they all stood. Looking at the floor. That was until someone laughed. They looked up at Mark who was laughing wholeheartedly. Then Derek joined in. Before they knew it, everyone was laughing until their stomachs hurt.

"Oh my god..." Kristy said with a smile. "We are nuts."

"We are." Meredith agreed. "I'm so sorry."

"This is stupid. We're adults. Why the hell can't we all get along?" Mark asked as he shook his head.

"This has snowballed out of control." Derek admitted with a smile.

"Okay. This is... We're okay." Kristy said with a smile.

"Yeah." Meredith said with a smile as they hugged each other. "We'll be quiet. We'll go to bed." Derek looked over at her. "Der... Five is enough in one night." She told him frankly.

"Okay." Derek agreed with a frown as he pouted.

"Goodnight, guys." Meredith said with a smile as she walked up the stairs.

"Night..." They all muttered. Mark walked into his room, leaving Derek and Kristy standing there.

"Night. And sorry." Kristy muttered.

"Night. Hey Kris..." Derek said as she walked away.

"Yeah." Kristy asked as she glanced up.

"If you ever stop me mid-orgasm again, I am not responsible for what I do." He said with a smirk.

"I'll try not to." She said with a chuckle as she disappeared.

Derek walked up to the room. Meredith was already in the bed, under the thick covers and snoring loudly. He felt slightly guilty. She had obviously been tired. He slowly crawled into the bed and pulled her naked body close to his. For the first night, they all fell asleep. And stayed that way.

**So yes, it was odd that Kristy went up into their room. But she didn't expect to find that. Normal people aren't in M/erDer positions. And she is a bit jealous...How could she not be?**

**Please review!**


	120. Back to Reality

The fight changed a lot of things. They all got a newfound respect for each other after they witnessed how each of them could really be. Meredith and Derek were shocked at Kristy's anger. And Kristy was shocked at how wild and crazy Meredith and Derek could truly be. And Mark, he wasn't surprised about any of it. He just staying the middle. And ally to both sides. That was best place to be.

"Well we know we will be coming back here." Derek muttered as he folded his clothing and began placing it in his bag.

"That's true. You're not mad, are you?" Meredith asked with a concerned look on her face.

"Not at all. I was actually thinking we needed a place like this. Something simple. A place to bring the kids." He pointed out as he looked up at her.

"Kids..." Meredith repeated as she worked on her packing. "I really like it up here. It's so relaxing. It's simple."

"I agree. It's perfect. Although I am a bit concerned." Derek admitted as he looked up at her.

"What? Does it have termites? Oh god... Is it really falling apart? Don't tell me I bought a shack." She told him quickly as she looked around.

"No. It's structurally sound. But I'm afraid it won't be big enough. Now it is... But when he have the herd..." Derek said with a smile.

"A herd? What the hell do you think I am? A horse?" Meredith asked with wide eyes.

"Yeah, a herd. I was a bunch of mini-Mers running around." Derek said with a nod. "That's what I see in our future."

"Okay... So you want a herd. What exactly is a herd, Derek?" Meredith asked quickly.

"I don't know... Six?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Six? Are you fucking crazy?" She shouted. "I am not pushing six kids out of my vagina. Are you going to carry them inside of you for nine months? Are you going to push them out of your penis?" Meredith asked frankly.

"First of all, you know if I could help you in that department, I would. And secondly, I think my penis would be a small fit for screaming babies to crawl out of." Derek pointed out.

"Oh yes... So your penis is small?" Meredith asked with a smile.

"No. Honey, I think you know better than that." Derek told her with a chuckle.

"I was going to say... If you could fit children through there, then we have a problem. Microscopic children, or a rather unimaginably large penis. And I must say, that large is not a turn on." She told him frankly as she walked into the bathroom.

"It's the route from the inside to the outside that is the problem. Not to mention, how do you think the birth video would be explained? Here kids, you came out of daddy's pee-pee." Derek said with a chuckle.

"What are you, two? Pee-pee?" Meredith said with a giggle.

"Okay, so we'll say, "Here you are, coming out of daddy's gigantic cock."" Derek said with a snicker. Meredith laughed as she walked up and smacked him.

"Funny, Derek." She responded with a giggle. "This isn't even an issue. You will be doing none of the work. You will be having all the fun." Meredith said with a sigh. "And my vagina is not a cave. I swear if they are born with your head, we will have problems." Derek looked down at his crotch and smiled. "The one on your shoulders." She sneered as she looked at him and shook her head.

"I was going to say... Lucky little shits." Derek said with a smile.

"Well, that would be a problem. Seeing as we are having all girls." Meredith told him with a smile.

"All girls?" Derek asked with frown. "I don't think so."

"Oh yes, all girls." Meredith said with a nod. "All girls."

"Oh no. Boys. Or boys and girls. We won't stop until we get boys." Derek told frankly.

"You're no fun, Dr. Shepherd." Meredith said with a nod.

"Wrong. I am so much fun. That is why you keep me around, Dr. Shepherd." Derek told her as he leaned in and kissed her.

"Maybe." She said with a smile.

"We could have some fun right now." Derek suggested as he pulled her close.

"Could. But we can't. No time. We need to get home. I think we are all in need of some rest before work tomorrow." Meredith told him as she placed her hand on his chest and pulled away.

"You may have a point, Mrs. Shepherd." Derek agreed with a smile.

-----------------

Everyone lazily piled into the Jeep. They were all feeling tired. They were all feeling stretched thin. Derek was not looking forward to driving all the way home. And he was the driver. Damn Mark didn't even offer to drive home. So it was Derek driving while everyone else rested. He looked back at Meredith. God he loved her. And he was so lucky.

Derek couldn't wait to go back there. But this time they were going without Mark and Kristy. They did all of the paperwork. Everything was set. The cabin was officially there's forever. Meredith made a good decision in taking the big step. They were the proud owners of a cabin. The perfect getaway.

"So was it horrible?" Meredith asked as she looked at Mark and Kristy.

"No, I had a good time. A really good time. Albeit a little loud. And slightly sleep deprived." Kristy said with a giggle. "But really, it was great. But I think we learned a valuable lesson."

"Separate cabins." Derek said frankly. "Because we are never doing that again."

"Oh, Derek!" Meredith said with a frown. "You're just sour because you haven't marathon sex. There is more to life than sex."

"Oh honey, that's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. Is it not?" Derek asked her with a chuckle.

"Possibly." Meredith said with a smirk as he placed her hand on her abdomen.

Kristy looked over at Meredith and smiled. Meredith looked so at ease and comfortable as she sat there. Kristy was wondering if she was indeed pregnant. If she was, it made it all worth it. All the sleepless nights would be worth it if Meredith and Derek would finally be able to have their family.

"How are you feeling?" Kristy asked as she looked over at Meredith with a smile.

"What? What's wrong?" Derek asked in a panic as he looked back.

"Derek, I'm fine." Meredith said with a smile. "I feel great."

"You are looking maternal." Mark said with a sigh. "I think our baby is having a baby." He said frankly. Meredith and Derek caught each other's eye and smiled.

"When are you going to quit calling me the baby?" Meredith asked, as she feigned pouting.

"When you get older than me." Mark said with a nod.

"But I'll never get older than you." Meredith said quickly.

"Exactly. You will always be the baby." Mark said with a smile. "I'll never forget the first time I saw you..." Mark said with a chuckle. "All gangly and long legged."

"Oh yeah... Tell the story like it is." Derek warned. "He was going to pick you up. Or at least try to. That is until Addie shouted to him. Just think, you could have been stuck with Mark." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Oh yeah. Like that would have worked." Meredith said with a chuckle.

"Ah... It is true. You were smoking hot. Until I got close, and realized you were just a baby. Derek robbed the cradle." Mark said with a chuckle.

"I did not." Derek said frankly. "Okay, maybe I did a little. But it's not my fault. Mer lied to me about her age."

"I did not lie. I just failed to tell you." Meredith said with a giggle.

"That among any other things." Derek muttered.

"Haha funny." Meredith said as she rolled her eyes.

"Once I realized what I had done, I had to keep her." Derek said with a grin.

"You're an ass." Meredith told him frankly.

"I try, baby... I try." Derek told her with a nod.

"I can't help it. I found you irresistible. I had to give it to you." Meredith said quickly. "All of it."

"Mer..." Derek said quickly.

Derek had always had issues with that particular subject. He felt guilty for taking Meredith's virginity. Not really so much guilty. It was actually more of an embarrassment. He didn't know until it was too late. And had he known, they would have waited. And he would have been more caring and gently. He didn't like to talk about it.

"Oh come on, Derek." Meredith said with a smile. "It was good. You were sweet."

"Meredith... Enough about it." Derek told her quickly.

"Wow." Kristy said simply. "Was it really that bad?"

"It's none of your business. Not yours. Not Marks. Drop it, okay." Derek told them.

Everyone got silent and sat there. Meredith was a little perturbed with Derek. He brought it up. And then it had to be dropped. Nothing more could be said. Meredith didn't regret it. She never had. Her time with Derek that night was good. She could never regret one moment with him. Not even the bad times. Not even the fights.

--------------

As soon as the Jeep was parked in the garage, Mark and Kristy were out. They couldn't wait to get home. They couldn't wait to go to their own home and sleep in complete silence. They quickly grabbed their bags and dragged them to Mark's car. They had to get out of there. Apparently there was too much of a good thing.

"So, thanks a lot. We had a great time." Kristy said with a nod and smile as she hugged both Meredith and Derek.

"Yes, it was great. We'll have to try it again sometime soon." Mark told them with a nod.

"It was. And we'd love to do it again." Meredith replied with a nod as she opened the door and shoved them out.

Meredith and Derek had never been so happy to see their friends leave. They both stood by the window looking out. Mark drove out of their driveway like he was feeling the same way. Had their driveway been stone, they'd had holes in their house.

"We are never doing that again." Derek said quickly.

"You're right about that." Meredith said with a stern face. "I never want to hear Mark moan again. Never."

"Are you kidding? It sounded like he was killing her. Like he was beating the small animal to death." Derek pointed out with a laugh.

"I know. It was disgusting. Like he had his foot on her. Like he was squeezing the life out of her." Meredith explained with a laugh.

"Uh huh." Derek agreed with a smile.

Meredith grabbed the bags of their dirty laundry and started dragging them down the stairs. Derek ran up from behind her and grabbed them from her hands. She knew what he was doing. He was helping because of her back or because of the possible pregnancy.

"I'm okay. I can handle some laundry Derek." She said as he walked up to the washing machine where Derek had tossed them down.

"Now that is arguable." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Funny... You know, if you keep talking that way, you will find yourself doing you own damn laundry." Meredith said with a nod as she began separating it.

"Well, at least my socks will stay white." Derek pointed out.

"Derek... I haven't mixed whites and colors in a long time." Meredith told him with a giggle. "But I could if you'd like. Wouldn't it be great, standing in the OR with pink socks. You always did look good in pink." She told him as she tossed the laundry in and started it.

"You are asking for trouble." Derek said with a smile as he pushed her against the washing machine.

"And what will you do to me, Derek?" She breathed softly. Derek looked into her green eyes and her hot breath grazed his lips.

"I could show you." He said with a smile as he dropped his pants and jumped up on the washing machine.

"Oh, Derek... You are such a dirty guy." She told him as she looked at his hard erect member. "How can I resist the washing machine?" She asked as she quickly slid her jeans and panties off.

"You can't." Derek said with a nod as he lifted her up onto the washing machine. "I know you..."

"So true." She said with a smile as she stood on her knees above his throbbing dick. She rubbed her thumb over it's head before grabbing it and rubbing it against her clit. Derek smiled as he watched her eyes rolls back in her head. Her petite hand felt perfect on his cock as she slid it up and down her wet slit. She let out a soft moan as she guided it in. "Mmmm..."

"Oh... You are wet." Derek said softly as he closed his eyes.

"I was thinking about you in the car. Over and over. I couldn't stop myself, Der. I can't. You are all I think about... Oh!" She moaned as she rocked on his cock.

"You are such a dirty little woman." Derek told her as he thrust upwards.

"Oh..." Meredith moaned loudly as the washing machine started to vibrate.

"We need and older washing machine. This one is too quiet." Derek told her frankly. "Luckily we don't really need it."

"Oh god... Oh, Derek!" She cried out as he ran his hands up under her shirt. He went beneath her her bra an twisted her nipples hard. "Oh!" She cried out.

"Cum for me, honey. Flood me. Cum for me." He repeated as he pounded into her. Her breasts jumped and bounced in his large hands. "Oh..."

Oh god, Der... I'm coming... I am... Oh god... Right... OH"' She shouted as she laid her head back and rocked quickly. "Oh god."

"Oh fuck... Your so strong today." He told her as her walls crashing into him, squeezing his hardened cock. "Fuck... Here is comes... I'm cumming, honey."

"Oh..." Meredith moaned as she quit rocking and laid her head back. She could feel his warm cum spraying her walls as their fluids mixed. She sat there atop his cock as it twitched hard.

"Oh..." Derek moaned as he laid his head back against the wall. The washing machine began to bounce around, causing Meredith to cry out.

"Oh god... Oh god!" She screamed as her walls tensed up again and she flooded his cock.

"Fuck, Mer..." Derek moaned through heavily hooded eyes.

"You are amazing, Der." She told him as she weakly pulled herself off and looked up.

"You aren't so bad yourself." Derek pointed out.

As much as they loved the cabin, they were happy to be home. It finally caught up with them. full week of nonstop sex had sucked the life out of them. They couldn't wait to get into the operating room and cut. They both took a quick shower and laid in the bed. Meredith snuggled her cold body up against his. It was good to be home.

**I forgot to post yesterday!**


	121. Fellowship

Meredith rolled over in the bed. A week. A week was too long. Now she didn't want to go back. She wanted to stay in the bed next to her warm husband all day. Today the interns moved on. Now she was a cardio fellow. And she didn't want to go to the hospital. She wanted to stay home. It was too much work. She just needed a vacation. From her vacation.

"Oh god... Just call them and tell them we're stuck." Meredith moaned as she covered her head.

"Stuck what? Together?" He asked with a chuckle.

"No, Derek." She snapped. "Stuck there. In Canada. Stuck in snow. Or mud. Anything." She told him as she rolled away.

"Oh, honey... You love the hospital." Derek told her with a smile.

"Eh." She groaned without listening to him.

"Come on... Get up. People need you. Besides today is the first day of your fellowship. And you will be amazing. You have no idea how proud of you I am." Derek told her as he lifted the blanket and kissed her softly on the head.

"Yeah, yeah... Cover me back up." Meredith muttered without opening her eyes.

"Mer... Are you okay, honey?" Derek asked softly.

"I'm tired." She said. "And if you would shut up, I wouldn't be anymore." Meredith pointed out frankly.

"Geez... You rest. I'll take my shower, make the coffee and wake you up in a little bit. Maybe you should get out on my side of the bed." Derek said with a chuckle as he kissed her again and walked away.

"Funny." She grumbled without looking.

Derek made the coffee and climbed into the hot shower. She was tired and grumpy. Their restful vacation had been everything but. And most of that was his fault. He kept her up all night, every night. And had she not woken up so grumpily, he probably would have had some fun with her this morning.

As the hot water ran down his back, there was only one thing that crossed his mind. She was pregnant. It was probably wishful thinking. But she was different. She was acting differently. And he made coffee. It didn't even hit him when he made that statement. She couldn't have any. And Meredith needed coffee to feel alive. She needed it to be human. He was going to have to give it up. He would have to suffer too.

"Honey... Time to get up." Derek said as he walked into their room. "Come on... I have some croissants out in the kitchen. And fruit. Honeydew and cantaloupe... Come on, baby." Derek said softly as he kissed her.

"Fine..." Meredith said with a sigh as she pulled herself out of bed. Derek started to laugh softly. "What?" She asked with a furrowed brow.

"You are so adorable." He told her as he pulled her close. Her hair was sticking in every possible direction. Her pajamas were wrinkled. She looked like someone threw her in the dryer and forgot her.

"Don't laugh at me." She grumbled as she walked lazily to the kitchen.

"Don't you want to get ready first?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"I will do it they way I do it." She told him as she plopped down in the chair.

"Are you pregnant?" Derek blurted out as he sat a plate in front of her.

"What? No! I mean... I don't think so. It's too early to tell. Why would you ask that?" She asked quickly.

"You just- You're acting differently." Derek explained as he kissed her on the head. "Wishful thinking." Derek explained.

"How many times have I told you not to do that?" Meredith asked with a sigh. "We don't need to get out hearts broken."

"Would you like some tea?" Derek asked, ignoring her statement. "Since you can't have coffee..."

"Yes. Please. The berry kind." Meredith said with a frown. "I really need coffee..."

"I do too." Derek said with a frown and he poured the fresh pot down the sink.

"What are you doing?" She asked in shock as she watched the dark liquid fall into the sink.

"If you can't have it, I can't either. It's only fair." Derek said with a smile. "So it looks like tea for me too."

"Not the berry kind... Right?" Meredith asked with a giggle.

"No. Definitely not the berry kind." Derek responded with a chuckle. "You'll be okay, Mer... You're okay." He told her as he sat the cup in front of her and kissed her head.

-----------------

Meredith was blue. Derek wasn't really sure why. His only thought was hormones. Her hormones had to be completely out of whack. And it didn't help that this morning, he suggested that she give Dr. Greyson a call. Apparently agreeing to doing it, was different than actually doing it. He kindly reminded her that it needed to be done. And he was sure he lost his head out the window.

"Dr. Grey-Shepherd... How is the first day of your fellowship going?" Miranda asked with a smile.

"It's great." Meredith said quickly as she flipped the chart open. "Busy."

"Your interns are doing good. I have to admit, I am surprised. Not that you didn't do a good job. But they were a fairly unfocused group." Miranda explained with a nod.

"Very true. But they are in it to win it. I have no doubts about any of them." Meredith told her with a nod.

"I'll take your word." Miranda said as she walked quickly down the hallway.

"Dr. Shepherd!" She heard Dina Eastman yell as she came up.

"Dr. Eastman... How is your first day of residency going?" Meredith asked with a smile.

"Good. Great, even. I never realized how hard it would be to be a resident. My interns are idiots!" She said quickly.

"They can be that way." Meredith agreed with a nod.

"I'm sorry. I mean. I never realized what we put you through. I hope I never added a ton of stress to your life." Dina told her apologetically.

"You, no." Meredith said with a smile. "The others, maybe." She said with a smile. "How was your time off?"

"It was great. I went home. To my parents. I needed to do that." Dina explained. "And you went to the cabin. How was that?"

"It was great. Really great." Meredith said with a nod. She heard her pager blare and looked down. "And it starts... I have to go. Have a good day!" Meredith yelled as she jogged off. "What do we have?" Meredith asked as she walked into the patient's room.

"It looks like and abdominal aneurysm." Danny Carter said with a nod. His interns all gathered around, wide-eyed.

"Definitely. What was he in for?" Meredith asked as she continued the ultrasound.

"Pectoral enhancement." Danny explained.

"Okay. I hope you have already paged Sloan. I'm not your resident anymore, so I don't need to tell you that. If you haven't... Get your ass in gear." Meredith spat as she pointed to the door. Meredith looked up at the interns.

"We are going to need to use intravenous contrast dye." Meredith explained. "It can be highly accurate in determining the size and extent of the aneurysm, and its relation to the renal arteries. But CAT scan requires the use of radiation and carries a risk of dye reaction when intravenous dye is used with CAT scanning. In patients with kidney diseases, we may need to do an MRA , which is a study of the aorta and the other arteries using MRI scanning. Both CAT scan and MRA are highly accurate in determining aneurysm size and extent, and are often sufficient in providing enough information in surgery planning. So, do we know his kidney function?" Meredith asked quickly.

"Uh..." The intern said as he looked up.

"Look at the fucking chart! If he has renal failure, surely it would be in his chart. Get it together." Meredith yelled quickly.

"What are you doing to my patient?" Mark asked with a smirk.

"Trying to save his life." Meredith told him frankly. "He has an abdominal aneurysm. Looks about the size of a baseball. Dr. Santos is in surgery. It's mine. He needs a CAT scan." Meredith said quickly.

"You heard the woman." Mark spat at the interns. "Take the patient." Mark yelled. "Damn interns get dumber by the day." Mark said as he shook his head.

"You're right." Meredith said with a nod. "And it's doctor. Not woman. Woman anywhere else is fine. But here, it's doctor." Meredith warned.

"I'm sorry, Mer. You're right." Mark said with a nod.

Danny Carter's interns took the patient through the tests, proving that she was correct. She felt good. She was doing good. As she stood in the scrub room next to Danny Carter and his intern. She drew in a deep breath as she opened the door and walked in.

"Okay... Thanks for coming, everyone. Let's do this." She said as they walked up to the patient. "Dr. Sloan." Meredith said with a nod as she looked up.

"Dr. Grey-Shepherd." Mark said with a smile as he looked at her.

"Are you in here for the whole surgery?" Meredith asked.

"I was hoping that after you are done with the repair, I can go ahead and do the pectoral enhancement." Mark suggested.

"Your patient." Meredith said with a nod. "And I am opting for the stent graft. In case these wonderful interns forgot to tell you. They should be on permanent post-op notes if you ask me." She spat.

"Interesting." Mark muttered. "No... I thought you were putting in a regular graft. But this is fine. Dr. Davies... Why don't you go to the pit?" Mark suggested.

"But I- I kind of wanted to see the surgery." He said with a frown.

"Too damn bad. You should of thought about that before you failed to tell me about my patient." He said as he pointed.

She decided the best option for him was a stent graft. Meredith made a small incision in the thigh to gain access to the femoral artery. She guided the 6 inch long stent inside a long plastic capsule through the arteries to the lower aorta. Once the stent was in place, she removed the holding capsule. Activated by heat, the stent expanded like a spring and became anchored to the artery wall.

"So, the by-passed aneurysm will be shielded from the blood flow and will shrink, correct?" Mark asked with a smile.

"Correct." Meredith said with a nod. "He should be back on his feet in no time." Meredith said with a smile.

"Good." Mark agreed.

Meredith checked everything over and over again before deciding that her patient was definitely done and ready to go. She felt confident in the work she had just done. She looked up at Mark and smiled.

"Good to go." Meredith said quickly.

"You did great." Mark agreed with a nod. "Thank you for saving my patient."

"Not a problem." Meredith said with a nod as she stepped away from the table.

---------------

Meredith drew in a deep breath. She was exhausted. And it wasn't looking like she was going to get to go home tonight. And Derek was on her every minute to call Dr. Greyson. She wanted to. But only for him. The thought of pouring her heart and soul out to a stranger made her sick. She didn't want to admit she had a problem.

"Did you talk to Dr. Greyson?" Derek asked as he walked up and wrapped his arms around her.

"Damn-it Derek! God, do you think I have been sitting around all day twiddling my thumbs! When do you think I would have time to call and make and appointment?" She spat as she spun around.

"Wow... Sorry, honey. I just want to make sure you do it." Derek said with a nod.

"Eh... I'm sorry, Der. I'm sorry I snapped." Meredith said with a sigh as she laid against him.

"It's okay. You're tired. I just don't want you to get hurt. I love you, honey. And It has been a long time. You do need to get help. And I don't want you driving. I pick you up. I take you home. Or you take a cab. It's not safe for you to drive." He warned her.

"You sound pathetic." Meredith told him frankly.

"It's common sense. No one needs to get hurt. No driving, do you hear me?" Derek warned.

"Fine. Whatever. Take all of my fucking freedom. It's fine. Poor pathetic Dr. Shepherd. She's so fucking nuts, she can't even drive." Meredith said sarcastically.

"No, honey, it's not like that. How would you feel if someone else got hurt? How would you feel if someone else had to go through what you did? It's not right, Mer. It's not safe." Derek pointed out.

Meredith laid against Derek's chest and thought. He was right. What if she did slam on her brakes and get into another accident? If she died, Derek would never be okay. And if she hurt or killed someone, she could never forgive herself. He was right. Even if she didn't want to admit it.

"You're right." Meredith agreed. "So right... I'll call." She said as she picked up the phone at the nurses station.

Derek stood there and rubbed her back and she reluctantly dialed the number. It was the right thing to do. It was part of them moving forward. She needed to be in a better place emotionally. For him, for her, for the future children they would have. The appointment was made. Meredith sighed as she turned and looked at him.

"Wednesday." Meredith uttered as she rolled her eyes.

"Good." Derek said with a smile. "I just want you to be safe."

"I know you do." Meredith told him softly as said laid her head against his chest. "And I am here for the night."

"So I am too." Derek pointed out with a smile.

"No, Der. Go home. Sleep in a bed. Our bed. It is so stupid for you to stay with me." Meredith told him with a nod. "One of us should be comfortable."

"I-" Derek started.

"I am fine. No arguing. You will go home." She told him frankly.

Meredith spent the day tending her patients. She had a newfound confidence as a cardio fellow. The day was long, and she convinced Derek to go home. But that was after he brought her dinner and insisted she eat it. They shared a dinner, and she finished her work before stumbling towards the on-call room. She stopped in her tracks as she looked up.

"Adrien..." She muttered in shock.

"Hello, Mer." Adrien said with a smile.

**Dun...Dun...Dun... Reviews may make a difference in the outcome. Hehehehe**


	122. Confrontation

Meredith stood there in shock. When she woke up this morning, she didn't think she would be seeing Adrien. In fact, apart from talking about him to Kristy, Adrien had managed to stay far out of her head. Derek had helped immensely. Just knowing that he supported her was enough to get her through anything. If she hadn't had him, she would have fallen apart.

Meredith's green eyes met his blue. Steely blue. Not a deep blue like Derek's. Nearly grey. But his eyes were different. More like they were when she first met him. More like they were before he went out of control. She drew in a deep breath as she stood there in front of the man she once made love to. The man that she thought she could settle down with. The man that hurt her so much.

"Meredith... You look amazing." Adrien said with a smile as he approached.

"I... Uh... You're- Here. You are here. I thought you went to France?" Meredith asked him in shock.

Meredith knew there was the possibility of Adrien coming back. In fact she had been having mixed feelings about it for awhile. She wanted him to teach her. But at the same time, she knew the tension would be high. You can't have that much of a past with someone and forget it all. Especially when one of those people are still in love.

"I came back. I stayed in France, had a good visit with my mother. But I needed to come back. I needed to tie up some loose ends." Adrien explained. "Why don't we sit down." He motioned to the chairs at the end of the hallway.

"Um." Meredith muttered as she drew in a deep breath. "Okay." She nodded reluctantly as she walked towards the end of the hall.

"I know Derek doesn't want me talking to you." Adrien told her frankly.

"You're right, he doesn't." Meredith told him as she looked into his eyes. "He is protective of me. He takes care of me. And he doesn't want to see me get hurt."

"I don't plan on hurting you, Mer. I don't- I never meant to hurt you. I didn't. I have worked through my problems. And I have realized what I have done to you. Attempting suicide was... I don't know what I was thinking. I just... I missed my wife. And you were so amazing. And I used you as a replacement. I turned you into her. And when you weren't- I was so angry. It wasn't your fault. She's gone... I realize that now. And I need to move on." Adrien told her as he rubbed her arm.

"I don't blame you. For anything. Everything... It was meant to be the way it was. Derek is the love of my life, and I can't make excuses for that. I won't apologize for it. I made mistakes, but I don't regret the outcome. I don't regret Derek. So, we can't be friends. But we can be okay." Meredith said with a smile.

"This is... Thank you." He said as he grabbed her hand. "You look amazing... Wow." Adrien told her as he looked at her. "You're pregnant."

"What?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked at him.

"You have that glow. Just like you did before. You're pregnant." Adrien told her with a nod.

"I- We- We're trying." Meredith responded in astonishment

"Well, congratulations, you are." He said with a nod. "I am sure you will make a wonderful mother."

"Thank you. But I'm not so sure that I am." Meredith told him with a giggle. She quickly remembered what they were doing. "So... Why are you here?" She asked as she looked up.

"To tie up loose ends. I wanted to tell you... I can't follow you through your fellowship. I'm sorry. I convinced Dr. Santos to stay on for the year. He agreed to postpone his retirement as a personal favor to me. I didn't want you getting stuck with just anyone. You will be great. He taught me, and look how well I did. You will be just as great. And I am positive that Miranda Bailey will offer you the attending position when Santos leaves. So I am going back to France to practice there. It's time to move on. I thought I could work alongside you... But the feelings are too strong. I do- I will always love you. And I know I can't make that go away. So I have to leave. I can't stay here." Adrien said as his tears welled up.

"But I-" Meredith said in a panic.

"Santos will do it. He can. I know I will be reading about you, Mer. You will be great." He said as he kissed her on top of the head. "Congratulations on the baby." He said with a nod as he walked down the hallway and disappeared.

Meredith sat there in shock. He was gone. Just like that. He walked in and poured all that on top of her and left. As she sat there, she laid her head back. There would always be a soft spot in her heart for Adrien. He helped bring her back. For a second before she saw Derek again, he breathed a bit of life into her. And so a chapter closed.

--------------

Meredith sat back at the table in the corner of the cafeteria. She knew that Derek would be meeting her down there. She already had his salad sitting on the table. She hadn't talked to him about Adrien. They had both been so busy, they didn't even have a chance. Meredith stabbed several pieces of lettuce and shoved them in her mouth. She wondered if Adrien was right. Could she be pregnant?

"Hey... Oh you got my lunch... Thanks." Derek said as he bent down and kissed her softly.

"You're welcome." Meredith said with a smile as she continued forking.

"So... How is your day going?" Derek asked as he uncovered his salad.

"Good. Really good. Slower than yesterday." Meredith told him with a relieved smile.

"That's great... You look tired." Derek told her frankly. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay. A little tired, but good. I didn't sleep very good last night." Meredith explained.

"Me neither. I needed you. You have ruined me." Derek told her with a chuckle.

Meredith sat there and stared at her salad. She wanted to tell him about Adrien. But she knew he would get upset. She knew that he would worry needlessly. She didn't want him to be anymore stressed out than he already was. As her eyes met his, she decided what she had to do. She had to tell him.

"Derek... There is something I need to tell you." Meredith said with a sigh.

"What? Is everything okay?" Derek asked with concern.

"It's fine. I just- I talked to Adrien last night. He was here. And we talked." Meredith muttered as she looked at her salad.

"You what!? I told him to stay the fuck away from you. Who the hell does he think he is? Are you okay? Did he hurt you? What did he say? I swear, I'll kill him." Derek said loudly, causing people to look.

"It's fine, Derek. Everything is fine. He's going back to France. He came to tie up loose ends. He's not staying. Santos is staying on through my fellowship. And then he is retiring. He said he can't stay here. It's too hard. It's okay, Derek. It will all be okay." Meredith told him as she grabbed his hands.

"I don't like it. I don't like him doing that to you. You don't need the stress." Derek told her with a frown.

"I'm okay, Derek. I feel fine. It went fine. And everything is okay." Meredith told him with a nod. "And he says I'm pregnant. He swears it."

"I think you are... What do you think?" Derek asked with a smile.

"I think... I think I'm scared." Meredith admitted. "But I hope I am. I'm ready for us to start our family. I'm ready for it all."

"Me too..." Derek agreed as he looked off into the distance. "Oh shit... Mark and Kristy. Look down. Look down!" Derek demanded as they dropped their heads and looked at their salads.

"Crap... Maybe they won't notice us." Meredith suggested with a frown.

"I hope not." Derek muttered softly.

Meredith and Derek were avoiding Mark and Kristy. After a week together, they all needed a break. The trip had gone less than ideal. In fact, it showed sides of all of them that no one was interested in seeing for awhile. So they avoided. And little did they know, their friends were doing the same thing.

"Fuck. It's Meredith and Derek." Mark said as he looked over.

"Shoot... Just don't look in their direction. We'll pretend we didn't see them." Kristy said as she quickened her pace.

"We could turn around and leave." Mark suggested quickly.

"No, no... We will just pretend we didn't see them and we'll sit at the other side." She told him as she walked to the line.

"Sounds good." Mark told her as he followed her up. They avoided that general direction with their eyes as they got their food and sat down on the other side.

"They are our friends... We should be able to talk to them." Kristy said, disgusted with herself.

"Should. But this is working for now. Besides you are acting all crazy." Mark told her with a nod.

"Crazy? I'm not acting crazy." Kristy told him with a frown.

"You're jealous. It's okay... I understand." Mark told her with a shrug.

"I am not jealous! Why would you say that?" Kristy asked quickly.

"It's okay, Kris... I'm not offended." Mark told her. "He was your husband. And seeing him with Mer... That can't be easy."

"I'm not- Fine! I am. A little bit. What the hell does she have? They were... If you saw them. They never stop. And the things they do. He never did that to me. He never even had the interest to do that to me. I love Mer. She's family. But my god, he treats her like she is a fucking goddess. He treats her like she is the best thing in the world." Kristy told him with a sigh.

"Because she is. In his eyes... She is perfect. And you didn't have Derek. She has Derek. Derek was dead inside when you met him. It wasn't you... You cannot compare anything you experienced with him to what they have. It will never work. They have always been like that. And Derek was never like that with any other girl. I know you can't just be fine with it... But it's not worth it. Besides... You have me." He told her with a snicker.

"You are right... I have you." Kristy told him with a big smile as she leaned in and kissed him. "And I would much rather have you Mark... I love you."

"I love you too." Mark said with a smile.

Meredith and Derek continued to make sideways glances at Mark and Kristy. They were hoping that they didn't walk over. And they didn't They seemed content in their own little world. And Meredith and Derek were thankful for that.

"Thank god... They are leaving us alone." Meredith told Derek with a smile.

"Yeah. I agree. They were... We need a break from them." Derek told her with a nod.

"I still can't believe that she came up to our room..." Meredith told him with wide-eyes.

"She completely lost her mind that night. I have never seen her like that. Well, not since the morning I told her I wanted a divorce and I was leaving. But for her to come up there. I swear, Mer... I was just getting ready, and I looked up to see her. It was like looking at my mom." Derek grumbled.

"Well, I was nearly there. It was going to be the best fucking orgasm of my life. And then it fucking stopped. I looked up at you, wondering what the hell happened. Then I saw her. That was horrible." Meredith told him quickly.

"I have never been so close to killing a woman in my life. I swear, I wanted to hurt her." Derek complained as they sighed. "Either way... The vacation was good. Because you were there. And I have a feeling we may have gotten our work done."

"I think we may have." Meredith agreed as she rested her hand on her abdomen. "I think so..."


	123. The Answer To The Question

It was getting better. The awkwardness between the two couples had died down. They were back to their old selves. They all had issues with each other, but it was nothing that they couldn't work through. They had gotten so busy that they didn't even have time for each other. Meredith had been on-call non-stop and Derek was doing back to back surgeries. It was a mess. A total mess.

Today was the day. Today was the day that she was going to take the test. That was all she thought about. She would know. She had a feeling that she was pregnant. She was sure she was. Now she just needed the confirmation. And by the end of the day, they would know.

"Hey..." Derek said quietly as he walked by and kissed her softly.

"Hey." Meredith responded with a smile. "What time are you off?" She asked with quickly.

"My last surgery is at one. So I should be able to get out of here by four. How about you?" Derek asked as he watched her scribble on the chart.

"I have an appointment." Meredith explained with a sigh. "It seems my husband thinks I need my head examined." Meredith told him with a sigh.

"Is that so?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"That is so." Meredith responded frankly.

"I think your husband is just worried about your welfare. I think your husband just wants what's best for his wife. I think your husband cares about you..." Derek told her with a nod.

"Yeah... Well, I think my husband is a quack." She snapped.

"I tend to disagree. So when is your appointment?" Derek asked as he nuzzled his face into her neck.

"At five." Meredith muttered as she flipped her chart shut.

"So I'll wait for you." Derek told her with a nod.

"No. Go home. I will take a cab. Besides, you could make us dinner. I'm in the mood for steak. Medium. Salty red meat." Meredith told him as she walked away. "And I want it warm and fresh."

"Isn't that how I always deliver?" Derek yelled down the hallway.

"I think you need help!" Meredith yelled loudly as she continued walking. She looked up just before she nearly ran into Dr. Santos.

"Dr. Grey... Oh. Shepherd. Sorry. It's so hard to get used to that." Dr. Santos said quickly.

"It's okay. I'm barely used to it myself." She explained with a smile.

"I just wanted to let you know that Adrien de Gualle came to see me yesterday..." He explained as he looked into her green eyes.

"I talked to him. And I have to tell you, I appreciate you agreeing to stay on and continue to teach me." Meredith told him quickly.

"I am doing it as a personal favor. Adrien was not only my student, but a good friend. And he has put a lot of faith into you. So have I. And it would be nice to know that I sent one more amazing doctor out into the world. I really wish that things could have worked out differently. But since they did not, we can only do what we can do." He explained with a sigh.

"Well, as I said, thank you." Meredith said with a smile and a nod.

"Have a good day, Dr. Grey." He told her as he walked away.

"You too..." Meredith shouted as she went on her own merry way.

Meredith walked into the busy lobby. She wanted a mocha latte. It was screaming for her. But she couldn't have it. No caffeine. She couldn't drink it and Derek wasn't either. It was their sacrifice. Meredith reluctantly ordered a hot chocolate and grabbed a chocolate muffin before taking a seat off too the side.

"You look distracted." Kristy said as she walked over and sat down.

"Huh... Oh, hey." Meredith told Kristy with a nod and a smile. "What did you say?"

"I said you look distracted." Kristy told her as she sat beside her. "I hope that isn't coffee."

"Hot chocolate." Meredith told her as she held the cup up. "I'm just tired. And I'm nervous."

"What are you nervous about?" She asked as she placed her hand on Meredith's arm.

"I- Uh... It's nothing." Meredith told her as she drew in a deep breath.

"And you don't want to talk about it." Kristy told her with disappointment.

"I- Derek is making me go to a shrink. Not making me. Let's face it, Derek cannot make me do anything." Meredith said with a giggle. "He thinks it would be best. Because of the driving thing."

"That's good, Mer! Great, even! You really need to work through that. It was a horrible tragedy in your life..." Kristy replied sympathetically. "Sometimes you can't do it on your own."

"You're right. I know that. But it doesn't make it any easier. It was so hard. And to pour that out to someone. It's not easy, Kris. I can barely talk to Derek about it. I really can't imagine talking to a stranger about it. Telling a stranger about how I feel... It makes me sick." Meredith told her quickly.

"It may not be as bad as you think. Maybe talking to a stranger will be easier. You won't offend them, and you can pour it out without hurting feelings. Almost dying isn't something you get over easily. And to pretend that it is... You are fooling yourself." Kristy explained with a sigh.

"I know. And if I'm- If Derek and I are going to start a family, we need a clean slate. A baby doesn't need my baggage," Meredith told her with a sigh.

"Oh, Mer..." Kristy told her as she leaned against her shoulder. "This is a good thing."

"It is. You're right... It is." Meredith said with a smile as she took a sip of her hot chocolate.

"I have to go." Kristy said happily as she stood up.

"Okay... Thanks, I needed it." Meredith told her.

"I'm your friend. I know you did." Kristy told her as she let go of her hand and walked off.

-------------

Meredith felt sick as she waited in the waiting area. It was like she was admitting that something was wrong. It was like she was saying she couldn't do it on her own. But the truth was, she couldn't. She couldn't do anything on her own. Not when it came to this. She had been trying for years. And she never got better. And she wasn't sure if she got worse.

Meredith studied the office as she walked in. It was classic. It was just as she thought it would be. The dull paintings on the walls reflected the dull feeling of the room. She didn't want to be there. She didn't want to talk about anything. She wanted to go home. She wanted to disappear. She did not want to be there. Period.

"Dr. Shepherd... How are you?" Dr. Greyson said with a smile as he looked up and stuck his hand out.

"Good. How are you?" Meredith asked as she firmly shook his hand and sat down in the chair.

"I'm very good, thank you." Adam Greyson answered happily. "So... Why are you here?"

"You're the shrink. Aren't you supposed to tell me?" Meredith asked as she laid her head back.

"Well, according to what you filled out here, you are having some issues from a past traumatic experience." Adam told her as he looked up at her from the file in his hands.

"If that's what it says, then it must be true." Meredith told him frankly.

"Dr. Shepherd, you do know you are here at your own free will. And if you aren't willing to keep an open mind, there is not much I can do for you." He told her with raised brows.

"You're right." Meredith muttered as she looked down. "You're right..."

"You don't seem like you really want to talk about this." Adam told her as he scribbled on his pad of paper.

"I don't. But I know I need to." Meredith told him as she rested her hand on her abdomen.

"Where would you like to begin?" Dr. Greyson asked as he studied her body language.

"From the beginning." Meredith told him with a straight face. "The beginning is a good place to start."

"Yes it is." Adam told her with a faint smile as he leaned back and got ready to listen.

Meredith talked to him for an hour. She just started. Once she did, she realized that it was more than she expected. Once she began to sort it out, she realized that it was a lot to get out. And even more to absorb. It wasn't feeling better. It wasn't feeling worse. She was just stuck in a silence. In a screaming silence of painful memories. The hour went quick and Adam assured her that it wouldn't be fixed over night. But she was well on her way.

--------------

Meredith sat in the back of the cab. She hated riding in cabs. But she wouldn't drive. She promised Derek she wouldn't drive. And Adam agreed that it was not a good idea. It was too dangerous to herself and to others with the flashbacks that she was having. As she pulled up to her perfect house, she realized what today was. It was so close. But she didn't need that test. She already knew.

Meredith handed a few folded bills to the cab driver and stepped out. She could smell the food as she opened the door. Steak. She was in the mood for steak. She had always loved it. But tonight it was an incredible craving. She loved to have a nice glass of wine alongside it. But she wasn't going to be having that anytime soon.

"I'm home!" Meredith shouted as she tossed her bag to the side and walked into the kitchen. She looked out and saw Derek standing on the back porch at the grill. "I'm home." She told him as she walked up.

"Hey." Derek told her as he leaned over and kissed her softly. "How did it go?"

"It went. But I won't be okay over night." Meredith explained with a frown.

"But you are taking steps. That's all that matters." Derek explained as he rubbed her shoulder.

"I am taking steps. Steps towards a new, happy life." She agreed with a nod as she laid her head on his shoulder. "It's tonight..." Meredith told him softly.

"What's tonight?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"The test. Tonight." She said with a nod.

"Oh yes... Tonight." Derek repeated as he drew in a deep breath and let a smile cover his face. "And..."

"And we will see." Meredith said with a nod. "When will dinner be done?" Meredith asked as she looked at the meat on the grill.

"You have time to take a shower." He told her with a nod.

"Good idea." She agreed with a smile as she pecked him on the cheek and walked away.

Meredith nervously held the stick. She was scared to death. Scared that it would be yes. And scared that it would be no. She slowly peed on it and placed it on the sink before jumping into the shower. She wasn't ready to look at it. They would look at it after dinner. This was something that she wanted them to find out together. When Meredith walked out in her flannel pajamas, Derek had a the perfect dinner sitting on the dining room table.

"You look comfortable." Derek told her as she walked in.

"I needed that shower." She told him as she sat down too her plate of food. "It looks great."

"I can't believe you are eating in your pajamas." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Believe it." Meredith told him as she grabbed her knife and easily cut into the meat. "I will be doing this a lot."

"Is that so?" Derek asked with a smile. "I think we are getting old."

"Could be." Meredith agreed happily. "And I don't care."

"Neither do I." Derek responded with a grin. "In fact, maybe we will eat in our pajamas everyday."

"I like that Idea." Meredith giggled as she took a bit of her grilled vegetables. "So..."

"So..." Derek repeated as he looked into her sparkling green eyes.

"So... I took the test." Meredith whispered softly. "And when we are done eating, I want to look at it... Together."

"Sounds perfect." Meredith told him softly as she reached across the table and held his hand.

Derek couldn't wait. He already knew the answer. He was going to be a father. He knew it. He knew it in his heart. Last night, when he placed his hands on her stomach, he knew. He knew that there was a life in there. He didn't need a test to prove it. All he needed was his heart. His heart knew.

Meredith slowly ate her dinner. She was scared. Scared for yes. Scared for no. No meant that they weren't going to have what they wanted. No meant Derek's heart was going to be broken. But yes met the potential for another lose. Yes made her so nervous that she could barely take it.

They quickly placed their plates in the sink and looked at each other. Derek grasped her hand in his and looked into her eyes. They slowly walked down the along hallway towards the master bathroom. Derek stopped by the sink and took her hands into his.

"No matter what it says, I will always love you." He told her as he kissed her softly. "Let's go find out what our future holds." Meredith nodded for Derek to grab the test and read it. Her eyes searched his as he read the stick.

"Well?" Meredith asked quickly.

"It looks like we are going to be parents." Derek told her with a huge smile.

She gasped at those words. Meredith had never seen him so happy. They were going to be parents. He quickly scooped her up and twirled her around. Parents. They were going to have a baby. It was all worth it. All the pain disappeared in that moment. They were having a baby.

**Yep...Mer is going to be a mom.**


	124. Expecting

Meredith and Derek looked into each other's eyes. They couldn't believe that they were going to be parents. They were going to have a baby. It was official. Derek stared back down at the stick in shock. It was definitely positive. Not that they didn't already know it. They knew. Meredith knew her body. And Derek knew his Meredith.

"Wow." Meredith muttered as she stared into his blue eyes.

"Yeah." Derek agreed as he placed his hand on her stomach. "I am here from the beginning, little guy." Derek told her stomach softly.

"I just can't believe it. It's so easy." She stated with a faint smile.

"Maybe for you. I was working hard!" Derek told her with a big laugh.

"Not that... It's just... What they say. It's a miracle." Meredith told him with a sigh. "It's amazing."

"Completely." Derek agreed as he sat the stick down and grabbed her hand. "You're afraid."

"Terrified." She admitted as she let out a deep breath and laid her head against his chest. "But I have you..."

"You do have me." Derek agreed as he walked her to the bed.

"Will you lay with me?" She asked as she laid back and pulled him down.

"Of course I will." He said as he laid down with her and pulled her body close. "Meredith... It will be okay, baby." Derek told her as he kissed her head.

"I don't want to tell anyone yet. Not for awhile, okay?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"We will tell them when you are ready. Not a second before." Derek assured her. "Not that Mark and Kristy haven't already figured it out."

"But we haven't confirmed anything." Meredith told him frankly. "So what they say doesn't matter."

"This is true. You know nurses." Derek told her with a kiss on the cheek.

"My mom... I know that she is going to be a grandma... But Derek, I don't ever want her to see our kids. Is that wrong?" Meredith asked with a frown.

"Normally, I would say yes. But being who she is..." Derek trailed off. "She is family. And I don't think it's right to never let them see her. But you have to keep her at arms length." Derek explained as he rubbed her hip.

"No. I don't agree. She is like a poison. She takes everything over. She ruins lives. I don't want them to experience her. She is... She probably won't even notice." Meredith said solemnly.

"Well, this baby will have more love than it can handle with my mother." Derek told her frankly. "He won't even know that anyone is missing."

"You're right... She won't." Meredith told him, playing his game. "_She_ will not."

"He will be so cute." Derek said with a smile.

"You seem so convinced." Meredith told him as she shook her head. "We shall see."

"Yes... In eight months, we will see." Derek agreed happily as he raised her shirt.

"I will get fat, you know. All stretched out and saggy." Meredith told him with a deep sigh.

"And I will love every minute of it." He told her as he kissed her abdomen. "I can't wait until I can feel my child inside of you."

"I know." Meredith agreed. "I can't wait." She told him as she placed her hand on her stomach. Derek rested his hand atop hers.

"We are going to be kick-ass parents." Derek told her with a smile.

"I'm actually a little concerned about our parenting skills. We are just- We're bad, Derek. The sex. And the-" Meredith trailed off.

"Sex..." Derek asked with a chuckle. "Mer... We will be perfect parents. We don't drink. We drink, but not a lot. Only every once in awhile. And we don't go out and party. We are busy. But we will be awesome. The parents that everyone wants. And you will be the hot mom." Derek told her as he kissed her abdomen and pulled her shirt down.

"Derek..." She giggled as she rolled her eyes.

"Come on... Look at us. We have the genes." Derek pointed out with a chuckle.

"I love you, baby." Meredith said as she snuggled against him. "And baby wants ice cream."

"I think mom wants ice cream. And mom is using baby as an excuse." Derek told her with a chuckle as he quickly stood up.

"I think dad will never know the truth. Strawberry with chocolate syrup. The good syrup." Meredith told him as she watched him walk away.

"Whatever you want..." Derek told her with a smile as he disappeared.

-------------------

Meredith laid on the bathroom floor. The cold tile felt perfect on her face. She didn't want to wake Derek up. She had gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Apparently baby thought it was morning, because the minute she saw the toilet, all of her stomach's contents were willing their way out of her body.

She had thought she had escaped it. She thought that she wasn't going to have morning sickness. At six weeks, she was expecting to be waking up every morning like she was dying. And the minute she got her hopes up, they were torn down. Because now here she laid, retching her insides out.

"Mer? Where are you honey?" Derek asked as he walked into the bathroom.

"Eh... Here. Don't step on me." She moaned as she looked up.

"Why are you in the dark?" Derek asked as he flipped the light on.

"I didn't have time to turn it on." Meredith explained as she leaned into the toilet. Derek rushed over and pulled her hair back out of her face.

"What happened? I thought you were morning sickness free?" Derek asked softly.

"I was. I was until I passed the table with that freesia scented candle on it. I couldn't stop. That is the most disgusting smell in the world." She told him as she sat her butt back on the floor.

"We'll get rid of it." Derek said with a nod as he kissed her on the head. "Do you need anything?"

"To die." Meredith suggested as she looked up into his eyes. "This is disgusting. You can go. You still have some time to sleep. It;s stupid for you to sit here while I puke." Meredith told him frankly.

"I decide what is stupid and not." Derek told her as he sat beside her. "And this is not stupid. This is supporting my wife." He explained as he laid her head down in his lap.

"And the demon seed we created." She said with a giggle.

"No. The miracle." Derek told her with a nod.

"That too, I guess." She joked as she looked up into his blue eyes. "Your mom is going to be ecstatic."

"She is." Derek agreed. "I'm her favorite. And this baby will be her favorite grandchild." Derek told her with a knowing nod.

"Derek... Don't think that way. It's not about favorites. It;s about family. And being loved." Meredith explained.

"Wow... Did Meredith just say that? Family and being loved. Honey, you are amazing." Derek told her with a chuckle.

"I knew you would realize that eventually." Meredith told him with a giggle as she sat up. "I think I'm okay now." She told him with a faint smile.

"And I think saltines and ginger ale will be a fine breakfast for you." Derek told her happily.

"Oh. Yum. Can't wait." Meredith said sarcastically as she climbed to her feet.

"Are you going to take a shower?" Derek asked as he climbed to his own feet.

"Um... Do you think I need to?" She asked with a chuckle as she looked down at the vomit on her shirt.

"Possibly." Derek agreed as he kissed her cheek and walked out.

Meredith climbed into the hot steamy water. It felt great as it ran down her body. She still couldn't get over the fact that she and Derek were going to be parents. Her hand rested on her abdomen as she leaned back against the wall. She wished it weren't so complicated. Her mom and Richard. And her friends. Adrien. She just wished that she and Derek could go back to the cabin and hide away from all eternity. But they couldn't do that. Not unless they wanted to perform surgeries on animals.

Derek put several crackers on a plate and poured Meredith a glass of ginger ale. It didn't look appetizing. And he knew how much Meredith hated saltines. She said you could eat the box and they would taste the same. And she was right. They were rotten, plain little crackers. But he knew it was going to be the only thing she would be able to keep down.

"Thanks." Meredith said softly as she sat at the table, her hair still wet form her shower.

"Bon appetite." He joked as he sat beside her and watched.

"Derek, you can eat. You don't have to sit there. I'm fine. Just eat your breakfast. There is no reason for you to suffer too." She told him frankly. "Have some muesli."

"Are you sure?" Derek asked with raised brows.

"Positive." Meredith agreed.

"You do realize that is is going to get harder and harder to keep quiet." Derek pointed out with a frown.

"Yes, I know. Especially with the morning sickness." Meredith told him with a sigh.

"Whenever you are ready..." Derek told her happily.

"Not yet... Not yet..." She muttered as she took a bite and frowned.

------------------

Going through the day was not easy. Not even close. The nausea was intense. Everything was heightened. Everyone had a smell that seemed to make her stomach churn. The soap in the scrub room nearly sent her over the edge. And any man's cologne nearly killed her. She wasn't sure how long she could go on like this before someone noticed.

"How are you feeling, honey?" Derek asked as he walked up behind her and pulled her into an embrace.

"Oh god!" She spat as she pulled away and rushed to the trash can.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked, more for the people who were around. They didn't want anyone to know. And he had to make sure they could keep it that way.

"Oh... Flu, I guess." She muttered as she wiped her mouth. They slowly began walking down the hallway and away from everyone.

"Do you want some Zofran?" Derek asked as he tipped his head and rubbed her back.

"No... I- Oh God!" She yelped as she dove for another trash can.

"Now do you?" Derek asked with a frown as he pulled her close.

"Yeah. Yes. Please." Meredith whined as she laid her head against his chest. "And please stop wearing whatever it is you are wearing."

"I'm sorry, I didn't even think about it." Derek told her with a frown. "I won't anymore."

"Thank you... I just can't handle the smells around me right now." Meredith said softly.

"Nancy was horrible about that. I was hoping you would be spared." Derek told her as he kissed her forehead.

"Us? Spared? When does that ever happen?" Meredith questioned with a chuckle. "It just doesn't..."

"I'll go get that. You lay down on the gurney." Derek told her as he pointed and then walked off.

Meredith laid back on the gurney and closed her eyes. She was praying this wouldn't go on. She was praying that she would be one of the lucky ones. She was hoping it would only last for a short period and then she could go back to the way she was. But she was worried that it wouldn't. It's not easy being a surgeon when you can't stand smells.

"Okay... So, you are pregnant, huh?" Kristy asked as she walked up to the gurney.

"What? No..." Meredith answered quickly.

"Oh no. You are. You are so freaking pregnant it's sickening. I hear you are puking your guts out. And now Derek is getting you Zofran... Pregnant. So why don't you want to tell me?" Kristy asked as she looked at Meredith.

"Oh..." Meredith moaned as she closed her eyes.

"You are my best friend. I can't believe you won't tell me. I can't believe it. Best friends. And you don't tell me." She pouted as she got in Meredith's face. "Come on... You even smell pregnant."

"That's puke." Meredith told her with a chuckle.

"You have the glow." Kristy pointed out.

"That's called lightening. The hospital actually has good lighting." Meredith answered frankly.

"You have the bump." Kristy said as she looked at her abdomen.

"What!" Meredith shouted as she opened her eyes. "There isn't a bump yet. I'm only-"

"I knew it!" Kristy said with a giggle. "How long were you going to make me wait?"

"Oh, Kris... Derek and I- We are waiting, because, you know... You can't tell him that you know. We decided we weren't telling people. You can't tell anyone. Not even Mark. Not yet." Meredith answered with concern.

"Don't worry, I won't." Kristy told her happily. "Congratulations, honey."

"Thanks, Kris." Meredith said as she accepted her hug.

Derek quickly rushed through the hospital. Meredith had been vomiting all day. Derek didn't like that. He didn't like to see her suffer. He had a part in the torture she was experiencing and he would do whatever he could to help her. Just as he headed back towards her, he nearly walked into Mark.

"What's with the shit grin on your face?" Derek asked as he looked at his friend.

"You're going to be a dad." Mark said with a smile.

"What? No... Why would you say that?" Derek asked.

"Oh come on... I saw Mer today. She is definitely pregnant. She is glowing. And she's puking non-stop. You have Zofran in your hands. You're going to be a dad..." Mark said frankly.

"You can't tell Mer or anyone else that you know. Not even Kristy." Derek said with a deep sigh.

"Seriously? Congratulations, man!" Mark said happily as he slapped him on the back. "And I am going to be an uncle."

"Yes, you are." Derek said with a grin. "And I am going to be a dad."

"Wow... That's the best news I have heard in forever." Mark told him with a smile. "I couldn't be happier for you."

"Thanks." Derek said with a smile.

Derek walked through the hallway with a huge smile on his face. No one could take it away. It was amazing. This was the best day of his life. He was going to be a father.

**So they both know...**

**Review!**


	125. Secrets Among Friends

Meredith laid her head back against Derek's chest. She was exhausted. The dehydration from vomiting all day had giving her an amazing headache that didn't seem to want to go away. She felt Derek peck soft kisses on her head as she closed her eyes. She pulled the heavy blanket up over them and let out a sigh.

"Do you still have the headache?" Derek asked softly as he rubbed her arm.

"Yes. It will not go away. And I don't want to take anything." She told him frankly. "I'm already taking the Zofram. This baby doesn't need poisoned." She said quickly.

"Do you want a hot pack? Maybe the warmth will soothe it away." Derek suggested as he kissed her again.

"Yeah. That would be great." She agreed with a nod as she pulled away and let him get up.

"I'll be right back." Derek told her as he walked out of their room and disappeared.

Meredith laid back against the soft pillows and closed her eyes. She was so lucky to have him to take care of her. She was lucky to snag one of the few great men that were still out there. Just as she started to drift off to sleep she heard him walk in.

"Here you go, honey." Derek told her softly. "I brought you some tea, too. Decaffeinated, of course." He told her as he held the cup and saucer as she sat up and leaned her back against the stack of pillows.

"Thank you..." Meredith said softly as she grabbed the cup and sat it on her lap.

"Drink that, and then you can lay down with this." Derek said as he grabbed the heat pack and placed it on her lap.

"Yes, sir." Meredith joked with a giggle.

"So.. The nurses were talking." Derek pointed out with a sigh.

"About me being pregnant? Yes, I heard them. I actually think I have convinced them otherwise." Meredith explained with a nod.

"They are nurses. You haven't convinced them of anything." Derek said with a chuckle.

"They're nurses... No one will believe them." She pointed out as she sipped her tea.

"You make an excellent point." Derek told her with a big nod.

"Do you want a sip? It's good." Meredith offered as she handed him the cup. Derek accepted it and took a long sip.

"It is." Derek agreed happily. "So... Did you see Mark and Kristy today?" He asked nervously.

Derek looked at her. He told Mark. He was feeling sick about it. He knew he wasn't supposed to, but his friend knew him better than anyone else. And Mark was a good friend, he knew it wouldn't get back to Meredith, so what was the difference?

"Um..." Meredith said with a smile as she handed Derek the empty cup. "I saw Kristy."

"Did you?" Derek asked with raise brows.

"I did." Meredith told him quickly.

She let it spill. She told their secret. She and Derek agreed to keep it a secret. They were keeping it a secret because she pushed for it. She was the one that didn't want to tell anyone. And she was the one that caved. But Kristy wouldn't tell. And Meredith wouldn't tell Derek. So now she just had to save herself.

"Did you say anything, about the baby?" Derek asked with raised brows.

"Uh... Nope. She asked and I just- Nope." Meredith mumbled as she covered her head with a warm pack.

"Oh... I see." Derek said softly.

"Did you see Mark?" Meredith asked quickly without opening her eyes.

"Mark?" Derek asked nervously. "Yep. I saw him in the hallway. He was busy. We just passed by each other. Didn't talk or anything." Derek told her with a sigh.

"You are lying!" Meredith said as she took the pack off of her head and looked up.

"What-" Derek started to defend himself.

"You told Mark! I can't believe you. You can't keep your mouth shut!" She joked as she looked at him.

"I was just so happy. And he could tell. I tried, Mer. But you know Mark. He knows things. And he could tell what was up." Derek told her quickly as he winced, waiting for her wrath.

"I may have told Kristy." Meredith admitted. "She tricked me. She said I had a baby bump. I knew I didn't and argued that it was too soon. She totally caught me." Meredith told him with a frown.

"So we both caved." Derek told her quickly.

"They have ways. It's not our fault." Meredith defended.

"They do have ways. Not at all our fault. But we aren't telling anyone else." Derek told her quickly.

"Exactly." Meredith agreed. "I love you, daddy."

"I love you too, mommy." Derek told her as he kissed her head and pulled her close.

------------------

Mark laid back in his bed. Kristy was in the shower. This was not him. Admittedly, he was a man whore. He liked sex. He never cared who it was with. He preferred tight little blondes that could scream his name and then leave. But something changed. Kristy came about. She changed him. She was the last woman he thought he would be interested in. And he never thought he could fall in love.

Something about Kristy was so simple. She made him comfortable. She made him happy. Even if she wasn't the perfect woman. Even if she wasn't arm candy, she was perfect for him. Mark watched as Kristy walked into their bedroom in her moon and star flannel pajamas. She really was perfect.

"You have a shit grin on your face, Mark Sloan!" Kristy said with a chuckle as she climbed into the bed.

"Possibly." Mark agreed with a smile.

"And why is that?" Kristy asked as she looked up at him.

"Um... No reason." Mark told her as he looked away.

"Uh huh... You have a secret. I can see it. Mark Sloan has a big secret." Kristy said as she ran her fingers down his chest.

"I do not. No secret here. You have a secret." Mark said with a chuckle.

"Me?" She asked with astonishment. "I do not have a secret."

"Oh yes, you do. When you have a secret... Your eye twitches." Mark said with a nod.

"What?" She asked in shock. "My eye isn't twitching." Kristy said as her eye twitched.

"It is. Spill it. What is the secret?" Mark asked as he looked into her eyes.

"Nope. I'm not telling you!" Kristy said as she crossed her arms across her chest.

"Kristy..." Mark warned as he rolled her over and began ticking her. "Tell me!"

"No!" Kristy cried out as she began giggling. "Stop!"

"Not until you tell me." Mark warned as he kept on.

"No!" She yelled as she crossed her legs.

"Yes." Mark spat quickly.

"I'm going to be an aunt!" She yelled loudly.

"I knew it!" Mark said with a smirk as he stopped. "She told you."

"You don't seem surprised..." Kristy stated with a questioning look in her eyes. "He told you."

"Oh my god. They both told us. Did she tell you not to tell me?" Mark asked with a laugh.

"Yeah... Did he tell you?" Kristy asked with a giggle.

"Yep." Mark agreed. "Those two are crazy." Mark laughed as he pulled her close.

"They are perfect for each other. I have never seen two people more perfect for each other in my life." She said honestly.

"I have..." Mark said with a smile as he kissed her softly. "Us."

"So falls an empire. The empire of the man whore." Kristy said with a laugh.

"Hmmm... " Mark said with a smirk. It was true.

-------------

Meredith stood above her patient. She was actually feeling good today. The Zofran was a miracle drug in her book. She was feeling pretty amazing as compared to how she had been feeling. She looked down at the child before her. She couldn't believe she was doing this. An Atrial septal defect repair. It was rare, about four in one-hundred thousand. And she was doing, while Dr. Santos watched.

"Dr. Carson... What can you tell be about ASD?" Meredith asked as she began her meticulous work on the patient's heart.

"Individuals with ASD are at an increased risk for developing a number of complications including infective endocarditis, heart failure, atrial fibrillation or

Stroke." The intern explained.

"And what are the symptoms?" Meredith asked as she continued on.

"Well, frequent respiratory infections in children, dyspnea, heart palpitations." He told her.

"Good. Very good. And you hold the retractor back just a little bit more please?" Meredith asked softly.

"Of course, Dr. Grey-Shepherd." He said with a smile as he looked up.

"Do you see it?" Meredith asked as she pointed to the defect in the heart.

"Wow... Yeah, I do." He said with a smile as he looked down at it and up at her. "What do you think her prognosis will be?"

"This is a pretty major defect." Meredith explained with a frown. "She should be okay for awhile. But I think she will begin having problems when she gets middle aged. There is only so much we can do." Meredith explained with a frown.

"So you're saying she will be dead before she's forty?" He asked with a frown.

"Dr. Santos, what is your opinion?" Meredith asked as looked up at the older doctor.

"I think you are correct, Dr. Shepherd. And Dr. Carson, the patient will have the option of a heart transplant down the road. She does not have a death sentence." He explained with a nod.

"She's just eight years old." He said as he shook his head with a frown. "It's not fair."

"Life isn't fair." Meredith pointed out with a frown. "It rarely is."

"I think you know that better than anyone." Dr. Santos told Meredith with a frown as he stepped away from the table.

Meredith was feeling great. She did an amazing surgery solo. She saved a patient for the time being. Everything seemed to be falling into place. She and Derek were happy. In fact, when she got up this morning, she caught Derek in one of the spare rooms. The nursery. He was looking in the soon-to-be nursery. But she didn't let him know she saw him. She let him have his quiet moment.

Meredith pulled off her scrub cap and began scrubbing her hands. She could see the intern looking at her out of the corner of her eye. She didn't say a word as she continued on. She couldn't wait to get home tonight. She couldn't wait to spend some time with Derek.

Meredith sauntered up to the nurses station with the chart in her hand. She didn't have anything scheduled until later in the day. She sat down in the chair and looked at the chart intently. She could feel someone looking at her, she quickly glanced up and saw a stranger's face.

"Dr. Shepherd?" The flower delivery man asked.

"Yes." Meredith said quickly.

"These are for you." He said as he handed her a huge vase of flowers and a card.

"Thank you." Meredith said in shock as she accepted the flowers.

Meredith looked at the beautiful bouquet of orchids in front of her. She always liked orchids. And the vase was beautiful. Transparent lavender, very artsy. A smile crossed her face as she opened the card. It was from Derek.

[i_Congratulations, Mommy!_

_We did it!_

_Love, Derek.[/i_

Meredith looked up to see Derek standing there in front of her. A tear slid down her cheek as she looked into his blue eyes. It was all so perfect. Too perfect. She sat the card down and stood up.

"You shouldn't have... Not yet." She said sadly.

"It will be fine, Mer." Derek said as he kissed her softly. "We are having a baby. And I want you to know how much I love you." He told her with a smile.

"I know you do." She told him quickly. "And you will make a wonderful father."


	126. Wake Up Call

They were going to dinner. It was a celebration dinner. They still hadn't told anyone besides Mark and Kristy. And they weren't planning on it. Not until she started to show. She didn't want to go through another trauma. Not for everyone to see. Derek was convinced it would be fine, but she wasn't. In fact, she was dead set that it wouldn't be. As Meredith walked into the living room, Derek looked up at her with a smile.

She was beautiful. The deep purple Rebecca Taylor slip dress fit her perfectly. It ended just at her mid thigh, showing off her long slender legs. Her hair was swept up softly with a clip and her makeup was light. Meredith had a small silver teardrop necklace hanging softly, with matching earrings.

"I have to say, my wife, you are the sexiest woman in the world." Derek told her as he held out a bouquet of flowers for her.

"What is with all of the flowers?" Meredith asked as she accepted them and his kiss.

"I bought a flower shop." Derek joked as he followed her into the kitchen, where she filled a vase with water.

"You did not." She said in shock as she looked at him.

"No. I didn't. But I want you to know how much I love you. Everyday, I see a new flower. But nothing compares to you." Derek said as he kissed her neck.

"If you keep saying that stuff, I will expect it." Meredith told him frankly.

"And I will just have to keep telling you." Derek told her as he pecked another kiss on her neck. "But seriously, you do look amazing."

"You don't look so bad yourself." Meredith told him as she sat the flowers on a table in the entrance.

"Are you ready?" Derek asked her as he grabbed their coats.

"I am." Meredith agreed with a nod as she grabbed her clutch and followed him to the garage.

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he grabbed her hand and opened her door.

"I am." She said with a smile as she climbed in.

As they drove along, Derek could see that she was nervous. Or at the very least, she was worried. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it softly. He was really hoping that they could have a happy dinner. But by the look on her face, he was thinking it wouldn't be. She had an appointment with Dr. Greyson earlier in the day, and that always seemed to put a damper on everything.

"You okay, honey?" Derek asked as he looked over at her.

"I'm-" Meredith started with a sigh. "Why are we going out?" She asked with irritation.

"Because we need to go out. We need to have a normal adult dinner. We need to talk about adult things. And we are celebrating. We are celebrating the life that we created." Derek told her softly.

"Derek... I need you to stop doing this. Stop being so happy. It will just make it harder..." She trailed off as she started to tear up.

"Meredith! I thought we decided we would stay positive." Derek said with a frown

"I'm trying. I am trying. I am just waiting for it to drop. It's like I have a bomb in my stomach. It could go off at any moment. I can't keep my hope up. It will be just that much harder when I fall." She said as she cried.

"Mer... You just need to have some faith. Just trust that it will be okay." He said quickly as he rubbed circles on her hand with his thumb.

"I'm trying." She repeated as they pulled into the parking lot of Volterra.

"Faith." He repeated as he parked the car. Meredith attempted to pull herself together as he made his way to her side of the car and opened the door.

Derek didn't say a word as he walked her into the restaurant. All her could do was be there. He knew she had to work it out on her own. She needed to figure out what she was going to do. She was going to feel the way she was. That was the complexity of Meredith.

"I wish we could have wine." Meredith said with a sigh as she looked at the list. "But water is good."

"Welcome to Volterra... Can I start you off with a bottle of wine? Perhaps an antipasti?" The waiter asked with a smile.

"Just water... We're having a baby." Derek said with a grin.

"Congratulations!" The waiter said happily. "That's wonderful."

"I think we will start off with the bruschetta volterrana and polenta and wild mushrooms." Derek said with a nod as he looked up. "And I think we are ready to order. I'll have the house salad with house dressing and the Sauteed jumbo prawns."

"Okay... And what would you like, miss?" He asked with a smile.

"Hmm... I will have the grilled ribeye steak, medium-rare and the house salad, house dressing, please." Meredith said happily.

"I will be back with your antipasti in a moment." He said as he walked away.

"Why did you do that?" Meredith asked in shock. "I thought we weren't telling anyone!"

"We're not. He doesn't know us. I had to tell someone." Derek pouted. "You have no idea how much this is killing me. I want to tell everyone. In fact, I drove through the coffee shop drive-thru this morning, just to tell someone."

"You are worse than a woman." Meredith replied as she shook her head. "We need to wait. We just- We need to wait." She repeated with a frown.

"Okay. I will try. I will just have to keep telling random people." Derek agreed.

"You are pathetic, Derek. I don't think I would ever want to share secrets with you." She giggled as she looked into his blue eyes.

"I can't help it. This baby is- I love it. It's the size of a peanut, and all I want to do it hold it. I want to carry my little peanut around." Derek told her with a chuckle.

"We are not calling the baby Peanut Shepherd." Meredith warned as she looked at him.

"Okay, how about Meredith Peanut Shepherd?" Derek asked with a smile.

"So you admit it is a girl?" Meredith said with raised brows.

"Um... No." Derek said with a frown. "It a boy. And you will see. When we do the ultrasound, you will see Mr. Peanut with a cane, hat and a monocle." He joked.

"Oh, thanks for that. Now I will only be able to imagine that when I think of the baby." She said with a laugh as she placed her hand on her abdomen. "My little peanut." The waiter quickly brought out their appetizers and sat them on the table.

"They look great." Derek said with a smile as he put some on his plate.

"Mmm... They are." Meredith agreed with a nod as she tasted it.

"You ordered steak." Derek pointed out with a smile.

"I crave it, non-stop. It's ridiculous. Meat. All I want is meat, all of the time." She said as she rubbed her stomach. "This baby is a beast."

"It is. You have a little beast inside of you." Derek laughed heartily as they ate their food.

Meredith and Derek ate their meal. But Derek could tell that she wasn't quite right. She was a little down. He wanted to talk to her about her appointment. He didn't want to overstep, but at the same time, he wanted her to know he was there for her. He looked at her as she quietly cut her steak and place it in her mouth.

"How was your appointment, Mer?" Derek asked softly.

"Fine." She muttered without looking at him.

"Do you feel better? Do you feel like you are getting somewhere?" He asked her as he ate a prawn.

"I don't know, Derek. I feel like I'm getting somewhere, but at the same time, I don't. It's almost impossible to talk to a stranger. I know he thinks I'm nuts. And I can't talk about the accident. That's the whole reason I am there, and when I try to talk about it, I just feel sick." She told him frankly.

"You say what you want to, when you feel comfortable. No one is pressuring you. And trying to push yourself won't do you any good. I just want you to feel better." Derek said quickly.

"I just- When I think about it, I'm back in that bed. Back in the bed, my head all dark, wondering where you went. I don't want to be there, Derek. It don't want to die." She said as she began to whimper.

"Oh honey, you're okay. We are fine." He told her as he grabbed her hand. "Do you want to go home?"

"I don't want to ruin our dinner. I'm okay. I just don't want to talk about it." Meredith explained frankly.

"That's oaky. We won't." He told her with a smile.

Meredith and Derek enjoyed the rest of their meal. Derek didn't talk about it. He had never realized how bad off she was. The minute she had to think about it, she was sick. He had some emotional issues with it, but nothing like she did. He had never seen how badly he really did hurt her. Not until she was forced to confront it.

----------------------

They were at a boutique. Meredith was angry. She didn't want to be there. But Derek surprised her on their way home from work. They had an appointment scheduled with Addison for later in the week, and he was feeling good. He wanted to get into it. He wanted to start living and preparing for their child.

"Derek... I would just like to go home now." Meredith said as Derek looked around the store.

"Mer... You can get whatever you want." Derek told her with a nod.

"I don't want anything. Derek, I just want to go home." Meredith whimpered as she looked at him.

"Look at this blanket." Derek said as he held up, feeling it's softness.

"I'm afraid, Derek. I am afraid to take a step." She admitted as she looked at him, near having a breakdown.

"Meredith... Buying a blanket won't make you lose this baby. If we buy socks, that doesn't mean it will die. Meredith... Come here..." He said softly as he pulled her to his chest. "Calm down."

"Okay..." She responded with a shaky tone.

"We need to do this." He told her softly. "Please try... For me."

"Okay, but only for you." She agreed with a sigh. "I don't like you right now."

"You love me." Derek told her quickly.

"I do." She agreed as she pulled him close and began looking around. "We're having a baby, Derek." She said as they began looking at onesies and unique baby items.

Meredith and Derek came home with a few various items. It was too much like last time to make Meredith feel easy about it. Derek drew her a warm bath and made her some tea while he put their new things away. He was ready to do it all. If she gave him the word, he would start painting the nursery tomorrow. He was ready. More than ready.

Meredith snuggled into Derek's side. She wanted to be okay. She wanted to be happy. She wanted to be worry-free, but it was next to impossible. She was just too afraid. The last pregnancy was holding her together. She had put so much into it. It was going to be her fresh start. And it was taken away. He had such high hopes. And they crashed down.

"I love my little peanut." Derek said softly as he kissed her abdomen.

"And your peanut loves you." Meredith responded with a smile.

"You look tired... Let's go to bed." Derek responded softly as he looked into her tired eyes.

"Let's." Meredith agreed as she pulled they blankets over them and pulled herself close to his body.

Meredith couldn't sleep. She was sleeping, but it was filled with dreams. Dreams of losing the baby. Dreams of having the baby and losing it when it grew up. She couldn't take it. She tossed and turned as her stomach knotted up. She held herself as she curled up in a ball and pushed into Derek.

Meredith woke up early in the morning. It was still pitch black outside. She could see the faint light of the moon. The alarm was ready to go off in ten minutes. It was almost time to get up. Meredith quickly winced. She was in pain. Her stomach was hurting. It was cramping. She let out a loud moan as she pulled herself out of the bed. As she walked into the bathroom, she looked down. Red was all she saw.

She was numb. She couldn't cry. She couldn't cry because she was right. She knew this would happen. Meredith peeled of her blood stained clothing and let it fall on the tile floor. She quietly flipped the water on and watched as the blood ran down the drain. It was all over. Just like that, it was over.

Meredith went through the motions. She was taking a shower just like any other day. She washed her hair and her body, watching the pink tinged water go down the drain. A life poured down the drain like it never even mattered.

Derek laid in the bed and listened. The shower was running. The alarm was seconds from going off. And Meredith was already awake. She was never already awake. Derek hit the alarm before it went off and quickly flipped the blankets back. Derek crawled out of the bed and walked towards the bathroom. His morning wood was begging for some shower action, and he was more than ready for it. That is until he walked in. His heart stopped. He looked down at the blood soaked pajamas. Then he looked into the glass shower. She was standing there, blood running down. He felt sick. He felt like he was dying.

"Oh my god..." He muttered as he looked at her.

**Yes, she did lose the baby. But there is a reason. Don't give up!**


	127. A Mess

"Oh my God!" Derek muttered as he looked at Meredith in the shower.

At that moment, Derek's heart stopped. His heart, it was broken. It was broken into two pieces. Maybe even shattered. He had been pushing her to have faith. He had been telling her that she needed to be hopeful. And she was right. He brought her up, only to let her crash farther and faster than ever.

Derek watched the blood trickle down her leg. His child's life was literally washing down the drain. He felt sick. Ill. He felt like he was dying inside. As broken as he was, she had to be more. She was the one that couldn't do it. She was that was bleeding. She was the one letting her baby wash down the drain.

"Meredith! Oh my god!" Derek yelled as he began to tear up.

"Just don't." Meredith said coldly as she flipped off the water and opened the shower door. "Don't." She repeated as she grabbed the white towel hanging on the bar and wrapped it around her.

"Meredith... Honey." Derek cried as he began to wrap his arms around her.

"Just knock it off, okay?" Meredith replied angrily as she pushed him away from her.

"I'm so sorry, baby... I'm so sorry." Derek repeated as he once again tried to hug her.

"You told me to have faith. Well you know what, my fucking faith just washed down the fucking drain. I have no faith. And if it weren't for- Fuck it. I need to get ready for work." She growled.

She was mad. Beyond mad. Irate. He told her it would be okay. He told her over and over again that they would have a healthy baby. And now what? Now a life was gone. And now she was in more pain than she ever thought she could be. If he hadn't got her hopes up, she would have been ready. She couldn't look at him. His baby was dead.

Derek looked at Meredith in shock. She was angry. All he wanted to do was hold her. And she wouldn't let him. Maybe he was wrong to get her hopes up. But he didn't know his child would die. And telling yourself that things would go awry, always made them fail. Derek couldn't take the pain he was feeling. He needed her.

"Meredith!" Derek said in desperation. "I- I'm sorry... You need-" He cried.

"Derek give me a fucking break. You are acting like a whiney ass baby. Grow the fuck up." She growled.

"Pretending this never happened will not make it go away." Derek told her as a tear slid down his cheek.

"Look, I have to get ready for work-" She started as she walked over to the mirror.

"You just lost our baby. You cannot go to work." Derek said as he grabbed her arm and tried to pull her close.

"Be a man, Derek. You have no idea how pathetic you look right now. Crying like a baby. Get a life. It's dead. Just like I told you it would be. Dead. So grow the fuck up and get out of my way, I have to get ready for work. Life goes on." She spat nastily.

"Wow." Derek said in shock as he looked at her.

"What?" Meredith snapped as she looked at his face.

For being the man she loved more than life itself, she wanted to kill him. She hated him at the moment. He convinced her to go soft. Before she fell asleep last night, she was talking to her baby. She was a waste. She couldn't even keep their child alive.

"I never thought I would see the day..." Derek mused in shock. "The day that you turned into your mother. You are as cold as Ellis Grey."

Derek immediately regretted what he said. He was angry. It was in the heat of the moment. She was hurting him. She was saying things that made him beyond irate. She told him he was weak. That he wasn't a man. It hurt. He was in pain too, and she was lashing out at him.

"Out! Get out of my house!" Meredith screamed at him as loudly as she could.

"No." Derek spat as he looked into her cold eyes.

"Yes! I want you out of my house." She yelled as she stepped toward him and pointed.

"No. And it's my house. I paid for the house. I am not leaving." Derek told her as he stood there and looked at her.

"Fine, you prick! Fine!" She yelled as she shoved him aside. "I will fucking leave."

"Meredith... I didn't mean-" Derek started to defend himself as he followed her.

"Just shut up, Derek. Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear what you have to say!" She yelled as she began packing her bags. "I will leave. You can stay in _your_ house."

"I didn't-" Derek started as he followed her to the bathroom where shut slammed the door in his face.

His house. How could he say that? Meredith pulled on her clothes. She was too angry to even function. He called her Ellis. Her mother. That was the biggest insult known to man. Meredith clenched her jaw as she threw her wet hair up into a ponytail. Her stomach was cramping, but she didn't notice the pain. She couldn't feel anything.

"Meredith..." Derek muttered as he followed her to the kitchen. "Honey." Derek said quickly as she pulled her shoes on. "What are you doing?" He asked her as she grabbed her keys and purse.

"What does it look like?" She said angrily as she opened the door and walked into the garage.

"You can't drive!" Derek yelled after her.

"The hell I can't." Meredith growled as she jumped into her Jeep and started it. Before Derek could talk, she was driving off.

Derek hurriedly got ready for work. He was sick. Not only had he lost his child this morning, but he lost his wife. As he walked by their bed, he saw the blood on the sheets. As they slept last night, she had been bleeding. Derek quickly balled up the sheets and tossed them in the trash. He had to get to work. He had to make sure she was okay.

Derek quickly drove down the road. She wasn't upset. Instead of breaking down, she was holding it in and making herself even more angry. Derek didn't know how they were going to do this. He didn't know how he was going to make her feel. She needed to feel to get over it. Holding it would only have a pressure cooker effect on her. And she did not need that.

When Derek pulled into the parking lot, he didn't see her car. Panic washed over him. All he could think was that she was dead. He took their regular route, but he didn't see her. Now he was wondering of she had went off the road and was in a ditch. As he sat in the car, she watched her Jeep pull in three spots over. As she climbed out of the car with her coffee, he was in shock. How could she possibly be drinking coffee and acting normal?

"Meredith..." Derek yelled as he ran alongside her.

"Shut up." Meredith said as she continued on.

"We need to talk." Derek told her softly.

"No. You need to talk. To yourself. Just leave me alone." She said angrily as she punched the elevator button over and over again. "Take the stairs, Derek. You wouldn't want to be on the elevator with my mother." She shot out. As the doors opened, Meredith stepped on. Derek began to follow her on. "I thought I said take the stairs!" She yelled as she shoved him back with all her might, sending him sliding across the floor on his ass. The doors shut and he disappeared.

"So... I guess I'll take the stairs then..." He muttered as he looked around at everyone standing alongside him.

Derek was slightly humiliated as he stood there. She just literally shoved him out of the elevator. He was in shock. He slowly and meekly climbed to his feet. and looked around. Mark looked over at him and shook his head.

"What was that about?" Mark asked as he looked at Derek.

"I don't want to talk about it." Derek said frankly as he made his way towards the stairs.

"You look like shit, man. You're eyes are red. What the hell is going on?" Mark pressed as he followed behind him. "Have you been crying?"

"The fucking part of I don't want to talk about it do you not understand, Mark!" Derek spat as he rushed up the stairs.

"Wow. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Mark asked with a frown.

"Rewind my life. That would be great." Derek said nastily as he walked onto the floor.

"Okay... I'll just go." Mark told him with a nod as he walked away.

"Meredith!" Derek yelled as he ran behind her.

"No..." Meredith said as she raised her hand up and walked into the locker room.

Derek stood there and watched the door shut. That broke him. To watch her walk away so cut off from life. He felt sick. He couldn't work. He wasn't sure what he could do. But he knew one thing... He couldn't stay. He couldn't go. He couldn't move.

---------------

Meredith avoided him. She wasn't even sure where he was. She didn't care. She just went on. She couldn't feel. She just kept changing her blood soaked pads and pretending that life was fine. She took a seat in the corner of the cafeteria, hoping to hide away. And it worked. At least from him.

"What the hell is going on between you and Derek?" Mark asked as he sat down, followed by Kristy.

"I don't want to talk about it." Meredith muttered as she ate her soup.

"Mer.. You don't look good You look pale, honey." Kristy told her with a frown.

"I am fine. Fucking perfect." Meredith told them quickly.

"Well, obviously you and Derek had a fight." Mark pointed out quickly.

"Yes." Meredith grumbled. "Do you think I can stay at your place tonight?"

"Of course!" Kristy said with a big nod. "The guest room is always ready for you."

"This must be bad. You never stay away. Not like that. I have seen you two stay in silence for a few hours..." Mark explained. "And that is it..."

"He said I was my mother." Meredith finally admitted.

"That bastard!" Kristy yelled loudly.

"Why the hell would he say that?" Mark asked in shock.

"I don't want to talk about it." Meredith said firmly. "I just... Can we drop it?" She asked softly.

"Of course." Kristy told her warmly as she looked at her with sad eyes.

Mark looked at Meredith. Something wasn't right. He knew Derek. And Derek loved Meredith more than anything in the world. Something had to have happened. Derek would never say something like that. He couldn't even imagine Derek saying those words to her. He shook his head as he sat there. He was in shock.

Meredith stumbled through her day. She chose to block it all out. And it was working. It was working well. By the end of the day, she was ready to just go home. Mark and Kristy gave her a spare key and she drove to their apartment in complete silence.

She felt bittersweet as she walked into the apartment that was once hers. She quickly made her way to the guest room and threw her stuff down on the floor. All she wanted to do was sleep. She couldn't think of anything else to do. There was nothing else she wanted to do. She pulled the blankets back and climbed into the bed, trying to forget everything.

It was dark. Her life was dark. The guilt she was feeling made everything black. She knew deep in her heart that Derek did not mean what he said. And she knew when she was so cold to him that she was really hurting him. But she didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to act.

Mark and Kristy walked into the dark apartment. They hadn't seen Derek. Kristy was glad she didn't see him. She was already angry with him, but Mark, was suspicious. He didn't believe that this all came out of no where. They looked around, not seeing Meredith anywhere.

"She's sleeping." Kristy pointed out as she peeking into her room.

"I wonder what is going on?" Mark asked with a frown. "This is not good."

"Maybe we should order some pizza. Mer likes pizza, right?" Kristy asked with a frown.

"She does. But I have a feeling she won't be eating tonight." Mark told her quickly.

"She needs to eat for the baby." Kristy pointed out frankly.

"Why don't you take a shower, and I will call in the pizza..." Mark suggested.

"Okay. We will just let her sleep for now." Kristy said with a sigh as she disappeared.

The minute Kristy disappeared, Mark pulled out his Blackberry. He couldn't leave it like this. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he knew that Derek was the person she needed. Even if she was mad at him, she needed him.

Derek looked down at his Blackberry. He was praying it was Meredith. He had no idea where she went. He was worried. He was almost in a panic. He thought she would come home, and he was shocked when she didn't.

[i_I don't know what is going on... Mer is here, sleeping. I think she needs you. -M[/i _Mark typed in quickly, waiting for a response.

_[iShe is there? I'll be right over... -D[/i _Derek quickly responded as he jumped in his car.

Derek sped to Mark and Kristy's. He didn't care if he got a ticket. He needed to make sure she was okay. Not only emotionally, but physically. He didn't like that she was bleeding heavily, she had a miscarriage and she was walking around like nothing had happened.

Kristy walked into the dark room. Meredith's figure was slight in the moonlight. She was breathing quietly. No snoring. She was definitely awake. Kristy walked over to the bed and rubbed her shoulder as she sat down.

"Mer, honey... Are you hungry?" Kristy asked as she walked into the room.

"No. I just need to be alone." Meredith said with a sad tone. "And don't tell Derek I am here... If he calls... Don't tell him."

"All right, honey." Kristy agreed as she looked down at her. "You need to eat..." Kristy told her.

"I'm not hungry. Please. Just let me be." Meredith frowned as she glanced up.

"Okay." Kristy agreed with a sigh. "You rest..."

Derek felt sick as he pulled into the guest parking spot. He was glad that Mark let him know where she was. He thought she may be there, but he wasn't sure. He quickly ran to the door and knocked. There was no answer. Then finally Kristy opened the door.

"She's not here." Kristy lied as she looked at him.

"I know she is." Derek said as he pushed the door open a little.

"She doesn't want to talk to you." Kristy told him frankly.

"She needs me. Please, let me in." Derek pleaded.

"Let him in, Kris. He is the only one that can help her." Mark said with a frown.

"Fine." She grumbled as she pulled the door open. "But if you hurt her..."

"I won't." Derek said frankly. He screwed up. But now he was fixing it. Period.

**Okay... I received some PMs and Reviews from people that were either mad or upset about this. First of all, you have hung on through 126 chapters! That is amazing. Why give up now? I did research, and generally it takes 3 lost pregnancies to be considered problematic. Mer does have a problem. But no matter HOW bad it looks, it will be OKAY. You guys are lucky I tell you these things. I could let you think the worse. So please...hold on!**

**And Review. Nice ones, please.**


	128. Bad News

Derek walked into the dark room. It was so stupid. He wasn't even sure why he said it. Well, really he was sure. It hurt him. She disregarded his pain. She acted like he had no right to be hurting. She made him feel weak and stupid for caring. That was why he said it. Although he didn't mean to say something that hurtful. It was the first thing that came out.

Meredith was curled up on the bed. She wasn't sleeping. She was staring out the window at the moon. She wasn't saying anything. She wasn't crying. She was numb. It broke his heart. His heart broke because his wife was broken. She was beaten down. And his baby was dead.

He was there to fix it. But even more so, he was there to make sure she was okay. He wasn't to make sure she was physically okay. All he could think of what her going septic because she didn't expel all of their child. And the bleeding. He had no idea how much she was bleeding. He knew something was wrong. This shouldn't happen twice.

Derek crawled in the bed with her. She was limp. She didn't tense up. She didn't pull away. She didn't melt. She remained the same. His arms wrapped around her as he pulled her close. He nestled his face into her neck as he breathed her in. He couldn't take the pain he was feeling.

_[iLife is beautiful_

_We live until we die[/i_

"Meredith..." Derek whispered softly. "I know you are hurting. I am hurting too. No matter how you feel, I am hurting. I didn't mean to say that to you. I didn't. When I- I lost something too. And you acted like it was nothing. That is no excuse, but it hurt. You hit me in the gut. We lost our baby. And I am so sorry that I tried to get your hopes up. I'm so sorry that I gave you hope and it happened this way. We lost our baby, Mer... And you need to cry, baby." He whispered as the tears slid down his cheeks.

"I can't." She said frankly. "I don't have the right to cry."

"That is bullshit." Derek growled. "You have done nothing wrong." Derek said frankly.

"I can't even keep our child alive, Derek." She said coldly.

"Something is wrong, Meredith. Something is really wrong here. You shouldn't have- This doesn't happen over and over again. I want you to go to Addie. I want you to get checked out." Derek told her frankly.

_[iWhen you run into my arms,_

_We steal a perfect moment._

_Let the monsters see you smile,_

_Let them see you smilling.[/i_

"I'm fine, Derek. I just have a poisonous uterus. I'm just toxic." She said without blinking.

"I'm worried. You can't let this go again. You may not have gotten it all out. You need to be looked at. There is a reason, Mer. I don't want to go down the road like nothing happened. I can't bear the thought of losing you over something stupid." He said as he began to cry.

"Derek..." Meredith said as she spun around and looked at him.

"I lost my babies... I can't lose their mom." He said as he sobbed.

_[iDo I hold you too tightly?_

_When will the hurt kick in?[/i_

He sobbed. He sobbed because he was worried. All he could think about what cancer. Cervical cancer. Ovarian cancer. Something wasn't right. And the thought of not getting her checked out made him sick. The thought of letting it go until it was too late made him ill. If he lost her, this time he would die. This time he would make sure he did. There was no going on without her.

"I can't be without you, Mer. Do it for me, Mer... Please, do it for me!" He cried out.

Meredith's face softened as she looked at him. He was broken, and she couldn't not break with him. Looking into his eyes made her realize how much pain he was in. He was carrying the worry of the world on his back. As much pain as she was in, she couldn't watch him like this.

_[iLife is beautiful, but it's complicated._

_We barely make it._

_We don't need to understand,_

_There are miracles, miracles.[/i_

"We lost our baby..." She wailed softly as she buried her head into his chest.

"I know, baby, I know." He whispered into her hair. She grasped his shirt with her hands and let the tears soak through.

"All I wanted to do was give you a child. I can't even do that. The one thing a woman should be able to do, and I can't do it for you." She cried as she felt his hand rub her back.

_[iYeah, life is beautiful._

_Our hearts, they beat and break.[/i_

"It's not your fault. It wasn't meant to be. Everything happens for a reason, Mer. This wasn't meant to be. It will be okay. We can move on because I have you. And you have me. We will make it because we have each other. I will take care of you. This is not your fault, and I could never blame you. And you are not your mother. You are in pain, and you have got to let it out. Let it out, Mer. Please, let it out." Derek begged as she cried harder and harder. "This isn't the end. There is no end for us. We will make it. And we will not give up, do you hear me?"

_[iWhen you run away from harm,_

_Will you run back into my arms,_

_Like you did when you were young?_

_Will you come back to me?_

_I will hold you tightly_

_When the hurting kicks in.[/i_

"You can't ever let me go. Even when I push." She whimpered. "Ever."

"I won't, Mer. I will not." He told her as he kissed her neck.

"I'm sorry, Derek. I did try. I know you couldn't see it, but I did try this time." Meredith mumbled softly.

"You tried last time too. Don't worry, baby. We can do it. Eventually, we will do it. I love you do much." He said as he held her.

_[iLife is beautiful, but it's complicated, _

_we barely make it._

_We don't need to understand,_

_There are miracles, miracles._

_Stand where you are._

_We let all these moments pass us by.[/i_

Meredith and Derek laid in each other's arms. He was relieved She may have been sobbing heavily, but she was feeling and accepting what happened. Derek held her until they both fell asleep. Kristy quietly peeked into the room and looked at the pair.

"They are asleep." Kristy said with a faint smile. "I hope they are okay. I wonder what they were fighting about?"

"Whatever it is, it looks like they will be fine." Mark said as he leaned over and kissed her softly.

_[iIt's amazing where I'm standing,_

_There's alot that we can give._

_This is ours just for the moment,_

_There's alot that we can give._

_It's amazing where I'm standing, _

_There's alot that we can give. _

_This is ours just for the moment, _

_There's alot that we can give. [/i_

---------------------------

Things somehow felt better as they laid in each other's arms. Even of Derek hadn't apologized, she knew he didn't mean it. But he did, and she had him. That was all she needed. That was Meredith. Push him away when you need him the most. Derek didn't sleep well. Meredith did, but not Derek. He continued to worry about her. And he was getting sick.

"Where are you going?" Derek asked as Meredith pulled away and climbed out of the bed.

"To the bathroom." She said softly as she continued on.

"Mer?" Derek asked as he watched her figure disappear. "Are you bleeding heavy?"

"No more than before." Meredith said frankly as she looked over her shoulder. "I'm okay, Derek."

"You're sure?" He asked as he cocked his head.

"You can rest, I'm not going anywhere." Meredith told him with a nod as she walked out. She quickly came back and crawled into the guest bed with him.

"I worry. All I do is worry. And I know that isn't your fault. But I do. So promise me you will see Addison tomorrow. I will come with you." Derek said softly.

"I will call her and try to get an appointment." Meredith told him frankly. "That's all I can do. But the cramping is getting milder. I'm okay."

"Okay." Derek agreed as he held her body tightly.

Meredith snugged deep into Derek's side and closed her eyes. She was able to sleep in his arms. Derek laid on his side, spooned up against her, staring out the window. All he could wonder was what they would do if she couldn't have children. What would he even want to do. He wanted her children. It never came to his mind that they couldn't. He bought the house for the children they were going to have. He planned on having six. And now, they very well could have none. And he knew that he couldn't put her through it. He couldn't expect her to keep putting herself through hell.

Morning came slowly for Derek. He needed to pee, but he couldn't leave her. He heard Mark and Kristy banging things around. But he couldn't get up. He had to lay there. His eyes stared at her closed ones until she finally opened them.

"Good morning, baby." Derek said as he kissed her nose.

"Good morning." She mumbled as she closed her eyes.

"How do you feel?" Derek asked as he kissed her temple.

"That is a loaded question." She told him frankly. "Right now, I want to die." She admitted.

That broke his heart. He didn't expect her to be so frank. He thought she would mumble the usual "I'm fine." But she didn't. She told him the truth. A lie may not have convinced him, but it would have softened the blow. He wasn't sure what he could do to make her feel any differently.

"Okay." Derek said as he swallowed hard.

"Derek... It's not you. You're great. I love you and I would never- I just- I'm sad. I feel like the world is spinning and I am in a mess. I want to be able to give you what you want. And- God, I love you. But I am hurting you. I know I am. You suffered for 14 years because of me. And now, I am still hurting you. I would never leave you. Never on my own. Never because I want to. But sometimes I think you would have been better off if I had died. I know you don't agree... But-" Meredith said sadly.

"Stop. I do not want to hear it, okay. Ever! I love you for you. You are my Meredith. You could kick me to the curb and stomp me into the storm drain. You are the love of my life. Forever. And honey, I am not suffering. It is I who is lucky." He said as he kissed her.

"So you are in it... For the torture and all?" Meredith asked with a giggle.

"You bet your ass I am." Derek said with a grin.

"I love you." Meredith said softly as she looked into his eyes. "Even if you do think I am my mother."

"You know I didn't mean that." Derek said with a sigh.

"Well, I kind of was my mother." Meredith agreed with a sad frown.

"No. You could never be her. You don't have that in you." Derek told her as he kissed her softly.

"You have surgery." Meredith mumbled as she pulled herself out of the bed.

"I do. But I am going to reschedule." He told her as he climbed out of the bed.

"No. You need to move on. We both need to move on." Meredith said frankly.

"Mer..." Derek muttered softly.

"Nope. I won't listen to it." She told him frankly. "And we need to go out and investigate. I'm sure Mark and Kristy want us out of here." She said quickly as she opened the door.

"Morning." Mark and Kristy said softly as Meredith walked out.

"Breakfast?" Mark asked as he handed her a plate.

"I'm okay." Meredith said as she held up her hand. Her stomach was queasy and she couldn't handle food.

"Mer, you need to eat for your baby." Kristy pointed out. Derek looked up with wide-eyes.

"You're right." Meredith mumbled as she sat at the table and began picking at the food in front of her.

"So are you guys okay?" Mark asked with wide eyes.

"We are great." Derek said with a faint smile as he rubbed Meredith's back.

She was blue. She was sad. But she had Derek. He was what she needed to get through this mess. She was fortunate to have him. Even when she felt like she would dive over the edge, looking at him made her pull back. He was the only one that could ever save her. From the world. From herself.

-----------------

Meredith nervously drove to Seattle Presbyterian. Derek didn't know that she was driving. He told her to take a cab. He would have went with her, but he was pulled into an emergency craniotomy on a child. Meredith couldn't bear the thought of someone else loosing a child, so she went on.

She was afraid. Afraid of what Addison would say. She wasn't sure why, but she couldn't take the thought. She just had a feeling. Driving there, she was in a trance. That was probably not the way to be, but that was it. She was out of it. When she pulled into the parking lot, she took a deep breath and laid her head back against the seat.

Meredith hated this hospital. It was a nice hospital. But it was Ellis'. It was her mother's domain. She hated being in a place where her mother ruled supreme. Of course there were higher ups, but she was a big wig. And she was someone that would take advantage of it.

"Dr. Shepherd..." A nurse said with a smile as she held her chart.

Meredith nodded her head and followed. The nurse didn't ask any questions. She quickly slipped out of the room and slid the chart into the holder. It was quiet, and sterile. And she didn't want to be there. Not today.

"Meredith..." Addison said with a weak smile as she walked in. "I am so sorry, honey."

"Oh, Addie..." Meredith muttered as she looked away. It seemed now crying came easy. Now her emotions were all over the place.

"When?" Addison asked softly.

"Yesterday morning." Meredith said as the tears ran down. "I- I'm sorry... Can you just hurry?" Meredith asked with a frown.

"I want to do a vaginal... I want to make sure everything was expelled." Addison told her softly.

Meredith nodded before laying her head back and scooting down. She hated this. She didn't liken anyone down there. Not anyone beside Derek. It was uncomfortable as Addison slid the speculum in. Meredith winced as the tears fell hard. Addison didn't say a word as she looked. Meredith wasn't sure what was taking so long, but it seemed like it was forever. Maybe it was just her nervousness taking over.

"Well, you have expelled the fetus." Addison said with a frown. "I'm going to take some tests." She said quickly.

"Okay. Is everything okay?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"We talked about this scarring before. It seems a bit worse. I want to take some tests, but I don't want you to worry." Addison told her with a smile.

"Okay." Meredith agreed with a frown.

Meredith laid back as Addison took swabs and samples. Blood was drawn and a full work up was ordered. Addison managed to convince Meredith to eat lunch with her as they waited for the tests to come back. This wasn't protocol, but they were friends, and Addison was concerned.

The lunch was quiet. Addison tried talking about everything under the sun except for the tests and the baby. She didn't want Meredith to worry needlessly. She watched as Meredith sadly picked at her salad. She was sad, but she wasn't fading. It was the bod between she and Derek that saved her every time.

Meredith sat in front of Addison's desk. She was reading over the pages of results before her. She had the ability to be completely quiet about it. Her face didn't change as she read. As she hit the bottom of the page, she let out a sigh. How could she ever tell her friend?

"Just tell me, okay?" Meredith said as she looked at Addison.

"How have your periods been?" Addison asked with a frown.

"Uh. Well, I haven't really been having any." Meredith admitted with a wince.

"Oh, Meredith... But you've had the bloating and cramping. Just no blood." Addison said knowingly.

"Yeah." Meredith said with a frown. "Is it okay?"

"I-" Addison started softly.

"No anesthesia, no lidocaine, just tell me. Whatever it is, tell me!" Meredith demanded as she was near the verge of crying.

"I'm not really sure how to say this..." Addison said with a frown. "You have Asherman's, Mer."

"And?" Meredith said as her face scrunched, trying to stop the tears.

"It's a uterine disease, most likely acquired from your first D&C. You have adhesions in your uterus. It's classified from mild to severe. And Mer, you-" She choked up. "You have the severe. It has gotten much worse since the last time I looked." She said as she looked at her friend.

"What are you saying, Addie?" Meredith asked as she looked into her eyes.

"Mer... The chances of you being able- I don't think you will very be able to carry a child..." She said as a tear ran down her cheek.

**HAVE FAITH!**


	129. Falling Together

Meredith couldn't sit there. She felt like there was a bomb going off inside of her. It was like any bit of hope that she ever had was gone. Everything was so far from reach as she sat there. She could feel it slipping away. She could see it slipping away. Everything she ever planned was gone. Everything that she and Derek planned on building was turning to rubble.

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked in a panic. "I was pregnant. I can have a baby. I can!"

"Mer... This is hard. You are like family. I- It's not about getting pregnant. It's about holding the pregnancy. And with that much scarring in your uterus, it's impossible for a fetus to survive." Addison said as she walked around the desk.

"No!" Meredith yelled as she stood up. "You're lying, Addison! You are lying. This isn't- I can, Addie. I know I can. I can have a baby. I can do it for Derek." She said as she began to sob.

"Mer..." Addison said as she forced her into a hug. "I am here for you. This will be okay."

"This will be okay? How will it be okay? You are saying I will never have a baby. I will never live the life that I have planned. How is that okay?" She cried. "It's not. It's not..."

"Meredith... There are options. Adoption. Surrogacy. There are options." Addison explained warmly.

"No! Those aren't options! That is not what I want. I want a baby. I want to carry Derek's baby... Why? Why?" She cried as she pulled away. She quickly wiped the tears and rushed out.

"Mer... Don't go. You shouldn't drive!" Addison yelled as Meredith ran out the door. "Oh my God..." Addison said as she watched Meredith run.

Addison quickly leaned against the wall and slid down. She couldn't hold it together anymore. The tears streamed down as she pulled her knees to her chest. She never thought she would have to tell her friend that. The look on Meredith's face would haunt her forever. It was a look of defeat. It was a look made her sick. Like it was the end of the world.

Addison stood up and grabbed her phone on her desk. She needed to tell Derek. She wasn't technically allowed to. Doctor-patient confidentiality kept her from saying anything about someone's health. But this was different. These were her oldest friends. As she listened to it ring, she regretted not chasing Meredith. The worry was building in her stomach. The worry of Meredith driving when she was that upset. Derek's phone went to voicemail. A call the desk proved her was in surgery. She couldn't leave a message. Not about that.

Meredith ran down the hallway in a panic. She was over. Her life was over. The door to the stairwell flung open and she pulled it with her hand. Stair after stair she ran. She couldn't stand being in her own body. She just wanted to leave it behind. It had always failed her. She suffered miserably for years with her back. And now her reproductive system was a failure.

Meredith ran hard. One wrong step and she would fall. She would tumble like her life was. As she got to a landing between floors she stopped. The pain took over. The tears took over. The anger took over. She let out a screaming wail as she hit the wall. Life was not fair. Never fair.

"Why me? WHY?" She screamed as she pounded the wall.

"Meredith!" Richard yelled as he rushed up the stairs. "Oh my God! What is wrong?" He shouted as he pulled her away from the wall she was beating. "Your hands..." He said as he looked at blood and redness.

"I can't- I- I-" She panted as she tried to get oxygen in her lungs. "I am- Worth...less-" She struggled to let escape from her lips.

"What happened to you?" Richard questioned as he pulled her close to him. "Honey... You have to tell me what is wrong."

"I need Derek." She sobbed loudly as she pulled away. " I need him. I need Derek!" She shouted as she spun around.

"Where is Derek?" Richard asked as he ran down the stairs after her.

Richard followed Meredith down through the lobby and to her car. He watched as she shook uncontrollably as she tried to push the door lock. Her hands shook so hard that she could barely open the door. Richard quickly rushed to her side and grabbed her keys.

"I will drive you. You cannot drive." He told her as he led her to the side of the car and helped her in. He rushed to the other side and started the car. "Where is Derek at?"

Meredith didn't answer. She sobbed as she sat in the seat. Richard had no idea what was wrong with her. His only thought was Addison. Addison was the only reason she would have to be at Seattle Presbyterian. He looked at her as she sat their with not a shadow of hope inside of her.

"Is Derek at Seattle Grace?" Richard asked as he looked over at her. A faint nod, proved the answer was yes, and he quickly drove that way.

Meredith sat and cried. She looked out the window as everything went by. She knew people had traumas. She knew that life wasn't perfect for anyone. But at the moment, she felt life was incredibly cruel to her. She felt like she had it worse than anyone. Life passed by out the window. And hers just died.

"I need you to tell me what is wrong, honey." Richard said softly as he looked at her. She quickly nodded her head no. Not because she didn't want to tell him. Because she couldn't say it. Saying it made it real. "Are you okay? Are you sick?" He asked in a panic. She nodded her head yes as they came closer to Seattle Grace. "Are you sick?" He repeated. She nodded her head yes as they pulled up. Meredith quickly jumped out when she stopped the car. All she wanted was Derek. He was what she needed.

Tunnel vision. You can have it. And Meredith had it. She looked crazy. She looked insane as she rushed through the hospital. But she never noticed. Richard rushed behind her as she took the stairs two at a time. Doctors Carter and Eastman looked in shock as she ran by the surgical board, seeing that Derek was in surgery. She didn't care that she was in her clothes. She rushed right into the scrub room of OR2 and looked up.

Derek looked up. He was just getting read to close his patient. He didn't need to talk to her to see that something was wrong. Her face. It took years off of his life just looking at it. It was full of despair. He dropped his tools as he stood there in shock. She looked dead. She looked unhealthy. She looked like her life was over.

"Is everything okay, doctor?" A scrub nurse asked as she looked at him.

"Close... Someone close." He muttered distractedly.

He never took his eyes off of hers as he walked away from the table and began peeling off his scrub cap and gloves. The doors opened as he neared. The minute he neared he put his arms out to her. Meredith collapsed, pulling him down to the floor with her. Derek sat his back against the wall as she laid on the floor, her head in his lap.

The first thing one would do, it seems, would be to ask what was wrong. But he couldn't. He knew. He didn't know exactly what was wrong, but he _knew_. And it didn't matter. It didn't matter what was wrong, because right now she needed to cry, and he needed to hold her. In ten minutes, in an hour, it would still be wrong. And in ten minutes, in an hour, she would talk. And he would be there.

In Derek's lap, she was still in pain. But it wasn't as bad. The connection of the two of them so strong. Just him being there made her feel like she could survive. She could and would survive because of him. Derek stroked her head and she cried tears that soaked through his scrub pants. The surgery was over. The nurses came out. They looked down at her, not knowing what was wrong. Meredith didn't move as the quickly washed their hands and left. They didn't care. Meredith and Derek didn't care that people were looking. He couldn't move her. Not yet.

"Honey..." Derek said softly as her tears stopped as she laid there, breathing hard. "I love you."

Those words only made her cry harder. She knew that he did. And she knew that he would never blame her. She knew that he loved her unconditionally. And that was was hurt. She couldn't tell him yet. And so she laid there. She laid there for what seemed like hours. Derek knew they had to leave. He knew that another surgery would be starting. He looked up as his intern for the day peeked his head in.

"Dr. Shepherd? We have another case..." The intern stated.

"Reschedule it. All of them. Tomorrow too." Derek told him frankly.

"But Dr. Shepherd..." He said quickly.

"Do it. Now. And let Dr. Bailey know that the other Dr. Shepherd will not be in today or tomorrow." Derek said frankly.

The intern looked at them and quickly exited. Derek continued to rub her back as she laid there staring into space. They needed to get out of there. He needed to get her home. They needed to be alone. He couldn't push her. But he didn't want to leave her to be a spectacle. Just as he got ready to speak, she looked up.

"Home." She muttered as she crawled to her feet.

"Home." Derek agreed as he pulled her close and walked out of the scrub room.

As soon as they walked out, everyone looked up and whispered. Surely there was some kind of good gossip to be had. Derek looked up, seeing Richard. He didn't have any feeling towards Richard. He was neutral. But it was obvious that Richard knew something.

"Here are her keys." Richard said as he walked up and held them out.

"You brought her here?" Derek asked.

"I did. She couldn't drive. Or talk..." Richard muttered as they walked along. Derek walked her into the elevator. "Would you like me to follow you to the apartment and take a cab, or leave it here?"

"Follow us, if you can. To the house." Derek said, realizing that Richard didn't even know that they gotten a house.

"Oh... Okay." Richard said with a nod as they walked out.

Derek helped Meredith into the car. She was physically weak from being mentally exhausted. She didn't even buckle her seat belt. He had to do it for her. She laid her head back and let the tears fall. It was bad, he knew that much. But she would tell him. She would tell him when she was ready.

The cab was waiting for Richard when they got there. Derek had given him the address when they left the hospital. He was sick with worry, but it wasn't his place. Derek took care of her. She needed Derek. Richard gave up his rights when he and Ellis made decisions that were not theirs to make. Not knowing what was wrong with his daughter, he climbed in the cab. He wondered if she would ever let him know.

Derek held Meredith as they walked into the house. He took her straight to their bedroom. She still had tears running down her face as he walked her in. Derek stopped her and pulled her top off, exchanging it for a comfortable tee shirt. He helped her take her jeans off and helped her into a pair of flannel pants. They walked over to the bed and laid down.

They looked in each other's eyes. If they blinked, it was rarely. Her eyes were red. They were bloodshot. They looked painful. Derek rubbed her side as she looked at him, ready to crack. She was ready to spill. He couldn't take it. He had to know.

"Derek..." She muttered softly as her face scrunched up.

"Tell me. No matter how bad it is, tell me." Derek said as he looked at her, ready to cry himself. "What did Addie say?"

"I- I- I have Asherman's." She got out before she began to sob loudly.

Panic went through Derek. He went through the gynecology rotation just like everyone else. But he didn't remember that. Was it fatal? Would she die? What would happen? What did it mean? He pulled her closer as she cried.

"What is it, Mer... I need to know... What is it doing to you? Oh god... I can't lose you!" He said as the tears welled up.

"I will be okay." She choked out as she looked at him. "But not- Oh god, Der... I am so sorry." She cried out loudly. "I can't give you what you need... I can't have kids, Derek. I can't have kids!" She sobbed as she turned into mush.

"Oh my God..." Derek said in shock.

That was not what he thought it would be. That was devastating in it's own right. But she wasn't dying. He was expecting cancer. He was expecting a fight for her life. And to find out they couldn't have kids was the biggest relief and heartache all at once. The tears began to fall along with hers as they held onto each other.

"It's okay, Mer. We can get through this. It's okay." Derek told her as he kissed her head.

"I should be able to do this for you." Meredith cried softly. "I just want to carry your child..."

"I want you to, too. But I want you. I need you. And I would choose only you. Are you okay? Mer.. Are you going to be okay? This- Asherman's... Will you-" He choked as he tried to say it.

"It won't kill me." She said frankly. "Not physically."

That got him. Not physically. But mentally it had. Mentally it wanted to take her down a hard path and drag her through the mud. Mentally it wanted to take her deep into the darkness and never let her back up. And Derek would not let that happen. He would not let her fall. Never.

"Honey. I have you." He told her as he help her closely. "All I want is you. If I had to choose... It's you. I don't care about anything else. We will get through this, Mer. We can do it."

"I just need you to hold me and tell me that, Der. Please." She said as she snuggled into his side.

Derek held her until she fell into a sound sleep. After she snored, that was when he lost it. That was when he let the pain rip through him. Derek pulled away from her and replaced his body with a pillow. He made it to the bathroom before he let go. He looked in the mirror and placed his hands on the counter before he bawled. Their happiness was gone. He wasn't even sure where to go from here. He had her. That was all her wanted. But at the same time, their whole future had just changed, leaving Meredith feeling as if she couldn't fulfill her sole purpose in life... To make Derek happy.

**This is rough. But life is rough. Happy endings always!**


	130. Cry

Derek could barely pull himself together. He was supposed to strong for her. She needed him to be strong for her. But he was feeling pathetic and weak. He couldn't stop crying. And crying was something his father never did. He father always said it made a man weak. But he couldn't stop. He couldn't make the pain go away. He would have to pull himself together, so that he be there for her.

Derek walked back into their room. Meredith was snoring loudly. He wanted nothing more than to be in her bed. And he wanted nothing more than to be out of her bed. He wasn't sure what to do or where to go. He felt stuck and suspended all at the same time. Derek walked down to the kitchen and poured her a glass of water. He grabbed a few aspirin and walked back upstairs. They would both need them.

"Where were you?" Meredith croaked as she looked up at him.

"I went to get you aspirin. How are you feeling?" Derek asked softly. "Physically. How are you physically?"

"Okay. My head hurts. But I'm okay, Derek. No pain." She said softly.

"Take these, You need to rest. Your body needs rest." Derek told her as he held them out.

"Thank you, Derek." Meredith said softly as she took them from his hand.

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he handed her the glass of water.

"I can't eat." Meredith told him frankly. "I'm sorry..." She trailed off as she began to cry.

"Oh honey... It's okay." Derek said softly as he laid beside her.

"I'm trying. I am trying to be okay. But it's hard. It is so hard. It hurts, Derek. It hurts so bad." She admitted as she nestled into his side.

"I know, baby. I know. We'll be okay. And it's okay to be upset. You are allowed to be sad." Derek told her as he kissed her softly.

"It's because of the baby. The first one. That is why this has all happened. I don't get it, Derek. I don't understand why we have to suffer." She said as she cried.

"Life throws things at us. All we can do is roll with the punches." Derek pointed out. "We need to go back to talk to Addison."

"No, Derek. I don't want to." She said in a panic. "I can't go back."

"Mer... We need to hear her out. I want to know. We need to what is going on." Derek told her firmly.

"We know. I can't have kids. We know." Meredith told him frankly.

"Mer... It would make me feel better. It's up to you... But I just- I want to know exactly what is going on. I want to know, Mer." Derek pleaded. "And I am sure you didn't stick around to hear."

"I don't want to know. I'm afraid to know." She told him quickly.

"Pretending it isn't true won't make it go away." Derek told her frankly. "Will you go with me? Please?" Derek asked with a frown. Meredith nodded her head yes faintly.

"Do you think it would have lived?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him. "The first baby."

"No, Mer... I don't think it would have." Derek said with deep regret.

"Why... Why, Derek. What is wrong with me?" Meredith cried loudly.

"The accident did so much damage to your body. I don't think the baby could have survived surgery after surgery that you went through. You couldn't even breathe on your own. You we such a mess, baby. It wasn't your fault. It was the accident. As much as I hate what your mother did, I don't think it would have been okay if she hadn't ended it." Derek said frankly.

"It's her fault, Derek. If she didn't do it- It's her fault. That first D&C is what did this to me. It is her fault. And now I can't give you children. I'm so sorry, Derek. I know you had dreams. And I shattered them. That's all I have been doing." She told him as she began to sob.

"No honey. No. Dreams are dreams. This may be a mess right now. And it may be hurting like hell. But this is my dream. You are my dream. Holding you when you are in pain is my purpose in life. This is what I live for. I live for you. So no, you are not killing our dreams. Dreams are meant to be broken. Dreams are meant to change. We will live our dreams, each day at a time." He whispered into her ear.

"I want to be okay. And I will be. I just need time. I just need you." Meredith replied as she closed her eyes.

Derek laid there as she remained in his arms. She wasn't sleeping, but she was silent as she attempted to draw in steady breaths. She was hurting. He could feel her pain. He could feel it radiating from him to her. And he would absorb it. He would absorb the pain and pull it into himself until he went necrotic. Anything to save her from feeling it.

Derek meant it. Every word of it, he meant it. His dreams were cast aside, floating on an ocean of rocky waves. But in his heart, he chose to remain hopeful. He chose to believe that they would get through this and that it would be all okay. Eventually the sea would calm and throw his dreams back to him. They would retrieve them from the broken shore and start again. He was hopeful.

------------------

Mark and Kristy were hearing it. Meredith Grey-Shepherd freaked out again. She fell apart and laid in the scrub room for and hour. She was out of her mind again. She cried to Derek. All he did was try to hold his crazy wife together. It was a never ending job. They didn't like hearing that. They didn't want to hear that their friend was having a breakdown, and they didn't even know why.

"What do you think is going on?" Kristy asked as Mark left the hospital and drove home.

"My guess, she lost the baby." Mark stated with a frown.

"No! Don't even say that!" Kristy spat quickly. "They- She couldn't have."

"From what I heard, she was really upset. Mer can generally hold herself together. And that would drive her over the edge." Mark explained.

"I don't know if she could handle it, Mark. I don't know if she could keep it together." Kristy told him with concern. "I need to cook. We- I need to cook. We will take them dinner."

"Kris, I'm sure that they just want to be alone." Mark told her quickly.

"They need to eat. We don't have to stay. But I am cooking and we will take it to them. They are our friends and they need to know that we are there for them. So we are going, Mark Sloan. Period!" She demanded as she looked over.

"Okay." Mark told her with a nod. "If you are so hell-bent on it, we will do it."

Mark and Kristy made a quick stop at the grocery store. She decided she would make them stuffed chicken breasts. She quickly went through, finding all the ingredients she would need. That was what she did. She had to comfort people. And the only was she knew to day that for them was by cooking.

"Why would she lose another baby?" Kristy asked with a frown as she made the mashed potatoes.

"Kris, I hope you are kidding me! Like I know what is going on with Meredith's reproductive system!" He said in shock as he looked up at her.

"It's probably Derek." Kristy said with a frown. "Maybe something is wrong with his guys."

"It's not Derek. Kris, she had a huge trauma. You did not see it. We thought she was dead. She was dead. They brought her back over an over again. It was amazing. So to say- She could have problems. It's not Derek. And I don't want to talk about his junk, okay?" Mark asked firmly.

"Geez, Marky. I was just- Are you jealous?" Kristy asked with a giggle.

"Of what, Derek's package?" Mark asked with confusion.

"Yeah." Kristy joked. "His package..." She laughed. "I don't know... I just- They have a really great relationship. Do you wish you had that?"

"I do have that. I have that with you." Mark said with a big smile. "I have you."

"You are such an idiot." Kristy said as she walked over and kissed him. "The food is almost done."

"Good. I want to get this over with." Mark said frankly. "Because I am fairly sure that Derek will kill us. Mainly me, because I didn't stop you."

"Meredith needs to eat. She needs to keep her strength up, no matter what is wrong." Kristy told him frankly as she began packaging things up.

"Okay." Mark muttered as he shook his head and stood up.

Mark and Kristy climbed into Mark's car and drove quietly. Kristy looked out the window, thinking about every possible scenario. She couldn't even imagine what was going on with them. It seemed like every time they turned around, life was kicking them in the ass, and then dragging them through the mud.

"I feel so bad for them." Kristy said out of nowhere. "I mean how much can two people take?"

"They can take it." Mark told her as he grabbed her hand. "Whatever it is, they will get through it."

"I hope so, Mark. I hope so." Kristy repeated with a frown.

-----------------

Derek laid lifelessly in the bed. He finally fell asleep. He wasn't even sure what time it was. Time had stopped in their life at the moment. Their life was at a standstill. And that was okay. He could accept that for the moment. There he laid, Meredith in his arms. Both hoping for something better.

Derek jerked awake when he heard the doorbell. Meredith continued to snore loudly. She had awoken and laid there for over an hour before she asked him for a sleeping pill. It was a way to mask it. It kept her from feeling her pain. Maybe life was more fair in her dreams. Even if it was a crutch, he could give that to her.

Derek slowly walked down the stairs. He couldn't see who it was through the frosted glass of the window. He had contemplated not answering, but decided he should. He didn't want whoever it was to continue to bother them. His face remained the same as he opened the door and looked up at Kristy and Mark.

Mark looked at his friend in shock. He hadn't seen him look that was since the day that they said goodbye to Meredith. The day that he had to let her go forever. His eyes were red and bloodshot. The man hadn't been crying. He had been bawling. And he just looked weak and worn down. He was holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. And it was taking him down.

Kristy looked at Derek in shock. She had never seen him look that way. It broke her heart. She didn't know what was wrong, but it was bad. End of the world bad. He was pale and weak, standing before her. And Meredith was nowhere to be found.

"What are you doing here?" Derek asked as he stepped back.

"We brought dinner." Kristy said warmly as she walked in.

"We're not really hungry." Derek snapped. He immediately chided himself. She didn't know. She was just trying to be nice and he snapped at her. That wasn't right. "I'm sorry, Kris. Thank you." Derek said with a faint smile as he walked to the kitchen.

"Are you okay, man? The hospital is saying... Everyone is talking." Mark pointed out.

"What happened, Der?" Kristy asked as her eyes started to tear up. She was always a little too emotional.

"Today just- It was a bad day." Derek said as he turned away, pretending that he was doing something.

"You can talk to us." Mark said quickly. "We're worried."

"You don't have to talk about it. But if you- We are worried." Kristy said in almost a panic. "Is she okay?"

Derek placed his hands on the counter. He couldn't look at them. He wanted to break. He wanted to fall apart. He was sick. In the pit of his stomach, he was sick. He couldn't hold it together. These were his friends. He couldn't lie. He couldn't stand there and live a sick little lie. His shoulders began to shake. His body shook. They looked in shock as he broke down before them.

"Oh my god, Derek!" Kristy said as she rushed over and held him. Mark joined the pair. "Tell us."

"Mer... She's sick... She can't have kids." He said as he cried. "And she can't... Knowing she can't... It's killing her."

"Oh no..." Kristy said as she began to cry with him. "No."

They were there for him. Enveloped in their embrace took the edge off. Just a little. He could feel the love that they all shared. His friends were there. They were what he and Meredith needed. They needed support. He cried right there. And it was okay because they cried too. And they cried because they cared.

**I have to say this... I am not Shonda. This will all be fine. Condolences to all those who watched...**


	131. Just Maybe

They held each other. As much as Derek hated breaking down, it felt so much better. It felt better to let some of the pain that he was carrying around for both he and Meredith go. Mark nodded as Derek pulled away and pulled his emotions together. It may not seem like a big deal to everyone. But to them, it was the end of the world.

"Derek... I am so sorry." Kristy said as she looked up at him. "I know how much this means to you both."

"I just- It threw me for a loop. I didn't think- I told her to be hopeful. And she was trying. If I had known she was going to lose another baby... I think I made it worse." Derek said with a frown as he looked up at the two of them.

"Man, you can't- You didn't do anything to cause this. And Meredith knows that. I'm sure she doesn't blame you. And you can't not have hope. When people quit having hope, that is when the world comes to an end." Mark said frankly as he sat on the stool at the counter.

"Why? Is it okay to ask? Why does she keep losing babies?" Kristy asked with a frown as she too sat down.

"Scar tissue. She has Asherman's. I guess it just keeps growing. And there are so many adhesions that a fetus cannot survive." Derek said as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Oh my god... I can't believe it. This isn't fair. Meredith doesn't deserve this. Neither of you deserve this." Kristy said with a frown.

"Is this from the first?" Mark asked as he looked up. Only a faint nod from Derek confirmed the truth.

"Oh poor Mer. How is she? The poor baby must be sick." Kristy said softly.

"I gave her a sleeping pill. She can't quit crying. I can't help her. All I want to do is help her. And I can't." Derek told them. "I cannot stop her pain."

Mark and Kristy looked at him. Neither had ever seen him such a mess. They couldn't understand. Neither of them could attempt to understand. It was just a disappointment beyond belief. It was the way it was supposed to be. They would both be surgeons. They would get married. They would have kids. And now that wasn't even an option. It seemed like life never quit beating them down.

"Being there for her is what she needs, Derek. And you are the only one that can do that. You know Mer... She's tough. But she isn't anything without you." Mark said with a faint smile.

"Isn't there something they can do? Can't they fix this?" Kristy questioned as she made him a plate of food.

"I don't know. I wasn't there. I was too goddamn busy at the hospital to be there for her. She had to hear that news all by herself. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? What kind of asshole isn't there when his wife is given the worst news of her life?" Derek asked, clearly angry with himself.

"You had no way of knowing. And I'm sure that you told her you would go with her. Derek you can't do this. You can break down, and you can feel sorry for yourself. But we're not going to let you sit here and beat yourself up and take all the blame." Mark told him frankly. Derek slowly pulled himself onto the stool and looked down.

"You need to eat. And I will not argue with you about it." Kristy told him as she placed the plate in front of him. He gave her a look, saying he didn't want to. "Eat."

"We're going to see Addison tomorrow. I want to know. I know how she gets. I'm sure she could sit there and listen to it. I need to talk to her. I need to know how bad it is." Derek said as he looked at his chicken, avoiding eye contact.

"I'm sure they can do something about this, Derek. I'm sure she will be fine." Kristy explained warmly.

"Then why did she tell her she couldn't have kids?" He snapped. "People don't generally say that shit for no good fucking reason!"

"Calm down..." Mark said quickly.

"I'm sorry... I just wish I had been there. I should have been there. And now she has to go with me and here the same thing again. I have to know. And now she will suffer because of it." Derek said with a frown.

"Can I go see her?" Kristy asked as she looked at Derek.

"She's sleeping, Kris. It's bad. I don't want her to get anymore upset than she already is." Derek said frankly. "I don't know how much more she can take."

"I just... I want to see her. I won't go in. I just-" Kristy said softly.

She couldn't explain it. She needed to see Meredith. She needed to give her a hug and tell her it would be okay. She needed to let her know that there were people that cared about her in the world. Derek gave her a soft nod and Kristy slowly walked out of the room and upstairs.

Meredith was sleeping quietly. She was snoring, but it was light and soft. Kristy made her way across the dark room and sat on the side of the bed. She could see the puffiness around Meredith's eyes from crying heavily. Her cheeks were even swollen. Kristy smoothed her hand over Meredith's soft skin and bent down, giving her a soft kiss.

"I know it seems like the end of the world honey. I know you have never felt this bad in your life. But we are here with you. We are here waiting for you. When you need us, we will take care of you. Derek is a good guy. He loves you so much. And he just wants to stop you pain, but he doesn't know how. It will be okay. Eventually, it will be okay." Kristy said as she kissed her head and walked out, broken hearted.

"I don't get it, Mark. Life fucking sucks. When are we going to be happy?" Derek asked as he looked over.

"I know, man. I know." Mark agreed as he looked over. "Her body had a lot of trauma. The accident messed her up for life. She will be dealing with that for the rest of her life. I think you know that. But she's alive. That is what you have to remember. She is alive and she is here with you."

"None of that matters if she feels dead, Mark." Derek said coldly and frankly.

You're right. But you guys will pull through this. You always do. I have never known anyone stronger than you two. This will be fine." Mark said as he slapped his back.

"It's just hard. It kills me. I can only imagine what it does to her. I know that it is hurting her. And I can't watch her suffer. Fuck! It just kills me." Derek repeated.

"I know. It hurts us all. We all love her. And that is what will get her through this." Mark said frankly.

"She was sleeping." Kristy said as she came down.

"I thought she would me." Derek said as he took one last bite and pushed the plate away. "Thanks for coming. It means a lot. But I just want to get back up there with her." Derek said as he stood up and carried his plate to the sink.

"We understand." Mark said with a smile. "It will be fine." He said as they all hugged.

"Thanks." Derek muttered as he let them out.

Derek leaned against the door as he looked at the stairs. He wanted nothing more than to go up there to her. But it hurt. To see her lifeless hurt him. He slowly made his way up one stair at a time. His eyes caught their wedding picture on the wall. That was a happy day. And today was unimaginable.

"Derek..." Meredith whimpered in her sleep. Derek rushed over to her and laid down in the bed. Without waking, she scooted up against him and he wrapped his arms around her tiny body. "Derek..."

"It's okay, Mer... You're okay." Derek told her as he kissed her softly on the head.

"Mmm... Derek." She said as she opened her eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too." Derek told her as he kissed her head. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than dead." She told him as a tear ran down her cheek.

"That's better than dead." Derek told her with a nod. "Do you want me to start you a bath. Maybe that will make you feel better..."

"Only if you take it with me. You can't let go of me. I need you." Meredith told him as she burrowed her head into his side.

"I can do that." Derek told her with a nod.

Derek walked into the bathroom. She was clingy. And at the moment, he needed clingy just as much as she did. Derek started the hot water, not putting anything in it. Steam filled the bathroom as the water generously filled the bathtub. Derek walked back into their dark bedroom and helped her out of the bed.

"Thank you for taking care of me." Meredith said softly as he helped her walk into the bathroom.

"I live to take care of you, Mer." Derek said softly as he helped her undress.

"Can you turn the lights down?" Meredith asked as she looked at them.

"Of course." Derek agreed as he dimmed the lights so that only a faint bit shined down.

Derek helped Meredith into the bath water with him. He leaned back against the back of the bathtub and pulled her against his chest. She want limp as he kissed her shoulder softly. Derek gently rubbed her stomach. It was empty. Once again empty. Meredith laid her hands over his. It was the perfect moment. They weren't crying. They weren't dying. They were just there. Just being. Being together.

--------------------

Derek woke up early. He needed Meredith to eat. He didn't need her weak when they were going to the appointment. She was tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. He had to help her get dressed. He had to help her move. He was afraid she would fall down she was so tired. Derek walked with her down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"I know you are not hungry, but I need you to eat. Please, eat for me." Derek said as he placed the colby cheese covered scrambled eggs and toast in front of her. They were her favorite.

"Okay." Meredith muttered as she pulled herself onto the stool. She was just too tried to argue with him.

Meredith sat there and slowly pushed her eggs from one side of the plate to the other. She couldn't eat. She felt nauseous. She felt sick. Then she looked at Derek. She raised the fork to her mouth and took a bite. It tasted good, but she just wasn't in the mood for it.

"What time- What time is the appointment?" She croaked out as she looked up at him.

"In forty-five minutes." Derek told her as he rubbed her back. "Thank you for going, Mer."

"We need to know." Meredith told him as she kissed him softly. "I know we need to know."

Meredith and Derek drove to Seattle Presbyterian in silence. There was nothing to say. What could they talk about? They couldn't talk about anything. Meredith couldn't think about anything. And Derek was concerned about her. She just started her fellowship. She couldn't take a lot of time off. But she also could not work in the state that she was in.

Derek held her hand as they walked in. The last time he was here, he saw Ellis. He was hoping that wasn't the case this time. He couldn't deal with that. If he had to, he would most likely rip her head off if her shoulders and toss it into the lobby. That was Derek's dream, to see Ellis' head roll.

They waited in Addison's office. Only because they were friends were they allowed to stay in the office while she was finishing up her surgery. Derek kept an eye on a silent Meredith as she sat in the chair. Her eyes closed as she laid her head back. Derek looked around the office, wishing he wasn't here.

"Hello..." Addison said softly as she walked in and shut the door behind her.

"Hey, Addie." Derek said with a smile.

"Addie." Meredith said softly as she looked down and away from him.

"I'm really glad you decided to come back. Yesterday... I wish it could have gone better. And Derek, I am so glad you are here." Addison said with a nod.

"I just want to know. I want to know what this is." Derek said firmly as Meredith looked away.

"Well... Asherman's Syndrome is an acquired uterine disease, characterized by the formation of adhesions in the uterus. In many cases the front and back walls of the uterus stick to one another. In other cases, adhesions only occur in a small portion of the uterus. The extent of the adhesions defines whether the case is mild, moderate or severe. The adhesions can be thin or thick, can be spotty in location, or can be confluent. Meredith's are severe and stuck to one another." Addison explained with a frown. "That is why the fetus could not survive. I did a hysterosalpingogram to confirm it."

"I- I can't- I have to- Bathroom." Meredith said as she stood up.

"Mer do you-" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"Stay." Meredith said with a frown. "I just- I can't. You stay."

"She's having a hard time..." Addison stated as she looked up at him.

"This is so hard on her. I should have been here yesterday. I just- Why didn't she have symptoms?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"She did. Most patients with Asherman's have scanty or absent periods but some have normal periods. Some patients have no periods but feel pain at the time each month that their period would normally arrive. This pain may indicate that menstruation is occurring but the blood cannot exit the uterus because the cervix is blocked by adhesions. She hasn't been having periods for some time. She just ignored it. I think in her heart she knew something was wrong." Addison said quickly.

"Oh god... Is it from the D & C... When she- The accident." Derek asked as he looked up.

"Most likely. It was probably an overly aggressive D & C that was done." Addison told him frankly. "Some bastard was probably in a hurry."

"Can this be treated?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"I'd say the keys to treatment include early recognition, which we have. And treatment by a very experienced surgeon via hysteroscopy, which I have done. Avoiding energy sources inside the uterus is key. No lasers, no heat. It's easier, but it never works. It just makes it worse. They need to be removed with scissors by hand. There are many different methods to prevent re-scarring after surgery, which is the main problem. Re-scarring is not what you want. After the surgery, I would prescribe estrogen supplementation to stimulate uterine healing respectively the growth of endometrium and place a balloon to prevent apposition of the walls during the immediate post-operative healing phase. It would have a very long post-op regimen." Addison explained.

"So there is hope?" Derek said in shock.

"There is always hope." Addison said with a nod. "I will not lie, her case is severe. The worst I have seen. But I think I could help her." Addison explained.

"She could have children?" He asked with a grin. "Why didn't you tell her?"

"I don't want to get her hopes up. She couldn't take another loss, Derek. And I don't want her to get her hopes up to fall again. She could have a shot. She may not." Addison explained. "And I will not tell her yes. Not yet. Not until I know."

"I see." Derek said, his head dropping. Meredith slowly walked into the room.

"Surrogacy and adoption are always an option, Derek." Addison explained.

"No! No! No! I am not adopting someone else's mistake! I want my own baby!" She yelled loudly.

"Meredith! Stop. No child is a mistake." Derek said in shock that she said it.

"I just want my own baby!" She cried as she looked at him and broke down.

"Think about what we talked about. I hope that you feel better about it." Addison said with a smile as she stood up. "I have surgery. Stay here as long as you need to."

"Thank you." Derek told her with a smile.

"I just want a baby, Derek..." Meredith said with a whimper.

"I know you do, baby. I know you do." Derek agreed.

Derek held her in his arms as he sat there. He was feeling good. Life couldn't be so cruel as to torture them. Maybe they would have their child. But Addison had a point. Getting her hopes up would do nothing for her, but bring her down. He just had to convince her to get the procedure done. And then maybe, just maybe, they would have it all.


	132. Healing

It went slow. Nothing happens overnight. But everyday Meredith and Derek were feeling a little bit more human, and a little bit less dead. Derek still hadn't talked to her about getting the procedure done. He knew that the minute that he said something, she would get upset. Time was ticking by, and he was getting antsy. He had to say something. He had to.

Meredith was still feeling the pain. It wasn't as bad, and she didn't let Derek know. She could see the worn down look in his eyes. He was exhausted from life. He had been exhausted. But lately the sparkle was coming back. He was looking like his old self. He was looking like the man she fell in love with. And that was why she didn't tell him that occasionally she would break down in the shower. She didn't tell him that she still felt empty when she saw a baby. She thought she was hiding a secret, but Derek knew. He always knew.

Meredith stood in front of the board. It was sickening. Kids. Children with heart problems. She had been seeing far too many. It was as if every sick child came to Seattle Grace. As she stared at the perfectly mapped out board before her, she felt warm breath on her neck. It always made her melt. She melted right into him.

"Ross procedure." Derek muttered as he looked up at her.

"Yeah. The patient is six, Derek. Six years old. Why is life so cruel?" Meredith asked as she looked up and over at him.

"I don't know, Mer..." Derek told her as he kissed her lips softly.

"What do you have going on?" Meredith asked, not seeing his name on the board.

"Should I even say it?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"No. Definitely don't say anything..." Meredith told him with a giggle.

"It is. It's quiet." Derek muttered as he looked at the board.

"Well, it won't be now. I hope you enjoy your busy day, Dr. Shepherd." Meredith teased as she ran her hand down his ass.

"PG, baby. PG." He joked. "Unless you want me to take you into the on-call room and have my way with you..." Derek muttered as he looked off.

They hadn't been intimate. Twice. Twice in a month. And for them that was like not at all. Meredith was in mental pain, and he didn't want to hurt her. And Derek was exhausted. They were both worn down, and at the end of the day, they were realizing at the moment that sex was not the key in their relationship. They key was just being together.

"That would take effort." Meredith said with a smile. "And I have to save a six year old. In..." She looked at her watch. "An hour. I have to make sure my intern is actually doing her job."

"Good luck with that." Derek teased as he pecked a kiss on her cheek and walked away.

Meredith quickly walked down the hallway to her patient. The hospital was quiet. As much as she liked to cut, she didn't like it when three screaming ambulances rushed in with people in despair. Most surgeons liked the opportunity to fix broken people. Generally it was the young, inexperienced ones. But Meredith knew what it was like to be in despair. And she didn't want to go back.

"Dr. Jeffers..." Meredith shouted to her intern.

She liked the intern. Melanie Jeffers was great. She was right on top of her game. She was always ready to give one hundred and ten percent. But right now she was standing in the hallway arguing with a man. And the man did not look happy. The man did not look nice. He looked like he was out for blood.

"Is everything okay here?" Meredith asked with concern as she walked up.

"It's fine. We are talking." The man said, brushing Meredith off.

"Well I need my intern." Meredith told him frankly.

"Look lady, I'm not done talking here." He growled as he stepped up to her.

"And I don't really care. I have a sick patient. I have to save a life. And Dr. Jeffers needs to help me do that. Now if you will excuse us both." Meredith sneered as she grabbed Melanie's arm and walked off.

Meredith didn't say a word. It was obvious that Melanie was in a bad relationship. It wasn't her place to say anything. But Melanie was an excellent doctor, and Meredith didn't want to see her go down hill because of a man. Meredith saw the red in the guy's eyes. There was something about him. He made her nervous. She didn't like him. And she didn't even know him.

"Hello, Abbey... How are you today?" Meredith asked as she walked in.

"Good." Abbey said with a smile as she flipped the page in her book.

"Are you ready for this?" Meredith asked her parents as she looked up at the girls parents.

"As ready as we can be." They said with a sigh. Meredith had seen it before. They were ragged, tired from life with a sick child.

"Well, it will be fine. Do you have any questions before Dr. Jeffers preps your daughter?" Meredith asked softly.

"No, I think you covered it." They replied with a smile.

"Will my mommy and daddy be there when I wake up?" She asked as she looked at them all.

"No honey, mommy and daddy can't be..." Her mom said quickly. The little girl's face puckered up as she looked at Meredith.

"I want my mommy there..." She cried.

"I'm sorry, Abbey... Mommy can't be." Meredith told her softly.

"Can you be? Can you be there?" She asked desperately.

"I can be there." Meredith told her as she though for a second.

"Promise?" She asked as she looked into her eyes.

"I promise." Meredith agreed, hoping she could keep it. "Okay... I will see you later, little girl." Meredith told her as she rubbed her arm.

Meredith walked into the hallway. The man was still there. He had no reason to be in the hospital, not to mention on the floor. Meredith marched quickly up to the man and looked at him. The chill that came over her body was immense. It was like he looked right through her. It was like she wasn't even a speck on the windshield.

"Sir, you have absolutely no reason to be here." Meredith told him frankly. "I have to ask you to leave."

"I want to talk to Melanie." The man said frankly as he looked over at the door where she disappeared into.

"This is a hospital. People are here to get better. And you have no reason to be here disturbing them or bothering my intern. Please leave." Meredith told him as she pointing to the door. "Before I call security."

"I'll be back." He muttered as he walked away.

Meredith felt sick as she watched him walk away. Not for herself. She wasn't worried about herself. She was worried about the intern. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she knew that the man seemed dangerous. It wasn't her place to intrude, but she was really wondering if Melanie was safe.

Meredith made a quick stop at the snack machine and grabbed a granola bar. She was already tired. Sleep came at night, but it wasn't the best. She just laid there. She couldn't help but think about herself. The scar tissue growing in her uterus. It made her sick. It was there. It was filling her.

Meredith quickly walked into the scrub room. Melanie was already there scrubbing her hands. Meredith didn't say a word as she filled her hands with soap and sudsed them, working up her arms. Melanie looked over. She knew that Meredith knew. And she was hoping it wouldn't come up. Meredith couldn't say anything more than her family could.

"Okay..." Meredith said as she walked up to the table. Abbey was laying there with her eyes open.

"I'm scared." She told Meredith as she looked up.

"Oh honey... You will be fine. I will see you when you wake up." Meredith told her as she looked down. "You have to go to sleep now..."

"Will you tell me a story first?" Abbey asked as she looked up with bright blue eyes.

"Of course." Meredith told her happily. She looked around before she started her improv story. "Once there was a princess. She was beautiful. Just a little girl..." Meredith started before nodding to the anesthesiologist. "And she was going to..." And Abbey fell asleep. "Thanks for coming everyone... Let's do this." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up.

"That was nice. Most surgeons would have just knocked her out." Melanie told her with a nod.

"Can we get some child friendly music in here please?" Meredith asked as she looked up. "I think they hear it subconsciously." Meredith explained. "Today we will be doing a root replacement. Abbey's aortic annulus diameter is within the 70 confidence limits of the aortic annulus size foe her body area. Can you tell me the steps, Dr. Jeffers?"

"Well, first we will be doing bicaval cannulation by inserting the superior vena cava cannula high into the vena cava. Then we will insert a left ventricular vent." Melanie explained as she looked up.

"Very good." Meredith agreed. "Doing it that way will avoid air lock. And it will allow for opening of the right atrium of necessary. We will induce a moderate systemic hypothermia with cold antegrade blood cardioplegia for maintenance. The right ventricle will be protected with the ice saline slush. We try to keep the myocardial temperature about 15 degrees Celsius." Meredith explained to the gallery.

Once the heart was arrested, Meredith opened the pulmonary artery with a transverse arteriotomy. After careful visual inspection, she identified three leaflets with minimal fenestration. Melanie watched intently as Meredith worked on her patient. Dr. Santos stood to the back, watching intently. This was a surgery that he should be doing, but he wanted her to get the experience. She was ready, and she was able.

The aortotomy was transverse and located about 2 cm above the origin of the right coronary artery. Meredith quickly debried, removing all calcification. She sized the aortic annulus is with an aortic valve sizer or a calibrated dilator. Melanie watched as the left and right coronary arteries are then mobilized with large cuffs of aortic wall. Meredith was amazing. She was meticulous. The pulmonary autograft is positioned so the posterior sinus of the pulmonary valve became the left coronary sinus. Interrupted sutures of 4-0 polypropylene were placed between the nadir of the pulmonary sinuses and the nadir of the aortic sinuses. Because she was a child, and growth was anticipated, the suture line is running Polyglyconate.

Derek looked down at his wife. He was so proud of her. She was amazing. She went through the motions as if she had been doing it forever. Derek was supposed to be doing that. He was the one with the cadrio dreams. But he loved him specialty and she was amazing at what she did. The way she was with the child both touched and hurt him. It wasn't fair that they had been stung by life's whip. But they would get over it. He knew it.

Derek watched as she continued through the surgery. He was shocked as he looked up, seeing her had been in there for ever to hours. She was easy to watch. She kept his attention. Just as he shifted in his chair, his pager went off. A consult. Derek drew in a breath, gave Meredith a faint smile and walked out. Just another busy day. And he thought he caught a break.

Derek walked down the hall. Meredith was right, he shouldn't have said anything. He should have just kept his mouth shut and took the chance to get a break. A consult. Just what he wanted to deal with. As he walked into the conference room and turned on the monitor, he sat down.

It was a mess. A young lady. She was in her mid-twenties. She had been hit by a car and left for dead. It seemed she had been in a coma for two months. She had no brain function. Minimal. That sounded much better. One parent wanted to pull the plug. The other wanted to keep hope. The case was eerily familiar. It was Meredith. Not completely. But he couldn't let this go.

Derek agreed to take the patient. There was no way he couldn't. He couldn't let that go and take a chance of letting just anything happen. Arrangements were made and the patient was to be transfered to Seattle Grace within the hour. Derek sighed as he walked back to the gallery to watch the remainder of the surgery Meredith was performing. When the surgery was done, Derek walked down to the scrub room.

"That was great, honey. You did good." Derek told her as he kissed her cheek.

"Thanks... Not busy yet?" She asked with a giggle.

"There is a patient in a coma. They are transferring her to Seattle within the hour." Derek explained. "She's been in a coma for two months. They are arguing over taking her off of life support."

"I see." Meredith agreed with a nod. "Are you going to be okay with it?"

"I will be." Derek told her with a nod as he kissed her and looked down at his buzzing pager. "Love you."

"Love you." Meredith agreed as she kissed him back.

Meredith quickly walked onto the elevator. She was worried about Derek. She knew how deeply he felt about this issue. She knew that he was almost too emotionally involved without even knowing them. She was hoping it wouldn't be a problem. As she walked towards Abbey's parents, she watched them stand and hurry towards her.

"Abbey came through beautifully. I would say it was successful." Meredith told them with a smile.

"Oh thank you!" They said happily as they hugged her.

"I am going to go back to recovery. I think I made your daughter a promise." Meredith explained as she turned and walked away.

"Dr. Shepherd... Don't worry about it." The father said as he looked up.

"I worry about." Meredith told him as she rushed off.

Meredith sat in the corner of the tiny room. She promised the little girl. She couldn't break the promise. Not to a child. As she sat her head back, she placed her hand on her stomach. It hurt her. Not literally, but figuratively. It just wasn't fair.

"Dr. Meredith." The little girl said with a smile as she looked up.

"Abbey... How do you feel?" Meredith asked as she walked over.

"Good. Where is mommy and daddy?" She asked in confusion.

"They are outside. You rest." Meredith said softly as the little girl drifted back off to sleep.

"Dr. Meredith..." She said again as she awoke. "Where is mommy?"

"She's outside. She can come in in a little while." Meredith told her again.

"Will you tell me a story?" She asked softly.

"I will." Meredith agreed with a smile as she started her story.

--------------

Derek ordered tests. He never took the word of someone else's tests. He didn't even consider them as fact when he read them. As he looked over everything, he realized that it was fairly grim. But Meredith had been more than grim. She was considered hopeless. This was not a a good thing. Not at all.

"So what do you think, Doc?" Mr. Graves asked as Derek walked up. "We just need to pull it, right?"

"Gale... Stop! This is your daughter." Mrs. Graves told him loudly.

"This is hell, Marilyn. She lays there. Bets would not want to lay there like this. She was full of life. She was active. Laying in a bed like that... It's no favor to her. Let her go, dammit! Let her go." Gales spat nastily.

"I can't. She's my baby. I held her inside for nine months. I was there through everything. I can't just let her go. Not yet." Marilyn said loudly. "What are your thoughts, Dr. Shepherd?" She asked as she looked at Derek.

Derek couldn't answer. He was sick. It was so familiar. According to the tests, they should let go. Any doctor would have laughed and told them to pull the plug as soon as possible. But in his heart, he didn't agree with that. Not ever. He had to think medically. He was supposed to think medically. It was too much. He couldn't answer that yet.

"I would like to take some more tests. Three days in a row on a set schedule. This is a big step. Either way it is big, and I don't want to make the wrong one." Derek explained.

"What the hell... It's been two months already. Why not let her lay in the garden a little longer?" He grumbled as she shook his head, and walked away.

"He's just tired of seeing her like this." Marilyn explained. "Thank, Dr. Shepherd. Thank you." She said as she rushed off after him.

Derek ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. The day didn't get any easier for either of them. It seemed like it was never ending. Case after case. Chart after chart. They both had tough case. There were cases that touched them in one way or another.

Finally by the end of the day, Derek realized he was just too tired to drive him. He knew Meredith was on call and went to look for her. Derek walked into the dark on-call room. When he opened the door, the light shown on her soft skin. Derek pulled off his shoes and climbed into bed with her. Derek pulled her tightly as she spooned against him.

"How bad was it today?" Meredith asked softly.

"Bad. I just- Let's leave it out there tonight. Right now I just want you." Derek told her frankly.

"Yeah." Meredith agreed as she turned around and faced him. "Out there..."

"Mer..." Derek muttered softly.

"Uh huh." She answered as she buried her head in his chest.

"I need you to do it. The surgery. With Addison. I need you to do it. I know you are afraid. But I worry. I don't like it, Mer. I don't like the idea of you being filled up with scar tissue. I don't like you being a mess. We need to give it a shot. I need you to. I worry. It can't be good. To be full of adhesions. And I want you to do it. Please, Mer... Please try." Derek told her quickly.

"You're right..." Meredith agreed as she opened her eyes and looked at him. "I think I need to. I want to do it. For you... And for me." She told him softly. Derek leaned in and kissed her. The love of his life. Forever.


	133. Not Down Long

Meredith called Addison and made the appointment. She was ready for it. She was ready to fix what was wrong with her. She had been afraid, but the sleepless nights, thinking about what was inside of her made her sick. She wanted to scratch out her insides and rip them out herself. It made her nervous. It couldn't be good to have that inside. And that is why she wanted it out.

The first procedure had to be done under general anesthesia. The scarring was just to severe. That was what bothered Meredith. She didn't want them to put her out. That had always made her nervous. She didn't like the idea of being unconscious again. She always wondered if she would wake back up.

"What's the matter, baby?" Derek asked as he grabbed her hand.

"I'm so hungry." Meredith told him frankly.

"You know you can't eat. You're going to have surgery." Derek explained as he squeezed her hand, showing support.

"I know." Meredith grumbled as she held her stomach. "You do realize where we are going, right?" She asked with a wince.

"Into the dragon's lair. Yes, I know." He told her with a frown. "But Addison is the best. And she can't come to Seattle Grace under her contract." Derek explained as he looked at her.

"I just- What if she makes trouble, Derek?" She asked softly.

"She won't. There isn't anything she can do. She has no rights over you. That's my job." Derek told her quickly.

"It is." Meredith agreed with a soft nod.

"Mer..." Derek started reluctantly.

"Don't say it. I know what you are going to say. I don't need to get my hopes up." Meredith replied with a sigh.

"How do you know what I was going say?" Derek asked her with a chuckle.

"Because I know. You were going to say something about a baby. Like Addie said, this may not fix everything. They could come back. Derek, we can't have kids. Just- Give up. Give up like I have. Please." Meredith told him as she looked away.

"You know me." Derek muttered, referring to his forever optimism.

"Yes, I do." Meredith agreed with a frown. "I do know you."

"So... How was your appointment last night?" Derek asked as he glanced over.

This was a touchy subject. She knew he was just being nice, but she didn't like it. She didn't like telling him. She didn't want him to know how hard she fought against the therapist. And she did. She pushed as hard as he pushed. He would throw a brick off of her wall and she would turned around and use it to start building another. He had to get in the critical part. The part when both of her walls were half down. Then he would make his attack.

"Fine." She muttered plainly as she looked up at him.

"Just fine? Don't you want to talk about it?" Derek pressed as he continued down the road towards the hospital.

"Yep. Fine. I woke up the other morning, and he said I was completely healed." She snapped as she looked over.

"You are killing me, you know that right?" Derek teased as he looked up at her.

"If I was killing you, you'd be dead already." She explained as she looked into his eyes.

She was on hormones. Addison had her on a strong dose in anticipation of her surgery. She was on edge. Her emotions were all over the place and she knew it. Derek was getting better and better at rolling with the punches and letting it slide off of his exterior. She couldn't help it. And this was all taking them towards their goal. Even if she chose to believe it wasn't so.

"You're right about that. When you set out to kill, honey... You do it." He joked, his stomach dropped when he realized what he said.

"Thanks." She whimpered as she began to sob loudly. "Thanks..."

"Oh honey, I didn't mean it that way. You know I didn't mean it that way. It was-" Derek started as he looked at her.

Derek was sick. He didn't mean it that way. And it was a sharp, hard blow right to the gut. She was already a wreck and he just basically told her that she killed their children on purpose. Derek steered the car to the side of the road and pulled her against him. She sobbed on his shirt as he ran his hands over her head.

"I did not mean it like that." Derek told her as he kissed her head. "None of this was your fault, baby. None of it. And I don't blame you. I was teasing. You get me. Everyday you get me good. You have my heart. You have it in your hands. You hold the control, and I want you to."

"I'm sorry... I just- I can't control myself." Meredith told him as she pulled away. "I'm okay."

"You are." Derek agreed as he sat up.

Derek quickly drove to Seattle Presbyterian. He was a secret mess. He wanted this done, but at the same time, he didn't. He was always afraid for her. She had been through so many surgeries. He hated it every time she went under anesthesia. As he pulled in the lot, he looked into her green eyes. They were ready. They had to be.

--------------------

Derek could see the nervousness in Meredith's eyes. When she was scared, she was quiet and reserved. Addison asked her over and over again if she was okay or if she had any questions. Nothing came out. It was always just a faint nod yes or no. Derek stood there as they began prepping her for surgery. Meredith was quiet. He wasn't even supposed to be there, but exceptions were made. Derek glanced over at the door, seeing Addison motion for him.

"Are you sure she is ready?" Addison asked as she looked in the room.

"She is. She's just scared." Derek explained.

"Are you sure this isn't your own selfish reasons talking?" Addison asked frankly.

"Excuse me!" Derek said in shock. He couldn't believe she said that.

"You want kids. But Derek, I told you this may not work. And if she isn't ready, you need to take your pride and walk. I don't like the idea of doing this if it is going to cause her more harm than good. And at this point, emotional harm is the worst." Addison warned him.

"Addison, she is worried about going under. I appreciate your concern, but I would never put her in harm. And I would think you know that." He growled as he turned and began to walk away.

"I'm sorry, Derek. It's just hard to watch. And I don't want to be her downfall." Addison told him.

"She's okay, Addie. She is." Derek told her with a nod.

"I trust you, Derek. I trust your judgement." Addison told him with a warm smile.

"Can I sit in the gallery?" Derek asked quickly.

"Of course. Just, be discreet." She told him with a nod.

"Yes, we are in the lair of the dragon." Derek joked, making light of the situation.

"That we are." Addison agreed with a chuckle as she headed back on the room. "Okay, Meredith are you ready?"

"I am." Meredith agreed with a nod.

"Okay, I will see you in the operating room." Addison explained with a nod.

Meredith closed her eyes as she laid there. She was so scared. She was terrified. She was a mess. The intern gave her a smile as she finished up. Meredith looked over at Derek. Maybe this would ease his mind, and her own. Maybe this would change everything.

"You will be okay." Derek told her firmly as he grabbed her hand.

"I'm scared, Derek." She admitted as they walked down the hallway. "Remember what I told you..."

"Don't start that "If I die stuff". You are not dying today, Meredith Shepherd." Derek told her firmly.

"I'm just telling you... Do you remember, Derek?" She asked firmly.

"Yes, yes... I need to move on, have a family... All that shit. I remember it. And it's not going to happen. I'm not doing it. You are not dying today." He said as they reached the end. "I love you." He told her softly.

"I love you too." She agreed as she closed her eyes and they took her away.

Derek sat up in the gallery. He was nervous for her, but he knew she was in good hands. Meredith smiled softly before they put her under. Derek watched as Addison worked. It was a mess. He couldn't believe it. He could tell by the way Addison was acting that it was worst than she thought it was.

It went on forever. It was almost double what it was supposed to be. As Derek sat there, he could feel his nerve endings throb with concern. He was quiet, and no one else came in. And then he felt it. It was a familiar feeling that he had felt many times before. It was the chill that was Ellis Grey.

"Derek." He heard her raw voice say.

"Ellis." Derek muttered without looking at her.

"So now I find out about what is wrong with my daughter." She said as she marched up tot the glass.

"You never bothered to find out." Derek told her frankly. "You know where we are."

"Actually, I don't. It seems not only have you married her, but you moved her away. Always trying to keep her away from us, aren't you, Derek?" She seethed as she looked over.

"I think that was always your job, Ellis." Derek snapped. "You have a way of ruining everything. This is your fault. All of this." He growled.

"It had to be done." Ellis snapped as she looked at him. "Do you think I wanted this to happen? Do you think I wanted her to have problems?"

"I assumed so. You have always wanted to take her happiness away." Derek said frankly.

"It had to be done. That child would have never made it. And she couldn't handle that. How would she have gone to med school with a baby?" Ellis asked loudly.

"It wasn't your decision. That was our child. That was _my_ child. You killed my child. Regardless of what would have happened, you should have told me. I didn't even know I was going to be a father. And you took that away. And you are still taking it away." He told her frankly. "We just want a family."

"You have always been incredibly selfish. I see that hasn't stopped yet. I wouldn't doubt you got her pregnant on purpose back then, just to keep her around. She was special and you drew her in. You wanted to drag her down. She went from focused on her career and college, to obsessed to you. She only made it this far because she was away from you." Ellis spat nastily.

"No, Ellis. You are the problem here. Meredith is intelligent. She is strong willed. I could never do anything to change her mind. Meredith is amazing. She couldn't be any better if she tried. She is the love of my life. She means the world to me. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner everyone will be happy." Derek growled. "Meredith is a cardio fellow. One of the best. I don't know what you expect from her. I don't know how you can sit there and be disappointed in her. She could never disappoint me. She is amazing, and there nothing she could do. Not a thing." He shouted loudly as he looked down, seeing Addison was walking out.

Derek quickly stood and walked to the door. Ellis followed behind Derek. He could feel her breathing down his back. He ignored her as he made it to where he assumed the scrub room was. He wasn't supposed to be there, but he had a feeling Ellis wouldn't removed him. Derek shoved the door open and looked in. He saw a grim-faced Addison look up. Then Addison saw Ellis and looked down.

"How was it?" Ellis asked quickly.

Addison looked at Derek. Addison didn't want to say anything. But it didn't matter. Ellis had the ability to look and know about everything. Addison couldn't keep anything fro the one person, in the case, she didn't want to tell. She would find out whether Addison told her or not.

"The adhesions were worse than I anticipated. She had some infection. I am really glad we got in there." She told them both.

"And..." Derek asked, wanting to know about possible pregnancy.

"I- It's bad Derek. It's really bad. I can't promise anything at this point. We will have to see in the follow up." She explained. "I am not saying no... I just- At this point, it's hard saying."

Derek's heart sank. It sank and it stayed that way. He sat and thought as he sat by Meredith's bedside. Maybe he should have hope. Maybe he shouldn't. It was so hard to think about. Part of him was hoping it would be a miracle surgery, and it wasn't. Not at this point. He didn't know what to say, or what to think. They would figure it out. Eventually they would.

"Hey." Meredith muttered as she opened her sleepy eyes.

"Hey." Derek responded as he walked over and kissed you.

"So?" She asked as she closed her eyes and placed her hands on her aching abdomen.

"You rest, honey..." Derek told her as he kissed her head again.

"Okay... Good idea." She muttered as she drifted back to sleep. She didn't know there was even a smidgen of hope. She just thought they were taking the adhesions out, not trying to fix it. This wouldn't break her. But it rained on him. It rained hard. The only thing was, Derek Shepherd didn't stay down long.


	134. Conflicted

Meredith laid quietly in the bed. All Derek could do was watch her sleep and hold her hand. But at least he knew she was just sleeping. She had woken up, and she would again. Derek had a feeling of hope and no hope all at the same time. He felt a little sick. He watched the procedure. He saw what was coming out. They were lucky they did it, she had infection, and they never even knew.

"Mmmm..." Meredith moaned as she opened her eyes and looked up at him.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he leaned down and kissed her softly.

"Exhausted." She told him frankly as she let out a soft yawn.

"Then you need to rest." Derek told her as he rubbed her forehead.

"I don't want to. There is a big, big, big world out there. And I am part of that world. Just one small person in the big world. A fraction of the story. Just a little bit... And I'm ready." Meredith muttered in her morphine induced haze.

"Oh, I see. Meredith Grey is ready to conquer the world." Derek told her with a chuckle.

"Uh huh... Will you help me, Derek Shepherd? Will you help me conquer the world?" She asked as she looked up and giggled.

"I will. If you want me to, I will." Derek agreed with a nod.

"Okay. But I'm tired. We will start tomorrow." She moaned as she closed her eyes. "Lay with me..."

"Mer... You need your rest." Derek told her as he rubbed her arm.

"I rest better with you... Come up here." Meredith muttered as she opened her eyes and scooted over. "Please?" She asked as she looked up at him.

"If I get in trouble, it was all you." Derek teased as he climbed up alongside her, being careful of her i.v.s.

Derek laid spooned up behind her. He was so glad they did the surgery. Even if she hadn't wanted it. Even if she had been terrified, she needed it. He worried about her. Even though things seemed alright, he knew how she was. She was excellent at hiding how things really were. She was good pretending everything was fine.

Derek closed his eyes. It was the middle of the day, but he was exhausted as she was. It had been a rough road for a long time, and both of them were ready for a much needed break. Derek heard Meredith let out a faint moan and immediately opened his eyes. She just snuggled deeper into him and began to snore lightly. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about what he saw Addison take out, and he wondered if there would be more.

"Hey." Addison said softly as she came in.

"Hi." Derek responded quietly. "She just fell asleep." He explained as he looked down at her. "She's so tired."

"I can imagine she is." Addison said with a smile as she walked up. "How is she feeling?"

"She says she's feeling fine." Derek pointed out. "But- I can't get over what came out. So much. I can't stop thinking about it." He admitted.

"It was a shock to me. I didn't think it would be that bad. I was expecting about 2/3 of what came out. It was pretty bad, Derek. I am telling you, it was bad." Addison explained as she sat down in the chair by her bed.

"Did you place the balloon in yet?" Derek asked. "I didn't see you. And I thought you were planning on it."

"She is going to need to come back on two weeks for another procedure, this time under local anesthesia." Addison told him. "I didn't want to put that balloon in yet. She is just such a mess."

"Is she going be okay? Will we ever get this under control?" Derek asked with a frown.

"I think we can keep it manageable. As for her uterus being healthy and normal... I have to be honest, I'm really not sure. We will see as we go along. But I do think you guys need to get serious about adoption or surrogacy. Both have a long drawn out process that you will want to get started now. I know she isn't open to it... But Derek, I cannot promise you that she will be able to carry a child. And based on today, I would say it is very grim." Addison said as she grabbed his hand. "I'm really very sorry."

"You're doing the best you can. Even if that's not what I want to hear... You are doing the best you can. I just... I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I want her to have hope. But I don't want to give her false hope. I'm really not sure what to do anymore, Addie. I just don't know..." Derek told her with a frown.

"You just do what you can. You say what feels right when the time comes. That is all you can do. But you can't hurt her, Derek. She loves you too much... You won't be doing the wrong thing." Addison said as she stood up.

"Thanks, Addie." Derek muttered as he looked up.

"Not a problem. Take care of her. I will be back later." Addison told him as she walked away. Derek snuggled into Meredith. She was right. He had to do what felt right at the time. There was no preplanning.

----------------

Meredith was feeling better. Addison decided to torture her and make her stay another day. The bleeding wasn't stopping. Addison was getting concerned, but not enough to have to do something about it. Meredith was getting antsy. She was more than ready to go back to the hospital and work. Or at the very least, to go home.

"I want a cheeseburger." Meredith told Derek with a big nod. "Fries. And a strawberry shake. A strawberry shake and chocolate. Small one of each. Or mixed. Mixed would be good. Lots of fries." Meredith went on.

"Mer... I don't think you should have that yet." Derek told her as he looked up from the papers in his hands.

"I need it, Derek. I need it so bad. Please? And not from the hospital. From that place on the way here. You know... That place. The one I love. Please?" She pouted as she looked up.

"Eh... You are killing me, Mer." Derek joked as he sat the papers on the chair and stood up. "I will be back." He told her as he kissed her softly and walked out.

"Thank you." She said with a smile as she watched him leave.

She was going crazy. The hospital was making her crazy. The television was making her crazy. She just wanted out. If she could, she would sneak out, never to return. Meredith laid her head back and let out a wail of disgust. Her eyes fell to the papers Derek left on the chair.

Meredith was on bed rest. In order to get the bleeding to stop, Addison wanted her in the bed as much as she could stand. And that was driving her nuts. Meredith slowly threw her legs over the bed and slowly walked over to the chair. She grabbed the papers up and climbed back into the bed with a smile.

As Meredith looked at sheet after sheet, she got more sick. This was bad. She was lucky. Derek had hope for her. Even when everyone gave up, Derek still held strong. Everything said that Meredith couldn't make it, but she did. She did make it.

The girl was not well. There was no hope. Reading through, Meredith saw no hope. There was no brain function. She could not breathe on her own. These were all things that had happened to Meredith, and yet Meredith did not believe that this girl would pull through. Meredith felt worse, the more she read. Derek was going to be conflicted over this. She truly believed that Derek should be taken off of this case. He didn't need to go through this, not right now.

"Meredith..." She heard the coldest voice utter as she intensely read.

It went through her like a knife. She hated to hear Ellis' voice. She knew she would come. This was her hospital. She did rule the department. But Meredith was hoping that she was wrong. She was hoping that Ellis wouldn't bother. Apparently she was wrong. Apparently she did want to come. Just to torture.

"Ellis." Meredith growled as she dropped the papers on her lap and looked up.

"How are you, dear?" Ellis asked as she grabbed the chart that was on her door and walked to the bed.

"Really... Do you really think that you have the right to ask me that? Really?" Meredith asked in shock.

"I just want to see how you are. Seeing that you have cut yourself off from your father and I. You got married. You and Derek got a house. And you say nothing to us." Ellis complained.

"You have no right to know anything about me. You are cut off. You deserve to be cut off. You are the reason I am here. It's all your fault. I can't have kids, and it's your fault. I can't give Derek what he needs. Your fault. I am sick. My uterus is a mess. And it is your fault. So yes, you have been cut off. And there is no going back. I don't want to. Please leave my room. You know everything you need to." Meredith said as she picked up the papers and went back to reading.

Meredith was proud of herself. Ellis left the room. Meredith drove her out. For once, Meredith won. It may be small, but she felt great. She knew there was no hope for a relationship between them. She cut her out. And she had never felt better. It was her moving on. It was time for them to leave the mess behind. They needed to go forward. It was time.

"Hey." Derek said with a smile as he walked in.

"Hey you." Meredith said happily as she watched him walk up. "Thank you." She told him with a smile.

"They wouldn't mix it. So here is your large cup and your two small shakes." Derek explained as he sat them all down. "And I got you a large fry. Even if it is a heart attack in a cardboard container." He said as he pulled the things out of the bag.

"What did you get?" Meredith asked as she took a bite of her burger.

"Nothing. You know I don't eat that." Derek said frankly.

"Yea, but you should try it." Meredith told him with an exuberant nod.

"No thanks." Derek said as he sat down in the chair.

"This is bad..." Meredith mumbled with a mouth full of fries as she held up the papers. "This case... It's bad."

"It is." Derek agreed with a deep sigh.

"I think you should drop the case." She told him as she poured the two shakes in together.

It hit Derek hard. For her to say that. It was not something he was expecting her to say. He was expecting her to agree with him. She of all people should know what it's like. She of all people should know what happens when people give up. It left him with a sour taste in his mouth as he glared into her eyes.

Meredith could tell that what she said did not sit well with Derek. She could tell that he was angry with her. She was medical. That was the big difference between the two of them. He had more compassion. He took it home with him at night. He let it fester. Meredith didn't do that. Meredith could take care of the patient and let it go. It was one of the few qualities that he mother gave her.

"Meredith... This case is the reason why I became a neurosurgeon." Derek told her as he walked over and grabbed the papers from her. "Your case. Your case is the reason."

"No, Derek... That is a bad reason. A very bad reason. A good reason is because you are interested in the brain. This kind of case... This is a psych case for everyone involved. This is a case for the family. This is not a medical case. Medically, there is nothing you can do. They need to figure this out. And you need to tell them that. Stringing it along won't help her. You are too emotionally involved in this. I think you should drop the case." Meredith told him with a nod.

"I can't believe this. You of all people should understand. What if they had given up on you?" He asked loudly.

"THEY DID!" She shouted, matching his tone. "They did give up on me. And miraculously I pulled through. I should not have. And there is no hope for her. You have to be honest. It is their decision. But there is nothing that you can do. And you know that Derek." She told him with a frown.

Derek didn't say a word. He pulled the papers up in front of his face and pretended he was reading. He wasn't reading, he was mad. He couldn't believe her. Meredith looked over at him and shook her head. This was a major problem. His mind was clogged with his feelings. He wasn't taking a medical stand point.

"I know you are mad at me." Meredith told him as she took a sip of her shake. "But I can't watch you do this. You are taking this case to heart. I need you. I need you emotionally. And I can't watch you sit there and put yourself through this. I don't want you to hold out hope. I don't want to have to watch you fall. I can't take it. I'm too- I can't take it. My emotions are all over the map right now. I need you. And I need you to take care of me. You need to be honest with them, Derek. Please." She said as she looked at him.

"I just want to save her. Everyone says that it can't be done. You lived." Derek told her as he sat the papers down on the table.

"I did. But you need to tell them the honest truth. Don't give them false hope. If she was meant to make it, she will." Meredith told him with a smile.

"I love you." Derek said as he walked over to her and kissed her softly.

"I love you too." She said as she laid her hand on his face. "And I want to protect you. Just like you protect me." She told him with a smile. It was true. She was right.


	135. Steps

Meredith sat back in the chair. She hated this place. She hated the office. The artwork on the wall was supposed to convey inspiration. But in her, all it did was invoke anger. Meredith hated the man in the chair across from her. She hated him. If he knew how she felt, he would probably send her off to the nearest psychiatric hospital and throw away the key. She could hurt him. She thought about it as she talked. She thought about the suffering he deserved for making her suffer.

She hated him because he pushed her. He made her talk about things that she didn't want to talk about. He made her think about everything she said. Every little statement led to another question. It was over and over pushing and shoving. And that made her mad.

"He needs to drop the case." Meredith said frankly as she looked at Adam Greyson.

"Why does he need to drop the case? Because you want him to?" Adam asked with raised brows.

"No. He needs to drop it because he can't seem to let it go. There is no hope. He can't save her. And when she doesn't get better, it's going to eat away at him. And then I will have to watch him suffer. And then he won't be there for me. He won't be there to hold me together." Meredith told him with a frown.

"So, he won't be there for you. But what about Derek? If this case means something to him, shouldn't he be allowed to do what he wishes?" Adam asked her as he scratched on his pad.

"No! Not when it's going to kill him. No. There is no hope. She's dead. She will never wake up. There is no hope for her. He just needs to give up on her. It's a waste of time." She spat angrily.

"But weren't you a waste of time? Weren't you dead, Meredith?" Dr. Greyson questioned. "But he didn't give up on you..."

"He did. He did give up. Everyone did." Meredith whimpered as the tears started to fall.

"Tell me about the accident." Adam said quickly.

"I don't want to talk about it." Meredith said frankly as she looked into his eyes.

"If you want to get better, you will have to talk about it eventually." Adam explained with a frown. "You will be coming here until I retire. You need to talk. You aren't as damaged as you think you are. Try to talk about it. You have been coming here for months and you still haven't talked about it."

Meredith's stomach knotted up. She was not happy. She looked at the letter opened on his desk. Her mind wandered. She picked it up and stabbed him in the eye. That was what she wanted to do. She wanted to poke his eyes out for making her suffer the way she was. She wanted to run over and shove his chair backwards. But she didn't. She stepped out of her element. She talked.

"He was taking me to propose to me. I didn't know. I actually just found out. Months ago I found out. He picked me up at my mom's. We lived together, but he picked me up there. I let him drive my car. I never let him drive my car. No one did. It was mine. It was my dream car. My red corvette. I loved it. I trusted him with it. I trusted him with it, and he almost killed us." Meredith spat.

"So the accident was Derek's fault." Adam stated in shock as he looked at her.

"No! I would never- No. I just- I never should have let him drive. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't do anything different than I did. I- They wanted to race. The guys next to us. They wanted to race us. I raced. I would street race anyone that came along. And there they were. Derek was apprehensive. He didn't want to. I told him yes. They were hitting on me My god, if he wanted to keep his dignity, he had to race them. He did. I told him faster. And faster. And then, they stopped. I didn't know why... I saw the truck. It was blue." Meredith said in a monotone voice as she stared forward.

"So you think this is your fault?" He asked her as he looked into her cold eyes.

"It was the truck driver's fault. He ran the light. If we had been going slower, no one would have got hurt. It was- We shouldn't have raced. And he shouldn't have drove." Meredith told him coldly.

"What do you remember about the accident?" Adam pushed as he looked at her.

"Nothing. I don't remember shit. Okay? Nothing. It hurt. It fucking hurt. My whole body hurt. I was in pain. And no one would help me. They wanted me to suffer. He was there. He was there and then he left. He gave up. My mom and dad gave up. Everyone fucking gave up. No one cared." Meredith said as she began to sob. "I can't do this." She said as she started to stand up.

"Meredith, please sit down. I can't let you leave when you are this upset." Adam told her as he grabbed her arm and led her back to the chair. "Just sit down and breathe for awhile."

She hated reliving that time in her life. But it was what was after that killed her even more. She held her stomach, willing the nausea to go away. She couldn't breathe. She took in breath and breath as she thought. After a few minutes she started to relax. She was okay.

"I'm okay." Meredith grumbled as she ringed her hands.

"To go home, or to go on?" He asked as he looked at her.

"To go on. Just... Go on." Meredith snapped as she looked up.

"When you were in the coma, do you remember anything?" Adam asked her as he drew in a breath.

"It hurt. It was always in pain. It was like I was talking, but no one could hear me. No one was there to hear me scream in my head. Derek was there. He read to me. He talked. But then, he just disappeared. I didn't know here he went. He just left me. He just fucking left me, with her. He shouldn't have left me with her. Even if I was- I would have stayed. I would have stayed until the end. He didn't stay. He left me with her and he should have stayed until I-" She cried as she covered her face with her hands.

"Some people cannot handle death, Meredith. Some people cannot deal with the pain. Especially when it is someone they love as deeply as he loves you. He couldn't do it. It's not his fault." Adam explained with a faint smile.

"I know... I know... I just- It still hurts. I know why he did it." Meredith said as she sobbed. "Years. We missed out on years!" She yelled. "It's not fucking right. My life was fucked. Completely fucked."

"But it won't be. Everything worked out, Meredith. You are fine, and you have Derek." Adam told her with a smile. Meredith nodded as she tried to gain her composure. She looked up at him and nodded for him to go on. "So do you think Derek wants to save this patient because he couldn't save you?" Adam asked as he looked at her.

"I know that's why. And that is a bad reason. I am not her. She is not me." Meredith spat angrily.

"But you were angry when your mother essentially gave up?" Adam asked her frankly.

"I was. She gave up. She gave up on me." Meredith said loudly. "I am angry."

"Okay. So no one should give up on you, but it's okay to give up on this young woman?" Adam asked her with surprise in his voice.

"No! I never said that. I-" Meredith stammered as she began to realize.

"Meredith, you have a double standard. All of the time, it's a double standard. It's okay for them to let her go, but it wasn't okay for you. And Derek can't seem to get it right. Your standards are too high. How can everyone play the game, when Meredith is the only one who knows the rules? And what's worse, you change the rules. You change them when you want to. You don't play fair, Meredith. You never play fair. And that's not right. Not for everyone else." Adam scolded as he looked at her.

Meredith sat there in shock. He was right. She did that. All of it. She decided what was right and when. She decided what she deemed fair and unfair. And she changed it. She changed it as she pleased. Her stomach tensed up. He was right. She had been going through this life without true focus. She had been blaming when she wanted, and not letting things go. She felt horrible. She felt foolish.

Meredith wondered what Derek thought. She wondered if he hated her for the way she acted. It wasn't his fault. None of it. But in the back of his head, she always thought about him being the one that drove. She had been selfish and unable to let it all go. But today, she had to.

"We went through a lot today. How do you feel?" Adam asked as he looked into her eyes.

"Exhausted." Meredith said with a smile. "But a little better." She admitted as she looked at him.

"Good. I think we really made a difference today. I'm really glad that you opened up." Adam said as he stood up.

"Me too." Meredith agreed with a nod. "Me too."

----------------

Meredith laid back on the bed. The day took the life out of her. That was the most intense session that she had ever had with Adam. It sucked the life clean out of her. Derek called and offered to bring dinner home. She needed that. She needed some time to rest, without have to attempt to cook before he got home. Meredith closed her eyes and slipped off into a restful sleep.

Derek stopped at their favorite steakhouse and grabbed two dinners. He could tell by the way she was talking on the phone that she was completely drained. He assumed that the appointment with Adam had been too much today. He knew it helped, but he didn't like what it did to her for days afterward.

"Mer..." Derek shouted as he walked in.

He didn't hear her answer, so he dropped the food off on the counter and walked up the stairs. Derek could hear her snoring loudly as he climbed stair after stair. A smile crept over his face as he walked into their room and saw her laying on her back with her hands on her stomach. He slowly crept over and gave her a soft kiss on the forehead.

"Mmm... What time is it?" Meredith asked as she opened her eyes and drew in a deep breath.

"Seven. How long have you been asleep?" He asked as he looked into her tired eyes.

"About two hours." She told him as she slowly threw her legs over the bed and stood.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he kissed her again.

"Physically or mentally?" Meredith questioned as she looked at him.

"Both." He explained as he rubbed her arm.

"Good. Both good." She said with a nod. "But I am starving!" She explained with a smile as she began to walk down the stairs.

Meredith put her steak on the plate along with the mashed potatoes and steamed vegetables. Derek followed suit and they both sat down at the kitchen table. Meredith sat her plate down and walked over to the wine rack and grabbed a bottle and two glasses.

"Do you want a glass?" She asked as she poured one for herself.

"Sure." Derek agreed with a nod as he watched her pour it.

It was slightly sad. Not long ago they had sworn off caffeine and alcohol. And now that didn't matter anymore. Derek took a sip and watched her as she began cutting up her steak. She looked up at him with a smile before she drew in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry about the case. It's your case, Derek. Not mine. It's your decision. I see why you feel you need to do it. And that's okay. It is okay to do what you feel you need to." She told him as she took a bite of the meat.

"I told them today. They are making their decision and telling me tomorrow. You were right. My only obligation to her was medically. And there is nothing I can do about that." Derek said frankly.

"I'm sorry, Derek. I'm sorry that you had that case." She said with a sigh. "And I am sorry that I haven't been playing fair, and that I have been changing the rules on you. It's not fair. And I am done. I am done doing that forever." She told him with a smile.

"You're fine. You're not-" Derek started, slightly confused.

"I just need to let it go. All of it." She told him quickly. "I need to be honest about what I want. I need to stay with what I believe." She explained. "And with that being said... I- I don't want to adopt a child. I know it's selfish. But the only reason I wanted kids was to have a piece of you and I. Not because I wanted kids. We are busy. So busy. And- If we are going to have them, I want them to be our own. I know it isn't right, but it's how I feel. And I needed to say that." Meredith explained.

"Okay. I can respect that." Derek said in shock that she approached the subject.

"And surrogacy... I can't do that. There is no control. There is no one I can trust to carry something so special. People lie. And they don't do what they say. It would be so hard to find someone trustworthy. And then they could drink and smoke. And have sex with just anyone, endangering the baby. I don't want to do it, Derek. i just don't." She told him. "I've just come to the conclusion that I am happy with you. A family would be great. But you are all I need."

"I love you, Meredith." Derek said with a smile as he looked across the table at her.

"We are a family. Maybe we just need a dog. I like dogs." She told him with a nod.

"Yeah. A dog. Now that we could do." Derek said with a chuckle.

Derek hadn't given up on children. And he wasn't convinced that they would never have any. He was just glad that she was facing the issue instead of pretending that nothing was going on. They were making steps. Even of they were tiny ones. They were steps.


	136. An Addition

Meredith laid back on the table. Derek held her had. He was always there for her. She was healing, inside and out. Her appointments with Dr. Greyson had been cut down to every other week. She had been making leaps and bounds as far as getting over the rough patches that seemed to control her life. She finally moving on. On with life.

Derek looked at Meredith. It had to be uncomfortable. He felt so bad as she laid there. Addison was doing yet another of her weekly treatments. At least now they were done under local anesthetic in the office. Meredith closed her eyes as Derek's squeezed her hand. He couldn't imagine being her vulnerable position.

"Okay, Meredith... We're just going to let you rest." Addison said as she pulled away.

"How was it, Addie?" Meredith asked as she looked up at her.

"Much better, Mer. I really think the balloon is helping." Addison told her with a nod as she pulled her gloves off.

"That's good." Meredith muttered as she looked up at Derek and nodded.

"It's actually really good. I would consider your case mild at this point. But that doesn't mean you are problem free." Addison told her frankly. "You lay your head back and rest for awhile. I'll be back."

Meredith laid her head back and closed her eyes. She hated doing that. She hated being on the table with her feet in the stirrups for Addison. Addison was her friend, and if she wasn't the best, Meredith would not want to expose herself to her. She was feeling better. Mentally she was feeling better because she knew that she wasn't full of adhesions.

"Derek, do you think you could get me a bottle of water?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Of course, baby." Derek said with a smile as he looked down at her.

He needed out of the room. He was glad she asked him to get her water. He wanted to talk to Addison. He wanted the version that was free of kid gloves and fluff. As he walked out of the room, he saw Addison at the end of the hall. He quickly walked up and stood in front of her as she scratched on the chart.

"How bad was it really?" He asked with a frown.

"It was not bad. Not bad at all. I am really happy with the progress she is making." Addison explained with a smile.

"So she is getting better?" Derek asked as he looked into her eyes.

"She is. But you have to remember that she has the balloon in place." Addison explained. "If we take that out, without the pressure on her walls, she may go right back to where she started." Addison explained. "And I hate to be giving you this talk..."

"What talk?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"The safe sex talk." Addison said with a chuckle. "You see, Meredith's problem isn't getting pregnant. She is definitely fertile. Her problem is that she can't hold the pregnancy. Right now she is on the hormones I am giving her, but no birth control. I want to keep her off of the birth control so we have more of an idea of what is going on with her levels. Abstinence is best, but if you are going to have sex, you need to use protection. If she got pregnant, I don't think she could handle it. There is no guarantee and the emotional trauma is far too great. You really need to be careful."

"I understand." Derek said with a nod. "I wouldn't- She could not handle it again. We are finally getting to a better place. I would hate to be the reason that she goes back." Derek agreed with a nod.

"I'm glad that Meredith is making headway. She has been through so much. She deserves to be happy." Addison told him with a nod.

"She does. She really does." Derek told her happily as he looked down the hall. "And I promised her water. So I will do that."

Addison was right. As Derek thought about it, they did have to be careful. Meredith wouldn't be able to take the pain of another loss. And he was grateful that Addison didn't lie. Yes, Meredith's uterus was looking good and healthy at this time, but that didn't mean that it would be in a week. That didn't mean that everything would be perfect down the road.

Derek grabbed a bottle of water from the machine and made his way down the hall. He wasn't thinking that Ellis would be around to bother them. He had made it more than clear. It made him sick that he ever suggested that Meredith was anything like the evil that was her mother. Meredith was right, he was beginning to agree, Ellis would not have any part in their lives. Ever.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he stepped back in the room and looked at her.

"Hmm... A little tired, I guess." Meredith admitted as he looked up at him. "But I'm okay."

"Good." Derek said with a smile.

Derek sat down in the chair next to Meredith. His hand grabbed her petite one and squeezed it gently. As much as he wanted kids, he was beginning to realize that the only thing that he really wanted was her. She was his everything. She could only give what she could. And that was more than enough for him.

------------------

Meredith sat in the passenger seat of Derek's Yukon Denali. She was a little sleepy. Even though she wasn't under general anesthesia, it seemed even the local anesthetic made her a little tired. It was traumatic to her body to have Addison cutting pieces out of her. It was an assault on her reproductive system. But hopefully it was a good assault.

"Where are we going?" Meredith asked as she looked over at Derek.

He always drove the same way home from Seattle Presbyterian Hospital. But today he was going in the wrong direction. She could tell by the smirk on his face that he was up to something. He was plotting. He was planning. He didn't answer as he made his way on the expressway and sped forward.

"Derek! Where are we going?" She asked loudly as she glared it him.

"Places." Derek told her with a smirk. "Good places, if you ask me."

"You know I don't like surprises." Meredith moaned as she looked out the window.

"You... I think you love surprises. You are a closet surprise lover!" Derek told her with a chuckle.

"Fine! I love them. But I want to know what it is! Come on... Please?" She asked with a smile.

"Nope. Not happening." Derek warned as he drove along. "So how was your appointment with Dr. Greyson yesterday?"

"Well, I haven't had to yet, but Adam says I can start driving again. I have to stop if I get tense. But he thinks it will be fine..." She said with a big grin on her face. "It's that great. We can finally get back to our normal life!"

"That is great, honey." Derek agreed as he grabbed her hand. "You have no idea how proud I am of you. I know it had to be hard to open up to a stranger. i know you carried a lot of baggage around. But I am so happy that you are feeling better. No one deserves to suffer. And you have never seemed better."

"I feel great. I haven't felt this great since- Since I first met you. I just feel like life has been renewed. Thank you for making me go, Derek. You saved me, just like you always do." Meredith pointed out with a smile. "How is the patient?" Meredith asked as she looked over at him.

"They can't let go. The dad can. But mom can't. I just- I don't know. You make excellent points. But a person can only do what they can do. She is going to be transferred at the end of the week. Seattle Grace can't keep her anymore." He explained with a frown.

"I'm really sorry, Derek. I know you were hoping for more. I wish you could have gotten it." She told him softly.

"That is life, Mer. That is life." He repeated as he pulled into the driveway.

"Seattle Pure Bred dog rescue... Why? We're adopting a dog!" She asked in shock as she looked up.

"We are." Derek said with a smile as he parked the car and looked over at her. "Unless you don't want to."

"I do! I do!" She told him as she threw the door open and jumped out of the car. "Come on, Derek! Come on!" She shouted as she grabbed his hand and pulled him along.

Derek was in shock. He hadn't seen her this excited in a long time. She was jumping around. She was literally bouncing to the door. It made him feel great to know that he was doing something that made him so happy. He was as excited as she was as they walked in the door.

Paperwork had to be filed. They weren't even allowed to see the dogs until they were approved to adopt. Meredith was nervous as Derek began filling out the papers. It took forever. It was almost as hard as adopting a child. Well, not quite. But it was still time consuming.

"Okay, Drs. Shepherd. I see no problems here." The woman said with a smile. "If you are interested, why don't you follow me to the kennel?"

"Really?" Meredith asked happily.

Derek looked into her sparkling green eyes. They were literally sparkling in the dim lights in the small office. He hadn't seen her that bright eyed since the day in their old apartment when they talked about the future. Derek grabbed her hand and followed the woman. He was just as excited as she.

Meredith looked around at all of the barking dogs. They were beautiful. She wanted to take every single one home. And she would, if Derek didn't stop her. As she walked to eat kennel, she made them promises that they would find great homes. As she looked into their brown eyes, and then up at Derek's blue, he had to shake his head no. She wanted them all.

"Just one, Mer." Derek warned her as they walked up and down.

"Derek! How can you say that? Just one... They all need homes." She whined as she looked around.

"And we only have enough time for one." Derek warned her.

"You're right." She pouted as she looked up at him.

"So which one?" Derek asked as he looked around.

"That one. He has sad eyes." Meredith told him as she walked to the cage of a black and tan german shepherd. "He needs a good home."

"He's so thin." Derek pointed out as he looked at him.

"Ah... Marley. He just came in last week. He's very personable. The people that had him tied him up outside and didn't feed him. But he is healthy. He just needs some groceries." The woman said as she walked up.

"That's him." Meredith said with a big nod. "Marley, do you want to come home with us?" She asked as he wagged his tail. "Yep. He he wants to come home with us..."

-------------------

Meredith sat on the sofa. It had been her first day off in two weeks. The hospital was kicking her ass up down and around. Marley had been spending far too much time by himself. She was actually feeling pretty bad about it. She couldn't help but think what it would be if she had a child.

"You are such a good dog... Come here!" Meredith said as she patted her stomach.

Derek hated it. He didn't like Marley on the furniture or the bed. But Meredith was persistent. And she bathed him as much as his skin could handle. He was her baby. Marley quickly ran up and jumped onto her, laying all of his sixty pounds across her body. She was beginning to wonder if she would be able to take it when he got to his full weight.

"You are a good boy. You are mama's good boy!" She exclaimed as she rubbed his head.

Meredith heard a car door shut outside. Marley quickly jumped up and ran to the door barking. Meredith climbed off of the sofa and walked to the door. She was surprised to see Kristy's smiling face through the frosted glass. She didn't have to see her to know that she was smiling.

"Hello... " Meredith said as she opened the door.

"Hey... I just thought I would stop by. I was kind of in the area. Hey Marley...How are you?" Kristy asked with a smile as she rubbed his head.

"Do you want some tea?" Meredith asked as she motioned for her to come in.

"That would be great." Kristy agreed as she pulled off her jacket and followed her into the kitchen.

Meredith made them both cups of tea and walked into the living room. Kristy grabbed a chair, while Meredith sat on the sofa with Marley on her lap. Marley looked up at her as she rubbed his soft head and talked to him. She loved that dog as much as any person.

"He is really attached to you." Kristy said in shock as she looked up.

"He's my baby." Meredith said as she rubbed him again. "My only baby." She said sadly.

"How are you feeling?" Kristy asked softly.

"I'm good. I feel really good." Meredith explained.

"You had a treatment with Addison... How did it go?" Kristy asked softly.

"I can't have kids, Kris. I just- I've come to peace with it." Meredith muttered. "It's okay. There is more to life."

"You could adopt or surrogacy..." Kristy suggested as she looked up.

"I am not adopting. If I- I want Derek's child, and only Derek's child. In my own womb. I just- I can't do it." Meredith said with a sigh. "And surrogacy... I don't want some stranger carrying my child. I don't need someone lying about what they are doing. I don't need someone catching an STD or smoking and drinking... I am not taking the risk. It's okay, Kris. I have accepted it." Meredith explained with a sigh.

"It's okay... I get it. I just- If you are happy, that's good. That is all that matteres." Kristy explained.

Kristy looked at her. Meredith was happy. She was happy. But she wasn't complete. In Kristy's mind, Meredith and Derek would not be complete without a baby. She talked to Derek. There was hope. She was having hope. Derek was having hope. They would have their baby...


	137. It Worked

Meredith laid in her bed with Marley at her side. She knew that Derek would have ten kittens when he came home. He didn't like it. But she didn't care. She was the boss, and she liked to make sure that he knew it. She loved to just get him going. They were in the perfect spot at the moment and she wanted to stay there. It was comfortable.

Marley snuggled into her side as she pulled a magazine up from the table. She was tired. She was always tired. But that came with the territory of the job. It was never ending work at the hospital. Marley licked her hand as he looked up at her with his brown eyes.

Meredith heard the garage door open. Marley quickly jumped off of the bed and ran downstairs to see what was going on. Derek was home. They were finally in a normal place in life. All of their drama was behind them. They acted like normal everyday people as much as the could, being surgeons. Meredith had grabbed some pasta from their favorite italian restaurant and already eaten. Derek's was down in the kitchen, but she heard him come right upstairs.

"Hey." Meredith said softly as she looked up at him.

"Hey." Derek said as he leaned against the doorframe and looked at her in the bed.

She looked so content. It was like she had everything she needed. Things were so simple as she sat there, munching on popcorn and reading her magazine. That was his Meredith. He had missed her. She had been gone for such a long time.

"I'm going to take a shower." Derek told her as he walked over to the bed and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Good... You stink." She teased as she looked up at him.

"Do not." Derek told her frankly. "Besides, you like the way I smell."

"Maybe." Meredith said with a sigh as he disappeared. "Mar! Marley!" She whispered loudly, beckoning him. "There's mommy's big guy!" She said with a smile.

Meredith smirked as Marley took Derek's side of the bed, and sprawled out on his side. He was a big dog that took up a ton of room when he stretched out. Meredith nonchalantly rubbed his belly as she slept. She heard the water go off and looked up at the door when Derek opened it.

"You're shitting me! What is he doing in the bed?" Derek asked in shock as he looked up at him.

"Resting." Meredith told him with a soft smile.

"He can't lay in our bed. He's in our bed!" Derek said quickly as he looked at him.

"Yeah... He is. He's your replacement." Meredith said with a shrug. "A very good one."

"Oh really? A dog has become a replacement for me... In our bed." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Uh huh." Meredith said with a nod. "He's warm... And soft." Meredith explained as she rubbed him. "He is great."

It had been far too long. Addison gave them the all clear for sex, but Meredith didn't seem eager. Derek didn't want to push her, so he didn't say anything. He had been wanting sex. He had been wanting her. But he knew that her body was a mess, and she wasn't feeling like herself. Tonight she was looking happy, she was looking content. And Derek wanted her.

Meredith looked up at Derek. She hadn't shared her body with him in far too long. She needed him. She needed to feel the emotional connection. It wasn't just the sex. It was that feeling of comfort. She felt like she was safe from the world. She felt like life would forever be perfect. She needed him.

"Can he do this?" Derek asked as he walked over and kissed her softly.

"He can.. He licks me occasionally. It's actually very sw-" Meredith started before she was cut off by Derek's tongue in her mouth.

Meredith melted as she felt Derek's slick tongue slide into her mouth and graze her teeth. She ran her hands through his curls and pulled him close. She pressed her tongue against his as she fought him for power. This was her fight, she was in charge. She wanted him to know who the boss was.

"So can Marley do that?" Derek asked as he pulled away breathlessly.

"No. He definitely can't do that." She moaned as Derek climbed onto the bed and leaned over her.

"Can he do this?" He asked as he lifted her shirt and began pecking kisses on her abdomen.

"Uh... No." Meredith moaned as she leaned up and Derek pulled her shirt over her head. Derek quickly slid his own off and let out a groan as his hard cock pressed against her. Derek pulled off her pajama bottoms and panties and smiled. His fingers grazed her wet slit, and he placed them in his mouth.

"Mmm..." Derek moaned as he sucked his fingers clean. "You are so wet." He told her happily.

"Ready for you." She told him as she pushed his pants partially down with her feet. Derek laid across her and sucked her nipples. "Please?" She asked as she pulled his head up.

"Condom." Derek said as he leaned over and grabbed one out of the drawer.

"Yeah... We need that." She agreed as he stood beside the bed and began rolling it on. "Please give it to me." She begged as he climbed back on top of her and she spread her legs for him.

"Of course. You have no idea how long I have been waiting for this." He muttered as he slid his cock up and down her slit , spreading her wetness around, before sliding in. A smile covered his face as he felt her warmth wrap around him.

"Oh..." Meredith moaned as their bodies slid. Derek paused for a second when he heard someone else moaning. He quickly looked over, seeing Marley looking back at him. "It's fine." Meredith told him as she looked up and turned his head to her. "Keep going." Derek slowly began pumping again, just before Marley groaned again and looked up into Derek's eyes.

"I can't do this!" Derek said as he pulled out of her and jumped out of the bed.

"Derek... He's fine. Just ignore him." Meredith said quickly as she looked over.

"Mer... The dog is in our bed! Our bed! And now he is in our bed groaning like he likes it. I can't fuck you with him in our bed. He's watching. He is watching and he is liking what he is seeing. He is sick. I thought he was your baby. Like your child. And he likes to see mommy get fucked! How sick is that, dude?" Derek snapped at Marley as he looked over.

"He's a dog Derek!" She said in shock as she looked over. "Be nice!"

"It's wrong. He took my place. Now he is mocking me. It's wrong, Mer!" Derek whined as he peeled the condom off and threw it in the trash. "I can't do it."

"Ah! Fine!" She spat as she climbed out of the bed and to the door. "Marley... Let's go. Go to bed." She said as she pointed out the door. "Daddy is obviously insecure with his manhood." She grumbled. "I'm sorry, buddy. Mommy loves you." She told him as she shut the door. "Happy?" Meredith asked as she walked back over to the bed.

"Yes." Derek told her frankly. "Now get over here." He said as he pulled her over to the bed and laid her down. Meredith smiled as she looked up at him, ignoring Marley's cries at the door. Derek grabbed another condom and rolled it on to his hard cock. It was bobbing and pulsating in anticipation for her. Derek laid between her spread legs and thrust into her hard.

"Derek... He's crying." Meredith whined as Derek pumped into her core. She could hear him. She couldn't take it.

"He'll be fine. Let him be." Derek told her frankly as he slid his hard member in and out of her warm core.

Derek groaned at the feeling of her perfect warmth wrapped around him, molding around his cock. He needed the connection. All this did was add to the emotional connection that they were already sharing. Derek slide his tongue into her mouth and fucked it while he fucked her. Meredith slid her hands up and down his back, feeling her body beginning to react.

"He's still crying." Meredith said quickly as she pulled away and listened.

"He will be fine, Mer. He will be okay." Derek told her as he once again covered her mouth.

"I can't leave him- Oh...God... OH... I can't. Not fair!" She yelled as she felt Derek stroke her clit. "He can't suffer..."

"He will stop. Give him time." Derek spat as he pushed into her, getting frustrated. "See... He stopped." Derek said with a smile as he felt her body against his. "He's fine."

Oh my god!" She gasped as she felt the length of his large cock hastily penetrate her over and over again. She immediately felt strong sensations taking her over body. He filled her completely. His girth pressed against her tight walls.

"Tight, you are so tight..." He said with a grin as he slid himself in and out of her, his hands on the sides of her body. "Oh..." He moaned. "So fucking tight!" He grunted as he pushed and pulled against the resistance that had formed from their lack of use. She gasped as she felt his length reach deeper and farther.

"Derek...oh god...Derek..." She screamed as he quickened his pace. "Oh my..." She moaned. "Harder... Harder, faster, harder!"

"Fuck!" He yelled breathlessly, as he pounded into her with force.

"Harder!" She screamed as she squeezed his back tightly. "Oh god! Oh god!" She shouted as she began to ride the waves of her orgasm.

"Meredith...Oh my...Mer..." He moaned loudly. "Fuck..." He could feel her tightening around him.

"I'm...oh god!" She shouted as she felt a rush of heat. "Harder...shit...Don't stop. Harder..." Slipping. Sliding. Pushing. Pulling.

"Fuck...I'm...oh..." He grunted as he thrust into her and released. Meredith slid her hands down his sweaty back and squeezed his ass. "Ah..."

"Wow..." She moaned as he laid down on her.

Meredith and Derek laid there in exhaustion from their efforts. It wasn't perfect, but it was pretty amazing. They were always amazing together. The way their bodies meshed was pure perfection every time. Derek listened to her rapid heartbeat as kissed her chest.

"He is being way too quiet." She told him frankly. "Way too quiet."

"I'm sure he's fine." Derek told her with a sigh. "He is probably sleeping."

"No, Derek. Something isn't right." She told him as he pulled out and she pulled herself out of the bed from under him. Meredith crossed the room and threw her robe on, opening the door. She frowned when she didn't see Marley there. "This isn't good."

Meredith quietly crept down the stairs with Derek on her heels. She had a feeling that Marley was up to no good. She just knew it. She could hear him. He was making satisfied groans. As she crept around the corner, her eyes got wide. He was on the floor, chewing the handles on Derek's leather bag.

"Marley, bad!" Meredith growled as she ran up to him. "Bad boy! Very bad!" She shouted as she pulled it away. He got a worried look on his face as he dropped the bag. "Mommy is disappointed. You are bad! Don't follow me! I'm mad at you!" She said again as she turned her back to him and threw the bag on the table. "I told you he was quiet." She spat as she marched off.

"Hehehe..." Derek chuckled as he looked at Marley. "How do you like that, sucker? Yep. Mommy is pissed at you. Now you are in trouble. That's what you get for fucking with the big dog. Yep. You got yelled at, and daddy got pussy. Life's a bitch." He laughed as he walked away.

Derek followed Meredith up to bed. She laid back with a frown on her face. He knew how much it killed her to yell at him like that. He was her baby and how they had a fight. He climbed to his side of the bed and gave her a soft kiss as she started reading.

"My patient wasn't transferred." He told her. "Now it's a legal battle. Dad is suing mom." He told her. "I just- This is ridiculous."

"I'm sorry, Derek." Meredith told him with a frown. "I know this is hard on you."

"I just- It sucks. I will never understand how this happens. Families get crazy. They are in court. A husband and wife. There is no way they can be living together. Every time I see them, they are fighting. It's sad, Mer. It's really sad." Derek said with a frown.

"It is. But that is life, Derek. It's not your battle." She said with a sigh. "We have had our battles. And I don't know about you, but I don't want anymore." She told him as she leaned over and kissed him. "They will work it out."

"I hope so." Derek said with a sigh. The feelings of guilt quickly took him over. He was mean to their dog. He was mean to Meredith's baby. "I taunted him. Marley. I teased him and it was wrong." He said as he shook his head.

"You are a mean dad." Meredith said with a frown. "I still can't believe he did that." She said in shock.

"He was jealous. He adores you. And he was upset. He was just trying to get back at me." Derek said with a sigh. "He has had a rough life. It wasn't his fault."

"Yeah... He really is a good boy." Meredith told him with a nod.

"Marley!" Derek yelled. They heard him run up the stairs and into the bedroom. Derek patted his hand on the bed and Marley jumped up, laying between them. "This is good." Derek said with a nod.

"It is." Meredith agreed as he leaned over and kissed him. Derek grabbed his book, and she read her magazine. They both rubbed Marley. At the moment, it worked.


	138. Getting To Know You

Meredith was back to driving fully, but Derek was worried. Not necessarily of her driving. She hadn't had any episode is a very long time. It was her driving at night after she was exhausted. She worried about Marley. So even after a long shift, when she should be staying in an on-call room, she was rushing home to check on him. He couldn't blame her. He worried about Marley too.

Marley had become quite an addition to the family. Derek and Meredith adored him like he was there child. Derek pretended that he was just a dog, but he was always stopping at the doggie boutique to buy Marley new toys and treats. One of Derek's favorite things was to get up early and take Marley out to play. They were quite a family. The perfect one.

Meredith ran her hand over the bed. She wasn't expecting to feel the soft skin of a man. She was expecting to feel the soft fur of a canine. But she did not. She felt the coolness of their soft sheets. She grumbled as she rolled out of the bed. Meredith threw her robe on and stumbled down the stairs. It was a Sunday morning. Meredith loved Sunday mornings when they didn't work.

Meredith smiled as she looked out the window. The love that she felt for that man and their dog was unmeasurable. It nearly brought her to tears. It was amazing how life took this turn. Meredith still missed out on children. It still stung. But the sting was less severe. The sting didn't hurt so badly anymore. She had Derek. And she had that dog. And she felt complete with them. They were her everything.

Meredith smiled as she walked to the French doors and watched Marley leap and jump for the ball. He was quite the little athlete. Meredith was feeling like a proud mama as she watched him. He was a good dog. He adored her. And she adored him just as much. Meredith opened the door and walked out.

"There's mama's baby!" Meredith giggled as she bent down and pet him on the head. "You stole my warmth!" Meredith warned Derek as she looked up. "Are you playing with Dad? He's so good to you!" Meredith said with a smile as she kissed him on the head.

"Good morning." Derek said as he walked up and kissed her.

"Good morning." Meredith agreed as she smiled at him. "It's so warm."

"It is. You go grab a seat. I'll get your coffee and we'll sit out here." Derek suggested.

"Sounds perfect." Meredith agreed as she stood and walked over to one of the white adirondack chairs and crossed her leg over the other. "You are a good boy!" Meredith told Marley as he ran over and brought her the ball. "But I think daddy has been playing with you all morning!"

"Here you go." Derek said with a smile as he carried two steaming cups of coffee and sat them down on the white wood table between them. "He is a good dog, Mer. You made and excellent choice."

"I did. I knew it was him. He spoke to me." Meredith told Derek as she rubbed his head.

"He spoke to you?" Derek asked with raised eyebrows.

"Yep. He spoke to my heart. He was just what I needed." Meredith said with a nod. "So what are we going to do today?"

"What would you like to do today?" He asked as he sipped his coffee and gaze over at her.

"Something outside. It is so nice." Meredith exclaimed as she breathed in the fresh air and felt the sun lay on her skin.

"It is." Derek agreed as he looked around. "We never came out here before..."

"See... Marley is good, all the way around!" Meredith told him as she patted him again and then sent him over to Derek.

Derek loved this. He wanted children playing in the yard. He still held onto that dream. But seeing Meredith with Marley made him feel better. Marley helped her in ways that no one would never understand. Marley pulled her together and bound her. He warmed her heart and made her forget their troubles. He owed a lot to that dog. He owed him their lives.

"What about the park? We haven't taken Mar for a walk..." Derek pointed out. "We could hang out there... Maybe get some ice cream. And then stop Pet Elegance."

"Wow... Derek, do you hear yourself?" Meredith giggled.

"I do." Derek agreed with a nod. "It's sad, I know."

"It is. But it makes our guy happy. And that is enough for me." She told him with a happy nod. "So, Mar-man, how would you like to go to the park? Maybe take a walk? Oh god, what if he doesn't walk on the leash?"

"He will be okay, Mer. And if he's not... We have plenty of time to teach him." Derek said with a smile.

"Yes we do..." Meredith said with a smile. It would be a good day.

Meredith walked into the garage and grabbed Marley's leather leash. Apparently, since there was no child, they both decided to treat him like their child. The first day, they went out and bought everything he would need. And here she was holding his soft leather leash with his name engraved on the brass nameplate, an accompaniment to his matching collar.

Just as Meredith crossed the living room, something caught her eye. She looked out the window to see someone approaching. She let out a sigh as she walked to the door. She had no idea who the woman and small child were. But one good thing was sure to come of it. They came bearing gifts.

"Der... Someone is here." Meredith shouted before the doorbell rang. Meredith slowly opened the door and looked up.

"Hi!" The woman said with a smile as she stuck out her hand. "I'm Corrine. This is my daughter Melinda." She said with a smile as Meredith stuck out her hand. "We're your neighbors."

"Oh... Wow... It's nice to meet you! I'm- I'm Meredith, and my husband Derek is around here somewhere." Meredith muttered as she looked around. "Would you like to come in?"

"Sure. Oh, here I baked a cake." She said as she handed the container to Meredith. "I hope you like chocolate."

"Seriously? I love chocolate! Thank you!" Meredith said with a smile as she happily accepted it. "You baked... I just- Wow."

"I'm so sorry we didn't come sooner. Life just kinda takes over... You know?" Corrine said with a smile.

"You have no idea." Meredith said with a giggled as she heard the backdoor open. "That must be Der..."

"Hey... Oh, hi." Derek said with a smile as he walked in. "I'm Derek Shepherd."

"Corrine Davis. And this is my daughter, Melinda." She said with a smile. "Melinda, say hi."

"Hi." Melinda said quickly.

Marley quickly came running in and wagging his tail. Meredith panicked for a second. She had no idea how he was around children. A wave of relief came over her as Marley ran up and licked the little girl. He was good around kids. And she seemed more than content to stand there and pet him.

"Well, I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood. We're actually a tight knit group here. We like keep track of each other. I hope you don't mind..." Corrine said with a smile.

"No, not at all. We're never home. Work gets all of our time." Derek explained with a frown. "So it's great to know someone is paying attention to things."

"Oh... What do you do?" Corrine asked softly.

"We work at Seattle Grace." Meredith said simply as she looked up.

"Oh. The hospital... I see." Corrine answered with a smile. "That can be a busy life. Do you have any children?"

"No... Just Marley." Derek explained as he rubbed his back. "And we were just getting ready to take him out for the day."

"Well, I need to get back home anyhow. But it was nice meeting you both. And if you ever need anything, I am in the red brick house." She said with a smile.

"It was nice meeting you." Meredith and Derek both said with smiles as they looked up. She slowly walked out of the house and left.

"That was nice." Meredith said with a smile as she looked into Derek's eyes.

"Yeah, it was." Derek agreed as he leaned down and kissed her head.

"Are you ready, Marley? You have a very busy day ahead of you!" She said with a giggle as she stood up. "Where to?" Meredith asked with a smile.

"Let's go to the park. Then we can go to the pet store." Derek suggested as he put his arm around her back and they walked across the house.

Meredith was completely content driving in the car with Derek and her dog. They had Marley in the back. They learned from the past, that Marley was so perfect in the car. He seemed to like to stand over the counsel and put his nose on the windshield. They both decided that was not only dangerous for him, but for themselves. They got a guard, and Marley was stuck in the back. And he wasn't happy.

"He hates it back there." Meredith muttered as she looked at him in the mirror.

"I know. But he can't hang out up here. The last thing we need is an accident." Derek told her frankly.

"Yeah..." Meredith agreed with a sigh.

Derek quickly pulled into a parking spot. There weren't many cars in the lot. They were both shocked, it was a beautiful sunny day, and no one seemed to be around. Derek climbed out of the car and went to the back, opening the tailgate. As soon as he got it open, Marley jumped out and took off.

"Fuck!" Derek spat as he watched the dog run. "Marley!" Derek screamed as he watched him run.

"Derek!" Meredith cried out. She was in a panic. That was her baby. And now he was loose. All she could think about was Marley being hit by a car or running away. It made her sick. She listened as Derek yelled his name, the dog ignoring him. Meredith quickly ran off.

"Marley!" She yelled as she got closer. As soon as he heard her call his name, he looked up and came barreling towards her. "What are you doing?" Meredith said angrily as she bent down and held his collar. "You scared mommy do bad. You have to listen to Derek, Marley. That was a bad boy. You were bad." She warned him as she watched Derek come up and clip the leash on him.

"What the hell was that?" Derek grumbled as they stood up and looked down at the dog.

"That was freedom. Apparently we have to be more careful with him." Meredith pointed out with a sigh.

"I don't like that. He needs to listen to me." Derek told her frankly as they started walking to the trail.

"He will. You just need to work with him. I spend a lot of time with him." Meredith explained.

Marley was a dream on the leash. He didn't bark at people who went by, he didn't pull Derek's arm off. He seemed to be in his element as he walked down the trail with his people. It had become quite apparent that he had claimed them as his. Meredith wrapped her arm around Derek's back as they walked along.

"I like this." Meredith told Derek frankly. "I like being out here."

"Me too." Derek agreed as they looked around. "Maybe we made a mistake."

"A mistake with what?" Meredith asked quickly as she looked over at him.

"The house. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten that house." Derek said with a sigh. "I rushed into it because I wanted to make you happy. But maybe it wasn't what we needed."

"Our house is perfect, I love it." Meredith told him quickly. "I love it."

"Maybe I should have gotten something with some land. Maybe we should have had our own park." Derek told her with a sigh.

"We have the cabin, Derek. Marley will love it up there. And then we can come here on the weekends. If we got something else, we would never appreciate the cabin. I love our house, and I don't want to move." She explained as she leaned up and pecked his cheek.

"Whatever makes you happy, Mer. We only live once. And I want to make sure you get everything you want." Derek told her with a sigh.

"I have everything I want, right here." Meredith said with a smile as she squeezed his hand. "Everything...right here."


	139. Patient Family Comfort

Derek leaned his head back against the wall. It was a mess. Such and incredible mess. It should affect him, and yet it was. It hit him in the gut and went to his core. It was hell coming to the hospital everyday. It hurt to see two people suffering the way he suffered. It was hell to see them fighting non-stop. It made him want to run off to the cabin with Meredith and Marley, never to return again.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Marilyn Graves said as she walked up to Derek.

"Do you need something?" Derek asked as he looked up at the woman.

"Not really... I just- Thank you. Thank you for everything. I hate to do this. I know that this affects you. It affects everyone around here when we fight. And I don't want everyone to be affected. It's not fair. But I do appreciate everything you do. I really do. You have been amazing... Just- Thank you." Marilyn said as she leaned in and hugged Derek.

"It's not easy. I know it is not easy. It's hell. Day in and day out, it is hell. You come in, and there is no change. You want to give up, but you can't, because you feel too damn guilty. You try to to stay hopeful, but it's the same. You try to figure out what they would have wanted, but you can't. People don't walk around making their feelings known. And even if they did, it changes." Derek told her frankly as he shook his head.

"You- That is exactly how I feel. You know so much. Like you lived it." She told him with confusion in her voice.

"I did. I did experience it. And it changed me. I changed me and it ripped me apart. But I made it." Derek explained.

"What happened?" Marilyn asked as they sat down at the waiting chairs.

"She was... I should say, is, the love of my life. There was an accident. And it was that, an accident. And it was by far the worst day of my life. It changed everything. I changed me forever. She had no brain function. None what so ever. I stayed with her day and night. They made me go home to take a shower, otherwise, I was there. And I don't regret a second of it, because I loved her. But I had no rights. Her mother was her proxy, and she wanted to pull the plug. I did everything I could. I fought. I tried everything. I couldn't hang on for that ride. I could not sit there and watch her die when they took her off. I couldn't watch the love of my life leave me. So I left. I left. I decided that I would spend my life on the brain. Spend it trying to give people hope. And now, in this moment, in this situation, I have failed." Derek told her as he looked into her gray eyes.tricked

"You have not failed. You have done everything you could. And you have been honest with me. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. I wish it were different. And every night, I wonder if I am making the right choices. I lay in bed and wonder what she would have wanted." Marilyn said with a sigh. "This love of your life... She lived?"

"She did. I didn't find out until fourteen years later." Derek told her with a smilie.

"What happened to her?" Marilyn asked, concerned and feeling connected to Derek.

"She tricked me into marrying her." Derek said with a smirk. "And my life is just beginning."

"Wow... That is amazing. See, that is what my husband doesn't get. That could happen. It could." Marilyn said with a frown.

"I could. All signs point to no. But that was how it was with Meredith. And she made it. I am unrealistic. I should lean more towards the medical end, but it's hard. It's hard knowing that sometimes the tests are not accurate." Derek pointed out.

"I just don't know what to do." Marilyn said with a sigh. "Your wife... I don't want to impose... Do you think I could talk to her? She's been there. Maybe she could give me insight. Maybe she could steer me in the right direction."

Derek sat there for a second. He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to throw that on Meredith. There were in a good place, and he didn't want to drag her back into the depths of hell. He couldn't say yes without talking to her. He couldn't sabotage her. He couldn't help but think it would give Marilyn piece of mind. He would just have to see.

"I can talk to her. It has taken years for her to accept everything that has happened. And I refuse to let her return to that dark place again. But I will talk to her. I will feel her out. I do think it would be helpful for you." Derek told her with a smile.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd. Thank you so much." She said as she rubbed his hand and walked off.

-----------------

Meredith rushed back into the hospital. She wasn't supposed to leave. But she couldn't help it. She was worried about Marley. She was wondering if he was okay. She worried that he had to potty and she wasn't there. She worried that he was hungry. She worried that he didn't have water. So she rushed home, checked on him, and rushed back.

"Are you okay?" Dina Eastman asked as Meredith rushed up to the nurses station.

"Good, why?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"You're winded." Dina pointed out. "Did you have a code or something?"

"eh... Just like running." Meredith said quickly as she looked over the post-op notes that had been written. "I swear, these interns... Look at this! Misspellings everywhere. This is insane."

"They are bad. I hope that isn't one of mine." Dina said with a frown.

"Nope. Dr. Weathers." Meredith said quickly. "And I will make sure he hears about it!" She said quickly as she rushed off.

She didn't like interns. She was starting to realize that they were horrible. She had an excellent group. And now, she was surrounded by groups of the most inadequate interns she had ever known. As she walked up, she saw the group of interns laughing and giggling my the wall.

"Which one of you dumb asses is Dr. Stevenson?" Meredith asked as she walked up.

"Um- Um... I am." The young female said as she stepped up.

"This is shit. Shit, shit, shit! I never want to see a mess like this again. You spelled incision wrong. Incision! I, n, c, i, c, i, o, n. Got it? Redo them all. Now!" Meredith spat as she handed the stack off to the terrified girl.

"Okay." She said meekly as she scurried away. "You the rest of you... Get off your asses!" She yelled as she pointed away.

"Someday, you will make an excellent chief." Miranda Bailey said with a smile as she walked up. "I couldn't have done it better myself."

"These new ones are bad, Miranda. I have never seen anything like it. They know nothing." Meredith grumbled.

"Just imagine what Mercy-West got stuck with." Miranda joked as she looked at Meredith with a raised brow. "Actually, I just got off the phone with UNOS."

"Oh..." Meredith said with her eyes wide open.

"Dr. Santos' patient is getting a heart. I was wondering if you want to take an intern with you and go pick it up?" Miranda asked with a smile. "I could ask a resident, but it's up to you."

"No! I want to go..." Meredith said with a smile.

"Well, find Santos. I'm sure there are things he wants to go over you with. And then suit up. You have a long ride ahead of you." Miranda said with a grin.

"A long ride, what do you mean?" Meredith asked.

"Oh, about two hours." Miranda explained.

"Where am I going?" Meredith asked.

"To Portland. Oregon Health and Science University Hospital." Miranda told her frankly. "Go find Santos."

"Okay." Meredith muttered. She was wishing she hadn't said yes.

The ride to Oregon Health and Science was forever. Meredith anted to kill the intern. She actually imagined throwing him out of the helicopter. She flirted with the idea of the young doctor free falling from such great heights. He was asking questions. He was eager to learn. But it never stopped. It was one thing after another. Asking about this, asking about that. She was going insane.

Meredith scrubbed in and stood to the side in the operating room. It was a nice hospital. It was pretty state of the art. She could see herself working in a place like this. She was pretty much guaranteed a position at Seattle Grace, but that didn't mean she didn't flirt with the idea of being somewhere else. The surgeon taking out the heart, was somewhat meticulous in his work, but he was nothing compared to Adrien de Gaulle.

"So you are Meredith Grey?" The surgeon said with a smile.

"Meredith Shepherd." Meredith corrected as she looked up.

"Ah, yes... You married the neurosurgeon." He pointed out. "I would have kept my name, if I were you."

"So that I could be associated with Ellis Grey? I really rather not." Meredith snapped. "My husband's name is fine with me."

"I see." He said with raised brows as he looked up at her.

That was it. After she said that, the man wanted nothing to do with her. It was as if she meant or knew nothing because of her obvious dislike of her mother. Meredith didn't care. She had nothing to prove. She couldn't care any less of she tried. Meredith watched as they packed up the heart and handed her the cooler. She was glad to be going back.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Meredith heard a voice yell from behind.

"Yes?" Meredith asked as she spun around.

"Dr. LeMue." The woman said as she stuck out her hand. "I am Chief of Surgery here..."

"Oh, nice to meet you." Meredith replied as she shook her hand.

"I have to admit, I am glad you are here..." Dr. LeMue said with a smile. "It saves me a letter."

"Oh... What did you need?" Meredith asked as she looked over at her.

"Well, I know that you are in your fellowship at the moment. And I just wanted to put the offer out there. We would love to have you as our cardio-thoracic attending. No rush, I just thought I would offer it. I will of course, write a a formal offer. But I hope you give us a thought." She said with a smile.

"Oh... Yeah." Meredith agreed with a sigh. "It was nice meeting you."

"You too." She said with a smile as Meredith walked away.

-------------

Meredith groaned as she stumbled to the on-call room. The heart transplant took hours. It took forever. She enjoyed every minute of it. But that didn't mean that it didn't completely drain her dry. She just wanted to run home to her warm bed. But she couldn't. Derek was in the on-call room waiting for her.

Meredith walked into the dark room and pulled her shoes off. Derek was asleep on the bottom bunk. She quickly went to the bathroom and came out and crawled into the warm bed. Derek moaned before he pulled her close and nestled his face into her neck.

"How was it?" Derek asked softly.

"Fine." Meredith moaned. "Go to sleep... You are tired."

"Mmmm." Derek agreed as he closed his eyes and began to drift off.

Meredith laid there for what seemed like hours. She couldn't sleep. She'd shift one way, and then the other. She couldn't take it. All she could think about was Marley at home all alone. He had no idea where they were. He was probably worried sick. Meredith finally drew in a deep breath and pulled herself out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"Home." Meredith muttered as she pulled her shoes on.

"Why?" Derek asked as he sat up.

"I want my own bed. You rest." Meredith mumbled as she walked to the door.

"You want your puppy." Derek said, knowing what she was up to.

"Fine. Yes. I want Marley. I can't help it. I worry about him." She said with a sigh.

"Eh..." Derek moaned as he crawled out of the bed.

"Where are you going?" Meredith asked as he waked to the door.

"I've been thinking about him all night" Derek admitted.

"You love your dog." Meredith pointed out.

"I do." Derek admitted.

They made the sleepy drive home as quickly as they could. They had to be back to the hospital in four hours, but it was worth it. Marley never looked so happy as when his people came home. Meredith and Derek quickly pulled off their clothes, swapping them for pajamas. Just as they walked towards the bed, they saw Marley right in the middle. They both shrugged as they walked over and crawled in. Before long, the happy family was fast asleep.


	140. In Her Heart

Derek laid quietly in the bed. Marley was kicking him. His back feet were pedaling, and kicking Derek right in the leg. It seemed, he always got that end. Meredith always got Marley's head and back. Derek, he got the feet. He loved the dog just as much as Meredith did. Marley kept them company. When Meredith was alone, Derek didn't worry about her as much. Derek groaned as he shoved the dog over a little and laid his head back down.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked as she opened her eyes and looked over.

"Trying to sleep." Derek grumbled as he looked over at her.

"What's the matter? Why can't you sleep?" Meredith asked softly.

"This damn dog is taking over my space." He joked as he rubbed Marley's side.

"Aw... Don't say that about my baby!" Meredith told him firmly. "He's just trying to sleep."

"I know he is..." Derek said with a soft smile.

"Well, I don't think any of this has to do with Marley. I think something is going on in that head of yours. Marley never bothered you before." Meredith explained softly. "Here." Meredith muttered as she climbed out of bed.

Meredith stood above the bed and looked down. She quickly wrapped her arms around Marley and pulled him to her side of the bed. Derek furrowed his brow as the dog groaned, wondering why she was moving him from his spot. Meredith went to then of the bed and crawled up between the dog and the man.

"Is that better?" Meredith asked as she pulled herself against him.

"Much." Derek said with a smile.

"So what is going on? Spit it out..." Meredith muttered as she pecked a kiss on his nose.

He didn't want to answer her question. He didn't want to drag her into the mess that he felt that he was in. He couldn't get over the hump that he felt he needed to. He felt their pain, and it all rushed back as he though about what he had been through. No matter what, he couldn't lie to her. She knew him too well.

"It's the patient." Derek groaned as he looked into her eyes. "I talked to her mom. I told her the truth. I told her everything. I told her how I felt..."

"And?" Meredith asked as she looked at him.

"And she wants to talk to you." Derek told her with a sigh. "And I- I don't expect anything. I told her you couldn't really handle it."

"Will it make you feel better?" Meredith asked as she looked at him.

"Meredith... This isn't about me." Derek told her quickly.

"It is about you. It's about you more than you care to admit. With that being said, will it make you feel better. I will talk to her if you want. If you think it will help, I will do it." Meredith explained with a smile.

"Meredith, it doesn't matter. I will not put you in the position to be hurt. And I do not want you upset." Derek whispered as he kissed her head.

"I want to talk to her. I don't know what I can say. But if it will help... I will do it." Meredith said as she closed her eyes and yawned.

"I just feel so bad, Mer. I know what it is like. To wait and hope. And to have someone who doesn't have hope around. I just want it to all be okay. I want them to wake up and it all be a dream. No one deserves it." Derek said as he closed his eyes.

"So tomorrow, when I get a chance, I will talk to her. What's her name?" Meredith asked as she felt herself ready to drift off to sleep.

"Marilyn Graves." Derek said quickly.

"Mmm... Tomorrow talk." Meredith said with a deep sigh.

"How was the heart?" Derek asked as he rubbed her back. "How was Oregon?"

"Mmm... Good." Meredith replied as she drifted off. "Der?"

"Hmm?" Derek asked as he yawned.

"Can we sleep now?" She giggled loudly.

"We can. I love you, Mer." Derek said with a smile as he kissed her head.

"I love you more than you will ever know." Meredith told him as she pushed herself against him and quickly fell asleep.

Derek smiled as he laid there. He felt better talking to her. He didn't want her too go too far. He didn't want her to push herself. But he really wanted to give them hope. He wanted them to understand what was going on. To have insight in how their daughter could possibly feel, that was invaluable. Derek finally laid his head down and closed his eyes. She made him feel better. She always did.

-----------------

Meredith and Derek drove to the hospital together. She loved that time. It was a time when they felt like a real couple. Their life had become so ordinary it was scary. Meredith always wanted it. All her life, she wanted the fluff. And after she thought Derek left her, she gave up. She gave up on the whole happily ever after thing. And now she was living it.

"You look tired, Mer." Derek said as he pulled into a parking spot.

"I'm exhausted." Meredith said with a sigh.

"We only got three hours, maybe less." Derek pointed out. They had went home late, and then stayed up talking.

"Not enough." Meredith grumbled as she climbed out of the car with her double shot espresso on her hand.

"I'm sorry." Derek apologized for keeping her up all night.

"I was the one that insisted we come home last night." Meredith said frankly as they walked into the hospital.

"You worry about him. I do too. He doesn't understand that we can't be there. I don't like to leave him, either." Derek agreed as they stepped on the elevator.

"See... And we wanted kids." Meredith pointed out. "Like we would have the time."

"I think Marley is more high maintenance than a baby right now!" Derek told her with a hearty chuckle.

"I think you are right." Meredith said with a nod as they stepped onto the floor. "Have a good day."

"You too..." Derek said with a smile and he leaned over and kissed her.

Meredith quickly changed into her scrubs. It was a busy day. It was always a busy day. She rarely got a chance to relax or sit down. She realized that she had back to backs all day. The creeping thought of talking to Marilyn was in her head. She wanted to do it for Derek. She wanted to do it to make the woman feel better, and to make Derek feel better.

Meredith spent the day in the OR. No lunch. No drink. Barely enough time to pee. It was killing her. But that was what she lived for. She got in that zone and couldn't get back out. It was already the end of the day when she came back to reality and realized that she never talked to Marilyn.

Meredith stumbled tiredly down the hallway towards the patient's room. She didn't want to do it, but at the same time, she needed to. She slowly walked into the room, seeing who she assumed to be Marilyn, sitting there holding the girl's hand.

"Hi... I'm Meredith Shepherd. Are you Marilyn?" Meredith asked as she walked up and stuck her hand out.

"Oh!" Marilyn said as she jumped up and shook her hand. "Dr. Shepherd's wife."

"Yes." Meredith said with a smile. "Derek said you wanted to speak to me..."

"You have no idea how badly." Marilyn said with a smile. "Would you like to go to the cafeteria?"

"That would be great. I haven't eaten a thing all day." Meredith agreed as they quickly made their way out of the room.

Meredith sat in front of the woman with her cookies. Cookies were excellent to eat when you had a completely empty stomach, but she was hungry and she didn't want to eat a sandwich in front of the woman. Meredith didn't know where to start. She had no idea what to say. So she sat there silently as Marilyn talked about her daughter.

"What was it like?" Marilyn asked frankly as she looked up. "To be...like that."

"In a coma?" Meredith asked as she looked up. Marilyn softly nodded her head. "I was considered brain dead. I had no activity. But for some reason, I did. I was awake. I was awake in my head. Everything was always black. I laid there, and I could hear people talking. It was in so much pain. They had me on morphine. And I still suffered. It was horrible. But then Derek was there. He made me feel better. But he didn't know I was in there. I couldn't talk to him. My jaw was broken. And even if it wasn't, I couldn't communicate. I could not form words. It was... Prison." Meredith said as she began to tear up.

"Oh dear..." Marilyn said with a frown as she stood up and gave Meredith a hug.

"I'm okay. It's just hard." Meredith said as she pulled away.

"Okay, dear." Marilyn said as she walked around the table and sat back down. "I'm sorry..."

"It's okay." Meredith said with a smile. "It is okay. I'm fine. It all ended up okay. It's the end result that mattered."

"I just don't know what to do... You have lived it. I am just so unsure about making this choice... I just don't know what to do. My husband wants to give up." Marilyn explained with a frown. "What would you have wanted, Meredith?"

"If I had to chose between being dead, or laying in that bed, I would pick death. I know it is hard to think about. But it was hell. Even with Derek there, the one sidedness... It kills you. I killed me. To know that he was wasting his life away for me. I could never take that. And i was a miracle. It isn't always like that. She may not even know you are there. There is no way of knowing." Meredith said with a frown.

"You are right." Marilyn said with a smile as she walked up and hugged Meredith. "You have no idea how much you helped me. No idea. You have made everything so clear. She wouldn't want me fighting with her father. She wouldn't want it to come to this. And she wouldn't want to live like that. I wish I- I should have figured this out a long time ago. Thank you, Meredith... I know what I need to do." Marilyn said with a smile.

Meredith sat there and ate her cookies. She didn't feel better, she didn't feel worse. She felt like she accomplished something. She felt like she got somewhere. But she herself felt no better. As she looked up, she saw Derek walking up. A faint smile crossed his face when their eyes met. No matter what, she had him. And he was still there. He never left, because he was always in her heart.


	141. Giving Up For Sanity

Meredith was feeling bad for Derek. There was no way she couldn't. Her heart broke when his broke. She suffered when he suffered. She looked down at the watch on her arm and sighed. It was near time, and she wanted to be there for him. She quickly flipped the chart she was working on shut, and walked towards the room. It was ominous. Maybe it was just a little too familiar.

"Mr. and Mrs. Graves, I will take out the breathing tube..." Derek explained as he looked at the two of them.

Meredith listened as Derek explained to them what was going to happen. She looked at Marilyn and her husband. She wondered if that was how Richard and Ellis felt. She knew Ellis was cold. As much as she hated her mom, she knew that her mom did love her. And Richard had unconditional love for her. Marilyn and her husband stayed apart as Derek began the process.

Derek was professional. He wanted to cry. He was ready to cry. But he wouldn't. This wasn't his battle. He was just there. He was just the doctor. It felt horrible to watch them suffer just as he had. But it wasn't his fight. Derek went through the procedure and stood back.

Meredith felt her stomach churn as she watched. She could hardly look at them. Meredith was in that position. And now to see it, to see Derek hurting. To see what it was like, she could understand why he ran. Being in that position herself, she was sure that she too would have ran. Meredith looked at Derek, he didn't know she was there. But she was. And she would be there, and she would stay there.

"Time of death, Thirteen Twenty One." Derek said softly as looked at his watch.

Meredith watched as they broke. A couple who had been at war over this issue. A couple that had torn themselves apart, was now broken. Marilyn walked over to her husband and he pulled her into an embrace. They collapsed in tears against each other. Meredith felt the tears sting her eyes as she watched Derek walk towards her.

"Hey." Meredith said as they walked around the corner and she laid her head against his chest.

"Hey." Derek said with a faint smile as he took in a deep breath of her hair.

"Are you okay?" She asked him out of genuine concern.

"I'm fine." Derek told her with a sigh as he kissed her head.

"Meredith fine, or Derek fine?" Meredith asked as she look up into his eyes.

"Derek fine." He said with a chuckle. "It was hard. Losing a patient is hard. But It was time. It really was the right decision. And that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break for them. But I just- She was so young, it's not fair. But I am fine."

"Okay..." Meredith agreed with a nod. "I'm sorry you had to lose a patient, Derek. I lost a kid last week. It never gets easier."

"You lost a kid, Mer? Why didn't you tell me?" Derek asked in shock as he pushed the hair out of her eyes.

"I did lose him. But I'm fine. I did everything I could." Meredith said with a sigh.

"You could have told me. I could have made you feel better. I can't believe I didn't even notice." Derek said with a frown as he looked into her green eyes.

"I left it here. I can leave it here and go home. If I didn't, I would never be able to sleep at night." Meredith said with a frown.

"I'm so sorry, baby." Derek told her softly.

"I wish- This is the job. It's our job. We do what we can. That is all we can do." Meredith said with a nod. "And tonight, we will stay at home. I just... A quick dinner, and then bed. Me and you and Marley..."

"That sounds perfect." Derek agreed with a smile.

Meredith went silent as Marilyn and her husband walked out. She had no words to offer. She had no way to comfort them. All she could do was offer a broken smile and a nod. She drew in a deep breath as Derek squeezed her hand.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd. I do appreciate that you did try." Marilyn said as she gave him a soft hug.

"Thank you." Her husband said as he shook his head.

"Meredith, thank you so much... After our talk, I realized what I had to do. I couldn't let her suffer anymore. I couldn't take the pain of her laying in that bed and never getting better. There was just no way of knowing. And now, she is at peace. At least I know she isn't suffering. Thank you so much, dear. Thank you." Marilyn said as she hugged her and looked into her eyes as she released her embrace.

"I'm so sorry for you loss." Meredith told her with a smile.

"Thank you both. You are such strong people. So much stronger than we are." Marilyn said as she grabbed her husband's hand a squeezed.

"They will be okay." Meredith said as she watched them walk away.

"I think they will." Derek agreed with a nod.

------------------

Meredith laid back in the bed with a huge smile on her face. Derek ran up to the bed and literally jumped in, Marley on his tail. Meredith started giggling as Marley planted his big body between the two of them and looked back and forth between them. Derek opened up the bag and pulled out his chicken tenders and curly fries, and then handed her the bag.

"We are going to go to hell." Meredith said with a big grin and she took a long sip of her shake and looked over.

"Most likely." Derek agreed as he dipped his chicken in the barbeque sauce and took a big bite.

"We are eating in bed. And- Hey... Don't feed him that!" Meredith said quickly as Derek handed Marley a fry.

"He likes them." Derek told her with a smile.

"And they will kill him. He is on a strict diet, and people food is not on it." She grumbled loudly.

"Oh... So it is okay that we are filling our arteries with plaque, but it's not okay for him?" Derek asked quickly.

"Exactly. He doesn't know any better. We do. We are willingly killing ourselves. Besides, as bad as it is for us, it's like one-hundred perfect worse for him." Meredith explained with a nod. "He can have his cookies. But not in bed. I do not want to roll around in crumbs." She explained as she rubbed his head.

"You do realize that mom would die if she saw him on our bed." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Most people would. And if you asked me before, I would have agreed. But Marley is different." She said quickly. "Aren't you, Marley-man?" She asked as she scratched his ears.

"Marley is different." Derek agreed as he pulled the breading off of his chicken, and gave him a bite.

"Damn-it, Derek!" She spat as she looked him on the eyes.

"What? It was white meat chicken, Mer!" Derek explained as he smirked at her.

"I don't like it. I need my guy to be around for a long time." Meredith explained seriously.

"I will be." Derek joked, knowing she was talking about Marley.

"I was talking about- You too, Der." Meredith said with a sigh.

"So you will let me eat this shit, but you will take care of him?" Derek asked her with a smile

"Exactly. I knew you would get it eventually." Meredith joked as she leaned over and kissed him softly. "This is perfect." She told him with a sigh as she looked around.

"It is." Derek agreed. "Completely perfect."

"Are you sure you're okay? About today, I mean... I know you can't be okay... But will you make it?" She asked with a frown.

"Meredith Shepherd, you are everything I need. When are you going to get that?" He asked as he gave her a bite of his chicken.

"Eh... I may need you to keep telling me. All of the time." She giggled as she chewed her food.

"Your birthday is coming up." Derek pointed out as he looked at the date on their clock.

"It is." Meredith agreed with a nod.

"So what do you want me to get you?" Derek asked, knowing she wouldn't tell him.

"Nothing. I want nothing! I am not kidding, Derek. I have everything I need. My man, my dog. That is all I need." Meredith told him as she sipped her shake.

"Thanks. Thanks a lot, Mer." Derek grumbled. "So you are leaving it up to me."

"Fine. There is one thing I want." She said with a sigh.

"Okay, what is it? Anything you want, you can have..." Derek pointed out.

"I want a day in bed. To sleep. I just want to sleep my birthday away. You, Marley and I in this warm bed. Sleeping." She told him with a sigh.

"You do realize that is an odd present, Mer..." Derek pointed out.

"It would be the perfect one." Meredith said as she ate her last fry and grabbed for Derek's.

"If you keep eating like that, you will be lucky of you make it until your fortieth birthday." Derek chuckled. Meredith rolled her eyes and grabbed another. You only live once.

---------------

Derek sat back and ate his sandwich. Meredith had been in the operating room all day. He knew that she had to be exhausted. When he was in the operating room, he was so full of focus that when he came out, he nearly crashed. It was the job. The job too everything out of both of them. But it was worth it.

"Hey there." Mark said with a smile as he sat down next to Derek.

"Ah... Hey." Derek moaned with a yawn as he looked up at him. "Where's your better half?" Derek joked.

"Oh, she's on her way... Like she could stay away." Mark told him frankly. "I hear you lost your patient. Are you feeling okay?"

"Eh... I'm fine." Derek told him with a nod. "I actually feel better. I feel better about it all. It was kind of therapeutic, at someone else's expense."

"Oh, hi." Kristy said with a smile as she sat down with her lunch. "Where's Mer?"

"She's still in the operating room." Derek explained as he took another bite of his sandwich.

"Poor girl." Kristy told him as she shook her head.

"Oh, she loved every minute of it. Don't feel sorry for her." Mark said with a nod.

"It's true. Meredith is an OR junkie, just like her mom. But do not tell her I said that. I will be living in your apartment." He laughed as he looked at them both.

"Oh... Not happening." Mark grumbled. "Hey... Kris and I were talking... Mer's birthday is coming up, is it not?"

"It is." Derek agreed with a nod.

"What does she want. We have no idea what to get her." Mark told him with a sigh.

"Yeah... Well, I asked her, and I got nothing. She finally settled on the whole day in bed." Derek said with a nod. "And if that is what she wants, that is what I will get her."

"She is a real pain in the ass." Mark said quickly.

"She is." Derek agreed with a nod.

"Oh stop it... She's just- She is just Meredith." Kristy told them both. "Mark and I would like to take the two of you out to dinner to celebrate. And I know she likes chocolate cake. I was going to make her one. I just started taking classes." Kristy suggested with a smile.

"That would be great." Derek told them. "I thought about a party. But I know at this point, she would not want that. We just aren't in that place right now."

"You guys have had a rough road. I think Mer is just happy for things to be quiet." Kristy told him with a smile. "She's tired."

"And she should be. I'm just glad things have gotten normal." Derek said with a nod. "And it amazes me how much Marley has helped her. That dog is her life." Derek said with a smile.

"You guys are horrible. You treat that thing like your kid." Mark laughed loudly.

"He is their child, Mark. Don't laugh. It's nice that they have him." Kristy said quickly.

"It's not me... It's Mer. She is the one that bends over backwards for him." Derek said quickly.

"Uh huh... And someone is floating along on denial." Kristy said with a laugh.

"Well, I like denial." Derek said frankly. "It's a very calming river to float down." He told her with a smile.

He had his dog. He had his wife. He had a home. He had a life. It was all perfect. He just wanted to make her happy. And that was what he was doing. His dreams of fatherhood were gone, as were hers. They moved on, they moved past. They had to to keep their sanity. Besides, they had the biggest baby in the world. And he slept in their bed every night.


	142. The Best Friends

Meredith looked in the mirror. She had gotten to be quite boring. She and Derek were more than happy to just stay home. They had had more than a lifetime of craziness and disappointments, now they were ready to just be. Meredith tugged at her dress. She wasn't found of wearing them. She wasn't fond of getting dressed up to go out to dinner.

"You look beautiful, Mer." Derek told her as he walked up from behind and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her neck.

"I just want to stay home." Meredith muttered as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"Oh, Mer... We need to get out." Derek told her with a nod. "I love being home as much as you do. But we need to get out and start living a little. We need to have a good time."

"I know... It's just so easy to come home and relax." Meredith said with a faint smile.

"Well, Mark and Kristy are really excited about this." Derek told her with a nod as he straightened his tie.

"Why?" Meredith asked with a giggle.

"Hell if I know... But you know Kristy. It doesn't take much to make her happy. Last week I think she was jumping up and down because the sun was shining." Derek laughed as he looked into her eyes.

"You have a point." Meredith giggled as she walked over to her closet and pulled out her black heels. "I have never seen anyone who is so happy in my life." Meredith groaned. "If she wasn't my friend, I think it would drive me nuts. How were you married to her?"

"It was not easy." Derek said with a chuckle. "Not even close."

"I guess you like the dark and depressing variety." Meredith pointed out as she began walking out of their room.

"No, I like my matching glove, my puzzle piece. The yin to my yang. My Meredith." Derek said as he looked over and kissed her softly.

"You are too much." She laughed as she shook her head and walked away. "Marley, mama and daddy will be back in awhile. And we will bring uncle Mark and aunt Kristy!" She told him happily.

"Everyone is right... We so have problems. This is not normal." Derek said with he patted Marley and grabbed the car keys.

Meredith and Derek were quiet in the car to Moxie. Meredith was secretly looking forward to her present from Derek. She had no idea what it was going to be, but she was sure it would be good. She always said she hated her birthday. And to some extent, she did. She didn't come to hate it until Derek was gone. And then she just quit remembering she had one.

Mark and Kristy sat at the table. Kristy was jittery. She was nervous. Mark kept giving her looks, and she would smile faintly and nod her head. Kristy drew in a deep breath. She wanted this to be a good birthday for Meredith. She deserved it. She deserved one day where everyone took time to appreciate her.

"Kristy..." Mark muttered as he sat at the table and looked over at her.

"Are you sure the cake was okay? It's kind of... Are you sure?" She asked as she thought about it.

"It was perfect. I have never seen a better one in my life." Mark said with a chuckle. "Just a little lopsided."

"You are so full of crap, Marcus." Kristy said with a frown. "You're an ass..."

"Don't call me Marcus!" Mark warned as he looked over at her. "You know I hate that name."

"Then don't make fun of my cake." Kristy warned loudly.

"Fine." Mark finally muttered as he took a sip of the water on the table.

"Fine." She agreed as she looked over at him and rolled her eyes.

Meredith and Derek walked into the restaurant. Derek placed his hand on the small of her back, admiring how great she looked in her little black La Femme dress. Her strappy heels, raised her height slightly and made her look perfect beside him. Derek spotted Mark and Kristy at their table and he slowly led her over.

It was a big night. Kristy had planned it all out. She wanted to make Meredith happy. She knew it had been so long since she had a good birthday. In fact, Meredith hadn't even told her it was her birthday the year before. Kristy looked up nervously as she neared. It had to be perfect.

"Hey." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up.

"Happy birthday!" Kristy said with a smile as they stood an hugged her.

"Thank you." Meredith muttered as she kissed Mark on the cheek.

"Happy birthday, baby." Mark said in her ear. "We're glad you are here."

"I'm glad I'm here." Meredith told them with a big nod. "This was completely unnecessary, guys." Meredith told them as she sat down in the chair Derek pulled out for her.

"So, Mer... How old?" Mark asked with a smirk.

"Let's not talk about it." Meredith told him frankly. "I hold your secret..." She muttered under her breath.

"So, uh, twenty-five, right?" Mark asked with a smirk as he looked it.

"Yep." Meredith said with an exuberant nod.

"We'll have the 2001 Vina Amezola Crianza Rioja for the table, and artisan cheese plate, and the westcott bay european flat oysters to start." Mark said with a nod and a smile as he looked up at the waiter.

"Right away, Sir." The waiter said with a smile as he nodded and walked away.

"So how was your day?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Kristy and smiled.

"Busy. Incredibly busy." Kristy pointed out with a frown. "Not that I don't love it."

"We all do. Even when we complain, we love it." Meredith said with a nod as she looked around the table.

"Mmm... This all looks good." Kristy said as she looked at the menu.

"It does." Mark agreed with a grin.

"What are you thinking, Mer?" Derek asked as he looked up at her.

"Hmm... I have no idea. Maybe the tenderloin. I want red meat." Meredith said with a nod.

"You and red meat." Derek said as he shook his head. "I am thinking ahi tuna." Derek said with a nod. "But I would rather have trout."

"Then go fish." Kristy said with a smirk.

"If I had a river, I would." Derek told her quickly. "Actually, Mer... I was thinking we need to take a trip to the cabin sometime soon."

"That sounds great." Meredith agreed. Derek and Meredith both prayed that Mark and Kristy did not suggest going with them.

"I am thinking chickpea pancake." Kristy told them all.

"Oh Kris, that sounds disgusting." Mark said frankly. "And I guarantee you won't like it."

"Eh, fine. I guess I will go with the duck." Kristy said quickly.

"Oh!" Meredith gasped as she looked up. "You can't eat a duck! It;s a little duck. A little chick thing. You can't eat that. It has a beak!"

"So does a chicken, Mer!" Derek laughed as he looked at her.

"It's different..." Meredith pouted.

"Fine. I will get the sunchoke and lemon clafoutis." Kristy said quickly. "Anyone have a problem with that?"

"Kris, get whatever you want!" Meredith told her with a big nod. "Seriously... Just get what you want."

"I live to make people happy." She said with a smile. "And the clafoutis is fine."

Meredith, Derek, Mark and Kristy all ate their artisan cheese plate and oysters. Meredith was happy. Derek was right, she did need to get out of the house. It felt great to be out amongst their friends. It was great to see how much her friends cared about her.

The waiter came, and Derek ordered the grilled ahi tuna with butternut squash puree, poached shiitakes, bitter greens salad. Meredith of course ordered the painted hills beef tenderloin oregon natural beef, potato gratin, truffled beet demi-glace. Mark got the seared maine scallops with goat cheese-leek fondue, three potato hash. And Kristy ordered the sunchoke and lemon clafoutis with shaved fennel, mornay sauce, grilled scallions.

They all ate their meals over light conversation. Meredith was happy with her red meat. Derek's wheels were spinning. The first pregnancy was oreos. The second was read meat. And now he was wondering. But this time, instead of being excited, he was worried. Meredith shot him a look, knowing what he was thinking. He sighed as she nodded her head no. She would know. And she did.

Meredith's eyes got wide as she looked up. The waiter was carrying out a cake that was ablaze with candles. She smiled as the walked up and sat it down at the table. S he was so thankful when they didn't sing happy birthday. They all smiled, telling her to make a wish. And she did. She wished for one thing. A thing she was sure she would never have. All the candles went out as she blew with excitement. Did that mean it would come true? It was supposed to.

[img did you wish for?" They all asked as they looked at her.

"If I tell, it won't come true." Meredith giggled as she looked around the table.

"It is something good?" Kristy asked happily.

"Would I wish for something bad?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked up.

"Well... I guess not." Kristy muttered as she looked up.

"This cake is amazing." Meredith said as she looked down at it.

"I made it." Kristy said with a smile.

"You did not!" Meredith said in shock.

"I did. I have been going to classes for it." She told her happily. "Do you like it?"

"I love it. It is perfect, Kristy. It really is." Meredith told her happily.

Kristy began cutting the chocolate cake into perfect sized pieces and placing them on the plates the restaurant provided. They didn't usually allow outside food, but they made an exception after Kristy insisted that she had to do this for her friend. Meredith let out a moan as she tasted it.

"Oh my god... This is better than sex." Meredith groaned. "You have to make me one of these a week so I can go on!"

"It is fantastic, Kris. But definitely not better than sex." Derek pointed out.

"I agree." Mark said with a nod and a smile.

"Here." Kristy said as she handed Meredith a beautiful envelope. "That is your small gift."

Meredith grabbed the envelope and pull it open, tearing the silver seal. She smiled when it revealed a gift card for Spa Blix. She loved going there, but she never thought to go on her own. It was lavish, and it was something she never thought to do for herself. Meredith said a soft thank you to both of them as she looked across the table. Kristy handed her another envelope. Meredith grabbed it and looked down at her name, which was handwritten in perfect scroll.

"This is... It's important." Kristy said with a nod as she looked over at Mark, who nodded in agreement.

"Okay." Meredith said as she gently tore it open.

Meredith got a puzzled look on her face as she pulled open the envelope and revealed a card. She pulled the card out and look at it over and over again. An abdomen. A stomach. A belly. She furrowed her brows as she opened it. Tears immediately came to her eyes when she read the inside.

_[iMer-_

_You have been the best friend anyone could hope to want. I thought about what I would do to make this day perfect for you. I knew there was only one thing I could offer. It is something I have been thinking long and hard about for awhile. You and Derek would make wonderful parents. You deserve it. Let me be your surrogate. Let me help you on your journey to happiness..._

_Love, Kris[/i_

Derek looked up at Meredith as she sobbed. He quickly grabbed the card and read it ins hick. He wasn't even sure if he could absorb what it meant. He pulled Meredith close as she looked up at them all in awe. She had no idea what to say. It was too much. She couldn't offer something so great.

"Before you speak... I want this. You two deserve it, and I want to give it to you. My body is here for you. Please, think about it. I am will to go through all the medical and legal hoops I need to. Please Mer, think about it." Kristy said with a nod.

"Kris... It's too much. You didn't want kids. You can't ruin your body for me." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Honey, I don't want kids. But I would love a niece or nephew. And my body... It's just a body. I have been laying awake thinking about this. I have the ability. I took it for granted. This is my gift to you. It feels right. It feels like it's what I was put on this earth to do. Please, Mer... Don't say yes. Don't say no. Just walk out of here and think about it. But know, That is is something I really want to do. Please let me." She said with a smile.

Derek shook his head in disbelief. Meredith cried tears of joy and shock. She had no idea what to think. Kristy was right, she did need to think about it. As Meredith looked at them all, she realized that she really did have the best friends in the world. It didn't get much better than what she had. She was sure of it.

**I know some of you are not fond of this... I don't want to hear it. Have some faith. It is never as it seems...**


	143. Question and Answer

Meredith was in total and utter shock. She was sitting in the car alongside Derek. He made the subtle effort and grasped her hand. It was just that. That little gesture made all the different in the would. Derek didn't speak. He knew that she had to work this out in her head. It had more of an impact on her than himself. Not to mention, he would be biased. He wanted a child. And he didn't want to push that guilt on her. Even if it was on a completely subconscious level.

Meredith attempted to sort it all out in her head. It was nearly impossible. Kristy wanted to carry their child. She couldn't think of a more generous gift. But in her heart, she was thinking it was a gift she could not accept. It was something that Kristy was offering that changed things. It changed everything. And Meredith had no idea what to say.

Derek occasionally glanced over at Meredith and they drove down the road. She looked chilled in her dress. He flipped on the heat in the car, receiving a smile from her. She hadn't taken a jacket, it was warm when they had left their house. And now she was shivering. The shivering was most likely from the tension and nervousness that was rushing through her veins. She was scared.

Derek couldn't believe that Kristy offered such a gift. She always had been a caring person. That was part of the reason why he married. It was mostly the pressure from the family telling him that he must move on. But he had no idea how. He was like a lost child, being pushed through a crowd by a crowd of unknowing strangers. He let himself be pushed into her caring arms, and he hadn't been ready to accept her ample love. It was truly a loveless marriage that she was more than aware of. And how funny it was that life had flipped, and now she wanted to carry the child of her ex-husband and the loved of his life.

Derek wanted it. He trusted Kristy. He knew that she was true. She would never lie and try anything suspicious. Kristy had a kind heart that came from a good life. She grew up in a normal home with a family that loved her. She knew nothing of being hurt to the depths of your soul. She had no idea how to comprehend the imbroglio that Meredith had experienced. And Derek had the ideal life, except for the loss of his father. And of course the tragedy that was Meredith Grey.

Derek thought about the consequences of allowing Kristy to give them this benefaction. She may not realize what she had gotten into. She may not realize what comes along with carrying a child. She may not be thinking about the fatigue, the morning sickness, the swelling. She may not realize what it was to push another person's child out of her vagina, only to gain nothing. Not to mention the mental aspects.

Derek pulled into the garage. It was clean. It wasn't the typical garage with floor stains and clutter. It was the garage of two anal retentive surgeons. Everything was in perfect order. It was all clean and it it's place, showing no signs of a hobby or a pastime. Just clean and perfect. Derek put the car in park, hit the garage door button, and looked over at her. Meredith looked back at him and gave him a conflicted smile as she put her hand on the door handle.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked, no better words coming to mind.

"I want a bath. With you." She told him with a nod as she opened the door and placed her feet on the floor.

Derek listened as her shoes clicked on the cement floor, and then on the hardwood. He pulled his keys out and followed behind her, tossing his keys on the Carino three-drawer chest table by the door. As they hit hard, he knew had she been there, it would have gone through her like a knife. Even with it's distressing, it could easily scratch. Derek shrugged as he picked the keys back up and placed them instead on the kitchen counter.

Meredith walked into their bathroom and began filling the ample bathtub with hot flowing water. She needed to soak. She needed to wash all her worries down that drain. Meredith walked back into their room and began peeling off her black dress. It should be a happy time, but it was more of a confusing time. She had no idea what she was supposed to do. Either way, all the way around, someone could be hurt.

Derek walked in and looked at Meredith. She was standing on their plush carpeting, pulling off the bits of fabric, considered her panties and bra. They were comfortable with each other. They could stand there and all their glory, and not feel one ounce of self consciousness. Derek pulled off his jacket and began undoing his fire brick, orange and midnight navy striped Verscae tie with gold gothic striping going diagonally through. Derek unbuttoned his sleeves in silence and slipped off his shirt as she disappeared.

Derek walked into the steamy bathroom. It was welcoming. Meredith was laying there, in the complete dark, with her head against the back of the cold bathtub. Derek flipped on the lights, and walked beside to bathtub, kissing her head. Meredith smiled faintly as she looked up at him. Derek pushed the faint curl out of her forehead and walked to the tub, sticking his toe in the water.

Meredith felt the water rise as he climbed in. It was perfect as it rose above her shoulder, wanting to pour over the side of the bathtub. Derek looked across the tub at her. She smiled as she laid there, letting the hot water lick the back of her neck. She laid her head back and closed her eyes. Derek did the same. They would talk. They would talk eventually. But right now, they needed to absorb. And where better to do it?

"Derek... I don't know what to do." Meredith whispered softly.

"I know, baby. I know." Derek responded.

"What do you think?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"Oh... I think this is- I don't know what it is. A shock. It's definitely a shock." Derek pointed out.

"Yeah." Meredith told him with a nod.

"Come here." Derek told her softly as he grabbed her petite hand.

Meredith gently slid across the water and turned as Derek wrapped his open arms around her. She felt so good against his chest. Their naked bodies meshed in perfection. His strong chest pressed against her soft back. Her ass rested on his flaccid penis. Her legs laid over his. Meredith laid her head back and looked up at him.

"It's too much. I don't want her to regret it." Meredith told him quickly.

"It's a big gift. I don't even know how to go about this. Not at all." Derek agreed.

"I want to know what I am supposed to do. I just- I can't even wrap my head around it." She said with a sigh as she closed her eyes. "If we say yes, does she know? Does she have any idea how painful it is to give birth. And our child will grow in her abdomen. She will be the one taking care of it. She will be it's life support. She will be doing what I should have been. How will she not get attached? How will she push it out and let go? I wanted to do all of that. I wanted that maternal connection. I wanted to feel the first kick. I wanted to be the one. And I can't... So what do I do?" Meredith questioned loudly.

"Mer, this is you. This is your decision. I don't want to push you one way or the other. I just want you to be happy. I want to make sure whatever we do, that we will be happy. I can't believe that she offered that. But that is her. That's her way. If we don't do it, I know she will be upset. But if we do, I don't want you to regret it. She works in pediatrics, she has been on the OB floor. She knows what happens. She knows the hell that it can be. She's selfless. And as to her getting attached. She would. She would form a bond. But she would be able to let the child go to you. It's up to you, Mer. Completely up to you." Derek told her as he kissed her temple.

"What do you want, Derek? Whatever it is, I will give it to you." Meredith said frankly.

"Meredith, you know what I want. But this is not about me." Derek told her as he ran his hands across her abdomen.

"You want kids." Meredith said with a sigh. "I'm just not sure if I am ready for the heartache. If it doesn't work out, it will be devastating. I'm not ready for that. I have gotten used to what we have. Marley, you and I. I am used to that. I have finally let it go and accepted our fate. An now it wants to change. I'm not sure how I am supposed to handle that." Meredith told him frankly.

"We will sleep on it." Derek told her with a smile.

"That sounds good." She admitted as she grabbed his hands and placed them on her breasts.

A smile crossed Derek's face as he took her nipples between his index finger and his thumb. Meredith let out a gasp as he squeezed them, and it shot straight to her core. Meredith lifted herself gently and rubbed against his cock. Derek felt himself leap for her as she stimulated him. He needfully began sucking and nipping her neck as he grouped her chest and ran his leg over hers.

"Oh god..." She moaned as she ran his hands up and down his thigh. "We should-"

"We shouldn't start something we can't finish." Derek agreed as he watched her lift herself out of the bathtub. Derek ripped the drain open quickly as he followed her.

Derek quickly grabbed a towel and began gently drying her body. She moaned at his touch over her skin. Meredith turned around and watched as he dried himself off as best as he could, his anticipation getting the best of him. She smiled seductively as she led him to their bed and she laid back on the silk ivory silk duvet, her semi-dried hair cascading around her face.

Derek looked around. Marley was no where in sight. He had gotten pretty good about staying out unless he was called. They had two Orvis deep dish premium dog beds for him to choose from. One was downstairs, and the other was upstairs. He was certain he was in one of the two. Nonetheless, Derek quickly walked over and shut the door.

When Derek walked back, Meredith was peeling a condom out of it's wrapper. Derek stood before her as she meticulously rolled it on over his hard and ready cock. His nine and a half inches stood strong, his girth pressing against the condom. She laid back with a grin as he crawled over her body and began kissing her softly.

"Mmm... Derek, make love to me. Please..." She moaned as she bent her knees and spread her legs gently.

"I would want nothing more than to make love to you, Mer." Derek told her with a soft smile, never taking his blue eyes off of hers.

Derek ran his fingers gently along her slit, feeling that she was more than ready for him. He slowly slid his cock up and down, spreading her cum up and down. Meredith arched her back as he gently rubbed against her clit. Derek grasped himself as he slowly slid into her hot core. Meredith slowly closed her eyes, feeling him seated deeply in her. She pulled herself apart a little more, allowing for deeper penetration.

"Oh..." Meredith moaned as Derek pulled his cock out and slid it back in, stimulating both of them.

"Mer.. You feel so perfect." He told her as he covered her mouth with his.

Meredith opened her eyes and looked into his as his tongue slid into her warm mouth. The feeling of his large cock sliding and and out, coupled with his tongue was enough to send her over the edge. Meredith felt him rub against her tongue with need as he sucked her gently. Meredith grasped her shoulders with his hands and squeezed.

Meredith could feel her body quickly responding to his. Her walls began to contract and tighten around him as he struggled to pull himself in and out. They were a perfect mold. The perfect fit. Never had she had a man go so deep, and fit just right. Derek was gently with her. She needed gentle tonight. She needed him, all of him.

Derek could feel her getting closer. He was needing her. He gently pulled out and eased up, milking her pending orgasm as best as he could. It was torture to him too, as he just wanted to pour himself as cum hard. Her hard nipples pressed against the flesh of his chest as he slid across her. Meredith began panting around his tongue as he licked and tasted her. She let out a moan and Derek began to quicken his pace and lengthen his stride. The beads of sweat could be felt between them as their bodies slip and slid around.

"Mmm... Cum for me, Mer. I know you're ready." Derek stated as he felt her grasp his ass and squeeze tightly.

Meredith looked up into his eyes. She could get lost in them forever. There we no secret between them in that gaze. Derek knew her eyes too well, for years they haunted him in his sleep. Her green orbs had pulled him in, and never released. They couldn't pull apart. The connection was amazing. It was like a magnet pulling them together. As she looked into his eyes, the answers came so easily. As she looked into his eyes, she knew what she wanted.

"Oh... Oh... I am, Derek! I'm cumming! I'm cumming now- Oh god... Oh god..." She spat as he panted heavily and felt herself crash down into pleasure. Derek smirked as he trust harder, feeling himself cum.

"Oh god, Mer... Oh fuck, babe... You are... Oh..." He grunted as he thrust into her one last time.

Meredith felt Derek collapsed on her. The sweat between them mixed and connected them as he laid on her chest. Meredith panted heavily, the orgasm's waves still being felt, her body and every nerve popping around inside her. Meredith looked up and kiss him softy, running her fingers through his damp hair.

"I want to do it. It will be our baby. Even if I don't carry it. It will be ours. I want to do it." Meredith repeated as she looked at him. "If you do..."

"Meredith, there is nothing I would want more that to make a child with you. Something we share, something we created. Of course I want it." Derek said with a smile as he looked at her.

"Good. Because this couldn't be anymore perfect..." She said as he pulled out and laid beside her.

Meredith and Derek laid on their sides. Meredith pressed every inch of her flesh against his as she snuggled against him. This was what she wanted. As they were connected, she couldn't believe that she ever questioned it. It wasn't the way they got it that was important. Once again, it was the end result.

**Mer is in a better place mentally than she has been in a long time. She wants to give Derek a child and the family he has always wanted. No matter what she has to do...**

**Review!**


	144. Looking Up

Meredith laid on her bed, completely sprawled out on her stomach. Derek laid next to her on his side and smiled. He loved to watch her. She looked completely content as she snored loudly, not even realizing that it was already eleven in the morning. He wanted to get up, but he couldn't pull himself away from her. He couldn't stop looking at her.

Derek was feeling pretty satisfied by their decision. He knew that Meredith hadn't wanted to have a surrogate. But Kristy was someone that they both trusted with their lives. One would think that Derek would be apprehensive, Kristy being his ex-wife, but it wasn't. It was the means to get what they wanted. Derek wanted nothing more than to hold their child in his arms, no matter who held it in their stomach.

Meredith moaned softly as she laid there. She was at the in between state of sleep. She was half awake, and half asleep. A faint smile crossed her face. All she could think about was a baby. She didn't trust herself. She knew that if she tried again, she would kill it. But being that is was Kristy, she had a good feeling. And looking into Derek's eyes the night before, she knew she needed to give that to him.

Derek crawled out of the bed. If he didn't go to the bathroom soon, his bladder was going to burst. Besides, he had plans. He had already set some things up, and he wanted to give her exactly what she wanted. Derek walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. He was feeling good, he looked into his own eyes. He had restored hope. Not that he had really ever lost it.

Derek rushed downstairs and began grabbing things out of the cupboards. He made a fresh pot of coffee and then went to work on her breakfast. He knew how much she loved waffles. He grabbed out the waffle maker and placed it on the counter top. He was hoping she wouldn't get up and come down, although he was sure that she would not.

Derek knew just how she liked it. He grabbed out a pint of strawberries and washed them off. He grabbed the food processor and poured several berries inside, pureeing them. He mixed a little bit of sugar in and a few quarter sized berries in with the puree. Derek placed the waffle on the plate and dusted it with powdered sugar. He poured the puree over the waffle and then poured Top Hat Bittersweet chocolate sauce over it. He placed a huge dollop of whipped cream on the top and smiled.

Derek poured Meredith a cup of coffee with milk, and added Torani Creme de Cacao syrup and whipped cream. Meredith had a thing for whipped cream. She loved the stuff. He sat them on a tray with a cloth napkin and a glass of juice. He slowly made his way up the stairs and walked in.

"Mer..." He whispered softly as he looked over at her.

"Sleeping. The whole day." She said frankly as she pulled the covers over her head.

"Even sleepyheads need to eat breakfast." Derek told her happily as he walked in. "I made your favorite."

"I won't even acknowledge you unless you have a waffle in your hands." Meredith grumbled loudly.

"Well, then you better acknowledge me." Derek told her as he approached. "Come on, sit up. You can eat, and we'll go right back to bed."

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as she uncovered her head and looked up. "Oh wow!" She said happily as she pulled herself into a sitting position and accepted the tray of food. "You really are the perfect man."

"Eh... It's been said." He laughed as he watched her greedily dig into her food.

"Oh my god... This is- Wow. Here, you have to try it." She said as she placed a bite in his mouth.

"I guess I didn't do too bad." Derek agreed as he licked the chocolate syrup off of his lip.

"You did wonderfully." She said with a big nod as she took a sip of her coffee. "Mmm... This too!"

"So happy birthday." Derek said with a smile as he leaned over and kissed her softly.

"Thank you." She replied with a grin as she took another bite.

"So... Are you still ready? For the surrogacy thing?" Derek asked softly.

"I can't give you what you want. I know that I will never be able to have a child. And as much as I wanted to, I've accepted that I cannot. So I want to do this. I will never be able to experience the baby kicking inside of me, or the miracle of birth. But I will get to love it and raise it. And that is really all that matters. It will be a piece of us. And I trust Kristy to take care of our child." Meredith said softly as she looked up at him.

"I love you, baby." Derek told her softly as he looked into her eyes.

"Not even close to as much as I love you." Meredith told him frankly. "And this waffle is almost better than sex."

"Almost. That is the big word." Derek said with a chuckle. "Almost."

"Yes." Meredith agreed with a smile. "And this coffee... Pretty smart, Derek." Meredith said with a smile. "Trying to wake me up?" She asked as she fed him a bite.

"Possibly." Derek said with a smirk. "Only so I can take advantage of you."

"Well you know I don't have to be fully awake for you to take advantage of me." Meredith said as she fed him another bite.

"True. But it is so much more fun." Derek told her as he accepted his bite.

"You sure are eating a lot of crap lately." Meredith said with a giggle.

"What can I say? You are a bad influence on me." Derek laughed as he tasted the chocolate syrup.

"I try to be." Meredith giggled as she took the last bite and handed him the tray. "Go now, with this tray. Maybe when you return, I will be ready to give you pleasure."

"And I will be ready to accept whatever pleasure you bestow upon me." He told her with a smirk as he rushed off.

Derek threw the dishes in the sink and placed the tray on the counter. He could already feel his cock jumping at the notion that she would give it what it wanted. He swiftly walked across the kitchen and towards the stairs, just as he hit the bottom step, something caught his eye in the driveway. He looked out the window and gave a satisfied smile before going upstairs.

Derek walked into their room with Marley on his tail. He gave Marley the look, and the dog dropped his head and stopped at the door. Just as Derek turned to face her, he let out a smiled as he looked at her with raised brows. There she was, blankets thrown off, with her legs spread for him.

"Couldn't wait..." She moaned as she rubbed her clit gently between her two fingers. "Oh... OH!" She yelped loudly as she thrashed around and her body jerked with her release.

"That was so unfair." Derek pointed out as he crawled from the end of the bed to between her legs. "And now I must reap the spoils."

Meredith smiled sweetly as she felt the prickle of his facial hair on her soft lips. It was more than obvious that he hadn't shaven this morning. She grasped the hair on his head as he licked and slurped the fluid that she had released in his absence.

"Mmm... You taste good." Derek said with a smile as he ran his tongue along her wet slit, one last time.

"And I want you. It's my birthday. So get up, get naked. And get a condom on." Meredith said with a big nod as she fondled her breasts with her fingers.

Derek stood beside the bed and stripped his clothes off, tossing them aside. He grabbed a condom, and stood before her, rolling it on his hard cock. Meredith let out a loud giggle as she watched it jump for her.

"Mmm... Derek, give me love..." She moaned as she grabbed his arm and pulled him down on the bed. She spread her legs gently, exposing her pink skin for him.

"You are perfect..." Derek told her with a soft smile, never taking his blue eyes off of her light green ones. Meredith grasped the back of his neck and pulled him close.

Derek slowly slid his cock up and down, spreading her juices up and down her slit. Meredith arched her back as he gently rubbed the head of his cock against her clit. Derek quickly slid into her hot core, feeling her walls part for him. She pulled her legs apart a little more, allowing him to slide in deeper.

"Oh my..." Meredith moaned as Derek pulled his cock out and slid it back in, stimulating both of them. She tried to relax, letting him slide into and bump her cervix.

"Mer.. You feel so fucking good. Tight as hell..." He told her as he covered her mouth with his.

Meredith could feel her body quickly responding to his. Her walls began to contract and tighten around him as he struggled to pull himself in and out. She could feel the heat burning inside as the head his cock bounced off of her. She placed her hands on his balls and massaged gently, hoping he would cum when she was ready. She was hoping for complete harmony.

Derek could feel her getting closer. Meredith released his balls and grasped the base of his cock and squeezed. Derek let out a loud groan as he pumped harder and faster from the stimulation. Meredith began panting around his tongue as he licked her, still tasting chocolate. She let out a moan and Derek began to quicken his pace even more, pulling more out and sliding in harder. She released his cock and took a firm grasp on his ass, willing him to go deeper.

"Cum for me, Mer... Give it to me, baby. I know you're more than ready." Derek stated as he felt her grasp tighten, her nails digging in. "Give it up..."

"Oh... Oh, Derek! Oh...Der...Oh god... I'm cumming! I'm cumming now- Oh god... Oh god..." She spat as he panted heavily as she felt herself on the brink. She felt free fall into ecstasy.

"Oh god, Mer... Oh fuck, babe... Fuck... I'm fucking... You are... Oh..." He grunted as he thrust into her one last time and released his seeds into the condom. "Fuck yeah..."

Meredith laid back and closed her eyes as she breathed in and out. Derek could hear her heart beating loudly against his ear. He looked up at the satisfied smile making it way on her lips. A smile of his own crept over his face as he kissed her chest.

-----------------

Derek kept his promise. They stayed in bed all day. He knew that her gift was sitting in the driveway, and he wanted to give it to her. And he would when she was ready to accept it. At the moment, she was underneath a pile of covers with Derek, and Marley at their feet. She finally drew in a breath and looked over.

"I'm ready to get up." She said as she looked over at him.

"Are you?" Derek asked with a chuckle.

"I am. It's almost bed time again." She laughed as she looked at the clock. "I want to do something. I think we should go talk to Mark and Kristy. Tell them what we want to do."

"Yeah?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Yep." Meredith told him happily. "I'm ready to have a baby. With you." She told him as she kissed him on the cheek. "Now I need to take a shower... Without you!"

Meredith quickly jumped out of the bed and ran to the shower before Derek could catch her. She giggled as the door shut and she heard him lean his head against it. She reluctantly opened the door and rolled her eyes. He smirked as he walked in and looked up at Meredith.

"No sex." She warned him as she flipped the water on. "And I am not kidding."

Meredith closed her eyes as Derek soaped up a bath puff and ran it down her back. She leaned against him as he ran it over her chest and abdomen, softly kissing her neck. She let out faint moans as their flesh rubbed against each other's.

Meredith and Derek rinsed off and Meredith quickly got dressed as Derek shaved and worked on his hair. She had to laugh, he definitely spent more time on his hair than her own. She ran a brush through her hair and left it to dry. Just as she walked over to get a belt, she looked out the window.

"Derek... Someone is here." She yelled as she looked out the window.

"Yeah?" Derek asked with a smirk as he walked out. "Who?"

"Someone in a Gray Volvo." She said as she looked down.

"Oh... That wouldn't be an oyster gray metallic paint, with aluminum alloy wheels, would it?" Derek asked as he looked over.

"What? Yeah. I mean it looks like it." Meredith said as she looked down.

"Oh... It probably has a Power Glass Moonroof, Leather Seats, Power Passenger's Seat, Real Wood Interior Decor Inlays, Homelink Garage Door Opener, Compass in Rear View Mirror, Volvo Navigation System with DVD Map Data and Remote Control, Volvo Dual Screen Rear Seat Entertainment, Personal Car Communicator, Blind Spot Information System and Active Bi-Xenon Headlights." Derek said as he looked down. "It may also have a Park Assist Camera, Bluetooth capabilities, iPod Interface, Illuminated Instep Plates..."

"You mean?" Meredith asked with bright eyes as she looked up at him.

"the most important part... It had the highest safety rating. Happy birthday, baby." He said as he kissed her softly.

"Oh Derek! Too much... Thank you." She told him as she kissed him softly.

"I want you in the safest car. And now... Our baby." He said as he tipped his head.

"Yeah." She agreed as she kissed him softly. "Our baby."

Meredith drove her new car to Mark and Kristy's. She loved it. She loved every thing about it. But what she loved most was that Derek was the one that got it for her. As she parked in a parking spot, she looked over at Derek, who nodded. This was big. This was huge. Derek held her hand as they stood outside the door and waited.

"Hi!" Kristy said happily as she opened the door.

"Hey Kris..." Meredith said with a smile.

"Come in!" Kristy said as she opened the door and led them into the apartment. "So... How are you? Happy birthday, by the way!" She said as she hugged her.

"We want to do it." Meredith blurted out.

"What?" kristy asked in shock.

"There is no one I would rather have to carry my child. And if you are sure you want to... If Mark is okay with it. If you are absolutely sure... That is what I want. I want a baby." Meredith said with a smile as she looked at her. Kristy looked up at her as the tears began to pour out. Mark and Derek just smiled. Things really were looking up.

**Things aren't always as they seem. ;)**


	145. Big News

Meredith couldn't get over it. She was one of the most fortunate people in the world. She had the most amazing friend anyone could want. Kristy was one of those rare people in the world that put others before herself. Meredith held her close to her heart. Meredith would go to bat for Kristy in a second. And Kristy of course felt the same way.

Meredith was shocked at how much work it had entailed. The legal work was done. Kristy had been more than happy to sign the iron-clad contract that Meredith and Derek had written up. There was no way she could get out of it, or change the outcome, no matter how hard she tried. They trusted her, but it was good to know that they did have their legal bases covered.

Meredith and Derek were done with their end of the deal. Meredith had had her eggs collected, Derek his sperm, and they now had viable frozen embryos. Meredith couldn't believe how easy it was. Derek was there with her every step of the way. It was bittersweet. To know that she wouldn't be carrying her child was heartbreaking. But knowing they would have a child, drowned out everything else.

Meredith and Kristy walked up the steps to the clinic. Dr. Janson was the best of the best. Addison called in a special favor, and had him come in just for their case. Meredith had never been so grateful. It looked like everything was perfect. They had a healthy surrogate that didn't drink or smoke. Kristy was in excellent health. Their embryos were healthy. And they had a top notch fertility specialist on their case. It was perfect.

"I think you are more nervous than I am." Kristy said with a smile as she grabbed Meredith's hand.

"I am terrified." Meredith admitted with a sigh as she looked over.

"It will be fine, Mer." Kristy said with a grin as she picked up a magazine.

"How can you sit there? You are so calm. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack." Meredith said quickly as she tried to breathe in a out.

"Oh honey... This is good. This is going to be great." She muttered as she read.

"Thank you, Kristy. Thank you so much." Meredith told her with a smile.

"Meredith... You don't have to thank me. I want to do this. I want to do this more than anything." Kristy said with a smile.

"Ms. Samson..." A nurse called her name as she opened the door.

"I will be okay, Meredith. Everything will be fine." Kristy said softly as she stood up and disappeared.

It was sad, but Meredith had more confidence in Kristy than in herself. She knew that Kristy was healthy. She passed every test with flying colors. And Meredith was doing better, but all parties agreed that she should stay the way she is. The balloon had been removed, and everything seemed okay for the time being. Addison still had her on the hormones, and no birth control. Physically, Meredith was feeling great. Mentally, she was in a better place than she ever had been.

Acceptance is something that can be hard. To accept that you won't be able to do something you always thought you could... It shatters your world. Meredith's world had been shattered into pieces. She had wanted to give up. If she couldn't give Derek what he needed, she didn't see a reason to even exist. But things looked up. Therapy changed everything. And from the shattered pieces, she made a beautiful mosaic.

Meredith picked up a magazine and tried to read. She could not focus on anything. Her mind was a wreck. All she could think about was the sacrifice that Kristy was making. She couldn't imagine doing that for anyone. Kristy didn't kids, and for her to give her body to Meredith was the most amazing gift anyone could give.

Meredith felt her Blackberry buzzing in her purse. She reluctantly grabbed it out and looked down. It was Derek. She was sure that he had to be just as nervous as he was. She pressed the buttons and opened the text message.

_[iDerek: So how are things?_

_Meredith: Ha! You are just as nervous as I am._

_Derek: You have no idea. This the most nerve wracking thing in the world._

_Meredith: Try being here. You have no idea how close I have come to peeing my pants._

_Derek: I'm sure you are. But this is good, Mer. We're going to be parents._

_Meredith: We are. I can't wait._

_Derek: Me either. I have a patient. Love you._

_Meredith: Love you more. :) [/i_

Meredith suffered through, waiting for Kristy. It seemed like every second went by slower than the next. About twenty minutes, that was how long they said it would take. She couldn't take it. How long could it take to implant three embryos? Meredith closed her eyes and took in a breath. She didn't even realize how quickly she fell asleep.

"Mer..." Kristy said as she walked up and placed her hand on Meredith's arm.

"Mmm... Oh." Meredith said as she opened her eyes. "You're done already?"

"I am." Kristy said with a smile as she looked down at her drowsy friend.

"How was it? Was everything okay?" Meredith asked nervously.

"It was. Dr. Janson wants to talk to us. And then we can go." Kristy said with a smile as she began walking to the office.

"Dr. Shepherd." Dr. Janson said with a smile as he stuck out his hand.

"Dr. Janson." Meredith said as she shook his hand and sat down. "So?"

"Everything went well. We successfully implanted three embryos. Ms. Samson is doing well. We are providing luteal phase support with estrogen tablets and progesterone suppositories, to increase the chances of implantation. Kristy needs to go home. Bed rest for 24 hours. No tub baths or swimming for 48 hours. No douching or tampons. No intercourse or orgasms until the fetal heartbeat is seen on ultrasound. Do not undertake excessive physical activity such as jogging, aerobics, or tennis. No heavy lifting. You may return to work after 24 hours of bed rest, getting up for bathroom and meals only, and one to two days of light activity. Do you understand?" He asked Kristy as he looked at her, and then nodded at Meredith.

"I will do whatever I need to do." Kristy said with a big smile.

"I will make sure she has everything she needs." Meredith said with a smile.

"Dr. Shepherd, everything went great... And we now have the dreaded two week wait." He said as he looked up at her.

"Oh yes..." Meredith said with a sigh as she looked at him. "Don't we love that." She told him as she thought about the two weeks that they would have to wait to see if she was pregnant.

"None of my patients do." Dr. Janson said with a frown. "Now I will be leaving tomorrow. But if you have any problems, here is my number. Do not hesitate to call me."

"Thank you." Meredith said as she shook his hand and stood up.

Meredith helped Kristy into the car. She couldn't believe that in that moment, she could be becoming a mother. Meredith put her hands on the steering wheel and drove down the road. She was so excited and happy she couldn't take it. Meredith stopped in front of their favorite italian restaurant and put the car in park. Kristy smiled as she looked over at Meredith.

"Cheese ravioli." They both said simultaneously and nodded.

"I'll be right out." Meredith said with a smile as she left the car running and ran in. They knew exactly what she wanted when she came in. Within a few minutes, they returned with a package full of food and sent her on her way.

"My favorite." Kristy told her with a smile as she smelled the food.

"Mine too." Meredith agreed as she drove down the road. "You will never know how much this means." Meredith said as she began to tear up. "I wanted to give Derek a baby so badly. And I couldn't. I wanted to carry it, but I don't have a chance. And for you to do this... To make it possible for Derek to have his dream. And me too. It's my dream too. I just... Thank you, Kris. You are the most amazing person I have ever met." Meredith told her as the tears slid down.

"Meredith... You are my family. You are the best friend I have ever had. I want you and Derek to be happy. If anyone deserves this, it's you. I love you so much." Kristy told her happily. "Everyone laughs when they find out I will be carrying my ex-husband's child with his wife. But it just seems natural to me. Like it was meant to be..."

Meredith let the tears fall. They were tears of happiness, and that was something she so rarely had. She couldn't take the joy that was taking her over. She pulled into Mark's parking spot and quickly walked around to let Kristy out of the car. Kristy shook her head and rolled her eyes at Meredith's concern.

"Okay... Go get into your pajamas and get into bed. I will get you some food." Meredith demanded as she pointed to her room.

"Yes ma'am." Kristy laughed as she walked away.

Meredith knew her way around the kitchen, it used to be her own. Mark and Kristy hadn't changed anything around, and Meredith had left everything that came with the apartment. Meredith grabbed out two large bowls and placed the cheese ravioli in them, and then covered it with the sauce that was in a separate container. Meredith smiled when she walked in and saw Kristy, just as she told her to be.

"How do you feel?" Meredith asked as she looked over at Kristy

"Great." Kristy told her as she accepted her food and flipped the t.v. on.

"So... Do you feel pregnant?" Meredith asked as she looked over at her friend.

"Why do I have a felling you will be asking me this every minute of everyday for two weeks straight?" Kristy asked with a giggle.

"Probably because I will be." Meredith said happily as she ate her pasta. This felt so right.

-----------------

It had been hell. That was what Meredith thought. Hells weeks. She was calling it hell weeks. She couldn't wait to find out if Kristy was pregnant. She couldn't wait to see if she was going to be a mom. Derek was feeling just the same way, and Mark and Kristy were going insane. They really weren't. They were so glad that they were doing this for their friends.

"I am so nervous." Meredith said with a smile as she did the belt on her jeans.

"Me too." Derek admitted. "And Kristy doesn't feel anything. I have been begging her to say yes... And she says nothing."

"I know!" Meredith spat loudly. "The suspense is killing me."

"It won't be for long. Less than an hour..." Derek pointed out as he looked at his watch. "Less than an hour, and we will know whether or not we will be parents."

"Yes we will." Meredith agreed with a smile.

Meredith and Derek drove to the hospital together. Addison was drawing blood from Kristy today. She could have had it done at Seattle Grace, but they all agreed that it would be best to stay under the care of Drs. Montgomery and Janson through it all. Meredith was nervously wringing her hands and Derek quickly grabbed it and squeezed it tightly. She let out a smile and looked over at Derek.

"I hate coming here." Meredith said as Derek pulled up into the Seattle Presbyterian parking lot.

"As do I." Derek agreed. "At least we won't be anywhere near the surgical floor."

"It's still like going in the dragon's lair." Meredith said frankly as she looked at the hospital.

"You have a point there." Derek agreed as he opened his door and stepped out. Derek quickly rushed around and helped Meredith out of the car. "Are you ready for this?" Derek asked as he looked into her green eyes.

"I am." Meredith said as she laid her back against his car. "Kiss me." She said frankly.

Derek leaned against her and pressed his lips onto hers. Meredith looked into his eyes as he pulled back and licked her lips softly, before sliding his tongue into her mouth. Meredith let out a soft moan as her tongue played with his, licking and tasting him. She ran her hands through his hair before she pulled back and smiled.

"Thank you. I needed that." She told him frankly.

"You did." Derek agreed, as he grabbed her hand and they made their walk into the hospital.

Derek could feel the sweat on Meredith's hand. She was nervous. This was big. But he knew that she was ready. She was confident. She didn't have that looming sense that the baby would die. She was sure that everything would be okay. Derek placed his hand on the small of her back and led her into Addison's office.

"Hello..." Addison said warmly as they walked in. "Are you ready?"

"I can't take another minute!" Meredith said quickly as she sat down. Kristy walked in and sat with them, they all shared hellos and smiles.

"Just tell us... Mer has been driving me crazy." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Me? You!" Meredith spat quickly.

"The results are right here." Addison said as she ripped open the envelope. "I haven't seen them."

"We're ready." Derek said as he looked over at Meredith and nodded.

"Okay." Addison said as she pulled out the paper and unfolded it.

"So?" Meredith asked as she shook.

"Congratulations!" Addison said with a huge grin as she looked at the paper. "You are going to be parents."

"Oh my god..." Meredith said as she began to cry.

"I love you, baby." Derek told her as he pulled her close and kissed her forehead.

Derek held Meredith as they cried tears of joy. He gave Kristy a thankful smile as she sat there silently. She had nothing to say. This was there moment. This was all them. She was just the vessel. She was the means for them to get what they wanted. As she sat there and looked at them, she knew she would never regret it. Never.


	146. Love at First Sight

Meredith walked down the hallway at Seattle Grace. She was on top of the world. Nothing could change how she was feeling at the moment. Today was the day when they would get their first sonogram done. Kristy was already at ten weeks. Ten weeks, Meredith could not believe it. A smile grew on her face as she saw Kristy standing at the nurses station.

"Hey!" Meredith said with a huge grin as she walked up to Kristy. "How is my baby?" Meredith asked her stomach.

"Baby is good." Kristy told her with a big nod. "Baby is great."

"And how are you?" Meredith asked as she looked up at her.

"Tired. But I'm fine." Kristy pointed out.

"Morning sickness?" Meredith asked with a frown.

"Of course. And I cannot stand the smell of Mark. Don't tell him. He makes me sick. Literally." Kristy said with a frown. "I don't want to hurt his feelings."

"Oh, I had that with Derek. Just tell him to cut out the cologne and aftershave." Meredith told her with a smile. "That should help."

"No. He has done that already. The minute he found out, he quit wearing all that stuff. It's him. The smell of Mark makes me sick. It's so... Ick!" Kristy said with a gagging sound.

"Oh crap! Maybe he should wear the aftershave..." Meredith suggested quickly.

"But then I would have to tell him that he stinks. This is- The heightened senses, you know?" Kristy asked as she stood there.

"I do." Meredith agreed, with a bit of sadness in her voice. "I do..." Kristy frowned, seeing the hurt.

"I have been playing it. Your podcasts. I have been playing them on my stomach." Kristy told her. "I want your baby to know that you are the mom."

"Thank you, Kris." Meredith told her as she swallowed hard.

"And I think I have a bump. Little, but I think it is there." Kristy told her as she lifted her shirt.

"Oh my god... There it is!" Meredith said as she placed her hand on her stomach. "Oh..."

As Meredith placed her hand on Kristy's stomach, her heart soared. It was slightly bittersweet. Meredith wondered if the baby knew it was mom holding her hand there. She knew it was tiny. Itty Bitty. But she still had the hope that she could maintain a connection with it. She had been recording podcasts in her free time, and Kristy was plating them on her stomach every night.

"Hey there..." Derek said as he walked up. "Oh my god!" He gasped as he looked at her stomach.

"I know, right? I'm- It's there. There is actually a bump." Kristy said with a smile.

"There is." Derek agreed as he looked at it. "Our baby is in there, Mer."

"It is." Meredith said with a sigh as she leaned up and kissed him.

"So how are you feeling?" Derek asked as she dropped her shirt.

"Good. A little morning sickness and sensitivity to smells, but good." Kristy said with a nod. "I have never ending cravings for pumpkin pie."

"Pumpkin pie?" Meredith said as she scrunched her nose.

"Yep." Kristy said with a nod. "Shoot... I have to go."

"Okay... Well are you meeting us there?" Meredith asked. "Or riding along?"

"I'll meet you there. I am meeting Mark for lunch afterwards." Kristy explained.

"Okay. See you in awhile!" Meredith said as Kristy walked away.

Derek smiled as he looked at his wife. He was so proud of her. Unbelievably proud. She was being so brave and positive, even after all of their trauma. Derek was glad to see that they were both happy. Kristy and Meredith seemed better and stronger than ever. And Kristy was being more generous and grateful than anyone in the world could be. They both had a good feeling knowing that their child was inside of her, and not some stranger.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked as she watched Derek grab a phonebook.

"Ordering that woman pumpkin pie." He said as he began to dial the bakery's number.

"You are such a smart man!" Meredith told him happily. "So smart. And wonderful. And perfect. And caring." She said as she kissed his cheek. "Okay... I have to check on some patients. I'll meet you in the lobby in an hour."

"Love you..." Derek said as he covered the phone.

"Love you too." Meredith replied as she kissed him and walked away.

--------------

Meredith ringed her hands as she sat in the passenger's seat. She was so nervous to see the ultrasound. She was so excited to actually see their child on the screen. She felt Derek's hand run down her arm and grab her hand. She really was lucky to have him. He was a great guy. A caring guy. He actually called the bakery and had two pies, pumpkin cakes and cookies sent to the apartment. Only he would think to do that. Meredith squeezed his hand back and looked over as she thought about how he was with her oreos during her first pregnancy.

"I am so excited." Meredith said with a smile.

"I am so happy for you, baby. You have no idea." He told her happily as he leaned over and kissed her head.

"You're not happy too?" Meredith asked with a worried look on her face.

"I am. I am really happy. But seeing you happy, that is better than anything else in the world. I was worried that you would worry about the baby. And seeing you feeling so good... It make me feel like I am on top of the world." Derek explained with a smile.

"I was nervous. But I have a good feeling about this. I have a really good feeling that everything will be fine. It's hard to explain. I just- I'm in a good place." Meredith finally settled on.

"You are. We are. I have never been happier, Mer. And it's you. It is all because of you. I am so- I was lost for so long, and I am so glad you found me." Derek told her as he leaned over and kissed her again.

"I'm glad I found you too." Meredith agreed as he pulled into the parking lot. They both looked over, to see Kristy in the car next to them.

"Are you ready?" Derek asked her softly.

"I am." She said with a nod.

Derek rushed around the car and opened her door. She expected it. It was one of those small gestures that never went unnoticed by her. Not many men did it, but Derek still did. It was something that made her smile. It made her feel special. She waited until the door opened, and let him help her out. She gave her perfect a faint smile as he feet hit the pavement.

"Are you ready for this?" Derek asked Kristy as she stepped out of her own car.

"I am." She agreed as they all walked to the door.

Meredith was definitely more excited and nervous than Kristy. She wiggled and shook nervously as the nurse brought them into a room. She couldn't be more happy if it was her own appointment. Meredith and Derek both sat down in chairs as Kristy climbed up on the table. Before they could even get a word out, Addison was walking in the door.

"Hello everyone! Are we excited?" Addison asked with a smile as she shut the door.

"I think Mer is ready to pass out." Derek said frankly.

"She is." Kristy agreed.

"This is a big day." Addison said with a smile. "So, I want to draw some blood today, just make sure the levels are in a good range. And of course, we are going to do an ultrasound."

"Okay." Kristy said with a smile and a nod.

"So how have you been feeling?" Addison asked as she looked at Kristy.

"Great. A little nauseous. But otherwise, I am doing great." Kristy told her happily.

"I can prescribe something for you for the nausea." Addison told her with a smile.

"No. It's not bad. Really. It's pretty minor." Kristy told her quickly. "Plus, I really don't want to take something I don't need."

"I understand." Addison agreed as she took her blood pressure. "BP is good."

Meredith and Derek sat there as Addison went through the physical and took some blood. She just wanted to see her baby. Meredith wanted to see it on the screen. She couldn't take it. She was ready to grab the doppler and do it herself.

"Okay... Now for what you are all waiting for. Please lie back." Addison told her with a smile. "I think that jelly Meredith is holding should be warm. She's been nervously squeezing it for the last ten minutes."

"Oh! Here..." Meredith giggled as she handed it to her.

"Are you guys ready for this?" Addison asked as she placed the jelly on Kristy's abdomen.

"We are." Meredith agreed as she watched the screen.

"Oh yes... There it is." Addison pointed out on the screen.

"Is that?" Meredith asked as she looked.

"The heartbeat." Addison told her with a nod. "You are at 10 weeks to the day. Baby is now called a fetus, and no longer an embryo. The baby's head is now about half its length. Soon the rest of the body's growth will catch up but this area is prepared to keep up with the rapid brain development! And by now, it's been decided if she or she will have your green, or your blue." Addison told them both. "The baby is about one and a quarter inches long now."

"Derek..." Meredith said as she looked over at him and began to cry. "That's our baby. Our baby..."

"I know." Derek said as he began to tear up. "I love you so much, Mer. You have no idea." He said as he kissed her. "Thank you, Kristy." He mouthed.

Kristy nodded and watched as Meredith cried tears of happiness in Derek's arms. It made her feel so good to see them happy. It warmed her heart to see that she was making such a difference in someone's life. No one could put it into words. It was a miracle. This baby was the most wonderful thing in the world. Addison printed out a picture and handed it to them. No one said a word. No words could be said.

---------------

Derek was on top of the world. No one could stop him. Everyone in the hospital knew about his baby. He had shown the picture of the little nothing to anyone that would look. He was so proud of what he and his wife had created out of love. He couldn't wait until the day he got to hold it in his eyes.

Derek quickly walked down the hallway towards Meredith. She was leaning up against the wall reading a chart. Her hair was laying softly on her shoulders. The light from behind her caught her hair and sent off a soft glow all the way around her head. She had never looked so beautiful in her life.

"Mmm... You look tasty." Derek muttered as he walked up to her.

"Derek!" She giggled as she looked over at him.

"I think I need you." He whispered into her hair as his cock started to twitch in anticipation.

"I have to finish this chart." She told him as she began writing.

"On call room. Ten minutes." Derek told her with a smile as he licked her neck.

"I really don't have time." She said frankly as he sucked her tender flesh. She wanted it. She wanted him bad. She tried fighting it. But this was Derek. And Derek made it impossible.

"It won't take long... Ten minutes. Be there." He said with a smile.

"Ten minutes. Get a condom." She said with a sigh as she flipped her chart shut.

She couldn't contain herself. She could feel her core heating up at just the thought. The thought of his hard, long cock sliding in and out drove her wild. As she quickly walked towards the on call room, she nonchalantly tugged at her scrub pant strings. She needed him. Her body needed him. A smile crossed her face as she looked at him laying in the bed, rolling a condom on.

"What if it hadn't been me?" Meredith asked as she kicked off her shoes and flipped the lock.

"I knew you were behind me." Derek said with a smirk as she quickly ripped her clothes off.

"Oh god... I need you." She said as she looked at his erect, hard member standing tall for her.

"I need you too, babe." He agreed as she crawled over his body. She didn't waste any time as she hovered above his cock and lowered herself down on him. They both let out sighs as her walls wrapped around his rock solid meat.

"Derek..." Meredith moaned as she rocked slowly and gently on his rock hard cock. "Oh god... I had no idea how badly I needed you." She whined as she rubbed his chest.

"I've been thinking about you all day, Mer." Derek pointed out as he ran his hands down her back.

"Oh god... You are so big. God, you were ready!" Meredith moaned as she rocked slowly and laid her head back. Derek's hands rested on her firm breasts as she moaned. He squeezed her nipples, sending chills to her core.

"Oh fuck yes!" Derek spat as he flicked her nipples with his fingers. He quickly twisted her nipple and watched the mixture of pain and pleasure on her face.

"Oh!" She moaned as he went deeper. "Fuck... Harder." She told herself as she pounded down on his cock.

"You like that?" Derek asked with a raised brow as he thrust upward.

"Oh... Oh... Yeah... Oh god...Oh god..." She cried as she clenched her walls around him.

"You are... Fuck." He told her as he grabbed her ass and squeezed. "Perfect body, perfect pussy. You are amazing. And so much more." He told her as he thrust upward into her.

"You... You... Oh... You aren't such a... bad... fuck yourself." She cried out as she picked up her pace. "Oh god..." She spat as he rammed her, tossing her hard. "Harder... Don't stop that! Harder!" She screamed a little too loudly as he thrust up into her again.

"Oh god, Mer..." Derek shouted as he lifted his ass off of the bed. She was a featherweight and it was nothing to throw her upwards. His eyes got wide as she nearly hit her head. She yelled again, only causing him to go deeper, making her cry out louder.

"Oh god... Do it, Derek. Do that... Oh god yes... That... That is perfect!" She yelled as she rode him. Meredith hastily bounced on his cock, her breasts swinging and swaying freely for him. "Oh god... Baby you are amazing!" She praised.

"Oh fuck... I'm cumming already... Fuck..." He spat as he came fast and filled the condom.

"Oh... Shit!" She yelped as he continued to thrust, sending her over the edge. Even in his own fog, he managed to stroke her clit, stimulating her further, to make up for his lack. "Oh... Ah! Ah!"

"Shit... That's what you do to me baby." He told her as he laid his head back and panted.

"Oh... Derek. Thank you, thank you so much." She moaned with a satisfied sigh. She sat there for a second and panted. Just as she began to come down from her high, her pager blared. "Shit!" She spat as she climbed off of him. "Fuck... 911." She explained as she hastily dressed. "You were amazing! Love you." She said as she rushed out.

Derek sighed. That was the job. That was how it went. A satisfied grin covered his face as he laid there. Just as he realized that she had no way to lock the door, he began to crawl out of bed. He rushed over and locked it. He stood there and let out a sigh. Derek slowly peeled the condom off. Just as he went to throw it away, something caught his eye.

"Oh fuck..." He said with wide eyes as he looked down at it.

**Yep.**


	147. Dodged a Bullet

Derek looked at the condom in shock. He held it up closer to his face. A tear. A good-sized tear. That was what you got when you had rough sex. His stomach rolled and flopped as he pushed and pulled and tugged, looking at the tear. Definitely a tear. A big tear. A tear in which semen could go through. A tear that semen could go through and make the trip to Meredith's egg.

His eyes got wide. He needed to tell her. He quickly tossed the condom in the trash and pulled on his pants. He had to tell her. Then it hit him. She was in the middle of a 911 call. Not to mention, he couldn't upset her. As he stood there, he had no idea what to do. He had no idea what his next move should be.

Derek pulled on his scrub shirt and opened the door. He was truly sick. He wasn't sure what his next move should be. If he told her now, she may get so upset that she couldn't work. And he had no idea what was going to happen. He didn't want to tell her. But he had to. It was her body that he was fucking with.

The thought of her getting pregnant... It sent Derek into a free fall of guilt. All he could think was her losing it. If she lost another baby, it would surely send her over the edge. She would not be able to take it mentally. He felt like he was going to vomit as he thought about the blood trickling down her leg in the shower that day.

One option was the morning after pill. As much as that would be perfect. As much as it would save them both from possible heartache, it was not an option. He knew that she would never agree to electively killing their possible child. All of this was flooding his mind. But really, there was the possibility that she wasn't even pregnant. Or would get pregnant.

Derek decided it was best to run to the pit. That was where he assumed she would be. He could see what was going on. He could see how she was acting, and whether or not is was a good time to say anything. Just as he made it down there, his own pager went off. This was not good.

It was chaos. Total chaos. They were wheeling gurney after gurney into the hospital. Bleeding wounds, head bandages, broken bones. It was horrible. Carnage. He watched a gurney go by with a sheet over it. Already fatalities.

"Oh my god!" He heard Meredith shout.

Derek looked over to see a 40-year-old man bleeding profusely from his chest. It looked like he had a stab wound. Derek heard someone yelling about him having been holding a knife when they got in the accident, and the driver had pulled it out in a panic. She began spitting orders out loudly. She performed immediate resuscitation and continued in the operating room. A bleeding wound was found in the right ventricle, and she closed it by sutures.

Derek rushed around with his own patients. He completely forgot about the broken condom as he got into emergency mode. The hospital was a mess. Every time he turned around, he was doing a consult and running tests. As he made his way down to the pit for the fifth time, he heard Meredith again. Meredith went on to the next patient, where an intern was crying in a panic.

"Hey! Calm down! I think this patient needs you thinking rationally!" She spat. He had to feel slightly proud when she told them to suck it up and calm down.

"Thank you..." The patient muttered as she looked up. "She was totally freaking out on me."

"I'm sorry." The intern said softly as she looked up.

"Okay... This looks minor." Meredith said with a nod. "Debride and stitch." Meredith told the intern as she walked away.

"Mer!" Derek said loudly as he rushed up.

"Hey! This place is a mess, isn't it?" She asked as she looked around.

"It is. I've been in the operating room all day." Derek told her with a nod. "Three cases."

"Four for me." Meredith said with a nod.

"Shit... That's rough." Derek agreed as he looked around. "I need to tell you something..."

"Is it important. This crazy." Meredith explained as she tried to walk off.

"A little, yeah." Derek told her frankly.

"Well, a little isn't good enough." She said as she heard her pager go off. "Shit! It's my stab wound. I have to go..."

Derek stood there with a frown on his face. Just his luck, this is how it would go. It was a mess. And now he had his own person trauma going on. He needed to tell her, but she was too busy. And every hour that went by, he was feeling worse that he did before. He sighed as someone called his name. Another patient.

"Take chest x-rays!" Meredith yelled at her intern as she looked the patient over. "Find me immediately."

Meredith stood there and drew in a breath. It was the first one she had caught all day. As she thought about her day, she remembered Derek. She wondered exactly what it was he was trying to tell her. It sounded somewhat important, but he didn't see to be in a panic about it. She shrugged as her intern ran up.

"Crap." Meredith muttered as she looked at the enlarged right ventricular cavity. "He has mild dyspnea, and a systolic precordial murmur. We'll do a echocardiogram." Meredith said with a not.

The echocardiogram showed an enlarged right atrium and ventricle. Meredith suggested an abnormal left-to-right communication. A transesophageal echocardiogram confirmed a left-to-right shunt and showed an aorta-to-right-ventricular-outflow-tract fistula.

"I'm not sure where the exact position is. His right side pressure are elevated. It has to be near the aortic valve. I think we need to do another thoracotomy." She explained to her intern. "Prep him."

Derek sat in the gallery. It seemed Meredith was finishing her last case, the stab wound guy. It was already two a.m. She had case after case after case, and that was even with Santos taking some of them. As much as he wanted to go to bed, there was no was he could sleep, knowing what he knew. Derek watched her in the operating room with a smile on his face.

Cardiopulmonary bypass and cardiac arrest were used to stop the heart, allowing direct visualization of the injury.

"Ah! Here... See it?" She asked her intern and resident.

"The stab wound had entered the right ventricular cavity, having traversed its outflow tract and penetrated the ventricular septum and the aortic tissue below the right cusp of the aortic valve." Her intern explained as she looked.

"Nice. The width of the patient's stab incision is approximately 1 cm. I will repair it with 2 reinforced sutures placed below the aortic valve." Meredith explained. "Then I will run a Intraoperative transesophageal echocardiogram."

Intraoperative transesophageal echocardiogram confirmed the completed repair of the aorta-to-right-ventricular-outflow- tract fistula. The patient's convalescence was normal. Meredith smiled as she closed the man up. Meredith moaned as she walked into the scrub room. She was exhausted. All she wanted was a bed. A nice warm bed.

Derek watched as Meredith closed her patient. He could not even put into words what he had to tell her. It was like a slap in the face. He was so concerned about how she was going to react. He was afraid that it would send her into a whirlwind of self-hate. He slowly walked down the steps of the gallery and into the scrub room.

"You should be sleeping." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up.

"I should be. But-" He started as he looked into her green eyes.

"Did you see that? It was amazing. Second time that guy was in the operating room today. But I hope it was his last." She said with a smile.

"No kidding." Derek sighed as he looked at the floor. He was dreading this, and it was more than apparent.

"What is wrong with you?" Meredith asked as she grabbed his face. "Oh my god! No..." She cried as she broke down. "I can't- I can't do this..." She said as she collapsed into his chest. "I can't believe...Not again!"

Derek was confused as he looked at her. He couldn't believe it. He didn't get how she knew. How could she know what he was going to tell her. Their bond was tight, but not that tight. He stroked her hair and kissed her on the head. Then he realized. She wasn't talking about that. She thought Kristy lost their baby.

"Oh my god! No... No, Mer! Kristy- The baby is fine." Derek said quickly as he looked at her.

"It is? Oh my god... Oh... Thank you." She said with a loud sigh. "Thank god..."

"No... The baby is fine." Derek told her as he kissed her head. "I'm sorry you thought that."

"Then what is wrong with you? You look like it's the end of the world. Did you lose a patient?" She asked with a frown.

"Mer... It's that thing that I needed to tell you." He told her with a serious face.

"Oh, yeah... What was that?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"It's..." He started as he looked over, seeing her intern coming in. "Let's grab an on-call room." He suggested as he grabbed her hand.

"Uh... Okay." She agreed as she walked to the door. "Go to bed... But check on our patient." She told her intern with a nod.

Meredith was worried. Why would Derek have to pull her away to tell her what it was he had to say? She wasn't going to worry, she told herself as she walked with him. Derek peeked inside the on-call room, miraculously finding an empty bed. Derek quickly shut the door and looked up at her.

"I'm not really sure how to say this..." He started. "So I just will. It broke. Earlier, when we had sex, the condom broke. And not just a tiny hole. It was a big tear." He explained.

"What?" Meredith asked in shock. "What do you mean, it broke! What do you mean, Derek?" She cried out in a total panic.

"I'm sorry, baby..." He said as he pulled her close. "I didn't mean for it to happen."

"Where did you get the condom? Why, Derek... Why us?" Meredith asked as she began to sob.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I don't know what happened." Derek said as he rubbed her back. "I just- I don't know..."

"I can't take it again. Not again." She told him sadly.

"Come on..." Derek said softly as he pulled off his shoes and led her to the bed. "We need to figure out what we should do."

"What we should do?" Meredith asked in a panic.

"Maybe you should take the morning after pill." Derek suggested sadly.

"No. No, I cannot do it." Meredith told him. "I can't-"

"Mer... I know how you feel. But I cannot sit here and- I can't watch you go through something again. I can't." He told her.

"No, Derek. I can't do that." She said firmly. "Maybe I'm not ovulating. Wait a minute... What is the date? It's the second! I can't be. In fact, I'm sure I'm not." She said with a smile. "I can't be."

"Mer..." Derek muttered as he shook his head.

He was convinced she was in denial. He was sure that she was saying it, and pushing it off. She didn't want to deal. And he didn't want this to be something that she pushed off, and then it came back and tore her down. He leaned over her and looked into her eyes.

"I know my body, Derek. Before... When we were trying, I kept track of my cycle. I just- I'm sure." She told him with a smile.

"Okay." Derek said with a sigh. "I just- I can't watch you hurt again."

"We'll be fine." Meredith said with a nod. "It's the second. I shouldn't be ovulating until the fourteenth. And my mucus is sticky. Derek, I am sure!" She said happily.

"Okay." He agreed as he leaned down and kissed her. "I was so scared."

"I'm so tired..." Meredith said as she yawned.

"Let's sleep." Derek agreed with a nod as he kissed her head.

Meredith quickly drifted off to sleep in Derek's arms. He was worried. He was worried that she was pregnant. But she seemed sure. At he did know that her periods were now normal, and she had been writing everything down on the calendar. She was fairly certain of what her body was doing. He let out a soft yawn and closed his eyes. Maybe they had dodged a bullet.

**Have they??**


	148. Realization

Meredith laid back on their leather sofa. The hospital was definitely trying to kill her. There was no question about it. It seemed they had picked up a new motto. They would kill their residents and fellows off, only to replace them each year with new stock. She laughed out loud when she thought about it, wondering just what they were doing with all their beaten, broken down help.

"Oh god..." Meredith moaned loudly for dramatic effect.

"What's wrong, baby?" Derek asked as he walked over to the sofa.

"I think I'm dying. Seattle Grace has killed me. Make sure that they at least pay for the funeral!" She said as she rubbed her face.

"Yeah, forty-eight hours in that place will do that to you. If they don't kill you, you kill yourself!" He laughed as he sat down on the end of the sofa and began rubbing her feet.

"Oh god yeah...Right there... Right there...Oh yeah..." Meredith groaned as he kneaded her feet roughly.

"You look so tired." Derek pointed out as he rubbed her leg.

"Hey! Feet. Know your role." She growled as she shoved her foot at him.

"Oh yeah. Definitely forty eight hours." Derek said with a nod, picking up on her attitude.

"Actually fifty-two." She moaned as she closed her eyes. "And I really need to visit Kristy..."

"Not today you don't." Derek said frankly. "You need to visit our bed."

"For sex?" She asked as she opened her eyes and looked up.

"I think you are too tired fro sex, Mer." Derek told her as he cocked his head.

"Nonsense. I can have sex when I am dying." She told him as she pulled away. "Besides... We just went five days." She groaned, referring to her period. "And I am so horny."

"Are you?" Derek asked as she climbed up into his lap and straddled him.

"You have no idea." She groaned into his ear. "Mommy wants some." She told him as she nipped his earlobe.

"Oh god... How can I say no to that?" He asked as he felt his pants tighten.

"God, Der... I just want to fuck you." She said as she stood up and and undid her belt.

"Fuck?" Derek asked. "So you-"

"Get your ass up and drop them." She demanded as she pulled her panties off.

Derek nodded his head and stood before her. She wasn't interested in making sweet soft love to him. She was interested in fucking his brains out to satiate the need she had deep in her core. She had and itch, and he needed to scratch it. As his pants fell, she bent down and grabbed his wallet out of the pocket. Tucked inside was a condom, they blew through condoms fairly fast, and she didn't concern herself with the fact that it may be compromised from sitting too long. She quickly pulled it out and ripped it open with her teeth. Derek looked at her wide-eyed as she grabbed his already throbbing cock and rolled it on.

"Now mommy can get what she wants." She said as she shoved him back on the sofa.

"Right here?" He asked as she looked up at her.

"Right her." She agreed as she straddled her lap. "Oh god yes..." She moaned as she slowly sank down on his cock, it filling the void she so desperately needed filled.

"Wow, Mer. You are so tight." Derek said as he wrapped his hands around her hips and massaged her ass.

"It's been too long." Meredith moaned as she rocked slowly on his hard member.

Meredith went back and forth slowly, grinding her pelvis into him. The warmth of her folds nearly sent Derek over the edge. She was so hot and wet around him. Her eyes glazed over as their bodies meshed. It was pure perfection. Meredith whimpered softly as she rotated her hips in circles, working him down farther.

"Wow..." Derek muttered as she picked up her pace.

Her need was more than evident to him. She needed it all. The physical touch, the emotional connection, the feeling of anticipation, knowing he would explode because of her and her alone. Derek slide his hands up under her shirt and beneath her bra and began massaging her breasts gently. Meredith threw her head back in pleasure as she rocked him from side to side.

"Oh god, Der... I'm close!" She shouted as she began frantically chasing the pleasure to come.

"Cum for me, baby... I'm almost there. Let it go." He told her as he slid his finder inside her tight little pussy and began stroking her clit.

At his touch, Meredith began mewing loudly and jerking her body. She was so close, and her clit was so ripe and ready for it. Derek ran his thumb up and down, mimicking the rhythm of his cock. He watched as she raised and lowered herself, his manhood sliding in and out covered it slippery white cum. He began stroking faster as he felt her tighten down.

"Oh god, oh, oh god!" She screamed as she came hard around him. Her whole body trembles as she released her fluid.

"Fuck, Mer." Derek said with a smile as he shot his hot seeds into the condom. "Oh god..."

They both paused momentarily, everything coming to a head. Everything they were feeling was right there on the surface. The pleasure, the pain. It was all there as tiny beads of sweat formed on Meredith's hair line. She leaned down and kissed Derek softly.

"Thank you..." She said as she pulled off of him. "I think I can sleep now." She told him with a yawn.

"I see, fuck me and leave! That's how it is?" He asked as he looked down at his spent cock.

"Yep. Goodnight, baby." She told him as she jogged up the stairs.

Derek laid his head back and didn't move. It was good. It was so good that he didn't even know how she was walking away and up the stairs. He was certain he had drained everything she had out. But she must have gotten a necessary second wind at the finish.

He knew that it was the job, but Derek didn't like that Meredith was working so many hours. He worried about her, because she knew that she forgot to take care of herself. When she got into work mode, she didn't stop. She never drank, she didn't eat. She just kept rolling. He couldn't wait until she was an attending, and she could give the easy cases away, and possibly get a little more of a break.

Derek peeled the condom off and pulled his boxers on. He wished he didn't have to use condoms. He liked to feel her. Nothing compare to bare flesh on bare flesh. There was something primal about literally filling her that made him feel so good. He liked knowing that she was his and he could do that. He could spray her walls with himself. He wished that it was she that was pregnant, and not Kristy. But he would take what he could get. He would take it, and he would be grateful.

Derek flipped on the t.v. It was way too early to go toe bed. As much as he wanted to go up there and crawl in, he wasn't ready to sleep. He didn't want to go up there and start turning the t.v. on or the light. He wanted her to get her rest. He wanted her to have a goodnight. Besides, he would be up there later.

"Hey, Mar. Why aren't you in bed with mommy? I know you want to be." He said as he patted the sofa.

Derek had always been against dogs and furniture. But something about Marley changed him. It wasn't necessarily Marley, although he loved that dog just as if he was his chid. It was the way Marley made Meredith feel. The happiness that he gave her. That made him feel differently about the four legged creature that had stolen their hearts. So Marley was allowed to jump on the expensive dog blanket covered sofa.

"So how have you been, buddy?" Derek asked as he rubbed his head. "Things are going to be changing around here soon. See, we're going to have a baby. But that doesn't mean that we won't have tome for you. Mommy and daddy have been wanting a baby for a long time. And we are finally getting out chance. So that means you have to be a good boy. No badness from you. No jealousy. You will still be our Mar." Derek told him frankly. Marley looked up with his big brown eyes and then rolled onto his back, exposing his belly.

"Eh... You are just a belly rubbing whore. I see how you are. Always out for yourself." Derek chuckled as her rubbed him roughly.

Just as Derek went to flip the channel, he heard the doorbell ring. Marley hastily jumped from the sofa and ran to the door. Derek quickly pulled on his pants and made his way to the door. As he neared the door, he saw Mark's familiar Porsche sitting in front of the house. Marley stood at the door, letting out several loud woofs.

"Shhh! Mommy is sleeping." Derek told the dog as he opened the door.

"Hey!" Kristy said with a smile as she walked in.

"Hey Mark, Kris. What are you guys doing here?" Derek asked quickly.

"We just figured we'd stop by. I knew Mer likes to check on me. I though maybe I would save her the trip." She explained as she walked in and pulled her shoes off. "Hey Marley... How are you doing, buddy?" She asked as she patted his head.

"She made me." Mark joked as he pulled off his own shoes.

"Of course she did." Derek agreed.

"So where is Mer?" Mark asked as he looked around.

"She just went to sleep. She was exhausted. Fifty-two hours in that place." Derek explained as walked into the kitchen. "Want anything to drink?"

"Oh... Do you have red grape juice. I want that so badly." Kristy said with a smile.

"You know what, I think we do." Derek said with a nod as he pulled it out. "Big, little?"

"Medium. I love it. Burns my stomach, but I still need it." She laughed as she patted her stomach.

"How is my guy?" Derek asked as he looked down at her.

"Guy? Nope! This is a girl. All the way." Kristy told him frankly.

Derek chuckled. He didn't care. It could be a girl, it could be a boy. It made no difference to him. He liked to rib Meredith about it, but in the end, he just wanted a happy, healthy baby. As he poured the juice, he couldn't believe how big she had gotten. She was already at nineteen weeks, and she was already looking pretty big.

"I can't believe Mer is asleep! That little shit." Kristy whined jokingly. "I bring her baby over in my stomach... And she's not even awake."

"She was exhausted." Derek explained.

"Really?" Mark asked in shock. "She did sleep at the hospital. Shit... I think she is the one only one that did get any sleep. A good six hours." He pointed out.

"She slept six hours. Wow. That is- Normally she would be good on that." Derek said with a frown.

"I hope she isn't getting sick. There is that nasty bug going around, you know." Kristy pointed out.

"You know, Mer has been acting odd." Mark said with a confused look.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked as he looked over.

"I caught her eating some funky shit this week. She had ice cream, with and ass load of salt on it. And then she had soup. Chicken noodle soup, with shortbread cookies. She was saying she loves the sweet and salty." Mark pointed out.

"You know, she did eat funky stuff around me too. She had been eating banana sandwiches. Banana on bread." Kristy said quickly. "Probably sympathy cravings!" Kristy joked.

"Yeah. That's it." Derek said with a sigh. "So, have you guys eaten?"

"Nope." Kristy told him. "But pizza... Mmm. Mark and I were going to to stop and get some pizza."

"Oh.. That sounds good. We could order one. I think there is a game on. You guys could hang out for awhile and watch." Derek said with a smile.

"Only if that pizza had pineapple on it." Kristy ordered.

"You have Mer's baby in you. You can have whatever you want!" Derek said with a nod.

"Okay, then. We will stay." Kristy agreed.

"Aww, Shep... I think you were just lonely." Mark said with a laugh.

"Possibly." Derek agreed as he grabbed the phone and hit the speed dial. "There is only so much one sided conversation you can have with a dog!"

"You've got that right." Mark chuckled as he pet Marley on the head.

Derek, Mark and Kristy all made light conversation as they waited for the pizza. Derek was so grateful that he ad such great friends. Kristy was willing to give them this gift. And Mark was on board. That was another big thing. He was sacrificing a lot for them, and no one took that into account. He had to deal with the cravings and moodiness. Once the pizza came, they all sat in the great room and flipped on the t.v.

Derek sat there silently. He had a sinking feeling. Sympathy cravings. Sleeping. She never ate those things. And she hated bananas with a passion. And as he thought about it, she was acting differently. And her body somehow looked different. He looked between his friends. He had a sinking feeling in his gut. It had nothing to do with sympathy. Nothing pseudo. It was the real thing. Pretty soon, he would be ordering pumpkin pie for his house. His Mer, was pregnant.

**Again... Hmmm... For the record, I am done killing babies:)**


	149. Doubting Reality

Derek sat with Mark and Kristy. He wasn't really sure what to say or do. All he could think about was Meredith. Maybe he was completely off the mark. He wasn't sure. But things seemed weird lately. The condom had broke. But that was already over two months ago. Not to mention, she seemed okay, beside the few signs that may not even be signs at all.

Meredith seemed so sure when they had talked about it. She told him firmly that she knew her body and her cycle. And she did. But with the treatments with Addison and the hormones she was taking, he couldn't help but wonder. He couldn't help but feel a sense of dread and happiness at the same time.

"You want more to drink, Kris?" Mark asked as he watched her take her last sip of juice.

"No, I'm good." Kristy said with a smile as she looked over at him.

"These cravings are something else, man." Mark said with a chuckle. "I think I ought to shoot you." He told Derek.

"Hey... You knew what you were getting into!" Derek told them both.

"True." Mark agreed. "But it is worth it."

"You have no idea how much Mer and I appreciate this." Derek told them with a smile. "It has given Mer hope. She would never admit it, but she had just about given up on happiness, I think. And she wanted a baby."

"It's just nice to be able to do something for our friends. You guys deserve it. You've been through hell and back." Mark pointed out.

"We have, and I wish we hadn't." Derek told them both. "But sometimes life insists on screwing you. And I can't help but think that this baby... This time... We have told life to kiss our asses." He told them frankly.

"Well, according to everyone I talk to, I am having the easiest pregnancy that anyone has ever had. I am actually getting teased pretty badly about it." She said with a giggle.

"See, that's a Shepherd in there. That's why." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Well, we really should get going. Kris gets pretty tired about now. And I have to say, she is the biggest grump when she wants her sleep." Mark said quickly.

"Am not!" Kristy said as she swung her arm at him.

"No... Of course not." Mark said as he shook his head yes.

"Well, thanks for stopping by." Derek told them happily.

"No problem. I just wish Mer had been up." Kristy said with a smile.

"She'll be sorry she missed you." Derek admitted as they walked to the door. "See you later."

"Thanks for dinner!" They said as they walked out.

Derek walked into the kitchen and stuck the dishes in the dishwasher. He wanted to clean up the kitchen so that Meredith didn't have to. He crunched up the pizza box and sat it with the recycling. Derek wiped off the counter and flipped the lights off, and then the t.v. He was ready for bed. He was ready to investigate.

Derek walked into their dark room. He flipped on the dim track lights and made his way to the bathroom. He needed a quick shower before he went to bed. After a day at the hospital, neither of them liked to just crawl into their clean bed. Derek flipped on the water in the shower and made his way back out to their bedroom where he grabbed his pajamas. Meredith was sound asleep, she didn't even flinch.

As Derek stood in the shower, he couldn't help but wonder. There were two ways it could go. If Meredith wasn't pregnant, they still had a baby. The baby that Kristy was carrying was safe. That was the thing. He would never tell Meredith, or admit it, but in her uterus, the baby would not be safe. She knew it, but that didn't mean they talked openly about it.

Derek quickly climbed into the warm bed. His side was cold, but he knew between the two of them, it would warm up quickly. Meredith laid quietly on her back. She wasn't snoring, but she was breathing loudly. Derek couldn't take it. He had to look. He quietly rolled towards Meredith and pulled the covers back. He lifted her shirt gently and took a look.

Derek stared at her in a shock. She was pouchy. He couldn't believe that he didn't notice before. He ran his hand over her soft flesh in shock. Surely she had noticed. She had to have noticed that she was getting heavier. Maybe she was in denial. He had no idea.

"Mmm... Take advantage of me... Just don't wake me up." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up at him.

"Hey..." Derek said softly as he kissed her abdomen.

"What are you doing?" She asked with confusion.

"Oh... I was just seducing you." He told her as he kissed her lips softly. "But you are tired, and so am I." He covered quickly.

"Mmm... I love you." Meredith said with a smile as she snuggled into his side.

"I love you more." He told her frankly with a kiss.

Derek laid on his back with his eyes open. He was nervous. Nervous that he had hurt her. He was nervous that she would be going through another tragedy. He blamed himself. They had been too rough and broke the condom. His heart sank as he laid there. He needed something. He needed a miracle.

----------------

Derek hadn't slept. He dozed on and off, but anytime he heard anything, he was back awake. Sometime after one am Marley had come in and laid at the foot of the bed. Meredith slept so well, she had been so exhausted. And he just couldn't. He had to say something to her, but it would be so tricky.

"Oh..." Meredith moaned as she rolled over and hit the blaring alarm. "Too early!"

"Honey, you've been sleeping for almost twelve hours!" He told her as he leaned over and kissed her softly.

"Mmm... Not long enough. Oh, Der... You look horrible." She said as she looked at his tired face.

"Oh, thanks." He grumbled as he looked up at her.

"Didn't you sleep? You look so tried." She told him as she ran her hand over his face.

"I did. Just not much." He admitted with a sigh.

"Oh... What's wrong? Why couldn't you sleep?" She asked as she snuggled into his side.

"I just... I-" He stammered. Meredith looked at him in shock, he never stammered.

"Spit it!" She said quickly as she poked his chest.

"Are you pregnant?" He asked as he looked down at her.

"What! No!" She spat as she pulled away from him. "Why would you- Oh my god! You ass!" She yelled and smacked him as she jumped out of bed.

"What?" Derek asked as he jumped out of the bed and followed her.

"I- You are a fucking asshole! I wondered why you were looking at me. You think I'm fat!" She yelled as she slammed the door in his face.

"No, Mer, I-" He said before it slammed in his face. "I just... I was worried." He muttered to himself.

Derek knew better than to go in there at the moment. The door was unlocked, and he could hear the water on in the shower. Derek shrugged as he walked away. That was precisely how he did not want it to go. He didn't want her to think she was fat. That was not at all what he was thinking. Hell, until he took a good look at her, he couldn't even tell she was bigger.

Derek rushed downstairs and made the coffee. Then it hit him. What if she was pregnant. He already knew that she would argue with him. He poured the coffee ground into the trash and replaced it with decaffeinated coffee. Now he had to take care of her, without her knowing.

Derek wanted to make her breakfast, but he had to get ready for work himself. He shrugged as he rushed upstairs, hoping she was out by now. When he got up there, he saw her standing there, struggling to button her jeans. She looked up at him and clenched her jaw, turning away.

"Mer..." Derek said softly as he walked over to her.

"No! No, Derek... You don't know what you are talking about." She grumbled as she took and a deep breath and buttoned.

"Stop..." Derek said quickly as he grabbed her arm gently.

"Stop what! You are... What are you stealing from the hospital? Apparently you are high. Or you just woke up stupid!" She spat nastily.

"Meredith, I'm sorry. I just- I didn't mean to offend you, baby." He said as he pulled her over to him. He sat on the bed and pulled her between her legs. "You look amazing, honey. You're just...different. And Mark and Kristy said you were eating bananas. You hate them."

"I had a taste for one. Just because I ate a banana and I'm bloated doesn't mean I am pregnant!" She said as she looked down at him.

"I know that, baby. But I just want everything to be okay. And I- Take a test. Humor me." Derek said with a smile.

"I'm not pregnant. I would know if I was pregnant. I am not pregnant!" Meredith said quickly.

"Okay. If you are sure..." Derek said with a smile.

"I'm sure." Meredith said as she leaned down and kissed him.

"I need to take a shower." Derek told her as he stood up.

"I need to grab something to eat and go." She said as she kissed him on the cheek again. "I will see you later."

"Okay..." Derek said with a smile as he watched her leave.

Derek shook his head as he walked in the bathroom. He didn't know if she was pregnant. Hell, he didn't know anything. He drew in a breath as he looked in the mirror. Maybe she would wake up and take the test. It would be negative, and they would all go on with their lives.

Meredith didn't even turn the radio on in her car. She was too distracted. She couldn't get what he was saying out of her head. It never crossed her mind that she could be pregnant. She was so sure about her cycle. But then again, her cycle was crazy. As she drove to the hospital, she wondered. Maybe she was in denial.

----------------

The hospital was quiet, but Meredith wasn't going to say anything. She didn't want to work. She really wasn't interested in a good surgery. Surgeries meant that people had something wrong with them. She may be in a hospital, but she didn't want to see sickness and suffering today. Not when she was wondering what was going on with herself.

It was getting to her. She had worn the same sized jeans all her life. She was one of those fortunate people that could eat whatever they wanted and not gain and ounce. And now, she was having a hard time buttoning her jeans. It seemed to be all in her abdomen. She drew in a breath, and nonchalantly walked over to the scale. Her eyes got wide. She had gained eight pounds. This was not good.

She couldn't take it. It was too much. Meredith walked down the hallway and to the supply closet. She needed things. She needed to know. She grabbed her supplies and walked down the hallway. She needed someone she could trust. A weak smile crossed her face when she saw Dina Eastman standing in the hallway with her interns.

"Dr. Eastman!" Meredith said as she marched up.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd?" Dina asked as she looked up.

"I need a favor." Meredith pointed out with a smile.

"Do you need and intern?" Dina asked as she looked at the group behind her.

"No. I need you." She said as she looked up nervously.

"Okay..." Dina said with a nod. "Find something to do." She told her interns as she followed Meredith to and exam room.

"I need you to draw blood, take it to the lab and bring the results to me asap." Meredith said as she rolled up her sleeve.

"Is everything okay?" Dina asked with concern as she looked up.

"It is. I hope..." She muttered under her breath.

"Okay." Dina agreed as she slowly slipped the needle in and they watched Meredith's blood fill the vial.

"hCG." Meredith said softly as Dina began writing on the label.

"Oh!" Dina said with wide eyes. "Oh..."

"Thank you." Meredith said with a faint smile. "Please find me as soon as you know." Meredith said softly.

"I will, under the strictest of confidence." Dina told her with a nod as she rushed out of the room.

Meredith could barely work. She had reading to catch up on. She had charts that had to be checked. She needed to make sure the interns did a decent job on her post-op notes. She had a lot of things she could do. But there was only one thing she could do. She sat in a chair at the nurse's station and stared. She didn't even realize how long she had been sitting there until Dina walked up.

"Here, Dr. Grey." Dina said with a smile.

"Did you look at it?" Meredith asked as she grabbed the paper.

"I did not." Dina said with a nod as she looked down her.

"Okay..." Meredith said as she held the paper up. "I can do this..."

**Wow... This is big, right?**


	150. More Than Enough

Meredith couldn't breathe. She was feeling sick. Her heart was almost beating out of her chest. She wanted to look, but at the same time, she didn't. She hadn't been that afraid in a long time. She held the paper up. She couldn't even focus on the black print in front of her. Meredith drew in a deep breath and focused on the paper.

It felt like someone punched her in the gut. She couldn't do anything. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't move. She was in shock. She was pregnant. She was definitely pregnant. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe that the one time they had sex and the condom broke, that that would be it. As she sat there, the tears began to roll down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey. Maybe next time." Dina said softy, assuming that she wasn't pregnant.

"Dr.- Dr... Derek... I need Derek." Meredith gasped as she sat there.

Derek was just walking down the hallway. Another successful procedure. He was just getting ready to look for Meredith and get some lunch. Just as he rounded the corner, he looked up to see Meredith sitting in a chair. She was gasping for breath. She looked like she was in a panic. He quickly ran over to her side.

"Mer... Meredith!" Derek said as he grabbed her hand. "What is going on? Mer... Dr. Eastman, what is wrong with her?"

"She was okay, and then she read the paper..." Dina said as she pointed to the paper in Meredith's hand.

Derek quickly grabbed the paper. She had ordered and hGC test for herself. His blood ran cold as he looked at the results. Positive. Meredith was in fact, pregnant. His heart soared and sank at the same time. He knelt down beside her as she gasped for breath.

"Mer, you have to breathe, baby. Come on... Breathe." Derek said as he grabbed her hand.

"Can't- Can't do this... I can't handle this right now." Meredith struggled as she looked up at him. Derek could see the red in her eyes, and it broke his heart.

"Breathe, Mer..." Derek told her as he grabbed her face gently.

"Can't-" She said as she gasped. Derek was so happy that the hospital was quiet. It was only Dina and he around at the moment.

"Okay." Derek said with a nod as he scooped her up and took her to and exam room. Derek quickly grabbed and oxygen mask and placed it over her face. "Slow, deep breaths." Derek told her as he nodded for Dina to leave.

"I can't, Derek!" She said as she pulled the mask off of her face.

"You can." Derek said firmly as he pushed the mask back on her face. "Lay back." He said as he climbed up in the bed with her.

"You remember when we were young? That one day, we were sitting on the sofa in the apartment. I was studying, and you were helping me. But you weren't a big help. You never were. When you were around, all I could do was focus on you. And that was fine. I loved every minute of it." He explained with a chuckle. "That day, we talked about it. Remember? We decided that we would have kids and the white house. And the dog. Well Mer, that day I took that all in, and I locked it up. I still believe that dream. I think the path we have had to take has been the rockiest shit path in the world. But we took and and we made it the best we could. We have the house, we have the dog, and we have a baby on the way. I think this was how it was meant to be, Mer. You are healthy. At your last visit, Addison said your uterus looked damn near normal, if not normal. Before, you were not healthy. It wasn't your fault. You had all those adhesions, the baby could not live in there. But now you are healthy. It will be okay. I know I have asked so much for you. I know that you have run out of faith, but this time, it's different. This time, your body is ready. This is our dream, Mer." He said as he looked down at her.

Meredith took a minute to listen to the words that he was saying. She needed to absorb them. Her breathing steadied as she began to relax. Maybe Derek was right. Maybe this time it would be okay. Addison did say she had a normal healthy uterus. And they were having a baby already, so maybe she didn't find it necessary to talk about the chances of carrying a baby to term. Meredith looked up into his eyes and smiled.

"I need this to be okay, Derek. I has to be okay." Meredith told him frankly.

"I know you do, Mer. And I think it will." Derek explained. "Do you want to go home?"

"No. I'm okay. It's just- I am not going to be fine. It's there, in the back of my head. But I can't change anything about it." Meredith explained as she looked up at him.

"We need to make an appointment with Addison as soon as possible." Derek told Meredith quickly.

"We do. I want to call her. Now. We need to call her now. I can't not know. She needs- We need her." Meredith said as she drew in a breath.

"We do need her." Derek agreed as the sat up. "Let's call Addie." He said as they sat up. Meredith climbed out of the bed and grabbed his hand. As if she weren't beaten down enough. And now, she was in the position to just lay down and die. Just one wrong thing, and she would want to give up.

-----------------

Derek held Meredith's hand. She was silent. He was hoping she would talk, but she didn't say a word. He could tell that beneath it all, she was freaking out. And for good reason. He was freaking out as much as she was. He couldn't help but think this was all his fault. It was his condom. His penis. He was bad. He was the bad boy in this situation.

"It will be fine, Mer." Derek lied as he looked over at her.

"How will it be fine, Derek?" Meredith asked in a panic as she looked over at him.

"It just- It has to be." He said with a sigh, unsure of what else to say.

"Oh... Good answer, Derek." She grumbled as she let go of his hand and turned away. "Real good."

"Mer." Derek said quickly.

"I just- This wasn't supposed to happen." She grumbled as she started playing with her hands.

"I know it wasn't. But it did. And now we're here and we have to deal with it." Derek told her frankly. "I'm sorry, Mer. I wish- That condom, I don't know why it broke. It wasn't old. God, I stuck it in my wallet two days before we used it. Maybe I was too rough. I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't realize that that could end up like this." He said sadly.

"It's not your fault, Derek." Meredith replied with a sigh. "It's no one's fault. Apparently, this was the way it was supposed to be. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid. You have no idea how afraid I am. I'm a murderer. I kill babies." She said as she began to whimper.

"No... Mer, do not say that. Please don't ever say that again. That's not true. It's not your fault. None of that was your fault." Derek said as he placed his hand on her cheek.

"In my heart, I know that's true. But at the same time, my head thinks bad things." Meredith said with a frown.

"No matter what, you have me." Derek said frankly. "And will will be okay. No matter what."

"Okay." Meredith agreed with a nod as he pulled into the parking spot and put the Denali in park.

"Yes... Okay." Derek agreed as he opened his door. He quickly rushed around the car and opened Meredith's door.

"Let's just get this done." Meredith said as she climbed out and grabbed his hand.

Once again, they were in the lion's den. If Addison weren't phenomenal in her field, there would be no way that either of them would even consider coming into that hospital. As they walked in, they almost felt a chill in the air. Meredith always panicked, wondering if they would run into Ellis.

Meredith didn't want to be there. She was mad at herself. Mad at her body. Why did she have to have such a screwed up system? It made her sick. She was so close to going back to the way she was. Back to the self hate and the anger. One wrong move and she would be there.

Derek felt bad for Meredith. He knew that she was so near turning into an emotional wreck. They knew there way to Addison's floor with their eyes closed. Between all the treatments for Meredith, and then the check ups for Kristy, they were there all of the time. It was late. Addison was probably more than ready to go home, but being as they were friends, she agreed to stay there.

The nurse handed Meredith a gown to put on. Addison was more than likely going to do a pelvic exam on her. Meredith peeled her clothes off with a frown and handed them to Derek. She slid the gown on. She hated those gowns. Nothing was worse than having to wear one. Meredith sat on the paper-covered table with a frown on her face.

"I have to say... I did not expect this." Addison said with a smile as she walked in.

With those words, Meredith let it all go. She began to sob loudly into her hands. Addison was even shocked that she was pregnant. Meredith was feeling that Addison was disgusted that they let this happen. Derek quickly jumped up and wrapped his arms around her as she rocked back and forth.

"I'm sorry, Addie... I'm so sorry." Meredith sobbed as she looked up at Addison.

"Oh, honey... Calm down." Addison said as she grabbed her hand. "Relax."

"We were stupid. We shouldn't have had sex. This is all my fault. You said not to get pregnant and now... I know I'm a failure." Meredith cried out.

"Meredith! Calm down." Addison said frankly. "You're okay. This is okay. The last time you were here, I was going to tell you both that your uterus was healthy enough to try. I decided not to because I knew with Kristy, you weren't going to be trying. I would have liked to see how you looked after another couple of months, but it's okay."

"What- What do you mean?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Addison. "It's okay?"

"She's okay?" Derek asked as he looked between the two of them.

"You have a perfectly healthy uterus that is free of adhesions. I see no reason why you couldn't get pregnant and carry a baby to term." Addison said frankly as she looked up.

"Really?" Meredith asked as she let out the air she had been holding in.

"Yes... But we need to take a look. We need to see what is going on." Addison explained. "So I'm assuming you did an hCG test."

"Yeah. It was 188,000 mIU/m." Meredith explained quickly.

"Now, do you have any idea when fertilization occurred?" Addison questioned as she looked at them both.

"We had a condom break almost 9 weeks ago." Derek explained quickly.

"Derek thought we should get the morning after pill, but I couldn't do that. And I was sure, Addie. I was so sure that I wasn't fertile at the moment. It wasn't the right time. It was only around the second. But I can't be- Nine weeks is a long time. And I had a couple light periods." Meredith said quickly.

"Meredith, your schedule has changed. It's not the same as it was before. With all of the hormones and changes you have been going through... There was no way for you to know. You can't blame yourself. According to your hCG levels, 9 weeks sounds about right. Let's take a look..." Addison explained. "Lay back and scoot down." She said softly as she sat on the rolling stool.

"So how are you feeling?" Addison asked as she began doing the exam.

"Good. Fine." Meredith muttered as she closed her eyes.

"No morning sickness?" Addison asked as she looked up.

"Not at all." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Don't say that too loud. If any pregnant women around here hear you say that, they may hurt you." Addison laughed as she continued. "Wow..."

"Good wow or bad wow?" Derek asked with concern.

"Good wow. You look great, Mer. And I am not trying to sugar coat it. Everything looks great." Addison said with a happy smile and nod as she scooted back and peeled her gloves off, replacing them with new ones. "I'd like to do an ultrasound, and see what we have."

"Yes..." Meredith said with a big nod. Derek rushed over to her side and held her hand.

"We're ready." Derek said with a smile as he looked at her.

"You know the procedure..." Addison said with a smile as she smeared jelly on Meredith's abdomen.

Addison quickly ran the doppler over Meredith's abdomen. Smiles covered their faces as they looked at the screen. They all heard faint heartbeats. Meredith and Derek looked at each other and tears began to well up. That was the sound of their child's heartbeat filling the room.

"Is that?" Meredith asked as she looked up a smile on her face.

"Wow... This is early. Strong heartbeats." Addison said quickly. "They look to be at about 9 weeks." She said with a smile.

"They?" Meredith asked in a wide-eyed panic as she looked at Derek, who was just as shocked.

"Uh huh... Right there, two fetuses." She told Meredith and Derek as she pointed it out on the screen.

"Two. Twins... Two. Oh my god! Three." Derek said in a panic as he looked at Meredith.

"Two, Derek. Two and then three. Three because of- Three. Three babies less than three months apart." Meredith said as she began to gasp for air. "We can't! Two.. Three. It's- Oh my god!" She cried out loudly.

"Clam down, Mer." Derek said as he stroked her head. "Its okay. It's great." He told her with a big nod. "We can do this..."

"They are really moving around in there." Addison said with a smile as she looked and pointed.

"I just- Wow..." Meredith said as she drew in a deep breath.

"Yeah." Derek agreed as he rubbed her arm. "See, you were worried. They will take care of each other. It's a blessing, Mer. Two babies..."

"Meredith... I do not want you to worry. Do you hear me? I promise you that you are healthy. Your uterus is better than it's ever been. There i no reason you won't be able to carry your babies to term. They look great, guys." Addison said with a nod. "I'd like to get you on some vitamins. And take some blood... But this is... Amazing."

"It is." Meredith and Derek agreed with a nod.

He leaned down and kissed Meredith softly. It was amazing. Meredith was going to be able to enjoy motherhood. She was going to get to experience it all for herself. A smile covered his face as he looked into her green eyes. They couldn't believe it. Inevitably, they were having triplets.

**Wow! And even more wow... 150 chapters!!! Freaking amazing! Thanks, guys!**


	151. Announcement

Luckily their shifts were over. Neither Meredith nor Derek could even think about working after hearing that news. Addison had done a pretty good job of convincing Meredith that this pregnancy would go well. Of course it was always in the back of her head, but she was feeling a bit better than she had in the past. She drew in a big breath. This was unbelievable.

Derek couldn't believe it. He had always wanted a big family. And now, it seemed he would get that in one shot. He couldn't get over it. Three babies. They were going to have three babies in the house at the same time. Three of everything. He wanted it, and he had no idea just what it would entail.

"You look tired, baby." Derek said softly.

"I am tired." Meredith admitted with a faint smile. "And now I know why." She said as she placed her hand on her stomach.

"Yes, you do." Derek agreed as he placed his hand with hers. "I knew you were getting pouchy."

"Hey." Meredith growled as she looked over at him.

"Well, that's not a bad thing. In fact, I love it. I like a little junk in the trunk." Derek said with a shrug.

"Your trunk is your ass- Oh my god! Is my ass getting big?" Meredith wailed as she quickly unbuckled her seatbelt and tried to stand up to look at it.

"No... I just-" Derek muttered, realizing he had dug himself into a huge hole.

"It is..." Meredith whined quickly.

"I meant to say I like a little something something under the hood." Derek told her with a wink.

"Eh." She moaned as she shook her head.

"And I know I can't wait for the pregnancy sex." He told her frankly.

"You are an ass." Meredith moaned loudly.

"Yep." Derek agreed as he leaned over and kissed her softly. "And now I'm going to be a dad. Times three."

"You are." Meredith said with a deep breath as she looked over. "What about Kristy?"

"What do you mean?" Derek asked as he grabbed her hand.

"I mean... She sacrificed so much. And now- Now we are having babies coming out of- It's crazy. And she- Will she be upset?" Meredith asked as she looked at him.

"No. Kristy isn't like that. It's not like we did this on purpose. It was an accident." Derek said with a sigh.

"Don't even say that. I don't want these babies to think they weren't wanted." Meredith told him quickly.

"They won't! Believe me, they will not!" Derek said frankly as he looked at her.

"I know that my mom regretted having me. And I don't want them to feel that. No one should feel like they weren't wanted." Meredith muttered with a sigh.

"They won't Mer... We fought too long and too hard for this. They will never question our love for them." Derek stated frankly. "Are you hungry?" Derek asked as they drove by the strip of restaurants.

"I want your chicken parmesan." Meredith told him with a nod. "And a peanut butter shake."

"Where do we get one of those?" Derek asked as he looked at the shops.

"Snoqualmie Gourmet Ice Cream." Meredith said with a big nod.

"Mer... That's in Maltby." He said with a sigh.

"Uh huh. But it's the best Derek... It's only a half an hour out of the way! Come on. Please?" She whined as she looked into his eyes.

"You are lucky you have two of my kids inside of you!" He told her frankly.

"No. You are lucky." She said with a nod as she flipped the radio on.

Derek looked over at her and shook his head. He gave her a hard time. But the truth is, he would have went two states away for ice cream, if that is what she had wanted. He had a feeling this was going to be rough. Mark was getting it bad with Kristy. Derek felt somewhat guilty. Mark didn't have anything to do with it and he was getting stuck.

Derek happily drove along the road. He knew the way. He'd never actually been to this place, but he had heard about it. And Meredith was known for her ice cream addiction. Derek spotted the shop and quickly parked his Denali. He looked over at Meredith, who was already climbing out and halfway to the door. He jumped out of the car and chased her into the ice cream shop.

"Can I help you?" The girl asked as she looked up.

"A large peanut butter shake." Meredith said with a big nod.

"Okay. And you, sir?" She asked quickly.

"Oh no... I don't eat that." He said with a shrug.

"Come on, Der. You are making me look like a pig!" Meredith said with a frown.

"Well..." Derek said with a smile as she reached up and smacked him in the arm. "Really, I'm good." He told the girl who nodded and walked away to make the shake.

Meredith greedily grabbed her shake and off they went. Derek couldn't help but laugh when he looked over. She was eating it so fast, she was bound to get sick. He watched her grab her head in pain.

"Brain freeze?" Derek asked quickly.

"Shut up!" Meredith said with a laugh as she grabbed her head. "It's from the cold hitting the roof of my mouth."

"Actually... The pain is not caused by the cold temperature alone, but rather, quick warming of the hard palate. Letting the mouth slowly return to normal temperature can prevent this from occurring. Brain freeze is often a result of speaking or breathing out of the mouth after consuming something cold. The body's response to cold environments is to vasoconstrict the peripheral vasculature. This vasoconstriction takes place to reduce blood flow to the area and thus minimize the body's heat loss. After vasoconstriction, the vessels return to their normal state, resulting in massive dilation of the arteries that supply the palate. The nerves in the region of the palate sense this as pain and transmit that sensation back to the trigeminal ganglia. This results in pain that is referred to the forehead and below the orbit, and other regions from which the trigeminal nerve receives sensation." Derek went on with a smile.

"Seriously? You are such and idiot." She said as she rolled her eyes. "Whatever... It was worth it!"

--------------

Derek wouldn't believe that Meredith consumed the whole shake in a matter of minutes. It was like it never touched her palate as it slid down. But that was Meredith. That was the woman he loved. He was so happy to pull into the driveway of their home. Now he just had to spend the evening cooking dinner.

"Do you want to take a bath while I make dinner?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Nope. I'll take one after." She said with a big nod as she sat her purse down. She quickly grabbed the sonogram picture and looked at it.

"Amazing, huh?" Derek asked as he looked down at it.

"It's insane. I never would have believed it." She told him quickly. "And were is the picture of their brother or sister?"

"Right here." Derek said with a smile as he grabbed out Kristy's sonogram picture.

"Brothers and sisters..." She said with a smile as she looked down.

"Wow." Derek muttered as he looked at the images side by side. "Okay. I have to cook. Are you going to make the salad, or are you going to bast the bread?" He asked as he pulled out the loaf of bread and placed it on the counter.

"Both." Meredith agreed with a nod.

"Sounds good." Derek agreed as he pulled out the chicken and went to work. "Now, Mer... You do realize you will have to learn how to cook, right?" He joked as he looked over at her.

"Why? I have a perfect man here to do it for me." She giggled as she began washing vegetables. "Didn't you know you are going to quit being a surgeon and become a stay at home dad."

"Sounds good to me." Derek agreed with a smile.

"You wouldn't last one week out of the hospital. And what could you do when you had three dirty diapers at once?" She asked quickly.

"What would you do if you had three dirty diapers at once?" Derek asked frankly.

"Lay down on the floor and cry." Meredith said with a nod.

"Well, it sounds like we're going to have four babies." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Most likely." Meredith agreed as she began chopping.

Derek watched Meredith chop the vegetables. It was all she could do. But she would have to learn. If they were going to have a big family, they were both going to have to chip in. It seemed so perfect. So completely different from what he was living three years ago. It was bliss. Just as he went to put his chicken in the oven, he heard the phone ring.

"Hello?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Derek... Finally I get ahold of you!" Linda said with a big laugh.

"That can be hard to do. I have been meaning to call..." Derek agreed with a chuckle. "So what is new?"

"Oh, not to much. I've been volunteering at the church and at the community center." Linda said with a smile. "What about you?"

"Oh... Not much. Just that I'm going to be a father." He said with a huge smile.

Meredith looked up at him in shock. They hadn't decided who they were going to tell. And now he was telling Linda. Her stomach was feeling sick as she stood there waving no. He wasn't even looking. His eyes were glazed over with the joy from the latest news.

"Well, I know that. How is Kristy, by the way?" Linda asked quickly.

"Kristy is fine. But that is not who I'm talking about, Mom. Meredith... Meredith is pregnant. With twins." Derek boasted with a big smile on her face.

"Derek!" Meredith wailed as she took off running upstairs.

"Derek! That is wonderful. How?" Linda asked in shock. "I thought with the Asherman's..."

"I have to go." Derek said quickly.

"What's going on?" Linda asked in a panic.

"It's- I will call you back in a few minutes, okay?" Derek asked quickly.

"Okay, Dear." Linda said with concern.

Meredith ran up the stairs as quickly as she could. She couldn't believe that he told Linda. She wasn't ready to let people know. She didn't want everyone knowing before it happened. Because if it happened again, she didn't want they to blame her. Her stomach began to feel queasy as she thought about it. Linda would be so disappointed when Meredith killed her kids, once again.

Meredith ran into the bathroom and began retching in the toilet. Her nerves were on edge. She was such a disappointment. She and her diseased body. She couldn't stand the smell of vomit and now she was producing and ample supply of it. She knew Derek was behind her, but she couldn't talk to him. Not yet.

Derek chided himself. It didn't hit him until she ran away. He frowned as he made his way up the stairs two at a time. His heart broke when he walked into the bathroom and saw her sitting on the cold floor, the smell of vomit hanging in the air. He had been so stupid. He was so ashamed of himself.

"Mer... I am so sorry. I didn't think before I said that. I didn't mean for that to happen." Derek said with a frown.

"I'm not ready. Why, Derek? Why would you do that?" She wailed as she leaned over the toilet. "Now when they die, everyone will blame me!"

"Mer... They are not going to die. And no one has ever blamed you for anything that happened." He said as he knelt down on the floor with her.

"I wasn't ready to tell anyone. You didn't even ask me. You didn't care." She said as she looked into his eyes.

"It wasn't like that and you know it. I was excited. I was so excited and I- It just came out. And it wasn't purposely, Mer." Derek said as he moved the hair out of her face. "I am so sorry, baby."

"I'm scared, Derek. I'm trying not to be." Meredith admitted as she laid against him.

"I know you're scared, baby. But it will be fine, Mer. It will be fine. No matter what happens, you have me. You have to remember that." Derek said as he kissed her head. "And Addison says you are completely healthy. You have to remember that. last time, you weren't. This time you are. You have me. I am here for you. Let me be." Derek said as he nudged her chin up.

"I do have you." She said with a smile. "And I love you, Derek. I'm trying. Everyday is a struggle. But we can do it together."

"We can." Derek agreed as he held her. And they would. All their trouble was behind them now.


	152. Relief

Meredith and Derek had the day off. They needed to have the day off. They needed to have the time to themselves. After yesterday, they needed to just absorb everything. Derek held Meredith's warm body against his. She still smelled of the lavender bath oil that they had in the bathtub the night before.

It had taken Derek a while to calm her down. He hadn't thought before he talked and he truly regretted it. All he could think about was their future. All he could think about was how happy he was that he was going to be a father. The thought never crossed his mind that he should talk to her before he talked to his mom.

Meredith moaned softly as she burrowed her head into Derek's side. Neither of them were ready to get up. It was a nice day outside, but it was even nicer in the comfort of their bed. Just as Derek sighed as closed his eyes, he felt Marley creep up to the head of the bed.

"Morning Marley." Meredith said softly as she felt him lick her. "How is mommy's boy?"

"He's good." Derek chuckled, talking about himself.

"You are mommy's man!" Meredith joked as she looked up at him. "Good morning." She told him as she kissed him softly.

"Morning, baby. How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he kissed her lips and then her forehead.

"Good. I feel good." Meredith told him softly as she yawned.

"That's good." Derek said with a nod.

"Uh huh... But I am not ready to get up yet." Meredith told him frankly.

"Okay. We won't get up." Derek said quickly.

"I bet Marley has to go potty." Meredith pointed out with a sigh.

"Marley, do you have to go potty?" Derek asked as he looked at him. Marley crept closer to Meredith and put his head down. "I guess that was a no."

"I would say so." Meredith said with a smile. "Do you think he will be okay? I mean... With the babies?"

"I think he will be fine. It will take some getting used to. But he will be okay. We just can't forget about him." Derek told her with a smile.

"Yeah. I could never forget about my Marley. He's my baby. My first baby." She said as she kissed his soft head.

"He is." Derek agreed as he pet his head.

"Kristy... It's not really fair." Meredith pointed out as she laid there with closed eyes.

"What's not fair, Mer?" Derek asked as he pulled the covers up as far as he could with Marley laying on them.

"Well... She didn't want kids. We talked about it a lot. She decided that it wasn't for her. She had spent so much of her life not living. And now that she is happy with Mark, she was going to do that. She sacrificed her body for us, and now we are having out own baby. I don't know. I guess I feel like it is a slap in the face for her." Meredith said sleepily.

"Meredith... We did not know. If we had known that this was going to happen... If we knew that you would be able to have a child... Children... We wouldn't have asked her. And we didn't even ask. She offered. Mer, she will understand that. Besides, I think she is having a good time with it. She has Mark running all over. In circles." Derek laughed as he thought about it.

"She does. I actually feel bad for him. I never thought I would feel sorry for Mark, of all people." She pointed out. "But I think he enjoys it too. He has spent his whole life trying to figure out what he is supposed to be doing. He has gone through girl after girl, and now he had her. I think she keeps him happier than I have ever seen him." Meredith said softy.

"I'm glad that we all got there. I'm glad that we made it. We're happy. It's amazing and it was worth all of the pain." Derek told her as he kissed her head.

"It was. It really was worth every second of it." Meredith muttered into his side. "Did you talk to mom?"

"I did. She is so happy. You have no idea. She want on about it forever. You know mom, she loves grandkids. Welcome to the family, now you are just a baby machine." Derek joked.

"I figured as much. But three, I mean who can top three?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"No one I know. Because you are amazing." Derek told her happily.

"Sleep now." Meredith groaned.

"Yes... Sleep now." Derek agreed as she rolled over and he spooned against her.

------------------

They slept all day. Perfectly comfortable in each other's arms, the way it was meant to be. Meredith sat at the kitchen table eating her muesli and bananas. She had never liked muesli. In fact, she hated it. She hated the way it smelled, the way it tasted. She was not a fan. And yet, there she was eating it. She was eating it and enjoying it.

"What the hell are you drinking?" Derek asked as he looked at the cartons on the counter. "Oh god... Is that- Cranberry, orange and grapefruit juice?"

"It is. Do you want to try it?" Meredith asked as she lifted her glass.

"Oh god no." He said, shaking his head. "That is just...wrong."

"It's right. So right. You have no idea how good it is." She moaned as she drank it.

"I think you may be delusional." Derek pointed out with a big nod.

"You may be right." She said with a smile. "I can't believe we are eating breakfast at four in the afternoon.

"Well, that's what happens when you stay in bed all day." Derek told her as he poured his own bowl of muesli.

"Do you regret it? Because I do not..." Meredith said with a big nod. "Holy crap." She moaned as she grabbed her stomach.

"That is what happens when you drink battery acid." Derek said with a chuckle. "You had it coming."

"I did. I so did." Meredith agreed with a smile as she looked at him. "So... Do you think they are home?"

"Who?" Derek asked, unsure of who she was talking about.

"Mark and Kristy." Meredith replied as she chomped her flakes.

"Mark had a cheek implants and a labiaplasty." Derek said with a sigh.

"Oh yay for him." Meredith laughed as she thought about it.

"I'm sure Kristy will be home soon. She will never admit it, but she has been trying to cut back on hours." Derek told her with a nod.

"She is at 19 weeks." Meredith said quickly. "But I- I won't be able to sit home. you know that." She told Derek. A huge smile covered his face. "What?"

Derek shook his head no. But he couldn't help but smile. Before she was sure that the worst was going to happen. Meredith Shepherd was the queen of pessimism. But here she was, talking about pregnancy. She was actually contemplating whether or not she would be taking off work. He couldn't help but smile. He was just too happy.

"No, Mer... You aren't the type to sit home." Derek told her happily. "But carrying twins is no joke." He laughed. "Not at all."

"Hey... I don't need you telling me that. I don't need you telling me that it will be hell!" She says frankly. "It will be good."

"Yes it will, swollen feet and all." He said with a chuckle.

"Why are you being an ass?" Meredith asked with a frown. "You are not being nice, Derek Shepherd."

"I'm teasing you. Besides, I'm sure I will get it back. Ten fold." Derek said with a chuckle.

"I'm sure you will." Meredith agreed as she lifted the bowl and slurped the milk into her mouth. "Mmm..." She said as she sat the bowl down. "We will rename you diaper king!" Meredith said with a smile.

"And I will gladly accept that." Derek told her frankly. "Wow..."

"I know. We will probably want to kill ourselves." Meredith said with a chuckle.

"Probably. But it will be worth it." Derek pointed out.

"It will be." Meredith agreed as she looked into his eyes.

Three babies. She couldn't help but think about it. Three of everything. And she knew that if they were anything like her, they would be trouble. She met Derek at a party and spent her first night with him with her head on his chest. And then she met him for the second time in a bar. She went home with him and had sex. She shook her head as she thought back. She would never change it. But she would be dammed if her kids did that stuff.

Derek sat there and looked at Meredith. He couldn't wait to see his children. He wanted them to have her eyes. Not necessarily the color. But they had to have that sparkle. They had to be expressive. They had to have her tiny nose. The nose that he loved to kiss. He wanted his mini Meredith's. He had wanted them for so long. And now he would. They were so lucky. So truly lucky.

---------------

Being at Mark and Kristy's apartment door was so much different than thinking about being at the apartment door. Meredith could feel her heart beating wildly. She was worried. She was worried about what Kristy would think or feel. Meredith grabbed Derek's hand tightly, a sign that she needed him.

"It will be fine, Mer." Derek said as he looked over at her.

"So... Are you guys going to stand there all day, or are you going to knock?" Mark asked with a chuckle as he walked up.

"What? Oh... Yeah." Meredith said with a giggle as she looked up.

"What the hell are you guys doing? You look nervous." He laughed as he slid his key in the door. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Fine. We just came to talk. To- Both of you. We came to talk to both of you." Derek explained as Mark opened the door.

"What are you guys doing here?" Kristy asked with a smile as she looked up from the food she was cooking. "I had no idea you were coming!"

"Apparently they didn't either." Mark laughed as he got in the refrigerator. "They were standing at the door."

"Why were you standing at the door you silly beans?" Kristy asked as she stirred the pasta sauce.

"We um... We need to talk to you." Derek said quickly as Meredith grabbed his hand.

"Okay." They both said as they dropped everything and looked up seriously.

"Is everything okay?" Kristy asked in a panic.

"We um... Well..." Derek stammered as he looked at her. "Mer is... Mer is pregnant." He finally spat out.

Kristy and Mark stood there in shock. He just said that Meredith was pregnant. Meredith couldn't get pregnant. She wasn't trying. Kristy looked at Meredith in a panic, wondering what would happen. She wondered if her friend was going to fall again. She wondered if they were going to have another loss.

"What do you mean?" Kristy asked in shock.

"Well, I think we all have been noticing changes." Derek pointed out. "And so I convinced her to take a test..."

"My hCG levels were high." Meredith explained with a look of uneasiness. "We weren't trying. It was an accident. It wasn't supposed to happy." Meredith said as she began to tear up. "I'm sorry, Kris. I am so sorry! Don't be mad at me. Please don't be made at me!" Meredith cried out loudly.

"Oh, honey..." Kristy said as she walked over to Meredith. "Why would I be mad?"

"You did this for us, Kris. Both of you did. And Meredith is afraid that you guys will feel used." Derek explained as he looked at them both.

"Meredith... I don't- Kristy and I couldn't be mad about something like that." Mark said quickly.

"This is great, honey. Now we will be going through this together!" Kristy told her exuberantly. "Calm down..." Kristy said as she pulled her close. "This is wonderful. A miracle."

"It is." Mark said as he pulled Meredith into a hug. "And you are okay?"

"Addison gave her a clean bill of health, There is no reason that she can't carry them to term." Derek said with a smile.

"Wait a minute... Them? Two?" Kristy asked in shock.

"Twins." Meredith said with a smile and a nod.

"Oh my god! Twins! This is... This is great!" Kristy said with a huge smile. "We can- Together. We can do everything together!"

"Oh my god..." Mark said as he shook his head.

"Double the cravings." Derek nodded.

"Double the bitchiness." Mark said quickly, receiving two smacks in the arm. "So how far along are you?"

"Nine weeks." Meredith said as she patted her abdomen.

"This is going to be so much fun!" Kristy said happily.

Meredith smiled softly as she placed her hand on her stomach. It really was working out. For the first time in a long time, she was truly believing that. She had Derek and her friends. And three blessings. They would do it. It was looking up. Happily ever after from here on out.


	153. Bavarian Cream and Nacho Cheese

Kristy laid in bed. She knew that Mark was tired. He had a busy day. But she couldn't take it. Her stomach was crying out to her. She needed something and she needed it now. She tried to ignore it. She needed to ignore it. She was tired, Mark was dead to the world. She rolled over and huffed. She realized she wasn't comfortable and rolled over and huffed again.

"What's the matter, baby?" Mark asked as he rolled over sleepily and wrapped his arms around her.

"Nothing." Kristy grumbled as she opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Oh... Okay." Mark muttered as he kissed her on the head and closed his eyes.

"Okay? Okay?" She asked in shock. "Not okay. I thought that was plainly obvious." She growled as she looked up at him.

"But you just said it was fine." Mark said defensively as he opened his eyes and looked into hers. "What's the matter?"

"I'm hungry." Kristy pouted as she stuck out her lip.

"Okay... You're hungry. Go get something to eat. I think we still have some chicken in the refrigerator. And pie. And there are some cookies." He told her with a smile.

"No, you ass!" Kristy spat angrily as she smacked him.

"Whoa! What?" Mark asked as he ducked away. "What would you like, Kristy dear?" He asked ever so sweetly.

"Um... I want... Bavarian cream!" She said with a happy nod.

"Bavarian cream? What the hell is that?" Mark asked as he looked at her.

"Cream. That's what I want, Mark. I want that now." She told him frankly as she pushed him out of the bed.

"Okay." Mark said with a nod.

He was her little slave boy. That was how he was feeling. This was the fifth time this week. She had him going out and getting crazy concoctions all week long. He quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. What the hell was bavarian cream, and where does one get it?

"I don't want it in a donut, Mark." She said frankly. "Fresh."

"Okay, baby." He responded as he looked over at her.

Mark was frustrated. She didn't want it in a donut. She wanted it fresh. Fan-freaking-tastic. He was mad. He looked at the clock. It was one am. It wasn't the hour to be searching out bavarian cream. He grumbled as he walked into the kitchen. He had enough. He was pushed to the edge. This was Derek's kid... He could help deal with it.

Meredith laid back in the bed. She was hungry. Nacho cheese. She wanted nacho cheese. But not just any. She wanted the stuff from Taco Bell. It was just spicy enough and cheesy. That was what she wanted. She closed her eyes and ignored her craving as she tried to fall asleep. She heard the phone right loudly.

"Uh... Hello?" Derek moaned as he put the phone to his ear.

"Hey... I need your help." Mark said quickly.

"Mark! It's one am!" Derek growled loudly as he opened his eyes and looked at the clock.

"Yeah... I know. And your incubator has me up." Mark spat loudly.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked angrily.

"She wants bavarian cream." Mark said quickly.

"Bavarian cream... What the hell is that?" Derek asked quickly.

"Oh! Bavarian cream..." Meredith said with a grin. "The stuff that's in donuts. Creamy and sweet. Mmm... That sounds good!" Meredith said with a big nod.

"The shit that is in donuts?" Derek asked quickly.

"Yeah... That's it. So it's on you, man." Mark said frankly. "Your kid."

"No... Not on me. I am not going out at one am for cream!" Derek growled as he closed his eyes.

"I want nacho cheese. Taco Bell nacho cheese. And not the chips. Just the cheese, like soup." Meredith explained happily.

"Fuck... Mer wants nacho cheese." Derek told Mark.

"What? Nacho cheese... Shit. That is nothing." Mark said with a laugh. "I would do anything to have that request."

"And bavarian cream!" Meredith agreed as she looked over at Derek.

"I want nacho cheese too!" Kristy said happily.

"Both. She wants both." Derek told Mark as he looked up.

"Yeah.. So does Kristy. You get the bavarian cream and I'll get the nacho cheese." Mark says happily.

"What? No. Besides, you'll never find that shit." Derek tells him.

"Fuck, man. I have doing this shit all week. It's not even my kid!" Mark said nastily.

"First surgery gets the cheese." Derek says quickly.

"Ten." Mark tells him, his time.

"Mine's at seven thirty. Have fun with the cream. I'll meet you at your apartment." Derek said as he hung up.

"Fucker." Mark spat. He was never going to have kids. Never.

Mark got out the phone book. He was praying that he could find something. Anything. He looked. What the hell should he look under, he wondered. Bavaria. Maybe he should fly to Bavaria. Surely that would be her next request. I want cacao from South America. A freaking pasty from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Or quit possibly, a bratwurst from Germany. He looked through everything. He called every bakery. This woman should be shot. He finally grabbed out his laptop.

After a long search he found something out. It was something he didn't want to find out. He could make it. He could make the bavarian cream. He drew in a deep breath. Derek really was an asshole. All he had to do was buy some cheese. Mark had to play pastry chef in his kitchen at one am. He started looking at the ingredients.

He looked through the cabinets. Vanilla bean, heavy cream, powdered gelatin, tablespoons milk, sugar, eggs, whipped cream. Miraculously, they had it all. He had no idea how. Kristy loved to bake and cook, and at the moment, Mark was thanking god that she did.

Mark looked at his laptop and followed the directions. Put the vanilla bean in cream and slowly bring to a boil. Turn off heat and let sit for one hour. An hour? An hour? That was shit. Who the hell had time for that? He did as it said and grumbled, wondering where Derek was. He waited the hour and then removed the bean and scraped out seeds, added them to the cream and discarded the pod. Next he had to sprinkle the gelatin into the milk and it set aside. He angrily followed the recipe, wiping his hands on the womanly apron he was wearing. Whisk the sugar and egg yolks together. Did that. Warm the cream mixture back up and slowly whisk into eggs. Easy. Place mixture over simmering water and stir until it is thick enough to coat the back of a wooden spoon. Coating. Remove from heat and add milk and gelatin mixture. Place bowl in ice bath and stir until at room temperature.

Then he got to the next part. Fold in whipped cream and pour mixture into 6 ramekins. What the hell was a ramekin? He quickly pulled out his laptop and did an image search. They had those. He nodded happily as he looked and found them. And then he got to the end. Place in refrigerator for four to five hours or until mixture is set. That was it. He threw everything down and rubbed his head. By that time, everyone would be up. This was bullshit, plain and simple.

Derek sleepily pulled on a pair of pants. He did not regret starting a family, but there was much said to thinking before acting. And he would definitely point out to any dumb ass that sticking your cock in could definitely get you into a mess of trouble. But she was worth it. His Meredith was more than worth it.

Derek drove down the road towards the nearest Taco Bell. This was a simple mission. He would drive up, tell them he wanted a container of their cheese, give them the money and then drive off. Simple. Easy as pie. Easy as pie, he never got that. What exactly did that mean.

"Welcome to Taco Bell, can I take your order?" The man said as Derek pulled up.

"Uh... Yeah. I need to buy a container of your nacho cheese." Derek told him quickly.

"Excuse me, sir?" The man asked as talked to Derek.

"Cheese. You know, the stuff on your nachos. I need that." Derek explained simply.

"Oh... So you want an order of nachos. Regular or supreme?" The man asked quickly.

"No. I don't want nachos. I just want the cheese." Derek grumbled. "I know you get it in bulk. I just want one container."

"So you don't want nachos?" The man questioned loudly.

"No. Cheese. Just cheese. A lot of cheese!" Derek explained.

"Okay. You want cheese. Uh... Like the big tub it comes in?" The man asked, finally catching on.

"Exactly!" Derek said with relief. "That is what I need."

"Oh. We can't do that." The man said frankly.

"What do you mean, you can't do that?" Derek asked quickly.

"We can't sell that. I can only sell what is on the menu." The man told him.

"Look. I just need this damn cheese. Please sell me the cheese." Derek begged as he sat there.

"I can't do that, Sir. I have no way to do it." He explained.

"Where is your manager?" Derek asked frankly.

"Um... Probably sleeping." The man said as he looked at the clock.

"Can you call the manager?" Derek asked him in desperation.

"I can not." The man said. "It's almost two am."

"Do you think I don't know that?" Derek asked frankly.

"Would you like to order something, sir?" The man asked, definitely getting irritated.

"Hw does the cheese come with the nachos?" Derek asked.

"In a container. On on the supreme on the nachos." The man told him.

"How big is the container?" Derek questioned as he laid his head back. "How much cheese is in it?"

"Two pumps. Maybe a big spoonful." The man explained as he looked at it.

"Okay. I need sixty of those." Derek told him as he sighed.

"Sixty! Okay... Sixty orders of nachos." The man said as he ran it up.

"No. Just the cheese. In the containers." Derek told him. "No chips."

"I can't do that, sir. I have to give you all of it." The man told him.

"Fine!" Derek growled as he pulled around. Derek handed the man seven ten dollar bills and shook his head.

"You sure need a lot of cheese." The man said as he began handing Derek bags.

"Do yourself a favor... Use protection when you fuck. Unless you want to do this." Derek said as he shook his head in disgust.

Derek couldn't believe these women had them doing this. He couldn't help but laugh. He quickly drove the distance to Mark's. He was sure Mark was laughing is ass off. Surely he had the better task. Derek pulled into a parking spot and ran up to the door. As he turned the handle, it opened.

"Sexy..." Derek laughed as he looked at Mark.

"Fuck you, man." Mark spat as he pulled the apron off.

"You had to make it?" Derek asked in shock.

"Did you really think I would be able to find it?" Mark asked in disgust. "The shit has to sit in the refrigerator for four hours." Mark said frankly.

"Put it in the freezer." Derek said as he looked over.

"Good idea." Mark agreed. "You know... I am never doing this again."

"For good reason." Derek agreed as he began scraping cheese out of the tiny containers and into a big one. He threw all the chips in a bag.

They waited as long as they could. Neither wanted anything to do with bavarian cream or nacho cheese. In fact, the idea of eating it made them both sick. They separated the food in half, one for each woman. Mark shook his head. Neither man could talk. They were both in disgust.

Mark walked into their room with the bavarian cream and cheese. Kristy was sound asleep. He walked over with the tray and sat it on the bed. After a little coaxing, Kristy sat up in the bed and smile.

"Oh! Thank you!" She said as she accepted it graciously. "Mmm... Where did you get this? It's fabulous..." She told him as she took a bite of the cream.

"You have no idea." Mark laughed as he laid down beside her. "Goodnight."

Derek walked into the dark house. He could hear the snoring of both his wife and his dog. He walked into their room with the bag and flipped the light on. Meredith grumbled as it hit her face and she quickly opened her eyes.

"Here you go." Derek said as he handed it to her. "Goodnight." He told her as he laid down.

Meredith just looked over at him. He was in a sour mood. She had no idea why. She shrugged as she mixed the bavarian cream and the nacho cheese together, then spooned it up. If either of the men stayed awake to see how their women consumed their masterpieces, those woman would be dead.


	154. Getting Ready

Meredith sat in her kitchen. Derek had surgery early in the morning, and now it was just she and Marley. And the babies. She was finally getting to where she was thinking about them. She would place her hand on her tiny bump and talk softly to them. She was in too deep. She was to the point where if something happened to them, she wouldn't pull through.

Meredith ate her english muffin with cream cheese and blackberry preserves. That was the way she liked them these days. She grabbed the newspaper and began reading the comics. She didn't like reading the news. Maybe it made her stupid. Or oblivious. But she liked to live in a cloud of happiness and she was happy there. She needed to be there.

Kristy sat back on the sofa. She was getting big. Twenty weeks. She was starting to feel like a cow. She flipped on the t.v. and moaned. She thought she had it bad, but Meredith would be having it twice as bad. She was already feeling sorry for her friend. Especially since she would have a small baby at home, when she gave birth. She picked up the phone, wondering if Meredith was home.

"Hello?" Meredith answered as she held the phone to her ear.

"Hey you... How are you feeling?" Kristy asked happily.

"Good. What about you?" Meredith asked as she took a quick bite.

"Bored. I am so bored. And Mark doesn't let me do anything. Work. And he's having a fit about that." Kristy said with a sigh.

"It's probably Derek feeding his head full of nonsense. You know how Derek is." Meredith pointed out as she drank her juice and patted Marley on the head. "No begging, Mar. We don't do that." She whispered softly.

"So... What are you doing today?" Kristy asked, praying that they could get together.

"Uh... Nothing. I don't think. I mean, Derek might want to go dinner later, but today I'm free. I should clean the house. But then again, I'm not you, Suzy Homemaker." Meredith joked happily. "Why?"

"Well, I was thinking maybe we could do some shopping or lunch or something." Kristy suggested to her.

"Oh. That could be fun. Sounds like a plan. Do you want me to come get you?" Meredith questioned as she stood from the table and placed her plate in the sink.

"No. I'll pick you up. Be ready in an hour." Kristy explained as she started to get ready.

"Sounds good. See you in and hour." Meredith said happily before she hung up. "Well, Marley... I tools like mommy is leaving for the day. Are you going to be okay here in this big house all by yourself?" She asked softly.

Meredith sat in the living room and waited. She wanted to get out for the day. She and Kristy hadn't had time to do anything. Marley ran over and jumped on her lap. She was beginning to wonder just what was going to happen when the babies came to the house. Marley was just too attached to her. She didn't want there to be a jealousy factor.

"Okay, Mar. Kristy's here. I have to go now. You take a long nap and be a good boy, okay?" She asked as she gave him a kiss and grabbed her purse. Meredith walked up to Kristy's car and climbed into the passenger seat.

"Hey." Kristy said as Meredith shut her door and put her seat belt on.

"So where are we off to?" Meredith asked as Kristy pulled from the driveway.

"Um... I thought we would check out Village Maternity." Kristy said as she began to drive.

"Okay. Sounds good. You are uh... Looking like you need things!" Meredith said as she looked at her stomach. Just as Kristy hit the end of the driveway, she slammed on the brakes.

"Oh my god! What's wrong?" Meredith asked as she looked over in a panic.

Kristy was in shock. She could feel it. The baby was kicking. She quickly grabbed Meredith's hand and pressed it into her stomach. Meredith's eye got wide when she realized that her unborn child was kicking and happy. Kristy watched as the tears began to pour from Meredith's eyes.

"That's my baby..." Meredith whimpered as she felt the tiny flutters.

"It is... It's amazing." Kristy agreed as she put the car in park and they sat there.

Meredith had been worried. She knew it would be okay. But in the back of the head, she always had that doubt. And now she was feeling the baby alive and well. The feelings that came over her in that car were amazing. She felt a little sad, realizing she wasn't feeling the kicks of her first child in her own stomach. But all that mattered was the baby. They would have their baby. Meredith wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled at Kristy. It was a blessing.

-----------------

Kristy pulled into a parking spot at Village Maternity. She needed a few new shirts, but she was really there for Meredith. She was hoping to jump start Meredith into feeling confident about the pregnancy. Not to mention, Meredith was going to be getting quite large, quite fast.

"So what do you need?" Meredith asked as she grabbed her purse.

"I just need a few tops. It's you who needs things." Kristy said with a smile.

"I don't need a thing. Look at me! I'm not even in maternity clothes!" Meredith said as she looked up.

"Way to rub it in!" Kristy joked as she looked at her. "But don't worry... You will be huge."

"Will not." Meredith mocked as she looked at her.

"He he... You have no idea. Did you ever ask Derek how much he weighed when he was born? What about his sisters?" Kristy asked as she laughed heartily.

"No. Why?" Meredith questioned with concern more than apparent in her voice.

"Well... Derek was well over ten pounds. They all were." Kristy said with a nod and a smile.

"Oh no..." Meredith moaned as she put her hand on her stomach.

"How much did you weigh when you were born?" Kristy asked as she looked over and opened the door.

"Eight pounds, twelve ounces." Meredith winced as she walked in.

"Good luck, honey... You will need maternity clothes." Kristy said with a big nod.

"I don't like you right now." Meredith grumbled as they started looking around.

Meredith looked through the clothes. She was actually looking forward to getting huge with Derek's children inside of her. She looked at the pretty dresses. She was impressed, she could still look sexy even when she grew to the size of a house. She picked up a black dress and handed it to Kristy. She was feeling stupid looking when she was barely even showing.

Meredith snatched up a Japanese Weekend top and a Olian dress. Everything was so beautiful. A smile covered her face when she saw the funny tops. She loved those. She snatched up ones that said We're hungry; What's kicking; Bigger is Better, Baby Under Construction and Babyfat. She picked out one for Kristy that had a a martini, sushi and a cigarette on it with circles and slashes. Kristy looked up as Meredith held it out.

"In case you forget what you can't have." Meredith said with a smile.

"Like I could forget!" Kristy said with a smile as she threw one at Meredith. "You need that one!"

"Hot mama?" Meredith laughed as she held it up.

"Hell yes... Have you seen yourself?" Kristy asked with a big nod.

"Funny." Meredith said as she shook her head.

They both looked around, shopping happily. Before they knew it, they both had handfuls of clothing and items. Meredith grabbed everything out of Kristy's hand and placed it on the counter. She nodded at the woman as she began ringing things up.

"So how far along are you?" The woman asked Kristy as she looked at her abdomen.

"Twenty weeks." Kristy told her with a smile.

"Congratulations." The woman said with a smile.

It stung Meredith a little. She would never admit it, but she was hurt. The woman was congratulating Kristy, and that was her baby in there. She wished that she could have gotten pregnant and kept the first baby. She appreciated Kristy doing what she did, but at the moment, she couldn't help but feel left out.

"Congratulate her." Kristy said as she pointed at Meredith. "She's the mama. And she had two in her own tummy."

"Wow." The woman said, somewhat in shock. "I'm sorry, I just assumed."

"It's not a big deal." Meredith said with a faint smile. "Really, it isn't."

"So that will be like having triplets." The woman said in shock.

"Essentially." Meredith said with a laugh. "Fertility issues." Meredith explained, feeling like she had to.

"I see. Well, congratulations. It's a great feeling, becoming a mother." The woman said as she spat out a total.

"Mer! I can get mine." Kristy said quickly as she grabbed out cash.

"Nonsense. You need those because of me. I have it." Meredith said with a smile.

"Mer..." Kristy said quickly.

"Kris..." Meredith mocked as she looked up. "Hell, I'm married to a brain surgeon. Why don't we got some spun gold tops too." Meredith joked happily.

"Thanks, Mer... But really it was unnecessary." Kristy said simply.

"Hey... You have my baby in there. Let me decide that." Meredith told her happily as she signed the slip.

Meredith and Kristy happily drove along. Kristy didn't want to tell Meredith where they were going next. She didn't want to tell her that they were going to a baby store. Kristy wanted to get things for Meredith's baby. She wanted Meredith to be able to get ready. She knew how it went before, and she knew that it may upset Meredith, but she wanted to take the chance.

"Tottini... What are we doing here?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Your babies will need things." Kristy said as she put the car in park and opened her door.

"Later. They will need things later, Kris. Not now." Meredith said as she sat there.

"Mer... Come on." Kristy said as she climbed out of the car and shut the door. When Meredith didn't come around, Kristy walked to her side of the car and opened her door. "Come on..."

"Kris..." Meredith said as she began to whimper.

"Mer.. We can do this." Kristy said with a smile as she grabbed her hands

"I don't want to. Last time... Last time." Meredith said sadly.

"Not this time, Mer. Last time was last time. This is now. And now, you are fine. Come on, sweetie." Kristy said as she pulled her into a soft hug and dragged her inside.

Meredith felt her chest tighten up and she walked in. She almost felt superstitious about it. She felt like coming in here was surly going to kill her babies. Kristy gave her a look and Meredith let out a sigh. She was right. This was nothing. The babies would need things. And coming into a boutique didn't mean anything. Meredith started looked around nervously, but she had to do it.

Kristy grabbed a Baby Silk baby basics bath set. She wanted to initiate Meredith. She wanted to make her feel at ease about everything. Kristy smiled at the cute things as she looked around. She looked up at Meredith, who was starting to relax and look around. Meredith grabbed a duck bath water thermometer. Meredith wasn't ready to buy everything. She wanted Derek with her, but as she walked around, things were feeling better.

"What is that?" Meredith asked as she looked at the bath set in Kristy's hands.

"For babies." Kristy said as she walked up to the register and grabbed the duck out of Meredith's hand. "Don't even... I am their aunt. And I am going to spoil them."

"Between you and Derek... I don't have a chance. I am going to have monster children." Meredith said with a big nod.

"Most likely." Kristy agreed as she handed over the money and the woman handed her the bag.

"Thanks, Kris. I did- I needed to go." Meredith said as she walked out.

"I know you did, Sweetie. It's going to be okay this time... It will be...I'm sure." Kristy said with a smile. Meredith looked up at her. She was right.


	155. The Need

Meredith stood at the door of her patient and rubbed her neck. Her feet and her neck were killing her. She was tired. She felt so foolish. She was twelve weeks along and she was feeling huge. She was already feeling pregnant. She would never admit it. She knew if she did, Derek would laugh his ass off at her. Meredith stood there with the chart and sighed as she looked down.

"Hello, Mr. Campbell." Meredith said with a smile as she walked in. "Are you ready for this today?"

"As ready as I will ever be." He said with a chuckle as he looked up. "I'm not really crazy about you running a drill through me."

"I'd imagine you aren't. I have done it on several occasions and you really have nothing to worry about." Meredith told him with a nod. "Dr. Carter." Meredith said with a nod, telling him she wanted one of his interns to explain what she was going to do.

"Dr. Carle." Danny Carter said with a nod as he looked at his intern.

"Mr. Campbell is in for a rotational atherectomy. In this procedure, the catheter, which is inserted into the artery in your groin and gently guided by X-ray to the coronary artery that is blocked, has a diamond burr on its leading end. This burr is rotated rapidly at the site of the blockage to sand away the plaque. This sanding causes the plaque to be broken down into microscopic particles that pass into the bloodstream and are removed from your body. Rotational atherectomy opens your artery and allows blood to pass more freely through the vessel. Like regular atherectomy, rotational atherectomy is usually reserved for blood vessel blockages with specific characteristics." He said with a smile.

"Thank you, Dr. Carle." Meredith said with a smile as she looked at him.

"He makes it sound so pleasant. A diamond burr rotating it's way through. Awesome, doc." He said with a chuckle.

"It's not as bad at it sounds. We will give you something to sedate you. It should take around two hours." Meredith said with a nod as she looked at him. "Any questions?"

"None." He said with a faint smile as he looked up.

"Good. I will see you in there." She said with a smile as she turned and walked away.

Meredith let out a yawn as she walked into the hallway. She couldn't wait to get to her warm bed with her even warmer husband. And her dog. The dog was a great addition to their family. Just as Meredith made her way to check on a patient, she looked up and saw Derek.

"Hey." He said as he stopped and gave her a soft kiss. "How are we all today?" He asked as he put his hand on her stomach.

"We're all great." She told him with a smile. "I have a rotational atherectomy in a few minutes."

"That sounds like fun." Derek told her with a chuckle. "I need to round on my post-ops and then I am done."

"Lucky you." Meredith told him frankly.

"You love the hospital." Derek pointed out as he rubbed her back.

"I do. I really do. But right now, I am tired. And tonight, I want dinner. What are you making?" She asked with a laugh.

"What do you want?" Derek asked as he looked into her green eyes.

"Hmm... Meatloaf." Meredith told him. "Meatloaf, corn and mashed potatoes."

"You know I am not a cook, right?" He asked with a chuckle.

"Close enough. I think we would both rather have what you cooked than what I cooked." She said with a sigh. "Our poor kids... They have no idea."

"You will get better." Derek told her with a smile. "Do we have everything at home that we need?"

"I have no idea." Meredith said with a sigh. "The only cabinet I have looked in is the junk food cabinet." Meredith admitted as she shook her head.

"You have been hitting the candy bars pretty good." Derek said as he rubbed her shoulder. "I guess I will do some grocery shopping before I go home."

"I guess you will. You know how much I love to go grocery shopping." Meredith said with a giggle.

"I don't know what I am going to do with you, Meredith Shepherd." Derek told her with a frown.

"Well, if you were looking for a housewife, you quit looking too soon. Well, actually you should have just stopped looking. Kristy fit that mold perfectly." Meredith stated with a grin.

"Well, lucky for me, I wasn't looking for a housewife. I was looking for my soulmate." Derek said with a smile.

"Oh Derek... You are so pathetic." Meredith said with a giggle.

"Pathetically in love with you." He said as he leaned in and kissed her. "I will see you at home, okay?"

"Of course." Meredith replied happily. "And my food better be ready for me when I get there."

Meredith walked off. Derek couldn't help but smile. Soon enough, she would we waddling off. He couldn't wait for her to get huge and pregnant. He couldn't wait until the day when he could feeling his children moving around in her. Feeling the baby in Kristy kick was amazing. But feeling them in Meredith, he knew that would be a different thing completely.

----------------------

Meredith pulled her Volvo into her spot in the garage. Their garage needed some clutter. She had to laugh. Right now it was so clean and perfect. Soon enough, it wouldn't be clean and perfect anymore. Soon enough, if would be full of toys and mess. Soon enough, their lives would be changing. But she knew, it was for the better. It really was.

"Hey." Meredith said with a smile as she walked in and sat her keys and purse down.

"Hey... Dinner is almost ready. Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he pulled the meatloaf out of the oven.

"I am starving." Meredith told him with a big nod and a smile. "You have no idea."

"I hope you ate lunch today." Derek grumbled as he placed the mashed potatoes into a bowl and walked it to the table.

"I had a half a sandwich. I conned one of the interns into getting me one." Meredith told him quickly. "I don't have time to do anything."

"You really have to make a conscious effort to eat, Mer." Derek told her as he placed their plates on the table.

"I do. Today I just- It was one thing after another." Meredith said with a frown.

"Well, apparently, Kristy is not having a problem eating." Derek told Meredith as he looked up. "Mark says he can't keep enough food in the house for her. She is up and down all night eating. She gained a few more pounds."

"Oh no... We created a monster." Meredith said with a giggle.

"I think we did. But we really do have to keep track of her. The baby needs her to be healthy." Derek said as he poured her a glass of water.

"Oh, Derek. She is fine. Let her be." Meredith warned him. "God... I thought I was the bad one."

"I just want to make sure everything is good." Derek told her with a nod. "Our baby needs a healthy environment."

"And it has that. It's afterward. After it is born. That is when it will be in trouble. Once it is stuck being raised by us." Meredith laughed as she sat down at the table with Derek. Meredith grabbed a big bite of her meatloaf. "Oh wow... You stay home. From now on, you just stay here and cook for me."

"If that is what you want." Derek said with a grin as he tasted his food and smiled. It was good.

"Oh yeah... Like you would make it. You can barely make it a week out of the operating room." Meredith told him as she scooped her potatoes.

"I'd say that is a bit like the pot calling the kettle black." Derek told her with a nod.

"That could be true, Dr. Shepherd. So true." Meredith agreed as she took another bite.

"I'm just not sure what you will do, Mer." Derek pointed out. "Especially when you are on bed rest."

"Bed rest? Who said anything about bed rest?" Meredith asked in shock.

"Oh, honey... At your size and two babies... I think it's a given." Derek told her quickly. "Not to mention, we are not going to stress your back. You will need to be on bed rest. Probably six weeks."

"Why would you say that shit? I don't think so. I'm going to work right up to the due date. When you quit being active, that is when the problems start." Meredith told him.

"Okay, honey. Okay. You think what you want." Derek told her with a smile.

"Don't ridicule me, Der... Don't do it." She laughed as she looked up at him.

"Okay, honey." Derek said with a mocking smile. "I would never do that."

Derek looked across the table at his wife. He was happy. She was happy. They had three babies on the way. As he looked around, he had to chuckle to himself. She had no idea what was to come. No idea at all. Three babies all at once. He knew what it would be. One dirty diaper, one crying, and one spitting up, all at once. They would have a good time. And she had no idea.

--------------------

Meredith laid her head back on the pillow. Derek was asleep. Sound asleep. And she wanted sex. She needed sex. And she decided, she was going to get it. Meredith looked over at him and quickly slid her pants off of her body. Next went her panties. She shimmied out of her shirt and tossed it aside. She was getting him... Even if he wasn't.

"Der..." Meredith moaned as she kissed his neck.

"Mmm...Hmmm?" Derek asked as he opened his eyes.

"I need sex." She said as she straddled his clothed body. "I need to now." She said as she rocked her hips, stimulating his cock.

"Oh..." Derek moaned, trying to wake up. "Whoa... Shit, Mer." He gasped as he looked up at her naked body. "You weren't kidding."

"I was not." She said as she leaned down and kissed him softly.

Derek leaned forward, his mouth trailing from her soft lips to the crook of her neck. He sucked and nipped gently on her soft flesh, tasting is perfect sweetness, a mixture of flowers and her. The lavender. He loved the taste of her lavender soft skin. He smiled as she moaned softly. Derek looked up to see her eyes closed and a soft smile on her face. Meredith opened her eyes and looked into his.

"I want you..." She said softly as she ran her hands over his chest.

"And you can have me..." He responded with a soft kiss. She smiled as he ran his hand down her back, curving her hips and gripping tightly. She gently grabbed his cock and placed it inside of her. She moaned as he penetrated deep inside, filling a void that could only be filled by the thickness of him. She paused as he looked into his eyes. A soft smile played upon her lips as she felt them as mesh as one.

"Derek..." She muttered as he ran his hands along her back. "Oh god...Derek." A smile formed as she rocked on him. Derek laid back and squeezed her ass she she bounced around on his cock. Her swollen breasts bounced and swayed as she rode him hard. Her nipples turned into sharp points. Just pleasure. Just desire. Just passion. Bouncing. Sliding. Pushing. Pumping. A horny pregnant woman, getting her way.

"Oh god...Mer...oh god..." He moaned as he felt her begin to tighten around her. They meshed so perfectly. It felt so great.

"Harder...deeper..." She moaned as he thrust upwards harder and harder, watching her face. Looking into her eyes.

"Oh...God...I'm..." He moaned as he felt his orgasm taking over, feeling her tighten her muscles around him, clamping down. He felt himself released, pouring himself, filling her.

"Derek...I...oh...wow..." She moaned as her eyes fluttered.

Meredith felt herself release. Their fluids mixed as Meredith collapsed breathlessly on top of of him. She laid her head on his chest as they stayed connected, physically and emotionally. They shared so much. More than anyone would ever know. Meredith laid quietly on top of him, looking into his eyes. After awhile, she looked up and smiled.

"More..." She smiled as she kissed his chest.

"Holy shit." Derek said in shock.

"I need it..." She whined. "You want me, don't you?" She whispered as her hot breath grazed his lips.

"Oh fuck yes. I want to feel your hot little pussy on my mouth." He groaned as he nodded and her lips crashed onto his. He could feel her her hot pussy resting on his chest, their mixed fluid still dripping from her core.

"Up here." He moaned as he motioned to her. "On your knees. Above me." Meredith got on her knees so that her dripping pussy was directly above his face. She felt his tongue reach up inside of her and play with her labia.

"Oh Der... Oh Der..." She moaned as his tongue ran the length of her wet slit. Derek flicked her clit over and over with the tip of his tongue. He sucked her gently before delving her tongue deep into her core. "More... More!" She cried out as she ground her hips on his face.

"Cum for me, Mer. Come on, baby. Cum for me." He said deeply.

"Oh god. Oh god!" She shouted as she started to cum. She tightened around his tongue, strangling it. She pulsated, tightening and releasing. Derek sucked her fluids happily as she rolled her head back and moaned. She slowly slid back and off of him.

"Thank you. I needed that." She giggled softly as she looked at him. She laid beside him and rested her head on him.

"You are very welcome, baby." Derek laughed as he rubbed her head. "I love you..." He muttered softly.

"I love you more." She said as she kissed his chest. "So much more!"

**This is going to be a rough week for updates... I am super busy. Sorry!**


	156. Save Penis First

Derek stood at the nurses station with a chart. He was tired. Tired didn't even begin to explain what he was. It was exhaustion. Meredith was killing him. She was sucking the life out of him, through his penis. Just as he scribbled his last note and began planning his escape, she came up. He could smell her sweet flowery scent. He could feel her slender fingers. He knew her. And at the moment, his penis was in fear.

"Hey." Meredith said seductively into his ear.

"Oh. Hey." Derek said as he spun around and looked at her.

"So... What are you up to?" Meredith asked as she played with his scrub pant strings.

"Whoa... What are you doing?" He asked in shock as he watched her. "You can't do that here. Damn-it Mer..."

"God, Derek." Meredith said with a frown. "I was just... Sorry." She muttered. "So do you want to meet me in the on-call room? Say... In five minutes?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Uh... Yeah. Okay." Derek hesitantly agreed as he looked at her.

"See you in a few." Meredith said with a smile as she walked away.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't. His body couldn't take it again. As he stood there, he tried to psych himself up. He tried to make his flaccid cock wake up. It couldn't wake up. It was dead. So dead. He walked towards the room with his head down, praying for an emergency call.

Just as Derek made it up to the room, he turned away. He couldn't do it. He couldn't make himself go in there. He couldn't put his body through the pain. Derek spun around and looked at the clock. Lunch time. He had a few minutes to get a lunch and find a place to hide.

When you are feeling guilty, you are paranoid. Derek was definitely feeling it. He was sure she was around every corner. The sad reality was, she was waiting in that room. Waiting most likely naked. Waiting for a man that wasn't coming either way. He went into the cafeteria and through the line like his ass was on fire. He wasn't even sure what he was going to tell her. At the moment, he didn't even care. He just wanted to find a safe place to hide.

Mark was happy to be in the operating room. He was elated. It wasn't because of the usual surgery high. It was because he was away from her. She was driving him crazy. He would never admit it, but it was try. He had more than enough of her. More than he could take. He was away from the moodiness. He was away from the eating. And the sex. He was away from that. For the first time in his life, Mark Sloan did not want sex. He was a known man whore that would sleep with anyone at anytime. And now, he was wishing he could never do it again. But thankfully, wishes don't always come true. If they did, he was in trouble.

Mark walked in the scrub room and washed his hands. His surgery went well, and he was feeling his ego grow as he stood there. He knew he was the best. There was no question about it. People told him that all of the time. Just as he grabbed a paper towel and began drying his hands, the door opened. He looked up in a panic. It was her. It was one one. The one that brought him pain and pleasure. Instead of a smile covering his face, it was a frown. A definite frown.

"So... I was thinking supply closet. But then I decided that I really need to lay down. So it looks like on-call room. So I'm thinking now... Right now." Kristy said with a nod.

"Oh." Mark said as he looked down. "I have uh- I uh... I have a patient." Mark said as he threw the paper towel in the trash.

"Well... Can't they wait?" Kristy whined as she looked up.

"No, Kris." Mark told her firmly. His imaginary patient could not wait. Not right now.

"Okay. Well, that should only take a few minutes. I'll be in the on-call room. See you in few." Kristy said with a smile.

"I- This patient might take awhile." Mark lied with a sigh. "I'll find you..."

"Okay." Kristy said with a frown and she turned and walked away, definitely hurt.

Mark felt bad as he walked away. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it. He walked towards the patient's rooms and then made a quick turn, walking towards the cafeteria. He couldn't keep up with Kristy's insatiable need for sex. In fact, he couldn't keep up with any of her needs. He quickly made it through the line and decided that he had to hide from her. Somewhere she couldn't find him.

Just as Mark made it to the basement, he looked up to see Derek sitting on a gurney. He couldn't help but laugh. He had no idea why he was down there. He was hoping that he wasn't waiting for Meredith, which would lead Kristy to him, or worse, let Kristy know he was hiding. As he walked to the gurney, he looked at Derek's broken face.

Two men, broken down by women for the right reasons. They couldn't help themselves. They had no control. Hormones were surging through them. Everything was out of control. And It was all Derek's fault. Damn Derek and his need to spread his seeds throughout. Damn Derek. Damn him.

"What the hell are you doing down here?" He asked in shock as he looked up.

"Hiding. You didn't- She doesn't know you were coming here, right?" Derek asked as he looked around nervously.

"Mer? No... I haven't seen her. Kristy doesn't know, right?" Mark asked quickly, ready for plan b, the roof in the rain.

"Hell no, that would lead Mer down here. I am not taking that risk." Derek said frankly as he took a bite of his sandwich.

Mark sighed relief. Derek was hiding too. They were in this together. Two men suffering for the same reasons. Mark was thankful that for the time being, Kristy wouldn't be able to find him and he could get some relief. When Kristy had told him she was going to do this for the two of the, he never thought it would be like that.

"You too?" Mark asked with a chuckle.

"Yes. You have no idea, man. No idea." Derek said with a frown.

"No. I think I do. You're a real bastard, man. You are an asshole." Mark growled and then laughed.

"Me? Why?" Derek asked as he looked at him.

"I can't take it. First she wants cookies. Then cake. Then chicken. And then some crazy shit. I look at her and... She is a pig. I mean it. A pig. She shovels it in. And I can almost handle that. And then starts the moodiness. She is angry and achy. Then whiney and needy. And that, I can deal with. You know me. I can do anything. I can fuck anyone. That is the problem. I can't fuck. I can't. She is killing me. It never ends. I feel like I am being attacked. I am being attacked. She is everywhere. I hear the bathroom door open, and it's her. She is in satiable. I haven't lost my drive, I just-" Mark continued as Derek cut it.

"It hurts." Derek said frankly.

"It does." Mark agreed with a frown.

"It fucking hurts. I go to take a piss, and I don't touch it. Not if I don't have to. I let it hang. I never knew you could strain your dick, but I have. I have, and I am a step away from pissing sitting down so it can just hang without pissing on my leg. The woman is killing me. And what's worse, the friction. There is friction. Even when she is wet. Friction. I can't even look at it. I'm afraid of what she is done. Permanent damage. It's- I can't do it again. Fuck... I can't." Derek told him as he shook his head.

"Ha. Derek Shepherd doesn't want sex. I thought you were the man of steel. Used and abused and loving it. Look at the cabin. You were putting the time on your cock there." Mark pointed.

"That was different. This- It never ends. This is Mer we are talking about. This is the longest stint of fucking I have ever had. I haven't had a free day in so long. I just need a free day. My dick is going to fall off, Mark." Derek whined as he looked down.

"Well, you are not alone. The fucking is- Kris never stops. She never cared and now. Too much of a good thing... It's not a good thing. It fucking sucks. It fucking- It's bad. And I have to hide it. I want to save it from her. And then it's not like she is normal. I am fucking a woman with your kid inside if her. And that is fine. But I am fucking her, and she is fine, and them wham! The moodiness comes in. Holy shit." Mark pointed out.

"This is Kristy." Derek laughed. "I will have it worse. Ten fold. Remember Lola?" Derek asked frankly.

"You are a dead man, Shep. And if they don't kill you... I think I might. I have never had cock burn in my life." Mark told him as he covered his sandwich. "I can't even eat. This is my life." He said as he looked down at his penis. "He will never rise again. And I don't blame him. I really don't.

"It's not just the cock. My balls too. They have shot so many loads, they just hang. I mean hang. Like they are dead. I will be impotent." Derek said quickly.

"Serves you right. You deserve to be impotent. You deserve a lot worse. You are lucky this is you. If anyone else knew about this..." Mark said with a frown. "Mark Sloan doesn't get cock burn."

"Hey. At least you got a rubber. I'm going commando. I can't offend her. But my guy needs a protective layer." Derek said quickly. "He needs it..."

"I'm not using a rubber." Mark said with a chuckle.

"What?" Derek asked in shock. "You are- You can't do that. You can't get your junk in there with my kid. I know where your cock has been. I'd rather stick my dick in a bio-hazard container full of junkie needles. And now you are spraying your junk in there." Derek spat angrily as he looked over.

"Fuck you, man." Mark spat angrily. "I have never got any of that shit. Ever... You are a really fucking- Fuck."

"They are getting to us..." Derek said with a sigh. "Sorry man... Once the cock is in jeopardy-"

"The brain doesn't work. You should know." Mark said quickly.

"Exactly. Shh..." Derek said as he waved and listened.

"I don't know where they are." He heard Meredith say.

"Holy shit!" Derek spat as he jumped up.

"Oh fuck..." Mark cried out quietly as they took off down the corridor. They quickly snuck down a dead end hallway and into a doorway.

"Oh god... Close." Derek said quietly.

"Look at us." Mark said in disgust. "Two world renowned surgeons. People fear us and respect us..."

"And we are hiding. From them." Derek said as he shook his head. They had to. They had to save themselves. More importantly, their penises.

----------------

"I can't believe that they both disappeared!" Kristy said in shock as she struggled to pull herself up onto the gurney.

"God, Kris." Meredith laughed as she helped drag her up.

"Hey... You will get bigger. A lot bigger." Kristy told her frankly.

"I hope not. I don't want to walk around waddling like a cow." Meredith said as she ate her candy bar.

"Cows don't waddle. Ducks do. And believe me, I am hearing about it daily." Kristy told her quickly. "Everyone. Am I insane?" Kristy asked with a chuckle. "Carrying your kid..."

"Hey. It was your idea, not mine." Meredith said with a giggle. "I still can't believe that asshole. I told him, on-call room... Five minutes. I was ready. I was on the bed, naked and more than ready. I mean, ready. Under covers of course. You never know what idiot intern will come walking in... I was so wet. And then nothing. At first, I was thinking emergency call..." Meredith explained as she leaned against the wall.

"Except there wasn't any. Same with that asshole Mark. I mean, if- He said he would find me. And he is nowhere. I'd keep it from him. I'd not give him what he needs-" Kristy started before Meredith cut her off.

"But you need it." Meredith finished and Kristy nodded. "Same here. I think I need it more than he does." Meredith said with a sigh.

"You know... There are men that would love this." Kristy said frankly.

"Yeah. There are. And one of them is Mark Sloan." Meredith said with a chuckle.

"Not anymore. He has been avoiding me. I know I am super bitch. I know it. But- I try." Kristy said with a frown. "You know... There are ways. To... Relieve yourself."

"I know there are." Meredith said as she reached in her pocket. "Lucky seven." Meredith said as he held up the tiny vibrator.

"Oh my god!" Kristy said in shock. "Is that-"

"You bet your ass. I used it twice today." Meredith muttered as she stuck it back in her pocket.

"Wow. I need to get me one of those." Kristy said with a smile. "Where?"

"You don't have anything?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked at her.

"No. I- It takes a man and a woman." Kristy explained conservatively.

"No. It takes a woman, with a great toy, and a dirty mind." Meredith told her with a nod. "I can't believe- We need to go to a store. Or you come over and we'll look online. You need stuff."

"Don't you feel weird... All by yourself?" Kristy asked in shock.

"Oh yeah... You feel weird, until you rock your own world. Then you forget real quick." Meredith said with a giggle.

"Does Derek know?" Kristy asked as she ate her chocolate.

"Of course he does. He uses it with me." Meredith explained as she looked up. "Cock rings are amazing. And I know that Mark is into this. Hell, he probably has some stuff." Meredith said with a shrug.

"I don't think I would want to use anything that Mark has. I don't know where it has been." Kristy pointed out frankly.

"Good point. You'll come over tonight. We will do some shopping." Meredith said with a smile. "And I- Need to find Derek. After all that... I need some... Relief." Meredith said with a giggle.

"Mmm... Yeah. Relief." Kristy said with a nod.

The women began their walk. Like cats on the prowl. They needed their men, and they wouldn't stop until they found them. Meredith held her hand over her vibrator in her pocket. Maybe she was a little insatiable at the moment. But Derek is a man, and men love that. As they walked by the corridor, they had no idea that two men were sucking in their chests and staying silent. They were hiding for their lives. More importantly, their penis. Every man knows... Save the penis first.


	157. Searching For a Good Time

Meredith wasn't seeing much of Derek. Every time she turned around, he was hidden. She was feeling angry and hurt that he was avoiding her. She slowly changed into her scrubs and looked down at her swollen abdomen. She was definitely starting to show. She ran her hands over her belly and smiled. Two of Derek's amazing children were in there.

Meredith pulled on her jeans. These were her fat jeans, not that she had ever had to wear them before. They were a pair that she got that had been marked down to a ridiculously low price. And now, it finally came back around and she was able to wear them. She pulled on her long sleeved top and threw her scrubs into her locker. She couldn't wait to get home. She was going to hurt him.

He left her He left her exposed to the world in an on-call room. She couldn't get over it. She talked to Tyler and all of the nurses she could find. Nothing happened. His patients were fine, there were no consults, and no emergencies. Derek left her. He left her and told her he was coming. She laid there for forty-fife minutes until she had to diddle herself. Yes, he was a dead man.

When Meredith walked into the house, she smelled food. Chicken maybe. Stuffing. Something. She didn't care. She was mad at him. She wasn't even sure she would eat his poison food. She threw her purse down and stormed into the kitchen. She didn't look at him as she grabbed a glass of water.

"Welcome home..." Derek said as he went to kiss her on the cheek. Meredith pulled away from him and looked the other way. "What the hell?" He asked in shock as he stared at the side of her head. "Meredith..." He said slowly.

"You left me." Meredith snapped as she glared at him. "You really are an asshole, Derek Shepherd. She shouted as she threw her glass in the sink.

"What did I do?" Derek asked in shock as he began putting the food on the counter and off of the heat.

"What did you do?" Meredith asked in complete and utter shock. "Well, Derek... If you don't know, I am not going to bother telling you!" She shouted as she spun on her heel.

"Well, honey... Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he looked at the back of her head.

"Seriously? Seriously? You think you're just going to forget it? You have no idea! And now you want me to eat your poison crap food. Hell no, Derek. I am not hungry. In fact I'm- I'm leaving. The room. I am going away from you, so I don't kill you!" Meredith yelled as she disappeared around the corner.

"I had an emergency!" Derek yelled after her. He heard her footsteps stop.

"Now you are lying!" Meredith yelled. "I work there. Ahhh! Just- Nothing."

"You need to eat." Derek yelled loudly.

"Not your food." Meredith shouted back as she grabbed her phone. She dialed Kristy's number, and Kristy picked up on the second ring. "Hey, Kris... Do you want to come over?"

"I could come over for awhile. Are we going to do some online shopping?" Kristy asked with a giggle.

"You bet your ass we are!" Meredith said quickly. "Hey... Do you think you could stop and grab some Taco Bell?"

"Of course." Kristy said happily. "I'm on my way."

Meredith quickly jumped into the shower. She just wanted to be comfortable at this point. And she wanted to be away from Derek. She was so mad at him, she could hardly contain herself. She wanted to lay him down, and kiss his chest. She wanted to trail down ever so slightly and kiss the head of his penis. And then she wanted to stand up and stomp on it until he cried for his mom. The only thing is, she didn't realize, she was already doing it.

Derek shook his head as he sat at the counter alone. She was upstairs and he was down here eating alone. He wasn't rushing up there. She was in a mood, and he didn't want to deal with it at the moment. He knew it would only get worse, but he was staying away for now. Right now, she was acting crazy.

Meredith walked down the stairs in her flannel pajamas. She was in ignoring mode. She didn't see him. He wasn't in existence if you asked her. Just as she crossed the great room, she saw Kristy walking up to the door. She walked over and let her in with a smile. Kristy had no idea what she was walking in to.

"Hey... Hey, Derek!" Kristy said with a smile as she hung her coat and pulled off her shoes.

"Hey, Kris." Derek said softly as he glanced up.

"How are- He's eating chicken, Mer. And it looks- Mmm. He's eating chicken and you want this crap?" Kristy asked in shock. "I would rather-"

"Choke on your own vomit, I know." Meredith interrupted with a nod. "Lets go upstairs." Meredith said as she dragged her along.

"What's going on?" Kristy asked as she and Meredith sat down at the desk.

"Derek is an ass. He is- He was hiding from me. He's an ass. No apology. Nothing. He just acts like he did nothing wrong. I'm not eating his food. No matter how good it looked..." Meredith moaned as she thought about it.

"It did look good." Kristy agreed with a nod. "Really good..."

"Shut up! These-" Meredith started as she examined the taco. "Um...Uh... Tacos... They look good too."

"They do not. I would much rather have that chicken..." Kristy said with a sigh as she looked off into the distance.

"Yeah... Me too." Meredith agreed with a sigh. "But we are eating tacos." Meredith told her firmly.

"We are. And we are shopping for man replacements." Kristy added as she looked at the computer screen.

"Yes. We need man replacements. Men, they are assholes. I mean serious freaking assholes." Meredith said with a nod. "I hate men."

"Me too. All they are good for is- And now I won't need him anymore, right?" Kristy asked happily.

"No. You definitely will not need him anymore. Sometimes I am happy to get a break from Derek and use the vibrator." Meredith said simply. "It is... Better. Because boys are-"

"Stupid!" Kristy shouted loudly.

"Exactly." Meredith said as she pulled up her favorite online sex toy store. "So...

"Cock rings?" Kristy asked in shock as she looked.

"First of all... Where the hell have you been?" Meredith asked in shock at her friend's lack of knowledge. "And secondly, yes. But we don't need those. Those are for pricks and their... Pricks." Meredith growled.

"I've never.. Sex was just a thing. And now with the pregnancy, I can't stop." Kristy explained as she looked up.

"Welcome to my world." Meredith giggled as she clicked on an item. "You need a good vibrator.

"This is... Mer, this is weird." Kristy said as she looked at her.

Kristy had always been conservative. She grew up in a home that believed that sex was something you did behind closed doors and at night. She was getting a little bit more sexually free with Mark. Sex was a man and woman making love. Not the hardcore stuff that Meredith was into. But lately she was having needs. And maybe she should take the plunge.

"So... I think you will probably want something realistic. That is good to start you off. Maybe it won't freak you out as much." Meredith explained with a smile.

"Crystal cock... Fab cock stone... Oh my god!" Kristy said as she began to turn red. "These are... Oh my god."

"Oh, Kris. Quit being a prude. This is fun. See this one... The flexible one. That one is great." Meredith said with a big nod. "I highly suggest it."

"Oh... Okay." Kristy said with a nod.

Meredith and Kristy happily shopped the site. Kristy was in shock. She was so embarrassed, but at the same time, she was having the time of her life. Two pregnant women sitting on chairs staring at dongs. It was more than humorous to say the least. But Kristy loved Meredith, and she was having the time of her life.

"Do you know what sounds good..." Kristy muttered as she looked over.

"Chicken." Meredith growled as she looked at her. "I have been wanting it... Bad."

"Yeah. It was so... Juicy. And it smelled so good." Kristy told her frankly. "I just... Your baby really wants some."

"Fine. But only if I can get it without him noticing." Meredith said as she looked at her. "Here... You shop."

"Okay. Be careful. And abort the mission if danger arises." She joked as she got in front of the computer.

Meredith quietly snuck down the hallway. She could hear the t.v. in the great room. It was just loud enough that he wouldn't hear her. She crept down the stairs, being careful to slink down the wall and out of sight. Her mouth watered as she looked at the chicken in the refrigerator. It was still warm. She quickly grabbed the separate containers and sat them on the counter. Just as she went to get the mashed potatoes, she heard him.

"Caught you." Derek said with a chuckle as he stood there.

"Ahhh!" Meredith yelled as she jumped and dropped the potatoes on the floor.

"Hungry?" Derek asked with a smirk as he helped her clean up the mess.

"No." She lied as she threw the potatoes in the trash. "Don't talk to me."

"Okay." Derek said with a laugh as he wiped the floor. Meredith stood up and turned to walk away. Derek watched her turn around and grab the chicken. "Hmm..." He muttered at the observation.

"I've already been caught. What the hell..." Meredith growled as she walked away with it and disappeared. She was angry as she marched up the stairs. "We better enjoy it." Meredith said as she plopped down on the chair.

"You got caught." Kristy laughed as she dug right in.

"I did." Meredith pouted as she looked up.

"It was worth it." Kristy said with a nod and a smile.

"It so was." Meredith agreed as she chewed the chicken up with a huge grin.

Meredith and Kristy happily ate the chicken and shopped for their man replacements. Kristy was now going to be a well educated sex toy owner. She ordered far more than she would ever need, and Meredith added to her ample collection. Kristy was more than happy to spend the time with her friend, but at the end of the day, she was ready to get home and see Mark.

"So I will see you later." Meredith said as Kristy walked out of her room.

"Yep. Thanks, Mer." Kristy said as she hugged her softly.

"She is kicking the shit out of you." Meredith giggled, feeling her baby inside of her friend.

"She is." Kristy said with a grin. "You really should see if she really is a she."

"She is." Meredith said with a smile as she watched Kristy walk away. Kristy walked to the door and began pulling her stuff on. Just as she looked up, she saw Derek sitting on the sofa in a slump. "Goodbye, Derek. And you better get your ass up there and fix it."

"That is the plan." Derek said with a chuckle as he turned the t.v. off. "See you later."

"Yep." Kristy said with a smile as she walked out.

Derek walked upstairs. He was somewhat afraid of the beast, but he was ready to brave her treachery. As he walked in, he saw her brushing her teeth. The perfect time to go in fore the kill. She had no way to stop him from saying what he wanted. He quickly walked in and looked at her.

"Look, baby. I am sorry. So sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just- It hurts. Mer, it hurts like hell. I think my cock is sprained. And today, I wanted to take care of you, but I couldn't. I could not make myself do it. And to tell you... I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I love you, and I want to give you what you want. But right now... I am dying here." Derek said with a frown.

"That's all you had to say, Derek. I waited. I waited and I waited, feeling more and more stupid. Instead of telling me, you left me like an idiot. It hurt my feelings." Meredith said as she began to tear up.

"I'm sorry, Mer. This time it was me. I was the one that didn't communicate. I love you, baby. But tonight... Tonight you need a toy." He laughed loudly as he thought about it.

"You are an ass!" Meredith joked as she hit him. "And I don't need a toy. I just need you... I need your arms around me. I love you, Derek."

"I love you too, Mer. So much." He said as he kissed her head. Compromise and communication are key.

**My back was adjusted today and I am finding it hard to sit, stand or lay. So writing is not a good thing. I will try for a chapter tomorrow... But I am dying.**


	158. Hospital Gossip

Meredith laid on her back and looked down at her stomach. Her eyes were wide. She was pretty sure that she had actually popped overnight. It was there. A bump. A huge bump. She flipped the blankets off and rubbed her hands over her abdomen. She was actually looking pregnant. A smile crossed her face as she looked at herself. She was really going to be a mom.

"Wow." Derek said with a smile as he looked over at her.

"I am huge, right?" Meredith asked him with a giggle.

"You are... Something." Derek said as a chuckle as he ran his hands over her stomach with hers.

"I am pregnant, Derek. I am actually pregnant." Meredith said with a sigh.

"You really are. How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he cocked his head and looked at her.

"I feel wonderful. Better than Kristy." Meredith said with a giggle.

"I can imagine you are feeling better than Kristy." Derek agreed.

"I'm sure I am." Meredith said with a smile. "I am actually feeling bad for her.. I think maybe she is regretting her decision." Meredith explained with a frown.

"No. She is definitely not regretting her decision. She loves it. You have to understand, Mer... Kristy is a fixer. And right now, she is feeling like the biggest fixer in the world. For years she tried to fix me. She tried to fix everything. And for the first time in her life, she is succeeding. This is great. This is what she lives for." Derek said as he laid his head on her stomach.

"You're right. I guess I was thinking about me. I was thinking about how I would feel." Meredith said with a sigh. "I don't think I could. I guess I'm not as great as she is. But I would never be able to carry another woman's child."

"That doesn't make you any better or worse. It make you, you." Derek told her as he looked up into her eyes. "Kristy is an entirely different breed..."

"That's funny. Yesterday, she said that she and I were like two old broodmares. And she didn't even get the pleasure of a live cover breeding." Meredith giggled loudly.

"Yeah... But she is getting the teaser stud. Whenever she wants." Derek pointed out.

"That is true." Meredith said with a smile. "Personally, I love the premier stallion on this farm." Meredith said with a smile.

"And I love my lone mare." Derek told her with a nod.

"You know, soon enough you will be getting kicked in the head. Double time." Meredith pointed out as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"I look forward to it. I can't wait to be kicked to crap." Derek said with a smile.

"I know. I just- Wow. This is amazing. I had given up, and now here we are. I want it to always be like this. I can't wait to feel them. To know that they are alive. I just can't wait for it." Meredith said with a smile.

Derek loved to rest his head on her stomach. It offered him complete comfort and relaxation. And knowing that his children were in her stomach, was a feeling that he couldn't even put into words. It was amazing to know that his children were in there. Meredith was their sole support, and she was doing it do well. He just couldn't wait for them to come. He heard her stomach growl loudly.

"You are hungry." Derek said with a laugh as he looked at her.

"Starving." Meredith admitted as she looked at him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Derek asked with a frown.

"Because you have been chasing my cravings forever. And I know you are tired of it. I'm fine." Meredith said with a sigh as she looked at the clock. It was already near midnight.

"No. If you are hungry, you will eat. What would you like?" Derek asked as he sat up.

"Um... Pancakes. Pancakes stuffed with cream cheese. Vanilla cream cheese." Meredith said with a nod as she looked at him. "But I don't need it. It's fine, Derek." Meredith said with a sigh.

"No. I'll make it." Derek responded, even if he really did not want to make them.

"Only if you want..." Meredith muttered as she looked at him.

"Of course I do, baby. Do you want some tea too?" Derek asked as he stood up and walked to the door.

"Of course. Whatever you make is fine. As long as it is berry." Meredith giggled as she looked at him.

"Mer... You are really lucky I love you." Derek teased as he look up at her.

"I am." Meredith agreed as she grabbed her baby book.

Meredith sat on the bed and read her book as Derek cooked her breakfast at midnight. She knew that she had a great man standing in the kitchen. He was a man that would die for her of she asked. He was the love of her life. He did it because he loved her. Meredith smiled as she rested her hand on her stomach and watched Derek walk in.

"Smells good!" Meredith said exuberantly as she accepted the tray of good. Meredith lifted a bite to her mouth and moaned. "Oh god... This is amazing!"

"Good" Derek told her with a smile as he grabbed the book she was reading.

"Didn't you try it?" She asked in shock.

"No." Derek told her. "I'm not hungry. You eat it up. I was thinking... This weekend, I'd like to paint the nursery. Maybe Mark would come help."

"I want to help!" Meredith said happily.

"No, Mer. You can't smell the paint. Mark will help. But you can pick the colors." Derek told her with a smile.

"I think maybe yellow. A really pale yellow. And white wainscoting." Meredith said with a smile.

"That would be nice." Derek agreed as he glanced through the book.

"Yep." Meredith nodded as she took bite after bite and finally placed the tray aside. "Now..." She said with a smile.

"Woman." Derek said, knowing what she was up to. "Fine... You have given me a few days off." Derek said with a smile.

"Good boy, Der..." Meredith moaned as she kissed his neck.

"Mmm... I guess the breakfast was good then..." Derek asked as he looked over and leaned over to her.

"I need sex." She said as she pulled him towards her.

"Oh... Do you now?" Derek moaned as he lifted his shirt over his head. Meredith sat up and pulled her top off and shimmied out of her pants.

"Oh god yes..." She said as he leaned down and kissed her softly.

Derek leaned over her, his mouth trailing on her neck. He sucked and nipped gently on her collarbone, tasting the sweetness of her skin. He smiled as she moaned softly. At the moment, he wanted her just as she wanted him. Derek looked up to see her green eyes and a soft smile on her face.

"I want you..." She said softly as she ran her hands from his shoulders and over his chest.

"And I will give it to you..." He responded with a soft kiss on her lips. She smiled as he ran his tongue down her chest, curving her breasts and biting her nipple tightly. Meredith gently grabbed his cock and ran her hands down it's length over and over again. Derek gently spread her legs and and placed himself inside of her. She moaned as he penetrated deep inside. Derek paused as he looked into her soft green eyes. A soft smile played upon their lips as the spoke without words.

"Derek..." She muttered as she ran his hands along his back. "Oh god...Derek. You feel so good." A smile formed as he laid his body across hers and slide in and out slowly. Meredith's swollen breasts rubbed against his chest as his tongue gently fucked her mouth.

"Oh god...Mer...Oh god..." He moaned as he felt her begin to tighten around him. They meshed so perfectly. The two of them were the perfect mold.

"Harder...deeper..." She moaned as he thrust into her harder. He looked at her face, watching her smile grow.

"Oh...God...I'm..." He moaned as he felt his orgasm taking over, feeling her tighten her muscles around him, clamping down. His cock pulsated as her walls strangled his thick dong. He felt himself release, pouring and filling her in long spurts.

"Derek...I...oh...wow..." She moaned as her eyes fluttered.

Meredith felt herself release. Her uterus contracted rhythmically as she released her own fluid in abundance. Their fluids mixed as Derek paused and looked down at her. She laid her head back as they stayed connected. They shared so much love, it was immeasurable. Derek gave her a soft kiss on the head before he pulled himself out, their fluids dripping from his flaccid cock.

"Thank you, Derek." Meredith moaned as she laid her head to the side and looked at him.

"No, Mer... Thank you." He told her as he leaned over and kissed her on the nose. Derek flipped off the light and pulled her close. It was good. So good.

-------------

Meredith was waddling. Well, according to Derek, she was waddling. She refused to admit it. She was not waddling. Kristy was waddling. Kristy was the wide load. Meredith had taken to teasing Kristy to get the attention off of herself. Meredith was getting really big, really quick. And Kristy was remaining pregnant and beautiful.

"Oh god..." Meredith moaned as she walked to the scrub room.

"Are you okay, Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Weathers asked as he walked up.

"I am tired." Meredith admitted with a nod and a smile. "And I want some tea."

"Oh... Well, would you like me to send a good for nothing intern to get you some?" Justin Weathers asked with a huge grin.

"That would be absolutely wonderful." Meredith agreed with a smile.

"Not a problem. That is what they are here for." Justin laughed as he walked away.

Meredith walked up to the board. She had a mitral valvuloplasty in twenty minutes. Derek was right. She was never going to make it. She was already dog tired and she was only at fifteen weeks. She was just in her second trimester, and already feeling it. As she stood there and let out a yawn, the intern walked up.

"Here you go, Dr. Grey." The intern said with a smile.

"Oh... Thank you." Meredith said as she accepted it "It's decaf, right?"

"Chamomile. Naturally decaffeinated." The intern said with a smile as he looked at the board with her. "Do you think-"

"You want in on the mitral valvuloplasty?" Meredith asked as she looked over.

"Do you think I could?" He asked happily as he looked at her.

"Sure. I'll need you to prep Mr. Dawson in about ten minutes." Meredith replied with a sigh. "Room 3535."

"Have you thought about it?" He asked as he looked at her.

"Thought about what?" Meredith asked as she returned his glance.

"The job offer. From Oregon..." He said with a smile. Meredith quickly remembered that he was the one with her.

"Oh... That." Meredith said with a nod. "Everything is a possibility." Meredith told him.

"Oh..." He said as he walked off.

Meredith stood there and stared. She hadn't even thought about that offer. To her, it was just a step up. Other hospitals would use that offer as a platform for negotiation. It wasn't truly and option. She and Derek were happy in Seattle. But at the same time, it was her choice.

Derek rushed down the hallway. He was late for surgery. He was supposed to be in the operating room over a half an hour before. As he rushed by, he heard it. He heard someone talking about Meredith. He figured it was gossip about the babies. And then he stopped. It was something different. Something entirely different.

"So... He has no idea. Maybe they are getting divorced?" Someone said quickly.

"Yeah. Well, I heard her say she was going whether he did or not. She'll have fun with all those kids!" The other woman said quickly.

"Why the hell would anyone want to go to Oregon. anyway?" The man said quickly.

"Because she got offered an ass load of money. She's Meredith Grey. Everyone wants her." The woman said quickly. "So I guess that means Shepherd will be alone. I bet she sends the kids to him and leaves. She'll be just like her mother."

"No. Shepherd will go. He's so pussy whipped. He will be Mr. Mom." The man said with a laugh.

Derek clenched his jaw. He was pissed. Angry. She had an offer for a job, and she never told him. He was sick as he walked towards the operating rooms. She didn't share one of the most important things that had happened to her. This was an incredible offer. He knew they would be coming. He knew that she was in high demand. He knew that she would be getting tons of offers. But he knew one thing more than the rest. They were not going to Oregon. No way.


	159. Bad Gossip

The words that he heard stung. He would be Mr. Mom. They made him feel like Meredith had emasculated him. And to some extent, she had emasculated him. She had him running all over the place like a fool. She had him making late night food runs and getting up and cooking for her. She was moody, and horny. She was too much of everything at this point, and he was tired of it.

As he stood over his patient, the thoughts flew through his head. She was carrying his children. And he was the love of his life. He knew that he had to keep her happy. She was his wife, and he loved her so much he would let someone run him over with their truck before she would let her feel an ounce of pain.

Oregon was not a place that Derek wanted to go. Seattle was where he ran away to. When he thought Meredith was dead, he ran away. He ran to Seattle, the rainiest place. A place where it was as dark as he felt. Or so he thought. He had grown to love it, and once he found Meredith again, he realized this was their home. Seattle was where he wanted to be. Seattle was where they were going to raise their family.

Derek knew being a supportive husband was what he needed to do. But he wanted to be a supportive husband without sacrificing his own wants and needs. He didn't know anything about Oregon. They weren't established in Oregon. And Seattle Grace was a great hospital. As Derek worked on his patient in a fog, he couldn't quit thinking.

"That was a great surgery, Dr. Shepherd." The intern said as they scrubbed their hands.

"Yeah..." Derek said distractedly. "Have you seen Dr. Shepherd?" Derek asked as he looked over at him.

"Oh... I think she is in OR two." The intern explained with a smile.

"Of course she is." Derek snapped. He wasn't even sure why he snapped. He knew that this was her job. He was just frustrated with everything.

"She had an emergency case come in." The intern explained as he looked over. "I think she is doing a CABG."

"Well... If you weren't on-call, you are now. I want you to watch our patient, do post-op. I'm heading home." Derek said frankly as he tossed his paper towel into the trash and threw the door open.

"Dr. Shepherd... Your patient in 3532 wants you. She has questions." A nurse said as she walked up.

"I'm busy. Get a fellow of a resident." Derek growled as he continued walking.

"But she wants you." The nurse told him as she followed him.

"Do I look like I give a shit?" Derek snapped loudly as he looked back. "I have things to do. I am so tired of it."

"Oh... Okay, sir." She said with a scared look on her face as she turned away. He didn't care. He was too frustrated all the way around to worry about a patient who had questions that a fellow could answer. Not to mention if he did go in there, he would most likely snap at her. No, he had to get home. He had a date.

Derek climbed in his Denali and pulled out of the hospital parking lot From what he understood, she had been made the offer when she went to Oregon to secure an organ. In other words, it mad been made a long time ago. It was something that she kept from him. She was making plans about their life and not even letting him know. She didn't have much of her fellowship left. She would be taking offers soon. And it seemed like it was already that time. Derek heard his cellphone ringing. He wanted to ignore it. With the mood he was in, he should ignore it. But he didn't.

"Hello?" He growled angrily.

"Derek... Are you okay?" Linda asked softly, hearing the strain in her son's voice.

"No. I am not okay. I'm pissed." Derek spat as he drove down the road.

"What's the matter, Derek?" Linda asked in shock, knowing her son was always the calm type. It took a lot to get him riled up.

"My wife. It seems Meredith is moving us to Oregon and I am the last person to know!" Derek shouted loudly. "She doesn't even tell me. I don't know what she was planning."

"Derek, you need to calm down. You need to stop and think about this for a second. You aren't making a whole lot of sense. Have you even talked to her?" Linda asked, knowing that he was probably jumping the gun. One thing she knew about Meredith was that she rarely acted selfishly. And at this point, she was was sure that Derek was overreacting.

"I know my wife. And she's- Damn-it!" Derek growled. "She does this. She won't talk to me about anything. She is being so stupid. The whole hospital knows before I do. And they were right... What if she is like her mother? What if she does dump the kids?"

"I cannot believe you just said that. You stop it now. You know her better than that. You call me back when you are acting like a normal human being. Right now you are acting like a fool." Linda said frankly, knowing that taking Meredith's side would only make him worse.

Derek pounded his steering wheel as he realized that his mother ended the call. He was so angry with her. Angry with Meredith. It was such a simple thing that only snowballed. He did know Meredith well enough. But a bevy of rotten patients and grumpy nurses only added to the bad day that he was already having. And he was tired of it all.

Derek walked into his house and tossed his things to the side. He was too frustrated with her. With life. It seemed that life had gotten too comfortable. He was wrapped up in having lost her for all those years. Now he had lost his appreciation for her life. Derek walked into their office and grabbed his twenty-five year old bottle of Highland Park, pouring it into his glass.

Derek swirled the amber liquid around in his glass as he sat back in his chair. He needed to take the edge off. He had been living by her rules for far too long. No caffeine in the morning. No alcohol. Maybe he did take part in it all, but he was getting tired of it. As he sat there and drank down glass after glass, eh never thought about the repercussions of his actions.

Meredith was tired. She let out a loud yawn as she walked towards her car. She was surprised that Derek had left early. The whole hospital was talking about his attitude. Apparently he had been rude to several of the nurses and staff. She had no idea why. He had been in a great mood, and now all of the sudden, he was being a jerk.

The house was dark as Meredith pulled into the driveway. Generally when she would come home, he had the house lit up. He didn't even have the outside lights on. She saw a tiny light coming from somewhere inside the house. Meredith pulled into the garage and pulled herself out

"Der?" Meredith shouted as she walked into the house. She was surprised that he wasn't in the kitchen cooking her dinner. She had come to expect it daily. "Hey, Marley. How is mama's boy?" She asked as she bent down and patted the dog on the head. "Honey... Are you here?"

Meredith threw her bag on the floor next to his and pulled off her slide on shoes. She trotted up the stairs and looked into their bedroom. There was no sign of him, and no sign that he had been around. She quickly walked down the hallway and back down the stairs. As she made her way through the kitchen, she saw the light on in the office. When she looked in, she saw him sitting back in the chair with dark eyes. Marley stood next to her, looking at the man.

"Hey... What's going on?" Meredith asked as she looked at him.

"Nothing." He growled as he sat there, not looking at her.

"Have you been drinking?" Meredith questioned in shock as she grabbed the glass and looked at the drops of amber in the bottom.

"Does it look like I have been drinking?" Derek asked smartly as he looked up at her.

"Is everything okay? Oh god... Did you lose a patient?" Meredith asked with a frown as she looked at him.

"No." Derek said shortly as he glanced up at her.

"So what is the problem? The nurses are saying that you were being curt with them. And I heard you left a patient and refused to talk to her. So what is your problem, Derek?" Meredith asked as she stuck her hands on her hips. She had no patience for his attitude today.

"My problem... My problem is you, Meredith." Derek said angrily as he looked at her.

"Me? What did I do?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked at him with wide eyes.

"What did you do..." Derek chuckled evilly. "What did you do? All you do is want. You want everything. All I do is walk around serving you..."

"I am pregnant, Derek. Your your children. What do you want me to do? Im sorry I am such a pain in the ass. I'm sorry that I need you." She said angrily as she felt the tears start to prick her eyes.

"I would have been nice if you let me know that we were going to Oregon. Should I go pack my fucking bags now?" Derek shouted as she looked at her. Marley began to bark loudly at the stress he felt between them.

"Oregon? Oregon? What are you talking about?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked at him.

"We're moving to Oregon, aren't we?" Derek snapped as he looked at her. "Really fucking nice, Meredith! Nice... Thanks for letting me know. Did you plan on telling me after you emptied the house?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you? We are not moving to Oregon, you asshole. I'm not even talking to you right now. You're drunk. Sleep it off." Meredith growled as she walked away from him.

"See, this is exactly what I was talking about." Derek said as he stumbled behind her. "Meredith ends it, and so it is over. You have the final say. Who gives a fuck what I want." Derek grumbled as he walked behind her "Hey! I'm talking to you." He spat as he grabbed at her. Marley barked loudly and snapped at Derek's hand. "Ouch, you fucker!" He yelled at Marley.

"Don't touch me, you bastard!" Meredith spat as she shoved him. Their eyes met. Derek's were wide as he realized he was falling. He looked at Meredith, unable to stop himself. Derek flailed his arms around as he fell backwards, crashing from the stairs and onto the floor.

"Oh my god! Derek." Meredith cried out as she ran down the stairs and rushed to his side. "I'm so sorry... Oh my god! I'm so sorry..."

"I can't believe you fucking did that!" Derek yelled as he looked up at her.

"I'm so sorry, Der. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it!" She cried out as she knelt beside him. "Are you okay? Did you hit your head?"

"I'm fine." Derek growled as he went to sit up. He grabbed his side. "Fuck."

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked as she laid him back down and began palpating the area. "It's your ribs..." She muttered as he winced.

"Just get your hands off of me." Derek growled as he looked at her.

She looked into his eyes. She didn't understand why he was acting the way he was. He was genuinely angry with her. She could see in his eyes that he was fed up. She didn't understand what pushed him over the edge. She never said a thing about Oregon because it wasn't even important. It was never an option on the table. She never planned on leaving Seattle. She always assumed that Seattle Grace would make her an offer she couldn't refuse.

"I don't understand." Meredith cried. "I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it. All I ever did was love you..." She said as she pulled away and ran up the stairs. "We were never going to Oregon."

Derek laid there and looked up before dropping his head back on the floor. He was way too tanked to get himself up and walk to the sofa. She shut his eyes and thought about it all. His brain wasn't in the thinking mood. It was all too much stress. He did push it over the edge. He regretted it, but at the same time, he wasn't fixing it tonight.

Meredith laid in their bed. She didn't pull back the covers. She didn't change her clothes, she just laid there in tears. She didn't understand why Derek was so mad at her. She wasn't even sure where he found out about Oregon. And then it hit her. The intern was asking questions. And then the gossip ran it's usual course. She only cried harder as she thought about Derek's words. He thought of her as a burden. He acted like she was treating him like a slave. So there she cried, until sleep came.

Derek laid on the floor passed out for hours. He was only broke to awareness when Marley walked up and began licking his face. He grumbled loudly as he rolled away and kept his eyes closed. Marley ran around him and began licking his face again. Derek finally opened his eyes and moaned at the pain he felt in his chest.

"Oh fuck..." He moaned as he tried to climb to his feet. "Oh god..."

Derek stumbled painfully up the stairs and walked to his room. A frown covered his face as he looked at her. She was asleep on top of the covers, her tear stains still visible. Derek walked around the side of the bed and slowly laid his aching body down.

"Mer..." He whispered as he leaned towards her. "Meredith..."

"Just don't Derek. You smell like alcohol. I just- I will leave. If that's what you want, I'll go." Meredith cried as kept her back to him. "I didn't know that I was making your life hell. I won't ask you for anything anymore."

"Oh, Mer." Derek said as he leaned over and kissed her softly.

"No, Derek. No." She sobbed loudly. "I was never going to Oregon. Never. They offered. I said I would think about it. I thought that if they thought I was wanted, other hospitals would join in, and I would get better offers. I never said anything because it never mattered. And that doesn't even matter... Because you hate me..."

"I don't hate you!" Derek said in shock as he looked up at her. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to be an ass. I was tired, and they were talking. It made me feel like it's all one sided. I felt like you were the boss and I had no say in anything we say or do." Derek told her as he stroked her face.

"You felt emasculated." Meredith told him with a frown.

"I did. And I shouldn't have even let it get to me. You're having my children. I have more respect for you than you will ever know. I just... I was frustrated. That was no reason. I am so sorry, Meredith. I am so sorry." Derek said as he looked into her eyes.

"I don't want to be a burden. I don't want you to resent me." Meredith cried as she looked at him.

"I could never resent, you, Mer. I was upset, and I dealt with it in a shitty way. I am sorry, baby. I am so sorry. There is nothing I want more than to take care of you. You know that. I'm not even sure how to make it up to you..." Derek muttered sadly.

"Just hold me." Meredith said with a sigh. "Hold me tight."


	160. Perfect Little Life

Kristy rolled from one side of the bed to the other. She had been getting more and more uncomfortable. The baby was kicking her bladder non-stop and hanging out in her ribs. It seemed that every time she turned around, she was in the bathroom. Kristy let out a loud moan and rolled out of the bed and made her walk to the bathroom.

As she sat there, she wondered if she should just stay there until the baby was born. It was like she never left. She let out a sigh and ran her hand over her stomach. It was huge. Too big she kept telling herself. Even when her ankles were swollen and her back was killing her, she never regretted doing it for Derek and Meredith.

Kristy looked at the bathtub. Laying the the warm water sounded so inviting to her aching back. She waddled over and flipped the hot water on, watching the steam pour out and billow into the air. She pulled off her oversized pajamas and lifted her leg into the hot water and lowered her body down in.

"Are you okay, honey?" Mark asked with a frown as he walked in.

"The baby will not get out of my ribs. Nonstop kicking." Kristy moaned as she looked up at him.

"I'm sorry, honey." Mark told her as he leaned down next to the bathtub. "Do you want a massage?"

"Oh god... Would you?" She asked with a smile. Mark could see the tired look on her face. Meredith and Derek's baby was putting her through hell.

"Of course." Mark agreed as he crept around the bathtub and placed his hands on her shoulders. He would hear the soft mans escape her lips as he kneaded her soft flesh and sore muscles. "So are you regretting it yet?" He asked with a chuckle.

"Oh god no!" Kristy said quickly. That was her. She never complained. He had to chuckle, her body was never going to be the same after this. And here she was, happier than ever. She was just happy to be helping her friends. "This is great... A miracle."

"That's good." Mark agreed. The warm water looked so good, but as he looked at her, and at the bathtub, he knew there was no fitting. And he definitely knew better than to say that. "So I'm guessing you aren't planning on doing this again, huh?"

"No way." Kristy giggled as she looked up at him. "I don't regret doing this. Not even a little. But we aren't doing this, Mark. If this is what you want... I passed this up already. I had planned it with Derek. I'm not saying that you wouldn't be a great father. I'm not saying Derek would be better than you. But what we have, it's great. Really great. And I just want to keep things the way they are. Not to mention I am getting too old to be chasing a kid around. I think we will be doing that with Mer's." She laughed as she rubbed her stomach.

"I agree. I love kids, but I am not a dad. I'm not even close. And I think you are right..." Mark said as he pulled his hands off of her shoulders. "We will be seeing a lot of these rug rats..."

"And we will love every minute of it. It's not like they will have a grandma around. We will spoil them, and send them home." Kristy told him with a nod. Mark smiled as he looked into her eyed.

"Yes... That sounds like a plan to me." Mark agreed as he stood up. "Are you hungry? Do you need a drink?" Mark asked as he looked into her green eyes.

"Oh... Hot chocolate." Kristy said with a nod. "Lots of marshmallows. Lots, Mark!"

"Okay. Lots." Mark said with a nod. As he walked away, he shook his head. What had he become. He was her servant. When she beckoned, he ran. He had to laugh. Mark Sloan was now catering to a pregnant woman that wasn't even carrying his child. What had become of the world? Mark filled the cup halfway with marshmallows. He hated them. Well, not when they were roasted. But like that, he hated them.

"Oh thank you!" Kristy said happily as she sat back in the bed and he walked in.

"Not a problem." Mark told her as he handed her the warm mug and a couple of sugar cookies on a plate. He watched as she nibbled on the cookie. Like a squirrel. So dainty and soft. Unlike what he had seen of Meredith lately. She was eating things whole like some kind of beast. They had went out for ribs and Derek and Mark were almost embarrassed. She looked like she was feasting on an animal in the wild. "So Meredith is looking large."

"I think she is bigger than I am. Poor girl. But I am really worried about her back. She says it is fine. But I worry. Someone does. We all know she won't." Kristy pointed out with a frown.

"I know it will be hard on her. But he back is sound. That cement is keeping her good. I think she will be fine. But I see bed rest in her future." Mark told her frankly. "And I would hate to be around her when that happens. She may kill Derek."

"I agree. Poor Derek." Kristy said with a frown.

"So when is your next appointment?" He asked as he rubbed her back with his right hand.

"Tomorrow. Addison is going to do an ultrasound. Mer and Der are saying they don't want to know what it is. But I know... It's a girl. I'm sure of it. I have fire in me. I bet this is just how Ellis felt when Meredith was inside of her." Kristy giggled as she rubbed her kicking stomach. She grabbed the earphones and placed them on her stomach.

"Yeah... I bet it felt like there was a cat in there. You know Mer." Mark agreed with a nod. "So what the hell is she saying on that thing?" He asked, referring to the podcasts Meredith had made.

"I don't listen. That is between her and her baby." Kristy said frankly. She let out a big yawn and looked over at him. "Bed?"

"Sound great." Mark agreed as he flipped the light off. He laid there for two minutes, and he was out like the light.

-----------------

Meredith rushed around the house. She rushed as much as she could for being huge. Technically, the babies were around two pounds each. But if you asked her, they were already ten pounds and it was all baby weight that she was carrying around. As she zoomed down the hallway, Derek stopped her midway. She smiled as he wrapped his hands around her abdomen.

"Where do you think you are going?" He asked as he gripped her baby bump tightly and buried his face in her neck. If anyone asked, he would swear that he smelled baby on her. She smelled different. Softer.

"I have surgery. And Kristy has an appointment today and we need to be at that." Meredith said as she pulled away and looked at him. "No time for your love right now..." She said as she went to step away.

"There is always time for love." Derek told her as he pilled her close to his chest and gave her a kiss. "I want to see my little woman."

"Little woman?" Meredith laughed as she shook her head. "Yeah... For some reason, I don't really like that." She told him as she rushed away.

"Nice waddle, baby." He teased, knowing that she hated when he would say that to her. "You make waddling sexy!"

"I know I do." She teased as she shook her ass for him and made her way down the stairs. Derek smiled as she disappeared. He couldn't wait until their babies were born. All of them. All three.

Meredith walked down to the kitchen as looked around. Nothing was looking good. She finally settled on a banana and a bowl of cereal. She knew she had to get her protein. She made a mental note to herself that she had to eat a good lunch. Derek walked down as she hogged her cereal down and drank the milk from the bowl.

"Honey... You are a beast!" He joked as he looked at her. Lately she had been acting like a beast. Every time he saw her eat, she was shoveling it in. It was like it couldn't get in fast enough. And she was always hungry. She ate more than anyone else he saw. But she needed it. That's what he told himself. She wouldn't be doing it if she didn't need it. "So what do you have on the board?"

"A valve transplant." Meredith explained with a smile. "I got an offer from Boston General yesterday."

"And?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Eight-hundred and fifty a year. And a sign on bonus." Meredith said with a smile.

"That is really good. That offer... For a new attending, that is amazing." Derek told her with a smile. He was making more than two million a year, but he was experienced and could do several rare methods that few others could do.

"It is. But Seattle Grace... I haven't gotten anything." Meredith said with a frown as she stood from the table and tossed her bowl into the sink.

"You will. They are waiting. They want to see what else is on the table before they snatch you up." Derek explained. "Besides, you have pretty much secured the position. Santos is going to retire. And you were always meant to take that position." Derek told her with a nod as he spooned his muesli.

"You're right, I guess. The thing is... We are settled here. And I would take a pay cut just to stay. We're happy here." Meredith said as she looked around the house. At the moment she was feeling like her life was perfect. She looked around the house and could almost see her babies running around it.

"Well, make sure you don't tell them that. Once they see what everyone is offering you, they will be bending over backwards to give you an awesome salary." Derek pointed out. "And with the babies... They know you. So maternity leave will be nothing."

"I hope you're right." Meredith said with a smile. "I have to go." She told him as she looked down at the Girard-Perregaux watch on her arm, a gift from Derek. She was already running late. It seemed like everyday she was running late. He big body made it impossible to rush.

"See you later, baby." Derek told her with a smile as he watched her grab her bag and pull her coat over herself. He loved the was she looked. A belly with legs. Her slight stature made it more noticeable than ever.

-----------------

Meredith stood at the table and looked up at the clock. She was supposed to be on her way to Kristy's appointment. She felt herself getting antsy. She told Derek to go ahead and go. But she really didn't want him to. She wanted to see her baby on the screen. She wanted to know what was going on with her child.

She looked down at the woman in front of her. Pericardial valve extension. Normally she would love being in the operating room. But not at the moment. At the moment she wanted to be in the room with Kristy. She made her cut and rolled her head back, attempting to crack her neck.

"So how far along are you?" Her intern asked as he stood there. He could see her huge abdomen. Everyone did. And it was anyone ever talked about.

"Twenty-six weeks." Meredith said quickly as she began her work. She didn't want to snap, but she was on her way. She didn't want to be there, and she didn't want to answer stupid questions.

"So you are having three babies. But you are carrying two. And that nurse is pregnant with the other." The intern stated dumbly as he looked up at her. He wanted to know. And he was the type of person that would ask if he wanted to know something.

"That would be correct." Meredith said with a nod as she worked her nimble fingers.

"So are you going to keep that one? Or are you going to let the nurse keep it?" He asked as he looked at her ample stomach, knowing it had twins in it.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? Are you and idiot? You're going to stand there and ask me a stupid-ass question like that... It's my chid. You don't dump your child because you are having more. Just- Unless you have a medical question, don't talk to me!" She snapped as she glared at the man. She couldn't believe how stupid someone could be. She shook her head as she went back to work. That only added to the anger she was already feeling. She wondered how it was going with Kristy.

Derek stood there next to his ex-wife. he wanted Meredith there. They were going to reschedule, but Meredith said no. She wanted Kristy looked at. Especially as uncomfortable as she had been feeling. Derek looked over at Kristy as Addison went through the run of the mill exam. She was getting and ultrasound. 3-D. He wanted Meredith there with him. It just didn't feel the same.

"So, Kristy... How have you been feeling?" Addison asked with a smile.

"Like hell. I am so tired. And this baby... Nonstop kicking." Kristy said with a frown as she looked up. "But not horrible. Just..."

"Uncomfortable. That is normal. Let's run an ultrasound and take a look. You know the drill." Addison said as she put the jelly on her abdomen. They all watched the screen intently.

"Wow." Kristy said as she looked up. "That baby... It's uh..."

"Huge. Oh my god!" Derek said in shock as he looked up. "And it's... It's a girl!" Derek said as he got a clear picture.

"I knew it! I knew it! Oh my god... We can't tell Mer." Kristy said with a frown. She knew that Meredith didn't want to know, and know they both knew.

"No... We can't." Derek agreed as he looked at the screen in amazement. There was his daughter. She looked amazing. It was a miracle.

"This baby... Kristy. I really want to suggest a cesarean. This baby is really large. And I think for someone of your size, a vaginal delivery would be too hard. I'm worried about tearing." Addison said with a frown.

"That's fine." Kristy said with a smile as she looked up.

"Are you sure? I mean... We are talking about slicing you open." Derek told her. He was feeling bad. He didn't want to hurt her. And he didn't want to see her have to be sliced open and carry around a scar for something that wasn't even hers.

"I am in this... Derek. I am in it." Kristy told him with a smile. And she was. She would accept that. She was doing this for them. And Mark didn't care. They looked past physical appearance.

Meredith rushed down the hallway. She lost her patient on the table. She could feel the tears pricking her eyes. She was already overly emotional. She couldn't seem to keep a handle on herself. She felt guilty for feeling rushed. She knew it wasn't her fault that the woman was dead, but it still bothered her. As she rushed in the room, she looked up in amazement at the screen.

"Meredith!" They all said happily as they looked up at her.

"Oh my god..." Meredith said as he eyes stayed glued on the screen. "It's... She is beautiful." She cried as she looked. Derek walked over to her and smiled. She collapsed against his chest and began crying. It was all so perfect. Even in the tragedy of losing her patient, she got to see a life. A life she created with the love of her life. A little girl.

**WOW! Chapter 160! Thanks, guys... I do it for you!**


	161. Restless

Meredith sat in her bed, her back propped against the pillows. Her babies were tumbling in her stomach. She rested her hand on her stomach and shook her head. She was praying that didn't keep her awake again. They had become nocturnal at some point and thought it was great fun to keep mom up all night, and then sleep during the day.

Meredith grabbed a chip from the bag and popped it in her mouth. Derek hated eating in bed. Every time she did it, he would cringe. More often than not he was waking up laying in crumbs. The other morning he woke up with a Cheeto in his hair. He let her do what she wanted, even if it did drive him crazy. Meredith flipped the page in her book and wrote down another name. She should know that name by now. Every time she found one and decided that was it, she would find one she liked even more.

Marley laid his head on her abdomen. He would occasionally lift his head and look at her when one of the babies would kick. The first time they kicked, he had a look of shock on his face. She was getting less worried about how he would be around the kids. She trusted him and she was sure he would be great.

"You're still awake?" Derek asked as he walked in her room. Meredith jumped and quickly hid her bag of chips under Derek's pillow. She had been so engrossed in the book that she never heard him open the garage door and pull his car in. "You can get them out, Mer... I know you were eating in bed."

"It's just too easy." Meredith pouted as she grabbed the small bag bag out. She realized that her taste changed in a matter of hours. She finally got smart and purchased bags from the vending machines at the hospital. That way she would have a variety. "I'm comfortable here."

"I know you are. I just don't want to wake up with stuff in my hair." Derek said with a smirk as he walked over and kissed her softly. "Such a nice dog you are, Marley. Getting up to see dad. I feel the love. Really, I do." Derek chuckled as he patted the dog on the head.

"How was the surgery?" Meredith asked, referring to the emergency case that came in just minutes before he was ready to escape.

"Good. I think he will be fine." Derek told her with a smile as he unbuckled his pants and let them fall to the floor. "Did you pick a name yet?" Derek asked with a smile as he stood there and looked at her.

"Are you kidding? I love every name." Meredith told him with a sigh as she looked at her list. "It has to be a good name. A really good name. And good initials. Shepherd causes a problem. I was thinking about Aleesia Sierra Shepherd." Meredith joked as she looked up.

"A.S.S." Derek laughed as he shook his head. "That could definitely be a problem." He agreed with a nod. "I'm sure we will figure something out."

"Oh good. We will figure something out. You make it sound so... Great." Meredith giggled as she looked up at him. "But yes, we will. Are you planning on taking a shower?"

"Like you would let me in the bed if I didn't." He laughed as he pulled his shirt off and stood there in his boxers. "I mean, our bed is such a clean place to be. If we don't have Marley's hair all over us, then we have snack foods." He stated sarcastically as he turned and walked away.

"Hey! It's your kids in here." She warned him as she pointed to her stomach. "And I have to keep them happy." She sighed as she rubbed her stomach and watched him shut the door. "Marley, you dad is a huge pain in the neck. I mean huge. If I could get your paws to work as hands, he's probably be out by now!" She joked as the dog looked up at her with his big brown eyes.

Meredith let out a yawn as she looked at another page. Kristy was having the cesarean section in two weeks. Meredith needed a name. She really needed a name. She had been spending all her time on it, and it had become a worry. Kristy popping out a baby named Baby Girl Shepherd was not an option. She sighed as dog-eared the book, setting it aside. She had a list. And they had to make a choice.

"Good shower?" Meredith asked as Derek walked out of the steam filled room in his pajama pants and a tee-shirt. She had to smile at the man. She loved the way his hair looked when it was crazy and wet.

"I needed it." Derek admitted as he walked over to the bed and crawled in. "Four hours in the OR doesn't do you any favors."

"You have that right!" Meredith teased as she smelled him. "So we need to pick a name." Meredith said as she held out the paper and looked down at it. Derek raised his finger, twirled it around and placed it in the middle of the page.

"That one." Derek said with a nod and a smile. He looked over to see a scrunched nosed Meredith looking not so pleased.

"Eh... I don't like that one." Meredith grumbled as she looked down at it and scratched it off. Derek went through the process over and over again, Meredith refusing every name.

"Okay, so these are your favorites, and yet you don't want any of them?" Derek asked with a chuckle. "What is left?" He asked as he looked down.

"Cassidy Bella." Meredith said with a smile as she looked at the paper and then at him.

"Cassidy Bella Shepherd. I love it." Derek told her with a grin. "It's beautiful."

"It's perfect." Meredith agreed as she placed the paper on the table, a big circle around the name. Derek leaned in and kissed her softly. He grasped her behind her head and slid his tongue gently into her mouth, listening to a faint moan escape her lips.

"Baby... I want you." Derek told her softly as he looked into her eyes. "I need you."

"I need you too..." She said as her hand slid into his pajama pants. He gasped as he felt her hand teasing him. "I need you now." She reiterated with haste as she began stroking his member with her long slender fingers.

"Oh god..." He moaned as he felt his erection growing in her grasp. His eyes closed as he laid his head back, enjoying her touch. Up and down, holding his steel rod tightly. She released his pulsating cock and pulled his pants down.

"I want you to fuck you. Hard." She said as she threw her leg over and hovered over him. He smiled as she once again began working him, a glint of pre-cum making it's presence. Meredith stood on her knees. He slowly slid his hands inside of her shirt and massaged her throbbing swollen breasts. With one swift move, he slid the shirt over her head and tossed it. He loved the pregnancy breasts.

"I want you." She said forcefully, as she gripped his chest. Derek nodded as he leaned forward and pulled his shirt off, tossing it aside. She smiled as his fingers began to trail down her body. He loved the curves of her body. He gently grasped her abdomen, feeling his children moving around. His ran his hands across her feminine mound, placing a finger inside.

"Damn you're wet." He moaned as he swirled his index and middle finger inside of her and flicked her clit with his thumb. He pulled them out and stared at his glistening fingers before sticking them in his mouth. "And you taste good too." He said as he licked them. Meredith smirked before she pulled away and scooted down his legs.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he watched her.

"That will never work." She said as she began to stroke him rhythmically.

"Oh god." He said as he felt her warm petite hand tightening around him. She smiled when she saw his pre-cum glistening on the head of his large penis. She quickly dropped to her knees as she took him in her mouth. In and out. Her tongue traced the bulging vein, that was supplying the power.

"Shit..." He moaned as she placed him in her mouth again, deep throating his large cock. Derek felt his dong sliding deep into her got throat. Derek held her head as she bobbed, in and out. His hips matched her rhythm, as she sucked harder and harder, his fucking her throat hard. "Shit...I'm...Cumming... Baby... I'm...Ohhh..." He moaned as he released his hot fluid into her awaiting mouth. Meredith greedily sucked it down, spurt by spurt, letting it slide down her throat. She pulled away with a smile. "Wow..." He said breathlessly as he laid his head back and breathed heavily.

"I still need you..." She pointed out as laid back and ran her finger across herself. She spread her legs wide, allowing him a front row seat to the erotic show she was ready to put on. He watched as she plunged two fingers deep inside, swirling and twisting. "Oh...God...Oh." She moaned, sliding in and out, playing with her clit, struggling to reach over her belly. "Oh...god...Oh god... OH!" She Cried out as she released.

She pulled her wet fingers out, extra fluid dripping. Derek leaned over and placed her fingers in his mouth. He smiled as he licked then clean. Meredith moaned at his tongue on her. She finally pulled away from him and threw her leg over him once again. She sank herself down on his hard member as he thrust into her hard.

"Holy shit!" She shouted as she felt his large cock slam into her, his balls smacking into her hard.

"You like that?" He asked as he thrust up again.

"Yes. Oh god yes." She moaned as she felt him thrust his hips as she rocked, pulling him in and out. "Oh god..." Derek placed his hands on her ass as squeezed tightly.

"God, Mer." He moaned as his cock slid into her again. "Shit..."

"Harder, Der." She moaned, as she rocked her hips frantically.

"Oh...Shit...I'm...Fuck..." He said as he felt his cock pulsating.

"Der...I'm...Oh... Oh god, oh god!!" She said as she released, her body pulsating, tensing and releasing around him.

"Oh..." He moaned as he spilling into her, his cock pulsating hard. He paused for a moment, and looked into her eyes, leaning down to kiss her softly. Meredith pulled off of him with a moan.

"Mmmm..." Meredith said with a smile as she laid her head back.

"Yeah... Mmm..." Derek agreed as he laid there and pulled her close. Soon enough, that wouldn't be so easy to do.

-----------------

Kristy was on bed rest, and she was not happy about it. She flipped the t.v. channel and looked up. She didn't even want to watch tv.v She hated it. In fact, she was hating everything. She was too big for sex, well she felt she was too big for sex. She had to pee every five minutes. And her whole body ached. She was getting antsy. She couldn't wait until she she gave birth to Meredith and Derek's baby.

Kristy laid her head back and let out a loud cry. She hated it. At this moment, she decided no matter what, she was never having a baby. She knew that the baby she was carrying was some kind of monster. It was a creature. Super-sized and trying to claw it's way out.

Mark opened the apartment door and heard a cry. He panicked. All he could think was that Kristy went into premature labor. He dropped everything that was in his hands on the floor and ran in. He had a bit of frustration apparent in his demeanor as he looked in at her. She had a sour look on her face and she wasn't looking too nice.

"Are you okay?" Mark asked, knowing the question.

"My ass hurts, Mark. It hurts. Always hurts. And I am tired. I am physically tired. And mentally tired because my brain has turned to mush from the damn t.v.. I just want this over. I need this over. Please, Mark." She whined as she grabbed him and looked up.

"I'm sorry, baby. I know you do." Mark said softly. He never thought it would be this hard. She was always grumpy. She was always miserable. He wanted to be there for her, but he couldn't stand to be there with her. She was at thirty-seven weeks. She was considered full term. He could tell that she was getting too antsy. And he was praying she didn't go into labor before they could do the scheduled cesarean.

"I can't take it. I lay on my side, and it hurts. My back hurts. My legs hurt. The only spot that doesn't hurt is this spot on my face." She grumbled as she pointed to her cheek.

"Maybe they can do the c-section earlier. Maybe they need to do it earlier." Mark suggested as he looked at her. "This would only be three weeks early, I know you have a huge baby in there."

"I don't want to do that to Meredith and Derek." Kristy said with a frown. "The baby would benefit from an extra seven days in the womb." She said with a sigh as she laid her head to the side.

"Kristy, you have been taking excellent care of that kid. If you can't physically take it anymore..." Mark trailed off as he touched her cheek softly.

"I'm fine, Mark. Will you just lay with me? Please?" She asked as she patted the bed beside her. Mark laid down softly and pulled her close. She was so uncomfortable. She was a tiny woman. Shorter than Meredith. Extremely petite. This pregnancy was killing her.

"Close your eyes, baby. Try to rest." Mark told her as he held her head against his chest. Kristy let out a faint moan and closed her eyes. He could feel the baby kicking like a soccer player. She was close. And he would have to call Meredith and Derek. He didn't think she could wait any longer.

Mark leaned over and grabbed the phone. Kristy was out like a light. At least when she fell asleep, she stayed asleep for quite a long time. Mark dialed Derek's number. He didn't want them to worry, but he did want them to be aware. He just had a feeling that Kristy was a candidate for premature labor.

"Hello?" Derek asked as he laid back in the bed, Meredith asleep beside him.

"Hey, Der..." Mark said slowly. He didn't want to make this call.

"Is everything okay? Is the baby okay?" Derek asked in a near panic as he sat up. Meredith let out a moan and rolled away from him.

"Everything is fine. But tomorrow, I think Kris needs to talk to Addie. She is really uncomfortable. I mean extremely. I have a feeling she is going to go into labor before next week. Don't worry... Now she is okay. But I think in a few days that will be a different story." Mark said frankly into the phone as he looked down at her.

"Wow." Derek said in shock. He couldn't imagine it. So soon. A week early, but still too soon. There were still things he wanted to do. The nursery had been painted a pale yellow with white wainscoting four feet up. It was ready, but the bedding needed to be washed and everything needed to be taken out and ready for use. One week, and he was still not ready. He was going to be a father. And he was freaking out.


	162. Soon Very Soon

Meredith let out a loud moan as she gripped her abdomen. Her babies were kicking. They were kicking hard. They were restless. They had been restless all night long. She was learning to ignore the little bundles of joy that loved to kick box with each other whenever they got the chance. She was thinking they had to be boys. Only boys would be so cruel to their mother.

"Are you okay, baby?" Derek asked as he opened his eyes and looked over. He barely got any sleep. He wasn't going to wake her up and tell her about Kristy. There was no reason she would get a sleepless night like him.

"Oh.. Your children are torturing their mother again." Meredith grumbled as she looked over. "You have to feel this. Did Addie implant a trampoline during the last procedure?" Meredith joked as she kept her hands on her abdomen. Derek leaned over and rested his head on her swollen belly.

"Holy shit they are active!" Derek said in shock as he felt the gentle bumps against him.

"Oh... I don't care. I complain, but I could never imagine not having this. It is so amazing." Meredith said softly as she stroked Derek's head. Derek smiled as he looked up into her green eyes. She was turning maternal. Everything about her was soft and light.

"Mark called last night." Derek told her with a sigh. He knew she was a worrier. He didn't want to tell her. He didn't want her to panic about something that really wasn't a worry.

"He called last night?" Meredith asked in shock, realizing she never heard him. "I never heard him. Did I wake up?"

"No... Are you kidding? I think the monsters were finally asleep." Derek told her with a nod as he kissed her baby bump softly. He always kissed it twice. Once for each baby.

"So what did Mark want?" Meredith asked as she looked at the alarm clock. She needed to get up in a few minutes, but she was enjoying just laying there with her husband.

"Well... Kristy is very uncomfortable." Derek said with a frown. "She is miserable. She can't take much more. I think we need to make an appointment with Addie. Maybe we will need to move the C-section up to this week." Derek said with a wince. He knew Meredith wouldn't want to hear that. He was waiting for the panic. He was waiting for her rebuttal.

"What! No... We... The baby isn't ready, Derek. She isn't even technically due for three more weeks. It's not ready. She has to wait!" Meredith told him as she sat bolt upright in their bed. Meredith was now in a panic. She wanted her baby to have the best chance, and in her mind, this was not it. She wasn't thinking realistically. She wasn't thinking about the factors that went along with everything.

"Meredith... Calm down! Nothing is happening until we talk to Addison. You know that our little girl is huge. And she is more than ready to meet us. Kristy just needs to talk to Addison. It doesn't mean that it's happening. And I know that Addison would never endanger our child." Derek told her as he looked up. Meredith nodded her head in agreement.

"I'm just... I can't have anything happen. I can't handle it, Derek. I can't handle another loss." Meredith said as she began to whimper. Derek quickly sat up and pulled him close to him. Meredith laid her head on his chest as she breathed him in. His scent always relaxed her.

"I know that." Derek told her firmly. "But not this time. This one is going to work out. This one is going to be fine. We are in the last lap here. We are so close to the finish line. This is okay. It's all going to be okay, Mer. It will be." Derek told her softly as he kissed her forehead.

"It is. Kristy has done a good job. A really good job. She is amazing. And... She'll be okay. Cassidy Bella will be okay." Meredith agreed as she laid her head back. "We need to call her and see how she is this morning." Derek reached over and grabbed the phone from the cherry wood bedside table. "Der... Don't you think it's kind of early?"

"Mark has surgery this morning. And according to him, Kristy cannot sleep. All she does is shift from side to side. She can't take much more. She is always restless." Derek explained as he dialed their number.

"Hey." Mark said as he answered the phone.

"How is she?" Derek asked softly as he rubbed circles on Meredith's hand.

"She is saying she's good." Mark said frankly. "But she is still restless. She didn't get any sleep last night." Mark said with a nod.

"Well, can I talk to her? We need to decide what the game plan is." Derek explained quickly, his nerves starting to take over.

"Hi, Derek." Kristy said softly. He knew her well enough to know that she was not feeling her best.

"How are you, Kris?" Derek asked softly. "And don't lie to me." He added, knowing that she liked to sugarcoat things. She didn't want anyone to worry.

"Well, I'm restless." She admitted with a sigh. "And I lost my mucus plug. And I have been having Braxton-Hicks non-stop." She complained as she finally cracked. She was ready to cry. She was nearly suicidal. She just wanted rest. A little bit of rest.

"Contractions?" Derek asked in shock. "These are things that we need to know. We need to- I'm going to call Addison. I'll call you back."

"Okay." Kristy agreed as she listened to the phone click. Derek looked over at Meredith and shook his head. Meredith had a concerned look on his face.

"What is going on?" Meredith asked as she looked into his worried blue eyes.

"Well, Kristy lost her mucus plug." Derek explained, seeing the panic now forming on Meredith's face. "And she has been Braxton-Hicks, but she says they are on top of each other. And that makes me think they may not be Braxton-Hicks." Derek told her with a nod. "I'm calling Addison."

"So- This is- Oh my god!" Meredith said in a panic as she looked over at him. Meredith was scared. She wasn't ready. There was still so much to do. And she was pregnant herself. She couldn't even tie her own shoes yet. Ready or not, she was going to be a mom.

Derek dialed Addison's home number. This wasn't a big deal. In the back of his head, he knew that. But at the same time, he couldn't seem to stop worrying. This was their first baby, and all the rationale that he had was now gone. He sat back and waited for her to answer. And when she did, he was more than relieved.

"Hello?" Addison said sleepily into the phone. Today was one of the first days she didn't need to be in the hospital really early. She let out a faint moan and waited for the person on the other line to answer her.

"Hey Addie, It's Derek." Derek told her softly. He felt somewhat foolish calling. Not to mention she was sounding like she just woke up. "Did I wake you up? Wait... I know I did. I'm sorry... I'm just- Kristy is- She lost her mucus plug and she is having a lot of trouble. She's having Braxton-Hicks. And She can't take it anymore. And-" Derek went on quickly. He stopped when he heard Addison laughing at him. "Are you laughing at me?" He asked in disgust.

"Of course I am. Gee, Derek. I never pegged you as the panicky dad." She laughed as she shook her head. "Relax. I'm sure she is fine. I'm not really too sure what my schedule is today. But you can stop by around noon. I'll examine her and we will figure out what is going on. Her body is just getting ready. I don't think there is a need for you to panic. I will see you this afternoon." She said softly as she laid her body back down on the bed.

"Thanks, Addie. Bye." Derek said softly as he hung up the phone.

"What's going on?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Derek with concern.

"Well, Addie said Kristy can come in at noon. She didn't seem too worried. I think... We are just nuts." Derek laughed as he nodded his head. "I guess we are just antsy."

"We are." Meredith agreed with a smile as laid her head back and closed her eyes. She just wanted to sleep. Even after the full nights sleep she got, she was ready for more. She shifted to her side and rested her head on the pillow.

"Baby... I think you will be taking some time off sooner than you think." Derek told her with a smile. "You are getting uncomfortable." He had noticed her getting increasingly worse. She liked her rest. And she was having a hard time moving around. He had to laugh, she was at twenty-seven weeks and she was already having a tough time.

"Eh... I will be fine." Meredith told him as she opened her eyes. She only technically had a week left of work. Once Kristy had Cassidy, she would be on maternity leave to take care of her. She was actually excited. She was ready to be home with her new baby.

"Sure you will." Derek said with a chuckle as he climbed out of bed. "Well, we've laid around, so how about oatmeal this morning?" He asked as he looked down at her.

"Oatmeal is good. But I want raspberries in it." Meredith told him with a nod as she climbed out of the bed and waddled into the bathroom. Meredith flipped on the water and took a quickly Shower. She was almost embarrassed, she was having a really hard time shaving her legs. Unless she was planning on being intimate with Derek, she was forever avoiding it.

Meredith climbed out of the shower and toweled herself off. She wrapped it around herself and walked into their bedroom. Just as she was getting ready to grab a pair of maternity jeans out of her bureau, she heard the phone ring. She walked over to Derek's bedside table and made a grab for it.

"Hello?" Meredith asked softly as she stood there, her hair dripping softly.

"Meredith... Oh god, Mer... Ahhh!" Kristy cried out loudly. Meredith felt her stomach drop. The sound of her friend's voice made her absolutely sick. She started to pant as her heart rate increased and went through the roof.

"Kristy! Oh my god, Kristy! What is going on?" Meredith shouted loudly, Derek running into the room and looking at her.

"It hurts... My water broke... I can't stop... Contractions. I'm in labor!" Kristy yelled as she screamed out in pain and panted.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! We're on our way." Meredith said as she hung up the phone. "Go... Go now. Baby. Kristy. Contractions. Labor!" Meredith shouted as she began running circles around the room. There was no common sense left. She was in a full on panic. She felt her stomach flipping and flopping. She was going to be a mom.

"Kristy is in labor?" Derek asked in shock as he pulled on a pair of jeans. Now he was in a panic. He started pulling out shirt after shirt. He had no idea what he was doing. He was now running circles with Meredith. They both looked insane as they rushed around the room, continually running into one another.

"We have to go. We have to go pick her up." Meredith shouted as she rushed out of the bedroom and down the stairs. She heard Derek's footsteps follow her down. She quickly pulled on a pair of shoes and and rushed into the garage. Derek followed out behind her with her purse and the car keys.

"Are you sure she's in labor?" Derek asked as he ripped out of their garage and down the driveway. He had just talked to Mark. Mark said she was restless. He said noting about her being in labor. And Addison said she would be fine. Derek started breathing quickly as he drove the short distance to their apartment.

"Her water broke!" Meredith yelled loudly, for some reason getting angry with Derek.

"Her water broke?" Derek shouted as he sped up even more. "Oh my god... We need to call Addison!" He told her as he handed her his cell phone. Meredith quickly went through the numbers, finding Addison's.

"Addie..." Meredith said the moment the phone quit ringing. "Kristy is in labor. Her water broke!" Meredith shouted quickly as Derek pulled up to the apartment building.

"Oh my... I'm on my way. I will meet you at Seattle Presbyterian." She said reassuringly. "Don't panic."

Meredith and Derek ran up to the door. Derek quickly turned the handle and rushed in. They both looked at her with wide-eyes as they walked in. She was on the floor, leaned up against the sofa screaming. It was real. It was happening now. Meredith wasn't ready, but it didn't matter. It was happening.

"I'm so scared." Kristy said as she cried and looked up at them.

"it will be okay, Kris. It will be okay." Meredith reassured her as they rushed over. It was happening. And it was happening now. As they worked on getting her up, Mark rushed in.

"Oh my god..." Mark muttered as he ran in. It wasn't his baby. But that was his woman. And he was worried.


	163. Arrival of an Angel

Kristy was loaded into the back of Derek's Yukon Denali. Meredith was in a panic as she sat in the back with her friend. Kristy was taking panting breaths as she closed her eyes. Kristy was managing to stay halfway calm, but she was ready to panic as she looked into Meredith's eyes. Meredith was breathing just as hard as she was, and it wasn't even her carrying the monster.

"Derek... Go faster! I don't know how long I can take this." Meredith told him with a frown as she started to whimper.

"You? Me! I am the one who is trying to push some demon through my vagina. And mind you, it's a vagina that said demon cannot fit through! So shut up, Mer! Shut the fuck- Ahhhh!" She screamed as she gripped the leather seat tightly.

"Oh my god! Oh my god!" Meredith screamed as she looked down at Kristy's painful face.

"Is the baby crowning?" Derek asked frankly as he drove down the road, white knuckles gripping the steering wheel tightly.

"No." Meredith cried out as she looked. "No... No..."

"Then why are you freaking out?" Derek said quickly as he looked back.

"She is in pain... And she's being mean!" Meredith sobbed as she sat there, looking at her friend. She was starting to come to the realization that she would be in the same boat soon enough. And when she was, it was going to be twice as bad.

"You have to hurry!" Kristy gasped as she laid back and started to cry. "I can't do this... I can't do this! I change my mind!"

"Well, Kris... It's a little late t change your mind!" Mark laughed as he looked up at her.

"Fuck you, asshole!" Kristy screamed as she looked up at him. She didn't care. The nice girl that was once there was now gone. Pain was taking her over. "And you, Derek... I hope you suffer a horrible death." She growled as she looked at him.

"If she didn't have Cassidy inside of her, I think I would throw her on the side of the road." Meredith muttered as she sat there, tears falling hard. She was just as worried as Kristy. She didn't want her baby to be born vaginally when she couldn't fit.

"I'm sorry, Mer... I'm so sorry. I'm so scared." She said as the tears began to fall hard. "I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready. I'm a bad friend, I am so sorry!" Kristy whined as Meredith grabbed her hand and rubbed it gently.

"You will be okay, Kris. I promise. Everything will be fine." She told her as she looked into her friend's blue eyes. Derek quickly sped up to the door of Seattle Presbyterian. Before Derek even stopped the car, Mark was jumping out. He quickly ran in and arrived back to the car with a wheelchair in his hands. The group helped Kristy out of the car and into the wheelchair.

"I would never heave your kids, do you hear me, you son of bitch?" Kristy shouted at Mark, who stood there in shock. None of them had ever heard her use some many expletives.

"I hear you, baby. I hear you loud and clear." He told her with a nod as he began pushing the chair. They all looked at each other as they started to walk. This was intense. More than anyone had realized it would be. Everyone rushed into the elevator and made their way up to the floor.

"So how are you feeling?" Addison asked with a smile as she walked up. Kristy have her the look of death and didn't say a word. "How far apart are the contractions?" She asked as they helped her to a bed.

"Seven minutes." Meredith said in a panic. "Oh god... I'm not ready! Derek, we didn't even get the car seat yet! Oh my god!" Meredith told him as she laid her head against his chest.

"Mer! Calm down!" Derek said frankly as he pulled her close. "You need to stop freaking out. Now is not the time." He told her as he looked down. She growled as she looked up at him. No was the time to be freaking out. Right now, their baby was coming into the world and they didn't have anything ready.

"We are going to prep her and get her into the operating room. Meredith and Derek, you will need to get suited up. It's time to see your baby." Addison told them with a smile as she turned on her heel and walked away.

"I'm scared, Mer. I'm so scared." Kristy told her as she looked up. Meredith grabbed her hand a squeezed it firmly.

"We will be right there with you, Kris. You are going to be fine." Meredith reassured her as she gave her a soft kiss. "And thank you... You have no idea how much this means to me." Kristy nodded as a resident wheeled her ways to get her ready.

"Are you ready?" Derek asked Meredith as he leaned towards her and gave her a soft kiss on the head. Meredith drew in a breath and nodded. She was ready. They quickly walked towards the scrub room and began scrubbing their arms and hands and suiting up. With one last look and smile, they walked in. They were going to be parents. Ready or not.

Meredith and Derek watched intently as they wheeled Kristy into the operating room. They had been in the OR countless times. Through their internships and residencies, they had both seen many cesarean sections. But this was different. This time was different then anything that they had ever experienced. They were awaiting the arrival of their baby girl.

"Okay... Are we ready?" Addison asked as she walked up to Kristy. Now Kristy was feeling the effects of the block and she had a smile on her face.

"I am." She replied with a smile and a nod as she looked at all of them. Meredith and Derek took their position at her head as the nurses put up a screen to block the view.

"Are you still scared?" Meredith asked Kristy softly as she rubbed her hand. Derek looked at Meredith. He knew that all that she was seeing was scaring her.

"No." Kristy told them with a sigh. "I'm ready. I feel calm." Kristy told Meredith as she looked at the screen. "So calm."

"Okay, Kristy, you will feel some pressure now and then, but no pain. You shouldn't feel any pain at all. If you do, you tell me, okay?" Addison asked as she stepped around and looked at her. Kristy nodded and laid her head back.

"Seems like a lot of work, and you aren't even getting anything out of it." Derek joked as he looked down at his ex-wife. He and Meredith had both been thinking about what nice gesture they could make for her. She had given them so much.

"I am getting something." Kristy explained softly. "I get to see the look on Meredith's face whens she gets to hold her baby girl. And I get to give my best friends the best gift in the world. I get all that. Plus I get a niece out of the deal!" She giggled as she laid there. Her face suddenly got serious. Meredith and Derek looked up at her and took note.

"Is everything okay, Kristy?" Derek asked with concern. She looked up at him and over at Meredith. She slowly began crying.

"I'm just happy, that's all. The hormones." She said as she looked away. "And pressure... I feel pressure."

"That is completely normal." Addison reassured her. "Meredith, Derek... You will see your daughter in about five minutes." She told them as she looked up.

Five minutes seemed like forever. Five minutes ticked by slowly. It was three hundred seconds of misery and anticipation. Derek kept looking over and Meredith and giving her soft kisses. He wished it was her, but in a short time, it would be. It didn't matter, They were getting their daughter.

"Okay, here comes your little girl." Addison said softly as she lifted the messy baby out. They all immediately heard her dainty cries. Meredith began crying as she watched them clean her off. Her little girl had arrived.

"Ten pounds, one ounce." A nurse said happily as she looked over at Meredith and Derek.

"Holy shit." Meredith cried out as she placed her hand on her stomach. "I don't even want to think about it..." Meredith said frankly. They both watched as the nurse carried the baby over. Meredith began sobbing as she looked down at her daughter's perfect face. She held her gently in her arms and looked over at Derek, who also had tears in his eyes.

"Hello Cassidy Bella..." Derek whispered softly as he brushed her cheek gently. He leaned over and kissed Meredith softly.

"She's beautiful..." Meredith admitted as she looked down at her. "So amazing."

"She is..." Derek agreed as he looked down at his daughter. He was already in love with her. In his eyes, she could do no wrong.

They forgot about Kristy as they looked at their daughter. The rest of the world was gone. Now it was just the three of them together. Meredith was hogging Cassidy as she held her close. Derek smiled as he listened to the love of him life, cooing to the tiny love of his love. Meredith gave her baby a soft kiss and handed her to Derek.

"She couldn't be anymore perfect if she tried." Derek agreed. As he held his daughter close, something crossed his mind. His stomach dropped as he looked at Meredith. "Mom..."

"Oh my god!" Meredith said in a panic. "She is going to kill us! But there was nothing we could do..."

"So is she perfect?" Kristy finally said softly. She wasn't hurt, but a little sad that she had done all the work and they hadn't even offered to let her see the baby girl. She had carried her around for thirty-seven weeks. Even if she wasn't trying to get attached, she would always have a special connection to the little girl.

"Oh, Kris!" Meredith said with a huge grin as she walked over, happy tears pouring from her eyes. "Thank you! Thank you so much. She is amazing. And beautiful. And perfect. I love you Kris, I love you so much!" Meredith said as she leaned down and hugged her friend gently. "Derek! Let her see Cassidy!" Meredith told him, shooting him a glare. Derek walked over and held the baby in front of Kristy. They both watched as she began to cry softly, seeing the baby that she had carried for so long. It was a miracle, it really was.

They slowly sewed Kristy up. Meredith and Derek were surprised that Mark didn't insist on doing the perfect sutures. Derek wanted to go out and tell him that everything went well, but he couldn't leave his daughter. Not yet. Kristy was being so kind and nice as she laid in her bed just watching the happy family. Meredith and Derek were naturals as the loved on their daughter. They both frowned when the nurse came back to take Cassidy away.

Meredith and Derek watched as they wheeled Kristy to recovery. They made their way to the scrub room and disrobed. They both had permanent smiles on their faces that would not go away. They were parents. That quickly, they were an instant mom and dad. The opened the door and walked into the hallway, seeing Mark standing there.

"Congratulations!" Mark told them both as he walked up and pulled them into an embrace. He couldn't be any happier for them if he tried.

"Thanks, Mark. Did you see her?" Derek asked, always the proud parent. He could not stop what he felt. He didn't care if he looked like a fool. He was father. The minute he saw her, she stole his heart. And he never wanted to feel any different than he did at that moment.

"So is beautiful. She looked just like her mom!" Mark said with a smile as he pulled Meredith close to him. "Congrats, the baby finally has her own baby." Mark looked into her bright green eyes. How far they had come. She was just a girl they all met at a party. She was a kid that he teased. And now she was an amazing woman who was going to be the perfect mother.

"I'm a mom..." She said in shock to herself. She never thought it would actually happen. She wanted to be a mom so badly, and now she was. And she still had two more on the way.

"You are, Mer... We are parents. We really are." Derek muttered in disbelief. "They are taking Kris to recovery. Do you want to come with us?" He asked with a smile. He just wanted to show his baby off.

"Of course." Mark agreed as they walked along. "So Seattle Grace has to be pretty empty. Neuro, Cardio, Plastics and a nurse all missing."

"Oh shit! I never... In all the confusion, I never called Bailey." Derek said with a wince. Meredith looked up at him in a panic. She couldn't believe that he had forgotten that.

"Relax. I called her up and let her know what was going on." Mark explained as they walked up to the glass. Meredith and Derek peered in at their perfect baby sleeping peacefully. She looked adorable. "Much cuter than the others... Look at those cheekbones." Mark joked as he looked in. He thought all babies looked the same.

"She is. She really is." Meredith agreed with a nod. "I will never get over this feeling. It is so amazing." Meredith told Derek as she leaned against him.

Right now everything was perfect. It wouldn't always be perfect, nothing was. Of course they would fight. Of course there would be tragedies. But at the moment, life was just the way it was supposed to be. And no one could take that away.


	164. Bundle of Joy

Meredith and Derek walked into Kristy's room. It seemed unfair for her to be sitting in the bed. She looked completely spent, eyes closed and relaxing. Mark smiled when they walked in. Meredith knew that soon enough she would be in Kristy's shoes. She was excited about it, but at the same time, she was terrified.

"How is she?" Derek asked as they walked up and sat on the small sofa by the window. At least she was sleeping. And he knew that Addison was controlling any pain she may be having.

"She is great." Mark said with a smile. He would never understand how she could find it in her heart to give them such an amazing gift.

"Has she been resting?" Meredith questioned as she looked at her friend.

She wanted to make sure that she was okay. She wanted to make sure that she wasn't regretting anything. She knew that being a surrogate can be an emotional whirlwind. she had always been afraid that Kristy would get attached to Cassidy and never want to let her go. Luckily that didn't seem to be the case. It seemed that Kristy did love the little baby, but she respected that she was not her own.

Meredith and Derek looked up to see a delivery of flowers come in. They had ordered her the biggest bouquet they could find. On thing that always hurt Kristy was that during their whole marriage, Derek never ordered her flowers. In fact, he refused. He refused to give her any affection. Meredith knew that when she woke up she would love them. The delivery man placed them on her bedside table and walked out with a nod.

"Dr. Shepherd?" A nurse said as she wheeled Cassidy in. "Are you ready to nurse your daughter?"

Meredith looked up. That was one thing that she had been working on. She was inducing lactation. She was pumping, daily with a breast pump. It wasn't hard because she was already pregnant and the prolactin and oxytocin were flowing through her. The only problem would be that her milk may not be as good for the twins. She was hoping that the extra hormones near the end of her pregnancy would give her the necessary boost.

"I am." Meredith agreed with a smile as she looked at Derek. Derek grabbed her hand softly as the nurse walked over and placed the baby in her arms. "She is so beautiful." Meredith mused as she looked down at her daughter.

"She is." Derek agreed as he touched her little hand.

"I will be back to get her in a bit." The nurse explained as she walked out, leaving them alone.

"I need to grab a coffee. Do either of you guys want something?" Mark asked, wanting ti ket them have their special moment to themselves. They nodded their head no and went right back to their daughter. She was the only thing in their world at the moment.

"Look at those eyes!" Derek said happily as he looked down at her light blue eyes.

"They probably won't stay that way, Derek." Meredith reminded him as she studied her perfect daughter. She felt the tears begin to prick her eyes. After all the fight that she had went through and here she was. She really was their miracle baby. "Cassidy... Cassidy Bella... Look at mommy's angel." Meredith told her as she kissed the baby on the head softly.

"Aren't you going to nurse her?" Derek asked as Meredith just sat there hiding her baby. "Because if you don't, she is going to dehydrate." He laughed as he looked at his sleepy daughter.

"What if she doesn't?" Meredith asked. She was afraid that the baby would reject her. In the back of her head, she was worried that the baby would want Kristy instead of her.

"Meredith, she is your baby. You are her mom. She's been listening to you talk to her for almost nine months. She knows who her mom is. It is your blood running through her tiny veins. She is our girl. It will be fine." He told her with a nod as he stuck his finger to Cassidy's mouth. She hastily started sucking. "It will be okay."

"Are you ready, Cass?" Meredith asked as she lifted her shirt gently. Meredith held the baby to her nipple. If she refused, it would break her heart. The baby took hold and looked up at Meredith before she closed her eyes and began sucking happily. "Oh Derek..." Meredith said softly as she looked down at her child.

"It's amazing, Mer. All of it." Derek agreed as he leaned over and kissed Meredith on the side of her head. Derek watched as the baby suckled gently. He had never seen Meredith so content and natural in her life. Her sole purpose was that baby.

"She's beautiful, Mer." Kristy said tiredly as she looked up. She was enjoying the sight of Meredith nursing her baby. It looked so perfect. It made all of the pain worthwhile.

The perfect family all sat there together. Mother, father and daughter. And two more were on the way. As Derek looked at his wife and child, he only had love in his eyes. Nothing could ever take away the feelings he had at the moment. It was truly perfection. All the fight was worth it.

------------------

Ellis stood at the glass. Her granddaughter was just on the other side. She couldn't believe it. She was chief of surgery, and she could rush in there if she wanted. She didn't have rule over the OB floor, but there was a mutual respect from all doctors. But she couldn't do it. In her heart, she knew that she had ruined a relationship with Meredith forever. So she would respect the boundaries and look from afar.

Ellis didn't even feel Richard come up. The relationship between the three of them was strained. Meredith had been able to forgive Richard because he was genuinely sorry. But after she realized that he had returned to the life with Ellis, she couldn't accept that. She knew about love, but all that went out the window when it came to her mother. So there was no relationship.

Richard looked in at Meredith's daughter. His granddaughter. Maybe not by blood, but she was his granddaughter in his heart. He admired the beautiful little girl as he pulled Ellis close. The baby looked just like Meredith. He knew Meredith when she was born. He remembered looking in at her, right alongside Thatcher. As he looked over at his wife, he could see the ache in her heart.

"Can I help you, Dr. Grey?" A nurse said as she walked out and looked at Ellis. She could see the sad look in the older woman's eyes. It was like she was missing out on something.

"That's my granddaughter." Ellis said in shock as she stood there. Apparently, she was one of the few hospital staff that knew that. Everyone had known.

"Oh." The nurse told her as she looked in at Cassidy. She wanted to offer to let the woman hold her only grandchild, but she knew she had no right to offer that. "She is beautiful..."

"She looks just like her mother did when she was born." Ellis said frankly. The nurse nodded her head and walked away. "Oh Richard... What did we do?" She asked as she began to cry. I just want to hold her." She told him as she laid her head down against his chest. At the moment, for once, Ellis Grey didn't care that people could see her in a moment of weakness.

"I know, Ellis. I know. I want to touch her so badly." He agreed as he stood there, a tear sliding down his cheek. "I love her. Just looking at her, I love her." He told her softly as he stared through the glass at the sleeping baby with the light blonde hair.

"At least she got her baby." Ellis muttered as she stood there. "I would have never forgiven myself if she could never have a child."

"And she has two more on the way... Our little girl is a mom. I can't help but think back to the first time she rode a bike. She was so scared, but she put her trust in me. I never thought it would end this way. I thought we would have a lifetime with her. And it was... We lost her. When we let her die. When we let her believe Derek was dead. All that we worried about... None of it mattered, because we still lost her. And now she has this life with Derek. It's everything she ever wanted. And she's happy. I'm just glad. Even if we don't have her... She is happy. For once in her life, she is truly happy." Richard muttered as he looked at the baby, who was now beginning to fuss. He little face scrunched up just like Meredith's did.

"We will never get to hold that little girl..." Ellis muttered as she looked at the baby, mesmerized by her.

"Grandparents have rights." Richard pointed out frankly. He immediately regretted saying it. Even if they had legal right, they had no moral rights to anything in her life.

"I think we have lost that for all eternity." Ellis pointed out as she leaned against him. "Oh... She is upset. Look at her. Oh she is mad!"

"You aren't kidding. Look at that face. She looks like she is ready to kill... That little furrowed brow!" Richard pointed out. So they watched from afar. It was better than nothing.

Meredith was getting nervous. She hadn't gone home. She couldn't leave her baby in the hospital and go home and sleep. It was impossible. She didn't understand how a parent could leave their sick baby in the hospital and go home every night. She looked over at Derek. He had to leave. He had to leave right now.

"Derek! We need car seats! I can't believe what a procrastinator you are." She growled. Cassidy was nearly ready to go home, and Derek never left the hospital.

"Mer..." He muttered as he looked up. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay there with her.

"No! Don't Mer me... You have got to do something. And I... I can't leave. I need to be here to feed her. And- Take Mark! You can take Mark and you two can go buy car seats. I will stay here with Kris. Derek.. I can't take this... You have to. We have to have a way to get her home..." Meredith started to cry as she sat there. The hormones were taking her down to the ground.

"Okay, baby. We'll go. Mark and I will go get a car seat, okay?" He asked in desperation as his wife sat there and sobbed heavily. "It's okay, Mer... Don't worry. This is okay. Mark and I will go." He said as he nodded at Mark and they both quickly jumped up and walked away.

"I need to see Cass first." Derek told him frankly as he headed towards the nursery. Mark nodded and followed the man to see his child. They both looked up in shock. This was not good.

Derek felt anger immediately. He wanted to pummel them. They had no right to even look at his daughter. Mark placed his hand in front of him, to signal him to calm down. These people ruined his life, and now they thought they could look at his daughter. No. He wasn't putting up with that.

Derek walked up to the pair. Somehow, the anger went away as he looked at his little girl. He looked up at Ellis, who had tears in her eyes. He slowly looked over at Cassidy sleeping peacefully. All of the anger and frustration was gone. It was replaced by peace. His daughter had that hold over him

"Derek... Congratulations. I'm sorry... We'll go." Ellis said quickly as she started to walk away. Richard looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Wait." Derek said with a sigh. "Do you want to hold her?" He asked with a smile. He hated them. But at the moment, he loved her so much more.

"Really?" Ellis asked in shock. Derek couldn't believe the smile that covered her face. It was like he gave a small child the pony she always wanted.

"Why don't you come meet your granddaughter?" He asked as the walked in the nursery. His face lit up as he looked at his little girl.

"Hello, Dr. Shepherd... Would you like to hold Cassidy?" The nurse asked with a smile. Ellis and Richard smiled at the beautiful name.

"Actually, I think her grandparents would." Derek told her as he accepted the baby, giving her a kiss. He gently placed her in Ellis' arms. He was amazed at the tears that were now flowing down her cheeks freely. It was like he had given her the greatest gift.

"She is so beautiful." Ellis pointed out as she kissed her gently on the forehead. She slowly walked over to a chair and sat down. "Hey Cassidy... You look so much like your mama did. And that is a good thing. Your mama is so great." She said as she cried.

"Thank you, Derek. You didn't have to do it. But you did. And you have no idea how much I respect you for that. So thank you. Thank you so much." Richard told him with a smile as he walked over.

Derek watched they three of them. He couldn't tell Meredith. Eventually, but not today. He couldn't deny them their grandchild. Even if they were vile and evil, they did have a heart. He knew that Richard loved Meredith with all his heart. They deserved to meet her just once, even if that was all they would ever get.

After awhile the nurse walked over and took Cassidy back. It was time for her feeding. She laid her down and wheeled her out of the nursery. Ellis and Richard walked over with smiles on their faces. Derek looked in shock as he saw Ellis coming at him, with her arms out for a hug. He quietly accepted it. He was surprised at how much power a little girl had over everyone.

"Thank you, Derek... She's amazing. I'm so happy for you guys." Ellis said as she turned and walked away. Derek stood there for a second before he walked out to meet Mark. Mark looked at him with a smile on his face.

"That was good, Der. You did good. I don't know if I would have been able to. But you did the right thing. I have never seen the dragon so happy!" Mark said in shock as he watched them walk away.

"I know. I wanted to kill them. When I saw them- My first thought was tragic suffering death. But she changed me. She is innocent. And at that moment, my hatred was taken away. I won't ever let them hurt her. I will protect her. But she deserves her family. And they love her." Derek told him with a nod as they walked off.

"That was deep, man. You- Fatherhood has really done a number on you. Shit!" Mark laughed as he looked at the soft version of his friend. He was glad he would never be like that.

"Yeah... I don't really know how to answer that." Derek admitted as they went into the elevator. "And to think, I have two more on the way."

"You are going to want to shoot yourself." Mark told him frankly. "And I can't wait to see you knee deep in spit-up and dirty diapers!"

"Fuck you, Man. Fatherhood, it does something to you, man. I mean... I think I am turning into a woman. But thats okay. That is the weird shit. I don't even care. I'm a dad. And the world is fucking perfect!" Derek smiled as they walked over to his Denali. "Now let's go get some car seats. If we are going to do this, we are doing it right!" He laughed as he climbed in the car. One chapter was now closed. And the next one was going to be better than ever.


	165. New Home

Derek was still in shock that he actually showed some compassion to Ellis and Richard. He always swore that he would hate them for all eternity. But when he saw them, he was amazed. Ellis seemed so genuine as she looked in at his little girl. As rotten as they had been to Meredith, he knew at one point they did love her. And he knew that they loved their granddaughter. It was impossible not to.

"So what is the game plan?" Mark asked as he sat in the passenger seat of Derek's Denali. He had to shake his head at his friend's foolishness. He had a smile a mile wide that wasn't going anywhere.

"Well, we need to get some car seats. And anything else that has Cassidy's name on it. I always swore that I wouldn't spoil her. But damn-it, it's just too hard not to." Derek chuckled as he thought about how he had purchased every baby item that he could find in the hospital gift shop.

"I mean with Ellis and Richard. You do realize that Meredith is going to flip her lid when she finds out that you let the dragon hold her first born, right?" Mark pointed out. He thought it was the right thing to do when he saw Derek do it. but now he was wondering. He was wondering if Ellis tainted the little girl with the poison she spewed so easily.

"I can't tell her. Not yet." Derek said with a sigh. He knew that Meredith was going to be more than angry with him. They had talked about it before, and decided that Ellis would never touch their children.

"And what are you going to do if the queen bitch tells Meredith before you do?" Mark asked. It was an honest question, that could really pose a problem.

"She won't tell... I mean, I put myself out there. So- She- Shit! This is bad. We can't have secrets." Derek pointed out as he thought to himself. He and Meredith never had secrets, and this one was huge. And he didn't trust Ellis as far as he could throw her. Now he was beginning to wonder if Ellis was already in the room, spreading it around, ready to hurt her daughter. "Fuck..."

"Exactly." Mark agreed, knowing what his friend was thinking. It was becoming and even more difficult situation than they had thought.

"I need to tell her. Even if she gets mad, I have got to say something to her." Derek agreed with a sigh. Right now he had to focus on his task. But it would be lingering in his mind the whole time.

"You're right, nothing is worse than a pissed off Meredith. Not to mention, this is- This is fucked. I mean, I know you thought you were doing a good thing... But now you have to tell her, and you guys are taking Cassidy home today. This was supposed to me a good day, and she will be thinking about that." Mark told Derek with a frown.

Derek sat in the seat silently. Mark was right. He never thought an innocent pleasant gesture would cause such a problem. If they went right back to Meredith and told her, she would be beyond upset. She would obsess over it for days. She would be angry with him. At the moment, she was carrying two of his children inside of her, and she did not need the stress. This was one of those moments where he wished he could go back. Just for a second. Then he could change it all.

"So... What do you know about car seats?" Mark asked with a chuckle. Two unexperienced men shopping for car seats was a scary picture to envision.

"I have no knowledge of car seats. I guess... I know that Mer and I were supposed to research this... We just thought we had another week. And Mer has been so busy. I don't know. I guess we are starting out pretty badly." He said with a sigh as he pulled into the parking lot and put the car in park.

"Well I think you guys will get into the swing." Mark said with a sigh as he opened up his door. Both men walked into the store and looked around. They had no idea.

"Can I help you?" A saleswoman asked as she walked up with a smile on her face.

"I need car seats." Derek told her with a nod and a smile. "And I have no idea what to get. My baby is coming home, and I guess- This was something we should have done sooner."

"It happens." She said with a smile as she led the way. "So is this your first baby?" She asked Mark and Derek.

"Yes, it is. And I- I just want her to have the best." Derek told her with a nod.

"Well, I we have several models available. Some I love, and others honestly aren't worth the money. I will show you the features, maybe some pros and cons." She told him with a nod as she walked up. "This one is our most popular. This is the Chicco. I like it, but it tends to put your baby in a ninety degree angle. A lot of people love it, I guess it depends on the size and shape of your baby..."

"She's a big girl. Ten pounds." Derek explained. He watched the woman's eyes get wide.

"Oh wow... Well, I think I would suggest the Primo Viaggio SIP by Peg Perego. It's a bit more expensive at Two-hundred and fifty dollars, but I think you would be very happy with it. It is very easy to use and keep clean. And it's fairly light to carry around. So what is your little girl's name?" She asked as she looked at Mark. Mark and Derek looked at each other quickly. It was obvious that she thought they were together.

"Oh no! She isn't mine..." Mark said with a frown. "We're... He and I... We're not together. He has a wife."

"Oh! I'm so- I didn't mean-" She stammered as she looked around.

"I'll take this one." Derek told her quickly, easing the air. "Six of them."

"Six?" She asked in shock as she looked at him like he was crazy. "Generally you only need one seat..."

"Oh... I know. My wife is pregnant with twins. She's due in twelve weeks. I need a seat for her car, and mine. And we will have three babies... So I need six."

"Oh... Wow." She told him in shock as she nodded her head. "Six... I have to see if we have that many in stock."

"Oh, and six of those bundle things... Two in pink, two in green, and two in blue." Derek shouted after her.

"Blue?" Mark asked with a chuckle, knowing they didn't know the sexes of the twins. "What if you don't have a boy?"

"Hey... I am getting a boy out of this deal." Derek told him frankly. "I better be..." He laughed as he shook his head. He did not want to die from drowning in estrogen.

----------------

Derek handed over his credit card. Maybe he was crazy. But two-grand for his babies was nothing. It was nothing at all. These were his children, his progeny, the future. Derek signed the receipt and handed it back. He wanted them to have the best, and to the best of his knowledge, he had just gotten them the best.

Derek and Mark walked to the car, the salesperson following behind them. They had carts and carts full of baby stuff. He wanted things ready for his children. He quickly opened up the back of the Denali and began throwing things in. He grabbed one cars seat and ripped the box open. He wasn't going to do it at the hospital. He didn't want the possible humiliation of him attempting to get it right.

"Man, that is one expensive seat." Mark laughed as he looked at it. "Plastic gold..."

"No kidding. But it's the best. She said was the best." Derek told him with a nod as he looked at the care seat and at the back seat of the car. He placed it in and smiled. The anchor system made it a cinch. "That was almost too easy."

"Maybe it isn't safe..." Mark said with a frown and he rocked it. The car seat didn't move as he pushed and pulled it hard. "It's safe." Mark agreed as he looked up at Derek, who nodded his head..

"Okay, we need to get back." Derek told Mark as he shut the door and walked to the side of the car. Derek climbed into the driver's seat and turned the car on.

"So, I bet mom was excited. She has been waiting for you to spawn for a long time." Mark chuckled as he sat there. It was no secret that Derek was near being the favorite. And everyone knew that once he had a child, it would move to the top of the list.

Derek turned white. He forgot. He wasn't even sure how he forgot. He had no idea. He felt his stomach flop as he say there, not driving anywhere. He never call Linda and told her she was a grandma. Even Ellis had seen his daughter. He was in so much trouble with his mom, it wasn't even funny. He wasn't even sure where to go from here. He waited to long.

"I forgot." Derek said in shock. "She is... She's mom. I forgot mom." He stammered as he stared straight ahead.

"She will never forgive you for this." Mark told him in disgust. He had no idea how Derek could forget his mom. They had always been close. They drifted apart when he was with Kristy, but they were still close and he was her only son.

"I know. What do I do?" Derek asked with a frown. Now he was making mistake after mistake. First letting Ellis hold the baby. And now forgetting to tell his mom.

"I would say call her right now. Pretend the baby was just born." Mark told him with a big nod. "It will take her at least a day to get here... She will never know the difference."

"Oh, yes... She will never know the difference? Mark, everything is going to have Cassidy's birth date on it. She will find out. I can't believe I fucked up this bad." Derek told him as he threw the car into reverse. "I guess... I call her. Now." Derek groaned as he flipped his phone open and found her number.

"Hello?" Linda asked softly.

"Hi, mom... It's Derek." Derek said softly as he drove down the road.

"Oh my god! Is everything okay?" Linda asked in a panic. "Did Kristy go into labor? Are the babies okay? Is Meredith okay?" She asked nervously as she went down the line of possibilities.

"Everything is... Mom, you are a grandmother." Derek told her frankly. He was waiting for the burning sting of his mother's anger.

"Son, I know that." Linda said, not understanding what he was getting at.

"No, mom... Kristy went into labor. They did a cesarean two days ago. Cassidy Bella is here. She was born. Ten pounds, one ounce." Derek explained as he winced, waiting fro the storm.

"WHAT?" She shouted loudly into the phone. This was bad. He was in so much trouble. "What do you mean, Cassidy is here? What do you mean, two days ago? TWO DAYS?" She yelled. "The baby was born two days ago and you didn't call me?" She screamed.

"I'm sorry.. It was fast. And chaotic. I guess... Fuck." He finally settled on and he shook his head.

Derek saw Mark laughing. He had no right to laugh. When mama Shepherd was mad, the world suffered. Derek had always feared making his mom mad. And this time, he had done it to the maximum. This was by far the worst thing he had ever done. He knew she wanted to be here for the birth of his first child. And he knew that at the very least, she wanted to know the minute her granddaughter was born.

"Don't you dare use that language with me!" Linda yelled. "I can't believe you did this to me, Derek. I just can't get over it. How could you leave me in the dark?"

"Mom... I am so sorry. We were so excited. I was supposed to call. Mer reminded me in the OR. I'm so sorry, mom." Derek told her with a sigh.

"I'm getting a ticket. Right now. I guess I'm going to be the last person in the world to see my granddaughter..." She complained as she clicked on the soonest departure.

"Mom... I'm sorry." Derek apologized once again.

"I will be there soon, Derek." She told him as she hung up the phone.

"Fuck." Derek spat as they pulled into the hospital parking lot. Mark sat in his seat laughing heartily. "Fuck you, man... Someday, you will get it too."

"Yeah, I doubt that. Mom loves me more!" Mark joked as he jumped out of the car.

"She just lets you think that." Derek told him frankly as he walked towards the doors. "Man... Mer is going to be hit by a shit wall. But I am thinking I'm not going to tell her about mom. I guess I will let her be the innocent one in this one."

Derek rushed upstairs and to Kristy's room. He was carrying the new car seat that he was so proud of. He wouldn't wait to put his baby in it for the first time. He walked into the room and looked at Meredith, who was nursing Cassidy. He had never seen anything more beautiful in his life.

"The very best for my little girl!" Derek told her as he walked over and kissed his nursing daughter on the head. "The saleswoman said it was the best of the line." Derek explained as he sat it down.

"You did good, Derek." Meredith agreed as she rubbed Cassidy's head gently. "It's perfect."

"So is my girl ready to go home?" Derek asked as he looked at Meredith and then over at Kristy.

"I think she is. Addison signed her away a few minutes ago. And it seems Kristy is getting out of this prison too." Meredith explained as she looked up at a dressed Kristy sitting in the bed.

"It's about time you show up, you poopy head!" Kristy told Mark as he walked in. "Im finally free."

"Poopy head?" Mark asked with a chuckle as he looked at her. "What the hell."

"Baby safe language." Kristy explained as she pointed to Cassidy. "All of our swearing had to end. Little ears." She giggled as she looked at Mark, who was shaking his head.

"Well, if we get to go... We should go." Derek said with a smile. He couldn't wait to get his little girl to their house. And he couldn't wait for Marley to meet her.

"We should." Meredith agreed as she held Cassidy against her and listened to the little baby burp softly. "So, Kris... Are you coming home with us?" Meredith asked as she looked at her. She was worried about Kristy being left home alone.

"No... Mark has taken a few days off." Kristy explained as she looked at all of them. "But don't worry... Iw ill be around. Like I can stay away from my girl." She said as she walked over and kissed Cassidy on the head.

"I didn't think so." Meredith said as she laid her sleeping baby into the carrier. Derek strapped her in gently and grabbed the handle.

The group walked through the hospital. They were family. It may be an odd family, but it was perfect to them. Meredith watched Cassidy the whole time they walked through the hallway. She was so worried that Derek would bump or drop her. As soon as they stepped on the elevator, Meredith brushed her cheek with her finger.

Derek proudly walked to the car and placed the carrier into the spot and clicked it in. So easy. He was glad that he purchased the one he did. Meredith climbed in the back seat next to her daughter. Derek didn't say a word, he knew that Meredith needed to be there with her daughter. Derek started the car and began the baby's first ride.

"I still can't get over the fact that we didn't see my mom..." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"About that..." Derek said nervously. He was so screwed. So incredibly screwed.


	166. Home

Meredith looked down at her daughter. Her little miracle. She was the love of Meredith's life. It went from Derek, to Derek who. She gently touched the infant's cheek. All she had to do to be content for the rest of her life was to look at this little baby's face. She leaned down and kissed her daughter on the head. Her little angel. Meredith finally remembered that Derek was talking to her.

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked softly. "We were talking about by mom... and you said about that. What did you mean?"

"Well..." Derek started with a sigh. He was afraid to tell her. He was afraid that she may lunge at him from behind and strangle his throat. Then he remembered that Cassidy was in the car. That was going to save him. "This day is one I don't ever want to forget. And I don't want to taint it. So let's just forget it for now." Derek finally said in defeat.

"What? Derek, you seriously cannot do that. Now I will worry. I don't want to wonder what the hell you were going to tell me for all eternity. Whatever it is, just spit it out." Meredith said quickly. There was nothing she hated more than when someone would tease her with a question or information that they had. She needed to know what he was going to say.

"Well... I need to tell you something. But I don't want you to get upset. And I don't want this to ruin our day. This day is so big. And this... It's- I let your mom hold Cass." Derek told her regrettably as he looked in the rearview mirror. The look on her face said it all. She was angry, hurt and upset.

"What do you mean, you let her hold Cassidy? Derek! We agreed. We agreed that she would have absolutely nothing to do with our children. I can't believe you did this. How could you? How could you do it, Derek?" She asked painfully as her green eyes met his blue in the mirror.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I didn't mean to make you upset. It was- It was earlier. Before I went to get the car seat, I wanted to go see Cassidy. Your mother and Richard were there looking in at her. I wanted to hurt them, Mer. I was so pissed. But I couldn't. I looked at the tears in Ellis' eyes and the regret on Richard's face, and then I looked at Cassidy. She looked so content and peaceful. I couldn't deny them that. Not just once. They- It's the damn baby waves. It takes you over and you lose control. I'm sorry, Mer... I really am." Derek told her with a frown as he looked at her.

"I just- They don't deserve to know her. They ruin lives. My mother kept me away from you for fourteen years, Derek! Fourteen! Did you forget that?" Meredith asked as tears began rolling down her cheeks. "Cassidy is way late. We were supposed to start this all a long time ago. And it's their fault. And now Cass has been exposed to my mom's evil. It's not right, Derek. They didn't deserve that."

"They didn't. But Cass... Ellis and Richard are her family. And I know they may be crappy family, but they are what she has. And she does deserve to know. We can protect her, but we shouldn't deny her." Derek told Meredith frankly. "This is not even an issue. She held her for a few minutes and she left. I doubt she will be asking for rights and time."

"It's okay, Derek... It's- I know why you did it. You are an amazing man. A forgiving man. I can't blame you for being you. That is the reason I fell in love with you." She told him as she looked down at her daughter. She was so amazing. Even more amazing because they created her. "I just- Not today... But we need to decide what we are going to do in the future."

"I love you, baby." Derek told her simply as he pulled into their garage. They were home. It was the first day home with their new baby. Derek was more than excited and he was sure that Meredith was feeling the same way.

"I have so much to do." Meredith said with a sigh. She was exhausted. She hadn't done anything the last three but spend every moment in the hospital with Cassidy.

"What do we need to do? I will help." Derek told her frankly as he put the car in park and shut the door.

"Everything. We have nothing ready. At least the nursery is." Meredith told him with a frown. "Well, kind of." She added as she thought about it. Meredith opened her car door as Derek made his way around to the other side. He wasn't even waiting for her. He was in such a hurry to be the perfect dad and to do it all himself.

"She is a sound sleeper. Let's hope she stays that way. Mommy and Daddy are loud." Derek told her as he threw the bags over his shoulder and carried his daughter in the other hand.

"Are you already talking about sex?" Meredith asked in shock. "I'm so sorry, Cass... Daddy is... He has issues. Big time issues." She told her baby with a smile.

"No... Daddy just loves mommy way too much to be without her. In any way, shape or form." He added with a grin as Meredith pushed the door open.

"Marley! How is mama's big guy?" Meredith asked as she knelt down to see the dog. She had been reading any and everything she could about introducing your dog to your baby. It seemed the key was to make sure that he knew he was still loved. "Cassidy is here, Marley." She told him with a pat on the head. Marley ran straight over to Cassidy in the carrier and began barking loudly. Meredith and Derek watched as Cassidy jerked and began screaming.

"And so it begins..." Derek said with a smile.

"Marley... Marley... Hush!" Meredith said quickly as she bent down to him. Cassidy cried as loudly as she could, which was the daintiest little cry they had ever heard. "It's okay, Mar... You have to be quiet. And gentle."

"Oh, Cass." Derek told the little baby as he sat the carrier down on the countertop and grabbed the baby out. "You are such a big girl!" Derek told her as he kissed her softly.

"Derek..." Meredith whined as she patted Marley on the head. "This is- Fine. Just hog her then." Meredith grumbled as she looked up at him. She hated that. She wanted to see her baby too, and she was getting the feeling that Derek was going to hog their daughter.

"How is daddy's little angel?" Derek asked Cassidy as he walked her around the house, not even realizing that Meredith had said a word to him.

Meredith sighed as she stood up. Marley seemed content to have her attention. He wasn't even acknowledging the baby in Derek's arms. Meredith looked over at Derek and Cassidy and made her way upstairs. She walked into the nursery and grabbed everything that she needed to wash. It was supposed to be done already, but time had escaped her. She needed to get things done. So much for Derek helping her.

Meredith carried the huge basket down the stairs and placed the laundry in the washer. She had special baby safe laundry detergent for Cassidy's baby soft skin. She looked at the mess in front of her. There would be a ton of stuff to fold and put away.

Marley followed Meredith back upstairs as she began her ascend. She was actually a little miffed at Derek. He was stuck in baby mode, not even realizing that she was busting her ass. If she didn't get it done, Cassidy wouldn't even have a place to sleep. She quickly began dusting the nursery from top to bottom, and then she ran the vacuum over the large rug in the center of the room.

Meredith ran back down the stairs and went to work on the laundry. She had all of Cassidy's new things to wash so that the baby would have something to wear tonight. She sighed as she threw the clothes on the folding table and started folding the tiny onsies and outfits that she had. The baby had more clothes than she would ever wear. Meredith pulled out her stuffed white bear that Derek had gotten from the gift shop. She placed them all in the laundry basket and began putting everything away. She placed the fresh bedding on the bed and placed her clean stuffed animals in the corned.

"Owe..." Meredith gasped as she grabbed her stomach. She felt a shooting pain across her abdomen. She reached up to her head and felt the sweat pouring out of her from over working. She walked backwards until she hit the chair. As she sat down, Marley rushed up to her and whined. She could tell by his look that he was worried. "It's okay, Mar." Meredith said as she patted his head. "Mama is okay. I think I overdid it. And I think you need a bath. You should have had a bath before Cass came home. Damn-it. We are- We're horrible parents."

Meredith laid her head back. She was exhausted. She wanted nothing more than to go down and hold her baby, but she knew that Derek wanted the time with her too. And she wasn't convinced she could make it down the stairs. She had went up and down so many times she lost count. She laid her head back and held her stomach as the pains stopped.

"And this is your room..." Derek said as he walked in with his daughter.

"Mmmm... And this is your life source." Meredith muttered as she looked up sleepily.

"Mer... Are you okay? You look drained." Derek told her with a frown. He looked at Cassidy and then back ay Meredith.

"Hmm... I wonder why?" Meredith snapped as she looked up at him. It was impossible for her to stay mad at him when she looked into his eyes. "Maybe because I did it all. With no freaking help!"

"You did? Mer... I told you I would help." Derek told her with a frown. "Why didn't you ask me?"

"Well, I didn't think I had to. Come on, Derek. I know you heard me running the vacuum. I have been running around just trying to make a place for our daughter to sleep. I hope you enjoyed your time with her. I know I have." Meredith told him grumpily.

"Oh, honey... I'm so sorry. I guess... I'm a jerk. I was so wrapped up in her, I lost track of time." Derek told her with a smile. "And I think baby is hungry." He told Meredith as Cassidy started to whimper. Meredith lifted her shirt and opened her nursing bra. Cassidy quickly latched on like she hadn't ate in an eternity.

"Cass, I'm mom. I am responsible for your nutrition and partially responsible for your life. Use me and abuse me. And I guess daddy can have all the fun." She said with a sigh as she laid her head back.

"You're tired." Derek said with a frown. "I'm going to run you a bath." He told her as he walked away. Meredith let her gaze fall to her perfect daughter. It really was great. All of it.

Meredith placed Cassidy in her crib. The baby looked so comfortable as she laid there, sleeping peacefully. Meredith just stood there and watched her baby sleep. She still couldn't believe that she was actually there. She was actually alive and well in her crib.

"Why don't you get in the bath?" Derek suggested as he walked in and wrapped his arm around her.

"That sounds good." Meredith agreed as she flipped the baby monitor on and looked up at him. Derek leaned in and kissed her on the head. He frowned when he realized she was so sweaty. He immediately felt guilty for letting her do it all. He knew he would have to stop doing that.

"I'm going to make something for dinner. You take a nice long bath, okay?" He asked as he walked her out of the nursery and flipped off the light, the tiny light on the table coming on.

"Okay." Meredith agreed as she stumbled into their bedroom and yawned.

[imghttp://images. smiled as she walked into the master bathroom. Derek had candles lit all over the bathroom and the warm air immediately relaxed her. She pulled off her maternity jeans and her panties. She pulled her top off and looked at her huge abdomen in the mirror. She was getting really big.

Meredith looked at the garden bathtub. She was wondering how it best to bet herself down inside. She let out a moan as she sat on the side and attempted to throw a leg over. She shook her head as she sat straddled on the bathtub. She spun around and put both feet in the water, slowly sinking down in. It was perfect. The feeling that she felt when she laid in the warm water was enough to absolve Derek of all wrong doings.

"So... Your sister is already here. Can you believe it?" Meredith asked her babies as she placed her hand on her stomach. They kicked gently, her hand moving slightly. "Mommy and daddy can't wait to see you. But you can't come too soon. No, you can't. We're not ready." Meredith explained as she laid her head back and closed her eyes.

Meredith took a good long soak. She was feeling more tired than when she got in. She was now ready for a nice long nap. She laid there, contemplating how she would get out. She finally gave up and laid there. Derek would save her eventually. But waiting was no fun as she began to prune and get cold.

"Derek!" She yelled loudly, knowing he was in the kitchen.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked nervously as he ran in. He looked at Meredith, who was in desperation.

"I need help. I can't get out." She said with a sigh. "I tried. It just won't work." She whined as she looked at him.

"Oh, baby... Let me help you." He said as he grabbed her gently. He smiled, he thought she was sexier than ever with his children bouncing around inside of her.

"I'm a cow, I know." She muttered as she grabbed her thick robe and wrapped it around her. She didn't even have the energy to get dressed.

"Not even. Unbelievably sexy. Now, if you said that, I would agree." Derek told her as he kissed her on the head. "You go get in bed. I will bring you your dinner." Derek told her as he walked out.

Meredith walked to the bed. She was in shock that he was going to let her eat in bed. More than shock, she was relieved. She couldn't make it down the stairs if she had to. She heard Marley's heavy tracks as he rushed in and jumped on the bed with her. She laid her head back as he laid by her feet.

"Here you go." Derek said as he sat the tray down on her lap. Meredith smiled at the chicken, pasta and vegetable dish that sat before her. She was starving. Derek smiled as she dug right in to her food and he took his own.

"It's great, Derek." Meredith told him with a smile as she took a bite of the pasta in her mouth.

They both sat there in silence. Derek could tell that Meredith was beyond exhausted. He could see that the babies were taking a lot of life out of her. She was just drained and needed a good night's sleep. As he sat there, he wondered if they would have that. And just as he took a bite, he heard a dainty cry.

"Here we go." Derek said with a smile as he sat his food to the side and walked away. Meredith smiled as Derek walked back into the room with his daughter in his hands. He looked like a natural.

"Cassi... How are you, sweetheart?" Meredith asked as she kissed the baby on the head. "Mommy loves her girl so much." She said as she opened her robe. Derek and Meredith both looked at their suckling child. She really was a miracle. So were the two that would be joining her soon enough.

**I fractured my wrist, updates me be sporadic. **


	167. Getting Settled

Derek rolled over. He could not sleep. He had checked on Cassidy over and over again. He even did sound checks with the baby monitor to make sure that it was working okay. He wasn't sure how Meredith was sleeping at all. He was so excited he could barely hold it in. She had to be exhausted from the last few days sleeping in the hospital. He was exhausted too, but he could not pull himself away from his girl.

Derek perked up when her heard his little girl. Her cries were faint. She was so light and soft, he was actually wondering if she was related to Meredith. Meredith was loud. She was anything but soft and light. As he walked into Cassidy's nursery and looked down at her, it was very obvious that she was Meredith's child. All he had to do was look at her face.

"Cass... How is daddy's princess?" Derek asked her as he scooped the baby up and held her close. She whimpered softly as he held her against his chest. "Do you need to be changed?" He asked her as he laid her on the white changing table. She was a big baby and he was grateful. He wasn't ready for a tiny one. "Oh... You are wet honey. Why didn't you yell at daddy earlier?" He asked as he tossed the used diaper in the trash. "Because you sleep like your mama that's why." Derek pointed out as he put a fresh diaper on his daughter.

Derek walked into their room. He knew it was time to nurse her, and he dreaded waking Meredith up. Not because he thought she would be grumpy, but because he wanted her to be able to get her rest. He walked their newborn up to the bed and sat down. He loved to just watch her.

"Mer..." Derek said softly as he nudged her.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as she jerked awake. "What?" She asked softly as she looked over.

"Cass wants her mommy." Derek told her with a smile. Meredith looked over and sat up quickly.

"How is mommy's little girl?" She asked as she accepted her little girl into her arms. "Cassi doesn't want mommy... She wants mommy's boob." Meredith said with a nod as she opened her nursing bra and allowed the baby to nurse.

"That may be true, but she loves her mommy nonetheless." Derek said with a nod as he looked into Meredith's eyes. Everything about her was so soft and maternal. He had never seen her like that and he had never imagined that she could be so beautiful. He knew they talked about women glowing, but she was radiant.

"Did you think she would be this amazing?" Meredith asked as she looked down at Cassidy, who had her eyes closed. Derek ran his hand over her soft head.

"Nothing could prepare me for this. This little girl is... She is more than I could have imagined. She is everything I could have wanted. I will spend the rest of my life looking at the two of you in awe." Derek told her as he looked up at both of them.

"If you had asked me a year ago, I would have never believed it. Thank you, Derek. You made me believe in the impossible. You have always been annoyingly optimistic. But I think this time, it had paid off. You made me believe in things when I was ready to throw in the towel. And now we have this amazing little girl looking back at us. That was you, Derek. All you." Meredith said as she pulled a sleeping Cassidy away from herself and held her close.

"I think we both had a part in this." Derek pointed out. "I mean, the kid hit the jackpot. She is going to be drop dead gorgeous like her father. And smart like her mom." Derek told her with a chuckle. He was waiting for the hailstorm. He was waiting for her to smack him in the arm.

"Hey!" She said softly. "I think she- You are a jerk." She giggled as she looked at him. "And you are lucky that I know better."

"I guess I am." Derek agreed with a nod as he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "I am a good man. I am... Because right now, you are turning me on. You're glowing and looking sexy. And any other other man would take you right now." He told her with a nod. There was something about her that was drawing him in.

"Oh yes... I am so sexy. Sitting here with my nursing bra undone and a baby on my chest. Dead sexy." She laughed as she leaned against their headboard.

"It is. I can't even describe it. We created a miracle, and here you are, giving her life. To me, that is sexy. And Mer, you will always be sexy. No matter what." He explained as he kissed her and then leaned back down to kiss Cassidy.

"Do you think Kris is okay? I mean she carried Cassidy for nine months. It had to be hard on her. To just let go... I can't imagine. Even if Cassidy was never hers, she was there. Kristy had her with her every minute of every day. We need to... We need to do something for her. This gift... It's just way too big. We have to do something great for her." Meredith told him as she looked down at her baby.

"We will do whatever you want. Whatever you think is necessary. Hell, we'll buy her a house if you deem it appropriate. She gave us the biggest, most amazing gift that anyone could imagine. For that, I think we will both me in debt to her for all eternity." Derek told Meredith frankly. She nodded in agreement. They both stared at their daughter in awe. They had never felt so lucky.

---------------

Meredith woke up bright and early. She had never been an early morning riser, but she was now. It was the first day. The first day that she was going to be home with her little girl and her husband. She was amazed that they were at that point in their lives, even if it did take much longer than anticipated. She really was happy that is happened at this time. She was almost secure in in her career, any other time, and the babies may not have gotten the same focus.

Meredith walked into the nursery, it was silent. As she walked across the floor, hearing it creak, she heard a faint cry escape her baby's lips. She knew that being in Kristy's womb was a quiet and safe place to be. The twins had it much different. With the stress of the hospital, along with Meredith barking orders, and Marley just plain barking, they would be used to the loud chaos. And Cassidy, she liked it quiet, and that would never work.

"Oh, Cass... This is... You have to be quite. You have to get used to noise, honey." Meredith told her as she pulled her out of her crib and gently held her close. Meredith loved the soft smell of her child. It was the most amazing scent in the world.

"Is everything okay in here?" Derek asked with a smile as he walked in the room. "How are my ladies?" He questioned as he looked at Cassidy snuggled up in her mother's arms.

"Your ladies are wonderful. But is seems that your darling little princess is a light sleeper. She is a bit too much like her father. She woke up when the floor creaked." She explained as she looked at the baby that was now sleeping in her arms. "That will never do."

"Oh... Whatever Lolita wants, Lolita gets." Derek told her with a smile, referring to the fact that Meredith was Lola, and now he had a little Lola.

"Yeah, well, what are you going to do when Marley barks. Or if he comes into her room. She is going to have to be able to sleep... And the twins! What are we going to do with them... Oh god, Derek. This is bad. We don't have a place for them. They can't stay with her. They will keep her up." Meredith said in a panic. Derek quickly removed his daughter from Meredith's arms as she began to huff loudly.

"Oh, Mer... It will be fine. The babies will get their own nurseries. You have to remember, I have a big family. And I know how the room situation went. My sisters hated me because I got my own room. They all need their own nursery. And god knows that we have the room. Besides, I am a little worried about them feeding off of each other." Derek pointed out as he placed Cassidy back in the crib and looked at Meredith.

"The twins will be so sad... They're together now. And then they will have to be apart. They aren't going to like that one bit. They will be so lonely... " Meredith told him with a frown. She knew that they had to be attached to each other. They were sharing her body. And she didn't care what anyone said, she knew they were communicating.

"Well, I think they will wake each other up. And just wait until they get older. Believe me, Mer... They will want to know why Cassidy got her own nursery and they didn't. I know how kids work. They are brutal!" He told her with a big nod. "I was actually thinking... I would like to have someone come in to do the nurseries. We need to spend time with Cassidy. and I think they would get it done faster than I could." Derek pointed out.

"I think that's a good idea, Der. A really good idea. You don't need the stress of having to deal with it. And as for them each having their own nursery, I will take your word for it. I guess they will need their own rooms eventually anyhow..." She agreed with a nod. "And Cass is really going to love it when people start banging around in her house." Meredith told him with a sigh.

"Yeah. That will be a good time, I am sure." Derek told her with a nod. "Okay... I say we go spend some time together..." Derek told her as he raised his brows.

"Oh yeah?" Meredith questioned with a smirk. "And what exactly do you plan on doing?" She asked as she looked into his deep blue eyes and raised her own brows.

"I'm sure I can think of a thing or two." Derek told her as he leaned in and kissed her softly. Meredith let out a faint moan as he moved his lips to her neck. She needed him just as much as he needed her. They hadn't been having much sex lately and she was definitely feeling like they were long overdue.

"Oh, god... Derek... I think I need you." Meredith moaned as she bent her head away from him. "I need you now." She told him in desperation.

"Fuck yes." Derek agreed, getting a nasty look from Meredith. His eyes got wide, realizing that he used the F dash, dash, dash in front of their sleeping daughter. "Now." He told her as he led her away. They both walked, hitting the spot in the floor making the floor creak loudly. Derek's face turned to a frown when they heard Cassidy whimper.

"Oh, Cass..." Meredith muttered as she walked over and checked on the baby. "She is probably hungry anyhow." Meredith told him with a nod.

"Well, I think I'm going to start taking you to concerts." Derek told her with a huge nod. "Yep, that way those kids are used to some noise. What did Kristy do, spend nine months with a group of monks?" He asked, receiving a healthy laugh from Meredith.

"Knowing Kristy, very close." Meredith agreed as she walked over to the chair and sat down. Meredith smiled as she looked at her daughter. If she had to live in silence, she would. But that would never work. No way.

---------------

Meredith placed Cassidy back in her crib. She didn't get enough time with the little girl. All the little girl did was sleep. She knew that would be changing that routine soon enough, and one day, she would welcome sleep with open arms. She rubbed her gently on the head before she walked to the bedroom. She was still thinking about it. And she was wondering if Derek was too.

Meredith walked into their room and saw Derek laying in their bed wearing nothing but a smile. It quickly became apparent to her by the presence of his large hard member that he was thinking along the same lines. Meredith smiled as she looked at him. It was impossible for her to feel sexy when she had two babies swimming around inside of her, and she felt like her whole body was swollen and filled with water.

"You came..." Derek said with a smirk as she walked over to him. She smiled as she pulled off her shirt.

"I always come." She explained as she pulled down her pair of unflattering maternity pants. She was almost embarrassed to be wearing them with their elastic band. She shrugged it off as they laid in a pile around her ankles. Her maternity bra was as sexy as maternity bras went and her panties were flattering under her huge bump.

"You look amazing..." Derek told her as she pulled off her panties and let them fall to the floor. She smiled weakly, not believing his words. Meredith climbed onto the bed and laid on her back, unable to climb onto him comfortably.

"I need you, Derek..." She whispered as she looked up into his eyes.

Derek smiled as he leaned over her and took her bottom lip into his mouth, sucking her gently. A faint moan escaped her mouth as he slid his tongue in, tasting the sweetness of her saliva on his own. Derek pecked small kisses along her jawline and moved to her neck sucking gently. He trailed along her chest and looked up at her.

"Bra?" Derek asked as he looked down. He wanted to suck on her chest. He loved her swollen pregnancy breasts.

"I might leak." She said as she laid her head back in disgust. She didn't want to be in this vulnerable position. The more she thought about it, the more she wished she had just gone downstairs.

"I don't care." Derek told her as he began to work on the clasp in the front of her chest. He laid the material back and stared down in awe. "You look amazing, Meredith. Fucking amazing." He told her as he kissed the delicate flesh. He watched as she arched her back.

"Oh, god.." She moaned as he kissed her over and over again. She was thanking god that Cassidy had sucked her dry.

"Hello, babies..." Derek muttered as he kissed her abdomen gently. "Daddy loves you."

"Derek... I don't think we have time... For that. Let's just do it." Meredith said frankly, knowing that Cassidy was a light sleeper. "You need to be able to get what you need too."

"Are you sure?" Derek asked questioningly. He wanted Meredith to feel pleasure. He could see her apprehension over the whole situation. "I want to make you feel good."

"I will feel good when you are inside of me." She told him frankly as she looked into his eyes. "I don't want to be on top." Meredith told him as she rolled to her side. Derek crept up beside her and kissed her shoulder gently.

"Are you okay, baby?" Derek asked as he kissed her neck and wrapped his arm around her. Meredith nodded and smiled as she lifted her leg up for him.

"You are beautiful." He reminded her as he lifted her leg up further and straddled her other one, a leg on each side. He was thankful she was so flexible. Derek gently rubbed his cock along her wet core. She was hot and ready for him.

"Oh god, Der... Do it." She moaned as she felt him rub against her ultra-sensitive clitoris. "Please." Derek slimed as he slid in gently. She mewed as he went in and out in and up and down motion taking her deep into the core. "Oh god... Oh yes..." She moaned as she felt the depth in her core.

"Oh, Mer... You are so tight baby... Does that feel good? It has to... You are so wet." He told her as he looked at her smiling face.

"It feels so damn good... Oh god, yes...yes..." She muttered as she took in a gasp. "Oh god... Oh..." She cried, feeling him slid in and out over and over. He pecked kisses on her leg. "Faster... Faster, Derek...Cramping." She said as she felt her leg tightening up.

"Oh god... Fuck yes... Oh..." Derek grunted as he picked up his pace, feeling her juices surround his hard pulsating cock. "Oh god..." Derek groaned as he felt his balls tighten up against his body.

"Oh...oh...oh...OH...Oh god, right there! Oh yes...my...wow...Oh..." Meredith shouted as she felt him getting ready to blow. "Oh yes...oh yes..." She cried out as she felt the walls come down and her body go into contractions. Meredith heard Derek start grunting loudly with every trust into her pulsating core.

"Oh god..." He shouted as he blew his load into her, washing her walls down with his hot cum. "Oh god..." He moaned as he felt his cum spurt.

"Yeah..." Meredith whined as she felt another orgasm coming. "Oh...oh...oh...AH!" She cried as another orgasm took her over. Derek smiled as her eyes went back and she started to shake and quiver. "Oh wow..." Meredith laid there panting as Derek pulled out. They both looked up when they heard the doorbell ring and Cassidy cry out.

"Baby or door?" He asked Meredith. Meredith moaned as she stood up and started pulling clothes on. Derek was working just as quickly.

"Door... Cass is a Daddy's girl and I just fed her." Meredith explained as she threw her hair up in a messy ponytail and walked towards the stairs. She smiled when she heard Derek talking to Cassidy. As she walked down stairs she looked at the door. She could kill whoever it was. She took in a breath and opened the door. "Mom..."

**Okay... I am seriously having a hard time writing! But I am trying with my stupid hand...**


	168. A Guest

Meredith stared at Linda Shepherd in shock. She had no idea she was coming. Derek mentioned nothing. The guest room wasn't ready, the linens weren't fresh. They didn't have all of Linda's favorite food and drink in the house. And now Meredith was standing before the woman in dirty clothes and a post-coital sweat.

"Mom... I didn't know... You- How are you?" Meredith stammered as she looked up at Derek's mom in shock. She was ready to kill the man. She had a sneaking suspicion that he knew that she was coming.

"You didn't know I was coming..." Linda said sadly as she stood there with her bags in her hand.

"No... No. It's fine. We've been busy. And distracted. How are you?" Meredith asked again as he pulled Linda in for a hug. She was definitely going to kill Derek. She was going to kill him dead.

"Mer... Who is it?" Derek shouted from upstairs as he walked down with Cassidy in his arms. Marley stood next to Linda and wagged his tail happily, waiting for a pat on the head. The pat didn't come. Linda was too focused on how she was going to kill her son. "Oh... Mom." Derek muttered softly.

Derek looked between the women. The only woman in the room that wasn't ready to kill him was his daughter. He had her. She was his ammo. As long as she was in his arms, he was safe. He knew he had to get out of the mess that he had gotten himself into and he had to do it quick. He had to save himself. He had to fix it.

"Yes, Derek. I am your mother. The woman who gave you life. The woman who was your life source for eighteen years. I am your mother, Derek. Your mother! And you didn't even tell me that your first born was here!" Linda said as she began to cry softly.

Meredith looked up in shock. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She couldn't believe that Derek hadn't told her about Cassidy. She had forgotten in the chaos. But after Cassidy was born, she told him right away that they needed to call her. She was sure that she had called. Now she was finding out that she didn't. As she looked at the sadness in her mother-in-law's face. It broke her heart.

"Derek, give Cassidy to your mother." Meredith growled as she looked up at him. "Now." She warned. Derek looked at her in shock. He was in trouble. He was screwed. Meredith was going to kill him. He took in a breath and handed his mother the little girl. Then he braced himself.

"Cassidy... Cassidy Bella." Linda said as she looked at the beautiful baby with tears in her eyes. "Look at you... Just like you mama. You are such a beautiful girl."

"Derek... Come with me." Meredith told him with a clenched jaw. She had no idea how he could disregard someone's feelings so badly. She was truly disappointed and disgusted with him.

"Mer I-" Derek started as soon as they were out of eye and ear shot.

"No! You ass!" She spat as she hit him in the arm. "You freaking ass! You never called her! How could you not call your mother? Fuck, Derek! She is your mother. You have a good one... And this is how you treat her. No, this is wrong. You lied to me. I was under the impression that you called her. You need to fix this, Derek. You need to fix this now." Meredith growled as she continued to hit him.

"Mer! Mer! Please stop hitting me!" He begged as he ducked away. Meredith drew in a deep breath and looked at him with a clenched jaw and a ton of boiling anger.

"I'm just... That was wrong." Meredith cried out. "Wrong..." She told him as she started to sob. The hormones had her all over the place. She couldn't control herself no matter how hard she tried. She felt Derek's strong arms wrap around her and kiss her softly on the head.

"It's okay, baby... I'm so sorry. I'll fix this, okay?" He asked as he tipped her head and looked into her eyes. "Just... You freshen up, and I will fix this."

"Okay." Meredith agreed with a nod.

Meredith knew he didn't mean to do it. It was apparent to everyone that he was so enamored with his baby that he wasn't even thinking clearly. Getting him to leave her side for two minutes at the hospital was next to impossible. She wasn't really mad, her heart was just feeling for Linda. As a mother, she now knew.

Derek walked in to see his mother sitting on the sofa with a sleeping Cassidy in her arms. She seemed so happy and content as she whispered sweet nothings in the baby's ear. His mother was exemplary. She was an amazing woman who would lay down and die for any of her grandchildren or children. And she didn't deserve what he did to her.

"Mom... I am so sorry. You have no idea. It's just- It happened really fast. Kristy called, and next I knew, she was in labor. Mer told me to call you when she was delivered... But I looked at my little girl, and she was all I saw. She was so amazing. My heart beat for her at that moment. Everything else just left my mind. It was my family. My wife, my baby... I know it was wrong, and I can't go back... I'm sorry, mom. I was a horrible son." He told her as he knelt beside her and looked up at her weathered face.

"She is amazing." Linda agreed as she looked at Cassidy. "Congratulations... They really do steal your heart, don't they?" She asked with a smile. Derek nodded, not taking his eyes off of Cassidy. "I know you didn't mean it. It's okay, son... You're a daddy now. And you... This is good. You guys deserve this."

----------------

Meredith rushed upstairs. She wanted to take a break but she couldn't. Linda was downstairs, with her bags, ready to stay for god knows how long. She felt bombarded. There were certain things that Meredith always got for her. She knew that she only drank a certain brand of coffee. And every morning she would eat an english muffin with strawberry preserves. These were the things that she should have gotten ready for. Damn Derek.

Meredith ripped the sheets off of the bed. His mother liked a high thread count, just as they did. She had extras sheets in the linen closet, but she knew that Linda would want fresh ones. She pulled them off and threw them in the laundry basket from the hallways closet. Meredith carried the basket down the stairs and into the laundry room. It seemed like she had just done this. And now here she was, doing it again.

Meredith rushed back upstairs and went to work on the room. It was clean, but it needed to be dusted. She she shook the window treatments and watched as the dust flew. She shook her head in disgust. She was ashamed of her house cleaning abilities at the moment. She grabbed the mop and bucket, filling it in the bathroom. She needed to lightly mop the dust off of the floors. As she went to work, she felt a ping in her stomach and stopped in her tracks. She looked up to see Derek.

"What the hell is going on?" He asked her with concern as he looked at her, standing there in pain.

"I'm fine... I just- Fine." She told him as she sucked it up and took a breath.

"No. You are not fine." Derek told her as he rushed over to her side and made her lay down. "Mer... I will do this stuff. You have to tell me. I don't- I'm not used to doing these things. Not like this. I am more than willing to help if you need it."

"I just- Things need to be done. I know your mom likes a clean house. I don't want her to come in and think I never do anything." She explained as the tears fell. She was exhausted from the pace that she was trying to keep up.

"She does like a clean house. You are more than right about that. But she does understand, Mer. You work over one-hundred hours a week. And we just had a baby. No one can keep up with that pace. She knows that. And she also knows that her son is an ass and didn't tell his wife that she was coming..." He told her as he kissed her temple. "God... You are sweating. Why don't you go take a warm shower... I will finish this up. Mom has Cass... I just want you to rest." He warned her as he pulled her close. Meredith nodded her head and looked into his eyes.

"Okay." She agreed with a sigh. "Help me up... Please?" She asked as she attempted to stand, her large abdomen in the way.

"Of course. You do not need to ask me. I love you so much, Mer. I am here for you. No matter what." He told her as he placed a hand on the small of her back and led her to the master bedroom. Derek watched as Meredith pulled off her dirty clothes. He turned the hot water on and helped her walk into the glass shower. "I will get you your pajamas." He told her as he walked out. Derek grabbed her favorite maternity pajamas and a set of bra and panties that he knew was comfortable. He sat them on the antique white wash seat that was next to the shower. He looked at her, realizing she was content and walked out.

"Where is Meredith, Dear?" Linda asked as she walked into the guest room with Cassidy in her arms.

"She is taking a shower. It's my fault. I didn't tell her you were coming. So now she is in a big rush to get the house cleaned. She is just so tired, you know?" He asked with a smile.

"And she has every right to be. The woman is now a mother. She may not have given birth, but she will be soon enough. And she works so hard. God, you need to knock some sense into her. She should know I don't expect much." Linda told him with a nod.

"She is Meredith. She is always worried about everything." Derek explained as he finished the floor. "And I- I just want to protect her." Derek explained, thinking about the pain she was in. He knew she would lie. He was going to have to monitor her.

"And you should." Linda told him with a nod as she grabbed the bucket of water. "I'll finish this. Why don't you go to the store and pick up the makings for chicken catchatori? I will cook dinner tonight. Oh... And make sure you get food for breakfast. I'm here now." Linda told him frankly, meaning she was talking over.

"Of course, mom. Thank you. Thank you for everything." Derek told her with a smile as he started to walk out. "There is laundry in the washer." He told her as he continued on. He was glad to have his mom. Now he could focus on Meredith.

Linda rushed through the house. She made sure to continuously keep checking on Cassidy and listening for Meredith. She switched the laundry and walked into the kitchen and started getting out all of the things she could need. Linda Shepherd needed a job. She needed someone to care for. And now she had that. She had that with Meredith and Derek.

-----------------

Meredith climbed out of the shower. Her belly pain was completely gone. It happened when she overdid things. She was starting to get a little worried. She knew that nursing Cassidy could possible send her into preterm labor. It was a last minute decision that she was hoping she wouldn't regret. She wanted Cassidy to get the colostrum that she needed. But now she was wondering of the twins would get what they needed when they were born.

Meredith rubbed cocoa butter on her abdomen. She didn't know if it worked, or if it was a wives tale, but either way, she didn't think it would hurt. She held her hand on her stomach, feeling how active her babies were. They were alive and kicking inside of her. It made her giggle. It made her forget about the lost ones. Meredith pulled the soft cotton pajamas on. She was so glad that Derek picked the right ones.

"Meredith... Are you okay?" Linda asked softly as she tapped on the door. Meredith smiled and opened the door, looking up at her.

"I am. Sorry. I just needed a shower. I was feeling disgusting." Meredith admitted as she looked at her. "Is everything okay?"

"It's great. How are you... Look at you. Can I?" Linda asked, referring to her abdomen. Meredith looked at the woman. She was like a mother to her. She smiled softly and lifted her shirt up for Lynn to take a look.

"Oh dear... Look at you." Linda said as she placed her warm hand on Meredith's soft flesh. "Oh wow... They are active." Linda pointed out with a smile. "How are you feeling?"

"I actually feel really good." Meredith told her with a nod. "I'm a little tired, but I think that is the stress from Cass. And oh! It's her feeding time." Meredith said softly, knowing the baby would wake up in a matter of moments.

"She really is a beautiful girl, Meredith. A little angel." Linda pointed out with a smile. "I sent Derek off to get some groceries. I'm going to cook chicken catchatori for dinner. And I want you to take a break. Watch a movie. Read a book. Anything. But take a break." Linda warned her as they started to walk. "Why don't you go down to the sofa. I will put the sheets on the bed, and then I will bring your darling little girl down."

"Okay." Meredith agreed with a smile as she hobbled down the hallway. She was feeling way too big and she still had ten weeks left to go. The sofa looked so welcoming as she sat down and pulled a throw over herself. At the moment, she was liking the idea of rest.

Linda walked through the house with a purpose. She couldn't complain, she was in her element. And truly the house was as clean as could be. There was dust her and there, but in all, it was immaculate. The two of them didn't use most of it and their air purification system really cut down on the dust. Linda heard Cassidy crying faintly and walked into her nursery, scooping her up.

"And here is mommy." Linda told the little girl as she walked up to a drowsy Meredith and sat her in her arms.

"How is mommy's angel? Are you hungry, Cass?" She asked softly as she looked at her. Linda smiled as Meredith lifted the baby to her breast and allowed her to nurse. It was one of the most natural things in the world.

"I'm going to unpack my bags. If you need anything, you tell me right away." Linda warned her as she walked off.

Meredith was glad that she had LInda in the house. She knew eventually she would be begging Derek to get rid of her. But at the moment, she needed her there. She knew that she would have her hands full. And she was smart enough to not risk the safety of her unborn children by being stupid. There was not way she could handle it all at the moment.

"I'm home." Derek said loudly as he walked in. Meredith watched as he placed the groceries on the counter and rushed right over to his baby. "How are my girls?"

"Your girls are good." Meredith told him with a smile. "Cassi was a hungry girl." Meredith pointed out with a smile. "She is sucking mama dry." She explained as Derek kissed Cassidy on the head.

"You be nice to mom." He warned as he walked away. "Mom, I'm back. Hey, Mar." He told the dog as he patted him on the head. Marley rushed over and began sniffing Cassidy frantically. Meredith looked with wide-eyes as he started licking her.

"Marley, stop! Stop!" She told him as she pushed him away. "Stop!" She said again as he tired to do it again. The dog looked at her with sad eyes and laid down on the floor. Meredith kissed her baby on the head and held her up when she released her grip on her nipple. "Are you fulled up?" She asked with a a smile. "Is mommy's girl full now? Yes she is..." Meredith agreed as she wiped her mouth with the cloth.

"Can I hold my girl?" Derek asked as he sat down on the sofa next to Meredith. Meredith smiled as she handed the baby over. She hated sharing and she knew that Derek felt the same way.

The perfect family remained on the sofa. They listened to the gently clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen. They needed this time with Cassidy. She deserved it. She had no idea what was coming. What was coming was big. It was huge. Siblings. They were coming.

**Okay...My wrist is still bad... and I will be away this weekend. Don't expect an update until Monday. I'm sorry :(**


	169. Infiltrate

Meredith laid on her back. She could only lay on her back and her side. She had always been a stomach sleeper, along with Derek. They usually woke up splayed out on the bed like someone dropped them straight down from the ceiling. Meredith's mind and body ached for that comfortable sleep position that she once had.

"Are you okay, baby?" Derek asked with a frown as she looked over at her. They were both still trying to sleep, but it seemed for Meredith it didn't come easy, and Derek couldn't sleep when she was tossing and turning.

"I can't get comfortable." Meredith admitted as she threw the blankets off and climbed out of bed. "I think I am going to take a bath..." She told him as she walked away.

"Do you want me to join you?" Derek asked as he looked over at her. There was no way he could fall asleep once she left the bed, and he knew she could barely get out of the bathtub.

"You sleep, Derek. There is no reason you should sit up with me when you could be getting rest." Meredith pointed out with a frown.

"No, Mer... I need to relax. I'll take one with you." He told her as he threw the covers off and walked with her. He could see that she was struggling. She still had so much time left, but her little body couldn't handle the assault that was on it. "It will be nice." He said as he walked in with her.

Meredith weakly bent over and flipped the hot water on. She didn't want to make it too hot because of the twins. She was always worried it would hurt them. Addison explained to her over and over again that the babies were safe inside the womb and could withstand temperatures of up to one hundred and three degrees. The chances of Meredith's temperature getting over a hundred were slim.

Derek watched as Meredith pulled her shirt over her head. He liked the look of her pregnant stomach stretched out. He liked the curvier version of her as much as he liked the original. Derek looked at her face. She looked so tired and he knew that she had good reason to be.

"You look amazing, Mer." Derek told her as he walked over and wrapped his arms around her. He rested his arms on her swollen abdomen and pressed his body against hers. Meredith laid her head back and moaned as she felt his strong body against hers.

"I look amazing for a cow." Meredith muttered softly. "Eh... Let's just get into the bathtub." She said as she pulled away and ambled over to the oversized garden tub.

"You are so far from a cow, it's not even funny." Derek told her as he climbed into the warm water and pulled her down with him. Meredith laid her head back against his chest as she sunk her body into the warm water.

"I feel like a cow. I can barely walk around." Meredith explained with a frown. "I don't even feel sexy anymore." She told him sadly.

"Oh... You are sexy. You are so sexy." Derek explained as he kissed her neck gently. She moved her head away and moaned as he pecked soft kisses on her flesh. "So unbelievably sexy..." He repeated as he ran his hands over her abdomen and over her swollen breasts. He felt their fullness, she needed to nurse Cassidy.

"Wow...A least I can still do that to you." She giggled as she felt Derek's hardened cock press against her. 

"You will always be able to do that to me." He told her as he ran his hands down her breasts, over her baby bump and ran them between her legs. Meredith parted her legs gently as he reached around and gently rubbed her slit.

"Oh god... I need you, Derek." Meredith told him with a deep moan.

"Not as much as I need you, baby." Derek told her as he stroked her clitoris gently and rubbed his cock against her back. "I need to feel you around me..."

"Oh god... Yes, Derek. Yes." She agreed with a nod as he sucked on the flesh of her back. Meredith scooted back as Derek helped lift her up and onto his thick rod. Meredith parted her legs and leaned forward as she sank deep down. "Oh..." She moaned as she felt his thick mass fill her walls. "Oh yeah..."

"Oh god, Mer... You are ready." Derek nodded, feeling her wetness around him. Meredith placed her hands on the bottom of the bathtub for stability.

"We have to... Uh... Be quiet." She told him as she rocked gently on his cock, manipulating him in just the right way. "Your mom... She could... Oh god... She could... Hear us!" Meredith told him as she lifted up and sank back down. "I swear you have... Gotten bigger!"

"No, babe... You got tighter." Derek groaned as he sucked hard on her flesh and licked it gently. "Go faster, babe." Derek told her as he thrust upward into her as hard as he could. "Oh yea...Oh yeah... That's it!" Derek shouted as he felt her do as she was told. 

Meredith felt her body already tensing up as she sank down and slid on and off of him. She felt him suck and lick her back as he pounded hard into her tiny wet core. She let out of pants as she felt herself getting near her own climax. She needed him deeper. She needed him so badly it hurt. It was a strong need. She rode him harder and faster, hearing the water splash against the sides of the bathtub. Derek let out moans and grunts as he felt himself almost there.

"Oh god! Oh god!" Meredith shouted loudly as she felt herself completely tight, waiting for the flooding release of cum and hard contractions. Derek held her belly as he rammed her harder and harder. He could feel his children getting active inside of her. "Oh...Oh...OH!" She cried out as she felt herself go into hard contractions, her uterus and vagina pulsating as Derek sprayed her walls with his essence.

"Oh god, Mer..." Derek groaned as he laid his head back. "They are active." Derek moaned as he felt his children swimming around and kicking.

"They feel it too. They feel the surge of endorphins I feel during sex." She panted as she laid there. Derek laid back in silence of a second. Suddenly, he didn't like they way that sounded. Not at all. 

"Seriously?" Derek asked with a frown.

"Well, yeah, Derek... I mean the babies feel what I feel. I was looking it up online. And then I asked Addison. They feel it too. It is pleasurable." Meredith explained as she started to breath a little more shallow.

"Oh. I didn't- This is..." Derek trailed off with a frown on his face.

Derek didn't like that. He didn't like it one bit. He didn't like the idea of him pleasuring his children. That wasn't the intention, but for some reason, it didn't sit right with him. He closed his eyes and frowned. He didn't want to feel the way he was. And he didn't want to tell Meredith that he was feeling sick about it.

"What's the matter, you got quiet." Meredith pointed out as she looked up. "Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?" She asked as she twisted around and looked at him.

"Nothing. I'm fine." Derek said with a sigh. Meredith looked into his eyes. Something wasn't right. They were more than good and now they were in a different spot completely.

"No. No... You are not fine." Meredith said with a frown as she turned around and started to get out of the bathtub. Derek watched as she struggled. "God dammit!" Meredith shouted as she struggled.

"Here..." Derek said as he attempted to stabilize her. Meredith grumbled but accepted his help. "Mer..." Derek told her softly.

"No. It's fine. I can't seem to keep you happy. I knew it..." She trailed off as she wrapped a robe around herself and started to walk out.

"Mer..." Derek said softly as he looked at her. Meredith threw up her hand and walked out. Just as she walked into their room, she heard Cassidy's faint cries on the baby monitor.

"I'm coming, baby." Meredith said with a sigh as she walked to the nursery. Meredith looked down at her baby. All of her troubles seemed to drift out of her mind as she looked down at her beautiful child. She lifted her up and walked her over to the chair. "You are such a beautiful girl, Cass." Meredith pointed out as she lifted her to her breast.

Meredith didn't understand what just happened. They were good. Derek was making her feel wonderful. For a split second, she actually felt sexy. They made love and it felt so perfect and natural, and then all of a sudden, it was like he was completely turned off by her. She felt the tears prick her eyes as she looked down at her baby.

"Mer..." Derek said softly as he walked in. Meredith put her hand up, not looking at him.

"I want this time with my daughter. Alone." Meredith said as she shooed him away.

"I'm sorry... It's not you." Derek told her as he walked out with a frown on his face.

Derek walked down the stairs. He needed a drink of water. Or scotch. Scotch sounded even better. He knew that she would be mad at him, but he needed it. He walked over to the liquor cabinet and grabbed the bottle. He looked at the amber liquid before he poured a bit in the glass, the glass clinging.

"Is everything alright, son?" Linda asked as she walked down, her robe wrapped tightly around her.

"It's fine." Derek grumbled as he sat back in his leather chair.

"Now you are lying, son. What is going on?" Linda asked as she sat in the chair next to him. She knew her son well enough to know that something was going on. She sighed as she laid her head back. She knew that if she waited long enough, Derek would talk to her.

"Eh..." Derek said with a sigh. This was not something he wanted to talk to his mother about. There were certain things he could tell her, and there were things that he kept to himself. And his sex life was always something that he did not open up about.

"Derek... Just tell me. Whatever it is... Just tell me." Linda said frankly. Derek was getting irritated at his mother's prying. He let out a loud grumble and looked over at her.

"It's about sex, mom. Do you really want to hear about your son's sex life?" He asked loudly as he took a sip.

"Derek! You are not a boy anymore. I know you and Meredith have sex! My god, the woman is pregnant. Not to mention, you go at it like rabbits whenever you come to my house." Linda said with a chuckle.

"Uh... Mom!" Derek whined as he looked away from her. "I don't... Eh."

"Look son, I know I am your mom. And I know this is uncomfortable. But there are things people do. We eat, sleep, shit and we have sex. I am a woman, maybe I can help." Linda told him frankly as she looked over at him.

"I'm afraid. I wasn't... And then we made love, and Meredith said the babies could feel it. I know it seems immature... I am a doctor for god's sake. But it hit me. I couldn't think about anything else but Cassidy's siblings inside of her. And I just can't-" Derek said as he looked at his mom with a frown.

"That is perfectly natural, Derek. I understand how you are feeling. But let me assure you, you are doing nothing to hurt those babies. If you ask me, it's good for them, wakes them up and makes them alert. You need to push away these feelings you have for Meredith's sake. She is a woman who is twice her size at the moment, and has a pea sized amount of confidence. You need to relax." Linda told him as she grabbed his hand. "Meredith needs to feel like a woman."

"Yeah." Derek agreed as he finished his scotch.

"And Derek, I think part of this is stemming from something else. I think you are realizing how hard it is to have a baby. And now that you have two more on the way, it is just overwhelming. That is natural. And let me tell you, it will all be fine. I will stay as long as you two need me. And I will leave as soon as you ask." Linda told him with a nod and a smile.

"Thanks, Mom." Derek told her as he drew in a breath. "I just want to do everything for everyone. And I am so worried that we are in over our heads. I know she is tired. And I know that it will only get worse. I don't want to feel like I burdened her with something. I know that she had given up. Don't get me wrong, she wants our kids. But I feel like I pushed her too hard and now we have a mess."

"Meredith is the happiest I have ever seen her. She is so maternal and soft it's almost sickening. You need to quit worrying, and start enjoying!" Linda told him frankly. "Now I am sure your wife is done nursing your child. Get your ass up there and fix this. No one should go to sleep angry or upset."

"Thank you, Mom." Derek told her as he stood up. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Derek." Linda told him as she grabbed the empty glass and walked into the kitchen.

Derek knew his mom was right. Trouble hadn't even started yet, but he was already feeling bogged down. He knew that the three babies would demand constant attention and they would never have a free moment. Derek was starting to realize that his wife was going to be more of a mother and less of a wife for awhile. He was trying to accept it, but it was hard.

"Hey..." Derek said as he walked into the nursery with Cassidy and Meredith.

"Hey." Meredith muttered as she looked up, tear stains on her cheeks. 

"I'm sorry, Mer. It's not you. Nothing you did was wrong. It's just... You said the babies could feel it, and it freaked me out. All I could think of was Cassidy in there. I don't want to infiltrate their area." He said frankly. Meredith looked up and started giggling. "I know it's stupid. And I... I just want to love you. And I see how tired you are, and I know it will only get worse. I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty that I put you in this position." Derek told her as he remained on bended knee in front of her.

"You didn't put me in any position. This is- This is great! Fantastic. I have never been happier. Not to say you never made me happy... But this is- We created life, Derek. Look at her. And whatever comes with this, I will gladly take. I love it. I love our life. you have made me so happy, Derek. Really, you have." She said as she kissed her baby and she leaned forward to kiss Derek. "I love you."

"Oh, Mer." Derek replied as he laid his head against her chest. "This is amazing. We finally did it."

"We did. Now take your sleeping daughter." She told him as she handed him Cassidy. Derek picked up his little girl and held her close. She smelled so soft and sweet as he carried her over and put her down.

"Let's go to sleep." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Yeah." Derek agreed as he wrapped an arm around her and walked her towards the bedroom. He had so much love in him, he couldn't even explain it. It was perfect. It was all the way it was meant to be.


	170. A Gift

Meredith stood in the kitchen in front of the stove. She had it in her head that she was going to cook. She didn't mention it to Linda, who was the resident chef and general boss around the household. She had a need to cook. She wasn't sure why. She was worried and she was scared. Meredith Grey-Shepherd in the kitchen with fire and knives could be a very scary thing.

"What do you think you are doing?" Linda shouted as she rushed in the kitchen. Meredith jumped and dropped the knife on the countertop.

"I was... Thinking about cooking." Meredith explained as she turned around, a nervous look on her face.

"You will do no such thing. You, Meredith Shepherd should be laying down and resting. You have a baby sucking the life out of you from the outside, and two babies sucking the life out of you from the inside." Linda explained as she walked over and rubbed her hand on Meredith's stomach. It was a gesture that was driving Meredith crazy when it came from anyone else. But she knew that Linda would do and say whatever she wanted.

"I have this need to cook." Meredith explained as she looked up at her. "Can I at least help you?" Meredith asked with a frown as she looked at the old woman.

"I guess. But you will sit right there on that stool and you will do whatever I say." Linda told her frankly as she pointed at the stool.

"Derek always said you were bossy." Meredith grumbled as she sat down on the stool. "And I want chicken breast strips with sauteed vegetables." Meredith told her with a nod.

"Then that is what we will have." Linda agreed as she looked at Meredith and smiled.

"Good." Meredith said as she sat on the stool and put on her biggest scowl. 

"Aren't you grumpy." Linda pointed out with a chuckle. She knew what it was to be hugely pregnant. She had no idea what it was like to be pregnant with twins and have a baby to take care of. Having a once year old with a newborn had been hard enough.

"Yes. Yes, I am grumpy. My body hurts. I am exhausted. My feet hurt. My stomach is stretched so far, it will never be the same. And fucking Derek is probably in the operating room right now. I hate the world!" Meredith growled as she sat there and furrowed her brow.

"Meredith, Meredith, Meredith... Don't ever use the F word in my presence, any other isn't so bad. But that word goes through me like a knife. And need I remind you that your husband had to be pushed out of her this morning with force. I think he would be prepared to stay home forever if you would let him. And yes, your body is going to be stretched, but your children will be amazing, and this is all worth it. I know you are tired dear, but if you are tired, then go lay down. Don't sit here and be a grump." Linda told her with a big nod.

"Why do you always have to be right! You are just like your son! Just like the son that is in the OR... I just want to be in the OR..." Meredith pouted as she put her head in her hands. "I hate life... Oh my god, what am I saying? I love life. I just want to feel human again. I am so tired..." Meredith whined as the tears began to slide down her cheeks.

"Oh honey, you will be okay. I promise you, you will be fine." Linda told her as she pulled her into a warm embrace.

"I know... I know." Meredith said as she let her head fall on her mother-in-law's soft shoulder. They both looked up when they heard a baby whimper softly.

"It looks like someone is awake." Linda said with a smile as she pulled away and went to rush upstairs to get the baby.

"I will get her." Meredith told her as she jumped off the stool. "I need a little quality time with my daughter." Meredith explained with a nod. "I will be back down in a while. Go ahead and start dinner without me."

Meredith climbed the stairs slowly. She was beginning to hate dragging her body up the staircase. As she neared, she heard Cassidy's soft cries. She was so quiet and delicate. Meredith walked into the nursery and flipped off the baby monitor as she scooped up her baby, carrying her to the chair.

"Oh, Cass..." Meredith said softly as she looked at her baby."How is mama's little girl?" She asked softly as she lifted her shift for the baby to nurse. "It won't be long... In just a little while, you will have either a brother and sister, or two of one or the other!" Meredith explained to her baby. "Are you ready for that? That will mean less daddy and Cass time. But we will still love you bunches and bunches!" She told her daughter as she brushed her cheek with her hand.

As she sat there, she heard the phone ring. She couldn't get up to get it and she knew that Linda was already rushing over. The woman wanted to do everything all of the time. That was what they needed. Meredith and Derek needed the experienced help. Meredith laid her head back and yawned as her little girl nursed gently.

"That was Derek..." Linda whispered as she came in. "He wanted to check on Cassi, of course. But he also wanted me to tell you that Kristy and Mark would be over for dinner... Oh yes..." She said as she reached the door. "He also wanted me to tell you that he loves his girls." She said as she shut the door. Meredith sat there with a smile on her face. She knew it was true.

-----------------

Meredith walked in the kitchen and sniffed the air. Cassidy was sound asleep in the crib upstairs, completely content with life. Meredith thought about how innocent Cassidy was at the moment. She knew nothing of pain. She had no idea what it was like to be betrayed and hurt. She had no idea what it was like to be at the brink of losing everything she ever loved. And Meredith knew that no matter what, she would do anything she could to keep Cassidy from ever feeling any of that.

"Ew." Meredith said as she threw a carrot down on the counter. Linda looked at her like she was insane. She had just made a mess in her kitchen.

"What's wrong?" Linda asked with a frown as she looked at her daughter-in-law in disgust. "Is everything okay."

"It's mushy." Meredith grumbled as she turned and walked away. "I don't like them mushy." She whined as she looked around the house.

"You know what I think?" Linda asked with a frown as she looked at Meredith's back. "I think you are restless and going crazy with boredom. I just ate one of those damn carrots and they are perfect. I couldn't have done any better." Linda told her with a frown.

"Okay..." Meredith muttered as she rolled her eyes and walked away. 

Meredith knew that she was being a pain in the ass. She couldn't seem to stop herself. She was temperamental and uncomfortable. Meredith grabbed her stack of pictures of Cassidy. She already had hundreds, and Cassidy was barely a week old. She and Derek had gone crazy with the camera.

Meredith grabbed out the scrapbook that she had bought. She had a whole package of pictures in black and white. She spread out the stuff on the dining room table and started separating the shots that she wanted in the book. She took out the black and sliver markers and wrote Cassidy Bella Shepherd on the front in her fanciest scroll.

"Here you go, dear." Linda said as she walked in with a cup of decaffeinated tea and cookies.

"Thank you, Mom. I'm sorry I was so grumpy." Meredith told her as she drew in a long deep breath.

"It's okay, honey." Linda told her as she poured honey into the cup and stirred it with the spoon sitting in the saucer. "I know how it is... And honestly... How were the carrots?"

"The carrots were fine. I don't know what I was doing. They just- Nothing tastes right at the moment. It all tastes like metal to me. And they weren't really mushy." Meredith told her with a sigh. "My emotions are all over the map. I can't seem to control myself. I just feel up and down all of the time. I'm happy, sad, irritated and overjoyed all at the same time. I feel like my head is going to spin right off of my shoulders." Meredith said with a sigh as she took a sip of the hot tea.

"That is how it goes. And I can't even imagine how it is when you already have a baby..." Linda said as she shook her head. "And that looks beautiful... The way you wrote her name is amazing." Linda told her as she looked down at the book.

"Thanks, mom." Meredith told her with a smile. "I just feel like I need to do something. This cabin fever is driving me nuts." 

"I know it is. Maybe we could do something... I don't know. You really need to keep it easy, Meredith. You need to keep my grand babies in your stomach as long as you can." Linda explained with a smile.

"I know, mom." Meredith told her with a sigh as she glued a picture down on the heavy paper. "I don't want to risk anything." Meredith told her as she took a sip of tea.

"Wow... She looks just like Derek when he was a baby in that picture. Look at those eyes. Even in black and white, you can see how bright they are." Linda said as she started flipping through pictures. "This little girl is going to be in for quite a shock." Linda told her with a frown.

"I know she is. This is such a blessing. I really thought we were done. I thought that Marley was going to be my only child. And then Kristy offered. It was such a huge gesture, I wasn't even sure that I could accept it. And then I got pregnant. I would have never done it this way. I feel bad for Cassidy. I feel like her whole little world is going to be rocked, and she will have no idea why." Meredith said as she began to cry.

"Oh, Meredith... This is okay. Cassidy will be okay. Listen to me... You are lucky. She is going to be fine. She is baby. Mer, she sleeps her days away. Yes, she knows she has a mommy and daddy, but she won't even realize she is sharing. It's when they get to be over a year old that they have real problems. She's going to think those babies belong here, and she will never think any different."

"I hope so..." Meredith said with a sigh as she looked down at the book. "I just... I want them all to feel the same. I want them all to he happy. I never want to do anything to cause animosity towards them. I don't need Cassi coming up with nonsense in ten years." Meredith explained as she looked up.

"You need to quit thinking about the future, and start enjoying the now." Linda said with a smile. "It will be fine. Life is grand..."

"It is..." Meredith agreed with a smile. Her smile only grew as she heard the garage door open.

"Honey, I'm home..." Derek sang out as he walked in. He threw his leather bag on the sofa and walked through the house. "Where are you?"

"In here..." Meredith shouted from the dining room. She looked up at Derek and smiled.

"Aren't we busy..." Derek pointed out as she looked down at the table full of a mess. He started looking through the pictures of his beautiful girl. He had already shown everyone in the hospital. He was so proud, and soon enough, he would be even more proud.

"We are. I think I am going insane, Derek. Completely insane." Meredith groaned loudly as she glued down another picture. "Crazy insane."

"Oh, baby. Soon enough, you won't have time to feel insane. Neither of us will." Derek told her as he leaned down and kissed her. "Mark and Kristy are on their way." Derek told them both as he helped Meredith clean up the pictures. "I'm sure we will eat in here, right mom?"

"I think we should eat out here. More room." Linda told him with a smile as she helped pick up the pictures, and Derek helped pick Meredith up.

"Mmm... Helping the cow?" Meredith asked as she looked Derek in the eyes and kissed him softly.

"No... Helping the most beautiful woman in the world." Derek told her with a smile. "Where is my girl?" He asked as he looked around.

"Your girl is sleeping upstairs. But go... I know you will wake her up anyhow. Bring her down and she can hang out in the pack and play..." Meredith told him as she kissed him softly. Just as she made her way to the kitchen, she saw Mark and Kristy as the door.

"Hey good lookin'..." Mark said with a smile as he looked at Meredith.

"Oh my god, Mer... You are... Wow." Kristy said in shock as she looked at her friend. She was in shock at how much bigger Meredith had gotten since Kristy had given birth.

"I'm huge, I know." Meredith told them with a frown as she placed her hands on her stomach. "I am so big, that Derek sits stuff on me." She pouted as she shut the door behind Mark.

"You are glowing, Mer." Mark told her as he gave her a huge. "And I bet you are going nuts, too?" He whispered in her ear.

"You have no idea." Meredith grumbled as she followed him into the great room. 

Derek walked down the stairs. He was so proud of his little girl and it was more than apparent as he marched. Kristy's eyes lit up as she looked up at the little girl. She felt a connection with the baby. It wasn't a mother daughter connection, but it was something very strong. Kristy quickly walked over with a huge smile on her face.

"There's my girl! How is my niece?" Kristy asked as she touched the baby's face. "She is so gorgeous!" She said as she reached.

"No, Kris!" Mark said frankly. "You need to sit down if you are going to hold her. No lifting, and that baby is a load and a half." He said as he rushed over and walked her to the sofa. Mark grabbed Cassidy from Derek's hands and held her close for a second. Derek and Meredith shared a smile as they watched how careful Mark was with her.

"Look at her, Mark. Can you believe she was inside of me?" She asked as Mark handed the baby to her.

"She is an amazing little shit." Mark agreed with a chuckle. Meredith and Derek both sat down and watched Kristy hold the baby. Meredith was relieved that Kristy knew the boundaries. Kristy never acted like Cassidy was her own baby.

"Derek.. Will you get that?" Meredith asked as she looked up as him. He knew exactly what she was talking about and left the room. 

"You are the sweetest baby in the world. u had you in my belly and you were so quiet and soft. Such a little angel." Kristy said as she kissed her softly. "She looks hungry, Mer..." Kristy pointed out as she handed the baby to Mark to hand her to Meredith.

"She is." Meredith agreed as she grabbed a throw off of the back of the chair and lifted her shirt to nurse the baby.

"Kris, Mark... This is from us. Just a little thank you." Derek said as he handed her the envelope. Kristy opened it up and looked in shock. Her face lit up as she handed it to Mark.

"This is so unnecessary!" Kristy said as she shook her head. "Really, guys! A day at Avanti..."

"That's not all, Kris." Mark pointed out in shock. "This is... A week in Kauai, for both of us. A week at a condo on the beach." Mark said in shock as he looked at the tickets and the brochure. "Way too much."

"There will never be enough in the world to give you guys... You gave us something special. You gave us a miracle." Derek said with a smile. Meredith and Derek both looked at Kristy. She was a great friend. She was their best friend. They would never be able to express how much it meant. It meant the world.


	171. Get Together

Meredith looked down at her nursing baby and then up at Kristy. Kristy looked so happy as she sat there. Meredith didn't know how she could always feel that way. Her friend seemed to be happy all of the time. There were only three times that she ever saw a bad side, and those were extenuating circumstances. Meredith had been more than fortunate to find such a great person. She knew that. She really did.

"Kristy!" Linda said as she rushed into the great room.

"Mom! I didn't know you were here." Kristy said with a smile as she jumped up and rushed over. Meredith looked at the exchange. She loved Linda Shepherd. She always had. But she couldn't help but think that Kristy was that perfect woman. She was kind and good hearted. She was generous. She was the perfect wife and mother.

"Oh, of course not. Why, Meredith didn't even know I was coming until she opened up the door for me." Linda said with a smile as she looked over at her son.

"Derek... What did you do?" Kristy asked with a giggle.

Kristy thought back to the moments of their relationship. He had always hated going to his mother's. They seemed close, and their love was genuine, but she could see that something was definitely wrong between them. It didn't take long after the discovery of Meredith. It was obvious that Linda knew her son too well, and every time they went home to see her, she could tell that he wasn't happy. Kristy was just holding the spot until Meredith returned. And she still shuddered at the thought of Meredith not returning, and what her life would have been.

"I was caught up. But to be fair, none of this was Meredith. It was all me, just as it is every time. When you were in the OR, Mer told me that I needed to call her. I just... I saw Cass, and everything went out the window." Derek said as he walked over to Meredith, who was wiping Cassidy's mouth.

"It's true. Since this little girl has arrived, I am chopped liver. But it's all good. I know he will come crawling back soon enough." Meredith gigged as Derek grabbed Cassidy out of her hands.

"I always do..." Derek muttered as he held his baby close. "How is daddy's little girl? How is my angel?" Derek asked as he kissed her softly.

It was funny how he didn't care about what people thought. He didn't care that he looked like a fool as he pecked tiny kisses on his baby's face. He didn't care that he was turning into goo, less of a man than he had ever been. All of that goes out the window when you hold your child in your arms. And Derek was feeling that in the biggest way.

"Well, I am sure that dinner is done. Are you guys ready?" Linda asked as she wiped her hands on the towel she was holding.

"I'm starving!" Mark said with a big nod. "What are we having?"

"Meredith insisted on chicken breast and stir-fried vegetables." Linda told them as she walked towards the kitchen. Derek laid a sleeping Cassidy in the port-a-crib. He sat the baby monitor close so they could hear her faint cries.

"That sounds perfect, Mom." Kristy said with an agreeing nod as she followed the woman in the kitchen to help with dinner. Linda and Kristy did have cooking in common. They both liked it, and they were both good at it. Luckily Derek had picked up his mother's skills as she forced them upon him.

"I think we have all learned, whatever Meredith wants, Meredith gets." Derek pointed out as he leaned over and kissed his wife. She have him a joking glare and shook her head. They all knew that Derek was wrapped around her finger tightly.

"It just sounded good. I know the babies need their vegetables. They say that they crave whatever their mom ate when she was pregnant. I want them to eat a variety. Although, I am sure that Cassidy will only eat bavarian cream and donuts." Meredith joked as she looked up at her friend.

"What can I say, Mark makes a wonderful bavarian cream." Kristy told the all as she ribbed Mark in the side.

"Do you?" Linda asked frankly as she looked over at him in shock. 

"I have learned." Mark agreed as he looked up. "Derek and I have made it together on a few occasions." He told her with a nod as the placed the last serving platter on the table and all sat down to eat.

"So Kris... How is your surgical scar? Are you having any pain?" Meredith asked as she looked across the table. Mark handed Meredith the rolls, Meredith taking two of them.

"It is looking good. Addison did a great job. Even Mark agreed with that." Kristy said with a smile as she took some chicken off of the platter and placed it back on the table.

"Addie did a great job. Maybe she missed her true calling?" Mark asked with a smile. He knew he was the best in his field. And Addison was an OBGYN goddess. "I don't think I could have done much better myself. She use stitches instead of staples, and that is paramount."

"Well, I just- This is huge, Kris. You will never know. You think you know... But that trip is nothing. You gave us life. You gave us a new lease on life. So, expect payment for the rest of yours." Derek said with a smile. They all looked at each other. At the moment, they couldn't be happier if they tried.

-------------

Meredith laid her head back on the chair. She loved the cushy chair. It used to swallow her body whole, but now that she was a little bigger, it felt great. In the middle of the day, when the sun would peek through the windows, she would sit back in the chair and close her eyes. It was becoming a guilty self indulgence. But she needed it. Derek knew and so did Linda.

Derek smiled at Meredith. She had her eyes closed, and faint moans were escaping her mouth. They weren't the moans of sex. They weren't the moans of Derek pleasing her in the best way he knew how. They were the moans of pure unadulterated pleasure. Derek sat on the ottoman with her daily tired foot on his thigh. He kneaded it gently, working harder and harder into her sore arch.

"Oh, Derek... Thank you." Meredith said with a smile. Her feet were hurting a good amount of the time. And when she was fortunate enough to have Derek accord to this daily pleasure, she was in pure heaven.

"Anything for you, Mer." He agreed with a smile. He meant it. He would do anything she asked with no reservation. He had come to appreciate how the little things he did for her effected everyone and everything around her.

"I know when I was pregnant for Derek, that was all I wanted. That right there. And of course, your father was busy at the university. So I learned to go without. But that, Derek- You have no idea how that feels, or what it means. It is a deep-seated craving we have." Linda explained as she looked at him with a nod.

"I never knew that you knit, mom..." Meredith said in disbelief as she watched the woman work the needles.

"I don't often. I love to do it, but I can't sit and do it for hours. The ladies at the church and I get together a few times a week and knit. It has become quite a thing. I would say we get about ten of us together. We talk about life. About how proud we are of our children. And I have to say, I am fortunate enough to have five amazing ones." Linda pointed out as she worked the pink and blue yarn in a perfect rhythm.

"Five... I know you are getting a bit long in the tooth, mom... I'm not saying you are senile, but you do realize you only have four kids, right? Unless there is an illegitimate one that you have locked in our basement." Derek said with a chuckle as he looked at his mother.

"Oh yes, Derek... Don't you remember when you were a child. At night I would sneak down with the big key and unlock the secret door. Once in a while, I was nice enough to throw in a loaf of bread." She joked as she looked up. "I was talking about Meredith!" Linda told him frankly. "Meredith, you are an amazing woman. You have no idea how much I wish I could say that you were mine. i would be so proud to tell everyone." Linda said with a smile as she looked up. "But then again, we would have that uncomfortable conversation of why did my son marry his sister..." They all laughed, listening to her words.

Meredith sat there in shock. She had always felt inferior next to Kristy. But she was soon seeing that she wasn't any better, and she wasn't any worse. She was her. She was her and that was what made Linda respect her so much. Not to mention, she and Derek had created the most amazing and beautiful grandchild for her. Otherwise known as the secret weapon.

"Mom... You have no idea... Thank you." Meredith said softly as she looked up at her. She quickly slipped her foot out of Derek's grasp and swapped it for another. "That means more than anything..." She trailed off. 

Linda looked at Meredith. She could tell that the Meredith was truly grateful for the gesture. She had always had a soft spot in her heart for her. She knew that Ellis and Richard did love their daughter. But she also knew that Meredith's real father was no where to be found, and Ellis was always too busy for her only child. Linda found it abhorrent that anyone could treat their child with such a lack of esteem.

"Do you think... I would love to learn, to knit." Meredith told her with a nod. Maybe it would keep me busy." Meredith explained as she looked over at Linda. A smile crossed the woman's face as she looked at her.

"I would love nothing more than to teach you to knit." Linda told her with a smile and a nod. "Why don't you come over here?" She asked as she patted the the sofa.

Meredith ambled over to the sofa and plopped down. Derek took her place in the soft chair and watched. He loved to see the two women that meant so much to him so close. He watched as Linda explained everything to her. He knew Meredith would pick it up quickly. She was amazing in the operating room and had dexterity with a scalpel.

"I think we need to do something about the closet, Derek." Meredith explained as she looked up. "I was in there, and it is a mess! It needs to be organized. I think we need to have some cabinets or something... I know that Gina was telling me about their carpenter, and how amazing he is. Maybe he could do some work?"

"If that is what you want, we can call." Derek told her with a nod. "The closet is not the most space efficient place in the house." Derek agreed. "I will get the number from Gina's husband. What is his name?"

"Dave." Meredith said with a nod.

"Yep... That's it. I will talk to Dave." He told her with a smile as he grabbed the newest copy of the Journal of the American Medical Association and flipped through. He looked up to see Marley climb in the sofa and lay against Meredith. He knew the dog as missing his mom.

"So Meredith... I know that this is a touchy subject for you..." Linda started with a smile. 

"Go ahead." Meredith replied as she glanced up with a smile. "You can ask me anything."

"I was wondering... Your mother... Are you going to let her see Cassidy? I mean, I know she is rotten, but I think that you should allow it. Maybe once." Linda suggested, knowing how much it meant to see your grandchildren. 

"Well actually, Ellis already saw Cassidy." Derek blurted out without thinking. The minute he looked at his mom's face, he knew he had made a huge mistake.

"What?" Linda said in shock as she looked up.

Meredith fought the urge to run over and smack Derek in the head. She wasn't sure whether she should be a faux-naif, or go to bat. She knew that Derek deserved whatever storm was heading his way. He could have easily let that comment go. Linda would have never found out that Ellis held Cassidy before she even knew she had a grandchild present in the world.

"Shit..." Derek muttered under his breath. He looked up to see the ever present death glare coming from Meredith. "Mom... It was... Complicated." Derek explained as he looked into the hurt light blue eyes of Linda Caitria Shepherd.

"Complicated? Complicated like not telling me for all that time? Was it complicated like that, son?" She asked as the tears poured out of her eyes.

"Mom..." Meredith said softly as she dropped her needles and looked over.

"No... Please. I just... This comes to a shock. I don't understand how this woman who treated you both so unfairly... This woman who had no regard for your happiness... How can she walk in and hold this sweet child. She- Maybe this is me being selfish, but I should have held her first. Not that... That... Dragon!" Linda spat as she jumped up.

Meredith gave Derek a nasty look as she sat there. She was in shock. She really did want to hit him now. She knew how Linda must have felt. Even she held Linda with more acclaim that she would ever hold to Ellis. Meredith felt like Derek had hurt her own mother, and in essence, she had. Meredith shook her head and patted Marley, waiting fro Derek to jump up.

"You better go fix that. You are the one who screwed this up." Meredith told him with a nod. "I'm not really sure what you were thinking."

"I wasn't. That has been the problem for awhile now. It is a chronic problem. Cass is... She had ways. She is letting off rays of baby goo and making me act like an idiot." Derek explained as he sat down the JAMA, and stood up.

"Yeah... Blame it on the baby. What the hell are you going to do when you have three, Derek? It won't be any easier. In fact, I think you may lay down on pee on your belly now." Meredith explained as she shooed him away. "Just go..."

"I am." Derek said as he drew in a deep breath and walked off. He was dreading this moment. He didn't even know how to dig himself out of this mess. No idea whatsoever. "Mom..." He said as he pushed open the hickory door with it's cast brass handle.

"Derek... I can't. That is... This is too much. You have no regard for me." Linda said frankly. "All I have ever done is love you. And the minute you walked out that door when you were eighteen, I lost you. You were there, but not so close. And then, when Meredith... You died with her. You are a great man... But you forgot about me." Linda said as she cried.

"Oh, Mom... I didn't. I love you. You're my mom." Derek explained. "And once again, I know you will think I am full of shit, but it was Cass. You know she was born at Seattle Presbyterian. That is Ellis' hospital. And they were there, and I couldn't deny her. I couldn't deny anyone. All Cassidy can do is save her. Cassidy is innocent and sweet. And- I love you, mom. And I respect you. And I am sorry. There isn't much more I can say. I want to have a relationship. I want a good healthy one. So... I think today, we- I, turn a leaf. I love you mom..." Derek said as he pulled her into a hug. "It was stupid, and Mer... I thought she was going to kill me."

"Oh, Derek... Sometimes I think I raised a boy that has too much heart, and not enough brains. Either that, or the wires are crossed. Because can be such and idiot!" She said as she smacked him. "Ellis had rights. Maybe not a lot, but she deserved one time. I can't be mad that she got it. Besides...We have two more on the way. And I am not missing that!" 

"No... No you are not." Derek agreed with a smile. "We want you here. You should have been for Cass. But I think now... We now what we are doing." Derek explained as he looked at her.

"You are both wonderful parents. I am proud." Linda told him with a nod. Derek knew... That meant a lot.


	172. Need To Be Free

Derek walked through the hospital. He was looking for any reason to evade working. Seattle Grace was a place he loved, but it had also become a place that drove him crazy. The whole time he was there, he thought about Meredith and Cassidy. He knew his mom was taking great care of them both, but he wanted to be there. Derek also knew that once the twins came, he would be home for a very long time. He needed to get things done while he could. Especially the cases that needed to be followed through.

"How is the baby, Dr. Shepherd?" Justin Weathers asked as he walked up.

"She's great. Getting huge..." Derek pointed out with a smile. The minute anyone asked about her, he lit up like an LED light.

"Dr. Shepherd's interns... Well, Drs. Carter, Eastman, Mather and I were wondering if it would be okay... If we came and saw her. We all... Dr. Grey-Shepherd was the best resident any of us could have had. We would love to see your baby." Justin explained as he looked up.

"I think Mer would love that." Derek agreed. He knew that even though she was bloated and feeling huge, she wanted some company. "You should definitely call first. But Cassidy is up for visitors." Derek told him with a nod.

"I will let the others know. You have a good day, Dr. Shepherd." Justin told him with a smile as he walked away.

Derek had to grin. Meredith had done an amazing job with her interns. She was just tough enough when they needed it, but she had also known when to let them fly on their own. She was the first doctor willing to let them make a cut or try a minor prcedure. She raised a group of highly intelligent capable doctors that would go far. He knew that she had no idea how well she did, but everyone in the hospital agreed that the four doctors would go far in the medical field.

Derek grabbed his chart and rushed off. He had a craniotomy. He could do one in his sleep. They had become so run of the mill. But the truth was, he wasn't like the younger doctors. The others were looking for injuries and accidents so that they could get amazing cases. He just wanted people to stay healthy. He had learned his lesson far before he started his career in medicine. As he walked to his patient's room, he thought about Meredith at home with their child.

"Dr. Shepherd..." He heard a voice say. He looked up to see an intern standing there. "Your pager is going off, sir." He pointed out as he looked at the man. Derek was in shock that he didn't hear it. He had been too distracted.

"What... OH!" He said as he looked down at it. He looked at the 911 page that was staring back at him. "Shit... Go to the board. Reschedule that craniotomy." Derek said as he rushed off.

Derek got distracted as he ran to the pit. It was good. He needed the distraction. He needed to get his mind off of his wife and child. He loved them more than anything, but he knew that thinking about them all day long only made him remember just what it was that he was missing. He never thought the bond of his family could be so strong. But it was. It was everything.

Derek went through the craniotomy. Everyone was laughing at his musical selection of the Clash. He didn't care. He was in that mood. He had learned to appreciate their music, even if no one else had. Derek missed looking up and seeing Meredith's face in the gallery. Or their little rendezvous in the on-call rooms. He just missed her. Even if he did sleep next to her every night, they were a power pair at Seattle Grace. And he wanted that back.

Derek threw off his scrub cap and began scrubbing his hands. He hadn't seen Mark around, and he knew that Kristy was still of. He was hoping that Kristy was at his house keeping his wife company. As he walked out into the hallway, he walked straight into Miranda Bailey. He respected her as chief. She only bothered if she had to. She seemed to have her own agenda of business and surgery.

"Dr. Bailey." Derek said as he came to a screeching halt. "How are you?"

"I am good. And how is your wife and child?" Miranda asked as she looked into the man's blue eyes.

"Good... Great. Mer is just about ready to pop." Derek told her with a nod. "She still ha over two months left, but she is getting fairly large for her small frame."

"That is great." Miranda told him with a nod. "I actually have a letter for her. If you get some time, maybe you could stop by my office?" She asked. Derek knew that Meredith's fellowship was nearly over, and if she wasn't hired in here, she would be without a job per say.

"Okay... Is everything okay?" Derek asked, almost knowing that it was a counter offer to her recent ones. He wasn't worried about it being anything major.

"Of course. I just wanted to get this paper out to her. So if you could stop, that would be great." She said with a smile as she walked away.

Derek knew that no matter what that offer was, that she would take it. There was nothing that could pull either of them away from Seattle. Seattle was the place they loved. And Meredith was willing to take a pay cut just to stay. Besides, Derek made enough money that they didn't have to worry about it. Meredith's top pay would just be the icing on the cake. He was so proud of her. She may have carried the Grey name, but she did it all on her own.

Meredith laid back on the sofa. It seemed her day consisted of eating, sleeping and nursing Cassidy. It was getting old, and it was getting old very fast. She longed for a scalpel. She was actually beginning to think that when she did get to use a scalpel, she wouldn't even know how to hold it. She was secretly cutting things with scalpels. Anything. Apples, oranges. Anything so that she could remember what it felt like to be a surgeon.

Meredith grabbed the Journal of American Medicine and began flipping through. She almost felt angry as she looked at it. She felt like she was missing out on something. She was missing out on the cutting edge surgeries and excitement. And at the moment, she even missed the gossip. She was hoping that when Cassidy got older it would be more fun. She had no idea how much she would be praying to come back to this.

Meredith heard the ring of the doorbell. Anyone. She would talk to anyone. It didn't matter who it was. She would talk to the United Parcel Service guy if he would have it. She loved Linda, but she was getting irritated by the woman's never ending concerns and pestering. She quickly jumped off of the sofa and rushed to the door. She opened it without hesitation.

"Oh thank god!" She said in desperation as she as she looked at the man. The man looked at her in shock. She was a crazy woman in need of something. Anything. "Now... Who are you?" Meredith questioned with a giggle.

"Hello... I'm Aaron... I think it was your husband who called. I'm the carpenter." He said as he stuck out his hand.

"Oh! Yes... I'm Meredith. Meredith Grey." She told him as she grabbed his hand and shook it warmly. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too, ma'am." He said with a smile and a nod. Meredith waved for him to come in.

"Please, call me Meredith." She told him with a smile. "I don't know what Derek discussed with you... But maybe you would like to take a look?" She asked as she walked him up the stairs. 

"Meredith, dear... Who is here?" Linda shouted from the basement.

"Everything is fine!" Meredith yelled as she kept walking. "My mother-in-law. In other words, my babysitter. Not sitting the baby... Watching me." She grumbled as she walked up to the landing very slowly. "So.. We need more storage. This closet has so much wasted space." She explained as they walked in the master bedroom.

"Wow..." Aaron said as he walked into the closet. "You were not kidding." He muttered as he looked at the wall's wasted space.

"Any ideas?" Meredith asked as she looked around. "I know I just need a place to put some of my shoes. Derek has that side, and this is my side. And we just need to be able to get as much in here as we can." She explained as she looked around.

"Well, I can give you several ideas. I could definitely built something for storage. I can make some plans up tonight and bring them back. But I really think this is a job that could be easily done." He told her as he grabbed out his measuring tape and went to work measuring dimensions.

"Oh good." Meredith said with a nod as she watched him. She laid her hands on her huge abdomen and smiled.

"Meredith... Where are you, dear?" Linda asked as she walked towards the master bedroom.

"The freaking gestapo." Meredith said with a frown. "Can you run a string of electric wire too?" She giggled, thinking of ways to keep Linda out of her room and out of her way.

"Oh... It can't be that bad!" Aaron said with a laugh, hearing Linda's steps as she neared.

"Meredith! You should be laying down!" Linda said quickly as she looked in. "What do you think you are doing?" Linda asked, with her hands on her hips. Meredith gave Aaron an I told you so look before she turned towards the woman.

"Trying to live." Meredith grumbled as she walked away. She was tired of Linda following her around like she was a dog. Meredith just wanted some free time to herself. She wanted to run naked through the house and make ass prints on the windows. Anything but go back to the sofa. "Come on, Mar." Meredith said as she walked to the door. "How would you like to go for a walk?" 

Marley jumped up and ran to the door. Meredith wasn't on a bed rest order from Addison. She was on bed rest order from Linda. She was tired of it. She needed to move her legs. She needed to do something other than sit like a bump on a log. She pulled on her comfortable shoes and clipped the brass clip of Marley's leather leash onto his collar. They were off. And Meredith had no idea how much trouble she would be in when she returned

Meredith had never been so happy to be out in the fresh air in her life. She took in a breath, feeling the oxygen fill her lungs. She felt like she had been breathing in stagnant air for all eternity. She had been cooped up in the house forever. She was a milk maid. She was nothing. She knew that she had a good hour before Cassidy would need to nurse. And Linda was doing a fine job raising Meredith's baby all by herself. She wasn't needed.

Meredith looked at the houses as she walked up. She did like the neighborhood. They had one of the nicest houses in the area. They were lucky enough to be set back in a slightly wooded area. You couldn't even see the house behind it's grey brick wall and landscaping. That was the way that Derek liked it. Meredith walked by the houses of their neighbors wondering if they were living in hell.

"Meredith!" She heard someone yell. She liked the people in the neighborhood, but the women were moms. They were the kinds of moms that she didn't want to be.

"Gina... How are you?" Meredith asked as she pulled Marley to a stop. She noticed Gina's eyes on her enormous stomach.

"I am great." Gina said with a smile. "How's Cassidy?" She asked with a smile.

"She is great. So amazing. You just- you have no idea until you get there. At that moment, when you hold your baby. It is amazing..." Meredith told her with a huge grin as she thought about the day that Cassidy arrived in the world.

"You... It is amazing. I'm glad to hear she is doing well. And you... Wow. When are you due?" She asked as she went to grab her stomach. Meredith held her breath. She didn't like that.

"Eight weeks." Meredith said with a sigh as she looked down. Gina had a look of shock on her face. Meredith got that look from everyone.

"I- Wow.. Are you on bed rest? You just... You look like you are ready to pop. I'm sorry, but I am just shocked. You are such a string bean. And on someone as tiny as you, it is ore noticeable, you know?" She asked as she looked at Meredith.

"Well, other than a sore back, I feel pretty good. My feet ache, but that isn't horrible. I think more than anything, I am losing my mind. I love my mother-in-law, but sometimes, I just want to run away from home. So that is what I am doing." Meredith explained as she rubbed Marley's head for being so patient.

"Well, that is wonderful. Except the mother-in-law. I hate mine. She is from hell. And I mean, I literally think she came from hell." Gina said with a frown. "I see Aaron's truck is in your driveway. Did you guys decide to hire him?" She asked as she motioned to her house.

"He's going to work on a storage issue in our walk in closet. And I'm sure we will find one or two more things for him. I mean, if it keep Linda out of my hair, I will put him on salary and he can move in." Meredith joked as she looked over at her large house.

"Well, he really is great. And not bad to look at. My kids were convinced that I was in a trance. I was really just staring at his fine derrière, you know what I mean?" She asked with a giggle.

"No... I mean... I haven't looked. But that's uh... Good to know." Meredith said with a fake smile. She really wasn't into looking anymore. Derek really was her one true love, and she was more than satisfied with him. She would occasionally take a glance, but it wasn't really her thing. She knew all to well what it was to lose love. "So... I really should get going. I need to walk." Meredith told her with a nod and a smile.

"Well, it was nice talking to you. And I can't wait to see the babies when they arrive." Gina told her as she watched Meredith walk off. Gina walked back into her boring house to do the same things she did all the time. She couldn't help but envy the woman who seemed so sure of herself.

"So, Marley... Is grandma making you want to kill yourself? Do you want to commit puppy suicide?" She asked as she shook her head. "Grandma is making me want to run my head into this parked car right here. Yes she is... Yes she is..." Meredith muttered as Marley wagged his tail happily. Meredith stared at the Lexus LS and wondered what it would look like with her head print in the side of it.

The walk was feeling great. Marley never put an ounce of tension on the leash. The funny thing was, he would drag Derek all over creation when he tried to walk him. Meredith always said it was because he loved mommy best. Derek just shook his head. He knew it was true. Meredith and Marley walked away from their cul-de-sac, down the road and to the park. She didn't even realize the time as she walked.

Derek drove through the familiar neighborhood and down his street. He loved their house. It was just private enough, but not so much that they were out in the middle of nowhere. And he loved that it was surrounded by a brick wall. He didn't like the idea of anyone coming up through the ravine and into their yard. The house and the property made him feel that he and his family were safe.

"Mer... Mom..." Derek shouted as he walked in. He immediately chided himself for yelling. He could have awoken Cassidy.

"Oh... Derek. You are home early." Linda said with a smile as she came down the stairs looking at her watch. She looked around, slightly puzzled, but didn't say a word.

"Where's Mer?" Derek asked as he looked around. He quickly walked into the kitchen, he had a bad feeling. He just knew something wasn't right.

"Um... I don't- She was just here... Meredith! Meredith, dear... Where are you?" Linda asked loudly as she looked around, looking for her.

"Mer... This isn't funny!" Derek said as he rushed around the house. "Mom... Where the hell did she go?" He spat as he looked. "Where is my wife."

"I don't know..." Linda said with a frown as she rushed around. Both were now in a full-blown panic, looking for Meredith. 


	173. So Much

Derek rushed down the into the basement and then quickly up the stairs. He was in a panic. The first thing he thought was that she had been abducted. It may be a crazy thought, but he could only imagine it. He could see someone taking her and letting her give birth to their children. He thought about what it would be like, her giving birth and their children being sold and Meredith possibly murdered. He hated those dark thoughts, but he was worried about her. And she was nowhere to be found.

"Damn-it, Mer! Where the hell are you?" Derek shouted loudly. He heard his voice ring through the house. If she was playing around, she was in beg trouble.

"Meredith! Where are you dear?" Linda shouted from upstairs. Just as Derek came through the kitchen, he heard the door open.

"You really were a good boy, Mar... Such a good boy. Who is mommy's good boy? You needed that... You did. You really did!" She said as she patted him on the head and hung up his leash on it's designated hook on the door. Meredith placed her hand on her stomach and smiled. Her babies were awake and active.

"Where the hell have you been?" Derek and Linda asked simultaneously as they walked into the front entrance. Meredith looked up, knowing she was in big trouble.

"Uh... I went for a walk." She told them as she slid off her light jacket and hung it on the bench. Derek clenched his jaw to keep himself from getting upset. He wanted to shake the life out of her for making him worry. He wanted to scream. Instead he took a deep breath and and blew his stress out.

"A walk? Mer... Have you seen yourself?" He asked in shock as he looked at her oversized abdomen.

"I needed a walk, Derek. And I don't really want to hear it." She told him as she threw up her hand and walked into the kitchen. Meredith grabbed a bottle of water and leaned against the counter.

"You don't want to talk about it?" Derek asked in shock. "You just went out walking. You have no business walking. Look at you! You could have- You have to quit doing this!" Derek spat as he looked into her green eyes.

"I need to get out, Derek. If I don't get out, someone is going to die. Do you want someone to die?" Meredith asked angrily as she looked at him. She was getting too testy. She was getting angry. She was tried of it. Tried of the sedentary life.

"Mer... I know you hate this... I know you do. But honey, you need to take care of yourself." Derek told her as he walked up. They all heard Cassidy on the baby monitor.

"I will get her." Linda told them with a nod as she walked out of the room. Meredith watched until Linda was out of earshot.

"I love her, Derek. Really, I do love her. But she is killing me. She is fucking killing me. She makes me lay around. I know what my body needs. My body needs to move, Derek. I need to move. Please stop her. Please, Derek, please!" Meredith begged as she collapsed against him in tears.

"I'll stay home, baby. I will stay here with you." Derek told her with a smile as he rubbed her head gently. "I will call Miranda, and see if I can start my leave now."

"No... I know that you want to be there. You will be home for so long. Just... We need to go somewhere, okay? I mean dinner. A movie. Anywhere. I just need to get away. you, me, Cass... Her... Anyone, anywhere. I need out of this house." Meredith said with a frown as she looked at him.

"We ca do that. Whatever you want to do. We can do whatever you need. But you need to tell me. You can't just walk off. For god's sake, I thought you were dead. I panicked. I worry about losing you and you can't pull that stuff." Derek explained as he ran his hand over her cheek.

"I'm sorry. I really am." Meredith agreed as she pulled away and looked to Linda, who was walking in with her daughter. "There is my baby girl!" Meredith cooed as she grabbed her child and held her close. "There's daddy. Are you looking at your daddy?" Meredith asked as she pointed to Derek.

"How is daddy's little girl?" Derek asked as he leaned in and kissed his baby on the head. You smell so good..."

"Daddy lies. You stink little girl. Cassi needs a bath. Yes you do... You gots a stink." Meredith said as she smelled her baby. "Not really, but we don't need you getting funky." She told her baby as she walked through the house and into the great room.

"My baby could never smell funky. She is too sweet!" Derek said with a smile as he followed them to the sofa. "Mer... Look at you." Derek laughed as he looked at his wife trying to nurse Cassidy around her huge baby bump.

"I know. I am a cow. It's pretty freaking sad." Meredith laughed as she watched Cassidy struggle.

"You should probably try to wean her onto formula." Derek pointed out as he watched his daughter nurse.

"No... I am going to nurse them all." Meredith said frankly. She looked over at Derek. She hated the look he had on his face. It was a smirk that said no way in hell. He was nicely disagreeing. She would much rather have a down and out fight than to have him do that.

"Oh yeah... That will happen." Derek said with a chuckle. "You will never be able to. You will kill yourself. Meredith... Women can't nurse three at a time. Just ask my mom."

"I can and I will." Meredith growled as she looked at him.

"Mom!" Derek yelled loudly. Meredith looked at him in shock and clenched her jaw.

"Oh no you didn't!" She spat as she looked into his eyes. Now he was in deep shit.

"What?" Derek asked with a smirk as he looked up at Meredith. Meredith gave him a sharp glare as she looked into his not-so-innocent blue eyes.

"I can't believe you just went bitch and called your mom." Meredith answered as she shook her head in disgust. "I just hope someday you will grow up." She said with a giggle.

"Eh, well, like you said, you will be raising many kids. And I am one of them." Derek told her with a wink as he leaned in and kissed her face softly.

"What's going on? Is everything okay? You called me..." Linda pointed out as she walked into the great room with a glass of juice for Meredith.

"Oh, Derek is just being a fool." Meredith said with a sigh. She knew there was some true to Derek's comment, but she wanted to do the very best for all of her babies. She rubbed Cassidy's face gently and looked up at the two of them.

"Actually, Meredith was going on about nursing. And I was explaining to her that she needed to stop nursing Cassidy. It will be way too much on her body. Tell her mom... Tell her." Derek pleaded as he looked at his mom.

"Well, I do think Derek is right. But here is the thing. It is your body, no one else's. So you need to not worry about what Derek says and just go with how you feel. With that being said, you really need to listen to your body. You need to do the best for all of your kids, that is the key." Linda pointed out as she looked at Meredith. Meredith smiled as she looked at the woman who forever remained diplomatic.

"Real helpful, mom." Derek said as he looked at her in shock. He was a little put out with his mother for not openly taking his side and doing what he thought was best. "Thanks for the input."

"Well, Derek... I am not going to lie to her. She knows her body. You do not know her body. I don't know her body. And I think you know your wife well enough to know that she would never endanger your children." Linda said with a nod and a smile.

"Thank you, mom. Derek... I would think you would know that I would never hurt Cass or the twins." She said with a faint smile as Cassidy released her and looked up.

"I know that. It's not them I worry about. It's you, Mer. I don't want them to suck the life out of you." Derek told her as he stroked her cheek. "But you are right... It is your body."

"Thank you." Meredith responded as she held a sleeping Cassidy in her arms.

"Before I forget... Bailey gave this to me." Derek said as he pulled an envelope out of his breast pocket. Meredith gave him a puzzled look as she grabbed it out of his hand. "I think that may be the offer you have been waiting for."

"Oh... Wow." Meredith said with a sigh as she held the envelope up and looked at it. She placed it beside her on the sofa and focused on her baby.

"You aren't going to open it?" Derek asked in shock as he watched her. He was bursting at the seams, and it wasn't even his offer. He couldn't wait to see what she was going to get.

"Eh... We have time. I cam spending time with my daughter right now." Meredith said with a smile as she looked at her little girl.

"You're not going to want to go back. You realize that, right?" Linda asked as she looked at Meredith holding her daughter. "Especially when you have two more here with you. You will never be able to leave them."

"I know it will be hard. But I am a surgeon. I will always be a surgeon." Meredith told her frankly. Being a surgeon was her dream, and selfish or not, she didn't want to give that up. Not for anyone. If she had to, she would. She had no idea what the future would bring.

"Only if you open that letter and see what your offer is." Derek told her with a smile and a nod. "Hand me the baby and open the letter." He told her with a smile.

"Fine." Meredith told him as she rolled her eyes. "As if you didn't hog our daughter the first few days she was alive!" Meredith said with a nod. Derek shook his head and smiled. "Here goes nothing..." Meredith told him as she ripped open the envelope. "Not that it really matters..."

"It matters. It always matters." Derek told her with a smile. "You will probably be offered more money than anyone has ever heard of." Derek told her happily as she pulled the paper out of the envelope. "So?" He asked as he looked at her face.

"One point two." Meredith said as she stared at the paper in shock. "With a fifty thousand dollar sign on bonus and my own office." She told him with a smile as she looked up at him. "That is good, right?" She wasn't even sure why she was asking him. She knew it was good. She knew it was phenomenal.

"Mer... That is amazing. I mean... That is eight-hundred less than me, and I was sought after. For a first year as an attending... That is amazing!" He told her as he leaned over and kissed her. "You are so wonderful... I am so proud of you. You have no idea." Derek told her with a smile. "So I would venture to say that you are taking the offer?"

"Of course I am taking the offer." Meredith told him with a smile as she looked over the page again, making sire she had read it correctly. "Look." She told him as she handed him the letter.

"This is great, Mer... Really great." Derek told her as he read over the letter. "And Bailey knows the circumstances, so she will let you have as much maternity leave as you need." Derek explained as he looked into her eyes.

"That is true." Meredith agreed as she looked up. Linda down at her with a grin. "It's good, right?" She asked Linda as she looked at her.

"Meredith... That is amazing. Nancy is a great OB/GYN. You have no idea. I mean, she was top of her class out of medical school. And when she got out of residency, do you know what her offer was?" Linda asked as she looked at Meredith and Derek.

"Oh... This will be good!" Derek said with an evil grin. It had always been him against his sisters. He had to battle the evil sisters to make it. And now he was getting the best dirt of his lifetime. He knew he made more money than his siblings.

"Derek... Don't you dare. You will not use this as ammo. Your sister... This is not a competition. You know what... I think I need to take Cass. Maybe you need to do something. Maybe you need to go away for a bit." Linda said frankly as she pointed away.

"What? No!" Derek said with a frown as he handed Cassidy to Linda and stood up. "Fine... But don't think my wife won't tell me." He taunted as he walked away.

Meredith looked at her husband. He was such a baby. He was so immature when it came to his mother. He reverted back to the days when he was a little mama's boy with a scraped knee. Meredith shook her head at him, but at the same time, she found it adorable that he was so childish. It was a side of him that she rarely saw. He was so used to being a doctor and responsible.

"Mom... You don't need to tell me." Meredith told her quickly. She didn't want to feel better or worse about her new salary and she didn't want to know. She knew Derek would try to get it out of her.

"Nonsense... Nancy is not the caliber that you are. She is in a less demanding field. You are now a cardio goddess." Linda explained as she looked down at the little woman with her huge abdomen.

"I don't know if you could say that..." Meredith pointed out as she shook her head. "But maybe I am on my way."

"You are. You will be amazing. You already are. And one-point-two is amazing. Nancy was offered five-hundred and she snatched it up." Linda explained as she looked up. Meredith was in shock at that amount. She thought for sure she would be closer to a million. She also remembered that Nancy wasn't in a big city.

"Wow... But she is kind of in the middle of no where." Meredith said, trying to soften the blow. Linda looked at her and smiled softly. "And if Nancy where here... I would have her take care of us." She pointed out as she patted her body.

"Addison is the best. Even Nancy will point that out." Linda explained with a nod. "So... What are we having for dinner?" Linda asked, ready to prepare their evening meal.

"I was hoping that we could go out tonight." Meredith suggested as she looked at her mother-in-law. Linda looked at her and smiled. She knew that Meredith was having cabin fever and needed to get out of the house. And she was thinking that with both she and Derek along, it would be safe.

"That sounds wonderful, Meredith. I will go get ready." Linda said as she handed Cassidy back to her and rushed off. Meredith looked down at her baby's smiling face. She looked so happy. She was so content.

"So?" Derek asked with a devilish grin as he rushed into the great room.

"Derek... You are incorrigible." Meredith giggled as she looked up at him. "And I am not telling you... Ever!" She told him with a kiss on the cheek. "But I have to admit, you are adorable."

"I know I am." He replied as he kissed her. Meredith shook her head and rolled her eyes. She really did love the man. So much.


	174. Well Worth It

Meredith sat on the sofa with her knitting needles. Surgical dexterity. That was what she kept telling herself. She needed to do that so that when she returned to her job, she's actually be able to do something with a scalpel. Meredith looked at her sleeping baby. At the moment, she thought the baby was a bore. She loved her more than anything, but at the same time she wished she was up and awake so that she could play with her.

"Dr. Grey." Aaron said loudly as he rushed into the house. They had gotten accustomed to him coming in and out.

"Aaron, how many times do I have to tell you... Call me Meredith." Meredith said with a smile as she looked over.

"I'm sorry... I'm just so used to- Most people want me to be formal and professional." Aaron explained as he looked at her. "You are honestly the only person I have worked for that has asked otherwise."

"Well, I consider you a friend." Meredith told him with a smile. She had gotten acquainted with him and they talked casually when he was working. "So how is it going? The job, I mean..."

"Well. I think I should be done in a couple of days." Aaron explained with a smile. "I just need to do some finish up work." He explained as he stood there, holding his drill.

"Oh... That's great. I'd love to me able to move everything back into the closet. It will give me something to do. Although, I bet Linda won't even let me near that mess." Meredith said with a frown. "If you ask me, she is a royal pain in the ass."

"Ah, she just cares about you." Aaron pointed out with a sigh. He could see Meredith's increasing irritation with Linda. He knew Linda was just being kind, but she was choking her out.

"I know... But that doesn't mean she doesn't drive me completely nuts." Meredith told him frankly. I just- I have been working all my life. And this sedentary life freaking sucks. And Cassidy sleeps all day." Meredith explained as she looked up at him.

"Babies with do that." Aaron explained with a smile. "My wife has never worked... She loved staying home with our three boys." Aaron told her with a smile.

"I almost feel guilty that I don't. But I have lost control. Linda takes care of Cass, and I just sit here like a bump on a log." Meredith explained with a frown. "I just- Sorry, I am being whiney." She told him with a frown. "I do that occasionally."

"It's fine. And you aren't being whiney. You are venting. Everyone needs to vent once in awhile." Aaron pointed out with a nod and a smile.

"That could be true." Meredith agreed as she looked at him. "Oh yes, before I forget... Derek wanted me to ask you about some other projects he wants done in the house. I know you are busy. And I don't want you to feel that you have to do them. But if you could, that would be great." Meredith explained as she looked up from her knitted mess.

"Oh, you guys are definitely on the top of my list. I have a job net week that will take a few hours, but after that, I will be available." Aaron told her with a smile. "So I am all yours."

"And we will take you." Meredith said with a smile as he walked off. She smiled, it was nice to have someone around. She knew Derek wanted to be, but she knew that he needed to work for his own sanity. Soon enough, there would be no sanity. Not at all.

Meredith looked up from her knitting to see Cassidy stirring slightly. She had no idea where Linda was, but she was happy to have her to herself. She sat her needles down the sofa and walked over to the port-a-crib. Meredith looked down at her baby, who's eyes were wide open and looking at her.

"There's mama's girl. How are you?" SHe asked softly. "Did you have a good sleep, baby?" She asked as she slowly bent over an picked up her large baby. "You are such a heavy girl. Look at you." Meredith said with a smile. "I think Cass needs some eats, and them maybe a bath. Mommy never gets to give her girl a bath." Meredith said quickly.

Meredith walked over to the sofa with her daughter and sat down. It was getting increasingly harder to do things with Cassidy. Meredith's huge stomach made it impossible to do anything. She had to learn. She loved having Linda around, but it was getting closer and closer to the time for Meredith to kick the woman out for good. She needed some peace. She wasn't a child anymore, and she was tired of being treated like one.

Meredith sat Cassidy back in the port-a-crib and went off to grab her bath supplies. She grabbed Cassidy's little both robe and her Baby Silk bath products. She couldn't wait to give the baby her bath. She had only done it once under Linda's watchful eye. She was looking forward to a little mommy/daughter time.

"Hey you..." Meredith smiled as she picked her baby up. "Mama has the bath water ready. Are you ready for a bath, little angel?" Meredith asked as she walked her over to the countertop and laid her down on the towel.

Meredith felt the bath water again and smiled. She knew it was just perfect for her little girl. She could tell temperatures fairly well, and she knew her daughter wasn't at risk for being burned. Meredith pulled Cassidy's onesie off and then her diaper. She knew that occasionally the baby would cry when Linda would bathe her. Meredith gave her a soft kiss before she lowered Cassidy's feet into the warm water. Meredith giggled when she watched her daughter kick the water happily.

"Is that good?" Meredith asked softly as she held her with once hand and grabbed the cut with the other. I height of the sink was perfect for Meredith because her baby bump got in the way everywhere else. "Look at you. You like it, don't you?" She asked as she held her slippery child and placed some baby silk on the tiny washcloth and began washing her baby's body. "Oh... That feels good, doesn't it?" Meredith asked as she rinsed the baby with the warm water.

"Oh... If I had known that you wanted Cassi to have a bath, I would have done it." Linda said as she walked into the kitchen. Meredith looked over at Linda out of the corner of her eye. She was getting irritated with Linda trying to take over. And she was going to say something.

"She's my baby." Meredith said frankly as she looked in her mother-in-law's eyes. She was angry. She was tired of the pushiness, whether it was intentional or not.

"Oh... Meredith... I know that." Linda said quickly as she looked into her eyes. "I didn't mean it that way. I just meant...If you needed me to do it, I am here." Linda pointed out with a smile as she looked at Meredith with her baby.

"She is my baby. And I feel like I never see her. I know that you are just trying to be helpful, mom. I know that. But I am here. I may be pregnant, but I feel fine. And I want a chance to get to know my daughter. Just because I didn't give birth to her doesn't mean that I love her any less. I feel like I barely know her." Meredith told Linda with a frown as she pulled Cassidy out of the water and wrapped her in her little pink robe.

"I'm sorry. I guess I over stepped my boundaries once again. I just... I like to see her. I like to spend time with her. I know she is yours... I just know that I will have to go back home and I will never see her." Linda told her with a smile as she looked into her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I'm just hormonal and moody." Meredith pointed out with a frown as she looked into her eyes. Meredith gently dried Cassidy off and laid her back down. She slathered the baby with lotion and blew raspberries on her stomach. "You like that, don't you?" Meredith asked the baby as she watched her wiggle and giggle loudly.

"Well, is there anything you need me to do?" Linda asked as she looked up at Meredith. Now she was being a bit condescending, not even intentionally.

"No, mom... You should just relax. This is a vacation of sorts for you." Meredith pointed out with a smile as she put a clean diaper on Cassidy. "Why don't you just rest? Since you have been here, you have been buzzing around like a crazy woman. Why don't you just do what I have been doing and sit? I insist. Go sit on that sofa and just take a moment to relax." Meredith said with a smile as she held her baby close. Cassidy stretched her neck and started looking around.

"Oh... Well... I guess." Linda said with a frown. She had always been a busy body and the thought of sitting on the sofa was enough to make her go insane.

Meredith knew that she and her mother-in law were one in the same. They were both active and always moving around. Meredith made a great surgeon because she had the energy to be doing something nonstop. She breezed through college and medical school because she had the stamina to keep up with the long hours. And Linda may not have been a surgeon, but she was a mom. And Meredith was learning a little something abut that.

Meredith grinned as she watched Linda sit down and hold the knitting needles. She knew that would never last. Maybe for a couple of hours and then she would be insane like Meredith was. Meredith kissed her baby's soft head and worked her way up the stairs. The stairs were starting to be a problem, but she would never admit it.

"Cassi... You are such a pretty girl. Just look at you." Meredith said with a smile as she looked into her baby's eyes. "Daddy is at work, but soon enough, he will be home and we're going to have so much fun. If mommy was ever going to go crazy, this would be the time. Yes it would!" Meredith explained as she aid her girl down in her crib and tickled her belly.

Meredith stayed with Cassidy until the baby drifted to sleep. She looked at the little girl in amazement. She was so tiny. She was right there. Meredith never thought she would have her own child and now she was going to have three. That would never cease to amaze her. Not ever.

"Mom! What are you doing?" Meredith asked in shock as she walked in and saw the woman cleaning up the mess from Cassidy's bath. "No! I am doing that. You need to go sit down."

"Meredith... You are the one that should be off of your feet." Linda pointed out as she looked at her stomach.

"I know my body. I am good. And you... You need to relax." Meredith explained as she watched the woman walk to the sofa that she was pointing at. "Geez... You never stop."

"Oh yes... And you do?" Linda asked with a chuckle as she disappeared back to her sofa. Meredith shook her head at the woman's sarcasm. She wasn't liking her special treatment when it was used on herself.

Meredith wiped the countertop dry and looked around. Linda had the house so clean there wasn't a speck of dust. The house was so clean that when Cassidy went outside and breathed in the sir, her body was going to be in shock. Meredith shook her head. She was not used to that. And she was sure that she never would be.

Meredith looked around in the refrigerator and grabbed a pint of strawberry cheesecake ice cream. She really wanted Derek's espresso chip, but she was sure there was caffeine in it. She had to laugh as she sat down with the pint and the spoon. She was sure that Ellis was hooked to a caffeine drip when she was pregnant with her.

As Meredith ate her ice cream, she smiled. She loved cheesecake and she loved ice cream. In her opinion, it was the perfect combination. She ate spoonful after spoonful of the mixture into her mouth with faint moans. Derek may not be giving her orgasms, but the ice cream was about as close as she would get. Just as she started to take another bite, she looked up at the door, seeing someone standing there.

"Oh... Someone is here." Meredith said as she walked over to the door. She looked at Linda, who was getting ready to stand. "Nope... You sit. I insist." Meredith said with a grin. Meredith rushed over to the door and opened it.

"Dr. Shepherd!" She heard the group of former interns shout as the door opened. "Congratulations!"

"Hey guys!" Meredith said with a smile. She looked down at herself, thanking god that she was halfway presentable and not looking like trash. Yesterday, if they had come, they would have seen and interesting display of food on the shirt and tangled hair. "Thanks so much!" Meredith replied as she accepted the hugs that were coming her way.

"How are you feeling?" Dina asked as she looked at Meredith's huge baby bump. She looked like if she stretched anymore, she would pop.

"I feel great." Meredith admitted as she have Danny Carter a hug. She watched as Linda sauntered over to them. "Guys... This is my Mother-in-law, Linda." She said with a grumble. "Mom, this is Danny, Kent, Justin and Dina. They were my interns last year." Meredith explained as she pointed each and every one out.

"It's nice to meet you." They all said in unison as they shook her hand.

"Would you like something to drink?" Linda asked as Meredith pulled them all inside.

"No, Mom... I told you. I have all if this now. you just sit." She told her as they walked father into the house.

"Well, Meredith... I'm sure they are here to see the baby. So would you like to get beverages, or your child?" Linda asked her frankly. Meredith didn't like the attitude.

"Oh... Cassi of course." Meredith agreed with a nod. "Please, make yourself at home. I'll be right back."

The group sat down on the sofa and chairs and looked around. Almost two years ago, the interns were calling her "resident bitch" and now they considered her a friend. They were in shock at the change of events that changed everything as far as Meredith was concerned. They all looked up as LInda returned with their drinks, and Meredith returned with a baby.

"Oh there she is!" Dina said with a smile as she stood up. "Oh, Dr. Shepherd, she is gorgeous." She told her as she rubbed the baby's cheek.

"Well, yeah... Just look at the genes." Danny pointed out as he stood up. They all gathered around the baby with grins on their faces. "Wow..."

"Yeah... I know." Meredith agreed with a nod as she looked down at her child. She handed the baby to Justin Weathers, who was being quiet, but she knew he was interested.

"She is a cute." Justin pointed out as stroked her cheek and started talking to her. They all looked at the intern, knowing he was a natural father.

"Man... That's just wrong." Kent laughed as he looked at Justin. Meredith laughed as Justin ignored him. It was what he had always done.

"That is what babies do to you. And if you are lucky... Someday you will have one of these little creatures." Meredith giggled as she looked down at the baby.

"So when are you due?" Kent asked as he looked at Meredith. Everyone was just waiting for her to lay down and push.

"Six weeks." Meredith told them with a smile as she rubbed her stomach. "Six long weeks."

"You will never last..." Danny said as he shook his head.

"I will too! Don't you tell me. I'm your boss." Meredith told them frankly. She loved being the boss of them.

"Not anymore." Justin replied with a grin. "Not anymore..."

"First of all, I am always your boss... Higher on seniority. But... I just may be your new Cardio attending when I come back." She said with a huge grin.

"No way! Yeah!" They said happily as they looked at her. Meredith smiled. She really was happy. All of the years of misery were worth it. Well worth it.

**Lack of reviews...It hurts my feelings. Maybe this is drying up??**


	175. Proud

Meredith watched the interns hold her baby. She loved to show her little girl off. They spent their days at home because Cassidy was so young, but eventually they would be out and about all of the time. Cassidy was the best baby, so calm and quiet as the passed her around like a little prize. She knew that her calm nature was acquired fro Kristy. Kristy was the type of person that was always light and soft. Meredith knew that she was the most equanimous person she ever knew. Although Cassidy had Meredith's blood running through her body, she knew that eight months of serenity did the little girl good.

She is amazing." Dina agreed as she stroked her cheek. "Huge. I can't get over how big she is."

"She is a little cow." Danny Carter pointed out as he gently grabbed one of her tireman fat rolls. "She doesn't have a roll. She has rolls." He laughed as he began pointing them out.

"Hey!" Meredith said with a smile. "That is my little girl there. And she is beautiful." Meredith told them all with a smile. She is perfect. Fat rolls and all."

"Derek was much bigger. Derek was so heavy that his father had to carry him around because I would get too tired." Linda chimed in as she looked up from her knitting needles.

"That is funny." Dina said with a smile as she looked up at the woman. "Dr. Shepherd was a heavy weight."

"He was. He was a chubby little guy until he got into kindergarten. After that, he started to even out. He loved to eat. And who can deny that face? I couldn't so another cookie it was." Linda told them all. Meredith was eating up the little tidbits that Linda was handing out about her son.

"So, cookies, hun? This were bran cookies, right?" Meredith asked with a giggle. Everyone knew about Derek's health food fetish. He would toss up his nose and shoo away anything greasy, meaning anything that tasted good.

"Yeah, right. Derek would eat anything I put in front of him. The girls were horrible. I couldn't get Nancy to eat anything but candy. But Derek, he had it all. Cookies, candies, anything. I never had to worry about feeding that boy." Linda told her with a smile.

"Well, we see where these rolls come from, I doubt Meredith was like that." Kent pointed out as he looked at the typically slender woman before him.

"So when did he change, mom?" Meredith asked with a smile as she accepted her baby in her arms and looked up at her mother-in-law.

"Oh... I would say he stopped eating the junk in about second grade. There was a girl. Allison was her name. He loved her. She was cute. Her father was a health nut, and she said she would never go with someone that didn't eat healthy. Mind you, Derek was seven years old. But he took it to heart. It just stuck, even after his thoughts of Allison were gone in six months." Linda explained as she looked up.

"Of course. Shepherd is a ladies man... Onto the next." Danny said with a chuckle. Meredith looked up at him in shock and growled.

"This is my husband you are talking about!" Meredith snapped as she looked at them all. She was feeling hormonal and she knew they didn't mean to get her upset.

"Oh, Meredith... Derek only has eyes for you. This is the man that pined for fourteen years! What more can you ask for? There is, was, and will always be only one woman for that man. He is totally and utterly in love with you." Linda told her with a smile as she looked at her.

"He is..." Dina agreed, as she thought about it. She had never seen him look at another woman. His eyes were always on Meredith. And when Meredith was with Adrien, he was in a permanent funk. Not to mention, she knew they were having an affair, and while she was personally against it, with them it was different.

"Yeah... We screw around, but I think we all know that Shepherd is delusional. He only wants one woman. Stupid bastard!" Danny joked as he looked at her. Meredith shook her head and smiled. They were so right.

"Well... We should get going. The baby looks like she is a little tired." Justin pointed out as he watched her blue eyes disappear behind her tiny eyelids.

"She is... " Meredith agreed as she held her baby. "And I can't put her down."

"I can see that... She is so sweet." Dina pointed out as she stroked her cheek

"Oh... No. Not because she is sweet. And she is sweet. Because I can't get up." Meredith pointed out as she looked at the baby and her large stomach.

"Oh!" They all said with a laugh. Linda smiled as she rushed over at grabbed Cassidy from Meredith's arms.

"I will take her." Linda said with a smile as grabbed the baby and stood there. "It was nice meeting you all." Linda said with a smile as she walked away, carrying the baby upstairs.

"You too." They agreed with a smile as they all stood up. "Well, we should be going." They told Meredith with a smile as she looked up at them and smiled.

"Well, thank you for coming." Meredith said with a smile as she sat there. There was no use, she couldn't get up. "I would show you out, but at the moment, I can't." Meredith said with a giggle as she looked at them.

"We can show ourselves out." Kent said with a smile as he walked towards the door. "See you later..."

"Bye." Meredith said with a smile as she watched them leave.

Meredith laid her head back and sighed. She needed a break. She had been complaining about not getting out and not doing anything and now she was exhausted. Meredith rotated her body and laid her back on the sofa. Her back was getting sore from carrying the extra weight around.

Meredith would never admit that she was sore. She didn't want Derek to know that she was having back pain. She knew that it wasn't from her back, just from the extra strain. It wasn't anything major, just something that extra rest would cover just fine. She pulled he throw off of the back of the sofa and closed her eyes. Just as she began to nod off, she she heard the garage door open.

"I'm home..." Derek said loudly as he walked in. He looked at Meredith, who looked so peaceful laying on the sofa.

"Hmm... How was your day?" Meredith asked as she rolled to her side and looked up at him. Derek looked at her face. He could tell that she was uncomfortable. He could see the look on her face.

"It was good. And how are you?" Derek questioned as he walked over and leaned down, kissing her softly. "You look tired..."

"Dina, Justin, Kent and Danny were here to see Cassidy." Meredith explained as she closed her eyes. "I am just so tired." Meredith explained as she looked into his eyes and then closed her own.

"I'm going to get you some juice." Derek told her with a smile as he pecked a kiss on her head. "You need some energy."

"Thank you, Derek." Meredith muttered as she laid there and pulled the blanket up over her shoulders. Derek rushed into the kitchen and poured her a glass of orange juice.

"Here you go, baby." Derek told her as helped her sit up to take a sip of her juice. Meredith sat up and took a long sip before she sat the glass back down on the table. "I think we need to get serious about getting some cribs." Derek said with a chuckle. They had been so busy with Cassidy, they once again forget their responsibilities to the other children that were on their way.

"Yes... But- Maybe you and mom could go?" Meredith asked as she looked at him. "I'm a little tired..." She admitted as she looked at him. Derek frowned, she was now admitting she was tired. That meant she was exhausted.

"Okay... But I really don't don't want to leave you. Not if you are tired, Mer. I don't want to leave you if you aren't feeling good." Derek told her as he lifted her legs and sat down, placing them over his lap.

"No, Derek... I needs to be done." Meredith told him as she looked up. "I'm just tired. Really tired. I was up and moving a lot today. I gave Cass a bath. I guess I didn't realize how much it was until it was too late." She mused as she closed her eyes.

"Do you feel okay, Mer? Are you having Braxton Hicks?" He asked, expecting a lie from her. He was expecting that she would brush it off as she always did. He had learned that he had to expect that she was about half as bad more than what she would ever admit.

"No... I haven't had any Braxton hicks." Meredith told him frankly. As he looked into her eyes, he could see that she was not lying. "And I know that I don't want my babies to have to sleep on the floor." Meredith whimpered as she looked at him.

"Our babies won't have to sleep in the floor. Maybe... We could always ... I will call they store. We can have them deliver two cribs the same as we already have. What do you think about that?" Derek asked with a smile, not wanting to leave her, and yet, knowing he had to please her.

"That's good, Derek. That would be perfect." Meredith admitted as she looked at him and closed her eyes. "If they are going to share a nursery, it should all match." She told him with a smile.

"So now we are back to sharing a nursery?" Derek asked as he looked down at her. Before they needed their own, and now they needed to be together. He had to laugh, her hormones were taking her all over the place.

"Yeah... No... I don't know. We don't have nurseries ready, and we can't run from room to room to room." Meredith said with a yawn. "Whatever you want it fine." She told him as she closed her eyes and nodded.

"Okay... You rest, baby. You need your rest." Derek told her as he rubbed her legs and listened to her drift off to sleep. Derek pulled out his phone. He needed to call. He knew it wouldn't be too long before they had two more.

Derek sat in the great room. Meredith had moved herself up to the bedroom to get some rest. He had shut the blinds and made the room dark. She needed to rest, and if she was willing, he would let her. He was so glad that she was finally getting it through her head that she couldn't do just anything and everything.

"Is everything okay, Derek?" Linda asked as she looked at her son and sat down in the chair.

"I am waiting for the guys from the store to deliver the cribs." Derek explained as he flipped the pages of the current JAMA. "I didn't want to go out an leave her today. She is just too tired. I'm not saying that you aren't doing a good job, I just-"

"She is your wife." Linda agreed with a smile. "So what time are they supposed to be here?" Linda asked with a smile.

"Some time within the next couple of hours. I had a hell of a time getting them to come at all today." Derek explained. "But I think... She seems close, mom. She seems really close."

"I think she is closer than she cares to admit. But I also think she is going to hold onto them for awhile yet." Linda told him with a nod and a smile. "She has some time. I watch her. She isn't having any signs." Linda told him with a smile. "Don't you worry about that, Derek."

"Yeah." Derek said with a nod. "I just... This is huge. And she needs to be okay. I want to be her for her."

"You will be, Derek. Everything is going to be great." Linda told him with a smile. "And I think I am going to make pizza for dinner. Meredith's favorite, with banana peppers." Linda said with a giggle. meredith had been eating them a jar at a time.

"Sounds good. I need to do something." Derek told her as he tossed the magazine on the table and jumped up. Derek walked out into the garage. He felt like he needed to do something to get ready for the babies that were to come.

Derek walked into the garage and grabbed the first car seat out of the box. He examined it. He had become quite used to working his way around them. He opened up the back door of Meredith's Volvo. Her car was simple, although he was worried that she would have a hard time getting to the baby in the center seat. He was also worried that when they got older, they would beat each other up. Derek put the seats in with the LATCH system and smiled. Too easy.

Derek grabbed out the other seats and walked over to his Denali. He loved it car. He knew it wasn't the best on gas, but for him, it was a great car. He opened up the back door and placed the seat in the center. He couldn't wait to drive his wife and three kids around. Just as he went to put the last seat in, he frowned. There was no LATCH system in the last seat. He looked at it over and over again.

"What the hell?" Derek grumbled as he looked. He couldn't have one baby seat that needed a a seatbelt. That didn't seem right to him. He didn't think it was as safe, and he couldn't imagine getting in an accident. He couldn't imagine one baby hurt because of something so foolish. He quickly took the seats out and walked in the house.

"Mom... Will you stay here while I go out?" Derek asked as he looked at her. Now he was in a rush. Now he had something to do.

"Of course... But where are you going?" Linda asked, knowing a few minutes ago he wasn't going anywhere. "Is everything okay?"

"No... I have to go get a new car." He grumbled as he looked at her. "The LATCH system is no good in that one. I have to get something else." He told her frankly.

"What?" Linda asked in shock as he looked at her. "You do realize that normal people can't just walk out and buy new cars because the car seat doesn't work, right?" She asked in shock as she looked at him.

"Of course I realize that." Derek told her with a nod. "And I am very fortunate to have what I have. I have worked hard to get this all, and I want my wife and children safe. Is that a crime?" He asked her with a nod

"No... And I know that you have a firm grasp on reality. I just... Don't ever forget it, okay, son?" Linda asked with a smile as she mixed the dough for their dinner.

"I won't mom. You know that. I just... Meredith means so much to me. I almost lost her once. And I will kill myself to keep her safe. And they same goes with our children. And to have once belted in differently is not an options to me." He told her with a smile. "Plus, the newer ones are more fuel efficient." He told her with a nod. "I'm just going to take a look. We have Mer's car.. But I need to figure something out." He told her as he grabbed his keys.

"I understand. We will be fine here." Linda said with a nod. She watched as Derek trotted off. He was a wonderful husband and father. He cared so much. She was proud to raise a son that was as wonderful as he was. And she knew his father was proud too.


	176. Desired

Derek climbed behind the wheel of his new car. He was satisfied with his new purchase not only for the looks and driving ability, but the peace of mind that his family was safe. As he drove along, he wondered if Meredith was awake and whether she had killed Linda yet. Derek knew that Linda was driving her crazy, but he also knew that she would need Linda's help very soon.

"Mom... I'm home." Derek shouted as he tossed his keys on the table. He knew that it went through Meredith like a knife as they clanged and scratched the surface.

"Oh... Dinner is almost done." Linda shouted from the kitchen where she was tossing a salad around in the bowl. "Did you get a car?" She asked loudly, quieting down as he walked in.

"I did. The same thing I had. Newer. Better on gas. It has the slit seats in the middle with the LATCH system." Derek explained with a big grin.

"That's wonderful, son. Maybe after dinner we can go out and look at it?" Linda asked as she pulled the pizza out of the oven and placed it in the countertop/

"That would be great, mom... " Derek said as he sniffed the pizza and looked down at it with a smile. "Did they bring the cribs?" Derek asked as he looked around.

"They did and they are up in the spare bedroom. They didn't put them together, I guess that is up to you." Linda announced as she fanned the pizza and looked at it. She knew how much Derek loved it, and it was one of the only unhealthy things she made that he would eat. "I had to get Cass back to sleep, it took me forty minutes. They were so loud."

"Meredith didn't wake up?" Derek asked in shock. She was a deep sleeper, but she wasn't that deep. Especially in the middle of the day.

"No... No she didn't." Linda told him as she buzzed around the kitchen, getting things ready as the pizza cooled. Derek looked at her in shock.

"You didn't check on her?" Derek asked in shock. He couldn't believe that Linda never looked in on Meredith. "Mom... Way to care." Derek grumbled as he walked away.

Derek walked into their bedroom and looked around. It was dark and quiet. She was snoring faintly, but she looked peaceful. Derek walked up to the bed and sat down. Derek rubbed her cheek softly, feeling it's warmth on his hand. Meredith stirred softly but didn't get up. Derek gently stroked her hair, he wanted getting up to be her idea.

"Sleep now..." Meredith moaned as she opened her eyes and looked up. Derek smiled softly looked into her eyes.

"Hon... You need to get up. Mom made pizza with banana peppers for you." Derek told her as he leaned down and kissed her softly.

"Mmm... Sounds good. But I am so tired..." Meredith moaned as she closed her eyes and tucked her hands under her head.

"Baby... You need to eat. Why are you so tired?" Derek asked as he leaned down and pecked kisses on her neck. "Are you having contractions?" He asked with concern as he looked at her.

"No...Oh god, no." Meredith said with a nod. "I'm just really tired, baby. Did they deliver the cribs?" She asked as she sat up. Derek chuckled at the red imprint on the side of her face from laying in the same spot for so long.

"They did. And apparently they were as loud as an army of men walking in." Derek told her with a smile as he rubbed her cheek. "And you didn't even wake up."

"I never even heard them. I hope... Would I wake up if mom wasn't here? Would I even be able to wake up if Cassidy was crying for me?" Meredith said as she looked at him with concern. She started to whimper softly as she looked into her eyes.

"Oh, Mer... You would wake up. You are do tired, baby. You have two kids killing you on the inside and one sucking the life out of you." Derek told her with a smile. "You are just too tired. It's okay."

"I just... I want to be a good mom. And your mom is taking over. I just want to be a good mom, Derek..." Meredith cried as she fell against his chest. Derek held her head against him as he rubbed her head. She was hormonal and tired. Her emotions were al over the place.

"You are, Mer... You are a good mom. In fact, I bet Cass wants to see you." Derek told her with a smile as he looked at her and kissed her forehead. "Why don't you go give her a kiss and then you can fill your stomach?"

"Sounds good." Meredith agreed as she stood up. "Oh! Oh!" She cried as she waddled to the bathroom as quickly as she could.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked as he chased after her. "Mer... Are you okay?" He asked against.

"Pee...I have to pee!" Meredith shouted as she sat down quickly. Derek laughed as he watched her sit there and role her eyes, waiting to go. "God... This is so unfair. But baby... You don't have long." Derek told her with a smile.

Meredith wasn't sure that Derek was right. She was feeling like she would have her rotten children inside of her uterus forever. She wasn't feeling any braxton hicks, no changes. She was feeling like she had the whole time. She was a fish tank and her children were swimming around having a good time while she attempted to keep the water in.

"I'm thinking I will be pregnant forever." Meredith said with a frown as she looked down at her stomach. Derek smiled as rubbed her stomach. "Why don't we look at our amazing girl?"

"That sounds like a good idea." Derek agreed as they walked to the nursery. He couldn't wait to get a peek at his daughter. They walked in and looked down at their sleeping daughter, so happy to see her sleeping peacefully.

"She is so gorgeous..." Meredith said with a smile as she opened her eyes and looked up at her parents. "Hey, sweetie. Look at my girl!"

"Look at that smile. Look at you!" Derek told her as he tickled her chin. "Such a good girl." Derek whispered as he leaned down and picked her up. "Is the girl hungry?"

"The girl is always hungry." Meredith agreed as she grabbed the baby from his arms. "Who don't we eat, and then maybe mommy can eat?" Meredith asked with a smile as she looked up at Derek.

"I will go down and let mom know you are coming." Derek told her with a smile as he walked away. Meredith sighed as she sat down in the chair. Nursing a baby with such a large baby bump was getting harder and harder to do.

"Not long, Cass... Not long. Soon enough you will have a brother or sister, both or two or each. Either way, mommy's big belly will be out of your way." Meredith giggled as she stroked the baby's head. She loved it when he baby nursed. It made her feel good. She felt like she had a purpose. She waited until her girl released her grip and pulled away as Meredith kissed her. Meredith sat her baby down in her crib and walked out.

"There you are! Did you have a nice rest?" Linda asked with a smile as she placed the pizza pan down on the table.

"Oh... I really needed it." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up. "I was so tired. I think my body is just exhausted..." Meredith told her with a smile as she grabbed a soda.

"You do need your rest. Growing two babies is no easy task." LInda told her with a smile as she looked at her. "I haven't been there, but I can only imagine how you are feeling." Linda told her with a smile.

"I actually feel really great." Meredith told her with a smile. "And this pizza smells great. I am so hungry." She told her as she took her seat at the table. Meredith struggled to get close to the table and reach for her food.

"I think we need a custom table for you, Mer." Derek laughed as he looked down at her. Her bump was pressed tightly against the table as she reached. "Maybe with a stomach cut-out." He joked as he looked.

"You are an ass!" Meredith spat as she grabbed her pizza with banana peppers and onions.

"You are, Derek Michael! That was mean! This woman is carrying your children, have some respect." She told him with a frown. He looked up at her and smiled, and then over at Meredith, shaking his head.

"I was kidding, honey. You know that." Derek told her as he looked over. Meredith nodded and took a bite of her pizza. Derek watched as the cheese slid all over. She was a beast. She was eating like a ravenous animal in the street.

"So what did you do while I was asleep?" Meredith questioned as she looked over the table at him. She was feeling a bit spiteful and full of mischief. "Did you sit on your ass all day, dear?" Meredith asked with a smirk.

"I'll have you know, I went out and bought a new car today." Derek told her with a nod and a smile. He watched as Meredith looked at him in shock.

"A car? Derek, you don't need a new car!" Meredith snapped as she looked over at him. She couldn't believe he did that without asking. It wasn't that they didn't have the money to get it, it was that she felt like she wasn't even in on his decision.

"We needed a new car. The seats were not safe for the babies. The LATCH system was ass-backwards. I traded in the 2004 and got a new Yukon Denali XL. Completely loaded, with bucket seats in the back." Derek explained with a smile. "Plus it has a five star crash rating. We needed it." Derek told her with a nod.

"If you think we needed it, then we needed it." Meredith said with a nod and a smile. "Do you like it? I mean, you got the same thing that you had before." She said with a giggle.

"Oh no... This is so much better." He told her with a smile. Meredith shook her head. Her husband was such a fool. But she would love him anyway.

"Derek! Hey, Derek..." Meredith whispered loudly into his ear. "Hey... You awake?" She asked loudly.

"Mmm... Hmm?" Derek grumbled as he opened his eyes and looked at her. "What? Is everything okay?" Derek asked with concern, thinking it could be something wrong with Cassidy.

"Everything is fine... It's just... I'm horny." She told him with a smile as she looked over at him with a cheesy grin. "It won't be long until we can't. And I- I can't sleep and I think I need you, Der... I really need you. I need you inside of me. Show me what that big cock of yours can do." Meredith said with a grin as she ran her hand over his chest and abdomen, moving down to his flaccid cock.

"Oh..." Derek groaned as he felt her sweet hand touch him. HIs body's reaction was nearly instantaneous. "Oh god... Mer... You are so sweet." He moaned as she slid her hand underneath the band of his pajama pants and rubbed him softly. "Fuck, babe... Let's...yeah..." Derek sighed as she massaged his balls gently. "God you are hot..."

"Hot? Yeah..." Meredith muttered softly with undertones of sarcasm. "Let's just... God, I think I need you right now." She moaned as she pumped his cock quickly.

"Get naked, baby." Derek told her with a nod as he pulled her hand away and slipped out of his pajama pants. "I want to see your sexy body..."

"Derek... It's not nice to patronize me!" Meredith said as she slipped her shirt over her head and looked into his blue eyes. She quickly pulled off the remainder of her clothing and smiled.

"You are so sexy, it's not even a joke. You are...Amazing." Derek told her as he Leaned up and pulled his shirt over his head. Their eyes never disconnected as they stared at each other, boring holes into their souls.

"Well... I am huge with baby." Meredith explained with a frown. "Even if you say it, I don't feel sexy anymore." She told him sadly.

"Oh... You are sexy. You are so sexy." Derek explained as he leaned over and kissed her neck gently. She moved her head away and moaned as he pecked soft kisses on her flesh. Meredith rolled to her side and faced away from him. "So unbelievably sexy..." He repeated as he ran his hands over her abdomen and over her swollen breasts. He felt their fullness, she needed to nurse Cassidy.

"Wow... If that isn't hard... I don't know what is!" She giggled as she felt Derek's hardened cock press against her as he leaned against her.

"Hard for you, and you only." He told her as he ran his hands down her breasts, over her baby bump and ran them between her legs. Meredith parted her legs gently as he reached around and gently rubbed her slit.

"Oh god... I need you, Derek." Meredith told him with a deep moan. "I am so wet for you."

"Not as much as I need you, baby." Derek told her as he stroked her clitoris gently and rubbed his cock against her ass. "I need to feel you around me..."

"Oh god... Yes, Derek. Yes." She agreed with a nod as he sucked on the flesh of her back. Meredith scooted back as Derek helped spread her legs and pushed thick rod into her wet core. Meredith parted her legs and leaned forward as she sank deep down. "Oh..." She moaned as she felt his thick mass fill her walls. "Oh yeah..."

"Oh god, Mer... You are ready." Derek nodded, feeling her wetness around him. Meredith ran her hands behind her and rubbed Derek's flesh.

"We have to... Uh... Be quiet." She told him as she rocked gently on his cock, manipulating him in just the right way. "Your mom... She could... Oh god... She could... Hear us! She hears everything. She is everywhere!" Meredith told him as she felt him slide in and out. "I swear you have... Fuck you are big... Super cock. Oh yes... There it is!"

"No, babe... You are tight. Tight twat." Derek groaned as he sucked hard on her flesh and licked it gently. "I'm going to fuck you harder, baby! I'm gonna fill you... Oh fuck..." Derek told her as he thrust upward into her as hard as he could. "Oh yeah...Oh yeah... That's it!" Derek shouted as he felt her spread farther for him.

Meredith felt her body already tensing up as Derek pushed and pulled. She felt him suck and lick her back as he pounded hard into her tiny wet core. She let out of pants as she felt herself getting near her own climax. She needed him deeper. She needed him so badly it hurt. It was a strong need for the love that he gave. He rode her harder and faster, hearing his loud moans and grunts as he felt himself almost there.

"Oh god! Oh god!" Meredith shouted loudly as she felt herself completely tight, waiting for the flooding release of cum and hard contractions. Derek held her belly as he rammed her harder and harder. He could feel her walls tight around his hard manhood. "Oh...Oh...OH! Oh god... Yes!" She cried out as she felt herself go into hard contractions, her uterus and vagina pulsating as Derek sprayed her walls with his essence, filling her to the brim.

"Oh god, Mer..." Derek groaned as he laid his head down on the pillow. "You- That was good... Thank you. Thank you..."

"No, Derek... Oh... Thank you. I just... I needed to feel desired." She told him as she laid there, connected to him.

"You are desired." Derek whispered in her ear. "Always."


	177. Coming Fast

Meredith laid on the sofa. It seemed to be her new spot. She never left that spot. It was her comfortable place. It was just cushy enough to relieve the pressure off of her spots. She had been laying around so much she had to have cushy. She looked up at Derek, he needed to go. He had to go to work. He was already running late for surgery and he needed to get out of the house and out of her hair.

"Derek... You are going to be late!" Meredith said in a huff as she looked up. She had to get rid of him. He was like a little kid needing more of her attention than Cassidy did.

"I know... I know... But I won't leave you you aren't okay." Derek told her with a smile as he bent down next to her. "I need you to be okay." He said softly her as he stroked her cheek.

"I am fine. I feel great. My feet are just killing me. You are fine to go to work." Meredith replied as she leaned forward and kissed him softly. Derek smiled as he felt his lips press against hers so softly.

"Only if you are sure... And I don't have to be gone all day. I could stay here with you." Derek explained as he rose to his feet. "I can come home in the middle of the day if you need me to." He told her with a smile.

"No... Derek, I am good. Really good." She told him firmly as she turned on the t.v. "You go. And maybe I can convince mom to bring Cass to the hospital. You and mom can have a good lunch. You can parade our daughter around. And Aaron will be here. Everything will be good." Meredith told him with a smile.

"Yeah... We will see about that." Derek said with a chuckle. He didn't like the idea of he or his mother away from her. He knew Meredith well enough to know that she was trouble when she was left on her own.

"Oh, come on, Derek. You owe me. I have two of your rotten monsters inside of me. I deserve some free time away from her. If you love me, you will save me." Meredith coerced as she looked at him. She had to smile as he stood there with her favorite Hawes and Curtis blue and brown striped shirt on. It was one that she had gotten him for his birthday. It set of his eyes, making them pop brightly.

"Oh... I see, put it that way. Try to force me." Derek laughed as he grabbed his tie and leaned down to kiss her. Meredith smiled knowingly. She was fairly certain that she was getting her way.

"Oh... Derek, you are going to work?" Linda asked as she walked in. Meredith's eyes got wide as she looked over. Her mother in law wasn't going to ruin this for her. No way.

"I am. Meredith is insistent." Derek explained as he threw it off on his unsuspecting wife. Meredith glared at him with her tired eyes as he stood there. She thought about picking up the white and red vase that she had purchased from the museum store and tossing it at her husband. It would be a waste of fine artwork, but it may be worth it.

"Oh, Meredith... You will want your husband here if something happens to you." Linda warned her as she looked at the pregnant woman. As Meredith sat there, she swore her stomach was laying on the sofa. She could feel the cool leather on her warm stomach.

"I am fine! Why can't you people just give me some peace!" Meredith growled as she went to stand up. Her mind was moving faster than her body and she fell back down. Derek looked down at her with a smile. "Don't!" Meredith shouted as she smacked his hand away. "Stay away from me, you ass!" Meredith growled as she finally pulled herself up and waddled away.

"Well if she isn't testy... I don't know what is!" Linda pointed out with a frown as she looked up. "That girl... And I though Kathleen was hormonal. That girl brings a new meaning..."

"Mom! Leave her be... My god! You are on her non-stop. She is a tired woman who is carrying twins. And you... I know you are trying to be nice. I know that. You are pushing it way too far. She needs a break. She needs a huge break. Just... Why don't you join me for lunch. Cass can come along. That will give Mer a little bit of time. She just... You are too nice, Mom. And you have no idea. You can't see it." Derek told her as he cocked his head. "I'm going to work. Please leave her alone for awhile. And I am expecting you and my very cute, very well dressed daughter to meet me for lunch at Seattle Grace."

"Fine." Linda said simply as he son turned and walked away. It made her mad. She knew what it was like. She didn't want Meredith pushing it to the edge. She knew Meredith's history of going too far. She would push herself to the limits and beyond. "Just fine..." She grumbled to herself.

Linda walked into the kitchen and looked around. He had the house so clean she wasn't even sure what else to do. She contemplated going outside and working in the flower beds, but she knew they had a gardener that was coming once a week. She shook her head at the way things were being done. She was sure they would hire a nanny. She was disgusted that her son couldn't mow his own lawn. She knew they were busy, but she didn't want them to lose touch with reality.

"Meredith, dear..." Linda muttered as she walked into the great room. After Derek left, she waddled back to her favorite spot and laid down. She was snuggled up in her Cashmere throw from Hammacher Schlemmer. She swore that every time the soft fabric touched her skin, she was immediately put to sleep.

"Hmm?" Meredith asked as she looked up at her mother in law. At the moment, she wasn't wanting to spear her. That didn't mean she wouldn't want to later.

"Cass and I are going to Seattle Grace to meet Derek fro lunch. Do you think you could nurse her first?" Linda asked as she looked down at Meredith. Meredith felt horrible. She was so tired, she never got to see her daughter. She was feeling like a failure.

"Of course I can!" Meredith said happily as she looked at the woman. She wanted to do anything she could for Cassidy. The little girl was the love of her life. "Hey baby..." Meredith said softly as lifted her shirt and opened her maternity bra. "Hey..." Meredith whimpered as she looked at the little baby. "Oh..." She muttered as she began to cry.

"Mer, honey?" Linda asked as she looked at her daughter in law. "Are you okay?" Linda asked as she sat down next to her. "Oh, dear... Calm down."

"I'm a failure! I'm such a... What was I thinking? I can't do this. I can't take it. I don't know what I was thinking. This is all too much and Cass gets the shaft. She doesn't even know me because I am too damn tired to know her. She nurses and leaves. She doesn't know me, and it's my fault!" Meredith cried as she looked at down at her daughter.

"Oh, honey... That is not true! She knows who her mama is." Linda told her as she rubbed her back. Meredith's eyes got wide as she sat there. She was having a light contraction. It was braxton hicks, she was sure. It wasn't the first, but she knew it was normal to have them for quite awhile before the birth. "Are you okay?"

"Oh... Yes..." Meredith said as she stopped whimpering. "I'm good." Meredith told her with a nod. "I'm okay."

"Okay." Linda said as she rubbed Meredith's leg gently. "Is there anything I can get you before I go?" Linda asked with a smile as she looked into her eyes.

"No. I think I am good. I can get up if I have to. I will be fine, Mom. Aaron is upstairs, it's not like I am alone. I will be okay. Please, go have your lunch with Derek. You never come to town and you need to have some quality time with your son. You both deserve it. And everyone at Seattle Grace wants to see Cass. Just try to go and not worry, okay?" Meredith asked as she kissed her baby on the head. "Look at how beautiful grandma made you look!" Meredith stated as she looked at her.

"She doesn't need much to look beautiful, she looks just like her mama." Linda said as she rubbed the baby's tiny arm. "Okay... We're going to go, only if you are sure."

"Go, mom." Meredith said with a smile. "Are you taking my car?" Meredith asked, knowing that she wanted her baby to be safe. "It needs to be driven anyhow."

"That was what I was planning." Linda told her as she grasped the baby softly. "We are going to have such a good time!"

"Have fun, mom." Meredith told her with a smile. Meredith watched as Linda walked away with her child in her arms. It broke her heart to see her go, but at the same time, she was so used to seeing her child leave her arms. She felt the like bond they were supposed to have was gone. Meredith sat back as she felt a ripple through her abdomen. She shook her head and laid down. She was still tired. Always tired.

Meredith woke up from her sleep. She wasn't sure how long she had slept but she was feeling disoriented. She slowly sat up and looked around, remembering that she was alone and Linda and Derek had gone to lunch. She looked down at her own stomach and realized that she too needed lunch. Ham. She wanted ham.

"Meredith... I think you are hungry. And being with mom so much, now you are talking to yourself. You're crazy, you know that?" Meredith asked herself as she struggled to stand up. Meredith slowly waddled to the kitchen and looked around. She felt great in her house making her own decisions. She opened the refrigerator and grabbed out the deli ham and the bread. Just as she reached to put it on the counter, she heard a whoosh. "Fuck!" She spat as she looked down.

Meredith felt pain rip through her stomach. She couldn't even stand up. She had to get off of her feet. She fell to the floor in her own fluid and laid her head back. She couldn't stop it. It felt so fast. One minute she was fine and the next she wasn't. Teh contractions were ripping her apart.

"Aaron! Oh god... Oh god..." She cried as she felt herself trying to push. "Aaron! Please...Help." She cried out as she panted heavily.

"Ma'am?" Aaron yelled as he rushed down, not seeing her anywhere. "Where are you?" He asked as he rushed around. As he made it around the island countertop, looked down at the floor in shock.

"They're coming... They are coming fast." Meredith said as she looked up at him. "911... Towels... Oh god... Oh god." Meredith sobbed as she laid there. "You need to...look...oh god, look!" She yelled as she laid there. "Take off my pasts. They are... Oh god!" Meredith cried out as she struggled to get her pants off. Aaron rushed around the house and grabbed the phone. "Call Addison."

"Oh my god, Dr. Grey... I see a head!" Aaron said in shock as he looked at her. They were coming and they were coming fast.

As Linda walked into the hospital with the carrier, everyone flocked around. It seemed that babies were magnets anyhow. Everyone was draw to a tiny human being who was so innocent and fresh. People could tell that Linda Shepherd was Derek's mother. She looked just like him and she carried the same air and blue eyes. As Linda walked through, she was stopped by a mob of nurses.

"Is that Derek Shepherd's?" They ask as they look down at the sweet little girl being carried by her proud grandmother. Linda had gained a dislike for nurses. She knew that most were there just to meet a rich doctor. And she knew that Derek was tempted daily by the women throwing themselves that them.

"Yes, and Meredith Grey-Shepherd's. This is _her_ daughter." Linda told her with a smile. "And she is so close to having the twins."

"Oh, she is beautiful. She looks just like her dad." They said as they touched her cheek gently. "Oh... OH! She is waking up. Look at those eyes." They said quickly. "They look just like Dr. Shepherd's."

"Well, home wreckers... I mean, ladies, we should be going now." Linda chided as she walked away, never looking back at the group. Linda had a great deal of respect for Meredith, and she didn't want to see the nurses think they even had a chance.

"Mrs. Shepherd!" Miranda said quickly as she jogged up. Linda smiled at the woman's short legs moving quickly towards her. "Is that the little girl?" Miranda asked with a smile. The woman who rarely went soft, turned into a puddle of goo at the sight of the little girl.

"This is Cassidy Bella." Linda told her with a smile as she sat the carrier down on a chair. Miranda immediately lifted the baby out of the carrier and held her close.

"Wow, she is a heavy little thing!" Miranda pointed out. "I bet Ms. Samson thanked god that it was a cesarean birth." Miranda joked as she looked into the baby's bright blue eyes.

"I can imagine so." Linda agreed as she stood there. "Have you seen my son anywhere?" She asked as she looked around, expecting him to be coming near.

"I think he was headed down to the cafeteria." Miranda explained as she nodded in the direction the woman would need to be going to. "He has been talking about lunch with is daughter all day. Quite frankly, I think the interns are getting sick. Not that it is a bad thing. We like to torture interns here." Miranda pointed out with a nod and a smile.

"I'm sure you do." Linda agreed as she looked at the woman holding the baby. Miranda seemed like a natural mother, despite what everyone seemed to say.

"Well, I'm sure you should be going. Tell Meredith I hope she feels well. And tell her to relax. i know that fool of a girl finds that nearly impossible." Miranda said with a chuckle as she laid Cassidy down and looked up. "It was nice seeing you." She told Linda as she walked away.

Linda walked quickly and purposefully trying to avoid eye contact. Anytime she looked up, someone gathered around. She just wanted to get downstairs and avoid anyone else touching her granddaughter. She was just a tiny baby and Linda wanted to avoid any unnecessary germs and illness. As she made it down to the cafeteria and immediately spotted her son in the corner by himself.

"There is my girl!" Derek said happily as he looked up at his daughter. "And hello, mom." Derek chuckled as he looked at the woman. "I got you a turkey club. I know you like that. And it is one thing the hospital makes well. How is my little girl?" Derek asked as he scooped her up and pulled her close.

"She was looking forward to seeing her daddy." Linda pointed out as she looked at him holding his daughter. "And Meredith seemed pretty good when I left her. She was tired, but the girl has every right to be." Linda told him with a nod.

"That is good. I think she just needed to be alone for awhile. Meredith is like that. She hated being cared for too much. She just wants to have her own time. I think everyone needs some time to themselves. She has been stuck in the house for ever." Derek explained as he cooed to his daughter.

"Yes... I think you are right about that. I swear to you, she was cutting yesterday." Linda said as she shook her head. "I mean things... Foodstuffs. She had a scalpel in her hand."

"I can see that from Meredith." Derek chuckled as he looked up at her. "I really can see that."

"She won't be cutting for a long time." Linda explained. "But I think she has just a short while before she is pushing two babies into the world." Linda told him with a nod. "She was looking rather soft this morning." She said with a nod. "I am thinking it is closer than we think."

"Really?" Derek asked with a look of excitement on his face. He couldn't wait. He couldn't wait until he had his children. He couldn't wait until he could see the love of his life giving birth to their children. Too bad he didn't realize just how close that was to happening.


	178. Perfect Family

Meredith was in a panic. It was her first time giving birth and she was all alone. She didn't have Derek with her. She didn't have anyone who knew or cared about her. As she laid there, she began to cry. Of course it had to happen this way. Of course she had to go into labor when no one was around but the carpenter. Meredith sobbed hard as she looked up at Aaron. Aaron looked at her with a frown. He felt so bad that she was in this position. She didn't deserve this.

"You have to... Ah... Ah... Cellphone! Get my phone. Counter. Table. Get it!" Meredith screamed as she laid there panting heavily. "Addison. Call Addicon. She needs to know." Meredith cried as she pushed hard.

"I need to call 911!" Aaron told her as he knelt there next to her. He watched as she threw her head, saying no. She motioned to her phone and began to cry. Aaron nodded and found the name Addison in the list.

"Hello?" Addison said quickly. He could tell that whoever this mystery woman was, she was busy. "Meredith?"

"This is... I am calling for Meredith Grey. She is- She's in labor. At the house." Aaron spat out as he looked at her. He could tell that Meredith was in a great deal of pain as she moaned loudly.

"In labor! Get her to the hospital!" Addison said with a frown as she stood there in shock. She didn't understand why the man was sitting there with Meredith instead of getting help.

"I- We can't. She is- The baby is there. I can see the head!" Aaron said nervously. "Meredith says she is ready. She can't stop. She is pushing!" Aaron told her quickly.

"Have you ever seen this before?" Addison asked as she called 911 from the other phone. She was terrified for her friend.

"I was in the delivery room when I kids were born. But that was different! There were people there. This is- Oh my god, I think it is close." He yelled as he looked down.

"Okay... Listen to me. It sounds like she is going to deliver right there. I need you to wash your hands and get some clean towels." Addison explained. "You are going to have to deliver these babies. Help is on the way, but she will never make it that long."

"Oh no, ma'am... I can't do this!" Aaron spat as he rose to his feet and began washing his hands. "Her husband... He should be here. He should... He doesn't even know." Aaron told the woman as he dried his hands and stood there in silence.

"I will call him. But you need to pull yourself together. I need you to spread a towel underneath her. And keep her calm. This is her first time... God it shouldn't have happened like this. First times births never go this fast..." She said with a frown. "What is going on?" She asked as she grabbed the other phone.

"It's coming." Aaron told her with a frown as he looked at Meredith, seeing the baby's head coming closer and faster.

"I need Derek! Where is Derek?" Meredith sobbed as she felt the pain rip through her abdomen. "Oh god... It hurts so bad. Make it stop. Please! Make it stop!" Meredith begged as she laid her head back and gave up.

"You need to get Dr. Shepherd here right now!" Aaron spat as he looked at Meredith. He was not ready for that.

I am... I am." Addison said quickly as she sat back at her desk and placed her fingers on the bridge of her nose.

Derek was having a nice lunch with her mother. Really it was more about Derek holding and cooing to his baby girl as everyone came by and worshiped her. He loved showing her off. She was beautiful like her mother. She was his perfect little angel. Just as he went to give her the hundredth kiss of the hour, he heard his phone ring.

"Hello?" Derek asked without checking to see who was calling.

"Derek... It's Addison. I don't want you to get nervous... But Meredith is labor. At home. Help is on the way and Aaron is there to help her. But I have to tell you, it is going quick. It is going really quick." She told him nervously. She hated telling him that he may miss the birth of one or both of his children.

"What! What?" Derek yelled in shock. "Oh my god... I am on my way." He said as he took Cassidy and ran.

"What is going on, Derek?" Linda asked as she chased after him. "What are you doing?" She yelled as she caught up holding the baby's carry in her hand

"Mer is in labor, Mom. She is in labor at him. Right now!" Derek yelled out as he rushed to the exit and towards his car. He quickly opened the doors and placed Cassidy in her seat. "Oh my god, mom." Derek said as he started the car and pulled out. "I'm going to miss it. I am going to miss seeing my babies come into this world!" Derek said as he drove along. He couldn't bear the thought. Not at all.

--

"Okay, Meredith... You need to push." Aaron said as he knely down before her. "This baby wants to come out now!" He told her as he looked.

"No... No! Not without Derek. I can't. I need him here. I can't do this on my own. I cannot." Meredith screamed as she looked around waiting for Derek to come out of nowhere and save her. "Oh god... It hurts! It hurts so bad!" Meredith screamed as she pushed. She had to. She couldn't stop it.

"It will be fine. He is on his way. Help is on the way." Aaron told her with a nod. "You have two babies in there and you have to save them. You have to get one out so the other can join the world." He told her as he stroked her hand softly.

"Tell her she has to push. She has to push for Cassidy and Derek." Addison said with a smile as she stared at Meredith's file.

"Meredith... You have to push for your husband and daughter." Aaron told her with a nod. Meredith cried out as she bore down and pushed as hard as she could. Aaron looked to see the baby's head come out. "The head! The head is out!" Aaron said happily as he dried the baby's head with the clean towel and wiped it's nose.

"The shoulders are going to be very painful for her." Addison told him with a nod. "Keep her pushing as long as she has the strength to. Once the baby comes, you need to dry it off and lay him of her on her belly. She needs to keep it warm. And you need to make sure the umbilical cord doesn't get pinched." Addison told him quickly.

"Oh god... I have to let you- It's here... Meredith, push! Push!" He shouted as he looked down. Meredith bore down and pushed with all her might.

"Oh my god! I hate him! AHHH!! HATE HIM!" Meredith screeched as she pushed, feeling the pain rip through her in waves. "Oh... Why isn't he here?" She asked as she sobbed and pushed.

"It's a boy! It's a boy!" He yelled as he held the child in his hands. "It's boy!" He said as he dried him off. "A boy." They both gasped when they heard him scream loudly.

"Oh my god!" Meredith cried as she struggled to look. She saw a glimpse of the most amazing thing she had ever seen in her life. "He is amazing!" She cried as Aaron placed the baby on her stomach. "Oh..."

"He is beautiful." Aaron said as he looked at the baby. They both looked up at the emergency personnel rushed in. "One is here!" He yelled as he moved out of the way. The quickly took a look at the baby, checking him over.

"You did a good job, Sir." They said with a smile and a nod as they looked. "The cord can be clamped now." Someone else said as they looked at her.

"Derek... Derek should be here." Meredith said with a frown as she looked down at her baby. "I need Derek." She said as she looked at her son. "Oh... Oh god." She cried out as she felt pain coming on.

"Okay, ma'am..." The paramedic said as he looked at her. Meredith leaned up, holding her son. Aaron took a place behind her, trying to support her body.

"Oh...Oh...Oh... Oh no!" She cried as she laid back. She couldn't take it. He was missing it all.

"Mer!" She heard loudly from the front door. All hope returned as she looked up to see Derek. Derek looked in a panic as he rushed to her side.

"Oh, Der... Oh.. I tried! I tried, and I couldn't. Meet your son..." She said as she sobbed. "I tried to wait, I couldn't. He wouldn't wait." Meredith told him as she looked up. "He came anyway."

"Oh, Mer... He is beautiful. Oh my god..." He said as he scooped the boy into his arms and kissed his head. He was amazed at his perfectly squished face and unique baby smell. "You did good. You did so good." Derek told her as he kissed her softly. "I love you so much. I love you." Derek told her with a nod. "Thank you." He mouthed to Aaron, who nodded.

"Ah!" Meredith screamed as she felt a contraction take over. Linda stood away from them with Cassidy. "Oh my god, save me! Derek, you fucking cock sucker, I hate you! Oh god... I'm sorry... I love you. Oh god, I love you!" Meredith cried as she pushed.

"You're okay, babe." Derek told her as he wiped her face with a damp cloth. "You are okay. Just push." Derek told her with a smile.

"The baby is coming out head first." The medic pointed out with a smile. "Okay, ma'am... I need you to push." He told her with a smile. Meredith shook her head as she pushed hard.

"Oh god... It hurts... It hurts so bad!" Meredith screamed as she felt the tears slid down her cheeks and the baby push it's way out.

"Ma'am, you are almost there. I need you to give it one last push. Baby one made way for this one to come along." He said with a bid smile as he dried off the baby and supported it. "It's coming!"

"Oh god... Oh...Derek make it...Oh!" Meredith growled as she pushed hard. She felt her body screaming out at her. They both looked up when they heard a loud cry fill the room.

"It's a boy! Another boy!" The medic yelled as he looked up at them. He gently guided the boy up and placed him on her stomach with a towel.

"Oh, Derek... He is so perfect!" Meredith said as she rubbed his head. "He is amazing."

"Wow... Derek said in shock as he looked at his two boys. He had never been prouder in his wife. Never.

"Oh my god..." Meredith repeated as she held them. "They are so perfect..." She told Derek as she laid against Aaron. They forgot about everyone else in the room as they focused on each other and their children. Meredith couldn't believe that she had just given birth to teh most amazing children in the world. "Cass!" She siad quickly as she looked around. "Where is my little girl?" Meredith asked softly.

"Here she is." Linda told her with a smile. "Cass, look... It's your brothers. Aren't they cute?" She asked as she knelt down before the family. "It's amazing, isn't it?" She asked as she looked at Meredith. Meredith's body felt like it had been through a war, but all she could feel was the love in her heart for her three children.

"Dr. Grey-Shepherd... You should nurse them." The medic said as he sat there on the phone with Addison. "She is saying you need to nurse them and try to pass the placenta here at home." He explained. "We will take it with us when we take you to the hospital." Meredith sat up and held her older twin. Everyone stepped away as she and Derek sat there with her babies.

"So... Who is who?" Derek asked as he looked at his two boys. "We only picked one boy name. Especially since you were banking on two girls." Derek pointed out, chiding her playfully because she was wrong.

"Well, this is Conner... Conner Darcy Shepherd. Darcy being your grandfather's name." Meredith told him as she looked down at the boy who was suckling as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "And that boy... That is Sean Luca." Meredith told him as a tear ran down her cheek. "And they are both so amazing."

"They are... I am so sorry I missed Conner." Derek said as a tear ran down his cheek and he kissed her on her damp forehead.

"You didn't miss Conner... You have a whole lifetime with all of us." Meredith pointed out as she looked at her family. "A lifetime of happiness." She told him as she looked up at him. She slowly traded babies, looking down at Sean. "They look the same, but they are so different." Meredith explained as she looked up at Derek, who nodded in agreement.

"They are... Oh look... Look at those blues." Derek said with a smile as Sean opened his eyes and looked at his mom.

There was a moment. Derek looked at both of them in amazement. He could see the connection. Sean looked at her like she was his everything. He was minutes old, and he looked at her like he had known her his whole life. He really had known her. He spent forever in her womb being talked to and loved. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that those babies knew them both. Derek felt the tears come as he noticed the connection that was stronger than anyone would ever believe.

"I don't even know them, but I love them so much." Meredith whispered as she looked up at Derek.

"I know what you mean... I feel the same way." Derek told her with a nod as he looked at her with soft eyes. He would do anything for the family that he loved so much. Derek looked down with wide eyes, seeing that she had passed the placenta. It was definitely something he would not forget on his kitchen floor. Every time he walked into that room, he would see it.

"Ma'am..." The medic said as he looked at her. "We do need to take you in. Dr. Montgomery is expecting you at Seattle Presbyterian." He told her with a smile and nod. He looked up as a team brought in a stretcher. Meredith sighed as they moved her over.

"Derek... Hold my hand. And the babies... Be careful!" She said loudly as they transported the family into the ambulance. Of course a group of concerned neighbors had made their way to the middle of the street. Linda quickly loaded Cassidy into the car seat and drove towards the hospital. In just a small mount of time, they turned into a family of four. And they had never been happier in their lives.

Meredith closed her eyes as they drove. She was so tired from the effort she had put out. Derek held her hand softly as they headed towards the hospital. He had never felt more perfect. Life seemed to have fallen in place for them. For once, all of their hopes and dreams were in plain sight. For once, they could be completely happy and content. They were a family. The perfect one.


	179. Amazing

Derek watched as Meredith laid silently in the bed. Her eyes were closed, and she was snoring faintly. He wasn't sure how she could sleep with all of the noise and excitement that was buzzing around. She knew that the babies were safe with their father, and she could rest peacefully. Meredith was exhausted from her efforts. A natural birth was hard enough, but with twins, that took a lot out of a person. Derek grabbed her hand and rubbed it gently. She did such a good job and he would never be able to express that to her.

"How is she?" Addison asked as she walked into the room. Derek looked up at her with a smile. He was glad that their friend was on her case. It felt so much better knowing that Addison had Meredith's interests at heart.

"Exhausted. Poor Mer... We had talked and she had finally agreed that she would want the epidural. I know now that she wished she could have had it." Derek said with a chuckle as he looked at her. He couldn't imagine giving birth. He fought the urge to grab himself at the thought of the pain.

"It's hard... But Mer is tough. She gave birth on her kitchen floor like a trooper. I mean, that doesn't happen often. And first time birth rarely go that fast!" Addison said with a nod as she walked over to Meredith. Meredith slowly opened her eyes and looked around. Derek gave her a soft kiss and a smile as he looked into her eyes.

"Hey you..." He said softly as he rubbed her face. He couldn't love her anymore that he did, but she would never understand how deep it went. Or maybe she did, because she felt the same way. "How are you feeling?"

"Mmm... Good. Where are they?" Meredith asked with a light smile as she looked around. She was worried about her babies. Whens he didn't see them, panic came in and it came quick. "Oh my god... Where are they?" She asked as she looked.

"Relax, Meredith... They have them in the nursery. It should be getting close to time for you to nurse them. I will let a nurse know." Addison told her with a smile as she rubbed her arm.

"What is this?" Meredith asked as she moved the iv and looked at it.

"You were a little dehydrated. Nothing to worry about. Just some lactated ringer's and dextrose. It's nothing that will hurt the babies. But I think you already know that." Addison told her with a smile.

"How are they?" Meredith asked as she looked at Derek and at Addsion.

"I don't know... I think you may have the most handsome boys in that nursery. They already have Derek's head cock down. Everyone is seeing that. And amazing eyes. I know you saw those." Addison told her with a smile. Derek looked at them both. He had a grin on his face that would never go away.

"They are amazing, Mer... You should see them. I mean... You have, but they- I can't get over how amazing they are." Derek told her with a smile.

"They're healthy?" Meredith asked, knowing they were five weeks early. "Their lungs? How are their lungs?" She asked in a panic.

"You're babies are good. They are great. We need to keep them for maybe a week, but they really are doing well, even if they are early." Addison told her with a smile. "You really don't need to worry yourself about them.

"Oh... Good." Meredith responded with a big nod. "I'd really like to see them now. And Cass! Where is my girl?" Meredith asked as she looked around. "She needs to nurse... Oh god... She is.. She needs to nurse." She stammered as she looked down at her full breasts.

"Mom fed her with a bottle today. Addison put some sugar water on the nipple and she took it like a champ. Thank god you pumped." Derek told her with a nod. "Mom and Cassidy are down by the nursery. She was looking forward to seeing her brothers."

"I'm sure she won't always feel that way." Meredith said with a giggle as she thought about it. She could already see the fights that would go on when Cassidy got old enough to boss them around.

"I think you may have a point." Derek agreed. "Cassidy has already made sure that everyone knows that she is the boss around here."

"Okay... I have patients... But if you need me, I am here." Addison said with a nod as she walked out of the room. Just as she walked out, they brought the babies in.

"Sean or Conner?" The nurse asked with a smile. Like they could choose. How could they decided who went first. "Sean seems a little hungrier." She said as she picked up up. Meredith happily accepted her baby as the nurse put him in her arms.

"Hey there, Sean Luca... How are you?" Meredith asked her son as she kissed him on the head and held him to her breast. She was happy to see him eating so veraciously. Her eyes met up with Derek's. He had a huge grin on his face as he held Conner. She was fortunate to such a great man. And ever greater kids.

"Whoa buddy!" Derek said with a laugh as he watched Sean nurse. The baby was nursing like he hadn't eaten in years. "Although, I think if I could... I would suck on that thing too." He joked as he looked at her. Meredith shook her head, letting it roll off. No one was in the room, and she was just too happy to say anything to him.

"Hello..." Linda said with a smile as she walked into the room holding Cassidy. "You... Ah... You are just lucky that we made it there in time. Do you know how Derek would have felt if he missed the birth of both of his children?"

"I can only imagine..." Meredith said with a smile. "Can you...bring Cass over here. I need to give her a kiss." Meredith said as she looked up at Cassidy. "I don't want my girl to think that she is being left out." Linda walked over and held Cassidy close enough for Meredith to reach her. "How is mama's girl?" Meredith asked softly as she kissed her on the head. Cassidy looked up at her mom and smiled softly. "You are such a beautiful girl!"

"She is." Derek agreed as he looked at her and then down at his sons. "They are all so amazing. So many of them... But I love them all the same. I love them all so much, I can't even put it into words." Derek explained with a smile. "My perfect family..."

"I love you, Derek." Meredith said with a smile as she looked over at him. "I love you so much you have no idea."

"Your boys are amazing." Linda said with a smile as she looked at them. "Which one's which? I guess I should know... But I don't know them yet." She said as she looked at them. They were hours old and Meredith knew that no one could tell the difference. But she could. She just knew.

"This is Sean. Derek has Conner. Conner is a little bit smaller. And he has a tiny birthmark on his foot." Meredith explained with a giggle. Derek looked at her in shock, he hadn't noticed it.

"He does... How? How did you know?" Derek asked in shock as he looked at the little boy's foot. He was amazed that she had picked it up so quickly.

"I'm his mommy... That is how." Meredith said with a smile as Sean released her and opened his eyes, looking up. Derek slowly traded her babies, being careful to not let them slip. Meredith smiled at how careful he was with their head and neck.

"Mommy knows..." Derek agreed as he held Sean close to him. "Mommy knows best." He said with a smile as he kissed Sean on the head. "You look tired, Mer." Derek told her with a frown. "You need to rest."

"After Conner rests. My little guy can't be forgotten." She told him with a nod as she looked at Conner and kissed him softly. He felt so natural in her arms. She wouldn't trade her babies in for anything in the world. She was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open, but she couldn't close them. She had to look at them until she couldn't anymore. She had waited so long.

Meredith nursed her baby. She had no idea what she was going to do when all three of them wanted her at the same time. She knew that is was something that she was going to have to deal with when the time came. She slowly pulled Conner away and handed him to the nurse, but not before giving him a kiss on the head.

"You rest." Derek told Meredith with a smile as she rubbed her cheek. She nodded her head and closed her eyes. Derek looked over at LInda, who nodded and smiled.

"She needs to rest. Childbirth is traumatizing to your body." Linda pointed out with a nod. "She will need to rest as much as she can. I'm serious, Derek. We need to take care of her. And this is going to be on you. I'm not going to be here forever. You will have to learn to do it all."

"I'm ready, mom. I am more than ready to do whatever I need. I know that they are my family, and I am ready to take care of them." Derek explained as he looked at her. Just as he sat back, he heard his cellphone ring. He frowned, he really shouldn't have it on in the hospital.

"Hey, Derek! Congratulations!" Kristy said with a loud squeal. "What is it? What are they?" She asked happily.

"Boys. Two boys! Sean Luca and Conner Darcy." Derek said proudly. "It was amazing, Kristy... Amazing. Meredith, she had them in our kitchen! No epidural! She was so great. And they are so cute. They are... They look just like Cass... And... And... They are early, but they are doing so well. They are just..."

"Amazing?" Kristy asked with a smile as she listened to him go one. "Derek... That is great."

"It is. I mean... Cassidy, she wasn't here, and then she was. And she pushed so hard... And it was just- I will never forget it, Mer. Never." Derek told her with a smile.

"Well, how is Mer?" Kristy asked as she thought about the pain she had been in. "Mark and I wanted to come see her."

"You should wait a few days. Mer is really tired. I mean... This took the life out of her." Derek explained. He was trying to keep people away so that they could have some alone time.

"I understand. I will let Mark know. She has to be exhausted. You too. I will call you back. Just let me know..." Kristy said quickly. She sounded sad, Derek felt bad, knowing that she was upset.

"Okay, Kris... We really want you to see them." Derek told her happily. "I will let you know..." Derek told her with a sigh. At the moment, he wasn't concerned if Kristy was upset.

--

Meredith sat in the wheelchair. In her opinion, this was an unnecessary evil. She did it to people all of the time when she was at work, but somehow it was different when it was her butt in the seat. Derek had a carrier in each hand and Linda was carrying Cassidy in her own carrier. They were like a troop as they made it to the hospital's exit. Derek looked at the Denali. He was wondering if they ever would fill it up. They only needed two more. As he looked at Meredith, he decided he better wait awhile before proposing that one to her.

"We're finally going home!" Meredith said with a smile as she pulled herself from her chair. She was actually amazed at how weak she really was. She expected to jump up and be the way she was before. Her stomach may have been gone, but the remnants of the excavation were more than apparent. "Oh..."

"Are you okay, Mer?" Derek asked in a panic. If she were in distress, he would have to set the carriers down, and he didn't like that idea at all.

"I am... Just sore." She admitted as she stood there. She knew that there was no way you could give birth without feeling the aftershock. "I'm okay." She told him with a nod as she started walking towards their new Denali.

Derek opened the doors and looked. He wanted to help Meredith in. He needed to help Meredith in. As he looked at the babies and then at her, he had no idea who to help. He drew in a breath and looked at his mother, hoping she would fill him in on what she should do.

"Put them in, Derek... I can manage." Meredith said with a smile. Derek gave her a look of hesitation, but he went on. He already had the necessarily parts in the Denali. All he had to do was snap the seats in place. He put Cassidy in a middle bucket seat and decided to put the twins in the back. Linda could sit in the other bucket seat in case they needed her.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he pulled out of the parking lot. He made a grab for her hand and squeezed it gently.

"I feel good. really glad to be going home." Meredith pointed out with a smile. "I can't wait for our bed. And to have the babies in the same room." She said happily. "You got the bedding, right? Everything is ready?"

"I went and got everything. It's been cleaned with the hypoallergenic laundry detergent. There is a full stock of diapers. The Shepherd home is more than ready for it's family." She told her firmly. "The cribs are safe. I had Aaron put them together."

"Thanks, Mom." Derek grumbled. He couldn't believe she said that. It was like she didn't have confidence in his man duties. "Thanks a lot. I'll have you know, Cass's crib is fine. It hasn't fallen down yet."

"That is true, son. You hold onto that." Linda joked as she looked at him and laughed. As she laughed, she heard a loud wail from the back of the car. Meredith's eyes got wide, and Linda knew she had to rush back there or Meredith would. Just as she got to the back of the car, Conner joined is brother, followed but his sister.

"Oh my god, Derek! They hate us." Meredith cried out as she looked back. Once Meredith started crying, there were four crying humans in the car feeding off of each other. Derek grabbed her hand and continued to drive, knowing that was the thing to do.

"Are they okay?" Meredith sobbed with a mixture of emotions surging through her.

"Of course they are!" Linda said with a nod as she cooed at them, trying to get them to relax. Meredith stayed in a panic as she looked, not being able to help.

"They are okay, Mer. Mom just startled them. They are feeding off of one another. They are okay. We will calm them down when we get home, okay?" Derek told her softly, hating to see her cry. Meredith looked back at Linda, who seemed to be in a panic herself. Quickly, without notice, Meredith jumped up and headed to the back of the car.

"Mer!" Derek yelled as he watched her haphazardly walking through.

"Mom... You give Cass a pacifier. I have these two." Meredith said with a smile as she sat between them. She gently stroked their faces and cooed softly. Derek was amazed when he heard the cries trail off and the car go silent. Meredith really was an amazing mother. They could do this. They would be fine.


	180. Late Night

Meredith walked into her house. It was immaculate. Of course it was immaculate, Linda Shepherd had nothing better to do that clean her house. Meredith wondered just what the woman would do at him. She practically jumped up and down and bounced off of the walls at their house. Meredith could see why Derek was always wanting to work. He was just like his mother.

"Welcome home, boys." Derek said with a smile as he carried the two carriers in and Linda walked in with Cassidy. "This is where you will live for the next eighteen years." He told them with a smile. Of course the boys were fast asleep from their car ride home, but they would be up soon.

"They are so tired." Meredith said as she brushed their cheeks. "They never slept that much when they were inside of me." She groaned as she thought back to the sleepless nights. She was going to have to get used to her empty abdomen without it's activity.

"It usually goes that way." Linda told her with a nod. "If you are lucky. Unless you have a baby like Nancy. Nancy was horrible." Linda explained. "I brought her home, and I swear she cried for a month straight. A month, I'm not exaggerating. But Derek... Derek was like Cass. The only time I would see those bright blue eyes was when he was hungry." Linda said with a chuckle as she thought back. Even with all of the grandchildren, she longed for the days when she carried her own around.

"Derek, a good boy? Now I have a hard time believing that..." She said as she shook her head and smirked. Derek gave her an I-can't-belive-you-said-that look and she leaned in and gave him a soft kiss. "I guess you are capable of being a good boy. Or you were at some point in your life."

"Not nice, Mer... You are lucky I love you!" Derek said with a smirk as he looked into her bright green eyes. Nothing she could do would upset him. He just gave her the most wonderful gifts in the world.

"I am... I so am." She agreed as she walked over to the sofa. She was amazed at how much giving birth had taken out of her, even days later. Meredith sat down softly as Derek walked over at sat the carriers on the table. They just wanted to look at their babies for awhile.

"How are you feeling, Mer?" Derek asked as he rubbed tiny circles on her hand with his thumb. Meredith loved it when he did that to her. It made her calm down almost instantaneously. Derek had always put her as ease, ever since she had known him.

"I feel lighter." Meredith said with a smile as she looked over. "And maybe a little sad." She added. Derek gave her a puzzled look as listened to what she was saying.

Meredith felt empty. She missed carrying her babies inside of her. As much as she loved to see them, there was a connection that they shared when they were inside that. She would forever miss it. She almost felt a little guilty for even telling him that she was sad. She didn't want to make him worry about postpartum depression or anything else he may think she was going through.

"Sad... Mer, why are you sad?" Derek asked in shock as he looked at her. Now he was worried. He didn't need her to be unhappy.

"Not really sad... I just- I miss them. I know they are right here, but last night in the hospital, I clutched my stomach and it was empty. It just makes me a little sad. I'll be fine, don't worry about it." She reassured him as she kissed him on the cheek.

"If you aren't okay... I need you to tell me. I don't want you to be unhappy." Derek told her with a nod. "You would tell me, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would." Meredith said with a nod and a smile. "Maybe we should take them to the nursery. Cass is asleep to. That way they could all sleep together..." Meredith said with a smile as she pulled herself to her feet. She slowly scooped Conner out of the carrier and held him close.

"Mer... Maybe you should lat me take them?" Derek asked as looked at her. "You just gave birth... You need to be careful."

"I can carry one of my children to their room. You get Sean and we will walk back down and get Cassidy." Meredith told him with a smile as she walked away. Conner stirred softly and looked up at him mom as she walked along.

"Sounds like a plan." Derek agreed as he pulled Sean against his chest, being sure to support his head and neck. Sean and Conner were much smaller than Cassidy was when she was born. Cassidy was a handful, and they were so tiny and delicate he was terrified to drop them.

"This is your new room." Meredith told Conner as she walked in. She looked at the hand painted sign hanging on the wall over his bed. She was sure that Linda had it made. Sean and Cassidy had matching ones, Cassidy's being in soft pinks and purples. "I hope you like it." Meredith told him as she laid him down in his crib and looked down and he laid there gently. Derek did the same with Sean. "Do you want to go get Cass?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him. Derek nodded and walked off. Meredith stood there silently as Derek jaunted off and returned with his heavy load.

"Here we go." Derek whispered as he laid down. Derek pulled Meredith close and felt her head lay on his shoulder. "They are so perfect." He said with a smile as he looked down at their sleeping children.

"They are." Meredith agreed with a smile. "They really are."

--

Meredith laid down on their comfortable bed. She stayed in the nursery forever. She was content reading the JAMA. She was content doing anything if it meant she could stay in the room with her sleeping babies. She knew that noise was good so she would occasionally hum or sing softly. Cassidy was always the first one to wake up, but she would quickly doze back off to sleep. Meredith looked over at Derek who had a smile on his face. She knew there was nothing she could do to take it away from him.

"You look happy." Meredith pointed out as she looked over at him. Derek's smile only grew as he heard her say it. "Why are you so happy?" She asked softly. She listened to Derek chuckle.

"Are you kidding me? Did you really just ask me why I am so happy?" Derek asked with a smile. "I have the perfect family. How can I not be happy. I feel like nothing could bring me down. No way." He told her as he kissed her on the head.

"It is good... It is so good. I can't get over it." Meredith agreed as she looked at her beside table. She was contemplating reading, but she decided she was just too tired to read. She just wanted to take a night long nap. Meredith flipped her light off and looked at Derek.

"Are you tired?" Derek asked as he kissed her on the head and pulled her down onto his chest. "You look exhausted."

"I am. And I'm sure that the babies will be up sometime soon." Meredith pointed out as she laid her head back on the pillow and pulled the heavy blanket over herself.

"I hope not. I guess one good sleeper out of three is pretty good. I'm sure we won't be that lucky. I'm sure the boys will be the trouble makers." Derek told her with a nod. "We can go to sleep." Derek told her with a smile as he flipped off his bedside lamp. He was sure that they would be back up sooner rather than later.

"I wonder where Kristy is..." Meredith muttered in her half-sleep state.

Meredith had been thinking about it a lot. Her feelings were hurt. Kristy was her best friend and she wanted her support. She thought for sure that Kristy would have been there the second she heard about the birth. Everyone in the world knew that Meredith had the twins. She knew that Kristy had found out. And now she was alone. She was without her best friend when she thought she would have her.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked as he rolled towards her. Meredith rolled onto her side and looked into his eyes. She could see a hint of blue even in the dark.

"Well, I really thought that Kristy and Mark would have come over. I have to admit, my feelings are hurt. I expected her to come to the hospital, and she never did. She was there for me when everything else happened, and when I needed her, she wasn't around." Meredith told Derek with a frown. Derek looked at her in shock. He was feeling guilty that he had told Kristy not to come.

"I'm so sorry, Mer... I didn't know." Derek muttered as he thought back. He knew in his heart that he had been acting selfishly. Now it was coming back to hit him.

"Didn't know what?" Meredith asked as she furrowed her brow. She was confused at his plea of forgiveness. He seemed to feel guilty about something.

"Well... Kristy called the first day you were in the hospital. She wanted to come see the twins. I told her she had to wait because you had just been through hell. And I said I would call her and et her know when she could come. I guess I forgot to call her." Derek said with a frown.

"Derek!" Meredith replied sadly. "I can't believe you... Kristy is my best friend. I would have wanted her there. Why couldn't you ask me, Derek?" Meredith questioned sadly as she looked into his eyes. "And you never called her. Her feeling are probably hurt. And now it is so late... I can't call her now." Meredith grumbled as she looked at the clock.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm really sorry. I'll call her in the morning. It wasn't that I didn't want her there... No.. I guess it was like that. I guess I was selfish. I just wanted you and the babies. I didn't want Kristy and Mark and everyone else we knew marching in. It was our time, and I wanted it to stay our time." Derek explained as he looked at her. He could tell she was upset with him. Meredith smiled and nodded, knowing just what he was talking about. She knew that he wanted them all to himself and she couldn't blame him for that.

"Night..." She mumbled as she kissed him softly. Just as she closed her eyes and started to relax, she heard a faint cry on the baby monitor. Before she could even climb to her feet, she heard two more join the first.

"Oh... Wow." Derek said as he opened his eyes. The cried were loud. He was used to Cassidy's dainty little cries. Once the boys joined her, the windows shook. "Looks like we are going to have fun." Derek pointed out as he pulled himself to his feet and walked with her.

As they walked in, the cries only got louder. Meredith was in shock as she looked in at each of the babies. In the short time it took her to get in the nursery, they already had bright red faces and tears falling in ample supply. Meredith didn't even know who to go to first. She looked at them and frowned. She was feeling a little overwhelmed.

"I- I don't know who to take first." Meredith said in shock as she looked at them. She finally decided to take the baby on the left. She grabbed Conner and held him close. "What's the matter, buddy?" Meredith asked as she looked into his distressed eyes. "Here... Check his diaper. If it is dirty, change it." She said as she handed Conner to Derek and she walked over and grabbed Sean. Meredith knew that Cassidy was older and could handle a little more stress.

"Are you dirty?" Derek asked as he laid Conner down on the changing table and opened up his onsie. "Oh yeah... Holy mother of- Wow. You stink, kid." Derek said in shock as he looked at the messy diaper. "What did you feed this beast?" Derek asked in shock as he looked at Meredith.

"Just breast milk." Meredith said with a giggle as she laid Sean down. She looked at Sean's wet diaper and quickly changed him into a clean one. She was much faster than Derek and decided that he needed to do it more for practice. "And you need to pick up the pace!" She said as she gave Sean a kiss and walked him over to his crib.

"Is everything okay in here?" Linda asked as she walked into the nursery. Derek looked up. He didn't want to need her. He wanted to be able to do it on there own.

"Everything is fine... You go lay down. We have this." Derek told her with a nod as he wiped Conner clean and put a soft fresh diaper on him.

"Everything doesn't look good. Sean is still crying and Meredith looks flustered with Cassidy." Linda pointed out as she rushed in and over to Meredith. "I assume you changed Sean. He is probably hungry. Here, I will take Cassidy and you can nurse Sean." Linda said with a smile.

Derek felt himself get angry. He watched as Meredith handed their girl over and walked over to Sean. Meredith didn't look unhappy, but Derek didn't like to see his mom come in and take over. He wanted them to be able to do it on their own. He refused to let Meredith feel uncomfortable around Linda.

"Mom... Mer and I are the parents here." Derek snapped as he looked over at her. Linda looked at him in shock. His comment stung, but she wasn't going to admit how much.

"I was just trying to help, son. I'm not trying to take over... It is stupid for Meredith to change a diaper when her child is hungry." Linda told him frankly as she finished Cassidy's diaper and walked her over to her crib.

"It is... And I could have done it. I would have changed Cassidy's diaper. I'm not saying that we don't appreciate you. Believe me, I do. But I don't want to have to depend on you. Mer and I can do this. And when you leave, we can't feel overwhelmed. We need to be able to do this." Derek explained as he laid Conner down in his crib and then grabbed Cassidy from her arms. "You can go back to sleep now." Derek told her with a nod and a smile.

"Okay." Linda said with a frown. "I guess I will." She agreed as she walked away. Derek looked at Meredith, who looked away. She didn't want to let him know what she was thinking.

"I think I will go grab a bottle for Cassidy. IS that okay?" Derek asked as he looked over at her. "I think you have the breast darn near tapped out." Derek pointed out as he looked at Sean who was eating veraciously.

"I think that is a good idea." Meredith agreed. She knew that once she was done nursing Conner there would be nothing let for Cassidy to eat. As she sat there with Sean nursing she was beginning to think that everyone was right. She had no idea wow she was going to nurse them all.

"There you go..." Derek said softly as he sat down in the other chair. Cassidy laid in his arms and drank the bottle greedily. "Such a hungry girl. Just like mom... So much like mom." He laughed as he looked at her.

Meredith and Derek both sat in their chairs. They were tired and testy, but when it came to their children, it changed everything. Meredith was more than happy to have her babies, even if it did mean late night feedings and diaper changes. Marley quickly ran into the room and laid at Meredith's feet. He had been so accepting of the babies. As Derek fed Cassidy and Meredith nursed Sean, they looked at each other. There was a look. The both knew. They had gotten everything they wanted.


	181. Ground Rules

Derek covered his head with a pillow. He was hating the late night feedings. He didn't realize it could be so bad. It had been one night, and he was realizing that one night was more than enough for him. He would never admit it to Meredith, but he was exhausted. He was exhausted and all he wanted to do was sleep. It was five am and she was next to him in a nice zombie rest, and there he laid. Even in silence, he could still hear their cries.

"Oh god... Stop! Please stop!" Derek groaned loudly as he thrashed himself. Meredith jerked awake as she heard him. His arm bumped her softly as he tossed.

"Derek! Derek! What are you doing?" Meredith asked as she shook him awake. Derek quickly opened his eyes and glared at her.

"You woke me up." He growled as he stared straight into her tired eyes with a set of his own.

"You were thrashing." Meredith told him with a nod. "And screaming please stop. I must have been a bad dream. Are you okay?" She asked as she rubbed his arm. Derek looked up at her with a frown. He couldn't tell her that he was suffering. He needed his rest.

"Not a bad dream..." He grumbled as rolled away from her. "It was more a a nightmare." He told her with a frown. Meredith looked at him with a sigh. She had no idea what had him so irritated, but it was something.

Meredith rolled her eyes and laid back down. She was resisting the urge to go in and check on them. She loved them so much. She worried when they were alone. She worried if they were going to suffocate. She worried that they could get hurt. She worried about them nonstop and all she wanted to do was go check. She gently threw her blankets off and started to crawl out of bed. Just as her feet hit the floor, she felt Derek's hand on her arm.

"Don't even think about it." Derek said quickly as he held her. He felt Meredith go taunt and then she got back on the bed. "You are not even going to wake them up."

"I just want to check on them." She said with a frown. "Sean could be choking. And Cass could have rolled into the side and be stuck. And Conner, he could be dead, Derek. Blue." She told him frankly, hoping to make him realize how dire it really was.

"Damn it, Mer. Damn you." Derek growled as he shook his head and threw the blankets off. "I just want some sleep, baby. Just a little sleep. Please. Please?" Derek whined as he walked with Meredith to the nursery.

Derek walked in quietly. He did not want to wake them. He knew they shouldn't even be in there at the moment. Derek crept up to Cassidy's crib. She as sleeping softly, just like a princess. Derek knew how un-princess like she could be if she got upset. He next walked to Sean's crib. Sean had a happy smile on his face and he was all scrunched up. Meredith followed behind him and they both walked up to Conner's crib. The minute they peered in, was at the minute his eyes flashed open.

"Duck!" Derek cried out as he hit the floor. Meredith looked at the man in shock. He was on the floor in fear for his life. She couldn't believe that Derek was in the floor hiding from their baby.

"Derek." Meredith growled as she looked down at him. Before Conner could cry, she scooped him up. She could not risk him waking up the others. "Oh... How is my guy?" Meredith whispered as she carried him over to the chair. "How are you Conner?" Meredith questioned as she sat down in the chair with him. "Such a good boy. You can get up, Derek." Meredith said as she looked at him.

"I just... Need sleep." Derek whined as he walked over to see his boy. Derek rubbed his head gently. Meredith looked up at him and shook her head. She couldn't be mad at him, but she was irritated.

"Just go to bed, Der. Really... I'm fine here. I have my guy." She told him with a smile. "I have both my guys and my girl. You go rest." Derek looked at her with a frown. Now he was feeling guilty. He was feeling like he was being a jerk to her and he didn't want that.

"Mer... I'm not... I am in this. I really am in this, Mer. All the way. I'm just really tired. And I-" Derek stopped himself. He didn't even know what else to say. He felt like he was already being a bad father. "I love you." He told her with a smile as he kissed her head. He looked down at Conner, who was fast asleep in her arms. "Here..." He said as he scooped him up.

"He fell asleep. You were so worried. All you had to do was think." Meredith said with a smile as she watched him gently lay Conner back down. "Let's go to bed." She said as she reached out her hand for him. Derek grasped it softly and walked along. "Are you my tired guy?" She joked as she dragged him along.

"I am... So tired." Derek told her as he pulled her into the bed with him. Meredith drew in a deep breath and cuddled against his side. He loved her so much and he never wanted her to question that. Their love was deep and strong. And the babies... They would only make it stronger.

--

Meredith looked at the phone. She wanted to call Kristy. She wanted to call her best friend and invite her over. She felt like such a jerk for letting it go so long. She felt like she needed to apologize for not calling sooner. She was so mad at Derek for acting the way he did towards her. After all she had done, and now he was going to be selfish. Meredith was so mad at him about it. She was so angry that he had put her in that position. She finally got the nerve up and grabbed the phone.

"Hello?" Kristy said as she answered. Meredith wasn't even sure that she was going to be home, but apparently she was.

"Hey, Kris... How are you?" Meredith asked as she sat back. The twins were asleep and Cassidy was nursing happily.

"I'm good..." Kristy replied hesitantly. It was obvious that she was having some sort of animosity. She was definitely hurt, Meredith could hear it in her voice. "What's going on?"

"Well... I'm here at home. And I was just wondering if you were going to come over. i miss you... And I want you to see the twins. And Cass, or course." Meredith told her softly as she sat there with her daughter.

"Oh... You're ready for company now?" Kristy asked in shock as she sat there. Mark was at the hospital and this was one of her few days off. She had nothing better to do, but she was still irritated with Derek to no end.

"Well... I am always ready for you to stop by." Meredith told her with a smile. A smile that Kristy couldn't see but she was hoping she could feel.

"Oh... Well, is Derek?" kristy asked boldly. She wanted Meredith to know, but at the same time, she didn't want to start a fight. She knew that starting a fight would do absolutely no good, and would just upset Meredith.

"Derek is sorry, Kris... He is just being Derek. He is being a selfish jerk." Meredith told her with a frown. "I didn't know what was said that until days later. I would have never put up with that and you know it. In fact, I was hurt that you never came to the hospital. I actually thought you didn't care." Meredith admitted sadly.

"Oh! Meredith! You should know better. I care honey... I do care." Kristy told her happily. She was supposed to stick to her original plan of brushing them off, but she couldn't. She wasn't that type of person.

"So will you come over?" Meredith asked as she pulled Cassidy away. Cassidy looked at her with her bright blue eyes and smiled. "You are more than welcome."

"I would love to!" Kristy said in a high pitched voice. "If you want, I could grab us some of your favorite barbeque sandwiches from Peco's Pit." She suggested, knowing how much Meredith loved the sloppy barbeque.

"That would be wonderful." Meredith agreed. "I will give you the money when you come. Don't forget Derek and mom..." Meredith said quickly. She felt tacky throwing them in, but she would feel worse if Kristy showed up with enough for the two of them.

"Oh, don't worry about it." Kristy told her happily. "I will be over in about and hour." She added as she hung up the phone. Meredith felt like she was missing out on something. She felt like she was missing a huge part of her life.

"Who was that?" Derek asked as he plopped down on the sofa. Meredith didn't like his heavy plop. In her opinion he would have sat softly and not disrupted them. Meredith was having a moment with her baby and he just plopped down.

"Don't plop down like that, Derek. Cass is here. She doesn't need to be jostled." meredith told him with a nod. Derek had a look of shock and regret on his face, as he nodded meekly. "It was Kristy. She will be over in about an hour." Meredith explained as she looked up at him. She could tell by the look on Derek's face that he was regretting his stupidities from earlier in the week.

"Oh... Kristy is coming over..." He trailed off as he looked away. He wasn't ready for her to come over. He felt like the world's biggest jerk. He knew he messed up and now he would pay for it.

"Yes... Kristy is coming over." Meredith told him as she held a sleeping Cassidy next to her. "And I think it would be wise of you to start thinking about your apology speech right now." She joked as she looked at him. She felt like she had taken over the commanding role and he was just kind of there. She was hoping that he would get into the swing of things soon. He really needed to.

"Okay." Derek responded as he sat back. He looked over at Cassidy. He really wanted to hold her, but he didn't want to ask. He felt out of place, and wasn't sure why.

"Derek... What is going on with you?" Meredith asked frankly. He was acting strange, and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked as he looked at her. He knew what she meant, but she was going to have to drag it out of him. He wasn't wanting to talk about it. He wasn't wanting to admit that he felt inferior.

"You haven't been acting right. With Cassidy you were doing good. You were doing great. And now that the boys are here, it is like you forgot things. It is like you don't want to do this. It is like you forgot how to be a father." She pointed out sadly as she looked up at him. Derek looked back at her and sighed as he put his hands out for his girl.

"I just- Cassidy was easy. Really easy. And the boys aren't. The boys are needy. And there is so much chaos, I feel like you just want me to get out of the way. I feel like when I do get in there and help, all I do is fumble. I mean... Mom rushes in and tells me I am doing things wrong. I just feel like I get in the way more than I help. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to stay out of your way." Derek explained as he held Cassidy gently.

"Derek Michael... That is so not happening. We did not create three children fro you to pussy out on me! I can't believe this. You are either using this as a really great excuse, or you are clueless. You nee to jump in. you need to help. I don't care what your mother says. I need you. And if you don't start now... You will never learn. I will not raise them by myself." Meredith said angrily as she glared at him.

"I don't expect you to." Derek told her with a nod. "I'm sorry, Mer... I don't- I want to be in this. I want to learn." Derek told her with a smile. "I do... We can do this." Derek told her as he leaned in and kissed her softly.

"i know we can. But you are going to need to man up. That means none of this jumping down on the floor crap." Meredith told him firmly. Marley quickly ran up and jumped on her lap. Meredith smiled. There was so much going on, she couldn't keep up. It had gotten crazy. It went from Derek and Meredith, to adding four more. "Tell daddy to straighten up, Marley. You tell him." Meredith said as she rubbed his head. "You smell good... Did grandma give you a bath? Yes she did..." Meredith said as she rubbed his ears. Marley's ear pricked forward as he heard a baby cry. Meredith looked over at Derek and nodded.

"I guess that's me." Derek agreed as he laid Cassidy down in the pack-n-play and jogged away. Meredith looked over at Linda, who sat down in the chair.

"He'll get it, Meredith... You just need to keep after him." She said with a smile as she looked at her. "He wants to be a good father, you know that. Derek just needs a little reminding, that's all." Linda said frankly. She quickly jumped up when she saw him struggling to carry to babies. She quickly grabbed Sean and handed him to Meredith.

"Mer... I think we have left our jobs as surgeons and are now factory workers." Derek told her with a laugh. "This is feeling a lot like an assembly line." He told her with a nod and a smile.

"Yeah... I guess it is." Meredith said with a smile. "Wait until they all start walking." She said with a laugh. Derek's heart sank. Now that, was scary.


	182. Pregnant?

Meredith sat back with her baby. She was perfectly content with him in her arms. Any of them. She had three to chose from, and they were all great. Derek had Sean, Linda had Cassidy and Meredith had Conner. Meredith pecked tiny kisses on Conner's head and looked up at the other two. Derek was talking softly to his son and Cassidy was perfectly content in grandma's arms. Meredith laid her head back softly as she heard the front door open.

"Hello?" Kristy said softly as she walked into the house and looked around. "I come bearing gifts of food." She said as she shut the door and walked into the great room with bags of barbeque.

"Hey Kris!" Meredith said with a smile as she looked up. Kristy looked at all of them. They were zombies. They were in zombie mode. It was obviously from their restless night.

"Oh my god..." Kristy said in shock as she looked down at the baby in Derek's arms. "Oh..." She muttered as she sat the bags down on the table. "Can I?" She asked as she put her arms out. She couldn't believe how tiny and perfect they were.

"Of course." Derek told her with a nod and a smile as he released his son into her welcoming arms. Kristy held Sean in her arms so gently as she spoke to him. She couldn't believe how dark his hair was. He was absolutely perfect.

"Oh, Mer... He is amazing. What is his name?" Kristy asked as she stroked his cheek with her petite finger.

"Sean Luca Shepherd." Meredith said proudly. She loved his name. She loved the names of all of her kids. She wanted something slightly different and Sean Luca fit him well.

Derek felt like a jerk as he sat there. Kristy didn't even know the names of his children and they had been in the world for a week. His good friends were not even allowed the opportunity to see the children that he and Meredith created out of love. She softly dropped his head and looked down, he couldn't look at her. He was ashamed at his own selfish actions. His mother raised him better, and he knew better.

"Sean Luca... That is such a beautiful name!" Kristy told the baby as she kissed him softly. Sean slowly opened his eyes and looked up at her. "Oh! Look at those eyes. your eyes are amazing." Kristy told him as she looked into them.

"He was born first. Right in the kitchen. Derek missed it, but he was here right after." Meredith explained as she stroked Conner's baby soft hair.

"He thinks he is a big shot." Derek chimed in. "He was born first, and between you and I, I think his is a bit like his mom." Derek told her with a wink.

"Oh... Loud and demanding?" Kristy joked playfully as she rocked Sean back and forth. She always thought she would be the one to have Derek's children, but somehow it was more than okay.

"You mean sweet and caring." Linda said loudly as she looked at them all. She would stick up for her daughter-in-law. She had to. Meredith have her the most beautiful grandchildren she had ever seen. "She is sweet and caring if you ask me."

"Actually, I was going to say a bully. I have a strong suspicion that it was Sean beating the tar out of Conner in Meredith's belly." Derek told them frankly. "Poor Conner... I think he is going to have it rough."

"Derek... He is just a baby. You don't know anything. They will be fine." Meredith said with a giggle. Derek already knew everything there was to know about the babies. He already figured out just what they would do and where they would end up.

"I don't know, Mer... I see fire in this boy's eyes." Kristy stated firmly. She looked down at him. She could swear she saw him taunting her with his sweet smile. He definitely had his mom's fire in him.

"Oh, you guys... You are so funny." Meredith said as she hook her head. "Sean is just a baby. Although, he didn't wait to come in the world. He decided he wanted out, and he came. All I did was go to get something to eat. I swear, I gushed and then I was pushing." Meredith said in shock.

"I know that had to kill you. My god, I was in pain for a week, and I was under anesthesia." Kristy winced as she thought back about the pain that had ripped through her. She never wanted to experience that again for the rest of her life. "I can only imagine... You had to feel like you were dying."

"I did." Meredith admitted with a sigh as she thought back to the pain that had ripped her apart. "But once I heard the cries of my baby... That was it. And then all I could think about was getting Conner out." She admitted as she rubbed him. "Speaking of Conner... Wouldn't you like to met him too?" Meredith asked with a smile as she looked up. Kristy's smile only grew. She loved every bit of this.

"Of course!" Kristy said exuberantly. She almost felt guilty for holding Sean for so long. She didn't want Derek or Meredith to think she was favoring. She had truly wanted to see Cassidy first, but she held back the urge. Meredith slowly stood up and handed Kristy the tiny baby. "Wow... He looks just like his brother."

"That is usually how twins are, dear." Linda chimed in as she looked up. Kristy nodded and smiled. She knew that was true, she had seen twins a thousand times. But looking at the babies, she wondered just how they could tell them apart.

"Okay, I have to ask, how do you know?" Kristy questioned as she looked at him and then at Sean. "How can you tell the difference between the two?" Kristy asked as she once again studied them.

"Well, Conner has a bigger head." Meredith giggled as she looked at him. "I think he got it from Derek. Or Derek's side. And he has a small birthmark on his left foot." She pointed out. Kristy piked his foot up and smiled as she say it. It was tiny, but it was there.

"Hey! I do not have a big head." Derek said grumpily as he accepted Cassidy from his mother's arms. Linda quickly rushed out of the room.

"Derek, you do have a big head." She yelled as she rushed to the bathroom. Meredith looked over at him and giggled.

"I heard that you have the biggest head the land. You mom never forgot pushing you out. And I have to say, I will never forget pushing Conner out. And that was after Sean had paved the way. I can only imagine the hell she went through." Meredith pointed out as she shook her head.

"He got that big head from his grandpa." Kristy pointed out. Meredith smiled as she looked up. Part of her felt bad. Part of her thought about the fact that Kristy had been around, and she had not. She had years and Meredith hadn't. She hated to question it, but it seemed to rear it's ugly head every once in awhile and she had a hard time pushing it back out.

"Yes, he did." Meredith agreed, having seen the man in photographs. That was nothing less than Kristy. Th man head been dead for quite some time. "You know, Conner's name is Conner Darcy."

"Oh! You used his name! That is great." Kristy told her with a smile. "He is such a cute guy. They look so much like Cassidy. Of course she is feminine, but they just have that look. They look like you guys so much." She told them with a smile.

"Is he asleep?" Meredith asked as she looked up. She saw that both Cassidy and Sean were sound asleep. Kristy nodded as she looked down at the sleeping baby. "Do you want to bring him upstairs? I'm starving." She pointed out as she listened to her stomach growl loudly.

"I'll take him." Derek said with a smile as he laid Cassidy in the pack and play. He wanted to talk to Kristy, and Meredith could tell that was what his plan was. He had to apologize to her, or at least clear the air some.

"Make sure you turn the monitor on." Meredith said quickly as Derek marched up the stairs along with Kristy.

"I will." Derek agreed as he reached the top stair and went down the hallway. He could hear Kristy walking behind him. She had soft dainty steps. Her stride was shorter and less commanding than Meredith's. "Here you go, buddy." Derek said a he laid Sean down in his crib. Kristy looked at the name above Conner's and laid him down.

"They really are adorable." Kristy told Derek as she looked over at him. She was in shock at how gentle he was with them. He was a wonderful father, just as she knew he would be.

"I'm sorry, Kris. I am really sorry." Derek said with a smile as he looked at her. He felt like such an ass. "I know I was an ass." He admitted as they stood in the hallway.

"You were an ass, Derek Shepherd. A selfish ass. Do you have any idea how much you hurt my feelings?" Kristy asked frankly as she looked at him. She was so mad, and had been for some time. Mark had tried to calm her down, but she was red hot. "I just wanted to see them. God, you acted like I was going to move in and steal them from you." Kristy said sadly. "I just wanted to see my best friend's babies."

"I'm sorry. I was a jerk. I admit it. I just... I wanted to soak it up and have them to myself. I know that makes me and ass. I know. But I just felt like it needed to be us. Mer had nothing to do with it. This was all me. All me." Derek explained as he looked at her. "What I did was selfish and wrong, and I do regret it. You are more than welcome to come here. I just- I wasn't in my right frame of mind."

"You must not have been." Kristy said with a sigh. "Mark told me you would be like this. He said that you would be really protective over the twins. It's because they are Meredith's." Kristy told him frankly.

"Don't you say that. Don't you act like I love the boy's more than Cassidy. I can't believe you would even suggest that. You saw how I was with my daughter. She is the love of my eyes. She is loved no less, I promise you that." Derek growled. He couldn't believe that she or Mark had said that.

"I'm sorry... That was- I know you love her. I just... You love Meredith so much. you love her so much that you get overly protective. You act stupidly, Derek." Kristy pointed out. "But you take care of her. You do it because you love her."

"I do. I love her so much." Derek mused as he looked into the distance. "Are we okay?" Derek asked as he looked up at her. Kristy nodded and smiled.

"Yes... We are good." Kristy told him happily. She could never stay mad long.

--

Meredith sat on the sofa and smiled. She had been satisfied by her delicious lunch. There was nothing she loved more than barbeque from Peco's. But now she was hungry again. She was always hungry. She couldn't seem to stave off her hunger for anyone or anything. All she ever wanted to do was eat. She didn't realize that it was because she was breast feeding three babies. And her three babies were beasts.

"Meredith, are you tired?" Linda asked with concern as she looked over at her. Meredith was sitting there with her head laid back.

"Eh... A little." Meredith agreed with a smile. She was waiting for something. A delivery. She smiled as she looked up at the clock. It should be there anytime.

"You look exhausted, Mer." Kristy said quickly as she looked up at her. Everyone could see that Meredith was worn down and needed to take a break.

"I'm okay. I'm feeling pretty good." Meredith explained as as she sat up and tried to look halfway awake. "I feel great."

"If you say so, honey." Derek said as he shook his head. He could see her lids drooping. She had been up all day without a break. Kristy and Linda were attempting to help, but she was trying to so it all on her own. "Why don't you go upstairs and lie down?" Derek suggested as he rubbed her hand.

"I am waiting." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up. Derek looked at her in confusion. He wondered just what it was she was waiting for. "I am waiting."

"Waiting for what?" Derek asked with a chuckle as he looked around. She had just nursed the babies and all three were sleeping quietly. "Everything is quiet." Just as he said that, he heard the doorbell ring loudly. As the bell rang, the babies squealed loudly.

"Oh no..." Kristy said with a frown as she looked upstairs. "Do you want me to-"

"I will help you." Linda said with a nod and a smile. "Derek, you get the door. Meredith, you lay down on the sofa." Meredith looked up at her. She sure was good at commanding people. She had no problem telling everyone exactly what she thought they should be doing. She rolled her eyes and laid her head back.

"Meredith!" Derek said loudly from the door. Meredith looked up at him meekly. She caught a glance of his irritated face. Maybe he was irritated. He was more in shock.

"I'm hungry." Meredith said with a shrug as she looked up at the delivery men. The cravings were supposed to stop after the pregnancy, but for Meredith they were just starting.

"For pizza and subs?" Derek asked in shock as he handed the two separate men their tabs. The men looked at each other in shock. The woman was apparently hungry. Derek shook his head and shut the door. "Mom was going to make dinner, you know." He pointed out as he sat the two large pizzas and the three subs on the counter.

"But this sounded so good. I was hungry and all I could think about was food. And this was fast and easy." Meredith explained as she looked up at the food. She could smell it and it only made her mouth water more.

"And is this all for you?" Derek asked in shock as he opened up the pizzas. They did smell good, but it hadn't been long since they had eaten. He knew that he didn't need to eat again, no matter how much he wanted to.

"No. I was planning on sharing, Derek." Meredith snapped as she opened the box and looked at the meat lover's pizza. Meredith quickly grabbed a slice and smiled as she lifted it to her mouth.

"We don't eat meat pizza." Derek said frankly as he looked at her. "Why are we eating meat pizza?"

"I need the protein." She said with a nod as she took a huge bite and smiled. "It si so good. Pepperoni, ham, bacon, sausage... Yum!" She told him with a nod.

"It's disgusting. Those meats don't even go together." Derek told her as he shook his head and opened up the other box, which was covered with vegetables.

"What are we doing?" Linda asked in shock as she walked in on Meredith, eating like she hadn't eaten in weeks. She looked like a wild animal feasting on a carcass

"Apparently Meredith was hungry." Derek said with a laugh as he opened the subs to see what she ordered. Roast beef, turkey and ham. "Very hungry..."

"Is this all for you, Mer?" Kristy asked as she looked at the food. She couldn't help but laugh at her friend who was making a complete pig of herself.

"Well... No." Meredith said hesitantly. She had planned on eating her way through whatever she could. She was so starving all of the time.

"God, Mer... Are you pregnant?" Kristy asked as she looked at her. Linda and Derek both looked at each other. Kristy looked at them. Hmmm...


	183. Damn Tired

They all looked at each other in confusion. Derek looked at Meredith in shock. She couldn't be pregnant. They hadn't had sex. His heart started beating out of his chest. He knew she couldn't be pregnant, and yet here she was, eating up a storm. It may be the only thing that was off, but it was enough to make him worry. He knew better. he did know better. And yet, he wondered just what was going on. She had a grin on his face that made him wonder.

Linda looked between Meredith and Derek. She knew that Meredith was not supposed to have sex until six weeks after birth. But she also knew her son. She knew how they were together. She drew in a breath and wondered. It didn't feel right. Even if they had sex, she knew that Meredith was breast feeding. It may not be a surefire means of birth control, but she knew it wasn't likely that her daughter-in-law was pregnant.

Kristy didn't even think about the common sense. She was in a panic. Meredith regnant. They just had babies and now she was going to have more. She felt sick. She was so worried for Meredith's mental health and well being. It wasn't fair for her to be thrust into something she wasn't ready for. She couldn't believe this was happening.

"Seriously, guys?" Meredith asked as she burst into laughter. She couldn't believe they were even thinking it could be true. She had just had twins. They were w week old. The thought of Derek sticking his manhood inside of her was enough to make her sick. And there would be no way she would even know that quickly. "You guys are... Something. Definitely something." She said with a laugh

"I knew you weren't pregnant." Derek said with a laugh. "We haven't had sex!" He said boldly and then looked at Linda and Kristy. He was probably a little too bold for that statement.

"I knew you couldn't be." Linda said with a nod. "You are breast feeding." She told her with a nod. "You can't get pregnant..."

"Oh... Tell that to my sister. She though the same thing. Her kids are less than a year apart. That is not a good means of birth control." Kristy said with a nod. She had it better than Meredith, who had three tiny ones all around the same age.

"It does happen." Linda said with a nod and a smile. Meredith listened to them all talk while she stuffed pizza in her face and smiled.

"I think it would be horrible. I mean can you imagine having a baby and a once year old. I don't know what is worse. My sister had Alexis walking around, while David was screaming his head off. At least these guys are close enough that they will be doing almost the same things..." Kristy pointed out. It was true. They did have that too look forward to. They would be developing rather closely.

"Wow... When they all start walking... We will have to throw them in a large cage. The house will never be safe." Derek laughed as he looked around. "And Marley... He will probably ask to move with you, Kris."

"And Mark and I would gladly take him." Kristy agreed as she looked at the pizza. It was smelling too good, and she was needing a piece. She opened the box and looked down in horror. "God, Mer!" She said in shock as she looked at half of the pizza missing.

"I'm hungry." Meredith said with a shrug as she took a big bite.

"Let her eat, guys. She is feeding herself plus three babies. That is an amazing feat on it's own. You need you respect that." Linda told them with a nod. "She is hungry."

"I am. Thank you, mom." Meredith said with a smile. She was glad to have an advocate in the fight. The fight. For her right. To eat.

"Well, I'm just glad you aren't pregnant." Derek said with a nod. He knew she wasn't, but he still wondered.

"Well... I don't think it will be a worry much longer." Meredith said with a shrug as she took another bite of her eat covered pizza.

"Why is that?" Derek asked with confusion as he took a bite of his vegetable pizza. He hated the meat pizza. They both hated the meat pizza. He had no idea why she was eating it.

"Well... I made an appointment with Addison. I'm going to get a tubal ligation." She said with a nod as she looked around.

"You're what?" Derek asked as he dropped his pizza on the box in shock. This would never do. "What the hell do you mean, you are getting a tubal ligation?"

"Um... I'm getting a tubal ligation." Meredith said again. She had made the appointment, and she had been planning on telling him. She got so busy with the babies, she kept pushing it off.

"Then we won't be able to have anymore kids." Derek said in shock. He couldn't believe she was making a decision like this without talking to him first. He was so mad, he wanted to scream.

"Derek... You have three beautiful children. What more could you want?" Linda asked as she looked at Meredith sympathetically. She knew what it was to have five kids. She knew what it was to be a mom and nothing else.

"Two more." Derek said frankly. He always wanted a family the size of the one he grew up in. He wanted to have kids running wild all over the house. He at least wanted a choice. He wanted an opinion in the matter.

"Two more? God, Derek... What do you think I am? I am not a baby factory!" Meredith said loudly. She was overly emotional and tired. She couldn't take Derek in her face over this. She couldn't stand the thought of more babies. Especially when the three she had were still infants.

"Meredith, getting a tubal ligation... That is big. That is a huge decision. Are you really sure that you want to do it?" Kristy asked as she looked between Meredith and Derek. "Derek... He wants more. And if you do that..."

"I don't care! Is Derek going to carry them? He he going to go through the birth? No. He will do what he is best at. Nothing!" Meredith yelled loudly as she looked at him with fire in her eyes.

"Nothing? Nothing?" Derek asked with a mixture of shock and hurt. He couldn't believe she said that. He was there for her. He was helping. He may have been lax in the beginning, but now he was there and doing any and everything she told him to. And now she was saying he had been doing nothing. "I have been bending over backwards for you..." Derek said quickly.

"Derek... Knock it off. Having a family, it isn't a party. It takes work. Imagine what it will be like when you both go back to work. I am here now, but I won't be. I will be going home. And that means when you go back to work, Meredith will be here by herself. That is not easy. It's not easy by any means." Linda explained as she looked at her son.

"Derek... This is hard. This is so much harder than I thought it would be." Meredith explained as she looked around. She was exhausted from breast feeding. She was exhausted from the diaper changes. She was exhausted from the bathing. It was always something. She loved every minute of it, but that didn't change the fact that it was already wearing her down.

"Hello!" Mark said loudly as he walked in the front door. Derek looked over and sighed. He knew this wasn't a conversation that included Linda, Kristy, or Mark. It was something that they should be talking about to each other and no one else.

"Hey, Mark." Derek said with a nod as Mark walked in with a smile on his face. "How are you?"

"I'm great... Here to see the monsters." Mark pointed out with a chuckle. He looked around at the faces around him. They were so serious. They were so stern. He knew he was walking in on something, he just had no idea what. "So where are they?"

"Upstairs..." Meredith said with a smile. "The boys are sleeping. Cass is down here, but she is sleeping too."

"Of course. Uncle Mark comes over, and now they are sleeping." Mark said as he shook his head. He still couldn't believe they were all there. All the babies were in the world. Meredith and Derek actually made it. They finally got what they wanted.

"I'll take you to see them." Derek said with a nod and a smile as he walked towards the stairs. He needed to get out of that room. He needed to think about everything that was going on.

"What the hell is going on?" Mark asked as they walked into the twins nursery. He looked over at Derek before he walked up to the crib.

"Meredith..." Derek said quickly. "She just... She is being Meredith." Derek continued as he looked down at his sleeping sons.

"Yeah... I picked that up. You guys looked like you were in the middle of the battle of the century." Mark pointed out. "Shit... They are some cute little brats." Mark said in shock as he looked down at them. They were sleeping peacefully in their own cribs, both with content look on their face.

"They are so amazing, Mark. You have no idea." Derek told him with a smile. "I mean... I you just don't get it until you are there. You don't understand it until you see them. It's unconditional love. It's amazing."

"I can't imagine..." Mark muttered as he looked down. "So... Are you two okay?" Mark asked with a frown as he looked at them.

"We are.. I just- She said she wanted her tubes tied. She never talked to me about it. I mean, she made the appointment, and she never talked to me. She never asked if I was okay with it. And she just blurted it out." Derek said quickly as he looked at him. "I'm just shocked. I'm not even sure what to say about it."

"Well, Derek... You can't get mad at her. You guys just need to talk. She shouldn't have blurted it out, but she is tired. Just talk to her. I'm sure it will be okay. You both have your reasons. You guys just need to talk it out. Alone."

"You're right." Derek agreed as he looked into the eyes of his friend. Mark was always right. When it came to Derek and Meredith, he just knew. "We need to talk. I need to hear what she has to say..."

--

The day never seemed to end. Derek wanted to hear what Meredith had to say, but he wanted to do it when no one else was around. He didn't want to involve anyone. Not even his mother. As much as Derek lIked Mark and Kristy, he was glad when they left. He was looking forward to a quiet house. With three babies, that wasn't a realistic thing to look forward to. The house was never quiet. They only slept when they wanted to. They didn't care who they woke up.

"I need a bath. I'm just too damn tired." Meredith said with a frown as she pulled the sheets back. She wanted to sleep. Just sleep, and nothing else.

"Take a bath. It will relax you." Derek explained as he looked at her. They needed to talk. They needed to decide what they were doing. They had to make some serious life choices, and not alone.

"I don't have the energy." Meredith whined as she collapsed on the bed. She smelled like spoiled breast milk from the spit-up from Conner. She swore she smelled like Cassidy's poo. And she had Sean's urine on her. At the moment, she didn't care. She just didn't care.

"Mer... You are disgusting." Derek said in disgust. He could not sleep in the bed with her, knowing that she was soiling their bed. He loved their children, but that didn't change that he didn't want to sleep in their excrement. "You can't lay in the bed like that!"

"I don't care, Derek. I don't care." She groaned. "And if I don't don't care, too damn bad for you. You go do diapers and feed. And I swear, if I don't get this nursing bra off, I will kill someone, Derek. I will kill!" Meredith yelled as she yanked at it.

Derek looked at her in fear. She looked crazy as she ripped at her clothes. He knew she was tired, but he was in shock. She threw her shirt and nursing bra across the room and shouted. Derek looked at her as she began leaking her milk and crying hard. She was exhausted and couldn't take it. It was all too much.

"Mer..." Derek said sadly as he walked over and crawled on the bed with her. She was sobbing and leaking all over their bed. "It's okay, baby."

"You want more. You want more and I can't take it, Derek! I can't do it. You just don't understand. I'm so tired, I can barely take it. And your mom is here. She is helping. What good am I? I can barely handle the little bit that I do on my own. I'm worthless! I'm worthless!" She cried out as she looked into his eyes. He hated it when she had Christmas eyes, a mixture of red and green.

"Oh honey... You are not worthless. You aren't worthless at all." Derek told her as he pulled her close. She was soaking his shirt, but by this time, he didn't even care,

As he looked at this woman failing before him, he knew that it was her decision. He wanted more kids, but he couldn't do that to her. He couldn't let her suffer for his own selfish wants. They would talk about it, and he would hear her out. He couldn't make her do something that she couldn't handle. She was already stretched to the breaking point, and he was sure she was close to breaking.

"You need to nurse soon, don't you?" Derek asked as he looked at her chest. That was also a telltale sign. He swore she just nurse, but the babies were demanding and never gave her a moment's rest.

"Yes..." Meredith whimpered as she felt the pressure. "I need to." She cried as she held onto him. Derek stroked her hair and waited. They would be waking up soon. They would be beckoning. Derek shook his head as he looked at her. They would have to stop breast feeding. She couldn't keep doing it.

"There they go." Derek said as he heard the cry of a baby. It was always one, followed by two others. They were like dominos. Derek was beginning to think that separate nurseries was the key. The couldn't go on like this. It was too demanding.

"Oh god..." Meredith said as she pulled herself up. "Okay... Okay... I can do this." She said with a nod as she looked at the door. "Will you bring them in? The assembly line." She said as she closed her eyes.

Derek nodded his head and walked out. He was mad. He was mad that they were so beaten down. He couldn't be angry with their children, but he was upset. Not at them, just at the circumstances. He was seeing very quickly the reason that Meredith wanted the tubal ligation. As he walked in the nursery, he saw his mom there.

"I think Conner is the only one that is hungry. The other just woke up from him." Linda explained as she looked up. "Where is Meredith?" She asked as she looked around.

"If he is the only one, can you feed him what she has pumped?" Derek asked. "She can't do it, mom. She is too tired. She is in there crying." Derek explained as he looked down at Sean. He stroked his cheek gently until he soothes him back to sleep.

"Of course. There is enough milk to feed them all. You go to her, she needs her rest." Linda said with a nod as she looked at him. "Go take care of your wife." Linda reiterated as she pointed to the door. Derek nodded and walked out.

"So mom is-" Derek started as he walked in. He looked at Meredith. She was sleeping peacefully. She had laid her head back and was snoring loudly. Derek smiled as he walked over and laid her down. He gave her a soft kiss and climbed in the bed with her. The bed may be soiled, but she had a point. They were just too damn tired.

**Sorry guys! I have been busy with the new site, and life in general. I looks like I will be updating here like every other day. Yeah, life sucks. But do you know what improves life? Reviews! I'm sure of it.**


	184. Have to Go

The babies were asleep. It was the first time that they got up and the babies were actually still asleep. Meredith had gotten her much needed rest, and slept soundly the whole night through. She had needed it badly and it changed her whole outlook on life. She opened her eyes, having been laying there for a good amount of time in peaceful silence. It was nice to have silence, and she was sure Derek was enjoying the same thing.

"Are you awake?" Meredith whispered softly. She made sure she was barely audible. She didn't want to wake him up if he was sleeping, but if he wasn't, she knew they had to talk.

"Yes, I am awake. And I am enjoying the silence." Derek pointed out with a grin as he looked over at her. She was still naked, and their bed was still dirty, but at least they were feeling good and rested.

"Me too." Meredith agreed with a nod. "I can't believe I am naked... We didn't have sex, right? Addison said six weeks." She reminded him as she looked at herself under the covers.

"No... Oh god no. You were so tired, you feel asleep." Derek explained as he looked over. "You feel asleep right there." He added in disbelief.

"Wow... I don't even remember that." She told him with a frown. "I guess I must have been tired. I feel pretty good right now." She said with a smile. "And ew... Our bed is all gross. Why did you let me sleep here like this. God, I'm all ick." She said as she looked at herself, feeling the stickiness of her body.

"Well, I think we may have awhile before the creatures wake up. Would you like to take a bath with me, my darling wife?" He asked with a grin as he looked into her bright green eyes. He was glad she got some rest. Her eyes were green and light, fresh and new.

"I think that is a very good idea." Meredith pointed out. She longed for some quiet time with Derek. With the babies, they never had any intimate moments anymore.

"I'll go start it." Derek said with a smile as he climbed out of the bed and trotted across the room. He trotted softly. It had gotten to the point where he was fearful of waking the babies. He knew that they needed to do something to make them less sensitive, but yet they were just trying to enjoy whatever silence they got.

Meredith climbed out of the bed. She ran her hand down her abdomen. She was stretched out and flabby. She hated it. She wanted to work out and attempt to pull it all back together. She knew there was no way she could do it, she was having a hard enough time mustering up the strength to walk down the stairs. She walked around the plush carpeting of their room and walked into the warm bathroom. She sighed as she looked at the warm steaming water. It looked so welcoming in the garden bathtub. She couldn't wait to climb in, and actually be able to get out on her own.

"We need this." Derek pointed out. It seemed the conversation about Meredith's tubal ligation wasn't so important now. They had both been so tired, they didn't have the energy to fight about it. "So bad." He added as he pulled off his dirt pajamas and climbed into the bathtub. Meredith let out a sigh as she lowered herself into the water and laid against Derek.

"Ah..." Meredith sighed as she felt the hot water envelope her body. She felt Derek's arms wrap around her body as he pulled her against him in an embrace. "I think we need to talk..." Meredith told him with a nod.

"I think you are right." Derek agreed. He did want to talk about it, but he had been waiting for her to bring it up. He was seeing how emotionally drained she was. Postpartum depression had been a worry in the back of his mind and he was praying that she wouldn't end up with it. He was trying to keep her happy and healthy in hopes of staving it off.

"I want to hear what you have to say, Derek." Meredith told him as she laid her head to the side and let the warm water take her to a state of complete relaxation. "Tell me what you want me to do."

"Well Mer... It is your body. And I do understand that. You know whatever decision you make is fine with me. And it really is, I'm not just saying that. I just wanted in on it. I didn't want to be left in the dark. It's a huge decision, and while it is ultimately yours, I wanted to know about it." Derek explained as he ran the bath poof over her body, running water down her chest.

"I'm sorry it came out like that. I really am. I was just so tired, and cranky. And you seemed so sure of yourself... I lashed out and it wasn't right. I never should have brought it up in front of them. I apologize, Derek. I am so sorry." Meredith told him as she wrenched her neck to look at him. "Do you want more?"

"Yesterday, I was sure I was. But today... I just- I want the option. I know you could have it undone, but Mer, this is surgery. I mean, you could go on birth control." Derek explained as he looked at her. "It doesn't have to be permanent. Or at least semi-permanent."

"You know birth control messes me up." Meredith said with a frown. "But I see what you are saying. I guess right now we are bogged down. Maybe in two years we will want another one." Meredith agreed with a smile. "I can talk to Addie... Maybe there is a better option. Maybe in IUD." She told him with a nod.

"It is up to you, honey. I just want to know what you are doing, that's all." He told her as he kissed her on the neck. "I want what you want... You know that. I just want to be on the deal."

"I know you do, Der. And I think a tubal ligation was a little hasty and drastic." She told him with a frown. "I will talk to Addie." She agreed. "And I love you, Derek. I'm sorry I have been a little out there lately."

"It's called being a mom. You are exhausted. I can make allowances for that. Besides, I love you. I love you so much. And we can do this. One day at a time. i know it is overwhelming, but we have everything we could want. I mean, we have three babies and we thought we would have none. How much better could it get?" He asked with a smile.

"It can't. It really can't." She agreed as she drew in a breath. "We having everything we could ever want. She agreed as she grabbed her body wash. "And I am sure that they will be waking up sooner rather than later. We better get a move on."

"No rest for the parents of newborns." Derek agreed as he looked at her. "And I think that those babies need to have separate nurseries. Or at least the boys. Or maybe give the boys that nursery and give Cass a new one. Conner doesn't wake up easily and Sean is loud. It's Cass who is so sensitive. I think she should have her own nursery." Derek told her with a nod as he washed.

"I think you are right." Meredith agreed as she looked at him. "I think Cass does need her own room. She wants a girly room. We will get Kristy and Aaron on the job."

"I think that is a wise decision. Anything to get us some sleep." Derek told her with a nod as they began to rinse. Just as Meredith dove under the water for a quick rinse off, she heard a baby cry on the monitor. No rest for the wicked. Apparently they had been bad.

--

There were babies everywhere. At least that was how it felt. It seemed like everywhere they went, there was a baby. Or at least a baby item. Dirty diapers filled the trash cans. There was never ending laundry. Meredith was starting to do more and more of the responsibilities. She knew that Linda would have to go home eventually. She knew that eventually, all this would fall in her lap. The whole kingdom would be hers.

"It smells wonderful, Mom." Meredith said with a smile as she walked into the kitchen.

"Pork tenderloin, dear. You need as much protein as you can handle." Linda told her frankly. "You are nursing three babies for goodness sake. You look thinner. In fact, I know you are thinner." Linda said with a nod as she looked at Meredith.

"I am." Meredith admitted as she pulled up her shirt. She had a mess of stretched baby skin and her hipbones were jutting out. Linda frowned as she studied Meredith's body. She was disappearing. All because she wanted to do the best for her children. "I have lost weight, and I am left with this." She said as she grabbed the tiny pouch of skin.

"You will be fine, Meredith. I am sure of it. But you really do need to make sure you get some nutrition in your body. Your children are literally sucking the life right out of you." She told her as she mashed the potatoes. "And I know that Cassidy is your daughter. I do know that you want to do what is best for her. But I do think you need to consider putting her on formula. She has had ample time to get your colostrum and to get the beginning nutrients. You built her a fine base and that is wonderful. But now you need to take back your breasts and let her go." Linda told her frankly. "I know it is hard. I know you want to be the best mother you can be, but she most likely doesn't need it anymore. I think formula would suit her fine."

"I think you are right." Meredith said with a nod. "In fact, I asked Addison about that at their check-up. She said that it would be okay. I need to talk to Derek about it. I feel guilty taking her off the breast and continuing with the twins, but I think I have to." Meredith agreed as she took a sip of her water.

"You should be drinking juice or milk." Linda pointed out. Meredith sighed. She was used to the woman telling her what she needed. Usually she would either humor her and do it. Or she would say she would and continue on.

"I know, mom." Meredith agreed as she tugged at the drawstrings of her pants again. They always seemed to be slipping their way off. "I will have milk with dinner." She told her as she walked away.

Meredith walked out onto the back porch. Marley was laying out my the tree in the sun. He seemed perfectly content. He was always in a good mood and had gotten accustomed to the loud children and the chaos that seemed to follow him everywhere. These days she was happy to just stay outside if the weather was permitting. It was much quieter. And definitely more peaceful.

"Come here, Mar." Meredith said loudly as she walked over to the lounge chair and laid down. Marley happily bounded over and laid on her stomach. She was even noticing his heavy weight on her smaller frame. She smiled as she scratched his ears and felt the sun on her face. "You are such a good boy. Mommy hasn't forgotten about you. You were mommy's first baby, weren't you?" She asked as she closed her eyes and felt the heat of him and the sun on her body. The perfect combination.

Derek pulled up to his house. He loved coming home. It was so much different from the days when he would hideaway from Kristy in the deep dark confines of Mercy-West. He dreaded going home to anyone that wasn't Meredith. He had never thought that he would actually find her and they would have it all. He loved coming home to his wife and children. The right wife, and the perfect children.

"Hey mom." Derek said with a nod as he loosened his tie and threw his bag to the side. Linda immediately gave him a glare and he quickly picked it up and placed it where it went.

"That's what I thought." Linda said as she shook her head. "How was your day?" She asked him as she began placing their dinner on serving platters.

"It was good." Derek told her with a smile as he sniffed the air. He was starving and a meal prepared by his mother seemed like the perfect ending to his workday. "Where is Meredith?" He asked as he looked around and listened to the quiet house.

"I'm not sure. She disappeared just awhile ago. I think I heard the back doors open. Perhaps she is outside with Marley?" Linda suggested as she pulled the rolls out of the oven. "When you find her, let her know that dinner is ready... Oh, and Derek?" She asked, causing a pause in his rhythm.

"Yes?" Derek asked as he turned and looked at her. He was waiting for something. She was saying something important. She stopped her work and really looked at him. "What is it?"

"Meredith is thin. I'm sure you have noticed... She is trying. She is eating. But we talked today about discontinuing Cassidy's breast feeding. You really need to be supportive about this. I know she was really questioning it, but it is time. She is getting worn down."

"I agree, mom. She is getting very thin. She is giving everything she has to those babies. It's time to stop. At least with Cass. I will talk to her." He told her with a nod as he walked away. Derek smiled as he glanced up and saw Meredith laying on the chair with Marley on top of her. Derek opened the door and watched as Marley launched off of her and ran over.

"Damn-it, Mar!" Meredith shouted as she looked over. "That fucking hurt!"

"Hey, baby. Are you okay?" Derek asked as he walked over and sat next to her. She nodded her head as she ribbed her stomach. "Hey, Marley." Derek told the dog as he patted him on the head. "So how are you?"

"I'm good." Meredith told him as he pecked a kiss on her forehead. "I'm really good. Actually, mom and I were talking... I think it's time to start feeding Cassidy formula." Meredith told him with a smile. "I know she is just a baby... I know she is young, but I think it needs to be done."

"I think you are right, Mer." Derek said with a nod. "I think this is the right step."

"Really?" She asked as if it were the best thing she had hear in the world. She was so happy that he was agreeing with her. She needed him to agree with her. She needed the break.

"Of course." Derek told her as he pulled her close. "Now let's go get some meat on your bones." He said with a chuckle as he helped her up. Meredith nodded and walked alongside him. The smell of food made Meredith moan in hunger. She didn't realize just how hungry she was.

"It smells great, mom." Meredith said with a nod and a smile as she sat down in her seat. "Really great." She told her with wide eyes as she looked at the appetizing meal before her.

"Thank you, dear." Linda told her with a smile as she sat down and nodded for them to begin filling their plates. Derek took a healthy-sized bite of meat and smiled.

"I don't know what we will do when you have to go home." Derek said with a nod as he looked over at his mom. The minute their eyes met, he knew.

"Actually, that was something I needed to talk to you guys about." Linda said with a frown. "I ordered my ticket today. There are things going on at the church and Kathleen needs me. I need to get back. I need to leave tomorrow."

"Meredith looked up at her mother-in-law and frowned. That was not what she wanted to hear. That was one thing she wasn't ready for. She was no ready. But ready or not, here comes the fun.


	185. Way Too Much

It kept her up all night. Meredith couldn't stop thinking about it. She wondered why Linda was in such a rush. There was absolutely no warning. Meredith knew that she would be leaving eventually, but the truth was, she was hoping for later, rather than sooner. As much as the woman could get on her nerves, Meredith appreciated the help. And now that she wouldn't have it, it left her sleepless.

Meredith laid awake, waiting for one of the babies to start screaming. She was always waiting for them to yell. She was always waiting for them to scream for her in distress. It seemed like even when she was waiting, they caught her off guard. Meredith laid her head back and looked at the moon through their window. Aaron was going to start working on Cassidy's nursery tomorrow and she couldn't wait. They needed to be separated. Especially if Linda was leaving and she would be left to her own devices.

Meredith heard the sound of footsteps walking down the hallway. Linda was up. She sighed as she threw her blankets off and climbed out of the bed. She was hoping she didn't wake Derek up. There was no reason that three people in the house should be restless. She crept across their soft carpeting, grabbing her robe off the door and slid it on.

"Hey..." Meredith said softly as she walked in on Linda, who was sipping a cup of hot tea. "You're up..." She added as she looked at the woman.

"I wake up occasionally. I think the babies have me trained. That is something you will be getting accustomed to very soon." Linda told her with a frown.

Meredith looked at the woman. She was worried. She didn't like how hastily Linda was about going home. She though they would at least get a couple of weeks notice. And one day just wasn't enough. Meredith grabbed a glass of cold milk and sat down at the table with Linda. That was her offering. She wanted the woman to know that she would take care of herself.

"Why? Why so quickly. I thought you would at least phase us out. I didn't think-" Meredith began to whimper loudly as she looked at her. "Do you have to leave? Please... Please?" Meredith said as she burst into tears. "I can't do it! I can't!" She cried as she looked at her.

"Oh, honey..." Linda replied as she stood from her chair and wrapped her arms around her daughter-in-law. "It's okay, Meredith. You're okay." Linda exclaimed as she kissed her on the head.

"I can't do it! You have been doing everything and I- I- I just don't think I can handle it!" Meredith said breathlessly as she struggled to get the words out. "You do it all. I can't! I am worthless..."

"Oh, no. Meredith you don't say that. You are not worthless. And you can do this. If any woman can do this, you can. You are amazing. You are capable. There is nothing I would rather do than stay here and help you forever. I know that wouldn't do you any favors. You need to grow. You need to do this on your own. And you can. You have a husband who loves you. Derek will help you, you just have to remind him. And you have friends. Kristy would lay down and die for you. And I think I can say the same for Mark." Linda told her as she kissed her on the head gently.

"I don't want you to leave." Meredith whined as she looked up. "I just... I love you. And you have helped me so much. I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay here with me forever." Meredith admitted. She never thought she would form such and attachment to the woman.

"Oh honey... Now you are talking crazy. You know you don't mean that." Linda said with a chuckle. "You will be okay. I promise you... I wouldn't leave if I didn't think you could handle it."

"Is everything okay? Are you sick? Is Kathleen sick? I don't understand why you are leaving so quickly." Meredith said as she held the glass of milk, her hand shaking.

"Everything is fine, Meredith. Everything is just fine. The church called and they are having some issues with the book keeping. Kathleen and her husband are going out of town and they need me to watch the kids. Everyone sprung this on me. I called the airline and they got me a ticket at a good rate and I snatched it up. Everything is just fine, sweetie." Linda told her as she sat down on her chair.

"Okay." Meredith agreed as she looked up at her. She took in a deep breath and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her robe. Linda quickly stood up and brought her a box of tissues. "Thank you." Meredith told her as she grabbed one and blew her nose.

"Not a problem, dear." Linda told her with a nod as she sat back down and grabbed her tea.

"I'm just overly emotional. And you- In my mind, I don't have a mom. You are my mom. And I love you like my mom. And you leaving, it just breaks my heart." Meredith said as she began to whimper again. "Because I love you like my mom..."

"Oh, Meredith... I love you like a daughter. I love you as much as if I had given birth to you myself. It's a shame that you were stuck with the mother you have. But no matter what, you grew into an amazing person. I'm proud of you for overcoming all of that." Linda told her as she grabbed her hand and stroked it. "I love you too, Meredith. I do."

"Thank you, mom." Meredith said with a smile as she looked the woman in her eyes. "Thank you for being you. And thank you for Derek. I don't think I could go on without him." Meredith said with a frown as she thought about it.

"Well, thank goodness you don't have to." Linda told her frankly. "You finish your milk. You need to get some rest. So do I." Linda told her as she took a long sip of her tea. Meredith nodded. She was heartbroken. She didn't want to see her leave. It felt like she was leaving a big hole on her heart. And that broke it.

--

Derek was worried. He didn't want to leave Meredith alone. It wasn't that he didn't think she could handle it. It was that he didn't want her to have to handle it. There was no way they were going to drag three babies with them to the airport. Not with the chaos, security and the germs. Meredith and Derek both agreed that Linda couldn't ride there in a cab. She at least deserved someone to take her there and wave goodbye as her plane disappeared.

"Are you sure you will be okay?" Derek asked for the umpteenth time. He was so worried that something would go wrong and she would panic.

"Derek, you have asked me that a thousand times. Yes, I will be fine. God, the twins spend ninety-nine percent of their time sleeping, and Cassidy not much less. Besides, Aaron will be here in awhile. If there is an emergency, he can help." Meredith told him with a smile as she watched Linda gather her bags.

"If you are sure." Derek said with a frown as he looked over at his mother. He could tell that Linda had all of the confidence in the world as far as Meredith was concerned. That gave him some comfort as he picked up the bags.

"Goodbye, dear." Linda said with a smile as she pulled her into a warm embrace. "You will be fine." She whispered into Meredith's ear as she gave her a kiss. "If you need me, I will come back. I have a feeling you won't." She added as she gave her one final squeeze.

"Thank you... Thank you so much for all of your help." Meredith said sadly as she let a tear fall. She couldn't seem to be able to keep her emotions in check. She was all over the map. She was sad about Linda's departure, but she wasn't that sad.

"Don't cry." Linda told her with a smile as she lifted her chin and looked into her bright green eyes. Derek walked the bags out to the car and gave them some time alone. "Do not cry." She told her again. "You will be fine."

"I know... I know. I just can't seem to be able to control myself." She told her as she dropped her head in shame. "I really am okay." She explained with a sigh. "Just emotional."

"I know you are." Linda told her as she squeezed her hand. "I need to go. But Meredith, anytime, day or night, you call me."

"I will." Meredith agreed as she looked at Linda. Linda smiled as she turned and walked away. Meredith listened to the door click and looked around. She was so alone. She had never felt so alone in her life. Not since before Derek came back into her life. That was the last time that she felt so low.

Meredith walked over to the sofa and laid down. As she laid there, she let the sobs take over her body. She was in pain. She was in emotional pain and she didn't even know why. She took gasping breathes as she laid there, tears pouring from her eyes. She wanted to stop but she couldn't. She couldn't stop herself. It was like a wave that wouldn't stop crashing.

"Hello?" Aaron said as he walked in. He was accustomed to walking in when he worked in their house. They had all formed a friendship and had gotten close. Meredith and Derek both trusted him to come in without notice. Of course she always tapped on the door respectfully, but Meredith didn't even hear it.

Aaron stood there in shock. He didn't move. He wasn't really sure what to say or do. He didn't know if he should rush upstairs or if he should say something to her. He didn't feel right about writing her off and letting her lay there, especially when he didn't know why she was crying. For all her knew, she could be in pain or injured. He decided that he needed to say something. Even if it would be uncomfortably awkward.

"Dr. Grey... Meredith?" Aaron asked as he approached the sofa. "Are you okay? Is something wrong?"

"What?" Meredith asked as she jumped up and wiped her eyes dry. She had no idea he was in there and now she felt foolish. She looked at him with her red-rimmed eyes and nodded her head yes. "Yes... Yes, everything is okay." She said with a smile as she stood up from the sofa. She prayed for a baby to cry. It was one of the rare times, but right now, she wanted it. Something had to save her.

"You're sure? You aren't hurt or anything?" He asked as he looked her over. Physically she looked fine. Mentally, she was looking more than down.

"I am. I just- Derek's mom just left and I am a little blue." She explained as she looked away. "Um... The room, you know which one it is, right?" She asked as she looked towards the stairs.

"I do." He said with a smile as he picked up his bag and looked into her eyes. "I will just get to work." He added as she rushed up the stairs.

Meredith stood there and frowned. She didn't want him to think she was crazy. She didn't want anyone to worry. She was just sad. She was just a little down. She would be fine. She was hoping Aaron wouldn't say anything to Derek. She didn't want Derek to worry. She knew he worried too much as it was. As she stood there and stared off into space, she heard a baby cry. Now the fun began. Now was the true test. Could she handle it?

Meredith rushed up the stairs. She knew if they all decided to sound off at the same time, she was in big trouble. She drew in a breath as she walked into the nursery. Just as she got into the room, she looked around, trying to figure out which one of the boys was crying. Meredith quickly walked over to Sean's crib and smiled. He was whimpering loudly as he thrashed himself. Meredith quickly scooped him up and walked over to the changing table. She stuck her finger in the diaper and felt the wetness.

"You are wet!" She told him as she peeled open his onsie and opened the tabs of his diaper. She pulled off the wet diaper as he started kicking furiously. "Oh, you calm down. Mama is going as fast as she can!" Meredith explained as she reached for a clean diaper. When she went to wipe him, he let out a loud cry, waking the others. "Oh no! Why did you have to do that?" She asked as she quickly placed the diaper on him. The louder the other two got, the louder he did.

Meredith was in a panic. She told Derek she wouldn't panic, but now she was. right now, she was panicking. She had three crying babies and a mess on her hands. Sean was flailing as she tried to push the tabs on his diaper. She knew he was probably hungry, as were the others, but she only had two boobs and the ability to nurse one at a time.

Cassidy began to wail loudly at the upset the other two were causing. She didn't like loud noises. No matter what it was, she would close her eyes tightly and cry. Meredith was constantly tiptoeing around the house trying to keep things quiet. She quickly lifted Sean up, giving him a kiss, and then placed him in the crib. She continued to cry, not understanding why she was abandoning him.

Meredith looked at the other two. Conner seemed to be in more dire need. Cassidy was just upset. She had been sleeping soundly until she heard the cries of her brothers. Meredith quickly grabbed Conner and placed him on the table. S he could tell by a whiff that she had a stinky diaper. She smelled it and felt it go right through her stomach.

"Oh god!" He spat as she leaned over and retched into the garbage can. She kept one hand on him, and the other on her stomach. "Yeah buddy... You made a stink." She told him as she wiped her mouth on her sleeve. "Oh, don't look so satisfied... That was not nice." Meredith explained as she grabbed for a wipe.

Meredith wiped Conner's bum and looked down at his smiling face. He was a happy baby. He was definitely the most pleasant. Sean was a grumpy guy, and Cassidy was a whiner. But Conner was always bright and cheery. Almost too bright and cheery. Especially when she was wiping his dirty butt and he was laughing at her.

"We need to hurry you up. Your sister is having a whiney fit!" She told him as she snapped his onsie up and gave him a soft kiss. "We need to deal with her. She is such a drama queen." Meredith explained as she looked up. Conner looked at her and smiled. She quickly grabbed him and walked him over to the crib. S he gave him another soft kiss and laid him down. The minute she took her hands off of him, her was wailing.

Meredith quickly picked up Cassidy and held her close. She did her usually sticking the finger in the diaper and felt nothing. Cassidy was just being herself. She was being a big pain in the neck. Meredith shook her head and looked at the clock. She was sure that Cassidy was hungry. She quickly walked her over to the crib and laid her down. She needed to get her a bottle. She was slowly weaning her off of the breast milk.

Meredith rushed down the stairs. Her heart was pumping. She could hear her children all in distress. She had been clam, but now she was in a panic. She had no idea how she was going to keep them all relaxed. She didn't know how to keep them all happy. She was finding it impossible to keep them happy and to keep herself sane. Meredith rushed, trying to get the bottle and herself back up to the room. She slid three times trying to get into the room. When she walked in, all she heard was a riot.

"It's okay! It's okay!" She said in a panic as she looked around. She had no idea which one to chose. No idea. She looked around at each of them. She knew that Cassidy would never sleep until the other two did. She looked at Sean who was red in the face. She was worried so she grabbed him first. She didn't want him in distress. "Calm down, buddy." She said as she picked him up and carried him to the chair. The other two cried loudly as she lifted her shirt.

Meredith felt like and ass as she sat there. She had to pick one. She felt like a bad mom for picking one baby over the the others. Meredith felt the tears come to her eyes as she nursed her son. She couldn't stop the tears as he nursed softly, the other wailing in the background.

"Please stop, guys. Please stop..." She begged as she looked over at them. She couldn't take it. It was too much. Too much pressure. Too much crying. Too loud. She closed her eyes and sobbed as she nursed him, going down the line. It seemed like it never ended. She couldn't even think, her brain was fried. Meredith placed Cassidy in her crib and looked at the mess that surrounded her. Just was she went to clean off the changing table, the power fell, spilling all over. Meredith looked down at it and burst into tears. She collapsed on the floor in a pile. Too much. Way too much.

**Someone said this fic was burned out... You know what I say? Review and prove them wrong!**


	186. Interesting

Derek was going to miss his mother. He had always been close to her, but when Meredith died and he married Kristy, they had drifted apart. He was looking forward to having his family back to himself. He was excited to see how his family was going to grow. He was ready to go in head first and start raising his family. All he thought about on his way home was his wife and children. He couldn't seem to get home fast enough. As he pulled into the garage, he noticed Aaron's van there. He was glad to know that he was there if Meredith had an emergency.

Derek walked into the quiet house. Part of him was expecting to walk into a war zone. He was somewhat shocked that it was so peaceful. Derek pulled his shoes off and tossed them to the side. He knew that they would need to be keeping the house clean if Meredith was going to be doing all the work, and not have Linda there to help.

"Mer?" He said softly as he walked through the house. He didn't want to wake the twins. He would rather shoot himself in the head. "Meredith?"

Derek listened quietly. He heard something. It was faint crying, but definitely not the babies. It was Meredith. He walked over to the counter and grabbed the baby monitor. She was in their nursery and she was crying. Derek started to panic. He dropped the monitor and ran up the stairs. He was concerned that something was wrong.

Derek was in shock. He walked in, seeing her on the floor in the fetal position. She was covered in powder and her hair was a mess. She was truly a sight for sore eyes. Derek rushed over and sat next to her. He placed his hand on her back and didn't say a word. He softly stroked her back and listened to her cries. She just needed to know he was there.

"It was too much. It was way too much." She told him as she looked up with her red-rimmed eyes. "They wouldn't stop. I had to pick... I had to pick one over the other!" Meredith cried as she looked up. "I shouldn't have to pick..."

"Oh, honey. It's okay." Derek said with a smile as he laid beside her. "Sometimes you will have to chose. It don't mean that you love one more than the other. It just means you had to chose."

"I don't want to pick." She told him as she looked up. "I can't keep them happy. Conner is the only one that ever seems happy. Cassidy whines and Sean is a grump." She told him as the tears ran down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I should have never left you. I should have let mom go in a cab." Derek told her as he kissed her head. "I'm sorry I threw you into this. It was hard enough with all three of use." Derek told her with a frown.

"I'm okay. I really am." Meredith said as she sat up and looked around. Derek could tell by the red mark on her face that she had been laying there for a long time. "I just... It was really scary, Derek."

"I know it was. I won't do that to you again." Derek agreed as he kissed her again. "Are you hungry? Would you like some lunch?" He asked as he helped her to her feet.

"Yeah... I'm starving." Meredith muttered as she stood up. She wiped her sleeve over her eyes and drew in a breath. Derek placed his hand on the small of her back and led her down the hallway. "Maybe we should ask Aaron what he wants?" Meredith asked as she looked over.

"That would be nice." Derek agreed with a nod as he leaned in and kissed her temple. "But we are having whatever you want." He told her firmly. He wanted her to be satisfied. He didn't want her worrying about what everyone else wanted or was doing.

"Aaron?" Meredith asked as she walked into Cassidy's future nursery. Meredith and Derek were giving him free rein with this one. They were letting him decide what it should look like. The only stipulation was that it had to be feminine. They knew that he saw a lot and would probably have some fantastic ideas. Not to mention, his wife was an interior designer. "We were going to order some lunch. Most likely from the deli that delivers. They have a wonderful roast beef sandwich. And they have these amazing bagel sandwiches. Would you like something?"

"Um... Sure." Aaron said with a smile as he looked up at her. "A bagel with cream cheese and turkey would be great." Aaron told her with a nod.

"Okay... And what do you want on it? Any vegetables?" She asked with a smile as she looked at him. "They have just about everything..."

"Well, I will have tomato, onion, cucumber and olives." He told her with a smile. "On a salt bagel." He told her happily as he continued to work.

"Sounds good. I will go order that. Derek... I know what you want." Meredith told him with a smile as she looked at him. She waited for him to change his mind, but he didn't. She took that as her cue to go. Derek looked around the nursery. He was impressed with what Aaron had done. Aaron took in a breath. He wondered if he should say anything to Derek about how he had found Meredith earlier in the day. He drew in a breath and decided that he should.

"Dr. Shepherd... Normally I don't make things my business. Normally, I would let things go... You and Dr. Shepherd are great, and I wouldn't feel right about not saying something. It's about Meredith..." He said regrettably. Derek looked up. He was worried.

Derek stood there for a moment. About Meredith. He didn't like the sound of that. When it was said that way, it made him think there was something he didn't know. Derek liked to think that he knew everything about his wife. He knew that everyone had things they kept to themselves, but between he and Meredith, those things were few and far between. Derek drew in a breath. Aaron was obviously going to tell him. The question was... Did he want to know?

"What about Meredith?" Derek asked quickly. He was almost a little too short with Aaron. He didn't mean to be, but it was obvious that he was irritated that there was something he didn't know about.

"It's-" Aaron started before he stopped himself. He was wondering if he was stepping into a mine field. He didn't want to start any unnecessary problems between them, but if something stupid happened, he would feel bad. He knew that Meredith was a strong woman, but he also knew what it was to be trapped with the children when you knew nothing.

"Go on. If something is going on with my wife, I need to know about it." Derek said frankly as he looked into the man's eyes. "Meredith and I don't have secrets. And anything that is a worry for her, is a worry for me. So just tell me what is going on." Derek told him as he stood there and looked into his eyes.

"Well, I wouldn't say anything if I didn't think I needed to. Maybe I don't even need to... I have no idea." Aaron thought aloud as he looked at the floor. He finally looked up at Derek and frowned. "I came in this morning, like I always do. And I found Meredith on the sofa. She was crying. She was pretty upset." Aaron told him frankly.

"Really?" Derek said in shock as he looked up. He wasn't really in shock, but he was a bit surprised. It seemed she was crying more than she was letting on. "Did you say anything to her?" Derek questioned as he stood there. He was hoping that she didn't pop in before he heard all that the man had to say.

"I asked her if she was okay, and she said she was. She told me that she was upset about her mother-in-law leaving. I never thought she was okay, but with all due respect, you can't really argue with her. I decided it was best to let her go and then tell you." Aaron told him with a nod.

"You are right about that. Meredith is perpetually fine. I have learned that a very long time ago. It seems she is getting worse." Derek said, more to himself than to Aaron. "Hey... Thanks for telling me. I really appreciate it. I just... You know, they say it takes a village. Well, it takes a village to watch over Meredith."

"I gathered that." Aaron told him with a nod. "And if I see anything else, I will let you know."

"Thank you. I'll let you know when the food is here." Derek told him with a nod as he walked out.

Derek walked down the hallway. He was glad that Aaron said something. He didn't like being left in the dark. He didn't like that Meredith was crying when he wasn't around. He needed to make sure she was okay. He wasn't going to find out in six months that she had been suffering from postpartum depression and was suicidal. He didn't want to find her after she had hurt herself, or their children.

"Are you feeling okay, Mer?" Derek asked as he walked into the kitchen. He didn't want her to think he was attacking her. He needed to keep it neutral. He needed to stay on an even playing field where she didn't feel like she was being taken down.

"I feel really good. A little hungry, maybe." Meredith explained as she took a sip of cranberry juice and leaned back against the counter.

"No, Mer... I mean emotionally. Are you okay? I'm not- I just found you in the nursery, and I want to make sure you are okay. I don't want you to suffer. You can tell me anything. You know that, right?" Derek asked as he put his hand on her cheek.

"Yes, Derek... I know that." She told him as she bit her lip and looked down at the floor. Derek could see the tears escaping her eyes.

"Oh, Mer... What is wrong, baby?" Derek asked as he placed on hand behind her back and the other behind her head. Meredith fell into his chest and cried. She didn't want to cry, but she couldn't help it.

"I'm okay... I'm just emotional." She explained as she looked up at him. He could see the tears pooling. They were so clear and sad. "I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I just feel stretched so thin. I feel like I can't do it all. I want to, but I can't Derek."

"Okay. This is good. You admitted you can't do it. How would you like to get a nanny? Would a nanny help? She wouldn't have to stay, but she could maybe come a few hours a day. Or even someone to pick up on the housework. I know you can't do it all, Meredith. No one expects you to." He told her with a smile. "That is not admitting you can't do it. Three babies... We need help." Derek told her with a smile.

"Yes..." Meredith agreed as she looked up at him. "I need help. I just...a little help." She moaned as she laid next to him. But not just anyone would fit the bill. These were her babies.

--

Meredith came walking down the stairs with a huff. She was tired, but she was done. She had went through the assembly line that were her children. She had to do it in steps. Usually, she would nurse Sean, the grumpy one, first. While she was nursing Sean, Cassidy would remain in the carrier and she would bottle feed her. She would always finish with Conner, who seemed just as happy going last as going first. She would try to pick Cassidy up and nurse her at least once a day. She didn't want her to feel like she was left out. And that was how it went. An assembly line.

"You look tried." Derek told her with a frown as she came down the stairs. She had told him to start dinner while she fed the babies. She was getting somewhat used to it, but not enough that Derek was letting her get out of hiring a nanny.

"I'm actually feeling good. What time is it?" She asked as she walked into the kitchen. Derek looked at the clock on the wall and sighed.

"It's almost time. It will be fine, Mer. We want this. This will be good for all of us." Derek told her as he rubbed her shoulder with his free hand.

"I don't know, Derek. It doesn't feel right. It just doesn't feel right to me." Meredith admitted as she took in a breath of the stir fry that was in front of her. It looked amazing. She loved the way that the different colors looked in the pan. It awoke her senses and made her stomach cry out. "It looks good." She said as she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Mer... Are you saying you It doesn't feel right because it doesn't... Or because you don't want it to?" Derek asked with a raised brow. He could tell by the look on her face that he had hit the nail on the head. Meredith wasn't worried about the nanny, she just didn't want to do it.

"We have looked at a lot, Derek. And sure, they have references, but what does that mean? People lie, Derek. People lie all of the time." She moaned as she laid her back against the counter and rubbed her face.

"Let's just interview some more and see how it goes from there, okay?" He asked with a smile as he pinched her cheek. "I know you are apprehensive, but you really need the help, Meredith. You need the help pretty badly. And I am here now..."

"But eventually you will escape and go back. Eventually you will leave me in this hell." She teased as she looked over. "It's not hell. This is what we wanted..." She mused as she closed her eyes and smiled.

"Is this really what you wanted?" Derek asked as he looked over. Part of him was afraid of the answer. Part of him was in fear that she would say she regret having the kids. He did not regret them. Not ever. Not even for a second.

"No! No... I could never regret them. I love my kids. Am I tried? Of course I am tired. But I do not regret them. And this is everything I ever could have wanted." She told him with a big nod as she stirred the rice.

"Okay." Derek told her as he looked into her eyes. It was the truth. She wasn't regretting it. She wasn't regretting it at all. She was just tired, but he could see that she was satisfied. "I believe you. So how are they?"

"Oh... Ask me how our kids are... You get to sit down here and good with I slave the poo dragon." She laughed as she grabbed a red pepper out of the pan. "I love slaying the poo dragon. And they were good. Stinky needs a bath." She told him with a smile.

"Poor Conner... You are always calling my Con-man stinky." Derek muttered as he shook his head. "They all get stinky."

"Yeah... But he is the worst." She told him frankly. "In fact, he peed on my. Again. He is always peeing on me." She pointed out. "And he laughs. I know he is a baby, but he knows what he is doing."

"Yeah, I'm sure he does. He gives you that look. I think he holds it in, and then let's it blow the minute you get his diaper off. He never does that to me." Derek said with a laugh as he spooned the food onto a plate.

"He must just love his daddy best. It's okay. It really is. I can take it. I walk around with these big milk jugs all day and what do I get? Pissed on." Meredith said with a frown as she grabbed the silverware. Just as she reached for the plates, she heard the doorbell ring. This one was early. It seemed to range. They were either right on the second or early. One even showed up an hour late. "I will get it. We will eat when she leaves." Meredith groaned as she looked up at him.

"Okay." Derek told her as he put the food in the oven to keep warm.

Meredith walked towards the door. She took a peek out the side window. She loved that feature of their house. She could see who was standing at the door from the side. As she parted the curtain, she froze. No way. She could not have it. No way. She looked up at a girl who had on all black. Pink hair, and tattoos all over her body. She had a spiderweb crawling up her neck.

"Derek!" Meredith whispered loudly as she began waving for him to come over. Derek gave her a puzzled look and rushed over. She pointed as she parted the curtain, showing him who was out there.

"Oh." Was all Derek said. He looked a little shocked, but didn't say another word. "I'll get the door."

"Are you kidding me? NO WAY!" She said as she stomped after him.

"We can't discriminate, Mer. Besides...Maybe she will be great." Derek pointed out with a nod. Derek clenched her jaw. She was not happy.

"No! No, Derek. No fucking way." Meredith growled as she chased after him. "Do you see her? They will have nightmares. They will have nightmares! This is not right. I will not allow this. No way will I allow this." She said as she grabbed his arm.

"Meredith... Calm down. It is what is on the inside that counts. Besides, she may be amazing with children." Derek told her with a nod. "Just because we let her in, doesn't mean that we have to hire her." He explained to her with a smile as he unlocked the door.

"Hi... I'm here for the interview." The girl said with a smile as she looked at them. Meredith looked at her smile. It was beautiful. She didn't understand why such a beautiful girl would do that to herself. "Tracy."

"Yes... Of course. I'm Derek, and this is my wife, Meredith." Derek explained as he shook her hand and urged Meredith to do the same. Meredith begrudgingly shook the girl's hand. She had already formed an opinion of her and she was sure nothing could change that.

"It's nice to meet you." She said with a smile as she stepped into the house.

"Why don't we go into the living room?" Derek suggested as he walked. Meredith walked behind the girl, shooting daggers into Derek's back. "Please, sit down." He told her as he motioned. "Now, what can you tell me about yourself?" He asked as he stood there with the notebook that he had been writing all of the information in.

"Well, I have been watching kids since I was young. I come from a huge family. I have nine brothers and sisters. I have taken courses on how to do CPR on babies and small children." She explained as she looked up at them. Derek nodded. He was impressed by that alone. Only a handful of the applicants knew how to do it.

"What are you currently doing?" Meredith asked, hoping that she would come up with some off the wall thing that would discredit her.

"Right now, I am taking classes at the university. I am majoring in Biochemistry." She explained as she looked up at them.

"So would your school schedule interfere with this job?" Meredith asked as she looked over at Derek. Derek glared at her, knowing what she was doing. "I mean, could you handle them both?"

"Oh yes... Right now, I have class two full days a week. I have the other five free. I'm willing to work as often as you need me to." Tracy told them with a smile. "I am actively working on my degree, and would like to get into biotechnology."

"Impressive." Derek said with a smile. "Have you always had an interest in that?" Derek asked as he looked at her. She was growing on him. It was true that looks didn't matter and it was that was on the inside that counted.

"I have." She said with a smile. "So... The babies. How old are they?" She asked as she looked around, wondering where they were.

"They are six weeks and twelve weeks." Derek told her with a nod as looked over at Meredith. Tracy gave him a look of confusion and he knew exactly why he was getting that look. "We used a surrogate because Meredith was unable to hold a pregnancy. She unexpectedly became pregnant. In essence, we have triplets." He told her with a smile. "Would you like to see them?"

Meredith gave Derek a glare. The girl was growing on her, but she still wasn't sure. Now Derek was wanting to show her the babies. None of the possible nannies had seen the babies. They didn't think it was necessary. Meredith huffed. It seemed that Derek was making his own plans. He was doing whatever he pleased as far as Tracy was.

"That would be great." Tracy said with a smile as she took Derek's lead and climbed to her feet. They quickly walked up the stairs. Meredith stayed on the sofa, trying to figure out what to do. She did know that every single person they interviewed she deemed un-hireable. She was sure that there was no one would be good enough, and maybe she needed to just settle. Or at the least, follow Derek's lead.

"Well, here are my references, along with my schedule." Tracy said with a smile as she handed Derek the crisp white sheets out of the bag she was carrying. "I hope you keep me in mind."

"You are on the list." Derek said with a smile as she walked to the door. "Have a good day." He told her as he opened it and let her out. Derek looked over at Meredith who was sitting on the sofa rolling her eyes.

"You liked her..." Meredith said with a sigh.

"She was great, Mer." Derek explained as he looked at her. "If you look past the-"

"Huge tattoos and black clothing." Meredith said with a sigh. "You like her... And she is- She's nice. I mean, she is qualified. If she is who you think we need, I trust your judgement." Meredith told him with a raised brow. They would definitely have the most interesting nanny in the area.


	187. Right In The World

Meredith laid in the bed. They were crying. Not one. Not two. All of them. She knew that she needed to get in there, but it was the sixth time in the last three hours. She was sure that they were plotting against her. Tracy was supposed to start tomorrow, and Meredith couldn't wait. She felt terrible thinking that way, but it was the truth. She needed help and she needed it badly.

"Make them stop!" Derek groaned as he rolled over and covered his head with his pillow.

"No! It's your turn. You get them, you ass." Meredith spat as she glared at him. Derek made no movement. She could tell that he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't even trying. She knew he had a long day, but in her book, that was no excuse.

"Eh... I can't." He groaned as he rolled away and pulled the blankets up over his shoulders. "I had an aneurism that took forever." He muttered as he closed his eyes.

"That is it! Derek Shepherd, that is it!" Meredith shouted as she laid on her back, spun around, placing two feet on his side. Meredith gave him the hardest shove she could. Derek gasped and landed with a hard thud. "Get your ass in the nursery." Meredith growled as she grabbed his pillow and started breathing him on the head with it. "I'm tired. And you may be too, but you know what? I don't care. I have to keep going, so will you!"

"Holy shit, Meredith! Stop!" Derek shouted as he ducked his head and closed his eyes. "Stop! Stop! I'll go. I will go." Derek cried out as he jumped up. "God..." He mumbled as he walked out the door. "Talk about grumpy."

"Grumpy? I will show you grumpy!" Meredith spat as she jumped out of the bed and rushed to the door. "Sleep on the sofa!" She yelled as she slammed the door and flipped the lock. A smile crossed her face. She showed him. She showed him good.

Meredith walked over to the bed and smiled. A warm big bed all to herself. Meredith pulled back the blankets, and grabbed Derek's pillow. She was going to take the whole thing to herself and enjoy it. She buried her head and covered herself all of the way up. Meredith took in a deep breath and closed her eyes. A perfect rest.

Derek grumbled as he went down the hallway. He knew he needed to do this, but he was exhausted. His emergency surgery had many complications and seemed to go on forever. In his heart he knew that what Meredith had been doing all day was just as hard, if not harder. She had caught him off guard, when he was tired. He was more than willing to help. They were his children too.

"Oh, guys... You're okay." Derek said softly as he walked in. He knew at that moment, exactly how Meredith felt. He wasn't sure where to go first. They were all so upset, and he had no idea what to do. "The grumpy one... Sean. I will take you. What is wrong with the grumpy man?" Derek asked as he gave him a kiss on the face. "The grump is wet. Okay, we can do something about that." Derek agreed as he laid him down, trying not to get frazzled by the nonstop crying of his children.

Derek laid Sean back down and listened to him cry. There was nothing else he could do for him. He knew that Meredith had just nursed the twins, and Cassidy had a bottle earlier. None of them were hungry. None of them needed anything. They just needed to get changed and be coddled. Derek went through them all, giving them the attention they needed.

"Okay, Sean... You get happy. Conner, wipe that smile off your face... It's not nice to torture daddy. In fact, it is really mean. And Cass, you need to chill. You are way out there honey. There isn't even any drama to be had yet." Derek said with a laugh as he looked into her blue eyes.

"Eh...Eh..." Cassidy whimpered as she watched Derek leave. The twins had already closed their eyes and gone to sleep. "Eh...Eh..." She went on, ready to cry loudly. Derek drew in a breath and rushed back to her. He quickly scooped her up and pulled her against his chest.

"You are such a big girl. So sweet. You are the sweetest girl in the world." Derek told her as he rocked her gently. "You look just like your mommy. You are so sweet. My angel." Derek told her as he kissed her softly "Go to sleep." He told her as he rubbed her head. She looked up and him and gently closed her eyes. Derek smiled. For once, one of them actually listened to him. He gently laid her down in her crib, covering her with a soft blanket.

Derek looked at his sleeping children. He had to laugh. He knew that if Meredith had been the one to come in there, it would have been a lot worse. It seemed he always got them when they were good. He was fortunate to get the children when they were only a touch whiney and needy. When Meredith got them, they would go on for an eternity.

Derek trudged back down the hallway. He was still tired, but he felt better. He felt as if he had accomplished something. He felt as if he made a difference. He wanted Meredith to know that he was there and willing to help. He placed his hand on their door handle and turned it. It didn't move.

"Seriously?" He asked himself as he stood there. He could hear her snoring. At least she was getting some rest. He let out a sigh and walked towards the guest room. Sleep was good. He would take it. No matter where it was.

--

Derek sat at the table eating his muesli. Meredith said she could handle it. She told him specifically that she had it. Tracy would be coming, and he needed to eat his breakfast. A smile covered his face as he sat there. She could not handle it. He could hear her. She was not doing a good job handling it. Not at all. It sounded as if she were ready to go into battle.

"Are you kidding me?" She growled as she looked down. She had turned her head for a second and Sean had put his hands on his dirty diaper and was now playing with it. "Oh my god! Sean!" Meredith whined as she picked him up. "That is ick. Gross." She told him frankly.

Sean scowled as Meredith grabbed him, holding him away from her and walked downstairs. She had to take him to the kitchen sink. The bathroom sinks were either too small or too slippery. She only felt confident in the kitchen. She slowly walked down the stairs, praying she wouldn't trip. When she hit the floor, she picked up her pace. The boy was stinky.

"Oh god!" Derek gasped as she rushed in. "What is that?" He asked dumbly. He knew exactly what it was. Not only had he smelled it when they entered, but he could see the telltale color all over his body.

"What do you think it is, Derek? I mean... Seriously." She told him as she rolled her eyes. "Damn it." She muttered under her breath. "God, Sean... You stink. Why do you have to stink, my son?" She asked as she looked into his bright blue eyes.

"Ba ba ba..." He said. She swore he was mocking her. He was laughing in her face as she looked at the mess that was her son.

"Mer! You can't bathe him in there!" Derek said in shock as she made the water. "That is... He is covered in shit!"

"Don't use that word. And this is- I have to do it here. That is what cleaner is for. I have to clean him off." She spat as she went to lower him into the water. He squealed loudly, not wanting to get in. "Please, Sean.. Please get in the water. Derek... You get his body wash. Please get it." Meredith begged as she rinsed him with her hand. "And his washcloth." She added as she watched him disappear. "Come on, Sean. Mommy is so busy." She told him as she attempted to lower him into the water. Sean raised his feet and screamed loudly. She waited patiently for him to return.

"Okay..." Derek said softly as he sat down in the chair with Cassidy. Meredith looked over at him in shock. He didn't bring her anything but another baby.

"That isn't Sean's body wash." Meredith snapped as she looked at him. Derek looked up at her and smiled.

"No... It's Cassidy. She is hungry." Derek explained as he began to feed her a bottle. Meredith clenched her jaw. She wanted to spin her head and go exorcist on him. She wanted to run over and kick him off his chair.

"I see, so a hungry baby trumps a baby covered in it's own waste?" She growled as she looked over. "That's fine Derek... Really, it is."

"Use the other." He said as he pointed to the stuff she used on Cassidy. Derek looked over at her as he fed Cassidy. He loved spending time with his little girl. She was hungry, and he didn't want to make her wait.

"The stuff that makes him break out. Oh yes, let's use that." Meredith told him as she looked over. She got the gross matter off of him, but he needed to be washed. Just as Meredith went to turn her head away, she watched Cassidy spit up on Derek. She covered his nice dress shirt with formula as she giggled. "You deserved that, you stupid- Ah!" She shouted as Sean started to wiggle. He quickly began to scream his head off, deciding he was done with the bath. Just as Meredith was ready to cry, she heard the doorbell ring. It was Tracy.

"Come in!" Meredith and Derek screamed. They had never been so happy to see anyone in their whole lives.

"Hello..." He said with a smile as she walked in. Meredith looked up. Today she still had her pink hair, but she was wearing jeans and a black tee shirt.

"Oh, thank god..." Meredith said with a sigh. "I need- Body wash. It is upstairs in the cabinet- Actually... Would you mind to take him? I will get it. I will show you where it goes later. He is covered in- I'm sorry." Meredith said in desperation as she felt Tracy's hands replace her own, holding the screaming child.

"It's okay, Mrs. Grey." She said, not knowing they were doctors.

"It's Meredith!" Meredith yelled as she ran upstairs. She was definitely starting to get her shape back. Running in and out of the nursery and up and down the stairs was killing her. "Ah... Here we- He stopped crying."

"He did... He is such a good boy. I'm not sure which one you are, but you are cute." She told him as she tickled him gently.

"That is Sean the grump." Derek teased as he looked at Sean, who was not looking so grumpy.

"He's a good boy." Tracy said as she grabbed the body wash and started washing him. Meredith stood back and watched in shock.

"Thank you... Thank you, thank you, thank you." She said as she looked at the ceiling. She needed the help. And Tracy was good help.

--

Meredith had never been so grateful to have a person in her life. They day went by smoothly with her help. It made her life so much easier. Meredith chided herself throughout the day. She couldn't believe that she ever judged such a kind and responsible girl. She didn't forget that that she was once very similar to Tracy. And she ended up being a surgeon. She knew that Tracy would be just as successful. She had that drive.

"Wow." Tracy moaned as she sat back on the sofa. "I'm not really sure how you did that on your own." She told Meredith as she looked over.

"It was not easy." Meredith agreed as she laid her head back on the back of the sofa and yawned loudly. "Not easy at all. You have no idea how glad I am that you are here."

"You have no idea how glad I am that you hired me. You have great kids. I mean, they are all so... Different. They are amazing. Sean is such a little grump. The scowl never leaves his face. And Conner is so sweet. And Cassidy... She is something else." Tracy mused as she thought about the full day they had of feeding, bathing and nursing to the babies.

"I didn't carry that one." Meredith told her with a nod as she looked over at Tracy. "She is definitely mine. No question, she is my girl. But... She was carried by my best friend. And she is just like her. I think Kristy spent all her time babying her. As much as you can when they are inside of you. But Kristy has that sweet gentle nature. totally unflappable. And me... I'm not that way. Not even close."

"It's amazing, isn't it? The things that they pick up on in the womb... And what you eat. It seems like they love what you ate when you were pregnant." Tracy added as she looked over at her.

"If that is so, the boys will love nachos. And Cassidy will love anything sweet." Meredith told her happily. "They are just babies now. I mean, all they do is eat, sleep and poo. And soon they will be walking. Soon I will be saying how unbelievable it is. I mean, some day I will be watching these kids graduate. It's exciting, bit at the same time, it is depressing. I mean, I am getting old." Meredith stated frankly.

"Oh, Mrs. Shepherd, you are not old." Tracy said with a smile as she looked over. Niether Derek nor Meredith looked their ages.

"Old enough." Meredith said frankly as she looked up. "Derek and I- We got started late. Really late. But we are there now. And honestly, it couldn't be any better. I mean, I can't imagine doing this through internship or medical school..."

"You're a doctor?" Tracy asked in shock. Meredith and Derek didn't say anything about it. They didn't find it necessary to introduce themselves and spit it in someone's face. "I had no idea..."

"Derek and I are both surgeons. I specialize in cardiac cases, and Derek he is a neurosurgeon." Meredith told her with a nod.

"Wow... You guys are so... Normal." Tracy pointed out. "So you work on hearts and veins and he hangs out in brains. How awesome is that?" She mused as she thought about it.

"Yeah... It's pretty freaking awesome." Meredith agreed as she thought about how much she loved and missed her job. "If you are tired... You can go. I'm not keeping you." Meredith explained as she looked around. "You can stay, but if you want to get home and do some studying, Derek will be here in a few minutes." She told her quickly.

"I think I may head home. I was going to bring my books and I left the bag at home. I should get home and study. But I can be here right after class tomorrow." Tracy winced as she looked up. She was hoping that her schedule wouldn't be a problem.

"That will be fine. Tomorrow is Derek's day off. Well, Derek is taking the day off." Meredith explained as she stood up. "You just get here when you can. And thank you. You have no idea how much I needed you."

"Well, I will be here around one, I would say. And thank you! Your kids are adorable, and if you ask me, this was a great day." She told her as she grabbed her purse and walked towards the door.

"Well, if you think dirty diapers and spit up are wonderful, then you are the right girl for the job!" meredith told her with a nod and a smile. "I'm glad you like it. And if you don't, just tell me. No hard feelings." Meredith explained as she opened the door for her.

"I will see you tomorrow at one. Have a good night." Tracy said with a smile as she walked out.

Meredith smiled as the girl walked away. She liked her. She really liked her. More importantly, she liked not feeling like she was dead at the end of the day. Meredith was so glad that Derek had convinced her that Tracy would be good help. Tracy seemed to fit in perfectly. At the moment, all was right in the world.

**I am so busy, guys. I screwed this up... I forgot chapter 186 (named "interesting") You need to go back to read it. Sorry!**


	188. A Proposition

Meredith had never been so happy. Today Cassidy's nursery was being finished. Today she would be able to separate the babies and maybe get some relief and sleep. Aaron had been working diligently for what seemed to be forever. Meredith had no idea what it looked like. Aaron had big ideas and she decided to leave it in his hands. Derek had peeked in to make sure the job was coming along and he assured Meredith that she would love it.

"Wow!" Tracy said exuberantly as she looked up at the screen. "That just burst!" She said loudly as she watched the surgery that Meredith had preformed.

"It happens." Meredith said with a big nod. Tracy was very interested in the surgical procedures that Meredith had recorded. Whenever they had some down time, they were in the living room watching. "And this case was extremely hard. I really thought we were going to lose the patient." She said as she walked in with popcorn.

"Holy shit!" Aaron said as he walked by. "That person is dying! Look at that blood!" He said as he paused and looked at the screen.

"I know, right? I mean... This is beyond amazing. I can't get over this." Tracy told him as she felt Meredith sit down on the sofa. Tracy grabbed a handful of popcorn and intently watched the screen.

"Is that you?" Aaron asked as he walked over. He could hear Meredith's voice as she talked about what was going on and spit orders to her interns. "Is that you doing the surgery?"

"It is." Meredith agreed. "This is just a valve replacement. It's not that complex. Except when the sutures break and the patient codes." She explained as she looked over at him. "You can watch if you'd like." Meredith told him as she patted the sofa. Aaron walked over and sat down, never taking his eyes off of the screen.

"This is amazing. Do you record every procedure you do?" He asked as he grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl.

"No. We don't do every one. In fact, we really don't record that often. We needed a newer one for the library and luckily I was chosen. This procedure ended up being a mess. It's really a good learning tool." Meredith explained as she watched herself on the screen.

Meredith had been watching more and more of her surgical tapes. She missed it. She missed being in the operating room. She missed being at the hospital. She loved being at home with her kids, but a huge part of her longed to be at Seattle Grace, hearing the latest gossip and making the next cut. She found herself slightly

Meredith loved it when someone took interest in what she did. Tracy seemed completely pulled in. No one ever got to see the behind the scenes aspect of the whole medical field. most people would come in for their procedure and never give it another thought. They just wanted the surgery done right. It never ceased to amaze Meredith that people would let other people hold their life in their hands so easily. Maybe it was desperation.

"This is so amazing, Dr. Shepherd." Tracy said again. She had spent the last hour praising Meredith, and Meredith was loving every minute of it.

"I never realized... It's all so delicate." Aaron said in shock as he looked at the screen. Meredith smiled as she laid her head back and watched. She never even heard Derek come in the front door.

"Well, well, well... It must be nice!" Derek said loudly as he looked at the three of them on the sofa. Two of them being paid employees.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Aaron said with a nod as he jumped up. "I'm sorry... I just never realized this could be so interesting." He said in shock as he looked at it. "I was waiting for the final touch to dry. Actually, it should be done now." He said with a nod and a smile as he stood from the sofa. "I will go check. If it is, then the nursery is ready." He told them with a smile as he headed upstairs. Meredith heard the faint cry of her baby. Tracy quickly stood up. She didn't want to go, but she knew it was her job.

"I will go check on... That's Sean." She said, already learning their cries. derek watched as she trotted up the stairs quickly and disappeared.

"They were only sitting here for a second." Meredith defended as she looked at him. "And welcome home... I hope your day was good."

"My day was great. And they deserve a break every one in awhile. And- I can't believe it... Tracy knew that was Sean." Derek said in disbelief.

"She is really great with them, Derek. This last month... She amazes me. Thank you for straightening my ass up. I am so glad we answered the door. "In fact... I wanted to mull something over with you." She said as she stopped the dvd and looked up at him.

"And what is that?" Derek asked with a smile as he touched her face gently.

"I was hoping... Well... What would you think if we let Tracy move in? Kind of a live in nanny. I really like her... The kids like her... And she is never at her own home. So do you think- Would you mind if we made that offer?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"You want her to live here?" Derek asked in a state of semi-shock. He looked into her eyes. He could tell that she wanted this, but he wasn't sure how he felt about it. "Do you need her here like that? Do you need her constant help?" He asked. He wasn't going to say anything, but he knew that his mom did it on her own. She never had help and she had five kids. Not that he wanted to come down on Meredith, but he wanted her to know their kids.

"Well... I just- I don't know, Derek. I mean, she is here all of the time. It would help her out, I think. I think it would be good to have someone here." Meredith said with a smile as she looked into his blue eyes. He could not deny her something that she wanted, even if he wasn't sure that he wanted it.

"Mer... You do realize that it wouldn't be our home anymore, right? It will still be our home, but we won't be able to do what we want. We won't be able to walk around the house naked and say whatever we want. And sex... You and I are not quiet. You have to take these things into account. We will do whatever you want to do. But you need to think about all of this." Derek explained. He knew this was a big step, and it was something that couldn't be skimmed over. They were talking about someone encroaching on their space.

"I have, Derek... I thought about this all day. I definitely want to let her move in. I haven't talked to her about it, but I really want this. She is a great girl and I really like her." Meredith said quickly. Derek could tell that she was trying to convince him. He didn't like that. Normally they would talk it out, but he could tell that she was not going be talking, more like whining if she didn't get her way.

"Okay, baby... If that is what you want, then you do it. But if this goes sour..." Derek started as he looked at her. He didn't want to be mean, but he didn't want to not say anything either.

"It won't." Meredith said quickly as she nodded her head. "Aaron said the nursery was almost done. Cass has been in the pack and play most of the day." Meredith told him as she walked over and picked Cassidy up. "Cass... Dad is home. You need to say hello to dad." She told her as she kissed her on the head.

"Hey baby..." Derek said as he grabbed her from Meredith's hands. "You smell so good. Did you get a bath today?" He asked her as he held her close. "My girl smells so sweet!" He reiterated as he rubbed her back gently. "Oh Cass... I don't know about this." He muttered as he watched Meredith walk into the kitchen. "Dad doesn't like someone moving in on his turf." He explained as he walked into the kitchen.

"I made meatloaf." Meredith explained as she pulled it out of the oven. "See, I had time to cook because I had help." She told him with a smile as she pulled out the bread.

"It smells good, Mer." Derek agreed as he looked down at it. "It looks like you did a good job." Derek told her happily. He knew she was trying.

"Meredith... Derek... Aaron said the nursery is ready." Tracy said with a smile as she walked into the kitchen.

"Oh, good!" Meredith told her with a smile as she pushed the meatloaf to the middle of the granite countertop and followed her. Derek held Cassidy tightly as he followed the two of them up the stairs. Meredith quickly walked behind Tracy and into the room. "Oh my god!" Meredith gasped as she looked around.

imgstatic./gif/baby-nursery-decorating-ideas-33.jpg/img

"Cass-i-dy... Look at your new digs!" Derek said happily as he looked around. He was amazed at what a wonderful job Aaron did on the room. "The clouds look real. You did a great job, Aaron." Derek told the man with a nod.

"It's so... Her." Meredith boasted as she looked around. "Cass... Look at the birds! The floor... Oh and that antique armoire. It is all so perfect. I love it! And Cass... This will be perfect for years." Meredith said happily. "Cass... How would you like to lay down in your new bed?" Meredith asked as she grabbed her from Derek's arms and walked around, showing her the room. She finally stopped at the crib and laid her sleepy baby down.

"It really is nice." Tracy agreed as she looked around. "The boys will be jealous now!" She joked as she looked down at Cassidy. "Look who is the princess now."

"She has always been the princess." Derek clarified as he looked Tracy in the eyes. He never minded Tracy until the prospect of her living in his home. "Aaron, it is great. I am stunned. This is more than we ever could have imagined. Thank you so much."

"Not a problem. I am glad you like it." He said as he packed up his few tools that were remaining. "If you need anything else... You know my number." He said as he walked towards the door. Derek and Meredith graciously walked him to the door. They were so happy to have someone that worked so well.

"Well... I'm going to get going too, I guess." Tracy told them as she grabbed her purse. "It was a good day."

"Um... Would you like to stay for dinner?" Meredith asked as she looked up. "There is something I would like to ask you. If you can't, that fine... But we would love to have you."

"Sure. I think I can stay." She said as she sat her purse down and looked at them both. Derek did not like this. He really didn't. "Is everything okay?" She asked as she followed them into the kitchen.

"Everything is fine." Meredith said with a smile as she she looked up at Tracy. She grabbed an extra plate and placed it on the table. Tracy looked up at her with concern. She was waiting for the other show to drop. "Its more than fine." Meredith said happily as she began placing the serving dishes on the table.

"Okay." Tracy said with confusion and doubt as she followed Derek's lead and sat down at the table. Derek wasn't saying a work. He couldn't say a word. He didn't approve, and yet he was letting Meredith bulldoze him. He was willing letting her, and he was already regretting it.

"Well, Tracy... Derek and I have been thinking..." Meredith trailed softly. Derek looked at her. They were not thinking. She was thinking. She was thinking up plans and he was letting her carry them out. "Derek and I- We would like to extend and offer to you." She told her with a nod. Tracy looked at her intently, wondering when she was going to get around to saying what she needed to say.

"Okay." Tracy agreed with a smile. She was unsure of what else to do. Meredith was taking her sweet time. That only made her think that there was something major going on.

"Well... See, you are here all of the time." Meredith told her with a nod. "I don't think you have much time at home. And I know you have to pay your rent. So Derek and I were thinking that maybe you could move in. You could be a live-in nanny. We would just let you stay here, along with your current pay." Meredith explained. Derek gave Meredith a look. Even if they had money, he wasn't sure that Tracy was worth that much.

"You want me to move in? To this house? With you?" She asked in shock. She looked at Derek. A small part of her wondered what he was thinking. He seemed as if he had something on his mind but he wasn't willing to share it. "Is that what you mean?" She asked again, after they did not answer.

"Yes. We want you to live in the guest room upstairs." Meredith said with a nod as she took a bite of her mashed potatoes. "It has it's own bathroom and a queen sized bed. I mean, it would help me out. But if you can't- Or if you don't want to... That is okay. No hard feelings." Meredith told her with a nod and smile.

Derek looked between the two. He was hoping she would say no. He just had a bad feeling about it. Maybe it was his own selfishness. He wanted his family in his home. He didn't want someone hanging out in the shadows. He wanted to be free to do or say anything he wanted to. He wanted that family he always desired without the unnecessary extra.

Tracy looked up in shock. She never expected them to extend that offer. She had never been presenting with something so generous. She never thought she would live in such a nice house with such great people. She was in shock. Pure shock. She wanted to live there. She wanted Meredith's guidance. She liked them all. Meredith, Derek and the kids. She wanted to be part of their family.

"Yes... I mean, if you are sure you really want me to, I will. I would love to move in and be here whenever you needed me!" She said exuberantly as she scooped up corn and potatoes. "I never expected something so... Big."

"Well, I think you have been a great help. And I am hoping this will make things easier for you. You will still have time to do the things you need to. We don't expect you to be our slave. Right, Derek." Meredith emphasized as she looked at Derek. Derek wasn't saying a word, and she could tell Tracy was noticing that.

"Yes." Derek said simply as he took a bite of the meat. "Whatever Meredith says. We think it's a great idea." He told her with a nod. Derek looked up at Meredith, who was giving him a death glare.

"So... Whenever you want to, we are ready for you. I'm sure you have a half a month at your apartment. But when you decide to move, we can get you some help." Meredith added as she looked at her. Derek couldn't believe it. Now she was throwing in free moving service.

"Actually, I really don't need to finish out the month. I can. But it is already paid for, and I have a roommate. I don't have to stay there. I could move in as soon as you needed me to." She told Meredith happily.

"Well, I will call around tomorrow. I don't know the moving companies around here..." Meredith told her with a sigh. They had used one when they moved to the house, but she couldn't remember who it was. Not to mention, she wasn't sure how much Tracy had to move.

"Maybe Tracy has friends." Derek suggested as he looked up. "If she has friends that can help her, you don't need to call anyone." Derek told her with a nod. He caught the second death glare of the evening.

"We will do whatever you need us to do." Meredith explained, overwriting what Derek had just said.

"This sounds good. I will see what I can do. Maybe this weekend?" She suggested with a smile. Meredith smiled and nodded. Derek shook his head. A young college girl wanting to live in their house. He could see it now. Wild parties. Drinking. Friends. He could see it. How could Meredith not? She lived it.

**Interesting... Mer just sort of bulldozed Derek.**

**As I have said in the past, if you want your daily dose, go to my site. It's listed on my profile. I update daily there.**

**Review please!**


	189. Suffering

Meredith hadn't wanted to leave her children. She was still skeptical that Tracy could really take care of them all when they started to sound off. It broke her heart to leave them. She was more than attached to her children. She knew she would be, but she never knew the maternal instinct could be so strong. She would do anything for any of her children. It didn't matter what it was. She would do it.

Meredith sat in the waiting room. Derek was right. She was glad that they had agreed that she get an IUD. She knew that deciding to get a tubal ligation had been a hasty decision that she wasn't even thinking about the finalization of it all. She didn't want more kids, but she never knew if she would at some point down the road.

"Dr. Grey." Meredith heard her name called from across the room. She looked up to see the smiling face of the nurse. "This way." She said with a smile. "How are you today?"

"I'm really good." Meredith said with a smile. She was a bit tired and feeling drained, but overall she was feeling great.

"Good. Go ahead and put the poncho on, cover your legs with the blanket. Dr. Montgomery will be in to see you in a few moments. Do you have any questions?" She asked nicely as she looked up. Meredith shook her head no. She knew everything there was to know about the procedure. Once she thought about an IUD, she read as much as she could about it.

Meredith sat on the bed and closed her eyes. She was hoping that the babies weren't giving Tracy any problems. She knew them well enough to know that they probably were. She knew that Cassidy was the one that presented Tracy with he biggest challenge. She would do anything she could to make trouble. She was always kicking over things and sticking her hands in anything that was a mess. And she was a fighter. Getting her dressed was nearly impossible.

"Meredith... How are you? How are the babies?" Addison asked as she walked into the room with the nurse quickly behind her.

"Oh, you know... Bad. They aren't bad. They're just babies, I suppose. Grumpy Sean is hilarious. And Conner is such a little sweetheart, but I have to say, he does have a devious streak. I actually think Conner is the most like Derek when he was a baby. Making trouble with a smile on his face, that's his game. And Cassidy... She is little miss drama. And apparently, she wants to be a nudist." Meredith pointed out with a smile.

"They all have their own little personalities. I'm sure yours will never lack. Especially if they are like you." Addison teased as she motioned for Meredith to get in the stirrups.

"Funny, Addie. Although, as much as I hate to admit it, Sean is a little like me." She said as she laid back and scooted forward.

"I won't tell." Addison replied with a giggle. "I have to say, I'm glad you decided on the IUD instead of the tubal ligation. This is much easier. Less invasive and easily reversible." Addison told her with a smile. "You will feel some pressure, but it should not hurt too much. If it does, let me know. Being that you have given birth, it shouldn't be too bad for you."

"Okay." Meredith agreed as she closed her eyes and laid back. She hated being there, but she knew that she had to. It was a necessary evil.

"So how is Derek coping with the three am feedings and the stinky diapers?" Addison asked as she looked over her glasses at Meredith.

"He's not. We hired a nanny. Actually, a live in nanny. She just moved in two days ago." Meredith explained as she looked up at her.

"And Derek is okay with that?" Addison asked in shock. She actually knew how Derek was. He liked his home life and his family to himself. She was shocked that Derek was allowing someone to move in.

"Yeah, why?" Meredith asked quickly. She assumed that everything was okay. Now she was wondering what Addison knew that she didn't.

"Well, you know Derek better than anyone. He's just so... Possessive. I'm surprised he wants someone on his turf. He likes to be the man of the house. He likes to have you. And he doesn't like someone just hanging around." Addison told her, knowing that Meredith knew all of that.

"I don't think he has a problem with it." Meredith said with a frown. As she laid back, she thought about it. Meredith thought about what Derek had said. He had made it more than apparent that he didn't want Tracy. She disregarded his feelings and did what she wanted anyhow. Meredith felt more than guilty for what she had done.

"So this nanny... What is she like?" Addison asked as she went to work implanting the IUD.

"She's great." Meredith said happily. She did think she was great, but now she was wondering what Derek really thought.

"That's good. This shouldn't take much longer. And of course you know you are all clear for sex. I'm sure Derek will be glad to hear that." Addison pointed out, knowing about their active sex life. Meredith smiled. She knew he would be.

--

It was settled. Meredith made it clear to Tracy that she had the kids for the night. Meredith almost felt a ping of guilt about it. She felt bad telling Tracy that it was her job and she wouldn't be up. At the same time, that was Tracy's job. That was why they hired her. Meredith needed a night alone with Derek. It had been so long since they had been together, and she knew that he was feeling forgotten. Derek was a sexual being and needed just as much attention as the babies did.

Meredith waited, and of course he got pulled into emergency surgery. She tried her best to not get disappointed when he said that he was going to grab something to eat at the hospital. She calmly placed the parmesan crusted baked trout in the refrigerator. She frowned as she placed the potatoes in a container and the spring vegetables in a bag. The food didn't matter. That was not why she was waiting.

Meredith didn't fret when he called and said he had to check on one more patient, and then he would be home. Instead of getting upset, she made herself a hot bath and lit candles. She could relax until he came home. She could take some time to herself and makes sure that she was completely ready for him. She soaked in the hot water, letting it absorb into her skin and take away her aches. Her back was sore, but she would never admit it to Derek.

Meredith climbed out of the bathtub and walked into the perfect closet that Aaron had built them. She riffled through her special section of lingerie. She was hoping it would fit. She felt like she had gained so much weight after the birth of the twins, The truth was, her waist was a half of an inch smaller and her chest was bigger. She pulled on her sheer lavender babydoll and matching g-string. They were both trimmed is a slightly darker shade of purple lace. Meredith looked at her ample cleavage in the mirror and shook her head. She knew that Derek would enjoy that.

Meredith walked around the room, lighting candles. She wanted it to be the perfect atmosphere. She was hoping that it wouldn't fail like the precursor to this perfect evening had. She had the perfect dinner, and he had missed that. She was praying he wouldn't miss dessert. She needed him to show her how much she needed him. She smiled as she smelled the light scent of burning candles and her own flesh. She hoped he would give her what she needed.

Meredith laid back on the bed and waited. It wasn't that late, she was just exhausted from a busy day with the kids. She laid her soft hair back on the pillow and closed her eyes. Before she knew it, she was drifting off to sleep and Derek was walking in. Derek opened the door and looked in shock at their room. It was lit up, the perfect ambiance shining through. He looked down at his wife and smiled. She looked so perfect as she slept, a faint smile playing on her lips.

Derek unbuttoned his shirt as he stood and looked at her sleeping so gently. He was in shock as he watched her. She was just like Cassidy. They were so similar when they slept and he never realized it. He pulled off his tee shirt and pants, leaving on his boxers. He hated to wake her up, but he knew he had to. It was obvious that she had planned the whole evening for them, and he had ruined it.

"Hey..." Derek said as he kissed her gently. Meredith opened her eyes softly and smiled as he kissed her face repeatedly, one tiny peck at a time.

"Hey." Meredith said with a smile. "I didn't think you were coming... I finally fell asleep." She admitted as she looked around the room at the half burned candles and the darkened walls. It had been sunset when she began her wait, and now it was late into the evening.

"I'm sorry, baby... I had no idea you had this planned." Derek told her sadly as he looked around. She had done so much work, and he had gotten too busy to even notice that she wanted him home for some reason.

"It's okay... You're here now. That's all that matters." Meredith said with a smile as she looked into his eyes. They were dark. Dark with need. She could sense the strong need that he was feeling for her. He had been feeling it for awhile, but knowing that his prize was so close, his feeling was getting more intense.

"I'm here now..." He agreed with a nod and a smile as he buried his face into her neck. He missed their closeness and the sexual air that they both shared. The had been so busy with life they almost forgot their own needs for each other. "And... You are... Ready?" He asked as he looked down at her.

"I am... I talked to Addison today. She inserted the IUD, and we are good to go. We got the all clear." Meredith explained as she stroked his hair. Derek smirked at her touch. "So.. Take me for a ride, Derek. Take me for a ride I will never forget." She begged as she ran her hand down his bare chest.

"I will take you for a ride, Meredith Shepherd. I have been waiting for too long to take you for a ride." He told her and he traced his fingers over the swell of her breasts. In the back of Derek's head was Tracy. She was just down the hall and about to hear something she never thought she would. She was about to hear Meredith and Derek Shepherd have sex the way only they knew how. Loud.

"I love you, Derek. I love you so much." She told him as she caressed his face with her fingers. "I need you to remind me. I want to know how much you love me."

"I think you will know. I don't think there will be any question when we are done." Derek pointed out as he pushed the strap of the babydoll off of her shoulder. "No question." He added.

Derek pushed the straps of the babydoll down her shoulders, revealing her ample breasts. Breast-feeding had done wonders to Meredith's body and Derek was liking it. He laid her back against the pillows and rubbed his hands across her chest. He smiled as her nipples got hard. He was assuming that she had pumped, seeing as she wasn't leaking all over him. Derek ran his tongue over each breast, tasting her sweet skin and feeling their fullness.

"You taste so sweet, Mer." Derek moaned as he tasted her soft skin. "Oh god..."

"Derek... I love you." She said as she scratched his head with her nails. His soft curls entwined in her fingers as he sucked her flesh. "I need you. I need you inside of me." Meredith told him as she tugged his hair, letting him know how serious she was.

"I need to be inside of you." Derek said with a mod as she leaned up. Derek grabbed the bottom of her babydoll and pulled it over her head. Meredith moaned as she felt his fingers brush her soft skin. She was a bit self conscious, but she was liking that Derek seemed okay with her body. "You look amazing, Mer." Derek said with a smile as he kissed her shoulder.

"Mmm...Derek." Meredith muttered as she laid back, pulling him down with her. "Make love to me." She begged as she ran her hands over his back. She felt the hardness of his muscles under the pads of her fingers. Derek looked into her eyes and cocked his head to the side. He started at her neck an pecked soft sweet kisses. "Mmm..." She moaned as he moved down her collarbone.

Meredith wasn't even thinking about Tracy. Tracy never crossed her mind. She was focused on Derek. She was focused on the love they shared and the physical need they were both feeling. She knew that her babies were taken care of. She could take as long as she needed to satisfy both of their needs. She had been waiting so long. To long.

"Oh, Mer... you have no idea how long I have been waiting for this." He said with a smile as he pecked kisses on her abdomen. He remembered that not long ago, he was kissing her swollen abdomen that housed his children. Derek ran his hands over her hips and grasped her thighs. "No condom?" He asked, making sure he had heard her right.

"No condom." Meredith stated with relief. They both enjoyed sex more without the condom. If it came down to it, they would use it. They didn't need another to add to the brood. "Just you and I."

"Good." Derek said with a smile a he grasped the sides of her g-string and slid it down her thighs. Derek passed her knees, went down her calves and Meredith lifted her feet as he slid it off. Derek tossed it to the side on that floor with the rest of their clothing.

Derek grabbed Meredith's foot and kissed the top of it gently. She giggled and shook her head at the sensation she was feeling. She watched as he ran up her shin bone and stopped at her knee. She wanted sex, but she would humor him. She would allow him the foreplay that he was so hellbent on giving her. Derek licked up her thigh, feeling the smoothness of her skin. His tongue slid with ease, his saliva plentiful from the need. His mouth was watering as he neared her wet pussy. Derek spread her thighs and looked in at her glistening pink center.

"Wow... You are wet, honey." Derek said with a smile as laid between her legs. Meredith moaned as she felt his hot breath on her center. She wanted him to lick her. She wanted him to talk a taste.

"Lick me, Derek." Meredith said as she grabbed the back of Derek's head and pulled him against her. "Oh god... Taste me. I have needed your tongue for so long." She whined as she pulled his head hard, him not putting up too much resistance.

"Mmm... You smell sweet, Mer. Like candy." He told her as he took a whiff of her pussy. Derek laid his tongue down on her lip and ran up one side and down the other. Meredith lifted herself and pushed into him as he slide his tongue in her center. Derek panted softly as he licked up the middle and began flicking her clit.

"Oh god, Derek... Oh god. I need you inside me. Quit! Stop!" She shouted as she tore his hair. "Fuck me, babe. Just... Inside me now. Now!" She shouted, needing to feel his hard cock inside of her. "Give it to me good. Please..." She said as she spread her legs for him and he moved up.

"So... Do you want it soft, or hard?" Derek asked as he ran the head of his hard cock up and down her slit. Meredith winced as she felt his head against her clit. It had been so long, she was ready to cum.

"Whatever...Just now. Do it now." She told him as she bucked her hips and forced him inside of her. Derek groaned loudly a he felt her warm core around his thick manhood.

"Oh god..." Derek groaned as he paused and smiled. Meredith wrapped her legs around his body and held herself close as Derek pulled in and out of her gently. Every thrust was filled with love. Every thrust was filled with more need than they had felt in a long time. Derek ran his thumb over her clit as he slid in and out with perfect harmony.

"Harder... Do it hard." Meredith shouted as she threw herself at him. Derek nodded his head and pumped into her hard. They heard the headboard slam into the wall, ignoring the loud sound as continuing on. "Oh god, Der! Oh god! You are the biggest, thickest man! Oh god... Harder. Harder! Oh yeah...That's it. Oh yeah.. Oh god. Right there...yeah... I'm going... I'm... OH GOD!" Meredith screamed as she felt herself tense up and the waved rush over her.

"Oh yeah... Mer... Fuck you are so tight... Oh god... Ahhh." Derek spat as he shot his hot seeds into her core, washing her walls and filling her up with his essence. "Oh yeah..." He moaned as he collapsed and they rolled to the side, still connected. They stared into each other's eyes. Too bad they didn't know how much Tracy was suffering.

**You know it's funny!**


	190. Nymphos

Tracy tossed. She couldn't believe it. She could not sleep. She had a huge test in the afternoon, and sleep was not coming. She had purposely laid down early so that she was sure to get enough rest, but it didn't work. The babies were even being quiet, and still, nothing. She rolled to the side again and grabbed her pillow. She punched it hard and rested her head on the soft overstuffed down pillow, closing her eyes. Finally it came. Sleep.

"Oh god... Oh god, Derek! Harder... Fuck me harder, baby." Meredith cried out. Tracy opened her eyes wide. She was hoping that wasn't what she heard. She was hoping it was a dream.

"God, Mer... You are so tight. Damn... Your pussy is so tight and wet!" Derek exclaimed loudly. She had the room closest to theirs and she was greatly regretting it. It seemed like there was no insulation in their walls.

"Derek... Oh, Derek! Your cock is so big! So big!" Meredith screamed. Tracy didn't want to know about Derek's big cock. She didn't want to know about that at all. In fact, she had absolutely no interest in Derek Shepherd. He was the complete opposite of what she was attracted to. "Oh, baby... You are so fucking huge!" Meredith cried out.

"You have to be fucking kidding me!" Tracy said in shock as she stared at the ceiling. She couldn't take it. It was almost like listening to her parents in bed. "This is...Ah." Tracy spat. She hadn't heard them. She was unsure that they even had sex. She was finding out quickly that they did. Not only did they have sex, but they had very good, very loud sex.

"Oh... Oh... There you go. Just like that, baby... Just like that. A little slower... Oh god, yes. Right there!" Meredith shouted. Tracy didn't know what right there meant. She could only imagine what right there was. She didn't want to imagine.

"Mer... Oh god." Derek panted as he pounded Meredith harder. Tracy heard something loud. She heard the headboard. It was definitely the headboard pounding hard into the wall. Boom. Boom. Boom. With every thrust, there was a loud pounding on the wall. Tracy stuffed a pillow against her head and tried to drown it out. She could swear they were only getting louder.

"I'm cumming, Mer... I'm going to... Oh fuck!" Derek grunted as the bed pounded the wall one last hard time. Tracy heard Meredith mewing loudly. She rolled her eyes at Derek. Did he really have to announce that he was going to cum?

"Oh...Yes..." Meredith moaned as she hit her high. Tracy smiled. It was over. It was actually over. Just as she went to close her eyes, she heard a faint cry. It was Cassidy.

"Seriously?" She grumbled as she threw her blankets off and walked to the door. She was hoping they enjoyed their fuck while she got a sleepless night. "Cass..." She said as she walked into her nursery. "I was trying to sleep!" Tracy told her as she pulled her out of the crib. She placed her finger in her diaper. It was wet, and she was sure that she needed a bottle too. "I bet you were trying to sleep too, weren't you? Mommy and daddy are a little loud." She pointed out as she pulled the wet diaper off of her.

Tracy went through the standard procedure of changing Cassidy's diaper. She looked down at the little girl, knowing she was hungry. She pulled her against her chest and walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. She began warming the formula as she tried to entertain the baby. She struggled to hold Cassidy and pour the warm formula into the glass bottle.

"Are you hungry?" She asked as she screwed the top on. Just as she placed the pan in the sink, she looked up to see Derek walking in in his robe.

"Hey." Derek mumbled as he poured himself a glass of water.

"Hello. Cassidy is hungry." She stated as she gave the baby her bottle. She looked at Derek covered in his post-coital sweat. His hair was a mess and sticking up everywhere.

"I see." Derek said with a nod as he walked over and kissed his baby on the head. He took a long swig of water and then looked up at her. "Well, goodnight." Derek said with a smile as he turned and walked away. "And thanks."

"Yeah." Tracy said with a nod as she went to sit down. "I think your parents are a bit wild, Sweet Pea." She told her as she stroked her head. "And you look so sweepy!" She cooed. "Are you ready to go back to bed?"

Tracy placed the bottle in the sink and began her walk up stairs. She placed a sleeping Cassidy in the crib. The baby was completely content. She made sure to check on the twins, who were just as happy. Tracy sighed as she thought about her soft warm bed. She walked into her room and shut the door, making a straight-line to the bed. She collapsed in the middle, thanking god for sleep.

"Oh, Derek!" Meredith giggled loudly. "Your tongue..."

"Oh my fucking- Holy shit..." She muttered as her eyes flashed open. "I work for nymphos." She said in shock. It may be true. Tracy covered her head with a pillow. It didn't work. It didn't even come close to the loud banging. She was shocked that Sean wasn't awake. The only thing she could think was that their nursery was so far away. She thought about sticking in her earbuds, but she was sure that it would be too loud and she couldn't hear the babies. She would just have to tolerate it.

"Are you tired, baby?" Derek asked as he looked over at Meredith. Her skin was dewey and her face flush.

"Do I ever get tired?" Meredith asked with a giggle as she looked over at him. Derek half-rolled towards her and wrapped his arms around her body. He quickly rolled onto his back, pulling her onto his chest.

"I think you should only be here forever. Right here...On my chest." Derek told her as he ran his hands over her damp back. The feeling of her perfect body molded against his his was too much. Her swollen breasts were pressed against him and beginning to leak. "Must be feeding time." He pointed out. It was her and he didn't care that she was leaking on his skin.

"It must be." Meredith agreed, feeling the pressure. She gently laid her head down on his chest and closed her eyes for a second. Derek stroked her soft skin, allowing her to get the relaxation that she needed. Derek's attention piqued when he heard a faint cry. Meredith stirred slightly and pulled herself up.

"I think your boobs are good timers." He laughed as he listened. Meredith smiled as she pulled herself to her feet. "You know... Tracy did say she had them tonight."

"She did. But I need relief. And if I have to pump, I may as well give it to them fresh." She told him with a nod as she pulled on her ruby colored Julianne Rae silk robe. She loved the way it wrapped around her and felt so soft on her skin. Meredith drew in a breath as she walked down the hallway on her wobbly legs. As she got close to the room, she saw a small light on.

"Oh... Dr. Shepherd... I have them." Tracy told her as she looked up. Part of her hated the woman at that moment. She hated the woman that was keeping her up and having a good time doing it. She looked at her wrapped in her robe that most likely cost more than a month's rent. She looked so relaxed and perfect. Tracy was feeling anything but.

"I've got them. I need to nurse. And you... You look tired. Are you okay?" Meredith asked as she looked at her. Tracy had bags under her eyes and her hair was everywhere. She looked like she hadn't slept in months.

"Um... Yeah." Tracy finally said, unsure of what else she could say. "I'm okay. I'm just a little tired. I can't sleep." She pointed out as she looked up at the clock. It was already three am and she needed to be at the university for her exam. Luckily they had moved it from the morning and to four in the afternoon.

Meredith grabbed Sean and walked over to the plush chair. Tracy looked away as Meredith held Sean to her breast and covered him up. Meredith knew that she and Derek were keeping her awake. She knew that Tracy was awake because of their lovemaking. While she felt a bit guilty about it, they needed it. They needed the sex. Everyone had sex and she had nothing to be embarrassed about.

"They should be fine for the rest of the night. There is some Tylenol PM in the medicine cabinet. Why don't you take that. You have a good eight hours before you really have to get up." Meredith explained. "If they need anything, I can get them." She said with a smile as she rubbed Sean's head.

"Thank you." Tracy told her with a nod and a smile. Meredith watched as she walked out. She knew that she had a huge test tomorrow and she was hoping she didn't bomb it because of her.

"Did mommy and daddy wake you up, Sean?" Meredith asked him softly. "I hope not... You should be used to it. It happened a lot when you were in my tummy." Meredith said with a giggle as she looked down at him. They were blessings. There was nothing she regretted as far as her children were concerned. "Big boy." Meredith told him as she held him against her chest and patted him ever so gently. "I think your brother wants to eat too." She pointed out as she rubbed his tiny back.

Meredith laid Sean down in the crib and covered him with his soft blanket. That was her favorite time. She loved it when they were completely content. Nothing warmed her heart more than knowing that she had gotten them there. She made them happy. Meredith grabbed Conner, who was laying there looking around. He rarely cried. He always waited patiently for his turn.

"You are so much like your daddy. You are so passive." Meredith told Conner as she looked into his eyes. "Look at you. You are a good boy." She said as she kissed him softly. "Are you hungry, Con-man?" She asked as she held him yo her breast. She loved feeding him. He was so quiet and sensible. Both Cassidy and Sean treated Meredith liked a meal ticket. They saw nothing wrong with getting a little rough. Derek always teased the babies, telling them that mom didn't need a mastectomy.

Meredith placed Conner back in the crib. She had taken some extra time, just talking to her children. She was sure that Derek was probably asleep by now. She checked to make sure that the monitors were working and walked away. Everyone was finally content. When she walked in their room, she was shocked to see Derek still awake.

"You're still awake." Meredith said with a smile as she walked in and shut the door behind her.

"I am." Derek agreed as she walked over to the bed. Derek pulled her close to his body, loving having her so near. They shared their bodies, but more importantly, they shared their love. "So?" Derek asked as he pushed the front of her robe, opening it slightly.

"Eh..." Meredith groaned as she closed her eyes and laid her head against his chest. "Sleep?" Meredith asked as she moaned softly.

"Okay." Derek said, understanding she was tired. "We have a whole lifetime." He whispered into her ear. She was already asleep.

--

Derek laid in the bed and stared at his wife. He loved to watch her sleep. He wasn't sure if she knew just how much he loved it, but he did. There was something about the calm in the early morning that made him feel so content. The sun would shine on her honey colored hair and light up her soft skin. She was peaceful and perfect in that moment. That was the way he always thought of her. Naturally beautiful.

"Mmm... Are you watching me sleep?" Meredith asked as she opened her eyes. She had been in a relaxed peaceful state. She knew he was watching her, but she decided to remain in the perfect silence, feeling the warm morning sun and the sounds of the birds chirping softly.

"I could be." Derek replied with a soft smile as he leaned over and kissed her ever so softly on her nose.

"You know, some people would think that was creepy. It could be illegal." Meredith said softly. Derek shook his head, placating her.

"Illegal, huh?" He teased as he looked into her eyes. "Illegal as I kiss my wife and stare at her in her sleep? I never knew that was illegal. I guess they should lock me up now... I may have a problem." Derek pointed out.

"Well, if you were a peeping Tom... Looking at me... That could be illegal." She told him with a giggle. Derek couldn't help but find her incredibly adorable. "Yep... You are my peeping Tom." She explained with a yawn.

"And you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Perfection." Derek stated as he kissed her forehead. "And all mine. How lucky am I?" He questioned as he rolled her over on top of him.

"Dr. Shepherd... I think you may have an issue." She pointed out with a smile as she ground her pelvis into his iron hard wood. Derek groaned softly, feeling her soft body stimulating his.

"An...Issue?" Derek croaked out as he placed his hands on her hips, helping her rock in the perfect motion.

"I'm thinking you are a little...hard. Is there something you want?" Meredith asked as she rubbed her mink-soft feminine mound over this cock. Her robe laid on either side, resting over her thighs, barely tied shut. The tiniest V showed just enough flesh to turn him on. He could see the perfect curve in the valley of her breasts. "Is this what you want?" She teased as she lifted up on her knees, letting his velvety head run along her slit.

"Oh god, Mer." Derek groaned as he pulled the tie on her robe, letting it open for him. Derek smiled at the sight of her swollen breasts laying softly on her chest. Her honey hair laid over her shoulders with the softest curl he had ever seen. "Oh..."

"I won't make you wait." She told him with a smile as she spread her thighs and slid onto him. "I would never make you wait." She moaned as she felt his hard member in her core, filling her to the brink. Derek slid his hands up and down her sides as she rocked ever so slightly on his veiny cock.

"Mer... You are so perfect. So perfect." Derek told her softly as he leaned up and kissed her chest. Meredith rubbed her face against his hair as she pressed onto his cock, going as deeply as she could. She loved the way his silky curls tickled her cheeks.

"Oh baby..." Meredith moaned as he ran his tongue over her breast, avoiding her tender nipples. Meredith let out a pant, feeling his tick shaft sliding in and out of her wet folds. She finally pulled away and pushed him down. Derek looked up at her in shock. She was taking charge. Meredith placed her hands firmly on his hard chest and used it to pump harder and grind faster. "I have missed this..." She moaned, feeling her walls already beginning to tighten down. Derek's cock fought the resistance with her milky white juice that was flowing freely.

"Not as much as I have." Derek told her as he grasped her hips and played on her motions. Derek thrust gently upward into her, feeling her tight core ready to strangle him. "Oh god, baby... You're ready." He pointed out as he gave her slim hips a tight squeeze.

"For you... I'm ready for you." She told him with a nod. "Cum. I need you to cum. Fill me up. Spray me." She whimpered as she felt her extra-sensitive clit being rubbed on. "Oh...Oh...Oh!" She cried out as she felt her walls ready to choke him.

"Oh my god... I'm cumming. Fuck... I'm there baby... Your sweet- You have the... Sweetest pussy..." He panted as he began thrusting into her frantically.

"Oh... There it is... Harder. Yes! That's the spot... Right there. Oh my god!" Meredith cried out as she threw her head back and began twitching. She felt her body begin to quiver as her contractions took over. Derek began grunting loudly as he washed her walls with his essence. "Oh..." Meredith whimpered as she closed her eyes. She gently laid down on his chest, her full breasts leaking. She knew they would be calling her soon. Right now, she needed this. Right now she needed a moment with her husband.

**Sorry it took so long!**


	191. To Lie

Tracy sat back on the sofa and waited for her friends to come by. That was something that she had never mentioned to Meredith or Derek. They never discussed that. Tracy thought nothing of it. It didn't help that she had a bit of animosity towards her employers for their recent sexual adventures. She was lucky if she ever got any sleep living at their house.

Meredith had run to the grocery store with Cassidy. She wanted to take the baby out by herself. She wanted to be able to do it. The twins were a challenge and she wasn't ready for them yet. Meredith was happy to get some alone time with her daughter. Even if all it was was her sitting in the cart while Meredith pushed. Meredith cooed at her baby as they walked down the aisle way. Everyone was looking. It was just too adorable.

"Cass, you are such a good girl!" Meredith said with a smile as she pecked kisses on her face. The baby giggled loudly and looked into her mother's eyes. "Look at you! You are so perfect." Meredith told her as they walked down the baby aisle. "So you want some rice cereal?" Meredith asked as she shook the box. The baby pulled herself up slightly and looked around with wide open eyes.

"What a darling baby!" And older woman said as she walked up. "Look at those blue eyes. They are amazing!" She said in shock as she looked into them.

"Thank you." Meredith replied. She watched the woman carefully. She was a mother hen and she was realizing it quick. As loving as caring as she was, she was finding the need to protect her baby.

"How old?" She asked as she looked down at her. Meredith drew in a breath as the woman stroked Cassidy's cheek.

"She's four and a half moths old." Meredith told her as she gave her a warning look. She didn't appreciate the woman's hands on her child. "And we really have to finish our shopping and get home. You have a good day." Meredith muttered as she pushed the cart away. She heard the woman say something under her breath, but she continued on. She really didn't care what the woman had said. "I don't know, Cass. Mom just doesn't know." Meredith explained as she stopped and grabbed packages of chicken. "Maybe we can con daddy into cooking tonight. What do you think?"

Meredith finished the rest of her shopping trip as quickly as she could. She could see that Cassidy was getting tired, and she wasn't feeling much better. She grabbed the rest of the necessities and went towards the checkout. Help from the store came up and helped her unload her cart as she paid attention to her baby.

"Okay, Cass! The car is full! The baby need some food. And mom is tired." Meredith explained with a smile as she looked into her eyes. "Baby gets strapped in and we are going home. What do you think? Do you miss Sean and Conner yet? Do you miss your stinky little brothers?" Meredith teased as she gave her a kiss. The baby giggled loudly as she listened to her mom cooing at her. Meredith gently shut the door, knowing that her baby would cry. She was right as she opened her door, hearing the wailing of Cassidy. Even whens he was screaming, she was still quiet.

"You're okay, Cass. You are okay." Meredith said softly as she turned on some light music and put the car into reverse. She heard Cassidy quickly settle down. Meredith drove slowly and safely towards her house. She worried about driving with her baby. After all the therapy, she still drew in deep breaths when she started her car. And accident was always in the back of her mind.

Meredith pulled up to her house and looked in shock. There were cars. Four cars in her driveway. She started to panic, worrying that something had happened to someone. She looked at the cars, recognizing none of them. Meredith quickly pressed the button for her garage door and pulled in. She wanted to know what was going on.

Tracy and her friends sat back on the furniture and stared at the TV. Exams had sucked the life out of them all and they were looking forward to just relaxing. Tracy didn't know where Meredith's surgery tapes were, and she wasn't sure that Meredith would be willing to share them with everyone. She let out a loud yawn, feeling the nights of no rest quickly catching up to her.

"You look tired." Her friend, Kelly said as she looked over. Tracy let out another yawn and looked up at her.

"I am. I get no sleep." She muttered as she rubbed her face and laid her head back. "I can't remember the last time I slept. Oh wait, yes I do. It was the night Dr. Shepherd had emergency surgery." She groaned. "That is the only time I sleep. He has to be gone..."

"Why would that- Oh!" Kelly said in shock. "You mean they- And it keeps you up, all night?" She asked in shock.

"All night. I'm beginning to think he is the man of steel. They never stop. There is enough of a pause that I start to drift off. Next thing you know, they are back at it again. I think they may have a problem." She pointed out.

"Man of steel?" Kelly said with raised brows. "I have to meet this man!" She teased as she looked around.

"What is going-" Meredith said as she rushed in. She looked around and the eight people sitting in her living room. This didn't make her happy. "What is going on? I thought something was wrong!" Meredith said in shock as she looked at the people that had made themselves more than at home in her house.

"Oh... Some of my friends stopped over." Tracy said with a smile as she stood from the sofa. Meredith looked at her as if she had lost her mind. She couldn't believe Tracy was being so bold or so stupid.

"Some of your friends? You have half of the fucking university here!" Meredith shouted. "I wouldn't care if you had asked me! You never asked. And now- You are supposed to be working. My children are upstairs and you are so busy down here with your friends, you have no idea what is going on!" She shouted as she looked at her.

Meredith heard Cassidy begin to wail loudly. Cassidy never cried loudly. She was the quiet baby. She was the baby that always stayed happy and silent. Right now, she was making her presence known. She was letting everyone know that she was just as upset as her mom. Meredith and Tracy looked at her in shock. They baby had never done this and it made them think.

"Oh, Cass... It's okay, Cass." Meredith said softly as she grabbed her baby from the carrier. Cassidy shook as she cried hard in her mother's arms. "We were having such a good time, weren't we?" Meredith asked her with a kiss on the head.

"I'm sorry, Meredith." Tracy said with a frown as she looked up at her.

Meredith wanted to fly off the handle. More than anything, she wanted to fly off of the handle. She couldn't. She had a baby that was already upset, in her arms. She couldn't make Cassidy anymore upset than she was. She drew in a deep breath and let it out. Her baby was more important than any of these people and she had to think clearly.

"You need to get them out. I don't care if you have people over, Tracy, but not like this. You could have asked me. I cannot believe you would invite people that neither Derek or I know, into our home. I know you know them, but we do not. These are our children here. I already worry about them when I am here. Now I will have to worry about them when I am gone." Meredith said quietly as she looked her right in the eyes.

"I'm so sorry." Tracy said in shock. Halfway through Meredith's spiel, Tracy was feeling angry. She didn't understand how Meredith could judge people that she didn't even know. Tracy knew her friends, and she trusted them. It made mad that Meredith couldn't trust her judgement. After a second of rational thought, she put herself in Meredith's shoes. She would be upset too.

"Tracy, you have to understand, these are my babies. They are children that Derek and I had to fight to have. I cannot risk losing them. I just can't. And for you to be so irresponsible about your job... You are working right now. Derek and I pay you half as much more as any nanny in the area, and here you are, having a good time. I'm not your mom. I like you, Tracy, but this isn't your flop house. Not even close. I can find someone else if you can't do it." Meredith said frankly. She was firm, but she was being compassionate.

"No! No, Dr. Grey! No... I can do it! I can!" Tracy said in panic. She felt sick at the thought of losing her job. She had been set as far as it was concerned. She had free board and good pay, and she did enjoy the job. "I'm sorry! I was disrespectful! I didn't mean it." Tracy said as she began to cry. Meredith looked up at her in shock.

"I need to nurse her. I hope that everyone is out of this house when I come down. I mean it." Meredith growled, forgetting her groceries in the trunk. She quickly rushed past the people camped out on her sofa and up the stairs. She was going to yell at them, but she decided that she would make Tracy do it. "Are you hungry, Cass?" Meredith asked as she walked into her nursery.

Meredith sat down and began nursing her baby. She huffed when she realized that her groceries were getting warm in the garage. She couldn't leave her baby. They would just have to wait. Meredith laid her head back and closed her eyes. She was exhausted. She was shocked at how tired she was from dragging her baby along. Meredith watched as Cassidy pulled away and looked up, completely satisfied with a full belly.

Meredith frowned as she walked downstairs. She was expecting the house to still be full. She was wondering if Tracy had the gull to tell everyone to get out. This would definitely attest to how commanding and able she was to be the boss. Meredith smiled as she looked in her living room and no one was in there. She walked around the corner and looked up, seeing Tracy filling the refrigerator with groceries.

"Oh! Thank you!" Meredith said with a smile as she watched the girl place the milk on the shelf.

"I am sorry, Meredith..." Tracy said as she looked up at her. Meredith nodded her head, agreeing that is was okay. "Are you- Will you tell Dr. Shepherd?" Tracy asked with concern.

Meredith looked up at Tracy. She never thought about it. She was actually unsure. Derek had been looking for a reason to get Tracy out of the house, and Meredith knew that he would eat this up like candy. She drew in a breath, wondering if it were necessary to tell him. Would it be wrong to just leave it out.

"Um..." Meredith muttered as she turned her head away. "I guess we will see what happens." Meredith told her with a nod.

"Okay." Tracy agreed, hoping that Meredith wouldn't say anything. She was almost sure she wouldn't, but she didn't know. She knew that Derek didn't want her in the house. He didn't seem to care until she moved it. That was when the dislike of her started. She knew that if he found out, it would start a war in the house. She knew it meant she was out, and she couldn't have that.

"Hey..." Meredith said softly in the phone as she leaned against the counter. Tracy looked up, seeing her on the phone. She wondered if she was already going to be in trouble. "So when are you coming how?" She asked Derek with a frown. She was waiting for him to say late. She was bracing herself.

"I am actually coming up the road now." Derek told her happily. He knew that she was worried about him falling into the typical surgeon's trap and not coming right home. He was struggling daily not to do it.

"Oh! This is a good thing." Meredith told him happily. "This is good, because you are cooking dinner tonight." She explained as she pulled out the package of chicken breast. "We're having chicken parmesan. I bought everything today." Meredith explained.

"Oh sure... Make the brilliant brain surgeon do all the work." Derek teased quickly.

"Oh yes... I think I'm the one that is doing all the work, here. I'm actually running out of organs to harvest." She joked. The truth was, she was so hungry for the hospital, she was ready to begin harvesting organs illegally.

"Oh my god... I knew that was a human kidney in the freezer next to the bacon." Derek said with a laugh, knowing she was kidding. He also knew she didn't want it to be.

"Yes, it was there with the heart that I harvested. I'm having trouble, though. Getting them back after freezing isn't always working well... Oh well, there are so many people in out neighborhood." Meredith mused jokingly.

"Yes... So many innocent victims, so little time." Derek agreed. "Okay... I'm pulling into the garage." He told her as he opened the door up.

"See you in a second." She agreed as she pulled out a box of spaghetti noodles and placed it on the countertop. Tracy gave her a worried look, wondering what was next. "I hope you like chicken parmesan." Meredith said to Tracy as she glanced up. "You haven't eaten it until you've had Derek's." Meredith pointed out.

"I love it!" Tracy agreed as she looked at the tomatoes on the countertop. It appeared to her that Derek would be making it completely from scratch. "It's definitely one of my favorites."

"Good! Now do you mind to make a salad?" Meredith asked as she placed all of the vegetables on the countertop. "I know Cassidy will be wanting some rice cereal, so I will make that." Derek explained as she grabbed out the box. Tracy quickly went to work, knowing she was on the line.

"Hey..." Derek said with a smile as he walked into the house from the garage. Meredith could only smile. She was married to literally the greatest man in the world.

"How was your day?" Meredith asked as she grabbed his bag and kissed him on the cheek.

Derek quickly turned, placing his lips on hers. Meredith felt his tongue slide in and she pulled away. She didn't want to get too involved with Tracy standing there. She knew how Derek could be. At one time, he would have sat her up right on the counter and nailed her. He missed those days more than anything. He missed having no one in the house. He missed his freedom. He actually thought about banning Tracy to her room, and Meredith quickly told him that was not right.

"It was good Busy, but it was good." Derek told her with a smile as he looked into her eyes. "What's wrong?" Derek asked, seeing that something was wrong. He knew her too well, and he could tell when she was upset.

"Nothing... Nothing is wrong." Meredith said quickly as she dropped her head. "I'm sure your daughter wants her rice." Meredith told him with a nod as she walked away. "We'll be right back." She explained as she disappeared.

"Is she okay?" Derek asked Tracy as he looked over. He knew she wasn't and he was hoping Tracy would tell her just why she wasn't.

"I think so." Tracy told him as she glanced up. She drew in a breath. She never realized that they were so close. He could tell when she was keeping something from him. "I don't think she was upset or anything..." She added as she chopped the lettuce.

"Okay." Derek said with a shrug as he pulled out the makings of their meal. "She just doesn't seem to be." He added, watching the reaction on Tracy's face. They were hiding something. They were hiding something and he knew it.

"How is mama's girl?" Meredith asked as she walked back in the kitchen and placed Cassidy on the countertop and began feeding her.

"How is daddy's little girl?" Derek asked Cassidy as he walked up and kissed her on the top of the head. A wide smile covered her face at the sight of her father. "Things are good, huh? When are you going to quit lying?" Derek breathed into Meredith's ear. She looked up at Tracy. Lying never did suit her.


	192. Hurt

Meredith looked up at Derek. She had no idea what to say. She wasn't a liar, but yet, she felt a need to protect Tracy. She almost felt like she was her younger sister. She wanted to take her under her wing and to never lose her. She looked at Tracy and then at Derek. Tracy was happily working on the salad, not even knowing that Meredith was so close to selling her out. Meredith gave Derek a soft kiss and smiled.

"Later." She muttered, answering Derek's question as to what she was lying about. She gave Cassidy a spoonful of cereal, trying to distract them both. Derek gave her a look and shook his head. He wasn't one to take the wait and see approach. If something was going on, he wanted to know immediately.

"No... I think now would be the best time to talk." Derek told her firmly. "Tracy, can you finish feeding Cassidy, please?" Derek asked as he looked up. Tracy quickly turned and face him with a smile.

"Of course, Dr. Shepherd." She told him with a nod. "Not a problem." She added as she went to grab the spoon from Meredith's hand.

"I don't think so." Meredith replied as she moved her hand quickly. "I am feeding my child right now. If you need to speak to me, we can do it when I am done." Meredith said with a glare as she looked up at Derek. "Not a moment before." She added with a sneer.

"Are you sure? It wouldn't be a problem for me to-" She started as she looked around. She knew she had to be on her best behavior where Meredith and Derek were concerned.

"No! I can feed my own daughter." Meredith said loudly. Cassidy jerked at her mom's loud voice. She looked up and puckered her face, ready to cry.

"You are okay, honey." Derek said with a smile as he stroked her head. Cassidy looked up and her dad and sighed. She looked over at her mom and waited for her next bite. If she sensed trouble, she was more than willing to point it out. "Daddy and mommy are just fine."

"I'm done with the salad. Is there anything else you would like me to do?" Tracy asked as she looked up at Meredith and Derek. She could tell that something was wrong.

"Could you check on the twins?" Derek asked, trying to get her out of the room.

"Of course." She agreed as she jumped up and rushed off. Derek looked down at Meredith, who seemed more miffed than she had been.

"So what is going on, Mer? Why do you feel the need to get so upset?" Derek asked quickly. Meredith clenched her jaw and looked at him. "I know something happened. You are acting strangely and Tracy is being overly nice and cautious."

"It was no big deal, Derek. Nothing at all. It's been all straightened around, and I laid out the ground rules. It's my fault, really. She had no idea what she was supposed to be doing." Meredith stated. She was purposely being vague so that she could avoid conflict with him. The less he knew, the better. Or at least that was what she thought.

"What was no big deal? You are being ambiguous, Meredith. Just tell me what happened. The truth." Derek said quickly. "I am getting tired of smoke and mirrors, here. I can already tell that it's about Tracy. Now just tell me what is going on. Like I said, the truth would be great." Derek added.

"I was no big deal. I went shopping with Cassidy. I came home and she had some friends over." Meredith said with a shrug. She quickly wiped Cassidy's mouth with a soft baby cloth. The baby smiled as she waited for her next bite.

"What the hell!" Derek said quickly, taking Meredith by surprise. That wasn't even the big part. The big part was the sheer number that was in their great room. "She is supposed to be working. It's one thing to have them over when she is off, but you were gone. Wait... How many? How many friends are we talking about here?" He asked quickly, realizing that it was probably more than one or two. He watched as Meredith dropped her head. He knew then that it was more than he thought.

"Eight." Meredith muttered as she looked away. She was waiting for the fire storm. "But she had no idea that-"

"No idea what?" Derek asked quickly. "Why are you doing this? Why do you feel you have to protect her, Meredith? She is our nanny. She is a nanny who is paid very well for what she does. We do not owe her anything. At the very least, she should be doing her job." Derek growled.

"She didn't know, Derek. She had no idea what we-" Meredith started again.

"Oh stop that shit. She knows, Mer. It's called responsibility. She knew and she pushed it to the limit. You heard me, Mer. The limit. She is good help when she is good. You knew I wasn't a fan of her living in this house. I'm still not. That is why she is gone." Derek said frankly as he started making dinner.

"What? Gone? You can't fire her!" Meredith said quickly as she looked up at him.

"Give me a reason not to. She sure hasn't." Derek said frankly. Meredith looked up at Derek. He was being unreasonable and she didn't like it.

"Derek... This is not just you!" Meredith growled with a clenched jaw. "This is not just you. You cannot decide things and not include me."

"I'm not including you because it seems that you lack rational thought these days." Derek mused as he ignored her glares and continued cooking dinner.

"You just want her out!" Meredith said frankly. She was giggling at him. It was a pathetic condescending giggle. She was taunting him. She was egging him on.

"And you just want her in!" He said with a laugh. "You want her in and I don't even know why?"

"I like her, Derek! She reminds me of me." Meredith said with a sigh. "And she is great with the kids. I mean... I have never seen them so comfortable with anyone. I would hate to get rid of her and have some half-wit come in. I can't risk that. Just- For once, Derek... For one time in your life, trust me." She told him softly.

"I liked her, Mer. I really liked her. But I want to live in my home. I want to enjoy coming home at night to you and my kids. I don't want to have to throw on a robe to get a glass of water. I don't want to feel like I have to be quiet because she is studying. I don't want to have to fuck my wife in bed. I should be able to take you right here on the counter if I want to. But no, she may walk in. I don't mind Tracy. I do mind that she never leaves!" He snapped as he looked her in the eyes and then looked away.

"I respect that." Meredith said softly. She did respect it. She forgot to think about Derek's feelings. It was true, they did live in a cave, especially at night. "I don't- We need her, Derek. I'm not sure how we can solve this." Meredith said with a sigh. "We could move her to the basement. We could have Aaron do some more work down there. It's finished, but he could make it even better. Maybe he could add a kitchenette?" Meredith asked with a shrug.

"I have no problem doing that, Mer. No problem at all. But then, what do we do when she needs to come upstairs to check on the kids?" Derek asked with a frown.

"I don't know..." Meredith agreed as she looked him in the eyes. "Maybe she will only stay up with the kids on some nights. I mean... They are sleeping later now. I just- I can't tell her that she needs to move when she just moved in." Meredith explained. "If she wasn't so great, it would be different." She told him with a frown.

"Well, maybe... That could work." Derek agreed as he looked at her. He didn't want to argue with his wife or make her upset. If they could all get along, that would be the best thing in his mind. "If you think... I mean, I know you hired her for the help."

"I think it's a good option. It would give us all some privacy." Meredith agreed as she looked at him. "I think... That could be really good."

"Okay. I'm willing to do that... If you want to. And then if she doesn't work out, we have a place for guests to stay." He told her with a nod. "I just want us all to be happy." Derek told her as he walked around the counter and kissed her on the head. "Yes! Even you, sleepyhead!" He told Cassidy as she drifted in and out of sleep.

"Is it okay to come back?" Tracy asked, like a child that had been sent away. Derek and Meredith both looked at each other before they began to smile.

"Yes... It's safe to come back. The lion has roared. How are my boys?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Sleeping." Tracy told them both with a smile. "Conner is so cute. I swear, the smile never leaves his face. And of course, Sean is Mr. Grump." She added with a nod.

"Like his mom. Especially when you poke him. He's like a little porcupine." Derek explained as he looked at Meredith. Meredith playfully rolled her eyes and giggle.

"So that is why you call him porky, isn't it?" Meredith asked, not putting it together before. "I thought it was because he was chunky."

"Oh... Conner is the chunky monkey." Tracy giggled as she rubbed Cassidy's head. "And princess... You're just perfect, aren't you?" She asked with a smile as she looked into her eyes.

"Tracy?" Meredith asked quickly as she looked up. She was wanting to just get it all done with. If it were her choice, Aaron would already be starting the remodeling process. "Derek and I... We have come up with something. I guess... We want to talk to you about it." Meredith told her with a nod.

"Okay..." Tracy said with a smile as she looked at Meredith. Meredith gave her a reassuring smile back.

"Derek and I... We know we are loud. And we know you value your sleep. And Derek... He likes to walk around naked." Meredith started. Derek gave her a look of shock. "What, Der... Who cares. You're a nudist... So what? Anyway... We are both uncomfortable. I mean, all of us. So I was thinking that maybe you could move to the basement. I mean, it needs to be revamped... But we are thinking a we would all be happier down there. What do you think?" She asked with a smile as she looked at her.

"Oh... Thank god!" Tracy said bluntly. "I mean... No offense, but I think we were all having troubles."

"You can say that again." Derek said with a chuckle. He quickly looked up at his wife. All was right in the world.

--

He wouldn't stop. No matter what Meredith did, Conner wouldn't stop crying. He rarely cried. He was such a happy, smily baby. And right now, he was sobbing uncontrollably. Tracy had tried to help him, but he only cried harder in her arms. He needed his mom. Whenever the babies weren't feeling good, they always needed their mom.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Tracy asked as she walked around in circles. Meredith was in her room, trying to keep Sean from waking up. "Do you want me to call Dr. Shepherd?" She offered, seeing that Meredith was getting frazzled quickly.

"No! No... He had an emergency surgery. Hopefully he is resting right now." Meredith muttered as she looked at the clock, showing one am. You should get some rest too. I know you have class." Meredith pointed out. She was so tried, she could barely stand. Earlier in the day she had taken a Cassidy in the stroller and had gone for a run.

"Okay... I won't call him if you don't need him. I still don't think it's a bad idea, though." Tracy muttered half under her breath. She didn't want to push Meredith, but at the same time, she knew that she was at the end of her rope and was getting upset.

"Just- Go to bed!" Meredith growled as she looked at her. She quickly realized that she wasn't being very nice. "I'm sorry. I'm just- There is no reason for us to both be up. Why don't you go get some sleep? I will deal with him." Meredith told her with a nod.

"Okay. If you need me, just yell." Tracy told her as she turned around and walked out.

"I'm so sorry, con-man. I know you don't feel good." Meredith told him frankly. "Why don't we go lay down. Do you want to lay down with mom?" She asked as she walked over to the bed. She wanted nothing more than to lay down and close her eyes. Sleep would make her so happy at this point.

Meredith walked over to the bed and laid down. Conner laid softly on her chest, but continued to sob. It broke Meredith's heart to look into the red eyes of her son. His cheeks were raw and tearstained. He was in a mess and it was killing her. Meredith watched as he tugged at his ear. She knew it was hurting him and she couldn't take it. There was nothing more torturous than watching her son suffer before her eyes, with no way to ease his pain.

Meredith quickly pulled herself from her bed. She needed to get him help. She knew it was his ear, and touching it only sent him over the edge. She slipped on her shoes and grabbed a jacket, pulling it on while holding her son. There was no way she would be able lay there and listen to him all night.

"Tracy!" Meredith shouted loudly. She heard the girl's door open and Tracy came running in. "I'm taking Conner to Seattle Grace. I can't take this anymore. I need you to watch the babies, okay?" Meredith asked as she rushed pass. Tracy followed behind her and walked down the stairs.

"Yes! Of course! Are you okay? Can you drive? Are you okay to drive?" Tracy asked as she rushed to the garage.

"I'm fine. Just- Go make sure my other children are okay." Meredith said over Conner's loud crying. Meredith drew in a breath and frowned. Conner only wanted to be close to her. She had no idea how she would pull him away and place him in his car seat. "You are okay, Conner... Mommy is taking you to get you all better!" Meredith told him as she strapped him in. The baby screamed at the top of his lungs as she shut the door.

Meredith gripped the wheel tightly. She already wasn't a fan of driving. She hated it, in fact. She had to. She had to drive her screaming son even if he had her on edge. Every cry shot straight into her heart. She had never felt so helpless in her life. Her son was practically begging her to help him and she could do nothing. She drove along as quickly as she could, pulling up right in front of the emergency room door.

"I need help!" Meredith said as she began to cry.

Derek looked up in a panic. Hie heart stopped. Fear ran through his veins and took him over. He looked up to see Meredith holding their son tightly. He was in a panic. Something was wrong with one of their children. He could hear the cries of both his wife and his son.

"What's wrong!" Derek shouted as he rushed over. Conner was sobbing as his little fists clutched Meredith's hair. "What's wrong?" Derek repeated.

"He won't quit crying!" Meredith cried in a panic. It was amazing how the pain that your children feel is the same pain that you feel. It goes through you like a knife. There is no separation between a young child and his mother. Maybe it is a connection that was never disconnected from the cord that sustained life.

"Oh... Poor guy!" Miranda Bailey said as she walked up. She could see the tears streaming down Meredith's face. Being a mother, she could understand exactly what Meredith was going through. She knew how helpless you felt. Even pwerful surgeons were brought to their knees. Rational thought often left.

"I think it's his ear. He keeps tugging on it." Meredith explained as she followed Miranda into an exam room.

"You have gotten so big, haven't you?" Miranda asked Conner as she grabbed his from Meredith's arms. The minute he felt the disconnect, his wails only grew to an almost unbearable level. "He has gotten huge! Which one is this?" She asked, knowing that they were so similar.

"Conner." Derek told her as he gave his finger to his son. Conner grasped it and looked around as he cried. When Meredith began to rub his head, he calmed down slightly. "Look at his ear... When did this start, Mer?" Derek asked. Meredith looked at him in shock. It felt accusatory. It felt like he was saying she let it go. Maybe it was too many hormones and emotion, but that was how she took it.

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked into his eyes. "It just started tonight! What do you think, I let our son lay there and suffer?" She snapped as she felt the tears that she had been holding back will their way to the surface.

"These things sneak up so quickly!" Miranda said, knowing that Meredith was getting upset. "It can happen over just a couple of hours. It seems like they are fine until they aren't. Poor Tuck had this happen just a few weeks ago. Nasty infection." Miranda told them as she began checking his ear. "Oh child... This is rough. You poor little guy." She told him as she rubbed his cheek. "We're going to make you all better... Yes we are!" She told him happily. "He has a nasty case of Otitis Media..."

Meredith and Derek looked at each other. They rarely needed to talk to communicate. Meredith knew that Derek had been asking a simple question. She was just feeling like a failure as a mother. She hated that she let her child suffer, even if it wasn't her fault. There was no way she could prevent it, but she felt that she should have been able to. Derek grasped her hand and she let out a sigh.

"As much as they are pushing no antibiotics with these things, I would like to put him on amoxicillin. He needs to get this kicked out so that he can start to feel better. I can't watch the babies suffer... The adults, no problem. They most likely deserve it." She joked as she looked at him. "He needs some acetaminophen for the pain. And Meredith... If you want to apply some warm compresses, that may make him feel better. As you know, the amoxicillin may give him diarrhea. I know you will enjoy that, I always do with Tucker. Okay, little guy... You are on your way to feeling better. Now you can get back to making some trouble for mom and dad!" She teased as she rubbed his arm. "I'll be right back." She told them as she walked away.

"I was so scared, Derek. So scared. He wouldn't stop!" Meredith explained as she looked at her baby, who was now drifting off to sleep. He had cried himself to sleep from exhaustion. "So scared. I have never been so hurt in my life."

"I know, Mer... I know. I should have been home. I shouldn't have been here." He told her with a frown. "I will change and we will go home." Derek told her with a nod.

"Derek, if you need to stay here, you can. I was fine. It just scared me. We were okay. You can stay." She told him with a nod. She knew that he had to do his job. She didn't want people to lack in the care they needed because of she and her son.

"Mer... You guys come first. Besides, my patient is stable. I just came down here for a neuro case, but it was cleared. We can go home. You guys come first. No matter what, my family is priority, even if I have to send cases off to Milling at Mercy-West." Derek told her as he stroked her cheek. "I'm not doing that. I'm not going there. You guys will always be first even if I have to cut back."

"We're okay." Meredith breathed in relief. She had been so worried about her child, she had forgotten to really breathe. She had been in panic-induced autopilot. She had coped well, but she still had been in a mess. All she could think about was how bad it would have been if it had been something more significant. "I think we're okay." She added as she rubbed Conner gently. "If we hadn't had Tracy, who would have stayed there with Sean and Cass?" Meredith asked quickly.

They had fought over what to do with Tracy, and now they were both seeing how important Tracy was in their lives. Derek had wanted to send her away, but if he had, it would have been the biggest mistake he could make. In a panic, Meredith never would have been able to pack all three kids in the car. Not to mention, their emotions fell like dominos and there would have been a chain reaction. Meredith would have had a car accident just from being distracted.


	193. Back?

Meredith had tried to hold it together. She tried. The last week was an emotional hailstorm that was beating the side of her head. She didn't want anyone to know that she was so emotionally tormented. She didn't want to admit that she was so close to letting her dress fly out the window. She was more than willing to stay home forever and give up her dream. Maybe it was all the gooeyness that filled her from seeing the smiling faces of her babies.

Meredith looked in the mirror. Tracy had a feeling that Meredith was blue. She didn't say a word, but they both knew that she was not wanting to go. Tracy and Meredith had a connection. They had a special bond to where they could almost read each other's thoughts. The last week, Tracy knew that Meredith was in distress and she was trying to cut her a break. As Meredith looked in the mirror, she felt sick. She felt like her world was ending.

Meredith laid down on the floor, feeling the cold tile on her face. The floor was clean, but even if it wasn't, she would still be there. She couldn't pull herself up. It was too hard. She would be leaving her kids at home today and going back to Seattle Grace. She would be leaving them with Tracy and returning to surgery mode.

"Mer..." Derek said softly as he tapped on the door. He knew she said she was taking a shower, and yet, he heard no water coming from the room. He had a feeling that she had been attempting to mask her pain in front of him. "Im coming in, honey." He warned as he pushed the door open. The door stop about midway as he hit her leg. "Oh god, Mer!" Derek shouted as he rushed in.

Derek dropped to his knees and sat down next to her. It broke his heart to see her this way. She was crying softly as she laid there in the fetal position. Derek felt sick, he never thought it would be that hard. He knew she would be sad. He knew she would feel like she was abandoning them. He never thought she would collapse on the floor.

"Oh honey... It's okay, Mer. It's okay." He said as he pulled her into his lap.

"I never thought it would be this hard." Meredith cried as she snuggled her head into his lap. "I don't want to leave them. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I don't even know how I will concentrate!" Meredith explained.

"Mer... You don't have to go back. We can wait. We can give it some time." Derek told her with a nod. "It's not as if you are an intern. They said you could come back whenever you are ready. You're not ready, Mer. You aren't ready and that is perfectly okay." Derek told her as he stroked her cheeks. "Cassidy is eight months old. You can wait."

"I'm a surgeon, Derek. Ever since I was little, I always knew I was a surgeon. I am. That is me. I'm Meredith Grey-Shepherd. I am supposed to excel. I am supposed to be extraordinary. Living at home, never leaving this house is not extraordinary. I'm a housewife. I am nothing. I am worthless. I could be saving lives, but I am not. I am nothing great." Meredith said as she sat up.

"Meredith, the measure of a man is by his accomplishments. You have given me three amazing children. You are amazing. Stop this. There is no shame in not returning to the OR in a set amount of time. The kids... They will only be babies for so long. They will grow up, and once they do, that is it." Derek told her as he leaned in and kissed her head.

"Oh... That makes me- Thanks, Derek!" She shouted as she began to sob again.

"What did I do?" Derek asked as he looked up at her. He was shocked. He thought that what he said was good.

"What did you do? You tell me that they will only be babies for so long! How do you think that makes me feel? It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like I can never go back! I was already questioning and now... They will only be babies for so long! I may as well just resign. I should just quit!" She yelled as she jumped off the floor and to her feet.

"Mer! That wasn't how I meant it! I was just trying to justify you staying home if you wanted. You can do whatever you want! It's not as if you won't see them anymore. You will be home. I'm just- Damn it! Do what you want! What do you want?" He asked as he looked into her eyes.

"I don't know! That is the problem. I don't know what I want! I want to be here. I want to be there. I don't know what to do!" She cried out as she looked into his eyes.

"Okay... Stay home. Stay home. I know that is what you want to do." Derek told her with a nod. "Maybe you could go work in the clinic. I know that is below you, but you could go in for a few hours. You need to wean yourself off of them. Not completely. You just need to figure out that you can be away from them and they will be okay." Derek told her with a nod.

"You're right!" Meredith said exuberantly. That's what I will do. I will call Bailey and see if I can volunteer at the clinic. I can do this. I just need to ease myself in." She explained. "I love you, Derek. I'm sorry I was mean."

"It's okay, baby. I love you. No matter how mean you can be!" He teased as he kissed her on the head. Meredith gave him a hearty punch in the arm. They were good. She could do this.

Meredith sat on the phone with Dr. Bailey. It seemed she had all the confidence in the world until she got right down to it. She didn't want to be a disappointment. She knew that she had to go back eventually. She knew that the kids would miss her. She also knew that they would get older and it would mean nothing. She hated to admit it, but the newness of the babies was bound to wear off and she would begin to miss the OR. That was what she continued to tell herself, even if she wasn't sure it was true.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey..." Meredith muttered, listening to the woman reassure her that it was okay.

"I know what it is like to leave your baby. You take your time. Dr. Santos is enjoying the job. He was set on retiring, but honestly, I think he is enjoying what he is doing. It's knowing that he has the option, I think. He wants to retire, but he has made it clear that you are to take your time." Miranda explained with a smile. "We don't need a distracted surgeon."

"I'm so sorry." Meredith told her sadly. "I feel so pathetic and weak. I feel- I lost my zest. Apparently I'm not a surgeon anymore." Meredith admitted sadly. Of all things in the world, that broke her heart the most. The thought of losing her gift made her sick.

"You are not losing it. I went through that too! Meredith Shepherd, you are not losing your zest. Having kids is an emotional experience. When I left Tucker, I ended up going home nonstop that first day. I'm damn lucky I wasn't fired. I just needed to take a step back and look at it from the outside. No one can tell you when you are ready. Believe me, you will know. It will just pop up and there will be no question." Bailey told her happily. Meredith was enjoying her wisdom. This was just what she needed.

"You think so?" Meredith asked with a hopeful tone. She knew that if anyone knew, Miranda did. Miranda was great at being a surgeon at work and a mom at home. Meredith was hoping to achieve that same balance.

"I know so." Miranda told her. "You take your time. And give those babies a kiss from me. Like I said, I will see you when you get here. No rush. Santos is being great, so we are good." She explained. Meredith was incredibly grateful that Santos was being so great.

"Thank you, Dr. Bailey. And I will be in the clinic tomorrow." Meredith told her as she drew in a breath.

"I will see you tomorrow." Miranda told her. "Have a good day. And kiss those babies."

"I will." Meredith told her as she hung up the phone. Meredith drew in a deep breath as she looked down at Cassidy, who was laying in her crib. "Mama loves you." She told her as she kissed her. Someday she would have to separate herself. It wasn't today.

--

Meredith pulled on her jeans and looked in the mirror. It was the first time that she had felt human in a long time. She had been so used to lounging around with spit up on her clothes and a mess in her hair. Meredith pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail. She was going to work. She was going back to the place she loved, even if it was for a few hours. She needed to feel needed. She needed to feel accomplished.

"You look happy." Derek pointed out as he walked up to the mirror. Meredith was cocking her head to the side and looking at herself.

"I am. I feel like- There is no pressure. This is great. I feel like I am free to do whatever feels right." She told him with a nod.

"It is a good thing." Derek agreed as he kissed her on the temple. "You need this. You need to get away for a day."

"I hope that Tracy will be okay with the babies. What if she isn't okay?" Meredith asked nervously. Derek could tell that she was second guessing. She was trying to make up reasons to stay home.

"If Tracy has a problem, she will call either you or I. Don't worry, Mer. This is fine. You aren't doing this. you aren't pulling out now." He warned her as he turned her towards him and looked into her eyes. "You can do this. I can do this. We need to be able to function with and without the babies."

"Do you know how horrible that sounds? It makes up sound like there is life beyond our children." Meredith said with a frown.

"Meredith... There is life beyond our children. I love our children more than anything. We live for them, but the minute we stop living for ourselves... That will be a huge problem." Derek explained.

Meredith looked at him. At first, she was mad. At first, she couldn't he had said that. To her, it was as if he were wishing they hadn't had kids. He was talking about Tracy taking care of them as if they could just dump them off and have a good time. As she stood there, she realized what he was saying was partially true. She had seen the parents come in the hospital. They were the ones that acted irrationally. They were the ones that lived their children's lives and let go of their own.

"You're right." Meredith said with a sigh. "I just- I don't want to look back. When we are in our eighties and sitting on our porch, I don't want to look back and think of all the things that we should have done with them. I don't want to be my mother." Meredith explained with a frown.

"Meredith... You will never be your mother." Derek told her sadly. "You need to quit thinking about that right now. You aren't even close to being your mother!"

"I just... I know what surgery does to a person. We get hooked. We can't pull ourselves away. It's a disease. I would like to think I could handle it, but maybe I can't pull myself away." Meredith admitted. "It's- That is my problem. My weakness. This is my weakness and I am terrified that I will let it consume me."

"I will never let that happen, Mer. Never. I will prevent you from letting that happen. I hope you will do the same for me." He told her with a nod.

"I will. We need to stick together." Meredith told him happily. "You and I."

"Yes." Derek told her with a kiss on the head. Derek looked across the room at the clock. It was already ten. He was late for surgery. "Shit! I'm late."

"Oh my god... It's ten. I said I would be there. Shit!" Meredith said as she ran out the door. She began to rush down the hallway and stopped. She was passing her son's nursery. "Oh..." She muttered as she walked into the room, looking down at the tiny babies. "I'm going to miss you guys... Mommy will miss you so much!"

"They will be okay, Mer." Derek told her as he rubbed her shoulder. "You have to start somewhere." He explained with a smile.

"I do." Meredith agreed as she kissed her babies and followed him out. Derek slowed down, letting her go first. She felt his hand on her back, giving her reassurance as she walked down. "You're sure it's okay?" Meredith asked Tracy as she looked over.

"They will be fine, Meredith. You just focus on getting in there and making more awesome videos." Tracy said with a bid smile.

"Thank you, Tracy. Thank you so much." Meredith repeated. "I will see you in a bit."

"Not too soon. You have no reason to worry." Tracy told her firmly. Meredith sighed and nodded. It wasn't that she wasn't needed. She kept telling herself that. It would all be okay. It had to happen sometime.


	194. Trying To Function

Meredith felt so strange driving in her car alone. She never listened to the music when the kids were in the car. She liked to carry on full-fledged conversations with her children to stimulate their brains. Now she was all alone and unsure of what to do with herself. She had no idea who to talk to when her babies weren't around. She was now using them for entertainment and socialization.

When Meredith pulled into the parking lot of Seattle Grace it felt familiar and strange at the same time. The spot that used to be heres was now occupied by a Toyota Camary. It was her spot, and yet with her absence, she lost it. Admittedly, it made her slightly sad knowing that she had been pushed out, not being there everyday.

"Meredith!" Meredith heard a familiar voice shout.

Meredith heard the voice, it was loud, but far away. She looked up at the balcony, seeing Kristy waving her arms frantically. It had been far too long since she had seen her friend. Kristy and Mark had both been so busy with the hospital that they hadn't been over to see Derek and Meredith at all. Everyone watched as Kristy ran down the stairs and up to Meredith, giving her a big hug.

"I missed you!" Kristy said happily. "How is my girl?" She asked as she thought about Cassidy. She had just told Mark the night before that she was missing Cassidy like crazy and they needed to get over there.

"She is good. Getting big, of course." Meredith said with a smile. "And of course, missing her aunt. She is all upset, thinking you abandoned her!" Meredith joked as she looked into Kristy's eyes.

"Really?" Kristy asked sadly. Meredith knew she was gullible, but she had no idea that she was that gullible.

"No. Not really. But we all miss you!" Meredith admitted as she gave soft smile. "I think even Derek was wondering what you have been up to."

"It's been crazy around here. You have no idea!" Kristy told her with a nod. "So you are back?"

"Um... Not really. I'm just here to volunteer in the clinic. I guess I need to get back in the swing of things." Meredith said, somewhat sadly. She wasn't feeling like doing anything.

"Oh! Well that is great." Kristy told her with a smile. "You need to get back in the swing of things. Everyone misses you!" She added as she looked at her watch. "Oh shoot! I have to go. You have a good say, sweetie." She said as she patted her shoulder and walked off.

Meredith walked towards the clinic, but her mind was somewhere else. All she could think about was her babies. She was worried and hoping that they were okay. Meredith had gotten it in her head that they were only okay if she was taking car of them. She couldn't take it as she began her walk to the clinic, she had to know. Meredith pulled her cellphone out and called her home number.

"Dr. Shepherd said that if you called, I was to tell you to hang up." Tracy said quickly. Derek had warned her about how Meredith would be. "Not that I want to. But that is what he said."

"Are they okay?" Meredith asked with a frown. She was so worried she could barely take it.

"They are fine. Cass and Conner are sleeping and Sean is getting a bath right now. He is a naked baby in my arms." She told her with a smile. "Don't worry about them, they are fine."

"You're sure?" Meredith asked again. She just had a feeling that Tracy was sugar coating it and all was not fine in the world. Meredith was a natural worrier, and when it came to her babies, she was even worse.

"Yes. I promise you. They really are okay." Tracy said firmly. She heard Meredith draw in a breath of relief. Maybe it wasn't relief. Maybe she was actually upset because she wasn't needed.

"Okay then." Meredith said quickly. "I guess... I will see you in a bit." She told her. Meredith flipped her phone shut and dropped her head. She wanted to be needed. She wanted to be here, and at the same time, she wanted to be there.

"They'll be fine." Miranda told her as she walked up. "I'm glad you made it." She added as she looked around. "There is a patient behind curtain one, if you think you are ready." She told her as she pointed.

"Let me change into my scrubs." Meredith said with a sigh. She quickly rushed off, grabbing her scrubs and changed. She should have done it before she even came down, but she had been distracted. Meredith walked back into the clinic and to the curtain where her patient was. "Hello, I'm Dr.- Oh my god!" Meredith said as she looked at the patient, who had turned blue. "Some help over here!" She yelled as she made her way to the patient. "It's okay, Mr. Ramsey." She told him as she went to work.

"What is- Oh my..." Miranda said in shock. Maybe her day wouldn't be so dull after all.

Meredith got right in the middle like she was born to do. She looked at the man's grayish colored skin. He was gasping for breath and clutching his chest. There was not a doubt in her ind that he was having a heart attack. She could see the look of panic on his face as he laid there on his bed. Meredith quickly began to administer CPR as she noticed that he was failing. Meredith was like a robot, so sure of her job, and not paying attention to some of the others who were standing there in shock. Everyone let out a sigh as he came back.

"Where is my intern?" She spat, almost forgetting that Santos was the Attending on staff. She was in between and had signed her contract, but she wasn't officially back.

"You can have Smith." Miranda said quickly, grateful that Meredith was seeming to be back in the game. "Smith, get up here!" Miranda yelled as she looked back.

"Okay... I want an ECHO, Cath, MRI." Meredith spat as she looked at her. The intern stood there and looked at her in shock, not moving. "What is the problem?" She asked, taken aback by the intern's lack of movement.

"Uh... Uh... You're Dr. Grey! You are Meredith Grey!" She said exuberantly. Meredith wanted to laugh at her foolishness, but it was not the time for flattery.

"Actually, I'm Dr. Shepherd. I got married. Read my coat." Meredith said as she shook her head. "And I believe I sent you to do tests. It's not like this man isn't in distress or anything." Meredith huffed as she looked over at her patient, who was laying there in a panic with an oxygen mask on.

"Dr. Shepherd... I don't think we should do those tests." Dr. Smith said as she stood there, not making any attempt to do as Meredith had told her.

"Oh really... So you are the new Cardio attending on staff? Nice to meet you. I guess we have to share the responsibility. So that means if our patient dies, it's on you too. Since you share equal responsibility and all..." Meredith spat, she was getting more than angry with her intern that seemed to question everything she said or did.

"I'm not- I just meant- He is in the free clinic. He doesn't have insurance, I am sure. So I think we should do the least we can." She said sympathetically. She had obviously been thinking a lot about it.

"While I appreciate your concern, this man is in distress. He is most likely needing to have surgery. Surgery to save his life because without it he will die. Now I bet if you give him the option, he is going to chose for us to save his life. We will worry about cost later." Meredith said as she turned and walked away. "Do the tests and find me." She yelled.

Meredith walked through the hospital like she owned the place. She was feeling good about herself and the situation. She had done all the right things and she was sure of herself. Her children were not on her mind at the moment, which was the first time since they had been born. Right now, she was focused on saving lives.

"So I hear you are back." Santos said as he walked up to her. Meredith looked up and it all came back to her. It came back to her why this wasn't her normal routine anymore. Why she stayed home. It was because of the beautiful faces of her children.

"Um." Meredith said simply. She didn't know what she was. She had just gone into some uncontrollable mode where she took change and became the boss. Truly, Santos was the attending and it should be his case. She had been gone nearly a year with maternity leave and had no rights to anything in the hospital. "You can have the case. I was just- You know how it goes." She finally said as she looked up at him.

"I do know how it goes. I have no problem with you doing the surgery if it needs to be done." He told her with a nod. "But I don't know how long Seattle Grace will allow there to be two Cardiac surgeons on their payroll. I know Miranda Bailey doesn't care, but the board may see things differently." He explained.

Meredith looked at him. She knew that he was right. She was going to have to make a decision at some point. She had been putting it off. She had fear that it would look like she didn't care about her kids anymore. She had fear that they wouldn't know her because she was never around. In her heart she knew all of it wasn't true, but it was still right there in front of all the rest.

"I know..." Meredith said with a sigh as she looked past him and down the hallway. "I never thought it would be such a difficult decision." She admitted with a frown.

"Dr. Grey- Er... Shepherd! I think you need to see these!" Dr. Smith shouted from down the hallway. Meredith looked up at Santos, knowing he was the one that should be doing it. She was waiting for his permission.

"Go. It's your case." He said as he waved her off. "And for the record... I think you are back!" He shouted after her, getting no response.

Meredith rushed down the hallway and to the room. She began reading all of the reports, seeing that he was definitely a candidate for and Surgical Ventricular Restoration. She knew he was going to need something and this just proved it to be true. Meredith felt a surge of energy take her over at the chance to cut. She had missed the OR so badly. She was ready to get that high that she always did when she made the first cut.

"Get and OR and prep him." Meredith said with a nod. As she watched her intern rush down the hallway, she wondered... Was she back?

--

Meredith stood in the scrub room and looked through the glass. She had missed it. She missed everything about the hospital, right down to the smell of the soap she used to scrub her hands and arms. It felt so right. She had been born to be a surgeon. It was running through her veins like her mother's. It was in her DNA. She did it second nature. There was no question in her mind when she would go to work on a patient. It came naturally and her confidence showed through. She was one of the best. There was no question about that.

"Are you okay, Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Smith asked as she looked over at Meredith. Meredith was in her pre-surgery zone. Every time she did a procedure, she allowed herself a few minutes of pure focus. It was her time to create her game plan.

"Of course I am." Meredith replied as she glanced over at the intern. She was so young and foolish. It was written all over her face. "It's called focus. You will never be a successful surgeon if you can't get some focus." Meredith explained firmly.

"I have focus." The intern stated boldly. Meredith looked over at her and rolled her eyes. Some people were so stupid. She could hardly believe it.

"Uh huh." Meredith muttered as she turned away and walked through the doors. She found that rather than yelling at the intern, it would be much more purposeful to walk away as if nothing mattered. "Thank you fro coming, everyone. Let's do this." Meredith said with a smile as she walked up to the surgical table.

"Are you ready?" The anesthesiologist asked as he looked up at her. Meredith nodded and smiled. All eyes were on her.

"Okay, Mr.Ramsey. We will be putting you under now. See you in a few hours." Meredith told him as he began to drift off to sleep. They watched as Mr. Ramsey went under general anesthesia and slipped away. "Alright. Let's get this done." Meredith said as she looked over at her scrub nurse. "Go ahead and start the heart lung machine." She told them. She watched as they went to work, knowing exactly what they were supposed to do. "Ten blade." She muttered as she tossed her hand out to the nurse, who promptly handed her what she needed.

"Have you ever seen a ventricular restoration?" Meredith asked as she looked over at her intern.

"Yes. Dr. Santos did one a couple of weeks ago." She explained as she watched Meredith work so meticulously.

"Yes... They are not a rare procedure." Meredith muttered as make a small incision into the left bottom section of the heart. "Do you see all of that scar tissue?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"I do... Wow." She told her with a nod. He was pretty bad, huh?" She asked as she looked at her mentor. She thought that Dr. Santos was great, but this was Meredith Grey. Everyone knew Meredith's story. She was the one that was involved with Adrien deGualle. Dr. Smith would have loved to be trained by Adrien deGaulle.

"Yes. This is an advanced case." Meredith admitted as she studied his heart. "I need the model." Meredith said as she tossed her hand to the side. She felt them place it in her hand, and she placed it in the ventricle, reshaping and stretching the area.

"That isn't how Santos does it." Dr. Smith said as she watched Meredith. Meredith rolled her eyes as she listened.

"Well... This is how I do it." Meredith muttered as she looked away. "This is the John's Hopkins SRV procedure. My husband went there, and he is an excellent surgeon. I have done both, and I like the success rate of this one. You should be fortunate to see the different procedures. I hope that is to your standards." Meredith said quickly as she continued to work.

"No... I mean, yes. This is- I am very grateful to be standing alongside you." She finally stammered out as she looked at Meredith.

"In my opinion, this is the most successful procedure of congestive heart failure. Does it mean I'm right? No. That is just my opinion. If you are going to be a successful surgeon, you need to have solid stands and views. But you can't forget to keep an open mind. Always know what you believe, and don't be afraid to stand up for it." Meredith said with a smile. "Have you ever closed?" She asked as she looked over.

"Um... No." Dr. Smith said apprehensively. "I never have..."

"Well, you are now." Meredith said with a nod as she stepped aside. "Go ahead. Absorbable 3-0." She pointed out as she watched. She felt wonderful. She was teaching. This girl would someday be teaching, and she will have had a part in that. It was in that moment that she realized she loved her job.

"So?" Miranda said as she walked into the scrub room. Meredith felt great after her successful intern. She had been standing there, just taking a moment to herself.

"I'm back." Meredith said with a sigh. "I. Am. Back." And boy was she ready. She loved it. It was her passion. It was what she was born to do. She was back.

**Show the love!**


	195. Just Say No

Derek laid back in the bed. He was angry. Really angry. Today they were going to go shopping for things they needed. They were going to talk about Cassidy's first birthday party that was coming up sooner, rather than later. Today they were going to spend some time together, something at they hadn't done in so long. It seemed that Meredith was so busy in the operating room, that she forgot everything else. Derek would never say it to her, but he wanted to so badly. It would hurt her, but it's true. She was turning into her mother.

Derek had made dinner. He made Meredith pizza. He knew she loved pizza. That was his offering. That was him trying to get her home. Pizza and sex. The sex was more for him. The sex was what he wanted, and hadn't gotten in so long. And yet, she did not come. Instead, he ate dinner with Tracy. He had dinner with Tracy while she was supposedly in emergency surgery. The pizza was now in the refrigerator and the cheese was cold. She never came. She never called.

Derek jumped when he heard the phone ring. It was Meredith. She was late. She hadn't called. He was sure it was her. He was ready to jump down her throat and ream her for what she was doing. In his opinion, she was out of control and he had abandoned her family. When he answered that phone, he was going to rip her a new one.

"What?" Derek snapped as he answered the phone. He was curt because he felt curt. He felt that she needed to know, right off the bat.

"Derek?" He heard Kristy's sweet voice say. Derek immediately felt guilty for being so rude. He could only assume it would be her. The simple fact that is wasn't Meredith only made him more angry.

"Hey, Kris. I'm sorry." Derek said quickly. He knew how sensitive she was, and he didn't want to risk her getting upset over anything. "I didn't mean to-"

"Who made you mad?" She asked as she looked over at Mark. Mark was looking at her, wondering just what was going on. He had heard Derek when he had answered the phone.

"Um... That isn't important." Derek said with a sigh. He wanted to yell. He wanted to vent his frustrations all over the place. "What do you need?" He asked softly.

"Oh... I was just wondering if Meredith was there. I have these great ideas for Cass' party." Kristy told him with a happy tone. She wanted to be right there in the middle of that baby's life.

"Well... Meredith isn't here. She's not here, and I doubt she will be anytime soon." Derek said frankly. That was the way he was feeling. She may as well take up residence in an exam room. God forbid she miss anything that were to happen.

"Oh wow... Derek, you don't sound very happy. In fact, you seem pretty pissed off. Do you want to vent? I think maybe you should talk about it." Kristy said frankly. She really felt that he needed to. She would hate for Meredith to come home to Derek when he was acting that way.

"I am pissed off. She has dumped us. It's like we don't matter! I mean, she is her mother. Yes, I said it. She is Ellis Grey. All she cares about is that fucking OR. I don't understand how she can place these people over her children. Yes, she is saving lives, but at the same times, she is ignoring ours. She is doing procedures that residents can do. Her fellow is amazing, and she is doing all the work when he could be helping out. She has got to stop this. I can't deal with this anymore." Derek said with exasperation.

"It sounds like it. Have you talked to her, Derek?" Kristy asked, knowing it was a lame question, but feeling the need to actually ask it.

"Well... No. In fact, I haven't had a chance. See, while she is off having fun, I'm doing diapers." Derek growled. "If it was up to her, Cass' party would be in the gallery, while she is in OR two doing surgery."

"Derek... You know Mer. That is not true." She told him quickly. "She just... She doesn't have her priorities straight. She needs to be swayed in the right direction." Kristy told him with a nod and a smile, not that he could see it.

"I'm so damn mad at her! And I can't talk to her because she is never around. Never. She comes to bed when I am asleep. She is gone when I wake up. I've had no sex. I need sex. She has to need sex. Unless is getting it from-" He started saying something he was going to regret.

"Don't you even go there!" Kristy spat quickly. She knew Meredith well enough to know that she was not ever going to cheat on Derek. She would never even consider it. She knew that Derek knew that too.

"You're right... I'm just mad." Derek agreed. "I guess I just need to talk to her." Derek agreed with a sigh. "I need to talk... If I can find her."

"You find her, and you make her listen. Be nice. But make her listen." She told him quickly. She knew that Meredith had been distracted. She also knew that if she didn't knock it off, there would be an army after her.

"Thank, Kris. You have a good night." Derek said with a sigh.

"You too, Derek." Kristy said quickly as she looked over at Mark. Mark gave her a knowing look. He had an inkling of what was going on.

Derek laid back and flipped the light off. He was tired of waiting, and he knew that if he called her, it would be fruitless. He couldn't tell her what he needed to over the phone. He knew that she would either not listen, or she wouldn't even answer the phone. Derek punched his pillow and rolled over, letting out a loud breath. It would be nice to have his wife home. It would be great.

Meredith climbed behind the wheel of her Volvo. She hadn't been home in a long time. In fact, she wouldn't even remember how long it had been. She was a bit ashamed of herself for being such a horrible wife and mother. It seemed like the case load built up and she couldn't really slow it down. She had every intention of getting home, but by the end of the day, the on-call room was just too inviting.

Meredith drove through the quiet streets of Seattle. She was exhausted. She wasn't even sure how she was driving. All she could assume was that she was on autopilot, because she wasn't really aware of her surroundings. At the moment, she wasn't even thinking about the accident that almost took her life. She was just rolling along. She roamed through the lonely streets of her neighborhood, finally making it to her house.

"Oh..." Meredith muttered as she bumped into the tool bench with her car. She was sure no damage was done, and the truth was, she was just too tired to care if there was.

The house was dark, and Meredith was starving. She was so tired, but she knew if she went up to bed, she wouldn't be able to sleep because all she would think about was food. She opened the refrigerator door and frowned, seeing the pizza Derek said he was going to make. She grabbed a big slice and took a bite. She always had been one to eat it cold. Meredith smiled at the taste. She loved Derek's pizza more than anything.

Meredith took her shoes off and stumbled up the stairs. She had one piece of cold pizza in her hand and a bottle of water in the other. She quickly walked to Cassidy's nursery and smiled. Her daughter looked so sweet and peaceful. Meredith took in a deep breath of he soft scent and gave her a kiss on the head. Meredith walked out of her room and continued down to Conner and Sean's nursery. As she looked at the two of them, she was amazed at how similar they were. She gave them each a soft kiss and stepped out.

Meredith walked into her dark room. She could hear Derek's shallow breathing, proving that he was asleep. She knew she would have to be quiet. He was a light sleeper, and she didn't want him to get awoken in the middle of the night for no reason. She took the last bite of her pizza and made he was into the bathroom, carrying out her nightly ritual. She pulled on her pajamas and walked out of the bathroom, creeping silently.

"So you finally decide to come home?" Derek growled as he looked up at her from across the dark room. Meredith nearly jumped out of her skin, not expecting him to be awake.

"Derek!" She gasped as she looked at him in shock. She could see from across the room that he was angry. It was easy for her to see that he was not going to be very cordial. "What are you doing up?"

"It's hard not be up when you are wondering where your wife is. It's hard not to be up when you lay here and think about whether she is laying in a ditch somewhere. I wonder if this time you really did die in your damn car. And then of course, I think about you being attacked outside the hospital. See, Mer... This is why I do not sleep. This is why I am up." Derek snapped as he looked into her eyes. Meredith looked at him in shock. He was angrier than she had ever seen him.

"Oh come on, Derek!" Meredith said angrily. "Like you don't know how it is! Like you don't know what it is like to have everyone pulling you in every direction. No, not you. You have never been stuck. You are the model that everyone should follow. I have never called you when you were in surgery. I have never hounded you about coming home. And now you do this to me?" She asked in shock as she glared at him.

"You bet your ass I do this to you!" Derek said angrily. "When you don't come home for two days, you bet your ass. Our kids won't even know you pretty soon. I say no. They ask me to stay, and damn it Mer, I say no. I have a family that needs me. Maybe that makes me less of a surgeon, but you know what? I don't care! I would rather be less of a surgeon and more of a father and husband. I plan on you being here long after I retire. What matters more?" He said loudly. He was being too loud, and the opposite of what Kristy told him to be.

"I can do both, Derek! I can't believe you are acting this way. You have no reason. I haven't been home for two days. That's bad, but it isn't that bad!" Meredith shouted as she stood at the foot of the bed.

"Do you even care, Mer? Do you care about the kids? Are you having regrets about this? Do you wish we never had the kids?" Derek asked. It broke his heart, but he had to ask for his own piece of mind.

"Fuck you, Derek. I'm going to bed. I can't do this with you. Not right now." She said as she laid down in their bed and covered up. Derek looked at her in shock. She was going to bed. It was like she didn't care.

Derek wasn't sure how he slept, but he did. He was so angry with Meredith as he fell asleep the night before. His anger only grew as he heard her begin to snore. He didn't understand how she could come home and go to sleep so easily. He was angry and stressed out, and here she was, sleeping the night away as if she hadn't a care in the world.

Derek laid there and looked at the alarm clock. It was almost time for her to get up. She had a half of an hour left of sleep and he wanted to be awake before her. He wanted to be right there at the breakfast table so they could talk about everything that they needed to talk about. He wanted to nip her problem in the bud before it became an issue out of control. He needed to pull her back from the darkside. She needed to stay out of the trap that was so easy to fall into.

Derek sat at the table, eating his muesli. It was as he ate his tasteless breakfast that he heard the shower start to run. That was just one more thing that irritated him. She hadn't taken a shower before bed. He thought she'd at least have the courtesy to shower before she laid her germ ridden body in their bed. It was in that moment that he realized their house wasn't well soundproofed and he could hear everything.

Derek had already made his rounds, seeing all of his sleeping children. He loved the morning when it was so quiet and he could just give them soft kisses as they slept. He loved having time with them when he knew they were just absorbing the love that he shared with them. He wondered as he sat there, if she did the same. He wondered as she walked down their stairs if she had even made a stop in either of the nurseries.

"Morning." Meredith grumbled as she poured coffee in her cup. Coffee that he had made. He wondered if she would even bother drinking if he hadn't made it. He wondered if she would make her own. Derek sat there, spooning his muesli in his mouth, feeling the cold milk dribble down his chin. "So you aren't talking to me now?" Meredith snapped as she grabbed the toaster and sat it down heavily on the granite countertop.

"You didn't want to talk last night." Derek grumbled as he wiped his face with the summer themed paper napkin.

"Last night I was tired. Quit being petulant, Derek. You don't wear it well. In fact, you look like a complete fool." She grumbled as she rolled her eyes. Meredith placed two slices of cinnamon swirl bread in the toaster and popped it down.

"I think you are the one that is famous for the puerile outbursts, Mer." Derek pointed out as he took the last bite of his cereal, abandoning the oats that refused to stay on his spoon. He finally shoved the bowl across the tile topped table and shook his head.

"So we are into the big words. Huh?" Meredith asked as she tossed her hot toast on the plate and grabbed the butter. "I didn't want to talk last night. I was tired. And now... I'm not so sure I want to talk to you now." Meredith said as she cut her toast diagonally across the center. "Not if you are going to be an ass."

"I'm not the ass, here. Meredith... I won't do this. Your father- I just... I won't do this. I refuse to sit here and watch as you give complete strangers your time, as your children grow without a mother." Derek said quickly. "I love you baby... Don't ever question that. But I love them too. If I think you are wronging them, I have to protect."

"Protect! You make it sound like I am up there beating the crap out of them. God, Derek. I am working a lot. I'm not... Abusing them." Meredith said quickly as she placed her plate on the table with a loud clang.

"It is abuse. Love them, Mer. Just love them. They love you. And right now, it is okay. But soon, it won't be. Soon they will realize that they only see Tracy and dad. Soon enough, they will think Tracy is their mom. Cassidy is babbling all the time. Do you want her to call Tracy mom? Is that what you want? Do you want to miss out on all the things that matter?" Derek asked with raised brows.

As Meredith sat there, she felt sick in her stomach. He was right. She was already missing things. She was missing out on the tiny accomplishments that she would never get back. She stared down at her golden brown toast and swallowed hard. If they called Tracy mom, it would break her hear into pieces. She was quickly seeing Derek's point. She was realizing that she was making more mistakes and gaining less than she ever had.

"Oh my god!" Meredith cried out as she came to the realization that she had made huge mistakes. "They... Cassidy... She knows. Mom is never here. She hates me, Derek. Oh my god! She hates me!" Meredith cried out as she collapsed on the table.

"No, no, Mer." Derek said as he jumped up from the table and wrapped his arms around her. "It's not too late. It will be fine. You just...need to remember." Derek told her as he kissed her on the head. "I love you. And you... You are a great mom, who happens to be a surgeon."

"I want to be a better mom. I do. I just... I need to cut back. Maybe- I don't know how. I don't know how you do it. They all want me. They want me, and I eat it up. I can't help it. I am so desired, and I eat it up like candy. I need to say no. How do you say no?" Meredith asked quickly as she looked up at him.

"You do it. You say no. You have to make a decision. I made mine. I will not risk losing you or the kids. Not over something stupid. So, I say no. I say no for you. for Sean. For Conner. For Cass. I just say no. You need to learn to say no." Derek told her with a smile.

"You're right. I need to... Just say no." She agreed with a nod. She had to. For her family.


	196. Making Moves

Derek smiled as Meredith stirred their dinner in the pot. She had been coming home nearly every night. There was a night when there was a massive accident on the freeway, and neither of them made it home, but in all she was always there at dinner time. Occasionally she would sneak out during her lunch break and run home to spend some time with the kids. Derek was loving every minute of his family time.

"Why are you smiling?" Meredith asked as she looked over at the cheesy grin that was all over Derek's face. Seeing him that way only made Meredith smile more.

"I'm just happy, that's all." Derek pointed out with a head shake as he walked over to the stove and kissed her temple.

"Happy? Why? What happened?" Meredith asked as she looked at her stir fry, satisfied that it was done and she was more than ready to eat.

"Life. Life happened. Specifically, life with you." Derek told her with a nod as he kissed her again. "You never know what it means to have everything you ever wanted until you have it." Derek explained. "I never thought I could be so happy. Waking up to you every morning is enough to carry me through the rest of my life."

"Derek, you are so corny. When did this happen to you? When did you begin saying all these corny things?" She asked with a giggle as she turned the heat off on the stove and grabbed the serving dish.

"That would be the day I realized that I was the luckiest man in the world." He told her with an agreeing nod. Meredith had to giggle as she felt Derek nestle his face into her neck and peck a few soft kisses.

"So you guys are sure you have them for the night?" Tracy asked as she walked in. Meredith had to let a little smile form on her lips as she looked at the young woman, ready for a date.

"They are our children..." Meredith said softly. "I think we may be able to handle them." She teased as she put the rice she was cooking in a bowl. "Have fun."

"See you later." Derek said with a smile. "And no glove, no love." He added as he looked up. Meredith watched Tracy turn red in the face.

"Derek! Stop..." Meredith muttered as she elbowed him. "Just make sure he wears a raincoat." Meredith added, watching Tracy turn her head and walk away.

"See you later." She said as she grabbed her jacket and rushed out the door.

"That was bad." Meredith said as she shook her head. "She isn't comfortable talking about sex, you know." She told him frankly. "I can't really scold you when I teased her right alongside you." She agreed as she took a sip of wine. "Mark and Kristy better get here soon. They're late and the food will be horrible."

"It will be fine. And they will be here." Derek added as he looked at her and smiled. "Don't you fret, my dear."

"Why don't you get the babies and bring them down here?" Meredith asked as she finished getting their food on serving platters.

"Sounds like a plan." Derek agreed as he walked off and jogged up the stairs.

Meredith was happy. She was happy just as Derek was. She teased him about the perfectness of it all, but she felt it. Their life was as close to perfect as she could ever imagine. She woke up in the morning and felt the same way. Even in the days when Derek was angry with her, she was still happy to wake up beside the love of her life. Derek would still be her rock no matter.

"Hello?" Meredith heard Mark yell from the door as he and Kristy walked in.

"In the kitchen!" Meredith shouted as she began placing food on the dining room table. She smiled as Mark and Kristy walked in with a bottle of wine in their hands. "How are you guys?" She asked as she gave them both a slight hug.

"We're great." Mark answered with a nod. "And you look good." He added with a smile as he kissed her cheek. "Where are my kids?" He asked with a smile as he looked around.

"Well, two are in the pack and play and one is right here." He told them as he held Cassidy and gave her a kiss. "Look at daddy's little girl. She is crawling all over the place." Derek pointed out.

"Oh! Let me see. It's been so long. Way too long!" Kristy said as she watched Derek walk her to the family room and place her on the floor. They all watched as she began to crawl around the room happily, content with her newfound freedom.

"She is so cute, guys." Mark said with a smile as he watched her. Meredith and Derek beamed as they watched their daughter crawl around. She was growing up so fast. Derek was right, she needed to be around, not in the operating room. She needed to be with her family. Family is what counts.

"I swear she is going to walk soon." Derek said proudly. There was nothing that Cassidy couldn't do in his eyes. She was perfection and he wasn't afraid to tell anyone that.

"Well, I know I was walking before I was a year old, and she is almost a year." Meredith said quickly. She knew Derek was quick to put Cassidy on a pedestal, but she was no more advanced than any other child.

"Oh, I walked early!" Derek boasted as he stood there. Meredith and Kristy looked at each other and began laughing loudly.

Sure you did." Kristy said as she rolled her eyes. Meredith shook her head in agreement. They both knew better, and they were going to make sure that Derek knew it.

"You were way over a year, Derek. Your mom said you were such a little chunk, you couldn't even get up on your legs!" Meredith laughed as she looked at Kristy and Mark. Mark was eating it up, and Kristy already knew all of it.

"That's not true!" Derek defended quickly. "Maybe Kathleen, but not me. No, I walked early." He explained as he nodded his head and watched his daughter.

"Okay... Sure." Meredith giggled as she shook her head at his foolishness.

"It's true, Mer." Derek responded loudly. It was obvious that he was getting irritated. Meredith and Kristy both ignored him and went on watching the little girl that was making her rounds.

"I'm gonna get you..." Meredith warned as she slowly walked towards her. Cassidy screamed and crawled off quickly. It was an obvious game of cat and mouse and the little girl enjoyed it.

"So what about the boys?" Mark asked as he walked over to the port a crib and looked in. "They are strapping young boys. Are they crawling?" He asked, already thinking the boys were bigger, stronger and far superior.

"Some." Meredith said softly. "It's more of a belly rub." She giggled, thinking about how they rolled around, seeming to scratch their bellies. "But occasionally, there is some air between them and the floor."

"Smart men." Mark pointed out as he looked at the twins, sleeping right against each other. Derek looked in and them and smiled, he loved his little men so much. "See boys, you need to find someone to scratch that belly for you." Mark pointed out frankly.

"Oh, I'm sure they will have a daddy willing to do anything they ask." Meredith said with a giggle, thinking about how Derek would bend over backwards for them, at times looking like a complete fool.

"Most likely." Derek agree as he smiled at the boys, who were looking up and them and waking up. Derek looked into the double set of pure innocent blue before him. "Would you boys like to come out?" Derek asked as he reached in and grabbed Conner. Conner looked at his dad and got a cheesy grin on his face. "Look at you! You are such a goof." He told him as he kissed his cheek.

"Would you like to come out, Mr. Grumpy?" Mark asked with a chuckle as he reached in, grabbing Sean. "Aren't you a handsome guy?" He asked as he looked into his eyes. Sean scrunched his nose and looked towards his sister, who was in Kristy's arms. His eyes quickly moved towards his mom, and he let a small smile form on his lips. "Of course he smiles at mom."

"Mom has something that the rest of us do not." Derek said with a chuckle as he looked at his son, knowing what he wanted.

"What is that?" Kristy asked dumbly. As soon as she said it, it hit her and she realized. "Boobs. Does your mom have a meal on board for you?" She asked as she rubbed his fat cheek.

"I'm telling you, these are exceptionally smart boys." Mark said with a chuckle. Derek smirked at the comment.

"Of course you would say that!" Kristy said in disgust as she looked over at him and rolled her eyes. "Can I put the princess back down? She is wanting to go to the floor and run wild."

"Of course." Meredith said with a nod. "In fact, let them all down and let chaos begin." She laughed as she watched them set the children down. Cassidy quickly tore off, her brothers attempting and failing. They heard them whimper as they watched their sister going so successfully. "You can do it, boys." Meredith said as she got the floor with them. Sean cried as he looked up at her, conner quickly following suit. "Oh... You're okay. You are both okay." She told them softly, cocking her head.

"Jealous little stinkers, aren't they?" Mark asked as he watched the boys laying there, crying.

"They are." Meredith admitted as she sat there, waiting for them to try again. Cassidy looked up at her mom and quickly crawled towards her, babbling loudly. "Can you say mama?" Meredith asked as she crawled to her lap. "Cass, say mama."

"Ba." Cassidy spat as she looked at her mom. "Bababa."

"No, mamama." Meredith clarified quickly. "I don't think she'll ever say it." Meredith said with a frown.

"Oh, she will... When you least expect it." Kristy pointed out with a smile. Meredith looked down at her daughter. It was probably true.

The babies crawled around until they tired themselves out. The adults were thankful, seeing as their dinner was quickly getting cold. No one really thought about dinner as Cassidy cruised around the great room and the boys attempted to scoot along. Sean would get mad whenever Conner would make a move. He was an extremely jealous baby and Meredith and Derek both knew it would be a problem eventually.

"They are adorable." Mark stated with a nod. "You guys are so lucky." He pointed out with a smile. He knew that Kristy had a big part in giving them what they wanted, but at the same time, he was so glad that they had done it. He never questioned giving his friends that gift.

"We are. We are so lucky. Or at least that is what I tell myself when they scream in the middle of the night." Meredith joked as she placed the food on the table.

"I can't imagine. Not everyday. Everyday, now that would be hell. I mean, your life is no longer your own. Mark and I take sex and sleep for granted, I suppose." Kristy pointed out as she looked over at Mark. She knew there was a reason that she and Mark didn't have children.

"It's not that bad. Mer is being a drama queen. They actually sleep through most of the night. And some nights we still have Tracy take care of them. It's not bad. It was our dream. We are living our dream." Derek told them both softly. He truly believed that. There wasn't a part of him that regretted any decisions they had made.

"He's right. We have wonderful children." Meredith agreed as she stood up and motioned for Derek to open the bottle of wine.

"Can you have that?" Kristy asked with a frown. When she and Mark had gotten the bottle of wine, they didn't think about the fact that Meredith was breast feeding. They knew that Derek would be able to enjoy it, but Meredith should be able to also.

"I can!" Meredith said happily. "We actually had an appointment with the pediatrician and the twins are now on formula." Meredith said with a smile as she began filling glasses for everyone.

"Apparently Mer's milk is good stuff. The boys are little chunks." Derek teased as he looked over at the great room, knowing they were fast asleep. "They were ready. It was hard on Mer, but they were ready."

"There is a connection..." Meredith said more to herself than anyone. She looked over at Mark, who looked back at her with a raised eyebrow. "Shut up, Mark. It's true. There is something about it... It is amazing. To know that you are filling your children with what they need for life... Never mind." Meredith said as she sipped her wine.

"I get it, Mer. I mean, I don't get it because I am a man, but I do know what you are talking about." Mark told her with a nod. "I know that there is that maternal connection between a mother and her children. I'm sure in your case, that is very strong."

"I live for those kids." Meredith said with a smile as she took a bite of her food. She drew in a breath, so happy to have her family and friends around her. They made her so happy. She always knew that no matter what, they were there for her. There was no better feeling in the world. "And Derek too, of course." She added with a smile as she grabbed for his hand under the table. It was of course, right there.

"So... The party." Kristy said quickly, seeing that Meredith was ready to tear up. She was always ready to tear up when she talked about the love she had for her children. "I think princess theme." Kristy said with a smile.

"Princess? Cass? No way!" Meredith and Derek both joked. They knew she was the ultimate princess. There was no baby more ladylike or dainty that Cassidy Bella Shepherd. Even when she crawled, she was being careful of where she was going.

"No, not Cass. She is all tomboy." Kristy said smartly as she rolled her eyes. "I saw this dress... I am getting her this dress. She will look adorable in it. And all the princess themed things. I'm not talking Disney princesses. Cass is not animated. She is a real princess. I even found the cutest barrettes with cubic zirconia studs."

"Oh no... Our princess gets real diamonds." Derek said frankly. Meredith started laughing and then looked over at him, realizing he was not kidding.

"No, Derek. She is far too young for diamonds. She is a baby. She will most likely stick them in her mouth and laugh at us. She doesn't need diamonds until she is an old lady." Meredith told him as she looked around the table, seeing that Mark and Kristy agreed.

"You say that now." Derek told her with a chuckle, knowing that he would do what he wanted for his daughter. His daughter would be the most spoiled in Seattle, if not the world.

"So, the guest list..." Kristy chipped in, asking who was coming. Meredith nodded her head and smiled. She wanted everyone there on her daughter's first birthday.

"Everyone." Meredith said quickly. She did want everyone there. There were so many people from the hospital that she wanted to share their joy and get in on the festivities.

"Your mother?" Derek asked as he looked at her, knowing that everyone did not include Ellis.

"My mother? No! No way is she coming. No freaking way." Meredith said sharply. She would not have her come and ruin everything.


	197. Waking Together

Meredith laid in her bed, the sun shining on her face. It was a bittersweet day. She wished it were a year ago, so that she could see her daughter born all over again. She was so thankful for Cassidy. She was thankful for Kristy, who gave her the greatest gift in the world. She never knew what time flies meant until she experienced it. The last year had flown. Her babies were growing up.

Derek laid in the bed next to his wife. She had been sleeping, but he felt her wake up. It was both the absence of her snoring and the movement in the bed that tipped him off. This was the highlight of his day. It was that moment before he would open his eyes. It was when he knew that he would open his blue eyes to her green. He would feel that feeling that always got him right in the heart. It was complete happiness.

"Good morning." Derek said softly as he opened his eyes and looked over. He looked in shock, as he saw her red rimmed eyes, full of tears. "What's wrong? Mer! Why are you crying?" Derek asked with wide eyes as he rolled closer to her.

"I'm okay." Meredith whimpered as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Derek looked at her, not believing a word she said. He quickly wiped her tears with his thumb.

"Tell me what is wrong, honey." Derek said softly as he rubbed her shoulder gently. Meredith let out a deep breath at his touch. He made her melt. He made her feel so much better, just being there with her. "Tell me..."

"It's nothing... It's just- She is a year old. I'm not sad. It's just so bittersweet. She is getting so big. She will be going to college. Getting married. I can't take it, Derek. I feel like life is passing by so quickly." She told him with a frown.

"That is life, Mer. That is why we have to enjoy every little bit of it. We need to take in every little moment." He told her as he kissed her forehead. "You stay right here." Derek told her as he jumped out of the bed and left the room.

Meredith was so worried about missing things. She was so worried that she would miss out on a big accomplishment when she was in surgery. She was worried that her job would hold her back from her family life. She had been trying hard, but she still had to work. She had to be away, and surely Cass would do something major when Tracy was watching her.

"Here's mom." Derek said happily as he walked into the room, holding their daughter. Cassidy giggled loudly and began kicking. It was obvious that she wanted to see her mom, and she wanted to see her now.

"Eh! Eh!" Cassidy cried out as she threw her ams in Meredith's direction. Meredith smiled. Cassidy always made her feel loved.

"What do you say, Cass? Can you say mom? Can you say mama?" Derek asked as he kissed her head. "Say mama..."

"Eh! Eh..." Cassidy cried out as Derek sat on the bed. Meredith sat up and accepted the child that Derek was handing her. Cassidy laid against her mom, as she always did when she got close to her.

"How is mama's girl? Today is your birthday! You are one today!" Meredith told her as she gave her a sloppy kiss on the lips.

"Happy birthday, Cass!" Derek said as he leaned over and kissed her. Meredith sat her down on the bed, and let her climb over to her dad. Derek smiled as she scaled his leg and reached up with her hands. "What are you doing? You are such a big girl!" Derek told her as he reached for her and pulled her close. "Give dad a hug!" Derek said as he pulled her close. She laid against him, and put her head on his shoulder.

"So today is the big day... We should be out of bed. We should be getting ready. But this feels so perfect." Meredith admitted as she looked over at him.

"We have awhile." Derek told her as he looked over at the clock. "We have all the time in the world, right Cass?" He asked as he held her up and then pulled her in and kissed her. "Say ma." Derek told her as he looked into her eyes. They were a blue green, just a touch darker than Meredith's. "Come on, you can do it. I could be asking for Dad, but I'm not selfish." He joked as he kissed her cheek.

"Ma!" Cassidy squealed as she reached for Meredith.

Meredith's eyes lit up as she looked at her little girl. She had actually said it. She was in such shock. She never expected that Cassidy would say it. She knew she would eventually, but she wasn't expecting it. She quickly snatched the baby up and looked at Derek in shock. She was so proud of her little girl. She felt the tears slide down as she looked over at Derek.

"Did she? Did she really? Did she say ma?" Meredith asked with wide eyes as she looked at Derek.

"Ma! Mama!" Cassidy said happily as she looked into her mother's eyes.

"I think that was your confirmation..." Derek said with a nod. He couldn't help but beam. They really did have it all.

Meredith and Derek stumbled through their morning routine. They were both tired just from the busy work week. Meredith has been riding the emotional roller coaster of her daughter turning a year old, and Derek had been overly busy with cases at the hospital. Derek and Meredith sat at the kitchen table in their pajamas, three babies in their high chairs.

"Look at us." Meredith said with a laugh as she looked around.

They looked like the typical family. Meredith and Derek would never admit that they had fallen into the typical trap. There were parents all the way. Long gone were the days of sleepless sex filled nights. The babies generally slept all night, but by the time their heads hit the pillow, they were ready for sleep and nothing else. Meredith didn't feel like she was missing out on anything.

"I know. I know. Believe me, I know. But I have to say, I love it all. Even if you are covered in some unknown food." Derek laughed as he looked at her.

"Hey... This is good stuff. Try it." Meredith said as she spooned him out a bite. Derek looked down at the spoon and scrunched his nose. It's yellow and pinkish color did nothing to appeal to him.

"I'd really rather not." Derek said as he turned up his nose and looked away. Meredith shook her head and proceeded to get closer. Derek huffed loudly and opened his mouth. "Hey... That's pretty good! What is it?" Derek asked as he chewed the mush.

"Ham, scrambled eggs and cheese, all mixed in the grinder." Meredith said with a nod. It was all food that was really good separate, and not too bad together. Cassidy loved to eat whatever they were eating in her own little bowl.

"Cass, are you feeding yourself?" Derek asked as he watched her take a handful of food and shove it in her mouth. "Are you eating like mom?"

"Hey!" Meredith growled as she looked over at him. She moved over and gave a spoonful to Sean and then one to Conner. She had to use the assembly line method, and she had to move quickly. They would all throw fits when they had nothing in their mouthes. "Don't listen to him, guys. Daddy is just a big meanie!" She said as she moved back down line, feeding them all a bite, once again.

"Hello!" They both heard fro the back front door. They immediately knew it was Kristy. Marley rushed up from under the table and began barking, making the babies turn their heads. They had all gotten used to the loud sound that came from the family dog.

"You're early!" Meredith said loudly as she looked up. She looked up in shock as she saw a familiar person right alongside her.

"It's never to early to set up for a party!" Linda said with a big smile as she walked in with Kristy and looked at her son, and family.

"Mom!" Derek and Meredith said in shock as they looked up at her. She looked fantastic. They both noticed her new haircut immediately. She looked less like a grandmother and more like a cougar. Derek looked her up and down. Something was different. Something was definitely different.

Derek had been slightly down. He had talked to his mother about coming, and she said she couldn't. Her excuse was that there were big things going on at the church and she had to be around for them. He would never admit that he was hurt, but he had been. He didn't like that his mother wasn't going to show up for her granddaughter's first birthday.

"Like I would miss this!" Linda said as she hugged them both. Her eyes quickly traveled to her grandchildren. The first thing she noticed was Cassidy's eyes. She was beginning to look more like her mother. Cassidy's hair was much lighter and she was starting to get her mother's facial features. "Look at those green eyes!"

"I know... They look just like Mer's." Derek agreed as he looked at his wife, and then his child. "I have a feeling that Conner's will be changing too." Derek pointed out, noticing that they were changing subtly.

"Beautiful children... Such a beautiful family. Son, you have no idea how lucky you are. You have a wife that would lay down and die for you, and three kids that are perfectly happy and healthy." Linda told him as she kissed her grandkids on the head. "You smell so good, Sean. Don't give me that grump face!" She warned as she touched his nose. Sean let out a loud giggle, much to everyone's surprise.

"Did the grump just smile?" Kristy asked in shock, as she stood there holding the garment bag that held Cassidy's princess dress.

"I believe he did." Meredith said as she looked at him. "So maybe mama's grumpy boy isn't so grumpy after all?" Meredith asked with a smile as she kissed him on the forehead. "Such a sweet boy!"

"Yes, Conner... You are sweet too." Meredith told Conner as she gave him a bite of his breakfast. "They get big so quick." Meredith told Linda as she looked down at them.

"Dear, you have no idea. I can still see myself doing just what you are doing now, with Derek. Enjoy it. Make a mental note to never forget it. It is what you will treasure for the rest of your life." Linda warned. Life did go fast. The key is to enjoy and realize just what you have.

--

The house was abuzz with activity. It wasn't until they started preparing for the party that she realized that it was a lot of work. Meredith ran around the house like she was insane as everyone threw another thing on her list. Linda seemed perfectly content just playing and taking care of the kids. Kristy was doing all the dainty stuff and Meredith was doing the grunt work.

Derek worked out in the backyard. The weather was perfect for an outdoor party. They had a lawn service come in and do a really good job cleaning the yard and all of the lawn furniture. Derek had purchased tables and all of the extra things so that it could be perfect, just as Kristy wanted. He had to chuckle at himself. He was sure that he and Meredith would have been just as content having a traditional party with a homemade cake.

"Having fun?" Meredith asked as she walked out, looking like a mess. Derek had to laugh, she looked adorable in her pajama pants and hair tangled and plastered on her head in a sweaty mess.

"No." Derek said frankly as he sat up another table. He was leaving the frilly tablecloths for everyone everyone else to put on. "And Kristy is not forcing me to wear a tuxedo." He warned. Meredith's eyes go really wide as she listened to what he said.

"What do you mean?" She asked as she looked him in the eyes. "What do you mean, a tux?" She repeated. "Why would you have to wear that?"

"Kristy is talking about a dress code. She said the people who are throwing the party should play along with the princess theme." Derek explained. Meredith looked at him in shock. It was a party for a one-year-old. This was not a ball.

"Nope. Don't worry about that. We are not doing that. This is a party for a baby. This is supposed to be fun." Meredith said as she walked off in a huff. "And put those tablecloths on!" She shouted as she slammed the door.

"Of course..." Derek groaned as he looked down. At least Meredith was going to set Kristy in place.

"Kris!" Meredith shouted as she walked in the house. She was ready to pounce on her. She didn't want her pushing everyone around and taking over the party. "Kristy!"

"Yeah?" Kristy asked as she walked into the kitchen. Meredith clenched her jaw and looked at her. It was next to impossible to stay angry with her. "Is there a problem?"

"Yes... I think there may be." Meredith said softly. "Derek is not wearing a tux. And I am not wearing a dress. This is a party for a baby. She won't remember. And all that matters is that everyone has fun. It doesn't have to be perfect. All she needs to do is laugh, giggle and shove cake in her face. She could do that with a lopsided cake that I made. We need to relax, Kris. This party will be no fun if everyone is freaking out." Meredith said quickly.

Kristy stood there in shock. She wanted it to be perfect and it wasn't. As she looked into Meredith's tired eyes, she saw her point. Meredith was tired and needed a break. Kristy needed to step back. As much as she loved Cassidy, she was not her baby, and this was not her choice. She sighed sadly. She just wanted to take part in it and make it the best party ever.

"You're right." I guess I just got wrapped up in it. I'm so sorry. I just love Cassidy so much. In ten years I want her to look at the video and know that. I want her to never question that she always deserves the best, whether it be in love or life." Kristy said softly. Meredith nodded, seeing her point.

"It will be good, Kristy. You did a good job. Some things are more important than others. Not to mention, Cassidy is the star of the show here, not us." She told he frankly. "I got everything done on the list. I need to go take a shower, since this will be starting soon."

"I think almost everything is done." Kristy pointed out as Meredith walked off, followed by Derek. Derek looked at her and shook his head, letting her know she was not in charge.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked as she walked up the stairs, feeling Derek's hand on her ass. Derek took a grab and smiled. "No... Not now!" Meredith said loudly as she looked back at him. "It's her birthday..."

"So I can't fuck mommy because it's her birthday. Believe me... Cass wants mommy happy. Daddy can make mommy really happy." Derek pointed out as he looked into her eyes. Meredith noticed his eyes turning dark as they always did at the chance of sex.

"Go to one of the other showers, Derek." Meredith told him as she went through her clothes, looking for something to wear. Derek shook his head and began picking out his own clothing.

"Sure... Uh huh." Derek muttered, knowing he was going to get what he wanted. He needed her. He found her sexy when she was all sweaty and gross from working. It reminded him of the sweaty sex sessions they had in the past.

"Yes." Meredith said as she walked away and into the master bathroom. Derek frowned as she pushed the door shut, leaving barely a crack for him to look through. He smiled as he watched every scarp of clothing fall to the floor, leaving her perfect body. Somehow he never noticed the scars anymore. She was his perfection.

Derek couldn't take it. The minute he heard the shower turn on, he walked in quietly. He was joining her. He needed to feel her moist folds. He needed to taste her soft skin on his tongue. He quickly dropped his clothes alongside hers and walked to the door. He knew his hard cock would changed her mind as it stood on end, the blood pumping. Derek pulled the door open and walked in.

"What?" Meredith shouted as she felt his strong hands run over her body. "No! I told you no!" Meredith said loudly as she turned around and looked at him. "Oh." She muttered as she looked at his cock. "Damn you, Derek. Damn. You."

"Oh yes... Damn me... But only if you fuck me." He said as he attacked her chest. He always got his way.

"We can't do this, Der!" Meredith whined as she ran her fingers through his hair. His hair was just barely damp from the water spray. Derek's mouth was fast and furious as it attacked her nipples, pulling her breasts away from her body. "Oh god, I guess we can..." He moaned as he took a firm bite of her nipple, sending it straight into her core.

"That's what I thought." Derek agreed as he stood up and spun her around. Meredith's eyes got wide as she felt his hard cock against her ass cheek and his teeth biting her neck. "Mommy always wants a piece of daddy."

"That is somehow unappealing, hon." Meredith admitted. When she thought about being parents, she thought about being parents. Not porny parents who were fucking behind every closed door, and occasionally out in the open.

"Oh no... It's appealing." Derek muttered as he ran his hand down her slick soft skin. He ran it over her hip and swooped around to the apple of her ass, giving it a firm squeeze. Meredith instinctively spread her legs, hoping his finger would slide over her clit. Derek ran his hand down her wet slit, only stimulating her more as the hot water of the shower ran down his arm and tantalized her most sensitive area.

"Oh god, Der. Just do me!" Meredith begged as she bent over at the hips and placed her hands firmly on the wall.

"God Mer, you are wet! And ready." He laughed as he placed his hands on her hips and grabbed tightly. "Are you ready, baby?" Derek asked as he let the head of his cock bob against her. He quickly took one hand off of her hip and grabbed himself, rubbing his cock against her clit.

"Oh god yes!" Meredith grunted as she shoved her ass back. Derek laughed at her little grunt. It was more like him then her. He had to give it to her if she wanted it that bad. Derek held her hip with his left hand and gently guided himself into her with his right. "Oh..." Meredith moaned as she felt his hard warm cock slide into her wet core.

"Oh you're tight." Derek said happily as she held herself against the wall. Derek continued to hold her as he pulled out and then drove back into her. After a few, he began going in shallow and fast, stimulating her clit.

"Oh that's- That is good!" Meredith cried out as she felt herself close to the edge. Derek chuckled at her as he pulled out and went back in slowly. "No fair."

"You aren't ready yet, baby." Derek said with a laugh. He didn't want her cumming yet. He knew if he made her hold out, she would have a better orgasm that she could imagine.

"I know when I am ready, Derek! Don't tell me." She growled, mad that he was taking her pleasure away from her. Derek only laughed harder as he drove in and out, feeling her warm fluid only making his journey to the inside so much better.

"Oh yeah, baby... I am close!" Derek growled as he felt himself go into animal mode. Meredith's eyes got wide as she felt him slide in and out as quickly as he could, grunting and panting loudly.

"Oh god, Derek. Right there! Right there!" Meredith squealed as she felt her core starting to tighten down around him. "Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh god yes!" Meredith shouted as she felt herself pour over, surrounding his hard pulsating cock with her hot cum.

"Oh yeah, baby! Oh yeah!" Derek shouted as he pounded deep into her core. "I'm there... Oh yeah... Fuck yes!" Derek shouted as he felt his cock begin shooting seeds into her. "Oh yeah..." He moaned as he stopped motion and laid over her. Meredith sighed as she felt their bodies completely connected.

Derek and Meredith quickly finished their shower and got dressed. They knew they had been pushing their limits. They had to finish helping with the party and Meredith needed to get Cassidy dressed and ready. She felt guilty for a second as she thought about everyone working and then what she had been doing. Derek smiled as he looked at her standing there in her black pants and a fitted shirt. To him, she always looked beautiful.

"I think we should get down there." Meredith told him as she spritzed herself and kissed him on the cheek.

"Yes, we probably should." Derek agreed with a nod as he walked behind her, his hand on the small of her back. Meredith always felt at ease when his hand was on her back. It was like they could do anything. She could walk through fire if she had to. Just as they hit the stairs, Meredith looked up to see everyone looking at them.

"Have a good time?" Linda asked with a knowing smile.

"Of course." Derek returned with a big laugh. "We always do."

"Derek!" Meredith said as she smacked him. Derek looked over at his wife as she turned red. He loved doing that to her. It was one of those things that made him smile. She made him smile. And his kids did the same. Today was indeed a special day. And one they wouldn't ever forget.


	198. Related

Meredith looked around at all of the work that Kristy had done. It was perfect. As unenthusiastic as Meredith was about the whole thing, she thought it was great that is was done. It wasn't that she didn't like it, it was the way they had made it on such a grand scale. She did not want kids that had to have the best of everything. She wanted kids that would appreciate what they had, no matter what it was.

"What do you think?" Kristy asked as she looked around, quite proud of herself. "It is just how I imagined it would be!" She said with excitement.

"It's wonderful, Kris. Thank you so much!" Derek said with a smile as he patted her on the shoulder and looked around. "We appreciate it." He said with a nod. Derek quickly leaned into her and handed her a small jewelry box from his pocket. "Will you put these on Cass?" He whispered into her ear. Kristy nodded and smiled as she discreetly held the box and walked away.

Meredith was in the kitchen with Linda. They decided to have a small lunch for everyone, followed by cake. Linda was busy getting out the potato salad, along with the various pasta salads that they has made. It was a perfect day, just warm enough, with plenty of sun. Derek was actually thankful that they had a shady backyard.

"Where's Kris, and Cass?" Meredith asked as she looked around. She was ready to spend some quality time with her little girl before everyone got there.

Sean and Conner were in the great room. Meredith always said she wouldn't lock her kids up, but she had learned that the were much happier if they had room to roam. She and Derek purchased a playpen that took up a great amount of the room. The boys would attempt to crawl around and then fight with each other. It seemed to keep them much happier than the porta crib.

"Oh, I don't know. I bet she is making sure that dress is perfect. You know Kristy." He pointed out with a smile. He knew exactly what Kristy was doing. She was putting on the last pieces of her perfect princess outfit. Meredith agreed and began pulling out the ice trays for the food. Just as she reached in the refrigerator, she heard the doorbell ring. "I will get that." Derek said as he spun around and walked towards the door.

"I can't believe people are here." Meredith muttered as she looked at the clock. "Oh my god! It's late. What have we been doing?" Meredith asked herself with a sigh. As she looked up, she watched Mark come in, with Dr. Bailey, Tucker and their son. "Thanks for coming!" Meredith said as she walked over and hugged them all.

"We are happy to be here! I still can't believe that little girl is a year old." Miranda said in shock. Everyone nodded their head in agreement. "Where is that little girl?"

"I don't know..." Meredith admitted as she looked around. Just as she looked up at the stairs, she saw Kristy bringing her down. As she reached the bottom one, she saw something shiny reflecting in the sunlight. In fact, it was two something shinys on her head. "What is- Derek! I can't believe you did that!" She gasped.

"Did what?" Mark asked as he looked around, unsure of what she was talking about.

"That! This. Derek, I told you she didn't need those. And do not try and tell me that they aren't real. I know real diamonds when I see them. Pink and white stones. You are a terrible man!" She said as she grabbed her daughter and shook her head. "Cass, life will not always be this way. Mommy refuses to let you be a spoiled brat." She muttered as she walked away angrily.

"And daddy will make sure she is." Derek said with a chuckle as he looked around at everyone, who shook their heads. They all knew how Derek was. He wanted to be the favorite, no matter what.

Everyone raved over the decorations that Kristy had set up. It was simply amazing. They all felt like they were in a castle. Kristy knew she would never have a daughter of her own, and she was more than happy to cater to every single one of Cassidy's needs. Kristy made sure that she was always ready in case she was needed. She was that type of person. She almost felt bad when they didn't need her.

The babies were the main attraction. Everyone wanted to hold a baby, and there were more than enough to go around. Meredith was actually relieved, seeing as she was busy getting everything ready to eat. She was so distracted, trying to make everyone happy, she had no idea where any of her kids were. She was busy making punch and watching Derek and Mark grill hamburgers.

"You are doing good, honey." Meredith praised as she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Such a good dad!"

"Yes, honey. I know this." He told her with a grin as he gave her a soft kiss back. Just as she sat the plate down, and the various slices of deli cheese, she heard the doorbell ring. Everyone who was supposed to be there was. She shrugged, thinking it was probably a delivery. She quickly walked through the house and to the front door, opening it. Meredith looked up in complete and utter shock.

"Mother..." She muttered. She couldn't believe it. She was there. There to make trouble, most likely.

Meredith stared at her mother in shock. She had no idea how she knew where she lived. She had no idea what made Ellis think she could just show up. Meredith felt a mixture of anger and nerves as she looked into her mother's cold eyes. She had no idea why she was there, but she knew one thing. The woman had to get out. She had to get rd of her. This was a special day, not to be ruined by her negativity.

"What are you doing here, mother?" Meredith said curtly. It didn't take long for her to remember that it was Ellis who let Derek think she was dead. It was Ellis who killed her baby. Everything came back to this formidable woman, who wasn't really that formidable.

"Well, I came to see my granddaughter on her birthday." Ellis said softly as she held out a huge gift that was wrapped impeccably with a card on the top. Meredith knew of these gifts that she had someone else buy and wrap. Meredith knew this all to well.

"You weren't invited." Meredith said frankly as she went to shut the door. As she looked up at her mom, she felt sick. So much of her past crept up, making her feel literally ill.

"Don't do this, Meredith." Ellis said with a sigh. Meredith was shocked that she wasn't getting angry. "This is her birthday. This is her day. This is not your day. How can you deny her?" She said, throwing a pile of guilt on her. Meredith felt like she was drowning. She wasn't sure what to do. She had no idea which way was the air. No idea which way was freedom from this mess.

"No! No, Mom! No. You can't be here. You can't ruin this. You ruin everything. I refuse to let you ruin my kids and my family." Meredith said loudly. She said it so loudly, she had no idea that people in the backyard had heard her. Derek quickly gave Mark the power of the grill and walked through the house. Meredith rarely got loud for no reason.

"What's going-" Derek started as he looked up. As soon at his eyes met Ellis', he knew what the problem was. He didn't react as he stood beside Meredith. He didn't want to make a spectacle.

"I just want to see my granddaughter." Ellis said calmly. Meredith swallowed hard. There was no way she would have been able to have a good time when she knew that her mother would be buzzing around.

"And the your grandsons. Did you forget about them?" Meredith asked frankly. "I can't... I can't ruin my day for you. I can't ruin this important day in her life to make you happy. I don't care if you are happy. In fact, I hope you are miserable." Meredith spat angrily. She was speaking in hushed yells, trying to get her point across. She couldn't unclench her jaw if she tried.

"Meredith!" Derek said quickly. As much as he hated Ellis, he had learned to let a lot of the pain and problems go.

"No! No, Derek! You know what..." Meredith said as she drifted off in thought. She quickly came back and looked her in the eyes. "Fine. You want to come in? Do you want to spread your poison?" Meredith asked frankly. "You can come. But damn-it, you are going to answer one question, once and for all." She growled as she looked around. Ellis and Derek looked at each other with confusion. "Why? Tell me right now why Derek you hate Derek. I will be damned if I will let you in here without knowing once and for all." She said frankly.

Meredith stood there. In her mind, she wasn't asking too much. She just wanted answers. She wanted straightforward answers. Everything had always been a lie. It was lie after lie with her mother, and she decided she wasn't doing it anymore. Any problems they had were going to be hashed out, whether is was the right time or not. The right time was any time if it gave her an answer. She looked into her mother's eyes. They were welling up. Whatever this was, it really hurt her. Meredith could see it.

"This is not the place." Ellis warned. Meredith felt angry. When would it be the place? Never. Her mother lived to make her life hell and she was done with it. She had more than enough.

"When will it be the time, mother? Will it ever be the time? No! No, it won't! This is more of your bullshit. I hate you for this. Say it and say it now!" Meredith shouted. Linda was in shock as she listened to her daughter in law. She quickly walked in the house and shut the door behind her, cutting down on the yelling.

"You don't want to know, Meredith! You do not want to know!" She warned as she looked up at her. "Why can't you just let things go?"

"Let things go? This is my life. You have changed my life. I can't let things go!" Meredith said as she stood there, completely flustered. "Say it now! Say it or leave!"

"Fine! Fine! If that is what you want! I hate him. I hate Derek because I hate his father!" She screamed. "I hate him." She growled. Meredith looked at her mother in shock. She had no idea what she was talking about. Linda stood off in the back, wondering what was going on. Derek looked at her in confusion.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Meredith asked with annoyance in her voice. She was getting tired of smoke and mirrors.

"I hate him. I loved him so much. I loved him and he dumped me off. It was like I never mattered. He decided he wanted him family. Where did that leave me? It left me alone and confused. It left me a mess. I never should have done it, but he made me. He wouldn't stop. He chased me. He used me. And then he dumped me off for his kids. I hate him. I hate him, and his family." Ellis said as she began to cry. Everyone looked at her in shock. What did this all mean?

"What- What do you mean?" Derek asked in shock.

Derek couldn't move. He felt as if he had been punched in the stomach. He couldn't believe Ellis just said that. He was sure it was just more of her lies. She needed to cover up her mistakes. She would never take responsibility for herself. She had ruined her relationship with her daughter, and now she was dragging Derek down. Derek stood there, thoughts of his father running through his head. He thought about the last day he was alive, Derek playing while he sat there in his chair, dead.

"You're lying! I can't believe you would stoop this low. Is it really that hard to take responsibility for your actions?" Derek said angrily. It was taking everything he had to not hit the woman. His mom had taught him to never resort to violence, especially against a woman. As he stood there, he wondered if Ellis Grey was an exception.

"No. No, I am not lying." Ellis said defensively as she stood there in tears.

Meredith looked at Derek. She couldn't believe her mom had just dropped a bomb like that. She threw it out there like it was nothing. She threw it out like it didn't matter. Meredith looked at her mother in shock. She had no idea what to believe. It explained everything, but at the same time, her mom always lied. Her mom was the one that killed her baby. Her mom was the one that let her believe Derek left her. Her mom was the one that let Derek believe she had died.

"Mom!" Meredith spat as she looked at her. "If you are going to sit here and spread lies- You need to leave. You need to get the hell out of here. Who do you think you are, coming in and spreading lies? God! Your hate for Derek must be strong. How can you come in here and make up such horrible lies just to hurt him?" Meredith asked as she began to cry. She could see the devastation on Derek's face.

"I swear to you, it is true. I didn't know he was married at the beginning. The first time, I had no idea." Ellis said sadly. A part of her always felt bad for the family, but a bigger part hated them because she lost him and he ruined her. "He seduced me. He told me how great I was going to be. He told me I would be amazing. He made love to, and then he dropped me. I had a huge assignment due for his class. I was going to work on it and he told me that he wanted me, and not to worry about it. He said he would deal with it." Ellis said as she sobbed. Something made Derek and Meredith listen. They had nothing better to do than to listen to her lies. "I went to class the next morning with a smile on my face. I was sure that he figured something out. He walked around, collecting it and asked me for mine. I was in shock. He leaned in and said it was over. He couldn't do it. He said I needed to leave him alone. That was it. I failed. He failed me. He used me, and then he failed me." Ellis said as she stared straight forward.

"Good story, mom. How long did it take you to create that one?" Meredith growled as she looked up at her. Meredith would protect her family no matter what. She wasn't going to stand there and let her spit lies.

"I didn't-" Ellis started. She knew she had to just leave. It was killing her to even see the looks on their faced. It wasn't something she ever wanted to share, but Meredith pushed. She had always pushed. "He was the love of my life. It's true." Ellis said as she held the gift out in front of her and dropped her head.

"Whatever! I am so tired of your-" Meredith said angrily. Just as she went to shut the door, she heard someone walking up from behind.

"It's true. It's all true." Linda said quickly. Meredith and Derek turned around so quickly that they almost broke their backs. They couldn't believe that Linda was agreeing with the story.

"What do you mean, it's true?" Derek said quickly as he looked into his mother's eyes. He never expected his mother to agree with the story Ellis was saying. "What do you mean, mom?"

"I don't know if he was the love of her life... But the rest, it's true. I never knew it was her, but I knew it was someone. He was her professor. Your father... He slipped. He made a mistake. He had an affair. It was a one time mistake. He never did it again. He apologized over and over, and we moved past it. I never knew it was your mother, Meredith." Linda said as she rubbed her arm.

"Dad had an affair? He cheated on you?" Derek said in shock. He felt do betrayed. He felt like everything he had ever known was a lie. As he stood there, he wondered how many more secrets there were that he would never know about. He felt like he had nowhere to go. He felt like there was no place for him. "You let dad cheat on you? And you forgave him?" Derek said with disgust.

"He made a mistake. I loved your father, and he made a mistake." Linda said with a nod. "He never did it again. If I didn't believe that he was regretful, I never would have forgave him. He loved you and your sisters, Derek. Never doubt that." Linda told him with a nod.

"If he loved us, he wouldn't have cheated on you. He would have worried about his family." Derek growled, feeling under attack.

"He loved you and your sisters. I am sure that is why he ended it. He couldn't take the guilt. I was always angry because he denied me. Somehow it is becoming clear. Somehow that doesn't matter anymore." Ellis said with a nod. She drew in a breath. It all had come out and she felt so much better.

"Oh my god..." Meredith gasped as she looked over at Derek. "He's- Your not my brother, right?" She questioned. All of a sudden, she felt sick. All of a sudden, she felt like her whole family was tainted. They had three kids. Were they more related than they thought?

**I know I have been sucky about updates, but I have not felt well. I am trying. This fic is nearly over!**


	199. Actual Acceptance

Meredith and Derek stood there in a state of shock. Derek felt like everything he had ever known was a lie. His father was a man that he had admired. While, he was embarrassed of his father, he still looked up to him. He always felt because his father was older than everyone else's. He was always too tired to practice sports. He was too tired for everything. Derek grew up knowing that his father was a hard working man with amazing morals. Or so he thought.

Meredith looked at her mother. She was hoping that they would somehow be able to speak telepathically. It seemed that the answer that she was looking for was not coming out of her mother's mouth fast enough for her liking. It made her sick to think that not only may she be related to Derek, but her children would were born out of incest. Meredith felt her stomach churn as she looked at her mother's sad eyes. She had never seen them like this. Never.

"Oh my god, Meredith!" Ellis said quickly as she looked into her daughter's worried eyes. "God no! This was- No! You have nothing to worry about." Ellis told her frankly.

Meredith let out the breath that she had been holding deep within her lungs. It was a breath of air that could either come out as poison or as freshly used air, ready to be sent away. Meredith didn't look at anyone but her mother. At that moment, the woman that she hated became something else. She almost felt sorry for her, but she had no idea why. It was like everything that she had felt was flipped and flopped and she was more confused than ever.

"You're sure?" Meredith asked. She asked as if her mother did not know. She asked as if there were a chance that her mother was unsure. Meredith wanted guaranteed proof.

"Yes. Meredith, of all things in my life, past and present, this is one that I am very sure of. This...affair happened in medical school. I had you during my residency. This affair was right after I married your father. Before Richard, before anything. This affair was the reason your father left us. It was all my fault. But I promise you, Meredith, you are Thatcher's daughter. Derek is not your brother." She told her with a nod.

Meredith felt her lip begin to quiver. This was the best news she could ask for at the moment, but at the same time it broke her heart. It broke her heart because everyone was in pain. She had spent years wondering if it was her. She spent a lifetime with guilt thinking her father had left because she was born. Instead it was because she had an affair with Derek's father. All her self hate was not her fault. Not at all.

"Oh thank god." Linda stated with a sigh. Meredith, Derek and Ellis all looked at Linda. She was a formidable woman. She was the epitome of strength. She was standing there, completely solid. There were no tears coming from her eyes. There was no weakness in her face. She was the solid one in a group that was falling.

"Linda, you will never know how sorry I am. I know that there is no excuse for the things I have done. I was young and foolish. I wasn't thinking about the family I was affecting. I was thinking about myself. I was thinking about what I wanted. If I could go back, I would in a second. I would erase it all from my life. I would never hurt a family they way I did. I made my own daughter suffer for years. I made you suffer. I'm so sorry." Ellis said with a frown on her face.

"You hated Derek. You hated him so much. He was the only thing in my life that was consistent. He was everything I ever needed and more than I could hope for. Every minute we were together, I was happy. You took that all away so easily. You treated him horribly. You chase him away and let him believe I had died. You changed the course of my whole life. You took away things that I could have had. You ruined so much." Meredith said as a tear slid down her cheek.

"I know. Believe me, Meredith I am up. Why do you think I have been such a talented surgeon? I can't live with myself. I haven't slept in years because all I can think about is the things I have done to everyone. I love you, Meredith. I love you so much. And Derek, I am so sorry. You were innocent in all of this. I know you did nothing wrong. Just know that your father was a good man. Her really was. It all just spiraled out of control. He loved you. He loved you all." Ellis said quickly, feeling that Derek was moments away from running away from her.

"He was not a good man. Good men don't do that. They just don't." Derek said as he shook his head in disgust. He looked at the group and walked away, heading up the stairs.

"Derek!" Meredith shouted as she watched him walk away in distress. "I need to- I'll just- I'll be right back." Meredith said as she started to walk up the stairs.

"Meredith." Linda said quickly as she headed up the stairs. "Ths one is mine. This had been coming a long time. I never wanted him to know, but hindsight- Well, I guess he should have been told." She said as she dropped her head and left Meredith standing there.

"Well..." Meredith muttered to herself as she stood there in shock. "Happy birthday, Cass. This is one we will never forget."

Linda trudged up the stairs like it was the last place she wanted to be. Truthfully, it was. She had spent years not really avoiding this situation, just hoping it would never come to light. Her husband's indiscretion was something that she never thought her kids need to learn about. In her opinion, it was none of their business. She always knew that if Derek found out, it would devastate him. She knew that it would rock the very foundation that she stood on. Derek carried a lot around on himself. He had the guilt of having left his father after he was dead, not knowing what to do. He had the guilt from being embarrassed by his age as compared to all of his friend's younger parents. Derek had spent years trying to make up for all that, almost working twice as hard to make sure people knew how wonderful his father was. Now he was left in the fog. Now his father was nothing more than a bad husband and father.

"Derek..." Linda said with a loud sigh as she walked into the master bedroom. The sight before her almost brought tears to her eyes. She knew her son well enough to see the sadness he was feeling in his posture. Derek was hunched over, his head hung low. "I know you are feeling like everything was a lie." She told him softly as she rubbed his back.

Derek didn't look up at his mother. He knew if he looked up, that would only cause him to cry. He hated crying in front of his mom, or Meredith for that matter. It seemed the only person he was really comfortable crying around was Mark, and that was a rare occasion. It took a lot to make him cry, but this was definitely cry-worthy. He felt so deceived by everyone, not just his mother, even if she was the main offender.

"It was a lie, mother." Derek said loudly. He rarely used mother. It was mom. Mother was a word he only used when he was angry with her, and she knew it.

"Not everything was a lie, Derek Michael. In fact, I think you are being a little absurd here. This has nothing to do with you." She told him frankly as she looked into his eyes. She could see them turning black, filling with anger. She didn't care. She would push him if necessary.

"Nothing to do with me?" Derek asked, completely appalled. "This is my father we are talking about! My family!"

"Yes, you are right, son. He is your father. But more importantly, he was _my_ husband. _My_ soulmate. The love of _my_ life. He was and always will be your father. And he was an excellent one. You cannot change that no matter how hard you try. I am the only person that has the right to be hurt by this. It's called forgiveness, Derek. It's something you do when you love someone. This has nothing to do with you. Did it change your life? No! It changes nothing. You grew up in a good home. You had everything you needed, including more love than your heart could handle. You father having an affair was my problem. I moved past it. You need to wake up, Derek. You are being a fool!" She said angrily. Derek looked at her in shock. He had never seen her so angry in his life.

Linda couldn't help but be irritated with Ellis for exposing everything, but at the same time, she had always lived life never telling lies. Not telling someone something was much different than telling lies. She would never lie to anyone if they asked her something straight forward. As angry as she was at Ellis, she couldn't help but feel a little better. And at the same time, a little worse.

"How do you expect me to take this?" Derek asked frankly. "Do you expect me to just accept it and move on?" He asked in a somewhat state of shock.

"Yes. That is exactly what I want you to do. I was the one that was betrayed here. And Derek, I think you know that your father would have never done it if he were thinking clearly. He broke it off as soon as he realized it could hurt his family. Your father loved you, Derek. That will never change. Everyone makes mistakes. If we were called out for our mistakes all of the time, we'd not be able to go on. Just drop it and remember your father as the man that he was. A good man. A loving man. A wonderful father. Don't forget any of that." Linda said as she rubbed his back.

"I just can't imagine it. It's that he did it, mom. You guys were the most amazing couple in the world. Just looking at you, everyone knew how in love you were. Behind closed doors, it was a mess. If this all happened to you two, could it happen to us?" Derek asked as he looked up from the floor and then up at his mother.

"Between you and Meredith?" She asked in shock. "Oh god, no! No way. Not you two. Derek, you are loyal, and Meredith, she loves you so much. You guys have had enough loss that you will never stray. If that is your worry, you need to drop it now. That will never happen."

"It just... I don't know what to think. I feel so conflicted." Derek admitted. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under him. Everything he thought he knew about his childhood was flipped and twisted like mangled metal.

"I know, Derek. It will stop. Right now it is so fresh, but it will fade. And you mustn't blames Ellis. It takes two. They both made mistakes. She was a young girl, yes she knew better, but you must look at it her from her position. She was young and in love. You can't help who you love. She was infatuated. Your father broke her heart. When you feel pain, sometimes you can't help who you pour it onto." Linda nodded. "At least now that this is all out, we can forgive and start heal. All of us. Your children need two sets of grandparents." Linda told him frankly.

"It's just... Hard to forgive." Derek admitted as he laid his head back. "It's hard, but you are right. It needs to be done." Derek agreed as he shook his head.

"Now let's get down there and celebrate. Today is your girl's first birthday!" She said as she coaxed him up from his seat. Derek slowly stood, unfolding his body and walked to the door.

"Wait a minute." Derek said in shock as it hit him. "Two sets? Two sets of grandparents? But... You are single. You need a pair to make a set.. Why would you- Oh my god, mom... Are you... Dating?" Derek asked in shock as he paused and looked at her.

Linda said nothing. She had been planning on tell everyone in the evening. Since Cassidy's birthday party had a luncheon, she was going to treat the family to dinner and then explain to them about Frank. Now she had said too much. At the moment, she didn't want to break the news to Derek, knowing he had been through far too much for her to pile just one more thing. She drew in a breath, continuing to walk away from Derek. Just as she heard Derek begin to speak, she also heard Cassidy let out a loud wail.

"Oh no!" Linda said as she began to jog down the stairs, Derek not far behind her. "What happened?" Linda said loudly as she rushed into the backyard. Everyone was gathered around Cassidy, who was clutching a pink bow in her hand.

"Apparently she is like her mom." Ellis said with a smile. "Meaning spoiled." She said with a laugh as she looked at her granddaughter. "She absolutely refuses to share!" She laughed as she looked over at Meredith.

"Oh, we were in a panic. I thought she had gotten hurt." Derek said with a frown. "Instead, she is just being her little princess self. Aren't you, little girl?" He asked as he kissed her on the head and picked her up. "Would you like to see your cake?" Derek asked as he started to walk her over to the table. "I have to admit, I have never seen a cake like this before in my life." He said as he looked down at the huge cake that was shaped like a castle.

Linda looked up at Meredith and Ellis. As much as she detested Ellis, out of principle, she still realized that she was Meredith's mother. She knew that they desperately needed to reconnect like a mother and daughter should. She just wanted to walk forward and move on and away from the past. Especially the pain.

"It's time to move on." Linda said wisely as she looked at Meredith and Ellis. "It's time for us to all move on. We need to leave the past in the past and move on." She said genuinely. "And I don't know about you, but I think we need to make sure that this party is the best a little girl could ever have." She said put her hands on both Meredith and Ellis' shoulders.

"I think you are right, Linda." Ellis agreed as she grabbed her daughter's hand. "I have made mistakes. So many. If I could go back, I would. All I can do it move forward and prove to you that I care." Ellis said with a smile as she leaned in and kissed her daughter. "I love you, Meredith."

"I love you too, Mom." Meredith said as she let her mom pull her against her chest. "Please stay for your granddaughter's birthday." She said as she pulled away and met Derek at the cake. "It really is perfect, isn't it?" Meredith asked as she looked at her daughter.

"Yes, they did an amazing job on it, didn't they?" He asked, referring to the cake.

"I meant this. Life. All of this." She said as she looked at Sean in Mark's arms and Conner in her mother's. "People... They don't get this. Not like this. We are so fortunate." She said with a sigh.

"We are." Derek agreed. Meredith could swear she could see the mist in his eyes, she was feeling the same emotions.

Meredith and Derek enjoyed the day. Everyone was being so great about helping with all of the babies, not just paying attention to Cassidy. Several of their neighbors stopped by, making the party even larger than expected, but still a blast. Of course when it came time for the cake, Cassidy shoved her whole face in the slice, gray and pink icing covering her little cheeks Conner and Sean followed suit, forever emulating their older sister.

"That was great." Ellis said as she began pulling down streamers from the festivities. "You did a good job, Kristy."

"Thank you, Dr. Grey." Kristy said with a smile as she gathered up the used plates that were left of the tables. She quickly disposed them in the trash, ignoring the warning look that Ellis gave her. Ellis had told her time and time again to use her first name and not call her doctor.

Everyone seemed get along well, going through cleanup. Mark and Kristy had to go, Mark having to do a final check on his patients before he went home. Kristy had to pick up some groceries for the week. Ellis grabbed her cake in the tupperware for Richard and said her goodbyes. That left Derek, Meredith, Linda and the kids.

"I think I need a nap." Meredith pointed out with a sigh as she looked around at her clean house, much of she worked on, along with the others.

"I think so." Derek agreed with a yawn. Derek looked at Sean, who was asleep in his mother's arms. "As do the little ones." He pointed out.

"I say we all take a nap. I'd like to take you guys to dinner tonight." Linda explained, hoping Derek had forgotten about her dating. She knew that after a nap and over a good meal everyone would be more accepting of her news.

"I think that is an excellent idea." Derek agreed as he wrapped his arm around Meredith's back. "You ready, hon?"

"Oh god yes." Meredith agreed. "Today was great... But oh my god." She giggled. "It was worth it."

"It was perfect." Linda said with a smile. "I will see you guys later." She said as she laid Sean down. Meredith and Derek nodded as they put the babies down and headed to their room.

--

Derek sat at the table. His mother had chosen one of the finest restaurants in Seattle. He couldn't help but wonder just what her motives were. She had even gotten Kristy and Mark to watch all three children. He was sure that it hadn't been planned out, seeing as Mark and Kristy never even mentioned that they would be back. He knew that something big was going on, otherwise she wouldn't have gone to all the trouble.

Derek looked at Meredith. She looked absolutely radiant in the pale yellow cocktail dress that she was donning. Her hair was loosely pulled back, looking elegantly casual. They were in a fine restaurant, and she was definitely dressed the part. That was one thing about his wife, she always fit in. She was a chameleon, able to understand and connect with so many people. It seemed she only improved with age.

"You look beautiful." Derek told her with a soft smile as he grabbed her hand under the table. His mother was on his left, his wife on his right. His two favorite ladies, sans his best girl, Cassidy Bella Shepherd.

"Thank you, Derek." Meredith said softly. He could see her face blush softly at the compliment. He knew that she would never grasp how amazing she was.

"You look so great for having those boys. You got your figure back so quickly. Kathleen tore me up. You must understand how fortunate you are." Linda pointed out as she took a sip of wine.

Linda looked at her son and his wife. Today had shed light on so many issues. As much of a curse as it had been, it was really a blessing. It opened the door to acknowledge something that she had been so apprehensive to share. She was just hoping that she had actually found it. She wanted to feel loved again. She wanted what Meredith and Derek had. She wanted what she had with Derek's father for so many years.

"The party was amazing." Derek pointed out, trying to drown out the silence that was nearly becoming uncomfortable for him. "I have to praise Kristy, no one else could ever pull that off."

"You have a point." Linda said with a smile. She always had a soft spot in her heart for Kristy, even though she had known from the beginning that it would never work. She had always hoped that Derek would accept things and move on. Now she was so glad that he had not.

"Don't ever expect me to pull of something like that!" Meredith said frankly. "I hope that she never goes anywhere. I don't think I could make it without her." She said with a giggle. As much as she tried to make light of it, she knew it was true. Kristy was unbelievably helpful.

"Oh, Meredith. You do not give yourself enough credit." Linda told her. She had no idea what it took to be a surgeon. Even with four children all successful in medical careers, she still had never experienced it. "You are a very strong willed woman. You can do anything you set your mind to." Linda praised.

"Oh, stop!" Meredith said as she began to get embarrassed. She was never a fan of being overly praised. She would rather share her successes with herself, and Derek. She wasn't in the same mindset as her mother who thrived from professional praise. "So, why are we here?" Meredith asked trying to get the focus thrown off of herself.

"Well..." Linda said nervously as she shoved a bite of portobello mushroom in her mouth. Now she was losing her nerve. Now she wanted to forget about it all. It was a bad idea. She wasn't ready. "Well..." She repeated. As she looked into her son's eyes, she knew she had to say something.

"Mom?" Derek asked as he looked across the table at her. He knew she had been hiding something and the longer he looked at her, the more transparent it became.

"Well, there is- I'm sure you have noticed that there is something I have been hiding. Not really hiding. More, failing to mention." She said with a sigh. "I may be...dating. He is from the church. Frank is a great guy. He is really kind and just... great to be around. He makes me really happy. I haven't told you because Derek, I know how you are. And he is great, son. He is really great."

Meredith sat there with a huge grin on her face. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was Linda Shepherd. She had raised her children, and run a household nearly by herself. She was self-sacrificing and unselfish. She deserved it all.

Derek looked at his mother. He was in a state of shock. He felt a wave of protective come over him. His first thought was that someone was taking his father's place. That upset him, even if he was angry about what his father had done. As he looked at his mother's never ending smile, he realized she hadn't been truly happy in a long time, and now she had an aura of complete satisfaction coming off of her. After a warning look from Meredith, he drew in a sigh. He had to accept this. He had to make sure she knew she had his support.

"You're dating..." Derek mused as he looked at her. Linda had no idea what was next. That was until the smile played upon his lips. "That's great mom. I'm really happy for you." He said as he leaned over and gave her a huge. And really, he was happy for her. She had done so much for them all.


	200. Always and Forever

Meredith stood in front of her mother-in-law. Never in her life did she think she would be in front of the woman she considered to be her second mother awaiting their appointment. Linda was standing in the small room, adjusting her dress, a simple off white gown with just the right amount of class. Meredith never thought she would see the day when her mother would be getting married. But then again, there were so many things she didn't think she would ever see.

"Mom, you look beautiful!" Meredith said with a warm smile as she held her mother-in-law's flowers. She was shocked that life was so perfect. She was shocked that at Linda's age, she was still chasing happiness, just the way it was meant to be.

"Thank you, dear." Linda said with a satisfied grin as she looked at herself in the mirror. "I wish Kathleen and Nancy would get here." She said with a frown as she looked up at Meredith.

Meredith sighed as she stood there, knowing that even at a time as happy as this, Linda was still a bit sad. She almost knew that Linda was secretly hoping that her other daughters would show up with grins on their faces, and shoulder pats of support. It was only Kathleen and Nancy that were supportive of the marriage to Frank. The revelation that their father had an affair was more than the other sisters could handle. They blamed their mother for the newfound information, and hated her for tainting the memory of their father. As much as it broke her heart, she learned that it was their issue and not her own.

"They will, Mom. Don't worry. I'm sure they are on their way." Meredith told her reassuringly as she placed her hand on her shoulder.

"Yes, I'm sure they are." Linda agreed, knowing her girls well. "And here they are!" Linda said as she watched them walk into the room in pretty pastel dresses, matching Meredith's, all in different colors.

"Of course we are, mom!" Nancy stated exuberantly as she ran over to her mom and hugged her.

Meredith stepped back, knowing that her daughter's would always be paramount. Meredith tried not to have hurt feelings over it, but she couldn't help but wish that she had a relationship like that with her own mother. Ellis and Meredith had gotten to a civil point in their relationship, along with Richard. Generally, that meant that the kids got to visit with their grandparents and Meredith and Derek would attempt to have a casual dinner with them.

"We are _so_ happy for you, mom." Kathleen said, emphasizing the so, knowing that none of the people in the room agreed with the other two sisters.

"Thank you, Kath." Linda said with a warm smile as she felt the tears well up in her eyes.

"Don't you dare cry!" Meredith said as she stepped forward and looked into her eyes. "Not even happy tears, that will just make your makeup run." Meredith told her with a nod. "And I think it is time." She pointed out, looking up at the clock.

"Yes, it is time." Linda agreed with a confident smile playing on her lips. It was apparent that she was truly satisfied with her decision to marry Frank. Linda Shepherd knew better than anyone, if you find something you want, you have to grasp with two hands and never let go.

Everyone climbed in the car, heading for city hall. Linda didn't want anything overboard, just the people she loved as she got her simple marriage certificate with the second love of her life. Nancy drove the short distance, knowing it better than any of the other possible drivers. Meredith knew that Derek was going to meet them there. He had started out as a closet skeptic, wanting his mother to be happy, but not wanting to tell her of his skepticism. Of course, Derek did everything he could to find out all of Frank's deep dark secrets, finding none. After longs talks with Meredith, he began to change his view, and finally accepted his mother's happiness.

As Nancy pulled up to city hall, Meredith saw Derek. He was standing in front of the door, his dark hair shining in the sunlight. Meredith couldn't stop the smile that crept up on her lips at the sight of him. She could never stop the feeling of butterflies that took over, just knowing that he was hers for all eternity. As the moments of their lives flashed in her mind, she felt the tears prick her eyes. They were tears of happiness, and she knew deep in her heart, those were the only tears she would ever have.

"This is a good thing, Derek." Meredith said as felt him grab onto her.

"I know it is." Derek agreed with a genuine smile as he pecked her cheek lightly. "Everyone deserves to be as happy as we are." He pointed out as he buried her face into her hair, taking in a deep breath.

"Yes, yes they do." Meredith agreed as she turned her head and placed her lips on Derek's.

Meredith and Derek both watched as Linda approached Frank. Derek's heart swelled at the sight. He hadn't seen his mother that happy since his father was alive. As much as Meredith's faux death killed him, he was never able to move on. He had only hoped he could be like his mother back when he was in a loveless marriage with Kristy. As Meredith and Derek watched the happy couple, it seemed that everything was right in the world. They knew that Frank and Linda would live out their years as it was meant to be, together.

--

Meredith sat in her seat on the plane. After all of the chaos and planning for the tiny meeting at city hall, she was exhausted. Meredith and Derek had been staying at Linda's for the two days prior to the wedding, making sure that Derek lived out his boyhood fantasy in his bed, over and over again. They were learning to do it nice an quiet, although Derek made it clear to her that he wished it had been hard and loud. Meredith giggled to herself as she thought back to the one morning when Linda had to do some running.

"You are thinking about it, aren't you?" Derek asked as he looked over at her and smiled.

"Um... Well, yeah. I kind of hate you right now." She said, feigning anger as she turned away. "I mean, I can't believe you convinced me to do that."

"Oh, it was fun. And I guarantee I am the only one that has done that. I mean, imagine when we are at Thanksgiving dinner this year. I will sit at that table and look up at Nancy, knowing that your bare ass was on there and we had to clean cum off of it. How much better does it get than that? Me fucking you on my childhood breakfast table." Derek said with a sat in his first class seat and looked out the window.

"Derek you are so sick. So freaking twisted!" Meredith told him a she smacked him playfully. "I think in this moment, I hate you just a little." Meredith teased as she looked over at him. Derek turned his head towards her and smiled slightly. His grin only increased when hers did.

"You do not." Derek said as he shook his head and flashed an award winning smile.

"You're right." Meredith replied with a hearty sigh. "But I will tell you this. You're not getting sex in the bathroom." She warned with an evil grin. Meredith knew that it was Derek's plan to have a romp in the crowded little room

"What?" He asked, no longer chuckling, his face like stone. The confirmation that there would be no sex for him was an all too serious matter when it came down to it. "What do you mean, no sex?" He asked again, this time with more clamor.

"I don't think you deserve it. Not after the things you made me do in a house that I will need to return to with a straight face." She said with a nod. "Besides, my back is sore." She admitted as she looked away. Derek sat there and stared at her with a lifetime of concern on his face. Her back was sore. He immediately felt his stomach rumble. Her back was sore. Did that mean she was having problems again?

"What do you mean, your back is sore? What is wrong with it?" He asked. He could feel the tiny bottle of liquor he had consumed rumbling around like it was agitating a load of laundry in his stomach.

"It's just all the stress. And we had a lot of sex, Derek. Of course it's going to act up." She explained, hoping that was enough of an excuse for him. Derek looked at her with concern. He knew that in the past she had lied about these things before. He had to read her eyes if he was going to get the truth out of her.

"Are you lying to me?" Derek asked as he looked into her eyes. "I just- We are not letting things get out of hand again. If you aren't feeling well, we are getting you checked out."

"I'm okay, Derek. Do I flip out when you have a sore back?" She asked with a raise brow and a slight chuckle. Derek didn't see the humor, knowing that her situation was quite different.

"No. But I also didn't break my back. I'm not the one that is cemented like a statue. Honey, someone has to worry about you. I've taken it as a full time job." Derek told her with a nod as he rubbed her hand that was resting on the armrest. "I just worry."

"I am okay." She said with a nod. "Just no sex on that tiny sink. It's impossible for me to get comfortable. I promise that when we get home, you can use me and abuse me. Okay, maybe not abuse me, but you can have me on our bed. Okay?" She asked with a smile. Derek nodded. She wasn't lying about the back pain. That didn't mean that it wasn't a constant worry on his mind.

The rest of the flight went along well. Meredith and Derek both consumed a tiny bottle of liquor. Derek of course complained that his wasn't the good stuff. Meredith said she needed a full-sized bottle to get through all of the incessant questioning that Kristy was going to bombard her with. She knew that Kristy wanted to go to the wedding, but she was needed to watch the kids along with Tracy. Tracy was getting busier by the day and had already given them a four-week notice. Meredith was just grateful it wasn't a two-week. They both had known it was coming. Tracy had to move on at some point.

"The house is still standing!" Derek said in a somewhat state of shock as they pulled down their driveway. Meredith raised a brow and smiled. She knew they could hold down the fort.

"Of course it is." She told him with a nod. "Tracy knows the kids, and Kristy, she is really good at handling your spoiled daughter." Meredith always played the your card, knowing that is was Derek's fault that she had gotten that way. Meredith and Derek grabbed their bags and walked through the small door into the house.

"We're home!" Derek shouted into the unusually quiet house. It was quiet for a moment and then they heard it. It was the sound of feet. The herd was moving in.

"Ma! Da! Mom!" They heard the loud squeals as the children rounded the sofa and bounded towards them. Meredith giggled as Conner ran towards her, completely naked.

"Oh my!" She laughed as they came bounding so quickly that Meredith and Derek dropped to their knees.

"Conner! You need your diaper! And clothes... You need clothes!" Kristy shouted as she ran through the house. Meredith and Derek hugged their kids in a group, all of them standing there so happily, Cassidy now a terrible two-year old and her brothers not far behind.

"We missed you guys!" Meredith explained as she kissed them all, receiving sloppy kisses in return.

"Missed you too!" Cassidy said loudly in almost perfect english.

"Yeah!" The boys agreed as they looked up at their parents. Meredith sighed as she breathed in their scent. She looked up at Derek and they shared their look. That was how it felt to get everything they ever wanted. It was right there in that moment.

"Conner!" Meredith giggled as he laid against his mom. "You's naked!" She giggled as she kissed him on the head. "Do you think that maybe you need some clothes?" She asked with a giggle.

"Con-monster!" Kristy shouted as she neared them. "He refuses to wear clothing." She said as she tossed his pajamas on the sofa. "I tried over and over. Tracy had to leave and I have- It's been horrible." She said, looking like she was going to have a breakdown.

"I'm sorry, Kris. I didn't realize it would be this bad." Meredith replied apologetically. Kristy immediately softened her face and shook her head no.

"It wasn't, Mer. They are just needing mom and dad." She explained as she swiftly threw a shirt on Conner when he was least expecting it.

"No!" He shouted as he tried to pull it off. "No shirt!" He said boldly. Meredith and Derek looked at each other in shock. They were surprised that he had said it, and he had said it so clear. The boys had a full vocabulary thanks to Cassidy. It also helped that Meredith tried to teach them all as many new words a day as she could think of. The biggest thing that made a difference in their house was that they all talked to the kids, not around them.

"Conner, mommy would like it if you put your clothes on now. Please?" Meredith asked as she grabbed his little underwear and pants. "One foot and then the other." She explained as she dressed him. "Good boy! All dressed!"

"You are definitely their mother." Kristy said with a nod and a smile as she watched Meredith interact with the kids. "So how was the wedding?"

"It was nice." Meredith told her with a nod. "Mom is so happy. I haven't seen her light up like that in so long. It's just- I wish everyone could be that happy. Then again, I think I'm there." She said as she leaned over and kissed Derek softly. "I will get you some pictures. We took a ton. Frank and Linda are so cute together!" Meredith pointed out with a smile.

"That is really great. I'm so happy for her. She deserves it." Kristy explained with a smile as she rubbed Sean on the head. "Well, I really do need to get home. Poor Mark has been eating junk all day and I'm sure he would like a real meal." She explained as she kissed all the kids on the head and gave Meredith and Derek a hug.

"Thank you, Kristy. You have no idea how much we appreciate it." Meredith said with a nod as she walked her to the door.

"Thanks, Kris." Derek shouted as he looked up. Both Sean and Conner were planted on his lap and Cassidy was hugging his neck. "We would never make it without you!"

"Oh, you would..." She trailed off as she pulled her jacket on. "It's just be really, really hard!" She added with a shout as she walked out the door.

"Well, the house looks pretty clean, not that I am surprised. Kristy keeps everything spotless." Meredith said with a sigh as she walked in the kitchen. Tracy and Kristy had written out everything that had been done with the kids in the days while they were gone.

"She has her ways." Derek admitted as he walked in, dragging kids behind him. Meredith read that they had eaten. She looked up at the clock, realizing it was almost time for the kids to go to sleep. "It's almost bedtime."

"It is. Why don't you go take a shower?" Meredith suggested as she looked at him. Derek nodded, admitting that he felt pretty grimy.

"I'll be right out. Are you sure you can handle it, zookeeper?" He asked with a chuckle as he started handing kids off to her. Meredith whisked them away and to the toys in their playroom which used to be an office for Derek.

"I think I can. But hurry up before we have an escape." Meredith said with a giggle as she got on the floor and played with the kids. As she played with them, she couldn't help but keep breathing them in. They all smelled so good.

Meredith sat on the floor with her children, playing monitor. Over and over again the kids would fight over certain toys. No one wanted anything until the others did. Meredith laid back on the rug, trying not to close her eyes as the kids ran horses and trucks up and down her body. Conner was exuberant in his play, ramming the truck into her. Sean was more soft and even leaned forward to kiss her several times. And Cassidy apparently thought hooves were supposed to land in between the ribs, and in between the ribs only.

"Ouch, Cass!" Meredith said loudly. Cassidy just giggled her innocent evil laugh and did it again. "Mom won't play anymore. Your pony will have no more hills to run on." She warned.

"Sorry, mommy." She said as she ran the toy horse a little gentler on her leg. "I will play nice." It was obviously something Kristy has said to her at some point.

"Okay, honey. Your turn." He told her as he came out in a white tee shirt and a pair of blue striped pajama pants. "You smell bad." He teased as he helped her up. "Was mommy a good mountain to play on?" He asked the toddlers as she stood up.

"Uh huh." Cassidy said with a smile as she looked at her mom. "But she got mad. I was hurting her."

"That wasn't nice. You have to be gentle with mommy." Derek explained as he looked into her little green eyes. "Take some time to relax." He told Meredith as he rubbed her shoulders.

Meredith nodded her head as she walked off. She walked into their master bedroom, grateful to have her huge bed to sleep in. Linda was always a great host, but it wasn't home. As Meredith stood under the hot water, she felt all of her strain melt away. She breathed in the tranquil scent of the lavender and and listened to the water fall on her back. She was fortunate to have such a perfect life.

When Meredith walked out in her ratty Dartmouth tee shirt and a pair of weathered old pajama pants, she had to smile at the sight before her. Derek was laying on the bed with the kids. The t.v. was playing The Little Mermaid and the kids were half-watching and half-expelling their excess energy by climbing on Derek. He seemed perfectly content in the middle of it all.

**I used to think that I was strong**

**I realise now I was wrong**

**'Cause every time I see your face**

**My mind becomes an empty space**

**And with you lying next to me**

**Feels Like I can hardly breathe**

"I figured they could sleep with us tonight." He told her with a nod and a smile as he looked into her eyes and stroked Cassidy's head with his hand. Meredith could tell that the kids were starting to fall asleep.

"I think that's a very good idea." Meredith agree as she climbed into her side of the bed and nestled against her husband, kids in between them. Meredith looked up at the screen and smiled, not remembering the movie, it being too new for her, but rather old for the kids. "Cass, she's a princess like you!" Meredith giggled as she tickled her. That only made Cassidy's interest in the movie grow.

Meredith looked over at Derek. He was looking back at her, smiling slightly. All she could see was love in her eyes. Derek leaned over and stroked her face gently, tipping his head sideways. Meredith rested her head against his hand and sighed, feeling him so close to her.

"I love you." He whispered as he continued to stroke her cheek.

"I love you too." Meredith replied as she felt a tear prick her eye. She loved him so much it was almost painful.

**I close my eyes**

**The moment I surrender to you**

**Let love be blind**

**Innocent and tenderly true**

**So lead me through tonight**

**But please turn off the light**

**'Cause I'm lost every time I look at you**

Derek though back on everything they had been through. Thinking back, it was worth it. Everything that happened was well worth it to have made it to this point in their life. He couldn't believe the unbelievable odds that they had went against. He couldn't believe they managed to trudge through the mud of their lives, to now be running freely through the meadow of flowers that was now theirs.

**And in the morning when you go**

**Wake me gently so I'll know**

**That loving you was not a dream**

**And whisper softly what it means to be with me**

**Then every moment we're apart**

**Will be a lifetime to my heart**

"I guess no S. E. X. tonight?" Meredith asked with a smile. Derek smiled in response. It was funny how their insane sex drive had settled down after the kids. It didn't make either of them unhappy.

"I think we have a lifetime for that." Derek said with a smile as her looked over. "But this... This won't last a lifetime." He explained as her rubbed the heads of their sleeping children.

"I love you, Derek. More than you will ever know." Meredith told him as she leaned over and kissed him softly.

"Believe me... I know." Derek said weakly, feeling overcome with emotion. "I will love you always and forever, Derek. Always and forever..."

**I close my eyes**

**The moment I surrender to you**

**Let love be blind**

**Innocent and tenderly true**

**So lead me through tonight**

**But please, please turn off the light**

**'Cause I'm lost every time I look at you**

**Lost. Every time I look at you**

The room was silent, filled with the gentle breathing of children. Meredith cuddled into Derek. Derek leaned over and flipped off the light. They were together. Forever. Always and forever.

**That's it! No epilogue. That is the end. Thanks for reading guys. It would have never lasted 200 chapters without you. Please review this one last time!**


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